


Bites P3

by Silkywings



Category: Original Work
Language: Lingua latina
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 329,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silkywings/pseuds/Silkywings





	1. Chapter 1

### Chapter 34: Chapter 32: Invasion of Navarone! The Straw Hats Drop In!

### Chapter Text

**Hornet AN: And a three...**

**Patient AN: And a two...**

**Xomniac AN: And now it's time for** _**CHAPTER 32!**_

**Cross-Brain AN: Surprise! As an additional manner of compensation for not updating for so long, here's the next chapter already! Enjoy! Oh, yes, and the significance of the transceiver number? In letters, it's "HEART BROB."**

" _Cross, I'm willing to admit that as infuriating as it was, not telling us about that drop at Cloud's End was harmless. On the other hand, NOT TELLING US THAT WE'D LAND IN FUCKING_ NAVARONE _IS ANYTHING BUT HARMLESS!"_ Sanji roared over the connection.

" _You had better have a damn good reason why you didn't warn us about this,"_ Nami snarled.

"Alright, lay off the third degree, would you!?" I demanded indignantly. "Trust me, if I'd known that this was going to happen, I'd have said something! My knowledge is divided into two categories: things that _will_ happen, and things that _may_ happen. This was in the second category, and I expected that the fact that we _didn't_ belly flop down and instead floated down gently from top to bottom would be enough to make sure that we didn't land here. But _clearly,_ I was wrong."

" _The best laid plans…"_ Robin said dryly.

" _Ah, I'm sorry for interrupting, but…"_ Conis cut in slowly, and very queasily. " _Cross, did you just say you had knowledge of the future!?"_

" _Trust me, sister, you learn not to question the crazy things he says_ very _fast,"_ Raphey deadpanned.

"It will all be made clear soon enough, don't worry," I absently reassured them before grinning as I tried desperately to put a positive spin on things. "But, but! Getting back on topic and before anyone gets too pissed off at me, look on the bright side! There's one massive benefit to the fact that we've landed here."

" _Really? And what, pray tell, would that be,_ Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked sourly.

"The Marine in charge of this base, Vice Admiral Jonathan, is a prime candidate for joining MI4, along with the vast majority of the Marines present in this base, if not all of them."

"… _Well, that does put everything in a new perspective,"_ Nami admitted in a neutral tone.

"Glad to hear it!"

The exact moment that I had stated where we were, I had tossed Soundbite to Isaiah and told the rest of the crew to scatter. Every man, woman, and animal for themselves, sans Carue staying with Vivi and Su with Conis. For my part, I somehow wound up closer to the base's central spire than I expected… actually, I'll be honest: I somehow wound up on _top_ of the spire. Don't ask me how, because everything after I told everyone to scatter is bit of a blur. All I knew for certain was that the blood on the forearms of my bandages was _not_ mine, and thankfully not enough to be blatantly lethal either.

Either way, Isaiah joined me shortly after I'd managed to find a place to hunker down, though Soundbite remained in his clutches for the moment, not willing to touch me while I was covered in salt water, and had promptly connected everyone in the crew together. Fortunately, the entirety of the fortress was within Soundbite's hearing range, even if we weren't right in the middle.

Currently, everyone was at different parts of the fortress; some, in the case of the Dugongs, were in the water, albeit floating on the surface in the shadows so that Soundbite could reliably communicate with them, while others were in the woods on the base's outer ring, and others yet in the base itself. Basically, anywhere and everywhere _except_ the Merry. The only ones who stayed onboard the ship were Terry, who was busy acting as an easily overlooked lookout for us, and Lassoo, who was blending in with the rest of the arsenal in his full gun form. And though the quickly awakening fortress was swarming with Marines, the vast majority of them were, fortunately, focused more upon the ship than anything else, giving us all the time we needed to get away.

All things considered, things were going about as smoothly as one might expect.

" _Ugh… I don't feel good at all…"_

Well, almost; our resident angel seemed to be coping poorly with the sudden shock that had hit as soon as we reached the blue sea. I could only wince in response to the thought of those pamphlets of Chopper's. Speaking of our doctor…

" _Soundbite, can you lead me to Conis?"_ the reindeer asked.

" **Mmph…** _ **head along the**_ **SHORELINE—** NO, _the other way—_ _ **YEAH,**_ _JUST KEEP GOING THAT WAY._ **No Marines** _in your_ _ **WAY**_ **RIGHT NOW,** _but hurry!_ " Soundbite said.

" _Got it."_

" _So, what are we going to do now, Cross? You're the tactician here,"_ Zoro grumbled.

"Well, I won't lie," I said, shaking out my clothes in an effort to dislodge the traces of sea water that seemed determined to stick to me. "I only remember a few details about this place. It's an enclosed base, so the only way to the ocean is using their Sea Gate. And in any case, we won't be able to leave until the Merry is in a better position for us to either sneak or storm back on."

" _And how long will that take, Cross?"_ Usopp asked.

"We'll need to hide out until the sun comes up, at least. After that… I can point out a few places where we can blend in, and Soundbite's eavesdropping should make it easy enough for the rest of us to steer clear of trouble. In the meantime—"

" _WHO ARE YOU CALLING SILLY-LOOKING?!"_

I jumped as Terry's voice bellowed out of Soundbite.

" _Ow! OW! Alright, I'm sorry—OUCH!"_

Then came a voice that I was reasonably sure was Jonathan's, and I couldn't help but snicker.

" _YOU_ SHOULD _BE SORRY! ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT WOULD FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THE SHEER_ POWER _OF A MEMBER OF THE BEAR GLOVE TRIBE!"_

" _ALRIGHT—OW!—JUST STOP PECKING—_ AGH!"

"… _should we just let Terry chase everyone away?"_ Nami asked, half-serious.

"Heh, no. As funny as this is, anyone who's attained the rank of Vice Admiral isn't someone to take lightly; a prerequisite for the position is being able to use Haki," I said. "And besides that, Jonathan is a master tactician; with how much he knows about us from the SBS, we're going to have to be very careful not to get—"

I cut myself off as, walking along the edge of the spire, I recognized a very specific balcony below me. I couldn't suppress a snicker as my mind leapt to a specific plan of action. "On the other hand, that works too. Brace yourselves, everyone, I'm about to do something stupid."

" _Oh, dear,"_ Robin said, apparently unsure whether to laugh or groan in dread at what I was doing.

" _Care to clue us in, Cross?"_ Nami asked blandly.

"I'm about to risk my life to check on the loose gold from Nola's stomach they've no doubt already moved off the Merry," I deadpanned.

" _No further questions, your honor."_

"I thought not," I chuckled before glancing at my partner in crime. "Now, then, Soundbite? Follow Jonathan."

**-o-**

"The color and smell of the coffee, the rather temperamental South Bird, and the ancient gold… it would appear that the SBS was accurate. The Straw Hat Pirates went to Jaya recently," stated the red-haired Vice Admiral.

"Commander, you're saying that it isn't really a—?" posed a blonde-haired Marine.

Vice Admiral Jonathan waved his hand with a scoff. "Please, Henrick. I know the circumstances are suspicious, but we all heard the SBS on the way down. I don't know where the crew is, but I know that they're in the base and that that's no ghost ship."

A sunglasses-wearing Marine spoke next. "I don't understand, Commander. Weren't you just calling it a ghost ship earlier in front of the rest of the men?"

"Frankly, our men are a little too green to deal with a situation like this; as decent as they've portrayed themselves on the SBS, the fact remains that the Straw Hat Pirates have earned those bounties of theirs. If we tell everyone that they've infiltrated our ranks, it'll cause panic and confusion that will no doubt aid the pirates in whatever purpose they have here. So for now, we continue calling it a ghost ship, understood?"

"With all due respect, Commander, I'd like to raise a concern," stated Jonathan's right hand, a brown-haired Lieutenant Commander named Drake.

"Yes, Drake?"

"As powerful as Straw Hat and his crew are, I think that the biggest threat among them is that of Jeremiah Cross and his snail. From what the Marines have pieced together, Soundbite is able to hear anything in a one-mile radius, as well as make anyone in that range hear anything. And the fact that that psychotic bird actually spoke proved that the snail was close enough to us that it could translate what he was saying."

Drake folded his arms. "If they weren't exaggerating, then it's possible that they could hijack our own communications to throw the whole base into chaos. It's even possible that they could be eavesdropping on us right now!"

" _Well, it's good to see that Jonathan has some intelligent men under his command._ "

The five of them immediately stopped walking as the unmistakable voice of Jeremiah Cross echoed around them.

The sunglasses-wearing Marine grimaced. "Apparently, he _is_. And he's as annoying as we expected, too."

" **HEY!** _I'M_ the annoying **one!"** came Soundbite's signature medley of voices.

" _And I'm the crazy one. Allow me to demonstrate: Vice Admiral Jonathan, would you be willing to speak for negotiations? I'm currently in the process of ensuring that our navigator will not rip my head off for finding that any of our gold is missing from what you confiscated. Seriously, if all 500 million isn't right here like I promised, she will burn this place to the_ ground."

Vice Admiral Jonathan seemed stunned for a minute. Then he threw back his head and laughed.

"What is it, sir?" Drake asked.

Jonathan sighed as he got his laughter under control, smirking as he spoke again. "You've painted yourself as quite the brazen individual, Mister Cross, but I have to admit I'm surprised that of all the places you could have gone, you picked my personal office."

"HE WHAT?!" chorused all four of the Marines with Jonathan.

"HE picked HIS personal office. _**Do you have a**_ **HEARING PROBLEM?** "

" _With you around? The default answer to that question is a resounding_ yes… _or at minimum, a maybe depending on your mood and your opinion of the individuals in question."_

" **Fair point."**

" _Now, then, getting back on topic… are you willing to talk, Vice Admiral Jonathan? Mind you, if you choose_ not _to attend this little meeting, that's fine as well. I'll just have a conversation with your wife Jessica instead. The topic of discussion… your eating habits, maybe?"_

"…And as impossibly well-informed as he painted himself, too," the blonde Marine ground out as Jonathan paled dramatically.

" _I have not even_ begun _to demonstrate that, gentlemen, and really, I got that last bit from inspecting his bin. Seriously, for a genius, that's kind of low-brow."_

"…I'm on my way, Mister Cross," Jonathan finally said.

Commander Drake promptly started to sign orders to a nearby soldier, and jumped when a loud buzzer blasted through the air.

" _ **YOUR SLEEVES are rubbing**_ together, **dipshit."**

" _I won't even deign to try and guess what you were signing, it's so obvious. And for the record, if anyone except for Jonathan shows up, they'll be talking in chicken clucks or flatulence until we leave. You have been warned, people."_

"… Well, now I'm tempted to bring some of my subordinates with me just to see what you'll come up with," Jonathan said wryly.

"COMMANDER JONATHAN!" chorused four indignant voices, prompting both Jonathan and their two eavesdroppers to laugh anew.

"Heh… alright. In all seriousness, Henrick, go and reinforce security at the coast as well as around the Sea Gate," Jonathan said to the blonde-haired Marine, who saluted and departed.

"Cormac, I also want the brig, the ammunition store, and all major passageways secured. You'll have expanded authority to manage all related personnel," he added to the sunglasses-wearing Marine. He too saluted and departed.

"Chief Petty Officer Holger, gather a small force of men to keep perpetual guard around the Straw Hat Pirates' ship. If there are any issues, send someone to report to me in person, don't use a Transponder Snail." Following his orders, Holger bustled off, leaving only Drake and Jonathan.

"Drake… I'm going to meet with Cross alone. Go the mess hall and tell Jessica the situation—only Jessica—and then report to me for further orders. _Understood?_ "

Drake nodded with perfect understanding before running as fast as his legs could carry him. As soon as he was out of sight, Jonathan sighed and continued in the direction he had been going. Only two minutes later, he opened the door to his office, and his eyes immediately fell on the figure that could only be Jeremiah Cross, sitting right in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk, which had been turned so that he could sit at it while facing the door. He was a young man, with short, dirty blonde hair and mischievous yet lazy eyes, dressed in dark and gray clothing. A grinning Transponder Snail was perched on his shoulder, and what little of his arms could be seen due to them being crossed behind his head were covered in bandages from the elbows down.

"Vice Admiral Jonathan. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said with a smirk.

"I must admit to returning the sentiment, Mister Cross," Jonathan replied.

"Really, now? I wouldn't expect to hear that from someone who had earned the favor of Admiral Akainu."

Jonathan flinched, his face darkening before he could stop it in response to the man's name.

"Well, well, _well,"_ Cross cocked his eyebrow in surprise. " _There's_ a very particular and unusual reaction. Care to come in and talk about it?"

Jonathan was silent for a moment before chuckling ruefully and stepping into the office, closing the door behind him in the process. "Once again, Mister Cross, I have to admit I'm surprised. Your reputation precedes you, but your actions to date have barely managed to do you justice."

Cross returned the grin eagerly. "Well, really, in situations like this, it's either that or breaking down and panicking, and Nami, Usopp, Carue, and Vivi already have that covered."

" _I HEARD THAT!"_

The pirate jumped, presumably at the volume blaring in his ear, before pinning the cackling snail on his shoulder with a glare, and Jonathan chuckled. "And his reputation as an incurable prankster seems to be accurate also."

" _Thank you, thank you very much,_ " Soundbite purred.

"Took you long enough to use that one," Cross muttered before looking back at Jonathan with a solemn expression. "So, Vice Admiral, we appear to be in a delicate situation here. If you're a fan of my show, you know my stance on pirates and Marines. I happen to believe that you're one of those who follows his morals, rather than his orders… but the fact that you're one of Akainu's favorite students makes me doubtful."

Jonathan's grimace at the last line was not missed, prompting Cross to grin. "There it is again. So, you _don't_ like the guy after all?"

Jonathan carefully schooled his expression, and crossed his arms. "What business do the Straw Hat Pirates have with Navarone? Why did you infiltrate our base?" he asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

"Hey, you heard the SBS," Cross shrugged dismissively. "The balloon octopus we used to get down from the Sky Island we visited didn't leave us any way of steering." He grinned hopefully. "I cut the connection before the sirens sounded. Marineford won't know that we're here unless someone tells them. If you open the gates, we'll gladly leave without any conflict."

"And you expect me to trust you?" Jonathan asked, then shook his head with a smirk. "I say that, but honestly, I'm prepared to believe you."

Cross's expression promptly dropped into a contemplative frown, and he swung his feet off the desk, gaze dropping down to stare at the Vice Admiral. "You're nothing like Akainu. How the hell did you ever make him favor you?"

The grimace returned, but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Cross, but despite your reputation, you're still a pirate, and I'm still the commander of this base. I'm not about to let you escape."

Cross shrugged, spreading his arms in a helpless manner. "Yes, I didn't expect it to be that easy, but you don't really care that much about capturing us. You care a lot more about enforcing morale in this base."

Jonathan's jaw dropped briefly before he continued scrutinizing the pirate. "I knew you know a lot of things that you shouldn't, but this is ridiculous. How did you find that out?"

"Easy: you just told me," Cross drawled in an overly innocent tone of voice.

"THEY KEEP THE _**old book of tricks**_ **AROUND BECAUSE THEY** _ **STILL WORK,**_ _dontcha know!"_ Soundbite cackled.

Jonathan rolled his eyes before giving the pirate a contemplative look. "Would you care for a game of chess, Cross?"

Cross grimaced and waved his hand dismissively. "No thanks, I'm no good at the game."

"Ah, what a pity," Jonathan sighed. "Nobody in the base who actually knows how to play accepts my invitation because they know my skill, and outsiders rarely have the time or desire."

Cross chuckled. "Well, I think one of our crew could give you a run for your money, but I don't think that they would be willing to reveal their identity."

" _ **Sorry, Vice Admiral**_ ," came a somewhat familiar distorted voice from mid-air, which actually did sound somewhat apologetic.

"Are _all_ of them listening?"

"Of course they are," Cross scoffed as though it were the most obvious fact in the world. "After all, they're my crew, and I wouldn't want them to miss out on this. Anyway, if you're not willing to just let us go… then how about we make this into a game?"

Jonathan's eyebrows rose. "You have my attention."

Cross leaned back in his seat, clearly at ease. "While we try to get out of here, we of the Straw Hat Pirates will stress-test Navarone, help to demonstrate how stable of a fortress it is, and help to reinvigorate the soldiers. In short, we help to prove just how much of an asset this place is to the Navy. And in return…" Cross's gaze both sharpened and became slightly fearful. "You _don't_ use your Haki to completely decimate us, so we actually have a fighting chance of escaping." His smile returned. "I'll even throw in dealing with your… shall we say, 'administrative difficulties' that are due to arrive tomorrow morning?"

Jonathan did not reply.

"Come on," Cross waved his hand lackadaisically. "You can easily explain away not calling us in to HQ by saying you wanted to handle us yourself. That's totally something somebody taught by Akainu… would…" The pirate slowly trailed off as a look of realization and awe came over him. "Of course. That's it, isn't it? You _conned him."_

Jonathan kept his expression decidedly neutral. "I'm sure I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

The Vice Admiral's stomach dropped as a smile slowly spread across Cross's face. " _Nooooo_ nonono, you can _not_ fool me! Now it all makes sense! The only way someone like _you_ would agree with that arrogant _blowhard_ of a volcano would be if you were talking out of your _ass!_ You never agreed with Akainu's stupid stance of 'Absolute Justice,' you were just smart enough to know that if you _dis_ agreed once he showed interest in you, that'd be the end of you one way or another! You took advantage of that son of a bitch for the sake of the doors his reputation would open for you!"

Jonathan had no doubt, judging from Cross' even wider grin, that his face had betrayed him. Of all the people to find out his secret, it had to be the pirate with the biggest mouth of the century.

"Ohohoh _maaan…"_ Cross chuckled as he sank back in the Vice Admiral's seat, crossing his arms behind his head. "I know some people who are just going to _love_ to hear this, let me tell you…" He promptly sobered up in a panic when he noticed Jonathan's entire demeanor shift. "IIIII should have worded that better, huh?"

" **YA THINK!?"** Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"Mister Cross… allow me to issue a condition for the game that you've proposed," Jonathan stated firmly in a tone that had Cross quivering in terror. "If you fail to escape from Navarone _in twenty-four hours,_ you will be caught in _moments_ and be subsequently submitted to an interrogation so thorough that I will know memories of yours so deep and repressed that not even _you_ remember them. Please take into consideration that while you're right in that I neither like nor respect Admiral Akainu, and while I did not learn the _spirit_ of his lessons…" The man's gaze sharpened viciously. "That does not change the fact that I was an _excellent_ student."

Cross processed that, and then frowned in contemplation. "…Wait to start those twenty-four hours until sunrise, and I'll accept that. But allow me this condition: if we do manage to escape, I'm going to let you in on one of my most well-guarded secrets, one that neither I nor my crew will ever expose on the SBS. Hell, even Soundbite knows better than to blurt it, _just like this secret in particular, right, Soundbite?"_ The last sentence was finished with a pointed glare at the snail.

"YEAH, _whatever,"_ Soundbite rolled his eyes casually, until Cross grabbed his eyestalks and started pulling. " **ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,** _MUM'S THE_ _ **word! …JERK…"**_

"Now, as I was saying… when you learn that secret, you're going to find yourself faced with what can only be defined as an ultimatum, and the decision is both effortless and excruciating. My condition is that you give it all the consideration that it deserves. Because I assure you, while nobody is going to hear your secret from my crew or myself, when you make that choice, one way or the other, it won't be a secret anymore."

"…That is very cryptic," Jonathan stated with a frown.

"Have you even been _listening_ to my show? But in all fairness, it'll be the first thing you understand when the game is over. So, then…" Cross spread his hands invitingly. "Do we have a deal?"

Jonathan closed his eyes. Ultimately, Cross was right about everything he had said, including what he hoped to get out of their infiltration. And in the end, if they were actively trying to help him, then no matter how this turned out, he would ultimately win. He opened his eyes.

"I accept your challenge, Cross. But I warn you, you're not going to win."

Cross scoffed. "That's what they all say."

Jonathan smirked. "That's fair, I suppose. But you do realize that considering that you're here, I wouldn't be violating the rules of the game to arrest you here and now, right?"

"Of course. But considering this is _me_ we're talking about… Hey, Soundbite, what's the appropriate thing to say in this case?" Cross replied, smirking back as he reached to one side, and separated the curtains. Jonathan blinked as he saw a rope reaching out of the window… and down to Cross. His smile faded even as Cross' grew.

" _I think it_ _ **would be… 'SO LONG,**_ _SUCKERS!'"_

"Damn straight!" Cross cackled as he yanked on a ripcord attached to the side of his belt. Before the Vice Admiral could react, Cross was yanked backward and up out of the room.

"…damn it," Jonathan sighed wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose, but smirked nonetheless. "Well played, Cross. Well played."

A moment later, the door to the office burst open, allowing Drake and a full squad of Marines to burst into the office.

"Vice Admiral Jonathan, sir! Are you alright?" the Commander demanded as he moved to secure the room.

Jonathan gave his second a flat look. "Drake, allow me to remind you that we are currently in Paradise and that the Straw Hats, strong as they are, are a _rookie_ crew, and that Cross isn't a frontline fighter besides. Do you _think_ I'm alright?"

"Ah…" Drake hesitated uncomfortably as he considered that.

Jonathan shrugged as he walked over to his window and looked upwards. "Put the base on high alert and gather the senior staff in five… ten minutes. I need time to devise a proper strategy."

"Sir?"

"Oh, you weren't aware? I thought you'd have realized it by now…" Jonathan turned back to Drake with an honest and eager smile. "The games have begun."

"THAT WAS PITIFUL!"

"Indeed!"

Drake and Jonathan paled in terror. "Not them…" they chorused.

"IT'S US!" Terry roared as he and Isaiah flapped through the window and landed on the Marine's shoulders. "WE _WOULD_ HAVE STAYED INCOGNITO DURING THIS WHOLE THING!"

"But our pride as not just South Birds but as _men_ refused to allow us to remain silent!" Isaiah huffed with a shake of his beak. "Such a weak and clichéd line… it made even my most luxuriant of beaks turn up in disgust!"

"WE'VE AGREED TO SET ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND WORK TOGETHER, UNTIL BOTH OF YOUR PERSONALITIES ARE BURSTING WITH _POWAAAAAAAH!"_ Terry proclaimed as he flexed his avian pecs furiously.

"As well as the cool, calm and collected _suaveness_ needed to strike blind any woman who lays eyes upon you." Isaiah swept his wing out with a flourish, light glinting off the feathers.

"…I'm married?" Jonathan tried uneasily.

"I accept your wife's thanks in advance," the bird smoothly agreed.

The officers exchanged panicked glances as their thoughts synchronized in a single word: " _Shit."_

**-o-**

I sighed in relief as I clambered up onto the top of the rock. Damn, epic as that exit had been, that belt taxed almost every single muscle I had. Still, there was work to be done, no rest for the wicked, the weary, or the weary wicked!

"So, I take it that everyone heard that?"

" _A master tactician bold enough to con Akainu for the purpose of bolstering his reputation… I think we may have found the Marines' equivalent of Cross,"_ Robin's voice said.

" _Except that_ this _guy actually has a whole brain,"_ one of the male dugongs—Leo, I think—snarked.

"Boss, discipline your student."

" _Nah, I think I'll let this one pass."_

" _Sweet!"_

"Tsk…" I growled darkly before turning my attention to Soundbite. "By the way, I noticed something weird in there…"

" _ **The cowards'**_ **chorus, I'M GUESSING?"** he questioned. " **Alright, look,** _IT'S SIMPLE: ever since the_ **SBS started, I'VE BEEN** _ **ALTERING EVERYONE'S VOICES except**_ YOURS _and_ VIVI'S _because we need people to trust you_. BETTER _for everyone else_ _ **not to be**_ **immediately IDENTIFIABLE.** _ **But don't worry! IF THEY ALREADY KNOW**_ _YOUR VOICE, people can ID you,_ **so your families know who's who."**

I was promptly struck dumb at Soundbite's foresight. "Ah…"

" **HOW BLATANTLY** _stupid do you_ **think I am?!"**

" _You don't want that question answered,"_ a chorus of voices responded.

" **SCREW YOU PEOPLE!"**

"Alright, Soundbite's impressive show of planning ahead aside, let me lay things out. There are only two ways for us to get out of here, and considering that leaving the way we came involves hurting Merry more, I say we focus on the plainer of them: leaving through the Sea Gate. Obviously, before that, we need to regroup on Merry and steal back the supplies and gold that they confiscated from us."

" _Yes, yes, we do, because I swear to high heaven if we lose_ twenty-five percent _of my—!"_

" _Our,"_ Vivi cut in.

" _WHOEVER'S GOLD!… then I will make up for the difference in_ bounties. _Starting with everyone on this crew._ GOT IT?"

" _GOT IT!_ " everyone chorused.

" _Nami is scary,"_ Su whimpered.

"You're only _just_ figuring this out?" I muttered. "Anyway… when the sun comes up, there's going to be a group of damaged battleships coming in. Onboard those ships are a pair of arrogant would-be chefs and a _stupidly_ arrogant inspector from Marine Headquarters. These three need to be dealt with ASAP before they catch wind of our presence and call Marineford. Sanji, Robin, Luffy, that'll be up to you."

" _Huh?"_ Soundbite provided Sanji's confused expression. " _Luffy? I understand myself and Robin-schwan, but why Luffy!?"_

"Because…" I trailed off hesitantly for a second before sighing. "Because, believe it or not, Luffy's actually pretty damn good at the whole stealthy-ninja thing when he wants to be."

" _Shishishi! Years of practice playing hide-and-seek from my Grandpa!"_

"'Hide-and-seek' my ass…"

" _Eh? What was that?"_

"Nothing, nothing. Anyway, also onboard those damaged battleships are going to be a ton of soldiers in need of critical treatment. And currently, the only doctor on base is a hemophobic pediatrician. Chopper, you're going to be responsible both for curing her hemophobia and helping her save all of those patients. You shouldn't need to boost your intelligence for either of those things."

" _What? Why not? Sure, surgeries won't be any problem without boosting, but curing fear of blood? How am I supposed to do that so fast?"_

"… Tell her the story of the thief and the sakura," I said carefully. A small intake of breath came from the other end, and Chopper seemed to tear up a bit.

" _A-Alright,"_ Chopper nodded firmly.

"Nami, I'd recommend that you join Chopper as a nurse, but if you think of a better cover, feel free to use it. Usopp, once they've relocated the Merry, disguise yourself as a grunt, and Soundbite will lead you there and help you fend off any questioners. And the rest of you…" I let a grin split my face. "Well, our end of the deal is to pressure-test the base. So, starting at dawn, we're going to give this place the most unforgettable day of their _lives_."

" _Sounds good, Cross, but I've got one question,"_ Usopp cut in. " _Do we know where they took our stuff? We can replace the food and cannonballs anywhere, but the gold? And, just as importantly, Conis' arsenal and the Dials?"_

"Well, for starters, I just checked on our loose gold." I instinctively jabbed my thumb over my shoulder at the edge of the spire. "Jonathan's got all of that stashed in his office, which is technically the safest place on the whole base. It's all there, and chances are he'll keep it there even though I know it's there because of how hard it'll be to get it out from under his nose."

" _Well, at least that bit won't be_ boring…" Zoro muttered.

"And as for the rest of our stuff… Lassoo?"

" _Yeah, they haven't touched the weapons yet,"_ the dog-gun subtly huffed out.

"Right. Considering how big this base is, they probably don't think we'll be able to find her once they tow her away. _And_ Jonathan has a group standing guard over the ship, with explicit orders not to report in via Transponder Snail. That makes things at once easier and harder for us; I should be able to come up with some way to use that to our advantage, but it'll take a while before I can risk it. On the bright side, as long as Lassoo is onboard, finding the Merry will be easy."

Suddenly, Soundbite's eyestalks snapped to attention and swiveled in the direction of the roof-access I'd identified. I growled in aggravation as I followed his line of sight. "They're coming up here, aren't they?"

"WINNER WINNER, _**hope you like**_ **JAIL DINNERS!"**

"Not if I can help it!" I snapped my Flash Dial out of my bag and started clicking it out over the water. "Luffy, _please_ tell me you can see the light!"

" _I thought you guys always told me never to go towards it?"_

I winced as the sound of a door being kicked open echoed out, prompting me to click faster. "Wrong light, now _hurry the hell up and—!"_

" _Oh! Yeah, I can see you! Buuut I don't think I can reach that far…"_

I made a hasty guesstimate of the distance. "Think you can reach halfway?"

" _Oh, yeah, easy!"_

"Then grab the rope!" I grabbed a ripcord at my side…

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

Right as an authoritative voice and a chorus of cocking guns rang out.

I _very_ slowly turned my head around and caught sight of who I assumed to be Commander Drake standing behind a firing squad of soldiers.

"Jeremiah Cross," the Commander growled acridly. "You are under arrest for piracy, divulging state secrets, disturbing the peace, terrorism—"

" _If that's in any way related to_ my _bullshit bounty_ , _you had better_ pray _that I don't find you,_ " Vivi's voice snapped viciously.

Drake and his men shivered in terror before the Commander coughed into his fist. "W-We'll put a pin in that one." He then shook his head and got back to it. "Anyways… Arson, collaboration with criminal elements, assault with a deadly snail—"

"Did you _really_ just say that?" I asked.

"—and finally, South Birds are an endangered species native to Jaya, so _that's_ importation of illegal animals." Drake crossed his arms and his face narrowed into a hot glower. "My men and I have orders to incapacitate you by any means necessary, and we've already cleaned out all of the base's wax stockpiles to block out that snail. Come quietly, or I _will_ order that you be shot in the leg."

I stared at him silently for a moment before allowing myself a cocky grin that _obviously_ set him and his men on edge. "Two things. First, that is by far the _worst_ impression of Commodore Smoker that I have _ever_ seen." I revelled in the number of veins that comment made pop up on the officer's forehead before continuing. "And second?" I yanked on my belt's ripcord, causing the grappling rope to be launched out over the bay where it started to fall midway across… before being grabbed and yanked taut by a stretched out rubbery arm.

I shot the now-infuriated Marine a mocking salute. "Catch me if you can, copper!"

"FIRE!" Drake roared.

Thankfully, I was yanked out of the line of fire and through the void by the belt strapped around my pelvis. And for a few moments, I enjoyed the sensation of flying through the air. But then I remembered exactly how careful Luffy was with his crewmates when he did this. That is to say, _not_.

"Woahwoahwoah _WATCH I—!"_ I started to belt out—

_CRASH!_

Before I slammed face-first into a tree. "Why does this feel so familiar…" I slurred.

" _George, George,_ **George of the Jungle!"**

"Oh, yeah…" I groaned out as I peeled out of the tree and landed on my back. I lay there for all of ten seconds before a hand grabbed my collar and yanked me up through several trees to be brought face to face with a very familiar, very _stupidly_ grinning face.

"Hey, Cross!" Luffy waved innocently.

I returned the grin with a decidedly bland look. "Captain… if it weren't liable to get me dropped three dozen feet… I just want you to know… _I would punch you."_

Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Eh? But you already did that last night when I knocked that barrel of beer on you, and your hand was more hurt than I was."

"Yeah, but it made _me_ feel better," I scoffed.

" _Us too!"_ over half the crew concurred.

"Now, put me on a branch before my jacket tears, or so help me, I'll charge you for a new one… _with interest rates that would make Nami proud_." Luffy promptly plopped me onto a branch, allowing me to readjust my hoodie's collar with a huff. "Damn last one being burnt clean through, freaking swear this place is tearing through my wardrobe for shits and giggles…"

" _What the hell do you have to complain about? Have you_ seen _how many shirts Zoro goes through? His wardrobe made up almost a clean thirty percent of his debt!"_ Nami scoffed.

" _Excuse me for being one of the so-called 'Monster Trio.' Would_ you _have preferred fighting Ohm or Mr. 1?"_ Zoro shot back.

" _Not to mention at least half of those shirts are destroyed in training,"_ Robin pointed out. " _And he generally doesn't stop to put on a new one."_

"… _That is pretty nice,"_ Nami and Vivi admitted practically simultaneously.

I silently debated what to say to that before deciding to shove that into a locked box somewhere in my subconscious. "Alright, can we forego that argument for the moment in favor of trying to nail down a solid location for everyone?" I glanced around contemplatively. "I'll start off. Currently, Terry and Isaiah are with Jonathan, most likely pestering him beyond all belief, Lassoo is onboard the Merry, and Luffy, Soundbite and I are situated in the forest on top of the base's outer ring."

" _My students and I are all in the water nearest the Merry, beside the outer ring,"_ Boss said.

" _Conis, Su, and I are just outside the forest, by the shore where the base starts. I can't see the Merry from where I am—ARGH!"_ Chopper said before cutting himself off with a yelp.

" _And I would jusht like you all to know—_ hic!— _that I love you all_ very _musch!"_ Conis added dizzily. " _Eshpecially Chopper… sho fluffy…"_

" _She's… crushing… me…"_ Chopper wheezed out miserably.

" _Yeaaah, Conis isn't handling the oxygen levels that well,"_ Su noted blandly.

" _Why aren't you drunk off your ass, then?"_ Mikey (I think) asked.

" _Because_ I've _spent every other weekend clambering through the roots of Upper Yard since I was… eh, three, I think? Seriously, with trees that big, you get used to oxygen_ fast," the cloud fox said, her shrug borderline audible.

" _Mmph—GAH! HEAVY POINT! Huff… Huff… Geeze, I almost died… Alright, I think I'm going to take my chances and look for the medical room ASAP,"_ Chopper panted. " _I left my bag on the Merry, and Conis needs treatment badly."_

"Ugh… fair enough, but try not to be seen. Soundbite—"

" _You DON'T HAVE TO_ _ **tell me,**_ **Cross,** " the snail said, his face screwed up in concentration.

"Alright, then… moving on?"

" _Robin and I are in the forest, too, though judging by those muzzle flashes I saw, we're on the other side from you and Luffy,"_ Usopp said.

" _I'm on a small beach, just got out of the water,"_ Zoro grumbled, the sound of wringing out clothes and water dripping coming over the background. " _I can still see the Merry from where I am, too, but I'm too likely to be seen where I am."_

" _I managed to ride my Waver up the outer ring. I'm hiding out in some tall grass at the edge of some cliffs. I've got a clear view of the rock spire, but I can barely see the Merry,"_ Nami said.

" _I'm in the forest, too, and I'm guessing I'm pretty close to you, Cross; I saw Luffy's arm stretch out from where I was,"_ Sanji said.

A pause as I counted that out… during which I noticed Soundbite with an odd expression on his face, somewhere between gobsmacked and 'about to burst out laughing'. "Uh, Vivi and Carue? Where are you?"

" _We… well, see, this… this is kind of awkward,"_ Vivi ground out.

"How so?"

**-o-**

"Well…" Vivi rubbed the back of her head uncomfortably as she looked around the bunk she was laying in. "See, I'm currently inside the base, hiding in one of the barracks…" She paused as she noticed some movement in her peripheral vision, then smiled as she accepted a glass from the flustered soldier standing next to her. "Thank you!…and I just accepted a drink from one of the Marines who's helping Carue and I hide here." She punctuated the silence that followed with a _looong_ drain from her drink's straw.

"… _What,"_ Cross finally said.

" _WHAT,"_ concurred the vast majority of the rest of the crew.

Vivi swallowed with a contented sigh before eyeing her glass contemplatively. "I'll be honest, the service I've received thus far beats some of the spas back in Alubarna, and those are legitimately royal-class establishments."

"She's got dat wight!" Carue sighed as another soldier brushed his feathers. "Wittle moa to da wight… wittle moa… ahhh, _dat's da spot…"_

"T-t-thank you very much, your highness!" the soldier who'd served Vivi stammered bashfully. "I-If there's anything else you need, feel free to ask!"

" _Alright, we just fell out of the freaking sky and I just escaped being shot at, I utterly_ refuse _to believe that what I'm hearing isn't the result of some adrenaline-fueled stroke-induced hallucination!"_ Cross protested.

" _Three words, Cross: Great. Octopus._ Shogunate. _We have seen weirder, and I'm willing to bet a million beris that you know we haven't seen the weirdest of all yet,"_ Nami growled.

"… _Noooo, no, we have_ not. _Ugh… well, on the bright side, it looks like we might have just found a much less risky way to help Conis. Vivi, think you can ask those Marines if they'd be willing to help a genuine angel?_ "

Vivi shot a brief glance up at the soldiers before plastering a desperate smile on her face. "One second," she hissed beneath her breath before raising her voice. "Oh, boys! Would the two of you mind fetching Carue and I an assorted vegetable platter please?"

"With a bucket a' wanch dwessing!" Carue piped up, smiling sheepishly at the glare Vivi sent him. "What? Ah'm hungwy!"

"Right away, ma'am!" the soldiers snapped off a salute before marching out of the bunkroom.

Vivi waited until the door was shut before collapsing on the bunk with an exasperated sigh. "Sweet guys. Stupid, but sweet. Anyway, here's the basics of my current situation: I'm in the care of a couple of Marines who seem to be a cross between Sanji and those braindead bounty hunters we met with Wyvern. They believe what I said on the SBS, they're willing to help me… but _only_ me. I asked them at first if they were willing to help the rest of you, and they refused. And when I asked if they would be willing to just help the females, well… they seemed torn on Conis, Raphey isn't human, they don't know Robin's gender, and Nami… is just too scary."

"… _I can live with that,"_ Nami finally decided.

" _Ditto,"_ Raphey concurred.

"So, the bottom line is, I could probably convince them to take in Conis, and probably Su along with her, but Chopper wouldn't be able to come along, so…" She scratched the back of her head uncomfortably.

" _Yeah, that_ would _kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it…"_ Chopper grumbled before sighing despondently. " _Alright, back to Plan A."_

" _Sneaking an oxygen-drunk blonde with wings through the halls of an enemy base on High Alert,"_ Su summarized with a grin obvious in her voice. " _Ten minutes with you guys and my life's already more exciting than it's been in the past six_ years!"

" _YOU AIN'T_ **seen** _ **nuthin'**_ _yet!_ " Soundbite chortled.

" _But anyways,"_ Cross spoke up. " _For now, Vivi, it sounds like you're in a good enough situation. Just sit tight and wait for further developments."_

Before the princess could say anything further, the door to the room opened and the soldiers from earlier entered and proffered her a _very_ delicious-looking assortment of vegetables.

"I _think_ I can handle that," she conceded as she laid back and took a bite from a stalk of celery.

Carue punctuated the point by gleefully burying his beak in the ranch bucket.

**-o-**

"Alright, with that done… Boss, if anything goes wrong, you and your students should be able to get there fastest, so be ready to move."

" _Roger loud and clear, Cross. We're ready to go in hard at a moment's notice."_

" _Say 'that's what she said' and I will twist your head around a full 360 degrees,"_ Raphey blandly added, which was followed up by a nervous gulp.

"And the rest of you…" I heaved out a jaw-cracking yawn as I settled against the trunk of the tree I was in. "Try to lay low until morning. We'll need more information before I can form a good escape plan. So for now… g'night."

A chorus of goodnights rang out before silence finally reigned, and I allowed myself to _driiiift_ off to sleep.

**-o-**

Jonathan sat in his office, looking over his chessboard as he considered the Straw Hat Pirates. He had little doubt that all of the crew would be following the deal that he had made with Cross, but considering said deal, it appeared that today was going to be stressful. After all, to show how strong the base was while at the same time maximizing their chances of escape, he had no doubt that they would be hitting Navarone's weak spots. That being the case, he would need to attempt to strike theirs as well.

He had gathered together the highest ranking members of the base, and called to mind what they could about the Straw Hat Pirates.

"Altogether, we have ten humans and nine animals to worry about."

"Wouldn't it technically be nine humans and ten animals, sir? I mean, their doctor…" Holger asked.

"Devil Fruit priorities, Chief Petty Officer," Cormac interrupted. "He's a human-reindeer, so he counts as human."

Jonathan nodded absentmindedly in agreement. "In any event, of those animals, the five dugongs are likely to be the most problematic. I have no doubt that they're somewhere in the water; they'll be difficult to fight off on the land, and that's if we manage to get them out of the water. The dog-weapon couldn't have swum off of their ship, but it's not unreasonable to assume that someone could have carried him."

"Shall we investigate the Straw Hat Pirates' arsenal more closely to see if it's there?" Holger asked.

"Hmm… not immediately. Have a couple of men poke around in there, maybe take a few things. If the dog is there, he should alert Cross, and that will solicit some sort of reaction. It won't be able to use explosives in such close quarters, so we'll be able to apprehend it with relative ease. And if nothing happens, then nothing happens, and we'll have to watch out for dogs in the base."

Holger and the rest of the officers nodded.

"Now, moving on… the Supersonic Duck will almost certainly be with Princess Vivi, and while I'm not sure how dangerous of a fighter he'll be, it's clear that he has formidable endurance. I should expect nothing less from what's essentially a royal bodyguard. Soundbite is an obvious threat; I trust that the earplugs have already been distributed?"

"Yes, sir," Drake said. "All units have been warned and are at _minimum_ carrying artillery-grade ear protectors."

"Good. And as for the fox… from what I've heard, I don't think she'll be any more dangerous than these South Birds are…" The Vice Admiral grimaced miserably. "Though they're bad enough on their own."

"SIT UP STRAIGHT! A TRUE MAN'S POSTURE IS FILLED WITH _POOOWAAAAH!"_ Terry roared in the Vice Admiral's ears.

"For once I agree with my companion," Isaiah added in his usual baritone. "Proper posture, and the discipline that comes from cultivating it, is a necessity for true manliness." He then proceeded to cuff the back of Drake's head. "That means you too, _Lieutenant Commander."_

The officer ground his teeth viciously with murder blazing in his eyes. "Remind me _why_ we haven't shot, eaten and mounted these colorful turkeys yet?" he demanded indignantly.

"Because neither of us has two million Beri to burn in fines and I promised to take Jessica to San Faldo for our anniversary, and if either of us jeopardizes that, she will serve us to the whole base for dinner," Jonathan deadpanned.

Everyone in the room froze as a wave of existential dread washed over them, which Drake punctuated by swallowing heavily. "Withdrawn…"

"Moving along…" Jonathan rubbed his chin in thought. "Of the remaining crewmates, if the last thing they said on the SBS was any indication, their new gunner is likely to be suffering from oxygen poisoning right now, meaning that their doctor will most likely be with her. I think they'll find their way to the medical wing before long."

"Should we send guards to intercept them, sir?" Henrick asked.

"Mmmm…" the Vice Admiral hummed contemplatively before shaking his head. "No. Not yet, let him perform the necessary treatment first. After all, we're not trying to make them suffer, merely to capture them. And I'd rather not risk their doctor… boosting, I believe it was. He's no doubt formidable enough without referencing Mr. Stevenson. No, we'll leave the medical wing alone for now; if they start causing trouble there, then we'll do whatever we must, though as it stands I don't think there's anything to worry about."

He waited for his staff to nod before continuing. "Now, moving on. Their chef is likely to infiltrate the kitchen. Jessica did admit that the suggestions he gave on the SBS have drastically improved the quality of our meals, so it should be easy enough to spot him going off of his skills… but on the other hand, the Marley brothers are due to arrive today."

As he said that, he recalled Cross' words about dealing with their 'administrative difficulties'. If he remembered right, there was an inspector due to arrive today as well. If Cross knew that, he was likely to know about the chefs as well. "Drake, once we're done here, warn Jessica to be on her toes; the Straw Hats may attempt to impersonate the Marley brothers."

"Yes, sir." The Commander snapped into a salute.

"Well, those are the easy ones," Jonathan sighed. "The rest are… less obvious. Cross is most likely going to keep his head down for the time being, keeping everyone connected. That leaves Straw Hat Luffy, Roronoa Zoro, Nefertari Vivi, their navigator, their sniper, and their unknown crewmate. The former three are likely going to stay as out of sight as they can, as we know their faces, but we can safely assume that the latter three are going to attempt to blend in."

He removed a piece of paper from his desk with specific instructions and gave it to Drake. "Here, I want you to pass these directions down through the ranks, make sure it remains written but _not_ spoken. And should you come across anyone who seems suspicious, be certain to remember that the passcode is Marineford Tango Enies. Understood?"

Drake scanned the paper for a moment before passing it along to the rest of the officers and snapping his superior a salute. "Completely and utterly, sir."

"Good." Jonathan nodded firmly, before allowing a serious expression to come over him and spread to the rest of his men. "Now, make note here: I'm giving the Straw Hats a fighting chance, if only because it will be beneficial for our troops to get some exercise. However…"

Jonathan stood up and walked over to the window, observing the colors of a sunrise painted across the sky. "If they're still running free in this base by sunrise tomorrow, I will _personally_ make sure that every last one of them ends up in the brig." He turned his head enough to give his subordinates a chilling look. "And I _sincerely_ hope that it doesn't come to that."

The tone of voice he used made Drake, Holger, Henrick, and Cormac break into a cold sweat. As easygoing as their leader normally was, the fact remained that Cross _had_ implored for him not to get involved for a reason that they all knew: nobody obtained the rank of Vice Admiral unless they were singlehandedly capable of matching their entire squad in power, much less somebody favored by the 'Mad Dog' of the Marines. And they held no illusions that the base's recent stretch of inactivity had in _any_ way diminished that strength, either.

"We will ensure that they are captured, sir!" the four of them chorused. Jonathan nodded, the seriousness on his face melting away with a tired sigh.

"At ease. Drake… ask Jessica to include the strongest brew on base with my breakfast, then assemble a force to seek out the Straw Hats. The rest of you, to your assigned stations. Send all transmissions in person or in writing; do not use Transponder Snails unless the situation is dire. Dismissed."

Jonathan didn't turn to watch as his men filtered out of his office. Rather, he continued to scan the skyline of his base, his _home,_ waiting, waiting, waiting… until finally, the first rays of a new day broke through the darkness.

Slowly and patiently, without so much as a hint of worry, Jonathan turned around and inched a pawn forward on the board.

"Let the games begin."

All Terry had to say about _that_ was a nervous gulp.

**MORNING**

**-24 Hours Remain-**

My first thought as I woke up, which I had as I leaned up and stretched my arms in a yawn, was that my hammock wasn't supposed to be this hard and uncomfortable and wood-like.

My second thought, which came _much_ faster as I tried to roll to the side and was promptly forced to catch myself in a sloth-grip, was the realization that I _was_ sleeping against wood, as well as the recollection that my captain and animal sidekick were currently hiding out in the middle of a Marine base.

My _third_ thought… wasn't so much a thought as a realization. More specifically, I realized that we weren't alone when a branch snapped abo— _below_ me.

This realization was confirmed when I looked _DOWN_ and caught sight of a pair of dumbstruck Marines staring _UP_ at me.

We stared at each other for a scant few seconds before I adopted a bland expression. "You two _do_ realize that the fact that you've managed to find us is _not_ a good thing, right?"

The soldiers nodded miserably in agreement.

We stayed frozen for a few moments longer until Soundbite decided to add in his own two cents by emerging from his shell and giving the Marines a toothy smile. " _You boys_ _ **gon' DIE."**_

_That_ snapped the soldiers into action, one running off through the trees while the other— _fumbled with a baby Transponder Snail? OH, HELL NO!_

I promptly let go of the branch and twisted my body around, falling on the hapless Marine with a bellowing cry of " _BODYSLAM!"_

I crashed down on the soldier and we promptly fell into a down-and-dirty no-holds-barred brawl… for all of fifteen seconds until I managed to grab the back of the poor bastard's head—

_THWACK!_

And ram his face right into my _knee ARGH! "SON OF A BITCH!"_ I yowled as I managed to leap to my feet and start hopping around, clutching my burning joint in agony. "MONKEY MANGO SACK ASS PINEAPPLE WHISKEY TANGO TURKEYS TROTTING TO FUCKING _WATER!_ _RIGHT ON THE FRICKING BORDERLINE BETWEEN HEALTHY AND CRISPY OOOOOW!"_

"HEY!" Soundbite roared in my ear. " _Less agonizing,_ _ **more hustling! THE OTHER ONE'S GETTING AWAY!"**_

I snapped my head up and glared daggers at the back of the running soldier. "Like hell he is!"

I promptly started hopping after him—

"GUM-GUM!"

Before pausing and looking up at my captain in—why was he puffed up in Gum Gum Balloon form and why was he holding his pipe to his—?"

"BLOWGUN!"

_CRACK!_

I reeled in shock as a noise as loud and sharp as a pistol blasted out of the end of Luffy's pipe. I barely had enough time to snap my head around to stare at the fleeing Marine… just as he snapped a hand to the back of his skull and collapsed into a boneless heap.

I gaped in shock for a second or two before blinking in realization. "Was that an acorn?" I called up to Luffy.

"Yup!" Luffy grinned as he shot me a thumbs-up. "Pretty cool, huh?"

I started to nod before freezing in panic as a horrifying thought struck me. "That guy's still alive, right?"

" _ **YEP!"**_

" _Oh-thank-God…"_ I wheezed as I clutched my chest in relief. "I don't know _how_ Jonathan would kill us using a fishing rod, but I am _positive_ that that's how he would do it if we killed one of his men."

"Personally, Cross, I think you should be more concerned with the fate _worse_ than death that awaits you if the Vice Admiral gets his hands on you."

"GAH!" I jumped in terror before spinning around to glare at our suddenly present cook. "Don't _do that_ , damn it!"

Sanji ignored me as he lit up a cigarette and took a drag before giving me a flat look. "Hence," he continued as though I hadn't interrupted him. "You should really be thanking me for saving your hide from _that_ guy over there." He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder.

I tilted my head slightly in confusion. "Uh…?"

"I'm pointing at the _third_ soldier that was with these two morons and who was about to call in your shit-hiding spot when I gave him a concussion," Sanji explained dryly.

I promptly plastered a desperate smile on my face. "Have I ever mentioned how much I _love_ the fact that you're one-third secret agent?"

I didn't take the time to puzzle over _why_ Sanji suddenly inhaled the rest of his cigarette and started choking, instead calling up to Luffy. "Hey Captain, mind gathering up these mooks so that we can strip them for their uniforms and then tie 'em up?"

"Sure, just gimme a sec!" Luffy promptly swung off, moving in a way that was _way_ too natural for a human being.

I stared after him in awe for a second before giving Sanji a wary glance. "I'm not the _only_ one who wonders about just how 'human' Luffy is, right?"

"That's rich, coming from you," the cook snickered.

"Har har, very funny…" I scoffed. "Alright, that aside, once we've got these guys taken care of, you two will need to head into the base and find a pair of cooks from HQ known as the Marley brothers; the battleships they'll be on haven't arrived yet, but I doubt it'll be long. Once you find them, nab their clothes and pretend to be them so that you can infiltrate the base's kitchen."

"… Infiltrate the kitchens… with Luffy."

"Just keep him on a leash." I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, while you're doing that, I'll stay here and watch over the Marines and keeping everyone connected."

Luffy chose that point to make his return, three KO'd Marines in one hand. I gave them a quick onceover before nodding. "Alright, pick a uniform, get dressed, and get going."

"Right!" Luffy nodded as he started divesting the soldiers.

Soon enough, the Marines were clad in only their skivvies and left hanging from the branches of the trees, thoroughly gagged and bound with no chances of escape.

I watched my newly disguised comrades leave for a few seconds before leaning back into the trunk of the tree I was settled in and looking at Soundbite. "So, now that that particular instance of madness is over and done with, the next most pressing issue among our crew is Conis. Chopper, how is she?"

" _Ah… well, she's certainly_ alive… _though beyond that—GRK!_ "

**-o-**

"Fluuufffyyy…" Conis giggled as she buried her face in the scruff of the flailing doctor's neck.

"I honestly think her current condition is very much a matter of perspective and opinion…" the reindeer said with a tone of forced calm.

" _Shouldn't you be doing your little dance and blatantly lying about how compliments don't make you happy?"_

"First off, those compliments really _don't_ make me happy!" Chopper snapped as he tried to wriggle his way out of Conis' _stupidly_ strong grip. "And second, she's not complimenting my medical prowess, she's complimenting my _fur._ Totally different!"

" _Riiiight. You know, next time we meet Ace, I think I'll ask him to keep an eye out for an opportunity to throw a fireball at your shorts."_

"Oh, shut up!"

" _Heh… Anyway, how long do you think it'll take for her to get over this?"_

"Ergh, it's hard to—Hey, don't pull on—OWOWOW!"

"Heeheehee— _GRK!"_ Conis continued to giggle blearily as she yanked on Chopper's antlers before suddenly jerking up ramrod straight for a second, and then collapsing forwards into a snoring heap, revealing Su perched on her back with her paw on a syringe sticking out of the Angel's shoulder.

"Sedative," she explained blandly. "Sorry, but that was starting to get old."

"I appreciate that, Su," Chopper groaned, massaging his head at the base of his antlers before switching to his Heavy Point and picking up Conis. "Now, we need to get her a controlled flow of air so that she can adapt, or she'll be just as… incoherent when she wakes up again. Now, where's an air tank we can use…"

"Oh! Excuse me, I thought all of the other doctors were gone."

Chopper froze and Su bolted under a nearby table like a flash of greased lightning when a feminine voice came from behind them. Its owner turned out to be a purple-haired young woman with glasses and a white coat.

" _Don't panic,"_ Cross said, directly in their ears. " _That's most likely the hemophobe I told you about, Dr. Kobato. She's a good physician, but she's also something of a ditz. Act natural, and she won't notice anything's wrong. Worst comes to worst, you can flash some blood, and she'll be out like a light."_

"Uh… you're Doctor Kobato?" Chopper asked hesitantly.

"Yes, that's me," the woman replied calmly. "And you?"

"Uh… H-Hiriluk, my name is Doctor Hiriluk," the reindeer hastily answered, drawing himself upright in an effort to project an air of authority. "It's a good thing you're here, I need your help. This young woman is suffering from oxygen poisoning; I was forced to sedate her as her delirium became dangerous. Where do you keep your oxygen tanks?"

A hint of steel came into Kobato's eyes as she took in the unconscious Conis, but her smile never faltered as she walked over to one of the cots. "We have one here, Doctor. Just lay her down and I'll help you get her set up."

Chopper nodded, carefully taking Conis into his arms before laying her on the bed, making sure to tuck the blankets in such a way that her wings were hidden. Kobato didn't notice this, fortunately, too busy with placing the mask over Conis' face. "What was the cause of this, Doctor?"

"Uhh…"

" _Repeat after me, Chopper,"_ Cross hissed. The doctor nodded automatically as he spoke the words that came into his ears.

"Oh, it was a sudden decrease in altitude, I think she tried jumping off the top of a Marine base. How she got out of that without a scratch, I don't know, but she's been incoherent since we arrived here."

"J-jumped off the top of a Marine base?" Kobato said incredulously.

"She's sort of a thrill seeker," Chopper shrugged.

"Oh. Well, that makes sense."

' _She actually bought that?'_ Su thought incredulously.

' _She actually bought that…'_ Chopper thought in resignation.

"Well, thankfully she _looks_ to be fine…" The Marine doctor tilted her head contemplatively as she looked Conis over. "Still," Chopper felt his heart skip a beat when she started to run her hands over his crewmate in a sickeningly familiar manner. "Just to be sure, I'll give her a routine physical."

"Ah-ah-ah—!" Chopper sputtered frantically as he flailed his arms in a panic behind her back. "T-t-t-there's really no need for that, I-I already gave her a onceover myself, s-she's fine!"

"Oh, no, it's no trouble at all," Kobato waved him off absentmindedly without taking her attention off of Conis. "I trust your prognoses but I just feel like it would be prudent to double-check is all. It always pays to have a second opinion, you know?"

"Aheh… yeah, right…" Chopper trailed off uncomfortably. He then proceeded to snap into his Brain Point and start desperately rummaging through his pack, the hardier medical instruments flung out in succession.

Kobato, meanwhile continued patting Conis down while entirely oblivious to her 'colleague's' panic. "Alright, limbs and neck seem fine, moving on to the spinal column…" She reached under the covers and paused in confusion as she felt _feathers_ of all things brush her fingers. "Well, that's odd, I could have _sworn_ that this mattress was in perfect condition a few hours ago." She continued feeling around for a bit before sighing in relief. "Oh, never mind, it's fine, these feathers are merely attached to the patient's wi—" She paused as she ran that thought through her head a few times before recoiling in shock. " _The patient's wings!?"_

"Ah-ah…" Chopper fumbled for an answer for a second before chancing upon an idea. " _Of course_ she has wings!" he blurted in a forced 'no duh' tone of voice. "S-She's from a _Sky_ Island, they all have wings up there! W-Were you not aware of this?"

Kobato's shock evaporated into confusion as she mulled that statement over before she finally chuckled and slapped her forehead. "Ha, of course! _Now_ I remember! My apologies, I'm known as something of a ditz around the base, you see."

Chopper and Su breathed simultaneous sighs of relief.

Meanwhile, the Marine continued chuckling as she continued examining Conis. "But still, you can't exactly fault me for my ignorance. After all, I only learned that Sky Island existed a few days ago by listening to the SBS."

Both Chopper and Su tensed as they prepared for the worst, only to relax when Kobato didn't elaborate.

Finally satisfied, the doctor withdrew her hands and walked over to a countertop where she picked up a clipboard. "Alright, everything seems perfectly normal, I'll begin filling out her chart. What's the patient's name?"

"Conis, no last name," Chopper answered instinctively before slapping his hooves over his mouth in horror. Said horror intensified when Kobato stopped writing.

"C-O-N-I-S?" she asked in confirmation.

"N-no, K…" Chopper corrected fearfully.

"Oh, alright then!" Kobato nodded with a smile. "I just ask because her name sounded like Conis. You know, the Straw Hats' latest recruit? She's from a Sky Island too, so I imagine that there'll be some confusion in her future."

"…yeah, I imagine so…" Chopper slowly nodded in agreement.

"Alright…" Kobato moved on to another line. "And does she have any family I should be aware of?"

"Just her father back on Skypiea." Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation as he turned to the room's medical cabinets and started fiddling around with their contents. ' _After all,'_ he reasoned with himself. ' _You never know when you might need to restock.'_

Kobato nodded again as she continued writing. "Got it, father in Skypiea. Just… like…" Ice shot through Chopper and Su's veins when the doctor slowly stopped writing and trailed, the blood drained from her face in horror as she slowly looked at Conis' face. "C-Conis with a C…"

The room was paralyzed for a moment until the Zoan in the room thumped his head against the nearest available shelf. "I don't suppose there's any chance that you'd do us the favor of _not_ screaming?" Chopper groaned in resignation.

Kobato's response was to open her mouth—

" _Oh, come on!"_

And promptly gag when a bundle of white fur was stuffed into it.

"Out of all the slip-ups— _OW!_ — _that's_ when you finally connect the dots!?" Su snarled as she held on to the doctor's shoulder for dear life, her tail firmly wedged in the doctor's mouth. She then snapped her head over to Chopper. "Hurry the hell up, sawbones!"

Kobato reeled and scrabbled with Su for a moment…

_THWACK!_ "MMPH!" " _YEOW!"_

Before biting down _hard_ on the tail when she felt _something_ thin and hard plunge into her shoulder, which in turn elicited a yowl of vulpine pain from Su.

However, the doctor's pain lasted only a moment before oblivion invaded her mind and she slumped over on Conis' bed, dead to the world save for her snores.

Su whimpered miserably as she held her bitten tail before her face. "That… was unpleasant…" She proceeded to snap a glare at Chopper. "And what took _you_ so long, hm!?"

"Forgive me for not thinking I'd need to stock up on _syringes_ of all things…" Chopper panted as he slowly lowered his arm from the post-throw position it had been in. He then sighed despondently as he changed to his Heavy Point and gingerly extracted a now-empty needle from Kobato's shoulder. "I am getting _way_ too much experience with this."

Su spared a moment from licking her own tail to snicker at him. "Yeah, you're right. After all, there _are_ better ways to get girls then pumping them full of chemicals, don't you know? Tseeheehee—!"

The human-reindeer held up the syringe, light glinting menacingly off the needle. "I can refill this with the appropriate dosage in _seconds."_

"Shutting up now," Su said quickly.

" _Mmph… well, there's the proof of how much of a ditz she is. I honestly forgot that she was_ that _bad,_ " Cross said. " _Anyway, once she's awake, you should have enough of an opportunity to talk her into helping the patients that will arrive soon. She'll be outright on our side once you've cured her hemophobia."_

"Hooray," Su and Chopper chorused unenthusiastically.

" _Oh, perk up, her dad's a shipwright who'll look after the Merry and help Usopp patch her up once we get them together. Anyway, moving on…"_

**-o-**

" _Robin, how are things going with your mission?"_

"Perfectly, Cross," Robin replied, striding down the hallway in her stolen outfit without so much as a care in the world. "The ship from HQ has just arrived and they are unloading men now. I've already dealt with the good inspector and am touring the facilities as we speak. On that note, I took the liberty of incapacitating the Marley brothers while I was at it. Soundbite, if you'd be so kind as to direct Mr. Cook and the captain to them?"

" _ **Roger roger."**_

" _We've got them. Thank you, my darling!"_

" _Nice work, Robin!"_

" _What the monkey said. So… at the risk of losing my appetite now and forever, what happened to Condo—er, I mean, Shepherd?"_

"Well…" Robin said with a smirk.

**-o-**

A Marine grunt stared, jaw dropped, at the sight that awaited him in the supply closet where he had gone to fetch a mop.

A man with short black hair in a widow's peak who was wearing a magenta undershirt and purple pants was bound and gagged in the room. While that was odd in and of itself, the part of the ensemble that drew his attention most was the note pinned to said man's undershirt, which clearly read ' _I'm a stuck-up ass from HQ looking to shut this base down for the glory of it!'_ Hesitantly, the man reached out to un-gag the squirming man, who spat for a few seconds before barking at him.

"You incompetent buffoon! What made you hesitate to help me? I'll have you court-martia—MMPH?!"

The grunt promptly replaced the gag, grabbed the mop he had come for, and closed the door in the man's face.

"Hey, you were in there awhile," the grunt's friend noted in surprise. "Anything wrong?"

"Nope," the grunt said, marching away from the closet without so much as missing a beat. "Not a thing."

**-o-**

" _PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Robin, in case you happened to miss the memo any time in the past few years, you are a genius."_

"Trust me, I'm aware," she purred cheekily.

" _Well, anyway, be careful when you meet with the Vice Admiral. Jonathan's the kind of guy who's taken the time to find out what an aged-up version of your bounty picture would look like. Easy money says that he'll recognize you when he sees you, but with any luck he'll be too intrigued or amused to do anything about it. No guarantees, though."_

Robin's eyebrow twitched minutely in irritation, though she didn't break her stride. "And you didn't think to mention this sooner?"

" _Hey, my knowledge is spotty at best, alright? I'm mostly playing this by the ear. Just… hope for the best."_

The ex-assassin flexed her fingers. "I am starting to see the appeal of using you as a punching bag, Mister Jeremiah."

" _Har har, very funny. Anyway, moving on. Nami, how you holding up?"_

" _Ah…"_ their navigator grit out uncomfortably. " _See, the answer to that question's kind of… complicated."_

"Oh, come now, Miss Navigator," Robin chided as she brought her fist to her mouth in order to hide a chuckle. "How bad could it possibly—?"

Robin's words died in her throat when she reached an intersection and was brought face to face with the subject of discussion in question.

The archaeologist stared in shock for several seconds before slowly raising her sunglasses onto her forehead in order to get a better view. "… Well now. Dare I even ask?"

Nami groaned miserably as she clawed a hand down her face. "I wound up in the laundry room looking for something to wear, some Marines walked in on me while I was holding this coat, one lie led to another and suddenly I'm masquerading using my mother's name and rank!"

"… _Please tell me I'm misremembering seeing a picture of your mother wearing a coat only_ Captains or higher _wear,"_ Cross deadpanned.

"No, Cross," Robin shook her head slowly as she took in the ornate coat Nami was wearing. "No, you are most certainly _not."_

" _Ugh… well, depending on how good Nami's espionage skills are, this could either be a windfall or a calamity. Nami, I know you did a lot of masquerading as a pirate for the last few years, but how good are you at impersonating a Marine?"_

Before Nami could respond, she was interrupted by a Marine walking around a blind corner and almost running into her. "Ah—! S-Sorry about that ma'am, I wasn't looking where I was going and—!"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Robin watched with bemusement as the crew's navigator grabbed the hapless soldier's collar and drew him in close so that she was roaring directly in his face. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW MUCH THIS COAT COSTS? I COULD TAKE EVERY BERI YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC FAMILY HAS MADE IN THE LAST TEN GENERATIONS AND IT STILL WOULDN'T EVEN BE ENOUGH TO GET IT _DRYCLEANED,_ YOU UTTER IGNORAMUS!"

"I-I'm so sorry, p-please forgive me, Captain, I-I-I won't do it again!" the Marine sobbed miserably, tears fountaining down his cheeks.

"You want my forgiveness?" Nami spat. "Then go to this base's godforsaken kitchen and order me a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, with a twist of aged tangerine, three and a half cubes of ice, _and a green umbrella IN NO LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES!"_ She then proceeded to all but throw the soldier down the hallway he'd come out of, yelling after his retreating back. "AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL IF YOU GET SO MUCH AS _ONE_ ELEMENT OF THAT DRINK WRONG, BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL WON'T!"

The incognito pirates watched him run like the hounds of hell were on his heels before Nami turned to Robin with a beatific smile. "So, you'll be the good Marine and I'll be the bad Marine, then?"

"I would say so, Miss Navigator," Robin chuckled in agreement.

" _Daaaaaamn…"_ Cross breathed in awe. " _You've been holding out on us, haven't you?"_

"Are you kidding?" Nami scoffed as she and Robin started walking down the hallway again. "I've got almost ten years of suppressed fury pounding around inside of me. You haven't seen _anything_ yet."

"Hmph, I imagine so," Robin laughed into her hand before pausing and humming thoughtfully. "Ah yes, and before I forget, Mister Doctor? I should warn you that you should hasten to rouse Dr. Kobato and make her an ally before the patients arrive."

" _Ugh, alright, I was expecting this. How long have I got?"_

"Five minutes at most," Robin replied cheerfully.

There was a pause. And following that was a solid thirty seconds of invective that left even _Soundbite_ silent.

"… I believe you've been spending too much time with Soundbite," Robin said at last.

" _AND YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH CROSS, YOU JERK!"_ Chopper snapped. " _AND ONE WORD OUT OF YOU, SANJI, AND I SWEAR THAT I WILL GIVE YOU A VASECTOMY IN YOUR_ SLEEP!"

"… _I am now officially unsure who's scarier: Nami or Chopper,"_ Usopp muttered in the ensuing silence.

"Careful, Long-nose, I work hard to maintain my reputation," Nami muttered under her breath. "You do _not_ want me pulling double-duty."

" _RIGHT! MOVING ON!"_ Cross barked. " _You two sound like you've got it handled, good luck to the both of you. Usopp, what are you up to right now?"_

" _Eh, not much, thankfully."_

**-o-**

"Or at least, not right now. It hasn't been _boring_ ," Usopp said, looking over the small collection of trussed-up grunts near him. "One weakness to point out to Jonathan: the patrols aren't very big. If it's only two or three people, it leaves them open to be sniped down before they even notice. I've taken care of a few grunts who aren't going to make that mistake again; their weapons are in the bay, and I've already got one of their uniforms. So, if they've finished moving the Merry, now would be the time to lead me to it."

" _Nice work. Soundbite, do you have a location?"_

" **Having a bit** OF A TIME _MAPPING OUT THE CORRIDORS,_ _ **but I think so."**_

" _Good, lead him to her. Oh, and Usopp, when you get there, take note of an old shipwright named Mekao. I mentioned him earlier; odds are that if you tell him about the Klabautermann, we'll have another ally."_

"Got it," Usopp said, securing his Marine cap before heading off.

" _Next up… Boss, you and your students doing alright?"_

" _That depends on how you define 'alright,' Cross,"_ Boss said in a voice of forced calm.

**-o-**

"Personally, I wouldn't define it as 'being chased through the water by a _net of sea prism stone that's TRAWLING THE BAY!'_ " the dugong roared as he and his students floated on the surface of the bay hidden behind the corner of the base's central spire, staring in terror as a massive net that spanned from the spire to the outer ring with no gaps between it and the rockface was slowly dragged through the waters of the bay by being passed from opening to opening high above them.

" _Wha—a ne—!? Ohhhh… riiight."_

"You had better not be about to tell us that you saw this coming, Cross!" Leo said furiously.

" _No, of course not! Forgetting about potentially life-threatening things is Vivi's job."_

" _I heard that,"_ the princess said waspishly.

" _You can pwotest when it's not twue, but fo' now, you can't weawwy deny it,"_ Carue snickered.

" _Tsk…"_ Vivi grumbled darkly.

" _Anyway,"_ Cross spoke up. " _What I just remembered is the fact that Jonathan's a freaking_ genius. _It'd be more shocking if he_ didn't _have some kind of contingency plan in place for fishmen. Looks like this is it."_

"Yeah, well, this contingency's about to scoop me and my boys up!" Boss snarled. "Any bright ideas, _Jerry-boy!?"_

"… _If you ever call me that again, Boss, I'll tell the_ world _how Kung Fu Dugongs happened. And trust me, your poker faces_ suck," Cross said frigidly.

All five dugongs were caught between the urge to blush in both rage and embarrassment and pale. "…Duly noted," Boss finally conceded.

" _Now get us out of here!"_ Mikey flailed his limbs in a panic.

" _Alright, look, it's easy alright? Just employ the Invulnerable Door fallacy."_

"Uh…?" Four of the five Dugongs tilted their heads in confusion.

Donny, meanwhile, slapped his fin to his forehead with a groan. "I'm an idiot."

"Eh?" His compatriots looked at him in askance.

The purple-bandanna wearer gave them a flat look. "Even if a door is utterly impenetrable," he rapped his flipper against the rock face they were hiding against. "There's a good chance that the wall around it is less so."

"Ohhh," chorused Raphey, Leo, and Mikey. Boss, for his part, simply nodded.

"Alright, boys, you heard them." He snapped a flipper out so that it was pointing downwards. "Let's all get digging!"

The students glanced at each other in concern before giving their teacher an uncomfortable look. "Uh…" Raphey slowly raised her flipper. "Can't Leo just carve out a hole big enough for us all?"

"No way!" Boss crossed his flippers in denial. "Leo earned his skills, now it's your turn." He grit his teeth confidently. "Dig or get caught, brats!" He made to dive before pausing and snapping a glare up at Leo. "Oh, and your hole better be several meters deep, or else I'll toss you to the goons myself." _Then_ he dived.

The students remained floating for a bit longer before exchanging flat looks.

"Remind me why we followed him into the pirate life again?" Raphey groused.

"Because somehow the rest of our species is even crazier than _he_ is," Leo sighed wearily.

"Come on, guys, you all know that he loves u— _WAGH!"_ Mikey's words were cut off when he was suddenly yanked underwater.

" _GET YOUR TAILS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"_

" _YESSIR!"_ The apprentices hastily complied.

"… _Well, that shit just happened. Alright, moving on for the sake of sanity. Zoro, I dread to ask, but any idea where you are now?"_

" _Yeah, it's actually really weird."_

**-o-**

"Did you know that they've got another ship here that looks just like the Merry?" Zoro asked, observing the very distinct ship from behind a giant gear.

"… _I MUST_ **have heard you WRONG,** _ **Cross. I** thought you said_ ' _ **for the sake of sanity,'"**_ Soundbite said weakly.

" _Yes, shame on me. I'd ask how this is possible, especially considering how the place is set up as a damn ambush… buuuuut I'm pretty sure that answer ends with my brains oozing out of my ears. For now, just stay where you are."_

"Eh, sure thing," Zoro turned around and started walking away, gravel crunching under his boots.

" _WHY THE EVER-LOVING_ **FUCK ARE YOU** _**MOVING!?"**_

"Calm down, snail, I'm just going to find a drink, I'll be right back."

"… _I honestly don't know_ what _I expected. Moving on, Vivi, how are things on your end?"_

**-o-**

Sanji snapped his head up, foregoing his progress towards the kitchen and concentrating intently on the answer.

" _Yes, we're now receiving the royal treatment from a full_ squadron _of Marines. Honestly, I'm tempted to find a balcony and work on my tan."_

" _Please don't."_

"I BEG TO—!"

" _Volume control, idiot!"_ Su cut in.

Sanji coughed uncomfortably into his fist as he noticed the confused glances the other Marines were sending him, then continued on at a much lower volume. "I humbly beg to differ, darling princess."

"… _Soundbite, unless Sanji gets on track very soon, do us all the favor of_ muting _him,"_ Nami said in irritation.

" _Heck, do us all a favor and do it anyways."_

"Watch it, mosshead!…but fine," Sanji ultimately sighed, glancing around cautiously as he continued walking. "Our status… on our way to the kitchen. I think we're heading in the right direction, if foot traffic and Luffy's nose are anything to go by."

" _Huh. Fast moving. Alright, if I remember right, everyone there should welcome you with open arms as soon as you show off your skills, but if they've caught anything from your cooking lessons on the SBS, they may be suspicious at first. The Marley brothers are complete jokes, they can't even peel potatoes, but their reputation should provide the cushion you need to blend in. Just watch your step, especially_ _when Jonathan shows up for lunch. So long as Luffy_ doesn't _deliver it, or eat everything you guys make for that matter, you'll be able to blend in for a while longer."_

"Got it," Sanji nodded. "And if reputations aren't all they're cracked up to be, I could use that to explain away Luffy's behavior."

" _Nice one._ _Alright, that just leaves… Lassoo, everything alright on the Merry?"_

" _Well, a squad of Marines are onboard, and a few have been poking around here,_ " the dog-gun muttered quietly. " _A couple of grunts came in here earlier and took a few Dials… and I'm pretty sure that that black one Conis had was one of them."_

" _WHAT?! Soundbite, connect me to Jonathan, NOW!"_

**-o-**

"You just don't understand, do you?" Isaiah sighed in his usual baritone. "Manliness is not something you _show_. It's something you _are_. Displays such as yours are not only pointless, they imply a deep insecurity that is not manly in the slightest."

"AND YOU'RE TOO DAMN COLD!" Terry shot back. "A REAL MAN NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN TO HAVE FIRE IN HIS VEINS AS WELL AS ICE! YOU'RE JUST ALL ICE, ALL THE TIME!"

Jonathan groaned, cradling his head in his hands. The two South Birds had promised to be an annoyance from the first time he heard them, but he'd had no idea they could be _this_ bad. They'd been going back and forth pretty much since midnight, and only strong coffee and plenty of experience with all-nighters was keeping him alert. Of course, if he didn't get some sort of break soon, he'd probably go mad.

" _Vice Admiral Jonathan!"_

The Marine in question looked up from his chessboard as Cross' voice sounded around him. That worked. "Mister Cross?"

" _Something I should warn you about, and that you should warn your soldiers about, too:_ stay out of our arsenal. _In particular, there are a few Dials we have that could_ VAPORIZE _your men if they touch them wrong. For the sake of getting them all back, I won't tell you which ones. But I'm just giving you a fair warning; we have no problem fighting our way out of here, but we_ are _trying not to kill anyone."_

"Mmhmm, I see…" Jonathan nodded slowly in agreement, the South Birds mercifully silent, before pushing one of the black knights on the board. "Just one moment, please. Drake, could you come in here?"

His second-in-command promptly entered the office with a salute. "Sir?"

"Have the men search the Straw Hats' ship's arsenal, it seems that the weapon with the Zoan fruit is hiding in there after all."

"… _shit,"_ Cross's disembodied voice flatly summarized.

"OH, NOOOOOOOO!" Terry threw in.

" _DAMN IT, CROSS!"_ a furious voice yowled before howling out " _CANI-SCREEN!"_

Jonathan sighed as the sounds of hacking coughs from various Marines filled the line. "Now you're just gloating."

" _I give you a piece of advice to try to keep your men safe from an actual hazard, and you respond like this? Not only ignoring me, but doing what I just told you not to do? Oh, no,_ this _doesn't qualify as gloating. I'll show you gloating_ later."

And then the office fell silent, the two South Birds both smugly grinning.

"Well, that's not ominous at all," Drake cheerfully stated.

" _Lieutenant Commander."_

"Right, catch the dog!" Drake blurted as he wheeled around and all but ran out of the room.

Jonathan stared at the door for a second before directing a glare at the chessboard before him. "They are making it _very_ hard to apply this game in real life…" he grumbled.

**-o-**

" _Alright, I need to think about what we've got so far. Soundbite is still listening, so just say his name if you need to talk. I'll let you guys know once I've got some kind of plan."_

"Take your time, Cross," Chopper ground out as the transmission faded, looking back at the pediatrician, who seemed terrified. "Alright… Dr. Kobato, there's soon going to be a large number of Marines arriving here from the battleships that have docked on base. Many of them are going to need treatment, and fast. I'm going to help you, but as this base's doctor, you need to be able to do the surgeries necessary to save their lives."

Kobato's eyes widened even more. "B-B-But I… I specialize in children's medicine, I'm no good at surgeries! I'm barely able to deliver a shot! I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help, I just can't stand the thought of hurting people."

Chopper folded his arms with a weary sigh. "Kobato, let me tell you a story from the man who was my teacher and father…"

Three minutes later, the nurses and the patients arrived, and a determined Kobato stood alongside Chopper as they began the necessary treatments. She barely acknowledged the fact that he was a pirate as they worked.

And considering the amount of work they had to do, neither of them noticed that in the middle of it all, a specific patient and her pet had managed to wander out of the infirmary.

**-o-**

"…In other words, you would presume to tell me what real cooking is, right?" Sanji asked the obviously skilled and passionate head chef.

"No, I'm not trying to say anything quite as dramatic as that," Jessica replied coolly. "I just want you and your brother to show that pride you talk so much about. I'll give anyone a chance to prove themselves, no matter how pretentious they might be. However, there will be trouble if I think you lack anything in skill or attitude." The rest of the cooks looked on sourly while Jessica finished her speech. "Let me make this clear: unless you satisfy me, you will never be able to call yourselves cooks in Navarone."

"I see. That sounds like a challenge. But let me ask you this," Sanji continued, blowing out some smoke. "You clearly know the importance of food. But speaking from experience, the head chef's skill isn't the best way to determine how good his or her employees are. So, what do you say to going one-on-one?"

The chefs' indignation at the apparent insult promptly melted in favor of smugness. "Challenging Jessica? He's toast." " _Burnt_ toast." "Thousand Beri says he starts crying in ten minutes." "Two thousand on twenty." The murmurs continued in the same vein until Jessica raised a hand and extinguished them like a candle, though her expression was no less smug.

"It _has_ been a long time since I've had the opportunity to demonstrate why I'm the head chef here," she mused. "So be it. You and I will prepare the same dish. My husband, Commander Jonathan, will determine the winner through a blind taste test."

Sanji's smile froze, and he twitched ever so slightly as he fought to maintain his composure. "A-An excellent idea, milady. So…" Sanji glanced around warily. "Where is he, exactly?"

Jessica's smugness faltered. "…Well, this is a bit awkward. Lunch is meant to be delivered to him in half an hour or so."

"Well, then, in the meantime, how about I show some of my other recipes? After all, I heard from more than one Marine on my way down here that it's just about mealtime. Oh, and—" He grabbed Luffy's head and slammed his face into a convenient griddle before he could successfully reach the plate he'd been leaning towards, pointedly ignoring the sizzling sounds that came up. "—I should warn you, this guy has only ever been a taste-tester, and a gluttonous one, at that. How people got the idea that we were both good cooks, I have no idea."

Jessica cocked an eyebrow as she watched Luffy struggle beneath his own cook's grip. "He's resilient, too."

"I have to take drastic measures to keep his mouth under control," Sanji explained as he jerked Luffy's charred face up.

"JERK! Now everything's gonna taste all smoky!" Luffy pouted with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"…Whatever the heck I was expecting, it sure wasn't this," said one of the many, many sweatdropping chefs.

"You mean the fact that only one's actually good at cooking or the fact that that the boss hasn't broken that one like a stalk of celery yet?"

"Yes."

"BACK TO WORK BEFORE I START USING DISCIPLINARY PRACTICES FROM HQ!" Jessica roared, which kicked her staff into high gear. Satisfied, she made to grab a bottle before pausing as she took notice of the weight. "Tsk. Jacob, if you've got the time, could you go and grab some cooking sherry from the fridge? I'm starting to run low."

"Gladly, madam," Sanji responded, making a beeline for the refrigerator. With nobody nearby, he opened the door. And then every muscle in his body locked up in shock.

Zoro stared back, nonchalantly continuing to drain a bottle of sake as he sat in the stupidly smooth hole in the back of the walk-in freezer.

_**"HOW THE HELL!?**_ I stopped paying attention for _TEN SECONDS!"_ shrieked Soundbite from nowhere.

Zoro finished off the bottle he was holding with a sigh before cocking an eyebrow. "So? What of it?"

**"YOU CROSSED HALF THE BASE!** _**YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SPIRE!** _ **"**

"…" Zoro was silent as he glanced out the hole he'd carved before shrugging and tearing the cork out of a new bottle with his teeth. "I don't follow you."

"… **screw it.** _ **That way lies madness."**_

" _You say that as if we didn't all crack long ago,"_ Lassoo wheezed from somewhere.

" _That explains so much…"_ Su muttered.

Sanji, meanwhile, plastered a deliberately neutral expression on his face as he grabbed three bottles of sherry, left the fridge, and returned to Jessica. "I think you may have a rat problem," he deadpanned as he set two bottles down and poured himself a glass of another. Grimacing at that, Jessica walked off towards the fridge. Forty seconds later, she was back with an identical expression, accepting the bottle Sanji was offering to her without hesitation.

"I think you may be right," she said flatly before knocking the bottle back.

Once they had both recovered from the respectively disturbing assaults on their sanity, Sanji submitted a few specific recipes to Jessica, who passed them on to her chefs. Upon seeing how phenomenal the resulting meal was, Jessica saw the opportunity to test him.

"Well, your skills seem to be all that you've advertised them as…" She gave the newcomer a sharp glance. "Sanji."

Sanji didn't so much as flinch. "Hmm? Who?" He slowly pointed at himself. "Are you referring to me, by any chance?"

Jessica stared at him for a few seconds before waving dismissively. "Sorry, sorry, my mistake." She glanced up at the kitchen's clock before grinning eagerly. "Ah, now that's better. We have ten minutes until it's time for Jonathan's meal. Is that enough time for you, Jacob?"

"Easily. So, what will be the dish we prepare?"

"Lamb chop in gravy, with steamed carrots and broccoli, as well as mixed peas and heirloom beans. I call it the Shepherd's Repast."

"So, your husband is a vegetable lover?" Sanji posed, moving to the pantry along with Jessica while producing a headband and tying it around his head in such a way that his eyebrow was hidden; after all, he knew that that nickname of Zoro's had made it onto the SBS more than once.

"Well, they're good for him," Jessica said with a smile. "And what's with that headband?"

"Oh, just a mark of seriousness for competition," Sanji replied, suppressing the bitterness of the fact that he was imitating Zoro. He hoped the mosshead never found out.

Jessica shrugged, and so it went from there. Both gathered the same basic ingredients, but chose different accents for the plate. Side-by-side they stood at identical cooking stations, fires flaring as the pair of them both demonstrated their skills. Both moved with well-practiced grace that left the other chefs staring in awe. Steam here, smoke there, and no shortage of delicious smells. They even plated identically, but in the end, it seemed that a few different spice jars and a bit of cheese, juice, and honey made all the difference; while Jessica's steamed beautifully, Sanji's dish practically shone. The difference was plain, and Jessica's eye was twitching as she took in both that and the awestruck looks of the cooks, their murmuring now reversed from earlier.

"It's actually better-looking than Jessica's." "The smell is better, too." "It's the difference between an expert and a master."

"SILENCE!" Jessica yelled, locking eyes with Sanji. "Take your dish and follow me," she said shortly, covering the tray and quickly walking out of the kitchen.

Sanji hesitated for the briefest of moments before shooting Luffy a hasty grin. "Why don't you stay here and…" The cook had to fight to keep from spitting up blood as he spoke the next lines. " _Taste all the dishes,_ brother."

The width of Luffy's grin was matched by every other face in the kitchen going white. "Sure thing! Sounds like fun!" And before they could stop him, the rubber-man blurred towards the array of already finished dishes.

Sanji silently offered a few apologies to food in general before rushing to catch up with the base's head chef. The two walked in silence for a minute or two before finally reaching the doors of their destination.

He entered alongside Jessica, and took in the sight of Jonathan: white outfit, short red hair and beard, and large eyebrows and moustache that were so dark red that they were almost black. He had a relaxed look about him.

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Is that the only thing you can say?"

He also had the two South Birds on his shoulders, and looking a little more closely, that relaxed air was notably brittle.

"Ah, Jessica, what's this? Two meals?"

"Mister Marley here challenged me, matching his cooking skills against mine. You will be determining the winner as you taste the dish," Jessica replied, fully calm; after all, as long as her husband liked her food better, she couldn't be upset. She and Sanji placed the covered dishes onto the desk, and removed the covers.

"The Shepherd's Repast for your enjoyment, Commander Jonathan," Sanji said smoothly.

The Vice Admiral's eyebrows rose as he took in the dishes before him. One looked as unappetizing as ever, but the other… despite the fact that the ingredients were the same, it actually looked appetizing. Then he realized the issue in his current situation. It was glaringly obvious who made which dish, meaning he was either going to choose the one that was obviously better, or the one that was obviously his wife's. At least the damnable South Birds were silent.

In an effort to fend off that choice, he gathered a generous spoonful of Jessica's dish, including the broccoli. As he put it into his mouth, it took every bit of control he had to suppress his gag reflex. He loved his wife and he adored her cooking, he really did, but it just seemed like whatever vegetables she touched gained an almost supernatural hatred for his palate. Nevertheless, he managed to swallow painfully and continue on to the rest of the thankfully edible meal.

He directed an only semi-forced grin at his wife. "Delicious as always, dear."

Jessica shot her nose up at Sanji with a contented sniff, which elicited a somewhat conflicted sigh from the disguised pirate. Processing that, Jonathan turned to the more visually appetizing meal. Hiding a grimace, he spooned up another generous helping of vegetables and put it into his mouth. His eyes widened; it was undoubtedly broccoli and carrots that he was eating. But the steaming on them was different, and the spices and bits of cheese on it made it more much more palatable. In fact, it was delicious. He forced down the urge to get another spoonful, turning his utensil towards the meat instead. The vegetables were obviously better, but surely Jessica couldn't be outdone on her lamb chop?

Surely she could, he reflected, as the meat melted in his mouth like filet mignon. Jessica's had been wonderful, but this… this was _perfect_. Jonathan swallowed, now legitimately nervous.

The two cooks analyzed the Vice Admiral intently, eagerly gauging his facial expressions.

"Well?" Jessica asked with absolute confidence. "Who's better?"

It took every bit of willpower Jonathan had to freeze his facial muscles, so that he had the time he needed to ponder what answer he would give. On the one hand, he could just take the easy road and say that Jessica was the better cook. An obvious solution that would save him a lot of trouble in the future… but on the other hand, it would also be a lie. To lie like that would be a dire insult to the _possible_ Marley brother standing before him, and the fact that he had just tasted broccoli that he _wanted_ to eat again was a strong point in favor of him telling the truth, so he wouldn't suffer again.

' _I have to choose between good food and Jessica not being mad. Whether this man is a pirate or not, it would be wonderful to have this dish… but then again, I have to_ live _with Jessica. It seems that I'll simply have to—'_

Without even a hint of warning whatsoever, the doors to the office were busted down, allowing one salivating Monkey D. Luffy to enter the room. "Hey Sanji, they ran out of dishes to taste in the kitchen! Can I have the great stuff I'm smelling in here?"

After a moment's pause, Jonathan responded by slowly pushing both plates forward. "All yours, Captain Luffy."

"Thanks!" Luffy nodded his thanks before rushing forwards and starting to pig out on the dishes.

For a few seconds, the only noise that could be heard was the sound of Luffy chowing down at speeds that put buzzsaws to shame, until finally a disembodied sigh wafted through the air. " _I tried. I really, really,_ really _tried."_

"Don't even worry about it, Cross…" Sanji sighed out a cloud of smoke as he weathered the infernal glare Jessica was trying to melt his brains with. "This isn't even _remotely_ your fault."

"Huh? What's wrong, guys?" Luffy asked, still chowing down on the contents of the two plates.

"Allow me to introduce myself: I am Vice Admiral Jonathan, base commander of Navarone," Jonathan said with a small smile.

"Oh, cool," Luffy said.

"… _Three, two, one…"_

Luffy's eyes suddenly widened to comical levels, and his mouth dropped open. "You're the guy in charge? The guy that Cross is so scared of?"

" _Luffy? Consider the last person you met who had the rank of 'Vice Admiral' and tell me that I_ shouldn't _be scared,"_ Cross said dryly.

"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise. "He's met a Vice Admiral before? Who?"

" _Think_ very _hard about his family name."_

Jonathan needed only to think for a moment before opening his mouth in an 'ah' of understanding.

The pirate and Marine stared at each other in silence for a few seconds…

Until Jonathan grinned and broke the silence with a "Boo."

Luffy's reaction was actually… underwhelming, as he merely chuckled and continued eating. "I screwed up, huh? Sorry, guys!"

Several loud thuds that, judging from Jessica and Sanji's reactions, signified face-faults echoed across the connection.

" _YOU THINK THAT FIXES ANYTHING!?"_ a chorus of enraged voices roared.

"How is this utter moron the captain?" Jessica wondered.

"I can't honestly say I'm surprised considering what Cross said," Jonathan chuckled before slowly starting to stand up. "Now then, if you'd kindly finish eating…"

" _Uh, uh, uh…"_ Cross stammered uncontrollably as he fumbled for something, _anything_ to say before finally coming to a panicked conclusion. " _Uh, HEY! B-before we move to the inevitable fight, d-don't you still have a decision to make, Jonathan?"_

"Oh, I'm sure that can wait until these two are in the brig," the Vice Admiral said smoothly.

"Actually, dear, I do think putting them away can wait long enough for you to say which dish you liked better," Jessica replied coolly.

Silence for a few moments, and then Cross chuckled.

_"A lover's spat, hmm?"_ Something in the pirate's words made Jonathan's blood run cold. A feeling that only intensified at what he said next. " _Say, Jessica, quick question, what's the meal that you made for this contest?"_

"The Shepherd's Repast, or put simply, lamb chop and mixed vegetables. Why?" Jessica questioned without ever taking her eyes off of the pirates.

" _Well, then, everyone, I'd say that that's positive proof that Sanji is the better chef. After all, I saw that same dish in Jonathan's garbage bin last night."_

It was as though the room had been hit by a blizzard with how still and cold the atmosphere became. Then the two most skilled chefs on base slowly turned, glaring daggers at a paling Jonathan.

"You threw away the meal I made for you?" Jessica asked quietly.

"You dare to not only waste food, but food that this wonderful lady made for you, pouring her heart and soul into it?" Sanji growled, his fists steaming.

Jonathan began to sweat, his hands held in front of him. "N-Now, now, let's not be hasty—"

"Sanji, we'll have to continue this later. Right now, I need to kill my husband," Jessica said, giving the pirate chef a beatific smile.

"Oh, believe me, I understand, Lady Jessica," Sanji replied smoothly. "But may I suggest making him empty his bin and finish your lovely meal first? After all, we both know that you can't waste food."

"No, you certainly can't. _Excellent_ suggestion."

"…Well played, Cross…" Jonathan mumbled.

_"Jonathan, remember what I said earlier? Well, this_ _is gloating. No, actually,_ this _is gloating. Hey, Jessica, did you also know that he has a tendency to give the meals you spend so much time preparing to anyone who comes by to get out of eating them, and then order them to tell you that it was delicious?"_

Jonathan was now white as a ghost, which was all the confirmation the listeners needed. Jessica's resulting tone was as calm as a hurricane's eye. "Thank you for telling me that, Cross. Anything else to say?"

"Why, hello, miss," Isaiah smoothly interrupted as he landed in front of her, his wings spread wide. "Look to your man. Back at me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but with a good workover with, say," Isaiah held one of his talons out, which was carrying a _hefty_ looking frying pan, "a Nine Cast Iron, he could be honest like me."

Jessica blinked in surprise before smiling beatifically and accepting the cooking utensil. "Another excellent suggestion, thank you." She then directed her gaze at Jonathan, and her smiling face morphed into something straight out of a nightmare.

" _Yes, Isaiah, thank you, that's perfect._ _Take note, Jonathan, of weak spot number one:_ lying to your wife. _I trust you'll never make that mistake again. Now, Luffy, Sanji? As our crew's tactician, I'd say that now is the appropriate time for what we in the business call a 'strategic withdrawal'. Or, to put it simply… BOOK IT!"_

"Kick him a few times for me, Lady Jessica," Sanji requested before, dragging Luffy behind him, he hightailed it out of the room. A crowd of angry-looking chefs met him outside.

"Jessica just found out that Jonathan threw away a meal she made for him!" Sanji shouted in a convincingly panicked tone. Every Marine in earshot paled in utter terror for all of three seconds. After that, the kitchen, dining room, and hallway went from crowded to 100% _abandoned._

"Shishishi! Man, these guys are fast!" Luffy chuckled.

Sanji, for his part, was snapping his head left and right frantically. "Which way, Cross?"

" _This way!"_

"Right!" Luffy promptly started running down a corridor.

" _HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?"_

"Whoops, sorry!" the captain said as he pulled a 180.

Sanji groaned miserably as he ran to keep up with his captain. "Why, oh, _why_ does someone with that thick of a skull have to be _that_ charismatic!?"

" _Would we really follow him if he_ wasn't _Luffy?"_

The resultant silence and the smiles implied therein were answer enough. The moment didn't last long, however.

" _Uh, Cross? Are you there?"_

" _Wha—Conis? Are you—what's going on? Are you still in the infirmary?"_

**-o-**

"No, I'm not," she grunted in response, cursing under her breath as her uncooperative legs banged into another bucket. "I'm currently in a broom closet… somewhere."

" **Third corridor, fifth subsection, Gamma Quadrant."**

Conis and Su exchanged looks of surprise. "Damn, slimeball," the cloud fox whistled.

" _ **I have been listening to more**_ **CHATTER THAN I CARE** TO REMEMBER. _I THINK I_ KNOW THIS PLACE _**BETTER THAN**_ most of the soldiers who live here!"

" _Which is going to come in handy for getting out of here. But that aside, why_ _did you wander off and what are you doing?"_

"Staying on a cot in the medical wing seemed like a good way to get caught. I'm currently trying to change into a Marine uniform… and trying to get used to what the land is like down here."

"She's acting like even more of a klutz now than Pagaya," Su chuckled.

"Su—AGH!"

_CRASH!_

Conis waited for cleaning products to stop falling around her before lifting the edge of the bucket that was on her head with a sigh. "…Alright, I'll admit that I can't argue with that."

" _What do you mean you're trying to get used to the land?"_ Usopp asked curiously.

The Skypiean rapped her knuckles on the ground with a huff. "It appears that the Blue Sea's islands are a lot more stationary than those of the White-White Sea."

" _Wha—? What do you mean, the islands up there stay still too, don't they?"_ Nami asked.

"Of course they don't," Conis waved a hand casually as she started pulling herself to her feet using the nearby shelves. "They don't _drift_ , no, but they're still floating on the Cumuloregalis. I didn't have any problems on the Merry because all Skypieans get used to dealing with the minute swaying as they grow up; at this point, my sea legs are making my sense of balance _over-_ compensate for an imbalance that's no longer present."

" _Ugh… well, at least you're not drunk on oxygen anymore. So, what are you planning right now?"_

Conis slowly staggered her way over to a nearby coat hanger and took a Marine cap off of it, replacing her beret with the headwear and situating it in such a manner that her hair-antennae were hidden. "For now, I'm going to try my luck blending in as a janitor. Maybe walking on slick surfaces will help me keep my balance better."

" _Plus I imagine a mop can double as an excusable crutch, huh?"_ Cross questioned.

"That too," Conis nodded in acknowledgement as she slid on the rest of the janitor's uniform. "And I have to say, I like the way this uniform feels, very different from the outfits on Angel Island. Now, where—ah, that'll work. Su, you'll need to hide in here." The cloud fox looked at the duffle bag Conis was holding, and then _looked_ at her erstwhile master, a look that Conis returned.

"Su, they know that I have a Cloud Fox with me and they know we're in the base, so," she started raising her hand towards a metal can on a shelf. "Unless you'd prefer to adopt a more locally _traditional_ look—"

One blur of white later and the bag was zipped shut. "Knock my head against anything and there'll be hell to pay," came Su's muffled voice.

"I'll be as careful as I can be, Su," Conis assured her, picking up a bucket and mop before walking out the door. Two steps later, she was groaning facedown into the floor.

"Somehow, that doesn't reassure me," Su moaned.

**-o-**

The atmosphere in the Vice Admiral's office was… uncomfortable. Jonathan was eating a platter of vegetables, mostly broccoli, which had been liberated from his bin and cleaned, while nursing some large lumps on his skull. Meanwhile, his wife stood behind him with a very calm look on her face, and a large skillet in her hands. A bemused Drake, Henrick, and Cormac looked on as Jonathan finished his meal down to the last morsel on the plate before looking up at Jessica. And, of course, the two South Birds were back to being smug.

"I'm sorry, Jessica. The truth is that I really do love your cooking, but I've never been able to stomach the broccoli," Jonathan said apologetically. Jessica's lips tightened, as did her grip on the skillet, before she sighed.

"…Upsetting though that is, the fact that you never said anything is even _worse_ ," she said, emphasizing the last bit. "I was aware that you were less than partial to the broccoli and vegetables in general, but had you made it known that you disliked them to the extent that you would prefer throwing them away, I would have been willing to put in the necessary effort to change that. Did you think I couldn't take criticism on my food from someone who knows what they're talking about?"

Jonathan sighed. "Well, you do tend to be rather… sensitive about your cooking."

Jessica scoffed. "I'm not denying that I would have been upset, but preparing food to satisfy the clientele _is_ my job. Just be more honest in the future, and I'll do whatever I have to so that your meals are both healthy _and_ palatable."

Jonathan nodded appreciatively. "I won't let it happen again, Jessica. Complete honesty from now on."

"I do so love when a couple makes up like this," Terry said at a normal volume.

"As do I," Isaiah agreed.

"Good. Then you can start now: which dish did you like better?"

Jonathan stiffened briefly, but shook his head. "Sanji's. I had to resist the urge to take another bite of the broccoli, and that lamb chop was so tender and delicious…"

"Hmph," Jessica glowered before storming to the door. "Well, it seems I need to improve on my skills, then. I'll start by attempting to duplicate his dish. Meanwhile, I'll leave you to your meeting."

She opened the door and walked out of the office before looking back.

"Oh, and Jonathan? I think your posture has improved today."

As Jessica closed the door, the three officers in the room couldn't suppress snickers, while the two South Birds both posed even more smugly. That lasted all of ten seconds before Jonathan leveled a glare at them.

"If you're quite finished… _what is the progress on apprehending the Straw Hat Pirates?_ "

"N-None yet, sir," Henrick replied.

Jonathan tapped his fingers together. "Gentlemen, I like to think that I am usually a thoroughly reasonable man. Slow to anger, quick with a joke. However…" The Vice Admiral tapped a finger against a rather impressive goose-egg that was growing on his temple. "After being set upon by my own _wife,_ I find that a large percentage of my patience has been _exhausted_." The glare intensified, causing all three of his subordinates to flinch. "Locate and apprehend them before I lose the rest of it."

"SIR, YES, SIR!" the Marines snapped into a salute.

"Dismissed."

The Vice Admiral was silent as he watched his men file out of his office before heaving a weary sigh. "You are proving to be a most… _unique_ adversary, Mister Cross." He picked up a bishop from the chessboard on his desk and looked it over. "Are you sure I couldn't tempt you to play a game or two?"

" _Sorry,"_ Cross's clearly grinning voice apologized. " _But I only know the absolute basics and I've never won a game. You'd stomp me in ten moves or less."_

"Hmph." Jonathan set the piece down on a new square. "What a shame…" He stared at the board impassively for a few seconds before leaning forward and tenting his fingers on his desk. "So, tell me. What are your thoughts on Navarone?"

" _Well, weak spot number two is one we've found out rather personally: those patrols you send out? The fact that some of the weakest members of our crew have managed to disable more than we can count is proof that they're more ambush bait than anything. Either you up the quality or up the quantity, but right now they're not that effective, even if their routes are."_

"Hmm, a fair point," Jonathan conceded with a sigh. "So, what is their current status?"

" _Thoroughly humiliated but fine,"_ Cross replied. " _Like I said, we're not trying to kill anyone. Besides that, the only immediate issue that comes to mind is already resolved. I'm honestly surprised that you didn't have more faith in your wife."_

"Clearly, Cross, you've never had to deal with an angry significant other. But you're correct, that was…" Jonathan winced as a throb of pain echoed through his skull. "A mistake on my part."

" _Heh. So, yeah, not finding all that many weaknesses so far… but then again, this is the quiet stage of the game."_

"Well, we'll have to see if the game progresses beyond that. Out of curiosity, however, what happened to the real Marley brothers?"

" _ **Suffice to say that they're… indisposed, not far from the docks,**_ " said the mystery crewmate.

" _But feel free to let them free and lead them to the kitchen. After all, Jessica could use the excuse to blow off some steam on a pair of men so incompetent in the kitchen that peeling potatoes results in a bucket of scraps."_

_That_ made Jonathan grin. "Thank you for that advice, Cross."

" _My pleasure. Now, for the next stage, a key part of showing how strong the base is will come from showing how strong the brig is. After all, succeeding in pulling off a jailbreak would be… uh, Boss, you wanna finish that?"_

" _Gladly, Cross,"_ a voice that Jonathan could only assume to be one of the dugong's piped in. " _Ahem… to exfiltrate one's allies from unjust imprisonment in a nigh inescapable detention facility… is that not a truly bold Man's Romance!?"_

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_ a quartet of eager voices concurred.

" _Oh, and before I forget, Vice Admiral,"_ Boss continued in a more even tone. " _If you want that net trick to work, see about shoring up the bottom of the bay itself. It's_ way _too easy to dig through."_

"' _Easy', he says, psh…"_

The Vice Admiral couldn't help but chuckle at the enthusiasm. "My, my, it sounds like you have quite the characters on your crew."

" _Vice Admiral, allow me to be completely and utterly frank with you,"_ Cross said with the utmost seriousness. " _Compared to a lot of other crews out there in the world? I guarantee you that we are tame and_ sane."

"Before I attempt to contradict that statement, you do realize that in order to break someone out of the brig, someone has to be _in_ the brig first, right?"

Jonathan allowed himself a contented grin at the beautiful silence that followed.

"… _Hold that thought, Jonathan."_

**-o-**

"OK, so I've got two preferred choices here," I said, tapping my fingers together sheepishly. "I think our best options would be either Zoro or Usopp. What say you guys, either of you game?"

" _Denied,"_ chorused two flat voices.

"That's what I was afraid you'd say…" I hung my head with a weary sigh.

" _I regret to say that Miss Navigator and I are both undercover, so we're unavailable for that,"_ Robin said smugly.

" _Regret nothing, sucks to be you guys!"_ Nami cackled.

" _Witch."_

" _WATCH YOUR BLASPHEMOUS MOUTH, MARIMO!"_

"You can kick his ass later, Sanji!" I snapped. "Right now, we need to prioritize figuring out who gets captured, someway, _somehow, right the hell now!"_

" _Oh, oh,_ _ **I'LL DO IT!"**_ Soundbite waved his eyestalks eagerly. " **Am-stram-gram-gr** — _ **WHAT THE HELL!?"**_

"Huh?" I looked at the snail when he suddenly barked in panic. "What's u—?"

I was promptly cut off by Vivi's voice.

" _Hello. Lieutenant Commander Drake, I presume?"_

**-o-**

"Who—?" the Marine started to ask as he turned around before tensing as he identified the individual who'd tapped his shoulder.

Vivi smiled beatifically and waved. "Hello, I'm Princess Nefertari Vivi, a.k.a. 'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates, wanted for the price of ฿55 Million. I believe you've been looking for me?"

"Ah…" Drake hesitated as he tried to get his mind's gears to grind properly.

"Oh!" Vivi snapped her fingers in realization. "I _almost_ forgot!"

_THWACK!_

" _GYERGH!"_

The princess retracted her knee from between the Lieutenant Commander's legs, allowing him to collapse in agony.

Vivi knelt down over him, smile still in place. " _That_ was for accusing one of my dearest friends for having anything to do with the bastards who tried to rip my nation apart." She then clapped her hands and stood up with a bright smile. "Now, then!" She held her wrists out to the shell-shocked soldiers who'd been accompanying the Commander, causing them to flinch back in terror. "If one of you fine gentlemen would be so kind as to take me into custody, I'd _very_ much appreciate it."

**-o-**

I gaped at Soundbite in awe as I tried to process what the hell had just happened. "Well… that's one way to do it."

" _Pacifist my fluffy tail!"_ Su snorted.

" _I blame you animals for the corruption of my sweet princess!"_ Sanji moaned.

" _Said da' cook who can bweak ian with his feet…"_ Carue muttered.

" _Iron? Oh, no, that's not right. Sure, he can_ dent _iron, but breaking it? That honor belongs to the swordsmen,_ " said one of the dugongs, almost certainly Leo.

" _Ah, shadd—WA-AA-AA-AGH!"_ Carue's muttering suddenly swapped to an avian squawk of panic.

" _Do not resist arrest, duck,"_ Drake said sternly… before groaning. " _Arresting a giant duck…_ why _did it have to be the Straw Hats?"_

I couldn't help but laugh at that. And a few panicked squawks and reassurances from Vivi later, the two of them were being quietly escorted to the brig. "Alright, everyone, once Vivi's in place, we can organize the jailbreak pla—"

" **PRIORITY ONE!"** Soundbite suddenly squawked before adopting a calm visage and a calm smile.

" _Excuse me, I'm Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, and this is my escort. I believe that Jonathan is expecting me?"_ came Robin's voice.

" _Wha—A-ah, of course, ma'am,_ " Drake's voice said. " _I'll lead you to Jonathan's office. Men, escort these two to the brig."_

I winced slightly. "You two had better play your cards right, or you'll be joining Vivi."

" _That sounds reasonable, thank you,"_ Robin said.

**-o-**

"Ah, Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, I've been expecting you. And who is this?" Jonathan asked calmly.

"Captain Bellemere, sir," Nami said tightly. "I'm here as the Inspector's escort."

"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise as he looked Nami over. "I was unaware that the Inspector even had an escort."

"I prefer to keep my participation in these inspections as incognito as possible," Nami explained, keeping her voice cool and neutral all the while. "It gives shoddy bases less time to prepare so that we get the honest image from the get-go."

"Are you accusing G-8 of being incompetent?!" Drake demanded.

"She never said that," Robin replied with a raised hand. "Though I'm afraid that that doesn't change the facts of this investigation. The general sentiment at HQ is that, due to the lack of activity in the waters surrounding this base, the budget for the maintenance of Navarone is considered, quite frankly, to be something of a boondoggle."

Nami raised her eyebrows quizzically at the choice of words, but shrugged it off as Jonathan replied.

"I am aware of that, Inspector, but I think you'll find that a lack of action does not represent a lack of preparedness." He stood up and moved towards a corner of the room. "In fact, I've recently acquired enough liquid capital to ensure that Navarone will remain up and running for the next decade."

Nami and Robin followed his gaze. And the instant that the shimmering treasure caught her eye—

"THERE'S NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT WITH MY TREASURE!"

Silence greeted that shout for a second before Nami's mouth clicked shut in a pained grimace.

"I thought so. After all, you may have Bellemere's attitude, but I'd recognize that woman anywhere, and you're not her," Jonathan remarked, catching Nami off guard.

"You… you knew my mother?" Nami asked quietly.

Jonathan looked back at her in honest shock. "Your mother? Interesting. Yes, she was quite the strong Marine. Never took nonsense from anyone, always did things her own way, but she was nonetheless extremely formidable. We trained together, she was a good friend of mine, but then she led her squad on a dangerous mission in the East Blue against a criminal group. We were under the impression that there were no survivors," Jonathan finished solemnly.

Nami bowed her head. "Bellemere… she was close to death, but she found my older sister and I on the battlefield. She took us in and raised us as her daughters. We were poor, but we were a family…" Rage and sorrow mixed on her face. "Until Arlong came. She fought hard, she even had him dead to rights, but… in the end…" Nami hugged herself tightly. "She sacrificed herself to save us."

Jonathan bowed his head respectfully. "A hero to the very end. I'm sorry for your loss."

"I, for one, am disappointed." Drake crossed his arms with a scowl. "For someone with a retired Marine as a parent to wind up a pirate… you should be ashamed for so flagrantly dishonoring her memory."

It was a credit to the man's courage that he didn't even so much as flinch in response to the face-melting glare Nami pinned him with.

" _Lieutenant Commander Drake."_

But no amount of courage could prevent him from snapping to attention when Jonathan's harsh tone cracked the air like a whip.

Cold sweat ran down the officer's face as he _felt_ the Vice Admiral's glare bore into him. "The only person in this room who should be ashamed is _you,_ Drake. Apologize to the young lady."

"But, sir—!"

" _Now."_

Drake swallowed heavily before bending into a bow. "P-Please accept my apologies for my earlier rudeness, ma'am, I spoke without thinking."

Nami maintained her glare on Drake before letting out a harsh scoff. "Don't let it happen again." She then glanced back at Jonathan for a second before sighing. "Well, _this_ is the definition of ironic. I meet a Marine that actually knew my mother, and it's in a situation where I was _supposed_ to keep a low profile. This could have gone _so_ much better, in more ways than one."

" _The first step is admitting that you have a problem,"_ Cross stated innocently.

"I will let Chopper give me therapy when you agree to do the same for your addiction to adrenaline," Nami said, crossing her arms.

" _NEVER!"_

"Then it would seem that we are at an impasse."

Jonathan chuckled at the exchange before coughing and readopting his half-bored, half-serious expression. "I regret this as well, Nami. Under better circumstances, I wouldn't mind sharing a few stories about Bellemere over drinks. I do hope you understand, this is simply business."

Nami frowned, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, I do understand that." She paused, a malevolent smile coming over her face. "And on that note, there _is_ a significant bright side to you figuring it out…"

"Um, what are you—?" Jonathan asked nervously.

"You see, respectable Marine though you've proven that you are, you're still the man that invaded my private space and stole my precious treasure," she said, reminding Jonathan so much of an angry Jessica that he found himself instinctively freezing up as she approached him. "I had to restrain myself from hurting you to keep my cover intact, you understand that, right? But now that you know the truth, I'm perfectly free to do THIS!"

_CRUNCH!_

The few Marines gathered winced in sympathy, except for Drake. He, along with Robin, was smirking.

"Ow…" Jonathan winced as he fiddled with his broken nose. "Alright… I'm man enough to admit that I had that coming."

"You think _that's_ all I'm going to do to you?"

Jonathan paled in terror when Nami jerked him by his collar so that he was staring straight into her positively _evil_ grin.

"Let me assure you, Mister Vice Admiral… _we've only just begun."_

"Ah, D-Drake?"

"… Honestly, sir? It's my professional opinion that we can hold off on arresting her until she's finished," Drake mused. "For the safety of our men, you understand."

"Drake, you traitor," Jonathan whimpered.

"It's nothing personal, sir, I assure you." Drake slowly let a predatory grin slip across his face. "Actually… it really is. Consider this catharsis for all the years of smartassery you've subjected me to."

"Besides," Isaiah cut in. "You know what they say about women scorned. Your subordinate is showing very good sense in not getting in her way." He paused in thought. "In fact, perhaps we should leave and not expose our manly visages to such… cruelty."

"GOODBYE!" Terry yelled in agreement, flapping outside of the office alongside his companion and positioning themselves so that the didn't have to look into the office.

"Thank you _very_ much, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Isaiah, Terry," Nami purred before snapping a leer at the Vice Admiral. "Now then, Jonathan, if you would kindly?" The navigator swung her fist back. " _Grit your teeth."_

**-o-**

All activity in the kitchen slowly came to a halt as the unmistakable sound of their commander being assaulted echoed around them. Jessica wasn't even able to reprimand them, caught up as she was in listening to it.

" _I WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE TO INTOXICATE THAT SNAKE SO I COULD SALVAGE ALL OF THAT GOLD, AFTER WATCHING AN AMOUNT AS BIG AS THIS FORTRESS LITERALLY_ FLY AWAY! _HOW DARE YOU STEAL IT FROM ME?!"_

"… Well, I suppose I don't need to be angry at him anymore. This is punishment enough," Jessica mused.

**-o-**

On the surface of the base's bay, five dugongs were cringing in sympathy and horror in response to the beatdown they heard.

"…Boys? I've decided that I don't need to raise my disciplinary measures, as I have absolutely no chance of being as good at punishment as she is."

The four younger dugongs all sighed in relief.

"So, I'll just have to make sure that if any of you do something too stupid, _she_ takes care of the discipline."

The martial artist amphibian cocked an eyebrow as his students flopped onto their backs, foam bubbling from their mouths.

"Note to self: focus on training their wills from now on."

**-o-**

" _Urp…_ oh— _hurk—_ I'm sorry about this— _blugh_ —Doctor Chopper," moaned Kobato around the bile with which she was filling the infirmary's toilet.

"Don't worry about it, Doctor Kobato," Chopper sighed in resignation, the audio of Nami's rage echoing in both of their ears as he held Kobato steady. "Believe me, this is an _entirely_ normal reaction to hearing this."

"Oh, that's— _ough_ —good to hear."

**-o-**

Elsewhere in the base, two of the Straw Hats were doing a very good job at epitomizing the crew's standard insanity. How? Because in response to Nami's rage, the chef was having mood swings—

" _NAMI-SWAN IS SO GORGEOUS WHEN SHE'S ANGRY—_ but this time, I think the rage is just too much— _BUT SHE'S SO WONDERFULLY BRUTAL—_ but is it too much? I'm scared— _BUT IT'S STILL NAMI-SWAN!_ "

—and Luffy was rolling on the ground laughing his rubber head off in response to Sanji's antics. No Marines were around, but if they were, odds were that they would be far too bemused to do anything about them.

**-o-**

"The witch really _has_ been holding out on us," Zoro muttered, currently in the middle of a large metal slab with the G-8 logo embedded in it, on one side of which was a large stone spire and the other was what appeared to be the open ocean.

"Huh. Looks like the lake here is bigger than I thought," he remarked before walking on.

**-o-**

Jonathan was a Vice Admiral, renowned for being extremely formidable in battle, capable of taking down an army singlehandedly.

Jonathan was a genius, capable of outsmarting one of the most ruthless, powerful, and fanatical Marines in the Navy and treated any challenge as though it were a simple game of chess.

Jonathan was currently nursing enough injuries from a rookie pirate—who wasn't even the captain!—that nobody was likely to believe either of those.

And meanwhile, Nami was standing over him, huffing and puffing at him with an expression that was just now ceasing to be demonic. "Now, with that done… _MY GOLD!"_

The non-Marine shed her coat and sped over to the pile of gold in the room, hugging and kissing it as if it were her lost child.

"Oh, my dearly beloved gold! Did the mean Marines damage you at all? Don't worry, Mommy's here now, I'll take good—"

_THWACK!_

"Ugh…" Nami moaned as a chop to her neck knocked her out, laying her out flat at the feet of a grimacing Inspector.

"That was very quickly becoming disturbing. _Please_ get her out of here," Robin said sourly.

Drake shivered slightly at the inspector's expression before nodding in agreement. "Understood." He popped a salute off at Jonathan. "By your leave, sir!" And with that, he foisted Nami onto his shoulder and marched out of the office.

Once the door was shut, Jonathan gave 'Inspector Shepherd' a bland look. "Well, now, _that_ was certainly harsh. To your own crewmate, no less?"

Robin sighed fondly as she slid her glasses off and graced the Vice Admiral with a light smile. "Miss…" Robin paused for a moment before her smile became more… natural. "Nami is like a little sister to me, and while her antics and habits can be amusing at times, there are also moments when she needs to be restrained to a certain degree, if only for the sake of her own dignity."

"Heh, I believe I might know the sentiment," Jonathan nodded in agreement. "I respect and care for my men like none other, but they do so love to make fools of themselves at times. I can only imagine where they'd be without me."

"I do believe that I know how you feel, Mister Vice Admiral."

" _Hey, I resent those implications!"_ Cross protested.

" _ **Don't you MEAN**_ _RESEMBLE?"_ Soundbite cackled.

" _Ah, shut it. But, ah… moving on… Jonathan, if you've already made Robin, then why isn't she in seastone cuffs? Not that I'm complaining… much…"_

"And I thought we were getting along _so_ well…" Robin mock-pouted.

" _You almost let me get dissected within 24 hours of you joining the crew."_

"And here I thought that time was supposed to heal all wounds."

"For the sake of my marriage, I hope it does…" Jonathan muttered before raising his voice. "And to answer your question, Cross, while you might be willing to cheat without mercy—"

" _Pi~rate~!"_

" _I_ am still a man of my word. While I myself might have managed to identify Nico Robin, none of my subordinates did, and there are still several hours to go before I can directly accelerate your captures. Until then, her identity is safe with me. But out of morbid curiosity… what happened to the real Shepherd?"

When Cross told him, Jonathan laughed. When Soundbite told him how many grunts had discovered the inspector, Jonathan fell off his chair.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, I needed that," Jonathan chuckled as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Well, I suppose you should be going, but before you do, if I might make one request?"

"Oh?" Robin gave the Vice Admiral a curious look. "And that would be?"

Jonathan slid his chessboard to the middle of his desk with a pleading look. "One game? Please?"

Robin paused contemplatively. "Well…"

" _Oh, go on and enjoy yourself,"_ Cross prompted in a careless tone. " _I'll need time to plan this out anyways and get everyone in place, so you've got time to spare. Oh, and Jonathan? If it's not clear already, allow me to point out weak spot number three. I mean, it's perfectly understandable, but freezing up when confronted with angry women is not conducive to long-term survival, not least because of how many female pirate captains there are out there."_

"Noted, Cross," Jonathan said dryly, though he actually did note something down on a piece of paper at his desk before concentrating on the board. "Now then, white to you, Miss Robin."

Robin grinned, a hint of competitive menace entering her expression as she began to play. "The middle of a life-or-death situation, and I find myself playing a friendly game of chess with the person responsible for every bit of danger in that situation." She slowly shook her head in awe. "I can't deny it anymore. I _love_ being a Straw Hat Pirate."

**-o-**

"…You actually spoke to her?" Mekao breathed, too taken with the pirate's story to consider anything in the vein of apprehending him.

"Yeah," Usopp confirmed quietly, running a longing hand over Merry's neck brace. "She talked about how much she wanted to stay with us, and we plan to do everything we can to make sure that it happens. But…" He let out a rueful—and slightly miserable—chuckle. "She gave me a real attitude check, too. I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I found out I had to let go without her telling me to." He shuddered in horror. "And I'm not really sure I want to either, for that matter…" The sniper was somber for a moment before hastily rallying and making an attempt to smirk. "But I have to admit, I think what surprised me most was how colorful her vocabulary is."

"HA!" Mekao cackled. "The legends of Klabautermanns never touched much on that, focusing more on the fact that any ship that went to that much trouble was showing nothing but love and gratitude." The monkey-like shipwright grinned wryly. "But I will admit there have been the odd whispers here and there, usually dismissed because of how beautiful the story is, about _other_ sailors hearing somebody cussing them out whenever they screw up in a particularly spectacular manner. Though then again, I suppose it only makes sense, doesn't it?" He looked around the Merry with a smile. "Like sailor, like ship. It's just that simple."

Usopp chuckled ruefully. "Yeah, I guess I was expecting her to be a lot more like her old mistress, but really, she's still just as kind and wonderful as I was expecting."

Mekao's grin only grew wider. "As I said, kid. I honestly think that you and yours only have yourselves to thank for that. You're no shipwright, that much is obvious…" He knocked his knuckles against the metal plates bolted onto the caravel. "But the love you've shown to this vessel is more than most people who _are_ shipwrights ever give to a dinghy, including most everyone in this base. If that Klabautermann ever manifests again, do me a favor and put her on the SBS to talk about that."

Usopp matched Mekao's grin tooth for tooth. "Can do, old man."

"That's him, Lieutenant Cormac."

Both men turned to see a man with dark hair in a style much like Usopp's leading the sunglasses-wearing Marine towards the ship, a dozen or two grunts following him. Usopp's curiosity quickly turned to nervousness when the dark-haired Marine pointed to him.

"Thank you, Chief Petty Officer," Cormac said before looking at the old man. "I see you have a new friend, Mekao. One who I don't recognize. Care to… introduce him?"

"Eh?" Mekao practically shouted, one hand held up to cup his ear. "What was that?"

Cormac frowned. "I said," he repeated, slightly louder. "Who is your new friend, Mekao?"

"Whose yurt is it?" Mekao shouted, glancing around in exaggerated confusion. "I don't see any yurt."

Cormac's eyebrow twitched. "You pulled that same trick a week ago when I tried to talk to you about the shipwright's budget, pull the other one."

Mekao blinked, then gave an exaggerated twitch as he clutched his hip. "Oh, my hip!" he howled, sinking to his knees. "I think it's broken!"

"And you used that one last month when I tried to talk to you about your hiring practices."

Usopp watched the display in confusion for a bit before noticing Mekao's finger jabbing at the air behind his back. It took him a second, but soon enough he grinned and slowly attempted to creep away, thanking his lucky stars for the old man's creativity.

He'd _almost_ made it to the other edge of the Merry too…

"Going somewhere?"

"ACK!"

When he practically jumped out of his skin on account of one Chief Petty Officer Holger grabbing his shoulder.

"—and that one was used three days ago when—Oh, good job, Holger."

Mekao's fake wince became genuine as he saw that their attention had turned to Usopp, whose twitching and sweating were making his attempts to look inconspicuous fail miserably.

"I-I-Is anything wrong—?" Usopp's brain stalled as he tried to conjure what rank the man's uniform could possibly denote.

Thankfully, where his memory failed, Soundbite came through. " _ **Lieutenant Cormac."**_

"L-Lieutenant?" the sniper stammered while barely missing a beat.

Cormac looked Usopp up and down. "I've never seen you on base before, soldier. What's your name and squad?"

" _Use one of the Usopp Pirates' names!"_ Cross said hastily.

" **Division 18,** _ **SUPPLY SQUAD**_ ," Soundbite added. " _ **Snipers are too**_ _REGULATED,_ SUPPLIES LESS SO."

Usopp swallowed heavily before straightening up into a salute. "S-Seaman Apprentice Pepper, D-Division 18. I-I was just curious about the pirates' arsenal, and Mekao here was telling me some incredible legends about ships," he said, growing more confident as he went on.

"Division 18? Isn't that the sniper division?" Cormac asked.

"H-Heh, I wish, I am something of a marksman," Usopp chuckled sheepishly as he scratched a finger beneath his nose. "N-No, it's just the supply division, not nearly as exciting… and not nearly as easy to stand out, either."

"Hmm…" Cormac started to hum, exchanging glances with Henrick.

Feeling the pressure start to come off him, Usopp slowly started straightening up and allowed himself to grin—

" _Usopp, if you're starting to feel like you're in the clear,_ don't."

Before freezing as Cross hissed in his ear.

" _That's your primary tell, Usopp. You can make lies up on the fly easy, sure, but whenever you think someone's bought them, you start acting cocky and high and mighty. In case you've forgotten, you're supposed to be a soldier suspected of being a pirate. Scared shitless is the_ very _appropriate emotion; you start acting like you've gotten away with it, you_ will _be made!"_

That particular bit of information guaranteed that Usopp didn't have to fake the nervousness that he redisplayed in place of his grin, his trembling redoubling as he maintained his salute, then re-tripling when Cormac stepped up before him.

"My apologies, Seaman Apprentice, it seems I was mistaken," Cormac said with an apologetic grin. "If you'll just state the password that you should have received from Lieutenant Commander Drake, you can go."

"P-P-Password? I… oh, yeah, o-of course!" Usopp scratched the back of his head with a chuckle. "Sorry, it's just that no one's asked me about it in awhile, just lemme, ah…"

"Marineford _**TANGO**_ _EN… IES…_ _**wait a second…**_ "

"Uhh… o-oh, now I remember it!" Usopp stuck his finger up eagerly.

" **NO, WAIT!** _IT'S A—!"_

"Marine Tango Enies… right?" Usopp grinned hopefully.

"… _ **trap,"**_ Soundbite finished lamely for all the dock to hear as Cormac and Holger grinned triumphantly, prompting Usopp to break into a cold sweat. "DAMN IT."

"W-W-What are you—!?" Usopp started to stammer out.

" _Soundbite, what are you saying!?"_ Cross finished for him.

The sound of grinding teeth filled the air. " _ **I didn't notice until**_ **USOPP SAID IT,** but _NO ONE_ **has been using that** _ **PASSWORD!**_ SHOULDA FIGURED it was too easy. _**JONATHAN PLAYED US!"**_

"Give the snail a prize," Cormac said smugly. "The real password was that there _was_ no password. If you'd expressed ignorance of its existence, I might have even let you go free."

"As it is, however," Holger unfastened a pair of handcuffs from his belt and held them open. "You'll be coming with us. And don't try resisting, we all know it wouldn't do any good."

Usopp swallowed heavily and shakily started to raise his wrists in defeat…

" _ **WAIT!"**_

When Soundbite's voice cracked through the air.

"Son of a— _what?"_ Cormac snapped irritably.

" **A quick question** _FOR HOLGER!"_ Soundbite pleaded. " _ **Any chance you might**_ **BE FROM A TOWN IN** the East Blue called SYRUP VILLAGE?"

Holger blinked in confusion while Usopp gaped at the air in horror and outrage. "Wha—No, I'm from the South Blue. Why, what does that have to do with anything?"

" **OH, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,"** Soundbite scoffed, his tone _screaming_ of a shit-eating grin. " **I just needed to** _ **distract you dipshits**_ _FOR THE TEN SECONDS BOSS NEEDED_ TO GET THERE! _**NOW!"**_

A loud splash sounded from beside the Merry as Boss leaped out of the water, snapping his weapon out and lashing the rope around Usopp's waist.

Looking back, the Marines couldn't be sure whether the sniper had attempted to run towards them or away from them. As it was, however, they only had an instant to observe the scene before the dugong spun in the air, winding in the rope and reeling in Usopp before disappearing back beneath the water.

**-o-**

I sighed in relief as I heard that Usopp had managed to get away, and indignant though he was, better for us to have as many people outside of the brig to deal with the jailbreak.

"So, let's see…" I said, scanning over the base from the treetops. "Sixteen crewmates outside the brig. Conis, Su, Chopper, and Robin are all in disguises that nobody who'll expose them have seen through. The Dugongs and Usopp are hiding out in the moat, Sanji and Luffy are in the forest, Lassoo and Zoro are somewhere in the base, and of course, the communications officers are communicating from right here."

" _Actually, Lassoo found his way over to me,"_ Conis said. " _I've got him hidden in the supply closet for now, but I'm ready to get him as soon as you say the word."_

" _And_ _ **Zoro**_ **is RIGHT BEHIND** _SANJI,"_ Soundbite added.

" _WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, SWIRLYBROW/MOSSHEAD!?"_

I pinched the bridge of my nose as yet another fight began. "Alright… Usopp, what's your current status?"

"… _Honestly better than I expected,"_ Usopp said in mild surprise. " _I guess I've just got too many bad memories of Luffy's reach to be upset when it actually went well this time. But, uh, besides that, we're at the outer ring of the base, and I'm climbing up back into the forest, right near that giant bridge that they've got."_

"Ah right, the brid—" I cut myself off with a smirk. "… Guys? I just figured out weak spot number four, and showing it off to Jonathan will be _spectacular."_

" _I like the sound of that. So, what's the plan?"_ Vivi asked.

"For now, we wait until Robin's done playing chess with Jonathan. At that point… everyone be ready to move. Sorry, Vivi, that means you're going to have to wait a while."

" _Don't worry, Cross, they didn't even bind my hands. I can handle being in a cell,"_ Vivi said calmly.

**AFTERNOON**

**-18 Hours Remain-**

Vivi and Nami both twitched irately as they glared bloody murder at nothing.

"Soundbite, you are one of my dearest friends and most of the time I find your antics to be quite amusing…" Vivi grit out as she dragged her nails down the side of her head before throwing her head back and screaming furiously. "BUT SO HELP ME ANUBIS, IF YOU DON'T STOP PLAYING THE FUCKING HARMONICA, I WILL RIP THE EYESTALKS FROM YOUR SCRAWNY BODY AND _FEED THEM TO YOU!"_

The _very_ repetitive melody promptly ceased, and Vivi stood tall for a few seconds in order to assure that the music was indeed gone before allowing herself to slump forwards with a sigh of relief, trudging over to lean against Carue's snoring mass.

Nami rolled her eyes and started counting down in her head as glorious silence stretched on, stuffing her fingers in her ears. "And in three, two, one…"

Vivi, for her part, allowed her eyes to slowly drift shut…

Before snapping them open in all their vein-filled fury when an electric guitar started strumming.

" _ **The warden threw a party in the county jail! The prison band was there and they began to wail!"**_

"Called it," Nami hung her head with a sigh.

" _RAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

Lieutenant Commander Drake and every single Marine that had been assigned to guard duty over the brig were giving their sole occupied cage a very, very wide berth. Ostensibly, they were assembled for an ambush. In reality, it was in no small part because they wanted to be as far away as humanly possible from the Straw Hats' demonic navigator and furious princess.

"I guess she couldn't handle being in a cell after all," muttered one Marine.

"QUIET!" hissed several others.

"Hey, she's locked up, what can she do about it?"

"It's not _her_ we're worried about," Drake said, checking for the umpteenth time that his ear protectors were secure. "Remember, men: the only reason we have her in custody was because she _surrendered_ herself for the express purpose of allowing the opportunity for a jailbreak in the first place. And considering what we've seen so far, we can expect the Straw Hats to know that we're ready to ambush them, so keep your eyes peeled for any signs of subterfuge they might try and employ."

Drake acknowledged the nods of his men and prepared to settle in for a wait…

"Actually…"

When a familiar voice prompted him to whip around. He then paled in terror when he came face-to-face with none other than Straw Hat Luffy, who was grinning as he knocked his knuckles together, Pirate Hunter Zoro, who was tying a bandanna around his forehead, and a blonde-haired man who he could only assume was their chef, Sanji.

Said chef lit a cigarette and took a drag before sighing out a cloud of smoke. "Cross decided that in this particular instance, a hammer would be just as effective a tool as a scalpel." Sanji smirked sadistically. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

"… _Why_ did it have to be the Straw Hats?" Drake moaned again.

The Marines tried to stop them. They really did. But without the sea prism stone bazookas, they had no way of combating the Monster Trio effectively in such close quarters. It was less than five minutes before the Marines, one and all, were unconscious.

" _ **People falling left and right, it's a slaughter, not a fight!"**_ Soundbite cheered.

"Good work, you three. Drake should have the keys to the cage," Vivi said.

"AH, MY DEAR SWEET VIVI! DID YOU SEE HOW I FOUGHT FOR YOU?"

"Yes, Sanji, we both did. We also got a decent bit of blowback from it," Nami grumbled as she picked a tooth from her hair. "Now, can you _please_ get us out of here?"

"Not the easy way. Looks like the keys took a direct hit from Luffy or the cook," Zoro deadpanned, holding up a twisted mass of metal.

"Oh, _just_ from us, hm?" Sanji deadpanned as he held up two halves of what were once a whole key.

"Shishishi, you two are idiots," Luffy chuckled from atop the pile of KO'd bodies he was perched on.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

Luffy just laughed more, and Nami ground her palm into her face. "Zoro, cut the cage open so I can strangle him."

Zoro rolled his eyes at the order, but nonetheless stepped up, sheathing two of his swords and leaving only the Wado Ichimonji. The two girls and Carue stepped back to give Zoro room, and the swordsman closed his eyes, concentrated… and slashed out.

The bars remained intact, and the swordsman grimaced. "Damn it, are these things made of _diamond_ or something?" he groused.

" _Close, Zoro,"_ came Cross' voice. " _They're made of sea prism stone, which is supposed to be just as hard."_

"And you didn't tell him that first because…?" Nami demanded.

" _Because I hoped that if he didn't know he couldn't do it, he might be able to do it,"_ Cross admitted.

"… That's either brilliant or stupid," Sanji remarked. "Which means that the mosshead should have been able to do it either way."

"Oh, oh, I've got something!" Luffy piped up before a fight could start. Looking back at him revealed that he was wearing a steel gauntlet on his right arm. "Usopp passed on Cross' new Impact Gauntlet earlier, and told me to fill it up and test it out. So I hit it with, uh… ten Bazookas? Maybe twenty?"

" _That much power concentrated in a shock wave? Hmm… well, it should work on the hinges, if nothing else."_

Grinning, Luffy, moved over to the door, prompting the three inhabitants of the cage to move to the opposite end of it. Luffy placed the gauntlet at the edge of the door…

"Aaand IMPACT!"

The good news was that that much force compressed into an Impact Dial struck at the weak spot was indeed enough to blow the door off of its hinges. And the bad news?

"Owww, that really stings!" Luffy whined as he waved his arm out, the shattered pieces of the gauntlet flying off in the process. Vivi, Carue, and a nonplussed Nami exited.

"Geez, I knew the blowback from Impact Dials hurt, but I thought _Luffy_ would be able to take it, for his rubber body if not his strength," the navigator observed.

" _That makes two of us,"_ snarled Cross. " _Freaking hell, Usopp, you were going to let me use that thing?! If it could hurt Luffy, it would have blown my arm clean off!"_

" _T-That wasn't the final product, that was just a prototype!"_ Usopp desperately protested. " _That's why I gave it to Luffy, to see if there were any bugs!"_

" _Well, I'd say there are a few left, wouldn't you!? Tsk…"_ Cross could be heard grinding his teeth before sighing heavily. " _We will talk about this later. For now, here's the plan; until everyone else gets in position, the rescue team needs to stay in the central spire. Keep running around, break down any obstacles in your way, living or not; until I give the word to head for the bridge, just keep raising chaos. Once I do, however, make tracks for it like there's no tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take full advantage of how much Soundbite likes to prank Usopp by planning out some… call it karma."_

The subtle static in the air faded, and the rest of the crew exchanged glances.

"Should we worry about Cross killing Usopp?" Zoro wondered idly.

"I suppose I'll have to ask Chopper if it's possible to die of fright," Sanji mused. "Anyway, in the meantime, Mosshead and Luffy should enjoy this part of the plan."

"Heh. I'm not even insulted this time, dartboard, this is going to be _fun,_ " the swordsman said, grinning ferally.

"Alright! Let's go!" Luffy cheered.

**-o-**

Seaman James Hyde gripped his rifle a little tighter, marching in the center of a tight ball of Marines as they followed Ensign Henrick towards where they were pretty sure the Straw Hat Pirates were. The rest of his fellows seemed to believe they would just sweep away the Straw Hats by sheer force of numbers, but he knew better. A bunch of grunts with rifles seemed just… pitifully inadequate.

The ad-hoc battalion turned a corner, only to nearly collide with a Marine running the other way.

"Identify yourself, Marine!" Ensign Henrick barked.

"Screw that!" the Marine spat. "I'm getting out of here! The Straw Hats are bustin' through the walls!" And with that, he continued his flight, running around the reinforcements.

Ensign Henrick stared for a second, then shook his head and swung his hand forward, indicating that they should continue onward. They barely made it two steps before spotting another three Marines sprinting headlong in their direction.

"Soldiers, report! Where are the Straw Hats?" Ensign Henrick barked again.

Hyde couldn't help but notice that all three were shaking like leaves in a hurricane as they halted. Considering that, their answers were surprisingly coherent.

"They're demolishing the cell blocks!"

"No, no, they're heading for the Vice Admiral's office!"

"Nah, I heard Straw Hat Luffy himself say they needed to go to the mess!"

If still singularly unhelpful.

Hyde could see Ensign Henrick frown, and open his mouth—and then all three Marines started looking around, their heads practically on swivels.

"T-They're coming," one of them stammered. "THEY'RE COMING!"

Screaming, the three Marines returned to their flight. And while most of the battalion started muttering to themselves, Hyde noticed a slight cracking sound. A sound coming from _above_ them. Slowly, and with great trepidation, he looked up, to where a spiderweb of cracks was spreading across the ceiling.

"Above!" he shouted, just in time for the ceiling to… basically announce that it identified more as a dust cloud rather than any sort of solid object. The massive burst of dust and rubble sent the battalion into a fit of coughing and stumbling, even Ensign Henrick. As such, none were prepared when two razor-sharp attacks left as many Marines bleeding on the floor.

Hyde gulped as Pirate Hunter Zoro and Corsair Princess Vivi stepped out of the cloud, their weapons clutched in their hands. The Pirate Hunter's eyes gazed out from underneath his bandanna, piercing through all they fell on. And the Corsair Princess… well, she wasn't glaring at anyone, but the cold impassiveness of her expression was still somehow just as scary.

**-o-**

"You sure are being ruthless for someone who hates hurting people," Zoro grunted.

The princess sighed as she stepped through the Marines, idly spinning her Cutter at her side. "I think I demonstrated when I met you that I was willing to do whatever I had to if it meant keeping harm from coming to my home. And considering my current state in regards to Alabasta, my home is with our crew." She shook her head with a sigh. "I hope I'll never start enjoying fighting, but I won't deny that I'm growing more comfortable with doing what needs to be done."

"Hn."

**-o-**

Quaking, Hyde raised his musket to fire at the two. He had to do _something,_ after all. His pride as a Marine demanded it! He pulled the trigger, the musket fired—and then a black mass got in the way, fire blazing in its eyes.

"DENIED!"

One black limb lashed out, and then the Marine knew no more.

**-o-**

Both Vivi and Zoro sweatdropped as Sanji tore through the Marines like a combine harvester through a wheat field.

"I'm not the only one who thinks this is a bit of an overreaction, right?" Vivi wondered, idly kicking her leg back. The action was shortly followed by the loud thump of a body hitting the floor.

" _This? Oh, no, you didn't see him when the Ordeal of Iron tagged Conis,_ " Cross said from nowhere. "That _made him so angry that he both spontaneously combusted_ and _learned how to_ fly _for the express purpose of helping him try and reduce that bastard Ohm to a pile of ash."_

The two blade-wielders exchanged looks, shrugged, and proceeded after Sanji.

"Monsters," Nami droned, peeking out from behind a corner alongside Carue. "They're all monsters."

"Said da wightning-fwinging navigatah to dah supah-sonic man-sized tawking duck," said duck deadpanned.

Suddenly, every single one of the Straw Hats present stiffened as they realized something.

"Wait, where's Luffy?!"

**-o-**

" **About two floors above** **you** _and ten metres ahead,"_ Soundbite snickered, grinning from ear to ear. "HE'S PULLING _**the same stunt he used**_ **BACK IN** _ **ALABASTA**_ **with** _CROSS!_ HUMAN FLAIL!"

Despite my… _mixed feelings_ about that particular memory, I couldn't help but snicker. "Alright, so they're doing good at raising pandemonium. Let's check back in with Jonathan and confirm just how many reinforcements we've got on the way, shall we?"

" _ROGER!"_ Soundbite concentrated for a second before suddenly turning bright red.

"What the—?" I jumped in shock.

" _ **HOOOOOT!"**_ the snail yowled, flailing miserably as a cloud of steam rocketed from his mouth.

" _WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE AND YA BETTER FEAR IT!"_ came a drill sergeant-like voice.

" _ **WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE AND YA BETTER FEAR IT!"**_ echoed a chorus of masculine voices.

" _OR YOU'RE GONNA TASTE OUR FIERY SPIRIT!"_

" _ **OR YOU'RE GONNA TASTE OUR FIERY SPIRIT!"**_

"Oh, right, _these_ lunatics," I coughed as I tried to wave the steam out of my face. Freaking hell, what were they trying to do, _smoke_ us to death!?

" _Hmph. Aye-aye, sir. Subdue the pirates. Are you sure you wouldn't like to change the orders to shoot on sight?"_

" _ **WE'LL SMASH YOUR BAGS AND EAT YOUR GUNS!"**_

" _WE'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE—!"_

" _Y-Yes, I'm sure. Well, good luck!"_ came Jonathan's voice, sounding rather perturbed, followed closely by the click of a Transponder Snail's receiver.

Soundbite promptly sagged, wheezing miserably as he let his tongue loll out. "YOU… _fight… DIRTY…"_

" _I believe that there's been some mention of Marines bending the rules on the SBS in the pursuit of Justice, no?"_ Jonathan shot back casually. " _And really, if we were scoring based upon cheating, you would have won long before now by grace of the slaughter rule. Consider this simply… evening the playing field."_

I exhaled before carefully climbing down the tree and ultimately jumping off once I was low enough. As soon as my feet touched the earth, I started moving towards the massive bridge that was easily visible. "Well, then, I suppose we'll have to do the same, won't we? May the best cheaters win!"

**-o-**

Inside the spire, Nami was panting and leaning against a wall as she tried to catch her breath. "This… pace… is… _insane…"_ she bit out before glaring up at the air. "And I'm pretty sure we've got half of the base's roster in here to boot! Can we _please_ get out of here now?"

Before Cross could answer, Luffy did the honors by running back around the corner he'd turned on his own, waving his arms eagerly. "Hey, guys, I found a way out to this cool bridge with a buncha funny guys standing on it! Wanna check it out?"

"… _eh, screw it. Everyone's in position; if it's not happening now, then it's not happening period! Alright, team, break for the bridge!"_

"WOOHOO!" Luffy whooped, heading back the way he came.

Nami rolled her eyes before jogging after him. "Should we be worried about the 'funny guys' Luffy saw?"

" _Maybe, if it weren't for a nasty surprise that I've arranged for them that they're going to find out shortly,"_ Cross chuckled maliciously.

"Well, if you say so…" Nami muttered as she followed the rest of the crew, and promptly froze in wide-eyed horror when she came in sight of the bridge and its occupants.

Its huge, pumped up, supremely _sweaty_ occupants. One, who looked particularly red, stepped up to the front and cleared his throat.

"Please allow us to introduce ourselves," he said gruffly. "We're the legendary unit 55, and no pirates will ever cross this bridge on our watch!"

"Do you realize how many times we've crossed this bridge since we got here?" Nami deadpanned.

"Apparently, they were off the clock at the time!"

Attention was diverted to the other end of the bridge, where Cross was fast-roping down the cliff-face before unlatching from the rope once he was a few feet above the ground.

" **Long live the** _action-movie ENTRY!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Either way," Cross continued with a careless grin. "It doesn't really matter. They can't stop us."

The red-faced Marine honestly took that better than expected. "I'm gonna make you eat those words, pirate!" he shouted, hunching over and flexing every muscle in his arms. "WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE, AND YA— _GRK!"_

While the other Marines looked on in horror, the watching Straw Hats slowly matched Cross' grin as they took in the sight of what made the Marine stop speaking: an arm blooming around his neck, and putting him in a chokehold. Despite how formidable the man appeared, he went down in only a few seconds.

"As expected." The other Marines' horrified gazes snapped away from their comrade when a smug feminine voice sounded from somewhere among the Squad. "Maintaining their hot-bloodedness takes so much oxygen that they can't handle being cut off for more than a few seconds. A rather glaring weak spot, don't you think?"

"M-Major Shepherd?" asked one Marine pleadingly.

"Sorry, boys, but I have to get back to my crew now," Robin purred as she slid her sunglasses off and tossed away her jacket, causing the Marines to tense in panic. "It's been a pleasure tricking you, gentlemen. As they say in the North Blue…" Robin crossed her arms, causing phantom limbs to sprout from the shoulders of the on-looking shoulders, much to their horror. " _Do svidoniya."_

And without further ado, arms encircled the necks of half the soldiers present, dropping them in moments.

The deed done, Robin spread her arms invitingly. "If you'd all be so kind as to handle the rest?"

Luffy eagerly slammed his fists together. "Heck yeah!"

What happened next was undoubtedly the most humiliating two minutes of Squad 55's existence. The Straw Hats' strength alone was enough to take down each man with one shot, and though 55 started with an advantage in numbers, Robin stepped in a couple of times with a few dozen more chokeholds to remedy that. It was overkill, really.

"Send them flying in _that_ direction, guys," Cross requested, jabbing his thumb at the spire before grinning at Robin. "And good work, Robin."

She chuckled somewhat maliciously. "Believe me, after spending the last hour with those overheated apes, it was _wonderful_ to finally get rid of them."

"GUM-GUM BAZOOKA!" Luffy called out, slamming his hands forward and sending the unconscious Marines flying back to the spire, some falling into the water below as well.

With that done, the rest of the crew started streaming over to where we stood. The range of emotions was interesting—from Vivi's carefully blank expression to Usopp's naked relief—but all seemed to sense that this was something we all needed to hear, and so kept quiet.

"Alright, we're all together again. What's next, Cross?" Chopper asked once we were all together.

My answering smile was telling. "Next, we're going to show Jonathan what a mistake it was to challenge _us_ to a cheating contest. Lassoo, Chopper, Conis, Boss, you see this bridge?"

"Yeah?" Boss asked.

"It's the only solid passageway between the outer and inner parts of the fortress." I stuck out a thumbs up and slowly inverted it. " _Eviscerate it."_

Lassoo, Boss, and the Dugongs gained bloodthirsty grins, while Conis and Chopper merely nodded in understanding, the former grabbing the scruff of Lassoo's neck and hoisting him onto her shoulder as he swapped to his weapon form and the latter digging out a number of vials from his pack. The Dugongs set to work immediately, cutting the cables and denting the metal wherever it was most vulnerable. Then, once the bridge's stability was sufficiently precarious, Conis and Chopper moved in, launching enough bombs and explosives to fill up a small house. I slid on my ear protectors, and a few seconds later…

_**KER-BLOOEY!** _

" _London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down! London bridge is falling down, my dear_ JONNY _,"_ Soundbite sang eagerly as the once-mighty structure collapsed under its own weight.

**-o-**

Jonathan couldn't help but gape as he saw what had minutes before been a masterpiece of engineering come crashing down onto the stone path beneath it. Where once there was a pair of perfectly safe and stable pathways from the central spire to the outer ring, there was now merely a mountain of wreckage that nobody was likely to get through anytime in the near future.

" _Weak spot number four, Jonathan: having only one passageway from the inside to the outside,"_ Cross cheekily informed him.

"…You destroyed the Straw Bridge. Why would you destroy the Straw Bridge? Do you know much it _cost_ to build that in the first place?" Jonathan sank into his seat with a moan.

" _Consider it payback for infringing on our crew's copyright. Oh, and believe me, Jonathan, you don't have time to dwell on that. And I think you're about to find that out."_

The exact instant that the subtle static around him faded, the Transponder Snail at his desk began ringing.

" _Commander Jonathan, this is Chief Petty Officer Holger,"_ came the unmistakable voice of the person in question, sounding panicked.

"I told you not to communicate by snail—"

" _I KNOW, sir, but I've already sent three men to you and we haven't received a response yet, so I can only assume that they're being intercepted! Every time I do a headcount, someone else is missing! I think that the Straw Hats are picking us off, but we can't find them! WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS,_ PLEASE!"

Jonathan's eyebrows rose as he heard that before nodding. "Very well, I'll send notice to Henrick to gather a group and join you at the ship."

" _Thank you, Commander!"_

The line disconnected, and as Jonathan left his office to give the orders to the nearest Marine, he reasoned that that distress call had to be genuine. After all, it seemed that there could be no benefit for Cross to pose as Holger and make him send more troops to guard their ship.

**-o-**

"Cross, would you care to tell me the benefit for you to pose as Holger and make me send more troops to guard your ship?" Jonathan asked flatly, his eye twitching as he watched the pirate ship sail out of sight from his balcony. "You already _knew_ where the Going Merry was, all you accomplished was having there be _more_ troops present when you tore through them!"

" _And that is exactly why I did it, Jonathan, both because you now have less manpower at your disposal, if only a small amount compared to G-8's population, and because if we'd taken the easy way, it just wouldn't have been anywhere near as much_ fun."

_THUNK!_

Jonathan groaned as he raised his forehead from the balcony's railing. "'Fun,' he says…"

" _Soundbite, if you'd be so kind as to quote the_ grrreat _Captain Jack Sparrow, who I wouldn't be surprised if Jonathan didn't recognize?"_ Cross requested, rolling the 'r' on 'great'.

" **Ooh, GOODY!** _AHEM_ … _a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you want to watch out for. Because you can never predict when they're gonna do something incredibly…_ stupid."

" _Thus, weak spot number five: expecting pirates to be logical,"_ Cross said smugly.

"Beaten by my wife, beaten by a pirate, the Straw Bridge is destroyed, and between you and those birds my sanity is starting to crack." Jonathan ground his fingers into his temple. "Why, oh, _why_ did I ever agree to this game?"

" _Because like it or not, the truth is that no pirate is stupid enough to come anywhere close to Navarone, so all that you and yours do is sit on your asses and twiddle your thumbs all day, so you needed_ someone _to spice up your hum-drum routine?"_

"Oh, right…"

Jonathan massaged his temples for a minute or so before searching for something less exasperating to remark on. Then he remembered the brief report he had received in the failed attempt to capture one of the Straw Hats at their ship.

"You Straw Hats are certainly charismatic," he remarked casually.

" _Huh? What makes you say that? I mean, I'm definitely not denying that our captain has a freakish ability to make people like him, but—"_

"I'm referring to the fact that you've managed to sway a handful of your enemies in this fortress to actually aiding you in your escape," Jonathan said, a slight smile coming over his face. "Mekao the shipwright, his daughter Doctor Kobato, and to a lesser extent, even Jessica. Even the new recruits in this fortress take a week or so to develop a strong sense of loyalty to G-8, and yet, you managed to change their mindsets enough that they were willing to hide Princess Vivi from the rest of my troops. Care to explain?"

"… _well, I suppose it's more a matter of common interests than anything else,"_ Cross said, his shrug practically audible. " _Jessica appreciated Sanji's talent with food, Kobato was taken enough with Chopper's passion for medicine that she got over her hemophobia, and Mekao… well, that's more of a private matter, but suffice to say that he was glad to see a ship that was visibly loved by its crew. And let me remind you that we're not the stereotypical pirates; every fight we've ever been in, every enemy we've ever beaten has either been them attacking us or us counterattacking them. With shared interests like that, it seemed reasonable that they'd be willing to put prejudice aside, and it looks like it was."_

"Fair points, I suppose. But what of the new recruits?"

" _If you didn't listen to my first broadcast, you must have heard about it from someone who did,"_ Cross said more seriously. " _She shouldn't have set sail with us against her will. She should be back home in an Alabasta that hasn't seceded, that isn't at war once again, preparing to one day rule over her people in a peace they would have_ more _than earned. Tell me, Jonathan… what would_ you _have done if it was just Vivi that came here, and not any of the rest of us? Because I trust that you're smart enough to know what it means when HQ wants anybody alive, for any reason."_

Jonathan's smile faded.

" _I didn't start this show for shits and giggles, Jonathan. I started it because those bastards pushed the buck too far. I started doing this because I knew the chaos it would cause, the madness, the dissent, the_ doubt. _I did all of this… purely because I wanted to see the World Government bleed and_ burn."

"In short, your goals are the same as Dragon and the Revolutionary Army," Jonathan stated neutrally. "I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised if you know the truth about slavery and the five levels of Impel Down—"

" _Six."_

Jonathan froze. "…Pardon?"

" _Impel Down has_ six _levels, Jonathan, not five. I'm not surprised you don't know that, the whole point of it is that it's secret from all but the highest levels. But that's one of the rare cases where I agree with the World Government: the Eternal Hell's existence is better left unknown to the general public. If there's any good in this world, Crocodile's lifeless dust will one day decorate the cells… and, sadly, the next monster who sits in them, because we both know there'll_ always _be someone else to fill that cell."_

Jonathan gaped, left speechless at Cross' claim, and to his mounting horror, he actually found that he was fully prepared to believe that the pirate was telling the truth.

" _Well, I'm sure I've given you a lot to think about, Jonathan. But as it stands, the clock is still running. So, if you'll excuse me, our crew has some more blasting to do. I hope you have an emergency fund ready."_

" _ **BYE, NOW!**_ " Soundbite barked, upon which the transmission faded and explosions echoed from the other side of the base. Slowly, Jonathan moved back to his desk, taking in the sight of his chessboard, still set as it was at the conclusion of his game against Nico Robin. Then he reset the board and moved a pawn before spinning the board around and moving yet another. He needed to think, he needed to think _hard_.

**-o-**

" _Alright, what's the damage report?"_ Jonathan asked his four officers, all of them gathered in his office and nursing their injuries from their personal meetings with the Straw Hat Pirates.

" _Well, I think we all know about the bridge,"_ Drake ground out, aching pain obvious in his voice. " _Between that, their little rampage through the spire, taking back their ship, and various odds and ends, about 25% of the Marines on base are combat ineffective."_

" _And the material damage isn't anything to sneeze at, either,"_ Cormac groaned. " _Thank God the Spire is built so tough, because we've got enough holes in the walls that most structures would have collapsed around our ears."_

" _A large portion of the floor and ceiling of Dock 88 has been demolished; one of the soldiers took a black seashell from their ship, and the pirates yelled at him to drop it as soon as they saw it. When he did… it blasted a shockwave up that caused a small cave-in, and the ground beneath it crumbled into a crater six feet wide,"_ Holger said weakly.

Jonathan blew out a weary breath. " _And therein lies the primary issue when dealing with the Straw Hats' Third Mate: differentiating when he's being serious and when he's talking out of his ass… what else?"_

" _Aside from the fact that they've got their ship back and are heading for the Sea Gate? Nothing presently,"_ Henrick deadpanned. " _Shall we deploy the inner base's battleships and have them gather in formation at the Gate to intercept them?"_

" _Not yet. Based off of the Straw Hats' determination to defy logical expectations, I'm going to assume that they plan on leaving the same way that they came in: flying. How they'll pull it off, I have no idea, but I'm beyond the point where I'd be surprised if they did it. But first things first: send word to all units to begin clearing away the wreckage of the Straw Bridge. Once the natural bridge beneath it becomes traversable again, see to it that all cannons are manned, starting with the ones at the highest altitudes."_

" _Understood, sir. We'll see to it that the ships are prepared for towing and transporting rubble,"_ Henrick stated.

" _Very good. You're dismissed."_

There was a minute that was filled with footsteps, and then…

" _You have a little over twelve hours left, Straw Hats, and I am counting every second of them. Spend them wisely, or prepare to spend the rest of your lives in Impel Down."_

Soundbite and I exchanged eager grins I jerked my hand across my throat and we turned our attention towards a certain old man.

"Thanks for showing us here, Mekao. This should give us all the time we need to finish our breakout," I said.

"Cheeky kids," the shipwright said, shaking his head while at the same time matching my grin. "Jonathan's going to be tearing his moustache out before you're done, isn't he?"

" **We can** _hope!"_ Soundbite chirped. The old shipwright laughed before heading back into the fortress. I waited until Soundbite nodded to me, and then turned back to our assembled crew and ship, hidden in one of the abandoned docks and decidedly _not_ sailing towards the Sea Gate.

"Well, then, now that we're all together, and with Robin's confiscated map…" I held up the rolled up scroll in question and shook it as I grinned malevolently. "How about I lay out my plan on how we're getting out of here?"

Everyone's equally eager grins were answer enough.

"Alright, then, in that case…" I spread the map out on a barrel, allowing everyone to gather around. Soundbite chose that moment to start humming a tune that was _very_ appropriate.

"Here's how we're gonna play this."

**NIGHT**

**-12 Hours Remain-**

**Cross-Brain AN: Next chapter, we finish G-8. We'll update again at the usual time, so hang in there!**


	2. Chapter 2

### Chapter 35: Chapter 33: Escaping The Fangs! The Day They Almost Captured The Straw Hat Pirates!

### Chapter Text

**Xomniac AN: Hey CV, TPO, quick question for you two: what would you say is one of the most perfect examples of complete and utter pwnage in existence?**

**Hornet AN: Well, we showed one candidate back in Chapter 30.**

**Patient AN: Umm… upstaging Duncan and forcing him both to acknowledge us as worthy opponents and re-plan his own story back in Chapters 23 and 24?**

**Hornet AN: And then there's Quattro's expression at realizing that yes, Nanoha is about to blast through half a goddamn battleship to get to her.**

**Patient AN: Oh, I've never seen that show, but I've seen the picture on TV Tropes a few times.**

**Xomniac AN: Getting a bit off-topic here, but thankfully, I've found the most utterly** _ **perfect**_ **definition.**

**Hornet AN: Oh?**

**Patient AN: What would that be?**

**Xomniac AN: T-T-T-** _**TRIPLE TAP, YA MOOKS!**_

**Cross-Brain AN: Did we say that we'd update again at the usual time? Yes. Did we say that we** _ **wouldn't**_ **update again before then? Not so much.**

**DAWN**

**-1 Hour Remains-**

The Vice Admiral stared out of his office's window, patiently waiting as the horizon steadily lit up. The Straw Hats had been silent since they stole back their ship; he had, of course, mobilized troops to search the empty docks, but all of them had reported back in the negative. He was almost disappointed that the second half of the game was turning out so uneventfully. But he was certain that the Straw Hats had neither left the base nor surrendered the game, and that they would soon make their move to escape. He would very quickly come to regret that he was right.

" _Jonathan,"_ came an unmistakable voice from nowhere.

"Cross. Do you need anything? Besides a better sense of humor, of course."

" _Hilarious. I wish we could stay around long enough to hear you on open-mic night,"_ Cross deadpanned. " _No, I just have a question for you. Would you care to hazard a guess as to why I'm no good at playing chess?"_

Jonathan blinked in surprise and considered the question for a moment before glancing upwards in thought. "I'll be honest: for the life of me, I can't understand why. After all, for all that your tactics are unconventional, they do seem to be effective."

" _It's actually quite easy, really: the rules."_

"Ah…?" Jonathan trailed off in a confused tone.

" _Oh, I understand the basic rules; who goes first, how the pieces move, things like that. But the fact remains that there's a million and one other rules and exceptions and whatnot to consider as well. Like it or not, chess is… controlled, regulated. Every strategy you come up with, every tactic and gambit, all has to adhere to the rules of the pieces and the board."_

"And you don't like operating within the rules," the Vice Admiral divined, turning away from the window.

" _Exactly. It's just too restricting for me, too hard to properly plan things out. Honestly, when it comes to playing games of strategy…"_

_**KA-BOOM!** _

Jonathan spun around and stared out his window in shock as several explosions rocked Navarone, and plumes of off-color smoke began billowing out of the ring's various cannon-emplacements.

" _I like to think that I shine best when I'm allowed to work outside the box. You know… to_ flip the board, _if you will."_

Jonathan swallowed heavily as he took in the scene of pandemonium unfolding before him. "What have you done, Cross?" he breathed numbly.

" _Oh, nobody's_ dead, _if that's what you're worried about. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about them if I were in your shoes. After all…"_

**KRA-BOOM!**

Jonathan felt a ball of ice form in his stomach as another round of explosions suddenly went off from the other end of the base. He didn't even need to strain his ears to hear the storm of boots rushing towards his office.

" _You're about to be_ very _busy. Buckle up, Vice Admiral."_ Jonathan could practically hear the grin in Cross's voice. " _This is the endgame."_

**-o-**

**Eleven Hours Earlier**

" **Alright, everyone, listen up," I said as I tapped my finger on the map Robin had provided. "The whole plan hinges on Jonathan not realizing how we plan on getting out of here until it's too late. The man's proven that he's a genius, so if he manages to get an inch, he'll be able to work things so that he can take a mile. So, step one is to take away his command of the fortress."**

" **And how are we supposed to do that?" Nami asked, frowning. "They've already taken precautions against Soundbite, and I doubt Jonathan will fall for another Gastro-Clone play, no matter how illogical you make it."**

" **No, no, no, the time for deception has passed," I replied. "In order to make him lose control of this place, all we have to do is make this place completely out of control. Overwhelm him with so many damage reports that even he can't concentrate."**

" **So… we split up and smash things?" Luffy asked.**

" **No, no, no, not at all," I waved my hand dismissively. "If we went out and just started smashing things, they'd know exactly where we were and they'd flood the area with soldiers. We've done good so far, but sooner or later we'd get overwhelmed if they brought their full might to bear. No, what we need to do is make everything go wrong at the exact same time. What we need…" I slammed my fist on the barrel. "Is** _ **sabotage."**_

" **Oh, so we split up and smash specific things all at the same time," Luffy nodded. "Got it."**

**I blinked in surprise at how easily Luffy grasped that. "Well, that and set things up to blow up once we're good and ready, too, along with a few other things, but… yeah, basically." I promptly moved on. "The basic idea is to overload Jonathan with so many problems that he won't be able to identify and stop the** _ **important**_ **bits of what we'll be doing. That way, when he finally realizes our escape route, it'll be too late to stop us."**

**Everyone nodded in acceptance and understanding. "What exactly do you have in mind, Cross?" Boss asked gruffly.**

" **Weeell, for starters…" I turned my attention to our doctor. "Chopper, you've managed to concoct highly destructive explosives from scratch. Got any thoughts on making them messy instead?"**

**-o-**

"Commander Jonathan!" cried several frantic soldiers, the only discernable words before they began yelling about various problems. Mentally groaning at the migraine this would cause, Jonathan raised a hand.

"One at a time," he ordered.

"Commander, the barracks have been compromised!" one soldier managed to get out. "The whole area has been covered with something like molasses!"

"T-The same thing happened in the armory! We can't get to our weapons! Not to mention a few dozen random corridors!"

"And the west cannons, too, bubbling out of the barrels! It's ridiculously thick, any attempts to move it just gets whatever we use stuck!"

"They also set off sulfur bombs in a lot of places, including where we were storing our gas masks! The smoke's so rancid that we can't even get close, no matter how thickly we cover our mouths and noses!"

Jonathan frowned as he processed the statements. "Alright, get a sample of it to Kobato, have her start analyzing it and see if she has any gas masks to—"

_SLAM!_

All attention snapped to the door when it was kicked open, and all movement _froze_ when Jessica stalked in, looking fit to tear someone's head clean off.

**-o-**

**I turned to Sanji as Chopper set to work scribbling down formulae and compounds in a notebook. "Now, in regards to the kitchen—"**

" **If you're going to ask me to try sabotaging their food, it's out of the question, Cross," Sanji cut me off, before smirking. "But I think that what I did earlier may have helped; those recipes I gave Jessica were specifically designed for difficult customers at the Baratie…"**

**-o-**

Jonathan swallowed heavily as he tried to steady his nerves in the face of his advancing spouse. He was, to his credit, mostly successful. "Jessica? What did they do in the kitchens?" he asked nervously.

"Either Cross or Sanji had this planned from the start," Jessica ground out sourly. "I didn't notice it at the time, but while the recipes he gave us were delicious beyond anything we've ever put out of that kitchen, they also _just so happened_ to be stuffed to the brim with tryptophan. Everyone who's eaten within the last twelve hours is half-asleep at best. But that's not the worst part—"

" _ **YOU DID**_ **WHAT?!"**

Everyone in the office jumped as a furious voice echoed around them, followed by the sound of two high-pitched screams and several footfalls.

" **LAXATIVES?** _ **YOU PUT**_ **LAXATIVES** _ **IN THEIR MEALS?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE SANCTITY OF FOOD LIKE THAT! GET BACK HERE, MIKEY! AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK EITHER, CHOPPER, I KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE DOSAGES FROM! WE'RE HAVING VENISON AND TURTLE SOUP TONIGHT!"**_

" _SAVE US!"_ screamed the same high-pitched voices before the transmission cut out.

Jessica's eye twitched, but she looked somewhat mollified. "Well, at least Sanji didn't do it, it's good to see that my respect for him as a chef wasn't misplaced after all. But yes, most of the soldiers have stuffed the latrines to the brim as well."

_KRAK-BOOM!_

The spire was suddenly rocked by a massive shudder, one that had the Marines glancing at the ceiling uneasily. Barely two seconds later, Jonathan's snail started ringing.

The Vice Admiral picked it up, treating it much like a venomous snake. "Yes?"

" _Ah, sir?"_ Cormac's queasy voice filtered out of the snail's mouth. " _I'm sorry for using the Transponder Snail against your orders, but…_ ugghh… _we have something of a—_ hurk!— _situation in the latrines."_

Jonathan ground his molars together. "How bad is it?"

**-o-**

" **Well, that's disappointing…" I sighed morosely before shrugging. "Alright, moving on. Soundbite, have you got a good grasp on the base's plumbing system?"**

" _Huh?_ UM… **maybe?** _ **WHATCHA THINKIN'?"**_

" **Usopp, how much damage do you think you could do if you got your hands on the pipes?"**

**The sniper thought for all of three seconds before grinning a prankster's grin.**

**-o-**

The sound of heaving and splattering came over the connection as the snail grew green. " _It's bad…"_ Cormac moaned. " _The pirates sabotaged the plumbing… and combined with the—_ oh, crap, I can taste it!— _the gastric distress of our men… I'm afraid that there's been a… cataclysmic backup."_

Jonathan grimaced darkly. "How cataclysmic are we talking?"

"… _the best descriptor I can think of would be that the entire area looks like a battleship's bilge that hasn't been purged in months. And with more and more men running for the toilets as their own intestines attack them, suffice to say… "_

_KABOOM!_ _**CRASH!**_

Jonathan and all of the Marines in the room jumped in shock when the window was suddenly shattered by a ballistic sink that lodged itself in the opposite wall.

" _The situation is getting worse by the second."_

Jonathan began massaging his temples. "Alright, alright… rally the cleaning crews, clean this mess up, and then get the shipwrights into the plumbing so that—!"

_SLAM!_

Jonathan almost had an aneurysm when Drake, red-faced and bearing numerous _bite marks_ of all things, nearly tore his door off the hinges. "Oh, what now?!" he demanded impatiently.

Drake flinched at the tone before slowly holding something up.

Jonathan stared at what he was holding in shock. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

**-o-**

" **Boss, seeing as we've got plenty of time before our deadline, how hard would it be for you and your students to scale the outer wall and go on a little… fishing expedition?"**

**Boss gnawed on his cigar for a second before grinning eagerly. "Got any particular prey in mind?"**

**His grin doubled in size when I told him.**

**-o-**

"Where did they get a hammerhead shark?" Jessica wondered, taking in the sight of the dead but still-twitching aquatic carnivore Drake was holding up by the tail.

"Trust me, this is the _tamest_ of the beasts that they stuffed in our lockers…" Drake growled darkly. " _And_ they somehow stuffed our lockers with water to keep them _fresh!_ There is an _active battle_ going on against these things!"

"… Well, it would seem that the dugongs have outdone themselves…" Isaiah whistled in awe.

"I've been upstaged in power," concurred Terry, the quietest Jonathan had heard him speak. The Vice Admiral barely acknowledged that or their return, however, amidst the various problems spinning in his mind.

"The food, the passageways, the storage, the weapons, the cannons, the plumbing, and now this. I suppose the best thing to say is that it can't—MMPH!"

Jessica and Drake both slapped their hands over his mouth.

"You should know better than that, Commander," Drake snarled. " _Never_ say that things couldn't get any worse! The universe is always listening!"

Silence fell as Drake paled and everyone else in the room slowly turned to glare at him.

"…shit."

It was at that moment that the door to the office burst open and was _jammed_ with panicking Marines, all yelling in desperate attempts to garner Jonathan's attention.

**-o-**

" **Luffy, Sanji, Robin…" I turned my gaze to the three crewmembers who I hadn't planned anything for. "I honestly do not know. Basically, just go hog wild. Whatever you think you can do, do it. Just get this place set up to be turned inside-out and upside-down come daybreak. Soundbite will be directing everyone so that we all stay well away from any patrols. So, once we're done here?" I shot them all a thumbs-up. "Do your** _ **worst.**_ "

**-o-**

"Tripwires throughout the whole—!"

"—and the floors crumbled to pieces as we were—!"

"—laughing gas! Where did they even get—?"

"—rotten eggs and caltrops strewn through the—!"

"—growing through three different levels, branches and roots and everything! And the _squirrels—!"_

Jonathan's eyes stared vacantly into the distance, his mouth open in a continuous moan as his genius mind tried processing the onslaught of catastrophes going on throughout his base that, 24 hours ago, had been a peaceful and only slightly rusty machine fit for combat. Now the machine seemed to have been set to self-destruct with how much damage was being done.

"Why didn't I take up their offer and just let them leave? _Why?"_ Jonathan groaned.

" _Because you have an unhealthy obsession with strategy games?"_

The room slowly fell silent, and every occupant sans the South Birds grimaced as Cross' _very_ smug voice sounded around them.

"More gloating, Cross?" Jonathan groaned wearily.

" _Eh, part that, part status update,"_ Cross whistled innocently. " _First, Conis, Vivi, Su and Carue just raided the arsenal you had our gear in thanks to the solvent that Chopper provided for his bog-foam, sooo we've got_ our _weapons back, plus interest! Thanks again for so_ graciously _donating them to us. We appreciate your support!"_

**-o-**

" **Alright, besides all the planning, there are a few other specific jobs we'll need to do." I pointed out a specific room that Robin had identified. "One of the harder parts of this is going to be retrieving our stuff and whatever Chopper's creation doesn't render unusable from this armory here, where they've stashed it all. Honestly, I think the** _ **really**_ **hard part is going to be carrying all of those Burn Bazookas back—"**

" **Actually, I don't think that should be too hard, Cross," Conis replied, smiling lightly. "After all, when I lifted Lassoo, he seemed reasonably light, and the Burn Bazookas are much less bulky. I think I could carry them myself."**

**Lassoo gave the angel a bemused look. "Really? Because I've had some work done, and I know for a fact that I'm still upwards of a hundred pounds heavy. You must be freaki—SERIOUSLY!" the dog-weapon yipped in terror when he noticed Sanji glaring at him. "Y-You're seriously strong! T-Totally normal though, t-t-totally normal!"**

" **I'm with actually with Howlitzer here, Conis," Su interjected with some concern. "I know you had training, but could you lift that many bazookas back on Skypiea?"**

" **No, but after I used Lassoo to blow up the Straw Bridge, I remembered that I couldn't lift him back on Skypiea either," Conis replied, turning to Chopper. "More pressing things were going on at the time, but I am curious about how that happened. Is gravity weaker down here?"**

" **No, if anything, it's** _ **stronger**_ **," Chopper replied, tapping his chin thoughtfully before clicking his hooves together in a semblance of snapping his fingers. "Oh, but it might an inverse of what happened when we reached the White Sea. Just like we were weaker in the thin air, Conis's physiology is adapting to the increased air pressure and resulting in her body's musculature working on overdrive?"**

" **Huh," I nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense, but how much stronger?"**

" **Well," Chopper stared upwards contemplatively. "Judging from the height difference and the resulting difference in air density, roughly—WHOA!"**

**The reindeer cut off his explanation as Conis demonstrated her new strength by lifting me off the ground and clean above her head** _**with one freaking hand** _**, balancing me like a baton!**

"… **roughly… four times stronger than she was on Skypiea," Chopper finished weakly.**

" **Well, that and Cross is about as thin as a twig."**

" **HEY!" I barked at Zoro before grumbling darkly and crossing my arms. "So, anyways, I guess it'll be you going to get the stuff, along with Carue to actually transport it and Vivi for backup?"**

" **Sounds good to me," Vivi nodded in agreement, Carue quacking his consent as well.**

" **Perfect. Now, then… PUT ME DOWN ALREADY!"**

**-o-**

_THUNK!_

"Is this enough of my own medicine for your tastes, Drake?" Jonathan said, his voice muffled by the desk in the way.

"It _should_ be, but these Straw Hats are turning out to be more exasperating than you ever were," Drake groused.

" _Oh, yes, and one more thing. We're quite happy to have gotten our gold back, thank you for that."_

**-o-**

**I dusted myself off as Conis set me down. "Alright, so what else—?" My consideration faded quickly when I felt a conspicuous wave of killing intent from somewhere over my shoulder. "** _ **GOLD! RIGHT! GOT IT!"**_ **I yelped in a strangled tone of voice before sighing as the feeling abated.**

"HEHEHEH, _WHIPPED!_ _ **HAHA—hurk!"**_ **Soundbite's cackling died when the wave of menace suddenly renewed.**

" **So, Cross, you know** _ **where**_ **the gold is. Now,** _ **how**_ **are we going to get it without Jonathan stopping us?" Nami asked sweetly.**

" **Tone down the aura and let me** _ **think**_ **and I'll tell you," I pleaded desperately before sighing anew. "Alright, one way would be for you to ride in with your Waver with Luffy onboard, zap everyone, and then leave with the gold. But besides the fact that that was only 60% of what's actually in that office, your Waver's new design will support one person and nothing else." Frowning, I glanced back at her. "Speaking of which, where is it?"**

**Nami jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "I stashed it in a storeroom somewhere that way before I headed to the laundry room to try and get a disguise. I can go and get it in a few minutes, no problem."**

" **Perfect," I nodded happily before leaning over the map. I then snapped my fingers in realization as I got an idea and jabbed my finger on a specific point. "Alright, it'll be tight but I think I might have an idea. Here's what we'll do…"**

**-o-**

All present snapped their eyes to the corner of the room, to the place that once held the Straw Hats' treasure… and still did. Jonathan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Either my stress levels have raised to the point of hallucination, or you're mistaken, Cross, because it looks like all ฿500 million worth of treasure is still right where it was when you last saw it."

" _Yeah, that's what I thought, I just needed to make sure that it_ was _still there first, so thanks a lot!_ NOW!"

_SH-SHINK!_

Attention snapped back to the gold, where four different blades had sliced through the floor surrounding it.

The blades remained still for a moment before slicing clean through the stone, each one moving in a straight line and cutting a perfectly rectangular area out of the floor that entirely encompassed the treasure. The gold hung in place for a moment before dropping through the floor to the lower level. Before anyone recovered enough to head towards the hole, the floor was put back, sans treasure, and the sounds of rapid hammering echoed from below.

" _And now that we've taken what's rightfully ours, I believe it's time to go."_

" _THANKS for the_ **help,** _ **JONNY-BOY!"**_

_Both_ of Jonathan's eyes were twitching at the display, and he slowly turned to the gobsmacked onlookers. " _Get. Them,"_ he bit out irritably. In no more than three seconds, the Marines composed themselves, saluted, and sped off, leaving only Jessica and the South Birds.

"Well, we have some business to take care of. We'll see you later, Jonathan," Isaiah stated, bowing to Jessica before flying out the window.

"REMEMBER TO ALWAYS ACT WITH _POWAAAAH!"_ Terry bellowed before following after him.

Jonathan sighed, mostly in relief, as the birds flew away to rejoin the Straw Hats. "I think those two may have grown on me a little too much over the last twenty-three and a half hours," he muttered before shaking his head and moving to his snail. Cross had come close, but Jonathan still had one last trump card up his sleeve, and it would serve to use up all the time the Straw Hats had left.

Two rings later, the receiver picked up. " _G-Gatehouse!"_ answered the Marine on the other end.

"Bare Navarone's fangs to catch the Straw Hats," Jonathan ordered calmly.

" _Uh… that's going to be a problem."_

Jonathan didn't so much grimace as he tried to obliterate the Marine on the other end with his gaze alone. "Why, exactly, is it going to be a problem?" he growled.

" _Uh, w-well sir, I'm afraid that if I say it you won't believe me…"_

" _TRY ME."_

" _W-Well, then, you see…"_

**-o-**

" **Alright, now for the last and most critical part of my plan." I pointed at our navigator. "Nami, with the gold retrieval in capable hands, I have a special mission for you at the sea gate. I need you to storm the gatehouse. Or, at minimum, infiltrate and, you guessed it, sabotage."**

" **You want me to lock the gates open so we can sail out?" she guessed, though it was more a statement than a question.**

" **No," I crossed my arms in an X. "I want you to lock them** _ **shut."**_

**Nami frowned. "And the benefit of that is…?"**

" **Stopping Jonathan's last trump card." I pointed at the bay on the map. "Do you think they converted this entire island into a base for shits and giggles? No, they maintained the geography like this for a** _ **reason:**_ **because whether it looks like it or not, Navarone is** _ **still**_ **a Grand Line island, meaning it has ways to screw with you like you wouldn't believe." I circled my finger in the map. "It's known as the Fangs of Navarone. See, the bottom of this island's bay? It's actually** _ **higher**_ **than sea level at low tide."**

_**That**_ **statement caused Nami to pale in realization. "That** **would mean…"**

" **Huh? What does that mean?" Luffy blinked in confusion.**

" **It means that whenever it's high tide and so long as the** _ **watertight**_ **Sea Gate is shut, then the bay is perfectly filled with water," I explained patiently. "But if the Gate is** _ **open**_ **during low tide, then the water flows out and away with the tide, leaving nothing but shallows that devour enemy ships without fail."**

" **Ooooh…" Luffy nodded in understanding. "So it's a mystery tide."**

**I held up a hand to forestall Nami's reaction. "Mystery or not, it doesn't change the fact that it's** _ **deadly.**_ **The Fangs are Navarone's foolproof defense system. Once someone gets bitten, they go** _ **down."**_ **I slammed my fist on the map. "Let there be no mistake: stopping Jonathan from being able to unleash the Fangs against us is crucial to our escape… in more ways than one."**

**Nami rolled her eyes. "Alright, you've obviously got some crazy idea in mind, but I'll go along with it for now. I'm pretty sure that I can sneak in and cause some damage."**

" **Good. Just make sure that the sea gate's controls are completely out of commission. Do whatever it takes."**

**-o-**

"A lightning storm melted the control mechanisms," Jonathan repeated flatly. "An _indoor_ _lightning storm."_

" _Y-Y-Yes, Commander Jonathan, that's what happened,"_ the terrified grunt replied.

_KEE-RACK!_

The snail flinched with a miserable grimace. " _Is. Is happening. It's, ah, it's still going on. I-I'm sorry, Vice Admiral, b-but we won't be opening the Gate any time soon."_

" _Pfhehehe…"_

Jonathan rammed his fist onto his desk when a wry chuckle floated through the air. " _Cross."_

" _Yeeeaaah, see, here's the thing, Vice Admiral,"_ the pirate explained casually. " _While Robin was undercover with you? She heard about your little trump card and while, quite honestly, we could circumvent being caught in it with ease by taking the aerial route you mentioned, the fact remains that we're_ trying _to avoid putting undue stress on Merry. So, in order to avoid getting bitten, we decided that it would be best to wire Navarone's jaws shut."_

" _ **SUCKS**_ **TO BE you,** HUH?"

Johnathan's nostrils flared furiously as he exercised every bit of will he had left to stay under control, thanks in no small part to Jessica being nearby. He slowly rose from his seat and strode to his office's window, where he watched a small fleet of battleships deploy from their docks and begin to give pursuit to the Going Merry.

"Congratulations, Cross: you have officially exhausted my patience," Jonathan announced frigidly. "You have three minutes until sunrise. Fail to escape my fortress before then, and I will handle you all myself."

**DAYBREAK**

**-3 Minutes Remain-**

I won't deny it, the ultimatum did send chills down my spine. But up until now, my battle of wits against Jonathan had gone about as well as I'd planned, and the endgame was going perfectly. We had all of our crewmates, gold, and supplies, the Going Merry was sailing towards the Sea Gate, and Jonathan's battleships were right behind us. All according to plan.

"Alright, Cross, spill it!" Sanji demanded. "What's the rest of your plan? How are we going to get out of here with the Sea Gate locked?!"

I grinned in response. "Just keep heading towards it as fast as we can."

**-o-**

" **Alright, so everyone knows what to do?" I took in the sights of the various groups nodding and smirked. "Excellent. If everything goes as planned, we'll be out of here just in time for the sunrise."**

" **Matching wits with Jonathan… well, let's hope that everything** _ **does**_ **go as planned, he's quite the formidable opponent," Robin remarked.**

" **Oh, yeah, who won that chess game, anyway?" I asked curiously. Robin merely smiled enigmatically in response.**

**I frowned in dissatisfaction before shrugging with a sigh. "Well, fine, go ahead and be cryptic." I then stood at attention and looked at the crew one by one. "Anyways… you all know your objectives. Good luck, and dare I say… godspeed."**

**DAYBREAK**

**-2 Minutes Remain-**

As we neared the Sea Gate, the Marine battleships closed in on all sides, not even bothering to fire on us due to us having reached a dead end. We were cornered.

Then an amplified voice brought our attention to the top of G8, where Jonathan stared down at us. His voice was angry but triumphant.

" _ **Jeremiah Cross, Straw Hat Luffy, and the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates. You have fought valiantly to escape from Navarone, bringing the forces of G-8 to its knees in the process. You've shown resourcefulness, cunning, and sheer power, and overcome every obstacle that we set in your path. You've proven that my challenging you was a grave mistake.**_

" _ **But this is where it ends. Your time has run out, and for the crime of piracy as well as the severe damage you have inflicted on this base, I will personally arrest every last one of you, and you will face Justice in Marineford."**_

I stared up at the Vice Admiral silently for a few seconds before glancing at Luffy. Once he nodded, I glanced at Soundbite.

"Gastro-Amp," I said, smirking wide. My next words echoed throughout the entire base.

**DAYBREAK'S END**

**-1 Minute Remains-**

"Vice Admiral Jonathan, you have proved to be a most worthy foe. You've pushed us to the brink, hit us with genius move after genius move… but the fact is that you just can't win. By my count, we still have one minute left, and that's all the time that we need. See, this whole time, we've been _playing_ you. We've made you focus on all the damage we've caused so that you haven't had a chance to grasp the bigger picture. We've kept you off-kilter so that you couldn't take in all the facts, and question the exact 'whys' of our moves. And most importantly… you've been paying attention to me more than anyone else, rather than the one who actually had the power to get us out of here. And that's the last weak point I have to point out. Remember well the reason you lost this game because Eneru and many others have learned it the hard way before you, and one day… one day the _world_ will learn this lesson and never, _ever_ forget it: that no matter how smart, how strong, or how resourceful you are… _no one can defeat a D."_

I turned to Luffy as we finally reached Navarone's sole passage to the outside, my grin comparable to the Cheshire Cat's, and held up two fingers, as well as a third half-folded one. "Captain Luffy… _tear down this wall."_

Luffy blinked in confusion for a _second_ before grinning like a loon and nodding firmly. "RIGHT!" And with that, he took a deep breath and bit into his thumb. "BONE… BALLOON!"

I turned back around and pointed at Jonathan while Luffy's arm inflated behind me, pointing straight at him. "G-8's a beautiful base, Jonathan, truly a wonder," I smirked right in his ear. "And her Fangs are the most impressive part of all."

I paused as Luffy's massive arm shadowed the Merry… "GEAR TWO-POINT-FIVE!"

My grin became truly feral when Luffy's arm shot back, winding up for something _spectacular. "GUM-GUM!"_

"What say we wrench her jaw open so that she can show us those pearly whites?"

I had the _glorious_ privilege of seeing Jonathan pale in realization _just_ as Luffy's fist shot forwards.

" _GIANT PISTOL!"_

The Gate of G-8 was smashed into oblivion, allowing a burst of light to shine through in all its glory.

**SUNRISE**

**-TIME'S UP-**

The moment the Sea Gate was obliterated, the effect was instantaneous.

Without the manmade obstruction to hold them in any longer, the base's waters started rushing out to sea like bathwater down a drain, carrying our relatively small ship out with them. Navarone's battleships had no such luck, their size and distance from the Sea Gate ensuring that they had no chance to sail out before, with a symphony of crunching, Navarone's fangs ripped into their keels and most likely crippled them for good.

By the time Jonathan had managed to recover from the shock, we were out of the base's walls, and by no accident, every last one of the cannons with a chance of firing at us on our way out was completely disabled. As for the ships Jonathan had had stationed outside the base, they were caught completely unaware by the utter tidal wave of water that assailed them, one unlucky warship outright capsizing while the rest were too busy trying to avoid the same fate to stop us as we dropped our sails and made for open ocean.

Then… came the part where we had to grab Luffy as the drawback Gear Third—or Gear 2.5, as it were—kicked in, and Luffy would have gone flying from the air rocketing out of his mouth if I hadn't thought to grab him when he started deflating and kept him grounded. Once it was over and done with, I was left holding two and a half feet of giggling rubbery badass.

"What the…?" Chopper wondered.

"Drawback from that technique, he'll be back to normal in a few minutes," I explained, my eyebrow cocked at Luffy. "Also, just one attack? That's kinda…"

"Yeah, holding my breath is harder than it looks…" Luffy squeaked with his tongue stuck out childishly. "I just need more practice with 'em both and I'll be able to keep 'em going."

"Fair enough."

As we started to depart from the base, I couldn't help but look back. I could have let it end there, I could have… but really, given this opportunity, how could I resist?

I hastily poked Luffy and whispered to him. He immediately grinned and spread his arms wide. "Marines of G-8!" he bellowed in a high-pitched voice as Soundbite started belting out a certain theme. "You will always remember this day as the day you _almost_ caught Monkey D. Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates!"

Once that was done, he glanced at me eagerly. "Did I say it right?"

"That…" I sniffed as I wiped a tear away from my eye. "Was _beautiful."_

"It would have been a lot better if he wasn't talking like _that_ , though," Zoro deadpanned.

"Eh, take it or leave it."

Within minutes, G-8 was starting to shrink in the distance.

"… _Well done, Straw Hat Pirates. You beat me at my own game,"_ Jonathan stated, his voice firm and actually rather respectful.

" **DON'T BOTHER** _ **replying.**_ _He just_ _ **WENT**_ OUT OF MY _RANGE,"_ Soundbite declared.

I nodded to that before flinching as I realized that in all the madness, I hadn't had the chance to pass on the knowledge of MI4… well, no big loss, I was sure I'd figure something out to pass it on to him. Maybe I could ask Tashigi to track down Coo.

"Well, now that that's done, we don't need our fail-safe anymore," I said. And so, without any preamble, I walked over to Luffy and stuck my hand into his pants before pulling out the deflated Balloon Octopus. Even Soundbite gaped at me as I grinned at the cephalopod.

"Thanks for all your help! Enjoy life down here in the Blue Seas! Oh, and if you can, try finding your way to the Octopus Shogunate. Tell Octavio we sent you, he's a friend!"

And with that, I dropped the octopus overboard, and turned back to the rest of the crew, who were staring at me in silence, an absolute kaleidoscope of emotions swirling over their faces.

The silence lasted until Isaiah clapped his wings together. "Right, that's it. We're out."

"Huh?" said several voices.

"AGREED! WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE BASE! THIS PLACE IS TOO INSANE FOR MY POWEEEEEER!" Terry declared, already flapping his wings and preparing to fly.

"Wait just a minute!" I said sharply, causing the birds to look at me. I looked over them both before nodding. "This actually makes things much easier. Can you wait long enough for me to write Jonathan a letter so you can deliver it to him? It's _extremely_ important."

The birds posed as if they were folding their arms, but thankfully, they nodded in agreement. It took me a few minutes to compose the letter, but once I did I started to hand it to Isaiah… before jerking it back with a grave stare. "This is for the sake of changing the world into something better. Watch Jonathan like hawks until he decides to call this number. I've told him to teach you two how to write so that you can communicate without Soundbite's help. The password is Old Spice, but Jonathan won't know that, he won't even know that there is a password. Keep it that way unless he seems sincere. Can I trust you two to take care of it?"

"We shall consider it our final order as members of this crew, and treat it with the respect that that deserves," Isaiah replied with a bow.

"THANK YOU FOR LETTING US SAIL WITH YOU!" Terry bellowed as he flexed his wings Superman-style. "GOODBYE!"

And with that, our two avian friends flapped their wings and took to the sky, flying back towards Navarone.

We watched them go for a few minutes until we got back into our usual routine. That is to say, Nami barked at us all to get to work and most all of us hopped to it, except for me. I _tried_ to surreptitiously sneak into the kitchen before I could be missed, but really, what chances did I have of escaping the all-seeing eye of the Navigator?

"And what exactly do you think you're doing, Cross? Don't even think about starting another SBS, you've been doing enough of that for the past few days!" Nami snapped.

I flinched and muttered something… decidedly unflattering beneath my breath before replying. "I need to call Tashigi and warn her about Jonathan," I said shortly.

Nami's anger faded into a discontented frown. "Fine. But you'd better be ready to help as soon as you're done," she said.

I nodded, shot her a few very specific hand gestures once her back was turned, and then entered the kitchen, taking a seat at the table before exchanging looks with Soundbite. "And I was hoping that we could finally start things off with Apoo," I groused.

" _Honestly,_ **any other day** _ **I'D AGREE,**_ " Soundbite bit out tiredly. " _BUT I'VE_ **been working** _ **overtime**_ FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS. _**I FEEL**_ _STRONGER from the_ **WORKOUT, but I'm** _exhausted. HENCE_ **the four words I NEVER THOUGHT I'D** _utter: I_ _**need a break…"**_

I winced as I realized just how hard Soundbite must have been working in G-8. "Ah… yeah, sorry about that, Soundbite, should have realized… uh, would you be alright with handling a call to MI4 before you get some rest?"

The snail shook his head blearily for a second before nodding. " _Yeah… yeah,_ **I can manage** _ **THAT.**_ JUST TELL _**her to**_ **KEEP HER VOICE** _DOWN."_

I nodded, and dialed the number. And three rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ mumbled a muffled voice on the other end.

"…What?" I asked.

The snail winced. " _Ugh, sorry, force of habit. Good timing though, Cross. What can you tell me about the Barto Club?"_ Tashigi asked without preamble.

I blinked at the apparent non-sequitur. "Uh… why do you ask?"

" _Because Hina wound up in a dinner party with them during your last broadcast."_

"…wow. Kudos to you, _you've_ managed to make _me_ speechless," I finally managed to say. "Alright, I'll bite: how did _that_ happen?"

" _Well, they were about to attack each other when the snail rang, and both of them agreed on a truce. As the show went on, they started exchanging food…"_

**-FLASHBACK-**

" _Now, the question is, where have we—…Oh,_ fuck me _._ "

All of the listeners looked up from what they were doing at Cross' abrupt swearing.

" _Ah, viewers, I'm really sorry to cut you all off like this, but something's come up aaaaaand I'm-gonna-have-to-call-you-back-BYE!"_

And just like that, the snail fell asleep.

"…What was that about?" Mr. 5 wondered.

"My guess is they wound up in the middle of either a pirate's hideout or a Marine base," Jango deadpanned.

"I wouldn't be surprised, that does seem like something that would happen to them," Apis nodded sagely before freezing and looking around hesitantly. "But… now that the SBS is over… is the truce over, too?"

At that, all present stiffened, the boundaries of friend and foe thoroughly re-established. But before anyone could make a move…

"STAND DOWN, EVERYONE!"

The authority of Hina's yell froze all of the Marines on deck, while the suddenness did the same to the pirates. She then turned towards Bartolomeo, who was staring at her with a curious but guarded expression. Hina pondered over the choice of action in her mind, but if the truce had shown anything, it was that it was at least worth a shot.

"Give me the number for your Transponder Snail, and I'll let you go this time," Hina said quietly.

"Oh?" Bartolomeo leered, displaying his most likely fishman-descended dentition in a crass grin. "You wanna see more of me?"

"Hmph," Hina sniffed imperiously. "Not particularly, but for a pirate, you seem reliable enough that Hina would like to have you on call."

Bartolomeo blinked in surprise before shrugging indifferently and scrawling out the number. One quick check for any 'parting gifts' left by over-enthusiastic crewmates on both ships later, the Barto Club reboarded the _Cannibal_ and left. The moment they were out of range, Hina looked back at her troops. "Unless I say otherwise, we never saw them."

"Yes, ma'am!" came the resounding response.

Hina nodded before sweeping back towards her office, flanked by her left-and-right hand men. "Tell the men to get us on a heading for Base G-2 on Bawean. I want us there within a week, maximum."

"At once, ma'am," Jango nodded firmly and split off to relay her orders.

Once she reached the door to her quarters, Hina gave Fullbody a stern look. "Hina needs some time to contemplate recent developments. Under nothing less than the direst of circumstances am I to be disturbed, understood?"

Fullbody cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Matters of Marine Integrity, I take it?"

"Precisely."

"Very well, then, ma'am." Fullbody wheeled about and promptly took up a guard position before the door.

Hina prepared to close it before pausing as a thought occurred to her. "Hmm… now that Hina thinks about it… wasn't your last assignment before you were demoted to transport a prisoner named Gin, like that First Mate of Black Bart's?"

Fullbody's reaction was for his every muscle to lock up, an ashen-gray tone coloring his face. "I am completely and utterly certain that I have no memories whatsoever of whatever it is you're referencing, Captain…" he groaned in a sickly voice.

Hina gave him a flat stare. "You had Jango suppress those memories, didn't you."

"I am completely and utterly certain—"

"At ease, soldier."

" _Thank you,_ Captain…" Fullbody sagged in relief.

With a final shake of her head, Hina closed the office door and sealed it, both traditionally and personally. Once the room was secure, she dug her private snail out of the hidden compartment in her desk where she'd stashed it and dialed a specific number. Two rings later, the recipient picked up.

" _Pisces,"_ came Tashigi's warped voice on the other end.

"Capricorn," Hina replied. "Tashigi, Cross is obviously in a bad situation right now, but as soon as he calls you again or ends his next broadcast, ask him what he knows about the Barto Club. I'm considering that perhaps MI4 could benefit from employing… unconventional allies…"

**-END FLASHBACK-**

"… _so, yeah. You think it's a good idea?"_

It took me a few moments before I could get my thoughts together at hearing what Hina had in mind, at which point I started unconsciously scratching my chin. "I… well, Bartolomeo is a juvenile and sadistic mafia boss-turned-pirate that loves nothing more than taunting his opponents, so I don't know where on the moral line he stands. But there's one little detail that ensures that he's still perfect material for an ally, and that's that ever since he witnessed Luffy's would-be execution in Loguetown, he's _worshipped_ him, and by extension his crew, i.e. _us_. So…" I shrugged helplessly. "I dunno? Chances are that it should be easy to talk him into this if you name-dropped us, but he's still his own guy and he lives to troll, so no guarantees."

" _I see…"_ Tashigi mused before nodding. " _Well, it's not like we haven't taken risks before. Alright, I'll let Hina know; expect a conference call at some point soon. Are any of his crewmates going to be a problem? Most of them seemed like common thugs, but there were five people who stood out. Three of them were the ex-Baroque Works Officer Agents Mr. 5, Miss Valentine, and Miss Goldenweek, who apparently joined up after laying low in Alabasta proved impossible due to the country going Revolutionary. There was also a man named Gin, who Hina suspected was once part of Don Krieg's crew, and a girl named Apis riding, if you can believe this, a_ dragon… _which, actually, considering how this is the Grand Line, isn't really all that hard to believe._ "

It took me a minute to process all of that; I hadn't expected Bartolomeo going out to sea this early to have consequences like _this._ Never mind the fact that the whole Millennial Dragon thing actually went down!

"OK…" I started counting down on my fingers as I scrounged up what intel I could. "First things first. Yes, Gin used to be Don Krieg's strongest subordinate, but after Sanji showed him mercy and saved his life, Krieg double-crossed him for returning the favor. Luffy and Sanji would probably consider him a friend. Apis… I don't think she had any fighting skills of her own, but she ate the Whisper-Whisper Fruit, which lets her telepathically communicate with animals. Still, she should be just as easy to make friends with, I think. Those Officer Agents, though…" I thought it over for a second before shrugging. "Well, Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas were professional enough, so maybe there's hope there, plus it's not like they're the only ones to come off that particular ship… meh, screw it. If they can agree to let bygones be bygones, the only person who I can imagine protesting would be Vivi, and she's already well on her way to forgiving Robin, so I'm optimistic."

" _Alright, I'll pass all of that on to Hina,"_ Tashigi acknowledged thankfully. " _Now, why were you calling me?"_

"Oh, right," I said, facepalming. "Sorry, I just got a bit blindsided is all. Tashigi, you remember that Vice Admiral that I thought my crew might end up crossing paths with before you were done? Well, we just did: Vice Admiral Jonathan of the G-8 branch, or Navarone if you prefer."

" _J-JONATHAN?"_ I reeled in shock at the sudden panicked spike in volume. " _ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ADRENALINE-ADDLED MIND!? HE'S ONE OF—"_

"Hey, keep your voice down, Tashigi!" I said hastily. "Soundbite's exhausted, he was working nonstop since our last broadcast to help us escape from Navarone. I'm already straining him by having him call you."

The snail bit his lip, and took a couple of deep breaths before continuing in a furious but quiet tone. " _He's one of Akainu's favorite students! In what_ possible _world could_ he _be_ _a good candidate?!"_

"The same world where he made the grave mistake of agreeing to play a survival game with the Straw Hat Pirates to give them a chance to escape from his fortress. Let's just say that while we escaped unscathed, he'll have his hands full with repairs for the next few days… or weeks… or months," I replied, and neither Soundbite nor I were able to keep from grinning maliciously.

"… _damn you, Cross, I should_ not _be finding that funny!"_ Tashigi snorted with ill-repressed humor before hastily sobering up. " _B-But still, Cross, this is_ serious. _I cannot put enough emphasis on the fact that the man you are electing for a position in MI4 is Akainu's_ student. _Considering how much you know, you should be fully aware of just how legitimately_ horrible _of an idea that is!"_

I frowned firmly. "And not to beat a horse to death, Tashigi, but to reiterate my previous point from a few nights ago, when was the last time I was wrong?" The ensuing silence was telling. "Yeah. I'm not saying I'm infallible, I can make mistakes, but I'm pretty confident that my track record thus far speaks for itself. Anyway, it's already _done._ I've already passed on the contact information for your snail, so be ready for his call. And don't worry," I held up my hand to forestall her protests, despite how redundant of a move it was considering the means of communication. "I didn't just do this on a whim. I do have a foolproof plan in case of the, in my opinion, _highly_ unlikely event that he'll try to sell us out…"

**-o-**

"Would you care to enlighten me as to exactly _why_ you let the Straw Hats run wild in Navarone, considering the results?" Jessica bit out, gesturing at the general bedlam and ruin around them from Jonathan's balcony.

"Cross promised to pressure-test the base and show how much of an asset it was for the Marine Corps," Jonathan replied.

"Well, it looks like all he did was exploit every last one of our weak spots to turn the entire island against us!" Drake growled, pacing about agitatedly. "When Marineford gets wind of this, they'll shut the base down for sure! This 'game' of yours—!"

"Had the desired result."

Jessica and Drake stopped short. "How can you say that?"

"This was the most devastating and stressful battle that Navarone has ever been through," Jonathan summarized matter-of-factly. "The Straw Hat Pirates pointed out all of our weak spots and then turned them against us. And despite all of that, our best efforts came within one shot of defeating them. After going through months of peace before a full day of war, we came within an inch of capturing or sinking the infamous Straw Hat Pirates."

He then grinned. "And our base has never been in a better position for growing stronger. Just as they did in the last 24 hours in order to try and capture the Straw Hats, all of our soldiers will come together to repair the damage. We'll put precautions in place to remedy our weak spots, and as a result, we will come back stronger than ever from dealing with one of, if not undoubtedly _the_ most insane crew of this generation. After showing how strong we are even after all this time, there's no way they'll be able to justify shutting us down."

Jessica's eyes brimmed with tears, and she smiled before embracing her husband warmly, with Drake looking on with an exasperated, but nonetheless fond, smile.

"You're right, darling."

The two maintained their embrace for several more seconds before an unfamiliar but unmistakable sound reached their ears.

" _Cho!"_

"Oh, no," Jonathan moaned, looking up from embracing his wife to see that the South Birds were flying back towards him; he barely noticed Drake beating a hasty retreat out of the corner of his eye. They perched on the railing, and one of them bent his beak forward to place a rolled-up piece of paper on the table. Raising his eyebrows, Jonathan took the paper and opened it, with Jessica reading the message within over his shoulder.

_To Vice Admiral Jonathan, and all of those loyal to him:_

_First things first: Robin suggested that to compensate for the damages done to your base, you put in a report saying that Special Inspector Major Shepherd cooperated with the Straw Hat Pirates, dealing significant property damage in an attempt to show the incompetency of this base and shut it down. After all, that's what happened, no? At the bare minimum, that should reimburse you, and the fact that you almost managed to beat us should be enough to reassure HQ that you're worth keeping around._

_Now, on to more serious matters. Here's a question for you: what's the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine? The answer: good Marines follow their orders to the letter, and sacrifice everything for the sake of Justice, while decent Marines sacrifice everything for the sake of all…_ even _Justice, if it comes down to it. It's clear which is the better of the two, yes? All things considered, however, the Navy today is predominantly filled with good Marines. You and I both know that. I happen to believe that you're one of the decent Marines, and I now know with perfect certainty that you have not only the intelligence but also the bravery to defend that fact._

_And that is why I'm trusting you with one of my most well-guarded secrets: there exists within the Navy an organization composed purely of decent Marines who have put their lives on the line to begin changing the Navy to what it should be, destroying the corruption from the ground up. They have no affiliation with the Revolutionary Army, and their numbers are small, but growing. I—and by extension, my crew—have served as an informant for the organization from the moment of its founding to help with that growth._

_This letter and the knowledge within are an invitation for you to become a leader in this organization. If you choose to stake everything on being a decent Marine, call the following number where, in all likelihood, you'll have to reveal your secret. And if you don't… well, if you're not willing to stake your all, then why did you join the Marines in the first place?_

_I hope to hear good things about you, Jonathan._

_252-287-677_

_Jeremiah Cross_

_P.S. Unable to cope with our day-to-day insanity any longer, Terry and Isaiah have decided to stay with you. As they can no longer speak, I highly recommend teaching them how to write, and if possible, getting them in contact with News Coo number 1851. Mention my name to him, and he'll be willing to help._

Jonathan stared impassively at the note, any traces of amusement, dread, or irritation gone as he considered the gravity of what was written in the letter; he barely even acknowledged the postscript and the difficulty that would come from it. He turned to Jessica, who was staring at the note with wide eyes.

"…I suppose now I know what Cross meant when he said that there were people who were going to love to hear my secret," Jonathan finally said. He started to set the note down when Jessica stopped him.

"Hang on, there's something on the other side."

Jonathan blinked and turned it over, confirming that, yes, there was a little more.

_P.P.S. Just wanted to let you know that, personally? I'm really glad we came to Navarone. Why, you ask? Because this was the first true test of my skills as a tactician I've had to face… and quite honestly? This marks the absolute_ first _time a plan of mine has gone off without so much as a single hitch._

_So, thank you, Vice Admiral Jonathan._

_Thank you for helping to make me more capable of helping my crew in the future._

Jonathan read the post-post-scriptum a few times, just to confirm that what he was reading was real.

Once he was certain that yes, he _had_ just read that, he found that there was only one thing he could do.

Vice Admiral Jonathan sat in his chair, hands folded before him, and without so much as a second's hesitation before his men, his wife, and God himself…

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He threw his head back and _laughed._

**-o-**

"…So, yeah. The password is 'Old Spice'; if he doesn't know to say that and you don't hear South Birds on the other end giving him the password, just hang up. But I have no doubt that he'll come around eventually, and with him the entirety of G-8."

"… _Alright, Cross, I'm impressed,"_ Tashigi admitted. " _If this actually works, I think you'll have done more for MI4 than we have. But if this does fail, and he decides to tell Akainu—!"_

"He won't, Tashigi," I cut in sharply. "If you need reassurance that badly, then here it is: while I was in that fortress, I got my hands on Buster Call-grade blackmail material for Jonathan, and he knows it. He'll have no choice but to sit on the knowledge if he doesn't decide to join."

Tashigi was silent for a minute. "… _You're sure, Cross?"_ she asked at last.

"Positive," I replied firmly.

" _Alright, I'll trust you on this, but I'm passing on the warning to the other three."_

"Of course, of course. By the way, what was that about when you picked up? You said pieces, or something."

" _Oh, right,"_ she said, brightening up some. " _Well, T-Bone came up with the idea, just a measure of added security, for all of us to use code names. Hina suggested Cancer for Commodore Smoker, and—"_

"PFHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just sad, clichéd, hilarious _and_ genius all in one package," I snickered.

" _Heh, yes, we all did think it_ was _funny, but Smoker seemed alright with the name. So, yeah, we decided to take the other names from the Zodiac, too. I'm Pisces, Hina is Capricorn, and T-Bone is Scorpio. We were thinking you could take the codename Ophiuchus."_

I blinked thoughtfully as I contemplated that. "Huh… the unofficial 13th Zodiac… eh, what the hell, I'm as slippery as a snake anyways and it sounds cool. I'll take it."

"ARE YOU DONE YET, CROSS?" came Nami's voice from outside. I winced and glanced at the door, then back at Soundbite.

"Uh, anything else, Tashigi?" I asked hastily.

" _Not unless you have any other pirate crews to recommend,"_ she replied.

I rolled my eyes with a groan. "ALMOST, NAMI!" I called, and then I racked my brains for any other decent pirates. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of many that were in Paradise. "Sorry, but at present, most of the crews that come to mind are 'maybes' at best. The only definite 'yes' I can think of is the Saruyama Alliance, composed of the Masira Pirates, the Shoujou Pirates, and Montblanc Cricket, and no offense to them but they themselves aren't really 'pirate' pirates per se, sooo…" I waved my hand side to side. "Well, I don't think I need to explain why I'm sure about them, but that's all I've got for now."

Tashigi frowned in dissatisfaction before sighing in defeat. " _Well, at least that's one more group than we had before, so thanks. I'll let you get back to your crew. Good luck in your travels, Ophiuchus."_

"Same to you." I allowed a cheeky grin to spread across my face. " _Fish-stick."_

Tashigi 'stared' at me flatly for a moment before sighing in defeat. " _I don't know what I was expecting…"_ And with a final KA-LICK, Soundbite sagged in relief.

I grinned warmly as I patted his shell. "You go ahead and catch some sleep, little buddy, you've more than earned it."

The snail smiled tiredly before retreating into his shell. I set down the bag with the transceiver before heading back outside, and coming face-to-face with an impatient-looking Nami. "The work is all done now. You'll be pulling double duty the next time a storm blows in. And where's Soundbite?"

"Think a little harder about the last 24 hours," I replied. Nami frowned more deeply before a look of understanding came in her eyes, and she sighed.

"Alright, fair enough. Let's just hope—" She snapped her mouth shut and shook her head fiercely. "Nope, not saying it, not giving the universe that kind of an opening."

_SPLASH!_ " _GROOOAAAR!"_

I gave the Sea King that was towering over the Merry an eager grin. "It would appear that the universe does not give a flying fuck. Goodie!"

"LESS SNARKING, MORE GETTING US THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DAMN JUNKIE!"

"RIGHT AWAY, NAMI-SWAN!"

"Kiss-ass."

"GO FALL OVERBOARD, MOSSHEAD!"

"YOU FIRST, SWIRLYBROW!"

"FIGHT THE SEA KING, NOT EACH OTHER!"

" _Ooh,_ _ **target practice! AND A TEST SUBJECT TO BOOT!"**_

" _Arf arf—ARF?!"_

"Sorry, everyone, Soundbite burned himself out with everything that happened in Navarone. It'll be a little while before you can talk again. In the meantime, Chopper can translate if necessary."

" **The skull bone's connected to the spinal column, the spinal column's connected to the** _ **EVERYTHING…"**_

"Oooor not, as it were…"

"Somebody hit him before he starts experimenting on us next!"

"I wouldn't worry, Usopp; I'm sure he won't experiment on us."

"R-Really, Robin?"

"Of course. Considering the size of that Sea King, I estimate it will take him several hours to exhaust the sheer amount of resources it can offer him."

"THAT'S NOT REASSURING!"

"SHISHISHI!" Luffy laughed eagerly. "IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!"

And honestly?

It was. It really, really was.

**-o-**

A day later, the difficulties of Navarone were all but behind us. Despite the typical noise onboard, it took a little while for us to get used to Terry and Isaiah's absence. Fortunately (depending on how you defined it), we had plenty of other things to occupy our time and attention from the time we left, encompassing the next couple of weeks as we followed the Log Pose towards our next destination. From the typical and unsurprising…

**-o-**

"Nami! Get up here!" I yelled, pounding on the door to the storage room as the wind, waves, and wightning (as Carue put it) raged all around us.

"No! I'm busy polishing my gold!" she yelled back from within.

"Nami, we are in the middle of a fucking storm! _If you don't get up here, you'll lose all that gold!"_ I bellowed.

"…" Silence echoed from within, and I facepalmed as I made a mental note to have Chopper do something.

" _FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,_ _**WOMAN,**_ **IT IS NOT WORTH IT!"** Soundbite roared.

"That's it. You're getting therapy from Chopper, end of story!" I concurred.

"Not before you—!"

"Gastro-Amp," I snarled before shouting over the storm. " _MY_ OBSESSION HASN'T ENDANGERED ANY OF US! _YOURS_ HAS YOU _ACTIVELY CONSIDERING LETTING US ALL SINK!"_

"WHAT!?" Nami slammed the door to the storeroom open and glared bloody murder at me. "Cross, I'll admit that I'm obsessed, but there is no way in _hell_ that I would allow it to get to the point where it compromised my integrity as a navigator! The only reason I'm not bothering to coordinate you seaweed brains is that the storm is going to blow over soon!"

I glanced up at the absolutely _murderous_ clouds looming over us. "Are you out of your—!?"

"Three, two…" Nami ticked off her fingers.

Aaand there it was: clear skies, just like that.

"And _there,"_ Nami nodded firmly. "Now, unless there's anything else?"

I stared up at the sky before slowly looking back at her. "My objections appeared to have become defunct."

"Perfect. So, if you'll excuse me, I have a romantic candlelight dinner to get back to." And with that, she slammed the door shut.

I spared the mere _thought_ of whatever the hell she could be doing in there a shudder of revulsion before walking off, weathering Sanji's cries of how brilliant Nami-swan was. As I did so, I passed Robin, who looked like she had swallowed a lemon.

"You peeked?" I said flatly.

"My kingdom for a way to wipe my memory…" she said, shuddering.

**-o-**

…To the mildly expected and nearly forgotten (no pun intended)…

**-o-**

"I! HATE! AMNESIA! EPISODES!" I grit out viciously, emphasizing each word by ramming a highly bruised seahorse's head into a nearby tree. "NOW! GIVE! US! BACK! OUR! MEMORIES! AND! _SCREW OFF!"_ I capped it all off with an overhead swing that gave the tree a nasty split.

As blue mist leaked out of its mouth, the emaciated would-be dragon looked worse than Luffy after Zoro, Sanji, Nami, _and_ Chopper ganging up on him. He lay on the ground, tears leaking out of his eyes.

"I just want to be a Millennial Dragon," it moaned.

"You're in the wrong fucking ocean, dumbass," I snarled before looking back at the kid it used as its puppet, who was currently cowering against a tree. "Everyone should have their memories back now. Just make sure that _this,"_ I gave the seahorse a punt for good measure. "Never comes within range of this island again. Got it?"

The boy swallowed and nodded before tentatively stepping back, then running away as fast as he could.

I watched him for a second before turning a stink-eye on Robin, who held up her hands in a conciliatory manner.

"In my defense," she said. "It didn't take _my_ memories."

"…I'm still blaming you for this," I grumbled.

"Cross!" Vivi rushed up to me, her eyes full of concern. "I am _so_ sorry, I-I-I—!"

"It's fine, it's fine..." I waved her off as I finally took the time to pinch my profusely bleeding nose shut. "But for the record? Your alter-ego is a raving _bitch."_

"That… was kind of the point," Vivi admitted sheepishly.

**-o-**

…To the completely unexpected yet utterly mundane.

**-o-**

"Alright, Usopp," I muttered as I knelt on the deck, balancing Lassoo on my shoulder. "Hold very, very, _very_ still…"

Usopp ignored me in favor of quivering like a leaf as he stared down the dog-gun's barrel in terror, which was in turn causing the apple on his head to wobble uncontrollably. "I-I-I-Isn't there _any_ other way you could practice your aim with that mutt!?" he whimpered in terror.

"Mmm…" Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning malevolently. " _Nope!"_ we chorused before I scrunched my eye shut. "Now whatever you do… don't mo—"

" _AAAAAAARGH!"_

"HOLY!" I yelped in shock when a scream of mortal terror suddenly rang through the air, causing me to squeeze Lassoo's trigger on impulse.

_BOOM!_

"GAH!" Usopp screamed, only just managing to dive to the deck as the ballistic baseball shot through where his head had been moments earlier. "ARE YOU INSANE!? YOU ALMOST TOOK MY HEAD OFF!"

"Blame whoever screamed just now," I retorted with a roll of my eyes. "And besides, what the hell are you worried about? You tanked plenty of Lassoo's balls back in Alabasta and came out… relatively alright?"

"I ALMOST DIED! AND BESIDES, I ONLY TANKED THE EXPLOSIONS, _NOT THE ACTUAL PROJECTILES!"_

"Ah... fair enough," I conceded before putting up a hopeful finger. "But hey, look on the bright side: if you had lost your head, I'm sure that Chopper could have reattached it for you?"

It was at that moment that the trapdoor to the men's room popped open, disgorging a plume of off-color smoke and a madly grinning human-reindeer. " _ **You raaaaang?"**_

We stared at him silently for a second before Usopp slowly turned a vicious glare on me. "When I die… I swear that I will _haunt you."_

"Sorry, that role is reserved for someone else we'll be meeting later," I replied cheekily before looking at my shoulder. "Anyway, who screamed and why?"

" _ **SANJI**_ _,_ **but I didn't hear** _ANY_ FIRES _OR_ _ **knives, and**_ **NOBODY ELSE IS** _ **in there**_ **except** _Conis,"_ the snail replied.

" _ **Iiiinteres-—"**_

_THWACK!_

"OW!…thank you, Cross." Chopper winced and rubbed where I'd slammed the trapdoor on his head. "But seriously, we should probably check on him."

With that, we all walked towards the kitchen, where most everyone else was already gathered. The sight that met our eyes was… well, interesting, to say the least.

Sanji was on the floor, pale and passed out. And the cause? Conis, who was sitting at the table, looking at him with an expression that was both unnerved and concerned and wearing—

I blinked in surprise. "Are those my cargo pants? _And_ my aviator jacket?"

"Huh?" Conis looked at me in surprise before smiling and fingering the furred collar of the jacket. "Oh, yeah, apparently we're approximately the same size. Do you mind?"

"Uh… not… really?" I hedged in confusion. "But why are you wearing my… I mean, did Nami, Robin, and Vivi not have any clothes to spare?"

"Oh, they did," Conis said, shrugging. "But when I tried them on, I found that compared to the disguise I put on back in Navarone, they were, well…" Conis spun her hand for a second before sighing helplessly. "Well, look: back in Skypiea, there really wasn't much diversity in fashion. The most differences there were were in patterns and colors and whatnot, but apart from that, all anyone apart from White Berets wore were those same garments. I enjoyed trying on the different outfits that Vivi and Laki showed me, but… the Marine uniform was just a lot more, well…"

She spread her arms with a grin. "Liberating! So, I decided to try some different clothes and I found that yours worked quite well!" She grinned for a few seconds longer before smiling sheepishly. "Is… Is that going to be a problem? Sanji seems to think so…"

I processed what she said before shrugging. "Nah, that's just Sanji. Personally, I think that's a good look for you! We'll just have to get you a new wardrobe once we reach the next civilized island, is all."

Conis smiled beatifically. "Th-Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

"I suppose we should have expected her to be a tomboy, considering her role on the crew," Robin remarked as Chopper went to work rousing Sanji.

"Still surprising, based on what we already knew about her," I pointed out. "Seriously, she did not give off tomboy vibes when we first met her."

"No, Conis, darling, why?!" Sanji suddenly shouted as he shot upright, his voice anguished. "At least go with the short-tank look!

"Ergh…" Nami ground the heel of her palm into her forehead.

"Pardon me," Raphey snarled as she grabbed Sanji by his collar and started dragging him out of the kitchen. "I need to spend the next ten minutes brutally educating this idiot on everything _wrong_ with what he just said."

The rest of the crew stared after her uncomfortably.

"Shooould we stawp her?" Carue asked.

"Depends," Su yawned. "Do you want to get your beak lodged in your own brain?"

"No?"

"Then no."

**-o-**

And, of course, it wouldn't be the Grand Line without the sea throwing something unexpected _and_ bizarre at us. Something... _unspeakable._

**-o-**

"HALT, EVILDOERS!"

"I swear to Ammit, if this is anything like those Bleeding Heart jackasses…" Vivi grumbled as she stalked over to the side. We watched with mild interest as she peered over the railing, interest that turned into panicked concern when she suddenly coughed up blood and slumped over.

"VIVI!" we all shouted, standing and rushing to her side.

"DEAR PRINCESS!" Sanji yelled, twirling there ahead of us and grabbing her by the torso.

"N-No…" she groaned, her twitching arm raised to try and ward us off. "S-Save yourselves…"

Of course, we ignored her, Chopper joining Sanji at her side and the rest of us crowding the railing to try and see what had caused this. And when we did…

"Oh, my…" Robin breathed, her eyes wide as saucers.

The rest of us didn't answer, too busy gaping in utter shock at the sight before us. I'll spare you readers the details; suffice to say, the man in the dinghy below us would have looked absolutely at home in a bodybuilding competition. Well, aside from the frilly magical girl outfit he was wearing, complete with the toy-like wand— _which wasn't resized in the least_.

"I AM MAGICAL GIRL INFERNO ANIKI!" he announced. "AND YOU PIRATES, FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE OF THE SEAS, SHALL BE PUNISHED!"

And with that, he struck a pose, the sunlight glinting off his exposed muscles.

_B-B-B-BOOM!_

For all of three seconds before a series of explosions decimated his boat.

"FOUL!" he shouted as he spun through the air before disappearing in a twinkle in the sky.

"I'm sorry if any of you would have preferred to do that, but personally, I reached my lifetime quota for the _wrong_ kind of transvestites with Mr. 2," Lassoo grumbled morosely, stalking away from the edge of the boat with an air of annoyance.

"At least Bentham wasn't _nearly_ that bad…" I groaned.

"Ugh… hey, Chopper, do you think you could apply some bleach to my brain to get rid of that image?" Zoro groused.

"I've been working on a formula since we met the Saruyama Alliance. Unless anyone has any objections, I'll dump the working prototype in tonight's dinner." Chopper shuddered. "Granted, we'll all have blood coming out of our ears for a week, but I think that's a small price to pay."

"AGREED," the rest of the crew concurred.

"Ah, you don't need any of that!" Luffy said dismissively. "All I need to do is concentrate for a second and…"

We watched in concern as Luffy stared vacantly out into the distance.

"Uh, Luffy?" Nami asked after a few minutes.

"Oh, hey, Nami!" our captain replied. "What're we doing by the railing?" He glanced at Vivi, and his eyes bugged out. "Ah! Vivi, what happened to you?!"

We stared at the captain for a few seconds before sighing despondently. "I never thought I'd say this, but I envy Luffy's brain right now," Usopp groaned.

"You, me, and everyone else in the world with half a brain cell…" I concurred grimly before clapping my hands together. "For now, though… vow of silence?"

"Vow of silence," everyone else repeated.

**-o-**

And, of course, I took the time to throw out an SBS or two. Considering how often I'd been doing it, I elected to limit it to only once every couple of days. And the subjects thereof? Well, it seemed like I hadn't done enough of talking about the crew itself, and if Navarone showed anything, it was that common interests had a way of making allies.

**-o-**

Boa Hancock listened to the snail with a neutral expression as it spoke in a feminine voice.

" _One of the old sayings of my family is this. A king must not give into anger. But, should you find your anger to great to contain, you must ensure it is three things. Your anger must be cold; your anger must be controlled; and your anger must be_ _ **legendary**_ _."_

Hancock and her sisters nodded in approval. Then the speaker on the other end chuckled sheepishly.

" _But I have to admit, I'm still working on one of those three facets, but—"_

" _PUWW ME UP, YOU MOWONS! GET ME OFFA THIS FISHING POLE!"_ came a somewhat far-off voice, followed by a growl.

" _Those idiots, how many times do I have to tell them…"_ Vivi snarled, her voice becoming quieter as she stomped away before suddenly spiking. " _GET HIM OFF OF THERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEADS OFF YOUR NECKS!"_

" _Make that_ two _facets…"_ Cross deadpanned.

Boa Hancock had learned the story of why Nefertari Vivi was sailing with the Straw Hats from Nyon when she delivered the snail, touching on the previous SBS broadcasts. Hearing her tale, Hancock couldn't help but feel some sympathy towards her, knowing better than anyone the cruelty of the World Government, and therefore the fate she was doomed to were she to be captured. And it was due to that, more than anything, that she did not take offense to her lectures on how royalty should act, much of which was contrary to her own actions.

Indeed, hearing what happened on the SBS was eye-opening for the Snake Princess.

"Sisters? I've decided that I will attempt to emulate Princess Nefertari Vivi in my rule from now on," she stated calmly, causing the two serpent-hybrids to look at her in equal parts incredulity and hope.

"R-Really, sister?" Marigold asked.

"I don't believe it, is this really happening?" Sandersonia clasped her hands reverentially.

"Yes," Hancock said, rising to her feet with her finger pointed in the air. "It is clear that until now, my fury has been substandard and my temper deplorably restrained! Henceforth, I, Boa Hancock, will strive to refine my rage to the point where it matches the force of a volcano, and the fury of a hurricane! If you will excuse me!" She started marching forwards. "I must practice."

With that, Hancock strode out of the throne room, leaving her sisters to remain frozen in horror as their worlds crumbled around them. Seconds later, a rather high-pitched ' _yipe!'_ reached their ears.

"Sister, could I recommend also being kinder to the animals? Princess Nefertari did lecture about abusing one's power," Sandersonia called after her hopefully.

"Hmph. I've never gone out of my way to cause pain to these mongrels; it's _hardly_ my fault that they're so foolish as to get in my way, is it?"

"She's hopeless," the two younger sisters murmured as they hung their heads despondently.

**-o-**

And so it went. We sailed on and on for weeks, enjoying a number of misadventures and escapades, each more daring and unique than the last.

It was... absolutely incredible.

Until one day, on a day like any other... it happened.

There was no warning, no chance to prepare, not even a _hint_ of what was to occur.

One second we were sailing along peacefully, not so much as a hint of trouble in sight...

_SPLASH!_

The next we were surrounded by a trio of massive, _literal_ Sea Monkeys.

I frowned grimly as Luffy made faces at the giggling Sea Kings, gripping the brim of my hat and tilting it down solemnly in order to hide a sidelong glance at Robin.

"Here we go…"

**Patient AN: For all of those wondering how we managed to pull off three updates in two days, let me ask you something: did any of you** _ **actually think**_ **that Ego and I were just sitting around writing nothing while Superego was on vacation? For the sole purpose of pulling off this** _ **beautiful**_ **display of trolling, we had Chapter 31 almost finished and Navarone's skeleton planned out by the time he got back. Took a week longer than we expected to do it, but it was well worth it, I'm sure.**

**Hornet AN: Ah, Italy. Gorgeous weather, beautiful countryside, delicious food… and some of the most narrow, windy roads ever traversed by a tour bus. Oh, I had such a great time there. And now, I return to you with over 75,000 words of story. Hooray!**

**Xomniac AN: And now we return to our usual posting schedule. And just in time for one of, if not** _ **the**_ **most harrowing and badass arc in all of One Piece. Hold onto your underwear, readers, we're ramming into Water 7 at full force!**


	3. Chapter 3

### Chapter 36: Chapter 34: Davy Back Fight! A Crew Member Is Lost, And A Crew Is Won!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Loyal fans, for those of you thinking that this chapter is late, let us pose this to you: what is our regular update schedule? The answer: once a week. And we already updated last week, didn't we?**

**Patient AN: Except it's not that simple. We really wish this WAS a simple matter of trolling, but it isn't. This past week was a lot more hectic than any of us expected; we're not happy that we missed our appointed time, and it's not on purpose.**

**Hornet AN: Work sucks and then the imploding economy kills your retirement.**

**Also, fuck Lebron James, fuck the Cavaliers, and fuck the city of Cleveland in general.**

**Xomniac AN: And college in general while we're at it, not letting me stay in my dorm and making me find somewhere new to stay…**

**Cross-Brain AN: Well, at least we have one bit of good news in our lives to deliver: as of Friday,** _**This Bites!** _ **has officially become the most popular Self-Insert fic in the One Piece fandom!**

"LAND HO!"

I was knocked from the book I'd been burying myself in by Luffy and Usopp's strident lecturing of Robin on the proper way to notify the crew that she'd seen an island. I took a second to get my bearings before smiling, standing up and picking up Soundbite. However, while I appeared calm on the outside, mentally I was the exact opposite, and had been for a while now.

My smile, fond though it was, belied the grim anticipation I felt; sure, it was nice to finally be near land, but the implications of our destination… those I couldn't shake.

Our course was _still_ unchangeably headed for an island infiltrated by no less than half of CP9. With any luck, Robin would be fully onboard once we arrived, so that we'd be able to start the inevitable conflict on our terms rather than theirs. But if she wasn't… then we were in for one _hell_ of a brawl.

Still, at least we had one advantage: until Robin arrived on Water 7, CP9's incognito members would continue to go about their days as though nothing were happening. Hence, with the global timeline 'paused' as it were, we had a resource on our hands we hadn't had in a long time: quite literally, _time._

Time to train, time to prepare, and most importantly of all, time to plan.

But I forced myself to push that issue away as I walked out onto the deck and gazed through the fog around us; pressing though the CP9 saga was, the memory of the remnants of the Fanged Toad Pirates and their sinking into the sea—which, I have to be honest, I couldn't regret; as disheartened as they were, if their first thought was to try robbing us, they weren't worth the effort to mourn—reminded me that we had to deal with the Foxy Pirates first.

I tented my fingers on the balcony as I considered our oncoming foes. For all that Foxy was something of a joke character, the truth was undeniable: he'd compensated for his own weakness by getting the Davy Back Fight down to an art. In a direct fight he was pathetic, but when he managed to get his way… well, simply put, he _had_ managed to survive long enough on the Grand Line to accumulate nearly 500 members for his crew, including fishmen and giants. No matter how you looked at it, Foxy was as paradoxically threatening as he was utterly pathetic.

"CROSS!"

I jumped in surprise as I was knocked clean out of my thoughts by Nami's voice before glancing to the side, where both she and Zoro were staring at me in equal parts worry and impatience. "Sorry, my thoughts were a mile away. What is it?"

"I asked if there's anything to worry about on this island," Nami replied before glancing at the island. "Though going by how you didn't answer me for a full minute, I'd call that question already answered."

I grimaced slightly before starting to tap the side of my head. "Eh… kind of. There are no indigenous threats; the local civilization isn't even around, for that matter. All that lives here are a bunch of abnormally tall or long animals, something about growing longer due to leisurely lifestyles or whatever. They're all laid back, so even the carnivores are barely even a threat. I suspect that this is the most peaceful island we'll find in the Grand Line."

"I'm hearing that 'but' like Soundbite's shouting it, Cross," Zoro deadpanned.

I stopped tapping and started pressing my finger against my temple. " _But_ it's a prelude. We're going to be meeting some people here. There'll be a group who'll be an annoying but decently tough fight…" I scowled as I dug my finger into forehead. "And after all that, there'll be one who will _stomp us_ into the ground."

Zoro and Nami tensed for a moment before Nami forced herself to relax marginally as she looked back at the shoreline. "Eh, I'm sure Luffy and the guys will be able to beat him."

"Don't count on it," I scowled grimly. "Picture a calmer, more world-savvy Eneru, minus the natural advantage that one of our crew had against him."

Zoro tapped his finger on the butt of Wado Ichimonji, not seeming to notice he was doing it. "Then how are we supposed to get out of this one alive?"

"Pure luck and Luffy's guts…" I shook my head grimly. " _After_ the guy effortlessly incapacitates Luffy."

_That_ got the two to stiffen in naked terror, while drawing a different reaction from a third observer.

"It would appear that the third time fighting a Logia _isn't_ the charm for our captain," remarked Robin in a would-be calm voice as she walked up on us out of nowhere.

It was a testament to my nerves that I didn't jump, instead biting my lip as I hoped to high heaven that she wouldn't ask the million Beri question. If I hesitated, chances were high that she'd guess the reason for it. Thankfully, however, she chose to keep her peace.

"Not in this case, it isn't…" I shook my head solemnly before clapping my hands. "But in any case, that will have to wait. That annoying group I mentioned does present a threat, but only if we let them gain momentum. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does…" I sighed and waved my hand dismissively. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it. For now, brace yourselves; the fourth leg of our journey starts now, and it's going to be one of the hardest parts we face this side of the Red Line."

That got them on their guard, sending Nami stalking off towards Usopp and Conis, presumably to check on the progress they'd made on our weapons, while Robin and Zoro stayed by me and watched as the island approached.

"…Fourth leg of our journey? How do you figure that, Cross?" Zoro asked.

"Eh, it's just the way I saw it," I shrugged. "The first leg was from when Luffy set out to when you guys left the East Blue, the second was from the start of the Grand Line to Alabasta, and the third was from the end of Alabasta until now. Some legs are longer than others, but all are significant in some way, shape or form."

"And how many of those do you know about, Cross?" Robin needled.

I looked upwards and spoke wordlessly to myself as I counted down on my fingers. Alright, let's see, the arcs were East Blue, Alabasta, Skypiea, Water 7/Enies, Thriller Bark, Marineford, Fishman Island, Punk Hazard and Dressrosa, though those last two were practically one and the same under the Pirate Alliance. Either way, it all totalled up to… "Eight, or therearound. My knowledge stops _right_ as we start getting into what will undoubtedly be the biggest shitstorm the world has seen in the last 700 years."

"Naturally," Robin said dryly.

"Hey, what do you want from me?" I shrugged. "I'm only human."

"Allegedly, anyway," Zoro scoffed.

I rolled my eyes and turned away in favor of observing Long Ring Long Land. As we arrived, I could see that it was, well… a plain-looking island. That is, the island was covered in grass and dotted with tall trees, and so it looked plain… because it _was_ a plain.

… Moving on. The Kiddy Trio shot overboard, as did Vivi and Carue. Everyone else stayed behind for one reason or another.

"Lassoo! Wanna go fox-hunting?" I called.

"Hey!" Su interrupted, an angry scowl on her face. "That's insulting to my heritage as a BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Both Lassoo, Soundbite, and I blinked as Su suddenly and without warning descended into a fit of laughter.

"Uh, Su?" I began.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA…! Oh, man, I nearly made it through that with a straight face," the cloud fox finally trailed off. "Nah, we foxes are all snarky little shits and we know it. Go on with whatever it was you were doing."

I shrugged and turned back to Lassoo. "So, about that invitation…"

The dog-gun's response was to eagerly bound up next to me and leap at my back, morphing into his gun-mode in mid-air and latching into the harness that Usopp had made for me a few days ago when I'd finally managed to start hefting Lassoo without strain.

" _HURF!"_

' _Or, well,'_ I corrected mentally as I strained under Lassoo's full weight. ' _Almost without strain…'_ Freaking hell, even a full ton lighter and he _still_ risked crushing me flat.

"You'd think having literally nothing but muscle would make this _easier_ , instead of setting me back by weeks," I remarked through gritted teeth.

"Look at it this way: at least you're actually capable of _walking,"_ Su commented airily from where she was perched on the Merry's railing. "That's more than most anyone who went through anything even remotely similar to what you did can say."

"… You have no idea just how accurate that statement is, Su," I deadpanned. I then turned back to my fellow officers. "Pass this on to everyone who stays behind: the group I mentioned will be here soon, but the captain is already on the island." I grimaced as I put my foot on the Merry's railing. "Hopefully, I can take him down before he can get Luffy to accept his challenge."

"Challenge?" Nami asked in confusion. "What challenge?"

I turned an eye towards the fog, and grimaced as I caught sight of a dark shadow just starting to loom. "The Davy Back Fight," I said sourly. "Ask Robin or Sanji to tell you what it is. Trust me, whatever they tell you, these guys have made it ten times _worse._ "

And with that parting comment, I leapt to the shore and started jogging after our captain, doctor, sniper, and duck-mounted diplomat as fast as my legs allowed.

**-o-**

"Good day, young man."

"Winston Churchill," I divined, giving the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaschund a respectful nod as I passed him by.

" **Yeah, I guess** _that accent's kinda_ UNMISTAKABLE," Soundbite admitted. " _ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT…_ _ **this?"**_

"Oh, 'scuse me," I apologized as I ducked under the elongated mass of a particularly large animal.

"Not a problem," the animal rumbled.

"Hm…" I tapped my chin. "Robin Williams? No, that doesn't make sense…" I glanced back at the animal as I tried to puzzle it out before finally managing to catch sight of its horns. "Oh! A buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose. Teddy Roosevelt then?"

"CORRECTAMUNDO!" Soundbite proclaimed.

"Good job compensating for a lack of an actual voice to go by."

" **Thanks, I'm** _ **quite proud of it. NOW… OH! OH!**_ _This should be GOOD!"_

"G'day, mate," a wide-snouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalligator greeted me quietly as he stalked after the buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose.

I instantly jerked to a halt and snapped my fist up. "HOLD IT!" I barked, causing everyone around me to freeze. "A moment of silence for the Hunter…"

Soundbite, the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeptile and I all bowed our heads reverentially for a second…

"Aaaand moving on." I dropped my fist and resumed tracking Carue's thankfully distinctive footprints. "And for the record, Soundbite? That was an elongated alligator, he was called _Crocodile_ Hunter."

" **Eh, I went in KNOWING IT** _WAS A gamble."_

I shrugged. As I continued following the footprints, I actually took the moment to appreciate the land. A sea of grass that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles… even the bizarre trees, stretched out like reflections from a funhouse mirror, couldn't impede the amazing scope of the situation. I mean, I had experienced farmlands like this a few times back home, but nothing like this. Honestly, it was all just… just—

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

" _ **LOOK OUT ABOVE!"**_

"Wha—?" I had barely enough time to glance up in confusion—

_WHAM!_

When I was suddenly pasted by a very heavy and, frankly, _very_ smelly projectile.

I took a second to lie on the ground as I tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened when said projectile suddenly sat up and started scratching the back of its head.

"Ah, back on solid ground at last…" Tonjit sighed in relief before shifting around. "Huh, it's softer than I remember."

"…I take it all back…" I growled out. "This place is a freaking tinderbox, and all I need is a match so that I can watch it _burn."_ I blinked as a thought occurred to me. "Holy crap, this must be how Nami feels pretty much all the time…"

"Cross!" Vivi called out as she and the rest of our unofficial away team crowded around me. "Are you alright?"

"Holy crap, the bamboo genie came out and crushed Cross!" Luffy exclaimed.

"A genie?" asked Chopper.

"Yeah! It's the thing that appears after you break the bamboo and—WHEGH!"

I glared at my captain as I forced him to hold his tongue—or rather, as I held it for him. "He's no genie, Luffy, and that wasn't… quite bamboo?" I glanced down at the stilts. Seriously, how the hell had he managed—? I hastily shook my head as I got myself back on track. "Anyway, what you just broke was the world's biggest pair of stilts, and this was the guy who was standing on top. For all I know, he may very well live in that house and be the owner of that horse. Now, if you'll excuse me…" I slowly tilted back…

_THUD!_

And landed in the _thankfully_ soft grass, although Lassoo being beneath me was marginally uncomfortable. "I'm just gonna lie here for a bit until my limbs stop aching…" I groaned.

"Uh… are you alright, Cross?" Vivi asked, leaning over me with a worried look.

"Cah'mon, Vivi," Carue huffed as he grabbed the back of Vivi's collar and yanked her away.

"He'll be fine, wet's just get outta hewe befowe whatevah madness he's gawt comin' catches up to him."

Tonjit, meanwhile, was blinking slowly before suddenly gasping and staring at me in shock. "Wait, young man, did you just say that there was a horse by that house over there?"

"…yes?" I asked slowly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Huh…" Tonjit slowly redirected his gaze at the house. "You know, I used to have a house and a horse…" He stared for a second longer before tilting his head. "What an odd coincidence…"

I slapped my hand to my face with a groan. "For the love of—! Eh, to hell with it. Who the hell'll ever believe him? HEY, SHELLY!"

A minute later, I was watching Tonjit ride around happily on his old companion with a somewhat bemused expression. "So…" I glanced at Soundbite. "Your reasoning?"

"EH, _**what can I**_ **SAY?"** Soundbite shrugged as much as he could. " _OLD,_ _ **MATRONLY**_ _and_ **kind?** _Who else but_ **McGonagall?"**

"Heh, fair enough…" I watched the two of them for a few more seconds, and had to admit that it was a beautiful sight even considering that he had fallen on me. And not one that I wanted to see interrupted the hard way, that was for sure. "Are Foxy and his goons nearby yet?"

" **Chica** _ **AND**_ _BONNIE?_ " Soundbite asked cheekily.

"…That's more accurate than I'd like to admit. Still though?"

" _Eeehhh…"_ Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks. " **Yeeaaah, there they IS THAT A** _ **GUN!?"**_

"Yeah, that's them," I scowled grimly. "Alright, Soundbite, blow their brains out."

One second's pause, then Soundbite's eyes widened in horror. " **WAX!** _ **How did they**_ _ALREADY KNOW!?"_

I didn't spare any thought to answering the question, instead scrambling to a kneel and twisting my harness so that Lassoo was perched on my shoulder. "Which way are they!?"

"TWENTY DEGREES _WIDDERSHINS!"_

I gave the gastropod an acrid scowl. "Does it _look_ like we're riding on four elephants and a freaking turtle!?"

" _AH…"_ Soundbite flinched self-consciously. " **MAKE THAT** _ **starboard?"**_

I jerked Lassoo's barrel to the side.

" _ **FIRE!"**_

"CANI-PLASTER!" I roared as I pulled Lassoo's trigger.

BOOM! _SPLAT!_

" _AGH! PTOOH! WHAT ZE HECK!"_

I breathed a sigh of relief before dropping Lassoo down so that he could morph into his hybrid form while I stood up fully and stalked towards the tar-soaked trio. Thankfully, going by the fact that Tonjit was looking over at us in confusion atop a yet-uninjured Shelly, it looked like I had actually managed to beat them to the shot. Well, that was step one taken care of. Now, to keep them from actually managing to challenge Luffy.

I plastered the most murderous expression on my face as I could manage as I stalked up to them, cocking Lassoo menacingly. " _That_ was Cani-Plaster," I announced. "Unless you three want to see how well that particular attack synergizes with Cani- _Palm—"_

Lassoo's body promptly clicked, and he breathed out a tongue of _fire_ , courtesy of the Flame Dial Usopp had recently finished installing in one of his chambers.

"—I suggest that you all _back the heck off!"_

Lassoo capped it all off with a savage growl, which I was gratified to see made the opposing crew flinch back.

"Hey, what was that for, Cross?!" Vivi demanded, approaching me rapidly on duckback, Chopper in Walk Point alongside her and Luffy and Usopp close behind them.

"INDEED!" the split-headed pirate snarled in a heavy Italian accent as he struggled to wipe the tar off. "What ze hell did I do to deserve this!?"

" _ **YOU MEAN**_ **BESIDES THE FACT** _that you were about to SHOOT SHELLY!?"_ Soundbite snarled viciously.

"He was _what!?"_ Chopper roared as he snapped into his Heavy Point and loomed over the suddenly fearful slow-man, only for the much bigger gorilla-man Hamburg to square off and butt heads with him.

"Stay away from the boss, furball," he growled, more serious than I thought was possible from him.

"Who are these guys, Cross?" Usopp asked, nervously fingering his slingshot.

"Who am I?!" Foxy demanded incredulously. "You actually don't recognize me?"

"It's probably just the tar, boss," Porche consoled him. Foxy nodded to that, and then straightened.

"Well, in that case, I suppose I'll introduce myself!" he said with a smug pose. "I am Foxy the Silver Fox, ฿24 million bounty, Captain of the Foxy Pirates! I am the man who always gets what he wants!"

I slowly lessened my glare in favor of a disbelieving look. "Only ฿24 million, in the _Grand Line?_ Eesh, and I thought you were pathetic before."

Foxy promptly collapsed into a teary heap, a stormcloud-like air of depression hovering over him. "Pathetic?" he moaned.

"Pupupupu!" Hamburg hunched over with a snicker.

"QUIT IT, HAMBURG!" Porche snarled at him before patting her captain's shoulder comfortingly. "Aw, c'mon, Boss, it's not _that_ bad! I mean, he _has_ heard of you before, right?"

Foxy started to perk up—

"God knows I wish I _didn't."_

Until I threw in my own two cents.

" _I WILL LODGE MY BATON IN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT!"_ the Foxy Pirates' diva promised.

"Why were you trying to shoot Shelly?" Luffy cut in with a frown before I could respond.

Unfortunately, _that_ question managed to snap Foxy out of his funk, prompting him to leap to his feet and jab his thumb at himself as he gave the definition of a shit-eating grin. "Because I felt like it, of course," he drawled. "I don't care about such a worthless horse, I was just going to shoot it for fun."

I felt my eye twitch at the sheer _wrongness_ of that statement. "Permission to cleanse the world of this scum, Captain?" I growled, prompting Lassoo to snarl out some flames again.

"H-Hold it right there, Straw Hat Pirates!" Foxy barked.

"Wha—? How do you know who we are?" Luffy demanded.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. "The SBS, Luffy. It'd be more of a surprise if they _didn't_ know who we were."

"Oooooh, alright," Luffy nodded in understanding.

"And what right do you have to call us scum, anyway?" Porche demanded. "You're pirates just as much as we are. This is just what pirates do!"

I _would_ have gotten pissed at that particular statement if my blood didn't suddenly freeze on account of the feeling of raw, primal _terror_ that Luffy's sudden rage elicited. "SAY THAT AGAIN!" he bellowed as he took a menacing step forwards.

"HOLD IT, STRAW HAT!" Foxy snapped his hand up, temporarily forestalling Luffy's advance. "We're not here to fight! Rather…" The splithead dove his hands into his pocket and when he withdrew them, he was clutching a trio of coins with one while the other tossed a pistol at Luffy. "WE ARE HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE-ROUND DAVY BACK FIGHT!"

All the anger in Luffy seemed to deflate out of him, replaced by confusion, while Usopp, Vivi and Carue's expressions slowly began to contort in realization and horror. "A Davy—?"

"There are pirates who still play that in the Grand Line!?" Vivi gasped in horror.

"CWAP!" Carue squawked in agreement.

"DON'T DO IT, LUFFY!" Usopp begged desperately. "IF WE PLAY THAT GAME, THEN WE COULD LOSE OUR FRIENDS!"

"He's right, Luffy, this game—!" I started to cut in.

"Will there be a Captain's Fight?" Luffy asked, all traces of his usual good cheer completely gone as he pinned Foxy with a vicious glare.

I froze as the question caught me _completely_ flat-footed. "Wai— _What!?"_ I yelped in confusion.

"But of course." Foxy's sneer widened significantly. "After all, it's only traditional."

Luffy promptly aimed the pistol skyward. "Then I'm in."

"Nonono, Luffy, _wai—!"_

"Then let the Davy Back Fight," Foxy barked victoriously as he whipped out his own pistol and mirrored Luffy. "COMMENCE!"

_BANG!_

My heart dropped as both he and Luffy discharged their pistols, thus irreversibly sealing our fates. The horror lasted only for a moment before I took the appropriate course of action, Vivi and Usopp both mirroring my movements.

"YOU IDIOT!" we yelled, slamming our fists into his head with enough force to bury it in the ground. I then grasped my fist with my other hand as it processed the pain as though I had punched iron rather than rubber.

"Gah… Usopp, what's the status on my new armor?" I grit out.

"You know, I _was_ going to have it finished in a day, but I think I'll make it my top priority in light of this," Usopp grumbled as Luffy tried to unstick his head.

"Fehfehfehfehfeh!" Foxy cackled. "This should bolster our crew quite nicely, I'd say."

"Don't count on it, split-head," I growled, causing Foxy to sink back into depression. At that moment, Luffy freed his head, and looked at our expressions.

"What is it, you guys?" he asked obliviously.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Soundbite? Gastro-Scramble."

" _Roger roger,_ " he returned before static filled the air. The next instant, I began tearing into Luffy.

"YOU COMPLETE IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY?! DAVY BACK FIGHTS FORCE CAPTAINS TO GAMBLE THEIR CREWS! EVERY GAME WE LOSE, ONE OF OUR CREWMATES GETS STOLEN!" I roared.

Luffy frowned up at me. "Yeah, I already knew that."

"YOU—!" I started to snarl before freezing as I processed his words. "Wait, you _what!?"_

"I know what a Davy Back Fight is," Luffy repeated casually. "Shanks told me about 'em back in my home town. There's some bits I don't remember that well, but I know what it's all about."

My rage was subdued for the moment as part of my mind blanked, trying desperately to process what I was hearing. "But-But in the story—!?"

"Weeell…" Luffy scratched the side of his head with a smile. "You keep saying I should use my brain more, so I've been trying to do that. One of the things I've been doing is trying to remember anything Gramps and Shanks told me about the Grand Line."

My jaw dropped open as a wave of horror crashed down over me, but then I froze as I felt a number of murderous gazes drilling into me. I hastily swung around and waved my hands at my _very_ pissed off crewmates. "Hey hey _hey,_ don't blame me! How could I have _possibly_ seen this coming?! In what _possible_ way could I have predicted that a smarter Luffy would have been a _worse_ Luffy!?"

" **You mean besides** _EVERY MARY-SUE FIC_ _ **ever?"**_ Soundbite muttered sarcastically.

" _That is a literary issue,_ not _a realistic one!"_ I hissed back, then turned my attention back to Luffy. "Anyway, you _really_ misjudged things this time! Think about it, Luffy: Foxy _knew_ who we were, he's been _listening_ to the SBS, so he knows what you're capable of, and yet he _willingly_ challenged us, even in _spite_ of the fact that you _specifically_ asked for a direct fight with him! Do you know why he'd do that?"

Luffy blinked in confusion. "Ah… because he's an idiot?"

"That's a given, but _no,"_ I growled darkly. "He challenged us because he's got more up his sleeves than mere brawn. Luffy, the Foxy Pirates are _tricksters._ They've mastered the Davy Back Fight and come up with a million and one different ways of forcibly tipping the odds in their own favor. This isn't a battle we can win with might, but rather with wits, and they have _way_ more practice at it than we do!"

Vivi paled in horror. "T-That's _really_ not a good thing, Luffy! Baroque Works used to pull the exact same thing in order to forcibly gain recruits!" She cast a wary glance at a patiently waiting Foxy. "And if these guys have even more practice at it…"

"So, you see, Luffy," I growled darkly. "You've managed to hold us above a barrel here, which only begs _one_ question: what the hell made you think it was even remotely worth it to accept his challenge?"

Luffy stared up at us silently for a moment before bowing his head and tilting his hat down over his eyes. "… Because I remember that Shanks said that the Davy Back Fight usually ends with a fight between the captains of the two crews…"

Luffy suddenly glanced up, and the look in his eyes… well, any protests that I had died then and there. "And I want to kick that bastard's ass for pretending to be a pirate!"

We stared at him, the fire in his eyes blazing for a few more seconds before he grinned. "Besides, you guys are my crew! I know you can handle it!" he said cheerfully.

I sighed, unable to keep myself from smiling. "One compliment, and he has us hook, line, and sinker," I groused.

"Yep," chorused everyone else.

"Alright…" I scratched my head for a moment before glancing at Luffy. "Captain, permission to tell the crew what to expect? I mean, one slip-up here, and the consequences are worse than death."

"Huh? Uh… OK, Cross, go ahead," Luffy conceded with a frown. "But don't tell me anything about split-head unless you _really_ think I have to know it."

"Nah, you'll find out the only dangerous thing he has up his sleeve long before you fight him," I waved him off. I then directed a glare at Foxy, who was staring at us with clear impatience at being unable to hear our conversation. "For now… let's get back to the Merry and get this shitshow started. We've got some planning to take care of." I then tensed as a horrific realization hit me like a rock. "And… a storm to weather."

**-o-**

When we returned to the Merry, I had explained the situation, and with the fact that they knew about the Davy Back Fight _and_ the fact that Foxy's crew was worse, it went without saying that Nami subsequently raged at Luffy. And by 'raged', I mean 'whipped up a miniature Category 5 Typhoon on the coast of Long Ring Long Island from scratch'… though thankfully, she'd withheld her unholy wrath until _after_ I'd finished explaining the ins and outs of the ordeal we were in for.

And _that_ had not been an easy conversation to have. Needless to say, Zoro and Sanji being told that they had to work together caused no end of frustration, but the potential threat of losing one of the ladies or, as in canon, Chopper was enough for them to agree to work together from the game's start to its end. As for the Donut Race, Nami staying onboard was non-negotiable due to the Long Cape's whirlpools, but as for the rest of the crew, I had a few ideas she was rather more amenable to.

Which brought me to the present, where I was standing beside Itomimizu of the Foxy Pirates on the central stage, he and Foxy both eagerly allowing me to join in emceeing the proceedings. Proceedings which were currently being delayed because of the, to reiterate, _miniature typhoon_ that was going to town on the captain of my crew. And may I just add that she was using her Clima-Tact _before_ it could be called more than Semi-Perfect?

"You know, your SBS _really_ doesn't do justice for how scary that woman is," my fellow announcer murmured fearfully.

"You think that _this_ is bad?" I scoffed. "Please, you're watching from the sideline. Trust me, she's a _lot_ worse when she's bearing down on you directly."

Itomimizu started to nod, before hastily dropping to the ground as a ballistic Luffy tore through the space where his torso had been a moment earlier. "…I'll take your word for it," he whimpered.

"Finally!" Foxy barked, grabbing Luffy and standing him up properly. "Geeze, how do you lunatics get anything done!?"

"Very patiently," I sneered.

"Hmph," the fox-themed pirate snorted before waving his hand. "Well, my patience is at an end. Let's get this show on the road!"

I gave Luffy a pleading look. "Do I _have_ to?"

"Shishishi! Heck yeah!" Luffy said, grinning like a… well, a D. "This is gonna be fun! No reason the world should miss out, right?"

I rolled my eyes, my mouth a thin line. "Right, 'fun'. That's one word for it…" Nevertheless, despite my attitude, I jerked the transceiver mike out of its cradle and started ticking down fingers. "Alright, in five, four, three, two and we are _live!"_ I promptly flipped my mood so that it was much cheerier. "Hello, world! Once again, it's that _special_ time! Time for me—!"

"TO START THE SBS!"

"GAH!" I leapt almost three feet off the ground at the sudden amplified voice before spinning around to catch sight of Itomimizu and his own snail snickering behind me.

"I've always wanted to do that!" the big-mouthed announcer laughed.

I ground my teeth as I clawed my hand down my face. "Why does the world seem determined to stop me from starting the SBS?!" I demanded.

"WHY _does_ _ **the world seem DETERMINED**_ **to stop me from** _STOPPING CROSS FROM_ **STARTING THE SBS?!"** Soundbite barked with as much heat.

"Honestly? Because it's fun!" he grinned carelessly.

I glared at him for a second before blowing out an exasperated sigh. "Viewers, allow me to introduce you to my fellow emcee for this broadcast. Uh, how do you say your name again?"

"Itomimizu," he said tiredly, clearly having had to correct that multiple times. "Announcer and commentator for the Foxy Pirates. Hello, world! I'm honored to say that this is the largest audience I've ever had the chance to speak to!" He capped it off with a bow.

"And why does he have this chance? Because due to a _deplorable and utterly unwarranted_ offense on the part of the Foxy Pirates' Captain, Foxy the Silver Fox—" I cast a glower at the split-head, to which he responded with a sneer. "—our captain has accepted the challenge of a three-round Davy Back Fight. For those unaware, this is a game designed for pirates and by pirates to strengthen their crews. Three basic rules apply: after each round, the winning crew's captain gets to select one member from the opposing crew to join theirs, or else take their Jolly Roger, and while this might not _seem_ so bad, one must remember that the Jolly Roger is the pride of a ship: if it is lost, then that symbol may never be flown again. And finally, any lost crewmates or flags can be reclaimed _only_ through a Davy Back Fight or through some form of exorbitant circumstances, though those are few and far between.

"I should clarify right now that our captain accepted this for two reasons: to get back at Foxy for the aforementioned offense, and because he has complete faith in his crew—

" **THAT'S US!"** Soundbite piped up.

"—to get through these challenges. And, well…" I let myself smile. "How could we object to a show of faith like that?" I promptly dropped my smile into a scowl. "Though honestly, I _really_ wish he'd just chosen to beat the split-head's face in then and there." I was gratified to see that my comment sent Foxy spiralling to his knees in misery. "This game is _still_ a hell of a risk, and because we're staking our pride on it, that means that if we get taken, either we stick with these bastards until the end or we butt out of the pirate life _forever,_ and I don't know which is worse! I mean, c'mon!" I waved my hand desperately. "Who the _hell_ thought that this game was a good idea anyways!?"

"I'D LIKE _to know that—Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **too!**_ **OOH,** _ **LUCKY US!**_ _WE'RE GETTING AN ANSWER NOW!"_

"Or maybe it's just someone calling in to insult us. Either way, you're live on the SBS!"

" _Gurararara, glad to be here,"_ boomed a chuckle on the other end that I _instantly_ recognized. My entire body froze up, and I noticed that a significant portion of onlookers—Zoro, Sanji, and Robin included—seemed petrified in shock.

" _Now, then, let me educate you, brat,"_ the voice on the other end stated. " _The Back Fight was started so that the stronger pirates in the world could bolster their crews without active bloodshed, and it's been in use for decades, even before Roger got his crown. And nowadays, Linlin and Kaido tend to use it in place of open warfare, both so as to avoid ripping the New World to shreds and so that neither of them is left vulnerable for the Marines and Warlords. Of course, considering the sheer scales of their operations, they stake whole crews at a time instead of just one person. Personally, I'd rather die than risk losing one of my sons, no matter how confident I am in their capabilities, and that Red-Haired brat is the same. But even though I don't play it, I can appreciate an alternative to just blowing each other's brains out. Got it?"_

"…Yeah, that… that makes sense," I croaked weakly, only just managing to get my voice to work.

" _Gurarararara! I thought you were bolder than this, brat. You didn't hesitate to provoke a Warlord, or to insult my alcohol tolerance. What happened to all that bravado?"_

My gut slowly began to boil as a manic grin spread across my face. "Fine, then. You want bravado, old man? How's thi— _MMPH!"_ I was cut off by a disembodied hand clamping over my mouth.

A glance at Robin showed her to be mouthing ' _I will_ end _you,'_ with the utmost sincerity.

"Mmph…" I grumbled for a second before nodding, prompting her to release me. "Tsk. Apparently my crewmates don't _appreciate_ the value of impressing someone like you. Well, if nothing else, let me say this: thanks for what you did for…" I trailed off, unable to find a way to say it without giving too much away. "Look, you're a smart man and I'm sure he never shut up about the lovable moron, so I trust you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he was in a dark place and you gave him something he was looking for his entire life, and I…" I glanced at Luffy, who promptly smiled and nodded eagerly. "And _we_ really appreciate it."

" _Gurararara. It's my pleasure, I assure you. By the way, I have a message for you as well. Or at least, to be delivered through your broadcast."_

I started to utter my agreement, before freezing as a thought struck me, followed by another scowl. At this rate, I was going to have frown lines at thirty. "Considering how this broadcast is truly global and I'm _certain_ that _he_ would never miss it for the world? Better make that _two_ messages."

"… _feh, who the hell says you aren't smart, brat._ _Alright, then… First, to my idiot wayward son… it doesn't matter to me what you do or when you come back, only that you do so alive."_ He let it hang there, and Luffy's grin could have split his face. Then the man on the other end spoke again. " _And_ you."

Shudders came from the entire crowd; that one word carried the message perfectly clearly. A few seconds of perfect silence followed.

" _Well, I've said enough. But one more thing: Monkey D. Luffy. I heard once that the chances of you accepting an invitation to become one of my sons was as likely as me swearing off alcohol. Why would that be?"_

"Shishishi! That's easy: because I can't have a captain! After all, being the King of the Pirates means being on top!" he declared with perfect certainty.

I allowed a goofy grin to spread over my face for a second. Man, it didn't matter how many times he said it, but that wave of _fact_ just never ever got old.

"… _GURARARARARA!"_ the man talking through the snail bellowed. " _Cheeky brat… but if you didn't have enough conviction to say it to me, much less the rest of the world, then you may as well have just given up now."_ He grinned. " _See you in the New World."_

"See you there, old man!" Luffy chortled. Then, as Soundbite let out a ' _KA-LICK!',_ the most interesting caller the SBS had had to date disconnected.

"… I chose the right man to follow as my captain," Zoro said with a bestial grin.

"I both agree and _vehemently_ beg to differ, Roronoa," Robin breathed numbly.

"… I never thought I'd see the day where I'd agree with Mosshead over Robin-chwan, but here it is," Sanji said, swiftly incinerating a cigarette to calm his nerves.

Foxy, for his part, was doing his best impression of an ice sculpture: pale as a ghost and completely unmoving. I smirked smugly before speaking loudly and clearly. "What's the matter, Foxy? Do you _not_ have enough conviction to outright challenge Edward ' _How the heck is he not a D.'_ Newgate? Or, as the world better knows him… _Whitebeard?"_

Every single member of the crews that had not realized who was speaking then reacted accordingly. Several members fainted, some going as far as foaming at the mouth, others settled for letting their jaws dropping to the ground in shock, and the vast majority belted out particularly boisterous ' _WHAT!'s._

Conis, for her part, looked at a yet-shellshocked Nami. "Is he meant to be important?"

Nami snapped her gaze to Conis in shock. "How do you not—!?" She cut herself off with a slap to her forehead. "Right, cultural segregation. Whitebeard is one of the four most powerful people on the planet; he is to us what Eneru was to you."

_That_ got Conis to pale in terror, while Su sniffed carelessly. "He didn't seem _that_ impressive."

_"Care to repeat that, furball?"_

"AGH!" Su yowled as she latched herself onto Conis's shoulder. "I'm so sorry Mister Whitebeard sir please don't—huh?" She cut herself off before snarling and glaring daggers at a cackling Soundbite. "OH, SCREW YOU, SLIMEBALL!"

" _SCREW_ YOU, **FURBALL,** _ **that was funny!"**_ Soundbite howled. I would have voiced my agreement with the gastropod, but I was too busy pounding the ground laughing my own head off.

"Hey, split-head! Hellooooo?" Luffy said, waving his hand in the petrified fox's face. He remained unresponsive.

Slowly getting to my feet, I sighed, securing my headphones over my ears. "Foxy seems to have been literally stunned with shock. Well, only one thing for it, then; we can't keep everyone waiting for too long. Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I would recommend covering your ears. This is gonna hurt."

I waited for all of one second before pressing the button.

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

I snickered at the chorus of agonized cries that arose in response to the blare. "I love this thing…"

" _WE KNOW!"_ the whole of the crowd roared furiously.

Despite everyone's indignancy, the foghorn had done its job, and Foxy was looking every which way before his eyes settled on me, and he frowned. I, however, spoke before he could. "Now, if you're done playing a statue, can we get this started?" I demanded.

Foxy leveled a glare at me for a minute longer before huffing and folding his arms. "Yes, we've delayed this long enough. Itomimizu!" he called, pronouncing the name flawlessly.

"Aye-aye, Captain!" The big-mouth snapped up a salute before addressing the mic I was holding. "Alright! The captains will now vow to the three articles of defeat! First, any crewmates claimed by the game may _only_ be reclaimed through the game." He gave me a pointed look, which I responded to by sticking out my tongue in a _very_ mature manner. "Second, once a crewmate has been claimed, they must immediately swear their allegiance to their new captain! And third, a stolen flag may never be displayed again unless reclaimed through the game! Those who disobey these rules will forevermore be viewed as disgraces to piracy, and will be sentenced to Davy Jones' locker for all eternity! And considering the size of our audience this time, that _really_ means something! So!" He shot a grin at our captains. "Do you so swear by these articles?"

Foxy grinned confidently. "I swear."

I gave Luffy a final pleading look. Luffy, in turn, gave me a cocky thumbs-up before shooting his fist in the air. "I swear!"

I sighed in defeat as the Foxy's crew cheered victoriously before shrugging and grinning in a bittersweet manner. "Well, in for a beri, in for them all. Might as well go whole hog!" I dug around in my pocket for a second before drawing out three ฿1 coins and holding them up for all to see. "As in accordance with tradition, I hereby dedicate these coins, and thus this three coin game—" I flung my arm out, tossing the coins into the churning surf. "—TO DAVY JONES! LET THE DAVY BACK FIGHT _COMMENCE!"_

"That's the spirit, Cross!" Luffy grinned. I sighed, smiling, before walking back to the rest of our crew with Luffy.

"Why, exactly, do you deem it a good idea to throw money away?" Nami asked as soon as I was in earshot, glowering at me.

"Why, exactly, do you deem it worth noting that I threw away ฿3 when we have a couple billion on the Merry?" I countered.

She grimaced for a few more seconds before sighing in defeat. "Point taken." She then proceeded to cave Luffy's face in once more for good measure before storming off. The rest of the crew locked eyes with me before nodding and walking off, pointedly in any direction but _towards_ Nami.

As I walked, I smirked; Foxy may have had every dirty trick in the book up his sleeve to push the rules to the breaking point, but a bit of warning on my part was all that the crew needed to combat the worst of it. I wasn't above suspicion that they might do things differently than they had in the story, but the three games were the same, and that was enough. For all that I dreaded this, I knew that we would win.

It was with those cheery thoughts that I walked towards Itomimizu, who was preparing to mount his bird. "Say, can he support both of us?"

"Hmm? Oh! Um… can you, Chuchun?"

The bird nodded. "Chi—should be able to—huh?!" He whipped his wings to his beak with a squawk.

I raised an eyebrow at Soundbite. "Al Roker?"

" _He's_ _ **helping to**_ REPORT, **right?"**

I shrugged. "Eh, fair enough. Well, Chuchun, I hope you enjoy being able to speak for the duration of this game."

The bird looked like his birthday had come early. "Thanks, guys! I'll never eat a snail again!"

"You have _no_ idea how much of a relief that is…" the snail at Itomimizu's side muttered.

"Transponder Snails don't count and you know it, Chubby!"

" **HEY!"** Soundbite barked.

"Actually, that _is_ what I call him," Itomimizu confirmed.

"And I do tend to pig out on the pudding," Chubby admitted.

" _Withdrawn…_ _ **for now."**_

"Well, anyway!" Chuchun flapped his wings. "If there's nothing else to discuss, then let's get to it!"

Soundbite and I grinned in synch as I mounted Chuchun, taking care that Soundbite and my bag were secure before the bird took to the sky.

And I have to admit, I lost a lot of my anxiety for the next few minutes while circling around, waiting for the Donut Race to begin. I mean, I was _flying_ , for crying out loud, in a way that actually let me take in the sights below without zooming past them! Seeing the world from this high up? It was enough to make me consider—and I mean _seriously_ consider, taking into account the resources we had on hand—asking Usopp to try building a jetpack.

Ultimately, however, I decided that it would be best to shelve the idea. While Usopp's inventing streak so far _was_ holding up pretty well, I didn't want to risk falling within that 1% of error. And besides, we'd be meeting up with someone a lot more capable of developing that particular innovation sooner rather than later.

Alas, however, my enjoyment came to an abrupt end as Itomimizu began speaking again. "Alright, everyone! Round One of the Davy Back Fight is the obstacle boat race around the island, known as the Donut Race! Both teams have received two oars and three barrels with which to construct their vessels. The materials are completely identical and have been inspected by both crews, so each boat's performance is guaranteed to depend entirely upon the skills of the teams and their crew's shipwrights! The teams and their boats are ready and waiting at the starting line, so let's introduce them!"

"Right," I nodded in agreement. "On the Straw Hat Pirates' team, we have our navigator Nami, mistress of all things weather-based; one of our five ship's guards Raphey, the sai-wielding Kung Fu Dugong lad-ette; and our gunner Conis, the bazooka-wielder from the sky! And their boat's name is… the Barrel Tigress!"

"GIRL POWER!" Raphey cheered, pumping her fist in the air as she balanced on the lip of her vessel.

"I'd feel a _lot_ more confident if this thing didn't feel like it was about to come apart under us…" Nami muttered darkly as she rapped her fist on a seam in the boat.

"Sorry, but Usopp and I only had a few minutes to set this up, and my father and I only rarely worked on Wavers, so it was new territory for me," Conis apologized from the back of the boat, which was mostly occupied by the Flame Bazooka she was carrying.

"And on the Foxy Pirates' team," Itomimizu continued. "Is our crew's diva and co-first-mate, Porche! Accompanying her are Capote the billfish fishman and Monda the star shark! Their ship is the Cutie Wagon!"

Porche responded to the resulting cheers by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving eagerly, while Monda and Capote flexed and grandstanded proudly.

"Personally, I might call it unfair that they've got a fishman and a shark on their team, but considering that we've got an amphibian on ours? Yeah, no room to complain."

"NOT TO MENTION _an angel AND_ _ **a demon!"**_ Soundbite put in.

"I WILL GUT YOU, SNAIL!" Nami roared up at us.

"HA! All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights, so long as it doesn't go outside the rules!" my fellow announcer said cheerfully. "And on that note, with both ships at the starting line, let me state just what those rules are! All you need to do is circle the island once; the first ship to make it back to the starting line wins! Beyond that, anything goes; guns, swords, cannons, and all other weapons are allowed! If you don't like it, then you shouldn't be pirates!" He then tossed a pair of objects down towards the ships. "Here! Use these Eternal Poses so you don't get lost!"

Porche and Nami caught the poses easily, and both vessels prepared to go, with Raphey standing ready on the prow of the Barrel Tigress and Monda eagerly swishing his tail in place.

"And if you're wondering just _why_ they'll need those Poses when they just need to circle the island, you'll find out in a moment," I provided with a smirk. "But for now, it's time to start! Racers! On your marks!"

"Get set…" Itomimizu said, raising a pistol.

" _Gastro-Scramble,"_ I breathed with a smirk that Soundbite mirrored precisely.

"DONUT!"

The pistol fired, and it echoed everywhere beneath… _except_ to the Foxy Pirates waiting on the coastline with weapons at the ready. Before they knew what hit them, the majority of our crew fell on them like a ton of bricks, beating them all bloody before they could fire so much as a shot.

However, just because the Foxy's were out of commission didn't mean that _all_ projectiles were left unfired.

The second the pistol shot rang out, Raphey leapt at the Cutie Wagon like a bat out of hell, flinging a sai at Monda's harness. "SPEAR OF ST. GEORGE!"

Porche recoiled in terror as the weapon neatly severed the towrope tying the shark to her vessel. "What the—!?"

"EAT SHELL, YOU TRAP-JAWED—!" _THWACK!_ "GAH!" Raphey's battle cry was cut short as she was tackled out of the air before she could successfully make contact with the terrified star shark.

"Nice try, little dugong," Capote sneered at the patch of bubbles that marked where he'd swatted Raphey into the water. "But this is the Grand Line, not the backwater estuary you grew up in. You might be big stuff back home, but out here, you're _no—"_

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!?"

_CRACK!_

"GAH!" Capote was slammed off of his crew's vessel by Raphey rocketing out of the water directly beneath him and slamming her armored skull into his _far_ less well-protected nose.

The pink-bandanna'd dugong snorted darkly as she wrenched her sai out of the wood of the Cutie Wagon. "Talk is cheap, needlenose." She held her weapons at ready. "Come at me."

A moment of silence, two…

_SPLASH!_

Then Raphey only just barely managed to catch a point-blank punch from the enraged fishman with her sais.

The dugong struggled to hold Capote at bay for a second before snapping a look back at the Tigress. "GO! THIS BASTARD'S _MINE!"_ And with that, the aquatic martial-artists dove beneath the waves and continued their clash out of sight in their natural domain.

"Conis!" Nami barked at the gunner.

Conis' nervous demeanor promptly evaporated. In one smooth motion, she hoisted her bazooka off of her back, lowered the muzzle to the edge of the waterline and pulled the triggers. The gas came out first, and then—

_WHOOSH!_

A jet of blue flame rocketed the Barrel Tigress down the coast.

Foxy stared numbly after them for a second before pulling out a megaphone and roaring at his crew's representative. "PORCHE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME AND GET A MOVE ON ALREADY! IF WE LOSE THIS, I'M SLICING YOUR COSMETIC BUDGET IN _HALF!_ "

The stunned baton-wielder promptly snapped out of her funk with an enraged howl. "NOBODY JEOPARDIZES MY BEAUTY!" She promptly flung a chain-linked bit at Monda, who grabbed it out of the air. "DOUBLETIME, MONDA, _NOW!"_

The shark snorted in agreement and promptly started tearing through the surf, somehow managing to keep easy pace with the Barrel Tigress.

"Aaaaand they're off!" I crowed, the effect amplified with Soundbite's assistance. "The shark-towed Cutie Wagon and the bazooka-powered Barrel Tigress are tearing off down the coast, although both vessels are a man down due to Raphey and Capote getting into an aqua-Martial Arts brawl right at the starting line!"

"Yeeesss…" Itomimizu drew the word out slowly as he glanced at me. "That start was really something. It's almost as if you constructed that team _knowing_ who we'd have on ours."

"Yeah, how could _that_ ever happen?" I drawled impishly. "I mean, it's not like we could have been listening in on your strategy meetings. _Oh, wait!"_

" _All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"_ Soundbite echoed with a cackle.

"Well, can't argue with that!" Itomimizu waved us off. "Anyway, the two teams are neck and neck! Both of them are moving faster than I've ever seen for the Donut Race, they're already a quarter of the way around the island!"

"As it stands, the Barrel Tigress is ahead… but somehow the Cutie Wagon is keeping pace!?" I blinked in shock as I took in the nonsensical sight before me. "The heck? How is a relatively small shark keeping pace with a boat powered by an outboard-thruster!?"

The wide-mouthed announcer snickered at my reaction. "Yeah, Monda might be small, but his species is known by another name: shooting star sharks! They're some of the fastest sharks in the ocean, and without Capote's weight to hold him back, he's really showing his stuff!

"Well… I can't say that I'm not impressed," I reluctantly admitted.

And indeed, it was quite the impressive race. Within mere minutes, both barrel boats had reached the halfway point and were heading into the whirlpools.

"Incredible!" Itomimizu cheered. "This is one of the most intense Donut Races I've ever seen! Already the contestants have reached the halfway point, and are heading into the whirlpools of the Long Coral Reef! They'll need to be extra careful navigating it, because the currents formed by that reef can be treacherous!"

I glanced at my fellow announcer. "You guys have been scoping out the playing field, huh?"

"But of course!" Chuchun nodded. "You should know more about gathering as much information as possible before a confrontation than anyone!"

"Eh, good point, good point," I conceded, tilting my head before smirking at the new developments going on below. "In fact, I think that that particular principle is coming into play right about now."

"Huh?" Itomimizu looked down at the race in confusion and proceeded to gasp in shock. "A shocking development! The Barrel Tigress's propulsion has just cut out, allowing the Cutie Wagon to pass them and enter the Reef! Perhaps they're having some mechanical issues?" His grin then proceeded to redouble… _somehow_. "And it looks like their troubles are only beginning! Here comes our Boss, Foxy the Silver Fox, no doubt bearing a genius plan through which to give us an edge!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that~!" I sang casually. I then blinked in surprise as I paid better attention to the captain of the Foxy Pirates. Or rather, his steed. "Though, wow, now that I think about it, that Hamburg guy he's riding on is _seriously_ moving. Is… Is he even _human?"_

"That's the multi-million beri question on our crew!" Itomimizu proclaimed before continuing in a normal tone. "No, seriously, _that's_ how big the ship's pool is, we have _literally_ no idea and neither the Boss nor Porche are answering, and _they're_ the only ones who know! You want in? The buy-in's only a few hundred beri."

" _I'll take_ **that action!"** Soundbite snickered.

"Let's put a pin in that for now," I interrupted as I kept my gaze focused down below. "Because quite honestly? It would appear that you and your crew have bigger concerns to worry about." I let a shark-like grin slide over my face. "Liiike the fact that the Cutie Wagon just shot out of the Reef like a cork from a bottle, while meanwhile the Barrel Tigress is once again firing on all cylinders?"

"WHAT!?" Ito and his bird squawked simultaneously as they stared downwards, where indeed Porche and Monda were trying to enter the reef, and failing miserably. Meanwhile, Conis's Flame Bazooka had flared back up and propelled the Barrel Tigress into a different section of the Reef. Of course, Foxy chose that exact instant to attempt to interfere by firing in an impressively powerful smoke bomb… which wound up doing precisely jack squat.

"W-What in the world!?" Itomimizu stammered as he watched the Tigress exit the cloud and effortlessly circumvent the towers of coral. "Somehow the Straw Hats' team is managing to sail through the Coral Reef without even a hint of trouble! How is this possible!?"

"Hehehe," I chuckled smugly as I stroked a nonexistent beard. "It appears that I must apologize, Itomimizu, for it would seem that my earlier comments were, shall we say, misleading? When the race started, I classified Nami as merely a mistress of weather, when in fact that statement is categorically untrue." I jabbed my finger at the sky in a triumphant manner. "Rather, our dear money-grubbing demon Nami is the absolute _ruler_ of _all_ things related to navigation as a whole, be they heaven, earth or sea! It would take more than a mere collection of _currents_ to put her off her game!"

" _DAMN STRAIGHT!"_ Nami cheered from below, aided by Soundbite.

Itomimizu's gaping jaw flapped uselessly for several seconds, quiet gurgling noises coming from his mouth. However, he managed to rally rather swiftly. "Well, while your navigator _is_ admittedly impressive, I'm afraid that her skills can only go so far! After all, it'll take more than mere wits to overcome an obstacle as daunting and deep as the Long Ring Whirlpool!"

And indeed, the Barrel Tigress was now rocketing towards the yawning (not to mention oddly shaped; seriously, the animals being laid back is one thing, but nature itself!?) abyss of the titanic whirlpool.

I, however, refused to lose even a trace of my smugness, instead shaking my head as I tsked pitifully. "Oh, Ito, Ito, _Ito…_ have you not listened to a _single_ broadcast of my show? Intellect is _far_ from the leading aspect of our crew! Rather…" I held up a finger. "Our main area of expertise lies in the field of practical insanity, or! In more common parlance…" My grin widened eagerly. "Applied. _Bullshit."_

_BOOM!_

And with that, the water behind the Barrel Tigress _exploded,_ launching it clear over not only the Long Ring Whirlpool, but the barrier of the Long Ring Cape that lay behind it as well.

I snickered as I dusted my hands off, enjoying the absolutely poleaxed expression Itomimizu was wearing at seeing the Impact Dial's result. "And _that_ is what sets us head and shoulders above other pirate crews. For you viewers at home, I am proud to announce that the Barrel Tigress has managed to achieve a most momentous lead via the application of a little Sky Island party favor. For the sake of future combat, I won't go into details, but suffice to say that it managed to launch our crewmates past not only the whirlpool that lay ahead of them, but a rather obtrusive cape as well! Major kudos to Conis for the rather impressive maneuver!"

Soundbite started to nod in agreement before freezing, a shocked look painting his face. " **Ah… actually…** _that wasn't CONIS."_

"Huh?" I looked at him in surprise. "Really? But then who…" I trailed off as realization came to me. "Wait, but wouldn't that mean—? You can't be serious!"

"LISTEN FOR YOURSELF! _**Though for the record, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED."**_

I hastily slipped my headphones on, and not a moment too soon either.

" _SON OF A—!"_

**-o-**

"Hey, cut it out, Nojiko, what are you doing?" Chabo demanded indignantly, trying to squirm out of the blue-haired woman's grasp. Said woman had her hands clamped over the boy's ears, ignoring his demands in favor of grimacing at the fact that her sister was currently swearing her dirty mouth off to the entire. Freaking. World. Well, at least Soundbite was censoring the worst of it… sort of.

"— _BLUE-HORNED MOTHER—_ **HONK!** — _ING BARNACLE-BRED PIECE OF—_ **HEE-HAW!** — _WRAPPED IN A PILE OF STEAMING—_ **DING!** — _AND REEKING OF SEA KING_ — **YO-DEL-AY-HEE-HOO!** —"

"Damn it, and Dr. Nako _just_ said that Genzo's blood pressure got back in the green…" Nojiko groaned.

Just once, just _once_ could her dear sister think of their poor old foster father _before_ she acted!?

**-o-**

"— _AND IT WILL BE BY_ FAR _THE MOST DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING SALAD THAT I WILL EVER EAT IN MY ENTIRE_ LIFE!"

"… _so_ glad that I can't be sued for all of this," I breathed as I finally unlatched my earphones from my head. " _So glad."_

"HAMBURG, GET UP!"

I cast my eyes downwards, and found that Hamburg was currently incapable of acting as a steed on account of how he was too busy rolling on the ground, laughing his head off as a result of what had just happened. Further application of Soundbite's skills revealed that he wasn't alone; back at the fairgrounds, almost a third of the Foxy Pirates were laughing, as were Mikey and Su, if nobody else on our crew.

" _Nami-swan is so beautiful when she's incoherently furious!"_ Sanji cried over the uproar that we could hear via the Transponder Snails set up over there.

I rolled my eyes, practically capable of hearing the inevitable jab from Zoro as I directed my attention back to the Tigress. "Alright, now, Nami, if you're _quite_ done, would you care to explain _why the hell_ you did that? You _knew_ about the recoil from that thing!"

" _Trust me, that's the last time I'm ever doing it, that's for damn sure, or at least the last time I grab one after the Dugongs have gotten through using it for target practice,"_ Nami fumed for a second before sighing, a lot of the rage in her voice fading away. " _But, to answer your question, Cross… I just wanted to pull my weight a bit more. Yeah, I'm proud of my navigational abilities and all that, but Raphey's still fighting that Fishman and Conis is using her Bazooka, so compared to that, doing what I do everyday doesn't feel like much. I just… wanted to make a bit more of an impact is all."_

" _Well, you certainly made an impact on the Foxy Pirates,"_ Su offered. " _And the water… and your arm."_

" _You do still have a full range of motion, right?"_ Chopper tacked in nervously.

" _Ergh, it hurts like hellfire, but yeah…"_

" _Well, at least that's something,"_ Chopper sighed in relief before becoming more serious. " _Still, don't scare me like that! I tried one of those things out myself in my Heavy Point, and I can tell you now that without some serious muscle development, you ran the risk of muscular and skeletal damage, and all for nothing!"_

" _Yeah, Nami, you do more than enough on the crew!"_ Luffy concurred eagerly. " _You keep us floating and going the right way, remember?"_

" _And you've wrangled the idiots of this crew more times than I can count,"_ Vivi added.

"To add to that one, if what you feel every day is anything like what I felt when Tonjit fell on me, trust me, that you haven't tried to light the ocean on fire by now is quite a feat."

There was a very long, very uncomfortable pause on Nami's end.

"Uh… You _haven't_ tried to light the ocean on fire… right?"

" _Aheh… let's move on, shall we?"_

"Riiiight…" I trailed off for a second before shaking my head and smiling warmly. "Anyway, the point is that you contribute more than enough to this crew and you are a key part of the Straw Hat Pirates. If you feel like you want to do more, then that's your prerogative. Just don't do it at the expense of your health, for all of our sakes, alright?"

"… _Yeah, alright,"_ Nami finally admitted in a voice that plainly indicated a smile. " _By the way, why hasn't Sanji said anything?"_

" _The love cook finally reached the point of passing out from sheer joy,"_ Zoro deadpanned.

"… _I honestly don't know what I expected,"_ Nami deadpanned.

"Ah, excuse me?" Itomimizu cut in. "As heartwarming and hilarious as all of this is, I'd like to remind you that we are still in the middle of a race here! And it seems that the Cutie Wagon is starting to catch up!"

"What?!" I snapped my attention down to the coast of the island again, where indeed the Cutie Wagon was slowly but surely fording through the Reef's intricate current system, the riptides failing to faze Monda in the least. "But how the… hell… wait a second…" I dug a spyglass out of my bag and held it to my eye. I then proceeded to bite back a curse when I caught sight of the muzzle latched over the now-ballistic shark's nose. "That mask is full of pure _chum,_ isn't it?"

"Precisely!" Ito nodded in agreement. "It's a special tactic we came up with in order to force Monda into a feeding frenzy and give us a major boost of speed! It's actually quite a rare thing for us to use it, you Straw Hats should be honored!"

I ground my teeth for a second before pausing as a thought hit me. "Heeey, wait a second… aren't you guys _at all_ worried about the fact that you're essentially broadcasting all of your cheating to the world?"

The wide-mouth just smirked confidently. "Forewarned might be forearmed, but we're too strong and too wily for any amount of preparation to stop us! Pirate crews can come at us all they want knowing as much as they can, they'll still lose!"

I processed that for a bit before surreptitiously covering the transceiver's mic. "Foxy told you to say that so that now you're practically guaranteed to get crews flocking to you for Back Fights who all _think_ they stand a chance while only knowing a fraction of your arsenal, didn't he."

Itomimizu's smile _somehow_ managed to widen. "Say what you will about the Boss, but you have to admit, when it comes to pure, dirty, low-down trickery, he's utterly unmatched! Truly he's a pirate's pirate!"

"Well, at least he's persistent in _quantity…"_ I uttered under my breath before uncovering the mic. "Anyway, back to the race! Nami, Conis, you need to get a move on!"

" _Sorry, needed a second to change my Bazooka's Dials!"_ Conis apologized. " _Alright, we're back on!"_ And with that, the Barrel Tigress's thruster roared to life again and started rocketing our team down the coast, all while the Cutie Wagon rounded around the tip of the Long Cape.

All too soon the two vessels wound up in a deadlock once again, with the Tigress staying firmly in the lead but the Cutie Wagon steadfastly _refusing_ to lose any ground.

And through it all, Hamburg managed to keep pace with the two vessels, bearing Foxy on his back without any trouble. In fact, he even managed to overtake the Tigress, keeping well ahead of our crew's team while Foxy raised his arm and _oh shit!_

" _Slow-Slow—!"_

"Ah-ah-ah- _IT WOULD APPEAR THAT CAPTAIN SPLIT-HEAD IS TRYING SOMETHING!"_ I bellowed desperately.

Foxy promptly collapsed in despair. " _S-Split-he—ARGH!"_ Which proved to be an ill-advised move, seeing as he promptly lost his balance and fell beneath Hamburg, which got him tangled up in the larger figure's limbs and wound up with _both_ of them falling into an uncontrolled tumble.

"BOSS!" Itomimizu shrieked in panic.

"PFHAHAHA!" I laughed in equal parts amusement and relief. "Oh, _wow,_ I wish you could have seen _that_ , viewers, because that little spectacle we just witnessed, it is one for the blooper reels! PFHAHAHA!"

"Why, you—you did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Ito yelled in outrage. "Have you no heart!?"

"ONCE AGAIN, _all's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"_

"STOP USING MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME!"

" **Why?** YOU SAID _**that**_ _all's fair in love, war—_ "

"GAH!" Ito yanked his hat down in outrage before nearly giving me mood whiplash by snapping back to cheerful as he pointed back below. "Oh, it looks like the two ships have finally stopped their stalemate, and the Cutie Wagon is pulling ahead!"

I quickly looked back down, and saw that unfortunately, he was right; the berserk shark was pulling up to the Tigress due to Conis' bazooka emitting smoke rather than flame. Looking more closely, I could see the problem.

"Ugh… looks like Porche has somehow managed to clog the Flame Bazooka's air intake with what look like metal flowers!"

"That's Porche's Flower Shuriken move!" Itomimizu announced proudly. "As elegant and deadly as she is beautiful! Truly befitting of the diva of our crew! And now it looks like the Cutie Wagon is—!"

Conis promptly _rammed_ the bazooka's end against the lip of her vessel. It caused the wood to crack a bit, sure, but it also dislodged the metal flowers from the weapon, allowing her to reignite the vessel's thruster and resume forward momentum.

"Tied with the Barrel Tigress!" I cut in hastily, leaning forwards in an attempt to get a better look. "Both vessels are _literally_ neck-and-neck! It's a deadlock, folks, and neither party appears to be intent on letting the other change that anytime soon!"

Ito started to nod before gasping when the Barrel Tigress suddenly swung right, slamming the majority of its bulk into the Cutie Wagon. "Well, it looks like the Straw Hats are _determined_ to break it! Your navigator is going in for some CQC with Porche! Such brutality, is she even a woman!? _Maybe I should ask her to show me proof that she is!"_ He paused and paled. "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!"

Soundbite roared with laughter…

_ZAP! "SQUARK!"_

Before yelping in terror when a bolt of lightning came within an inch of zapping us all.

" _WOULD YOU BASTARDS CARE TO REPEAT THAT!?"_

"Didn't think that through, didja?" I snarled at Soundbite as I tried to unclench my arms from around Chuchun's neck.

" **EE-** _ **nope!"**_ he replied from the safety of his shivering shell.

Meanwhile, far below us, Nami and Porche were going at one another with gusto, Clima-Tact clashing against a no doubt _thoroughly_ reinforced baton in what was, quite frankly, a stunning demonstration of both skill and acrobatics.

"Well, that aside, it _is_ an impressive catfight that's happening between the Foxy Pirates' diva and the Straw Hat Pirates' second mate!" I commentated. "A baton strike blocked here, a staff strike parried there, shurikens and lightning—"

" _VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!"_ Soundbite chimed in.

"Galileo—GAH!" I shot a glare at Soundbite, who only cackled madly. "Grgh… anyway, back to the fi—" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle at a new development, which Itomimizu eagerly capitalized on.

"Well, well! A well-aimed strike to Conis' right temple from Porche's baton has sent the Straw Hats' gunner for a loop and disabled their engine, meaning that they're now falling behind while the Cutie Wagon is proceeding undeterred!"

"BUT it looks like Conis is recovering quickly!" I cut in, watching as Conis righted herself with a slightly dizzy shake of her head before resuming her position. "And just like that, the bazooka's gunning again, and the Cutie Wagon is quickly losing her lead!"

Porche clearly didn't like that judging from the murderous look in her eyes as Nami spun her Clima-Tact, clearly ready to go another round of Whack-a-Fox. But as they neared each other, Porche's eyes widened, and then she smirked before jerking at the bit in Monda's mouth, steering him away. Nami blinked in confusion, but then snapped her head towards the shore, where Foxy and Hamburg had caught up, the former poised to fire again. This time, with Itomimizu watching me, I didn't say a word, but the fact that I was grinning like a lunatic clearly unnerved him.

"In case you're wondering about why I'm grinning…" I started slowly. "I'd just like to remind you. Talking strategy while Soundbite and I are anywhere nearby?"

" _Slow-Slow Beam!"_ Foxy shouted from below, sending wave after wave of the unnatural particles at our crewmates.

"It's a good way to end your plans before they even start," I finished, Soundbite's grin matching mine in wideness and maliciousness. Then I turned my attention back to the mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Foxy the Silver Fox is attempting to use his Devil Fruit powers against the Barrel Tigress: the Slow-Slow Fruit, enabling him to fire a beam that slows down anything it hits! Unfortunately for him, we happen to have its weakness handy!"

Nami's grin was no less wide than mine as, with the beams approaching, she picked something up from the floor of the barrel and held it in front of her: a mirror. And as the beams reflected, I looked at Foxy to see his reaction, and—

… OK, it wasn't Eneru-grade, _that_ was impossible to top. Still, Foxy's expression at seeing that we had the counter for his Devil Fruit powers was still a freaking hilarious close second. With the beams reflected harmlessly away, the two vessels tore down the final stretch of the coast towards the rapidly-approaching finish line. The Cutie Wagon's swerve had served to cut their lead down enough so that the Tigress was right on their tail, and even from way on high I could _see_ that Monda was starting to tire. Inch after inch the Wagon lost ground and inch after inch the Tigress took it, pulling ahead more and more.

When without warning, the Tigress suddenly jerked to a halt, almost flinging Conis and Nami from the ship. The pair exchanged panicked looks as the Cutie Wagon tore ahead, but even though Conis regained her balance and doubled the intensity of her Flame Bazooka, the ship just wasn't moving forward. It was as if the water was… fighting against them _shit when had that bastard started shooting?!_

"Guys, the be—MMPH!"

"Look, I'll be honest," Itomimizu growled, one hand clenched over my mouth while his arm encircled my neck. "I _like_ you, you're a great guy with a great sense of humor and an even better sense of dramatic timing, but for now, I'm going to need you to _shut up!"_

" _LET GO of_ _ **my**_ **partner!"** Soundbite snapped.

"Not until we wi— _ghrk!"_

I bashed my elbow into his face, regretting for the umpteenth time that my armor wasn't ready yet as the pain jabbed through my arm. But he kept a firm grip on my jaw, so I kept flinging, and he started hitting back.

…Brawling in midair on the back of a giant bird. Somehow, I wasn't even remotely surprised. But, thankfully, I finally managed to free my mouth and bellow out, "THE WATER! THE BEAMS WORK ON THE WAT—MMPH!" I was then cut off by Itomimizu shoving his forearm in my mouth, but by that point the damage was thankfully done.

" _Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!"_ Soundbite barked out in my voice.

During my struggle with my co-announcer, I managed to catch sight of an explosion in the fairground, followed by a blur of white headed straight at Foxy…

_CRACK!_

Only for it to be batted away thanks to Hamburg moving faster than any being his size had the right to, drawing a metal club and striking the projectile in the space of a second.

The next few seconds were something of a blur as Ito and I both brawled and did our best to balance on Chuchun's back, the damn thing doing its best to sway the fight in its partner's favor however it could manage—

"POP- _ **FLY!**_ **INCOMING!"**

Before Soundbite let out a panicked yelp and snapped into his shell, prompting the three of us to freeze as we processed what he had said. _Then_ we processed the sight of a baseball coming up right next to us. In the air.

"Uh-oh…" the giga-bird whimpered in terror.

"I don't say this often…" I groaned. "But this… this _bites."_

" _ **Heh, title dro—!"**_

**BOOM!**

Normally I wouldn't wake up any time soon after getting hit by a blast like that, but thankfully I had several factors on my side.

Namely, a metric ton of wind blasting in my face as I dropped at terminal velocity and a loud-mouthed snail wailing in my ear.

When I _did_ finally come to, however, it was to the sight of the ground coming at me really really _really really FAST OH SHIT FUCK!_

"LUUUUUFFYYYYY!" I screamed as I flailed desperately.

I was half a second from belly flopping onto the green grass when suddenly my vision was filled with rubber and a red vest. "GUM-GUM BALLOON!"

I struggled uncomfortably for a second before Luffy's distended belly recoiled, bouncing me back up into the air for a scant moment during which I flailed desperately. On the plus side, I didn't belly-flop onto the grass.

On the minus, that was because I landed on my head.

I laid groaning on the ground for a second before slowly cracking an eye open to stare at Zoro, who was standing over me and looking at me curiously. "Did we win?" I asked in a dizzy tone of voice.

An uproar of cheers from the fairground answered _that_ question for me.

"… _shit."_

**-o-**

A minute later found the two crews assembled on different sides of an unspoken line, an uneasy truce having been set for the moment so that we could take the time to give medical aid to our injured crewmembers. And _damn,_ did we need it.

"Well, _that_ wasn't particularly fun…" I groused as I craned my neck back and forth, doing my best to massage my throbbing spine. "And _I_ wasn't even a part of the freaking race!"

"Yeah, well, I promise you that it wasn't any more fun at ground zero, either," Nami hissed as she held an icepack to a lump that was starting to form on her skull.

"Agreed…" Conis nodded, inasmuch as she could with Chopper slowly wrapping a bandage around her head.

"By the way, I was kind of busy flying around the island and then _falling_ so I missed it, but how's Raphey doing?" I asked.

"Well…"

"LET ME AT 'IM! _LET ME AT 'IM!"_

I glanced back to see the dugong in question attempting to charge towards the Foxy's, more specifically at the giant-fishman hybrid Big Pan, who was holding an equally-struggling Capote in his hands. I say 'attempting' because the other three students were hanging off of her doing their best to hold her back.

"That's the concussion talking, Raphey, don't listen to it!" Mikey pleaded.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA CAVE THAT—!"

All of a sudden, she jerked before slumping forward, revealing a syringe sticking out of her neck and a grumpy-looking Chopper behind her.

"Good thing I restocked on sedative back at G-8," he muttered. "It looks like I'm going to be needing a _lot_ of it."

"You think we could borrow some of that?" Porche called over to us. "We'd do the same for our guy, but as you can see…" She glanced warily up at her struggling crewmate. "Our docs think he might be starting to build a tolerance."

"Eh…" Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Have you considered a… 'manual override'?" He made air quotations with his hooves.

"Are you nuts?!" one of the Foxy doctors (who did _not_ look the part) demanded incredulously. "That could give him a serious concussion!"

"Rebuttal!" Chopper jabbed his hoof up. "He's a _fishman."_

The doctor made to respond, but trailed off thoughtfully instead. After a second, he nodded in acceptance. "Good point." He then waved up at the hybrid. "Hey, Big Pan! One Monster Burger, stat!"

The large fellow blinked stupidly down at the doctor for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. He then proceeded to raise one of his hands off of Capote—

_SLAM!_ "GAH!"

Before clapping it down on him full force, reducing his fellow fishman to an insensate mess.

I cocked my head to the side. "…How long did it take him to learn that?"

Porche grimaced and kneaded the bridge of her nose. "Longer than any of us are willing to admit…"

I chuckled slightly at that comment before pausing as I noticed Sanji and Zoro doing the same. "The hell are you two laughing at? You're fighting _him_ next round!" _That_ got them to sober up pretty fast.

That… and a particularly unwelcome voice.

"Well, I think that's been quite long enough!"

I and most of our crew scowled darkly as Foxy marched out of the throngs of his own men, leering at us maliciously.

"You can't delay any longer," he announced smugly. "It's time."

"INDEED!" Itomimizu belted out in agreement, popping up next to his captain with his own snail at the ready, looking as though he'd come straight off of the set of a mummy movie. Turns out that even a rapidly-readied fireman's trampoline won't do you much good when you hit it at a little under terminal velocity. "As we've won the Donut Race, it is now our right to choose a member of your crew! They're all yours, Boss!"

I grimaced and slowly walked to stand behind Chopper, bracing myself for the inevitable.

Foxy's smirk doubled in size as he stepped forward and slowly raised a hand to point at us. "It took some thinking, but I've already made my decision! The one I choose… is you!"

I laid a comforting hand on Chopper's hat, causing him to glance upwards with fearful eyes. "Sorry, little buddy. Just stay strong and—"

"The ship's tactician, Jeremiah Cross!"

"—we'll get you back soo— _WHAT THE FUCK!?"_ I swapped to a panicked bellow as I stared at Foxy in confusion.

" _What!?"_ Nami and Vivi chorused in horror.

" **OH, SHIT!"** Soundbite yelped.

Foxy smirked in a vulpine manner, crossing his arms imperiously. "You screwed me over a lot during that race, Cross. I both respect and abhor that. So now, not only are you no longer a thorn in my side, you're going to be one in all of my enemies! Fehfehfehfehfeh!"

"Phrasing, captain!" Porche interjected, while Hamburg barely managed to cover his snickering.

Foxy grimaced before rallying. "Now, c'mon." He gestured for me to come forwards. "I've already shown you more courtesy than I do most by not having you dragged over. Gather your pets and come accept your defeat with dignity."

And just like that, several pieces clicked into place for me, and I dug my fingers into my palm in an effort to keep my cool. "…No," I said coldly.

_That_ response got Foxy _and_ Zoro glaring at me.

"Cross…" Zoro started testily.

"You dare disrespect ze laws of the Davy Back Fight!?" Foxy demanded.

"On the contrary!" I called back, pumping steel into my voice. I then proceeded to remove Soundbite from my shoulder and place him on Chopper's hat and drop my bag and Lassoo's strap to the ground. "The only one who's disobeying them here is _you, Boss."_ I grit out the last word as though it were a curse, and quite honestly it might as well have been.

"Huh!?" Foxy jerked in confusion. "What ze hell are you talking about!?"

"Simple," I gestured at the shell-shocked Devil Fruit-using animals who were staring at me. "Soundbite and Lassoo are my _partners_ , not my pets, and as my partner Soundbite has an equal stake in the SBS. If you want to control the SBS or get your hands on Soundbite or Lassoo, then you'll have to win again and call their names, but right now? You don't get any three-for-ones _or_ do-overs." I jabbed my thumb at my chest. "You called for me, and you got _me._ Take it, or give me an honorable discharge so that I can go back."

Foxy ground his teeth as he realized that he'd been played. "The dugongs and dog are one thing, but a _snail_ being a genuine crewmate!? Bah!" He ultimately flung his hand up dismissively, though I could still see his jaw twitching with repressed anger. "It is of no matter, we'll just have to win the next game, too! And in the meantime…" He pointed at me firmly. "I stand by my choice! By the laws of the game, _you are now my crewmate!"_

" _Joy,"_ I drawled. And so, without further ado, I started marching towards the crowd of masked pirates.

"What the hell are you _doing_ , Cross?!" Vivi demanded incredulously, drawing me up short.

"Y-Yeah, Cross!" Mikey concurred. "This isn't like you! How come you aren't ranting or raving o-o-or _ripping into these bastards_ like you always do!?"

"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Chopper cried, obviously fighting back tears. "Y-You're being taken away from us! Y-You're being _stolen!_ D-Don't you c-care at all!?"

I rolled my eyes as I folded my arms behind my head. "Nope. Not even a bit."

" _What!?"_ Conis gasped in shock.

"Cross—!" Nami started.

"Geeze, you guys…" I groaned as I dug a finger into my ear. "Look, you're all making a big deal out of absolutely _nothing._ I mean, come on, it's not like I'm leaving _forever,_ you know?"

" _What?!"_ over half of the Straw Hats cried in confusion.

"WHAT!?" Foxy bellowed in outrage.

"Well, yeah?" I said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, come on. I'm gonna be on their crew for, what, an hour or two, maybe less? Then _you guys_ are gonna stomp whoever the hell they send at you for Round Two into the ground in, like, ten seconds and then I'll be a Straw Hat again. Come on, guys." I spread my hands helplessly. "It isn't that hard."

"Shishishi, yeah, guys!" Luffy scratched his finger beneath his nose, having been one of the only members of the crew who hadn't reacted negatively to my nonchalance. "You're all acting kinda stupid, you know?"

"Hypocritical though that would normally be coming from his mouth, he does have a point this time; considering that Luffy's fighting split-head one-on-one and Boss, Mosshead and I are taking on the next game, there's not much chance of us losing again," Sanji shrugged.

"And besides," Boss said gruffly as he bit down on a cigar and ignited it with a single click of his flint. "So we lose once, so what? It'll just make our inevitable victory all the sweeter. And for the record, that's _not_ a Man's Romance." He blew out a cloud of smoke as he stared down the Foxy's. "That's a damn _fact."_

A loud, audible gulp seemed to come from every member of the Foxy's.

"Well, anyway, I gotta be goin' for now. See you." I waved goodbye over my shoulder as I walked over to Foxy and popped off a careless, two-fingered salute and as sarcastically honest of a grin as I could manage. "Hi, I'm Jeremiah Cross, your new tactician. Please take _good_ care of me."

Foxy glared at me for a second before twitching his mouth into a wry grin. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" he asked blandly.

"Oh, no no no…" I shook my head solemnly. "Nothing like that, nothing like that at _all."_ I allowed a glint of defiance to enter my expression. "I'm going to be gone _long_ before you can even conceive of labelling me as 'difficult'."

The Silver Fox's grin widened into one of malevolent amusement for a second before snapping his fingers. "Porche."

"Yes, Boss?" the diva asked.

"Take Cross back to the Sexy Foxy, get him dressed and get him a bunk. Ah, and…" He stopped her when she started to walk towards the ship, his gaze never leaving me. "Make it a good bunk, at that. After all, we want our newest recruit to be nice and… comfortable."

She stared at Foxy for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. "You got it, Boss." She then gestured at me to follow her, and I did so without question, following her to the titanic beast that this crew called a ship.

"Just for the record," I spoke up as we walked. "I get that the mask thing is a part of the dress code, but you're really going to have to pull out all the stops if you're going to put one on me."

**-o-**

"…Alright, I'll admit it," I mused as I fingered the mask over my face. "I am impressed. This does _not_ look half-bad."

"You honestly think we got this many crewmates _without_ figuring out how to make the uniforms work for everyone?" Porche giggled.

I shrugged in acceptance as I took in my appearance; temporary though I had absolutely no doubt that it was, I had to admit that if it _was_ necessary, I could damn well get used to it. I honestly never thought that I'd be caught dead wearing a hoodie with fox ears of all things, much less a mask sewn into the hood, but there I was wearing a dark gray one with orange highlights and a pair of trackpants to match. Honestly, I think the most impressive bit was how they'd managed to work it so that I could still keep my cap on, even in spite of the mask.

Once I was done with my inspection, I gave Porche a satisfied nod. "Very nice, I think I'll hang on to it when I go back to the Straw Hats."

Without warning, Porche's good mood evaporated into a childish pout. "You don't _have_ to be so eager about returning to your friends, you know. After all, you don't need to worry about being split up. The Boss isn't going to stop playing the Back Fight with your crew until we have you all, so all you need to do is wait and you'll all be back together again."

"You're only half-right, Porche," I said casually. "The odds of your crew winning the next game are very slim, but not zero. But the odds of your captain managing to beat mine? Well…" I shrugged casually. "Compare their reactions to talking to the strongest man in the world, and _tell me_ that you don't believe my captain is the better one."

I smirked at her as her pout deepened into something like anger. "Let me put it to you this way: the sole reason I exist in this world—the reason I came into this world in the first place, this world of piracy—is so that I could sail under the flag of Monkey D. Luffy, who _is_ Gold Roger's successor. And nothing, short of _death_ , will stop me from getting back to him."

Porche's anger faltered, and she stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds. "… Nobody else has ever been that bold," she muttered in awe. Then her demeanor switched again to something… I dunno, it just seemed _woah she was close!_

"But, you know, you should try opening your mind to the possibilities. You never know what you could be missing out on," she crooned, rubbing up against me _and that was a hand hell no!_

I backed away as far as I could and fumbled for my baton, before realizing that Usopp still had it, prompting me to switch tactics. "Oookay… quick question: are _you_ truly dedicated to the pirate life? To the point of putting your life on the line?"

Porche blinked at me before smiling. "Of course I am. Hamburg and I joined the Boss of our own free will, we knew and know what this life's risks are."

"Good, perfect, glad to hear that, I really am, because that means you have no right to complain about the following statement." I grabbed her collar and yanked her close, so that she could _not_ mistake the deadly expression on my face. " _Try that shit with me again and I will ram that icepick you call a nose right back into your_ brain."

Porche immediately stiffened, blinking at me in surprise before adopting a neutral and entirely unafraid expression and crossing her arms. "Huh. So, you actually _are_ a decent human being."

It took me a second to fully process what she was saying, but once I did I let my face fall blank as I released her and took a step back. "And _you_ actually have a brain in your head, and _this_ was most likely a test you do on all new recruits."

We stared flatly at each other for a moment before I extended my hand. "Truce?"

"Truce." She shook my hand in agreement before pointing her thumb over her shoulder. "Come on, I'll show you to the bunk section you'll be sleeping in. East Blue, right?"

"Eh," I waved my hand side to side as I followed her. "Mind if I check out your library if you have one instead? I won't be staying long, so I wanna get some reading in before Round Two starts… When _does_ that start, anyway?"

"Two hour intermission so that everyone can unwind and have some fun," Porche promptly answered with a grin. "We love our Back Fights. And sure, it's this way." She turned down a corridor. "Though fair warning, this means that there's a good chance your old crew will take the good bunks once they join."

"You wi~ish," I sang casually.

A minute of navigating the ship's insanely circuitous corridors later, she let me into a _highly_ impressive library. Not Sunny standards, no, but definitely impressive nonetheless.

"Damn…" I whistled in awe as I took in the shelves of books. "Whatever the hell you're paying your shipwrights, it's _nowhere_ near enough."

"Yeah, yeah…" Porche muttered from the doorway before heaving a sigh. "Alright, Cross, look, I really don't think I should be doing this considering how deep in denial you are, but there's a… policy we Foxy Pirates have you should be aware of."

"Huh?" I glanced back at her in confusion. "You mean besides the masks?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, besides the masks." She then held up a finger. "All new crewmates get one chance to cheat."

Now _that_ brought me up short. "Come again?"

"One. Chance. To cheat," Porche slowly repeated. "You have the option, in this Back Fight and this Back Fight alone, to try and sabotage our crew as we proceed to defeat your old one. If you try and pull anything at any other point, then it _will_ be considered mutiny and you will suffer the consequences, but today?" She raised one finger to emphasize it. "You get one free pass."

I blinked several times as I processed that. "…Foxy actually allows that?"

Porche huffed as she turned away. "The _Boss,"_ she said, emphasizing the title. "Isn't a sadist. This is a mercy he gives new recruits. One last glimmer of hope, one last chance to leave." She waved her hand casually. "Of course, it's never actually worked because we're _just_ that good, but it's the thought that counts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to reload my baton. I'll get you when it's time for Round Two."

"See you then," I returned politely. With that, we parted, she heading to another part of the ship and me browsing the shelves and taking in what the Foxy Pirates had to offer. It looked like he had a few good minds on his crew from what I saw: plenty of medical and history books, blueprints for the ship, even a few good fantasy novels I'd have to see if I could borrow.

I had browsed over pretty much every section in the library before one book in particular caught my eye: one with the Foxy Pirates' Jolly Roger on the front. One glance at the inside of the cover confirmed my suspicions: it was the crew's logbook.

I glanced around for a second before shrugging and flipping the book open. After all, what harm could a little bit of background knowledge do? I'd probably just read about their origins for a minute or two and then move on.

Thirty minutes later, I was thoroughly engrossed in the book, intently absorbing every detail I could manage.

I didn't even look up as a finger tapped my shoulder. "Hey, Cross, any clue where I can find the reference books?"

I absentmindedly raised a finger and pointed to the left. "That way, I think. I saw an index thataways if it helps."

"That works. Thanks, Cross."

"Anytime, Nami."

Ten seconds later, I glanced up from the book with a mutter of "The hell…?" but a quick glance around showed me to be completely alone, so I shrugged and returned to my reading.

An hour later, I closed the book and set it down, my eyes wide and my mind awhirl as I connected the dots I'd found in that book with what I myself knew. The picture that it all depicted, about this crew, about the Davy Back Fights… this… this changed _everything._

Or, well, maybe not everything, but it sure as hell gave me something to think about.

Said thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of the library's door opening. "Round Two's starting, come on!" Porche called.

"Ah," I glanced at the logbook for a second before heading towards her voice. "C-Coming!"

**-o-**

I surreptitiously ghosted through the rowdy crowd of pirates as I made my way towards the Groggy Ring, dodging through the writhing throng of the crowd as I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. As I went, I subtly swiped a number of clothing articles from the more inebriated and distracted members of the Foxy Pirates. A scarf here, a trenchcoat there, a pair of oversized boots from… _somewhere_ , though the smell _really_ guaranteed that I didn't want to know, and finally a rather elaborate mask that was most likely for show that a vendor was handing out.

Once I had what I needed, I made a beeline for the nearest alleyway between stalls I could find. I took a second to glance around and confirm that I was completely alone before donning the clothes I'd collected over my hoodie, in a manner that I _really_ hoped would obscure my identity from anyone who saw me. Thankfully, the size of the crew and the fact that they were a _Grand Line_ crew, at that, maximized the odds that my plan would succeed.

With the disguise in place, I emerged and walked back towards the ring, looking around until, grinning, I spotted the Foxy Pirates' referee. I planned to make good use of that one free cheat I had, and so I approached him.

"Soundbite, if you're listening, I need you to disguise my voice," I muttered under my breath. "And don't worry, I won't get in trouble if I get caught, just do it."

" **Done** ," came a whisper in my ear.

" _Hello, hello, hello,"_ I muttered in a deep bass voice before nodding firmly. " _Thanks."_

" _SEE YOU_ _ **soon, PARTNER."**_

" _With any luck. Hey, ref!"_ I growled out, clapping my hand on his shoulder. " _Don't turn around and listen. Boss told me to pass a message on to you incognitus-like: when the order for a Groggy Burger comes up, use the red card."_

"Wha—? Are you _nuts!?"_ the masked referee hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

" _Hey, man, I think it's nuts too, I'm just following orders,"_ I grumbled. " _All he said was that he wants the Straw Hats to think that we're playing fair. Put them in a false sense of security, get that monster of a Captain to drop his guard. They came too close to winning the last game, we need to keep_ everyone _guessing if we don't want them to win. Got it?"_

The ref ground his teeth for a second before nodding slowly. "Alright… Alright, I'll do it. But if this blows up, I'm telling him that it was _your_ idea, got it?"

" _Hey, I get it,"_ I shrugged casually. " _Sea King eat Sea King world, we all do what we gotta do to survive. All I'm doin' is relayin' the boss's orders, a'right?"_

"Ergh… yeah, alright."

" _Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with a litre o' grog."_ And with that, I slid back into the crowd, dropping my disguise piece by piece as I went.

If I had things my way, I'd then be standing by my crew as an added show of defiance. But, as it stood, I had no doubt that Foxy would be watching me like a hawk so that he could stop my one free cheat before it got out of hand. So, with resignation, I elected to stand by the man. I was just glad that I knew what I did now, or I don't think I would have been able to stand it.

"Ah good, you're here," Foxy said as I walked up, not taking his eyes off my crew. "Enjoy the tour of your new ship?"

I shrugged indifferently. "Eh, it was alright. Personally, I'm kinda iffy on the name and I can only imagine that the boobytraps are an absolute nightmare to navigate, so honestly?" I shot him a cheeky grin. "I'm eager to get back to the Merry. I _will_ be keeping the clothes though."

Foxy snorted and shook his head. "Don't get your hopes up, Cross."

I tipped the brim of my hat down in response. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, _Captain."_

Foxy scowled briefly before looking at Itomimizu and waving his hand.

The wide-mouth apparently took that as a sign to start, and climbed up to the top of a hastily constructed tower. I blinked before noticing that Chuchun was currently wrapped up in bandages, with Chopper conspicuously close by. I couldn't help but snicker at the sight.

"Aaaaalright, ladies and gentlemen! The wait is over, it's time for Round Two of the Davy Back Fight, the Groggy Ring! Now presenting the lineup for this match's teams! On the Straw Hat Pirates' team: First Mate 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro! The lady-loving chef of iron, Sanji! And the leader of the ship's guard force, Boss Dugong!"

Looking at the trio, Sanji and Boss were both posing for the audience, while Zoro was rolling his eyes but staying silent.

"And, on the Foxy Pirates' team, the legendary Groggy Monsters! The leader, co-first mate and heavy-hitter, Hamburg! The bulky 'Tackle Machine', Pickles! And the fishman-giant hybrid, Big Pan!"

The trio basked in the attention they received as they marched onto the field, posing and grandstanding confidently.

"Now, for the game's rules! Each team must have one player acting as the ball…"

At that point, I stopped listening; the rules were nothing more than a review for me. Instead, I observed Pickles and Big Pan for a second before looking curiously at Foxy "Where the heck did you get the bigger two, anyway? I won't ask about Hamburg because if there's a pool it means that if you know then you're not talking, but them…" I waved my hand in their vague direction. "Just curious is all."

Foxy blinked in surprise, but shrugged and began to answer. "Eh, it's no big secret for those two. Pickles joined after one of my first wins against the Full-Frontal Assault Pirates. Real nasty bunch, led by a berserker with an Elephant Zoan. He was actually lucky, because we got word that they were annihilated by Marines about a month or two later. He was rough around the edges at first and his Giant's blood—that's where his size comes from, you see—didn't help matters, but he and Hamburg eventually bonded and he's been a big help in the Ring ever since. But as for Big Pan, well…" His expression darkened. "You've established yourself as rather world-savvy; would the name 'Sabaody Archipelago' say enough for you?"

I promptly fought to suppress my gag reflex as my eyes shot to the hybrid's hands. "Enough to know that those gloves aren't covering his wrists for nothing."

"Mmph," Foxy grunted in agreement. "He cost me a pretty penny, but I don't regret it." His gaze slowly drifted over his shoulder so that he was looking back at his men. "I never do."

Porche leaned around her boss and pointed an accusing finger at me. "And he means that whether they agree to join or not, so don't get any ideas!"

I held up my hands in defense. "Fair enough, fair enough."

"And that's the game!" Ito capped off confidently.

"Ah, finally!" Foxy leered eagerly. "Now then, just be patient. With any luck, you'll be much more comfortable once you have your snail back. And I'll even do you the favor of removing that misplaced label for him so that you can both go back if your captain pulls off a miracle and beats me! Though really, _that_ notion is simply preposterous! Fehfehfehfeh!"

Aaand my respect for him hit rock bottom again.

"Now then," Itomimizu continued eagerly. "We are only moments away from the beginning of the Second Round! All we're waiting for now is the whistle, and—!"

_WHOOSH!_

" _GAH!"_ Itomimizu cut himself off with a panicked yelp when he was suddenly buffeted by an intense wind that came out of absolutely nowhere. And he was far from the only one affected; all at once, a massive windstorm swept over the playing field, throwing everyone off-balance.

We barely had time to process that before the wind brought with it an unexpected byproduct: an absolutely _massive_ —and for some reason, _pink_ —fog that shrouded the entire playing field. I was barely able to discern my mummified hand in front my face, and the tumult around me gave the impression that everyone else was having equal difficulty.

_Then_ the wind began blowing agai…wait, no. It wasn't forceful, this time, it was just flat-out _loud._ Howling and… roaring… wait a second…

"Soundbite?" I whispered beneath my breath.

" **Did you really** _ **think we would TAKE THIS SHIT**_ _LYING DOWN?"_ an indignant medley of voices scoffed in my ear. "THEY WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, _that's their problem. BUT WHEN THEY TAKE_ _ **ONE OF OURS… we fight**_ **BLOODY.** _ **OBSERVE."**_

And with that, as fast as the fog swept over field, it dispersed just as swiftly, unveiling a scene that could only be described as absolute _carnage_. Hamburg had been beaten akin to his namesake, Pickles looked to have been put through a blender, and Big Pan looked as though… well, frankly, he looked as though the Monster Trio had ganged up on him, with a few Sea Kings having enthusiastically joined the fun for good measure. Simply put, the Groggy Monsters were out cold while Zoro, Sanji, and Boss were all standing tall, completely and utterly unscathed and looking as nonchalant as cats lazing in a sunbeam. Or at least, as nonchalant as they could be while they were covered head to toe in blood spatter.

Which was actually pretty disturbingly nonchalant, now that I thought about it.

For a moment, there was complete silence; everyone on the Foxy Pirates, myself included, just gaped at the development as we tried to come to grips with _what the hell had just happened_. About a minute later, Foxy recovered enough to speak… or rather, roar and point at Luffy.

"FOUL! You cheated!"

"Eh? No, we didn't," Luffy stated as he cleaned his ear, his voice bland and bored as though he were saying the sky were blue.

"Yes, you did!"

"No, we didn't," Luffy replied in the same bored tone.

"I'M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT—!"

"Ah, excuse me, Mister Fox?"

" _WHAT!?"_ Foxy yelled as he snapped his gaze to the person who'd spoken up.

Vivi, for her part, was entirely unfazed by the captain's fuming demeanor, smiling pleasantly without a care in the world. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Mr. Fox, but you see, I'm afraid that there's simply no means through which to determine the identity of your team's assailants. After all…" The princess waved her hand in the air. "That fog obscured everything, and that wind was so _frightfully_ loud, I'm afraid that there just weren't any witnesses whatsoever."

The split-headed pirate sputtered indignantly for a second before stamping his foot. "But _you're_ the ones who caused the fog in the first place!"

Vivi blinked and pointed at herself with a look of innocent confusion. "Me?"

"HER, DAMN IT!" Foxy snapped his finger up to point at Nami, who was whistling innocently as she swung her hips back and forth. "SHE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, WE'VE ALL SEEN IT!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that that's _just_ not possible," Vivi lamented in a tone I _swear_ was honestly apologetic.

"EVERYBODY SAW HER FORM A FREAKING TYPHOON EARLIER!"

"Oh, yes, yes, that's true, that's true…" Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "But you see, as adept as Nami is with her Clima-Tact, she still has her limits. Currently, all she is capable of are minor cantrips like lightning or that storm earlier. While I _suppose_ our navigator could have hypothetically conjured that wind we felt, I'm afraid that that level of fog is simply out of her grasp. And if Nami didn't do it, then…"

Vivi shook her head with a helpless shrug. "Well, I'm afraid I just don't know what to tell you, Mr. Fox. What else do you propose? That someone, what, _magically_ conjured up a bank of fog from nowhere in the space of mere seconds?" Vivi chuckled daintily into her fist. "Why, how positively absurd."

As Foxy spluttered, his attention entirely on the main mass of our crew, I noticed Chopper digging in his bag behind one of the fair tents. He was working hastily; so hastily that a smoking test tube suddenly fell out of his bag without warning. He promptly made to grab for the vial before it could touch the ground, but flailed his hoof with a pained expression the second he touched it, sending the glass container flying. Thankfully, Carue had noticed the incident and was there waiting when the tube arrived, and managed to grab it with a wing… at which point he promptly started flailing his wings and playing a game of hot potato with himself as he hopped from foot to foot.

"What the heck…?" I muttered under my breath.

"CHOPPER _calls it_ _ **Cherry Blossom Haze,"**_ Soundbite softly explained. " _PERSONALLY,_ _ **I would have**_ **GONE WITH** _ **Hazy Shade of Winter,**_ _but eh, WHAT CAN I_ **say?** _ **HE'S GOT A THEME**_ _and I_ WON'T BEGRUDGE **hi—BWAHAHAHA** _hoohoohoo_ HEEHEEHEE!"

I blinked in confusion when Soundbite suddenly trailed off into raucous laughter before looking back at Carue. Oddly enough, the vial he was juggling was long gone and he was standing at attention, gaze locked dead ahead and his wings folded at his side. For some reason there was cold sweat starting to collect on his brow, but for the life of me I couldn't tell what was—wait, was that _smoke_ coming out of his nos—?

_FWOMP_!

I hastily clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle my snorting laughter. And it was _hard_ when I was staring at a Carue that was bloated up into a balloon, smoky fog oozing out of his clamped beak and tears streaming down his cheeks. It was all I could do to keep from falling on my knees, and the sight of Carue speeding off out of sight once he got enough wherewithal in his head to do so didn't help. But when a massive geyser of smoke pierced the heavens alongside an avian howl of agony, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, falling to the ground laughing.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" roared a red-faced Foxy, looking away from a suddenly-panicked Vivi and failing to notice an equally freaked-looking Chopper.

"C-C-Carue just ate one of Chopper's Anti-Luffy Spice Bombs by accident!" I lied around my hysterical laughter. "Y-You should have seen his face! PFFHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chopper's concern melted into thoughtfulness, clearly considering the potential of what I had just said, and Vivi's expression changed into a different sort of concern. "Chopper, can you hurry after him and give him the antidote?" she asked quickly. The reindeer snapped back to reality, nodded, and sped off in his Walk Point. Vivi sighed before turning her attention back to Foxy. "Now, what were you saying, Mister Fox?"

"I WAS SAYING THAT EVEN IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES, IT'S _BLATANTLY_ CLEAR THAT YOUR CREW DID THIS!" Foxy spat.

"Really? How so?" Vivi asked innocently.

"HOW SO? Oh, where to begin?! How about the slash marks—?!"

"You confiscated Zoro's swords before the game began; if anything, that only reinforces the fact that we _didn't_ do it."

Back where she was swaying on her feet, Nami's _absolutely innocent_ whistling amped up a few decibels while Foxy's face grew redder. "Ggh—! And the fact that they aren't harmed at all—?!"

"Says that whatever attacked your crew must have been wise enough not to attack ours."

Foxy's face became downright _purple_. "FOR THE LOVE OF JONES HIMSELF, THEY'RE COVERED IN BLOOD!" He snapped his finger up when Vivi started to speak. "AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU!"

"Then perhaps you'll hear it from me?" Boss spoke up from where he was still standing, casually pulling a puff from his cigar.

Steam snorted out of Foxy's nose as he glared daggers at the dugong. "I would _love_ to hear your explanation for this."

"It's quite simple, really." Boss took his cigar out of his mouth and casually tapped off the ash. "While the fog obscured the field, we decided to eat some steak, and so we did."

You could _hear_ the crickets chirping in the resounding silence that followed that statement.

"… I'm sorry, I _must_ have heard you wrong, could you repeat that?" Foxy said in a voice of strained calm.

"We. Ate. Steaks," Boss repeated, slowly and clearly. "To elaborate, under the cover of the fog, we decided to leave the field, we hunted down an animal, we slaughtered it, and then we ate it. Raw. Like _men."_

Foxy's eye started twitching viciously as he ground his teeth back and forth. "You mean you want to pretend that you hunted an animal in this _god-forsaken_ prairie, ate it, and then returned in a little under _five minutes?"_

"Yes, yes, I know that it _sounds_ ludicrous, I realize that," Boss waved his hands in a soothing gesture. "But! But, I have a valid explanation that I believe all will find to be both concise _and_ logical."

"And what would that be?" Foxy snarled, sheer _contempt_ dripping from his every word.

"Simplicity itself, my good man," Boss huffed matter-of-factly as he bit back into his cigar. "We're badasses." He promptly raised his flippers into the air, which Zoro and Sanji proceeded to high five without even looking.

Foxy failed to formulate a reply for that, at which point Vivi tapped him on his shoulder. _That_ caused him to bellow out a furious "WHAT!?"

Vivi blinked and slowly dug a finger through her ear before responding. "Alright, first? _Loud,_ and I live with the loudest snail in the world, so that's really saying something. And second?" She spread her hands helplessly. "I'm afraid that the fact of the matter is that regardless of the details of _how_ your 'Groggy Monsters' got assaulted in such a way, it doesn't really change the outcome."

"Outcome? What outcome!?" Porche demanded incredulously.

Vivi slowly turned her head to smile at the diva, and by smile, I mean a Robin-grade give-Sea-Kings-existential-dread _**smile.**_ "Why, the fact that you've unequivocally lost the second round of the Davy Back Fight, of course."

The silence that resulted was as loud and boisterous as any Sea King. Heck, it was so quiet that the 'caw caw caw' of a crooooooooooooooooooooooow flying overhead was heard by all.

I glanced upwards at the passing bird. "Huh, so that's actually a thing here."

" _What,"_ Foxy hissed, his voice sounding straight-up _possessed._

"Well, of _course_ you've lost, Foxy," Vivi said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world as she started digging through her pockets. "It's quite clearly stipulated in the, ergh, rules, damn it, where did I—? Ah-hah!" Vivi finally yanked a piece of paper from her pocket, holding it up in triumph. "There we go! Now then, let's see here…"

Vivi took out a pair of reading glasses I knew for a _fact_ that she didn't need and held them before her eyes as she analyzed the paper. "As dictated in Chapter 1, Section B, Sub-section 24, paragraph 16 of the 7th Edition Official Davy Back Fight Rulebook, and I _quote, 'if at any point after the selection of the teams, a member of any given team is rendered unable to participate, said team must continue without that player. Should all members of the team be rendered incapable of participation, then the match is automatically forfeited.'"_ Vivi primly removed the glasses and shut them with a _click._ "End quote."

The rapidfire rustling of paper drew attention over to Itomimizu, who was tearing through the pages of a massive tome in a blind panic. After a few seconds of searching, the wide-mouth stopped on a specific page and began tracing his finger down the paper, frantically muttering to himself before suddenly jerking back with a gasp of shock. "S-SHE'S RIGHT!"

"I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT, YOU MORON, I KNOW THAT BOOK BY HEART!" Foxy roared. "WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE THE _HELL_ SHE GOT HER HANDS ON A COPY!"

I was forced to bite down on my tongue in order to restrain my laughter when Nami's whistling amped up _even louder._

"Those details are irrelevant and immaterial, Mister Fox," Vivi hummed in a tone of voice that was only borderline civil. "All that matters now are the facts of the situation at hand, which are hence: the members of the team you selected are in no state to play. Without any members, you don't have a team. Without a team, you cannot participate in Round Two. And because you cannot participate in Round Two, you forfeit by default. In summary, _Mister_ Fox…"

" **YOU LOSE,"** the Voice of God sounded out with all the intensity of a death knell.

And once again, dead silence fell. But it lasted for all of one second before Foxy fell to his knees, making a sound like a leaking balloon. "… I've been beaten… at cheating… how…?" he mumbled through his depression.

Vivi held her pleasant smile as she knelt before the Captain, and slowly lifted his chin so that he was looking at her. "I just wanted to make sure you understood something, Mister Fox," she stated in a kind tone of voice. "This whole time, whether or not we cheated or played fair was entirely irrelevant. Do you know why?" She clapped his shoulder firmly. "Either way, you never stood a snowball's chance in the desert against us."

And with that, Vivi stood up, leaving Foxy to stare ahead in blank-eyed horror as she turned to address the equally-paralyzed ref. "Oh, Mister Referee~!" she sing-songed, snapping the man out of his shock. "If you would be so kind as to announce the verdict of this match, I would _very_ much appreciate it."

The ref shuddered fearfully as he snapped his gaze between her and Foxy. "I-I-I, uh, I-I d-don't—!"

Without a hint of warning, Vivi's expression suddenly shifted to a look that _screamed_ nothing short of cold-blooded murder. " _NOW."_

The ref jumped in terror and flailed for a second as he fumbled with the whistle he'd tossed in his panic before finally managing to grab hold of it with both of his shaking hands—

_FWEEEEEEEEEEET!_

And announce our crew's unmitigated _victory._ And at that moment, the Straw Hats erupted in raucous celebration. I took the opportunity to strut over to Itomimizu and snag Chubby's microphone. "And, with the Foxy Pirates beaten at their own game of rules-lawyering, the Straw Hat Pirates steal the victory before the _notorious_ Groggy Monsters can do anything whatsoever! And now, it's time for the Straw Hats to choose which of the Foxy Pirates they want to take for their crew!"

I didn't spare any thought towards what they'd do; maybe if Luffy hadn't remembered what he did from Shanks, they would have considered stealing Foxy to win the last match by default. But as it was, Luffy wouldn't be cheated out of the whole reason he accepted this fight, especially with the added rage of me having gone briefly away, regardless of our well-placed confidence that I'd come back. So, there was really only one thing that they could say.

Buuut that didn't mean I wasn't going to milk this opportunity that I _knew_ I would never get again for all it was worth. "So, who will they choose? The emcee Itomimizu has quite a lot of character, and maybe they'd want to take him for his role in causing them to lose the last game! But, by that logic, they might want to choose the fast-swimming Monda, despite their inability to communicate two ways with the shark, or the much more appealing choice of Porche, the deceptively powerful and beautiful first mate! Or, I _suppose_ that I, Jeremiah Cross, could be a good choice."

Both crews were looking at me with equal parts exasperation and amusement as I started whistling nonchalantly. "Buuut, honestly, if I'm not chosen, I _suppoooose_ I could stay here for another—"

"SHUT UP AND COME BACK, CROSS!" Luffy cheered joyously.

"Somebody cut this ugly-ass mask out of my hood right this instant before I rip it out with my bare hands!" I announced as I marched back to my _real_ crew, pushing the hood of my hoodie away from my face. "Leave the ears though, I like 'em."

"I have to admit, I like them too," Su remarked.

" **THAT ain't** _saying MUCH,"_ Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

"Damn straight!" Leo snickered as he unsheathed one of his swords. "Now then, stay _veeery_ still, Cross…" He then moved his arm so fast it blurred, and the mask dropped away before my eyes.

I waved my hand before my face before sighing in relief. "Ah, now that's _much_ better. Only one thing missing now!" I held my hand up to Conis. "If you would do me the inestimable honor of snailing me, m'lady?"

Conis chuckled lightly at the display. "It would be my _honor,_ Cross." And with that, she tossed Soundbite over to me, and I caught the grinning snail easily before putting him back on my shoulder.

I rolled my shoulder with a contented sigh. "Ah, much better. I was _really_ missing this dead weight!"

" **And I was missing** MY FAVORITE _**mobile arm-chair!"**_ Soundbite snickered with his tongue stuck out.

"Heh. But you know, if I didn't enjoy anything else while I was there, I have to say that the Foxy Pirates have a _very_ interesting library," I said. "On the note of which… Soundbite, Gastro-Amp."

" _Gladly!"_ the snail chirped.

"In light of how clearly shocking this victory was," I drawled. "I propose that we initiate a two-hour break until the preparation for the final round of the Davy Back Fight. Are there any objections?" Nobody replied. "Good, two hours it is then." I moved my hand across my throat, and Soundbite stopped as I clapped my hands. "Now, let's get back to the Merry." I frowned solemnly as I eyed the Foxy's. "We need to do a bit of strategizing with what I found out."

An uneventful period of walking later, aside from Zoro and Sanji gladly resuming their rivalry and brawls, found us gathered around the Merry's table with walls of wood and sound blocking out any eavesdroppers. At that point, I turned to the crew. "Alright, first things first: that was _genius,_ you guys. I mean, I already had a cheat lined up, but it wasn't a surefire thing and had a good chance of flopping. You guys pulled off something better than I could before mine even triggered and for that…" I grinned goofily as I ran my hands through my hair beneath my hat. "Man, this means more to me then you can even imagine."

"Would you believe that it was all Soundbite's idea?" Chopper asked. "I guess some of your skills have rubbed off on him."

I raised my eyebrows and looked at the gastropod, who was grinning proudly. "…OK, are you telling the truth, or is some sort of bet going on that I'll actually buy that right away?"

"Both," several voices groused, fishing around in their pockets for bills and trading them around to several smug onlookers.

"I'M SMART, _Cross_ **IS** _ **smarter.**_ **Even if he** _ **DOESN'T ALWAYS**_ _ACT LIKE IT!"_

"Oh, shut up," I said good-naturedly before turning my attention to Vivi. "And I have to say, that 'frigid Stepford Smiler' act was… was _pure awesomeness_. First out-haggling Nami, now out-cheating Foxy? I suppose next you're going to out—"

"Cross," Luffy warned.

I raised my hands defensively. "Oh, fine, fine… Well, I guess we should hurry up and get to the serious stuff." I locked eyes with my captain. "Luffy, do you have any ideas in mind for what to do when you win the captain's fight? I mean, the way I saw it, you took their Jolly Roger and gave it to Tonjit, but I'm guessing you don't feel quite so inclined this time around."

Luffy frowned thoughtfully for a second, but in the end he nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. If that bastard had actually hurt Shelly then I probably would have, but she's alright now, so…"

"That's what I thought," I nodded solemnly. "Then in that case, if you'll hear me out…" I looked around the room. "I'd like to suggest who we choose as our prize, as well as _how_ we go about it. Now!" I held my hands up hastily. "You're all going to think I'm absolutely _nuts_ and, believe me, I know that it's a nut-house grade crazy idea, but I honestly believe that this will benefit us in the long run."

"You and your long cons and high stakes gambles," Nami said, rolling her eyes. "I'm honestly impressed that you've managed to make me say that _twice_ now."

"Oh, come on, it can't be crazier than what he's done so far," Zoro said. "What's your idea, Cross?"

Before answering, I slid on my headphones and made sure that they were properly secured, because I sure as heck was going to need them.

Sadly, I… miscalculated somewhat, as ten seconds after I tendered my suggestion, I was struck by a barrage of pure muscle, as opposed to the barrage of sound I'd been expecting.

**-o-**

Two hours later, I sank into a sitting position on the figurehead of the Foxy's ship with a groan, leaning my back back as I tried to relax. Freaking _hell,_ was that not pleasant.

"Hello, Cross," Ito sneered at me with a sidelong glance as he tapped his foot patiently keeping a distracted eye on the interim fight that was going on a few feet away from us. "Have a fun reunion with your crew?"

"Shut that damn bear trap you call a jaw and hand me that thermos of hot chocolate you're carrying, pencilneck," I growled as I held my hand out to him.

Itomimizu cocked his eyebrow in surprise before shrugging and tossing said thermos to me.

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite spoke up hesitantly as he glanced at the thermos. " **Think I could** _ **try some of—?"**_

"Go chug a salt shaker," I deadpanned.

" _FAIR NUFF."_

I started chugging the nice and scalding cocoa, relishing in how the burn of the liquid coursing down my throat obscured the _rest_ of the aches I was suffering from. And good God, was I suffering from a lot.

After I made my (admittedly insane-sounding) proposal, my dear, _dear_ friends and comrades had promptly put me through two. Whole. _Hours_ of what could best be described as a gauntlet of anti-brainwashing techniques, impostor trials and forced detoxification. I won't go into the details, for the sake of both my sanity and the sleep of decent folks everywhere, but suffice to say it was almost enough to make me reconsider the whole idea _just_ so that it would come to an end sooner. Thankfully, I managed to pass on the rationalization I had for my decision before the break time was up, though by that time I already felt like a tenderized steak.

One rigged cannon shot and ten minutes later, the majority of both our crews were situated in the stands that the Foxy's had constructed in order to watch the show go down. I was waiting on the ship's figurehead with a less-than-enthused Itomimizu so that we could make the introductions, while the rest of the crew sans Usopp, Luffy, and Sanji were up in the stands, looking forward to the upcoming match. Sanji was occupied with preparing the test I'd had in mind since Alabasta, while Usopp and Luffy were, of course, preparing for the match.

The Foxy Pirates were in a state of anticipation; they'd only barely managed to win the first round, and the second round ended before it started, so they were equal parts determined and nervous as they awaited the start of the final round, the only one that, according to them, they had never lost before. 920 Captain's Duels, 920 victories. Well, it looked like that perfect record was about to come to an end.

At last, Itomimizu took hold of Chubby's mic, having apparently received a signal, and I stood up and did the same with my transceiver.

**-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

_SLAP!_

"YEOWCH!" Woop Slap yelped, shaking his hand out with an agonized grimace. "Damn it, Makino, will you please—!"

"No, _you_ listen to me, Mayor!" Makino snapped as she waved the ladle she was holding at him. "I might respect you, but this is _my_ bar and Bluey is _my_ snail, so it is _my_ decision, and this broadcast, however controversial it might be, is the most reliable source for information on Luffy's journey in the world. So, _no_ , Woop Slap, I will _not_ hang it up." She crossed her arms. "And why are you strident about not listening, anyway? The World Government's reaction? Need I remind you that those bastards are the self-same people who _killed_ Ace and Luffy's brother!?"

"And they'll do the same to us if we needlessly antagonize them!" Woop Slap snarled, slamming his cane on the bar to punctuate the point.

Makino's glare wavered for a second before she steeled herself and turned to her Transponder Snail. "That's a chance I'm willing to take." And with that, she turned around and picked up the receiver, already a ways into the broadcast.

"— _apologize for the sudden cut off, but there were complications beyond our control. You see, after we last left off, we did, in fact, barely lose to the Foxy Pirates on the Donut Race. As a result, one of ours was lost to the Foxy Pirates. More specifically…"_ The snail grimaced. "I _was briefly part of their crew."_

"Hmph. The rubber brat was too cocky, and paid the consequences."

_THWACK!_

"Ow!" Woop Slap yelped and raised his hands defensively as the ladle raised again for another strike. "Alright, alright!"

" _But! Thankfully enough, via a_ total freak accident that no one could have predicted—" A distinct grumbling sound came over the connection, not sounding like Cross. " _The second round, known as the Groggy Ring, was over before it began, resulting in my return to my rightful place at my crew's side. And so, we now come to the_ real _event, the main reason that our captain accepted this most dangerous game in the first place: the Captains' Duel."_

Woop Slap was clearly struggling not to drop another snide remark, if the constipated grimace on his face was anything to go by. Luckily, another one of the bar's patrons did it for him.

"Aw, c'mon, Luffy! His face can't have been ugly enough to risk a crewmate to bash it in!"

Makino frowned, but found herself unable to provide a rationalization for that.

" _Now, as for those of you wondering why Luffy elected to take on this challenge, rather than simply bashing his face in right then and there? Well, as we've stated before, we don't kill our opponents… or at least, not in body. We beat them at their own game, on their own turf, and leave them alive to watch everything they have crumble around them. In short, Luffy accepted this challenge so that he could bring Foxy's world crashing down around his ears."_

" _FAT CHANCE OF THAT!"_ came the outraged voice of Itomimizu. " _Our captain has played this game nine hundred and twenty times, and won every single one of them!"_

" _Oh, yeah?"_ Cross drawled. " _Well, this will be Luffy's first and hopefully only Captain's Duel ever, and I guarantee you that he won't lose."_

"How about a toast to our champion?" Makino suggested over Itomimizu's incensed growling.

Woop Slap glowered, but accepted a glass with a sigh. "Fine. I might hate his career choice, but I certainly won't mind him beating up another pirate," he reluctantly admitted.

Makino started refilling glasses as Ito got his wits back about him. " _Well, either way, it looks like it's time for the fight to begin! First, entering from the left ear—!"_

" _Don't ask,"_ Cross deadpanned.

" _The man with a million plans! The champion of cheating! The undisputed king of the Davy Back Fight! The_ undefeated _victor of 920 duels! Weighing in at_ _24 Million, our captain and beloved boss, Foxy the Silver Fox!"_

A chorus of cheers and cries of adulation rang out, all to the tune what sounded like an entire brass band and topped by a confident " _FEH FEH FEH FEH!"_

" _Top that,_ " Ito scoffed cheekily.

" _Gladly. Now, then… Entering from the right ear…"_ Cross proclaimed as an energetic song started playing. " _Hailing from the East Blue, one of the most unique men alive! The Rubber-Brained Brawler, the Behemoth who always bounces back, the man who_ never _follows the plan, the son of a bitch who just doesn't know how or when to quit! Weighing in at a heaping_ _100 Million, our captain and the future King of the Pirates! MOOOONKEY D. 'STRAW HAT' LUUUUUFFYYYYY!"_

" _YEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"_

An even _louder_ chorus of cheers rang out this time, no doubt generated by the crew's snail, but the bar's patrons and its owner were content to knock back their shots to it nonetheless.

" _Wow!"_ Itomimizu yelped in shock. " _It would appear that for this fight, Straw Hat Luffy has decided to don an afro that's larger than life, and looks like it's got the personality to match!"_

The bar patrons promptly spat out their drinks at that particular statement and the image it conjured, though for a variety of reasons.

Woop Slap, for example, was furiously waving his cane in the air. "DAMN IT, LUFFY, CAN'T YOU GO TEN SECONDS WITHOUT EMBARRASSING THIS HUMBLE VILLAGE!? SHAME! SHAME ON YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! _SOMEONE MAKE A NOTE OF THIS!"_

Makino, meanwhile, didn't discipline the mayor for his words because she was too busy pounding the bar as she roared with laughter, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

**-o-**

Vivi blinked slowly as she took in the spectacle before her, her expression carefully blank. "It's like watching Luffy eat…" she quietly breathed. "I know that it's horrific on a deep and basic level…" She slowly tilted her head to the side, her face never changing. "But I just can't bring myself to look away."

"So…" Conis asked, glancing between her friends as she pointed at her captain and his new head of hair. "I take it that this is _not_ normal on the Blue Seas?"

"It ish fow us, anyways…" Carue quacked as he munched down on wingful after wingful of popcorn.

"... I'm okay with this," Nami simply stated.

Zoro looked at her in surprise. "Seriously? Because these seem like the kind of antics that would set you off."

"About a month or so ago?" The navigator shrugged indifferently. "Maybe so. But after all we've been through? No, no, I'm… quite simply numb to it. Especially something as relatively tame as this."

Zoro looked unconvinced, but the sound of crying drew their attention and he dropped it. Navigator and swordsman glanced over to where Boss had been sitting to find him prostrated on the ground, tears streaming down his face.

"B-Boss!" his students cried, gathering around him in concern.

"Are you alright, Boss?!" "What's wrong?" "Are you hurt?" "I-Is this another Romance!?"

"No… No, my students, that object is no mere Romance…" the senior dugong breathed as he shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes. "What you see before you…" Boss suddenly shot to his tail, arms spread wide before the world. "WHAT YOU SEE IS NOTHING LESS THAN A MAN'S _MIRACLE!_ A HEAVENSENT SIGN INTENDED TO DO NOUGHT ELSE BUT TO BRING TO THE WORLD THE GOOD MESSAGE OF TESTOSTERONE AND ABSOLUTELY RIPPED ABS!"

"OH, BOSS!" the TDWS wept, flippers clasped together.

Boss then proceeded to point a 'finger' into the air. "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I TOO SHALL DON THE AFRO, _FOR GREAT MANLI—!"_

_THWACK!_

"AND _THAT'S_ WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE!" Nami raged, her Clima-Tact _still_ smoking from being cracked over the now-insensate Dugong's skull.

"BOSS, NO!" his students wept anew, this time out of misery.

Nami huffed and sat back in her seat, fuming silently as Luffy posed and grandstanded before she heaved a sigh of defeat. She was silent for a moment before smiling coyly and glancing to her left. "Well, everyone else might have gone mad, but at least _you're_ still sane, right, Sanji? … Sanji?" Nami turned to the cook in concern when she saw that he was hunched forwards and shivering violently. "Sanji, are you alri—?"

"SO FUNKY!" the cook roared with a _distinct_ accent as he shot to his feet without warning, fists raised to the heavens. "I CAN FEEL HIS JIVE LIGHTIN' A FIRE IN MY SOUL!"

"OH, COME ON!" Nami roared furiously.

" _AMEN, BROTHER SANJI!"_ Cross roared from the Sexy Foxy in the _exact_ same accent, where he was _clearly_ pointing at Sanji.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" the navigator roared at their tactician furiously, knowing _full well_ that he could hear her.

" _FEEL THE FUNK BLAZE THROUGH YOU LIKE A GREAT INFERNO, LIFTING YOUR SPIRITS EVER HIGHER, SO THAT YOUR SOULS MIGHT REACH THE GREAT HEAVENS!"_ Cross proclaimed as he grinned like an absolute madman. " _PRAISE BE TO THE AFRO! PRAISE BE TO THE JIVE! PRAISE BE TO THE_ FUNK, _THE RHYTHM AND THE RHYME_! CAN A BROTHER GET A HALLELUJAH?"

" **HALLELUJAH!"** Soundbite concurred through his ecstatic cackling, the words accompanied by a _blaring_ brass section.

" _Don't believe me, just watch!"_

The beat continued, most of the audience finding themselves bobbing their heads to the music.

" **HALLELUJAH!"** Soundbite belted out again.

" **HALLELUJAH!"** the crowd roared, Boss' voice rising above all others.

"Yeah, you go, gatemouth!" Su waved her tail eagerly. "Jive with the groove, stick it to the man, show your hep chops!" She then blinked in confusion. "I have no idea what the _hell_ I just said."

Back in the stands, Nami, face inscrutable, slowly eased her hand over to the loudly cheering Sanji, and then slipped it into his pocket. She was just lifting his lighter out when a hand blossomed out of Sanji's side and gently pushed it back in. "Nooooo," Robin hummed in a kind tone without so much as looking at Nami.

"But it would feel _sooo_ good…" Nami whined childishly.

"I know, sweetie, I know."

**-o-**

"Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around, don't you _dare_ turn around," Hina muttered feverishly to herself.

She was determinedly focusing her attention on anything _but_ the raucous cheering behind her, dancing along to the beat from the snail. Jango and Fullbody were expected. The rest of her crew, she supposed she should have expected to crack sooner or later. But she had higher standards. She was more professional than this. She would _not_ look at the party that was going on behind her, despite how tempted she was to do so. She would not allow herself to move to the music, despite how _very_ tempted she was to do so. She _would not—_

" _ **HALLELUJAH!"**_ roared the snail.

" _HALLELUJAH!"_ she echoed along with the rest of the people onboard. She instantly clapped a hand to her mouth in shock. She held it there for a few seconds before her eyes narrowed.

"…Damn you, Cross, Smoker is never going to let me hear the end of this," she ground out. And then, bidding farewell to her sanity, she turned around and let the funk sweep her away.

**-o-**

Around her eleventh pizza, eighth burger, and sixteenth bowl of noodles of the day, Jewelry Bonney of the Bonney Pirates was struggling to keep from choking. The amount of food was no problem for her, she could eat twice her weight within an hour with a good supply and not slow down a bit. No, the problem came from the snail that she was currently listening to. How?

Because though her appetite refused to be sated, she simply could not hold back her laughter at what was happening with the Straw Hat Pirates. Only they could pull off something as ridiculous as this, _only them._

" _Hahaha, ahhh man, I am going to catch_ such _hell for that once this is over and done with…"_ Cross snickered, no doubt wiping a tear out of his eye. " _Well, that was fun, but I think we've delayed enough! Gentlemen, or whatever the hell is appropriate in this instance—man, I have wanted to say this for a_ long _time. Soundbite, appropriate echoing effects, please?"_

" _Go for it,_ MISTER **BUFFER!"**

" _LLLLET'S GET READY TO_ _ **RRRRUMBLLLLLLLLE!"**_

Bonney had to redouble her efforts not to choke as she moved the massive ham on the table to get it in a better position. She pulled the roast pig closer, too.

**-o-**

Itomimizu stared at me in awe. "…Alright, wow. That was _perfect_. I need to use that one from now on."

"Good luck getting the R and L right without Soundbite," I snickered.

The Foxy announcer wilted for a moment before rallying and resuming his commentary. "Alright! All seconds out of the ring!" As Usopp and the other Foxy Pirates exited and we boarded the revitalized Chuchun, he recapped the rules of the fight while I whispered some last minute advice to my captain. No way of knowing how much he'd listen, but we'd have to wait and see.

"Davy Back Fight! Final Round! Foxy the Silver Fox! Versus! Straw Hat Luffy! The clash between two captains, the fates of their crews are in their hands!" Itomimizu concluded. I exchanged glances, and then grins with him and Soundbite.

"LET THE GAME… BEEEEE-GIIIIIN!" the three of us chorused.

- **o-**

The floating restaurant of Takoyaki 8 was currently experiencing the most intense rush it had had in its short time of being an active business.

"Hachin, we need more sake!" called a certain mermaid, scrambling about the remarkably cramped restaurant boat.

"And twelve more orders of Takoyaki!" said a certain talking starfish.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came a call from one of the patrons in an Italian accent.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" the starfish added.

A _HONK!_ came from the direction of the patrons.

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug hastily corrected.

"Nyu, I'm going as fast as I can! I only have so many hands!"

"And I can only swim so fast!"

" _You_ have eight hands and _you're_ the fastest thing under the sea!"

" _That's still not enough!"_ the mermaid and fishman chorused.

And what drew this unprecedented swarm of customers? Quite simple, really: the presence of a few Transponder Snails and the deployment of several floating table-extensions had transformed Takoyaki 8 from a mere stand into the Blue Seas' first floating, mobile sports bar. And today's main attraction? None other than the epic duel between a pirate that most present had never heard of before today and a pirate that anyone within ten miles of a Transponder Snail would have learned of in the last month.

" _And they're off! Luffy starts off with his trademark Gum-Gum Pistol, and—"_ Cross' voice began.

" _And with impressive agility, the Boss dodges and paralyzes Straw Hat's outstretched arm with his Slow-Slow Beam!"_ Itomimizu said eagerly. " _It looks like the bigger they are, the harder they fall! The more he extended himself, the harder he'll trip when the beam's effects wear off!"_

"Come on, Straw Hat!" called one table.

"Get 'im, trickster!" called another.

And somehow, both of them had followings among the listeners, who were putting away food faster than the kitchen could acquire and cook ingredients.

"More orders!" Pappug exclaimed, slapping the tickets toward the two workers as fast as his short limbs allowed him to. "Four batches of calamari and three batches of cuttlefish!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came the Italian voice again.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug repeated.

_HONK!_

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

"When did our menu expand beyond takoyaki anyway, nyu?!" Hachi demanded, flipping, frying, and flinging so fast that his hair started to flop down over his face.

"When we got so many customers that I couldn't gather all the ingredients we needed fast enough, so I gathered other things instead!" Keimi responded, frantically handing off the ingredients before diving down for more.

" _Aaand there it is. Luffy's left lying on the ground, and Foxy's about to fire his beam again. Luffy jumps to avoid it, and—"_

" _And the Boss pulls off a brilliant bluff, and fires his beam in the air instead! And here comes his signature attack, the Nine-Tailed Rush! The boss pummels his target with blow after blow, and when the thirty seconds are up, every hit goes through at once!"_

"Whoa, that power has some serious potential," said one patron.

"It still can't beat a rubber man, blunt blows can't hurt him!" countered another.

"Nyu, Straw Hat may still be in trouble. Trickery is his weak spot," Hachi mused, not pausing in his work even as Keimi resurfaced, the mermaid starting to get a little out of breath.

"Alright, one more order and we've got all the patrons satisfied for now! Eight crab cakes, on the double!" Pappug called.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!"

_HONK!_

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

… _Honk!_

"And one duck egg!"

"WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A DUCK EGG OUT HERE?!" Keimi raged.

"Good point. Sir, would a duck-fish egg be an acceptable substitute?"

_Ho-Honk!_

"Make that one duck-fish egg!"

"Now _that's_ a sane request! Thank you!" Keimi nodded before diving back into the water.

"I'm going to need more employees if this is going to become a regular thing," Hachi moaned, hastening to prepare the dishes for the backed-up kitchen. To his credit, he was making decent progress.

" _And Luffy's sent flying off the ship, but now comes the benefit of being made of rubber! Besides the immunity to lightning, but that story's already told and hopefully will never come into play again. Now, here he comes, getting back on the deck, and—"_

" _And falling right into another one of the Boss's traps!"_

"… _Well, ladies and gentlemen, as much as I hate to say that my fellow commentator is right—"_

" _HEY!"_

"— _I'm afraid he is in this case. Luffy just managed to narrowly dodge a bullet, or rather an un-Slow-Slow'd barrage of arrows, as it were. Given how much Foxy is warping this fight in his favor, I'd say that this demonstrates quite clearly the inherent capabilities of Devil Fruits. There are no weak powers, only weak users. Case in point: Foxy has just used his Slow-Slow Fruit to set up a floating minefield of projectiles. Arrows, bombs, cannonballs, daggers, everything from A to Z, and he's the only one that knows how long they'll stay slow."_

" _It's just our good luck that the arena was our ship where all of those weapons are!"_

" _Good wuck my feathewed yellow wump!"_ came Carue's grumbling voice, inciting snickers from most of the listeners, including the employees.

"Got the crabs!" Keimi called out as she resurfaced with a writhing net held over her head. "Alright, now let's get rid of this rush!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" called the patron.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" echoed Pappug.

_HONK, HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK,_ _**HO-ONK!** _

"It's either foggy out, or make that _twelve_ more hard-boiled eggs," Pappug remarked.

Hachi and Keimi groaned as they got back to work.

**-o-**

" _ **Eesh, and I thought**_ _FOXY'S NARCISSISM WAS BAD_ BEFORE, BUT BOMBS SHAPED **LIKE HIS OWN head?** _ **THAT'S JUST—!"**_

_WHAM!_

" _GAH!"_ Luffy cried out in pain.

" **HOLY SHIT!"**

"What the hell!?" Boodle sat up in his seat, staring at the Transponder Snail as it coughed in Luffy's voice, accompanied by a gout of blood. "But Luffy's a rubber-man, and the previous punches didn't hurt him at all!"

Chouchou whined in agreement, eyes glued to the snail.

" _What the—!?"_ Cross sputtered in confusion. " _Luffy's face looks like a tenderized steak after just one punch when he bounced back from the previous punches without worry! What just happened!?"_

" _Fehfehfehfeh! That's easy!"_ Foxy crowed eagerly. " _I reinforced my gloves!"_

" _Reinforced!? Those things look like fucking_ morningstars!"

" _Hey, this is the_ Grand Line _and I can barely benchpress seventy-five_ , _I need to even the odds somehow! Are you really going to call me out for zat?"_

" _I sure the hell will when it's my captain you're evening them against!"_

" _Feh, so be it. Though to be fair, I'd withhold your hatred for a moment."_

" _Huh? Why?"_

" _Because the thirty seconds on the bombs are up, and they're going to do a_ lot _more than tenderize."_

**KA-BLAM!**

The sound of explosions almost as loud as Cross' foghorn boomed across the connection, and the snail grit its teeth in anxiety for the duration of the din.

" _Luffy? Luffy!? LUUUUFFYYYYY!"_ Usopp cried out desperately.

" _ **DON'T LOOK AT**_ **ME LIKE THAT,** _**that was**_ 100% NATURAL!"

Then came Itomimizu's _supremely_ smug voice again. " _Well, it looks like Straw Hat may have been blown to smithereens! If that's the case, then he loses as soon as one of his body parts leaves the arena! Another victory for our captai—"_

" _HE'S_ **safe!** _ **UP ON**_ the MAST!" Soundbite interrupted.

"WHAT?" Itomimizu roared. " _He—He's right! Straw Hat Luffy dodged to the top of the Sexy Foxy's mast! What incredible speed!"_

" _Don't count on Luffy being a corpse until you actually see him, wide-mouth!"_ Cross cackled.

"Damn right, you lousy rotten cheaters!" Boodle cheered eagerly. "Show them what's what, Straw Hat!"

"Ruff, ruff!" Chouchou barked in agreement, howling his support as loud as he could.

**-o-**

In a country that had gathered much international attention over the last several weeks, both good and bad, within the throne room of the royal palace, a very serious war meeting had come to an abrupt and unexpected hiatus when the SBS began. One exchanged look between the royal family and the representative was all that was needed for them to agree.

"You know, while I'm not surprised that the Revolutionary Army has interest in Jeremiah Cross and his knowledge and activities, it _does_ surprise me that you'd prioritize it over official business," Chaka remarked.

"Especially when the current goings-on don't much affect the world itself," Pell added. "We're certainly not complaining, but we are curious."

The representative chuckled before looking back to the Royal Family. "Well, let's just say that Dragon and I have taken a personal interest in the SBS, and leave it at that. I'm honestly not sure why he hasn't extended the Straw Hats an invitation to join us yet."

"I'm going to tafe— _ahem, mah, mah, MAH!—_ I'm going to take a guess and say that he's hesitant to involve himself in their madness?"

The man chuckled again.

" _Fehfehfehfehfeh…"_

Before they all turned their attention back to the snail as the all-too-familiar laugh echoed out of it.

" _Ooh! Straw Hat may have dodged the first strike, but our Boss is waiting in the smokescreen, ready to strike again! His laughter robs Straw Hat of the opportunity to rest! Where will he strike? How will he strike?"_

" _There! There's his shadow!"_ Cross said. " _And he's… are you kidding?"_

" _How did you like that?"_ Foxy slurred.

" _YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT HURT!"_ Luffy barked.

" _I did not!"_ Foxy snapped indignantly.

" _STOP LYING!"_

"… _Lying so blatantly that_ Luffy _can see through it? This isn't just pathetic, this is starting to become downright_ embarrassing," Cross said in a tone as dry as the Sandora desert.

" _Pathetic…? Embarrassing…?"_ Foxy's voice sobbed in a depressed tone.

" _I'm_ feeling embarrassed from this," muttered King Cobra.

" _GUM-GUM HOOK!"_

A cry of pain from Foxy made the Revolutionary's grin widen.

" _I'm going to break your hand so you can't use that beam anymore!"_

" _Oh, really?"_

" _Aaand Foxy dives back into the smoke. But Luffy spots him and knocks—what the… is that a_ cutout?"

" _Slow-Slow Beam!"_

" _Ugh… alright, another point to Foxy; he's got so many cutouts in the smoke that there's no way of knowing where his beam will come from…"_ Cross was silent for a second before his grin was transmitted around the world. " _If only they didn't all have the same split-headed haircut."_

" _Split-head…?"_

" _There he is!"_

" _STOP PICKING ON MY CAPTAIN!"_ Itomimizu snapped.

" _ONLY WHEN HE STOPS PUNCHING MI—oooh, that's another suckerpunch from Luffy! That has_ gotta _hurt!"_

"You seem to be enjoying the fact that Luffy is winning quite a bit, Mister Revolutionary," Pell observed.

Said Revolutionary blinked. "…Huh. I honestly hadn't noticed. Maybe the SBS has grown on me more than I thought. But I thought I told you that there's no need to be so formal. Please," the Revolutionary grinned as he swept his top hat off and held it to his chest. "Call me Sabo."

**-o-**

" _Alright, now I've got you! Stop running and fight me!"_ Luffy demanded.

" _Grgh…"_ Foxy ground out darkly. " _Okay… if you want a fight… THEN I'LL GIVE YOU ONE! Oh, but one quick thing first."_

" _Huh? What?"_

" _Would you mind looking up one second?"_

" _Come on, not even rubber-brain is_ that _stupid!"_ Su's voice called out.

" _Sure thing! What do you want me to look at?"_

" _Then again, I have been wrong before…"_

" _Oh, nothing much, Straw Hat…"_ Foxy sneered. " _JUST THE LAST SKY YOU'LL SEE IN YOUR LIFE!"_

**KLUNK!**

" _GAH!"_

" _Looks like the Captain managed to successfully trick Luffy into falling into a trapdoor!"_ Itomimizu crowed.

" _Ah, the humble trapdoor,"_ Cross sighed wistfully. " _A true classic in the book of trap-making. Most of the time, there's not a lot of shame in being caught with one."_

" _ **This is**_ **not one OF THOSE TIMES…"** Soundbite groaned.

"Ugh, young people these days," slurred a grizzled grey-haired man as he swayed back and forth on his stool. "Playing around with all these gimmicks and tomfoolery and tricks and stuff… whatever happened to just clashing fists, swords, or pistols like real men?"

"If it's any consolation, Straw Hat sounds almost as frustrated as you are," the nearby bartender pointed out.

"Urgh… that's _some_ mercy, but even with the motive he has, he _still_ agreed to the game," Rayleigh grumbled, tossing back his empty bottle onto the growing pile and reaching for another. "And besides, I know about the Groggy Ring. The only way he could have ended _that_ early was by playing even dirtier than the foxes." Having acquired a new bottle, the Dark King yanked the cork out with his teeth and promptly knocked back a mouthful. "Good grief. Things used to be so simple, too."

"Even so, is one crew's Davy Back Fight trickery really enough to make you want to drink this much?"

"Check the month," Rayleigh replied.

Frowning as the SBS reported Luffy getting back on the deck with his powers, Shakky did so. She proceeded to stiffen for a moment before giving Raleigh a sympathetic look. "I see. Take care on your trip to Loguetown. And pour one out for me as well."

Rayleigh cracked a sad smile around the bottle's muzzle.

" _Aha! Straw Hat takes the captain's bait, and so the fight moves into the ship itself! Now we can't even see what's going on!"_

" _Maybe not, Ito, but we can still hear it, and that's half of the equation! Right, Soundbite?"_

"I AM **ZE** _ **GREATEST IN Za Warudo!"**_

**-o-**

" _Alright, so courtesy of Soundbite's abilities, we'll be broadcasting everything that happens in the ship. Buuut to keep things fair, we won't broadcast what Foxy and Luffy say to each other. I mean,_ our _captain doesn't need trickery to win, really."_

" _HEEHEEHEEhoohoohoo!_ **BURN!"**

" _Your faith in your captain is admirable, but we'll see how well he actually does!"_

"And here's hoping it's a flashy smackdown with that rubber idiot on the receiving end!" Buggy barked with a pump of his fist. "Go, my brother in flashiness! Pound that rubber-brained bastard's head into the ground!"

"Hmm hmm, yes, best of luck to—hm?" Alvida paused in her chuckling as a thought struck her. "Wait a second… Buggy, you're always quite specific when you write in the logbook, yes?"

"But of course!" The pirate-clown raised his nose in a sniff, unwittingly causing a tsunami on the opposite side of the world in the process. "I might embellish and make things read as slightly flashier than they really were, but I never lie! Believe me…" Buggy's expression became ashen, visible even under his makeup. "The first mate of the first ship I worked on made _sure_ of that…"

"Right…" Alvida cocked her eyebrow at the reaction before continuing. "But anyway, I read your log awhile back, and the thought occurs to me… besides stabbing Roronoa and doing some damage to Luffy's hat, did you ever actually _manage_ to land a—" She stopped as she processed the disembodied hand holding a knife mere millimeters in front of her eye.

"Your Smooth-Smooth skin is supposed to protect you from any attacks, be they bladed or blunted," Buggy stated in a tone of frigid calm. "But I'm personally curious as to whether or not it protects your eyes if something is shoved in _hard enough_ , too. So help me, Alvida, if you don't stop provoking me, I'll find out, and you may find yourself looking more like a stereotypical pirate. Am I clear?"

Alvida did not flinch, but neither did she continue to speak. Buggy withdrew the blade with a huff. "And for the record, I _did_ draw blood, and more importantly, I got him to be serious. That's at least more than _you_ ever did."

Buggy took _great_ satisfaction in the ugly scowl that marred Alvida's face.

" _Anyway, it would appear that Luffy's still looking for Foxy, and is currently searching the ship's rather impressive gun deck. Ah, but wait! A closing door has indicated Foxy's position!"_

" _A door on the gun deck, huh?"_ Ito grinned eagerly. " _Then that can only mean the nefarious Spike Hell trap! It looks like Luffy's in quite a bind, because if he rushes in blindly, he'll suffer the consequences of that which lies beyond!"_

" _Huh? There's a trap beyond the door?"_ Luffy asked in surprise. " _Wow, thanks, wide-mouth!"_

" _Wait, wha—YOU'RE STILL BROADCASTING WHAT WE'RE SAYING TO THEM!?"_

" **Yes ah am,** _ **yes ah am!"**_

" _WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM NOT NEEDING TRICKERY!?"_

" _Well, first off, I only said that we wouldn't broadcast_ their _voices to_ each other, _and second, while Luffy doesn't_ need _trickery to win, I'm sure as hell not above perpetrating it for his sake! I'm_ sure _that's a concept you're familiar with, no?"_

" _Grrrghh…"_

_BOOM!_

" _Gah! What was tha—? DID HE JUST FIRE A CANNON INSIDE OUR SHIP?!"_

" _ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, STRAW HAT?!"_

" _Hey, widemouth said that there was a trap in there, so I just didn't go in!"_

" _Widemou—? ITOMIMIZU, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A PUNCHING BAG!"_

" _MEEP!"_

" _ **Oh, yeah, now**_ **I REMEMBER!** HE REMINDS ME OF _BEAKER! GEEZE, THAT'S_ _ **BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY…"**_

" _Well, now that you mention it…"_

" _I AM NOT A MUPPET!"_

"…Well, _that's_ a phrase I never thought I'd hear again," Buggy muttered to himself.

Alvida shot him a bemused look. "What the hell kind of ship did you serve on before going independent?"

"That, my dear, is a secret that I fully intend to take to my grave," Buggy replied, halfway between smug and serious.

" _Huh. Wasn't sure you'd know that one,"_ Cross muttered. " _Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Luffy was hunting down Foxy so that he could pound his face in."_

" _Not for long, he's not,"_ Foxy muttered, along with the sound of a closing door. " _Foxy Face Transformation!"_

**-o-**

" _Oh, hello, dear!"_

The members of Thriller Bark's locally infamous Mysterious Four stared at the Transponder Snail in a combination of shock and horror as an _ear-achingly_ falsetto voice scratched at their ears.

" _What brings you here, hm?"_ Foxy asked faux-meekly, his voice quite obviously wavering from fatigue. " _A-Are you numb? Is it your skull? That's it, isn't it, you're a numbskull?"_

"That is both one of the best _and_ worst medical pun-insults that I have heard in all my life," Hogback deadpanned.

"…I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Foxy thought that would fool anyone, or the fact that it apparently _has_ if he's actually still _using_ it," Absalom muttered, and then frowned deeper as the sound of a door closing and footfalls came across the connection. "And there we are, Straw Hat's leaving, more testament to his sheer—"

" _OH, WAIT! That face…"_

"Oh? Is there hope for Straw Hat yet?" Moria wondered aloud.

" _HEY! ARE YOU HIS SISTER?"_

"Apparently not," Hogback sighed.

" _Well, well, it would seem that Foxy's utterly pathetic ploy has actually managed to work! How any mask, especially one_ that _horrific, could possibly hide that amount of ugliness, utterly_ boggles _the mind!"_

The sound of someone slumping to their knees, along with a heavy metallic clunk, was clearly transmitted. " _I wish I was a sea slug…"_ a pathetic voice whimpered.

"…Perona, when did you expand your range that much?" Absalom asked the bemused Ghost Princess.

"I didn't. He's just got the lowest self-esteem I've ever heard of," she said dryly.

A sudden _THWACK_ cracked over the connection, causing the snail to wince. " _OW! WATCH IT, ITO!"_

" _WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!?"_ the opposing commentator snarled back. " _BOSS, YOU'RE NOT UGLY! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! YOUR WHOLE CREW IS BEHIND YOU!"_

" _Fehfehfehfeh!"_ Foxy piped up smugly. " _But of course I am! None are greater than Silver Fox Foxy!"_

A heavy sweatdrop hung from Perona's head. "Make that the most _delicate_ self-esteem I've ever heard of."

" _Wait a second… YOU'RE FOXY, AREN'T YOU!?"_ Luffy suddenly roared.

"… _Whoops,"_ Foxy and Ito chorused, before a series of rapid footfalls and doors opening came across the connection. Finally, it stopped.

" _I'm gonna kick your—"_

" _W-WAIT, WAIT! C-Can you at least wait long enough for me to take my pain medication?"_ Foxy hastily begged.

Luffy's grumble was audible, but he didn't deny him. And a few seconds later, there was the sound of a bottle opening…

_SPROING!_ " _AH, what the—?"_

" _SLOW-SLOW BEAM, DINGUS!"_

"… _Soundbite? I think I recognized that sound. Please tell me that I didn't. PLEASE tell me that Foxy didn't just outsmart Luffy with literally the oldest trick in the book."_

" _ **I wish I could, Cross.**_ _I REALLY WISH_ I could," Soundbite moaned. "He fell for the _PAPER SNAKES_ _ **IN A BOTTLE!"**_

" _Luffy, you complete fucking moron."_

" _Fehfehfehfehfeh! That's the one trick I've kept that's never worked before, it was just too much of a classic to discard! I honestly didn't think I'd ever use it as more than a party favor!"_ Foxy cackled. " _Now then, in return for all the pain you've dealt me… NINE-TAILED RUSH!"_

" _AAAAAAAARGH!"_ Luffy _slowly_ cried out in pain as yet _another_ round of impacts rang out.

Absalom winced and rubbed his jaw sympathetically. "I have an inch of leather protecting me, and even _I_ think that hurts..."

"Kishishishi!" Moriah snickered grimly as he bared his fangs. "It just goes to show: never underestimate the tricksters! Represent, Foxy! Kishishishi!"

Finally, the barrage halted, and Foxy was left panting and wheezing. " _Eesh… that took it out of me… never had to do so many Rushes in succession... credit to you, Straw Hat, you're one of the toughest fights I've had in years. But now… we move to something_ horrible." The sound of mechanical grinding, followed by the echoey howl of wind. " _Ah, but of course, it's not alive. After all, that would be against the rules. I presume the snail can attest to that, no?"_

" _Soundbite?"_

" _ **It might not be alive**_ **BUT SOMETHING'S SURE THE HELL** _ **DOWN THERE!?**_ _WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?"_

" _Your captain is about to find out. Time's up, Straw Hat."_

The sound of fists smacking into rubbery flesh rang out anew, and Luffy cried out in both pain and panic for a second before his voice suddenly took on an echoey tone.

**-o-**

"Sounds like Straw Hat's in SUPER! trouble now. I wonder what Split-head's gonna do next?" wondered a man in a very revealing outfit.

"I'm wondering what he deems so horrible that he purposely led Straw Hat to it. It must be a powerful weapon," said another man wearing half a pair of unique goggles, his perpetual grin faded in favor of a thoughtful expression.

" _Ugh… man, that hurt..."_ Luffy groaned miserably before blinking in confusion. " _Wait… where am I? And where's that dumb fox!?"_

" _Up here, Straw Hat!"_ Foxy's voice suddenly called out. " _And to answer your first question, you're deep in what I call the belly of the beast! Allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of over a dozen shipwrights and inventors from all corners of the world collaborating to create the perfect war machine!"_ A mechanical howl of fury rang out throughout the room. " _THE GORILLA PUNCHER #13!"_

" _Huh… that's actually kinda cool,"_ Luffy whistled. " _One question though."_

" _What?"_

" _Is the gorilla head necessary?"_

"… _Necessary?"_ Foxy repeated.

"Whatever that thing is, it has a gorilla head?" Mozu asked in a dull tone.

"They built _13_ of them?" Kiwi concurred.

" _Luffy actually_ knows _a word with that many syllables?"_ Nami's voice asked in the same tone.

" _COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!"_ Foxy roared, fury obvious in his voice. " _YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING MUCH WHEN I BEAT YOU INTO A PULP! GORILLA PUNCHER #13, DEPLOY!"_

A whiffing sound came from the call, followed by Soundbite's confused voice.

"ITO, what exactly _**is**_ **THAT THING?!"**

" _Ah, I didn't think I'd ever get to answer that question!"_ Ito said happily. " _The Gorilla Puncher #13 is the Boss' ultimate weapon! A 36-foot-tall machine with 25 five-foot tall boxing gloves attached to the front! They deploy at the boss' orders, firing hard, firing fast, and just outright_ firing, _bursting into flames on impact! What's more, the room it's in has a mirror in the back to reflect the Boss' Slow-Slow Beams, making it nearly impossible to dodge the gloves! And, as the final touch, it's even capable of moving on caterpillar treads!"_

" _ **Yeah, at what sounds like**_ **A MILLIMETER A** _MINUTE!"_

" _Unfortunately, that's because the only way to power the machine is via peddling! As glorious as our boss is, he's not really what you'd call a 'leg man'."_

Franky suddenly stiffened before taking a piece of paper out and starting to sketch on it, his face a mask of concentration.

"What's up, Big Bro?" the Square Sisters asked as they looked over his shoulder.

"Well, you know, all things considered, while I'm SUPER! inclined to root for the Straw Hats..." Franky cracked his neck side to side with an eager grin. "I can't help but feel inspired by that machine. I think I might even go for an upgrade!"

" _Yeah, like that wasn't obvious before,"_ cut in Cross's wry tone.

" _OKAY, NOW YOU'RE JUST STARTING TO PISS ME OFF, CROSS!"_ Foxy raged.

" _Would you prefer I leave that to Soundbite instead?"_

" _ **Ooooooh—!"**_ the snail started to sing eagerly.

"… _Withdrawn,"_ Foxy grumbled. " _NOW, BACK TO MY WELL-DESERVED VENGEANCE! NORO-NORO BEA—!"_

_SMASH!_

" _GAH! THE MIRROR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST, YOU BASTARD!?"_

" _About a tenth of Porche's cosmetic budget?"_ Chopper cut in.

"WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE—… _huh. Actually, that's about right,"_ Porche admitted.

" _I just took Nami's usual wardrobe budget and doubled it."_

_THWACK!_

" _OW! DAMN IT, I WASN'T EVEN AMPED THAT TIME!"_

" _STOP GOING THROUGH MY RECEIPTS FOR SCRAP-PAPER, MISTLETOE-BREATH!"_

" _YOU MEAN HOLLY, AND I DON'T EVEN_ LIKE _IT!"_

" _ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CAPTAIN'S DUEL HERE!"_ Foxy roared furiously.

"Oh, fine. **We'll let** _ **LUFFY get back to**_ **POUNDING YOU!"**

" _Right! GUM-GUM PISTOL!"_

The sound of a heavy blow hitting flesh rang out, followed by a cry of pain.

"GAH! _That's it, Straw Hat, you're through! Slow-Slow Beam!"_

" _Woah! Oh, crap!"_

" _HA, that fancy footwork won't help you anymore! GORILLA PUNCH SOLID GOLD HITS!_

And then, the connection became filled with a symphony of steel hitting flesh and fire burning, followed by a large explosion. A large amount of coughing later…

" _Wow, what an intense match!"_ Cross whistled in awe. " _This isn't the hardest fight Luffy's had in his life, but damn if it isn't one of the most cinematic!"_

" _That's an understatement! This is the closest to up close and personal that I've ever been to a beating from the Gorilla Puncher!"_ Itomimizu cried out eagerly. " _But I'd know that detonation anywhere, and even if I can't see through all of this smoke, I know that there's only one outcome to this! Two forms are emerging, and…"_

There was a second of bated breath before cheers erupted… from the _Foxy Pirates._

" _And the Boss is the only man left standing, while Straw Hat Luffy lies burned on the ground! It looks like the match is over!"_

" _LUFFY!"_ over half of the Straw Hats cried out.

"Holy crap…" Zambai breathed as the Franky Family fell silent.

Franky, meanwhile, was just as quiet, his eyes shadowed as he bowed his head, his arms crossed over his chest.

" _Well, Straw Hat Luffy put up one hell of a fight, the toughest we've ever seen by far, but it looks like this match is_ over!"

" _Only if you're willing to blatantly disregard the rules, wide-mouth."_

" _Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Cross?!"_

" _What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that this fight doesn't end until either a Captain's left the ring or one of them is no longer able to fight, so you better not even think about touching that bell, because we're sure as hell not done yet!"_

" _But Luffy is—!"_

" _ **HE'S UP!**_ **LUFFY'S GOTTEN UP!"**

" _HE WHAT!?"_

"HE'S WHAT!?" the Franky Family roared in unison, shaking the Franky House down to its foundations.

" _THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"_ Cross roared in approval.

" _I-I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!"_ Itomimizu screamed in both shock and terror. " _Straw Hat Luffy just took a beating that would kill most any other man alive… AND YET HE'S STILL STANDING AND READY FOR A FIGHT!"_

"H-Holy crap..." Zambai stammered out incredulously.

"What the hell is he _made_ of, rubber _cement!?"_ Kiev questioned.

"Nah, it's the afro. That's what's giving him the strength he needs," Tamagon said, nodding sagely.

" _So… you got back up,"_ Foxy wheezed, obviously as much on his last legs as Luffy. " _Guess there must be something in that afro after all."_

There was suddenly a slightly electronic whoosh, followed by Luffy grunting in confusion.

" _A lot of good it'll do you, though,"_ Foxy grinned in a smug manner. " _I just got you with my Slow-Slow sword. It lets me channel Slowmo photons into a concentrated beam. Less area of impact, faster deployment. As it is, your arms and legs are frozen. Now… let's finish this. MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUSH! RUSH!_ RUSH!"

The previous beatdowns had been brutal, but this… this was just insane. It sounded as though an entire _mob_ of people was wailing on Luffy, wrought metal smashing into rubbery flesh over and over and _over_ again.

Finally, the barrage ended with the sound of a body crashing to the floor.

The connection was filled with the sound of labored panting before, slowly, a wheezy chuckle started up.

" _Fehfehfeh, fehfeh… eh?"_

Leather scraped against wood, flesh groaned in protest, and then a second panting breath joined Foxy's.

" _S-S-Straw Hat is up again!"_ Ito shrieked fearfully. " _Even after taking so many blows… h-how is this possible!?"_

"…Or is it more than just the afro after all?" Tamagon breathed.

"… _damn…"_ Foxy eventually bit out. " _Damn, damn, DAMN SNOT-NOSED ROOKIE! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!"_

There was a slight grunt of _annoyance_ more than anything…

" _TAKE A HINT AND STAY DOWN, DAMN IT! MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUUUUSH!"_

And then the barrage came _again,_ sounding even worse than the first, if that was at all possible.

Once again it ended, and once again only one person could be heard panting. " _You did good, rookie…You fought hard…"_ Foxy wheezed heavily. " _But this… is the end of the line."_

The Franky House was silent as Foxy started to shuffle away.

" _Luffy, come on! Get up! Keep fighting!"_ Usopp called out.

" _Get up, Luffy!"_ yelled Conis.

" _YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY!"_ cried Chopper.

" _SHOW US THE WILLPOWER THAT BEAT THE LIGHTNING-BASTARD!"_ Su shrieked.

" _C'mon, Luffy, get up and pound that fox!"_ Lassoo snarled.

" _It's not over yet, this is_ not _over yet…"_ Cross growled beneath his breath.

" **FIGHT, DAMN IT,** _ **FIIIIIIGHT!"**_

And yet, nothing happened.

"Oh my God…" Mozu whispered.

"D-Did he actually—?" Kiwi started to say—

_SLAM!_

—before she was interrupted by two massive fists crashing down on both sides of the Transponder Snail.

"GET UP, LUFFY!" Franky roared at the top of his lungs, glaring nails at the snail.

"B-Big bro!?" Zambai stammered in confusion.

"Damn it all, Straw Hat, get the hell up!" the cyborg snarled, glaring bloody murder at the snail. "I know that we've never actually met, I know that you can't hear me and I know that this is SUPER! _crazy…"_ Franky grit his jaw as the ghostly whistle of a sea train roared in his ears. "But _damn_ it, I know for a _fact_ that people like you don't give up easy! You don't get taken down by a beating, you don't buckle under pressure, and you sure as hell don't give up! So get up, damn it! Get up and keep fighting! _Get up and pound this bastard's head in!"_

"Big bro…" the Franky Family breathed in collective awe. Said awe intensified as a very recognizable sound came across the connection, followed by a weak but firm voice.

" _What..."_ Foxy breathed in dull horror before roaring in both fury _and_ panic. " _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?"_

" _I won't lose… a single member of my crew… EVEN…_ _ **IF IT KILLS ME!"**_

" _Ah… ah… UNBELIEVABLE! STRAW HAT LUFFY HAS GOTTEN UP AGAIN!"_

" _THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! KICK HIS ASS, CAPTAIN!"_

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" Franky roared, taking his signature pose as he did so.

"GO, STRAW HAT!" the Square Sisters echoed, mirroring Franky's movements.

"LU-FFY! LU-FFY! LU-FFY!" the Franky Family began to chant.

**-o-**

Elsewhere on the island of Water 7, one of the top five Galley-La shipwrights had moved to an isolated location to listen to the SBS.

He'd decided that it was a prudent move to seclude himself from his 'coworkers', on account of how the pirate's admittedly admirable determination was starting to have an effect on him.

More specifically, Rob Lucci's self-control was very swiftly whittling away, as evidenced by the way he was starting to tremble and the _immense_ effort it took to keep his expression neutral and his size constant.

He'd been barraged with flaming steel gauntlets, and gotten up. He'd been barraged with spiked gauntlets _twice_ , and he'd gotten up _twice_. And now, after briefly swaying the entire opposing crew in his favor, after the deceptively powerful pirate had struck him with what was supposedly his best shot, a punch at the speed of a cannonball and then the cannonball itself, he was getting up for a fourth time. And the words he spoke next…

" _I'm… going to… win!"_

Fatigued, but spoken with earthshaking resolve. And at that point, Lucci's control failed him, and his lips moved into a feral and bloodthirsty grin. His blood, his adrenaline, every _inch_ of his body felt like it was on _fire,_ and for all he tried to stay cool and calm, he couldn't deny the primal part of himself that absolutely _loved_ it.

" _You…_ win!?" Foxy spat ferociously. " _As if! You're barely staying on your_ feet! _But if you want a fight…"_ There was a rush of shoes on wood. " _THEN I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE! MEGATON NINE-TAILED—!"_

There was a second of panting from Straw Hat, but then there was a hiss of breath. " _Gum-Gum!"_ the pirate snarled out, a metric ton of steel in his voice.

" _ **RUUUUSH!"**_

" _ **GAAAATLIIIING!"**_

The noise that followed could only be described as absolute _brutality._ Two flurries of punches meeting one another head on, fist against fist, skull against skull, the true totality of strength that both fighters could bring to bear.

" _THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!"_ Itomimizu called out in awe. " _BOTH FIGHTERS ARE GOING ALL OUT, PUTTING EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEINGS INTO ONE! FINAL! BRAWL!"_

" _THIS THE ULTIMATE SLUGFEST, PEOPLE!"_ Cross proclaimed in much the same tone, shouting to make himself heard. " _FISTS ARE FLYING FASTER THAN THEY HAVE ANY RIGHT TO AND BOTH CONTESTANTS ARE TAKING A POUNDING! LUFFY MIGHT BE ON HIS LAST LEGS BUT FOXY IS_ STILL _MANAGING TO TAKE A LICKING AND KEEP ON KICKING! THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A ROYAL RUMBLE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! THIS! IS!_ CRUNCH TIME!"

The punches continued, but slowed slightly, barely discernable. More obvious was that Foxy's punches were the ones slowing down, more and more of his grunts of pain and less and less of his sharpened punches coming through.

" _How… can a dying man… fight so hard!?"_ Foxy spat, hacking out a glob of blood. " _Grggh… Enough… ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"_

Without any warning whatsoever, the sound of the brawl _died,_ leaving nothing but absolute silence.

" _W-What the—?"_ Itomimizu breathed numbly. " _B-Both fighters are just standing there…"_

Murmurs of confusion started to drift over the connection. Then the sound of something hitting the floor.

" _Wha—STRAW HAT IS DOWN!?"_ Itomimizu cried joyously. " _STRAW HAT IS DOWN AND THE BOSS IS STILL STANDING!"_

" _But_ Luffy _is the only one moving!"_ Cross cut in, cackling like a cut-rate stage villain.

" _Wait, wha—WHAT!?"_ the Foxy's commentator gasped in shock.

" _Daaaaamn yooooouuuuu,"_ Foxy's voice ground out slower than expected.

" _H-HE'S RIGHT! THE BOSS IS FROZEN! B-B-BUT HOW!?"_

Then came a clinking sound, followed by Soundbite roaring with laughter. " _THE MIRROR!_ _ **LUFFY'S AFRO SNAGGED**_ **A PIECE WHEN HE smashed it!"**

" _HAIL TO THE AFRO, BABY!"_ Cross concurred.

" _This… is… the end…"_ Luffy ground out.

" _Soundbite, care to do the honors?"_

" _YES, CROSS,_ I WOULD! **Ahem…** _ **FINISH HIM!"**_

A sound of whirling rubber, and Foxy letting out a slow beginning of what was clearly meant to be a scream of terror.

" _GUM-GUM… FLAIL!"_

_WHAM!_

The sound of leather connecting with flesh, but nothing more. Luffy's panting became audible, and he started walking away.

" _By Jones himself,"_ Itomimizu breathed numbly.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, we have t-minus fifteen…"_ Cross breathed reverentially before grinning like a madman. " _People of the world, I ask you to join me in the countdown to_ VICTORY! _SAY IT WITH ME NOW, ALL TOGETHER! TWELVE! ELEVEN!"_

The edges of the table were suddenly _pulped_ by Lucci's claws due to the intensity of his grip, and saliva dribbled from his slavering jaws as he towered over the now utterly _terrified_ snail. If he'd had any doubts in his mind before about what he would do after this mission was complete, they were well and truly dead now. The _second_ his mission was complete, the second he was free, he would cash in _every_ vacation day he'd been saving up for as long as he'd been alive, every last one of them, all for the express purpose of seeking out Straw Hat Luffy for the fight of his life.

"Ten," the leopard-man growled eagerly.

**-o-**

The leather-faced man was giving Eneru a run for his money with his expression as he took in the broadcast coming from the snail in Enies Lobby's central office. Two of the other three inhabitants of the room had their jaws dropped as well, but were focused more on the fact that the Carnivorous Zoan had instinctively shifted to his hybrid form, unknowingly replicating the reaction of his rival several knots away.

"Nine," the wolf-man grinned, while his leader trembled as he remembered the geography of the local waters.

**-o-**

"EIGHT!" cheered every patron and employee in Takoyaki 8, Hachi being particularly exuberant.

**-o-**

"SEVEN, DO-RE-MI-SO!" Ryuboshi and Manboshi twirled in synch, causing their big-yet-younger sister to giggle as a result.

**-o-**

Beneath the ocean's surface in a space that most of the world did not know of, a man with a golden hook in place of his left hand smirked in response to the broadcast. He bore no grudge against the rookie that had annihilated his plans, but up until now, every broadcast had only reinforced his opinion of him as a complete and utter moron. But here was the proof that losing to him hadn't been a fluke brought about purely by extreme overconfidence. Here was… _vindication_.

"Six," Crocodile stated, smirking.

**-o-**

"Five," a trenchcoat-wearing man stated reluctantly at his partner's prompting. The young painter and the young dragon tamer nearby chuckled at him, while everyone else apart from the stoic first mate was crowing in euphoria, none more than the captain.

**-o-**

"FOUR!" cheered a trio of exuberant children who, along with an unusually interested butler, were all clad in afros, much to the butler's mistress' amusement.

**-o-**

"THREE!" a past-his-prime Vice Admiral roared in drunken exuberance, joined by his equally sloshed students.

Two of the Marines who were watching the impromptu party were sporting sweatdrops.

"Weren't those two brats drinking _grape juice?"_

"Yes. Yes, they were."

**-o-**

"TWO!" two sons and one daughter of the sea chorused as they pumped their fists victoriously, the daughter's dreadnought of a ship firing a deafening cannonade to punctuate the words.

**-o-**

In a country of pure white, a man who was changing the world stood on the balcony of his command center, staring out at the horizon even as his subordinates (those who weren't wearing noise-cancelling headphones as they continued to work, anyway) celebrated within.

Nevertheless, for all that he appeared apathetic, Dragon tilted his head down and grinned a grin that had caused the Elder Stars many a headache.

"One."

**-o-**

"ZERO!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

THWACK! " _GYAGH!"_

The effect was instantaneous: Foxy's face caved in as he was sent literally _flying,_ the delayed impact launching him so high into the air that he was _level_ with Ito and I.

I smiled as wide as I could manage as I watched Foxy fly up up up... before reversing momentum and falling down down _down…_

_SPLASH!_

And impacting the water.

I watched bubbles drift up from where he'd landed for a second before popping to my feet (which earned me an indignant "Watch it!" from Chuchun in the process) and pumping my fist in the air. "THE WINNER BY RING-OUT AND AN ABSOLUTE _ASS-LOAD_ OF SHEER FUCKING GUTS!" I cried through my smile before pointing down at my captain, who was posing for the crowd. "MONKEY! D.! _STRAAAW-HAAAT LUUUFFYYY!"_

"YEAAAAAAH!" the rubber man bellowed.

I sighed, grinning widely. "Well, ladies and gentlemen of the world… what you witnessed today? _That_ is the willpower needed if you're going to pledge your life to the pursuit of Gold Roger's throne and the world's greatest treasure. And once we wrap up the rest of this game, we'll get back to the pursuit of that. It'll only get harder from here, but I'm certain that we will overcome anything that this insane world throws at us. So, with our captain vindicated and his vengeance acquired, I think we're gonna end this here. Until next time, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And** _SOUNDBITE!"_

"— _Of the SBS, signing off!"_

I replaced the transceiver before letting out a breath, and turning to Itomimizu again, a tired smile on my face. "A good match?"

The Foxy Pirates' announcer smiled grudgingly. "The best I've ever seen. You and your crew are all right."

"Same to you, wide-mouth!" I grinned, before gesturing at the island. "Now then, I'm starting to get airsick, so what say we get back on solid ground?"

"Oh, yeah, sure thi…" Ito trailed off slowly before snapping his eyes wide in horror. "OH NO, THE BOSS!"

"HURRY, SAVE THE BOSS!" Porche cried desperately.

I started to snicker as I watched the Foxy's scramble to the front of the stadium...

"DIVE, CHUCHUN, DIVE!"

Before snapping my eyes wide in panic. "Wait, what?! Nononono—!"

_SPLASH!_

"ARGHBRBLRGH!" " _ **IT BURNS,**_ IT BURNS!"

**-o-**

One long period of resuscitation, medical treatment, and well-employed shipwrighting skills later, the Foxy Pirates were slowly packing up the festival that accompanied the Davy Back Fight, us Straw Hats watching and wrapping up our own treatments.

"Damn it, I wasn't even _on_ the stands…" I muttered around the bandage strip I was holding in my mouth as I wrapped it around my arm and yanked, snapping the bandage from its roll.

"Well, look on the bright side!" Chopper prompted as he scrubbed the salt out of his fur.

"Alright, venison-breath, I'll bite," Su huffed as she squeezed her tail dry. " _What_ bright side?"

Chopper nodded his head at a nearby bucket, whose lip Soundbite had parked himself over and was currently retching into. "Now we know that Soundbite's aversion to salt is entirely psychosomatic and it only makes him ill instead of outright killing him."

Soundbite raised his eyestalks out of the bucket to glare bloody murder at Chopper. " _ **Cold—**_ **HURK!"** The snail's eyes went wide with horror as his cheeks bulged, hurriedly shoving his head back in the bucket and retching again. " _Ugh…_ _ **cold**_ FUCKING _COMFORT."_

"You know, far be it from me to complain about it not being that easy to kill Soundbite, but how does that even make sense?" I wondered.

" _Natural selection,"_ Chopper answered with a glint in his eyes. " _Transponder Snails have been in use on ships for communications for years. Those with too-weak constitutions and too-mucus-y bodies fried and those who were tough enough survived."_ Chopper then blinked and paused for a second before continuing. "And for the record, that resistance is against _seawater,_ where the salt's diluted. I'd still recommend avoiding the pure stuff like the plague."

"Noted…" I said, slowly scooting away from the doctor.

"Knock it off," Chopper rolled his eyes dismissively. "I _know_ that I was using the madness voice. I've been trying to get it under control recently! I've actually been making some great progress too. Watch!" Aaaand there was the spark again. " _So long as I keep the partition down for only a minute or so at a time, I can keep my mind sane and under control, so that I concentrate on the task at hand rather than going on a tangent about bio-technological improvement, advanced chemical warfare,_ _ **vivisection, live TESTING—!"**_

_THWACK!_

"OW, DANG IT!… Thanks, Boss."

"Looks like you need more practice," the Dugong dryly stated.

"No, really? I hadn't noticed," Lassoo huffed as he coughed out a few tongues of fire.

"CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?!" Foxy suddenly howled at us.

" _Ah, right! Straw Hat still has a decision to make! Who among the Foxy Pirates will he take for his crew?"_ Itomimizu asked, still on his loudspeaker.

"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses," I said, waving my hand as I jabbed my thumb at a snoring Luffy. "We _wanted_ to wait for Luffy to wake up naturally, but if you _insist…_ Chopper?"

The human-reindeer gave me a salute. "You got it, Cross." He dug a syringe of slightly… _moving_ liquid out of his pack and _delicately_ positioned it over Luffy's chest.

Then he swapped to his Muscle Point and _rammed_ the syringe into Luffy's chest, discharging its contents into him and causing him to jolt before leaping up onto his feet.

"Impwessive bedside mannah," Carue snickered.

" **HE LEARNED** _from the_ _ **best,"**_ Soundbite snarked queasily.

"Get off my back, Luffy's skin might be rubbery, but it's as thick as ox-hide! I need to use as much muscle as possible to get through to him! I'm pretty sure that _you_ must know what that's like."

"Withdrawn," Nami, Vivi and I chorused.

"Whoo! Better than smelling salts!" Luffy roared as he opened his eyes. "Ah! Wait, this isn't Makino's room!"

I opened my mouth and shut it with a click in the same instant. " _So many_ questions. And absolutely _none_ are in any way relevant to the issue at hand." I jabbed my thumb at the Foxy's gathered crew. "You won, captain, so now we need to pick one of these mooks to have on our crew."

"Oh, that's easy," Luffy said. "I choose…!"

The Foxy Pirates collectively sucked in a breath, waiting for the verdict that would change one of their lives forever...

"Hold it!"

When Usopp's voice caused them all to facefault at once.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Foxy demanded.

"Just wait a second!" Usopp shot back before giving Luffy a hesitant look. "Luffy, Cross, I just want you both to know that I trust you two with my life, I _really_ do, but…" He spread his arms helplessly. "This is just _insane,_ even by our standards! Are you _really_ sure that you guys want to do this?"

Luffy looked pensive for a moment, but then grinned. "Don't worry, Usopp, it'll be fine! If they try anything, we can fight them off! Right?"

"…And there's his deadly charisma again," Usopp grumbled.

"And besides," I added in. "Unless you've missed it, I've been on something of a hot streak. A few hiccups, sure, but come on, don't you trust me?"

The sniper gave me a flat look. "You, I have much less confidence in."

I gave him a dry look right back. "Well, fuck you, too." I sighed wearily before spinning my fingers. "Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get this over with. Captain, if you wouldn't mind?"

"Right!" Luffy nodded before pointing into the crowd.

Or rather, pointing at its _front._ "Foxy!"

For a few seconds, the entirety of the Foxy Pirates froze. Then they erupted in indignant and desperate responses.

"CAPTAIN, NO!"

"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

" _CROSS, YOU VINDICTIVE BASTARD!"_ Porche shrieked, a scant few newtons from snapping her baton.

"This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny…" Hamburg muttered on repeat.

"OH, THE HUMANITY! _OH, THE HUMANITY!"_ Itomimizu wept into his microphone.

"Ahem?"

"You and Monda lost that court case, Capote, I don't _have_ to say sapient-ity _,_ so back off!"

"Damn."

Foxy, for his part, stood silently for a moment before slowly approaching Luffy with a look of resignation that was slowly turning to peace. "I suppose that if I'm following a captain who can speak to Whitebeard without so much as a flinch, I can't exactly complain," he said. Then he bowed to his new captain. "Let it never be said that I do not respect the code of the Davy Back Fight. I hereby swear my loyalty to the Straw Hat Pirates."

"Perfect." I clasped my hands eagerly. "Now, follow us onto the Merry. We have a lot to talk abou—"

"A-AS ACTING CAPTAIN OF THE FOXY PIRATES!"

All attention snapped over to the mass of Foxy Pirates, where a voice had shrieked out.

Porche's head was bowed as her chest heaved, shivers racking her entire body before she looked up, rage and determination flooding her face as she jabbed a finger at Luffy, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES TO A ONE-COIN DAVY BACK FIGHT! W-WE HAVE MORE TO OFFER, IT'S PLAIN TO SEE THAT YOU NEED A SHIPWRIGHT FOR THAT BOAT OF YOURS! IT'S ON ITS LAST LEGS, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SINK, YOU HAD… better…"

Porche trailed off as she found nineteen murderous glares trained on her. And just like that, her determination faded, and she fell on her knees and began to sob. "W-Who am I kidding? We can't beat them… we'll never get our Boss back…"

"Hey now, let's not jump to conclusions here."

Attention shifted over to me as I casually waved my hand. "I mean, maybe you will and maybe you won't. The situation is… complicated, to say the least."

Foxy narrowed his eyes. "If this is all a ploy for you to 'steal' me only to kick me off the crew, so help me—!"

"No, no, nothing like that," I swiftly assured him before pointing at the Merry. "Just… come with us to the Merry. Bring Porche and…" I trailed off as I eyed the infamous Four-Legged Dasher's _girth._ "On second thought, leave Hamburg. We need someone to keep the peace anyways. Meanwhile," I looked back at our crew. "We'll be joined by Luffy, Nami, Zoro, Vivi—"

"So, essentially, the brains behind the crew plus one?" Robin hummed innocently.

"Nice way of putting… it…" I glanced back at her. "There's some sort of insult in that question, isn't there?"

Robin just chuckled, and I huffed before turning around and starting to march towards the Merry, snatching Soundbite off of his bucket as I went. "Anyway, while we're doing business, everyone else will keep the peace here until we get back. Now…" I shot a vicious grin at Porche as I passed her. "Shall we go?"

**-o-**

A few minutes later, the eight of us were in the Merry's kitchen, some seated and some standing, with Sanji's well-prepared platter cart sitting a short distance away.

"OK, first things first, Foxy. Before we get to the serious business, I need your powers to help with something," I stated, bringing over the cart. "Luffy is somehow capable of devouring this entire thing in the time it takes to blink. Fire your beam at him so we can see how he does it in slow motion."

Foxy and Porche both looked at me with expressions that clearly said 'Are you kidding me?'

"I'm quite serious. Let's just find out how this works, then we can move on to the more important things, alright?"

Foxy shrugged as he aimed his hand at Luffy. "If you say so. Slow-Slow Beam!"

The photons flew out and tagged Luffy, Luffy reached for the cart—

—and the next thing I knew, he was licking his lips in satisfaction, said cart no longer in sight. I blinked, and looked around. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite were all looking just as confused as I was, while Foxy and Porche were both astonished.

"You weren't kidding. But… what just—?"

The sound of paper fluttering drew everyone's attention up, and I stiffened as a note came to slap me in the center of my face. The others who knew what it meant stiffened as well, while Foxy and Porche were touching the ground with their jaws.

I grabbed the note, scanned over it, and then my eyes narrowed. " _There are things man was never meant to see. The secret behind Luffy's jaws is one of them. Be glad I managed to clock Kronos and grab that little stretch of time from existence, or else you'd have been TPK'd with your brains seeping out of your ears._ Do _try not to make me go back on what I said about favors again, because you won't be so lucky next time,_ " I read flatly before looking up with a slightly haunted look. "…Let us never speak of this again," I stated calmly.

"Agreed," Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite said together. I clapped my hands and turned back to Porche and Foxy, both of whom were looking distinctly ill-at-ease.

"Alright, putting that behind us, let's get down to business. Foxy, I'll be blunt: before we showed up here, neither I nor any of my crewmates would have chosen you or anyone else from your crew to add to ours unless there was absolutely no choice, and even then, we probably would have just dismissed you straightaway. But I spent most of my brief period as one of your subordinates in your ship's library, reading your log book."

They both suddenly looked much more alert as I started pacing back and forth, a grim smile playing across my face. "Quite an interesting story it told, too. Once upon a time, the Foxy Pirates were just a lowly, average pirate crew from the South Blue. They raided merchant ships, attacked small coastal towns—never did any actual grievous harm, mind you!" I snapped my finger up when I noticed my crewmates starting to glare bloody murder at the increasingly nervous Foxy's. "They only ever looted and pillaged. Not an excuse, but at least they were better than most."

My crewmates subsided… marginally, anyways.

"At any rate, that's the way their story went for a good while." I stopped pacing as I gave Foxy a _look._ "Until _that day._ " Foxy looked away uncomfortably, obviously recognizing what I was referencing. "That fateful day, when you attacked a cargo ship _in spite_ of the Marine Battleship escorting them. Obviously, as indicated by their continued existence, the Foxy's won, but for some reason, the events of that day cut off shortly after the ships' sighting. The next entry it has is the crew burning water for Reverse Mountain to enter the Grand Line, as though all Seven Warlords were at their heels.

"And ever since then, well…" I spread my arms to indicate the room. "We just lived it. It's been all Davy Back Fights all the time. Sometimes the crew has flights of fancy with people too appealing to pass up, but for the most part, it's the best of the best, and no-one and nothing less. The crew has just kept growing since they entered the Grand Line, growing stronger and larger, and yet!" I stabbed my finger into the air. "Counterintuitively, _not_ seeming to have any interest in making a name for yourself beyond what you already have. Heck, even all of the gold and assets that you do manage to get your hands on just go straight to replenishing your supplies, and that to no more than the bare minimum necessary for survival—or at least, what you consider the bare minimum, with all that carnival food—or materials to expand your ship and weaponry."

I folded my arms smugly. "Do you know what that says to me? Do you know what conclusion I drew from that information, that made me risk and endure a _very_ grievous ordeal to convince my crew that we should recruit _you?"_

Foxy stared at me. Gone was the arrogant, ego-driven blowhard. All that remained was the kind of cold and calculated mind it would take to master the Slow-Slow Fruit into a weapon of destruction. "What _do_ you think happened _that day,_ Jeremiah Cross?" he asked slowly.

I promptly zipped over to him and _slammed_ my palms on the table, leaning over the top in order to look him in the eye. "I think that you _found_ something that day," I hissed. "A logbook, maneuvering orders, a shipping manifesto, only you and your original crewmates know for certain, and quite frankly, the specifics are irrelevant. What _matters_ is the conclusion that that information led you to. You got your hands on a tiny puzzle piece that day that you used to view the much _larger_ picture."

"And… what would this larger picture _be_ , Cross?" Vivi asked hesitantly.

My gaze never left Foxy as I answered. "That the Marines are gearing up for war."

It was like someone threw ice water on my crewmates. Or at least, most of my crewmates. Luffy was, of course, oblivious. I sighed, smirking, and locked eyes with him.

"Let me explain it to you this way, Luffy. Basically, Roger's last act didn't just inspire pirates to take to the Sea… he inspired _everyone_ to come to the Grand Line."

Hoping that I _hadn't_ imagined the spark of understanding I saw in Luffy's eyes, I continued. "Every last person with even a little power in all the Blues, those who listened, packed up, gathered their strength, and flooded into the Grand Line. There are weaklings like Krieg, like Bellamy, yes, but that call also draws in people like Crocodile. People like Zoro, people like Ace, people like _you._ People with _potential._ Roger's last words drew in every wanderer, prodigy and powerhouse in the world to a single place, and it's still drawing them. The Grand Line is a powderkeg of pure, barely restrained power, and when it blows, it's going to rock the world to its core. Possibly literally."

From Luffy's awestruck expression and the fact that he didn't automatically call it a 'mystery,' he seemed to have gotten the memo, and I smirked as I turned back to Foxy.

"It's true, Foxy. Ever since the Great Pirate Era began, people have been winding up and up and up, preparing and tensing and waiting, waiting… waiting for the _true_ storm Roger set in motion before he died to strike. And ever since you found that out, you've been doing the only thing you can: accumulating power and waiting for the day when it's time to batten down the hatches, nice and hard. You've been building a power base so that when the storm hits, you'll be able to survive with the power you've stockpiled."

I finished by leaning in close and giving Foxy a conspiratorial grin. "And that's something that you and I have in common."

Foxy and Porche both promptly stiffened in shock. "Wait, what?" the ex-captain blurted out.

"I learned about the storm too, Foxy," I smirked eagerly. "And ever since I joined this crew, I've been ramping us up just as much. I prompted 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo to enter the Grand Line, and he _worships_ Luffy, which means that he's a _very_ close ally. I inspired the Dugongs of Alabasta to form the Great Kung Fu Fleet. I have _numerous_ contacts in the Marine Corps, and they are _high_ in the ranks. I am _actively_ ingratiating our crew with the people of the world, earning the favor of the populace while tearing out the World Government's foundations. I've even sown a seed with Dragon the Revolutionary. And now?" I jabbed a finger in Foxy's chest. "Now _you,_ hopefully the crowning achievement of my career as the Straw Hat Pirates' PR officer thus far."

Foxy stared at me for a second, and then without warning, my collar was grabbed and I was wrenched around so that I was staring at Porche instead, whose expression was carefully controlled. "What are you proposing?" she asked slowly.

I blinked before nodding in understanding. "Ahhh, I see, you're the 'face' of the operation in all aspects. Well, alright, then. If I may sit?" I proceeded to sit once she released me. "Alright, here's what I propose: dissolve the Foxy Pirates and then _reform_ them under Foxy again, only this time as a subordina—"

" _Cross."_

I winced as Luffy's voice hit me like a blunt instrument. "Ah, okay… alright, let's try that again: reform as a _subdivision_ of the Straw Hat Pirates, kind of like how Whitebeard runs his own crew?" I looked at Luffy for approval, and after a minute of _hard_ thinking (I could almost hear the gears grinding), he nodded in acceptance. With the captain's consent, I looked back at Porche, who was frowning thoughtfully.

"So you want us for our muscle…"

"Incorrect," I promptly denied. "I want to incorporate your efforts into our own by making Foxy the Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates' Recruitment Division. You'd keep doing what you've been doing for the past few years, albeit with a few restrictions, only now you'll be doing it with a bigger group of allies supporting you… not that anyone besides said group will know that. We'll paint you a slightly different Jolly Roger; you'll know that it signifies your alliance, but the rest of the world will think that it's proof of our victory against you, and we allowed you to sail again only flying a flag that proclaimed your greatest loss."

Porche exchanged looks with Foxy before refocusing on me. "You mentioned restrictions?"

"Rule the first," I held up a finger. "No more targeting innocent bystanders to goad people into accepting your challenge. That shit you tried to pull with Shelly was _unacceptable._ If you want to taunt and goad, that's all fine and dandy, too bad for the poor bastards, but if they're the kind of people you need to aim at civilians to piss them off, then I want you to extend an _open_ hand, and not a closed one with brass knuckles, got it?"

Porche shot a glare over her shoulder. "Told you that that was a _stupid_ plan."

Foxy ground his teeth for a second, but reluctantly nodded in agreement.

"Rule the second," I carried on, holding up a second finger. "Incorporate a Slaughter Rule. If you get over… one half of a crew or so, so many that the other crew can no longer operate, then the rest are allowed to join as well, no questions asked. No more crew-raiding and leaving the rest to rot, and if you need to start constructing a full-blown fleet to support them all, so be it."

Both Foxy _and_ Porche winced at that. "That'll _slaughter_ our budget…" Porche muttered to herself.

"Get a new one or find some alternative income," I bluntly stated. "Anyway, rule the third folds in with the second: no more snatching flags without redrawing them if they have them on their sails. I don't care how happy the ex-Fanged Frogs are now or how dickish their leftovers were, their blood is on _your_ hands, and if you get any more, we won't be happy. And as we've no doubt already displayed…" Soundbite promptly bared his teeth and Zoro clicked an inch of his blade out its sheath. "You won't like us when we're anything but happy."

Porche grimaced and exchanged glances with her former captain. Then she looked back at us. "And what happens if I say no?"

"Then _that_ will be when we dismiss Foxy from our crew," Vivi stated.

Both of the Foxy's looked quizzical, and the ex-captain spoke up. "So, let me get this straight. If Porche declines, you let me go, and I get to take command of my crew again. If Porche accepts, I take command of my crew again, but I stay under your restrictions from now on. Either way, nothing really changes?"

"Well, there is _one_ difference," Nami said, smiling in a way that instantly put the two on their guard as she moved towards a corner of the room. "Usopp is the best artist on the crew, he's the one who drew our flag and sail. If you accept, we'll have him draw your new Jolly Roger. Otherwise, we'll leave it to Luffy."

She grinned like the cat that got the canary as she unfolded a specific black cloth from a chest in the room. "Here, we saved Luffy's attempt at drawing our Jolly Roger for future reference. Take a look."

Porche took one look at the cloth and promptly made most residents of Thriller Bark look alive by comparison. "… This is _blackmail_."

**"DID YOU FORGET** _THE PIRATE GAME_ _we played_ **not ten minutes ago?"**

Porche grimaced more, but Foxy…

"Fehfehfeh… FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH!"

Foxy started to laugh.

"FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH! I've spent years upon years honing my skills, and not only do you beat me at my own game three times in a row, but you offer me the ultimate support to advance my goals!" he cackled before pointing a finger at Luffy. "You, sir, are a soft-hearted moron, and _you—"_ He pointed at _me._ "Are a smug, smart-ass son of a bitch, but, I must acknowledge that I'd have to be a fool to pass up a chance like this and risk having you as my enemies down the line. Porche?" Foxy turned his attention to the diva.

"Yes, bo—er…"

"No, that's the right title. As of this moment, you're conceding command of the Foxy Pirates to me and we're sailing under the flag of the Straw Hats. Incognito, but still." He cocked his head slightly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

She snapped into a salute without hesitation, a goofy grin on her lips. "Not a one, boss!"

"Welcome to the crew!" I said, clapping her on the back with a cheeky grin. "Now, how about you take Luffy out and break the news to the rest of the crew? I imagine there'll be some unrest and you'll need all the muscle you can get."

Porche grinned and began to saunter over to Luffy. "Well, then, _Captain—"_ she began in a sultry voice.

"Oh, and by the way? Brain of a five-year-old and a libido to match."

" _Damn,_ I just can't catch a break today," Porche grumbled as she snapped away from Luffy and marched out the door, leaving Luffy blinking in confusion.

"Uh… did I do something wrong?"

"SO MANY ANSWERS, **so little time,"** Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"Just go and guarantee that the Foxy's don't revolt," I rolled my eyes before pausing and giving him a worried look. "To confirm, you're alright with this?"

Luffy blinked at me in honest confusion. "Well, sure, why not? This is all pretty much your thing, and it's not doing anything other than getting us more crewmates which isn't bad, so I don't see a problem. What about you guys?"

"All I see is a captain who's making _way_ too much sense…" Zoro sighed heavily.

"As long as they keep to the conditions we've set, the benefits should outweigh the costs," Vivi shrugged.

"Hmm… well, as a subdivision, surely you'll be willing to give some monetary support to—" Nami began with a grin at Foxy.

" _That,"_ Foxy interrupted firmly. "Is Porche's department. As captain, I have the authority to change it, but she's the treasurer. In any case, don't expect too much; you have less than two dozen mouths to feed, only half of which need clothing, while I have more than 500 crewmates to feed _and_ clothe, and counting!"

"Oh, trust me, I'll take that into consideration," Nami said, though the firmness with which she said it seemed to mollify Foxy. That firmness then faded into a downright _lewd_ grin. "Buuut, a small portion of a large fortune is a large portion for us! Excuse me, I have negotiating—"

"Hold it, Nami."

"What?" she snapped.

"Before we get to that, we should let the rest of our allies know about Foxy," I said, removing Soundbite from my shoulder and the transceiver from my bag. Nami's frustration faded and she nodded, prompting me to pick up the mic as Luffy followed after Porche. Soundbite needed no prompting to dial, and two rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ came the distorted but recognizable voice that I'd been expecting.

" _Cancer,"_ came another voice, less expected but equally recognizable.

"Ophiuchus," I stated calmly. "I'm calling in regards to the proposal that Capricorn provided, with another proposed pirate crew to serve as ideal allies."

" _Don't tell me, let me guess,"_ Cancer drawled. " _You somehow managed to convince that fox to join you?"_

"He had to convince the rest of us to go along with it first," Nami said. "And it took a couple of hours for us to convince ourselves that he was actually Cross before we'd listen."

"Almost not worth it," I grumbled before shaking my head and smirking. "Anyway, yes. As far as the rest of the world will know, Luffy chose his Jolly Roger as his prize for winning the Captain's Duel, and we gave him a slightly different new one as a symbol of our victory, so he has every reason to hate us. The truth? Luffy picked Foxy as his crewmate, and after some bargaining, he's agreed to become the head of our Recruitment Division, with the rest of his old crew joining wholesale. As such, he'll keep on going with the Davy Back Fights, and he'll be gathering many allies that would ordinarily never consider joining us. He's here now, actually, so why don't you two introduce yourselves?"

"… _I suppose we shouldn't even bother arguing, otherwise you'd just pull the 'I've never been wrong yet' card, wouldn't you?"_

"Hey, believe me, I wouldn't have planned this before I learned all of the details; even I didn't know everything," I promptly defended. "But what I've seen in the past few hours is enough to tell me that he's got a lot more potential than I thought. He's part of our crew now, he'll keep our secrets."

Cancer was silent for a moment before sighing. " _Fine. Soundbite, drop it. Foxy the Silver Fox?"_

"Yes?" Foxy asked cautiously.

" _I am Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer, cofounder of the Marine Corps splinter cell MI4."_

" _And I'm Ensign Tashigi, codename Pisces, Commodore Smoker's second and another cofounder of MI4."_

"I am Ophiuchus, informant of MI4, an organization composed purely of Marines who have decided to act on the injustice that the Corps provides," I explained to a thunderstruck Foxy. "The other two leaders are going under the names Capricorn and Scorpio. Our goal is to destroy the World Government from the ground up to ensure that the injustice dies."

" _Capricorn recently came to the conclusion that we could benefit from employing unconventional allies, and I informed Cross of it. So, it looks like you're our first one, Foxy the Silver Fox. Welcome aboard,"_ Tashigi said.

"Please note that if you divulge the identities of those involved and in any way compromise this endeavor, we will hunt you down and we will do things to you that will make all of Impel Down look like _San Faldo_ in comparison, capiche?" I stated.

Foxy was left gaping for a solid minute. Finally, he shook his head. "You inspired a group of Marines to form their own version of the Revolutionary Army. Well, if it wasn't official before, it sure as hell is now: I made the right choice allying with a crew like yours, if only because I'd rather be at your back or your side then under your feet." He then gave me a searching look. "So… does this change what I'm expected to do at all?"

"Passive duties, not active, don't worry. Your job will also be to gauge any Marines you come across, and pass the recommendations on to either us or Tashigi, whether for recruitment or court-martialing," I replied. I then snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "Also, if you cross paths with the Kung-Fu Fleet or the Barto Club, tell them the truth about what happened, you can trust them."

Foxy nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. So…" He grinned childishly. "Do I get a codename as well?"

" _Hmph… it's a good idea, but I think we should limit the Western Zodiac code names to Marines, apart from Cross. And he barely even counts,"_ Smoker said.

"Wait to say that until _after_ my plan to sway an entire _island_ for MI4 fails," I snapped.

" _I'm not holding my breath, Cross,"_ Smoker deadpanned.

" _And I think he actually meant how Ophiuchus is considered an_ unofficial _member of the Zodiac,"_ Tashigi offered hesitantly.

" _That too."_

"…I withdraw my comment," I coughed in embarrassment, accepting the dopeslap Vivi offered me with dignity.

"Ah… may I suggest using the Eastern Zodiac instead? The Snake would be fitting, yes?" Foxy offered.

"Mmm… nah, I think Goat suits you better," I grinned.

"WHAT?"

"Well, to be fair, you're not a reptile," Vivi pointed out.

"BUT-BUT-BUT—!"

"Oh, and tell Capricorn to offer 'Rooster' to Barto when she gets the chance," I suggested.

" **He's certainly** _ **LOUD ENOUGH!"**_ Soundbite chortled.

"I-I-WHY NOT—?"

"You're an _expert_ at underhanded tricks, not a _master_. Train more, and we'll talk," Zoro grinned.

"YOU—BUT—I—BUT—!"

" _Foxy? Friendly recommendation from someone who has had_ way _too much firsthand experience with the Straw Hats: quit while you're ahead and try to salvage what little sanity you have left,"_ Tashigi said.

Foxy looked at the snail, teeth grit, and then sighed in defeat. "… So be it. Goat would have been my second choice, I suppose."

" _Alright, that aside, anything else you want to talk to us about,_ Handbag?"

Silence. Dead silence as all of us stared at the snail as it started to shift about uncomfortably. " _I-I-I just wanted to try to pay Cross back for mocking my codename, and-and snakeskin makes good design for—"_

" **Go to your room, Tashigi.** _You know what you did wrong,"_ Soundbite said, halfway between disgusted and grinning like a loon.

" _Wha—? But—!"_

" _You heard the snail, Ensign,"_ Smoker growled, and I _swear_ that he was smirking as he said it.

" _B-B-But I—!…Y-Yes, Commodore,"_ Tashigi sighed, followed by the sound of footfalls, and a door opening and then closing.

"…Is it always like this?" Foxy asked no one in particular.

"Welcome to the Straw Hats!" I grinned as I slung my arm over his shoulder. "And yes, it _is_ too late to get out. Good luck!"

The resulting whimper was _very_ satisfying.

**-o-**

To no great surprise, the remainder of the Foxy Pirates had accepted the deal with relative ease. So, after exchanging numbers, all that was left was for us to give them a different Jolly Roger to sail under. The new skull resembled Su's head, and our captain's signature Straw Hat was attached to the scalp by a chain. At Foxy's pleading, however, we wrote out his name on the sail again. As satisfied as they could be, the Foxy Pirates released the Merry and departed, their well-repaired ship sailing away beyond the horizon.

Zoro, Nami, and Robin were more on their guard as they watched the ship sail away, and I along with them. Maybe we could find some way to dodge Aokiji? Unlikely, but the plains here were wide enough without going back to—

"Hey, kids, congratulations! How about I treat you to some victory cheese?"

Tonjit's house. Damn it.

"Ooh, sure thing, old man! Come on, you guys, let's—"

"Oh, come on, Luffy, that cheese is 10 years old!" I hastily objected, _somehow_ managing to keep the existential dread I felt out of my voice.

"Who cares? VICTORY CHEESE!" Luffy cheered. I hid my dawning horror with a genuine facepalm.

"Guys? Any chance for a veto here?" I requested with the barest hint of desperation.

"Considering how the log hasn't reset yet?" Nami asked flatly as she held her arm up. "None. Besides, while it might not look all that interesting, I still want to take a look at the local geography."

My heart slowly sank further and further as the rest of the crew sounded out their agreements, and I ultimately sighed in defeat as we began walking towards Tonjit's house.

Lassoo trotted up next to me and glanced up with a flat look. "We're heading straight towards a bad situation, aren't we?" My clenched jaw was answer enough. "Great… and the reason why you aren't telling them?"

I shook my head with a sigh. "Because this isn't a coincidence, we've been targeted, and _not!"_ I snapped my finger up to forestall anything he might say. "Because of the SBS, so this isn't on me." I ran my hand down my face with a groan. "Either way, even if we didn't meet him at Tonjit's house, he'd _still_ come after us, and when he did…"

"We'd be fighting him on the Merry and possibly put her in danger," Lassoo finished with a growl. "Let me guess, this isn't a fight that we're going to walk out of easy?"

"If he wasn't such an easygoing bastard, we wouldn't be walking away at all," I growled back. "And as it is, Chopper's probably going to have his hooves full. Be ready with the Plaster-Palm combo."

The dog-gun inclined his head with a low snarl, and we continued on in relative silence.

"Cross?"

Up until the last person I felt comfortable talking to right now gathered my attention. "Yes, Robin?" I asked quietly.

She silently walked beside me for a moment before subtly glancing at me. "I've asked you this before, but this time I'd like a more precise answer: what do you know about Ohara?"

I mulled over the question, trying to determine how to answer it effectively without giving too much away. "About its history and everyday life? Not much. But I saw everything that happened on the day the island was destroyed…" I debated with myself for a moment before continuing hesitantly. "…and some of the events leading up to it, too."

She stopped walking, and I stopped beside her. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then…

"…How did I not see it before?" she breathed. "I should have realized it in Skypiea, when you told me that the majority of your knowledge is centered around this crew and their lives. You know so much about Ohara because you know my past."

Her eyes seemed to sharpen. "You knew even back in Whiskey Peak. The war, the Poneglyph, Crocodile's betrayal, Luffy saving my life when I wanted to die… you saw it all coming. You knew that I would become a Straw Hat Pirate."

"… Yeah," I confirmed with a sigh as I started walking forward again, Robin keeping pace with me. "But the question is, Robin… have you become one? We've been waiting all of this time for you to finally accept us as your crew, as your friends, and…" I smiled happily as I remembered the past few days. "You're… a lot more accepting at this point then I ever thought you'd be." I gave her a hopeful look. "I… I'll admit, I'm more than ready to tell you the secret behind my knowledge…" I put my hand on her shoulder. "…if you're ready to finally trust us." I nodded my head at the rest of the crew ahead. " _All_ of us."

Her expression was clearly conflicted. She looked around at all of the crew, human and otherwise, and though she flinched as her eyes met Vivi's form, for the most part, she seemed to be convincing herself. She looked back at me, then back at the rest of the crew, and opened her mouth.

But all that came out was a horrified gasp as she froze up in shock and fell to the ground. I stared at her paralyzed form in horror for a mere second before snapping my gaze ahead and confirming that it was in response to a very real threat. Almost unconsciously, I stepped in front of her and Lassoo moved beside me, growling threateningly at the tall, black-haired, white and blue clad man standing in front of Tonjit's house, who removed his sleeping mask and looked around at us.

Everyone else was immediately on guard at seeing Robin shaken up as she was, and Vivi and Carue's own panicked expressions did little to help matters. At this moment, all I could do was do my best to protect my friend from one of, if not _the_ single strongest individual we would personally meet in Paradise.

"My, my. So, you must be the infamous Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite. You've certainly managed to make some most troubling friends, Nico Robin," Admiral Aokiji casually stated.

**Cross-Brain AN: We blame the Slow-Slow curse for the fact that this chapter is a week late. Once again, it wasn't trolling this time, it was genuine difficulties. Here's hoping that we don't have such a problem again anytime soon.**

**Hornet AN: I was working, Xomniac was moving, and The Patient One… well, he was busy, too, I just can't summarize in one word.**

**Patient AN: I'd rather not talk about it… though in retrospect, call me crazy, but I** _**think** _ **that our slowness** _**might** _ **be due to us trying to cram an entire arc into one chapter. Maybe, just maybe…**

**Xomniac AN: Well, I for my part am moved in and will hopefully have more free time. For now, we hope you enjoyed the longest chapter of This Bites! to date! Oh, and DuncanIdaho2014, you want me to take pride in my own work? Alright, here's some pride: top this.**


	4. Chapter 4

### Chapter 37: Chapter 35: Fleet Admiral Aokiji! A Flame Of Hope Is Frozen!

### Chapter Text

**Xomniac AN: Just a note to our readers so as to correct a misconception that some of you seem to have. Apparently some readers have taken to believe from our apologies about our late chapters that other readers are giving us a hard time about our posting schedule. This could not be farther from the truth. All of our readers on all of** _ **This Bites!**_ **posting sites have been nothing but accommodating for when we post. The only individuals who give us a hard time about when we post are we ourselves. We of the Cross-Brain** _ **pride**_ **ourselves on our weekly update schedule, and we consider missing our Sunday update to be a mark against us!**

**Cross-Brain AN: Ah, yes. And, to our rival, DuncanIdaho2014, author of New Game Plus, currently the third most popular One Piece fic in the fandom, we have a few words to say. Ahem…**

**Hornet AN: DUNCAN, YOU JACKASS!**

**Xomniac AN: DAMN IT YOU RAT-BASTARD, WE WERE** _ **MINUTES**_ **AWAY FROM FINISHING!** _ **MERE FUCKING MINUTES!**_ **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU,** _ **PSYCHIC!?**_

**Patient AN: You put out a work that thoroughly upstages at least one aspect of our own ideas, and then that blasted cliffhanger… WELL. Let's see how you feel with the cliffhanger waiting for** _ **you**_ **at the end of this chapter. *Grins menacingly.***

I clenched my fists as I tried to stay calm and keep my thoughts straight about the situation. On the surface and based on a _few_ of his past actions, Aokiji could be just barely considered a decent Marine, but his attitude of Lazy Justice was just too fickle for me to even consider letting my guard down. I'd managed to fast-talk Smoker because his morals were strong and firm, but if I tried the same thing on either of the two non-psychotic admirals? If at any point, for even a second, an _instant,_ they got bored or disagreed with me in any way, shape or form, I'd end up as either a humanoid dry-ice popsicle or a freaking burnt _sieve_.

The only mercy was that, most likely, he wouldn't be hostile right away, but considering how much I had done on the SBS, if he was in any kind of order-following mood then I was _screwed._

So… yeah, no pressure.

"Robin, what's wrong? Do you know this guy?" Luffy demanded.

"We met once before," Aokiji lazily stated.

"To terrify Robin like this… Cross, _who is he?"_ Nami demanded.

I swallowed heavily as I clenched and unclenched my hands, trying my best to keep my blood from freezing in my veins… which, given the fact that the air was almost certainly several degrees colder than it had been a few minutes ago, was an all-too-real possibility. "One of the three individuals who compose the Marine's Ultimate Military Force and all but guarantee the Corps' position as being one of the Big Three superpowers in the world today: Marine Corps Admiral Aokiji. Though you sure as hell wouldn't believe it if he wasn't being serious."

The reaction from our crew was immediate, sonorous, and above all else, _panicked._

"A-Admiral?! What the hell is someone like that doing here? Shouldn't he be chasing down some pirate with a billion beri bounty or something?!" Usopp cried incredulously before stiffening and slowly starting to look towards me, and I stiffened in terror as well as I accepted the reality of the possibility. Shit, had I _really_ done so much damage that they'd send an _Admiral_ after me?! I mean, I could only imagine why Akainu wasn't literally burning down the Grand Line to get at me, but—!

"Don't worry, don't worry, he doesn't have a bounty yet…" Aokiji waved his hand casually. "Not that they don't want to assign you one, it's just that the World Government is still trying to properly define his crimes, is all. Nobody's ever really… _done_ what he's done before. Well, that and we don't have a picture yet."

I relaxed as he said that, though I was having trouble reading his tone. I suppose I was hoping that I could get some hint of approval or disapproval from his voice. I took that chance to speak up. "So… you're _not_ here on anyone's orders?"

The admiral shrugged nonchalantly. "Nah, I'm just out for a walk, no need to panic."

"Oh, well, that's good, then! Care to join us for some 'cheese'?" I asked in a hopefully casual voice. Fortunately, much of the crew face-faulted in response to my question, and the resulting amusement helped me calm down some.

"Y-Y-You can all relax, I think," Vivi stuttered. "I-I-In my experience, Aokiji does seem to be the… tamest of the Admirals."

"Ah, Your Majesty," Aokiji nodded at her, his eyes traveling to her chest. "Nice boobs. Are you free tonight?"

Sanji and Vivi made sounds like geese being strangled underwater, and it clearly took an effort for the cook to restrain himself from attacking.

"Gross, you must be like three times her age!" Su shuddered in disgust.

I myself felt a sweatdrop weighing down on my temple. Yeeeaaah, I'd forgotten about this little scene…

"Vivi, is this guy seriously an admiral?" Usopp asked incredulously.

"Yes," she, Carue, and I said together, and Vivi grimaced before continuing. "Though Su has a point, I don't recall him being so… perverse last time I met him."

"You didn't have a body then and I got older," Aokiji shrugged. "Anyway, no need for you to panic; like I said, I'm just out for a walk. You guys are… uh…" He scratched the side of his head for a second before shrugging indifferently. "Ah, forget it."

"YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!"

"I uphold the motto 'Lazy Justice'," he said.

"WE CAN SEE THAT!" More than a few veins popped on foreheads as the crew roared at him.

"Anyway… don't mind me, I'm getting tired of standing," he said, shifting his position so that he was lying down.

"Is this guy _really_ one of the strongest Humanity has to offer?" Leo questioned incredulously.

"Lemme put it this way." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder with a grim look. "If he wanted us dead, we'd be corpses a quarter-mile that way."

Most of the crew stared at me in shock, while Aokiji waved his hand dismissively. "Now, now, Mister Cross, hold on a second, that estimation is entirely inaccurate."

I blinked in surprise. "Really? I thought that would be well within your range?"

"He means that you're _under_ estimating him, Cross," Robin whispered numbly. "If he'd wanted, he could have easily sunk us while we were still several miles offshore…"

I promptly felt my gut drop out from me as the memories of the manga came flooding back. "Oh. Yeah, that… that sounds about right," I replied, just barely keeping the wobble out of my voice. "I think I might have blocked that out."

"This guy is that strong?" Conis whimpered fearfully.

I cocked my head to the side. "We… _might_ be underselling him a bit…"

"Yeah, well, don't worry about it…" Aokiji sighed lazily (how else?) as he scratched his side. "I just decided to wander around a bit to gather information on two subjects: whether Nico Robin had decided to leave Alabasta or burrow in for the long haul, and to gauge just what kind of a person one rabble-rouser named Jeremiah Cross is like."

I allowed myself a grim smile at that. "Wow, way to make a guy feel _special,_ Admiral."

Aokiji ignored me, looking at the archaeologist on the ground behind me. "Nico Robin, I must honestly say that I am a bit surprised. I was expecting to find Jeremiah here, obviously, but you? You've always made it a point to be as incognito as possible from the last time I saw you up until now. And despite that, you're staying with a pirate crew that's become the most well-known in the world."

Robin stared back, unmoving, for a few seconds before Aokiji shrugged. "Well, I'm not questioning your choice. But that does mean I'll have to let HQ know so the crew's bounty can be… what's the word? Right, recalculated. 100 million plus 60 million plus 55 million plus 79 million is—"

"A number too big for you to calculate because you just can't be bothered to work up the energy," I cut in, earning several incredulous looks, Robin's more than anyone else's.

Aokiji looked at me before shrugging again. "Eh, you're right, they can calculate it themselves," he said.

"Seriously?" Zoro muttered, sweatdropping in disbelief.

"What do you want with Robin and Cross?" Luffy asked, anger clear in his voice.

"He-Hey, Luffy, there's no need to get worked up, he just said he's here on a walk!" Usopp hastily said.

"He's right, Luffy, don't pick a fight with an admiral! You can't win a fight against someone like him!" Vivi protested, though her protestations were far more desperate.

"Like I said, I'm not planning on doing anything while I'm here," Aokiji said with a sweatdrop.

"And we're going to trust the words of the Admiral whose sense of Justice is only barely less wishy-washy than Kizaru's because…?" I trailed off dryly.

Aokiji stared at me silently for a moment before sighing and waving his hand. "Eh, I'd argue but it doesn't seem worth the effort."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!?" Usopp demanded incredulously.

"How did someone like _this_ traumatize Robin?" Donny muttered in confusion.

"Anyway… I heard something while I was napping. You," he said, pointing at Tonjit, who glanced around in confusion before pointing at himself. "I wasn't in a deep sleep, so I heard what you said. You want to get back to your village, right? Pack your things."

"Hey, don't listen to him!" Luffy said hastily. "He's—"

"The good guy, you moron," I deadpanned.

"—the good guy, you moron, you shouldn't—wait, what?" Luffy said, looking back at me. Then his eyes lit up, and he pounded his fist in his hand. "Oh, right! We're the bad guys, so the Marines are the good guys. Sometimes I forget! Shishishi!"

"So much for him being smarter," Usopp muttered to Vivi, who was massaging her temples with an exasperated groan.

Boss, meanwhile, was eyeing the Admiral suspiciously. "And how exactly do you propose to do that, huh?" He gestured his fin towards the coastline. "I've been in those waters, swam out a bit. The currents are completely unreadable, and the paths between the island peaks are too deep to track from the surface. I just don't see—!"

THOCK THOCK THOCK!

"Hey, what the—!?" Boss glared up at me as I rapped my knuckles on his shell.

"Ladies and gentlemen, for today's grand prize, name the two-word phrase that explains _anything_ past the point of argument," I announced.

"OH! OH!" Soundbite waved his eyestalk eagerly. " _ **What is 'DEVIL FRUIT'?"**_

"Correctamundo!" I crowed as I pointed at Soundbite. "Congratulations, little snail, you've just won an all-expenses paid trip to the wonderful festival island of San Faldo!"

" **Woohoo!"**

"Ah, I'm sorry, but…" Conis spoke up hesitantly. "I know that Devil Fruits can be very powerful, yes, but the gap between the high points of the island must be extremely long! Is there really a power capable of spanning them like that?"

"Yes…"

I winced self-consciously as Robin's weary voice spoke up behind me, prompting me to shoot a guilty look over my shoulder. To think that I'd forgotten about the very real panic attack she was seconds away from suffering while I tried to keep myself calm…

"His powers," Robin continued fearfully. "They are more than capable of accomplishing the task…"

From there, the good part of our meeting with the admiral went as I had expected it to. An ordeal of packing for Tonjit, an uninjured Sherry promising to get him there fast, and an uneventful walk to the coast a good distance away from Merry. Well, almost uneventful, anyways. As we went, one of my fellow mates came up beside me.

"So, aren't you going to—?" Nami began, only for me to cut her off with a motion across my throat. Thankfully, she only needed to take one look at my dead-serious expression to slow her pace a little and fall back behind as though nothing had happened. Once that was handled, I watched Aokiji for a second before moving to the edge of the group, where Robin was only just managing to keep pace. She barely even spared me a glance before renewing her vigil on the Admiral's back.

"That was foolish, Cross," she whispered without so much as looking at me. "I have no doubt that you know how strong this man is; the entire crew working together would have no chance of defeating him."

"And yet, if he provoked you enough, you'd ignore all of that and try to snap him in half, despite knowing that it would do nothing," I whispered back before raising my hands when she snapped a look at me. "But! I get where you're coming from and you're right. I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot back there, but with me I either put up a strong front or I act like any other person, and on the Grand Line, breaking down just isn't an option. Just…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully for a second before coming to a conclusion. "Just stay coo— _calm,_ alright? He'll no doubt try and push your buttons, get you to _give_ him an excuse to strike, but it _won't work,_ got it?"

Robin bit her lip as she looked at Aokiji again. "I can't guarantee that, Cross. He… He _knows_ me, knows what to say…"

"And I know something even better than that," I cut her off, grabbing her shoulder. "I know the _truth._ He can twist it and paint it however he wants, I know what _really_ happened. And honestly, that should be enough. After all…" I leaned forward slightly and gave her an honest smile. "If anyone here knows just how powerful the truth can be in the face of adversity, it's the heiress of Ohara, right?"

Robin flinched enough that she stopped walking as I said that, but she recovered the next second, nodding as she continued moving forward. And as she walked, I was gratified to see that there was at least _some_ measure of confidence in her step.

" _When this_ **is over,** _ **I WANNA KNOW**_ _MORE_ ABOUT OHARA," Soundbite said in my ears.

I grumbled slightly as I started moving forward again. "With any luck, you'll learn it soon enough from her own mouth," I breathed back, too quietly for anyone but him to hear.

And from there, the walk was uneventful. The only thing that really surprised me, though I suppose that it shouldn't have, was that by the time we actually reached the coast, Luffy seemed to have warmed up to Aokiji. I vaguely remembered something about that in the story, but was he actually _this_ friendly? Well, either way, it wasn't quite to the point where he was calling him by name buuut…

"So, what are you going to do? You can't swim if you have a Devil Fruit, so… are you going to fly them across? That'd be so cool!"

"Heh," Aokiji smirked, somewhat bitterly. "Sorry, Straw Hat, but the only fruit I know of that could carry this much through the air is the Float-Float Fruit, and the pirate who ate that hasn't been active since Roger's execution. Just watch. And move back for a minute, please…"

Everyone complied, watching quietly as Aokiji dipped his hand into the water. I shook my head at Soundbite, who seemed confused for a moment before his eyes widened massively, and he grit his teeth to keep from crying out. I turned back towards the ocean in time to catch the massive yellow sea king as it breached the surface and (rather stupidly) bullrushed Aokiji.

"O-OH NO, IT'S THE MASTER OF THE LOCAL SEAS!" Tonjit cried fearfully.

"I-It's going to eat him!" Conis cried as she started to swing her Burn Bazooka off her back.

"Shit!" Leo cursed in agreement, one sword unsheathed and the other halfway out, the rest of the squad mirroring him.

"Wait!"/ "Hold it."

Conis looked incredulously at the fox clinging tightly to her shoulder, fur fluffed out to the max, while the four dugongs obediently, though nervously, ceased preparing their weapons at their teacher's command and raised fist.

"Don't bother." Boss grimly huffed out a cloud of smoke as he stared dead ahead. "You're already too late."

"Yeah…" Su nodded nervously, her ears and tail twitching with frantic energy. "Can't you tell? It's obvious, so, _so_ obvious. That thing…"

Aokiji glanced up at the aquatic titan with cold disdain.

"…it's already dead."

" **Ice Age."**

And just like that, the world _stopped._

There was no other word for it. Everything around us just flat out _stopped. Moving._ Not just the ocean, frozen into a solid chunk of matter, and not just the Sea King that was now the world's largest ice sculpture. I mean the _whole world_ up and literally froze. The wind, the grass, my own freaking _heartbeat…_ quite simply, the stupidly _huge_ display of power before us _literally_ stole the breath from my lungs, as in I _felt_ it whoosh out on account of the sheer impact the scene had on me, and I had no doubt that everyone else present experienced the exact same sensation.

Of course, from the burning chill in my lungs, the sheer wave of _cold_ hitting me might have had something to do with it as well.

For a few brief seconds, the world was well and truly at peace…

Until the _CRACK!_ of the frosted-over Admiral standing up broke the silence.

"H-Holy crap…" Lassoo whimpered in awe.

"S-Su, how did you—?" Conis started to stammer out.

"You know that 'animal instinct' thing where animals know when a storm's about to hit or something like that?" Su shivered fearfully as she shrunk as far away from Aokiji as she could. "Kinda firing on full cylinders at the moment."

"…I think this is the last time I underestimate someone who acts weird," Donny squeaked.

"Good, you'll live longer," Boss grit out grimly, his 'knuckles' white as they gripped the ropedart at his side.

Nami gave me a horrified look. "And there are _two others_ like him?!" she whispered.

"Oh, no, no, nooo." I shook my head grimly. "There aren't two _like_ him. There are two others who are _worse_ than him." I jerked my chin at the Admiral. "At least he has _some_ measure of respect for human life."

Nami went white as a sheet, a stark contrast to most of the rest of the crew, who followed down after Tonjit to see him off with smiles. The only other one who stayed within earshot was Zoro. "So, any advice for when he attacks?"

"Just one thing: protect Robin," I muttered back before following the rest of the crew.

…Because as dire as the situation was about to be, the current state? Walking on the frozen ocean and staring at a sculpture that had been a living, frothing sea king not moments ago was truly a once-in-a-lifetime event. Even if the sea king in question must have been brain-dead stupid if it didn't recognize that it was attacking someone who could only be defined as an apex predator. Meh, call it Darwin in action. The point was, the whole scene was just as awe-inspiring as it was absolutely terrifying.

Alas, the farewell to Tonjit couldn't take longer than it took for him to go out of sight, and consequently, for Luffy to finally notice the cold. At that point, I walked closer to Sanji, and as I was casually passing him by, I muttered, "Help Zoro. Protect Robin."

It was a serious credit to Sanji that he didn't even hesitate or pause, merely altering his gait _ever_ so slightly so that he was shadowing-but-not-shadowing Robin.

All too soon we were back on dry land, and all too soon Aokiji sank into a sitting position with a world-weary sigh. Luffy tilted his head in confusion while Zoro and Sanji exchanged looks of understanding.

"What's wrong?" Luffy asked curiously.

"How do I put this… you're the spitting image of your grandfather, Monkey D. Luffy," Aokiji said tiredly, prompting the rubber man to stiffen. "You're both wild souls, neither of you willing to let anyone tell you what to do…"

"Y-You know my grandpa?!" Luffy whimpered fearfully, looking about ten seconds away from bolting.

"How could he not know him, Luffy?" I asked dryly. "Heck, he probably _trained_ him."

Turns out that ice-men _are_ capable of shivering, though I suspect it was more out of existential terror than cold. "Not on your life. I was lucky enough to be trained by a different member of that particular generation of loonies. He was harsh, sure, but I'd take him over the 'Fist of Love' any day."

The display of horror from both Luffy _and_ Aokiji was enough to make _everyone_ anxious and incredulous.

"Well, this explains why Luffy is such a monster: it runs in the family," Sanji muttered.

"Oh-ho-ho, you have _no_ idea," I chuckled. "You want a frame of reference for how nuts the old man is, how about—"

"I would rather _not_ have a frame of reference, thank you," Aokiji interrupted. "And to continue my earlier thought, as bad as Straw Hat is, you're making him even worse," he slowly turned his gaze to me, "Mister Jeremiah Cross."

That was unexpected, but what he said next was even _worse._ "Maybe I should just kill you all right here and now. The World Government sees Cross as a threat more than anyone, but analysis through official reports and your SBS has shown that your crew as a whole is a determined group of individuals. Half of your number may be animals, but your size is nothing to scoff at. One day, you'll surely become an acute threat. From the time that Straw Hat received his first bounty up until now, your growth has been extraordinary. And though for the most part you've only preyed on pirates or tyrants unless the situation demanded otherwise, such as with Navarone, you've made no secret of the fact that you despise the World Government."

"Wh-Why are you saying all of this?! You said you were just out for a walk!" Usopp stammered.

"Believe me, when it comes to him and Kizaru, that only means they don't _feel_ like killing you at _that_ moment." I shifted on my feet uncomfortably. "Ten seconds later? Whole different story."

"And if Cross' impossibly comprehensive knowledge isn't enough, your crew is now especially dangerous… because of you, Nico Robin," Aokiji continued, completely ignoring us.

"So you're saying that you want to take Robin away from us?!" Luffy snarled, adopting a fighting stance while Zoro and Sanji both flanked Robin, whose face was a mask of impassiveness.

"Now, now, let me explain…" Aokiji waved his hand placatingly. "It's not quite so simple. See, the size of a person's bounty does not merely reflect their combat capabilities. It also reflects how much of a threat that person is to the World Government." He pointed at Robin. "That's why she had such a large bounty placed on her head at the age of eight. Since then, Nico Robin has always been something of a survivor. Betraying those who gave her shelter, using them as shields so that she could escape to a new group. And now, rather than hiding in a warzone, she's picked this crew as a new set of scapegoats, and one as globally active as this?" He shook his head with a sigh. "I find myself concerned by these circumstances, to say the least."

Despite my forewarning, Robin's semi-calm mask cracked clean through and exposed the terror she was feeling; the admiral's words shook her, and I had to actively remind myself that as much as I really, really, _really_ wanted to, trying to tear this bastard down would most likely be fatal.

"You—!" Sanji started to snarl, only for Vivi to hastily grab his sleeve and hold him back.

"What did Robin do to you in the past, Aokiji?" Vivi asked in a mostly civil tone… or as civil as possible when her voice was shaking like a leaf and sweat was pouring down her brow.

"Oh, she never did anything to me personally," the Admiral shrugged casually. "I only know her because she escaped from me a long time ago. But since then…" He slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Well, suffice to say that the rest of you will learn one day the extent to which this woman is a curse given life."

I'm not quite sure what hurt more at that instant: the sight of Robin shuddering heavily out of the corner of my eyes or the way my fingers were starting to bite through the bandages covering the palm of my hand.

"And the proof of that?" Aokiji continued frigidly, every bit of him as cool as liquid nitrogen. "Why, you've seen it for yourselves: every organization that Nico Robin has been a part of has ended up completely annihilated, always leaving her as the sole survivor."

I bit my lip in an effort to stay silent as the words I _knew_ to be untrue proceeded to sow merry hell amongst the crew. While most everyone else was glancing at one another uncomfortably as they processed those words, I took the opportunity to glance back at Robin. Thankfully, though she still looked to be thoroughly and utterly haunted by her trauma, she didn't look close to snapping either. I _started_ to think that we might be able to pull through this…

Until he said it. Until he fucking went there and _said it._

"That's always how it's been for her, ever since the time when she was _eight."_

I blinked in confusion for a second as I wondered why he was being so specific about that when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks.

Twenty years ago. The Archaeologists. Ohara.

That bastard was pinning fucking _Ohara_ on her.

I didn't even _need_ to look back at Robin to gauge how she was feeling, because I was damn well feeling it too. To hell with the consequences and to hell with this _asshole_ ; if he wanted to go _that far_ in the name of making Robin attack first, if he wanted to use the truth as a weapon that much, that was _his_ problem. And it meant that he didn't have the right to complain when I decided to fight _back._

And I started my counterattack the only possible way I could.

"Pfheheheheh…"

With a dry and grim chuckle that caused everyone to freeze and stare at me.

"What's so funny, Jeremiah Cross?" Aokiji wondered, just as incredulous as everyone else.

"Pfheheheh, heh, hoooh…" I wound down my laughter by exaggeratedly wiping a tear from the corner of my eye. "Ohh, nothing, nothing, I swear. I'm just… _amused_ , is all. Just, you know, the _way_ you said it. It, it's just funny is all!"

"Care to elaborate?" the tall man inquired.

I slowly allowed a savage grin to spread across my lips. "You _sure_ you want that, Admiral? Really, really sure? After all, once I start talking…" I slowly cracked my neck back and forth. "I don't stop until something _breaks._ And honestly? I just don't think you're strong enough not to crack."

Aokiji tensed, but folded his arms in a show of relaxation. "Please, continue." He narrowed his eyes menacingly. "I insist."

" _Cross, please,"_ came a whisper directly by my ear. I looked back at Robin, and smiled grimly.

"Sorry, Robin. I know I said I'd be careful, and I really wanted to avoid this…" I shrugged and shook my head helplessly, at the same time removing Soundbite from my shoulder and handing him to the nearest crewmate, Conis in this case, much to the snail's horror. "But when someone goes that far, hurts one of my friends that bad, talking me down is as hopeless as talking logic to Luffy."

Soundbite whimpered as I turned away, and locked eyes with Aokiji. " _This is gonna_ **suck, isn't IT?"**

"Like a black hole," I confirmed quietly. Then I re-donned my grin and spoke more audibly. "So, what did I find amusing? Well, quite honestly, it was just the way you tell the story. See," I gestured in his direction. "The way _you_ tell things, it _sounds_ like what happened to those groups was all Robin's fault. But, see, that's… just not really _correct_ , is it, Admiral? She," I waved my hand at Robin. "Never actually _did_ anything, did she? Well, alright, she _might_ have helped us with Baroque Works and I don't know the details of whoever else she worked with, but the point is, by and large, the reason that those organizations all collapsed, it wasn't her fault." I slowly pointed my finger up at him, my face pointedly devoid of emotion. "It was all you. You and the rest of the World Government's _dogs."_

Aokiji frowned and I felt the temperature drop a degree or two, but I pressed on. " _You're_ the ones who started the fights against those groups, who destroyed them and made Robin run. _You're_ the ones who put a bounty on her head, and made it so that she couldn't trust _anyone_ in the world. _You're_ the ones who hunted her, day and night, without cease or pause, like bloodhounds after a _scent."_

"Now, now, Mister Cross, I'd be careful with what you say…" Aokiji coldly retorted. "After all, you're talking about things you know nothing about. Nico Robin is a legitimate threat to the World Government, we were justified in our pursuit."

I let out a bark of humorless laughter. "A threat? Why, because she destroyed some battleships? Give me a freaking break!" I swung my arm back at Robin. "Her powers make _limbs_ in her line of sight. She's trained those powers for the last _twenty years_ and isn't able to sink a ship, how could she do it when she was eight!?" I shook my head with a scowl. "No… she's not a threat because of what she can do, she's a threat because of what's in her _head."_ I took a challenging step forwards as I glared bloody murder at the Admiral. "Do you even _know_ why you're hunting her? Twenty years after the fact, after climbing so far up the ranks, do you even have an _inkling_ as to the _real_ reason why the Elder Stars sentenced her to death? As to why they _let—_ no, _ordered_ what happened twenty years ago to take place?"

"It's not my place to ask," Aokiji countered.

I snarled darkly as I _seriously_ fought the pointless desire to crush the bastard's face in. "Of course you don't. After all, it's your whole motto of 'Lazy Justice'. Akainu doesn't need to ask, Kizaru doesn't care either way, but you? You don't think it's worth the _effort_ to care, you just do what they say because it's _easier_. Well, let me make it _nice_ and easy for you!" I jabbed a finger back at Robin. "The cold hard facts of the matter are thus: the World Government put a bounty on her head when she was eight. Years. _Old,_ when her only crime was learning something that the World Government didn't want her to know. They didn't consider _any_ alternatives, didn't even _contemplate_ mercy as an option, they just jumped straight to full on _lethal._ That alone is all that's needed for _anyone_ with a shred of common _decency_ within themselves to realize that the organization that you've dedicated your life to is completely corrupt."

Aokiji's expression was cold, but his eyebrows rose in response to that statement. "And you really think it's fair to judge the World Government based off of a single incident, Mister Cross?"

"Don't play dumb like that, _Kuzan,_ it doesn't suit you," I spat harshly, causing his eyes to widen in surprise. "You really think I'm making that judgment so lightly?" I pointed at Vivi. "They accused a princess who sacrificed everything to save her country from one of _their_ boxed crooks of treason because of a one-sided _blood feud_ , forcing her to become a pirate." I folded my arms. "And that's just the start. I know five islands off the top of my head that the World Government has driven to hell, not even _counting_ the two currently represented on our crew."

"Fine, so the World Government isn't perfect…" he begrudgingly admitted. "But the Marine Corps still exists for the protection of all civilians, to minimize whatever casualties happen, from either side."

I scoffed dismissively. "Some Marines believe that and act on it, sure, but for the Corps as a whole? That sentiment hasn't been even remotely true for a long time, and it's only going to get worse from here on. And you know it, Kuzan, even if it's only deep down in your gut: when Sengoku steps down, you'll be his prime candidate, I'm sure, but who do you think the Five Elder Stars are going to want in his place? Someone cool-headed and restrained like you? _Hell_ no. They'll want someone who will keep their definition of peace by any means necessary, even if it means murdering hundreds of innocent men, women, and children to remove the risk of a perceived criminal slipping through their clutches."

His fists clenched as he heard my words, no doubt realizing exactly what I was referring to. But still, he was _way_ too calm. Time for the _real_ guns.

"You could try challenging him to a duel to the death, and Sakazuki would _still_ become Fleet Admiral. You know what the future holds, Kuzan. So, right now, in the present, you need to ask yourself… 'Is this what I call justice? Can I take pride in something like this?'"

Aokiji stiffened and Robin gasped quietly as I threw Jaguar D. Saul's last words to the admiral back in his face. Then I gave him a slight smile, nothing but bitterness within, and spoke the words that I _knew_ would break him. "I know _exactly_ what happened that day, Kuzan. I know what you did and why you did it. I know how you felt then and admittedly I've only got a good guess as to how you feel now. But there is one thing I know above all else: I might not have known _him_ personally… but I know that if _he_ were here right now, seeing what you are and what you're doing, what you've _done_ … he'd be _disgusted_ with you."

I had only a split second to notice Aokiji's expression turn from cold to downright apoplectic—

Before he was suddenly in front of me, arm drawn back.

My pupils dilated. "Ah, _shi—!"_

_WHAM!_

That was as far as I got before the air was smashed out of my lungs by Aokiji backhanding me in the chest and sending me tumbling into the grass. The first thing I managed to process through the pain was that I wasn't breathing. The second thing I processed was that he had strapped me with _bands of fucking ice SHIT TOO TIGHT!_

"Sengoku was right, Jeremiah Cross," Aokiji breathed frigidly. "I really _shouldn't_ have let you open your damn mouth."

" _Grrgghh…"_ I wheezed out as I rammed my fist against the restraints, trying desperately to draw some measure of breath but failing on account of how my ribs were being kept from expanding. " _Bas… tard…!"_

"Actually, in retrospect… I think that Akainu might have been right for once, too."

My struggles promptly froze as I caught sight of the _very_ icicle-laden foot hanging over my head.

"Sometimes," Aokiji droned darkly. "You just need to stamp out the _bugs."_

Once again, for all my bravado, I couldn't bring myself to keep my eyes open. I clenched my eyes shut—

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

_**FWOOM!** _

Only for a very sudden burst of heat to course a few inches above my head, and I snapped my eyes open to see Aokiji just a few steps back, glaring daggers in Conis' direction, having barely dodged the gunner's Burn Bazooka blast. Without pausing, the gunner aimed another blast and fired even as she ran towards me, before kneeling down and pressing Soundbite to my chest.

" _What do we say to_ _ **Death?**_ **NOT TODAY!"**

_CRACK!_

" _GAH!"_ I gasped like a drowning man coming up for air as the ice shattered and my lungs were freed, putting Soundbite back on my shoulder. "Mother- _fucker that stings!"_

" **Good, means that** _ **YOU'RE STILL CONSCIOUS!"**_

The second I could focus on something other than my breath and scrambling to my feet and away from Aokiji, I noticed that the vast majority of the rest of the crew was preparing to follow Conis' example, their expressions ranging from Nami's firm resignation to Boss' cold determination to Luffy's outright _fury._

But above all of them was at once the best and _worst_ thing that I could have heard at that moment:

"LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE, AOKIJI!" Robin yelled, crossing her arms and glaring bloody murder at the admiral.

My eyes widened in panic as I snapped an arm up at her. "Robin _, don't—"_ I tried to protest.

"You have _no_ right to protest anymore, Cross," she outright snarled. "You've had your say, now here's _mine._ _TREINTA FLEUR!"_

Before I could do or say anything further, thirty arms bloomed all over Aokiji's body, poised to snap his body in half. He turned his attention to her, his powers beginning to freeze the duplicate arms. But in spite of the steam starting to waft up from her real arms and the slight wince in her expression, still she stood strong.

"My, my. It looks like I underestimated this crew; they've actually pushed you to the point of attacking me to try to protect them?" Aokiji said, perfectly calm despite the hold posed to break him in every possible sense of the word.

"You killed the first true friend I ever made right in front of me the last time we met," Robin spat venomously. "Now, for the first time in twenty years, I've actually found friends who would still believe in me, even after you did everything you could to turn them against me. And now that I've found them…" She snapped her hands shut. " _I am done running. CLUTCH!"_

And just like that, Aokiji's form shattered into diamond dust, and Robin, though panting, had a distinct look of triumph on her face.

I, however, was feeling distinctly less enthused. "Very nice, very badass," I grit out as I watched the ice particles start to shift. "Oh, and by the way everyone? His fruit, the Ice-Ice Fruit? It's a fucking _Logia,_ which means that that little display, impressive though it was, accomplished absolutely jack and _shit_ beyond most likely pissing him off _._ In summary?"

"Burn him before he pulls himself together, got it," Lassoo growled, padding forward in his hybrid form.

Aokiji chose that moment to reform his upper body, the air and ground crackling from near-instant snap-freeze as he started seemingly pull himself from the permafrost coating the ground.

Lassoo sucked in a deep breath before belting out a thick ball of tar. "CANI-PLASTER!"

The Admiral, already half-reformed by that point, spared the black gelatinous ball a glance before blowing out a misty white cloud that intercepted the tar a mere few feet from him. When the cloud dispersed, all that was left was a jagged black hunk of ice reaching towards him that he didn't even spare a second glance as he stood up.

Lassoo's eyes widened and his tail dropped between his legs as he started inching backwards. "Ah…"

"Actually," I continued in a faux-calm tone of voice. "What I was about to say was this." I promptly turned around and belted down the coastline, grabbing Robin's jacket and dragging her along with me. "FUCKING RUN!"

"We covered this earlier, Cross," Aokiji said dryly. "Feet or miles…" I noticed him crouching down and pressing his palm to the ground as I looked back. "There's nowhere that you can run. Observe. _**Ice Age."**_

**FWOOSH!**

I had all of two seconds to note the wave of _cold_ that swept past my feet—

"WOAHSHIT!"

_CRACK!_

Before my feet slid out from beneath me due to my feet losing all traction on the frozen soil, sending me crashing to the ground.

"…Duly noted," I mumbled into the ground.

" _ **I wonder if he'll be able to pull himself back together after THIS!"**_

I managed to flip myself over in time to see Chopper swipe his arm out and send a number of vials spinning through the air, all of them surrounding Aokiji.

" **EAT THIS…"** Chopper snarled viciously, a number of scalpels splayed in his hoof. " **CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST** _ **FLURRY!"**_ With that, the currently-psycho-doctor snapped his hoof out and flung his blades at the vials, striking each one dead on, breaching the glass—

_**KA-BOOM!** _

And causing the contents within to react _violently_ with the air.

I winced and shielded myself from the wave of light and heated air that assaulted me.

It only got worse when Conis fired her Burn Bazooka with all the firepower the Dial could muster, followed by Nami practically bringing the wrath of Zeus down on his head. Even Usopp contributed what he could, his hands blurring with how fast he was firing.

Everybody watched the resulting smog, and when it cleared… Aokiji stood there, completely unscathed and with his normal, bored expression back in place.

"Well, I'll give you this much," he drawled as he flicked a clod of dirt from his jacket. "If I weren't a Logia, that probably would have stung a bit."

"WHAT THE _HELL_ DOES IT TAKE TO KEEP THIS GUY DOWN?!" Usopp screamed.

"Does anyone have any sea prism stone, New World-grade pirates, or convincing enough acting skills to make him think you're Sengoku?" I asked sarcastically. "Or we could just try building a sauna."

"This is _not_ the time, Cross!" Robin grit out.

"What part of the words 'coping mechanism' are you people failing to grasp!?" I shot back at her.

"Sounds like the core concept to me."

Robin and I froze before slowly turning our gazes up to stare at Aokiji in terror as he suddenly towered over us.

"I am _really_ starting to hate that technique…" I whimpered.

"GET AWAY FROM THEM!"/"GET AWAY FROM ROBIN-CHWAN!/""GET AWAY FROM MY CREW!"

Zoro, Sanji, Boss, and a lobster-red Luffy lunged at Aokiji from behind. He turned his head halfway as he regarded them for an instant before _moving,_ fending off Boss with a kick and grabbing one of Zoro's arms and simply tossing him away. Luffy and Sanji, he didn't even touch; his powers crippled them with frost as soon as they touched his body. By the time he was done, the Monster Trio plus one were left rolling on the ground, agonizing over their hyper-frostbitten limbs as he turned back to us, and moved for Robin. Gritting my teeth and steeling my nerves, I interposed myself between them, arms flung out to shield her.

Aokiji raised an eyebrow at me before shrugging indifferently. He then clamped one hand down on my shoulder opposite where Soundbite was and reached past me with the other. And then…

" **Ice Time."**

CRACK!

" _AAAARGH!"_

It was… almost indescribable.

Intellectually, I knew at the time that the ice— _dry ice, at that—_ was stupidly far below zero in temperature and thus extremely cold, but physically? Physically, that ice _burned._ It burned worse than almost any other burn I'd felt before, almost as bad as the hell _Eneru_ had put me through, and it was _spreading,_ going down my arm, down my side, _across my chest—_

"GRGH, _MOTHERFUCKER!"_ I snarled out in agony. " _RIGHT ON THE FUCKING SCARS, YOU RAGING_ BASTARD!"

It took every bit of willpower Zoro had forced into me to not just slip into oblivion, and I came damn close to giving up the ghost, too, but there was one sound that made me hang in there.

The sound of Robin whimpering in the exact same agony behind me.

It took a second for me to get the mental wherewithal to do much of anything, but once I did, I reached up with my unfrozen hand and grabbed the arm Aokiji was using to freeze my hand. I winced as the ice burned at my already mutilated fingers, but I pointedly refused to let go, prompting him to glance down at me.

I snarled in the admiral's face. "Let. Her. _Go."_

Aokiji stared at me, his expression unreadable, for several seconds with no notable change in the ice's progression. Then, all at once, the freezing stopped advancing, and Aokiji pulled back.

I didn't even have time to contemplate the fact that I _wasn't_ being frozen anymore when my attention was diverted by a grunt of pain behind me, prompting me to spin around and grab Robin just before she toppled over.

It was… I'll be honest, it wasn't good. Whereas I'd managed to get away with only one of arms and the upper part of one of my legs frozen, the entire right half of Robin's body was completely encased in ice, her remaining half visibly struggling to support the dead weight. How she still seemed coherent, let alone conscious, was beyond me.

"Nico Robin," Aokiji stated quietly. "As Cross somehow knows, Jaguar D. Saul was my friend, too. It was because of his final wishes that I allowed you to escape from Ohara that day. I still feel responsible for your life, but after twenty years of wandering, I felt that it was time for you to die. But it seems that you've found your place after all."

Those words stunned Robin more than any of the weaponized truths he threw at her earlier, and the rest of the crew seemed stunned as well, me especially. Was… Was he really serious? Was he _actually_ reaffirming Robin staying with us!?

He sighed, and turned away, waving his hand carelessly as he started to walk towards the ocean. "Well, in the end, I suppose we owe you all _something_ from the Alabasta incident, so I'll let you go today."

I was so relieved I thought I might pass out. Vivi, however, still spun her Lion Cutters—no, wait, Lion Cut- _ter,_ singular. Her other hand was—clutching her necklace again. "Just today?" she snarled.

Aokiji paused and glanced back at Vivi before rolling his eyes with a sigh. "Alright, let me rephrase that: I won't come after your crew again unless I'm outright ordered to. Better?"

Vivi continued to glare at him for a few seconds, and then allowed her Cutter to stop spinning.

"Good." And with that, he started walking again, and we started to allow ourselves to relax…

"You've found people who will protect you, Nico Robin. They're willing to take on the world for you, of that I have no doubt."

But, of course, it couldn't be that simple.

"But can they win? I _seriously_ doubt _that_."

I couldn't have felt more pain in that moment if he tore all of my bandages off, for moments before Robin's free eye slid shut as she gave up the fight to stay awake I saw the spark that had been growing there over the past few weeks flicker and _die_.

Damn it… Damn it… DAMN IT! One parting shot from him, and every bit of faith Robin had in us was gone.

"Damn you…" I hissed viciously. "Damn every last one of you _monsters_ straight to hell."

Aokiji paused again before chuckling deeply. "A monster, huh. That's rich, coming from a demon like you."

I grit my teeth as I glared at Aokiji's back. "Well at least. I'm. _Honest."_

_That_ shut him up.

And so, without a single word further, Admiral 'Aokiji' Kuzan of Marine HQ walked out onto the winter wasteland he'd constructed without a care in the world, slowly striding off into the distance…

Leaving us all to contemplate and process our complete and utter defeat, in every sense of the word.

**-o-**

"Geeze, you work fast, Chopper," I complimented, flexing the new bandages on my arm that were distinctly devoid of any manner of frost. "Thanks for the quick unfreeze, I didn't expect it to be this fast."

"It's nothing, Cross," the reindeer replied. I snapped my head over to him, and he sighed. "No, Cross, it still doesn't make me happy, but right now, I don't feel like I've done that much good, considering how my best shot did absolutely nothing against Aokiji."

"…You're so let down that you're not even going to flip out like you usually do? I mean, in the story, you were more focused on defrosting—"

"In the story, I wasn't as good at fighting as I am now," Chopper cut in absentmindedly as he ruffled through his bag. "In this reality, your advice helped me get to the point where I'm stronger and more confident. Back on Skypiea, it was different; I knew that Luffy would have to beat Eneru, and he did. But this time…" He rammed his hoof into his bag, causing it to let out a _very_ terror-inducing clink of glass. "None of us could do anything. _I_ couldn't do anything. I… couldn't even help…"

I grimaced in acknowledgement, but shook my head. "Try not to let it bother you too much, Chopper."

"And why the hell not, Cross?" Chopper snarled, snapping an equal parts vicious and desperate look at me.

I pointed my finger at the wall of the cabin with a flat look. "Because currently, our four strongest frontline fighters are _warming_ their frostbitten asses in the ocean after getting said asses absolutely _handed_ to them. In victory, it's not very fair to use them as milestones, but in defeat they're perfect justifications."

" **So what you're saying…** " Soundbite started slowly. " _Is that there's no SHAME IN LOSING_ **IF THEY LOST TOO?"**

"Something like that," I waved my hand in vague agreement. "Aokiji is the epitome of the big leagues in this world. Today, we had no chance of winning, but he let us live because he has decency. I have no doubt that someday our crew will have to fight someone of his caliber and win to escape death or worse, but as long as we keep training, we won't be hit with more than we can take. We'll be pushed to our limits just about every time, yes… but we'll _survive."_

Chopper groaned and kneaded his temples miserably. "Damn it, Cross, how can you be so sure of that with everything that's gone wrong?"

I smiled fondly and patted the top of his hat. "I'm not saying this off of my knowledge, Chopper. I'm saying it off of something I believed before I came here, and now _know_ with perfect certainty: our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, _will_ become the Pirate King, and in that same breath, we _will_ be the crew that puts him on top. It's just _that_ simple."

That brought the reindeer up short. He stared at me for a few more seconds before finally smiling and nodding firmly. "Yeah, you're right. He won't die before he reaches his dream, and neither will the rest of us." He tilted his smile upwards as he patted a hoof on the deck. "None of us will…"

_That_ sobered me up a little, but I did my best not to show it. Fortunately, I got a good excuse not to dwell on Merry and how unsure I was that I could keep my promise to her in the form of Conis coming into the impromptu medical room that we had set up in the kitchen.

"Everyone else sent asked me to check on how Robin's doing. Is she going to be alright?" she asked in concern.

At _that,_ I couldn't suppress my grimace. "Physically?" I jabbed my thumb at the tub of lukewarm saltwater she was soaking in. Already the ice had subsided by a substantial amount, releasing her face and torso and leaving only the lower parts of her extremities fragile. "She'll be fine. It was touch and go for a bit on account of how Aokiji literally turns people into ice, but she's thawing well enough, so she's out of any critical danger."

I groaned and kneaded the bridge of my nose. "No, the _real_ damage was all in Aokiji's parting shot, and fixing that's… _not_ gonna be so easy." I shook my head miserably; she had called us her friends. She had been _ready_ to accept us. She had been _one. Freaking. MINUTE!_ away from exchanging secrets, from her _accepting_ us wholeheartedly. And now… now, we'd be lucky if she would still be willing to call any of us by our _names._

I gave Conis a solemn look. "As soon as Boss and the Monster Trio are healed, bring everyone in here, and Chopper, be ready to wake her up."

The two nodded and got to work, leaving me to watch over Robin in solemn silence.

If I was honest with myself, my relationship with Robin was… different from the rest of the crew, to say the least. Back before I came to the Blue Seas, I was always the older brother in my family. Whether it be my natural brother or my stepsiblings, I'd always been the eldest, the one… _relatively_ in charge, given how they never respected me worth shit, but I digress. Anyway, the point is that growing up, I didn't really have someone close to my level that I could relate to, someone with equal interests. And don't get me wrong, I loved the rest of the Straw Hats to death and back and most of the time I could match their energy without worry, but with Robin, I could find… peace and quiet. With Robin, I could enjoy a quiet moment of debate over some story or other, or a nice and sharp back-and-forth snarkfest.

To put it simply, while the rest of the crew filled the niches of siblings and cousins of similar or slightly lesser ages, over the course of her time on the crew, Robin had become like the big sister I'd never had. And the idea that all of that could have just been undone by some paltry _words…_

I groaned and kneaded my temples miserably. I _had_ to get this right on the first try, I _had_ to, because if I didn't, I wasn't sure that I'd get another chance before everything went straight to hell.

It was the longest half hour of my life until the others were ready, by which time Robin had completely defrosted. Everyone was gathered in the kitchen, and Chopper prepared the smelling salts. Or at least, the _horrific_ concoction he called smelling salts, anyways.

"Alright, fair warning…" Chopper bit his tongue as he waved the vial under Robin's nose. "After a trauma like this, the reactions of patients waking up have a tendency of being somewhat—"

Robin's eyes snapped open and _CRAP HARD GRIP ON MY THROAT COULDN'T BREATHE!_

"— _VISCERAL!"_ Chopper gagged out around the arm that was coiled around his neck.

" _No shit!"_ I wheezed out as I yanked at the fingers that were throttling me.

" _ **Let him go**_ OR GET READY TO _lose a thumb AGAIN!"_ Soundbite roared.

Robin blinked numbly for a moment as she came back from her adrenaline high before gasping in shock and snapping her arms down, allowing the arms that had been incapacitating the crew to dissolve. "I-I'm so sorry, I just—! I-It was reflexive, I didn't mean—!"

"No harm done, Robin," I rasped, wincing as I rubbed a particularly sore part of my throat. "For the most part, at least… anyway, you don't have anything to worry about, you're back with your friends now."

I was hopeful, so _so_ hopeful, that the trauma of being frozen, or at _least_ the sheer hurt of the ordeal, would have been enough to suppress Aokiji's last words to her. But going by the way that she smiled at me in a _clearly_ hollow way, it was painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.

"Yes… Yes, you're right…" Robin slowly allowed herself to relax back into the tub before turning her grin on Chopper, causing him to shiver uncomfortably. "Thank you for the assistance, Mister Doctor, I apprecia—"

"Come on, Robin!" I cut in, causing her to jump and successfully putting a crack in the mask she was trying to bolt back into place. "Are you _really_ going to let the words of that coldhearted _bastard_ undo everything you've been looking for over the last twenty years? You called us your friends—hell, we _are_ your friends, full-stop!"

She made a weak attempt to smile. "Mister Jeremiah—"

"DON'T YOU 'MISTER JEREMIAH' ME!" I snapped, slamming my fist into the wall. I noticed Sanji holding himself back with an effort in the background as I moved over to her. "Damn it, Robin, I thought you were past this! It doesn't matter what the _hell_ that bastard said or what scare tactics he tried to use, we _still_ want to be your friends, and I thought that after all this time, you were willing to trust us. The words of someone like him shouldn't make a difference!"

Her expression faltered, but she still tried to hide behind a painfully neutral expression instead. I grit my teeth; if I had to take drastic measures to make her be honest at this point, so be fucking it.

"Robin, I broke that mask before through kindness, but _damn it,_ I can and will go the other way and get you spitting nails if I have to; if I can do it to Aokiji, I can do it to you," I warned her before groaning in exhaustion as I cooled down a bit and gave her a pleading look. "Listen, Robin… do you _really_ want to go back to the point where instead of seeing you, all we saw was Crocodile's right-hand woman who helped to try to overthrow Vivi's country? Do you _really_ want to go back to being Miss All Sunday?"

Vivi remained perfectly silent, her body slightly angled away from Robin, but the glances she was occasionally shooting her spoke volumes.

"Come on, Robin!" Nami pleaded desperately. "You're one of the only people on the crew with a lick of sense. Without you, how the heck would we be able to keep from going crazy every second of the day?!"

"Not to mention that you can keep up with me when I'm talking about science, even when I go off the deep end!" Chopper tacked in, tears shimmering in his eyes. "I'm alright with the fact that usually everyone else just smiles and nods, but you actually read my notes and understood them! You even _helped_ me develop half of the combat formulas I'm using! You're almost as much of a mentor to me as Doctorine!"

"You're a stone-cold bitch with cheap-as-all-hell powers and enough practice keeping your emotions to yourself that I probably wouldn't trust you if Cross and Luffy didn't," Zoro cut in. Before anyone could tear his head off, however, he sighed and bowed his head. "And… you're one of the strongest women I've ever met."

Luffy was silent for a few moments, the brim of his hat tilted down over his eyes before he finally spoke up. "You're a member of this crew, Robin, no matter what." He stated it as though it was an immutable fact… and honestly, it might as well have been.

I capped it all off with clamping my hand down on my shoulder and leaned forward, looking her dead in the eyes. "You belong here, Robin. You know it, _we_ know it. So, after everything you've gone through with us, all the good times _and_ the bad that we've shared, do you _really_ want us to treat you like everybody else you've met for the last twenty years, and vice-versa?"

She _tried_ to stay emotionless for a bit, she really did, but ultimately, my words were the breaking point; she bowed her head, not willing to look at any of us, and I swear I saw something sparkling from her face drip into the tub below her. "… No," she breathed at last, hugging herself miserably. "But what else would you have me do? This crew… this is the first place that I've actually felt secure since… since…" She bit down on her lip before she could say anything further.

"Seriously, Robin? Even after all this, after _all_ we've gone through, you can't bring yourself to tell them?" I asked, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice.

Slowly, she looked up, tears actually shimmering in her eyes. "No, I can't… Because I can't deny what Aokiji said. We… _you're_ all strong, incredibly so… but not strong enough to fight the world." She looked away miserably. "Nobody is…"

"At the risk of Sanji kicking me, that's a steaming load of bull," Mikey announced hotly.

The cook took a _deep_ draw from his cigarette before snorting it out. "I never thought I'd agree with anyone insulting a woman in any form, but I agree with the dugong," he stated. "You're the only one here who believes that, Robin dear."

"…How can you say that, Sanji?" she shook her head miserably. "What just happened with Aokiji—"

"Is only going to help us," Zoro cut in sharply. "We lost, and none of us are happy about that, but we _survived_. We've seen what we're up against, now we just need to get to the point that when we meet him again, we won't lose."

"And unless shit somehow goes sideways in a manner most spectacular sometime soon, we won't have to face anyone we can't beat with no way out except their mercy again, Robin," I said carefully, looking at Luffy the whole time… though his head was still bowed, preventing anyone from reading his expressions.

"You can't—" Robin began.

"Do you really think that I'm lying?" I interrupted.

"I—no, but you don't know—" she stammered.

"Do you really think that our captain, Monkey _D._ Luffy, will ever let any of us down?" I pressed, quietly but intensely.

There was a minor spark of recognition in Robin's eyes and she perked up ever so slightly, looking at me, and then at Luffy. He looked up slightly, revealing one of his eyes, and Ace couldn't have had more of a fire burning in his than Luffy's had at that moment. Robin looked at him for what felt like an eternity before slowly looking away, shame on her face.

"…I want to say that I believe…" she whispered, clutching tightly at her arms. "But after all these years—"

" _Cross."_

Robin cut herself off, and we both looked back at Luffy. He looked like he had a bad taste in his mouth, but his eyes still burned. "I'm… changing my orders," he grit out uncomfortably. "From now on, you have my permission to say anything you know—" He shuddered heavily at the words before forging onwards. "But only if it can help us get stronger, that's it!"

I gaped, and most of the rest of the crew seemed equally stunned, but Luffy just looked at Robin, a wry grin slowly growing on his face. "After all, if we're going to take on the whole world, then we're going to need to be a lot stronger, right?"

I glanced at Robin for a second before looking back at Luffy. "Yeah, that'd be for the best. I mean, so long as we fight like hell we'll get through what's coming up next…" I trailed off for a second before nodding firmly. "But yeah, I'd be a _lot_ more comfortable if we took what little time we have here on Long Ring Long to hone our skills."

" **Training whenever you** _can DOES HURT!"_ Soundbite piped up. " _ **HURTS THEM, ANYWAYS!"**_

"Well, I'm all for it. If I know what to shoot for, I should be able to reach it faster," Zoro grinned widely.

"My students and I train on a regular basis anyways, so we'll just have to train twice as hard, right boys?" Boss said confidently, pounding his 'fist' into his 'palm'.

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the dugongs barked as they snapped to attention.

"I don't plan on letting another lady get injured in my sight. I'll be glad to train," Sanji said firmly.

"Count me in, too," Chopper nodded in agreement.

"I could definitely use a chance to get used to wielding my arsenal now that I have the chance," Conis mused to herself.

Everyone else responded in the same vein, some speaking, others only nodding, but absolutely none opposed to the idea. I turned back to Robin and promptly felt a pang of sympathy at the sheer degree of shock she displayed. For anyone to be so taken aback at the idea that _anyone_ would be willing to risk their lives for them… it was moments like this that I was _really_ grateful for the transceiver hanging at my side.

Still, my sorrow and rage were promptly washed away by what Robin did next: she _smiled._ An honest, true smile. It was weak and frail, but that wasn't important to me. No, what was truly important was that the spark of life that I'd seen extinguished earlier was back in her eyes; not as strong as before, unfortunately, but there nonetheless.

Bolstered by her reaction, I nodded and clapped my hands. "Right! Everyone who _isn't_ still recovering from hyper-hypothermia, meet me on the deck in ten minutes. I'm going to need that long to make sure I don't forget anything. Oh, and!" I hastily stuck my finger up, causing everyone to pause before shooting apologetic looks at Robin, Conis and the dugongs. "For the record, I do apologize for my cryptic nigh-savant-like bullshittery. But! I promise that once everything is said and done on the next island we arrive on, I will let you all in on the secrets I hold. Agreed?"

Conis and Su exchanged glances for a moment before the angel nodded firmly. "You saved my home with whatever knowledge you have, Cross. I'm perfectly willing to wait as long as I need to learn it."

"Speak for yourself!" Su sniffed. "You'd better talk soon and fast, bub, or else I'll snatch slimeball and _make_ him tell me!"

"JUST TRY IT, _**puff-**_ **BALL!"** Soundbite shot back.

Boss puffed out a cloud of smoke as he held up his flippers in a placating gesture. "Hey, doesn't matter to me either way. In the end, I am and always have been a soldier, and you are my superior." He jabbed his cigar at me. "Until you do something suicidally stupid, my boys and I will listen to you no matter what."

The TDWS nodded in agreement, though Mikey was noticeably reluctant.

"Sooo… we _don't_ get a vote in asking for spoilers early, then?" _SMACK!_ "OW! I was just asking, geeze!"

"Well, if we've got ten minutes, I'll go ahead and double-check the upgrades I've finished up," Usopp muttered, seeming somewhat subdued. I frowned as he left, suddenly remembering that while Merry had been one catalyst that drove him to leave the crew, she hadn't been the only one; there had been _two_ , and his rock-bottom self-esteem from meeting Aokiji was the other. I _needed_ to nip that in the bud once I got the chance, or else we might be looking at a shitton of trouble anyways.

Vivi and Carue left the room next, and everyone else followed soon after, Chopper lingering the longest to make sure the water was still well-suited for Robin. Soon, only Luffy and I were left.

"Robin…" I glanced at Luffy for a moment before giving her a compassionate look. "I'm ready to back you up on… _that_ whenever you are."

She clenched her eyes shut with a shudder and held the position for a moment before giving me a light smile. "… I'm still not certain… but I…" She nodded hesitantly, the action slowly picking up strength. "For the first time in I don't know how—" Robin choked off as she shook her head with a dry chuckle. "Lying again and you no doubt know it… for the first time in _twenty years_ I have hope again…" She graced me with a tearful smile. "And it's all thanks to you. You have my thanks, Mis—" Robin flinched and smiled apologetically. " _Cross._ "

I smiled back and clenched her shoulder reassuringly. "We'll get through this, Robin, don't worry. Now, here." I picked up a vial Chopper had left behind and handed it to her. "Take your medicine and get some rest. We'll wake you up around dinner time, alright?"

Robin chuckled as she took the vial and downed it. "Knowing Sanji, you didn't even…" she trailed off into a yawn. "Even need… to…" She blinked blearily at the vial. "Huh… it would… appear that Chopper… improved his formula… recently…" I caught the vial as she nodded off and sank a few inches into the water.

I watched her sleep soundly for a moment before hanging my head with a groan. "Damn it, Robin…" I ground out miserably.

"Eh? What's wrong?" Luffy asked in surprise. "Robin's happy again, isn't that a good thing?"

I shook my head miserably. "That's what she _said,_ Luffy, and I _want_ to believe her, I want to so _bad_ it hurts…" I shrugged in defeat. "But the fact of the matter is that Robin is a _world_ -class actor, and I honestly can't tell whether or not she was faking those emotions, because I know _damn well_ that she is fully capable of it."

"You had better not be saying she doesn't think we're her friends, Cross," Luffy growled.

"No, Luffy, not at all," I shook my head solemnly. "In fact, that's the only thing I'm completely certain of at the moment."

"Then we should trust her! It's what friends do!" Luffy nodded as though that were that.

I, on the other hand, bowed my head. "Captain… that's the exact reason why we _can't_ trust her."

"Eh!?"

I gestured between him and myself. "We're her friends, Luffy, her friends who she cares about more than life itself." I pointed at him sadly. "You should know better than _anyone_ that people, even people as smart as her, tend to do stupid, stupid, _stupid_ things, so long as it ends with saving their friends… or their family, as the case may be."

Luffy's expression darkened like a thundercloud, but in the end, he just didn't have an answer to that.

**-o-**

Several minutes of me racking my brains for everything that I could instruct the crew on at this point—which involved no small amount of grumbling (read: violent cursing) at Ace for the 'instructions' on Haki he gave—found me stepping out onto the deck. Everyone's attention turned to me immediately.

"Alright, guys, let's get started." I clapped my hands together and rubbed them eagerly. "To start things off, let me give you all a fair warning: while I've seen and heard of a lot of techniques, which I will be sharing with you, the thing is that I don't know _how_ to do most of them But if you guys could figure it out on your own, then I know that you can figure it out via description, even if it'll no doubt take longer without the on-hand experience."

I looked at Usopp first, noticing him standing beside… something, covered with a tablecloth. "Usopp, full status report on upgrades."

The sniper nodded. "I've almost finished Nami's Perfect Clima-Tact, but I'm still having trouble with making the Eisen Dial work down here. You're sure that there's a way to make it happen?"

"Positive. But if you're still having trouble making it flow… Nami, you're the expert on clouds, think you can see if you can figure out what he has to do?"

Nami nodded, and Usopp continued. "Well, alright, then… In other news, I've almost finished upgrading my slingshot and arsenal. Boss—" He looked at the Dugongs. "I've finished the Thermal Dart, but I haven't worked out a way for you to have a safe place to grab it yet. So, I'm either going to need an indeterminate amount of design time to fix that, or I'm going to need to make heat-retardant gauntlets for you."

Boss snorted and waved his flipper dismissively. " _Please._ A little bit of heat doesn't scare me, I can take it on the chin like a _man."_

"Uh… Boss?" Conis cut in hesitantly with a raised finger. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Heat Dials are capable of reaching temperatures of up to and over 700 degrees Celsius. You could _seriously_ injure your flippers if you used that weapon unprotected!"

Boss cocked an eyebrow at Conis before plucking his cigar from his mouth and grinding it down in his free palm without even a _hint_ of either hesitation or a wince. "I have spent over three-quarters of my life smashing my flippers into the bedrock of the Sandora River and the skulls of every living creature in it. It is a _miracle_ if I ever feel _anything_ with them." He grinned confidently. "Trust me, if anyone can take the heat, it's me."

"…Right. Just make sure that whenever you're not using it, you keep it deactivated, otherwise you're going to be getting a _lot_ more scar-tissue," Usopp finally concluded before nodding at me. "And Cross?" He took hold of the tablecloth covering the table he was near. " _Your_ upgrades are complete." With a triumphant grin, he yanked back the cloth.

I grinned as I took in the sight. He had completely revamped my armor. The color was the same, but ridges covered the backs of them from elbow to finger and knee to toe, and the elbows and knees were thicker than the rest of it, guarding the joints perfectly. The armor as a whole was thicker, too, each piece easily double the size of my limp proper; I could see sleeves of what looked like fabric on the insides of the armor, with the metal part expanded outwards. And in the palms of the gauntlets were two distinctly round shapes, the palms displaying seven-pieced honeycomb-grilles.

"Specially designed from the Usopp Workshop, your new armor comes complete with heat and cold insulation, along with an extra layer of protection and durability composed of sea king leather and the special fibers I use in my ropes. The left one is the Flash Gauntlet, which I've hooked up with that strobe-mechanism you said you liked, and the right one is the Impact Gauntlet, which channels all impacts to the dial no matter where you catch them, even if they're not on the palm itself. And don't worry, I've worked out all of the bugs this time with Luffy and the dugongs acting as test dummies; just make sure to discharge it outside of the feedback mechanism after every twenty or so blasts, otherwise there's a good chance the build-up of energy will blow your bones clean out your elbow. Also!" He pointed on Conis. "I'm working on a way to build a similar device for the Reject Dial; for now, though, the only one who can use it without breaking their arm—and most likely their body as a whole—is Luffy."

"And he hits about as hard as that thing anyway, so really it's a moot point," I chuckled before pointing at Zoro. "Alright, moving on. You, mister First Mate… I have absolutely no idea _how_ you pulled it off, but you worked out some kind of technique you called Nine Swords Style: Asura. Basically—"

"No, no, I got it," Zoro cut me off with a casual wave of his hand. "I know what you're talking about. I've been meditating on it in my spare time, but now that I know that it's actually _possible…"_ He trailed off into a feral grin that caused my blood to freeze over.

Soundbite shuddered in terror. " _Unclean…_ _ **Unclean…"**_

I swallowed heavily in agreement before forging on. "A-A-Anyway, while you're working on that, another technique to think on is one of a set known as the Six Powers." I turned slightly so that I was addressing the whole crew. "The Six Powers is a _highly_ advanced martial-arts style that is used almost exclusively by the Marines' top brass, the purpose of which is to essentially turn the human body into a weapon. Thankfully, however, I think that the techniques are simple enough that you can figure them out yourselves.

"The one I'm thinking of at the moment is known as Iron Body. The basics of it, as I understand them, is to clench your body's muscles hard, and I mean _really_ hard, so that your very flesh—" I rapped my knuckles on my abdomen. "Becomes as solid as iron itself, so that not even blades or bullets can hurt you. Well…" I nodded my head to the side. "Unless it's a bullshit-strong attack, but… well, you get my point." I looked back at Zoro. "I figured that you have the most experience out of all of us at blocking near-lethal attacks with your torso, so I figure that you'd have the most luck puzzling it out."

"Makes sense," Zoro nodded in agreement.

"Hey, I've taken twice as many blows as the Marimo!" Sanji protested.

I gave the cook a flat look. "Sanji, you've taken a lot of bad hits, I'll admit, but you sure as hell didn't take Mihawk's ship-cutting slash _or_ Mr. 1's shredding drill head on."

Sanji faltered at that for a moment before grumbling and looking away as he chewed on his cigarette.

"And besides, you'll be focusing on the second, third _and_ fourth of the Six Powers, and I'm honestly going to be surprised if you don't have at least one of them by the time the day is out. And Zoro will never let you hear the end of it besides that, since he's already mastered one of them as far as his fighting style is concerned."

Both Zoro and Sanji looked at me, the former with wicked eagerness and the latter looking about ready to burst into flames of pure determination. I smiled innocently, somehow managing to move all of my cold sweat to the back of my head. I would not show weakness, I would _not_ show weakness!

"Talk fast," Sanji growled viciously.

I most certainly did _not_ swallow heavily. "Well, see, Zoro's able to produce flying slashes with his Phoenix attacks, and the technique known as the Tempest Kick lets you produce them with your legs. All you have to do is kick with enough force and _somehow_ concentrate all the resultant wind from the attack into an amalgamation of pure wind strong and sharp enough to match any blade."

Sanji's determination faded into a contemplative frown. "Hrm… you mean like what the old geezer did with his peg leg back when that huge shield-wearing psycho tried to ignite the Baratie?"

I blinked. "…Huh, I forgot about that. Figures that old coot would have figured that technique out, God only knows how far into the Line he got before turning back. But… yeah, pretty much, just concentrate all of that wind into a singular blade of air and you should acquire a nice ranged attack in your arsenal."

Sanji smirked at Zoro, but grudgingly looked back at me when I snapped my fingers for attention. "Alright, as much as I'd love to start on that one right away, you said there were two more?"

"Yeah. The third technique, you've actually done already, back when Ohm scarred Conis. With the Moonwalk technique, you kick so hard that you can jump on the air itself. Besides using Devil Fruit powers, it's the closest thing you can ever get to actual flight. I don't expect you to get the hang of that one in a hurry, but if you're able to do it while you're berserk…" I shrugged. "If you have to, try channeling that anger so you can figure out how to do it.

"Now, the fourth one," I said, looking around at the whole crew again. "Seems to be the easiest of all the Six Powers with how common it is. A certain ex-pirate in the East Blue by the name of Captain Kuro even developed a half-bastardized, half-improved version of it: the Shave technique. This is the only one that I know the instructions for: by kicking the ground ten times in a second, you can generate enough force to move fast enough that you seem to practically _teleport_ , disappearing. How the hell you manage it, I don't know, but like I said, it seems to be the easiest of them. Heck," I chuckled, looking back at the sniper and navigator. "With how good you are at running, I wouldn't be surprised if you could manage it, Usopp. Or you, Nami."

The two of them looked contemplative, and I turned my attention back to Luffy. "The fifth technique is called Finger Pistol. Essentially, with enough strength and by applying Iron Body to one's finger, just doing _this—"_ I stuck my arm out, index finger pointing outwards. "Oughta be enough to put a hole in a person as well as any gunshot. A bit more visceral than what you're used to, I know, but I just thought it might be a good idea for your pipe. Good way of piercing through particularly strong defenses and all."

Luffy hummed thoughtfully as he tilted his head to the side.

"Now, the last one is another one that you've pulled off, Luffy, during your fight against Eneru. Though…" I waved my hand side to side. "The official technique is admittedly more effective than that airhead thing you pulled off. Letting your body go limp and letting your reflexes do all the work dodging is the basis of the Paper Art technique, but the real deal lets you keep your head in the game, so that you can attack or move appropriately."

"Oooh, now _that_ sounds like fun!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"Alright, now, let's see…" I slowly started ticking down on my fingers as I muttered to myself. "Zoro needs Haki, Nami and Usopp are fine on their own, Sanji…" I glanced at the cook as he swung out a few kicks. "Hey, Sanji, does the phrase 'if God made food, then the Devil made spice' mean anything to you?"

Sanji froze mid-swing, shooting a shocked look at me. "That move actually _works!?_ I came up with it back up on the Baratie while I was drunk off my ass and I've never used it because I didn't think it'd actually _work!"_

I shrugged helplessly. "Yeah, well, somehow it actually _does,_ and to great effect I might add _._ Something about your heart burning even hotter than the kick or something?"

Sanji's expression rapidly shifted from surprise to realization and then to thoughtful contemplation.

I shrugged and left him to it in favor of moving on. "Alright then, next up, Chopper!" I pointed at the doctor in question. "Seeing as we're currently in the middle of a verdant wasteland, is there any chance that you'd be willing to try training in order to gain control of 'that'?"

The reindeer stared at me in confusion for a moment before paling visibly, even beneath his fur, fidgeting uncomfortably. "I, ah, _don't_ think that that might be such a good idea, Cross…"

"What? Why not?" I blinked in confusion. "I mean, I suppose the whole hyper-exhaustion thing is a danger, but we've got enough muscle here to easily match you, and all we have to do to break the form is knock you in the ocean."

"Weeeell…" Chopper clicked his hooves together sheepishly… the same way he'd done when he was explaining how he'd developed his little Hyde-issue.

"This is gonna suck, isn't it?" I blandly stated.

"Well, see, the thing is, Cross," he said, rubbing the back of his skull. "'That' was a berserker when I stumbled onto it because it was primarily controlled by my unconscious mind. Back then, my unconscious was totally empty, so it was essentially my baser animal instincts given form, if admittedly more savage than I'd expect. But now…" He tapped his hoof against his temple. "That part of my brain isn't quite so unconscious anymore, remember?"

I stood stock still as the implications sunk in. And said implications were that if things proceeded anywhere even relatively close to canon, there was a non-zero chance of the Tower of Justice becoming a _butcher's shop._ Or some other unimaginable abomination of SCIENCE!

… On the other hand, maybe Spandam deserved that—NO, no, it wasn't worth it. It very nearly was, so very, _very_ nearly was, but! I had _collateral_ to think of, so much collateral.

"Let's put a pin in that for now, alright?" I squeaked uncomfortably.

Chopper nodded with just as much trepidation. "Probably for the best, yes."

"Moving right along!" I hastily swung around to my next target, and then paused as an idea came to me, prompting me to swing back to Chopper. "Actually, there's still something that you can do. You know about Luffy's Gears, right?"

"Uh…" Chopper blinked in surprise. "You mean that technique that he used to turn huge and punch out the seawall, right? And the one he used to save Conis from Eneru? What about them?"

"The latter is Gear 1.5 and the prior is 2.5, prototype versions of Gears Second and Third," I explained. "Both extremely powerful tools, to be sure, but, well…" I scratched the back of my neck sheepishly. "Well, you remember how the recoil from 2.5 snapped Luffy into a midget?"

Chopper grimaced as he caught on. "I'm guessing that 1.5 has some kind of side-effect as well?" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know if I can help with anything like the shrinkage, but—"

"Yeeeaaah, see…" My sheepishness redoubled. "That's the thing. Gear Second's side effects are a lot more, shall we say… _visceral_ than Gear Third. How to best put this… Ah, Luffy!" I pointed at our captain. "How do you start 1.5 and how do you usually feel after using it?"

Luffy grinned eagerly as he held his leg up and pointed to it. "Oh, it's easy! I just pump my legs to get my blood flowing faster, and then that makes me go faster too!" He then looked upwards thoughtfully, totally missing the horrified look that had started spreading over Chopper's face. "The bad news is that so far I've only been able to keep it going for a few seconds and after it runs out, I usually feel kinda tired and my muscles ache all over." And then his eager grin was right back in place. "But I've been getting better at using it in my spare time! Some more practice and I'll be able to keep it running for as long as I want! Here." He placed his fist on the deck. "Check it ou—!"

_THWACK!_

"GRK!" Luffy choked, slapping a hand to the side of his neck. However, before he could do anything further, the syringe that had just stabbed him finished emptying its contents into his bloodstream, causing the rubber-man to keel over and start snoring.

We all stared at Luffy's prone form in shock for a moment before turning our gazes to Chopper, whose hoof was still extended in a throwing follow-through and whose face was a rictus of pure _rage. "Unbelievable, inconsiderate, suicidal…!"_ The human-reindeer's words trailed off into unintelligible grumbling as he marched up to Luffy and grabbed the back of his collar. He then shot a dour glare around the deck. " _If you'll excuse me, I'm going retire to the kitchen for a bit so as to guarantee that this_ ignoramus!" He emphasized the word with a thoroughly ineffective smack to Luffy's temple. " _Doesn't keel over at age 50 due to_ _ **artificial MUSCLE ATROPHY!"**_

Nobody dared halt the doctor as he marched up the stairs, flung Luffy into the kitchen and _slammed_ the door shut behind him.

Soundbite blinked in surprise before giving me a hesitant glance. " _Should we_ _ **SAVE HIM?"**_

I shook my head with an exasperated sigh. "No, no, best we leave them be. Luffy might suffer in the short-term, but Chopper _is_ essentially working to save him from, well, himself." I clapped my hands as I decided that it'd be better for my sanity to _not_ dwell on whatever unholy procedures Chopper was performing. "Right then, next up is…" I frowned as I realized who I had turned to. "Vivi. I meant to ask you after we were through with Eneru, but things got kinda hectic so I forgot until now with Aokiji, so I'll ask before I forget: that necklace you're wearing, what—?"

"OH, MY, LOOK AT THE TIME!" Vivi yelped desperately before I could get another word out, sweat cascading down her face as she plastered a _very_ rictus grin on. She then vaulted onto Carue's back and clutched his reins in a white-knuckled grip. "In all the excitement, I _almost_ forgot that I'd been meaning to run some laps with Carue, for practice! Well, no time like the present! Come on Carue, let's go, once around the island, chop chop!"

"Hey, now, wait a—!"

_WHOOSH!_

"Minute…" I trailed off slowly as I turned my head to stare after the dust cloud that was fast approaching the horizon. "…Wow."

"DAT DUCK CAN _**MOVE!"**_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Tell me about it…" I grumbled darkly before giving Soundbite a searching glance. "By the way, is there any chance that she—?"

" _Sorry, nada."_ Soundbite shook his head in denial. " **Most I've GOTTEN IS THE** _ **word**_ ' _SIROCCO'…_ _ **ALTHOUGH…"**_

I glanced at him curiously. "What?"

"EH…" He nodded his head side to side. " _I think that I heard a_ _ **voice coming from**_ **IT? DON'T THINK IT WAS alive though, so…"**

"Huh…" I mulled that over for a second before shaking my head. "Well, either way, if she doesn't want to share I suppose that's just her prerogative. I'll drop it… for now, anyway." I moved on to Conis. "Alright, now for you, our resident angel of firepower. Given how you've been toting that Burn Bazooka around all day without so much as breaking a sweat, I'm guessing it's safe to assume that you don't find it's weight to be in any way daunting?"

Conis shifted her bazooka around on her back for a moment before nodding confidently. "Yes, that sounds about right. Thanks to all the strength from the extra oxygen, it barely feels like I'm carrying anything."

"Then I say it's high time we change that," I said, smacking my fist into my palm. "Seeing as you can carry that behemoth around no problem, then you can easily carry around a bunch of its cousins at the same time. Your goal is to find out just how firepower you can comfortably strap to yourself at once; trust me, if you think talking softly and carrying a big gun equals being a badass, that's easily trumped by being a walking arsenal."

"Can do!" the angel saluted eagerly.

"Su, make sure she doesn't somehow _over_ load and become _in_ effective."

"I will try, but I make no promises!" Su swiped her tail up to her forehead in a salute.

"Hey!"

"Remember the macaroni incident?"

"YOU SWORE TO NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN! Though I suppose I do see your point. _So much cheese…"_

I shuddered slightly as I watched the usually serene woman devolve into a fit of horrified twitching before electing to move along. "And Boss!" I pointed at the martial artist confidently for a moment before slowly lowering my finger. "I… am afraid that I have nothing for you or your students…"

"Eh," Boss shrugged indifferently. "You've given us more than enough to work on already." He pumped his fist with a grin. "We'll just have to do the rest ourselves! Right, boys?"

"AYE, BOSS!" his students concurred.

"Well, then, in that case…" I clapped my hands and nodded. "That's it! Everyone go right ahead and get to it!"

"Hang on a second, Cross," Nami interjected. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"

"Eh?" I blinked at her in confusion. "No, I was just leaving that up to you. I don't have anything to suggest until Usopp's got the Clima-Tact ready, so—"

Nami cut me off by rapping her knuckles on my forehead with a flat look. "I meant _you_ , dumb-dumb. You've told everyone else what they should do to get stronger, but what are _you_ going to do in the meantime?"

I felt a cold sweat begin to drip down my forehead as I suddenly realized I _hadn't_ thought of something for me to do, and that meant someone was going to 'volunteer' me to work with them. And in all honesty, _that_ was likely to end with me in a _motherload_ of pain.

"I-I, uh…" I stammered intelligently.

"Mikey, Donny," Boss thankfully interrupted. "Go help Cross out. Sobek knows he needs it."

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" both dugongs barked, saluting.

I swallowed nervously at their enthusiasm and promptly shot a pleading look at Usopp. " _Please_ tell me that you managed to finish whatever upgrades you planned to make to my baton."

"Ah…" Usopp hesitated for a moment before nodding nervously. "Maybe yes? Fair warning, I'm not entirely confident about its build, so—!"

"I'm about to fight two _Kung-Fu_ Dugongs, see how much I care!" I growled desperately.

Usopp glanced at the two amphibians, who were tapping their weapons in their palms before shuddering in terror. "Point taken." The sniper-tinkerer drew a metal cylinder out of his bag and tossed it to me. "Just be careful, it's still kind of—!"

I caught the cylinder in mid-air—

_ZAP!_

And promptly found myself flat on my back, coughing up a hefty cloud of smoke. "Ow…"

" **NOT** _ **fun!"**_ Soundbite whined.

"…sensitive," Usopp winced sympathetically as he stood over me, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry, those Thunder Dials are really tricky. Guess there are still a few bugs to work out, huh?"

"The appropriate phrase here…" I wheezed out as I shakily extended my arm skyward, my baton held delicately between my fingertips. "Would be 'no doi'."

Usopp took the collapsed weapon back with a pair of insulated pliers he'd pulled from his bag. "I'll just, ah, try and work them out then, huh?"

"Yeah," I winced as I coughed up another lungful of smoke. "You do that…"

"Nice dance, Cross," Su snickered. "Real fancy footwork!"

"Go get your tail charred off, puff-ball…" I snarled as I slowly crawled to my feet, shaking my head in order to dislodge the stars swirling in it. "So, uh, how are we doing this exactly?"

Donny jabbed a flipper over his shoulder, pointing towards the shore. "This way."

I gave him a shaky thumbs-up. "You got it. Just gimme a bit to get my armor on, I'm going to need all the protection I can get."

"Yeah, sure thing, we'll be waiting," Donny waved his flipper flippantly as he and Mikey leapt over the edge of the ship.

I waited for a moment before shooting a glare at Nami. "You realize that they are going to absolutely tenderize me, right?"

Nami hummed to herself, tapping a finger on her lips. "I suppose I _could_ tell you that this is for your own good. That I care about you, and that I want to see you get stronger so that I don't have to worry about you so much. I could also tell you that I think you can teach those dugongs as much as they teach you, or even that this is a matter of solidarity, with all of us getting steadily stronger and that I don't want you left behind."

I saw _this_ punch line coming a mile away. "Aaaand in reality?"

She patted my shoulder comfortingly as she sported a winning smile. "Try and grow a spine and some thicker skin, you weak-ass piece of putty."

"…Alright, while most of that is par for the course… thicker skin? Don't you think that if there was a way to do that, I'd jump on it?" I asked dryly, holding an arm up at eye-level.

The blood drained from Nami's face as she gaped at my limb before she swallowed heavily. "… Okay, I suppose I could have worded… that…" She trailed off before giving me a flat look. "Considering how you always tell Lassoo that dog insults were fine before he joined the crew, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you're screwing with me?"

"Atta girl," I chuckled, slapping her back as I moved past her to where my armor was laid out.

As I pulled on the pieces, I thought about how different it felt. The sleeves fit like… well, like a glove, and the metal on the outside moved just as the sleeves did. It was a bit more comfortable than the last set I had, but I could feel that it was a lot tougher this time, too; the sheer extra weight of the things attested to _that._ In addition, the Kevlar-grade material on the inside coupled with Usopp's whatever-the-hell metal on the outside made sure that I wouldn't have to worry about any pain getting through the bandages. To cap it all off, the armor was sealed on just as tightly as my previous iteration, with the elbow and knee guards doing an expert job of hiding the unlatching mechanisms.

I rolled my arms and took a few practice steps to re-acclimate myself to the weight of the armor, although it soon became clear that I wasn't so much re-acclimating as I was flat-out acclimating. After all, the difference in size combined with the fact that it was around twice as heavy as the old armor was making this seem less like an upgrade and more like what it actually was: a completely new set of armor that I'd have to grow used to all over again. And it wasn't going to be as easy as I'd hoped, either.

I threw out a few practice punches and swung my leg up so that I could lash out a Spartan Kick.

I grinned in satisfaction.

"Perfect," I announced before glancing over at Usopp, one of my gauntlets held up so that the palm was facing him. "So, how do I…?"

"Hey, don't point it at me, that's the Flash one!" the sniper said, hastily covering his eyes. "But just flexing your palm should be enough. Whole hand, to prevent misfires."

I eyed my left hand—my Flash Gauntlet— for a moment before flipping its palm down and firmly flexing the bottoms of my knuckles. I was _extremely_ happy to see light strobing on the ground. "Ooooh, yeah, this is gonna be useful…" I then glanced over at Lassoo as he chose that moment to get up and shake himself off. "Well, I'm almost completely loaded down anyway. Whaddaya say, Lassoo, wanna help me give them our best?"

The dog-gun yawned jaw-crackingly wide before giving me an apologetic shrug. "Sorry, Cross, no can do." He jerked his head over at Conis. "I've got an appointment with our resident iron-jock-strapped angel here for an upgrade." He leered eagerly, tongues of flame licking out from between his fangs. "I want me a piece of that firepower she was tossing around earlier!"

In spite of the fact that I was going to be left without my heaviest artillery at my back, I couldn't help but chuckle. "Alright, go on, then."

Tail wagging excitedly, he bounded over to Conis, and I exchanged glances with an eager-looking Soundbite before jogging over to the railing and jumping down to the shore. I was _very_ pleased when I found that it didn't hurt in the least.

A few scant feet before me, Donny and Mikey stood on opposite ends of the Merry, the former twirling his staff with quiet but ill-disguised eagerness, and the latter practically bursting with belligerent excitement.

"Alright, then," I nodded as I started walking forward, stretching my arms back and forth as I went. "So, are there any rules here? Any limitations, any holds barred, is there a starting sig—" I cut myself off mid-sentence, leaping forwards and swinging my leg at Mikey.

Said leg was promptly caught by the chains of the nunchuck the dugong snapped taut and held at bay without even a hint of worry from him.

Mikey stared blandly at the sole of my greave for a moment before cocking an eyebrow at me. "Did you _honestly_ expect that to work?"

I shrugged in an innocent manner. "Not really, but I had to try."

"Well, I guess the first lesson is in situational awareness," the dugong replied.

I frowned. "Situational awareness? What—"

" **BEHIND!"** Soundbite suddenly yelped.

I didn't even need to look to guess what Soundbite was referring to, and most likely any other person would have ducked down to avoid what was coming, but seeing as I wasn't one for conventional solutions, I instead chose to leap _forwards,_ using the chain of Mikey's weapon to vault over him. I'd have gone for a boot to the head in the process, but he rolled under me before I got the chance, leaving me to land in a roll and turn to face my opponents.

"Hmm, not bad," Donny hummed, twirling his bo staff as he landed, Mikey popping up beside him. "You and Soundbite really do form a good team. Okay, we'll do this the normal way."

Both dugongs snapped their weapons up into ready stances, a palpable aura of menace rising around them.

" _Defend yourself."_

"GASTRO-FLASH!" I immediately shouted, pointing the Flash Gauntlet in front of me, Soundbite chiming in with an ear-piercing shriek. Mikey stumbled and fell to the ground with a cry of pain while Donny kept going. Apparently _one_ of them had the foresight to plug their shells with wax.

I threw up an arm to block the bo staff as it descended, then hastily moved my other arm up when the dugong seamlessly moved into another strike. And then another strike came and was blocked. And another. I backpedalled furiously, barely blocking the strikes from the bo staff—but the fact of the matter was that I was _actually blocking them_. And every other block built up a little more energy…

I caught another overhead strike, and instead of blocking the follow-up I tried to meet it with my palm. The Impact Dial rang out, rattling the air in front of me, and Donny only barely managed to pull back his staff before it shattered. We each paused, me panting slightly and Donny not winded in the slightest. And just to make matters even _more_ fun, the staff-wielder was swiftly joined by Mikey jumping to his side, eyes narrowed and bloodshot but still full of raw energy.

We maintained our deadlock for a few moments, until the dugongs acted on an unspoken signal and suddenly _moved._

Mikey immediately shot towards me, while Donny veered off to the left. He was going to go behind me again, I just knew it, but with Mikey up in my face I wasn't able to do much about it. Where Donny was almost like a dancer, flowing from attack to attack with almost water-like fluidity, Mikey was straightforward, brutal smashing. Or, to put it another way, Donny actually had grace and strategy, while Mikey had adapted hack-and-slash to his nunchucks.

Once again I found myself on the defensive, and I kept a count in my head as the blows rained on my right arm. Not to let off the Impact Dial again. I doubted they'd let me do that. No, it was for something else…

" **BEHIND!"**

I was ducking even before Soundbite barked out a warning. Unfortunately, that didn't do much good as Donny had gone low with his attack this time. Fortunately, as I was squatting down, I was only lightly knocked onto my side rather than sent tumbling. I grinned as an idea came to me, and I planted my right palm on the ground.

" _Impact."_

With a loud bang, the Impact Dial discharged, spraying dirt and grass everywhere.

"Ackpft!"

Including into my face. Not my brightest idea, but it did get the dugongs to back off and snap their guards up, and that was precisely what I'd been going for. I quickly sprang to my feet and charged at the first dugong I saw, who turned out to be Mikey. After all, I couldn't stay on the defensive forever and the best way to flip the script would be to take out _their_ primary enforcer first.

I did _not_ count on Mikey wrapping up my punch in the chains of his nunchucks and flipping me off my feet.

I don't know if it was design or by accident—probably a bit of both—but as I sailed through the air, I managed to position my foot _just_ right so that it clocked Mikey upside the head. Of course, he had that big turtle shell protecting him, but a nice and heavy armored boot connecting with his skull still dazed him a bit. Of course, I also got the wind knocked out of me upon hitting the ground, so I think we came off even in that exchange.

As I caught my breath, I felt Soundbite desperately chomp on my shoulder. I glanced up and hastily threw up my armored palm to catch Donny's staff, something I felt even through the layers of protection. My foot came up to try and meet his soft underbelly, but he put his muscular tail in the way—and in doing so, forgot about my second trick of the fight.

"GASTRO-FLASH!"

Wax or not, non-sight combat senses or not, getting a spotlight to the face _hurts_. More than that, the instinct to cover your eyes is both universal and very difficult to overcome, as amply demonstrated by Dragon Ball Z. With the pressure on my arms gone, I raised my other foot and managed to nail Donny clean in his face, throwing him off of me and leaving him reeling. I breathed a sigh of relief and began to stand up—

" **INCOMING!"**

This time the warning _wasn't_ in time. Mikey's nunchucks hit me right between the shoulder blades. I let the blow knock me forward onto my hands, and shot my foot back in a mule-kick. It didn't hit anything, but it did force him to dodge back a bit before leaping at me again, giving me long enough to spin around—

"IMPACT!"

And slam my right gauntlet into his gut as I activated its mechanism.

"GAGH!" he cried out, flailing slightly as he tumbled on the ground. I immediately took the opportunity, diving onto the downed dugong. It wasn't any kind of formal move, closer to just kneeling on him, but I was over double his weight and size, so it worked. I punched the ground, to get as much charge as I could into the Impact Dial, and moved the gauntlet into position—

Aaaaand promptly froze when I felt a weight land on my back and wood knock against the back of my skull.

All four of us stayed frozen for a few seconds until I slowly raised my Flash gauntlet up where Donny could see it, pointedly keeping the palm facing _away_ from him. "Truce?"

Donny was silent for a moment before removing his staff from my neck and hopping off. "I can live with that."

"Ooooowww," Mikey whined as he wiggled on the ground, clutching his belly miserably. "Damn it dude, that _huuuurt…"_

"Oh, you have _no_ right to talk, Chuck-boy!" I winced as I twisted my torso back and forth, causing the spot where he'd managed to slam me to flare up painfully. "Freaking _hell,_ those things hurt like heck!"

"You kicked me in the head and hit me with the pure force of Donny's staff!" the orange-bandanna-wearer moaned. "That does _not_ compare to one nunchuk-blow!"

"Guys, guys," Donny cut in, coming between us with his flippers raised placatingly. "You're _both_ babies, can we move on now?"

"HEY! _I'm a_ _ **baby,**_ **TOO!"**

We all spared Soundbite a flat look, which he responded to with a wide grin.

"… Fine, moving on," I ultimately conceded. "So, any advice you two can give me?"

"Well, for starters… you're an instinctive fighter, Cross," Donny explained.

"Basically, that means you can lash out like a freaking maniac without thinking and _not_ automatically get your ass handed to you," Mikey provided.

Donny glared at his fellow student and opened his mouth before trailing off and cocking his head to the side. "Alright, so he's not entirely wrong. The gist of it is that what you do is brawling with some sense to it, which Zoro told Boss and Boss told us was apparently what you're going for, and you're damn good at it too. As for training options, well…" He shrugged helplessly. "There aren't really any formal ones. The best way to train what you do is to just let you go ahead and _fight_. Trial and error, and all that, let you work out all the kinks in your strategies for yourself."

I nodded thoughtfully as I processed that explanation. "Works for me…" I trailed off before looking at the snail on my shoulder. "Ah, by the way, Soundbite? You need to be a _bit—"_

"S _ay_ _ **faster. I DARE**_ YOU."

"No, no, your speed was fine!" I waved him down placatingly. "I was going to say _specific._ Just saying behind doesn't mean jack when an attack can come from high or low as well."

Soundbite frowned, but nodded. " _I'll_ _ **keep that**_ **in mind."**

"Well, if we're done here, I'm going to get back to trying out more of our new arsenal," Mikey grinned eagerly, heading back towards the Merry.

"And if Nami's done with Usopp, I should probably see how far her bojutsu has progressed," Donny added, following his fellow student.

I was about to go find Lassoo when I remembered that I had something to deal with on the ship as well. Sighing, I began trudging back towards it.

" _What's_ _ **wrong?**_ WE DIDN'T _**DO**_ **THAT badly,"** Soundbite said curiously.

"It's not that, Soundbite. It's about something far more serious." I shook my head grimly as I climbed back aboard the Merry. "Do me a favor, will you? Any snide remarks you feel like sharing during the coming conversation? Try and keep them to yourself unless they're constructive. This… is going to be delicate."

Soundbite seemed to shrink in on himself in apprehension; I guess he'd seen me this kind of serious enough now that he was worried about what was coming next. Probably like how I was. I climbed to the top of the Merry where Usopp had established his makeshift factory, where I saw him tinkering with the Eisen Dial's control apparatus alongside a blue rod that was splayed open and was starting to take on a very familiar form. He glanced up as he heard my approach and promptly rolled his eyes. "Look, Cross, I'm sorry about the baton, but with your armor finished, Nami won't be happy if I don't make her upgrade priority one, so—"

"This isn't about that, Usopp," I interrupted. "I could give a damn about getting shocked. I'm here about the stability of the crew."

Usopp choked off in shock and turned to fully face me.

I glanced at Soundbite and spun my finger in the air, waiting for the telltale buzz before continuing. "Usopp, this is very serious: how are you feeling after that meeting with Aokiji?"

The sniper's expression instantly darkened with doubt, and it took a few second for him to work up his nerve to reply. "…I… I remember what you said after Drum Island, Cross," he muttered morosely. "That I'd always be the weakest on the crew. At first I was alright with things because of how you said that I was the weakest out of the world's strongest crew. And it really worked too…" He ground his teeth. "Until now, anyway. It's just… if the Monster Trio and Boss were beaten in one shot like that, what good am I going to do against opponents like—"

" _Usopp,_ " I cut in sharply and with more than a little desperation, causing him to snap out of his thoughts. "All of us on the crew are meant to do what we can. Nothing more, and nothing less. I'm the crew's tactician, so my training in brawling is so that I can handle _mooks,_ not full-blown officers or captains. You're a _sniper_ , not a front line fighter; if anything, you're _supposed_ to be as far from the fight as possible, so that you have a better chance attacking opponents nobody else possibly can."

Usopp's expression barely lightened, and he sighed. "Cross… I know I'm stronger than I normally ever would have been at this point without you. And obviously, all the extra upgrades and weapon designs I've been doing have made it clear that I play a key role in helping the crew's weaker members. But still…" He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "If we're going to be up against monsters like Aokiji… I just want to make sure I live up to the crew, you know?"

I sighed in undisguised relief. I could work with this. "So… what you're saying is that you're just disappointed because you don't feel like you're living up to the name of the crew?"

Usopp started to nod his head before pausing and slowly shooting a suspicious glance my way. "Yeah… but why do you ask?"

I froze as I realized that I'd just overplayed my hand. "I… it's nothing, Usopp, just getting some ducks in—"

" _What is it,_ Cross?" he pressed, serious as the grave.

I grimaced as I thought things over before mustering my nerve and giving Usopp an equally serious look. "Usopp… do you trust me?"

My question caught the long-nose off-guard. "Huh? What are you—?"

"Answer the question," I repeated.

"Yes, yes, I trust you, geeze! What's this got to do with—!"

"Usopp," I interrupted again. "I realize that I might have played this card to death and back when I joined the crew, but I am playing it now in _full_ confidence: you are better off not knowing."

"What!?" Usopp squawked indignantly. "Cross, this _obviously_ concerns me, I have a right—!"

"You have the right to know, but that does not mean that it is in your best interests," I flatly interrupted. "If you have any measure of trust in me, then you will listen to my words and heed them: that possible path in life is dead and buried in the ground, where, if I have any say in the matter, it will remain until the end of time, forever unseen and unheard. You. Are better off. _Not knowing it."_ I softened my expression, putting as much pleading desperation into it as I could manage. "So, please… don't ask again?"

Usopp hesitated for a second before sighing and hanging his head. "Alright, Cross. If you say so."

I let out a whoosh of relief as I clapped Usopp on the shoulder. "Great, thanks! Well, seeing as that's… everything…" I paused in my exit before slowly turning back to Usopp. "Actually… one more thing. Just… want some advice to help with your confidence?"

"Uh…" Usopp thought it over before nodding tentatively. "Yeah, why not. Couldn't hurt, I guess."

"Great! Now then, first things' first. Tell me this, Usopp: do you think you're a good liar?"

"Wha—? I _know_ that I'm a good liar!"

"Then how about this: if all else fails in inspiring your confidence, why not try lying to yourself? Now, now!" I held a hand up when Usopp started to protest. "Hear me out! Look, when you get scared or feel like running, why not just try… I dunno, convincing _yourself_ that you actually have the willpower you need to fight and win? Practice that enough and eventually you'll believe it so much that it's actually true! Genius, no?"

Usopp blinked several times as he processed that, cupping his chin in thought. "…You know, that's crazy enough that it just might—"

" _LOOK_ **out!"** Soundbite suddenly hollered.

Moments later, we heard the sound of a door slamming open, followed shortly by Chopper, still clearly in the throes of the Madness Place.

" _ **ALRIGHT, I'M DONE WITH THIS IDIOT! DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH HIM!"**_

The two of us quickly rushed to the edge of the Merry's top, just in time to see Luffy arc off the Merry, wafting gracefully through the air before slamming to the ground in a shower of dirt and grass. Amazingly, he stayed asleep through the whole ordeal.

Well, at least, until a small syringe-dart… well, darted off the ship and hit Luffy in the seat of his pants. Two seconds of stillness. Just two. And then—

"WOOHOO!"

Luffy shot up and started rocketing around the plain like a rubbery bat out of Impel Down, the syringe falling out immediately. And what followed was proof that giving Luffy too much caffeine or sugar was only to be done if we were going to use him as a weapon.

"I THINK _he may have_ _ **mastered**_ **SHAVING,"** Soundbite groaned dizzily, his eyestalks spinning uncontrollably. And honestly, considering the numerous footfalls and dust trails that were crisscrossing the plain and the air above it, along with dialogue that sounded almost Alvin, Simon, and Theodore-grade levels of fast and squeaky, I couldn't blame him. It also almost made me ask Chopper to make more of whatever the hell that had been for combat use.

Almost.

After a few seconds, I turned my head to look at Usopp. "You want some practice hitting a moving target?" I deadpanned.

"I acknowledge that I am good at my field, Cross," Usopp deadpanned right back. "But I am _nowhere_ near that good."

"Fair 'nuff."

Shouts arose from the island as Luffy tore through everyone's training sessions in his stimulant-induced rampage, none more angry than Zoro and Sanji. The second I heard those particularly irate voices, I immediately hid behind the scant protection of the Merry's railing as I realized what was coming.

"Uh, Cross, what are you—?" Usopp began, before being interrupted by two-thirds of the Monster Trio.

" _ **LUFFY!"**_

"Nice place you got here," Usopp commented as he huddled alongside me.

"Make yourself right at home," I invited right back.

After a few seconds of no explosion, we both poked our heads out from behind the railing. We almost immediately regretted it; I could see faces and arms flickering in and out on Zoro's sides, and Sanji's right foot was dragging along the ground, wafting up smoke. Luffy had stopped bounding around like a chipmunk on crack, and seemed to be almost appraising the threat.

And then they _moved_. The resulting clash promptly threw up a massive cloud of dust, streaked with fire and practically spitting razor-sharp winds. The din echoing out was devoid of grunts of pain… then, after a solid minute, we saw Luffy soar above it, his mouth bit down on his hand and his body already bulging.

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy shouted, audible even over the roar of the clash below. I gaped in awe, completely forgetting to take cover. _This_ is what I had signed up for.

"GIANT PISTOL!"

Luffy's fist impacted the shore under the dust cloud with an almighty crash, and the hard-packed soil and the rock below simply _disintegrated_. And rather than add to the existing dust cloud, it blew it away entirely. I caught a glimpse of red on Sanji's foot and nine swords rather than three, before the last of the dust cleared and I got a glimpse of where Luffy had hit, distracting me from all else.

It was as if a giant had stomped on the spot—which was basically what happened. A fist-shaped chunk of coast was simply _gone_ , as if it had never been there. And right next to it, shrunken to a foot tall, was Luffy. The contrast was so ridiculous that it triggered… something within me.

"Pff—"

"WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP AND LAUGH ALREADY!?" Nami screamed at me.

Well, who was I to deny a lady her wishes?

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE THIS CREW SO MUCH! PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ahhh, it was _good_ to be back.

**-o-**

A few hours later, we decided that we'd gotten as much as we could out of staying moored to Long Ring Long. Soon enough, we'd packed up what little of our supplies we'd unpacked, gotten everyone aboard and weighed anchor, following the course the Log set for us to reach the next stop on our journey.

As we set off on this new voyage, Nami, Zoro and I stood side-by-side on the railing, staring at the sunset.

"So," Zoro started solemnly. "We've suffered our first complete defeat as a crew, and it pushed us far enough that Luffy decided to revoke any limits on spoilers as long as it could make us stronger. And you said that this is the _start_ of the hardest leg we're going through?"

"Aokiji was a hopeless fight, and we won't be finding another one of those anytime soon," I confirmed solemnly before allowing myself a slight grimace. "But the fights that we _will_ find are going to push us farther than Alabasta. This extra training will help, I'm sure, but…" I hung my head with a sigh. "Well, suffice to say… buckle up."

Nami glanced between us for a moment before groaning in frustration and turning around to stride back towards the cabin, but as she walked, I didn't miss the last words she muttered beneath her breath.

" _God,_ I need a vacation."

**Cross-Brain AN: Here's something unheard of for** _**This Bites!** _ **: a preview of the next chapter!**

" _Wow, it is a map, of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"_

" _Not me."_

" _Nope."_

" _Never heard of it."_

" _What about the letter that came with it?"_

" _Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what is says:_

" **If you are a pirate among pirates…"**

_**A Resort with a Twisted Secret…** _

"I DON'T KNOW _HOW TO PUT IT, BUT…_ _ **I DUNNO,**_ **something just sounds** … _**off**_ **. GOOD OR BAD,** _I don't…_ _ **this place is weird.**_ "

" **Among pirates…"**

_**A Vile Demon Hidden in Plain Sight…** _

" _A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…"_

" **Among pirates…"**

_**A Pitiful Man With a Terrible Past…** _

" _Every single one of those arrows symbolizes a day of loneliness I endured after that storm. They are the number of the regrets I have suffered at suddenly losing every one of my beloved crewmates. Have you had a glimpse of what I've endured?_ "

" **Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…"**

_**Doubt Turns to Conflict, Conflict Turns to Hate, Hate Turns to Madness…** _

" _HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE!_ GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"

" **And set sail for our island."**

_**And All the World Made to Bear Witness** _

"LUUUUUUUFFYYYYYYY!"

" **The name of the island is…"**

_**The Island that Nobody Leaves…** _

"How… **how could** _ **this happen?**_ _WHAT HAPPENED_ TO MY _**FRIENDS?!"**_

**OMATSURI ISLAND.**

" _Wow, this place sounds like fun!"_

" _Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"_

" _Hmm… I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… ah, no, wait a second! Yeah, now I remember! I saw a poster for—ah… for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it so I've got no clue what to expect, buuut the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colorful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion?"_

" _Tell me_ **this is** _ **just a NIGHTMARE.**_ **SOMEONE** WAKE ME UP!"

" _ **I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."**_

**Cross-Brain AN: All of a sudden, that ending turned into a devastating cliffhanger. And for those of you who don't get how, well… clearly, you've never seen the darkest tale ever to bear the name of One Piece:** _**Baron Omatsuri and the Secret Island.** _

**Patient AN: It's high time that we got to include a bit of horror in this story, and so we shall… at the stroke of midnight next Sunday. Don't hold it against us…** _**you don't know what we've been through…** _

**Hornet AN: Are you ready?**

**Xomniac AN: Sleep tight, readers…** _**don't let the flowers bite.** _


	5. Chapter 5

### Chapter 38: Omatsuri Island

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is our take on one of the most…** _ **iconic**_ **tales ever created in the main** _ **One Piece**_ **media. Those of you with weak constitutions may want to skip this chapter.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Still here?** _ **MARVELOUS.**_ **We hope you enjoy the SBS Horror Show, and yes, it is** _ **exactly**_ **as bad as it sounds. Good luck getting to sleep tonight…** _ **you'll need it…**_

"Huh? What the—? Hey, guys!"

"What is it, Luffy?"

"Check it out, I found a bottle in the water, and there's something inside it!"

"Really? Cool! What is it?"

"Here, lemme see! Huh, looks like a map, a letter, and… an Eternal Pose? Wonder how they managed that. Hey, Leo, mind cutting it open?"

_SHINK!_

"Thanks!"

"Wow, it _is_ a map, of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"

"Not me."

"Nope."

"Never heard of it."

"What about the letter that came with it?"

"Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what it says:

**If you are a pirate among pirates…**

**Among pirates…**

**Among pirates…**

**Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…**

**And set sail for our island.**

**The name of the island is…**

**OMATSURI ISLAND."**

"Wow, this place sounds like fun!"

"Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"

"Hmm... I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… ah, no, wait a second! Yeah, _now_ I remember! I saw a poster for— _ah…_ for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it so I've got no clue _what_ to expect, but the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colorful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion? I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."

" _Well, in all fairness,_ OMATSURI _DOES MEAN_ _ **FESTIVAL!"**_

"It all sounds too good! It's a trap, I know it!"

"Well, now, hold on, let's withhold judgement for a bit, hm? Does that letter say anything else?"

"Ah… yeah, it does, let me read the rest. 'Omatsuri Island is the Grand Line's only pleasure island resort. As its name implies, every day is a festival. You will also enjoy our many spas and beauty salons.'"

"Oooh… it _has_ been awhile since I've had a nice… _anything_ in that line of treatment…"

"'Your nightlife will be filled with beauties from around the world and a selection of fine beverages.'"

"Beauties? It must be a wonderful island!"

"'Dinner will be a full course of exquisite cuisines.'"

"Hmph… I suppose my interest is a _little_ piqued…"

"'Our wildlife preserve features all the amazing sights that nature can provide.'"

"Oh, now that sounds inviting, don't you think, Su?"

"After a Marine Base and a godforsaken prairie? Either I get a nice and wild locale or I get pissy!"

"'Our dojo is home to many retired masters of weapons that are always up for a new challenge.'"

"Hmph! An excellent opportunity! Is not clashing with those who have already learned all that the weapons have to teach them, the better to improve one's own craft… a Man's Romance?"

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"This sounds perfect!"

"It's a trap, I tell you!"

"Oh, who cares if it's a trap? Worst comes to worst, we kick their teeth in, loot their treasure rooms and come away even _richer!_ For however much that's worth, anyway, considering all the gold we're hauling!"

" _We'll make room…_ but no need to assume the worst!"

"And why not? When have things ever _not_ gone horribly wrong?"

"Ya know, he hath a pwetty good point, thewe…"

"Captain, what do you think?…Luffy?…HEY, LUFFY, ARE YOU LISTENING?!"

"…Read the first part again."

"Huh? Oh, okay…'If you are a pirate among pirates among pirates among pirates, then gather your steadfast crew of companions and set sail for our island.'"

"Alright! I've decided. We head for Omatsuri Island! The reason, of course, is that we're pirates!"

"Tsk, should have seen that coming…"

"Do you really have no commentary, Mis—Cross?"

"Hm? Oh, nah, I've only heard the name of the place in passing, I don't know anything about it. We must have just gotten lucky! Personally, I'm with the captain! I mean, sure, this thing screams honeypot and pirate flytrap out the wailing wazoo, but who the heck cares? We're the Straw Hat Pirates! I mean…

.

.

.

_What's the worst that could happen?"_

**-o-**

It was as peaceful a day as there ever was in the hidden city of Zou, built on the back of the perpetually wandering titanic elephant Zunisha. The inhabitants, the Mink Tribe, were fearsome warriors, yet kind and gentle to any who they knew as friends. Yet aside from bonds forged long ago, it was rare for them to have more acquaintance with any outside of their wandering island than the occasional Mink that left, to end up either joining another's crew… or face the hellish reality of slavery. 700,000 beri for a Mink. Perhaps that's one reason why they engaged in such isolation, and the race as a whole had little to no contact with the outside world.

Or at least, that _was_ the case, until…

" _Don don don don!"_

"Hold everything! It's time for the SBS!" barked Duke Inuarashi. All of the Minks followed his example, moving towards the well-secured canopy where their seldom-used Transponder Snail dwelled, safe from the salt water of Zunisha's daily baths. An agile rabbit-like Mink moved into the chamber where the snail dwelled, and after removing the receiver, all present quieted to listen.

Indeed, the first day that Zou had heard their Transponder Snail making such a sound, it drew the attention of nearly everyone on the island, whether day-dwelling or night-dwelling; the only ones who had the number of their snail would only call in the event of something bad. 'Bad' in this case meaning something along the lines of being in the middle of a losing war. It brought no small amount of relief and confusion when the Minks instead heard the voice of a pirate that they had never heard of, but the tale spun on that very first broadcast drew feelings of empathy from everyone who heard it, and since then they had never missed a broadcast. The messages it broadcast, whether thrilling, horrifying, comedic, or just flat-out strange, were the first thing in years that could make the two Dukes of the island stay awake and tolerate each other simultaneously.

" _And five, and six, and seven, and eight… hmm-hmm-hmm… alright, that'll do it. Hello, everyone! Jeremiah Cross here, and welcome back to the SBS!"_

Silence fell immediately on both ends.

"… _Huh. Hey, Soundbite, not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't you have interrupted me?"_

" _Yeah_ , _I SHOULD'VE_ … _**but this**_ **island THREW ME** FOR A LOOP."

" _What do you mean?"_

"I DON'T KNOW _HOW TO PUT IT, BUT..._ _ **I DUNNO,**_ **something just sounds** … _**off**_ **. GOOD OR BAD,** _I don't…_ _ **this place is weird.**_ "

"This is troubling…" Duke Nekomamushi murmured as Cross gave the vocal equivalent of a shrug.

" _Well, I guess that's not too unexpected. You see, gentle viewers—and combative ones—we were sailing on our merry way to the next island, when a strange invitation came to us, inviting us to a resort, the name of which we will not reveal presently for the sake of our own safety. Now, of course, we do suspect that it's a trap, but we're confident that we can fight it off if it is. And if not… well, then consider this broadcast an advertisement for the glory of this island._ "

"What's a resort?" Carrot asked.

"I'll, ah, tell you when you're older, Carrot," Wanda hedged uncomfortably.

"…Wanda?"

"…Yes, Carrot?"

"You don't know what it is either, do you?"

Wanda sighed and slumped forwards. "No…"

Her depression was promptly forgotten in favor of trying to chase down the adolescent Mink the second she started laughing her fluffy cottontail-ed ass off.

**-o-**

"And here I thought he couldn't get any more annoying, but now he turns himself into a salesman," drawled a man in a feathery pink jacket, staring at the snail.

"Behehehehe! Still, Doffy, if he's right, it could be good for business!" a man clad in a cloak pointed out.

Donquixote Doflamingo grinned. "Good point, Trebol."

" _Buuut, right now we're sort of wondering if it was just a prank. I mean, the advertisement had a lot of flowers on the map, and I'm not seeing a single one of those, let alone any sign of civilization. Which is weird, considering how jungles usually_ have _flowers in them. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know. Still, it sounds like drumbeats are coming from deeper in the island, so here we are wandering through untamed foliage. Not the most exciting thing in the world, even for us._ "

"You don't say," Diamante said dryly.

" _I do say, I just did._ "

All four in the room jumped.

"… _And here's hoping that_ someone _in the world actually_ _said 'You don't say' in response to that._ "

Pica facepalmed, Diamante growled, and Trebol and Doflamingo both chuckled.

"OK, that was funny," Doflamingo admitted.

" _Wait a minute… is that—? …WOW."_

" _Beauty salons and spas~!"_ crooned the navigator's voice.

" _Exotic beauties~!"_ came the chef's voice.

" _Exquisite cuisines~!_ " cried the doctor's voice.

" _Amazing sights~!"_ chorused the gunner and her pet.

" _Challenging fights!"_ called the quintet of guards.

"Wow, they've got everything," Pica squeaked.

" _This is everything we'd hoped for!_ " several voices said in unison.

"Fuffuffuffuffu… this should be interesting," Doflamingo smirked.

**-o-**

Drumbeats echoed out of the speakers of the snail, and then came Sanji's voice again. " _Ah, the ladies~!"_ he sang. " _Come into my arms, my finely selected beauties—_ WHAT THE HELL?!"

" _Transvestites!"_

" _And they have leaves growing out of their heads!_ "

"Shurororororo! Better luck next time, loverboy!" cackled a horned scientist with a robe that looked to be made of gas. "But leaves sprouting from their heads? That's interesting—"

_KERBLOOEY!_

His musings came to an abrupt end as he snapped his attention back to his experiment, which had boiled over, burst the vessel it was in, and was now eroding the desk. Caesar initially seemed furious before looking thoughtful. "Hmm… so, doing that gives it more corrosive properties, interesting…"

**-o-**

" _Alright, so it looks like they weren't falsely advertising, this is_ definitely _a high-end resort. Yet to be seen if we'll actually get to go inside… ah, this must be the master of the island. You don't see people ride in on elephants very often._ "

"Yeah, why is that? That'd be cool!" Garp remarked.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO… oh, whatever, just pass me the damn crackers…" Sengoku sighed, shaking his head. "Trying to stop you just isn't worth the damn headache."

"… _Aaand it seems like plant decor is the thing here; everyone else has leaves on their head, and this guy has a flower on his shoulder. A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…_ "

" _ **The only flower we've seen thus far…"**_ the garbled voice of the Straw Hats' mystery crewmate mused.

" _Huh? Oh… well, now that you mention it, I can't see any in the town either…"_

" _A local custom to denote rank, maybe?"_ Vivi proposed.

" _ **Hm…"**_

" _Pirates!"_

Garp's head snapped up, an uncharacteristically serious frown on his face as he listened to the new voice that had bellowed out. "What the—?"

" _Courageous pirates who traverse the Grand Line!"_

" _Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!"_ came Luffy's excited voice.

Sengoku braced for yet another outburst from Garp for his grandson's antics, and was thus deeply surprised when Garp offered no reaction apart from a steely frown.

" _I congratulate you on making it to XXX Island! My name is Baron Omatsuri!"_

" _Baron Omatsuri?_ " the Straw Hats chorused.

"Why do I get the feeling he's not an _actual_ baron…" Sengoku started to roll his eyes before blinking in confusion when Garp got up and headed towards the door. "Huh? Where are you going?"

"The Archives…" the Hero of the Marines grumbled out. "Get Coby and Helmeppo down there as well. I need to check something."

**-o-**

" _Yes! I am your host, the master of this island!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"_ several of the Straw Hats sang.

"This sounds like quite the interesting island re-mi-fa-so~! If the next Reverie goes well, we will have to remember it ti-la-so~!" sang Prince Ryuboshi.

"And maybe even if things don't go well, mambo~!" Prince Manboshi twirled in agreement.

" _You have had a long and perilous journey. Please enjoy your well-deserved rest!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"_ the Straw Hats sang again.

" _Ah, is this normal?"_ Conis asked in confusion.

" _For us? Yes. For the rest of the Blue Seas…"_ Cross trailed off in a snicker.

" _You may enjoy yourself to your hearts' content!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!_ "

" _But before you do,_ " Omatsuri continued, his tone making it clear he was no longer smiling. " _You must undertake… the Ordeal of Hell!_ "

There was a moment of stunned silence before the sound of Cross chuckling came over the line. " _Now this, though? This is just plain typical, both for us, and the world in general!"_

" _I'm sorry I asked…"_

"Of course it was a trap after all," Prince Fukaboshi grumbled.

"Now, now, son," King Neptune rumbled. "I think it's natural that a resort that invites pirates would require _some_ form of effort, jamon. Earn your relaxation by passing a test, jamon."

"I… suppose you may have a point, Father," Fukaboshi eventually conceded.

"Besides, la-ti-do~!" Ryuboshi spun contentedly. "They're the Straw Hats! It's not like there's any test in the world that could hamper them fa-mi-re-do~!"

Fukaboshi chuckled and nodded slowly in agreement. "That too is true, yes..."

He then glanced down and away once the attention was off of him, a degree of nervousness entering his expression. ' _And yet…'_ he mused silently. ' _Knowing this, why do I still feel uneasy…'_

**-o-**

" _Uh… I have a question!"_ came the navigator's voice.

" _What is it?"_ Omatsuri asked.

" _The note said something about spas and beauty salons…"_

" _Spas?"_ Omatsuri repeated, confusion obvious in his voice.

"It would appear that I'm not the only Rip-Off artist in Paradise after all!" Shakky chuckled in amusement.

"Hm? Ah, yes, that's nice, dear…"

" _Beauties from all over the world with a selection of fine beverages…_ " Sanji said tentatively.

" _Beverages?"_ Omatsuri parroted, with the same tone of confusion.

"He hasn't heard of _beverages_?" Shakky deadpanned.

"I suppose so, dear…"

" _What about the exquisite cuisine?_ " Chopper posed.

" _There'd better be_ something _to eat…"_ Lassoo growled.

" _Exquisite cuisine… exquisite…?"_

"Okay, I'm starting to think that this guy is less a Rip-Off and more senile," Shakky flatly stated.

"If you say so, dear."

_That_ was too much for the bartender, and she snapped her attention over to her grievously distracted husband, who was seated at a table in the dining area proper, well away from her and the Transponder Snail. "Alright, I'll bite, what's got you so enraptured? Usually I can't pry you away from an SBS show with anything less than Haki and a crowbar!"

"Hm?" Raleigh blinked in confusion, glancing up from whatever it was he was looking at for the first time since the broadcast began. "Ah, well…"

Deciding that enough was enough, Shakky rose from her barstool, strode over to his side to look over his shoulder, and promptly blinked in confusion. "Your bounty scrapbook?" she questioned, fingering the numerous pages of laminated posters.

Raleigh frowned before nodding in agreement, returning his attention to the numerous faces and identities archived before him. "Yes… something about this baron. I need to confirm, but… call it a feeling."

Shakky glanced between him and the book for a moment before freezing as she noticed a detail she'd overlooked before. "Wait, these pages—!"

"Now you see why I'm so concerned," the Dark King nodded solemnly.

**-o-**

" _I suppose you haven't heard of retired master combatants or amazing wildlife either,_ " Cross snarked.

" _Master combatants? Look no further than my comrades, young man! And we do have a few examples of interesting wildlife… which you may observe should you pass the Ordeal of Hell!"_

"… _I'm not the only one who's underwhelmed, right?"_ Raphey eventually asked.

" _No,"_ three other voices chorused in agreement.

" _So much for an actual_ challenge…" Boss groused.

" _Well, at least there's something for me. Sorry, everyone…"_

" _There's plenty of Vearth to play on, so personally? I'm not!"_ Su laughed.

" _Well, if only for dear Conis and Su, I suppose we can stay…"_ Sanji trailed off.

" _Hey, old man! What's the Ordeal of Hell?_ " Luffy piped up.

" _The Ordeal of Hell is a test of strength! Countless many have failed to endure the task and fled barefoot from the island!"_ Omatsuri responded. " _If you do not have absolute trust in your crewmates, you would be well-advised to leave this island."_

"Sounds like Nami's in no danger, then," Hachi mused as he pushed around several pieces of octopus on his grill.

"You really think so, Hachi?" Caimie asked as she floated alongside Takoyaki 8.

"If it's a trial of trust? Then of course! No crew is more tightly knit than the Straw Hats!" The octopus fishman hid a wince as his collection of faded scars burned beneath his shirt. "I learned that the hard way…"

" _That sounds great! Don't be stupid, we accept your challenge!_ "

" _Luffy!"_ Nami scolded. " _We don't need to do this, there are all sorts of other places we can go for interesting wildlife for Conis! And there's nothing for the rest of us! We have no good reason to participate!"_

" _I know we don't have to, but I want to. Besides, whatever it is, you guys can handle it; I trust all of you!"_ Luffy said cheerfully.

" _Heh_. _Just like the_ _ **DAVY BACK FIGHT.**_ OUR CAPTAIN _**is**_ **such A SWEET TALKER when** _HE WANTS TO BE!"_

Hachi, Camie, and Pappug couldn't help but smile as one by one, the Straw Hats consented to undergo the challenge together.

" _So, you will all participate, then! Very well! Prepare the Ordeal of Hell!_ " Omatsuri commanded.

**-o-**

" _Wh-WHOA! OK, listeners, I'm wondering just how much of a ripoff this is, because the_ entire freaking landscape _is shifting around into an arena! I can't imagine how much work it was to make the whole island transform on command, but I'll be damned if this loony guy spared any expense!"_

" _Now, I will tell you what the Ordeal entails. The Ordeal is…"_ Omatsuri paused for dramatic effect, which was followed up by the sound of something large and mechanical rising, as well as the unmistakable sound of fireworks, applause, and cheers.

" _That big sign there… 'Kingyo-Sukui'?"_ Cross read.

" _ **That means**_ ' _Goldfish-Catching',_ " Soundbite deadpanned.

" _Excuse me for not being able to read romanized Kanji!"_

"…What," the Mysterious Four chorused.

"What a rip-off; not even _children_ would consider that hell!" Hildon complained as he shuffled around and refilled everyone's wine glasses… or mugs, as Absalom preferred.

"Speak for yourself…" Absalom growled as he flexed his fingers, drawing an affronted sputter from Doctor Hogback.

"For the love of—! For the last time, Absalom, if you want fine motor skills then I need to remove some layers of flesh from your hands! Otherwise there's just no room for the appropriate nerve-endings!"

"And give up my biological cestuses?! Dream on, you damn butcher!"

" _Ya know, nowmally I'd considah this tah be a total shoo-in, buuuut…"_

" _After the Davy Back Fight, you expect fangs in every gift horse we get?"_ Cross deadpanned.

" _Eeeeeyup."_

" _ **UH…GUYS?"**_

" _Aaaaand there's the other shoe. Yes, Soundbite?"_

" **I THINK I KNOW** _ **THE HELL**_ HE'S REFERRING TO."

" _The rules for goldfish catching are simple! The team that catches the largest goldfish in three minutes wins! By the way,"_ he added, clearly smirking. " _This paper dissolves easily in water._ "

"Hmph, so there's a trick after all. Still, I don't see how goldfish catching can be hellish if that's the _only_ trick," Perona remarked.

" _And now, allow me to introduce you to my valued confidant who shall be your opponent! Go forth, Muchigoro!"_

The audience erupted in cheers as the sound of someone apparently doing their best impression of Usopp heading into a fight approached.

" _Yo! I'm Muchigoro!_ " came a voice that once again made the listeners think of Usopp.

"Kishishishishi," Moria chuckled. "Another challenge being hosted by a trickster! I almost feel nostalgic. Always nice to sample the works of a fellow artiste!"

" _What did he say?_ " Zoro muttered.

" _Mudskipper, I think,_ " Usopp replied.

" _He looks more like an eel to me,"_ Nami remarked.

" _Maybe he's a loach."_

" _Flounder, I'm guessing."_

" _No, I bet he's just an idiot."_

" _ **That's also a**_ **POSSIBILITY!"**

" _NO! MY NAME IS MUCHIGORO! Baron Omatsuri's first mate, Muchigoro!_ "

"Huh. I guess that this battle's going to be really fishy."

"Your sense of humor remains as transparent as you are, Absalom! Fosfosfosfosfos!"

**-o-**

"Hold on, did he just call himself 'first mate'?" a pretty, violet-haired young woman asked sharply.

"He did, didn't he? So, they're some sort of crew… it doesn't necessarily mean pirates, but it's worth considering," responded her husband, a blonde-haired man with blue eyeshadow.

"Hmm… now that you mention it…"

"Papa?"

"I didn't consider it before, but in the context of piracy… that name, 'Omatsuri'… yes, I do believe that it rings a bell. Bring me my black book, let me see if I have their flag," remarked an obese man, lying on a most unconventional couch.

"Yes, Papa," the two replied immediately.

" _Now, which one of you will compete?"_

" _Oh! Here, here, here, here, here! Me, me, me, me, me!_ " Luffy insisted with all the composure of a child in a sweet shop… or meat shop, as the case may be.

" _Hold on, Luffy,_ " came Usopp's voice, uncharacteristically confident. " _Let me handle that Muchigoro or Sushigoro or whatever his name is."_

" _Oh, but weren't you too busy quaking in your boots a second ago?"_ Cross asked snidely.

" _He got a confidence boost after learning that it was goldfish-catching,"_ Sanji explained in a dry tone.

"Brindo, Campacino, what are you betting on for the Ordeal?" asked a young girl with violet hair, the woman's sister.

"HMM! My wager is that they will win… without using nets!"

"And I say they will win… within the final five seconds!"

"You two know those could happen at the same time, right?" Papa huffed with a sigh.

**-o-**

"Alright! The Straw Hats' _SUPER_ sniper is stepping up!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose atop his couch.

" _You'll regret being my opponent, Muchigoro. You'll be facing the man who was known as the Master of Goldfish-Catching… me!"_

" _Master?"_ Chopper asked, awestruck.

" _Master?"_ Conis asked, curious.

" _Master?"_ Su repeated wearily.

" _Master?"_ Muchigoro asked, horrified.

" _Master!"_ Usopp confirmed proudly.

"Wow, sounds like he really _is_ a master!" Mozu cheered.

" _Really?"_ Chopper asked, awestruck.

" _Really?"_ Conis asked, curious.

" _Really?"_ Su repeated wearily.

" _Really?"_ Muchigoro asked, horrified.

" _Yes, really!"_ Usopp confirmed proudly.

"Is he really…?" Kiwi asked in a much more skeptical tone.

" _Awesome!"_ Chopper praised.

" _That's awesome!"_ Conis said sweetly.

" _You're awesome!"_ Muchigoro said, awestruck.

" _I'm awesome!"_ Usopp declared.

"He's SUPER! Awesome!" Franky declared, posing.

"Go, Usopp!" Zambai cheered.

"Another victory in the making for the Straw Hats!" Tamagon cheered.

"If he's telling the truth," Kiev muttered.

" _Ah—Say, it's not a lie this time, right?"_ Chopper asked, worriedly.

" _What? You're lying?"_ Conis yelped.

" _Of course he's lying,"_ Su deadpanned.

" _Please tell me you're lying!"_ Muchigoro pleaded.

"There's no way someone as SUPER! as him would lie!" Franky emphatically denied.

"… _I lied,"_ Usopp confirmed smugly.

"SAY WHAT!?" Mozu yelped, the majority of the Franky House facefaulting in shock.

"Then again, Cross _did_ say awhile back that he has a tendency for tall tales…" Franky mused.

" _Of course…"_ came the sound of a face-paw.

" _ **I knew it!"**_ a thoroughly manic voice roared.

" _Shit, he tricked me!"_ Muchigoro grumbled to himself.

" _See, I knew he was an idiot,"_ Sanji deadpanned.

" _Which one?"_ Cross asked just as flatly.

"Which one indeed…" Kiwi sighed as she eyed her still-stunned sister.

" _Muchigoro, don't let them build up momentum!"_ the baron's voice barked

" _Ah, sorry, Baron!"_ Muchigoro promptly apologized.

" _Hmph!"_ Omatsuri snorted. " _Now that that foolishness is over and done with, we shall now begin! Ready—"_

" _Go!"_ the Baron was suddenly cut off by a high-pitched and squeaky voice.

Franky blinked at the Transponder Snail in surprise. "Huh? Who the heck was that?"

"… _Soundbite?"_

" _ **Yeah?**_ "

" _Did that flower just talk?"_

"… _**Yeah."**_

"A talking flower," Zambai groaned. "After learning that someone like Big Bro Franky existed, I _really_ didn't think that the Grand Line could possibly get any crazier. Then the SBS shows up and starts talking about a hidden city of octopi and sky islands. But I thought that was as far as the craziness would go, I really, _really_ did. Looks like I was wrong."

"… _Well, great, now I'm getting Undertale flashbacks."_

" **Tell me about it…"** Soundbite muttered before adopting a pensive look that was translated to the Transponder Snail. "DO I LOOK _**that stupid TOO?"**_

" _Oh, of course not. You're much worse."_

_CHOMP!_

" _YEOWCH!"_

"Did Cross really not expect that to happen?" Kiev deadpanned.

"Honestly?" Mozu chuckled. "Considering how close those two are, I doubt he even cared."

**-o-**

" _Ergh, slimy little—! Alright, everybody, the contest is underway, and… nobody seems to be doing anything…?"_

" **INCOMING!** "

A sound of a lot of water being displaced came through from the other end of the call, the Transponder Snail's face betraying his shock and terror.

"Oh, my, what's happening now?" Porche asked with wide-eyed shock.

"At a guess, they're playing the game on a scale only Big Pan would normally be viable for," Silver Fox Foxy deadpanned.

"You think so?"

"Fehfehfeh, it's what I'd do in that position!" Foxy cackled as he stroked his tissue-peppered chin.

Porche raised an eyebrow as she looked over her boss's face. "How's that goatee coming?"

"Pupupu!" Hamburg interrupted with his ill-hidden snickering. "He's been having a hard time maneuvering his razor around his chin, pupupu!"

"NO COMMENTARY FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!" Foxy roared in annoyance.

" _Wh-Wh-What is that?!"_

" _That's my pet goldfish, Sweet Rosario._ "

"HA! Called it!" Foxy crowed smugly, his annoyance forgotten.

"You're brilliant, Boss!"

"Still don't have a goatee though, pupu—!"

"I GET IT, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN, DAMN IT!"

"… _Well, there's the catch, folks; Rosario is about as big as the Going Merry, so—"_

" **So, a** _normal splash from him_ _**MAKES more than a few**_ **RIPPLES!** TO BE EXACT, _**INCOMING**_ _TIDAL WAVE!"_

" _Wha—? SHIT! CARUE, I NEED A LIFT!"_

" _What? What's the wowwy? Goldfish don't live in salt watah,"_ the duck squawked.

" _THAT'S NOT A GOLDFISH, THAT'S A GOLDFISH-SHAPED_ SEAKING! _NOW GIVE ME A DAMN LIFT BEFORE—!"_ SPLOOSH! " _ACKPFT! Agh, now that's just perf—! Nonono, wait, Soundbite, don't—!"_

" **HURK!"**

"… _aaaaand that's gonna stain. Fucking_ perfect."

" _Ha! You see that? Their stomachs and wills are as weak as rice paper! Laugh at them, Muchigoro! They are nothing but feeble cowards!"_ Omatsuri cackled.

" _HAHAHA! Indeed, my Baron! After all, sweet Rosario is a good boy who would never do anything bad!"_ Muchigoro insisted.

"My **slimy** — _ **cough**_ — **ASS** _ **HE WOULDN'T!**_ " Soundbite coughed.

" _And HOW exactly are we supposed to catch THAT?!"_ Vivi demanded.

" _Use the bucket, of course,"_ Omatsuri said smugly.

" _What buck—?"_

There was another loud splash of water.

"… _never mind."_

" _OK, viewers, so it appears that the Baron_ did _give us both buckets big enough for Rosario to fit in, but the question remains: how are we supposed to get that giant helping of sushi to go in the bucket in the first place?_ " Cross wondered.

"Something tells me that their sniper won't be quite so eager anymore…" Porche mused.

" _Nami, I'm passing to you. A-After all, the Eisen Dial should be enough for this, right?"_ Usopp asked timidly.

"Called it."

" _Wait, what? USOPP!… Oh, fine, I'll do it if I have to."_

Something came across the line that could only be described as something metallic coughing, followed by the unmistakable sound of a fist striking a skull.

"OW! _WHAT THE HELL, WITCH!?"_

" _I TOLD YOU HOW TO FIX THE PRESSURE CHAMBER ALREADY, WHAT PART DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"_

" _THE PART WHERE YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND TIME TO DO IT WHEN I'M JUGGLING THREE OTHER PROJECTS!"_

" _You son of a—! We will have_ words _later, I promise you. For now, though… Zoro, I'm passing to you."_

" _Wha—Me?! Ugh, fine."_ There was the sound of a sword sliding out of its sheath.

" _Hold up, Mosshead! If you tried to go it alone, you'd be swallowed whole!"_

" _Like hell, shit cook! I'll fillet this thing in ten seconds—!"_

" _NO SWORDS IN GOLDFISH CATCHING!"_ Omatsuri yelled.

" _WHAT?"_ Zoro roared back.

" _See? Davy Back Fight all over again, now you're doubly useless!"_

" _JUST SHUT UP AND HIT THE DAMN FISH YOU IDIOTS!"_ Nami roared.

" _Right away, Nami-swan!"/"Don't need to tell me twice, witch."_

There was the sudden meaty THWACK of leather striking flesh, followed by a roar of bestial pain.

" _Alright, so Sanji and Zoro seem to be juggling Rosario in the air right now… and once again Zoro has demonstrated how much damage he can cause with just his freaking_ sheath, _eesh. Ah, and here comes Luffy, trying to use the net that we're supposed to use, which is about as big as Soundbite. He's stretching out… Omatsuri and Muchigoro appear to be reacting to seeing his Devil Fruit powers, so I take it that they really_ don't _listen to the SBS… aaand the net broke. HEY, BARON! How are we supposed to catch_ anything _with this net, let alone that giant goldfish?"_

" _You're not. Muchigoro, show them!"_

" _You have to catch Sweet Rosario with THIS!"_

" _Ugh, should have seen this coming; mudskipper-face just pulled a net over ten times his size from out of…_ somewhere _. Sanji was right, it's the Davy Back Fight all over again, only I'm starting to think that Foxy was_ more _pleasant!"_

"Hey!" Porche yelped in an affronted tone.

"We're not publicly allies, remember?" Foxy informed the 'brains' of his first mates.

"…I knew that."

"Pupupu! She forgot, pupu—!"

"CRAM IT UP YOUR LONG-JOHNS, BUNS-FOR-BRAINS!"

"Not so fun being on the other end, is it, now?"

"Grrgrgrrrgh…"

" _Anyway… HEY, BARON! Why the hell does he get the bigger net while we just get these pathetic things?"_

" _Hmmm?"_ the Baron hummed curiously. " _I don't remember saying you_ had _to use that net; I only said that the paper dissolves easily in water. Well? Do you remember?"_

"Wow. Even _I'm_ not that bad," Foxy remarked in equal parts awe and disgust.

**-o-**

The two humanoid residents of Little Garden had ensured that the Baroque Works agents left their snail behind when they left, and had not missed a single SBS broadcast despite their fights. One such duel was going on right now, but as was often the case, the content of the broadcast made them both pause to pay more attention.

In this case, their reasons were different; the Red Ogre was shaking his head in disgust while the Blue Ogre had his forehead scrunched up and his eyes squinting as though he were thinking hard about something.

"Disgraceful, simply disgraceful," Broggy huffed grimly, head bowed in dismay. "As if that farce of a Backfight weren't bad enough, now we have fools such as this baron refusing to meet his opponents in honorable combat! It's abominable! It's grievous!" He crashed his fist on the ground with a snarl. "AND WORST OF ALL, IT'S DISAPPOINTING!"

"Mmhmm, yes, you're right…" Dorry muttered noncommittally, arms crossed and a scowl marring his face as he head bowed his head in thought.

" _Alright, you wanna rules-lawyer? Let's rules-lawyer,"_ Cross decided. " _You said no swords? Fine, no swords. Conis, blast that thing."_

" **Roger-roger.** _Huh? That wasn't me…_ "

"… _Soundbite? We need to talk about your situational timing."_

" **Heheheheh!"**

" _One minute left! You have one minute left!"_ came the voice of the Baron's flower. Dorry's scowl deepened at the voice, and he started muttering under his breath

" _ **If I may, Cross, I believe I have an easier solution.**_ "

" _The fish is falling straight towards Muchigoro's net! What the heck do you—OH. OK, hold off on that, Conis… and Muchigoro tosses it straight towards his bucket… aaand thanks to a clever usage of Devil Fruit powers, Rosario bounces straight out of the bucket and is now FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS US DAMMIT XXX!"_

" _ **My apologies, Cross, I haven't had much experience with that kind of technique in the past."**_

" _COLD FUCKING COMFORT WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED!"_

" **I GOT IT, I GOT IT!"**

The pitter-patter of feet running came a moment later, followed by a loud _FWUMP!_ And then more incredulous roars from the crowd. And in the middle of it all, Dorry was still grumbling to himself about something he'd forgotten. Broggy eyed him curiously, but ultimately shrugged it off.

" _Whoa-hoh, nice one! And a dramatic move from Chopper has redirected Rosario aaaand_ HE'S IN! _THE AQUATIC BASTARD IS IN OUR BUCKET!"_

" _Five, four, three, two, one! Game over! Game over! The Straw Hats win!"_ the flower cheered, causing Dorry to actively bite his thumb.

" _Damn straight, you Proto-Flowey piss-ant!"_

"HAHA!" Broggy barked joyously. "A most righteous and honorable victory! Nothing but the best from the Straw Hats!" He then tilted his head to the side. "Though I find Cross's choice of insults… somewhat questionable, at best."

" _NICE PLAY,_ _ **Chopper! …**_ **Chopper? HE'S ABOUT** to fall IN THE _**WATER!**_ "

" _I'll get him… aaand there goes Luffy, too. Eesh, sometimes this job… Boys?"_ Boss called out tiredly.

" _On it, Boss!"_ a quartet of voices chorused.

"Ugh, damn it, damn it, damn it…" Dorry grumbled, knocking his fist against his forehead.

"Ergh," Broggy rolled his eyes with a sigh. "What on Elbaf's blessed soil is crawling through your head now, Dorry?"

"That's just the problem!" The Blue Ogre flung his hands up in frustration. "There's something about that flower of the Baron's that is stirring memories in my head, but for the life of me they refuse to take form! It's like trying to catch the fog with your bare hands!" He promptly jabbed a finger at Broggy with a glare. "And don't mention the cotton-candy fog we encountered in the New World, because that doesn't count!"

Broggy coughed into his fist and looked away sheepishly. "Wouldn't ever dream of it…" He then gave Dorry a concerned look. "Still, any way that I can help?"

"That'd require me having somewhere to _start_ in the first place!" Dorry shook his head morosely. He then clenched his eyes shut as he started pounding his fists against his temples. "Come on already, get out, get _out—!"_

It would be the last time he made the mistake of letting his guard down like that, as Broggy took the opportunity to sucker-punch him. With a boulder.

"AGH!" the Blue Ogre grunted in pain, rubbing the area of impact. Then his eyes snapped open and he punched the air with a joyous cackle.

"NOW I REMEMBER! A small, smiling, talking flower perched on someone's shoulder and surrounded by a mass of people with plant sprouts on their heads! It's straight from the the tale of Ivad's Trials against Tailog the Treasonous!"

"Congratulations, comrade!" Broggy crowed as he clapped his hand on his old friend's shoulder… and promptly shared a look of horror with him.

" _THE STRAW HATS ARE_ WHERE?!"

Any onlookers to Little Garden would see a large flock of pterodactyls flying out of the trees in response to the two giants' bellowing.

**-o-**

The next few minutes were purely the Straw Hats celebrating and chastising the Hammers on their crew, with the Baron and his first mate—and pretty much the entire native audience as well—brooding in the background. It all came to an abrupt end when the Baron spoke up again.

" _WAIT! This contest is not yet finished! You must now undertake the next ordeal! How dare you make my Muchigoro cry!"_

" _Hey, come on, Baron. He lost fair and square."_

" _Yes, there's no need to be so—"_

" _SILENCE! The matter is settled! You will do as I say!"_

"Am I the only one who's absolutely _relishing_ the irony of the Straw Hats meeting two groups of pirates who play rigged games in a row after what they did here?" Drake asked with a grim smile.

"No, Drake, you most certainly are not," Jonathan muttered in reply, not taking his eyes off the snail. "Though the Straw Hats are certainly putting up as much of a fight as we could expect, I can't deny that I'm hoping to see some proof against Cross' claim."

In truth, he had been considering Cross' offer alongside Jessica over the last few weeks, but Straw Hat's display against the Foxy Pirates, his unconquerable will, had significantly weighted his opinion; if Straw Hat had that kind of will and Cross, for all his rabble-rousing, had him as a superior and took pride in bowing to him, it may well be that they would reach their goal, and that would leave no doubt that choosing their side would be the safer choice in order to survive the inevitable tidal wave that would accompany the feat.

He nodded to himself; he had considered it long enough. If Straw Hat showed another example of will like he had during the Davy Back Fight, he would accept Cross' bargain. But it was yet to be seen if this strange Baron would actually be capable of driving him to it.

" _OK, am I the only one who thinks this guy's taking the whole 'sore loser' thing a little too far?"_ Su muttered acridly. " _Seriously, he's whining more than Conis when—MMPH!"_

" _Stop. Using. My childhood._ As material!" Conis demanded furiously.

" _MMPH, PTOOIE! What do you mean 'your childhood'!? I grew up with you!"_

" _Then use some of your own stories!"_

" _Ironically enough, I'm nowhere near as interesting as you."_

[I didn't have long to get to know Su, but for any fox, this seems to be par for the course,] Isaiah squawked in a deep and cool tone.

[WHAT HE SAID!] Terry contributed, earning a quelling look from Jonathan; the Vice Admiral may not have been able to understand him except through the very silent written word, but that didn't make his POWERFUL! voice any quieter.

" _Another ordeal? Sounds like fun!"_ Luffy said.

"It appears that Luffy shares Cross' definition of that particular word," Jonathan remarked. "It's going to get them into trouble someday."

" _Oh,_ **joy, LUFFY'S** _ **ON BOARD already,**_ " Soundbite drawled, before the snail snapped to attention, glancing in another direction.

" _What's wrong, Soundbite?_ " Cross asked.

" **We're being watched**."

"Maybe 'today' rather than 'someday', sir," Drake added.

**-o-**

" _Who is it?"_

"Older man… **sounds… hopeful?** _THAT'S ALL I GOT."_

" _Hopeful? What's he saying?"_

" _Nothing, but I've_ HEARD THIS **breath and** _ **HEARTBEAT**_ **pattern from** _ **Vivi**_ _AND_ _ **Conis in the past**_ _. HE'S TRAPPED_ **and HE'S JUST SEEN** _ **a ray of light.**_ "

The Transponder Snail's expression became pointedly blank. "… _Yeah, that would be just typical, wouldn't it?"_

The fighter's quarters under Dressrosa's famed Corrida Colosseum were alive with activity as the gladiators, crowded around the old and rather wheezy Transponder Snail someone had dug out of storage, exchanged bets and what little money they had with Rebecca. After all, not only did she not gamble—and certainly not for lack of trying on her comrades' parts—she was one of the only ones who could handle the numbers and even estimate the odds.

"฿100 says that Straw Hat clears the next Ordeal!"

"฿200 on someone else clearing it instead!"

"฿500 on Nami snapping and burning the whole island down! I'm feeling lucky."

"Oh, going for the long shot," Rebecca remarked, taking the money and marking down all the bets.

" _Hmm… alright, we'll see if anything comes of that. For now… this is just between us, right?"_

"YEAH?"

" _Good, let's keep it that way, I don't want to set Nami off without reason."_

Rebecca smiled apologetically as a chorus of groans, laughs and jeers rang out through the cages, one of the gladiators snapping out the whip he was carrying.

" _Anyways, viewers, it would seem that Nami is exercising her authority as second mate. Back to the Merry we go, apparently… uh, Boss, are you coming?"_

" _Eh… go on ahead, Cross,"_ Boss called back. " _I saw something in the water that I want to check on with the boys. We'll catch up with you when we get through here, shouldn't take too long, a few minutes at most."_

" _You heard him, Cross, let's get out of here!"_ Nami snapped.

" _Alright, alright… uh, Zoro, any chance of vetoing her?"_ Cross asked.

" _If that's any example of the so-called 'Ordeals of Hell,' then no, I'd rather get back to the ship,"_ Zoro replied dryly.

"฿1000 says that they don't leave yet!"

Rebecca snapped her hand away from the crumpled bill with a smile. "I'm sorry, this bank does not accept sucker's bets."

Her smile widened as she enjoyed the bout of laughter the comment elicited. Every ray of light was needed in this dreary pit, and she was truly grateful towards the Straw Hats for bringing any measure of merriment to the cages of Corrida Colosseum, however brief they might have been.

With any luck, they would continue to do so for a long time to come.

**-o-**

" _Well, loyal viewers, it seems that we're right back to stumbling through the woods, and for what must be the first time ever, Nami's navigational skills aren't serving us very well."_

"What!? Big Sis Nami getting lost in any way, shape or form? Something's gotta be seriously wrong, because I'd sooner believe that Sea Kings can fly!" Johnny breathed incredulously.

"Personally, I'm more worried about how Big Sis is gonna react to a statement like that!" Yosaku joked.

THWACK!

" _OUCH!"_

" _I don't see you doing any better, jackass!"_

"Called it!"

" _And besides, you have no right to be snide! Shouldn't Soundbite be able to point us in the right direction?"_

"… _Huh. Now that you mention it…"_

" _I… THINK_ the sea _**is**_ **that way? DON'T QUOTE ME, THOUGH.** "

"Well, that's a lot less confident than usual," Yosaku noted.

"Yeah, usually that snail'd be practically boasting his prowess to the heavens," Johnny frowned as he nodded in agreement. "Now he just sounds confused? What's up with that?"

"Something he ate, maybe?"

"Eh, maybe…" Johnny shrugged, though he was clearly unconvinced.

" _ARGH!"_ Nami's outraged scream indicated that she hadn't noticed anything off-color about her comrade. " _This map is useless! I swear, it seems like the island is changing on us!"_

" _W-Wait a minute… do you think that maybe it actually_ is? _I mean, after the way that arena showed up…"_ Vivi trailed off.

"… _ **Yeeeaaaah,**_ THAT'D EXPLAIN _A LOT."_

"…You don't _really_ think that islands can change on the fly, do you?" Johnny asked his partner uneasily.

A pregnant pause, followed by Nami's screech of vicious rage.

"Looks like Big Sis Nami sure thinks they can," Yosaku divined, a large drop of sweat running down the back of his head.

"BARON! _IF YOU'RE WATCHING US, GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"_

" _I'm right over here,"_ came a distant voice. There was a sound of many footfalls and shifting vegetation, and then—

" _I've been expecting you!_ " came the Baron's jovial voice.

" _STOP SCREWING WITH US AND LET US LEAVE!"_

" _Why? You've only just come here, and the Ordeals have just begun! All you need to do is pass them, and you'll have all of the rest that you need. In fact, only four of you need to participate in this Ordeal; the rest of you are free to enjoy the island's hospitalities."_

The sound of grumbling filtered through the speaker. " _And how many more ordeals are there after this?"_

" _You will be finished by the end of the day,"_ Omatsuri said smoothly.

"… _Fine, we'll play your game."_

" _WOO-HOO!"_ Luffy cheered.

"Looks like Big Bro Luffy gets his way after all," Johnny chuckled.

"Yep! And all 'cause he got lost again," Yosaku nodded sagely before clapping his hands together. "Well, anyway, as fun as listening to Big Bro Zoro's adventures is, we really should get moving. Come on, this way!" He started walking down a fork in the road.

"Wha—HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" Johnny leapt off the rock he was sitting on as he stared after his friend. "Where the hell do you think you're going, Yosaku!?"

"Uh, to the next town?" Yosaku intoned slowly, staring at his partner as though he were an idiot. "It's this way, c'mon!"

"The hell it is! The next town is _this_ way!" Johnny snapped, jabbing his finger down a different fork in the road.

"Are you out of your mind!? That's not even close to the right way! It's this way!"

"No, it's this way!"

"No, it's _this_ way!"

**-o-**

" _The Ordeal of Hell, Part 2,_ " Omatsuri sneered. " _Ladies and gentlemen, the next ordeal will be…"_

" _Will be?"_ the Straw Hats asked.

The sound of fabric moving, like curtains being pulled back, came across the speakers.

"… _What does that say? 'Quoits'?"_

" _ **That's French. It means 'ring toss',"**_ came the mystery crewmate's voice.

" _Ring toss?_ " chorused many Straw Hats.

" _I know French and_ I _didn't know that,"_ Cross deadpanned.

"The brat knows French? Wouldn't have expected that! Nope! Not a bit!" Miss Merry Christmas snorted, sweeping the decks of the Spiders Café. "Wouldn't have expected Goldenweek, 5, and Valentine to leave us, either! I wanted to spend my golden years in quiet retirement, not keeping this rundown place spic and spotless!"

"If I've said it once, Miss Merry Christmas, I've said it a hundred times: you can leave if you want to, I'll just hire more capable employees," Paula, the former Miss Doublefinger, said dismissively as she wiped down the mug she was holding. "But I wonder how much more opportunity you'd have to show off that dress to everyone if you do."

The mole-woman spun around to glower at Paula, her white princess dress spinning along with her. She glanced down at the hem with a shaky scowl before sighing angrily and getting back to sweeping. "Damn you."

"And _that's_ why I was Mr. 1's partner, and not _you,"_ Paula grinned cheekily.

Meanwhile, Baron Omatsuri started to explain the rules of the game. " _Each team has two boats with two people aboard each boat. The first team to ensnare all of their opponents in rings wins!"_

" _Ah, something that actually sounds like a challenging game. Maybe we won't—_ "

" _SHUT UP,_ _ **Cross,**_ " Soundbite advised.

" _Thank you, Soundbite."_

" _HEY!… Alright, fair enough."_

" _Still, it doesn't sound like anything more combative than the last one. Count me out, I'm gonna go take a nap,"_ groused Lassoo's voice.

"Ohhhhhhh—"

" _Now, let me introduce my confidants, the Four Wise Men! The leader, Kerojii!"_

"—heeeeeeeeeey—" Mr. 4 continued, amidst the applause from the Baron's audience.

" _The main striker, Keroshot!"_

"—iiiiiiiiiiiit's—"

" _The repairman extraordinaire, Kerodeek!"_

"—Laaaaaaaaaaaassoooooooooooo."

" _And the youngest and only female, Keroko!"_

"Why can't you try being a little faster, you moron? You showed that you could be as fast as you wanted back in those dungeons," Christmas grumbled as the applause finished.

"Iiiiiiiit maaaaaaaaakes myyyyyyyyyy heeeeeaaaaaaaad huuuuuuuurt…" 4 shrugged indifferently.

" _Well, while one shouldn't judge capabilities based on appearances, I have to wonder how capable these guys are; not only are they no bigger than my head—"_

" _PHRASING!_ " Soundbite chortled.

"… _No bigger than a_ normal person's _head,"_ Cross growled, eliciting snickers from the ex-Baroque Works agents. " _They all appear to be elderly. On the other hand, when has something as trivial as age slowed down anyone's capabilities? I remember meeting a nice young lady on our journey who was 139, and she was scarily proficient in fighting."_ He paused. " _You know what, strike that. She was just flat-out_ SCARY, _period. And I'm very, very glad that she's several hundred miles away right now…"_

He trailed off, and a few seconds later the snail frowned. " _That's weird, I was expecting her to call to chew me out. Lord knows it's happened before…"_

"Heh, too bad, I would have paid big money to see the brat get taken down a peg or two!" Merry Christmas chortled.

**-o-**

Meanwhile, in the castle that was once the seat of the now-defunct Drum Kingdom, President Dalton of the Cherry Blossom Kingdom took a second to gather his courage before poking his head into the good (HA!) doctor's office. "Doctor Kureha—?"

_TH-TH-THUNK!_

"BEAT IT, BRAT, I'M BUSY!" Kureha snarled viciously.

Dalton took a second to count his lucky stars that she'd decided to aim her scalpels a little to the left before entering. "I was just listening to the SBS on my Baby Snail and was wondering why you didn't call in? It just seemed like the kind of thing you'd respond to, is all—?"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO DO, YOU OX-BRAINED BUFFOON!?" the elderly doctor roared, marching up to him and holding her _very_ panicked Transponder Snail up to the president's face by its eyestalks. "THE DAMN CALL ISN'T GOING THROUGH!"

Dalton blinked in confusion. "W-Wait, what?"

Doctor Kureha roared in frustration as she spun around and flung the snail at her desk, where it thankfully landed upright, albeit with its eyes spinning. "Of course I tried to call that cocky brat! I wanted to give him a piece of my damn mind and make him sweat!" She stalked up to the still-dizzied Transponder Snail and snatched up its mic before jabbing in a number. "But all I'm getting is THIS!"

The second she finished entering the number, the snail's eyestalks snapped to attention and it grit its teeth as it let out a staticky-ticking noise.

Dalton stared at the snail in confusion, too busy trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing to pay more than passing attention to the trash talk that the 'Four Wise Men' were inflicting on the Straw Hats. "What—? Can it not connect for some reason? I've never heard of this happening before."

"And neither have I!" Kureha flung her hands up in frustration, marching back and forth like a caged tiger. "I can't understand it! We're receiving his signal crystal clear, but _something_ is blocking us from contacting _him!_ If he had found a way to make it so I _couldn't_ call in, he wouldn't have acted confused, he would have sang it to the angels and demons and gloated over it for all the world to hear! And besides, he'd never block me from calling, not when—ugh…anyway—"

"You're just worried about Chopper, aren't you?"

Kureha hesitated for a second— _a scant second—_ before scoffing and waving him off. "Psh, as if! They can cook him up in sherry and serve him with an apple in his mouth for all I care! No, I'm agitated because I don't know why the call is getting through, _and I don't like not knowing things!_ Ooooh, but I'm going to find out, alright, I'm going to find out!"

The Transponder Snail cut the failed call with a sigh of relief only to shriek silently in terror and leave a not-inconsiderable _stain_ on Kureha's desk when she slammed her hands around it and loomed menacingly over the poor gastropod.

" _One way or another!"_

**-o-**

" _Alright, everyone, for your entertainment, I'll be spectating the ordeal and reporting what happens,"_ Cross announced following the end of a brief pause in the transmission. " _While most of the crew is going out and about in order to actually enjoy everything the resort has to offer, it looks like the teams of Usopp and Nami, and Zoro and Sanji will be taking on Omatsuri's Four Wise Men."_

Iceburg cocked an eyebrow with an uncertain look. "Is… that really the best of moves?"

"Eh." Paulie waved his hand dismissively as he accepted a tray of drinks from Blueno and started passing them out to his colleagues. "Who knows, there's probably some story or other behind it. You know how the Straw Hats are: insane to a fault."

" _If anyone else is wondering why they think this arrangement is a good idea, you're not alone,"_ Cross deadpanned. " _Believe me, I_ tried _to build a better team, but we're still having a hard time pinning down where the Dugongs are, the Wise Men managed to provoke Nami into volunteering, Sanji insisted after that and it was all downhill from there."_

"Called it."

"Still though, you'd think they'd take things more seriously, given that they're dealing with an 'Ordeal of Hell'," Peeply Lulu mused as he stroked the extra spike of hair coming out of the side of his mustache.

"CONSIDERING HOW THE STRAW HATS WON THE FIRST ONE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE!" Tilestone roared.

" _I mean, sure, it's not all bad, we've got two of our heavy-hitters on the field and they're unstoppable when they work together, but there needs to be something serious on the line for them to be_ able _to work together. Sanji doesn't care much save for helping Nami and Zoro doesn't give a damn either way… Seriously,_ how _did this happen?!"_

" _An enigma most worthy,_ CROSS, _**but**_ **I've got a** _better question:_ _ **WHERE THE**_ **HELL** DID THIS _CITY_ _**COME FROM?!**_ "

"Oh? A city?" Blueno wondered.

" _Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard the snail right: A city, sprung from absolutely nowhere as if risen from the ground itself. I can only imagine that Baron Omatsuri has turned this_ entire island _into a machine under his control, because I can't fathom any other way that Nami could get lost on the way out of the jungle_ or _how the hell he could have a racecourse inspired by the island metropolis known as Water 7."_ He paused. " _On that note, while I have it in mind, a big salute to the Galley-La Company, home to the finest shipwrights in the world!"_

"Well, that's nice of him," Kaku remarked. "It's an accepted fact, true, but it's not often you hear so openly."

"Indeed," Iceburg agreed, frowning thoughtfully. "But what sort of expertise must this Omatsuri have to perform that kind of conversion? And for what purpose?"

"Perhaps he makes a mint off of swindling pirate crews in a manner similar to that Foxy fellow the Straw Hats recently ran into," Lulu proposed as he absentmindedly pushed the spike in the hair over his lip into submission… causing it to protrude from his eyebrows.

" _Still, as fantastic as this undertaking must have been, I have to say, it's kind of unbelievable_ how _he did it! I mean, eesh, this place is_ packed! _There's gotta be hundreds of people here!"_

" **Actually, CROSS, that's** _ **something ELSE**_ _weird that I've_ **NOTICED. BESIDES** _that one_ **guy** _ **from**_ _EARLIER,_ THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE _**anyone else besides the staff**_ _AT THIS so-called—"_

" _Hey, whatcha up to 'pu?"_

" _GAH! Who the—?"_ Cross yelped in shock before blinking in surprise. " _Wow, I'm surprised. I've just met a real life kappa."_

" _Gappa! My name is DJ_ Gappa ' _pu! Sheesh, every single time 'pu…"_

" _Uh, sorry, the shell and… plate that you're wearing… kind of threw me off. I take it that you're one of Baron Omatsuri's comrades, then?"_

" _Yes. I'm the Chief Gunner and Sniper 'pu. But I also join Muchigoro in being the MC of parties 'pu. Anyway, what are you doing talking to yourself?"_

"Huh, so another front-man like Cross, then?" Kaku questioned. "I guess they're going to have a lot to talk about."

With the rest of the Galley-La Corporation paying their full attention to the snail, only Rob Lucci noticed Kalifa quietly slipping out of the room. Noticing his stare, she mouthed 'making calls' before closing the door behind her.

**-o-**

"Mama, what's a kappa?"

"Ah… I'll tell you later, Rika," the girl's mother surreptitiously coughed into her fist in order to hide her smile. "For now, just know that I think that Cross made a somewhat unkind joke based off of that young man's choice of attire."

" _Why am I… ah. Going by how you all have been acting thus far, I take it that you don't have any Transponder Snails on this island?"_ Cross asked.

" _Nope. There aren't many animals on the island to begin with 'pu."_

" **Yeah, I actually noticed** _ **that. NOT EVEN ANY BUGS.**_ _WHAT'S UP WITH THA—?"_

" _So, are you crazy or somethin' 'pu?"_ Gappa interrupted without missing a beat.

" _WHAT!?"_ Cross squawked in shock.

" _Are you nutso and talkin' to the voices in your head 'pu? Cause if you are, that's cool, 'cause sometimes the Wise Men—!"_

" _I am NOT nuts!… Or at least, not that kind of nuts,"_ Cross revised. " _I'm doing a radio show; I'm using this transceiver here to broadcast what I'm saying to every other Transponder Snail in the world. The current view count is…"_ A few metallic clicks came over the connection, and then the snail grinned. " _Our highest yet, coming just shy of ten million snails! Hot damn, this has gotta be our most popular show yet! Screw cutting this off anytime soon, we're going on a day-long marathon!"_

"My, my, it looks like I may be keeping the doors open late tonight," Ririka chuckled.

"And I get to stay up late, too?" Rika asked hopefully.

"Yes, but you'll still need to do your homework while listening."

"Awwww!"

"What do you have to complain about, Rika?" one of the Marines in the bar scoffed incredulously. "All you have to do is some math problems, we Marines are the ones suffering here!"

"Captain Ripper gives us all double-duty for listening to the _normal_ broadcast. I can only imagine what he'll do now that it's going to be going on for hours…" another soldier lamented.

Gappa, meanwhile, was far more energetic. " _Wow, seriously!? You mean that the whole world can hear what we're saying right now 'pu!?"_

" _Absolutely! Here, got anything you wanna say?"_

" _Hm… I dunno 'pu, it's hard to—!"_ Gappa's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted expression became curiously neutral.

"Hm?" Ririka blinked in surprise before waving her hand in front of the snail's face. "Do you think it's broken or—?"

" **Actually!"**

"EEP!" the bartender jerked back in shock. Without any warning whatsoever, the snail had adopted a very… _twisted_ demeanor. The smile it was sporting was just a little too wide, its eyes were a little too bright, and the way it was giggling slightly was just—! In essence, it looked like the speaker was the resident of an insane asylum… or worse, an insane asylum resident's idea of what a normal smile was like.

" **I know what I wanna say!"** the snail chirped in a voice that sounded right and yet managed to set off _all_ the alarm bells in the heads of the viewers. Perhaps it was that faint hint of artificiality audible even through the snail's speakers. " **To the people of the world! I'd like to invite as many of you as possible to come down to our island! Once you get here, you may enjoy yourselves to your heart's content! Then, when we're done having fun, you can all take part in a big, delicious** _ **feast.**_ " The smile widened significantly, to the point where it just didn't seem humanly _possible._ " **Doesn't that sound like** _ **fun?"**_

And then, without any warning, the snail returned to the same dopey expression it'd used before. " _How was that 'pu?"_

" _Impressive!"_ Cross complimented with a grin. " _I bet you'll be seeing plenty more visitors real soon!"_

The patrons of the bar gaped at the snail in utter horror.

"What the hell was _that?"_ one of the Marines sputtered numbly.

Ririka swallowed heavily before casting a glance at her daughter. "R-Rika—"

"Uh… I-I think I'm gonna finish my homework in my room…" was all the sheet-white and trembling girl was able to get out before grabbing her books and running up the stairs as fast as she could.

" **Hey, hold on a sec,"** Soundbite piped up curiously. " _ **Did your voice just CHANGE OR—?"**_

" _Hey, what the hell!?"_ Cross suddenly demanded. " _Our viewership just nosedived by several hundred thousand! Come on, I unwittingly broadcast my own torture and get more viewers than ever before, but one little advertisement and people go running for the hills!"_

"Gee, I wonder why," one of the bar patrons muttered under his breath as he started chugging his mug, an action that was repeated throughout the bar.

**-o-**

"What the hell is wrong with that daft bastard!?" Helmeppo demanded as he sifted through the filing cabinet he'd been assigned. "I know he's clinically insane, that's a given considering his hobby, but why the hell wasn't he affected by that horrorshow we just saw?!"

"I'm with you there, Helmeppo…" Coby nodded absently as he searched through his own cabinet. "I know that I'd be freaking out if someone acted that way in front of me."

"The most likely reason he isn't reacting is that he doesn't even realize that what just happened was supposed to be reacted to to begin with…"

The rookie Marines exchanged confused glances before looking over at the desk where their commanding officer was poring over paper after paper. "Sir?" they chorused in confusion.

Garp snorted darkly as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Transponder Snails only show the face of the speaker. And going by how that kid reacted… I think that chances are what Cross saw and what the world saw are entirely different."

Coby swallowed heavily as sweat started to build on his brow. "W-What are you trying to say, sir?"

Garp slammed the papers he was holding onto the table with a growl and pinned his student with a glare. "I'm saying that you need to find those damn reports on the double! NOW, DAMN IT!"

"YES, SIR!" Coby and Helmeppo saluted fearfully, redoubling their speed in combing through the archives.

" _Still, though, if that many people stayed on, you must have an impressive reputation 'pu."_ Gappa spoke up, his voice filled with awe.

" _I'd like to imagine so, yes,"_ Cross nodded with a smile. " _It's hard to really say, seeing as we only get callers once in awhile and we haven't yet reached a big city that's heard of us, but with any luck we'll get a good reaction once we get there. For now though, the numbers speak for themselves. And a good thing too, considering the topics I speak about."_

"Only because Sengoku hasn't ordered someone who's guaranteed not to fail to pursue the Straw Hats yet," growled a furious voice. Coby and Helmeppo froze and Garp spared the newcomer in the archives a glance.

"What are you doing here, mutt?" Garp asked nonchalantly.

"The tower wasn't shaking from your usual laughter during the pirate's show, and Sengoku said you were here when I came to see if he'd actually managed to silence you this time," Akainu replied emotionlessly.

" _What do you mean 'pu?"_

" _Well, I put out a lot of material that could be called controversial, but really, it's just me exposing secrets that corrupt people would rather I not say. I'm spreading the truth, and showing a lot of the world what goes on that they don't see,"_ Cross explained. " _It's my hope that I'm managing to make a positive difference in the world, you know?"_

" _Wow 'pu. You must be really, really important 'pu!"_

" _Eh? Well, sure, I mean I hope so but—!"_

" _No, really 'pu!"_ Gappa repeated firmly. " _After all, you stand up to the World Government every day, not caring about your life in the least, all for the sake of others 'pu? That's awesome! It's like you're… you're a superhero 'pu!"_

The admiral grimaced as the guest on the other end continued heaping on praise. "I'm curious against my will as to why you're spending your time digging through old records."

Garp cleared away the papers from his desk with an angry wave of his hand and stood up. "Because that Baron Omatsuri's name and voice both sound vaguely familiar to me."

Akainu stared flatly at his lower-ranked superior. "Is this another one of your jokes?"

"USE YOUR HEAD, MUTT!" Garp roared as he slammed his fist onto the desk, causing Coby and Helmeppo to fumble the papers they held. "HIS VOICE IS _VAGUELY_ FAMILIAR TO _ME!_ WHICH MEANS THAT I RECOGNIZE IT FROM MY GLORY DAYS! _MY_ GLORY DAYS! DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, DO YOU _COMPREHEND_ THE SCALE!?"

Coby and Helmeppo would never forget that moment, as it was the first time that they ever saw the fearsome Admiral Akainu come to a realization of something panic-worthy.

"…I'll lend you a hand, then," the admiral said quietly.

Garp snorted darkly before returning to his papers. "Glad to hear it. Now grab a cabinet and find anything you can on that bastard Omatsuri, double-time."

Coby and Helmeppo shivered as they watched one of the three greatest soldiers in the world acquiesce without a word of protest before returning to their own tasks.

" _You really_ are _great 'pu! What was your name, again?"_

" _Jeremiah Cross, and this is Soundbite."_

" _Good to meet you both 'pu. Here, follow me, I'll show you to the best place to watch all the action 'pu!"_

" _Hey, thanks, Gappa!"_

" _Not a problem, Cross. But, well, one thing 'pu? Earlier when you were talking about your show, you acted like it was no big deal 'pu."_

" _Well… come on, let's be honest here: it's only one show. I'm doing my best and I have some expectations, but I try and keep them sane. That way, I can be pleasantly surprised, you know?"_

" _ **Sure as hell doesn't**_ **MEAN HE'S** MODEST, THOUGH!"

" _Quiet, you."_

" _Well, either way, you're doing a great thing 'pu! And that means you should take more pride in what you're doing 'pu. Being pleasantly surprised is one thing, but you shouldn't set your opinion of yourself lower than it should be 'pu. Maybe try boasting or something, just so long as you show some pride 'pu! It's not healthy not to acknowledge your talents 'pu!"_

"… _Alright, I'll consider it,"_ Cross conceded.

"Still, in the end it doesn't really matter," Akainu muttered, more to himself than anyone. "Because if you really are right, then Jeremiah Cross might be out of our hair sooner than I ever could have hoped."

**-o-**

[… _pwah…_ ] Cowboy sighed as he finished draining the bottle he'd yanked out of his saddlebag. [So. All in favor of forgetting about that scary-beyond-all-reason non sequitur for the sake of our sanities and paying attention to the race?]

[Aye!] agreed the five ducks and camel alongside him.

[Good. Now cram it and listen.]

" _OK, everyone, the race is underway! From this perspective, I can see a lot more of the racecourse! Our group seems to be ahead of the Four Wise Men… no, wait, in both cases, the other boats are pulling ahead now! Customized boats for Omatsuri's crew, naturally…"_

" _Not really 'pu. True, they're designed so the geezers can drive them 'pu. But the boats have equal seafaring skills; the drivers control the navigation, and the currents will do the rest 'pu."_

[Are there really currents that strong in the world?] Eyelashes asked in surprise.

[A few, yes,] Hikoichi nodded sagely. [The first example I can think of is Reverse Mountain, probably the strongest currents in the world. But it's no surprise that more exist along the sanctuary of insanity called the Grand Line.]

" _Huh? Oh, now that you mention it, they do seem to be neck-and-neck now—wait a second, what's that? Keroko is using a grill they have onboard the boat to create a smokescreen? …Actually, that's kind of clever, I'll have to remember that one. Alright, they're clear of the smokescreen, and now—whoa, that's not good, Keroko's throwing burning charcoal at them!"_

[It's as I always say!] Bourbon Jr. snickered as he toasted his bottle of BBQ sauce to the rest of the group. [Never underestimate the power of barbeque!] And with that, he threw his beak back and started chugging the bottle.

Kentauros eyed his comrade warily. [I will never know how the _hell_ he manages to drink that shit straight.]

[I don't even _want_ to know…] Ivan X rumbled with a grimace.

" _ **That's NOTHING!**_ Look at _KEROSHOT!"_

" _What, what's he—MISSILE LAUNCHERS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!"_

[Am I the only one flashing back to that time Captain tried that special saddle that Cobra brought back from the last Reverie?]

[Why he thought anything that Vegapunk made would have been normal is beyond me…]

" _Besides the rules that detail the winner, anything goes in the Ordeal of Hell 'pu. You figured that out yourself in the last Ordeal 'pu."_

" _Still, isn't this weighted a little too much in Omatsuri's favor?"_

" _Your swordsman and chef are strong. And there are emergency kits in the other boat to help the other two 'pu."_

" _They may be strong, yeah, but—NOW IT'S A MACHINE GUN?!"_

" _Yeah, those geezers are resourceful 'pu."_

[There's resourceful and then there's flat-out insane,] Cowboy declared with a sweatdrop.

" _AND_ Zoro and Sanji **are getting along** _ **as well as they NORMALLY DO.**_ **NOT GOOD!"** Soundbite remarked.

" _Alright, how about we turn our attention to the other boat…"_ Cross trailed off before heaving a weary sigh. "… _which is currently on fire."_

" _And not in a good way 'pu."_

" _And not in—DAMN IT!"/_ " **And not** in—DAMN IT!"

[Wow, that little sucker actually managed to beat them to the punch. Impressive!] Bourbon Jr. whistled.

" _You two really are good at this 'pu. I've just been doing it for longer 'pu."_

" _Wait, what?! How old are—?!"_

" _Oh, it looks like they found the rescue kits 'pu."_

[Oh, that's good! Maybe now things'll be more even!] Stomp squawked eagerly.

" _That's great!…or_ not."

[…I didn't say nuthin'...] the rookie duck groaned, shrinking under the acrid glares his superiors pinned him with.

" _Tsk, Nami's got freaking coffee mugs for all the good it's doing her, while Usopp—_ WHAT THE—!?"

" _ **Up, up, AND AWAY!**_ "

" _Not the time, Soundbite! And you!"_

" _Who, me 'pu?"_

" _Yes, 'you-poo'!"_

" _DON'T MOCK ME!"_

The ducks and camel recoiled as the dopey teen on the other end suddenly exploded in anger.

[That was freaky…] Stomp whimpered.

[Shaddup—!] Kentauros started to yell.

[He has a point, you know,] Cowboy cut in coolly, though it didn't hide the slight quiver in his voice.

[Ah…] The helmeted duck flinched and coughed into his wing. [Ahem. Sorry, force of habit.]

**-o-**

"Come on, come on, come oooon…" Apoo hissed as he dug around in the mechanism installed in the shell of one of his snails. "Aaaaalmoooost—!"

" _I'LL DAMN WELL MOCK YOU IF I WANT, YOU'RE STACKING THE DECK WORSE THAN MOST CASINOS!"_

"GAH!" Apoo yelped, reflexively jerking his hyper-dexterous arm at the outburst, causing over half a dozen wires to cross in the shell, which caused a cascade of short circuits, which in turn caused the snail to vomit up a cloud of acrid smoke with a pained wheeze before collapsing in on itself, X-d out eyes hanging limply from their stalks.

"Nonono— _DAMN IT!"_ the long-armed pirate snarled as he slammed his fist on the desk. "That was my last Galaga-Sinbad-7-Blade model transponder! The strongest model on the whole freaking _market!"_ He snapped his head around to glare at the rest of the snails on the shelves of his cabin. "What about the rest of you? _Any_ luck getting through?"

The dozen-plus snails arrayed on the walls exchanged glances before shaking their heads in unison.

"Damn it…" Apoo ground the heel of his palm into his forehead with a frustrated growl. "What the _hell_ is going on…" Left with no other option, he settled in and resigned himself to listening to his new friend's broadcast, unable to ignore the sense of dread steadily mounting in his gut.

" _THAT'S—! Grgh…"_ Gappa grit out, obviously fighting to wrestle his temper into submission. " _That's why the invitation says 'pirates among pirates among pirates among pirates' 'pu! Don't you justify any cheating you do by reminding people what you are 'pu!?"_

" _I… wish… I had a valid comeback to that…"_ Cross finally admitted.

Apoo frowned. "Wait a minute, I know he was just introduced to the SBS. How does he know that line?"

Apparently Soundbite was mirroring his thought process. "HEY, WAIT, how did _**you—?"**_

" _Oh, hey, looks like your navigator's noticed that your sniper's missing 'pu!"_

Apoo's frown deepened into a suspicious scowl. "Changing the subject again…"

Unfortunately, this time around, Soundbite wasn't quite as savvy as the pirate. " **EH—?** OHOHOHOH, _SHE'S—!"_ The snail's chortling suddenly choked off. "… Actually, she **looks kind of HURT…** "

" _Aaand there goes the boat. Nami's ringed up and out of the game. Christ on a pikestaff, we're gonna need to act fast to keep her from biting Usopp's head off once he lands…"_

" _Well, don't do it right away 'pu! I bet it'll be hilarious 'pu!"_

" _Yeah, maybe so, but—!"_

" _But what 'pu?"_

" _But… uh… hm… well…"_ Cross's protests gradually trailed off into confused muttering. " _I-I suppose… A little bit of reaming couldn't hurt…"_

Apoo immediately sat up at , staring at the snail in shock. "The hell—!?"

" _Huh?_ _ **Cross, you sure?**_ **I MEAN, I like** LONG-NOSE'S PAIN _AS MUCH AS_ _THE NEXT_ **JACKASS** _,_ _ **BUT—!"**_

" _Hey, looks like something's wrong with your cook and swordsman 'pu!"_

" _Huh? Ohhh boy, looks like my plate-headed friend here is right. Re-focusing on the race, we go back to two of our top fighters who are at once the best and worst team the Straw Hats can produce, short of either the whole crew or Soundbite and myself."_

" _UH… Y-YEAH!_ … _**Wait,**_ **which one** are we?"

" _Take a wild guess. Anyway, looks like their quota for working together has run out, they're focusing more on each other than on their competitors, who are drawing nearer with—"_

Suddenly, a chorus of singing metal rang out across the world.

"… _Good swordplay 'pu."_

" _No kidding,"_ Cross snickered proudly. " _Well, those two are dead in the water now, but Zoro and Sanji will have to turn back a—WHAT THE?!"_

" _ **5 seconds,**_ _and the ship is_ NOT ONLY _FIXED,_ **but turned into a WATER-PLANE?** _ **That's the term,**_ _right?"_

" _Eh, I don't think it can fly, but the design is—"_

There was suddenly a flurry of harsh and firm impacts.

"… _no longer appreciable."_

" _Even our chef's feet aren't that strong 'pu."_

" _Freaking unbelievable… Well, at least it's gone down—SON OF A BITCH!"_

"OK, _cheating enemies THOUGH THEY ARE,_ _**THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME! THAT**_ **DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"**

" _NOT EVEN_ REMOTELY _THE TIME, SOUND—"_

Amidst the renewed symphony of swords and strikes, Apoo gained a thoughtful expression. "Pierce the heavens… I'll have to remember that one."

**-o-**

"… _huh. Uh, never mind, viewers. Talk about anticlimactic; Zoro and Sanji literally dismantled the boat, and the rings are tossed. And meanwhile, Usopp's still in the sky, and Nami is hanging on a rope; Keroko's been snagged, but Kerojii… is challenging both Zoro and Sanji at once."_

" _Why do they fight so much anyway 'pu? Aren't you supposed to be crewmates 'pu?"_

" _Eh, it's a grand confluence of conflicting neuroses and psychoses, but while they might fight each other from time to time, they can pull their own, especially when they can stomach working together. And either way, they've always got each other's backs. We all do, really. I doubt you'll find many closer crews on the sea!"_

"That form of relationship sounds veeeeery familiar, yoyoi!" Kumadori proclaimed as he struck a pose. "Whether pirates or government, it would appear that in the end we are aaaaaaall one and the sa—!" THWACK! "YOWOWOIII!" The kabuki-faced assassin slumped to his knees, clutching a nascent lump on his skull.

"Will you do me a favor and shut the hell up already!?" Jabra snarled as he shrank back from his hybrid form. "It's freaking impossible to listen to anything over your damn racket! AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU!"

That last was directed at Fukuro, who was rifling through a rolodex he was holding in his palm. Fukuro glanced back at Jabra, but rather than throw out one of his usual reminders he just sighed and went back to looking. "This is business, chapapa. Kalifa called and asked for me to do some research on the Baron."

Jabra growled lightly under his breath for a moment as he weighed the pros and cons of trying to get at his much more… evasive comrade, but ultimately elected to turn back to the show, doing his idle best to ignore the so-called 'Silent Owl.'

" _Then why are they being so haphazard 'pu?"_ Gappa asked with childish innocence.

"Oh, dear! It sounds as though these steadfast comrades may be—!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY, DAMN IT!?" Jabra roared.

" _EEP!"_

" _Haphazard? What do you—oh, that's what. So... apparently, Kerojii is actively trying to make them attack each other, hopping between their heads and the ends of the boat, trying to get in their way with each other…aaand there goes Sanji, Zoro only barely managed to dodge. And by dodge, I mean pushing Sanji in the way."_

" _ **Honor among**_ _thieves,"_ Soundbite muttered, albeit with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Jabra frowned in confusion. "That's weird…"

Fukuro cocked an eyebrow absentmindedly. "Eh? How so? Pirates betray pirates every day."

"Most pirates, yeah, but as much as the World Government denies it, we've been steadily shown proof positive that the Straw Hats aren't normal pirates. They wouldn't normally _do_ something like this." Jabura rubbed his thumb over his braided beard. "Ergh, something's not right here…" He promptly snapped his fingers at Fukuro. "When you get that intel for Kalifa, share it with me as well."

The Silent Owl snapped a thumbs-up as he swapped out the rolodex for a new one. "Got it."

" _Yeah, that kind of a reaction is a surprise, even coming from those two. But hey,"_ It was evident that Cross had just shrugged. " _I guess tempers are high. But geeze, that old geezer is nimble… uh-oh. Crap, Zoro's vulnerable!"_

" _We're gonna win 'pu!"_

" _USOPP POUND!"_ Soundbite suddenly barked out in the voice of the crew's sniper.

"… _Or not 'pu._ Wow, _was that unlucky."_

" _Ha! Death and a giant hammer from above from our sniper! One well-tossed ring… and it's over! Two for two, the Straw Hat Pirates win!"_

"YOYOI, VICTORY! VICTORY!" Kumadori danced around, cheering at the top of his lungs. Jabra didn't object this time, too distracted eyeing Fukuro's suddenly intensified focus on one of his cards.

"… _Well, congratulations. I'd recommend you head back to the rest of your crew, we'll send those four along 'pu. Those fireworks don't come out often; it seems that the Baron will be holding a dinner party to celebrate your victories 'pu. I hope you enjoy it. After you've eaten, you'll face me in the final Ordeal of Hell 'pu."_

" _Oh, just one more?"_

" _Yes. Pass the final Ordeal, and you can enjoy all that the master of this island has to offer his guests 'pu."_

" _Fine by me! Well, I'll see you then, Gappa!… Uh, Soundbite? Something on your mind?"_

" _EH?_ _ **Ah… nothing, nothing, I JUST THOUGHT…**_ _I'm fine,_ **I THINK THE** FIREWORKS SCREWED ME UP **a bit is all."**

" _Well, if you say so."_

"Is it just me, or did that sound very particularly ominous to anyone else, yoyoi?" Kumadori glanced at his comrades warily.

"Eh, what's the worst that could happen? Glorified goldfish catching and glorified ring-tossing, I don't think this baron's that big of a threat to the likes of them," Jabra waved his hand dismissively, although the tension in his body language said otherwise.

After a minute of no reply, he looked up, to see Fukuro dialing on another snail, a look of unease on his face. "You find something?"

The team's resident gossip hound snapped a card up for Jabra to see.

The wolf-man gave the punchcard a once-over—

" _SHIT!"_

Before snatching the card out of Fukuro's hand and Shaving the hell out of the room, making tracks for Spandam's office.

Kumadori swapped his confused gaze between the door and his rotund friend before crossing his arms with a huff. "Well, now I just feel left out, yoyoi~…"

**-o-**

For the first time in a long time, the Big Top was absolutely silent, the Buggy Pirates (plus one) hanging onto every word coming out of their Transponder Snail's mouth. Well, that, and sneaking nervous glances towards their captain, who was pacing the deck like a caged tiger. Every so often he would pause, look into the distance, and mutter to himself before continuing to wear a groove in the deck. It was almost as spooky as the SBS, and though their captain didn't abuse his crew nearly as often these days, no one wanted to provoke his temper.

"… _Well, it's official. For all of Baron Omatsuri's…shall we say, 'advanced age', the resort_ does _seem to be everything promised. I'm seeing pools, I'm seeing gourmet drinks… heck, here's XXX relaxing by a pool with a gourmet drink! Where'd you get that particular delicacy, XXX?"_

" _ **Muchigoro provided it. Apparently, it's a custom of the island for him to serve our every command for losing the game. Unfortunately, he seems to be a little drunk presently.**_ "

" _YOU WOULDN'T_ have anything to do with that, **would you?** " Soundbite asked dryly.

" _ **Oh, come now, would I do that?**_ "

" _Obvious answer is obvious,"_ Cross chuckled. " _Anyway, where's everyone else?"_

" _ **Chopper wandered off to explore a while ago, and Lassoo wandered off in search of the quietest and most comfortable place he could find to relax, citing something about the 'servants making his skin crawl'. Vivi is enjoying the royal treatment in the spa with Carue watching over her, Luffy ran off after someone with a toothbrush mustache who was throwing stones at him, and Conis has apparently lost track of her fox, and is searching for her. Also… not that I'm complaining, Soundbite, but you're being rather quiet.**_ "

" _HUH?_ Oh, yeah… _**sorry,"**_ Soundbite apologized with a wince. " **I... everything's kind of BLURRY** _ **RIGHT NOW…**_ "

"… _ **Cross, I don't think Soundbite is well."**_ Even through the blurring, the concern in the mystery crewmate's voice was obvious.

" **I FEEL FINE!"** Soundbite barked indignantly before shifting his glance to the side. " _ **It's just my powers feel…**_ **screwy.** I…I'm still trying _TO FIND BOSS_ _ **AND THE TDWS…"**_

" _See? No need to worry about it, he's fine. He'll be back to his normal self in no time. Anyway, gotta go; enjoy your lounging, XXX."_

"Since when is Cross that dim?" Alvida muttered to herself. "His partner feels strange and yet he brushes it off like it's nothing?"

"Not to mention that lack of concern for the dugongs," Cabaji commented. "After all of those lines from earlier on friendship and unity, that's not even remotely in character for him."

" **Ah… yeah, if you say so…"** Soundbite ultimately agreed, if somewhat uncertainly. " **OH, HEY, XXX, BEFORE** _ **we go, you're**_ SURE YOU _haven't seen_ _ **CHOPPER ANYWHERE?"**_

" _ **Hm? Not since he wandered off, no. Why do you ask?"**_

"… **No reason."**

A vocal equivalent of a shrug. " _ **If you say so. I may go out for a bit myself later; Muchigoro told me of a species of flower that only grows on this island, the Lily Carnation.**_ "

"What's that, a cross-breed between—?" Mohji started to ask.

"WHAT?! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!"

Everyone present looked back at Buggy, and recoiled; the clown looked absolutely horrified. The next second, he leapt for the receiver, and began dialing.

"What are you doing, Buggy?" Alvida asked, honest concern in her voice.

"WHAT THE FLASHY HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M CALLING THE SBS!"

"C-Captain?" Cabaji asked hesitantly.

"I've been to that island before, Cabaji…" Buggy grimly bit out. "I've tried to forget that day ever happened and I've been denying it this entire time, I thought that first name was just a coincidence, I _prayed_ , but that second name, that _name…_ " The Clown Pirate shuddered in horror. "I need to call the Straw Hats and warn them! Warn them that that Island is nothing more than a trap, one of the most dangerous traps in all of the Grand Line! A trap so vile, so utterly _horrific_ that it put me off of the Grand Line and forced me to settle for the _fucking_ East Blue!"

"And you want to call the Straw Hats and warn them about that because…?"

Buggy pinned Alvida with a glare so intense that she actually took a step back. "Because as I escaped from that hell, I made the mistake of looking back. I saw what that… that _place_ did to my crewmates and it has haunted my nightmares, the nightmares of a man who's seen everything the Grand Line has to offer, ever since. What I saw…" Buggy grit his teeth, an audible grinding noise issuing out as he threw a haunted stare at the snail. "I may be a right flashy bastard, but I'd like to imagine that I still have _some_ semblance of a soul. No one deserves that hell. Not even the Straw Hats."

**-o-**

" _Ah, there you are, Vivi! Enjoying the royal treatment, your majesty?"_

" _Quite so, Mister Jeremiah,"_ came Vivi's voice, unusually imperialistic. " _Their XXX Island masque is making me feel truly alive. Perhaps you should sample it; it's herbal and made from the local flowers. Whether you do or not, I've really missed this, I haven't had a good royal spa treatment since before I left home."_

" _Same heah. These guys know how tah tweat a duck as good as Alabasta did!"_

"Hey, Pops…" Kohza slowly glanced at his commander in chief with a wary expression. "Correct me if I'm wrong… but I _do_ remember Vivi hating spa treatments to high heaven and Carue being right there with her, right?"

"Yes, but that was two years ago. Considering the fax— _ahem,_ mah, mah, _MAH!_ Considering the fact that they spent two years undercover as assassins and had to leave the country immediately after their labors bore fruit, I don't find it strange that either of them would want to take advantage of it when the chance is presented to them," Igaram replied before Cobra could. "I know that I certainly did."

"That's plausible, Igaram, but what I find strange is that she said that her masque came from local flowers, when they established that the only flower that they've seen is the talking one on the Baron's shoulder," Chaka noted with an uncomfortable frown.

" _Well, the results may be good, but I'm not sure the way you look right now is worth it,"_ Cross said cheekily. " _I don't think the green and gray really match your hair."_

" _The process might be ugly, Mister Jeremiah, but I_ assure you _that the results will be worth it…"_

"And she would know that _how_ , exactly?" Pell wondered.

"Well, Miss Monday talked her into trying one out. And… it took her about two months to forgive me for screaming when I saw them."

"Who, the assassin or Vivi?"

"Yes."

" _ **I sure**_ _hope so; OTHERWISE,_ **YOU'LL HAVE LESS dignity** THAN _**NAMI!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly. " **HOOHOOHOO** _HEEHEEHEE_ —!"

" _Watch your tongue, Soundbite,"_ Vivi cut him off, her tone suddenly as hard as granite. "Or else."

"HAHA— _HURK!?_ _ **WHAT THE FUCK, VIVI!?"**_

"What the hell!?" Kohza jerked forwards, staring at the snail in shock and horror, his expression mirrored throughout the royal master bedroom. "W-What—was that _Vivi!?"_

"There is no way in the _world_ that my daughter would be so harsh over anything so trivial!" Cobra barked harshly, before turning towards his Captain of the Guard with a disturbed expression. "Or… is there, Igaram?"

"I-I don't believe so, your majesty," Igaram stammered. "Even in her persona as Miss Wednesday, even when she had to act cold and cruel, she was never even _remotely_ that… that _glacial_. T-This shift in her attitude, I-I-I cahn't— _ahem,_ mah, mah, _MAH!_ —can't even begin to explain it!"

Meanwhile, one voice on the other end of the connection was disturbingly undisturbed by the princess' coldness. " _Well! There's more proof that you should never come between a woman and her beauty!"_ Cross said cheerfully. " _Well, we've got to be going, more crewmates to see, after all. Enjoy the spa!"_

" _That I will, Mister Jeremiah,"_ Vivi sighed in contentment. " _That I will…"_

" _Take aww the time you need, Cwoss, aww the time you need. Meanwhiwe, ah'll be enjoying theshe dewicious apewitifs!"_

" _Well, alright, then! See you!"_ And with that, Cross apparently left the room, but the conversation was clearly not over.

" _Uh, Cross?"_ Soundbite spoke up through gritted teeth. " _I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE,_ _ **BUT EITHER**_ _**Vivi**_ **really loves her** _ **spa treatments…**_ OR _she's lost it!"_

" _What, you mean how she reacted? Pff, that's probably just how she acts when she really gets to unwind,"_ Cross scoffed dismissively. " _Come on, Soundbite, you're making a big deal out of nothing again! Remember that time you thought that salesman was part of the Snail Illuminati?"_

" **I STILL HOLD THAT THAT** MOLLUSK WAS _SPEAKING IN CODE!"_

"What does it say about the Straw Hats that the term 'Snail Illuminati' doesn't even faze me?" Chaka asked dryly.

"Nothing we didn't know already," Pell replied just as dryly. "And… considering the spa treatment and the fact that this is Soundbite we're talking about, perhaps Vivi's reaction is reasonable."

Suddenly, the clatter of sandals and talons running on tile erupted over the connection.

" _Get back heyah, would ya!? Wait up!"_

" _HELP! GIANT DUCK, GIANT DUCK!"_

There was a brief moment of silence as the ruckus faded into the distance before Cross chuckled in amusement. " _Well, it seems that when he really wants to, that duck is capable of living up to his species' name."_ There was a moment of silence. " _What? Come on, Soundbite, that was funny!"_

"EH?" Soundbite turned an inquisitive eye towards, presumably, Cross. His other was pre-occupied with swinging back and forth nervously. " **Uh, yeah, sure, W-WHATEVER YOU SAY,** _ **HAHA."**_

The Alabastans, meanwhile, were fully aware of the discrepancy that Soundbite had merely suspected.

"Carue… left Vivi alone?" Igaram breathed in disbelief. "For _food?"_

"Alright, that's it," Cobra growled, snapping up from where he'd been sitting. "Something is visibly _rotten_ in the city of Mariejois, and I mean beyond the usual decay. Call Sabo at once and let him know that I need to speak with Dragon _immediately."_

**-o-**

" _Now then, where to next, where to ne—Oh, hey, Conis! Eesh, you look freaked, what's wrong?"_

" _Oh, hello, Cross. Howlit—er, I mean, Lassoo wandered out an hour or two ago, saying that he needed some air, and that the staff were kind of creeping him out. Then, when he didn't come back, Su told me that she was going to go looking for him. But she hasn't come back either. Soundbite, can you hear her?"_

" _AH…_ _ **ergh, damn it… I'm sorry,**_ _CONIS; my hearing_ **is messed up,** _ **FUZZIER THAN**_ **SU** AFTER A BATH."

" _Eh, don't worry, Conis, Lassoo probably just fell asleep, and I bet Su is just enjoying the chance to explore an exotic location without the the spectre of certain death looming overhead."_

" _Cross, can you please try to be at least a little more serious here? Soundbite can't hear anything, and some of our crew is missing!"_

" _SHE HAS_ **a point, dude! LOOK, I WANTED A VACATION AS** MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT _**THIS ISLAND HAS**_ **FELT** OFF _since we landed!_ _ **And with**_ **everything that's been** _HAPPENING—!"_

" _Oh, psh, is that all?"_ Cross scoffed nonchalantly. " _Come off it, do you really think I haven't noticed the weird vibes this place is giving off? I can be thick, but I'm not_ Luffy _thick. It's obvious that this place is weird, but it can't be anything worse than a glorified Davy Back Fight, so really there's nothing to worry about!"_

" _But if this is another trap like back on Long Ring Long, doesn't that make it doubly important that we break out of it as soon as possible before we're irreversibly snared!?"_ Conis demanded.

" _Why should we? The benefits of getting into it are currently outdoing the costs by a pretty hefty margin, and by broadcasting this my show'll get tons of viewers! Plus, there's no risk of losing one of our crew forever this time, right?"_

" **Speak for yourself…"**

" _Eh?"_

"N-NOTHING!"

" _If you say so."_

"You know, it's obvious that he wants to be heard, that's no surprise, but when did he care this much about increasing his viewer were?" Paulie wondered.

"I'm more worried about how callous and oblivious he's being," Iceburg said with a frown. "His crewmates are acting abnormally, and yet he's just treating it like some harmless game. He only does that when it's only _him_ in danger, or he has things under control, neither of which appear to be the case here. The only reason I can think of would be if something was blatantly wrong with him, and if so it appears to have extended to the rest of the crew as well."

"Which… is bad," Kaku summarized flatly.

The chief of Galley-La nodded solemnly. "Very, _very_ bad."

" _Anyway, if there's nothing else, let's just go meet the others outside,"_ Cross continued in an entirely too casual tone. " _Easy money says that the others are getting impatient, and besides, Su and Lassoo are bound to show up for dinner, right?"_

" _Mmmph… well, that's a good point…"_ Conis conceded, though by her tone she clearly disagreed. " _Alright, which way is it, exactly?"_

As the broadcast devolved back into simple walking and idle conversation, Kalifa cracked open the back door, looking distinctly ill at ease. Kaku, Lucci, and Blueno noticed, and surreptitiously moved out the door to join their comrade.

"What's the matter?" Kaku muttered as he maintained a subtle watch on their erstwhile colleagues.

The female agent shook her head as she shuffled the papers she was practically strangling. "I've searched records thoroughly, I've asked everyone I can, I've even…" She hazarded a glance at where the rest of the company was before dropping her voice. " _Called Enies_ for intelligence on this Baron Omatsuri."

"And?" Blueno asked.

"The most recent records of anyone with that name are of a pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates. They sailed the seas for decades, but then disappeared without a trace." She looked at each of her comrades in turn, a panicked glint behind her glasses. "The issue with that particular identification is that the date they disappeared was _two years before Roger's execution._ "

**-o-**

" _Hey, everyone, how's it going?"_ Cross asked cheerily.

" _Read the mood, asshole,"_ snarled several voices, of a quality that made the listeners stiffen in unwilling anticipation. It was best compared to a barrel of chlorine trifluoride hovering over a glacier; frigid, but one push away from a superheated and incredibly toxic explosion. Soundbite whimpered audibly.

"Wow, I haven't seen a mood that bad since—"

Drake cut himself off at the twin glares Jonathan and Jessica were giving him. "Since never! Never seen any mood that bad, nope!" he hastily amended, cold sweat cascading down his temples.

" _Ooh, tough crowd,"_ Cross drawled, albeit with a hint of mischief in his voice. But not his usual mischief; rather than being playful and fun, this tone was more… dark. _Cruel,_ even. " _Why so serious, guys? What, are we not having fun here? I know that I sure am, and hopefully my viewers are too! Uh… where's Chopper?"_

" _Oh, he told Robin he'd be back soon, so he should—"_

" _There's no way in hell that I can have any kind of 'fun' with this big-mouthed long-nosed traitor even remotely nearby,"_ Nami growled venomously.

" _Damn it, what did I even do, Nami?!"_ Usopp plaintively demanded.

" _You know damn well, you_ bastard," the navigator hissed.

" _No! I don't! And yeah, I know my parents never married, but that bastard line is uncalled for!"_

" _What did you do to Nami-swan, Usopp? She wouldn't lie,"_ Sanji snarled.

" _Idiot cook, she lies all the time if it'll get her another beri,"_ Zoro growled back, black hatred coloring his voice.

" _SAY THAT AGAIN, SHITTY MOSSHEAD!"_ Sanji roared.

" _She. Lies. All. The—"_

" **GUYS, KNOCK IT** _OFF ALREADY!"_

" _The snail's right, this is just sad."_

" _Thank you, Cross,"_ Conis sighed in relief.

" _Seriously, can't you two come up with some new material?"_ Cross complained in what appeared to be all sincerity. " _I mean, 'Cook' and 'Mosshead' have been done to death, why not do something original, eh?"_

" _STOP HELPING, CROSS!"_ Conis promptly pleaded.

" _Eesh, you try and lend a hand and all you get in return is—"_

" _MISTER JEREMIAH!"_

" _GAH! What, Vivi—whoa, hello, fashion horror show, there appears to be something on your—"_

" _The Baron cut my spa treatment short because of the dinner party that he's about to throw us. I was enjoying myself more than I have for the last two years!"_

"The new recruits won't be happy to hear that," Drake muttered.

Jonathan did not reply, too focused on what was coming out of his snail's mouth. The intent stare his face had morphed into discouraged anyone from interrupting him.

" _Well, you can hardly blame_ me _for his scheduling and policies,"_ Cross waved her off indifferently.

" _I'm not, that would be unfair,"_ Vivi reassured him before her entire expression swapped to apoplectic fury. " _I'm blaming you because it's your fault that I can't take my sweet time enjoying a spa treatment back in Alabasta, WHERE I'D BE TREATED PROPERLY LIKE THE ROYALTY I AM!"_

There was a moment of tense, frigid silence, filled only with harsh, rapid breathing.

Ultimately, however, the silence was broken with a single smug phrase.

" _Don't you mean 'was'?"_

And down went the barrel.

" _DAMN IT_ , _CROSS!"_ Conis cried out.

And from there the situation only devolved further, entirely dominating the SBS. It was almost as though Cross had forgotten that the microphone was on. That, or he just didn't care who heard the strife that was afflicting the crew. The blurred voice that they knew to be Nico Robin seemed to be the only one still calm, trying to ask Luffy to calm them down. Before the captain could make any headway, however, the sound of drums rang out.

"Okay, did Cross get his brain replaced while no one was looking?" Holger incredulously demanded. "Ever since day one of the SBS, he's been almost as pissed off about Princess Vivi's situation as the princess herself! This isn't a personality shift, this is a complete transplant!"

"It makes about as much sense as anything else that's been going on right now," Cormac replied with a grimace.

"Quiet," Jonathan snapped. Both officers promptly shut up, and all present in the room quieted as the Vice Admiral began pushing around pieces on his chessboard.

Sadly, the reality of the situation was brought back to the fore by the mocking voice of the island's master.

" _Now, now, now, what's with all of this arguing I thought that a crew as united as yours go along well?"_ Baron Omatsuri drawled.

" _Oh, spare us the wisecracks,"_ Zoro shot back venomously.

" _Yeah, so we're going through a rough patch, big whoop."_ The nonchalant shrug in Cross's voice was plain to hear, as was the newfound darkness in Omatsuri's chuckle.

" _As you wish. I will now entertain you all with a private dinner party!"_

Henrick glanced around nervously as the sound of shifting water sounded out. "I'm not the only one who's disturbed by just how evil this guy suddenly sounds, right?"

"Is it sudden, or is he just no longer bothering to put on a ruse?" Holger asked right back.

" _Well, is there no end to the surprises on this island?"_ Cross whistled in awe. " _It would appear that even this seemingly innocuous pond is capable of turning into—"_

" _I present to you the outdoor iron-griddle restaurant!"_

"— _yes, that. Omatsuri's chef is standing on the griddle, which is now on fire, wearing skates that seem to be made out of lard and carrying a pair of… what are those, pizza paddles?"_

" _They're spatulas, actually, custom made for my head chef, Kotetsu!"_ Omatsuri stated.

" _Got it."_

"I can only pray, _pray_ that they'll be able to get over whatever problems are making them act like this long enough to have a good meal," Jessica pleaded, more to herself than anyone.

[That's assuming that they haven't drugged the food,] Isaiah cut in, writing out the same words on the notepad he had before him. Jessica grimaced as she saw it.

"Drugs… or something stronger," Jonathan muttered.

"What was that, Commander?" Henrick asked hesitantly.

Jonathan positioned the last piece on his board before resting his head in his hands. "Of the present Straw Hats, the only ones that are not acting extremely out of character are the captain, Soundbite, Nico Robin, and Conis. In short, the ones unaffected are the ones that are not normal humans, with 'normal' being relative."

"But isn't Cross's physiology abnormal, too?" Drake questioned.

[YES, BUT HE'S DIFFERENT IN THAT HE'S SOMEHOW LESS _POWERFUL_ THAN THE REST OF THE CREW! ERGO, IT'S AS THOUGH HE'S BEING HIT BY A SEAKING!] Terry furiously squawked and slashed into a notepad.

" _And now whole carts of food are being tossed into the air and—diced up long before they hit the grill. And now comes the shuffling around."_

" _This is actually pretty impressive…"_ Conis mused absentmindedly.

" _Yeah, but it's a slippery slope, Conis,"_ Cross warned. " _It's a good performance, but if any food's wasted then the whole spectacle is pointless."_

" _Well, either way, it looks yummy!"_ Luffy cried out.

" _Yes, it does—oh, what's this? Oh, my, Sanji's just jumped onto the grill."_

" _Luffy… I'm about to make you a shitty meal 100 times better than what this fatass is making!"_ Sanji declared. " _I'll put on a show for you all that none of you will ever forget!"_

" _Heh. I don't have any ingredients for you to use,"_ came an unfamiliar voice that could only be Kotetsu.

" _Then I'll just… TAKE YOURS!"_

" _Well, this promises to be exciting!... Though our audience seems to be missing a member. Hey, did anyone see where Vivi went?"_

" _I think she said something about 'going to find that damn duck' before stalking off,"_ Usopp provided.

" _Eh, her loss. 'Sides, her harping was starting to get really irritating."_

"Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense," Jessica said.

"What? I thought we'd already established that a lot of the crew is acting way out of—"

"Not _that,_ Holger," Jessica cut in. "I'm referring to the fact that aside from the princess with her spa treatment and the duck with the food platter, none of the Straw Hats have eaten up to this point, so they _couldn't_ have been drugged through any gastronomic means. So how could whatever's been making them go insane have gotten into their systems?!"

" _Well! Looks like we have a cooking duel on our hands, ladies and gentleman! The two of them are staring each other down… and they're off! They're rushing towards the ingredients, and they've both seized a sizable portion to work with, though Kotetsu managed to get away with more of it."_

"But that's the only explanation!" Cormac started to protest before trailing off thoughtfully. "Unless… w-what if it's airborne or something? Like a toxin or a gas or—?"

_SLAM!_

The Marines jumped almost a foot off the air and stared at their commanding officer in shock.

Jonathan was scowling grimly, driving the black queen so hard into the board that both it and the desk beneath were starting to crack.

"Pollen," he spat. "It's the _flower."_

**-o-**

" _And now we see the differentiation in approach between the two chefs!"_ Cross announced proudly, at least a hint of his old self entering his voice. " _Kotetsu is mixing his portion in with a large helping of noodles, while Sanji has prepared a thick and rich broth for the food to marinate in… and what's this? Oh, I was wrong, it's not broth. It's_ batter _! He's making a pancake!"_

"Pancakes for dinner? The brat must have lost his mind out there on the high-seas!" Patty chortled for a second before he was cut off by a dope slap courtesy of Carne.

"Less backseat-cooking, more _real-life_ cooking! This marathon might be insane, but it's still managing to whip up a massive dinner rush!" the shorter chef barked. "Besides, pancakes are great for dinner!"

"Where, Podunk, South Blue?"

"I'll have you know that Podunk was a _respectable_ community, and that—!"

_THWACK-WHACK!_

"OW!" the belligerent chefs chorused as they clutched their skulls.

"If you can't keep up the pace while listening, then I will _fry_ this snail myself, you hear me?" Zeff growled as he loomed behind the two, the snail flinching in fear. "Now come on!" He slid two dozen plates of beautifully designed food before them. "Order up!" The head chef then turned his attention to the snail as he got back to work. After all, he could do this in his sleep, quite literally.

" _Go, Sanji! You're looking great! Do your best!"_ Nami cheered.

" _Keep it up, Sanji! Go, go, go!"_ Usopp concurred.

A moment later, however, both voices fell silent.

" _Oh, dear, it seems that our navigator and sniper are still angry with each other. What a pity,"_ Cross remarked, the dark humor returning full-force.

" _Cross, can't you do something about them? S-Something to actually_ help _them? Now Nami's just walking away to sit next to that fish keeper, and Usopp's wandering into the forest,_ " Conis said worriedly.

" _Oh, don't worry so much, Conis. They'll get over it with a little time alone. And honestly, it's sort of cute watching them fight."_

" _C-Cute?"_ Conis repeated in disbelief. " _Cross—!"_

" _OYSTER SAUCE!"_

" _Oh, hold that thought!"_ Cross said.

" _SEAWEED FLAKES!"_

" _Looks like Kotetsu is finishing up his dish!"_

" _And with a dash of red, pickled ginger, my - Island yakisoba will be complete! Bon appetit!"_

"Sounds like they made an awesome dish!" Patty commented as he returned to his station.

"Yeah, too bad Sanji's going to upstage him without a sweat!" Carne cackled eagerly.

Zeff smirked slightly, lowering his peg-leg from it's pre-whack position.

" _Well, well, that's quite the appealing pasta dish—wait, what the hell—whoa!"_

" _Thanks for the ingredients!"_ Sanji called out.

"… _One of these days, I'm going to have to ask just how thoroughly that old man trained him. Viewers, Sanji just gathered up all of that pasta, meat and all, with a giant pair of chopsticks, rolled it into a ball, and tossed it into the air. And now… he's flipping that pancake of his up and on top of it?"_

" _Super-thick sauce! A layer of mayonnaise. Aaand… as the veil-like bonito flakes dance in the air, my modan yaki is complete."_ The drumbeats stopped. " _That's how it's done!"_

" _Go, Sanji, go! Looks like Kotetsu wasn't expecting to be outdone…_ ooh, _and he just fell onto his hands and knees in disbelief, on the griddle. That's going to leave a mark."_

" _Sweet Conis, did you see my demonstration of cooking skills?"_ Sanji purred.

" _Y-Yes, that was… very impressive,"_ Conis said uncertainly, her discomfort plainly audible.

" _Alright, how about serving up some of that—um. Alright, Luffy has reached a new low in table manners; he literally just dove into the food like it was a swimming pool. I'm not sure how I feel about eating that now…"_

" _FOR ONCE,_ _ **I'm not sure**_ I want any **either,** " Soundbite muttered.

" _I believe I've lost my appetite, too,"_ Conis queasily agreed.

" _Hey, Zoro, wake up! The food is ready!"_ Luffy called.

" _Food? Oh, good, I'm starving_."

"You think it's out of character for Sanji to try feeding Zoro food that their captain dove into?"

"No, that seems about par for the course."

"Patty, Carne, as entertaining as this is, do I need to remind you that we have—"

" _You were asleep, so you can go hungry."_

" _Huh?"_

" _Anyone who doesn't cheer for me doesn't have the right to eat._ "

_CRASH!_

The cookware in Zeff's hands fell to the ground and shattered as he gaped at the Transponder Snail in stunned horror.

"O-OWNER ZEFF!"

"Sanji… he would never say that. Not in a thousand years, not if his life depended on it, not if every woman in the _world_ begged him to say it," Zeff breathed, sinking to his knees in shock.

"Something's not right here, something's _really_ not right!" Patty growled furiously.

Apparently, the chefs of the Baratie weren't the only ones to share this opinion.

**-o-**

" _ **HAVE YOU LOST—**_ **MMPH!?"** Soundbite's panicked protests were suddenly silenced without warning.

" _Be_ quiet, _you little pest, before I bash your teeth in!"_

"What. The damn. Hell," Smoker grit out slowly, his cigars _very_ swiftly burning down to nubs.

"D-Did Cross just—?!" Tashigi stammered in near-panic, unable to believe her ears.

" _M-Mmph!?"_ Soundbite mumbled out with just as much incredulity.

" _Come on, dumbass, don't you realize it yet? I don't know what the heck's going on here, but I do know that it's dramatic straight out the wazoo! The messier this gets, the more viewers_ I'll _get, so don't ruin this for me, got it!?"_

"B-BUT, _**but—!"**_

" _Now shut up, we're missing some prime material here."_

"He's out of his fucking mind," Smoker numbly summarized.

"H-He has to have a _reason—!"_ Tashigi started to stammer, only to be interrupted by a sound coming over the Transponder Snail's connection.

" _Cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click, cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click."_

It took the ensign a moment to decipher what she was hearing, but once she did she paled in horror. "That's an SOS…" she breathed, barely able to believe what she was saying. "S-Soundbite's using his teeth to send an SOS. He-He's scared for his life… Scared of _Cross…"_

_SLAM!_

Tashigi nearly jumped clear out of her seat as Smoker slammed his fist onto the table.

"Enough is enough," he growled viciously. "Damn secrecy and damn the rest of MI4. We're ending this shitshow _now._ Call the snail, with any luck he'll have the presence of mind to blur our voices."

Nodding frantically, Tashigi swept up the Transponder Snail's mic and tapped in the long-since memorized number—

_**!́̀͡-̴͏̡̛M͟͟҉͠Y̸̕͢͠͞ ̡̕F̴̕Ų̷̴̀N̡҉̷̸͠ ̵̧͞M҉͏̧͞Y͏̛͠͠͡ ̨͞T͘҉̛͢O͢͞Ý̡S̢̀̀͢͝ ̴̷̢̧͜M̨͘Y̷͝ ͜͜F̴͡O̸͏̢Ǫ̨͡͠͏D͘͡ ҉̴̸͠G̶O̶̶҉͘ ͞͏Ą̵̀̕Ẃ̛͘͠Ą̷̛͠Ý̵̨̛-̸̢͡!̴̡̕͜͠** _

Only to shriek and fumble the Snail's mic when a roar/shriek/ _blast_ of unholy _sound_ tore its way from the poor Snail's mouth; it promptly fainted into unconsciousness, foam bubbling out of its mouth the instant its task was completed.

The two Marines stared at the Snail in horror for a moment before chorusing a singular thought.

" _Shit."_

**-o-**

"Come on, captain, _think!_ You know the names, you know you know them, and he's even given us some descriptions, too!"

"Muchigoro, the loach-human with the giant pet goldfish!"

"Gappa, the young gunner who looks like a kappa!"

"The Four Wise Men, or Three Men and one Woman!"

"Kotetsu, the theatrical chef built like a freakin' ox!"

"Come on, is _any_ of this ringing a bell!?"

"Aaaaargh, yes, they're ringing _plenty!"_ Shanks snarled as he paced back and forth, his hand desperately hammering against his forehead. "But none of it is actually making any _sense!_ I _recognize_ the names, I know _details_ about them, like how Kerojii can drink like a fiend or how Muchigoro can't hold his alcohol worth shit—!"

"Focus!" Benn barked.

"But _none_ of it has any context!" Shanks flung his arm up in desperation. "I don't know _how_ I know them, I don't know _where_ I know them from…"

"… _Alright, now things are getting a bit weird; every single one of the candles for the party just went out at the same time… and looking more closely, it seems that our crew has been brought down to six."_

" _ **S-Seven—**_ "

" _We'll compromise at six and a quarter, now_ shh. _This is turning… interesting."_

Soundbite whimpered. " **V-Viewers?** _ **C-CROSS CAN'T**_ hear me _SAYING THIS…_ **BUT HE'S lost his mind…** _ **I'm scared…**_ "

Shanks snarled and raked his fingers through his hair. "But damn it all, I _need_ to find out why I get a sickening feeling of _wrongness_ in my gut every time the baron talks! Before this gets any worse than it already is!"

" _And what's this?"_

" _ **AAAAAAHHHH!"**_

" _GEEZE, you stupid snail, why—whoa, Muchigoro… OK, so that reaction was understandable. They really take the plant motif seriously here, he's turned purple, and shriveled up like a dried reed,"_ Cross whistled in awe.

" **H-He was** _rambling about_ A STORM—"

Cross cut him off with a malevolent grin. " _And meanwhile, the rest of our crew is arguing about what to do next."_

" _I told you to keep an eye on them!"_ Sanji barked.

" _They aren't kids! I can't keep tabs on them all day long!"_ Zoro shot back.

" _Five of our crew disappeared, and nobody noticed?"_

" **I-I noticed!** _ **I-I-I tried to SAY SOMETHING,**_ _BUT—!"_

" _But why are we just now noticing?!"_ Nami demanded.

" _Because none of you are listening!"_ Conis pleaded. " _Please, stop arguing, we need to—!"_

" _Luffy…"_ Conis choked at the sheer icy _malice_ dripping from Sanji's words. " _What are you going to do? You're the one who got us into this."_

" _Sanji—"_ Nami started.

" _You're the one who decided to come to this island!"_

" _Stop it! This isn't the time!"_ Nami protested, though it seemed halfhearted.

"AGH! What is it?! How can I not remember—?!"

_THWACK!_ THUD!

All of the Red-Haired Pirates gaped, while the world's greatest swordsman inspected Yoru's hilt and began plucking away the few red hairs that had stuck to it.

"Less subtlety than I prefer, but when all else fails…" Mihawk grunted.

Shanks slowly got back to his feet, his face somewhere between a grimace and a smirk. "Screw subtle, that actually _worked!_ I remember now: Baron Omatsuri was Captain 'Red Baron' Omatsuri, captain of the Red Arrow Pirates! I met them once while I was still sailing with Captain Roger! We met them a couple of years before we reached Raftel, we had a great party, we parted ways on good terms and—!" Shanks' jubilant expression promptly froze before turning ashen. "And… And they got caught in the mother of all storms… a storm so violent… it picked up their ship and flung it clean over the Red Line, back into Paradise… there… there were no survivors…"

"Well, it seems that reports—" Mihawk began.

"—Of their deaths were greatly exaggerated," most of the Red-Hair Pirates intoned together.

"Story of my life…" Shanks grumbled with a roll of his eyes before grinning viciously. "Well, either way, it doesn't matter! Now that we have a name, we can call Luffy and—!"

" _That's what started all of this… Luffy, this is your fault."_

" _SANJI!"_ Conis shrieked in offense. The fact that she was the _only_ one who protested was telling in the extreme.

And just like that everything _froze,_ pirates and Warlords alike staring at the snail in varying degrees of mute shock, the small degree of humor that they had fading away like a candle flame in the ocean.

" _Whoa. Borderline mutinous behavior from our chef,"_ Cross purred. " _Be sure to take it all in, folks. This is some prime quality drama."_

" _Tell me_ **this is** _ **just a NIGHTMARE.**_ **SOMEONE** wake me up! **THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY NUTS!** "

"I'm afraid…" Mihawk grimaced. "It would appear that in this case, this is an instance of what is commonly known as 'too little, too late'."

**-o-**

" _The dinner party is over! The Ordeal of Hell will now resume!"_ Omatsuri's voice suddenly barked. All signs of his previous good cheer were gone, and only frigid, malicious apathy remained. " _Everyone, take your positions. DJ, come forth!"_

" _Good evening 'pu. I'm DJ Gappa. Pleasure to meet you 'pu,"_ came a familiar voice.

"Damn, it's this bastard again," Marco scowled grimly, his attitude mirrored by the rest of his brothers who were listening to the SBS. "He's the one who kickstarted this entire mess in the first place!"

"Don't be too hasty there, Marco," Whitebeard rumbled as he levelled a hard stare at the snail. "This hell didn't start with that young man. He might have planted the seeds of whatever's wrong with Cross, but as a whole?" The half-giant shook his head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that the Straw Hats were ensnared in whatever trap is present on that island the moment they set foot on its shores."

Marco's scowl deepened, but for the life of him he couldn't refute his pop's words.

" _Oh, hey, there's Gappa again,"_ Cross sneered eagerly. " _Looks like it's finally time for the last Ordeal, but Zoro and Sanji seem more concerned about our crewmates that wandered off. Eh, I suppose they do have a point: after all, more crewmates, more participants to enjoy the… wait a minute."_ Cross trailed off as he cocked an eyebrow. " _Hey, Gappa, are you wearing Usopp's hat?"_

The Whitebeards glanced nervously at one another as they processed the turn of events.

"How long ago did Signore Sniper leave?" Vista asked quietly.

"Ten minutes, fifteen tops," Jozu provided with a grimace.

The ramifications of that estimate were left unsaid, though they were clear to all.

" _What?! Hey, that IS Usopp's hat!"_ Sanji barked, which was followed by the sound of something coming unstuck.

" _Ah!_ _Give it back 'pu!"_

" _You bastard… What did you do to Usopp?!"_ Zoro growled menacingly, which prompted the sound of retreating footsteps.

" _D-Don't worry. Your friends are still on the island 'pu. If you want to see them, try and find them 'pu."_

" _Ah, so that's where everyone is, I should have suspected it,"_ Cross stated casually, not so much as a hint of concern for his comrades present in his voice. " _Well, looks like the kid gloves have finally come off and it's time for the big beatdown. The sign for the next 'ordeal' is rising up behind the good Baron, and personally, I can't wait to see what he has planned."_

" _You will learn of the fate of your comrades after the next ordeal,"_ Omatsuri stated.

" _Don't give us that crap! Give them back!"_ Sanji ordered.

" _The ordeal comes first,_ " Omatsuri repeated.

"Is this guy serious!?" Namur grunted incredulously.

" _Don't screw with us! Those guys come first!"_ Zoro said.

" _ **The ordeal will come first!"**_ Omatsuri yelled, madness and determination suddenly blazing in his voice.

Edward Newgate clenched his jaw as he processed the raw amount of emotion that had been packed into that phrase. "I think he's more serious than you can possibly imagine…"

" _Well, the Baron is quite insistent about this… and it looks like Zoro and Sanji aren't going to stick around to play his game. HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS—? Ahhh, man, less players, less fun,"_ Cross sighed dejectedly, petulant disappointment coloring his voice. " _Tsk, well, that's too bad. Alright, let's see what the rules are this time…"_

There was an electronic hum of neon igniting, gasps of horror from Soundbite and Conis—

" **Дерьмо!"**

" _Oh, my God…"_

—and the sound of a hundred flintlock rifles cocking in unison.

" _Ah, it's a shooting game."_

It was as though the Whitebeard Pirates, all New World veterans, had suddenly been dunked in ice water.

"Oh, yeah…" 12th Division Commander Haruta realized. "That Gappa guy… he… he said he was a gunner…"

" _There are no rules in this ordeal,"_ the Baron announced. There was no pomp or circumstance in his voice, or even emotion at all for that matter. Merely grim determination. " _My 100 sharpshooters will hunt you. If you believe you can escape them, you can search for your crewmates or do whatever you wish."_

Jozu shook his head in disbelief. "This… This isn't an ordeal, this is a fucking _execution!"_

"No, this is the truth of that island when you strip away its façade," Marco grimly corrected. "Everything before was just trappings and distractions. Now… Now all that's left is its rotten core."

Everything was silent for a moment, then… " _High stakes. Sounds like_ fun!" Cross snickered in a near-demented manner that had Soundbite whimpering.

"'E's not gonna snap out of this any time soon, is 'e?" 7th Division Commander Rakuyo sighed in resignation.

"I sincerely hope so, matters are disturbing enough already…" Vista muttered, miserably massaging his face.

" _Luffy, what do we do?… Luffy?… LUFFY!"_ Nami screamed.

" _Captain, please! Do something!"_ Conis pleaded. " _Cross, don't just stand there! Help me!"_

" _Who do you think's going down first, people?"_ Cross rambled on, ignoring the pleas of his friends. " _My bets are on the rookie. After all, she's still soft. Chopper's got a natural disadvantage, of course—"_

" _Cross, what is wrong with you!? Please, we need help! Why is no one listening to me!?"_

" _ **SOMEONE fucking**_ **HELP!** _ **IT'S OMATSURI ISLAND!**_ **OMATSURI ISLAND!** I DON'T CARE _WHO COMES AT THIS POINT,_ **HEEEEELP**!"

" _You may begin!"_ Omatsuri called out.

The Moby Dick began to shudder as Whitebeard's hold on his temper finally cracked and his powers asserted themselves, waves rising on what had moments ago been a glass-calm sea.

"I may not be able to sink that island from here," he growled, his children inching away from him as his Haki started laying low even the strongest of their number. " _But I am very tempted to try."_

**-o-**

" _I-I'm going off by myself!"_ Nami hissed before the sound of her running came across the speaker.

" _Nami, wait! Nami, NAMI! Nononono—L-Luffy, I'm so, so sorry, but… AGH! Cross, come on, we have to run!_ " Conis cried frantically.

" _What, and miss the beatdown? Are you out of your ditzy airhead mind?! I wouldn't miss this for the w—HEY! LET GO OF ME!"_

" _If I have to drag you out of here to make sure you don't get gunned down because you're too preoccupied to run, then that's what I'll do! Luffy's immune to bullets, he can take care of himself. WE ARE NOT! What kind of a show will it be if we all die?!"_ Conis yelled.

"Better than what we're listening to right now," Gin spat as he fingered the hilts of his tonfa, an action he'd been undertaking since Sanji's blasphemous statement. "Damn it, I was involved in some depraved undertakings while I worked with Krieg, sure, but this? This just takes the _cake."_ He cast a sidelong look at Miss Valentine. "At a guess, I'd say this is like heaven to you?"

The ex-assassin shook her head slowly, her countenance a highly visible green. "I…I'm a sadist on the best of days, but this… I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of my enemies…" she gurgled, obviously fighting to keep her lunch down.

Mister 5 shook his head with a scowl. "I might be somewhat heartless, but even _I_ know that this shit isn't right…" He glanced at Bartolomeo. "Boss, what do you thi—Boss?"

'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, infamous pirate straight out of the East Blue and wanted by the Marines for a bounty just shy of a 100 Million Beris, was slumped on his hands and knees and biting into the collar of his shirt in an effort to restrain his sobs. "Da-Dab id!" he managed to choke out through his tears. "Dey're geddig ribbed abart at da seabs! Dis iz dorture, pure dorture!"

Mr. 5 cocked an eyebrow before starting to turn his head. "I can't understand jack through all that snot. Think you can translate Api— _oh, come on!"_ He slapped a hand to his forehead when he caught sight of the pre-adolescent and her pet dragon, who were in practically the same position. "You don't even know them personally!"

"N-No," Apis shook her head in agreement. "B-But we came r-r-really close, you know!? I-If they'd just left Loguetown a _little_ sooner, I-I'd have probably been saved by them instead of the captain!"

Mr. 5 opened his mouth for a biting remark, but the long pause in the audio, punctuated only by the sounds of running, distant gunshots, and Soundbite's muffled whimpering, was finally broken by Cross speaking.

" _I am… conflicted,"_ he muttered, before restarting his commentary. " _Hmm_ … _alright, so we're running for our lives… possibly trying to find our crewmates in the meantime… but hey, even if it's not the beatdown, this is still good entertainment, right? And it sounds like the shooters are pretty close by now. HEY, GUYS, WE'RE OVER HERE!"_

" _ARE YOU CRAZY?!"_ Conis screamed.

" _What? Are you saying it wouldn't be a good show if we got caught and you had to try fighting them off to save our lives? Action, suspense, violence, explosions… now,_ that's _entertainment!"_

" _ **HE'S LOST IT**_ **worst than** the rest of the CREW!" Soundbite finally burst out, presumably aloud. " **GET ME OUT OF HERE!"**

" _Watch it, you little jackass, or else I'll rip your fucking tongue—!"_

Without warning, a meaty THWACK and a pained " _GAH!"_ sounded out over the connection.

" _Agh, my nose, what the f—! HEY! WHAT THE HELL!?"_

" _I'm so sorry, Cross, I'm so sorry, I'll come back for you, I swear, I swear…"_ Conis babbled frantically, tears obvious in her voice.

" _HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE!_ GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"

" _ **Shut**_ **up!** _ **RUN**_ faster!"

Cross' indignant voice faded into the distance, and the next few minutes were nothing but running and ragged panting, occasionally punctuated by the sound of gunshots in the distance.

Silence reigned on the _Cannibal_ as its crew desperately attempted to come to terms with just what the _hell_ had just happened.

"… So." Goldenweek finally broke the silence, her stoic demeanor still somewhat in place apart from a sheen of cold sweat on her brow. "That just happened."

"…Bastard…"

"Huh?" The painter glanced at her captain in confusion.

"BASTARD!" Bartolomeo repeated, slamming his fist into the Cannibal's railing, a good chunk of which collapsed under the force of the massive barrier that had snapped up around Black Bart's fist.

The crew reeled and stared at their captain in shock.

"B-Boss…" Gin started to stammer out.

"Bad enough that he somehow turned a maverick like Cross into a raving lunatic, bad enough that he abused the bonds of one of the greatest pirate crews to sail the Blue Seas since the Roger Pirates, bad enough that he's a _complete and total fucking monster on his own,"_ Bartolomeo spat acridly before ramping himself up into a froth. " _But I draw the FUCKING line at reducing the great Monkey D. Luffy to being unable to do anything AS HIS CREW FALLS APART AROUND HIM!"_

"The captain's right!"/"That bastard needs to burn!"/"Come on, Straw Hat, snap out of it!"/"Get your crew back!"/"Should we set a course for Omatsuri Island?" agreed the former mafia thugs that had followed Bartolomeo into piracy.

Gin glanced around at his relatively new crewmates before allowing himself a grim smile. "Well, it looks like the crew has spoken… and I can't exactly say that I'm dissatisfied with the decision."

Mr. 5 flicked his nose with a snort. "Ditto."

"Right!" Bartolomeo pumped his fist. "We'll make that Baron wish he never tried hurting the Straw Hats! Everyone, set sail for Omatsuri Island!"

Apis and Goldenweek exchanged flat looks as the rest of the Barto Club roared in agreement before Apis surreptitiously coughed into her fist. "And… which way would that be, exactly?"

The mood promptly fractured as the crew turned their heads to stare at the underage-and-apparently-underage girls.

Goldenweek and Apis gave each other another pair of flat looks. "Morons, the lot of them," Apis declared.

"They'd sink in a week without us," Goldenweek declared before pointing at the snail. "May I suggest that we keep listening in hopes of getting a hint? I suspect it won't be the most enjoyable of endeavors, but it's certainly better than sailing blind in the Grand Line."

The crew glanced at one another before slowly and sheepishly sounding out their agreements.

"Good," Goldenweek nodded before settling down in front of the snail. "Now shut up and pay attention."

On the other end of the line, the Straw Hat's gunner was panting heavily as she ran for her and Soundbite's lives. " _We… We have to keep going—AGH!"_ Conis choked out, followed by what sounded like her tripping. " _Owww… Sorry, Soundbite."_

" _ **PLEASE TELL ME**_ _THAT YOUR ANKLE didn't break!_ **I refuse to die BY STEREOTYPE!"**

" _Ah… no, n-no, I'm fine. It just shocked me is a—wait. Wait, this bit of ground, it feels like…"_ Then came the sound of metallic hinges moving. " _A secret passage?!"_

"I THOUGHT I was hearing **echoes!"**

" _Where do you think it goes?"_

The Transponder Snail winced as a gunshot rang out _far_ too close for comfort. " **WHO CARES!?"**

" _Right, sorry!"_

"Hmph. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have a stupidly perfect escape route show up right when they needed it most," Mr. 5 drawled.

"And you're saying that they _don't_ deserve a Hail Mary at this moment?" Miss Valentine demanded.

"…Point."

There was the sound of Conis sliding into the hole, and the pair were almost home free, but as the hinges started to close…

_BOOM! "AAAHHHHHH!"_

A gunshot, followed by a familiar voice screaming.

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite and Conis exclaimed. There was silence for a few moments, and then the sound of something shifting.

"Wha—CONIS, **what are** _ **you—?"**_

" _He may be out of his mind, but he's still our friend and crewmate. I'm going to see if I can find him. You should be safe here, Soundbite, I'll be back."_

The snail was teary-eyed, but it nodded nonetheless.

" _Good. I'll—"_

Her voice was abruptly stopped by a panicked rustling of claws on stonework, a panicked cry and then…

_KER-CHOW!_ "AH!"

A bullet's report, followed by a cry of pain. But it wasn't Conis' voice. The voice of the one who was shot then came across the line again as a whimper, followed by a kicking sound and a yelp of pain.

" _Su,"_ Conis breathed numbly.

"Those hunters must have used her for target practice," Apis grit out.

A few seconds of silence as that sunk in, and then…

"… _Alright. That's it,"_ Conis said, her voice lifeless.

" _ **C-Conis—**_ **CONIS,** _ **NO!**_ _DON'T GO ANGRY,_ DON'T GO ANGRY!"

The sound of a bazooka cocking came across the connection.

" _Everything_ burns."

What followed next was a screech of rusty hinges, a heavy slamming sound, a series of muffled explosions, and amidst all of it, the sound of Soundbite sobbing uncontrollably.

"How… **How could** _ **this happen?**_ _WHAT HAPPENED_ TO MY _**FRIENDS?!"**_ he wailed.

Silence reigned on the deck as the crew stared at the snail in numb shock. At least, until Miss Goldenweek slowly raised her hand.

"…I realize that this probably isn't the time," the painter started quietly. "But I'd just like to say for the record that Crocodile is probably loving the hell out of this."

**-o-**

"I'm surprised that you're not, as some of my more crass underlings would put it, 'loving the hell out of this', considering that the Straw Hats are the reason you're here in the first place," Magellan rumbled quizzically, his Hydras swaying high above him and perfectly poised to smite or incapacitate anyone who got too unruly, depending on their degree of importance to the World Government.

"I really don't care about that," intoned the only person in all of the Eternal Hell who had not been yelling his head off or otherwise making a racket or riot at the broadcast going on. Oddly, however, he seemed irritated. "Honestly, considering how that outrageous rookie crew has only been getting more outrageous as time goes by, I'm more inclined to hope that they win than lose."

"Oh?" Magellan glanced at him in surprise. "And why would that be?"

Crocodile scoffed as he picked up the shot glass of alcohol the warden had placed just within the bars of his cell and downed it in a single gulp, barely even grimacing as the rancid taste of vinegar hit his palate. After all, it was already leagues better than the usual food he was served. "Because so far, the brat has yet to be truly beaten. So long as Straw Hat remains undefeated, then my defeat can be interpreted not as my fault, but rather due to bad luck and a bad opponent." The ex-Warlord scowled viciously. "If someone beats the brat, then that all goes away."

Magellan raised his eyebrows. "An interesting mindset… and one that I suppose that I can understand."

The warden and the prisoner ended their conversation as they received a reprieve from Soundbite's wailing, which had been continuing on for the last several minutes, in the form of another voice coming across.

" _Ergh… will you… hurry up and quit your bellyaching, slimeball? You're… giving me tinnitus…"_

" _I'm with the puffball on this one, Soundbite. Usually you're a lot more badass than this. If you're this miserable, then we really_ must _be screwed."_

Soundbite hiccupped and gasped in shock. " **S-SU!?** _ **LASSOO!? Y-You're alive!"**_

" _Of—_ ergh!" Su's voice cut off in an agonized wince. " _Of course we are… Lassoo managed to save me from those maniacs while Conis… Conis…"_ The cloud fox trailed off into light sobbing, prompting Lassoo to take up the slack.

" _I grabbed Su and ran into a tunnel that was unearthed while Conis was breaking everything she could. I didn't see what happened to her, but…"_ The dog-gun cut himself off with a shake of his head. " _Not important because we'll save her later. For now, how come you didn't already know that I'd saved Su?"_

Soundbite sniffed as he replied. " _M-MY POWERS_ **HAVE BEEN ON THE** fritz ever since **we got here.** _ **MINOR AT FIRST, NEGLIGIBLE given my range,**_ BUT NOW… NOW I'M AS DEAF AS A MOLE."

" _Watch it."_

" _ **IS NOW EVEN**_ **REMOTELY** _**THE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!?"**_

Lassoo winced and shook his head with a grimace. " _You of all animals should understand using snark as a coping mechanism."_

"I-I-I- _I_ … _Y-Yeah._ _ **A**_ **-Anyway… WHAT DO WE DO** _ **NOW?**_ I MIGHT BE BLIND, _BUT I CAN TELL THAT EVERYONE'S…_ _ **everyone's gone…"**_

"… _tseheheh…"_ Su chuckled weakly. " _It's… a good thing you're not Cross, slimestain…"_

" **WHAT!?"**

" _No, she's right,"_ Lassoo huffed. " _Because you're not Cross, that statement of yours wasn't a guaranteed truth. Now, come on."_ There was a slight scuffle of movement. " _Let's get moving."_

" **Wait!** _ **Don't forget the transceiver!"**_

" _I think we have… more important things to worry about… than your damn show, Soundbite…"_

"YEAH! LIKE MAKING SURE _NO ONE COMES TO THIS HELLHOLE_ _ **without as many details as possible!"**_

The mammals were silent for a moment before Lassoo sighed in defeat. " _I thought I told you it was a_ good _thing you're not always right…"_ he muttered before there was another scuffle. " _Now, let's get going."_

The three talking animals walked on in silence for the next minute or so, making their way through what sounded like a veritable labyrinth of tunnels and caverns. Soon enough, however, the largest of the trio paused and sniffed at the air. " _Wait a second…"_

" _Don't tell me…"_ Su winced. " _The baron's goons?"_

" _No, they smell like… well, you know. No, this person smells like toothpaste and mustache gel."_

"I am so glad I'm not a Zoan," Magellan muttered.

"I'll drink to that," Crocodile agreed as he held his shot glass up and shook it slightly.

"Yeah, yeah, I get the message…"

" _Eh? Did I just hear somethi—WAH!"_ an older man's voice suddenly yelped in shock.

" _Who are you and why should I_ not _turn you into fucking brisket?"_ Lassoo snarled viciously

" **Eh—? W-Wait, WAIT, LASSOO, WAIT, I RECOGNIZE HIM!"** Soundbite hastily spoke up. "HE… _**He's the OLD MAN**_ _FROM BEFORE!_ TH-THE ONE WHO _**GOT ALL**_ **HOPEFUL AFTER WE** _won the_ GOLDFISH **contest!"**

" _Wha—? How could you—no, never mind,"_ the old man promptly pivoted. " _The explanation is 'Devil Fruit', that's all I need to know."_

"Someone who's actually smart enough to realize that, go figure," Crocodile deadpanned.

" _Hmph. Well, whatever and whoever you all are, I'm glad to see you somehow managed to escape the massacre. Here, why don't you come with me? I saved your captain from the Baron, I'll take you to him."_

" _LUFFY'S SAFE?!"_ all three of the animals roared.

" _I… actually didn't catch his name, but if you mean the stubborn boy in the straw hat, then yes, that's him. It was a close thing, but he somehow managed to escape the Baron's onslaught, so I snuck him into my base of operations. Follow me, it's this way."_

"I wonder how he survived long enough to build a base of operations," Crocodile mused. "A feat like that is as impressive as there being a secret base in a place like thi— _ERK!"_ The ex-Warlord's muscles suddenly locked up and were set ablaze without warning.

Magellan scowled at the prisoner as he rolled another minute blob of venom between his fingers. "Watch your tongue, inmate, lest my next shot rot it out of you."

" _Grgrggghhh…"_ Crocodile snarled out murderously.

**-o-**

Sengoku would never admit it, but seeing the state Garp was in when he barged into the office again, his students and Akainu behind him, made him wish that he was putting on his usual show of laughing at the SBS. Or, at least, that the SBS was putting on its normal laughter-provoking performance instead of the horror show that was currently being shown the world over.

"Call an assembly, Sengoku," Garp growled out without so much as a hint of preamble.

"What did you find out, Garp?" Sengoku asked, though given Garp's seriousness the question was probably just a formality.

" _Luffy!"/"Captain!"/_ " _ **Luffy!"**_

Before Garp could speak, he was interrupted by a trio of voices crying out, as well as a single pained and tired one groaning as its owner came to again.

" _What the—Soundbite?! Su, Lassoo, you guys are safe too! That's great! Ah, wait, where am I? Where are_ we? _And where's everyone else!?_ "

" _Welcome to my secret base!"_ came the old man's jovial voice. " _It's been so long since I had guests. Do you like goat's milk?"_

A goat was heard bleating on the other end of the broadcast, to which Gruffy raised his head and bleated as well.

"Goats," Akainu muttered. "Why does it have to be _goats…"_

"It's a perfectly sensible choice for a pet," Sengoku retorted.

"I beg to diff—!"

"That's a point I'm _entirely_ willing to defend, **Sakazuki."** The last words were said with a flash of golden aura.

"… Withdrawn," Sakazuki ultimately whispered, which managed to elicit a slight smirk from Garp, even in spite of the situation.

" _Hey, slimeball, you're not going to bother translating?"_

" **My head's ringing from** _KEEPING YOU TWO comprehensible_. **I'M NOT GONNA RALPH** _ **FOR THE SAKE of a total stranger!"**_

" _Guys, what's going on? Who is this guy?"_

" _Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't introduce myself. My name is Brief, Captain of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates."_

The entire room gave the snail a flat look.

"And I thought that the Alvida Pirates had a stupid name…" Coby muttered.

Akainu snapped a glare at the Petty Officer as he amped up the temperature in the room. "And you aren't down in the Archives digging up anything we have on him and his crew… _why,_ exactly?"

The space Coby was occupying promptly vacated itself.

"That's what I thought."

" _I'm actually in the middle of recruiting right now, but your captain turned down my invitation to join me. Maybe you feel differently?"_

" _ **Why are we**_ **UNDERGROUND?"** Soundbite asked, ignoring the question entirely.

" _Come on, at least acknowledge the request!"_ Brief protested weakly before sighing in defeat. " _Ergh, never mind… anyways, to answer your question, we're underground because it's the only place safe from those lunatics up above. I've dug trapdoors and tunnels all over the island so that I can escape from the Baron's vile clutches whenever I need to. I'm impressed that you found one."_

" _ **Actually, we didn't so much**_ **find it as ONE OF OUR CREWMATES TRIPPED** OVER IT."

There was a brief silence, followed by an exasperated chuckle. " _Well, your crew certainly isn't short on dumb luck."_

" _No, no, we're not,"_ Lassoo deadpanned. " _And going back a bit, from what you said about the Baron's clutches, I'm guessing you have experience with the bastard. Care to share?"_

There was another pause, this one much more tense, and then Brief's sigh came from the other end, followed by footsteps.

" _This is my crew,"_ Brief said, presumably holding out a picture.

"BACK!" Coby gasped as he Shaved back into the room, panting heavily as he held up a folder for his superiors to see. "Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, captain-only bounty of ฿35 million, got it for basically wandering into a restricted nature preserve and causing a commotion when he tried to collect samples from the local wildlife. They were an exploration-only crew about a decade ago. Their membership numbered upwards of three dozen!"

"That's almost twice as big as Straw Hat's crew," Helmeppo noted.

" _They all have the same snot under their noses,"_ Luffy remarked.

"…They also had a very distinctive look," Coby finished lamely.

" _IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE!"_ Brief snapped.

" _So, the_ **Hitler-stache BELONGS TO** _ **a good guy,"**_ Soundbite muttered.

" _What was that, snail?"_ Brief asked irritably.

" _I SAID,_ _ **where are they?"**_ the snail asked without missing a beat.

"… _I'm alone now,"_ Brief sighed, as much to himself as Soundbite (and by extension, the world). " _I'm currently the only member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates still alive."_

An uncomfortable silence fell before Brief spoke again.

" _I still remember it clearly. The day the Baron attacked my precious crew. The day my friends were swallowed by that gigantic monster—"_

"MONSTER?!" chorused the three animals.

" _Didn't I warn you that the Baron destroys crews?"_

" _He's going to kill them?!"_ Luffy roared.

" _The first step is already done; the Baron and his crew are well-practiced in sowing discord and hate among even the closest friends. I can only imagine that he works his mysterious powers into it."_

"Of course they're under a spell," Garp growled as he kneaded his forehead. "Why _wouldn't_ my idiot grandson's crew be under a spell!?" He promptly snapped a finger and a glare at his now-frozen apprentices. "Not a word outside this office or I'll put you on shit duty until you earn your coats, _and even then."_

Coby and Helmeppo promptly snapped into shaky salutes. "Y-Y-YES, VICE ADMIRAL, SIR!"

Sengoku's lip twitched slightly at the display.

" _The Baron told me something. He said, 'When I see a crew of friends like yours, anger fills my chest. I want to separate you. I want you to experience the same kind of pain I have.'"_

" _The same pain?"_ Luffy repeated.

" _I don't know what his true intentions are, but—"_

" _B-B-BRIEF?_ _ **Wh-what**_ KIND OF monster _**ARE YOU TALKING**_ **ABOUT?"**

"… _All this time, and finally someone actually asks? Well, if you choose to fight, you should know this… but it's quite the disturbing situation."_

" **TELL US!"**

The Fleet Admiral stared at the snail for a second longer before schooling his expression into a thoroughly disapproving scowl. "Aside from your familial ties and the… rather disturbing going-ons being broadcast, Garp, what exactly makes you think that this is worth calling an assemblage over?"

Garp scowled back as he slammed the archive records he had in his hand onto the poor, abused desk. "Baron Omatsuri. Captain of the Red Arrow Pirates, a crew that was last heard from twenty-four years ago. They were a New-World grade crew who rubbed shoulders with the likes of Whitebeard and Roger back in the day, though I doubt that mustached bastard actually remembers him."

Sengoku eyed the pile curiously before glancing at Garp. "It seems like you had a hard time recalling him as well."

Garp snatched up a paper and shoved it in his superior's face. "That's because they were thought to be _dead_ after a Category 10 _hypercane_ threw them and their ship over the Red Line! _Nobody_ should have been able to survive something like that!"

"Well, clearly they did!" Sengoku scoffed.

Garp's eyes narrowed menacingly. "See, that's the thing. I ran into them once back in the day, got a look at their crew. And considering how long it's been since that day…" Garp's scowl deepened. "I actually _don't_ think that anyone survived but Omatsuri."

The strange statement brought Sengoku up short. "What are you—?"

" _The Lily Carnation is a man-eating plant; the Baron calls it 'the flower of death and rebirth'."_

All sound in the office absolutely _died_ at Brief's words.

Brief continued in a lifeless tone. " _It resembles a stem more than anything else, an enormous construct bigger than a warship at the top of the island, and it's there that the Baron gathers the pirates he and his crew hunt down. It… It uses tendrils… to absorb them into the stem, and… and…"_ The pirate… the _ex-_ pirate choked off into sobs.

There was a brief moment of silence before Su suddenly choked in horror. " _Oh… Oh, God, no…"_ She glanced down, presumably at Lassoo. " _Y-You don't think that—?"_

" _I have seen messed up shit, I have smelled messed up shit and I have_ done _messed up shit…"_ Lassoo breathed before shaking his head. " _Never anything like this. Not on this scale."_

" _Eh?"_ Luffy looked around at his non-human crewmates in confusion. " _What are you guys talking about?"_

" _N-N-Now I get it,"_ Soundbite breathed softly, apparently not having heard Luffy. " **Something about** _ **ALL OF THOSE**_ SPROUT HEADS _felt_ **OFF. LIKE** _**they were**_ THERE _but not there."_

" _What?"_ asked Brief and Luffy.

" _The pain_ **he felt…** _THE FLOWER OF_ _ **DEATH AND**_ **REBIRTH** … AND _MUCHIGORO'S_ _ **SHRIVELING!"**_ The snail's expression slowly twisted in horror. " _Fake… it's all FAKE! T-THIS ISLAND, ITS INHABITANTS,_ **THEY'RE ILLUSIONS THE BARON IS USING** _ **TO STAVE OFF REALITY!**_ PLANTS _made to_ _**look like**_ **PEOPLE!** _**AND OTHER PIRATES ARE THE FUEL THAT KEEPS IT GOING!**_ "

The silence in Sengoku's office following that particular revelation was absolutely stunning.

"Permission to faint on the spot, sir?" Coby whispered with a slight gurgle to his voice.

"Ditto…" Helmeppo nodded slightly in agreement.

"Granted," Akainu grunted.

The East Bluers neither hesitated nor waited to comply.

Garp slowly tore his gaze away from the snail to stare at his superior officer. "Well?" he asked frigidly.

Sengoku met his gaze for a minute before looking up at Akainu. "Send word to Kizaru and Aokiji that they are to meet with us in Conference Room B3." He stood up and started marching towards the door to his office.

"We're going to need as many Golden Transponder Snails as we can get our hands on."

**-o-**

"… _That's an insane theory, but it would explain a lot,"_ Brief finally admitted. " _In my early days, I tried sniping down his crew, but even headshots didn't faze them! But… they seemed confused more than anything. It's possible that they don't even know about it, even if the Baron does. And now that I think about it, I've been on this island for about ten years now, and the Baron's comrades don't seem to have aged even a day."_

"Wh-What fresh hell did this monster crawl out of?!"

Absalom turned a bemused look on his horrified colleague. "What are you getting so worked up about? You make _zombies_ for a living—"

"THAT'S PRECISELY THE POINT, ABSALOM!" Hogback shrieked, sounding a few millimeters away from a heart attack. "I am an _expert_ at the practice of necromancy! I am _intimately_ familiar with the complexities involved in returning an individual from the great beyond! Body chemistry, stability of tissue and psyche! It takes me _days_ to complete even a single marionette, and even after that they require constant upkeep in order to keep their rotting flesh viable!"

Thriller Bark's mad doctor slowly turned his horrified gaze back to the snail in the room. "To be able to create and somehow _control_ what I count as at _minimum_ over a hundred individuals that so perfectly mimic life that none have any suspicions whatsoever, with the sole drawback being nutrition!?" He shook his head slowly. "There are no _possible_ words that could express just how utterly terrifying that monster is on a scientific level."

"AND NOW I _**GET**_ **WHY I** _feel so off, too!_ _ **If that thing**_ **is huge and controlling** THE WHOLE ISLAND, _ITS_ _ **roots**_ _must be sucking up SEAWATER!_ **THE AIR IT'S PUMPING OUT IS** FULL _of salt!"_ Soundbite grimaced.

" _And that explains the smell, too…"_ Su gulped.

" _The whole reason we left the resort and went out to explore more of the island was because the staff reeked of plants. And not just 'farmer or botanist' reek either, that we can handle,_ that's _normal. I mean, they_ _ **innately**_ _smelled like rotting plants. Just…_ disturbing," Lassoo whined.

"Recreated without even knowing that they died… not even aware that they're not even alive," Moria growled, steadily crushing the armrests of his chair beneath his grip. Such horrors, such… _monstrosity…_ The Master of Thriller Bark had committed innumerable acts of evil over his tenure as Warlord, but not even he could fathom the depths to which the man calling himself 'Omatsuri' had fallen, or the levels of madness and despair it would have taken to push him so far.

Suddenly, all attention in the room was diverted by the sound of the door slowly creaking open, admitting the corporeal body of the fourth of the Mysterious Four.

"Perona?" Absalom remarked in surprise. "Huh, I thought it was too quiet. What are you—?" Whatever snide remark the beast-man had up his sleeve died when he noticed the dead look in his comrade's eyes and the desperate way she was squeezing the undead life out of an oddly compliant Bearsy. "Perona? What's wrong?"

"He invited us…" the goth-lolita breathed numbly. "That kappa kid… he invited everyone for a _feast…"_

Before any of the Four could ask what she meant, Brief hummed thoughtfully over the connection. " _If the Baron's purpose is to keep them all alive, that would explain everything. Everyone he keeps inviting to the island is just more food for his crew's reincarnation."_

" _ **CROSS**_ **AND THE OTHERS** _ARE GONNA BE_ EATEN?!" Soundbite bellowed.

" _That's not going to happen!"_ Luffy snapped. " _Thanks for your help, Brief, but I've got a bastard's ass to kick."_

" _Straw Hat, you can't face him alone!"_ Brief shouted, panic coloring his voice.

" _Which is why he won't be alone!"_ Lassoo barked.

" _ **YEAH, we're with him**_ **all the way!"** Soundbite snarled in agreement.

" _Heh, see? I'm not alone, I've got my—!"_ Luffy's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted facial expression went slack.

" _Eh?"_ Su blinked in confusion. " _Luffy? You alright, rubber—"_

" _I'm going,"_ Luffy cut in with grim finality. " _You guys wait here."_

" _Wha—Straw Hat, what did I just—?"_

There was the sound of something heavy being moved.

" _Behind the_ **bookcase. WHAT A** _CLICHÉ,"_ Soundbite muttered.

" _It was getting drafty in here, sue me! And Straw Hat waiiiaaaaand he's gone."_

" _Yeah, he does that,"_ Lassoo sighed.

" _And so are we, for that matter!"_

" **MUSH,** _ **dog-breath,**_ _mush!"_

" _Wha—!? GET BACK HERE!"_

Absalom took advantage of the lull in the broadcast to give Perona a confused look. "Yes, that bit was disturbing, yes, but what does that have to do with—?"

"It wasn't the kappa-kid who said it…" Perona whispered, slowly tightening her grip on the _very_ still Bearsy. "I-I-It was that _thing…_ i-it's intelligent… a-and it's _words…"_

The male members of the Four started to look at one another…

"It said…"

When they were halted by Bearsy's gravelly voice, which Perona said nothing about.

"That flower invited the world to come to its world and _take part_ in a great feast…" the zombie bear whispered.

The men took a few moments to process that statement, and then they reacted appropriately: Hogback started babbling incoherently and sweating like a pig, Absalom retreated to a corner of the room before he began emptying his guts out, and Moria's bone-white complexion flushed in horrified outrage.

"Just what kind of a monster are we dealing with…?" the Warlord breathed.

**-o-**

[SQUAD SEVEN, REPORT!]

[NO LUCK, SIR! WE INTERROGATED A BAND OF FISHMEN WE FOUND, BUT THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF OMATSURI ISLAND, THEY'VE BEEN SUBMERGED SINCE THE BROADCAST STARTED!]

[DAMN IT!] Captain-nee-Chief Dugong snarled as he slammed his balled flippers onto the railing of his ship, causing the semi-rotten wood to crack as a result. [THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WAITING UP HERE, HUH?! OUR MEN AND ALLIES ARE IN DANGER, DAMMIT, GET BACK DOWN THERE AND DON'T COME UP UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMETHING _CORAL,_ GOT IT!?]

[SIR, YES, SIR!] the dugongs in the water barked before diving back under.

Captain Dugong snorted as he watched bubbles trail up from where the squad had dived before turning around and starting to pace back and forth across the deck. [Come on, come on…]

[Easy, Captain, easy…] a... relatively calm voice prompted.

The Captain huffed in annoyance and glanced to the side. [First Mate Dugong.]

The new second-in-command of the Dugong tribe ignored his captain's frigid tone, instead choosing to continue giving his leader a firm and steady look. [I know you're worried about Boss and his boys, Captain, we all are, but you need to remember _why_ you let them go after they volunteered in the first place,] he chided. [Those five are the strongest in the whole tribe, ranking right below you and me, and I know that _I_ sure never looked forward to sparring with Boss on account of how he was always _just_ a few blows away from beating my ass into the ground. Soundbite might've lost track of them earlier, but he lost track of 'em after they went in the _water._ You know, where we're strongest?] He allowed himself a smile he _knew_ looked more confident than he actually felt. [There's no reason to worry. They're completely _fine._ I… I as close to guarantee it as I can.]

Captain was silent for the longest time as he contemplated the reassurance. Eventually, he started to turn his head towards his second—

[SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!]

[CONNECT THAT THING TO A SPEAKER, NOW!] Captain Dugong roared, snapping his flipper at the Dugong standing watch over the Transponder Snail they'd set up on a dried part of the deck.

After a brief scramble, the unmistakable sound of a skull knocking against metal sounded out for all the listening Dugongs to hear. " _Damn! Bastard! Makes! These! Things! Solid! Where's! The! Damn!_ LATCH!?"

" _ **No clue,**_ **JUST KEEP HAMMERING!"**

" _There you are, you persistent—!"_ Brief's voice suddenly sounded out before cutting out in an exasperated snort. " _Ergh, enough! If you three are so eager on dying, so be it! Just don't haunt me once you reach the other side."_ There was a click of a mechanism releasing, followed by the smash of a trap door swinging open. " _STRAW HAT!"_ Brief yelled as he opened the trapdoor.

" _LUFFY!"_ a trio of voices concurred.

" _WAGH! WHO ARE YOU?"_ came another older man's voice.

" _ **WHAT THE—**_ WHO ARE _**YOU?"**_

" _THE SNAIL IS TALKING?!"_ said the older man, along with a young woman and a boy.

" _There are_ _**other**_ **real people** _**HERE?"**_

" _Oh, it's these guys again,"_ Lassoo noted in mild surprise. " _The Teacup Pirates, right?"_

" _Tea_ room _Pirates_ , _Howlitzer,_ " Su corrected. " _Rose, Rick, Daisy, and Papa. We ran into them earlier with Chopper; slimeball stopped translating for us about halfway through, but we heard enough while we were there. They're hardly pirates at all, in my opinio—_ ACK!" Su's words were suddenly cut off in a yelp of terror.

" _What the_ hell _is that!?"_ Lassoo snarled in equal parts rebellious defiance and terror.

"… _ **Brief**_ _was right…_ THE THING'S A GIANT **FLOWER STALK,"** Soundbite mumbled in an utterly terrified voice.

" _But… where's its_ head?" Su whimpered.

" _Old man."_

But those two calm, quiet words froze all who were listening. Luffy's voice continued in the same apparently calm tone.

" _I have two things to tell you. First, the Dugongs, Su, Lassoo, Soundbite, and Chopper aren't my pets, they're my friends. And second…_ " The look in the Transponder Snail's eye suddenly became downright murderous. " _I'll never let you hurt my friends."_

There was a tense pause in which it became clear who Luffy was talking to. And then the recipient's voice came across.

"… _You'll never let me hurt them?"_ the Baron sneered after a tense pause. " _If you count your pets as your friends, you have nineteen in your crew, correct?"_

Luffy's eyes narrowed menacingly. " _What about it?"_

Soundbite suddenly tensed in horror. " _Oh,_ _ **no…"**_

" _In the time it took you to arrive…"_ A vile, _sickening_ grin extended across the Baron's face. " _That number has been reduced to fourteen."_

The words hit Captain Dugong like a physical blow, causing him to stagger back in dull shock.

[C-Captain!?] one of his subordinates yelped.

[Five…] Captain whispered in a horrified tone of voice. [Fourteen is five less than nineteen...]

First Mate Dugong was shaking his head in desperate denial. [I-It's not possible, _it's not possible!]_

Going by Luffy's suddenly pole-axed expression, the dugong's sentiment was a shared one. " _Wha… What did you say?"_ he breathed in a tone of voice that straddled the borderline of paralyzing horror and apoplectic rage.

" _That band of amphibious animals you had with you when you first arrived,"_ the Baron explained in a tone that could have been conversational, if not for the sheer amount of pleasure he was taking from Luffy's reactions. " _Lily ensnared them in her roots when they decided to explore the bay. Their shells made it difficult for her to digest them at first…"_ The madman's grin somehow widened even further, all teeth and no mirth. " _But she managed it shortly before you arrived. And now… the rest of your crew will soon join them."_

First Mate Dugong barely managed to catch himself from toppling forwards, staring down at the deck in numb shock. [H-He… that bastard actually… _th-they're—!]_

[RAAAAAAGH!]

SMASH! _KEE-RASH!"_

All attention on the galleon snapped over to the now-collapsed mizen-mast, where Captain Dugong's fist was embedded in the shattered remains of the wooden pillar.

[SOMEONE FIND ME THAT GODS-BE-DAMNED ISLAND RIGHT THE HELL NOW!] he howled, both at his crew and the heavens themselves. [FIND ME IT SO THAT I CAN RIP THAT FUCKING BASTARD'S SKULL OUT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD _AND CRUSH IT WITH MY OWN BARE FLIPPERS!]_

[SIR, YES, SIR!] the rest of the crew roared back with nigh-religious fervor.

**-o-**

" _You… You_ BASTARD!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs, his voice sounding more like an animal's than a human's.

"Yeah, get him, Straw Hat!" Kureha cheered as she pumped her fist with _far_ more enthusiasm than anyone her age had the right to possess.

" _You said you won't let me harm them, didn't you?"_ the Baron chuckled, as though he were observing the greatest show in the world. " _You'll never let me hurt them…"_ He chuckled again, and then burst out laughing. He kept on laughing even as Luffy reacted.

" _You…_ _ **YOU'RE DEAD!"**_ Luffy roared. " _GUM-GUM—!"_

A whistling sound interrupted his attack, and the sound of rubber striking something hard and a grunt of pain rang out.

" _One arrow,"_ the Baron gloated.

"LUFFY! _That_ **bastard** _ **nailed his hand**_ **TO A ROCK** WITH AN ARROW!"

"Damn, that's not good…" Dalton winced as he rubbed the spots on his shoulders where his ex-comrade had perforated him a few months prior.

"Tsk. This complicates matters…" Kureha growled to herself as she stroked her chin. "Assuming that he's in a bad enough position, he might not have the leverage needed to break the rock, and even then, if it's really a through-and-through, extraction's gonna be a real pain in the—!"

" _What happened to that determined spirit, hm?"_ Omatsuri sneered viciously. " _Ah, and by the way? While you struggle in vain, another one of your friends is disappearing. Another of your pets, the one you called a doctor, I believe?"_

" _S-STOP IT!_ CHOPPER!"

Kureha promptly froze mid-sentence, her mind just... just _stalling_ as it tried to parse the words it had just heard. The witch doctor slowly blinked as she stared at the snail, her brain attempting to reboot.

"…eh?"

**-o-**

" _Now then, I wonder… Who will be next?"_

"YOU'LL _BE NEXT,_ _**YOU WANNA-BE**_ **NECROMANCER!** _ **Suck it:**_ **GASTRO-** _ **PHO—**_ _YIPE! GRRGH!"_

"Whoa!" Kamakiri reeled back in shock when the Transponder Snail suddenly locked its jaws so that they were only slightly open. "What the heck!?"

" _What do you think you're doing!?"_ Su's incredulous voice managed through the snail's teeth. " _Spit that arrow out and get that bastard puking!"_

"It appears that Soundbite only narrowly missed becoming a kebab…" Laki shuddered fearfully, her hand continuing to stroke Aisa's hair. Ever since the broadcast had emerged from its underground location, the young oracle had been on her knees, clutching her head in agony as she moaned about 'screaming voices'.

She was also taking the time to watch over Pagaya's own insensate form. The Straw Hat gunner's father had come over several hours ago in order to join the Shandians in listening to his daughter's adventure on the SBS… but soon after matters had started devolving, Wiper had laid him out on the ground with a well-placed fist to his skull. The Berserker had stated that he'd done it so that he would be spared the old man's whining… but all present agreed that Pagaya's current state was favorable to listening to the ongoing hell the world was being treated to.

"But why hasn't he spit it out yet like the fox suggested?" Wiper said, narrowing his eyes.

" **I can't!"** Soundbite mumbled out through his clenched teeth. " _Thish thing… IT'S STILL PUSHING!_ I 'ET GO, **I DIE!"**

" _I took great pride in my archery skills back in the day, and Lily has only aided me since,"_ the Baron smugly informed them. " _Now, where were we… ah, yes. It would seem Lily has chosen the angel next."_

" _CONIS!"_ Luffy yelled. " _GUM-GUM—!"_

Another whistling sound. Another thudding of rubber against stone.

" _Two arrows."_

" _NOOOO!"_ Su screamed desperately.

Laki's nails broke the skin on her palms as Aisa redoubled the pressure she was putting on her ears, shaking her head in desperate denial. Beside her, Kamakiri was shaking in barely suppressed rage, and Wiper…

"You defeated a _god_ , Straw Hat," Wiper growled, glaring daggers at the snail. "Don't lose to a mere _demon_."

**-o-**

" _YOU_ MONSTER!" Su roared. " _I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!"_

There was a scrabbling of claws on stone and soil and then a whistling sound that heralded yet _another_ arrow. A whistling that actually continued for a bit. " _HA! NOT SO GOOD AT HITTING_ MOVING TARGETS _, ARE Y—?_ " THUNK! " _AAAARGHHH!"_

Su's shriek of agony wailed out of the snail, and was swiftly followed by the crack of an arrow entering into stone.

" _As I said, I take great pride in my archery,"_ the Baron drawled before glancing back to Luffy.

The dinner rush had long since stopped eating, the patrons paying rapt attention to the snail and its horrific broadcast.

"Damn damn damn!" Carne swore, his teeth wearing his nails down to nubs. "The suspense is fucking killing me! Who's gonna bite it next!?"

"Tsk, calm down, pintsize!" Patty waved a hand with a careless grin. "Come on, I know it looks bleak now, but this ain't the end! All they have to do is keep fighting and they'll pull through, so there's absolutely no reason to—!"

" _It would appear that your cook is the next one destined to disappear."_

" _SANJI!"_

"NO!" Patty slammed his palms on either side of the Transponder Snail, glaring at it with all the heat he could muster. "DAMN IT, SANJI, FIGHT! DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE IN! SHOW THE WORLD THE PRIDE OF THE BARATIE!"

Zeff, meanwhile, stole away into the kitchen, striving with all his might not to sink to his knees or let his tears fall into his cooking.

**-o-**

" _Ah, it appears that the dark-haired woman is the next to go. Perhaps she'll be happy being a part of Lily, if she likes flowers so much."_

" _ROBIN!"_ Luffy cried desperately.

" _LET HER_ GO!" Lassoo howled, snarling as he opened his jaws wide. " _CANI—!"_

The Marines listening winced as a thunk followed by an agonized-yet-muffled howl sounded over the line.

" _Heel,"_ the Baron sneered.

" _H-HE NAILED HIM RIGH' THROUGH_ **the jaws!"** Soundbite winced.

Several of the Marines listening subconsciously raised their hands to their own jaws, while in the back of the room Aokiji paused as he realized that Soundbite had failed to blur a name. He considered making a note of it, but ultimately, all he did was bow his head in shame.

**-o-**

" _And there goes the loud-mouth,"_ the Baron purred, clearly relishing the screams of agony that resulted from all of those present.

" _ **CROOOOOOSS!"**_ Soundbite howled in misery, drowning out Luffy's own cry.

Pinky and the Brain shook with ill-repressed terror as they relayed the broadcast. The broadcast itself was scary enough, sure, but it wasn't the primary source of their fear. After all, compared to the vessel they were on…

If anyone doubted that ships could love their crews, the sight of the Going Merry _trembling_ with agony, screams breathing out of every timber, would silence those doubts forever. Her sails and lines flapped in an unseen breeze, her hull creaked and groaned—and in the dining room where the snails were set up, the translucent form of a young girl in a rain poncho clenched her fists, tears streaming from her eyes.

"No!" Merry yelled, her voice trembling from the raw emotion. "It can't end like this! It can't! You—You promised that we'd sail the seas together!" Against her own volition, her mind flashed back to a stone altar, a man with a lance of fire riding a bird… and just the wrong lurch, and the sickening crack that followed. Merry shuddered as a bolt of agony tore through her back as she clutched the sides of her head in despair. "Fucking _shit!_ I'm your ship! I'm supposed to protect you all! And I can't… I can't…"

She took a deep breath, threw her head back and _roared_. "LUFFY! KICK ITS ASS! SAVE THEM FOR ME!"

**-o-**

" _If you don't hurry, there won't be anyone left."_

" _STOP IT! GUM-GUM—!"_

Once again, an arrow pinned his limb to a rock. And this time, there was the sound of knees hitting the ground.

" _Since you can't see, I'll tell you: the man with the phallic nose has just died."_

" _USOPP!"_

Merry sorely wished he'd had the foresight to spike his tea with sleeping pills as soon as he received the accurate inkling that this broadcast was going to be a complete nightmare, back when that kappa… or rather, the demon _behind_ the kappa had put on its terrifying display.

As it was, his mistress and the three heirs to Usopp's task of rousing the village were staring at the snail in abject horror, tears and mucus streaming down their faces. Not that he was any better. All he could do at that moment was hope beyond all hope that Luffy would be able to pull off another miracle.

Because if he couldn't, he wasn't sure his mistress would recover this time.

**-o-**

" _What will you do? Will you fight me with just your left leg?"_

" _GUM-GUM—!"_

A fourth arrow. All of his limbs were pinned now.

" _The other two women and the bird have just disappeared."_

" _VIVI! CARUE! NAMI!"_ Luffy cried.

In two different parts of the world, two fathers, one surrogate but both genuine, suffered heart attacks in response to the broadcast.

**-o-**

" _You can no longer move in that state,"_ the Baron taunted over the sounds of Luffy struggling on the ground. " _The very last of your friends is starting to fade away."_

" _ZORO!"_ Luffy screamed. A sound of tearing fabric came across the connection amidst Luffy's cries. Then—

" _ **LUFFY!**_ **IF THOSE ARROWS** HIT HIS NECK, _HE'S—"_

From what little the listeners could tell, the Baron, for the first time since the broadcast started, seemed taken aback. But judging from the whistling sounds that followed, it didn't last long before he pulled himself together and started to fire more arrows at Luffy. A few distinct sounds made it clear that they scraped past their mark, but this time, the Baron was _definitel_ y taken aback as Luffy continued yelling and stretching forwards.

" _ZOOOOROOOOOOOO!"_

The expression that the snail was wearing was horrible beyond words: gaping, but out of pure horror and despair rather than righteous anger. It lasted for a few seconds, tears flying out of his eyes, before the sound of Luffy's elongated neck retracting and slamming into the stone imprisoning him came rang out.

The sound of stone breaking then came from two different directions. The snail was expected. But on the recipients' end of the broadcast, all eyes snapped to a certain grave marker, which had suddenly gained a ragged crack.

**-o-**

"Turn up the volume."

Squardo and Whitey exchanged nervous glances from the safety of a hill several hundred meters away. As bad as the broadcast was, the potent combination of Haki and fire rolling off of Ace was _worse_. Not only were they sweating like a couple of stuck pigs, they had to constantly fight the urge to either flee or faint, with both options all but guaranteeing their deaths by way of barbeque. How their Transponder Snail was still conscious was a mystery of the universe, though the flecks of foam coming from the corners of its mouth hinted that it actually _wasn't_.

"I-It's as high as it goes, Ace!" Squardo called out.

" _Turn. Up. The volume,"_ Ace snarled, the temperature ratcheting up another few hundred degrees, the soil around his feet beginning to _melt_. " _Because that broadcast is the only thing keeping me from stealing one of your ships and going to BURN THAT FUCKING ISLAND TO ASH."_

"Ace, please, be reasonable!" Whitey pleaded.

"Yeah!" Squardo nodded furiously in agreement. "I know that the outlook is bleak, but—!"

" _Straw Hat."_

The subordinate captains paled in terror as the Baron started speaking again, only this time dripping with liquid hate.

" _Your swordsman is dead. Your pets will soon join him. You have no friends left. You are utterly alone on the vast Grand Line."_

"… _Alone?"_

Whitey and Squardo both flinched, their hearts breaking at the sheer despair in Luffy's voice. It was all the opening needed.

"THAT'S IT! HE DIES _NOW!"_

Their _bowels,_ meanwhile, nearly voided themselves due to the literally _apoplectic_ fury in Ace's face.

The fireman prepared to shoot into the air, only for the two other captains to fall on him with all the speed of New World veterans, Whitey gritting her teeth at the sound of sizzling flesh in spite of her pumping as much Haki into her clothes as she could. Acting fast, she snapped a cuff of sea prism stone on the commander's arm.

" _LET ME GO!"_ Ace roared as he flailed beneath his friends, almost managing to buck them off through sheer muscle power alone. " _THAT THING WANTS A FEAST?!_ I'LL GIVE IT A BARBECUE FIT FOR THE OARS JR. PIRATES!"

"Damn it, Ace, stop!" Squardo pleaded. "You won't make it in time! And what if that thing snares you, too?"

" _I OFFICIALLY_ _ **DO NOT CARE!"**_

Squardo shivered as he felt himself come _that_ close to passing out before steeling his will and redoubling his grip on the Commander. "For the love of god, Ace, stop and think for a _second!_ What happened to your faith in your brother?!"

To his credit, the swordsman only flinched when Ace turned his gaze on him. Despite the suppression of his fire, he swore that Ace almost incinerated him anyway. "What."

"Luffy's still there, still fighting!" Whitey hastily cut in as she caught on to Squardo's line of thinking. "If he falls, then you can go burn that thing to ashes! We'll help, hell, _Pops_ will probably help! But until then, have faith, the same faith that let you two both go out to sea in the first place to find your own paths! Because if you save Luffy right now…" Whitey's voice fell into a desperate whisper. "Then he might not ever forgive you."

There was an audible sound of grinding teeth, and then Ace sat back down onto the ground, his face grim. "Fine," he ground out. "Now, take off this stupid bracelet!"

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks. We'd rather _not_ get melted," Squardo drawled, holding up a sweating, red-faced and foam-coughing Transponder Snail.

Ace at least had the good grace to blush at that.

**-o-**

"Ow, ow ow, ow— _ARGH!_ DAMN IT, SISTER, I'M HURTING JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ARE, BUT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Will you please be _quiet,_ Sonia?" Marigold groused irritably. "In case you've forgotten, we're much louder in our hybrid forms!"

"QUIET!?" Sandersonia snapped a disbelieving stare at her sister before gesturing at her seething and squirming coils. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to restrain one of the _Warlords of the fucking Sea_ here! A Warlord, I might add, _who kicks like a Sea King_ _and is hitting a burn I got on our last outing!"_ She directed the last bit at her elder sister. "I'm going to be sporting bruises for weeks on end once this is done!"

"And you think that this is _easy!?"_ Marigold scoffed as she gestured at the half-conscious Transponder Snail she was holding in her palm. "You only need to worry about keeping yourself conscious, whereas if _I_ slip up even once, our Transponder Snail will go under and then we'll _really_ be in trouble!"

"Yeah, well—!" Sandersonia started to snap back before pausing as a new sound started coming across the connection.

It had been silent following the Baron's declaration to Luffy, aside from Soundbite, Su, and Lassoo all whimpering quietly. But the new sound… it sounded joyful, celebratory… like a party. Like the one that had drawn the Straw Hats to the island in the first place.

"They're alive again… _and they have no idea that anything happened…_ " Marigold whispered in horror.

At that moment, the only thing worse than their older sister blowing her top happened: her struggles and Haki both cut out instantly. The two serpent-sisters exchanged confused looks before Sandersonia _slowly_ uncoiled her tail enough to reveal their sister's face.

And the look in her eyes promptly caused Sandersonia to snap back to her human form and grab Hancock's shoulders before she could collapse lifelessly to the ground. "She's gone back, she's gone back, _why has she gone back!?"_ the largest of the siblings babbled desperately.

"I-I don't…" Marigold started to shake her head in denial, but then froze and started to slowly look down at the snail, sickening comprehension dawning in her mind. "Oh… oh no… th-the sound of cheering… at someone else's _pain—!"_

Sandersonia's eyes widened in comprehension. They then started widening even _further_ as mortal terror steadily crept into them. "I-I-I think… I think _I'm hearing it too…"_ she mumbled in horror, sinking to her knees.

Marigold's affinity for Armament Haki ensured that she had more composure in regards to the hellish memories of their past. But that did little to help calm her two sisters, or to change the fact that those memories were described as hellish for a _damn_ good reason. So, before she herself could break down, Marigold fell back on the fail-safe they had long since devised for just such a situation, snapping her fingers to her lips and blowing out a harsh whistle.

In a blur of red and white, Salome dove down from where he'd been perched in the rafters and struck swiftly and decisively, sinking his fangs first into Marigold's shoulders, then Sandersonia's. Mari grit her teeth while Sonia cried out in pain. She snapped upright, snarling briefly before exhaling sharply and nodding her thanks to the giant serpent, who then moved towards his mistress. It wasn't so simple for her; a harsh reminder of reality was enough for the snake Zoans, but considering the abuse that the Love-Love Fruit had invited… if anything, all that that treatment would do was aggravate the situation, rather than alleviate.

And so it was that the three serpents embraced Hancock, doing their best to reassure her that she wasn't alone...

" _M-My friends… give them—!"_

Even as miles away, one Straw Hat Luffy continued suffering through his own nightmare.

**-o-**

A sound that the viewers easily identified as stomping on someone's head came across the connection. All of the executives winced. Hardened pirates and criminals they might have all been, and atrocities aplenty they might have committed, but even for them, this level of cold, hard, _concentrated_ brutality was hard to listen to. Mostly because they weren't the ones inflicting it, for once.

"Fuffuffuffu… I like this Baron Omatsuri's style," Doflamingo chuckled. "I don't know what Straw Hat is seeing, but it has to be horrific. And losing all his crewmates like that in front of him, one by one, and powerless to stop it…" His grin widened malevolently. "Always a classic."

" _Does it hurt to be without friends?"_

" _HE'S NOT WITHOUT FRIENDS YET!"_ Su snarled, the sound of grunting and muffled howling indicating that Lassoo was backing her up.

" _Cut_ _ **the**_ **LIES!"** Soundbite roared, as much as he could with his teeth occupied.

Things were silent for a few seconds until the snap of fingers sounded out. Then… Then the screaming started anew.

" _YEARGH!"_ Su shrieked in terror. " _WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE—!? GET-GET OFF,_ LET GO OF ME!"

" **RAT-FUCKING-BASTARD!"** Soundbite raged with unholy fury.

Lassoo's muffled whimpers and yelps became increasingly frantic alongside the protests.

" _It seems that you pets represent your captain's hopes as much as his crewmates do. In that case, what I must do is crush each and every one of them. Now, watch and suffer as you lose these mediocre excuses for crewmates."_

" _SOUNDBITE! LASSOO! SU! NO, LET THEM GO!_ LET THEM GO!"

" _I won't,"_ the Baron coldly informed him. " _I will take them like I have taken the rest of your crew, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."_

" _ **YOU FUCKING—**_ MMPH!?" Soundbite's vitriol-fueled words were suddenly cut off without warning, thus silencing Su and what little coherence Lassoo had in the process.

" _This is the reality of your situation, child: you have lost. Totally and utterly."_

" _THAT'S—!"_ Luffy started to curse before breaking off into harried panting. " _That's… That's not true…"_

" _You have lost all of your friends,"_ Baron Omatsuri drawled in a tone of voice that belied _years_ of experience. " _No matter how much you struggle or deny it, that reality will never change. What are you going to do now? If you decide to go on, a life of suffering, despair, and loneliness is all that awaits you. Or… will you decide to follow your friends?"_

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me…" Doflamingo mused. "The fact that I can't see this at all… Fuffuffuffu, the imagination runs wild, doesn't it? It must be torture for the rest of the audience." Doflamingo's grin somehow became even more evil as he digested that idea. "Well, a good idea is worth stealing, after all. I would be remiss as the world's prince of darkness if I didn't take the opportunity to add to my… repertoire, wouldn't I? Fuffuffuffuffu."

Doflamingo either didn't notice or didn't care that, judging from the fact that he was the only one in the throne room, his executives lacked his ability to appreciate the sheer magnificence of the torture. And even if he had, his only reaction would have been to pity them for being so close-minded.

**-o-**

The following sound indicated that Luffy's head fell to the earth. He struggled briefly to get back up, but the sound of rubber being roughly squeezed indicated that the Baron had picked him up.

" _Let me paint you a picture. Almost every captain has chosen death over living in solitude. That is a wise decision. One man cannot be a pirate alone. Now, I will ask you again: what will you choose? Life or death?"_

The only response… was silence. Silence that was louder than words could ever hope to be. Finally, Luffy let out a soft grunt of pain before he fell to the ground. Footfalls indicated that the Baron was stepping back.

" _As I thought, being alone is too painful for you to endure."_

" **BWOOOOOH! BWOOOOOH!** _ **BWOOOOOOH!"**_

Crocus flinched and glanced out the door of his lighthouse as ear-splitting howls of agony started crashing down over the Twin Capes. In any other situation, he'd have told Laboon to quiet down so that he could keep listening properly, but now… now he wasn't so sure that he _wanted_ to hear anything further.

"Damn it, Omatsuri…" he breathed grimly. "Is this _really_ what you think your friends would have wanted!?"

As if in answer, the sound of a bowstring being drawn taut filled the air like a death knell.

" _Then die."_

Crocus grit his teeth, almost angry enough to try tracking down that island where the snail was… broadcasting… wait a minute, Soundbite had been snared by that monster, why was the broadcast still going?

That question was answered by the sound of the earth suddenly collapsing and the Baron gasping in shock.

" _What on earth—!?"_

" _BARON!"_

Crocus sighed in relief when Laboon's cries were silenced, courtesy of Brief's voice hollering defiance.

" _YOU!"_ the Baron snarled in frustration.

" _I won't let you hurt this man!"_ Brief roared. " _And thanks to this device you foolishly missed!"_ There was a clanking sound that signaled that Brief was holding up something metallic. " _You'll never harm another person in the world again!"_

The Transponder Snail flashed an expression of fury for a moment before falling back into cold indifference. " _I might not know how that device functions, or how it is capable of bypassing my beloved Lily's interference…"_ A flash of evil passed over the vile man's face, and the sickening twang of a bowstring sounded out again. " _But I do know that it won't function without a snail to broadcast."_

Crocus shot upright in shock. "Soundbite!"

" _DON'T YOU DARE, YOU—!"_ Brief started to shout—

KABOOM!

" _WAGH!"_

When he was suddenly cut off by an air-shattering explosion slamming through the connection.

" **PWAH!"** Soundbite gasped in relief. " _WHAT THE_ _ **heck—!?**_ AGH! _**LASSOO! SU!**_ **NOOOO!"**

" _Tsk, so the mutt managed to wrench its jaws open and blast you free, hm?"_ The Baron clicked his tongue sourly. " _Well, no matter. He and the fox are being consumed as we speak, and soon so will—!"_

"THIRD PANEL FROM _**the left,**_ **the gray octagon!"**

" _What—?"_

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

" _GYARGH!"_

"SONNUVA BITCH NOT AGAIN!" Crocus roared as he clamped his hands over his ears, Laboon keening in agreement.

" _HEEHEEHEE_ **HOOHOOHOO** _,_ _ **I think I could come to LOVE**_ **THAT THING,"** Soundbite said in a tone that was equal parts fervent and dizzy.

"WE KNOW!" Crocus and Laboon bellowed back with equal fervor. At the same time, though, Crocus was grateful for that Laboon-worthy noisemaker, considering that, if the scramble of feet through a tunnel was anything to go by, it had apparently provided the necessary distraction for Brief to abscond with the transceiver and Soundbite.

"Damn cocky snail…" Crocus grumbled as he tentatively poked at his eardrums for a second. He then allowed himself a kindly smile. "Still. As much as I hate him, I am glad to hear that he's not hurt."

" **BWOOOOOH!"** Laboon bayed anew, only this time he was communicating an entirely different emotion.

**-o-**

The sound of Brief and Soundbite rushing through the tunnels continued for a few moments before they slid into another room. " _How is he?"_ Brief asked.

" _He's hurt pretty bad—HEY!"_ began an older voice, the captain of the Tearoom Pirates, up until the sound of shaking someone's body came across the connection

" _Wake up, Straw Hat—"_

" _ **ALLOW**_ ME," Soundbite snarled. " _ **Here's hoping a generalization works…**_ _LUFFY! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANT A FIST OF LOVE!"_ the snail belted out in a gruff old man's voice.

"AH! I'M UP, GRAMPS, I'M U— _huwha?"_

In a dilapidated shack on the slopes of Mt. Corvo, a certain mountain bandit chief cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Well, now I'm a bit conflicted…" Dadan mused to herself. "On the one hand, it's good that they were able to use Luffy's trauma to snap him out of it, but on the other hand, that pretty much just spilled the beans on who Luffy's grandfather is to anyone who's familiar with Garp."

"I think we can worry about that _after_ he's out of that hellhole of an island," Dogra grit out. "And that's if he can bounce back after losing his whole crew…"

" **SNAP OUT OF IT,** _ **LUFFY!** **"**_

Magra allowed himself a hopeful grin. "Somehow, I don't think that that's going to be much of an issue."

" _Eh? Soundbite! Y-You're alright! But… But everyone else…"_ Luffy trailed off, his voice cracking.

" _ **NO!"**_ Soundbite belted out desperately. "Y-YOU CAN'T GIVE UP HOPE, LUFFY, _YOU CAN'T!_ _ **I-IF YOU GIVE UP…"**_ The snail's eyes started to tear up in despair.

" _Damn it all, Straw Hat!"_ Brief belted impudently. " _Where's your determination, eh, where's your will to fight!? You need to stand up! You need to fight for your crew!"_

" **What crew?"** Soundbite spat, the venom in his voice thoroughly diluted with depressed sorrow. "THEY GOT _**eaten. THEY'RE GONE…"**_

" _So you say, but_ she _says different!"_ Brief countered.

" _Yes, they're still alive! I can hear them!"_ came a girl's voice out of the blue.

" _Huh?"_ Luffy blinked in confusion. " _Who're you? And what're you talking about—"_

" _ **She—SHE'S**_ RIGHT!" Soundbite said in equal parts shock and euphoria. " _I-I CAN_ **hear their** _ **VOICES!"**_

"Eh!?" the leaders of the Mt. Corvo Bandits yelped, leaning backwards in shock.

"Is this for real?!" Dadan breathed, her cigarette getting steadily worn down to a nub.

"B-but I thought he said the salt was messing with his head!" Magra questioned.

" _Eh? What about the salt?"_ Rose of the Tearoom Pirates asked that very same question.

"AH… **ah,** _**different kind of**_ **HEARING. MY NORMAL SKILLS** _ **ARE STILL**_ BORKED, BUT THIS…" Soundbite shook his head solemnly. " **There's no blocking this."**

" _Can't you hear them? Listen!"_ the girl insisted. " _Mister Reindeer and Mister Doggy and Miss Fox are calling for you! 'Luffy, Luffy!', over and over again! And lots of other voices too! Though, one of them is saying a lot more than that…"_

" **HAHAHA!"** Soundbite cackled ecstatically. " _EVEN ON THE BRINK_ _ **of the void,**_ **Cross is slingin' shit** _ **LIKE A DAMN CHAMP!"**_

" _Please don't swear around my children!"_ Papa Tearoom protested.

"BUT HOW ARE THEY STILL— _OH, OF COURSE!_ _ **The damn weed's**_ **TRACT** _ **MUST BE**_ _SLOW-ACTING_ **SO IT CAN SUSTAIN** **the illusion during** _gaps between crews!"_ Soundbite reasoned, ignoring the man.

" _Ergh! 'Go to the Grand Line', they said, 'It'll be a fantastic family bonding experience!' they said! Last time I take family bonding advice from a girl offering therapy for five flipping berries!"_ the patriarch of the 'pirate' family grumbled before lowering his voice. " _And, ah, Daisy, was your hearing always this good?"_

" _ **Is now really—**_ **EH? What the—!** _OhfuckINCOMING!"_

A series of distant explosions and close-up tremors came across the connection, and then Brief spoke again. " _Looks like I've outstayed my welcome. Tsk, fine by me, I don't intend to die on this island! Alright, listen, Straw Hat: you can't just recklessly charge at the Baron's arrows. Use the underground routes I dug, I'll back you up. Just do as I told you and rush towards that strange flower!"_

" _You…"_ Luffy began.

" _You forgot this,"_ Brief interrupted, the sound of scrunching straw indicating he'd given Luffy back his hat. " _Don't let the Baron's lies affect you, you're not alone yet! You still have a chance to save your friends, understand? And… I'm here with you, too."_

" _THAT'D_ **mean a lot more** _ **if you weren't**_ _HOLDING YOUR FINGER_ UNDER YOUR NOSE **LIKE THAT,"** Soundbite deadpanned.

" _The snail's right. You're talking about life and death with your finger across your nose?"_ said Papa.

" _That's just weird,"_ said a younger male that had to be Rick.

" _SHUT UP! This is the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates' sacred traditional greeting!"_

"Heheh, I think I'm starting to like this old man!" Dadan snickered to herself.

"Though really, who ever heard of a salute as stupid as that, eh?" Magra asked.

"You mean aside from that stupid handshake you tried to make us all do a few years ago?" Dogra muttered sarcastically.

"I WAS DRUNK OFF MY ASS, DAMN IT!"

"IT WAS THREE HOURS LONG, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH BOOZE ON THE ISLAND TO JUSTIFY THAT!"

"YOU DAMN LITTLE—!"

_SLAM! SLAM!_

"WILL YOU MORONS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!?" Dadan bellowed. "IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, OUR BOY'S FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE OUT THERE!"

**-o-**

" _Alright, I'll get going,"_ Luffy announced with grim determination. " _Old man, you look after Soundbite, alright?"_

" _Of course,"_ Brief nodded firmly before adopting an annoyed expression. " _And for the record, I'm 42! You try living on this island for years on end and not let the stress get to you!"_

The only response he received was that of Luffy running off.

There was a brief silence before Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks to the side in a flat look. " _ **We're going AFTER HIM,**_ RIGHT?"

" _Smart snail,"_ the… _relatively_ old pirate laughed as he started running himself.

"Looks like Straw Hat's going to get out of this after all!"

"Of course he is! It's nothing now but a straight-up fight, and he won't give those monsters an inch this time! He's going to win!"

"Anyone wanna put any money on him winning?"

"Not a chance!"

For the first time since the goldfish catching game, the patrons of Takoyaki 8 were thoroughly enjoying the broadcast. Luffy had his confidence back and friends backing him as he tried to save his crew from a man-eating plant and put an end to that monster of a man. And this time, the support in the game was unanimous.

Soundbite's broadcasting faltered slightly here and there, Luffy popping in and out of the holes in the ground, along with Brief and his goat distracting them. Then came the moment where Brief used a dummy of straw that Soundbite had been funneling Luffy's voice into, successfully tricking and then distracting the Baron and making him attempt to play whack-a-mustache with his arrows. Tension began mounting as the sounds of the trapdoors opening became closer and closer to the arrows' impact.

Until, finally—

_BOOM!_

" _Agh!"_

" _ **GAH, MOTHER—**_ THAT STINGS!"

One of the explosions was accompanied by Brief and Soundbite's cries of pain.

" _Now, stay in that hole!"_

There was a sound of movement amidst the settling dust. " _Baron,"_ Brief growled, weak but firm. " _Don't mess with me. If you think you can take friends away from anyone you please, you're dead wrong! As of now… I'M ONE OF HIS FRIENDS!"_

" _ **I'LL DAMN WELL**_ ENDORSE _THAT claim!"_ Soundbite roared in agreement.

The Baron chuckled cruelly. " _Friend? How delightful! Straw Hat!"_ Omatsuri's expression swapped over to a more vicious tone as he glanced away. " _Listen well! This man who claims to be your friend was once the captain of a pirate crew that I annihilated! A man who pleaded for mercy! A man who wretchedly shook in fear at the thought of being alone! Why would you let such a pathetic insect be your friend?"_

" _ **HEY!**_ _I AND_ TRANSPONDER SNAILS EVERYWHERE _**RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!"**_

Omatsuri's snarl deepened. " _That snail again… you should learn when to_ respect your betters!"

There was that strange organic sound that had accompanied every instance of the bow arrow being nocked before, and then the snail's eyes snapped open in terror as the same noise multiplied itself almost two dozen times over.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously. " _ **JUST HOW**_ **fucking bullshit** _is that damn_ _**flower?!"**_

" _Why don't you observe for yourself, hm?"_ And with that, there was the twang of a bowstring and a _chorus_ of shrieking whistling.

Within moments the arrows made impact… but not on flesh. The only sound heard was metal sinking into stone.

" _ **DENIED!**_ NICE SAVE, **LUFFY!"**

" _Wha… Straw Hat?"_ Brief asked. There was a sound of stone cracking, likely from being used as a shield. Then…

" _RaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!"_ Luffy screamed. A moment later, there was the sound of a fist making impact, and the Baron let out a cry of pain before being sent tumbling away.

"Nyu, nice one, Luffy!" Hachi pumped his fists triumphantly. "Now do it a thousand times more!"

"Come on, guys!" Keimi cheered as she waved around a pair of fans she'd dug out of somewhere. "Like the dugongs! GO, STRAW HAT, GO! GO, STRAW HAT, GO!"

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" the patrons of Takoyaki 8 cheered in agreement. "GO, STRAW HAT, GO! GO, STRAW HAT, GO!"

**-o-**

"Straw Hat certainly seems to have every ounce of will that we thought he did," Hina remarked as she chewed on the butt of her cigarette.

"And thank the heavens that he does," T-Bone stated as he bowed his head solemnly. "For should even the will of one such as Monkey D. Luffy be capable of breaking, then what hope do we have of finding any measure of success in our endeavor?"

Hina scowled grimly, unable to find anything with which to counter the question.

" _I told you before…"_ Luffy huffed grimly. " _I WON'T LET YOU HURT MY FRIENDS!"_

" _F-Friend?"_ Brief asked timidly.

" _Mustache!"_ Luffy promptly grinned, the cheer in his voice making it obvious that he had his finger up in a salute.

"… _Mustache!"_ Brief echoed joyfully.

" _Mustache!"_ Rose, Rick, and Daisy contributed.

" _GET BACK DOWN HERE, YOU THREE!"_ Papa protested.

" **YEEEAAAAH, I have no arms** _and some measure of DIGNITY,_ _ **SOOO…"**_

"… _You are an unlikeable little gremlin."_

"THAT'S MY SCHTICK, _**AND I STRIVE**_ **TO WEAR** _ **it out!"**_

"The sooner, the better, I say," T-Bone muttered.

"Mm… Hina begs to differ," the female captain disagreed with a slight smirk. "Annoying as he can be… it's at least comforting to find some measure of familiarity in all this madness, no?"

As gaunt as his face was, T-Bone just couldn't hide the smile he too was sporting.

**-o-**

" _Should have seen that one coming. Anyway… Straw Hat!"_ Brief barked authoritatively. " _Go give that demon-weed hell!"_

" _You_ BASTARDS! _I'll feed you to Lily in_ PIECES!"

" **HE'S UP!** _ **GOGOGO!"**_

" _RIGHT! EVERYONE! I'M COMING! HANG ON!"_ Luffy roared at the top of his lungs. His voice swiftly became far off, but it remained clear as crystal nonetheless. He bellowed at the top of his lungs, a bestial noise of pure rage more than anything.

"Ha! Go, Straw Hat boy!" Queen Ivankov cheered from his stage in his makeshift kingdom, leading his 'citizens' in encouraging the rookie pirate, however far away he was. "Pluck that weed's petals, free your crew! HAHA!"

Soon enough, there was the sound of stretching, un-announced, as a name wasn't needed. This wasn't an attack, just a strike of pure, righteous _vengeance._ A second later, there was a sound like a titanic slab of meat being pounded, and then a second, even stronger than the first.

And then…

" _GIVE ME BACK MY CREW!"_

An earth-shattering crash came across the snail. And then came the sound of something like wood breaking apart.

"Ivankov! The monitors!"

At Inazuma's shout, the entirety of Newkama Land turned to face the screens, which were displaying all the same image: a massive, stem-like structure that was beginning to break in the middle, and a human figure that they could barely discern as Straw Hat Luffy beside it.

"…I guess Soundbite-boy learned a new trick. That, or his emotions are peaking enough that he—"

" _Wait!_ "

The image turned back towards a small group of people clad in red headgear with a mushroom-like Jolly Roger on each, alongside a man with a toothbrush mustache who could only be Brief.

" _The voices are coming from somewhere else now,_ " said the youngest girl, to the surprise of everyone listening. Soundbite's gaze snapped back at the stem… and let out, though on the volume of a whisper, what could only be described as a scream. And not a single person watching could blame him.

For looking closely, where the stem broke, with the full moon shining as red as blood in the background, everyone could see what composed the massive structure: thousands upon thousands of arrows, hovering and quivering in midair, what little light there was glinting off the sharp heads.

" _Where are Zoro and all the others? Where are they?!_ " Luffy yelled. Then, slowly, Soundbite's gaze turned in another direction, tortured, rambling whimpers coming from him as his eyes fell upon the soulless form of Baron Omatsuri, standing with a dark smile on his face and blank white eyes as black spots appeared on the face of the flower on his shoulder, reminding many present of some very unpleasant diseases.

" _Right here._ "

Those two words sent chills down every spine on the floor. And then Omatsuri tossed his bow aside, and the flower on his shoulder began to grow and contort.

Emporio Ivankov had the power of the Horm-Horm Fruit. He was no stranger to gore. He was no stranger to mutations. He was intimately familiar with any number of strange contortions within the human body, and was an expert at causing and healing them himself. He had as much tolerance for the worst that biology, and meat in general, could dish out as the most experienced surgeons in the world did.

And when he saw the Lily Carnation's true form, he could do nothing but retch.

**-o-**

"…What the fucking hell."

Nobody in the Blackbeard Pirates so much as batted an eye at their leader's swearing. How could they, with the vile biological symphony that had met their ears? Even after sailing so long with Doc Q, that had been a unique and, as the stain on Burgess's shirt demonstrated, _nauseating_ experience.

"… _ **It was the flower. The flower was wrong. I-I-I didn't believe it, I knew that Cross said it was powerful but it was so small and innocent and I thought it was wrong but I was wrong, it's wrong, that thing, i-it's wrong wrong WRONG!**_ **IT'S DIGESTING THEM!"**

The disgustingly organic gurgles and squishes, accompanied by the occasional crack of snapping bone coming over the connection had pretty thoroughly backed up Soundbite's latest scream. And with that, only Blackbeard managed to keep his lunch down, and he glared at the snail murderously.

"Straw Hat… _slaughter that monster_ ," he snarled.

**-o-**

For the first time since they had known him, the Revolutionaries saw their leader thoroughly shocked. And not a single one of them was surprised; the half-digested forms of Luffy's sixteen crewmates seemed to run together, limbs sticking out at random, their eyes blank black sockets that seemed to weep black sludge if you looked at them too long, and their mouths open in silent screams. This macabre sculpture of agony and horror connected back to the gaping, monstrous head of the Lily Carnation. The cute flower was gone; all that remained was a bleached, spotted head drooling green slime, an expression of hunger on its face, and a tinkling giggle coming from its mouth, a sound more at home in a kids' puppet show than the horror before them.

"I can hear them…" Dragon quietly ground out. "They have no mouths… and yet they scream."

As one, the Revolutionaries blanched. And through it all, Omatsuri… just laughed. A dark, sadistic sound that reverberated through the bones and organs of all who heard it. It was quite clear that he was enjoying every second of this. Then, abruptly, he stopped, and spoke a single word.

" _Die._ "

The image snapped back towards Luffy, who was staring at Lily Carnation with a gaping, horrified expression that would have been comical in just about any other situation. But not this one. The horrific scene before them, the whispered agony coming over the speakers, the absolutely _terrified_ expression on their Transponder Snail… it sucked up humor, consumed all emotion until nothing was left but deep, soul-crushing despair.

And that scream…

"LUFFY! _**RUN!**_ **THE ARROWS!** "

The entire room gasped as they saw every arrow, every last one of the _thousands_ of arrows scattered beneath the blood-red moon, begin to soar towards Luffy. And the worst part was that Luffy didn't run; he only slowly began to turn towards the storm of complete death that soared towards him. Actually, no. The worst part was the glimpse of his face everyone caught. Dull. Lifeless. The arrows… they were merely finishing a job already complete. It was a face they were all _far_ too familiar with.

And as one of their number took in the sight, something in his brain snapped, and he realized _exactly_ what he was seeing.

"LUUUUUUUFFYYYYYYY!" Sabo screamed as the arrows struck.

**-o-**

Every man and woman in Makino's bar that had retained consciousness and found the courage to stay in earshot of the snail came to immensely regret that decision over the next full _minute._ The only sounds that filled the bar were the unmistakable din of thousands of arrows crashing to the ground, more every second, and Soundbite's agonized wailing. Then Omatsuri spoke again.

" _Every single one of those arrows symbolizes a day of loneliness I endured after that storm. They are the number of the regrets I have suffered at suddenly losing every one of my beloved crewmates."_

Nobody in the bar could they bring themselves to care as the Baron confirmed Soundbite's theory; all they could think of was that this man and his monster—no, _these monsters_ , had killed Luffy. All of those arrows, and from Soundbite's wailing, they could only imagine how many of them Luffy had endured. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the sound of the hellish rain ceased, leaving only Soundbite's sobs to fill the numbing silence.

" _LUFFY!_ **LUFFY!"**

Makino's lip bled from how hard she was biting it as tears streamed down her face, and not a single patron of the bar, not even Woop Slap, no matter how hard he dug his fingers into his own arm, had dry eyes.

"Luffy…"

**-o-**

" _Have you had a glimpse of what I've endured?_ "

The sheer _force_ that filled the room where the screen was broadcasting Soundbite's vision was suffocating. Borsalino was sweating bullets, a nervous look in place of his typical expression. Kuzan was shivering from the sheer chill of the willpower. Even Sakazuki was panting from the effort to stay conscious; only Sengoku and the immunized Transponder Snail were fully able to withstand the unbridled _rage_ and _agony_ of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, and even then Sengoku was sweating furiously and the snail was only half-conscious.

Garp's fists were blackened, his teeth almost cracking from how much he was grinding them, and his eyes… looking into his eyes, every last Admiral and Vice Admiral knew the very meaning of fear.

" **How dare you do this to my grandson…** " he whispered with all the force of a tempest, earthquake, and firestorm rolled into one.

"Garp… you already _know_ that we're going to invoke the greatest Buster Call in history on Omatsuri Island as soon as this broadcast ends," Sengoku stated, frowning heavily; for all that the Straw Hats had been thorns in his side, and for all that he _thoroughly_ expected an order to leave Omatsuri Island alone from the Elder Stars due to the fact that its owner—and indeed, perhaps its sole living inhabitant—seemed to solely target pirates, _no one_ deserved to go through what he was witnessing now. Absolutely _no one._

"Buster Call? _No…_ that's too hands-off," Garp snarled. "We can destroy the island after I've _ripped that monster apart WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!"_

"As you wish, Garp," Sengoku consented; there could be no more just a course of action.

"I'll go and start preparing the ships now," Tsuru stated, her fear at the rage of her old friend suppressed by the sheer disgust and horror of the events transpiring.

**-o-**

The submarine-ship of the Heart Pirates was deathly silent as its inhabitants stared at the sobbing snail before them.

There was no other noise to be heard, no monologuing, no screaming, just… sobbing. Tears of misery and desperation, bubbling up from the snail without end.

So frozen were they all that none made to stop Bepo when he silently stood up and started to shuffle towards the snail, reaching for the mic…

"Room, Shambles."

"GAH!"

When suddenly the silence was broken by a pained yelp, on account of Bepo and the previously seated Penguin swapping places unexpectedly and Penguin falling on his ass.

"Captain…" the bear Mink started, glancing at his captain uneasily.

"Don't touch that Snail," Law ordered, never shifting from his position with his elbows balanced on his knees and his hands folded before his face.

"Law, look," Penguin sighed as he rubbed his aching posterior. "We know you've been eyeing the Straw Hats as potential allies, but they're _done._ Luffy got hit by… damn, I don't even _know_ how many arrows—!"

"One-hundred seventy-four direct hits, sixty-six nicks," Law summarized emotionlessly.

Penguin took a moment to shiver before spreading his arms helplessly. "My point exactly, captain. I'm sorry, but he's—!"

"Not dead."

"Law—!"

"Both lungs punctured, stomach pierced numerous times, his small and large intestines as well, numerous lacerations to his muscular system, broken ribs, collar bone, humerus, radiuses, ulna—"

"Law, what are you—?!"

"Those are all the places he _was_ hit." Law's crewmates froze at the statement. "Brain, heart, kidneys, spinal cord… any injuries to these locations would have been instantly fatal." Law's knuckles became white as he tightened his grip. " _None of them were hit."_

Everyone was silent until Bepo swallowed and raised his hand. "Aye, Captain, but—!"

"His body hasn't hit the ground, Bepo."

"— _erk!"_ The mink and the crew as a whole stiffened in realization.

"His body. Has yet. To hit the ground," Law repeated tonelessly, his glare never leaving the sobbing snail. "Once it does, _then_ it's hopeless. But until then…"

Suddenly, a minute, _shuddering_ gasp so light it could have been a death rattle wafted over the connection, and the snail snapped its eyes open in shock. " **LUFFY!"**

"This. Isn't. Over."

**-o-**

"Not yet over…" Basil Hawkins muttered to himself as he fretfully re-shuffled his deck with shaking hands, his natural calm well and thoroughly broken. "How can it possibly not yet be over?" Once he finished mixing up his cards, he carelessly tossed them onto the table he was sitting at, staring at the results that showed up in bewildered confusion. "How… this is… inconceivable…"

"C-Captain?" one of his subordinates noted nervously, watching his captain's actions over his shoulder.

"The Four, Six, Nine and Queen of Wands," Hawkins read off, more to himself than his crew. "The Magician, The Chariot, Strength, the Wheel of Fortune, _The Star itself…"_

"W-What does it mean, captain?"

Hawkins scowled as he covered his mouth in thought. "All cards that indicate hope, victory and positivity, forcing themselves to the top of the deck…" He then flipped over the deck he was holding, and displayed the final card that would have been played. "While the Tower, the card of disaster, relegates itself to the bottom of the deck every time, all while reversing itself every time I look at it, to boot…"

"I'd say you're just not shuffling well, voodoo-man, but for once I actually _agree_ with those parlor tricks of yours!"

The fortuneteller twitched at the familiar voice that broke his concentration, and offhandedly glared at its source as he swept his cards back into his deck and started to shuffle again. "Kid."

The punk-styled pirate captain that was sitting at the counter of the bar, his almost-empty bottle nestled in a deep dent in the wood, glared daggers at the sobbing Transponder Snail that had everyone's attention. "You heard how hard that dumbass was fighting," Kid growled acridly. "If you think that a few arrows being stuck in him now will stop him, then you are dead _wrong!"_ He punctuated the statement by splitting the bar with his fist.

Kid huffed heavily for a few seconds before holding out his hand to the slightly nervous barkeep, who promptly filled it with a full bottle.

"That moron's not dead yet," he growled with finality. "And I won't accept that he's actually lost until I see it with my own two eyes! WHO'S WITH ME!?" he roared, lifting his bottle up high, a motion that was reciprocated by his first mate and the rest of the crew.

As if in response to the show of support, someone spoke on the other end in a clear voice, that of a young girl.

" _Don't lose! Mister Reindeer and the others are still calling you! 'Luffy, you can do it! Luffy, you can do it!' They're cheering for you! So… So don't lose!"_

The voice echoed through the complete silence in the bar. Even Soundbite's sobbing stopped, though the snail's expression made it clear that he was only barely suppressing them. Then… another sound rang out across the connection.

**-o-**

Jewelry Bonney tensed furiously, her hands balling up in the tablecloth of the table she was sitting at, sweat pouring down her face.

Clicking and clacking echoed through the silent air, every sound as loud as a gunshot. Some were ignorable, wood against wood, arrows knocking against one another as Straw Hat moved… but others… metal against metal. Metal against _bone._

Bonney had stopped eating long before things had gotten this bad, her appetite banished by the sounds of one of the best crews on the Grand Line self-destructing, but this…

Bonney bit into her lip, eyes starting to water at the sting of the bile creeping up her throat, beckoned ever closer by the horrendous clicking.

These noises, the _images_ they conjured _,_ threatened to bring up every meal she'd eaten in the past 24 hours.

And just when it seemed like she was about to lose the fight against her own body another sound came across. A susurrus, like a breeze blowing through the branches of a dead tree, rustling nothing. Like wind brushing across the cold stone tombstones of a cemetery. Like the final breath of a dying man giving up the fight against his fate. But none of those were fully accurate… for the sounds were coherent, a chorus of voices calling out in whispers a singular message.

" _Luffy… Luffy… Luffy…"_

Bonney froze as she heard the voices, coming so close, _so close_ to completely and utterly emptying herself…

Before raising her fists and _slamming them_ on the tabletop, followed by her swallowing _hard_ and forcing every last speck of her stomach's contents back into place. The instant her airway was clear, she started to bellow furiously.

"COME ON, STRAW HAT!" she cried, causing her crewmates to jump in shock. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PATHETIC DISPLAY IS THIS?! YOU KICKED GOD'S FUCKING ASS, KICK THIS PSYCHO'S TOO! WIN, FUCKING DAMN IT! _WIN!"_

**-o-**

"YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY! SHOW THAT BASTARD WHAT IT MEANS TO COME FROM MOUNT CORVO!" Dadan yelled. The rest of her boys were no less exuberant.

"RIP HIM TO PIECES, LUFFY!" Dogra snarled.

"POUND THAT BASTARD'S SMUG SMIRK SIX FEET UNDER!" Magra roared.

"GO, LUFFY!" came the raucous chorus that echoed through the entirety of Mount Corvo.

**-o-**

The swordmaster's outward quiet belied the anxiety he felt, clearly evidenced by the sweat on his face, serious enough that he hadn't even bothered to replace his glasses. But nobody else in the dojo had anywhere close to as much control as he did.

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" screamed one boy.

"SAVE ZORO! SAVE YOUR CREW!" bellowed another.

And much the same came from every other student. Koshiro's fists clenched as he forced himself not to join in just as exuberantly—or worse, to grab his sword and the nearest ship to go _chop that island in half._

**-o-**

"COME ON, BOY!" Genzo roared as he tried desperately to leap to his feet.

"SHOW THE STRENGTH AND GUTS YOU HAD WHEN YOU BEAT ARLONG!" Nojiko yelled over her shoulder before returning her attention to pressing down on Genzo's shoulder and keeping him pinned in his bed. "And as for you, stay _still!_ You suffered a heart attack, you need to rest if you want to get better!" She then leaned in close to Doctor Nako, who was on the other side of the bed and helping her fight to keep the de-facto leader of Cocoyashi down. " _He_ will _get better, right?"_ she hissed beneath the cheers of the crowd outside.

"I'M FINE, I FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS! NOW LET ME UP SO THAT I CAN CHEER PROPERLY! GO, LUFFY! BASH THAT BASTARD'S SKULL IN!"

"DO IT, BRAT, WIN!" Doctor Nako shouted out the door of his practice before scrabbling to strap down one of Genzo's limbs as he glared at the ex-soldier. "That's the pain medicine talking, Genzo, the only thing that will make you better is time!" He then leaned close to Nojiko. " _Are you kidding? After having a heart attack at his age? He's lucky to be alive!"_ he whispered back.

"I'VE RESTED MORE THAN ENOUGH, WHAT I _NEED_ IS TO BE ON MY FEET! NOW LET ME UP ALREADY! WHACK THAT WEED, STRAW HAT!"

"UPROOT IT AND SAVE MY SISTER, DAMN IT!" "Please, Genzo, we're only doing this because we care about you!" " _Well, how bad is it then!?"_

" _End this nightmare, Luffy!"_ "Listen to Nojiko, Genzo, you shouldn't push yourself like this!" "WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE!"

"HE'S PUSHING HIMSELF FOR NAMI, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I DO— _WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"_

"…Whoops. Ah… _hey, look, a fishman!"_

"WHERE?!"

_CRACK!_

" _Pretty colors…"_

"…How often do you do that?"

"Almost every other week, and not all on him. Having a common phobia is _useful!_ Now, back to business: KEEP GOING, STRAW HAT!"

**-o-**

"SAVE CAPTAIN USOPP! SAVE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!" the Veggie Trio yelled, tears streaming down their faces from bloodshot eyes.

"FIGHT, LUFFY, FIGHT! WIN! YOU CAN DO IT!" Merry cheered, fans in hand.

"SAVE USOPP, LUFFY! SHOW THAT HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN FOLLOWING YOU!" Kaya screamed, fighting through her weakness.

And the entirety of Syrup Village shouted along with them.

**-o-**

Zeff was straining both of his legs as he sped through the restaurant, tirelessly filling the orders of the customers, preparing them, sending them to their tables, taking the payments and dishes, washing them, and repeating the process. Despite the sweat coursing down his face, so much so that his well-braided mustache was beginning to droop, he had no intention of doing it any other way except for alone. And why was that, when they were in the middle of a massive rush despite the nauseous show they were listening to, and with no shortage of chefs?

"BEAT IT TO THE GROUND, STRAW HAT!" "POUND IT TO PIECES LIKE KRIEG'S ARMOR!" "PLUCK THAT THING'S PETALS!" " _SAVE SANJI!"_

Because the rest of his staff was busy with cheering on the most incredible pirate he had seen since he retired. And considering the fact that he wanted nothing more than to do that cheering himself, he had little choice but to allow the rest of them to do it instead while he, the only one who was capable of keeping a level head through this, took care of the business.

" _Win, Straw Hat, WIN!"_

But that didn't stop him from hissing encouragements under his breath whenever he got a moment alone.

**-o-**

"SHOW WHAT THE WILL OF D. IS ALL ABOUT, STRAW HAT! SAVE YOUR CREW! _SAVE MY SON!"_

The humans watching paused briefly in their cheering to gape at Kureha, who had joined in after a few seconds of trembling silently, her expression ferocious and tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Doctor Kureha—" Dalton began in shock.

"FUCK MY VANITY, I'M PAST THE POINT OF CARING ABOUT DENYING IT!" Kureha roared. "MAKE THAT MONSTER PAY, STRAW HAT! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON US NOW!"

Everyone else gaped for a moment more before they raised their own voices to the rose-colored heavens.

"GO, LUFFY!/GO, STRAW HAT!/YOU CAN DO IT!"

**-o-**

"GET THEM, STRAW HAT! YOU DEFEATED A WARLORD, DON'T LOSE TO AN OLD MAN AND A GLORIFIED WEED!" Cobra roared.

"SIRE, YOUR BLOOD PRESS—GAH!" Pell attempted to protest before wincing as Cobra rapped his official Royal Rod over his skull.

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE, MY LITTLE GIRL IS IN DANGER!"

"SIRE, THAT ROD IS AN ANCESTRAL HEIRLOOM DATING BACK TO—!" THWACK! "—YEOWCH!" Igaram cut himself off in favor of hopping around on his un-struck foot as he cursed up a storm.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE HOW OLD THIS THING IS!? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS FENDING YOU JACKALS OFF SO THAT I CAN CHEER ON LUFFY! _WIN, DAMN YOU, WIN!"_

Kohza's eye twitched slightly as he peered around the doorway to the throne room. "And he is _how old_ again?"

Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan as his commander in chief managed to nail his fellow Guardian with a well-placed gut shot. "On that fine, fine line that separates 'too old' and 'not old enough'." Nonetheless, he lowered his hand the following moment, a dark look on his face. "But quite frankly, I can hardly blame His Majesty under these circumstances. Straw Hat is making good on his promise to protect Vivi or die trying. And I hope beyond all hope that he's strong enough to make it through this." He then cocked an eyebrow at Kohza. "How come you're not panicking just as much as him, by the way?"

Kohza swallowed heavily as he redirected his gaze to the Transponder Snail with stoic silence, catching his best friend's whisper in the quiet pleas every time he strained his ears. "Because pleading acknowledges the possibility of defeat, which would mean that I'd have to accept that Vivi is _gone…"_ His knuckles turned white as he gripped the doorframe. "And I just don't think that I'd be able to survive that."

**-o-**

"DON'T FALL TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" Wiper roared. "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, STRAW HAT, YOU CAN WIN!"

"SEND THAT DEVIL OF A PLANT BACK TO HELL WHERE IT BELONGS, LUFFY!" Gan Fall bellowed in agreement.

"COME ON, CAPTAIN! YOU CAN'T FALL, I HAVEN'T JOINED YET!" Aisa shouted at the top of her lungs.

"PIEEEEE! PIEEEEE!" Pierre screeched, regretting for the first time that he didn't have that embarrassing voice that the snail gave him anymore; he would give anything to voice his support.

"JULALALALA! JULALALALA!" Nola herself cried to the heavens, uncaring of whether she was understood or not. All she cared about was that she was losing her friends _again,_ only this time she wasn't going to let it happen silently. This time… this time she would be _heard._

_**CLAAAAAANG! CLAAAAAANG!** _

The rest of the inhabitants of the island worked tirelessly to ring the Fire of Shandora in support for Luffy, their cries of support singing out as much as the bell itself.

**-o-**

"DESTROY HIM, LUFFY!" Ace roared, sending up a pillar of flames that was almost _biblical_ in scale.

"GIVE HIM HELL, STRAW HAT!" Squardo concurred, waving his sword in the air in agreement.

"ALL CANNONS, FIRE AT WILL!" Whitey bellowed at the Baby Transponder Snail she was holding, prompting her crew on her _Tsarina_ to scramble to man the warship's copious armory. "FILL THE AIR WITH AS MUCH NOISE AS YOU CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW FAR AWAY HE IS, _WE ARE LETTING HIM KNOW WE'RE RIGHT THERE WITH HIM!"_

" **AYE, CAPTAIN!"** chorused the crew. And if it wasn't visible from Omatsuri Island, then enough people saw it that the world would soon know that these certain followers of the strongest man in the world were supporting the rubber warrior.

**-o-**

"LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW!"

Every Revolutionary present in the Baltigo command center was staring at their Chief of Staff in stunned surprise as he practically _throttled_ the nearest Transponder Snail. He had nearly blacked out upon seeing that many arrows had hit Luffy, though his scream beforehand was no small shock to everyone present.

Or rather, almost everyone.

"He's your younger brother, isn't he?" Dragon asked quietly.

Sabo's fingers cracked the snail's shell as he and the rest of the room looked at his leader. Slowly, he released the gastropod and forced his hands to his sides, his fingers digging into his palms and tears starting to fall down his face.

"And he hasn't changed a bit in the last ten years," Sabo confirmed. "He always does this, rushing into danger without even thinking. He never would have made it out of childhood if Ace and I hadn't been there."

"'Ace'?" Koala repeated numbly, her brain stalling as she tried to process what that meant. "Do you mean—!?"

"Better known nowadays as 'Fire-Fist' Ace of the Whitebeard Pirates," Sabo confirmed before snapping his attention back to the screen and gritting his teeth. "LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW! IF YOU DIE RIGHT AFTER I REMEMBER YOU, _I'LL CRAWL INTO THE UNDERWORLD SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU AGAIN MYSELF!"_

Dragon quietly turned away. And as soon as nobody could see his face, he allowed it to contort murderously.

' _I know you won't lose, Luffy… but if you don't kill that monster for this, then I will.'_

**-o-**

The entire island metropolis of Water 7 had fallen silent in response to the SBS broadcast, the horrors following the hope leaving every soul unable to speak, even as Straw Hat began stumbling. But at the moment the whispers of his crew began to come through…

" **COME ON, STRAW HAT!"**

The town suddenly jumped when Franky's voice _boomed_ over the island like the voice of Poseidon.

It took Iceburg a second to get his wits back, but once he did he stared up at the spout of water, blinking at the speck of a person he could see framed by the spout. "Huh… so he actually managed to get that water-based amplifier working. I just thought that was hot air."

Kalifa shakily readjusted her glasses. "Should I send some men to start dismantling it?"

" **YOU MANAGED TO BEAT CROCODILE AND YOU MANAGED TO BEAT GOD, ARE YOU REALLY GONNA LOSE TO A WEED!? BEAT THAT BASTARD, SHOW THE WORLD JUST HOW** _ **SUPER!**_ **YOU ARE!"**

Iceburg was silent for a second before allowing himself a grim smirk. "Give him five minutes."

" _ **SUPER!"**_

The mayor's eyes widened as he noticed a crack starting to trail up the glass of his windows. "Then tell them to do their worst."

**-o-**

"ANNIHILATE THAT EXCUSE FOR A FLOWER!" Marigold roared.

"CRUSH IT TO DUST, STRAW HAT!" Sandersonia screeched.

"LET THAT MONSTER FEEL THE PAIN IT INFLICTED, STRAW HAT LUFFY! SEND IT TO HELL!" Hancock screamed.

Even from the palace, the Gorgon Sisters' screams of support carried throughout the island. But it wasn't that strange that most of the Kujas failed to notice…

"GO, STRAW HAT!"/"WIN!"/"SAVE YOUR CREW!"/"KILL THAT MONSTER!"

Considering that they were being no less vocal in their support. Even Elder Nyon was raising her voice for the first time in… basically forever. Yet, among a more quiet minority closer to the snail, a small group of amazons were on their knees, taking in every plea that they heard from the trapped group, a susurrus of support coming from their mouths. One of the warriors was _particularly_ fervent at that.

"Quetzalcoatl, Apophis, Nagaraja, Set, Ouroboros, Asclepius. Great heavenly serpents, hear my pleas," Marguerite whispered, her head bowed and hands clasped in prayer. "I realize that our tribe has not worshipped any of you in countless generations, but nonetheless, I _beg_ you: show this man your favor!" She shook her head desperately. "Whether or not most men are as evil as the Princess and her crew say, I know not, and at this moment I do not _care._ But this man… Luffy…" Tears slowly trailed from the Kuja's eyes in spite of her determination to hold them back. "Please, I beg of you… let him win… let him _live."_

The prayers continued in the same vein for a minute that took up an eternity, before all at once, they fell silent as the noises from the broadcast changed: Luffy wasn't moving anymore, but his quiet, pained breathing persisted, indicating that he was still alive in spite of it all, and the Baron's own breathing had accelerated dramatically. Then Daisy's voice came again.

" _Yes, just like that! They're all with you, all the way!"_

**-o-**

" _Daisy, can you really hear their voices? Papa can't hear anything,"_ Papa said, audible in the sudden absence of cheers.

" _To tell you the truth, I heard everything you told Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox behind that grave earlier this evening."_

Papa gasped as Daisy continued. " _My hearing is naturally adept. I can hear even the tiniest sound. But I pretended not to know. You're always trying so hard to keep us happy."_

"… _Daisy,"_ Papa breathed, thunderstruck by his daughter's words.

" _But I believe that you really are strong!"_

A pause, and the snail's expression conveyed a single tear about to fall from a shocked face. But he blinked it away before it could leave his eye, his lip trembling for a moment. Then he smiled. " _Of course,"_ he said with more confidence than he had shown before. " _Papa is strong!"_

"Aww…" Tashigi crooned kindly.

"Is now really the time?" Smoker huffed with a cocked eyebrow.

"Forgive me for trying to find a speck of light and hope in all this darkness!" the ensign snapped at her superior, before promptly paling as she realized just what she'd said. "Ah, f-forgive me, sir?"

Meanwhile, over the connection, Soundbite seemed to be trying to out-cynical Smoker. "HEARTWARMING, _truly!_ _ **Now if only you'd do it later—!"**_ There was suddenly a gurgling growl as the revived Transponder Snail's expression twisted into something _monstrous._ " _ **WHEN YOU'RE NOT RISKING DRAWING THE DAMN MONSTER'S ATTENTION!?"**_

Smoker grimaced. "Damn it, that's not good."

Suddenly, without warning, the sound of running came across the broadcast, as well as one of the kids calling after their father.

"WHA— _WHOA!_ _ **Papa Tearoom**_ _grabbed the Baron's_ BOW AND ARROW! _**HE'S TAKING AIM!"**_

A sound of shaking, the arrow trembling against the bow, and then a gasp of shock and fear.

"FUCKING—! _COME ON ALREADY, YOU CAME THAT FAR!_ _ **FUCKING FINISH IT**_ **!"**

The demonic plant's tinkling purr came across the connection, clearly setting its sights on Papa. And from the snail's expression, the older man was scared out of his wits.

" _You can do it, Papa!"_ Daisy encouraged.

" _Papa!"_ Rose and Rick agreed.

" _Papa, shoot! Shoot!"_ Daisy urged.

"DO IT, _OLD MAN,_ **DO IT!"**

"Come on, come on…" Tashigi pleaded as she clasped her hands desperately.

Papa cried out, a sound of equal parts desperation and determination. Then a snap as the arrow flew free. Whistling came across the connection for a few seconds…

And then the most graphic and grotesque sound they had heard for the last several years rang out. It was the clear sound of metal and wood piercing flesh, and guts spilling out of it, alongside the plant's weakening laughter. And it was _music_ to their ears.

" _AH! LILY! AH, LILYYYYY!"_ came the Baron's cry.

"YES!" Tashigi whooped as she threw her hands up victoriously. "HE DID IT!"

Smoker grinned viciously around his cigar. "Now they just need to finish the job."

" _Y-Y-YES! YES YES_ **FUCKING** _**YES!**_ **PAPA TEAROOM** _ **DID IT!**_ _THE PLANT'S A PILE OF_ GUTS! _AND—_ what the— **I CAN HEAR** _ **EVERYTHING NOW—AND**_ **THE ARROWS** _ **ARE GONE!**_ DISAPPEARED! **LUFFY,** _ **DON'T FALL OVER YET!**_ "

The disturbingly wonderful sound of plant guts and blood falling to the ground echoed out, followed by the Baron's voice.

" _How could this happen to you?"_ he blubbered, sounding as though he was sifting through the guts. " _But now, Muchigoro, my crew, my friends, they'll all…"_

The sobbing subsided, and his voice became downright demented.

" _Unforgivable…_ _ **UNFORGIVABLE!**_ _I'LL—"_

A loud splash drew everyone's attention. Omatsuri gasped in what sounded like horror. Then, with a scream of pure rage from Luffy, his fist connected with enough force to break the very air. The Baron's body was heard tumbling for several seconds before it finally subsided. A few more seconds of silence. And then…

"… **He's** _ **dead,"**_ Soundbite said firmly. " _The Baron. HE'S_ DEAD."

And just like that, the mood in the cabin swapped from joyous to utterly shocked.

"He… he actually did it? Luffy killed him?" Tashigi breathed.

Smoker was contemplatively silent for a moment before exhaling a cloud of smoke as he allowed himself to relax. "No… no, he didn't. Omatsuri died along with his crew. The only thing alive on that island was the plant. That… _person_ was just another one of the ghosts it was keeping in existence."

Tashigi faced her superior with a neutral expression before exhaling. "…I'm not sure I would have been able to hold anything against Luffy for it even if he was alive," she admitted softly.

Smoker shook his head with a sigh. "You and everyone else in the world, Ensign." He gazed at the transponder snail hiccuping on the crate. "You and everyone else."

**-o-**

"How depressing," a sword-wielding old man said nonchalantly. "Such a useful pirate trap, not only dismantled but dismantled before it could remove one of our greatest thorns from our side in a permanent manner. What a waste."

"But possibly a waste we can salvage. We should see about recovering the parts remaining of that plant and sending it to Vegapunk," mused a relatively younger man whose hair yet remained blond. "If we could recreate the entity for ourselves, the benefits would be innumerable."

"Highly unlikely," sighed the tallest of the old men, whose beard and mustache were split into three different points. "I'm certain that Sengoku, sentimental fool that he is, has already issued the orders for a Buster Call on that island, and I have no doubts that he would disregard any orders to do otherwise." He grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose as a familiar headache flared up in his skull. "At the least, _Garp_ certainly would. And aside from that, if the earlier broadcast was any indication, it targeted pirates only for the sake of convenience. I have no doubt that the only reason it didn't consume Omatsuri was that he was a perfect pawn; as depressing as it is to lose such a convenient weapon, this would be a beast far too wild for us to hope to control properly."

The other four of the Elder Stars scowled, but silently conceded the point nonetheless.

"Still, that being the case, perhaps we can use the fact that Straw Hat Luffy killed Omatsuri to our advantage," rumbled the one with a staff whose hair was styled in dreadlocks. "He hasn't killed before now, but now that he has we can prove that he is no better than any of the other scum that roams the seas."

"That's equally doubtful," growled yet another, birthmarks on his forehead, a large mustache on his face, and regret clear in his voice. "The world will no doubt sympathize with the surviving fool's plight, and rejoice in the demise of the man who had tortured him and so many others before him."

" _Brief… the Baron…"_

The five of them turned their attention back to the snail as Straw Hat's weakened voice rang out.

" _He's gone now,"_ Brief reassured him softly. " _He'll never destroy another crew thanks to you."_

" _Hi… his crew…"_ he breathed. " _Are… are they on… the island…?"_

" _What do you mean?"_ Brief asked in confusion.

" _There's a large graveyard on this island,"_ Papa spoke up. " _That must be where the Baron buried his crew long ago."_

Luffy inhaled several times before forcing out, " _Please… bury him… with his crew…"_

" _STRAW HAT?!"_ Brief exclaimed.

" _ **ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"**_ Soundbite raged.

" _After everything he's done? Why would you do such a thing?"_ Papa demanded.

" _He… was alone in life. He… shouldn't be… alone in death. No one… deserves to be alone…"_ Luffy breathed.

A pause.

" _ **Luffy…"**_ Soundbite said in awe.

" _Let… him be with his… crew."_

Another pause.

" _Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox were right about you. You are a great man."_

The atmosphere in the room was thunderous.

"Well, this is just perfect, isn't it?" the sword-wielder asked sarcastically.

The youngest of the five shook his head with a scowl. "Any chances of us turning the world against Dragon's son have just become _nil._ _Perfect."_

The mustachio's scowl matched his compatriot line for line. "I so very _hate_ D.s…"

**-o-**

" _Before I take his body_ … _Soundbite? I think I remember you saying that your broadcast reaches the entire world, right?"_

"Yeah?"

" _May I…?"_

" **Take** _the speaker_. _SAY_ WHATEVER YOU WANT."

A short pause followed by the sound of fumbling with the microphone. And then…

"… _People of the world. My name is Brief, Captain and sole member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, and until today, unwilling inhabitant of Omatsuri Island. I had never thought it possible that I would be able to do this, but with the opportunity presented me now, I intend to share the truth of what this island truly was, utilizing what I have learned over my years as a prisoner here… and the final pieces I've put together today._

" _Twenty-four years ago, a powerful pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates was caught in a horrible storm. Their ship wrecked on this island, and the only survivor was Baron Omatsuri, the captain. On this island… he met a demonic, sentient plant known as the Lily Carnation, the flower of death and rebirth. The Lily attached to him in a form of symbiosis, and used his memories to create golems of his former crew, in exchange for food. Baron Omatsuri trapped himself in an illusion with his crew still alive, and set up this entire island as a masquerade to lure crews to. The plants, the landscapes, the staff, the Baron's arrows… pure illusions, created by the Lily._

" _He sent out the sole Eternal Pose for the island time and again. Each time, a new group of pirates came and were tested by his Ordeals. At the same time, their bonds and minds were poisoned by the Lily, its influence present throughout the entire island. And after they were broken, they were swallowed alive and digested. This is the fate that befell my crew; the Baron made me watch it, and he spared not one of them despite my pleas. Unable to escape, I made my home in the underground of the island, safe from the Baron. Over the years, I watched many crews come to the island and fall prey to the Lily, despite my efforts to save them. The only group of pirates to escape was the Tearoom Pirates."_

A new voice took his place.

" _I am… well, call me Papa. I am the captain of the Tearoom Pirates… and I confess that I was a coward until today. We escaped the Goldfish Catching game and went into hiding on the island when we could not escape. My crewmates, my children, gave me the strength that I needed to be strong today, and with their help, along with the help of the Straw Hat Pirates, I slayed the Lily Carnation."_

Brief spoke again.

" _Monkey D. Luffy of the Straw Hat Pirates is the only man ever to face everything that the Baron could throw at him and triumph. We played only a small part in his victory. Crucial, I confess… but small. He now lies here, exhausted and greatly injured, but having succeeded in saving his crew. All of them are still alive. He has triumphed, and no more crews will ever fall victim to this most horrible of fates. Yet, I ask that for those of you who listen, for all of the men and women who came to this island only to be broken and killed more cruelly than imaginable… may they rest in peace now that they have been avenged."_

Sengoku frowned before slowly reaching for the snail.

"What are you doing?" Garp asked quietly.

"A number of things that I never would have expected to do in my life," Sengoku replied, dialing a specific number. A moment later, the snail on the other end picked up.

" _Who's_ _ **calling**_ _?"_ Soundbite mumbled, his usually perky and energetic voice subdued and weary.

"This is Sengoku, Fleet Admiral of the Navy."

Dead silence fell on both ends.

"By my authority as head of the Marines, I hereby grant complete amnesty to all remaining members of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates and the Tearoom Pirates for any crimes committed to this date, for their role in ridding our world of a great evil. And to Monkey D. Luffy, captain of the Straw Hat Pirates…" He paused as he gathered his thoughts and prepared himself for what he was about to say. "While outright amnesty is unfortunately more than I can grant to a crew that has caused as much of a stir as yours, I would be willing to offer you the position of Warlord that has been vacant since Crocodile's dismissal. The Five Elder Stars would doubtless be furious at me offering the position to a D., of all people, but considering what you have done, I would regardless be willing… were it not for the fact that I'm certain that you have no interest in the position."

The image of Monkey D. Luffy smiled and let out a weak chuckle. " _No way. I already told Whitebeard, the Pirate King can't have a boss._ "

"That's what I thought," Sengoku stated, a ghost of a smile on his face. "I'm sending a fleet to find that island and ensure that any lingering traces of that monster are obliterated, so I suggest that you leave as soon as you and your crew have recovered. Consider this warning my thanks."

Sengoku made to hang up the snail, but Garp reached out to take the speaker. The Fleet Admiral allowed him to take it, and he spoke.

"Luffy… it's Gramps," he said quietly, tears streaming down his face. "I saw and heard everything. You fought incredibly. I… I'm proud of you, and I'm so glad that you're still alive."

" _Heh… thanks, Gramps. Me too. So, does this mean you're alright with me being Pirate King?"_

"Tch… cheeky brat," Garp chuckled weakly. "We'll talk about that when I'm _not_ too happy to think straight. Expect me to pay you a visit as soon as I'm done making sure that _monster_ never comes back."

With that, he hung up the snail.

**-o-**

The six officers of Navarone remained silent as the sounds of the SBS slowly diminished, none on Omatsuri Island able to spare the thought that the broadcast was still going on, but nothing came through now apart from a welcome silence.

Finally, the red-haired man broke the silence, turning to his wife. "I believe that we've received all the indication we need, Jessica. Do you agree?"

The head chef of the base gazed at the fitfully sleeping Transponder Snail in the room for a moment before giving her husband a firm look. "Personally, Jonathan? Considering what we had to do to get to this point, I was ready to agree the moment I saw the proposition." She smirked wryly. "I'm glad some of your fisherman's patience has rubbed off on me over the years, because there's never going to be a better opportunity to change things than this."

Drake shot confused looks between the top two of G8 in nervous confusion. "Ah… Excuse me, Commander, Chef Jessica, but… what are you talking about?" he asked in concern.

The married couple exchanged glances before focusing on the lieutenant commander. "Tell me, Drake: do you know the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine?" Jessica asked.

Drake blinked, looking puzzled. "Uh… the difference in how well they do their jobs?"

"To an extent, that's true..." Jonathan nodded slightly as he conceded the point. "But... tell me, if I were to define it for you as such…" He opened a drawer in his desk, withdrawing the letter he had received from Cross and reading the significant section out loud. "'A good Marine follows his orders to the letter and sacrifices everything for the sake of Justice, while a decent Marine sacrifices everything for the sake of all… _even_ Justice, if it comes down to it.'" He gave his officers a significant look. "If I were to define it like that… which would you want to be?"

The officers glanced at one another as they tried to think things over for a bit before ultimately snapping to attention. Drake in particular looked Jonathan dead in the eye as he folded his arms. "Obviously I'd choose to be decent when you put it that way. Anyone in Navarone would say the same."

"Ourselves included," Cormac nodded, Holger and Henrick nodding in agreement as well.

"Then let me ask you something else: are you willing to prove it, even if it means risking your life at the hands of the ones you serve?" Jonathan asked, getting to his feet and staring his officers in the eyes one by one, his expression dead serious. "I've been asking myself that question ever since the Straw Hat Pirates left this base, and at this point, I've found my answer. Akainu alone is proof that the Marine Corps isn't everything it should be; I tricked him into believing that I supported his brand of Justice, and that's the only reason I'm still alive. I'm going to see what I can do to put a stop to it. The question is… Drake, Cormac, Henrick, Holger, are you all with me?"

The four of them stood there, staring slack-jawed at their commanding officer. It was a testament to the men's loyalty, however, that it was only a few seconds before they snapped into salutes.

"I will follow the Justice that you see fit to follow, Vice Admiral Jonathan," Drake stated firmly.

"Sir!" the other three officers chorused as they snapped into uniform salutes.

"Good. Then let's find out what this is all about," Jessica said, dialing the number on Cross' letter into the Transponder Snail. A few rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ stated a female voice.

"Who am I speaking to?" Jonathan asked, ignoring the oddity of what she said.

"… _Password?"_

Jonathan blinked, and glanced back at the note, only for Terry and Isaiah to earn his attention with their cries. The pair of them hastily wrote out a note, which Jonathan read out loud. "Um… Old Spice?"

The snail let out a sigh of relief before answering. _"Correct. Vice Admiral Jonathan of Marine Branch G-8 on the island of Navarone?"_

"Speaking. Also present are my officers, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Lieutenant Cormac, Ensign Henrick, and Chief Petty Officer Holger, and my wife, Navarone's head chef, Jessica."

" _And what do you consider yourselves to be?"_

"We are decent Marines, ma'am," Drake stated firmly, the other three echoing him.

"As he said," Jonathan stated. The snail smiled.

" _You have no idea how happy and relieved I am to hear that,"_ it sighed in relief, but then grimaced. " _On the other hand, Cross is never going to let us hear the end of this one…"_

A sterner expression came across the snail's face.

" _It's a small price to pay for something like this, Tashigi. Vice Admiral Jonathan. I am Commodore Smoker, codename Cancer, one of the cofounders of the organization MI4…"_

**-o-**

On a certain island in an ocean that most would consider to be the end of the world, a certain pirate crew were morosely sitting around. The SBS broadcast hadn't ended, but little but silence had come after the two amnested pirate captains left to bury the Baron, to the point that their snail had fallen asleep, both to their and its great relief. None of the humans, though, had been able to fall asleep that night, still worried about the Straw Hat Pirates' fate; dead though the monsters were, Luffy was still heavily injured, and the rest of the crew had been in the midst of digestion. And so they were left to wait until dawn crept over the horizon.

" _Aaaah…"_ the snail suddenly yawned, snapping all attention back to it as it slowly woke up and spoke in a voice that the world had feared (and hoped) was silenced. " _Damn, that was a nice nap! I haven't slept so good in a while!"_

" _Tell me about it, Cross, I didn't think that the Merry could be… so… wait a second…"_ Nami's voice trailed off in confusion rising in shock. " _This isn't the Merry! Where are we!? And what the hell am I wearing anyways!?"_

" _You!? What about me!?"_ Vivi demanded. " _I look like a porcelain doll, and—! And… Carue, why are you sniffing me?"_

" _Because fo' sahm weason, you smeww wike wiwacs and wivah weeds."_

" _Wait, what!? Desert Goddess Number 12!? I swore that I'd only ever wear this concoction on my deathbed, and even then they'd have to fight my undead corpse to get it on me!"_

" _Well, I, for one, think that it smells delightful on you, my dear princess~!"_ Sanji cried jubilantly.

" _Maybe that's exactly why she_ doesn't _want to wear it, shit-cook."_

" _REPEAT THAT, MOSS-FOR-BRAINS!"_

" _Rise and shine, boys, we've slept long enough! WAKE UP!"_ Boss barked, followed by four splashes in swift succession. "' _Scuse me, I gotta go and teach these dipshits the penalties of sleeping in. Be right back!"_ And just like that there was yet another splash.

" _Will you guys please calm down already!? You're giving me a headache, my head's_ pounding _for some reason!"_ Usopp pleaded desperately. " _Also, has anyone seen my goggles!? I can't find them anywhere!"_

" _Mister Reindeer!"_ Daisy cried happily.

" _Wha—AH!"_ came Chopper's voice, the sound of a young girl slamming into his furry body coming across the connection. " _Uh, w-who are you and why are you hugging me?"_

" _I'm right there with you, Chopper,"_ Su said, halfway between groaning and purring. " _Conis seems really huggy right now!"_

" _I don't know why, I'm just so-o-oooo happy to see you-u-u…"_ Conis sobbed joyously.

" _Ah… not to lay it in there…"_ Lassoo spoke up hesitantly. " _But, ah, I feel a few quarts low. As in 'I feel like I laid down enough fire for a commando unit' low!"_

" _ **I don't mean to alarm anyone…"**_ the mystery crewmate cut in. " _ **But does anyone quite remember what occurred… last night, judging by the sun's position? Because for my part, I find myself sporting a frankly disturbing gap in my memories."**_

" _Eh? Tsk, of course I remember, woman!"_ Zoro scoffed. " _Last night, we… ah… we…"_ He slowly trailed off in realization. " _Wow, I must have really gotten into some good shit last night."_

" _Now you see_ exactly _why I don't drink! Besides my opinion that all alcohol tastes like piss to me, anyway."_

"… _You don't remember anything either, do you Cross?"_ Nami blandly accused.

" _Ah, ah, ah… SOUNDBITE!"_ the tactician yelped swiftly. " _Soundbite sure as hell doesn't drink, and he hasn't said anything yet! Plus, if it's enemy action, with any luck they'd have overlooked him so long as he was smart enough to clam up. Fat chance, I know, but hey, a guy can dream! So, what do you say, Soundbite? Anything you want… to… uh… are you alri—?"_

" _ **BWAAAAAAAAAAH!"**_

" _GAH! WHAT THE HELL, SOUNDBITE!?"_

" _I-I'M SOOORRYYY!"_ Soundbite sobbed miserably, clearly a mess of tears and snot. " **I-I-I'M JUST SO HAPPY Y-YOU'RE** _ **all aliiiive!**_ E-ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO _Luffy..."_

" _Eh? Luffy?"_ Nami blinked in confusion. " _What are you—Hey, wait, where_ is _Luffy? Why hasn't he said anything?"_

" _Oh, I see him, he's over there! I'll go and wake him up!"_ Usopp offered. " _Hey, Luffy, do you remember—? Eh? Luffy? Why are you covered… in… AGH! GUYS, LUFFY'S HURT ALL OVER, IT'S BAD!"_

" _WHAT!?"_ the crew chorused in shock.

" _HELP, WE NEED_ _ **A DOCTOR!"**_ Chopper started to sob before transitioning to a roar.

" _CRAZY OR SANE, EITHER WORKS, JUST GET TO WORK, CHOPPER!"_ Sanji ordered.

" **AGREED! BEGINNING THE OPERATION!"**

" _Ah, Cross?"_ Conis interjected nervously. " _Maybe you should hang up the SBS. I doubt your viewers would enjoy listening to more, well…"_

" _Eh? Hang up the—!? Wait, how long has this thing been on!?"_

" _With any luck? Maybe all night,"_ Lassoo suggested. " _Why don't you try asking the world, maybe someone was willing to stay up long enough to tell us what the heck happened?"_

_"Yeah, that works. Alright, let's see... uh, hello, viewers. So, ah, Soundbite's bawling his eyes out, Luffy looks worse than after his fight with Foxy, and I would say that I feel like I've gone through a keg party, save that I don't have the headache to go with it… not to mention the fact that I never drink alcohol if I can help it in case of this_ exact _scenario! Nobody seems to remember what happened last night, but it looks like the SBS has been running for a while… could anyone maybe call in and fill in the blanks for us?"_

The captain reached for the device, dialed the number, and tapped his fingers against the receiver.

" _Anonymous? Well, as long as someone can tell us… uh, anything, I guess. Alright, I think Soundbite's got the wherewithal needed to blur you, so go ahead and speak. Is there anything we can call you?"_ Cross asked.

"Let's just say I'm a friend," said Red-Haired Shanks, tears still falling from sheer joy and relief. "I… I suggest that you all settle in. This… this is quite the story."

And so it was.

**Cross-Brain AN: Cut. Print. And that's a wrap. First things first: credit to HeroR for the dialog in the Five Elder Stars' section. And second…** _**Geeze** _ **, as much work went into this chapter as there was in making the actual** _**movie…** _

**Patient AN: Well, perhaps not** _ **that**_ **much…but the fact that we started working on this back in April after publishing Chapter 27 and only managed to put the final touches on it by today should give you an idea. And despite that, is this the only movie that we're going to write in?**

**Xomniac AN: Not even close! And** _ **those ones**_ **are gonna actually affect canon!…beyond how much this one will, anyways.**

**Cross-Brain AN: Yeah, the initial plan was for this chapter to have no lasting effects beyond being the final push needed for MI4 to become MI5, courtesy of Jonathan… but Sabo remembering from this ordeal made far too much sense not to put in. But aside from an increased respect for the Straw Hats from all of the places broadcasted, that's the extent of the changes; Omatsuri may be referenced briefly at times, but the nightmare. Is.** _ **Over.**_ **But unless something inconceivable but too good to pass up happens for Gold or any other movies, the rest of the movies we include** _ **will**_ **be entirely canon, in every way, shape, and form.**

**Xomniac AN: Well… this is embarrassing. We promise a post on midnight Sunday after exulting our dedication to our schedule, only to fall way late. Sorry about that, really, but an overseas family reunion combined with the fact that we've been working on this monster since April! I'd call** _ **that**_ **pretty damn justified, no?**

**Patient AN: Regardless, however, the fact remains that we've compromised our integrity twice in the past couple of weeks with missing our schedule. In light of that, starting next week, we shall be hearkening to Oda's update pattern. That is,** _**This Bites!** _ **shall be on hiatus when** _**One Piece** _ **is on hiatus. We need to set more reasonable goals for ourselves, especially with us heading into one of the whammiest arcs in all of One Piece. So, God willing, we'll see you in the coming week. Look out for Chapter 833 to see if we do.**

**Hornet AN: I'm still not satisfied with this, but if I had my way we'd be scrapping most of the chapter and rewriting it, and that'd take another two weeks. Though… who's to say I can't rewrite it myself…**

**Well. Looks like Halloween is going to be** _**quite** _ **spooky this year…**

**Xomniac AN: Eh, admittedly it's not quite as glorious as we originally anticipated, but when are they ever really? At the least, we managed to break 40K. And** _**that's**_ **something to be proud of, no?**

**Patient AN: Perhaps so, Ego, perhaps so. But something to be more proud of is that we have now entered the ranks of the top 20 One Piece fics!**

**Xomniac AN: Heh, tell me about it! That's just flat out** _ **awesome.**_ **And with any luck… the top 15, 10, even** _ **5**_ **will come soon after! LET'S SHOOT FOR THE TOP, BABY! WOO!**


	6. Chapter 6

### Chapter 39: Chapter 36: Tragedy Strikes! That Is The Sound Of Merry's Death Knell!

### Chapter Text

It had been a couple of days since we set off from the last island, and thoughts of our defeat at Aokiji's hands were still on everyone's minds. Let it not be said, however, that the Straw Hats were a crew known to mope or brood. Rather than letting things stew, everyone had gotten over it out of necessity to be strong for Robin in face of the trauma Aokiji had unearthed, and then pressed on by submerging themselves in training with my advice. With the extra knowledge and clear goals in mind for how to reach the next level of strength, it wasn't hard for everyone to move past the past and focus on both the present and future.

' _Of course,'_ I thought murderously, curling my torso as I hung from the Merry's mast by my boots, with a well-sized weight hanging from my armored wrists and absolutely _murdering_ my shoulders. ' _The issue here is that the greater the gain you desire, the more and more pain that is required.'_

Unfortunately (for me at any rate), due to the flesh of my limbs still being in the process of re-solidifying into a form I wasn't guaranteed to ruin just by flexing my biceps, Zoro's focus on my training had been diverted to my core muscles. And by his reasoning, if I couldn't strain all of my muscles, I'd have to compensate with the ones that I _could_ strain, hence my current predicament. Only the fact that it was this hell that had kept me conscious against Eneru and Aokiji kept me from hurling every invective I could think up at the swordsman. And even then, it was a close thing.

So, instead, I turned my thoughts to more pressing matters. Namely, the fact that every second we sailed was a second closer to Water 7, and with the approach of the sinking island also approached a _lot_ of trouble. Sure, I was almost _completely_ positive that I had braced Usopp for the possibility of losing the Merry, but Robin…

I suppressed a grimace as I surreptitiously glanced at where she was relaxing in her folding chair and reading one of her books. I _wanted_ to trust Robin, I really did, but unfortunately, we'd rounded a creek and traveled into a whole new territory of mistrust. Rather than having to worry about her betraying the crew, now I had to worry about her betraying _herself_ for _our_ sake! And somehow? Somehow, watching out for Robin making a self-destructive move was even _more_ nerve-wracking than watching for her trying to betray us wholesale.

And the worst part was that if my mistrust turned out to be well-founded, Robin's skills all but guaranteed that we wouldn't find out until it was too late and she'd already attempted to martyr herself, at which point the only way out would be the hard way. I grimaced as images of a pit in the ocean and a fleet of stupidly massive ships flashed behind my eyes.

The very, very, _very_ hard way.

In the end, there really wasn't much I could do except make sure Chopper and Sanji stuck to her like glue and warn everyone of two things: first, to not fight the Franky Family in case of the remote (hopefully _very_ remote, at that) chance that they hadn't become fans of the SBS, and second, to steer clear of the four undercover agents, though that'd be kept amongst my confidants on account of how they were the only ones who I knew were capable of reliably maintaining poker faces.

Of course, right now, I had little choice but to postpone those particular conversations until _after_ we met Kokoro. After all, aside from Robin's quiet reading and Luffy's casual relaxation on the Merry's figurehead, everyone onboard was training.

Usopp had finally managed to finish Nami's Perfect Clima-Tact, but she had only done a cursory confirmation of the staff's capabilities before she went to Donny to get used to the new shape. There didn't seem to be much change from what I had seen coming, on account of how the Eisen Dial and its mechanisms fit into an extra interchangeable bulb on the butt of the weapon. In any case, if the way she was going against Donny was any indication, it seemed like the new form was even better for bojutsu than a traditional staff.

Conis was taking full advantage of the extra storage space that the clothes she borrowed from my wardrobe provided. Bazookas were obviously her weapons of choice, but she had spared no effort fitting as much other firepower as she could handle on her body. Pistols, Dials, shotguns, burn blades, even a full-sized rifle slung across her back. And Mikey was right alongside her, quickly becoming proficient with a pair of pistols. The way he was spinning them around, quite expertly I might add, I was just waiting for him to ask Robin to borrow one of her cowboy hats to complete the look. And beside both of them was Lassoo, who was test-firing the new Blaze mechanism Conis had installed in his gut. It was still a bit testy and his pillar wasn't as big as what Conis was sporting, but the superheated blasts he was belting out were still quite impressive.

Vivi and Carue were taking turns sparring with Raphey, the Dugong's size and skill proving an even match against Vivi's reach and Carue's speed; the two were improving fast, though like a lot of the crew, being confined to the Merry was limiting how much they could get done. Still, they were leaps and bounds ahead of what they'd been when we left Alabasta. At a guess, I'd say that they were of a level of strength appropriate for the Mr. 3 or Mr. 4 team.

Sanji, spurred on by his rivalry with Zoro, had managed to work out the Tempest Kick technique, though he was having trouble preserving the 'blade's' stability for more than a foot or so, after which the air harmlessly dissolved. He wasn't even content enough to name it. Hence, he was on the edge of the Merry, teeth gritted in concentration as he fired shot after shot. It was slow going, but I could see that every second he worked on it, the fissures in the surface of the ocean grew deeper and longer.

Zoro, meanwhile, said that he had worked on his Asura technique enough to be confident using it in combat, and had diverted his energy to other pursuits instead. Namely, the Iron Body technique. Leo was drafted to help him practice, which seemed to consist of the amphibian slamming his fists into Zoro's torso over and over again. Naturally, Zoro was barely flinching at the impacts, and if the fact that Leo was starting to flex his aching flippers was any indication, he was fast figuring out the secrets of the technique. He'd probably have figured it out sooner if Leo were using the flats of his swords, but the dugong had begged off on account of how he was afraid that the endeavor would damage his blades. Still, as Boss put it, it wasn't as though the endeavor wasn't training Leo's strength as well. Or at least, that was his experience, considering how he had strengthened his own flippers over the years.

Speaking of Boss, he was the only one _not_ suffering at all from reduced space, having decided to try out his new Thermal Dart (which honestly didn't look that different, apart from the hook of his weapon looking a bit sleeker) against the local marine life. Luffy in particular had been happy with Boss tossing skewered fish after scorched fish onto the deck, along with allowing the occasional pummeled and insensate adolescent Sea King to float to the surface. In all honesty, Boss was tough enough already, but if the Heat Dial improved him _that_ much… well, the Monster Quartet may be a thing after all.

Chopper, thankfully enough, had buried himself in the storage room and was working on expanding his chemical arsenal, at the same time studying how he could potentially tune down his Monster Point into something _less_ likely to make Thriller Bark look more inviting than wherever he was turned loose. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, he wasn't having much luck on that front, which meant we would have to hope that his new arsenal was enough that we wouldn't be dealing with a 36-foot-tall stupidly tough and powerful mad scientist if worst came to worst.

And last but most surprisingly, Usopp was practicing the Shave technique as he moved back and forth across the ship, dodging everyone's training sessions as he did so. However, the training was clearly just a side benefit. The sniper was more concerned with attempting to locate the source of some kind of sound that he _swore_ hadn't been present before. He had tried asking Soundbite, but the snail had blown him off in favor of remaining ensconced in his shell, so as to focus more than ever on thinking about Awakened Devil Fruits. After weighing several pros and cons, Usopp had left him alone. Sadly, while his speed was exhibiting a marked improvement, his feverish movements and muttering, which were only getting worse as his leg pain apparently intensified, were quickly eroding the patience of some of the combatants.

"Where is it, where is it, where is it…" he muttered as Carue and Raphey hastily changed direction to avoid skewering him. "Dammit! It keeps coming and going!"

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched the show for a second longer before deciding to speak up, for his sake if nothing else. "Hey, Usopp! Just a suggestion, but I recommend that you work on your situational awareness next."

"Huh?" The sniper came to a dead stop as he looked up at me. "How come?"

I let my expression fall flat. "Because you're currently standing on Mikey's _head."_

"Eh?" Usopp glanced down in surprise. "Huh. So I am."

Several people paused in their training long enough to facepalm.

"Dude…" Mikey growled as he started to finger the new flintlocks at his side. "I respect you, but if you don't get off me soon, I'm gonna throw you off! _And I mean the Merry!"_

Usopp hastily complied, scrambling off of Mikey and zipping to the other end of the ship.

"But seriously, Usopp, what are you muttering about?" Sanji asked in irritation, turning away from the ocean and looking at him.

"Wha—? Oh, right, I only told Cross." Usopp promptly slapped a hand to his forehead. "See, I can hear some kind of a weird sound coming from somewhere on the ship. I don't know what it is, but it's distracting me from finishing my upgrades!"

"And Soundbite isn't helping you with that because?" Nami asked.

"Because he's focusing on training even more than Zoro is," I grit out as I focused on curling myself upwards. It made my gut hurt like hell, but it sure beat letting the blood flow to my head!

"Why not just put in earplugs or something?" Conis asked curiously.

"I tried that, but it's not going away! Just listen!"

Several sighs rang out around the deck, but ultimately, everyone paused their training and listened. For a second there was nothing. Then the sound came, clear as a bell: wood scraping against wood, like two planks rubbing together. It was… very irritating.

"Alright, now that you draw attention to it…" I trailed off with a grimace.

"Great, now it's going to be stuck in my head all day!" Nami griped as she dug a finger through her ear.

"See? So, maybe I could get some help finding—" Usopp began.

"Hey, guys, look! A frog doing the front crawl!"

All attention was promptly diverted from Usopp to Luffy and then to where Luffy was staring and pointing. And sure enough, there was a tan and white frog, heavily scarred with black hair in a sumo hairstyle, performing the front crawl in the water not far from us. There was no mistaking it: we'd just caught sight of Yokozuna.

And there was no chance in _hell_ that I was going to pass up this glorious of an opportunity.

"Huh, that is a frog doing the front crawl," I noted casually.

"I'm actually impressed that a frog can _do_ the front crawl," Donny commented with a slight tilt to his head.

"Anyone else curious about where the frog doing the front crawl is going?" Vivi asked.

"I'm actually more curious about _why_ the frog is doing the front crawl," Lassoo shrugged.

"Maybe the frog is—!"

"Okay, this gag's lived long enough," Su deadpanned.

" **What gag, COTTONTAIL?"** Soundbite said as he finally decided to rejoin the living.

"The one where everyone's repeating 'the frog do—' OH, NO, YOU DON'T!" she snapped.

" _SO CLOSE!"_

I chuckled. "Good try, Soundbite," I commented, before raising my voice. "Alright, everyone, joking aside, that frog is the sign that our training time has expired! We've got one short stop coming up, and then we'll be landing at the next island later today! Start getting your shopping lists together, preparing the gold for landing… oh, yeah, and _someone cut me down from here!"_

"On it!" Leo volunteered as he drew a sword and started to tense his tail—!

"Nononono _WAIT!"_ I yelped, waving my hands in protest, but too late. He leapt above me, swung his sword…

_CLUNK!_ "OW!"

And I promptly found myself nursing what I was _certain_ was a concussion.

"…I should know better than this by now," I grumbled matter-of-factly as I lay on my back. "I've tempted you-know-who enough times with how I word things that I should know better than to give it an opening like that. So, why, _why_ do I keep doing it?"

"Because you're an idiot?" Zoro asked blandly as he looked down at me.

I was silent as I mulled that statement over before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, can't argue with that. Now, then!" I promptly ignored my screaming muscles as I sprang to my feet and snapped a finger forward. "Sorry, Nami, but I need to temporarily shanghai one of your duties because right now we need to _follow that frog!"_

"YEAH!" Luffy cheered emphatically.

"Sorry, Captain, he's got a tragic backstory, no grilling tonight."

"Awww…"

"Besides, frogs are terrible eating. Too many little bones," Zoro commented as he walked towards our armory/oar room, most likely to fish out the Dugongs' harnesses so they could tow the Merry.

"You're not supposed to eat them whole, moss-for-brains!" Sanji called after him.

While the Squad got themselves strapped up and prepared to dive into the waves, Usopp took the time to tap me on the shoulder. "Hey, Cross, while I'm sure from what you said that asking too much about that frog would fall under the 'spoilers' category—!"

"Indubitably," I nodded solemnly.

The sniper rolled his eyes at my dramatic tone before continuing. "—can you at _least_ say how the—?"

" _Watch it."_

Usopp shivered as a vicious growl wafted over from Conis' general direction. "How _he_ can do the front crawl?"

I mulled over my response for a moment before coming to my conclusion and shrugging. "In layman's terms, a long while back, someone showed him the technique and he practiced until he could do it."

"HA! You just defined how everyone's learned everything ever!" Boss barked jubilantly before turning his attention to his squad. "Now, then, enough lollygaggin'! C'mon, boys! Let's get to towin'!" And with that he dove over the edge and into the water.

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the four other Dugongs chorused before following their teacher.

A moment later, the Merry jolted forward and started following Yokozuna at a respectable clip, though there was a distinct cost, in the form of an unmistakable groaning sound coming from the deck below our feet. I nervously glanced down before hastily jogging up to Merry's figurehead and rubbing her neck.

"Just a little further, Merry, just a little more…" I muttered reassuringly. "As soon as we reach the next island, you'll be in the hands of the world's best shipwrights, I _promise_ that it won't be long now." I leaned my forehead against the whitewashed wood, eyes closed and a grim smile on my face. "I swear… I'm going to do everything that I can to keep my word."

"… _!"_

"Wha—?" I jerked my head back in shock. For some reason, rather than the calm that a placated Merry would have produced, I felt a rush of sheer emotion shoot through me like Eneru's lightning. The feelings were many, but not a single one of them was good: fear, sadness, depression, misery, anger… Guilt. Regret.

"W-What the _hell—!?"_ I breathed incredulously.

"Hey, Cross!"

I was snapped out of my confusion by the Merry jerking to a halt—with yet another pained groan at that—and Boss leaping onto the railing near me.

I spared Merry a final glance before focusing on the dugong. "Ah… y-yeah? What is it, Boss?"

The martial-artist jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at the water. "There's a line of buoys floating in the water and something _really_ weird floating beyond that, something the frog's getting on! Should we follow it?"

Before I could answer, Soundbite paled in terror on my shoulder as he craned his eyestalks to stare into the water before us. Specifically, at the silhouette floating below the surface. " _You have_ GOT **to be kidding ME…"** he breathed numbly.

I processed the development for a moment before allowing myself a smug smirk. "Well, seeing how you've apparently figured out what's going on, shall we harmonize our response?"

The snail hastily recovered with a smirk of his own. " _ **LET'S!"**_

I slid into a flawless jazzhands as Soundbite and I grinned eagerly. " _Nooooo~!"_ we sang, holding it out for a few seconds before I brought my fingers together in a cut-off sign.

Boss was unamused. "Very nice, you two. Now, why don't you—"

"WHOA!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?"

"Eh?" Boss and I started to look towards what the rest of the crew was talking about—

_**WOOOT WOOOOOOOT!** _

—And then it was just _there._

The Puffing Tom was… it was… _wow,_ it was seriously something. I mean, I'd ridden my fair share of trains in my life, I was thoroughly familiar with the subways of New York and Paris and the TGVs of France, but this… this was a whole different beast.

And by _God,_ there was no other word to describe the Puffing Tom than 'beast'. The size, the speed, the sheer _aura_ of power that the mechanical marvel exuded… it was like looking at the primal _epitome_ of industry and technology!

This… This was no mere train. This was a man-made Wonder of the World!

It also didn't hurt my opinion that I was a particularly avid fan of steampunk.

The moment of awe lasted for just that, a moment, and then time started up again as the engine roared past us and down the tracks, swiftly approaching the giga-toad who was positioned on the rails, palm extended and teeth grit in preparation.

I sent an inquiring glance at Soundbite. "So, I'm guessing Kermit or—?"

" _STOP, PUFFING TOM!"_

My questions were cut off in a sharp gasp as the frog roared a _very_ familiar line in a relatively familiar voice. Before I could do anything _else_ , however…

_THWACK!_

"GAH! DAMN IT!"

We were treated to the suddenly _very_ un-funny sight of the large toad getting swatted aside by the unstoppable machine as though he were _nothing_ , followed by the Puffing Tom swiftly chugging off into the distance, becoming nothing more than a pillar of steam in _seconds._

I worked my jaw for a second as I processed what I'd just seen and heard before slowly glancing back at Soundbite. "…Schwarzenegger?"

" **I may be** _ **a**_ _cheeky_ BASTARD, _BUT I CAN'T_ _ **SPEND THIS MUCH TIME**_ **WITH THIS CREW** _and mock_ **conviction** LIKE WHAT I JUST _**heard**_ _,"_ Soundbite replied, shaking his head solemnly. He then allowed himself a tentative grin. "' **Sides** … _**Going by those**_ _SCARS?_ **He'll be back."**

_That_ got a slight grin from me as I remembered the few flashbacks we'd gotten to this particular stretch of the sea. "Not if we have anything to say about it, he won't."

Boss finally got his jaw working again, gnawing on his cigar, and he gave me a searching look. "So… tragic backstory, huh? Care to share?"

"As soon as it becomes relevant, don't worry," I said dismissively, waving him off.

"Ah, 'scuse me, question?" Lassoo spoke up, raising a paw. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING!?"

I chuckled at the reaction. "Oh, ye of little experience. What you just saw was a steam-powered locomotive, more commonly referred to as a train, or in this case, a sea-train. It's the magnum opus and symbol of the island we're heading to next, Water 7, the greatest hub of shipwrights in the Grand Line. That train, the Puffing Tom, was the brainchild of the greatest of them all, a shipwright known as Tom. Frame of reference for how good he was: _he built the Oro Jackson."_

Robin, Nami, Vivi, and Sanji promptly gaped at me in shock, while everyone else onboard stared blankly at me.

"Roger's ship," I clarified with a sigh.

_There_ were the dropped jaws.

"SO COOL!" the Kiddy Trio and the TDWS exclaimed together, looking after the train—actually, no, not quite. Usopp wasn't staring in awe; he had collapsed to his knees, sighing in sheer relief.

"Thank goodness," he said. "Now I see what you meant by this being the best chance we had for Merry, Cross, if we're heading to a place with shipwrights like _that."_

Aaaand just like that the atmosphere whiplashed right back around to solemn. And it brought the feeling I had before back to the forefront of my mind. Shaking my head, I looked down at the figurehead again. "There, Merry, you hear that? Is that enough to convince you that I'll be able to—?"

"… _ **!"**_

"GAH!" I yelped, enough emotional force slamming into me that I actually jumped back—

_THUNK!_

"Whoawhoawhoawhoa _SHIT!"_

_THWACK!_

—bumped into the railing of the forecastle and unfortunately overbalanced, promptly falling ass over teakettle and onto the far far _far_ too solid deck below.

I lay groaning upside down for a moment with my ass hanging over my head before glancing up(?) at my crewmates with a slightly confused look. "I'm… not the only one who felt that, right?"

"No, Cross, you're not," Zoro said quietly, and the distinctly bothered expressions on my crewmates' faces and the fact that Lassoo, Su, Carue, and the TDWS were curled up on themselves were enough to show that that blast of sheer _emotion_ had affected everyone.

"I'm _certain_ that I don't want to know the answer to this…" Robin started in an uncharacteristically shaky voice. "But what in the world was _that?"_

"That was unpleasant, was what it was!" called an older woman's voice from nearby. All attention turned towards the nearby building rising above the water that we'd somehow missed.

Its owner was a tubby woman with long, frizzy light green hair, a large purple cap, a pink jacket, and a purple suit with khakis. A bottle of something alcoholic was in one hand, and contrary to my expectations, she was not smiling; the grim look on her face gave every implication that 'unpleasant' was an understatement.

Which was made particularly clear by the green-haired girl and blue rabbit lying beside her, white-eyed and foaming at the mouth.

"You felt that too, Granny?" I asked quizzically, to which I received a slap upside the head from Vivi.

"Seriously, Cross, I'd expect that kind of bluntness from Luffy, not you!" she said in astonishment.

"Eh, don't worry about it," Kokoro shrugged and waved her hand with a chuckle. "Lots of people call me Granny, I don't mind. I like it, even! Makes me feel respected."

"Whereas you continue to be far too impulsive without considering all the facts of the matter," I replied to the princess.

"I—but—you—that—!" Vivi started to sputter before settling on thwapping me with another dopeslap and marching back to Carue.

"So, how many times does that make, Soundbite?" Zoro asked.

" _Crocodile,_ _ **Octavio,**_ **RATCHET—!"**

"HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THAT BASTARD WAS OUT OF HIS MIND!?"

" _ **Aaaaand RANDOLPH."**_

Vivi opened her mouth… and shut it with a click and a blush. "I… have no viable excuses…"

" **SO this makes** _FIVE!"_

"Well, at least _this_ time didn't result in us all nearly getting killed," Nami muttered.

"Ahem?"

A cough brought our attention back to Kokoro, who lowered her fist from where it was in front of her mouth. "I suppose I should introduce myself better: my name is Kokoro." She nodded her head back to her insensate pet and relative. "And this is my granddaughter Chimney and our cat Gonbe. We're the caretakers of this switch station. The reason why they're both unconscious is that _yes,_ we felt that. It wasn't enough to have that snail of yours bring up some bad memories by giving Yokozuna a voice—" I winced. "—but then… well, I've been in this business for a long time, young man," she said, staring at us with an expression of stone-cold sobriety. "I haven't felt a ship scream in agony for years."

And there went the humor again. Seriously, I knew that this arc was meant to be one of the more depressing ones, possibly _the_ most besides everything between Sabaody and the timeskip, but did that have to start _now?_

"Before you potentially chastise us for pushing her past her limits, believe us, we know that she's hurting," I hastily replied as we docked Merry beside the station. "We're headed straight for Water 7 to patch her up, no detours and no other objectives."

' _Not if I can help it, anyway…'_ I mentally added.

She stared at me curiously for a moment, and then… then her expression contorted in grim realization. "You don't know yet."

The _far_ too gentle tone of voice all but froze the blood in my veins. Apparently, yes, it _did_ have to start now.

"…What do you mean, we don't know yet?" Usopp asked quietly.

Kokoro sighed tiredly, and then—

Re-re-note to self: age equals badass. I should have been able to reason that considering her stalwart performance at Enies. But if that wasn't enough, the fact that she jumped from the station onto the deck of the Merry with no sign of fatigue or pain whatsoever was a fresh reminder. Unfortunately, she still had that uncharacteristically serious look on her face, which prevented my surprise from lasting more than a second.

"I'm sorry to tell you this," she said grimly. "But the only time a ship could be in that much agony is if the keel was damaged beyond repair."

There was no warning, no preamble, just… it just _hit us_ like cannonfire. Half of the crew bowed their heads, while the rest had looks of devastation on their faces. And me, personally? I felt as if the ground fell out from under me. A thoroughly apt comparison going by how I collapsed to my knees.

Usopp was the first to get his wits back about him, shaking his head in denial. "N-No, no! T-That, that can't be right!" Usopp denied. "W-We talked to her! W-We talked to Merry herself! Her Klabautermann! S-She said that she was hurt, yeah, but that—"

"But that she'd be able to tough it through for all your sakes _?"_ Kokoro asked,

We looked at her in shock, and she sighed. "I told you, I've been in this business for a long time. While I can't say I've ever seen a Klabautermann myself, I've heard enough tales and seen enough ships that had them; it's a foregone conclusion that any ship that could give off that much emotion would be able to manifest him- or herself."

"…This probably isn't the time, but I thought all ships were female," Donny pointed out.

Kokoro shrugged. "It depends on the builder, the crew and the ship itself, though honestly, unless the ship does come alive, it's just aesthetic." She shook her head firmly. "We're getting off topic here. Listen, I know that I might not look it, but I know what I'm talking about here; your ship must have loved you a lot to continue on this far, but every story I've heard went the same way: ships only fix themselves and show themselves when they're already doomed."

"But that's not possible! Look around! She's still in one piece, she's still sailing!" Chopper protested. Kokoro looked at him.

"You're the doctor, right? Let me make an analogy for you: the keel of the ship is its spine. Any other part of the boat can be repaired or replaced, but if the keel cracks, that's a death sentence; it's only a matter of time from there before the ship splits in two."

"B-But how can you _know_ that her keel is injured!?" Conis pleaded. "S-She said that it was hurt, yes, but—!"

"I know because I can hear the same thing that you all have been hearing for awhile now…" Kokoro sighed grimly. "That creaking sound… it's not just any two planks, or some random issue. That's a constant cry of pain that proves that your ship, no matter how much you love her, is already dead in the water. That's the sound of two halves of a keel grinding together."

It felt like time froze for us as we stared at the station-master in stunned silence, the only noises present being the sound of waves lapping against the station and our beloved ship… and the tortured echo of wood rubbing ringing in our ears.

"You can't be serious! There's no way that her keel isn't still in one piece!" Raphey objected at last.

"Yeah! We've dived under this ship more times than we can count, and we've _never_ seen any damage to her keel! Just solid wood and metal plating from repair work!" Mikey said assertively.

Kokoro sighed and glanced at the dugongs. "And… have you ever looked _under_ the plating?"

The implications of that statement sunk in with all the speed and impact of Chopper's syringes: if that plating had covered up her cracks, then that meant that they happened back when…

"Merry… n-no, you-you're wrong! You _have_ to be wrong! Merry—!" I shook my head desperately as I stared at Kokoro. "M-Merry, s-she said that she was fine, t-that she'd hold on! Y-You can't…" I fought to keep the tears out of my eyes. "No… damn it… No! Merry…"

I looked away from Kokoro, struggling to my feet and staring up at the figurehead. "Merry, please, _tell her_ she's wrong, tell her, tell _us_ you're as strong as ever! I-I know it's not fair to ask but… just for a second, just for a _second_. Tell us she's wrong. _Please tell us she's wrong."_

For a few moments, there was nothing but absolute silence, stillness…

And then she was just _there,_ standing before us, a translucent spectre that _radiated_ sadness.

Kokoro's bottle fell out of her hand and spilled onto the deck, and everyone else stiffened in shock.

Merry's head was bowed so that even her mouth was hidden from view.

And then… she spoke just two words.

"… _I'm sorry."_

**Cross-Brain AN: Yep! We're just gonna leave it at that for now! Sorry that the chapter was so short, but hey, time constraints and all that, plus losing one's job over bullshit can be a bitch. Still, look at it this way: you just have that much more to look forward to in the next chapter!**

**Part 2**

**Cross-Brain AN: Oh, come on, did any** **of you** _ **actually think**_ **that we were going to leave it at that? For shame, for shame. The cliffhanger is par for the course, sure, but the word count? Please, our standards are** _ **so much**_ **higher than that!**

The Klabautermann disappeared as quickly as she had come. And that was the moment where the more sensitive among our crew lost the ability to hold their emotions back.

Consequently, ten minutes after meeting Kokoro found everyone on the crew except Zoro, Sanji and Boss stewing in misery, one way or another. Robin kept some semblance of composure, but even she couldn't hold back from crying. Soundbite had gone into silent sulking, tears trickling down his eyestalks. Everyone else was either sobbing miserably or still stuck deep in shock.

Except for me, given the fact that after a couple of minutes of crying I'd flipped my emotions to the opposite end of the spectrum and slammed myself straight into rage. Rage at Merry for lying to us, rage at the world for how stupidly, _stupidly_ unfair this was… and rage at myself for failing. Sure, I was still clinging to some stupid hope that Franky would be able to find _something_ in the black market that could help us with how much gold we had to spend: a Devil Fruit, a miracle fix-all, something, _anything!_

_B_ ut in the end, the revelation that I hadn't been able to keep her keel from cracking… that my efforts to change something, to make things _better,_ were all for _nothing?_

_Magma and hell and evil and war war WAR!_

"Damn it damn it damn it _damn it!"_ I cursed viciously as I clutched at my skull.

"G-Granny, come on!"

I glanced over at Usopp as he pulled himself out of his despair and started pleading with the impassive station mistress as she chugged her bottle.

"Isn't there _anything_ we can do to help?!" the sniper begged, tears streaming from his eyes. "A-A Devil Fruit, an _ANYTHING—?!"_

"There isn't," she replied, though she was noticeably less firm than she had been before; Merry's appearance had definitively shaken her, and going by the way she was swishing the last dregs of her bottle in front of her, she was definitely of the opinion that she needed a fresh one. "Do you think you're the first crew to ask? The first to love their ship so much that they'd do anything to keep sailing with them? Trust me, I know what I'm talking about: There are no Devil Fruit powers either nearby or even in the general waters that can fix it, no methods to permanently mend a keel, no techniques to replace it, nothing. There aren't many afflictions that the world's finest shipwrights can't fix, but a cracked keel is one of them. I'm sorry, I truly am, but your ship, strong and brave as she is… is done for."

Aaand that was officially my fucking _breaking point._

_SLAM!_

The rest of the crew jumped and looked over at me as I ground my knuckles into Merry's neck-brace. "For fucks' sakes, you stupid, stupid, _stupid_ goat…" I spat. "What the fucking _hell_ were you _thinking!?"_

"She was thinking that she loved you." I shot a halfhearted glare over my shoulder at Kokoro, who was watching me evenly, and with more than a little pity. "She was thinking that she loved you all, and that if you knew when it happened, you would compromise yourselves trying to help her. And, well… the ultimate mission of any ship is to keep their crew safe. She wouldn't want you to sacrifice yourselves for a lost cause."

My arm quaked as I pressed my fist harder and harder into the metal plate. "I…I _promised_ her…" I hissed tearfully.

Kokoro shrugged indifferently as she knocked back what little of her drink she had left. "Sorry, but I can't help you there. Personally, it sounds like a discussion to be had between you and your god. Or, well…" She waved her hand casually. "Your lack thereof, anyways."

I stiffened in response to that, frowning as a thought occurred to me—

_CHOMP!_

"OW?!" I yelped as I snapped my hand to my neck.

" **ARE YOU really willing** _to risk it?"_ Soundbite snarled around the chunk of flesh he was gnawing.

I frowned as I considered the situation, and what could possibly go wrong, but the images of Merry burning in the snowfall and her apology that I had just seen stayed in the forefront of my mind.

"Only as a last resort, but considering the alternative?" I shook my head sadly. "I honestly can't rule it out yet."

Soundbite grimaced, but released my neck; there was no doubt which of the two evils was lesser, though I knew it was about as likely that B.R.O.B. would ignore me as it would help me. I then directed my attention back to the deck, where Zoro seemed to be running interference for Kokoro's curiosity.

"So… there's really no choice but to get a new ship?" he asked seriously.

Kokoro shook her head somberly, and with considerable reluctance, I turned towards the crew, moving away from the figurehead and down to the main deck. "Either we let her die with dignity or we run her into the ocean. And I think we all know which one she wants… _demands_ we pick."

"Are you saying we should abandon a member of our crew, Cross?" Luffy growled dangerously.

"Luffy…" Nami softly interjected before I could say anything. "The choice… either we leave her behind and let her go to sleep peacefully or all of us die along with her. And any other day I'd be alright with that, but…" She trailed off helplessly.

"This… This is a choice that a captain has to make, Luffy," Vivi said, sadly but firmly. "I understand better than _anyone_ not wanting to let any of the ones you care about die. But…" She glanced at me meaningfully. "The world… it just doesn't work like that. The only thing we can do _is—_ " Her voice broke, and she bit her knuckle in a clear attempt to keep from breaking down in tears.

"…In the aftermath of Blackbeard's attack…" Chopper spoke up solemnly. "There were just so many wounded. So many injured, so many _dying…_ " The Zoan slowed his breathing in an obvious effort to keep calm. "Doctorine used it to teach me the hardest and most vital lesson a doctor can ever learn." Chopper looked up with a hard glint in his eyes. Only… it wasn't madness. Just cold, clinical finality. "Triage. The practice of sorting patients by severity. Of choosing who you try and save. Of… Of recognizing a lost cause, for the sake of others." He shook his head as he remembered the day. "I've never forgotten what I learned: that no matter how good you are, no matter how skilled or how many resources you have at your disposal, you can never manage to save everyone. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is just… make their death as painless and dignified as possible."

Luffy bit his lip, trembling with repressed rage and sadness as he mulled the words over. Slowly but surely, he looked around the deck. His eyes fell on Sanji, whose hair shadowed his eye while he attempted to light a cigarette, the lighter flickering as his hands shook. He looked at Boss, who mimicked the motion with a cigar. He looked at Conis, who snapped her head away, her face pained as she no doubt thought of all the souls who'd made the mistake of landing on Angel Beach.

Finally, he looked at Usopp. The sniper's expression was somewhere in the middle of anger and anguish, but he seemed completely unable to speak. After a minute, he finally opened his mouth, but suddenly paled. He looked as if he'd just seen a—

Luffy and I snapped our heads around to follow his line of sight, but there was nothing. Nothing but the ship and the horizon. We looked back at him, and slowly, some semblance of acceptance came over his face. Sighing, Luffy looked back at Kokoro.

"…Alright. We'll get a new ship," he said, his tone colorless and empty.

The second the words left his mouth, a wave of sheer _relief_ brushed across us all. And I felt it like nothing less than a titanic punch in the gut.

Sanji shuddered heavily as he fumbled for his cigarettes and shakily lit a new one. He took a shaky, calming draw before eyeing the present veteran. "Granny Kokoro… what do you recommend we do?"

The old woman kept an eyebrow up as she watched us before sighing and shaking her head. "In my opinion, if you want to do good by her, the best thing to do is take her to Water 7. Let her see you on to your next ship and watch you set sail. After that… I promise you, I will _personally_ make sure that she's put to rest with all of the honor that she deserves."

"…We'd appreciate that, Granny Kokoro," Usopp said quietly.

"It's no less than she's earned; I've witnessed a lot of bonds of love between ships and crews in the past, but yours is easily the strongest I've ever seen," Kokoro nodded firmly. "But, in the meantime… you're going to need a new ship before you leave the island. There are plenty of good models to go off of, and I'm guessing that you have all of the gold that you need. I can give you a good reference, help you get the best ship money can—"

"Granny," I cut in sharply. I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my voice steady; what I was saying felt like I was accepting defeat, but… if all was said and done, if there really was nothing we could do, then I had to take advantage of this while I could. "We don't need _the best_. We're sailing this ocean for one purpose above all else: to reach Raftel so that our captain can become King of the Pirates. If… If we need to get a new ship—"

"You do," Kokoro confirmed solemnly.

My hand snapped into a fist, but I forced myself to nod. "Our new ship… it can't be something run-of-the-mill. 'The best' is a plateau shared by a lot of ships worldwide and it's a valid one, a fine one, sure, but for us… 'the best' just isn't good enough. We need…" I forced myself to suck in a deep, calming breath as I tried to get my thoughts straight. "We need something else entirely. Something unprecedented, something…" I shrugged helplessly. "Something on par with the Oro Jackson herself. The pinnacle of shipbuilding, something that rewrites the entire book. Right here, right now, we need to go beyond the best. We need… we need the awe-inspiring, the unique… we need the _ultimate._ "

Kokoro stared at me, then she turned to stare at Luffy. Tears still flooded the rubber man's eyes, but his usual grit was back. Finally, she heaved a sigh as she tilted the brim of her hat down. "This damn company is either blessed or cursed, and I can't tell which…" she muttered to herself before giving us all a serious look. "Wait here." With that, she promptly jumped back to the station and headed inside.

As soon as the door closed, I looked back at the crew, to see several questioning looks. I rolled my eyes before figuring out how to respond. "When Tom was still alive, he was the head of a company known as Tom's Workers. It was a small company, with only three people in it besides him: his two apprentices, and his secretary. Take a wild guess as to who said secretary was and is."

Even Luffy gained a look of understanding.

"At a guess, she'll be directing us to his apprentices in order to make us a new ship?" Robin divined.

"Bingo," I nodded in solemn agreement. "If anyone can make a ship worthy of succeeding Merry, then it's Franky and Iceburg. Of course…" I allowed myself a weak but nonetheless cheeky smile. "The _real_ challenge will be actually getting them to cooperate, considering that they're… well, not as bad as Zoro and Sanji, but not _too_ far off."

Everyone's faces immediately fell at that.

"We're doomed," Usopp sighed morosely.

"Hey, hey, I said they're not _as_ bad as those two dipshits! After all…" I grinned slightly. "At the end of the day, beneath all the bullshit, they consider each other best friends."

"So, basically, not anything like us at all," Sanji deadpanned.

"Not even remotely," Zoro confirmed in an equally flat tone.

"Geeze, Cross, are you an idiot or something?" Luffy asked curiously.

"Now, now, remember, guys: you haven't seen everything I've seen," I said, before allowing my smile to grow dangerously smug as the word 'yaoi' flashed through my mind. "In fact, I've seen a _lot_ of evidence that—MMPH?!"

"I'm sorry, Cross, but considering that you had that look on your face when you were about to insult Whitebeard, I have no doubt that this is for your own good," Robin said sweetly.

" _ **SPOILSPORT!"**_ Soundbite raged as I tried to wrench the flowery limb away from my mouth.

"Nagagagaga! Just like the Straw Hats, bouncing back from tragedy as easily as rubber."

All eyes turned back to the station, where Kokoro had readopted her typical wide smile. She leapt back onto the Merry, and held out her hands. One held not one, but _two_ envelopes, and the other had a few blank pieces of paper.

"These letters are addressed to Iceburg, mayor of Water 7, and Franky, head of Water 7's underworld. The two of them are the best shipwrights you'll ever find, and I go way back with both of them. Give them these messages, and they'll build you a ship worthy of the Pirate King. And bring some money with you when you go to see them too, at least to show that you're good for it! My word will get you in the door, but shipbuilding's still an expensive business, no matter who's in your corner!" She grinned at Luffy. "Between you and me, I met Roger way back when. And you're a lot like him; I wouldn't write up letters like this for just anyone."

That, above all else, managed to alleviate the depression among the crew, as Luffy smiled like the sun. "Shishishi! Thanks a lot, Granny!"

"Nagagagaga, don't mention it," Kokoro said, waving us off before snapping up a finger. "But! Know that my help doesn't come free! I want something in return." She paused for effect, then held out the blank papers with her iconic grin. "Autographs from the world's first radio stars, one copy for Chimney, one for Gonbe, and one for me."

I eyed the rest of the papers she was holding. "And the extras?"

Kokoro's grin widened impishly. "Rainy day fund! My bet's that the future Pirate King's autograph is gonna be worth _something_ one day!"

Nami promptly adopted an aghast expression and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?!"

That particular statement drew a load of unbidden chuckles from us, and _that_ alleviated a lot of the remaining tension.

A few flourishes with ink later—which involved Carue demonstrating that even royal ducks knew calligraphy, Soundbite deciding to make his bite marks his signature, the Dugongs sketching their weapons, and Lassoo and Su leaving pawprints—Kokoro had her stack of sheets.

"Nagagaga! Well, looks like I'm all set for this Christmas!" Kokoro chuckled as she looked over the papers before shooting us a salute. "Thanks a lot, you all! Happy travels and the best of luck! I'll see you again in a couple of days!" And with that, she prepared to jump off.

"Hey, hold on a sec, Granny," I said hastily as a thought occurred to me. "Let me get you a little something extra for all of this. Conis, do you have any of _those_ pictures left?"

A grin instantly stretched over the angel's face as she started rummaging through her pockets. "As a matter of fact, I do," she said, drawing out a familiar piece of paper and flicking it to the stationmaster. "Here, Granny Kokoro. This is a picture of the tyrant Eneru when he fought Luffy."

Kokoro took one look at the picture of Luffy kicking Eneru in the gut and fell onto her back, laughing her head off. We all stole a glance at the picture as well, and the resulting laughter helped to lighten the mood even more.

After that, we set out from the switch station, following the sea-train tracks towards the metropolis waiting for us relatively close by. With the mood somewhat more upbeat, I was content to let myself stare off into the distance without a care in the world. At least, until I was wrenched back into the present.

"So, Cross…" Su said as she leapt up onto the railing, giving me a curious glance. "Anything you want to tell us about what's coming up next, or would you rather we all be taken by surprise?"

"You mean besides the run-of-the-mill madness and craziness?" I said, smirking wryly before shrugging and turning around to look at my friends. "But, ah, seriously, if the Captain's alright with it…?"

Luffy started to say something, only for Nami and Zoro to grab his cheeks and _yank._ "Ah… How much do you think you need to tell us, Cross?" he asked through his stretched mouth.

"Not much, Luffy, just a warning about one group that could be the difference between us making them our friends or our enemies," I reassured him.

Luffy blinked thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Alright, that's fine, then." And with that, our first and second mates let his mouth snap back into place.

"Good boy," Nami deadpanned.

"Great!' I clapped my hands together and rubbed them eagerly. "So! To start, like Kokoro said, Franky is the head of Water 7's underworld, pretty much the quirkiest and most likeable mafia boss you'll ever meet, if you can even call them a proper mafia. Odds are that he and his followers, a group of semi-organized—!" I hesitated slightly as I considered things. "Ah, make that quarter-organized—!" I thought a _little_ harder on the matter. "Ah… anyway, hopefully he and the band of thugs called the Franky Family have a high opinion of us from the SBS. But on the off chance that they don't… well, just try to avoid anyone wearing black with pink stars and strangely designed goggles. The Franky Family makes their living off of hunting bounties and dismantling ships, so if they don't like us? They'll only see beri signs."

"You think we can't handle a bunch of thugs, Cross?" Boss said, sounding offended by the implication.

"Nonono, 'handling them' is the exact _problem_ here!" I waved my hands in a panic. "They may be pushovers compared to us, but Franky _isn't_ , and he's _easily_ as protective of his own as we are. If we harm his family, he's going to want revenge, and considering how we _need_ his help if we want Merry's successor to have even _half_ a chance at surviving the true maritime hell that's coming, having him as our enemy is the _last_ thing we need."

"Alright, pink stars and weird goggles, got it," Sanji nodded in understanding. "And what about Iceburg, anything to worry about on his end?"

"Oh, Horus, no, he's known and beloved by everyone on the island. He can be a bit odd at times, sure, but apart from that, he's a perfect saint," Vivi said.

I looked at her in surprise. "You met him?"

"We stopped by Water 7 on the way to and from the Reverie, and Iceburg always greeted us," Vivi explained with a casual shrug. "It wasn't for long, mind you, just a confirmation that our needs were met, but the impression I got from him and literally anyone on the island that we asked was that it was impossible to dislike the man." She then frowned as a thought struck her. "Unless you know otherwise?"

"Oh, no, no," I denied hastily. "That's pretty much him in a nutshell: one of the best people you'll ever meet, and honestly, I can't be sure if that oddness he shows is real or just obfuscating stupidity."

"Obfuscating? Interesting choice of words, Cross," Robin remarked.

"I didn't come up with the term, Robin. But, yeah, it'll be easy to find him, and odds are that Kokoro's recommendation, however sloppily written, will be all that we'll need," I reassured him, before turning around and heading towards Merry's storage room. "Anyways, that's the only warning the general crew's got to worry about for now. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, I've got a bit more to tell you guys."

"So you mean you're not even _trying_ to be subtle about the fact that you're hiding stuff from us now!?" Usopp sputtered.

" _Eeyup!"_ Soundbite and I chorused as I courteously opened the door for Vivi, who curtsied exaggeratedly in thanks.

"Boss, you and your students try to ease Merry along as much as you can; make sure we stay by the tracks," Nami offhandedly ordered before she and Zoro entered as well.

"I do not agree with this arrangement!" Usopp shouted desperately.

"AGREED!" the TDWS chorused.

"Your concerns are duly noted," I said to them with a cheeky grin before pulling the door shut.

Soundbite needed no prompting to deploy the Gastro-Scramble as the door closed. I was silent for a moment before rapping my fist against my forehead with an angry sigh. "You know, all snark aside, the only reason I'm _not_ telling them this is that I can't trust anyone but you guys to act natural under this sort of pressure."

"That bad, huh?" Zoro asked.

"Worse. Tell me, Vivi… have you ever heard of the Cipher Pols?"

The princess stiffened. "They're… meant to be the World Government's primary intelligence gathering organizations, highly covert and highly deadly." Her face paled as she connected the dots. "T-They're on Water 7?! That's not good, not good at all! Which one is it? Six? Three? _One?"_

I bowed my head grimly. "If only… it's number Nine."

The blood promptly drained from my female friends' faces, while Zoro merely stiffened.

"The assassins that kill anyone that the World Government deems a threat? That organization actually exists?" Nami demanded.

"You have to be mistaken, _please tell me you're mistaken!"_ Vivi whimpered miserably.

I shook my head in denial. "Sorry to confirm your worst nightmares, but the boogeymen known as CP9 are all too real. Their base of operations is the Government's judicial island, Enies Lobby, and they're the original masters of the Six Powers. These guys aren't just assassins, they're full-blown living weapons. Four of the agents are undercover in the city, and have been for the last five years. And our arrival? It's going to be the trigger for them to break cover and finish their mission."

"And what mission would that be, Cross?" Zoro asked sternly.

I winced. This was _not_ going to go over well. "Water 7 has been the global center of shipwrighting for _centuries._ Even stretching all the way back to the Blank Century itself. Since then, it has been home to a very, _very_ specific heirloom that has been passed down from master to apprentice for generations. An heirloom which, in the wrong hands, could change the face of the world. This selfsame heirloom is what the agents have been subtly scouring the island for for almost half a decade."

Soundbite swallowed heavily as he eyed me nervously. " **W-What** _ **is IT?"**_

I reached up and tipped the brim of my hat down so that it shadowed my eyes. "The blueprints for the most powerful battleship ever conceived, which has devastated innumerable lives over the years without ever seeing the light of day: _Pluton."_

Soundbite, Nami and even Zoro paled, as I thought they might, but Vivi…

Vivi's expression practically warped, morphing into a twisted combination of both horrified, bloodless apprehension and complete and utter _outrage._ "That fucking _weapon…"_ she hissed.

"Don't worry, don't worry," I raised my hands placatingly. "The blueprints will be destroyed before we're done and only one key to that _thing_ will be left in existence, and it'll be well out of anyone's reach. Barring any completely unforeseen circumstances, Pluton will never bother us again, alright?"

" _And what's the other—?!"_ Vivi began, before falling silent as she noticed my thumb pointing over my shoulder at the door. "…ah. And you're sure—?"

"Ohara burned because of the damn Weapons. Trust me, she hates having that knowledge in her head as much as you do," I informed her. "But… that's not to say that nothing can make her use it. That's the biggest risk we're going to have on Water 7. CP9 was in charge of destroying Ohara with a Buster Call. And now, their chief has either been granted the authority to activate another one or he's stolen it for himself. In the end, it doesn't really matter: that call goes out, the island it went out on _burns._ And if Robin finds out about that…"

"She'll run for the hills because she thinks we're not strong enough to stop it…" Nami divined soberly, which got a grimace out of me in return.

"Worse than that: because she thinks we're not strong enough to stop it, she'll turn herself over to certain death in a misguided attempt to try and save the rest of us. And if that happens, there will only be one course of action we can take to save her. And epic though it would be, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'd rather _avoid_ having to storm Enies Lobby." I allowed myself to relax a bit as a grin that was equal parts goofy and eager stretched across my face. "No matter how fun or cathartic it might be…"

Vivi allowed a slight line of drool to slide out of her mouth as she stared at nothing. "Yeah… seeing a whole Government island burn _would_ be pretty awesome…" she mused before hastily shaking her head. "But, ah, no, I think we'd rather avoid that if possible. So, what are we supposed to do?"

"Chopper and Sanji will be assigned to watch Robin like hawks, and the five of us will need to avoid the four agents as much as possible: Kalifa, Iceburg's blonde secretary, which is why Sanji isn't in here; Blueno, a bartender with his hair done up in ox horns, close friend of a lot of people on the island; Kaku, a shipwright with a nose like Usopp's but square instead of round, very well-respected; and above all, Rob Lucci, a stern-faced shipwright who only speaks through ventriloquism with his pigeon, also well-respected." I sharpened my glare. "I cannot stress this enough: even if worst comes to worst, no matter what happens, no matter _what…_ do not, _not_ challenge Rob Lucci unless you want to _die."_

"Is he really that bad, Cross?" Zoro asked with a hint of eagerness. I responded by leveling a chilling glare at him.

"Don't even think about it, Zoro. Luffy is the only one who has even the remotest of remote chances at beating him, and even then, it was a close thing; he was pushed to and far past his limits, to the point that after he dealt the finishing blow, he barely had enough energy left to _speak,_ much less stand. And Lucci brought him to that point, without weapons, without trickery, without any sort of special abilities to warp the fight. All he has is sheer brute force, backed up by the Six Powers and the Cat-Cat Fruit, Model: Leopard."

Zoro grimaced ferociously, and I had the distinct impression that he was thinking something in the vein of 'I need more training.'

"'Sides, if things do go south, you'll be getting your fill through Kaku. He's a real swordsman; some Devil Fruit bullshittery, but apart from that, a worthy challenge. Satisfied?"

Zoro's feral grin was all that I needed to see.

"So, avoid those four as much as possible if we want to stay alive, easy enough. Anything else that we need to know?" Nami asked.

"Ah, let's see…" I started counting down on my fingers. "Well, Kaku and Kalifa don't have powers yet, their fruits are waiting at Enies Lobby, so that's a bullet dodged. But Blueno ate the Door-Door Fruit, which lets him turn anything he touches into a door. Extremely useful for assassinations. Besides that…"

I did a quick mental review, and then my eyes widened. "Actually, there is one more thing, though more annoying than dangerous. Iceburg's right-hand shipwright, a cigar-smoker with enough ropes up his sleeve to build a house out of them named Paulie, _might_ try to take some of our money to pay off loan sharks that he's indebted to. Again, odds are that the SBS has removed that particular worry, but then again, that much money _can_ make people a bit stupid, so just FYI."

"If he _does_ try that, he'll wish he hadn't," Nami snarled fervently before marching to the door. "Alright, if that's all, I'd better get back to navigating."

"Right, right, go ahead," I said, waving my hand casually before reaching for my bag. "And as for me, I'm going to do my best to fend off depression and kill a few hours the only way I know how. Try tuning in, this is gonna be _fun._ " I glanced at Soundbite. "Ring up Apoo. If ever there was a good time to start things off with him, this would be the one."

**-o-**

Boa Marigold hissed slightly as she rolled her shoulder, listening attentively as her joints popped in preparation. "Alright, sisters, what do you suggest we improve on today?"

"It better not be tail-lifts again," Sandersonia groused as she stretched her hamstrings. "I _swear_ that we've done it for the past three sessions."

"What's wrong, Sonia?" Hancock chuckled as she bandaged her… _assets_. "Unable to stand the pain needed to afford the gain?"

The green-haired amazon hissed irritably as she shot her sister a stinkeye. "First, I'm taller than _both_ of you; second, I don't have muscles like cables like Mari; and _third_ , you don't have to deal with phantom pains coming from your nonexistent tail when you're human, so you have _no_ right to criticize me! Got it!?"

Hancock and Marigold exchanged looks before _smiling,_ causing the tallest of the three to break out in a cold sweat _._

"Alright, then, that's fair," Marigold smirked, fangs flashing in her mouth as she slowly grew to tower above her. "Then in that case, whatever shall we do instead?"

"Oh, a thought occurs…" Hancock purred as the air started to shimmer around her. "It has been ever so long… perhaps we shall work on our dear sister's resistance to Conqueror's Haki in the middle of live combat instead?"

"Like I was saying, you can never have enough practice with tail-lifts!" Sandersonia yelped as she snapped into her hybrid form and shot into the abandoned stands of Amazon Lily's arena, cowering in terror from the sadists she called sisters.

On a day like any other, between the Kuja Pirates' raids from island to island, the Gorgon Sisters were honing their skills away from the prying eyes of the rest of the tribe. It wasn't so much that they minded others watching—there was nothing Hancock loved more than an adoring audience—as it was that training was easier when they didn't have to pull their punches in order to avoid incurring any clothing damage. As such, whenever the Gorgons trained, the rest of the tribe granted them as much privacy as they did when they were bathing.

Or at least, that _was_ the case, up until that very training session. As Sandersonia straightened from the stands, movement from one of the entrances caught her eyes. In a flash of green, the anaconda-woman dove across the stands, snapped her tail into the corridor—

"GAH!"

And hissed irritably as she withdrew a struggling Kuja warrior from the shadows, wrapped up in her coils. "Looks like we've got a little rat sneaking around, sisters…" she bit out. Marigold and Hancock instantly snapped out of their amusement, and in short order, the squirming amazon found herself looking at the distinctly angry faces of the island's three strongest warriors.

"I do believe I recognize her…" Marigold hummed as she twisted around her sister in order to both get a better look at the interloper and increase the fear factor. "Marguerite, one of my higher-level students. Quite skilled in her Armament."

"Looks like you'll need to start looking for a new favorite," Sandersonia growled as she started flexing her coils.

"Ah, n-no, wait, please, I-I'm sorry!" Marguerite pleaded as she stared at the sister's leering fangs in terror.

"Hold it, Mari, Sonia," Hancock cut in with an impassive tone and expression. "She hasn't done anything wrong yet. Let her go so that she may explain herself."

The snake-hybrids shot shocked looks at their sister. "Who are you and what have you done with Hancock?" they chorused in unison.

The Pirate Empress scowled in annoyance. "Would you mind not acting _quite_ so surprised!? I don't _actually_ only listen to every other word Princess Nefertari says, you know!"

The two serpents, if anything, only looked more incredulous. They _then_ looked panicked when it felt like the weight of the world slammed down on them, a vein on Hancock's forehead prominently displayed. " **Proof enough?"**

The snake-women promptly snapped back into their human forms and bowed their heads to the ground. "We apologize for our disrespect, dearest sister!"

Hancock sniffed imperiously as she stared down at the two of them. "I shall consider accepting your apologies at a later date. For now, however…" The Snake Princess strode up to the still-shell-shocked Kuja warrior, causing her to flinch back in terror—

And then she blushed, all but melting as the impossibly beautiful woman put a finger beneath her chin and _slooowly_ tilted her head up. "I apologize for my sisters' actions… Marguerite, was it? Clearly, they require more experience with the finer points of leadership," Hancock said gently.

"T-That's alright, I-I understand…" Marguerite only just managed to whisper out.

The two other Gorgon sisters looked halfway between incredulous and outraged; if it wasn't enough that Hancock had the gall to say that she was a better leader than them, it seemed like it was actually _true_ in this case! What was the world coming to?!

"When did _we_ become the bad guys?!" Marigold hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

" _Now_ will you listen to me when I say we need to find the other Snake-Snake Fruit users and unionize!?" Sandersonia shot back.

"I'm certainly _considering_ it now."

"Even so," Hancock continued, her smile fading slightly. "All my sisters and I ask is that you and your comrades stay out of the arena when we train for your own protection. After all…" She turned around and moved her hair to the side, causing Marguerite to shiver in terror as she gazed at the scant few strips of cloth that separated her from being turned to stone. "You know that to gaze upon the eyes is certain death. So, why did you disobey?"

Marguerite had tears in her eyes as she faced the disappointment in the Pirate Empress' eyes. It seemed likely that she would have bowed her head in shame were it not for Hancock's finger holding it up. "I… I w-wanted to talk… to the three of you in p-private. And th-this seemed like the best chance," she stammered.

All three of the sisters seemed curious upon hearing the answer. Slowly, Hancock withdrew from her, looking with an unsmiling but not unkind expression upon the Kuja.

"In the future, the best way to do that would be to put forth a request for a private audience. But as we're already here, what did you want to talk to us about?

"I… well…" Marguerite swallowed heavily as she got her thoughts in order. "E-Ever since the Straw Hat Pirates began broadcasting their adventures via the SBS, I have learned… so much about the world of men. The existence of Sky Islands, the extent of the power of the World Government—" She allowed herself to quirk up a slight smile. "Their… shall we say, unique ways of thinking and acting…" Her expression hastily sobered up again. "But… one of the most important things I've learned is how they fight. Their… Their unique abilities." Marguerite bit her lip and looked away uncomfortably. "Their... Their unique abilities that allow them to break the laws of physics, that allow them to… to transform into animals…" She swallowed heavily in an effort to steel her nerves. "These… These abilities… Cross explained that they came from… from Devil Fruits…"

Due to being distracted by her emotions, Marguerite was entirely unaware of the tension that had come over the sisters, or of the fact that the Snake-Zoans were _slowly_ rising to tower behind her.

Marguerite bowed her head and kicked meekly at the ground. "H-Honorable sisters, know that I truly respect none moreso than you and that I would _never_ mean any disrespect, b-but…" She shook her head firmly. "I-I'm sorry, but considering what I know, I-I just can't _deny_ what I suspect."

"And what do you _suspect,_ warrior?" Hancock ordered more than asked. Gone was any trace of compassion or mercy, only a frigid coldness appropriate for an iceberg… or an executioner.

The blonde Kuja shivered as she stared into her Princess's eyes, but she forged on anyway. "H-Honorable sisters… do… do you… have… Devil Fruit powers?"

Hancock's expression promptly flashed into a mask of rage as she snapped her fingers.

_WHOOSH! CRACK!_

" _YEARGH!"_

The _instant_ the sound rang out, both Sonia and Mari lashed out with their serpentine bodies, coiling around Marguerite and all but _crushing_ her with their tails. As it was, the force of the assault was enough to snap over a dozen bones at once.

The panicked warrior coughed up a mouthful of blood as she tried desperately to draw air. "Y-Your highness, p-please, mer— _GRK!"_

" _Quiet,"_ Hancock snarled as she crushed Marguerite's throat beneath her fingers before relaxing her grip _just_ enough to allow her a minimal flow of oxygen. "How many others know?"

"I… m-my comrade S-Sweet Pea guessed, a-and she started to explain her t-thoughts to my ally Aphelandra… B-BUT!" Marguerite yelped as she noticed Hancock shooting a deadly glance up at her sisters. "W-When I-I realized that she was p-probably right, I d-dissuaded them, convinced them they were wrong. I-I knew that y-you must have a reason that you w-wouldn't tell us, t-that's why I c-came alone! N-Not even my partner Kaa knows!"

The Gorgon Sisters exchanged looks. Hancock in particular looked marginally less upset, and even contemplative. Ultimately, however, she pinned Marguerite with a pitiless stare. "You have my thanks, Marguerite."

The warrior blinked at her in confusion…

_SNRK!_

"GYAGH!" Marguerite screamed in agony as the serpent-women's coils tightened further, ignoring what little Haki she'd erected.

"Your discretion means that we won't have to harm anyone else in order to maintain our privacy."

"P-Princess…" Marguerite wheezed.

"Such an intelligent warrior…" Marigold growled as she circled around her captive. "Such a shame that her foolishness led to her suffering such an ignoble death."

"Yesss," Sandersonia hissed in agreement as she followed her sister. "If only she hadn't slipped while feeding my dear Bacura. She might have even been a member of the crew one day." She unhinged her jaws and flashed her fangs in a vicious leer. " _Oh, well!"_

And with that, the sisters lashed down—

" _Don don don don!"_

—before freezing as the Transponder Snail the Boas had brought with them started ringing.

Sonia snapped her mouth shut and crossed her arms with an irritated hiss. "Why am I even surprised, his sense of timing is always like this," she grumbled.

"It would appear that you get to live a little longer, Marguerite," Marigold muttered, though she only loosened enough to grant the Kuja half a breath. "Considering the Straw Hats' typical integrity, I for one find it would be in… bad taste to do something so unsavory during the SBS, regardless of the necessity."

Hancock sniffed as she brought up the snail. "I suppose there's no harm in waiting a few minutes or hours; she's not going anywhere." With nary another thought to their captive, she picked up the snail's microphone, causing it to awaken with a _very_ familiar shit-eating grin.

" _Nine Seakings, ten seakings! Aaand that's all we're waiting for! Hello, ladies and gentlemen of this fine and fucked up world we live in, my name is Jeremiah Cross and with me is my co-host—!"_

" **The unmistakable** _ **AND UNFORGETTABLE**_ **SOUNDBITE!"**

" _Indeed, and it is my honor to tell you all that—!"_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Cross's proclamation was cut off by a rapping noise coming from his end.

" _Eh? The heck?"_ There came the creaky noise of a door opening. " _Leo? What do you want?"_

" _Oh, nothing in particular, I just wanted to tell you that it's time to start the SBS."_

" _Oh, well, that's just fine, then, thanks for telling me!"_ And with that, the door shut. " _Now, where was I… oh, right, it's time to start the—HEY, WAIT A SECOND! DAMN IT, LEO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU BEING ONE OF THE SERIOUS ONES!?"_

" _ **TRAITOR!"**_ Soundbite roared in agreement.

"How is it that despite knowing that it's coming every time, that joke never stops being funny?" Sonia snickered.

"Some things are just sacred like that…" Marigold sighed wistfully.

"… _grrggh! BAH! Screw it! The universe might be against me, but I'm not going to stop trying! I'm going to manage to start this thing again if it's the last thing I do!"_

" _AND I'M_ **going to** _ **stop you again**_ **IF IT'S THE LAST THING THAT** _ **I**_ **DO!"**

" _Challenge accepted. Alright, anyways, moving on. People of the world, a while back I promised to speak on the topic I will share with you today, a very important one at that, and considering that I've got a lot more time on my hands now, it is my opinion that I may as well dive on into it. Today's topic? The fishmen. Or rather, both fishmen and merfolk… and tolerance."_

The three sisters promptly stiffened in shock as every iota of their attention was locked on to the snail, ignoring even the slight tingles of fire and pain they felt dancing on their backs.

" _Now, for those of you who know of this crew's reputation from before we created the SBS, you may find it strange that I would want to speak favorably of fishmen, considering what happened with Arlong. In response to you who wonder that, it's the same standards that I go by with pirates and Marines: one fragment is not necessarily a fair representation of the whole. Which actually brings me around to the central point of this particular discussion: explaining just why we hate one another when in the end,_ we're all exactly the same. … _Heh, I imagine that I just confused a lot of people, considering how the entire topic is based on our differences, huh? Let me try and explain what I'm talking about."_

**-o-**

" _Well, let's start with defining our differences so that you can understand_ why _defining their species by them is, frankly, ridiculous. Fishmen and Merfolk are, as their names so clearly imply, part fish. Sometimes the traits that define them as such are blatantly obvious, such as tails, fins, gills, extra limbs, and so on and so forth. They've developed martial arts styles that let them manipulate water as they like, they're physically stronger by about ten times than any normal human—though considering the Grand Line, let's be honest, that's not saying much—and, of course, most poignant and definitive of all, they can survive underwater as easily, if not better than, if they were on land. When you put all that together, you get a person who's nothing at all like an average human, don't you? Someone who can do the impossible and who looks completely different, right? Well, see… I can actually name humans_ just _like that: Devil Fruit users."_

"What does he mean, Martin? Devil Fruit users can't swim—" asked a young blue tang fishgirl.

"Shh! Quiet, Lori, we'll get in trouble if we get caught!" hissed an older and much more serious clownfish fishboy, who took the time to glance out into the darkened streets of the Fishman District and guarantee that yes, nobody with a _very_ specific tattoo was around to see them. "Why do you think we're listening to this in an alleyway?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, if Hody's guys find us they'll crack our skulls together, but still—!"

"He'll probably explain, now shush!"

" _Allow me to clarify a bit: Devil Fruit users are capable of incredible, impossible feats, things beyond the capabilities of even fishmen, and yet… we still treat them as human. Why? Because they look like every other human? Because intellectually, we know that they were born human? In case you haven't noticed, there's a rather spectacular double-standard going on here: we hate fishmen for being different, but we don't hate Devil Fruit users_ in spite _of them being different. Well, there are admittedly a few people who see people with Abilities as monsters, but I'm fairly certain those are just uneducated hicks, or the user in question has_ earned _that reputation, so I'm counting them as exceptions. Anyway, where was I…"_

"Yeah, where was he?"

"Lori, have you been skipping your pills again?"

"They make my head spin!"

"They make your head _work!"_

" _Ah, right, now I remember!"_ Cross chuckled sheepishly. " _Now then, now that I've defined just how we're different let me tell you how we're_ similar. _Let's start from the most simple: we're all made of the same stuff. Same flesh, same bone, same blood. We bleed the same, we breathe the same, half the time anyways, and we eat the same. When it comes to lifestyle, they're still the same: they live, they love… and they even hate. Yes, some fishmen, like Arlong or those like him, hate humans just as much as some humans hate fishmen. But the question is… why do we hate each other? As I've just pointed out, our differences aren't all that pressing, while our similarities are through the roof! Come the final tally… we're all one and the same. So… why? Why do our species hate each other so thoroughly?"_

"Hey, he's actually got a good point," the blue tang fishgirl pointed out.

The clownfish glanced out of the alleyway for a second before gesturing for her to go on.

"Well, Hody and his guys always tell us that humans are bad and junk, right? But I've never even really seen a human, and I don't think I've ever heard about humans doing anything to them either, _and_ from what I've been hearing via the SBS they actually sound pretty cool! So…" Lori tilted her head in confusion. "Why do Hody and his guys say we have to hate him?"

Martin opened his mouth to respond, then slowly closed it without a word.

" _Now, before I go on, I'll readily admit that a good number of fishmen and merfolk have every reason to hate our race due to what I described the last time I mentioned fishmen: slavery. I won't go into the specifics, but it's a long and bloody history that's justified hatred for the human race among any who went through that hell, or knows someone who did. And I'll readily admit that I have no point of reference for how they feel, so what I'm saying here may not be all that reasonable. But even so, the fact is that for every fishmen that's been enslaved, there are still others who haven't. There's a new generation who haven't ever met the other race, who should have no grudge against them but are still being told that they must hate them anyway. There are fishmen who've never met humans, and humans who have never met fishmen… and yet, they know with all their hearts that they must hate one another without mercy. Why do they hate each other, if they've never even met each other? If they have no personal grudges? The answer is simple… yet_ horrifying."

The fish-children leaned in close, listening intently.

" _They hate one another… for the sheer sake of hatred itself."_

Lori opened her mouth to say something…

"Oi, you two."

And then she and Martin both froze as a pair of hands clamped down on their heads and a _sickeningly_ familiar voice sounded behind them.

"Tell me…"

The children's heads were turned against their will, forcing them to stare down the leering beak of the New Fishman Pirates' primary recruiter.

"What the hell…" Hammond hissed viciously. "Do you think you're doin'?"

Martin swallowed heavily, fighting to keep his bladder under control. "N-N-Nothin'… j-just killing time…"

"Y-Yeah, yeah!" Lori nodded frantically in agreement.

"Oh, really, now?" Hammond slowly cocked his eyebrow. "Because it looks to me…" He turned their heads back to stare at the snail. "Like you two're listening to that human _drivel_ that Captain Hody outlawed from the Fishman District. After all, the last thing any _decent_ fishman needs to waste their time on is listening to a _human_."

"W-W-We're _sorry…"_ Lori whimpered tearfully.

"Heh…" Hammond's leer widened by several teeth. "Funny thing, that. The last bloke we caught listening to this garbage, he was sorry too. Pleaded and pleaded, but he said he _liked_ listening to the damn thing." The pike conger fishman leaned in close to the kids so that he was hissing in their ears. "Ya know what we did to him?"

Martin's eyes shot wide in panic. "Nonono, please don't, we'll never listen again, we promise, we—!"

"That's right!" Hammond crowed as he forced the clownfish-kid forward so that he was face to face with his borrowed Transponder Snail. "Since he said he liked the human's words so much, we made him _eat them._ Rather clever play on words, that. Came up with it myself, made the boss laugh, all poetic and junk. And would ya look at that! This here source of words is an adult one! That's good!" He forced Lori forward as well so that she was side by side with Martin. "That means that you two can _share."_

"Nononono—!"/"Please, I-I'll do anything, just leave her alone, _please—!"_

"Ah, will you two _shaddup already?"_ Hammond shook his head with an aggravated growl. "You kids don't seem to understand here: either you prove that you're actually sorry about listening to that garbage…" He cracked his neck side to side. "Or we make _certain_ that you never listen to it agai—GRK!"

The New Fishman Pirate's diatribe was suddenly cut off by a massive blue hand encircling his throat and crushing his windpipe shut.

"Let. Them. Go."

Hammond promptly complied, whipping his hands away from the kids' heads in favor of scrabbling at the fingers that were choking the life out of him.

The blue-skinned whale shark fishman glared bloody murder at the conger fishman for a second before sparing the children a concerned glance. "Are you two alright?"

Martin and Lori nodded in confirmation.

"That's good," Jinbe sighed in relief before putting a finger up. "Please be patient for a moment." He then darkened his expression as he lifted Hammond off the ground and twisted his grip so that he could stare him in the eye. "Now, you listen, and you listen good, you two-bit slaving _hypocrite._ You are going to go back to Hody and you are going to tell him that I am enforcing a _new_ taboo in the Fishman District: anyone who tries to stop anyone else from listening to the SBS will have to deal with _me._ Do I make myself clear?"

Hammond gurgled in both terror and fury as the grip on his throat loosened just enough for him to speak. "You… _traitor…_ Hody's gonna—!"

Jinbe jerked Hammond close, so that their faces were only a few inches apart, and _snarled,_ emphasizing his size and fangs as much as he possibly could.

Hammond paled and started nodding frantically. "A-Alright, alright, alright! I-I'll tell him, I'll tell him, I sw—!"

"Good."

Without further ado, the fishman Warlord smoothly turned his torso and swung his arm, and one second later, the New-Fishman Pirate slammed into the building across the street from the alleyway.

"Now leave," Jinbei ordered in a barely calm tone. "And if you say anything else—!"

Judging by how fast the slaver shot down the street, the whale-shark fishman had gotten his point across.

Jinbe glared after him for a second longer before taking a moment to soften his expression and look back at the children. "You're both certain you're alright, yes?"

Martin and Lori looked at one another for a second before nodding firmly.

"Yeah, we're fine. It takes more than that to hurt a fishman!" Lori proclaimed proudly.

"We're as tough as Fisher Tiger himself!" Martin concurred.

Jinbei smiled proudly as he leaned down and patted their heads. "Yes. Yes, you most certainly are. Now then, if you'll excuse me," he said as he stood up and turned to exit the alley. "I need to go and make sure the rest of Hody's crew gets the message properly. Please, feel free to keep listening to the SBS, and make sure your friends listen too. It's quite educational."

"Yes, sir!" the clownfish-kid nodded.

Jinbei started walking…

"Ah, sir?"

Before pausing and glancing back as Lori tugged on his pants leg. "Yes?"

"Uh, well…" the blue tang girl kicked the ground shyly. "Mister Cross said that Hody and his guys hate humans… just _because,_ right?

Jinbei's expression saddened slightly before he nodded. "Yes, that's correct."

The girl's face twisted in confusion. "But… But that's just _stupid! …_ Isn't it?"

The Warlord stood stock still for a moment…

And then he slowly turned around, crouched down, and patted the girl's head with a _very_ proud smile.

"Yes. Yes, it is. That is _exactly_ right," he confirmed, tears shimmering in the corners of his eyes.

**-o-**

" _Now, again, I can't speak for those who have true darkness in their pasts. But for the rest, the ones yet unaffected, I believe that it should be plain and self-evident just how utterly_ asinine _this motivation is. To propagate love for the sake of love, fun for the sake of fun, happiness for the sake of happiness? These are all perfectly acceptable motivations. But to propagate hatred for the sheer sake of hatred itself… there is no justification. No acceptable motivation, no righteous enough cause, and_ definitely _no benefit that anyone with a heart or a lick of sense would consider acceptable. In the end, hatred… is utterly pointless."_

In a kingdom of pure white, hidden from the rest of the world, a former amnesiac and a brocade perch fishman observed as their female friend listened to the SBS broadcast with an expression of sheer, unrestrained _joy_ on her face.

"I was looking forward to him talking about this from the second he first mentioned fishmen," she whispered more to herself than anyone. "And I… I am _not_ disappointed."

" _I know that I must seem preachy or naïve or stupid to so many, I'm sure, but… honestly, the fact of the matter is that_ somebody _has to say it. Somebody has to say this to everyone, all at once, and_ make _them realize… make them realize that this has to end. This cycle of hatred, of revenge… if we keep grinding against each other, then one way or another, it's all gonna end in pain. As a wise man from my homeland once said, 'An eye for an eye shall make the whole world go blind.'"_

There was a brief period of silence as Cross seemed to gather his thoughts, followed by him sighing heavily. " _Look… my words are nice and all… but the fact is that this cycle, this hatred? It's never gonna end unless somebody does more than speak. It's not gonna end until someone… until a_ lot _of someones extend their hands in friendship. In kindness. And this can't just be from one side, either. I know… I know that there are elements on Fishman Island doing the good work, fighting for the beautiful dream of peace and unity, but that's not enough. If we want peace, if we want the hatred to end on both sides, then we_ need _to meet them halfway. Somebody has to take that first step… and hold out their hand."_

Koala hiccuped tearfully as she cradled her own hand. She jumped slightly when a hand landed on her shoulder, but she smiled up at its owner when she recognized whose it was. Hack smiled back kindly as he gave a reassuring squeeze.

" _And as much as quite a few people, and myself, if we're being honest, would like for it to be, that somebody is just not me. It_ can't _be me. I've got a big voice, sure, but I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak for the fishman rescued from slavery. I can't speak for the human brutalized by fishman pirates. I don't_ know _their stories, their experiences, not in that unique way only those who have experienced it do. It just doesn't have enough_ weight _coming from me. I… ergh, I'm rambling a bit, but… look, the point is that whoever it is that takes that first step, it has to be someone who has heard both sides… no, not heard both sides. Someone who has heard and_ listened."

"So, Koala…" Sabo started lightly, slowly allowing his usual grin to slide back into place. "Are you still going to kick his ass when you meet him in person?"

Koala blinked as she mulled the thought over before folding her arms behind her head and adopting a mulish expression. "Most definitely. First I'm gonna give him the mother of all concussions with a palm straight to his skull!"

In spite of being behind her, neither Sabo nor Hack missed the soft grin that had grown on Koala's face, or the lines of water dripping from her eyes.

"And then…" she whispered. "I'm going to break every bone in his body with the mother of all hugs."

**-o-**

" _Well, that's all I have to say on the matter for now. Now, on to more positive matters—!"_

_CLICK!_

Sandersonia and Marigold jumped in shock as they were broken out of the miniature trance they'd been in. They were equally shocked by the sight of Hancock pressing her finger to the Transponder Snail's cradle, forcing it back to sleep.

"S-Sister, what—?" Sandersonia started to stammer.

"Quiet," Hancock ordered, her voice quiet but firm. "I need to think."

The Zoan-users promptly complied and allowed a tense silence to fill the air, interrupted only by Marguerite's labored, raspy breathing.

Hancock's head remained bowed for several minutes, and then she stepped towards her sisters, taking hold of Marguerite's chin and forcing her hanging head up so as to stare her in the eye. "What was your intention coming to ask us about our powers?" she asked, not in a cold voice, but rather a calm and measured one.

Marguerite swallowed, clearing her throat as she mustered the strength needed to speak. "I… I only wanted to understand better. You are the strongest and most beautiful warriors in all of Amazon Lily, and… I wanted to know w-why you would keep the true source of your m-magnificient powers a secret. I…" Marguerite trailed off as tears started to leak from her eyes. "I…In retrospect… it's so obvious… the reason you would lie… despite being so strong and so proud… it's something you're all ashamed of, isn't it? Something… Something horrible. And I…"

Sandersonia and Marigold glanced uncomfortably at each other as the Kuja started crying, and not from the pain either.

Marguerite shook her head with a sob. "I'm sorry… so sorry… I-I shouldn't have—! I should have _realized—!"_

The Kuja's babbling stopped abruptly as Hancock placed a hand on her cheek. Looking up at the empress, Marguerite saw that she was smiling warmly once again.

"It's alright," the Pirate Empress said softly. "I forgive you."

"ARE YOU—?!" the serpentine giants started to roar before Hancock silenced them with a raised hand. The Snake Princess refocused her attention on Marguerite and _gently_ imposed her will on her. More than her meager—if relatively impressive—willpower could withstand, but not enough to utterly strike her down, instead gently sliding her into the realm of oblivion.

Hancock tossed her hair as she took a step back and looked up at her green-haired sibling. "Sonia," she stated firmly, her voice brooking no argument. "Take Marguerite to the nearest doctor. Inform her that she was caught in our training, that it was an accident and that she is not to be punished."

The anaconda hybrid still looked incredulous and a second away from mutiny, but nevertheless she ultimately transferred Marguerite from her tail to her arms and shot down the stands and into a corridor heading out of the arena.

Once she was gone, Marigold reverted to her human state and turned towards Hancock with just as much incredulity. "Sister, she _knows._ And it's already a pure miracle that no one else has realized it! What on earth are you thinking?"

Hancock refused to meet her gaze, staring at the ground as she spoke. "Tell me, Mari… Over the years, over the course of our rule over our home…" The Empress's hand strayed unbidden towards her back. "How many of _their_ habits do you think we've adopted?"

"Wha— _none,_ sister! We would never be like _them!"_ Marigold responded fervently.

Hancock's lips quirked into a melancholy smile as she let out a dry chuckle. "Yes… That would once have been my answer, too… but in retrospect?" She slowly turned her gaze to stare at the Transponder Snail snoozing a few feet away. "Hatred for hatred's sake, judging the totality by the actions of the minority, unnecessary cruelty…" Hancock slowly sank onto one of the stadium's benches, a shaky smile spreading across her lips even as she cradled her face in her hand. "I now think that the answer would be 'too many.'"

Marigold opened her mouth to say something, to say anything to refute her sister's thoughts—then opened it even further as she realized that she just couldn't think of anything. "Oh… Oh, God…"

Hancock chuckled again as she nodded in agreement. "Indeed, indeed…" She lapsed into silence for a moment before speaking again. "You know what the worst part of all this is?" she said with a sad smile, tears streaming down her face all the while. "I'm actually going to have to _concede_ to that old witch's demands and get some therapy. How… How pathetic is that?"

Marigold took that in before slowly shaking her head, a bitter smile on her own face. "Less pathetic than we would be if that loud-mouth hadn't started that show and we'd never realized our hypocrisy."

Hancock chuckled at that. Her chuckle slowly evolved into laughter, which evolved to take on a hysterical tone, and then devolved into sobs, at which point Marigold hastily enveloped her in a hug, letting her sister cry herself out as long as she needed.

**-o-**

"— _and throw in a few cups of rubbing alcohol. After that, just let it stew for a few days and voila! You have a bottle of foolproof bugspray that reeks to high heaven! Fair warning, don't use this on covert ops unless you're heading somewhere that smells like hell because you sure as heck will!"_

"Apapapa! Now, that certainly sounds useful!" Apoo whispered as he leaned back into his seat, arms twisted into a comfortable position so that he could finish writing the recipe down. "Good for both pranks and to keep from getting bugbitten! It's a really nice change of subject after that heavy stuff earlier!"

" _Hm… what else…"_ Cross mused before sighing wearily. " _Ah, geeze, I shoulda planned things out better, I don't have any material! Hrm… oh, I know! How about I pass things off to Soundbite for some music, hm? To pass the time?"_

" **Sounds good to me!** _I GOT A GOOD SONG_ _ **in mind!"**_

" _Well, alright, then, let's do it!_ Allons-y!"

Apoo promptly shot out of in his chair and slammed a hand down next to his active Transponder Snail, grinning eagerly as his other hand snatched up the snail's mic, where it had been lying next to the snail proper. "Apapa!" he whispered to himself. " _Finally, it's showtime!"_

" _Livin' on sponge cake,_

_Watchin' the sun bake;_

_All of those tourists covered with oil._

_Strummin' my six-string on my front porch swing._

_Smell those shrimp, hey, they're beginnin' to boi—!"_

Apoo chose that point to take ahold of his lower jaw and _twist,_ causing his mandible to spin and his teeth to grind together in such a way that they produced a staticky noise. The static traveled through his mic, across the connection that he'd established a few minutes prior, and then out of the mouths of every Transponder Snail in the world connected to the SBS, cutting Soundbite's music off and causing him to squawk in well-faked panic.

"WHAT THE _**heck?!"**_

" _Huh?"_ Cross blinked in surprise. " _What was that, Soundbite?"_

" **Not a clue! ALL OF** _a sudden it WAS LIKE SOMEONE WAS—!"_

The long-arm-man twisted his jaw again, producing a longer and more wavery squawk of static.

"YEOW, THAT _**stung! WHAT THE HELL'S**_ _GOING O—!?"_

Apoo twisted his jaw harshly a third and final time. Once he finished producing the electronic squeal, Apoo adopted a wide grin and belted out an eager cackle. "APAPAPA! Finally! After all that time searching, I've cracked your signal! Move over, Cross, the Roar of the Sea is taking over the SBS!"

" _Wha—!? Wait, 'Roar of the—'! Hang on, I know you!"_ Cross barked in shock. " _You're Apoo, aren't you!? Apoo, Long-Arm-Tribesman and Captain of the On-Air Pirates!"_

"Apapapa! I take it my reputation precedes me, hm?" Apoo preened proudly.

"' _Reputation'!?"_ Cross spat in a voice full of vitriol. " _Hardly! You're just a_ _70 million blowhard who my captain could pick out of his teeth, with bad taste in music to boot! What the hell are you doing on my show!?"_

Apoo hastily snapped a hand to his mouth in order to obscure his snicker before adopting a scowl and responding. "First of all, that's seventy- _five_ million! Get it right, you no-bounty big mouth!"

" _ **BIG MOUTH?"**_ Soundbite roared. " **YOU** _HAVE THE_ **GALL** TO CALL _ANYONE_ _ **BIG MOUTH?!**_ _THAT'S FUCKING RICH!"_

"And _second!"_ Apoo pressed on, ignoring Soundbite's taunt save for a withheld chuckle. "Tastes in music are exactly why I'm here! Ever since your dumbass snail started blaring that drivel it has the gall to call 'music', I knew that I had to get on to this show no matter the cost!"

" _The hell are you on about, you incompetent excuse for a disc jockey!?"_

It took all of Apoo's willpower to contort his mouth so that he was sporting a leer rather than a grin. "I'm saying that you and your slimeball of a snail's music sucks every inch of ass it can! It's absolute junk, total garbage that's an absolute waste of time to listen to! So, for the sake of audio everywhere and forever, I've been dedicating my skills to trying to hack onto your broadcast for one purpose and one purpose only!"

" _And what the hell would_ that _be?"_ Cross growled, his voice utterly _dripping_ with contempt.

Apoo smirked deviously, and that was one emotion that he _didn't_ need to fake. "Why, what else? To _educate_ you on what music really is! Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I am _truly_ happy to welcome you all to Scratchman Apoo's Music Hour!"

" _ **APOO'S**_ **WHAT!?"** Soundbite roared indignantly. " _ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR_ **salt-addled mind!? I WOULDN'T VOMIT YOUR** _garbage if you_ FED ME A BOTTLE OF IPECAC!"

Apoo had to turn away in order to hide his silently laughing mouth, spending a solid minute pounding on the wall before turning back with a leer. "Yeah, well, you're _going_ to spread it all across the world whether you like it or not, you Subpar Bullshit Spewers! _APAPAPAPAPA!"_

For a _second,_ less than an instant, a smile flashed across the snail's face; Apoo was _certain_ that he would have missed it if he wasn't already looking for it. The next instant, however, the snail was back to scowling furiously. " _You wide-mouthed long-limbed degenerate piece of-!"_

"Okay, I think we've all had heard enough of mister blowhard!" Apoo whistled innocently before twisting his jaw again, sending out another flurry of static.

" _Hey wha—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _You ca—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _I'm gonna—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _rip your—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _and then—_ _ **ZRRRRRRRK-**_ CLICK!"

"Oh, dear, ladies and gentlemen! It appears that Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite have been disconnected. _What a pity,"_ Apoo drawled. "Now, as I was saying, let's get to Scratchman Apoo's Music Hour! Our first selection, a piece of music very near and dear to my people's hearts! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sound of music _not_ being pumped from a Sea King's bowels!"

And with that, the living instrument maestro began to play the Long-Arm Tribe's national anthem. And as he smiled and played, said maestro could only hope that his fellow musical friends were having _half_ as much fun as he was.

**-o-**

"PFFHAHAHAHA _HAAAA_ HAHAHA!" I alternately roared and wheezed, pounding my fist on the crate I was leaning over. "OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS _HILARIOUS!_ PFFHAHAHAHA!"

" _HOOHOOHOO_ **HEEHEEHEE** _ **HAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite cackled in agreement. " _They actually think_ _ **we hate each other!**_ **NO ONE HAS A** _ **CLUE!"**_

"We are _evil_ bastards, EEEVIIIIIL! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I crowed ecstatically.

As Soundbite and I revelled in the genius of our ruse, I reran what, exactly, the ruse _was_ in my head.

In essence, back on Skypiea, Soundbite, Apoo and I had collaborated to engineer a form of DJ feud. First, before I started the SBS, I called Apoo on Soundbite so that we had an open line running throughout the broadcast. Then, once I was good and ready, I spoke a predetermined buzzword to get Apoo's attention. Once that happened, he 'took over' my show and proceeded to strike up the mother of all radio-station feuds with me, trading insults and 'shutting down' Soundbite before deploying his own music. And this was just the start; in time, I'd 'learn to disrupt his disruption', and then we'd be giving a different meaning to 'fighting music'!

It was gonna be _sooo_ much fun and I just couldn't wait!

Sadly enough, however, this particular session was coming to a close as I recognized the notes that indicated that the song Apoo was playing was coming to a close.

"A— _hoo!—_ Alright, Soundbite, alright…" I wheezed as I reined my laughter back into control. "Showtime again, let's play it cool. Think you can keep the mirth out of my voice?"

"I'LL— _HEEHEEHEE—_ **I'LL NEED TO** _ **pull double-duty**_ **,** _but I'll try!"_ Soundbite snickered.

As we drew in gasps to calm ourselves down, Apoo finally brought his song to an end. " _Well, that's my time, people! With any luck, I've fixed the damage those two dipshits have done to your musical palates! For now, I have to go, pirate business to handle, but don't worry! I'll be back whenever those pathetic excuses of 'entertainers' dare insult the good name of music! Apoo out, apapa!"_

I had to cough out a few chuckles behind my fist before I managed to get some semblance of anger and indignation into my voice, which I managed with relative ease by thinking of Zoro's exercises. An electric click came over the connection, indicating that I was 'back in control'. "Triple-jointed menace…" I grumbled. "Alright, viewers, the good news is that the SBS is finally back under our righteous control. The bad news is that I am officially too burned out to bother continuing the show, and really, it's worn on enough as is. Well, at least I can satisfy myself knowing that I got the important stuff out of the way—"

"SPEAK FOR _**yourself!"**_ Soundbite whined, seeming almost ready to cry. " _I WANT MY_ **MUSIC CORNER!"**

"Mmph… well, we'll just have to make sure that this doesn't happen again," I sighed, trying to force being cut down and dropped hard to the deck to the forefront of my mind to mask my mirth. "Well, viewers, that'll be it for now. So, until next time, when maybe we won't have our introduction _and_ our show stolen, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And** _ **Soundbite…"**_

"Of the SBS, signing off."

I hung up the transceiver… and promptly fell back on the ground laughing. It took another minute or so before I could bring myself to speak calmly.

"Hoo… ha… alright. Well, that was fun! So!" I clapped my hands as I sat up. "How long do you think we have left before we get to Water 7?"

"LAND HO!" came Usopp's excited voice from out on the deck.

" _I guess not very long,"_ Soundbite drawled in a deep masculine voice.

"Oh, come on, Soundbite, save Andre's voice for someone who deserves it," I scolded goodnaturedly.

" _Fine,_ _ **FINE.**_ "

Nodding, I picked him and the transceiver up and walked out the door before turning to climb the stairs. "Now then, let's get a look at our next destinatioooo _ooooh holy_ SHIT." I felt my jaw drop as I took in the sight before me.

" **Ditto…"** Soundbite nodded in awe.

It… It never really sank in until I saw it, you know? It was so… so _obvious_ in retrospect. According to Tom, the shipwrights of Water 7 had had their mitts on the blueprints for Pluton for generations.

They'd had the blueprints for a weapon from the _Blank Century_ for generations.

That meant that Water 7, like Alabasta, had been present since the Century.

Now, granted, the architecture had changed over the years on account of the island sinking and Aqua Laguna, but I only need to glance at the architecture of the island to know that its history was still alive and well.

How else could an entire city essentially _be_ a fountain? A massive, singular love letter to the very element of water, gushing thousands of gallons of liquid - and I was probably seriously lowballing that number - thousands of feet into the air, all day every day without interruption. How else could there be doors built into the very infrastructure of the city big enough to fit two galleons side by side? How else could there be canals of water large enough to be rivers flowing down the slope of the city, sparsely interrupted by smaller offshoots winding through the blocks, like veins pulsing with the metropolis' lifeblood?

Water 7… it wasn't just any old Grand Line city. It was a living, _breathing_ testament of resistance, its very _existence_ a monument of defiance in the face of the World Government, Mother Nature, and their best efforts to bury the truth of what happened so many centuries ago!

It was, in a word, absolutely _breathtaking._

I licked my lips as I finally got my mind working again. "Wow…" I breathed.

" **You can say** _that again…"_ Soundbite whispered.

"Wow…" Conis repeated in my stead.

I blinked as her gasp brought me out of my own stupor, shooting her a grin. "The Grand Line never fails to impress, huh?"

A goofy grin slowly slid across Conis' face as she shook her head eagerly. "No. No, it does _not."_

"I am currently of the opinion that I _love_ this mad ocean!" Su giggled as she waved her tail.

"I think I'm getting a hint of how Luffy feels about spoilers," Mikey mumbled in awe. "I wouldn't give up this feeling for the _world."_

"Are you kidding?" Raphey scoffed fervently. "Even if Cross _had_ said that the island was a giant fountain, this wouldn't be any less amazing."

"I know _exactly_ what you're talking about," Vivi giggled euphorically. "I've seen this island almost half a dozen times in my life, but I swear that every time is even more breathtaking than the last."

Sadly, as great as it was to observe the splendor of Water 7, the moment just couldn't last forever. Nami was the first to snap out of it, and she turned to me with a questioning look. "So, Cross, where should we dock?"

"Hmm…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Eh, why not kill two birds with one stone? Let's circle around the island, the Franky House is on a peninsula, and we can—"

"That's not a good idea!" called a voice from beside the ship. A quick glance revealed an unremarkable boat inhabited by a middle-aged man with a fishing rod in his hand who'd drifted near us without us noticing.

"What do you mean, it's not a good idea?" Sanji asked curiously.

"I don't know what business you guys have with the Franky Family, but if you're going to approach their house, the only safe way is the front door," the fisherman replied grimly. "They've got booby traps out the wazoo to prevent attacks from the sea, plus those two King Bulls of theirs are monsters if they think you're a threat. I lost one of my better boats when I made the mistake of sailing into a keel-ripper they had submerged."

I grimaced and slapped a hand to my forehead. "Argh, right, that figures. They hunt _pirates,_ they'd want to make sure that nobody with a grudge could just come up and blast their house to pieces with cannonfire." I clicked my tongue dispassionately. "Well, that's annoying. In that case, what's the best place for us to dock our ship so that we can get in contact with Galley-La and _not_ get jumped by Marine or World Government stooges while we're away?"

"There's a cape that pirates always use, over that way!" the fisherman said, gesturing down the coast and away from the city proper. "Try and hide it from plain view if you can, those Government types really like to pry!"

"Don't have to tell _us_ twice…" Vivi bit out acridly as she marched away to grab up a line of Merry's rigging.

"Oh, and one more thing!" the fisherman said quickly. "Do you know about Aqua Laguna?"

I processed that, and then my heart skipped a beat; I thought that the timeline was paused on Long Ring Long Land, but I forgot about that monster of a wave! If we missed it—!… Actually, if we missed it, we'd be better off for it, wouldn't we? "Yeah, what about it?" I called out to him, fighting to keep the hope out of my voice.

"Well, it's just that it's scheduled to come in tomorrow night or thereabouts, and it's predicted that it's going to be the biggest one in living history!"

I snapped my fingers with a curse. " _So close!"_

"What's Aqua Laguna?" Usopp asked in confusion.

"Oh, it's an annual tsunami that strikes the island like clockwork," Vivi explained casually as she pulled on Merry's lines. "It's common knowledge around here actu…al…ly…" she trailed off as she noticed how quiet things had gotten before spinning around and scowling at our accusatory _looks._ "Alright, in my defense, I have absolutely _no_ reason to keep track of Water 7's tsunami schedule! Even if I had remembered it before now, how could I have _possibly_ known that we would be arriving at the one time of the year that it would hit?"

"I'm sorry, have you even _seen_ this crew!?" Su scoffed in disbelief.

Vivi opened her mouth to protest, and then shut it with a hiss of frustration.

"Well, either way, I suggest you kids rent a bunker for your ship sometime soon and then get some rooms on the upper level!" The fisherman indicated the higher parts of the city. "Be careful, or else the sea might swallow you whole!"

"We will, thanks!" Luffy waved gratefully as we sailed off.

A few minutes later, we were anchored off the coast of the cape he'd pointed out, and in the process of removing the bags of solid gold from storage, as well as the solid mass that we'd cut up and reforged throughout the ship. Usopp and Boss were in the process of forging the wealth into a rather hefty pile of ingots, while Nami ran calculations and the rest of us relaxed and waited for her final tally. We were all wiling away the time in our own way: Robin was reading, Conis was cleaning the arsenal she was sporting with Su's nimble help, and Chopper was messing around with a chemistry set with only a few mad mutters here and there.

Finally, Nami looked up from her books and glanced at me over the brim of the glasses that I was _certain_ she didn't need. "Alright. Cross, the biggest thing for me to consider right now: how much is the new ship going to cost?"

I grimaced at both the answer I was going to give and the reminder of our circumstances, but my voice was firm. "The thing that set the Oro Jackson apart is that it was built out of the strongest wood in the world, the wood of the immortal Jewel Tree Adam. The stuff is outlawed now because of the fact that ships made from it are all but unkillable, but if you've got enough money like we do, and the right contacts in the black market—"

"Like I'm guessing Franky does?" Donny guessed.

I snapped my fingers and pointed at the dugong before continuing. "—then you can find some of it for sale. Of course…" I swallowed as I built up my nerve. "As you can imagine, the illicit and valuable nature of the good makes it quite… expensive."

Nami was silent for a moment before folding her hands on the table, her eyes firmly shut. "… How much?"

I flinched back nervously. "… He used ฿200 million originally, but considering the size of our crew and how much gold we have available… I'd say we let him run with 500 and see what he comes back with?"

In an instant, everyone near me jerked away as though they were waiting for me to be struck by a meteor… or _lightning_. I couldn't blame them, seeing as I myself had thrown my arms up in defense.

However… Nami didn't react. Rather, she just _stared_ at me over the brim of her glasses, not moving, not twitching, maybe not even _breathing._ Finally, however, she slowly slid her glasses off, clicked them shut, and pinched the bridge of her nose with a weary sigh. "Let me be perfectly clear here, Cross: you are so _very_ lucky that we're far enough beyond any normal definition of rich that that amount of money barely makes a dent in our finances. Or else…"

"Got it, got it, never again without damn good reason, I swear…" I waved my hands placatingly before allowing myself a sigh of relief as she turned her attention back to the books.

"Alright, listen up," Nami ordered casually. "My initial estimate back on Skypiea was at least ฿2 billion. But after becoming more intimately familiar with our hoard—"

"Unhealthily so," Robin muttered with a slight twitch to her eye.

"—I've found that, even if the SBS hasn't increased the value of this particular gold through fame or infamy alone, we have approximately 50% more than I expected. After taking out ฿500 million for the new ship, and another 500 million to prove to Iceburg that we can deal, we're left with ฿2 billion. And as we… _agreed_ on Skypiea, a full billion of that goes to the crew as a whole."

Grins all around.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Nami groused as she shuffled her papers. "Now, while that means we can definitely afford some luxuries, we can't go overboard if we don't want to get back to the point where we barely have enough for Sanji's shopping list. So, the funds appropriated for this island are as follows. Chopper, Boss, you get five and a half million for your requests."

"Thanks, Nami!" Chopper said eagerly, while Boss merely pumped his fist.

"Conis, three million for your wardrobe."

"Thank you very much, Nami!" Conis smiled in glee.

"Sanji, ten million for food. Three million for Luffy, seven million for the rest of us."

"Ah, my thanks my most wonderful Nami-swan! I can finally shop without worrying too much about Luffy's stomach!" Sanji swooned happily, before shooting a glare at our obliviously grinning Captain. "At least until he gets his teeth on our meat, anyway. We're getting a lock on the fridge, right?"

"World-class, don't worry."

"Awww!"/"There is a god, and he is _just!"_

"And unless there are any more special requests, everyone else gets two million for spending money," Nami concluded, scanning over the group with a look that just _dared_ anyone to speak up. Nobody did, either too cowed or too happy. "Alright. Obviously, most of that will have to wait until we've cashed in this gold, so for now, we split into three groups. Zoro, you stay here to guard the ship for now."

"Can do," Zoro saluted lazily as he leaned back and promptly fell asleep.

Nami rolled her eyes before nodding at me. "Sanji, Chopper, Robin, you'll take the cash that we have onboard now and get started with the necessary shopping. Everyone else is with me to trade in the gold, then we'll split up to meet with Iceburg and Franky."

"I'll be leading the latter group. Boss, I'll need you to come with me, you and Franky will get on like a house on fire the second you meet," I cut in.

"Oh?" The dugong master cocked a curious eyebrow. "How so?"

"You have…" I hesitated as I looked for the right word. "Similar attitudes."

_That_ got a massive grin out of Boss. "Color me… _interested."_

"Right…" I trailed off uncomfortably as I contemplated what the _hell_ I had set in motion before moving on. "Alright, besides that… Vivi, I may need your negotiating expertise in case he asks for more, and Conis… well." I gestured at the pile of wealth shining on the deck. "We're gonna be carrying around our weight in gold. Any objections to acting as our muscle?"

Our gunner nodded with a determined smile. "I won't let you down, I swear!"

"Alright, then!" Usopp suddenly crowed, leaping to his feet and pumping his fist in the air. "So it's settled! As of this moment, Operation 'Payday' is underway! Yeah!"

"YEAH!" the rest of us, even Nami and Robin—though she didn't cheer—pumped our fists in the air along with him. We revelled in the joy of the moment—!

_Pssshhh…_

Before a chemical hiss drew attention to the suddenly bubbling chemical set lying at Chopper's feet.

The human-reindeer's pupils dilated as he took in the way the liquids were swapping color. "Uh-oh."

"' _Uh-oh'!?"_ Soundbite squawked. " **What's 'uh—'!?"**

_KER-SPLAT!_

I stood _veeery_ still as I processed what had just happened. Then, _veeery_ slowly, I moved my hand up to my face and wiped off the poly-chromatic ooze that was covering my eyes, along with my… _everything._ A quick glance around at the rest of my crewmates revealed that they were all in much the same state.

"Before anyone can panic or say anything!" Chopper piped up hastily. "I promise you that this stuff is _completely_ benign. And I'm fairly certain that it doesn't hurt paper either, so Nami, Robin, _please_ don't skin me alive."

"We will take that into consideration, Mister Emergency Supplies," Robin droned frigidly.

"Right…" I trailed off uncomfortably before clearing my throat. "Alright, slight change of plans: first we change and get cleaned up, _then_ we head out and begin the operation. All in favor?"

"Aye."

"Then we are agreed."

As most of the crew began filing inside and the dugongs jumped overboard, I took the opportunity to grab Chopper and pull him to the side, specifically out of Robin's line of sight. "I need to talk to you," I informed the diminutive doctor.

"Come on, Cross, I already said it was an accident and that I was sorry, isn't that enough!?" Chopper whined. "If this is about your clothes—!"

"This isn't even remotely about that," I cut him off, and my tone of voice immediately sobered the Zoan.

"What's wrong?" he asked, even having the good grace to lower his voice.

I glanced again in the direction Robin had gone to confirm she was gone before speaking. "When you go out shopping, I need you to stick to Robin like glue. Don't let her leave your sight, don't let her go anywhere alone, tag her with a scent marker if you have to, I don't care. Just make sure that you are _completely_ aware of her at all times. Got it?"

Chopper frowned uncomfortably as he took in what I was saying. "Somebody's going to try and hurt Robin, aren't they?"

I grimaced and shook my head. "Honestly, that's a secondary priority. Right now, I'm more concerned with stopping Robin from hurting _herself."_

"What!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief. "B-But Robin said that she _trusted_ us! Don't you trust her!?"

"I do, I do!" I hastily reassured him, only to grimace and wave my hand side to side. "To an extent, anyway. There are only two… three things in the world that are infinite, Chopper." I started counting down on my fingers. "The universe, Luffy's appetite… and human stupidity."

"Robin is one of the smartest people I know!" the Zoan protested incredulously.

"Up here, yes!" I said, tapping the side of my head. "But there are two kinds of stupidity in the world, Chopper. The stupidity up here…" I moved my finger down to tap my chest. "And the stupidity down _here._ And you know the lengths to which that kind of stupid can push us to, don't you."

Chopper winced as his hoof shot to his banded horn. "Low blow, Cross…" he growled before sighing in defeat. "But… I see your point. I'll be careful."

"Great. Oh, and Chopper!" I stopped him as he started to walk away. "Just… look, Robin's been doing this for years, and the people we're up against are professionals who were _trained_ to do this their whole lives—!"

"What are you trying to say, Cross?"

I was uncomfortably silent for a second before hanging my head with a sigh. "If anything goes wrong… I want you to know that it's not your fault and we don't blame you."

Chopper silently stared at me for a few seconds before turning to face me completely. "I know that I don't really look like it, Cross, but I'm _not_ a little kid. I won't break down over every little mistake I make all the time," he explained in a calm and mature tone. Then he smiled lightly. "But… thanks."

I returned his smile. "Anytime."

**-o-**

"Ergh…" I groaned as I peeled my shirt off and held it at arm's length. "This stuff might not be chemically toxic, but it sure as heck smells and _feels_ it."

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

"Want me to immolate that for you?" Lassoo requested, whining as he clamped his paws over his nose.

I tsk'ed and shook my head as I tossed the ruined article of clothing away. "Oh, how I wish, but the potential for flammability is too high for me to risk it. Once we're done here, this all goes overboard. For now, though…" I turned and started rummaging through the clothes I'd brought with me into the kitchen. "Let's see what's good for today…"

In the end, I settled for simplicity: plain blue cargo jeans and a white t-shirt, covered by a white hoodie with the outline of a blue lobster stenciled onto the front, claws pointed upward. Aside from my differently colored hat and headphones and, well, my armor, of course. And if we're being honest, that was actually nothing special for the Grand Line.

"How do I look?" I said as I spread my arms out and turned around to give them an eyeful.

"Honestly? Compared to what you usually wear, you look pretty bland," Lassoo deadpanned.

" **SECONDED!** _ **Too**_ _plain!"_ Soundbite concurred.

"That's the _point,"_ I retorted, crossing my arms with a huff. "In case you missed it, there are a lot of people in the World Government who want me shut up forever, and this town just so happens to be a hop, step and a train ride away from their doorstep. If I catch the wrong person's eye here, I'll disappear into the shadows."

Soundbite promptly paled, while Lassoo scoffed…

"And seeing as _you'll_ be latched onto my back when they grab me, you'll come along for the ride!"

And then winced and scratched the back of his head. "Point taken, sorry."

"Right. Now—"

I was cut off by a rapping noise coming from the kitchen's door.

"Excuse me, Cross, could I get your opinion on something?"

I blinked in surprise as what was unmistakably Robin's voice emitted from the other side of the door. "Huh? On what?" I called out.

"Oh, just my choice of attire is all," she informed me. "I'd ask the girls, but I'd rather a male's perspective, and you're the most well-adjusted member of the crew. Would you mind?"

I shot a flat look at Soundbite. "Why did that 'well-adjusted' sound more like 'average'?"

" **Are ya really** _ **gonna protest**_ _WHAT YA KNOW_ TO BE TRUE?" he shot back.

I nodded, silently acknowledging the point, and turned to address Robin through the door. "Yeah, sure thing, come in."

The door swung open… aaaaaand I severely regretted my decision.

An ironic statement to make when the cause is a beautiful woman wearing only a too-thin t-shirt and frilly black panties walking through the door, no?

Soundbite was left speechless for once as his jaw struck the table, while Lassoo snickered into his paw. "Well, I've certainly missed seeing you pull _this_ trick," he guffawed.

My eye twitched slightly as I looked her up and down before finally forcing the words out. "I am… _severely_ conflicted."

Robin's eyebrow cocked in amused curiosity. "Oh? Are you saying that you're disappointed? You don't like what you see?"

I ground my teeth as I dug my nails into my upper arms. "The very opposite is one half of that conflict. On the other hand… I thought that you were done trying to kill me, Robin."

_That_ made the archaeologist blink in surprise. "Oh? And how would this lead to that?"

I gestured flatly at my neck. "Because my flesh and bone are weak, whereas Sanji's feet are capable of _denting iron."_

Robin chuckled softly. "Be serious, Cross, Sanji wouldn't really… ah…" She trailed off as she caught sight of my paper-flat look. The statement hung unfinished in the air until she coughed in her fist and a hand appeared from the wall to close the door behind her. "Right, my apologies, I didn't quite think that through."

"And you have all of five seconds to explain just what 'that' was before I decide that this little incident is enough to justify _doubling_ the payback that you've already built up," I growled, not taking my eyes off of her. Robin, for her part, only chuckled. "Oh, you don't get to laugh at me. Take a minute to remember exactly what I'm capable of, let alone my partner."

" **MUHUHAHAHAHA!"** Soundbite provided.

Robin's demeanor faltered slightly before she regained her cool, and her smile became more sincere. "Very well, but if I may rationalize my behavior: my life might have been a bit jilted, but I do believe older siblings embarrassing the life out of their younger ones is typical, no?"

I… honestly kind of froze as I processed that statement, a hurricane of emotions whirling in my head. Still, I was able to recover enough to cover my shock with a careless scoff. "Yeah, well, newsflash: this kind of juvenility is more typical of the _younger_. Now, you were saying?"

Robin chuckled and held her arm behind herself, accepting a bundle from an autonomous arm that pushed the door open slightly. "I _was_ serious when I said I wanted your opinion on my attire. Here, take a look." She unrolled the bundle, displaying the outfit she was apparently planning to wear on the island.

The very, _very_ form-fitting outfit she was planning on wearing.

I gave the one-piece a once-over before gracing Robin with a flat look. "Well, it certainly says _something_ to me _,_ though considering how the language of leather is one of few words, I don't think you wanna know what that 'something' is."

And it wasn't just the leather that made me say that. Honestly, I couldn't be surprised at what I saw considering how I'd been half _expecting_ it, but still… a white, polka-dotted slip, a black leather dress with long sleeves, and black leather boots that reached to halfway up her thighs, leaving just about nothing to the imagination and sending a very… _specific_ message. No doubt about it, it was _definitely_ the same outfit she wore while she was held prisoner in Enies Lobby and, now that I thought about it, the one that she wore while still on Water 7 proper.

"So, that's your honest opinion, is it?" Robin asked casually.

"And I would lie _why?"_ I scoffed.

"Perfect," Robin purred, several arms sprouting to help her put the outfit o— _ah, damn_.

I promptly turned to the side and held my hand to my face with a grimace. "You fight _dirty,_ witch. You hear me? _Dirty._ And _don't_ say—"

"Pi~ra~te," she crooned.

"…that," I grumbled with a roll of my eyes.

Soundbite, meanwhile, had an entirely different opinion to share. " _ **HUBBA HUBBA!**_ NOW THAT'S _what I call_ _ **a nice—ACK!"**_ He was cut off by two hands grabbing his eyestalks and effectively blinding him. "SPOILSPORT! _YOU WOULDN'T_ _ **do this to**_ **CROSS and you're** _ **NOT DOING IT TO**_ _LASSOO!"_

"I'm smart enough not to look," the dog-gun huffed as he covered his eyes with his foreleg.

"And Cross wouldn't blare it all out over the ship," Robin added.

"… **fair enough."**

I grumbled and tapped my foot impatiently as I waited for her to finish up. Come on, that thing was slim, but no way in hell was it _that_ hard to put on! "Seriously, though, I understand why you were wearing clothes like this back when you worked for Baroque Works, but what's your motivation now?"

"Heh. Isn't it obvious, Cross?" I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. "Not all men are as strong-willed as you are. I predict many a lowered price thanks to this particular outfit."

I glanced upward with a tortured groan. "My kingdom for a few appropriate Bible verses that I could mutter about now…"

" **Would you prefer** _Deuteronomy,_ LEVITICUS **OR GENESIS?"**

My eye twitched slightly as the words 'fire', 'brimstone', and 'Sodom and Gomorrah' flashed through my head before casting a glare down at Soundbite. "Learn to recognize sarcasm, slimestain."

" _Only_ _ **SU**_ **can call me THAT!** _ **You may address me as**_ THE ANNOYING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. _And YOU_ _ **need to**_ _learn to recognize_ **SNARK!** "

"Ever hear of a little thing called _timing,_ you—?"

"Break it up before I bite you both," Lassoo ordered in a bored tone.

Soundbite and I gave one last snarl at each other before falling silent.

We were then joined by an airy chuckle coming from my generated blindspot. "Amusing as always you two. And for the record, I'm almost done. Would you mind zipping me up, Cross?"

I stared dead ahead with as I popped up my other hand's middle finger. "You are the _last_ person I want to hear that line from."

"Can't blame a girl for trying." Once again, I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. I sighed in relief as the sound of a zipper… well, _zipping_ sounded out. "I'm decent now, so hopefully I won't offend your _fragile_ sensibilities. Now, your opinion, if you wouldn't mind?"

Grinding my teeth and fists, I turned back towards her. I _thought_ that I was ready, but honestly, only the fact that she was smiling kept me from immediately flashing to her standing on the Tower of Justice, screaming that she wanted to die. I searched around for something matter-of-fact to remark on, anything to keep me from spilling right here and right now—and suddenly, a perfectly innocuous remark came to mind that, thinking about it, I was genuinely curious about.

"Huh, not bad," I whistled. "Just one question, if you don't mind."

"Oh?" Robin put her hand on her hip and cocked it out slightly. "And what would that be?"

"Well, what happened to your hats?"

… _Wow,_ that made her freeze almost as bad as Ohara. "Ah…"

"You know, your cowboy hats?" I forged on in an effort to break the tension, gesturing at my own cap. "You wore one when we first met you, all through Alabasta, even on most of Skypiea. Why'd you lose them? I actually thought they looked pretty cool on you."

Robin remained stock still for a moment before turning away and coughing into her fist. "I… I wore those hats because I needed them. And now… I don't."

I frowned in confusion as I tried to puzzle out the deeper meaning that was _clearly_ present in her words. "…What, for blocking out the sunlight or something?" My frown deepened as she merely shook her head. Just what was she talking abou—? I froze as I caught sight of the fact that her grip on her upper arms was white-knuckled and shaking vigorously. Was it something from her past? I thought hard about Ohara, but none of the scholars had anything to do with it, and the only other person she was close to was—

Ah. Well, I'm as thick as a dictionary, aren't I?

Moving _very_ carefully, I stepped up behind Robin and landed a hand on her shoulder, wincing in response to her own reaction. "You know…" I started softly. "You don't just _have_ to wear them when you need to be strong, you know? It's… It's alright to wear them because they remind you of him."

Several emotions flashed across Robin's face. She promptly shot her thumb to her mouth and started gnawing on the nail. "I-It's a strategic inconvenience. T-Too much chance of it getting caught o-or obscuring vision or—"

Right, the bullshit train comes to a halt _now._ I grabbed her shoulders and spun her around so that she was facing me dead on. "Robin," I enunciated, both kindly and firmly. "Jaguar D. Saul would be _overjoyed_ to see you wearing that and we _both_ know it."

I severely regretted my words at first when Robin's entire body promptly locked up, her eyes indicating that she was somewhere far from the Merry.

Seconds later, however, she was back, and after another round of emotions crossed over her face, she finally settled on a calm, almost serene smile.

"Thank you, Cross," she whispered. "It's not often that I act like a fool and… and I appreciate you pointing out this instance of it. Now, if you'll excuse me-" She extricated herself from my grip and started to walk towards the door. "I need to go and see if my wardrobe has anything that doesn't clash with my current selection."

I was prepared to let her go, just like that, when a pang of uncertainty struck me dead on. "Ah, Robin—!" I stepped forward, my hand raised, but I froze when she turned back to me with a curious expression.

"Yes, Cross?" she asked.

My jaw hung open as I searched for something, _anything_ I could say to her… and in the end, I was forced to settle for coughing slightly as I straightened up. "You… You know we'd go to the mats for you…" I eyed her hesitantly. "Right?"

Robin blinked at me in confusion as she processed my statement. And then, then she smiled.

A real smile, an honest smile, a smile of belief and hope that shone throughout her, even in her eyes.

"Of course I do."

I didn't even hesitate to smile back.

**-o-**

"Demons…" I hissed grimly. "They're _demons…"_

" _ **In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti!"**_ Soundbite whimpered from within his shell, babbling Latin on and on in a half-demented tone.

The 'they' in question were Vivi and Nami, who were currently preening victoriously as they watched the employees of the Water 7 Gold Exchange bring out tray after tray of freshly liberated bills and stacked them cleanly and professionally in well-armored suitcases.

"Aye," agreed a scruffy, bearded pirate captain who was watching the display next to me. "I been sailin' these seas for well-nigh twenty years, and I've never seen the like."

The 'like' in this case had been the jaw-dropping display of two of our female crewmates positively _browbeating_ the Exchange staff into giving us way more than fair compensation for the gold we'd acquired for them.

"Ta-da!" Nami purred as she hugged one of the filled suitcases. "3 _and a half_ billion beris! Oooh, it's almost a shame that we have to spend it! Good job, Vivi! I think I'd kiss you if you weren't ready to punch me if I tried!"

"Oh, I can't take all the credit," Vivi primly replied as she patted one of the cases. "You were quite terrifying in there, after all, I was mostly just coasting off of the pure rage you were pumping out!"

"Oh, but your negotiating skills are _so_ far above mine; a humble thief like me can't compare to a true _royal,"_ Nami shamelessly proclaimed.

"Okay, I'm stopping this before it gets any further and you two _actually_ start making out," I interjected, shaking off the last of my terror. "Let's get this all loaded up and ready to go, guys." There was no answer, and I turned around. "Guys?"

I honestly should have expected this: Boss was staring at the two girls, quivering in either fear or excitement, possibly both, though the rest of the squad were quivering behind him in what was most _definitely_ terror. Conis and Su had scrambled against a wall, trying to get as far away as possible, and the cloud fox had procured a rosary from… somewhere and was holding it out towards them, while Usopp mimicked her with a crucifix. And Carue and Luffy…

"What?" the duck asked, turning around from where he'd been kicking a ball with some kids. "Oh! Awe we done yet?"

"I hope so!" Luffy whined with a pout. "I wanna _gooo!"_

"Okay, the moron I get, but you're _that_ used to it?" I deadpanned.

"Aftah wiving wit' her foah yeahs? You bettah bewieve i—!"

_FWEEEEEET!_

"AGH!" We all reeled in agony as Nami _somehow_ managed to produce a hellish whistle worthy of Luffy himself.

"Alright, you idiots, listen up!" Nami barked as she patted one of the briefcases she and Vivi were flanking. "The division is ฿700 million in bills and the rest in validated ingots. The ingots are for wealth and show, and the bills are for spending. For the matter of this endeavor, both teams will be carrying two briefcases with them! The first!" She patted a very large and metal briefcase, three-feet by one-foot by two in area. "Contains ฿400 million in ingots, good to show off just how much wealth we have on us. Luffy, Boss, if you'd pick these up, please?"

The captain and the Dugong promptly walked up and grabbed the briefcases' handles—

_CL-CLICK!_

"GAH!"/"WHAT THE—!?"

And reeled in shock when Nami slapped cuffs on them.

"Safety measures," the navigator explained as she latched the other sides of the cuffs to the briefcases. "Because like it or not, you two are morons and not to be trusted."

"Ooooh, cool!" Luffy chuckled as he let the metal case swing from his arm like a pendulum.

Boss, meanwhile, rolled his eyes as he heaved the case onto his back with ease. "Whatever lets you sleep at night, missy."

"And the second," Nami continued, patting a much more normal-looking briefcase. "Contains ฿100 million in bills, to be used for immediate payment. Now then, considering your survival instincts… Cross?"

"Yeah, yeah," I said tiredly, extending my own arm. She clicked the cuff around my gauntlet and one of the briefcases, while cuffing the other to herself.

I tested the weight briefly. Heavyish, sure. Not light by any measure, but at least it wasn't _too_ much of an inconvenience.

Nami then proceeded to direct our attention to the other five pairs of cases. "Now, as for the rest of this gold, it goes back to the Merry for now, to be stored and divided up. And considering that the fastest and most secure way back is through the water… GUARDS!"

The TDWS abruptly straightened and saluted. "YES MA'AM!" they barked in unison.

"Take the cases and swim back to the Merry. Load it onboard and then resume your responsibilities guarding the ship. And if you lose _any_ of the gold along the way…"

Within moments, the cases were gone and only trails of bubbles indicated where the dugongs had vanished to as well.

Nami sniffed primly. "You've trained them well, Boss."

"Thank 'ye kindly," the dugong tipped his cigar with a smirk.

"Right. Now, then, let's saddle up and get going!" I declared as I hopped into the boat Lassoo was snoozing in.

"Right," Vivi nodded as she and Carue settled into their own vessel, while Conis took the third. "And remind me again what you call those accents?

"So, ya guys all ready to go?" the bull who was towing me and mine asked eagerly. "Just tell ol' Two-Fin Joey where ya wanna go and we'll getcha before you can say 'Galley-La?"

"Brooklyn," I grit out from behind the hand I had pressed to my face. "It's racist-as-shit _Brooklyn."_

"BE GLAD THAT THEY'RE _**amphibious enough that I can do anything AT ALL!**_ ' **Sides, they're a species** _of cabbies, WOULD YOU RATHER I'D USED_ **UNIDENTIFIABLE MIDDLE-EASTERN ETHNICITIES!?"**

"Grgrgggghrghhhh…"

"Ey, oh, relax, my friend, relax!" Joey chuckled casually. "As it is, we guys are just happy to be able to talk at all, along with the rest a' da bulls near yah little friend here! It's mighty convenient for business, it is!"

" **Heh, I do** _ **what I can!"**_

"Yeah? Well, what you 'can' just got youse and yours some very powerful friends!" The bull's grin widened by several teeth. "Congratulations, you've got friends in the Union!"

I cocked an eyebrow curiously at the comment before shrugging it off, deciding to puzzle it out later. "Sounds great. I'd be a bit chattier usually, but right now, we're a bit pressed for time. Mind stepping on it so as to head for the quickest way to Franky House?"

"Ya mean Big Boss Gom an' Sod's home? No prob!" Joey nodded confidently as he turned his head back around. "Youse'll be there before ya know it!"

"Great!" I nodded thankfully before waving over my shoulder at the rest of our crewmates. "Good luck, guys!"

"You too!" Luffy waved back.

And with that, we were off, our Yagaras tugging us down water-logged street after water-logged street. I took the time to enjoy the truly exquisite scenery as we went, but in the process I noticed the tension present in my crewmates, who were constantly looking around for danger.

"Come on, guys, relax a little, will you?" I prompted with a chuckle. "Sure, we've got a lot of cash on us, but we've also got some damn good firepower on our side too. Currently nothing's gunning for us, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride, no? Observe!"

Deciding to lead by example, I leaned back as we approached a rounded a corner and started to approach a bridge, utilizing my briefcase as a makeshift pillow. It was almost like a lazy river, it was so relaxing. Ah, what a beautiful day.

The sun was shining…

Seagulls were cawing…

Clouds were drifting…

Miss Friday was eating water-water meat on the railing of that upcoming bridge…

…

Waaaaaaaaait a second.

I snapped up into a sitting position just as our bulls were entering the bridge's underpass and confirmed that _yes_ , there was a buzzard perched on the structure's railing. She was clad in a pristine three-piece suit, a fedora and sunglasses and was serenely tearing away at a shank of meat she had in her talon. Not once did her reflective gaze leave my own until the bridge broke our line of sight.

"Sooooundbiiiiite?" I began in a _very_ deliberately calm voice as I twisted my neck to watch behind us.

**"One bird in a CITY, GOOD LUCK DIFFERENTIATING!"** Soundbite squawked fearfully, having noticed the exact same issue.

"Cross, what's wrong?" Vivi asked in concern.

"Miss Friday just saw us into a killbox…" Lassoo growled, grinding his paws into his muzzle.

" _It's THE UNLUCKIES_ _ **THREE,**_ **The Revengening!"** Soundbite snarled.

Vivi promptly paled in terror. " _Shit."_

"Precisely," I nodded grimly.

"The 'Unluckies'?" Conis asked in confusion.

"What's that, some kind of a wannabe rock group?" Su snarked.

"I wish," I snarled aggravatedly before snapping my fingers. "Joey, guys, fullstop, stay under the bridge."

The yagara twisted his head around to look at me in confusion as he and his friends complied. "What's up, bub? You'se know dat wrinkly featha'd thing?"

"You could say that," I growled irritably as I eyed the mouths of the bridge uncomfortably. Damn it, I needed to think… "Mr. 13 is an otter and Miss Friday is a vulture, and both are professional assassins. Soundbite and I managed to spark a vendetta a while back, and it appears that they're being more diligent than I thought in their efforts to kill the two of us before they retire. They're trained with guns and knives and they're no pushovers physically either; get in their way, and you're likely to wind up either maimed or dead. Any questions?"

"Yeah, just one," Lassoo raised his paw with a flat look.

"What?"

"We saw Miss Friday waiting for us outside… so where's Mr. 13?"

I tensed as I realized what he was saying. "Ah… that's…"

Soundbite blinked in surprise before whipping his eyestalks around curiously. " **Hey, yeah,** _that's right! WHERE IS THE DAMN WATER—!"_

Soundbite choked off in horror, and we _slowly_ turned our gazes to look at each other, before _sloooowly_ looking downwards.

A moment of silence.

Then…

" _ **MERDA!"**_

I instantly snapped to the front of the boat and slapped my hand on Joey's back. "DEATH FROM BELOW, GOGOGO!"

It was a testament to the bull's experience that he didn't even question me, instead complying without hesitation and snapping from zero to sixty in half a second.

_SPLASH!_

Considering how Mr. 13, clad in his own somehow-pristine suit and fedora, suddenly _exploded_ out of the water we'd been floating over a moment earlier, a spinning, rabid flurry of blades and violence that would have doubtlessly eviscerated us in seconds? He wasn't a second too slow.

Sadly, seeing as 13 started tearing after us a moment later when he made contact with the water, ripping through the surface as though it were paper? His reflexes weren't rusty either.

"CROSS!" Vivi called after us in concern.

"STICK TO THE PLAN!" I shouted back. "I'LL DRAW THEM OFF, YOU JUST KEEP GOING! I'LL SEE YOU AT FRANKY HOUSE!"

Within moments we were at the mouth of the overpass—

Where Friday suddenly swooped into view, wings flared and underslung machine guns trained on us.

Without missing a beat I jabbed my finger at her with a snarl. "CANI-BLAST!"

Lassoo dropped his jaw open and _roared,_ sending a pillar of blazing air at the bird.

He missed, of course, on account of the vulture flapping her wings and nimbly dodging out of the way of the blast, but he at _least_ managed to give us a long enough reprieve that Joey was able to hang a hard right and tear down a water-filled alleyway.

As we our mount churned up the water in an effort to escape, I took the time to glance back at our pursuers.

Miss Friday above, flapping after us and training her guns on us in hopes of squeezing off a shot, while Mr. 13 pursued below, ripping through the water at speeds equivalent to a cheetah.

Really, there was only one way to define this situation.

"Gentlemen," I announced grimly. "The hunt is on."

**Patient AN: May it be that ye are wiser now, lest we surprise you again with something so very… farfetched, as the idea that we would ever make a normal chapter less than ten thousand words.**

**Xomniac AN: Also, just FYI, CV had to check out before he could run a total final check, so forgive any errors you see, we'll release an updated version once he's had his time.**

**Cross-Brain AN: And for those of you who are complaining about Omatsuri not being canon, we present a compromise in the form of the following epilogue omake:**

Before she held out the papers in her hand, Kokoro paused thoughtfully and then spoke again. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask, and now that you're not all depressed about your ship…" She trailed off, clearly thinking over what she was going to say. "How are you holding up after Omatsuri?"

"What's Omatsuri?"

Kokoro turned to stare at Luffy. "You know, the island you just visited?"

"Wait, really?" Luffy said, tilting his head to the side. "I thought it was called Ling Ling Rong Island or something like that."

"That's Long Ring Long Island, Luffy," Nami reflexively corrected.

"Yeah, that!"

Kokoro blinked, still staring at Luffy. "You're saying you didn't go to Omatsuri Island?"

"Yeah!" Luffy replied, before tilting his head to the side. "Wait, what's Omatsuri Island again?"

"The one you just visited!"

"I don't remember that island," Luffy said. "What did we do on it, again? Because I don't remember that island."

"Yes, you said that already!" Kokoro snapped, her annoyance clearly growing.

"Captain," I interjected. As amusing as it was watching this, we did have a tight appointment to make. "Do you ever get nightmares?"

"What are those?"

"Well, that answers that," I said smugly. "I don't know why we all had the same nightmare a few days ago, but I'm gonna blame it on Grand Line weirdness and call it a day."

Kokoro looked around at the Straw Hats as realization swept over her. "You… You're denying that _anything_ happened to you. Do you _actually_ think that that'll work!?"

We all glanced at one another before giving her a confused look. "Do we think what will work?"

Kokoro silently worked her jaw for several seconds. Ultimately, though, she just threw her hands up in exasperation. "Fine! A nightmare! Believe what you want!"


	7. Chapter 7

### Chapter 40: Chapter 37: A Foreseen Betrayal! Robin Sets Aside Everything For Friendship!

### Chapter Text

**Cross-Brain AN: A quick Shout Out to our rival, DuncanIdaho2014, before we get all of this started, along with a massive congratulations:** _**New Game Plus** _ **has surpassed** _**Once Again** _ **in Favorites, meaning that it is officially the second most popular One Piece fic in the fandom! You deserve no less, Duncan.**

**Xomniac AN: Watch your back, rat-bastard, we're climbing fast and we'll be butting heads on equal ground soon enough!**

**Patient AN: Oh, come now, don't let our congratulations be obscured by your ego, Ego.**

**Xomniac AN: Har har, never heard** _ **that one**_ **before.**

"SOUNDBITE, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT WITH THE ORCHESTRA?!" I snapped as I clung to the side of the vessel for dear life, on account of Joey speeding along the canals of Water 7 way faster than what was probably legal. The reason for my ire was that Soundbite had decided on a very upbeat brass and string instrumental for chase music.

" **NO WAY!** _ **THOSE OUTFITS—WAGH!—**_ _MAKE IT_ PERFECT!" the snail snapped back, clinging onto my jacket with all the strength his jaws could muster as a bullet grazed his shell.

"Yeah, well, word to the—WISE!" I held up one of my gauntlets to block another bullet. "—the Blues Brothers never went on the offensive! And besides that, I _seriously_ doubt that these bastards have even heard of them!" I griped before blinking as a thought hit me. "Actually, on that note, why _are_ they dressed like—THAT?"

"Looks ta' me like they're impersonatin' Worl' Gummint' officials!" Joey offered, turning his head to look over his shoulders, showing no visible worry at seeing me fending off bullets or any problems navigating the canals. "People do it all the—TIME!" He took a sharp left that resulted in the Unluckies momentarily heading the wrong way. "—when trying to kill one another, keeps bystanders from interferin'!"

" _ **Seriously?"**_ Soundbite asked in confusion. "HOW THE HECK _does that work!?"_

"Sheer reputation," Lassoo growled as he glared daggers at the pursuing animals. "In any other clothing, _someone_ would try to help us, or at least stop the gun-toting maniacs, but so long as they're wearing suits—" He paused long enough to spit a Cani-Slick in the water and another Cani-Blast at the sky, neither of which helped with how fast the damn pests were moving. "—nobody even blinks twice! It's a common assassin's tactic. After all, who in their right minds would be stupid enough to interfere with World Government business?" He filled his jaws with the tar of Cani-Plaster before firing out a ball of the stuff along with a blaze of Cani-Palm, sending a very potent fireball at 13. That done, he huffed and turned around with a roll of his eyes. "Excluding present company, of course."

"Yeah, well— _gnn!"_ I cut myself off with a bit-out grunt as I ducked under a bullet that had come _way_ too close to giving me a third eye. Behind me, 13 shot out of the water and flipped through the air over Lassoo's fireball before pulling off an Olympic level swan dive back into the canal.

It was at that point that my temper flared a bit, and I slowly climbed to my feet, precariously balancing myself in the shaky vessel. "Alright, that's it. I hate a lot of things in life, but right now, there are _three_ in particular that I _really_ despise." I took a shaky step towards the back of the boat. "I hate the World Government." I shot my other foot up so that it was firmly planted on the rear wall of the vessel. "I hate Illinois Nazis, and most of all?"

I snapped my hand to the side with my grip open, a grip that Lassoo promptly filled by leaping up and swapping to his gun-form. I balanced the dog-gun on my shoulder and took aim, although the suitcase of cash hanging off my wrist put me a bit off-balance. "I fucking _hate_ furry jackass bastards _who can't get a fucking CLUE! CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!"_

The shaky nature of my footing very nearly resulted in me being knocked clean on my ass by Lassoo's recoil as he belted out a full salvo of his signature projectiles, but I powered through it and attempted to direct the projectiles so that they would take out at least _one_ of our pursuers.

Sadly, however, our efforts were rendered all for naught when 13 suddenly blasted out of the water, got his footing on a windowsill, and then leapt up to grab Friday's talons. The buzzard in turn flared her wings out so as to both kill her speed _and_ climb high into the air, falling out of range of the explosions in a matter of moments.

I clicked my tongue in annoyance as I watched them fall back. "Well, that's inconvenient."

Lassoo snorted derisively as he shifted back into his hybrid mode on my shoulder. "Those two might be creeps, but they were high in the Baroque Works foodchain for a damn good reason."

"Yeh, well, they're gone now!" Joey shrugged as he slowed his pace and turned out into a larger, more crowded mainstream canal. A few of the civilians milling about recoiled fearfully and gave me a wide berth at the sight of the cannon I was toting, but other than that everyone acted as though it were business as usual. "So, youse ready to head back towads Franky House then?"

I started to reply before pausing as a thought struck me. "Actually… yeah, now that I think about it, Franky should be able to handle them, heading to the House _would_ probably be for the best…" I grimaced as I started scanning the skies. "But don't think for a _second_ that these bastards are done yet. A few measly explosions aren't going to drive them off."

Joey snickered as he swerved through the canal's traffic, up one of the river-ramps and onto the rooftop routes. "Yeh, well, even if they do come back, it won't matter much. After all, in case you didn' notice, Water 7's half pirate town! Sure, sure, the Galley-La boys help keep the peace and so do tha Franky Family, to an extent, but there'll always be dat theya undahbelly! We yagaras're considah'd rookies until we get inta at _least_ one high-speed chase! We're pretty jaded when it comes tah violence."

_SMASH! SPA-LASH!_

Friday chose that time to suddenly dive-buzz us, dropping Mr. 13 onto a passing Yagara in the process.

With a _ridiculously_ minimal amount of effort, Mr. 13 dislodged the Bull's former passengers into the water and then snapped a pistol—a revolver, to be specific—to the back of the Yagara's head. He then proceeded to jab the other revolver he was clutching towards us, leaving no doubts as to his intentions.

"Huh. I was wonderin' when we'd see da month's first gunpoint jacking. Poor Flippah, dat's no way tah lose a bettin' pool," Joey remarked in a casual, if slightly strained voice.

"Joooeeey," I grit out uncomfortably.

"Eh, don' worry aboud it," Joey said dismissively. "Flippah's an old vet at these kinda stunts, that rats in foah a _nasty_ surprise."

As if on cue, the Yagara in question spun his body on an axis, dunking 13 and his saddle in the water in one swift move.

Sadly, however, 13 wasn't affected in the least.

_THWACK!_

Worse yet, going by the way the otter had pistol-whipped his hostaged mount, all it had done was _severely_ piss him off.

I swallowed heavily as the captive Yagara Bull started closing the distance between us. I _really_ hated it when this damn bastard demonstrated that he was actually smart; now I couldn't try blasting him with Lassoo unless I wanted to risk harming the Yagara as well, not to mention the rest of the civilians around us. "Still think that this is your average Wednesday afternoon?"

Joey grit his teeth as he put on speed and started accelerating down the skyway. "What I _think_ is dat I'm pissed off 'cause one of my friends has got a frickin' psycho-assassin stickin' to his back like glue!" He glanced backwards, his mouth a grim line, as the other Yagara started to catch up with us. "And I'm _also_ a bit nervous because Flippah's as fast in the water as I am! Hope you're ready for a scrape!"

I groaned miserably as I shifted Lassoo so that he was hanging on my back and flexed my fingers in readiness. "And me without my _freaking_ baton…" I groused miserably.

All too soon Flippah drew up alongside us, at which point he swerved to the right and slammed his flank into my ride. "Sorry, Joey!" he apologized through grit teeth. "But you know how it is: when your life's on the line!"

"Do what ya gotta do, I know, I know," Joey nodded with a sidelong glare. "And I only got one thing ta say in response!" Joey swerved out and promptly rammed right back into Flippah, butting heads with the opposing Yagara. " _Right back atcha, bub!"_

While the two Bulls shoved against one another, I was treated to the sight of 13 leering viciously as he cocked back the hammer on his second gun, aiming it straight at my center mass.

I didn't have time to think, time to even _react_ properly, all I could do was snap my arm up in an instinctive act of defense…

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

And then blink in surprise as the unloading of the gun's entire cylinder did absolutely _nothing._ The sentiment was one that Mr. 13 mirrored perfectly, even going so far as to intently examine his gun _._

For my part, I looked down at my torso in an attempt to find out what the hell had happened, and in the process I inadvertently got my answer.

Once I had it, though, I grinned savagely as I jerked my arm up and caught the handle of the very heavy, very _bulletproof_ briefcase that was chained to me. "Isn't it _amazing_ what kind of protection ฿100 Million can buy?" I taunted as I fell into a ready stance.

13 swiftly recovered, scowling viciously as he snapped his gun back into his jacket and whipped out a trio of knives that he held between his paw's fingers like metal claws.

I grimaced as I held up the briefcase. "Nami's gonna _kill_ me…" I muttered.

And with that, we were at it. Mr. 13 swung his knives at me, I blocked with the briefcase—and just as I was winding up to swing back, Joey and Flippah promptly swerved away from each other.

"Ah, hey, what are you—!" I began before another Yagara bull shot past us. "Ah, right, live traffic. Carry on!"

"Same 'ta you!" Flippah and Joey snarled as they slammed back into one another, clearly getting into it.

It was _weird_ seeing the two Yagara Bulls fighting. They were holding back some; after all, I knew they could bite, and they sure weren't doing that. Instead, they were slamming their muscular necks against each other. It was bizarre, and also rather dangerous, seeing as both Mr. 13 and I spent half our time avoiding getting brained by their flailing heads.

The other half? Mr. 13 failing to get past the briefcase as I blocked him, and me trying and failing to hit him as he ducked and squirmed around my blows like a greased lamprey while keeping his gun trained on Flippah all the while. It was really quite frustrating, especially since Joey screwed up my swing more than once and the damn otter was only barely handicapped as he tried to keep up with Flippah.

The two bulls only split apart again to avoid an oncoming Yagara bus—yes, that's apparently a thing, I shouldn't be surprised—and when they came towards each other they were on a clear collision course, their heads reared back to strike. This was it. No janking, no shakes, no chance for our mounts to screw up our aim. Hell, the charge even helped us by adding momentum.

The two bulls sped closer and closer as Mr. 13 tensed his legs and I wound up a swing. Finally, they were less than six feet from each other, and I began my swing even as Joey and Flippah swung their necks and the otter leapt towards me—and was promptly batted out of the sky, following which he bounced off of the skyway's railing and fell out of sight.

All of us promptly stilled as we blinked after him in surprise.

" **That was easy,"** Soundbite summarized in a casual tone.

"Bit anti-climactic, if you ask me," Flippah shrugged, almost in disappointment.

"Oh, don't worry, we're not done yet," Lassoo provided from where he was hanging on my back.

"Yeh?" Joey looked back at us in confusion. "How come?"

"Second verse, only slightly flipped from the first." Lassoo angled a flat look over my shoulder at the Bull. " _Where's Miss Friday?"_

Both my eyes and Soundbite's shot wide in shock as we slowly exchanged terrified looks. " _Uh…"_ we hedged uncomfortably.

We received an answer in the form of a mechanical whirring noise above us. One look was enough to confirm that not only had Friday caught up with us again, but she was toting a—

I blinked as I processed just _what_ she was holding. "Is… Is that a hand-crank operated _rotary gun?"_

"Guess she musta found a weapon smuggler's stash," Joey provided weakly. "Go figure, huh?"

I swallowed heavily as I slowly brought my arm around my back to grip Lassoo. "Any chance that I can shoot her down _before_ she gets it up to speed?"

Friday grinned malevolently as she shifted one of her talons so that it was pressing a trigger on the weapon's handle, her other leg still spinning the crank as fast as it would go.

" **Guess not!"** Soundbite yelped.

" _MOVE!"_ I yelled, acting on instinct and leaping out of Joey's saddle and over the edge of the skyway—

_RATATATATATAT!_

—just as Friday opened fire and started peppering the space I'd occupied moments before with lead.

For the briefest of moments, I soared with the grace of a majestic eagle.

_SMASH!_

Then I smashed through _something_ with all the grace of Luffy.

I took a second to get my head on straight, but once I did I was able to realize that I was sitting on what had once been a very beautiful pile of rugs in what had once been a very well-organized market stall.

I also realized that a double-barreled shotgun was being stuck in my face, courtesy of the noticeably peeved owner of said stall.

Maintaining my calm, I dug my briefcase out of the wreckage of the stall's roof, clicked it open and removed a wad of beris, which I held out to the owner. "For your troubles."

The shotgun promptly vanished as the man beamed and accepted the cash. "Thank you very much for your patronage, sir. Would you like the rugs delivered to your ship?"

"Oh, absolutely," I nodded with a grin. "But, ah, at a later date, right now we're in the process of swapping ships and I have an assassin to deal with, so if you'll please excuse me!" And with that cheerfully polite remark, I shot out of the stall like a bat out of hell and took stock of my surroundings.

And a corner of my mind promptly began cursing the Unluckies for not giving me more of a chance to stare in awe at the marketplace I found myself in. Food stalls here, (well-armored) porcelain stalls there, little bit of everything everywhere else, and it was _all_ packed with people.

Though thankfully it wasn't so packed that I wasn't able to react when Soundbite suddenly sucked in a breath.

" **Move!"**

I obeyed him and jerked to the side, ducking into a stall _just_ as a fast and long shadow tore through across the street.

I panted for a second as I got my breath back before pausing as a thought occurred to me. I then snapped my fingers in front of Soundbite and pointed at the skyway above us before speaking. "Joey, you alright?"

I sighed in relief when the Brooklyn accent sounded out. " _Yeh, don't worry, Flippah and I got out alright. We dove when that bee-yotch opened fiyah. But you bettah believe that we ah_ pissed! _Look, kid, you're in da Huron Bazaar, right?"_

"Ah…" I glanced at Soundbite for confirmation, and he nodded. "Yeah, why?"

" _Good! Look, it's a big and confusin' place, but if you can find your way to da water, den I can arrange some transportation for ya to da Franky House!"_

I blinked in surprise before grinning gratefully. "Really? That's great! Where do you want me to head for?"

" _Don' worry aboud findin' us, just get to the water and we'll find you!"_

Now that _really_ surprised me. "Seriously? You sure?"

" _Absolutely!"_ Joey proclaimed confidently. " _After all, you made a friend of the Union, and the Union don't forget its friends no matter what, capiche?"_

"Ah, what do you—?"

" _INCOMING!"_

I barely had enough time to spin around and snap up my gauntlet as Mr. 13 burst through one of the walls of the stall I was in, his blade halting as it stabbed into my armored glove.

" _Impact,_ jackass!" I snarled as I flexed my knuckles.

_THWACK!_

The sound of 13's nose crunching as he was blown back the way he'd come was _immensely_ satisfying.

Sadly, as enjoyable as that sound was, the whirring sound that echoed above me made it evident that I'd overstayed my welcome. Honestly, the bullets that tore after me as I ran like hell only served to add insult to injury, though thankfully the bazaar-goers had already started running when Friday had come into firing range.

My little run was _not_ fun, on account of how I had a multitude of obstacles to maneuver around: stalls selling various wares that were rarely left intact when I passed them, individuals who were either brave or stupid enough to still be out and about shopping in spite of the clear hell that was following me, and more than a few carts being used to transport goods, either left abandoned in the middle of their owners' panic…

I groaned as I caught sight of the mass of logs and vegetables rolling across my path.

Or, of course, their owners could still be moving them. Damn the Grand Line's skewing of survival instincts!

Acting on instinct, I pumped my legs and leapt onto the table of a nearby stall, from which I managed to spring onto the wood of the cart, and from there clear over the cart itself.

I landed in a roll and came up crouching and facing Friday with Lassoo drawn on my shoulder, aimed right at her weapon. "Cani-Plaster!" I barked.

A ball of tar shot out of Lassoo's metallic maw at cannonball-like speeds and splattered against the buzzard's oversized weapon, sending a cascade of viscous liquid splattering both within the weapon itself and over Friday as well.

The avian assassin hacked and spat as she flapped her wings in a panic, and in the midst of her panic she _just_ so happened to press the trigger of said weapon. The trigger activated the rotary gun's trigger mechanism, obviously…

_BOOM!_ "SQUAWK!"

Which in turn ignited the tar and caused both Friday _and_ her weapon to go down in a nice and glorious fireball, even going so far as to land on the cart I'd managed to leap over.

However, as loud as the explosion was, it wasn't loud enough to overshadow what came next.

"MY CABBAGES!"

My eye twitched furiously as I put Lassoo back on my back. "Please tell me that was you, Soundbite…" I groaned.

" **What a glorious** _world we LIVE IN!"_ Soundbite sang gleefully. " _ **By the way,**_ **ON YOUR THREE."**

I promptly spun on my heel and lashed my arm out, smashing Mr. 13 dead-on with my briefcase and sending him careening into a nearby stall.

"HA!" I jumped and pumped my fist victoriously. "HOME RUN, JACKASS! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

"A lot, I'd imagine."

"Eh?" I blinked over my shoulder at Lassoo.

"That was a weapons vendor," he explained flatly.

"EH?"

13 chose that moment to leap back into sight, sporting both a shotgun that was larger than he was _and_ a truly vicious grin.

I ground my teeth as I glared bloody murder at the aquatic rat. "I will _eat you,_ you little—!"

_BANG!_

"GAH!" I yelped, hastily leaping behind the counter of the stall nearest me. Thankfully, the counter itself was made of metal, so the next blast of buckshot ricocheted rather than perforating me.

I panted and shifted around as I tried to get my breath back, and I jumped when my shoulder knocked into a bottle behind me in the process. "What the—? What is this place?"

"EH…" Soundbite's eyes swiveled for a moment as he took in our surroundings. " _Looks like a_ **stir-fry STATION!"**

A quick glance around confirmed his assumption: ingredients, dishes, cooking utensils, even a grill with a—!

The _THUNK!_ of 13 leaping onto the counter above me prompted me to shoot to my feet. I jerked my arm up—!

KLANG! _SPLASH!_

"WAAAAAAGH!"

And promptly revelled in 13's tortured scream as I splashed a wok-full of sizzling grease on him. Still, knowing just how much sheer _punishment_ these bastards could take, I wasn't even _close_ to willing to let things lie there. As such, I snapped a bright red bottle of _something_ out from under the counter and shoved its nozzle in his jaws.

I grinned devilishly as his flailing became as much panicked as it was pained. "Icy revenge is nice, but know that some like it _spicy,_ shitstain!" And with that, I throttled the bottle, flooded his mouth with the stuff—!

" _WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

And promptly ducked under the tongue of flame that he all but _vomited_ before running off in a blind panic.

I patted down a scant few embers that had ignited on my cap before grinning as I spun the bottle in my hand. "I guess that it's true what they say! If you can't take the heat—!"

_C-CLICK!_

I was cut off by the sound of a gun cocking behind me, prompting my spine to snap ramrod straight in terror.

"I'll have what he's having," Friday rasped.

I gulped audibly, steeling my nerves before scowling over my shoulder. "All you had to do was _ask!"_ And with that I spun around and sprayed a bottle at the buzzard's beak.

Friday opened her beak and accepted the stream of condiments with an eager grin… for all of three seconds before doubling over and retching in disgust. "W-What the—!?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting the sriracha like your little buddy?" I leered as I dangled the beige bottle I was holding before her eyes. "Yeah, we just ran out, so I settled for using horseradish instead. I didn't offend your delicate, capsaicin-proof palate, did I?"

Friday huffed and wheezed as she raised her head and glared bloody murder at me through her tears. "I-I'm going to—!"

"Enjoy your main course? Coming right UP!" I snarled out the last word as I whipped out a spare wok and rammed it over her skull. "And of course, let's not forget dessert!" I rammed Soundbite onto the metal of the pan. " _Snail fondue."_

" **I'm all about DAT** _ **BASS!"**_

"GWAGH!" Friday reeled and stumbled away in agony on account of the pan on her skull vibrating like a bell.

Satisfied with the state of disarray the pair of assassins were in, I booked it right out of the marketplace as fast as I possibly could and beelined for the closest waterway I could find. I'd just managed to run up onto a bridge—

" **DUCK!"**

When I was forced to fling myself to the ground in order to avoid yet another talons-first buzz from Friday, albeit a very shaky one.

"Don't these guys ever give up?" I growled as I shot to my feet and broke into a sprint, eyeing Miss Friday as she looped around for another pass.

" _Apparently_ **no—PINEAPPLE!"**

"What? Pineapple? What do you— _gah!?_ " I choked off in horror as I caught sight of the _thing_ flying at my head.

Y'know those cartoon bombs? Black metal sphere with a burning fuse at the top? Yeah, I had a split second to blink at one sailing through the air, courtesy of a sunglasses-clad otter, before reacting. And the worst part? He threw it at me from _further_ _down_ the bridge. How the hell he'd managed to get in front of me without my noticing, I had no idea.

"Ugh, this is a terrible idea…" I groaned, before throwing myself off the bridge and onto a tied-up gondola floating in the canal. The bomb went off with a loud bang, shattering the bridge and sending chunks of stone into the canal, though thankfully none actually hit me. However, I had no time to celebrate as Friday swooped in for another pass, this time only missing Soundbite and my shoulder by a matter of inches as I jerked to the side.

" _If you stand still,_ _you'll be shredded!"_ Soundbite yelped. " _DUCK! WEAVE!_ _RUN!"_

"Yeah, slight problem with that," I muttered as I glanced at the sidewalk, where Mr. 13 was waiting and grinning as he tossed another bomb up and down. "And where the hell did he pull that thing from, anyway?! He's only wearing a damn suit!"

"Crocodile didn't _only_ hire those two pests because they have skulls of wrought iron," Lassoo growled. "And also, if the normal way out is closed, than I suggest taking another route."

One glance ahead confirmed that the dog-hybrid had the right idea. Thankfully, we'd landed in the middle of a boat storage area, where there were enough tied-up hulls stretching down the waterway to form a makeshift artificial bridge.

I gritted my teeth and cracked my neck back and forth uncomfortably. Jumping for my life while wearing armor and toting both a small cannon _and_ a little under a hundred million beris in cash. _Fun._

The flash of a shadow swooping over me again prompted me to finally move, and I hopped over to the next boat down as the vulture sped through where I'd been moments earlier. The process repeated for three more boats before I saw another bomb fly _over_ my head.

"What's he—?" I started to mutter before being cut off by the bomb exploding—right under the next boat. Which was now sinking by the stern.

Letting out a frustrated groan, a quick glance around confirmed that 13 was still following me on the shore and that Friday was still flying overhead.

"Damn furry _bastards!"_ I snarled as I jumped onto the yet-visible prow of the sinking boat, which, naturally, only made it sink faster. I needed to move fast to the next boat, and my panic wasn't helping. Nor was Friday actually clipping my shoulder as I barely dodged in time.

Still, shaky though my landing was, I managed to make it to the next boat, and for whatever reason the Unluckies weren't doing anything, so I had room to breathe for a bit. Which, in turn, allowed me to notice that 13 was hanging back on the dock with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Well, that's not a good sign…" I muttered to myself as I tried to puzzle out what their tactic was.

" _Uh, Cross?"_ Soundbite asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"Not now, Soundbite," I replied as I waved my hand dismissively, my thoughts occupied with more pressing matters. What was that otter up to?

" _ **Cross, seriously."**_

"Soundbite, unless we're headed straight for a waterfall or something—"

"WE ARE!" Lassoo howled fearfully.

I blinked, then stiffened as I noticed that _yes,_ the scenery around us was moving and _yes,_ that was because the boat we were on was moving too. Dreading what I would see, I glanced behind us. My eyes widened as I realized that the mooring post the boat had been connected to had a combat knife buried in it, that the mooring line was cleanly severed and that w _e were slowly drifting towards an abrupt drop IN THE FUCKING CANAL SHIT!_

"Fucking bastards!" I barked, frantically looking around for _some_ way to avert this. "Damn it damn it damn it, is there an anchor? An oar? _Anything?!"_

" _Just me."_

And with that, Miss Friday's beak jabbed me in the small of my back and pushed us forward and off the edge.

Amidst the stream of cursing coming from my mouth and the vulture recipes that Soundbite was belting out, I braced myself for a very wet landing…

CRASH! "…eep," I squeaked in pain when I instead smashed into something very hard in a… shall we say, _compromising_ position.

"Hey, youse boys alive back there?" the Yagara Bull I'd _somehow_ landed on asked in concern.

"…lemme get back to you on that," I squeaked from my impromptu splits on the seat-back of said Yagara's saddle, the middle rammed between my legs until I tipped to the side and collapsed. "Soundbite? Do me a favor and take note of this: I need to ask Usopp to build a cup for me the _instant_ we see him again."

" **And I should** _ **give up this COMEDY**_ _WHY?"_ Soundbite cackled.

I snarled viciously as I started to right myself. "Because otherwise, I'll dunk you in saltwater every time this happens from now on!"

I took an immense amount of satisfaction in Soundbite's terrified expression. "YOU WOULDN'T!" he cried.

"Try me; I'm sure you-know-who would love a two-for-one," I bit out before finally managing to focus all of my attention on the Yagara whose back I was on. "Does that answer your question?" I asked dryly, before blinking in surprise as I realized that _holy crap,_ I'd landed on a Yagara Bull. "And, ah, who are you?"

"Eheh, sorry 'bout da rough landin', bub," the Yagara winced with a sympathetic snicker. "And anyways, names ain't important! Just know dat I'm wid da Union! Now hang on tight!" He looked up with a grimace as Friday wheeled around overhead. "Dese bozos ain't gonna letcha go just yet, so gettin' ya ta where ya need ta go is gonna be tricky!"

"Yeah, well—!" The flash of a shadow over me prompted me to look up. I bit out a curse and rammed my fist onto the side of the saddle as 13 dove towards us. "SCREW GENTLE, GO ROUGH, MOVE MOVE MOVE!"

"YOUSE GOT IT!" the Bull roared as he went from zero to sixty in no time at all, tearing down the canal in a blur of foam with 13 _somehow_ managing to stay right on our tail.

"Are you really no faster than a freaking _otter?"_ I grit out. In any other situation I'd try and be kinder, but right now 13 was just starting to _tick me off._

"Normal ottahs, easily. Dat guy ain't normal…" He glanced over his shoulder with a grimace. "But he suah as heck ain't local eithah, so it all evens out. Fah now, let's see him keep up in da boondock labyrinth!"

So saying, the Yagara turned a corner towards a wide branching series of water-paths. He kept taking forks in the road, as fast as he could manage it, and each time resulted in Mr. 13 taking just a little longer to keep up. After a few minutes, 13 fell out of sight and the Yagara abruptly turned in an entirely different direction and stopped at a low-level sidewalk.

"Head across da plaza, hang a right, and don't stop until ya hit da end of da' block!" the Yagara ordered.

"Eh?!" I blinked in confusion. "But this isn't where we're headed!"

The Yagara made to answer, then flinched as the sound of splintering wood sounded out a fair distance away. "Do you wanna get there before that water-rat catches you or not!?"

" _ **I'd listen to**_ THE BULL _if I were you!"_ Soundbite pleaded.

"Alright, I'm going!" I said as I leapt out and started sprinting as he'd ordered. Seconds later, there was a splash and the sound of someone running behind me, but I didn't look back as I made a beeline for the corner. A right turn and a few feet later found me waiting at the corner looking around in panic… before another Yagara Bull suddenly pulled up out of nowhere.

"I'm wid da Union, get on!" he said, his tone conveying no room for hesitation or argument. Neither did the sound of 13 catching up to me either, for that matter, which _really_ moved me to leap onto the Bull's back and hang on for dear life as he tore off.

"Not as talkative as the other bulls," I muttered.

"Some of us prefah to concentrate on dah job," the bull muttered back, matching his words as he focused on making tracks in the water. He jetted around for a few more canals before stopping by a landing without warning. "Run ovah to da next street, get to da centah of the bridge and den jump. Youse got thirty seconds."

This time, I didn't even hesitate to jump out and book it, charging down the street and easily locating the bridge that spanned the canal. The fact that I couldn't hear Friday or 13 behind me was a good sign, but knowing those two, I seriously doubted I was safe. As such, I didn't hesitate to climb on the bridge's railing and throw myself over.

One second I was falling towards the (relatively) rushing water, and the next found me landing not-so-gracefully on the back of yet another Yagara Bull's gondola.

"Let me guess, you're with the Union?" I reasoned.

"Precisely," the Yagara pronounced without slowing down. "I'm da last in da chain, you'll be as close to Big Bros Sod and Gom's house as we can get youse once I getcha there." It paused before shooting a glare over its shoulder. "Also, though I appreciate bein' able ta talk, I'm a _lady."_

I jabbed my finger at Soundbite with a flat glare. "Blame him."

" _What!?_ HELL NO, **blame Canada!"**

"This isn't South Park and I _don't_ respect your 'authoritay', now fix it!" I snapped.

Soundbite had the good conscience to flinch slightly. " _ **Ah, right.**_ **HOW'S THIS?"**

The Yagara hummed contemplatively. "One and two, test test…" she grinned victoriously. "Yeah, this'll work! Thanks! Ah, and check it out!" She pulled up alongside the mouth of a relatively grimy alley in a rather rundown part of town. "Here yah ah! Just head on outta town and yah should be theyah, yah can't miss Franky House if'n yah tried!"

"Got it, thanks!" I said thankfully, waving at her as I climbed out. "And, just out of curiosity, what the heck _is_ the Union and how powerful is it anyways?"

The Yagara donned a cocky grin. "Tha Union's short for the Yagara Bull's Workah Union, and for how powahful we ah, well…" Her grin widened by several molars. "Don't ask questions yah can't handle tha answah to." And with that, she sped off and turned out of sight.

I watched after her for a second before shrugging and turning to start walking down the alleyway. "So… seeing as we can't hear the pesky pair coming after us like bats out of hell anymore, you guys think we might have lost them?"

_FWUMP!_

" _Not a chance in hell."_

With an expression that was more incredulous and exasperated than terrified, I turned around to stare at where the Unluckies had landed behind me. They were thoroughly disheveled and clearly exhausted, but that hardly made them any less threatening than they had been at the start of this, in _spite_ of all I'd done to them.

"Okay, _seriously,"_ I demanded in shock. "What damned circle of _hell_ did Crocodile drag you two monsters out of!?"

"Kuraigana Island," Friday deadpanned.

"Freaking Humandrills…" 13 scowled.

I paused as I processed that before allowing my face to fall into a neutral expression. "…Yeah, that tracks. Ah, and by the way?" I tapped the side of my head. "Your sunglasses are askew." I stuck my palm out at them. "Gastro-Flash." And then there was _light._

"YEARGH!"

I turned tail and ran as the pair reeled and clutched their eyes in agony. It only took me a minute to run past the edge of town and onto the meager wasteland that encircled the city proper, with the unique and eccentric Franky House laid out before me. It was at that point that a roar/squawk of fury sounded out behind me, prompting me to run even faster. Thankfully, the scrabble of talons on stonework meant that Friday was probably too exhausted to fly anymore, but that sure the hell didn't mean that I was willing to stop for even a moment. My muscles burned like all hell, but soon enough I managed to reach the doors of the House and shoulder my way inside without stopping.

Once inside, I didn't even pause for an instant as I barreled my way past the shocked members of the Franky Family. I dodged to the side in order to avoid someone grabbing me, baseball-slid under the legs of one of their no doubt part-giant members, and at one point I even went so far as to spring onto a poker table they'd set up and use it as a springboard from which I could leap across the heads of at least three more members.

Finally, I reached the raised dais at the back of the house where there were two couches set up opposite one another, and without missing a beat I vaulted over its backrest and landed in the seat across from none other than Franky, a.k.a. Cutty Flam, a.k.a. the boss of Water 7's underworld, a.k.a. _our future shipwright_. "Hi, there!" I chirped in a perfectly casual tone. "Franky, right? My name's Jeremiah Cross, of the Straw Hat Pirates! Maybe you've heard of me? Nice to meetcha!" I grabbed his hand and shook it for a second before noticing what he was holding in his _other_ hand. "Oh, is that Cola? I haven't had any in forever! Mind if I have some? Thanks!" I didn't even wait for a response as I snatched the bottle from his hand and started draining it mercilessly.

Franky blinked in shock as I chugged the bottle he'd just been holding. "Wait, what the—?"

I finished the bottle off with a relieved sigh, followed by a gut-rattling belch. "Ahhh, now _that_ hit the spot! Thanks for that, I ran here from halfway across the city, so I am _parched!_ Anyway, sorry for barging in like this, but it was really important that I meet with you so that I could offer you the business deal of a lifetime!" I eagerly held my wrist up and pointed at the briefcase I was hauling. "Trust me, it'll be way worth your while!"

An instant later, the Unluckies filled the sides of the sofa beside me, shoving their guns against my temple with more than a little force.

My smile became rather fixed as I tried _very_ hard not to move. "But, ah, first, before we get down to business, do you think you could help get rid of my little friends?" I winced as they pressed their weapons even harder. "Pretty please?"

Franky took in the situation for a second before grunting and starting to stand up. "Alright, you two, I don't know what your issue with him is, but let him—"

_BA-BANG!_

I flinched as the Unluckies shot Franky in the chest without even looking at him, knocking him back and bowling over both him and his sofa. They then proceeded to cock the secondary barrels on their pistols and re-aim them at me, all without missing a beat.

I swallowed heavily as I eyed my assailants before pausing as a thought struck me. "… Alright, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but I just have to know: why haven't you done it yet?"

The Unluckies tilted their heads in the slightest indications of confusion.

"Why haven't you shot me?" I clarified. "You've had me at gunpoint _several_ times now, and it would only take a single second to send a bullet ripping through my skull. So why? _Why_ haven't you killed me yet?"

The two of them exchanged looks for the briefest of seconds…

"Tsss…"

Before hissing out a sharp breath between their teeth…

"TSHAHAHAHA!"

And throwing their heads back and _cackling_ in dark and malevolent humor.

Well, if I didn't think that these assholes were evil _before…_

"Tshahaha, ha, _haaa…"_ 13 wound down to a light chuckle and shook his head as he wiped a finger beneath his eye. "Ah, man… we _seriously_ overestimated you, Cross, we _really_ did. The way you talked earlier, we thought you knew _something_ of hatred, that you had a clue…"

"But if you even have to ask, then you really must have _no_ idea of what hatred is like after all," Miss Friday shook her head in amusement. "You have no idea what it's like to truly despise someone, to hate their very existence with every fiber of your being that you can muster."

"Because you see," 13 picked up with a vicious grin as he ground his weapon against my skull. "That's what we feel for _you._ You're no longer a mere vendetta, no longer a grudge, you're the object of our _hatred._ We _despise_ you, Jeremiah Cross, you and that snail of yours. We hate you on a conceptual level that we didn't think was _possible_ until now. There are… truly no words that can be used to define the depths of our emotions."

"But as undefinable as our emotions are, _one_ thing is undeniable." Friday's talons gouged into the sofa cushion, and her grip on her own gun shook slightly. "Taking your life in an instant, with a single bullet? That fate… is just too _merciful._ We just… we _can't_ let it sit there, you see? We can't let you die that… that _kindly._ No, Jeremiah Cross, you won't die here, and not today either. You'll die at our safehouse, a long time from now. You will die alone, you will die in agony, and above all? You will die _slowly,_ after we have performed every physically possible act of torture we can conceive or learn of _._ Do. You. _Understand?"_

I swallowed heavily as I swapped my gaze between the two utter _psychopaths_ I was trapped between before slowly raising a finger. "Ah… I-I see… then, i-if I may ask you one more question?"

13 bared his fangs as he brought his face close to mine. "The last one you'll get before Friday rips your tongue out _and eats it."_

"Right…" I was forced to _re-_ steel my nerves due to that particular image before managing to force a cocky grin in place. "Well, I just wanted to know if you were planning on doing all that you have lined up for me before or after the cyborg you ticked off kicks your asses."

Friday and 13 paused and visibly blinked in confusion. "Cy-what-now?" they chorused.

"Cy _borg,"_ I explained casually. "You know, half human, half machine. Something sort of like Mr. 1? Usually they're pure sci-fi, but there are a few examples out and about in the world today. Like, say…" I widened my grin as I looked up at the figure looming before us. "The SUPER! Boss of Water 7's underground?"

" _Sup."_

_CLENCH!_

It was at that point that two massive hands reached down and _crushed_ the Unluckies' guns, as well as the limbs gripping them.

"GYAGH!" the animal-assassins cried in agony as Franky lifted them both up by their limbs and held them before his infuriated face.

"You two pests think that you can break into my house, shoot me without even a second thought, and then threaten someone's life like that without there being any consequences?" he growled. "I don't think so. And _you—"_ He snapped his glare down to me, killing my nascent grin where it stood. "You intrude upon my home, shove past my boys, force me to meet with you, _drink my_ _Cola,_ and you _actually_ think that I'll work for you?"

I swallowed heavily before plastering an only slightly shaky grin on my face. "For my crew, to be specific." I brought my briefcase onto my lap and clicked it open, showing off the contents. "And for a rather exorbitant commission at that."

Franky's expression remained set in stone for what felt like an eternity before a massive grin split his face. "Ice-for-Brains owes me a whole bundle of cash," he announced in a jovial tone. "You Straw Hats are _just_ as insane in real life as you make yourselves out to be on your show!"

" **SIR!** _ **YOU OFFEND US!"**_ Soundbite cried out in a faux-insulted tone before grinning maniacally. " _OUR INSANITY_ **delves deeper than any** _ **mortal mind can possibly**_ IMAGINE."

"I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit," Zambai cut in.

" _Deeper than even_ **THAT!"** Soundbite asserted.

Franky chuckled. "Well, I'm definitely looking forward to talking business with you guys." His expression then took on a hint of sadism as he held up the still-struggling Unluckies, causing them to stiffen in terror. "Lemme just deal with these pests first." And with that, he strode to the front of his dais and held the pair out for the rest of the Franky Family to see. "Boys? Do me a favor and _educate_ these two on etiquette while I address our guest."

And with that, he flung the pair out into the crowd and walked back to the couch, summarily ignoring the sound of brawling and screaming that arose behind him.

"Now, then, it seems that we already know each other: Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite of the Straw Hat Pirates, founders and hosts of the SBS—"

"And Franky, ship dismantler and the head of Water 7's underworld, the most _SUPER_ guy I'll ever have the pleasure of meeting?" I finished, grinning ear to ear.

"Looks like you're not the only one whose reputation precedes them," Franky said, grinning just as wide. "So, let's cut to the chase. First of all… what's with the Government otter and the vulture? I mean…" The cyborg shrugged casually. "Besides those bastards no doubt wanting your head on a spear anyway."

"Not Government, just wearing suits in order to coast off the rep," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "They used to work for Crocodile, but after we took him down Soundbite and I… paid them visits in prison as payback for attacking us during that particular fiasco. We…" I scratched my neck sheepishly. " _May_ have escalated matters, which made them decide to kill us. This is the second time we've met them since we left Alabasta, and probably not the last."

"Huh…" Franky scratched his chin as he gazed over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "Ya know, I could do you a favor and put them on a spit. It wouldn't be any trouble, really."

"Nah, nah, it's fine, no need to go that far," I replied, shaking my head. "Just give them a beating and toss them… pretty much anywhere, really."

"Don't be an idiot, Cross."

I blinked and looked over my shoulder in surprise. "Lassoo?"

The Zoan-weapon growled and shifted on my back before pushing himself off so that he could roll to the ground, morphing to his full dog form as he did so. He glared up at me as he sat on his rump. "You heard me, Cross, I said don't be an idiot," he repeated. "You heard those two monsters, they're not going to give up trying to kill you any time soon. You can shake them or send them away, but they _will_ be back. Better to kill them now and be done with it, once and for all."

I frowned at my weapon and shook my head in denial. "No, Lassoo. I've gotten this far without killing, I'm not about to stop now. I know that they'll be back, that's a given, but I'll handle them then like I handled them now."

"But next time you might not get anywhere near as lucky!" Lassoo snarled, his hackles raised in annoyance. "Next time they might lose their patience, next time they might hurt someone _else!"_ He paused, panting, before backing down with a sympathetic look. "Look… Cross, if you don't want to kill them, that's _fine,_ just let me do it! I've done it before, more times than I can count, there wouldn't be—"

"Wouldn't be any blood on my hands? Wrong. Inaction to stop a death like this would be as bad as doing it with my own two hands," I countered.

"FOR THE LOVE OF _**YOU-KNOW-WHO,**_ **CROSS,** _IT'S A water-rat_ _ **and a**_ **feather-rat, BOTH OF WHICH** _ **WANT TO**_ _TORTURE US_ TO DEATH! _Why are you_ **showing THEM** _ **mercy?!"**_ Soundbite snapped indignantly.

I shot a glare at him and opened my mouth to say something heated before hastily snapping my jaws shut and snorting out an aggravated breath. I took a second to get my thoughts together before grimacing and holding up my hands defensively. "I-I know, I know, but… look, I'm not naïve, alright? I _know_ that I've been lucky in not having to kill so far, I know that one day I'm going to get into a situation where…" I looked down at my hands, almost imagining the blood there. "Where it'll be kill or no kill with no exit, no third option, but…" I shook my head in an effort to discard the thoughts. "But it's _not_ going to be today, it's not going to be in cold blood, and above all else?"

My demeanor sharpened as I shot a vicious glare over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "I'm not going to _let_ it be _those two._ I'm not going to give them the 'honor' of finally making me break. They can hate me and they can hunt me as much as they want, but at the end of the day?" I shook my head in disgust as I looked ahead. "I'm not going to let them make me like them. I'm not going to sink to their level, because the fact of the matter is that while they might be monsters, they're monsters motivated by hate, and that means that they _just. Aren't. Worth it."_

Lassoo and Soundbite stared at me, borderline awestruck expressions on their faces.

"C-Cross, I—!" Lassoo started to breathe.

And whatever he was about to say was then lost to the wind as the moment shattered to pieces. Said shattering resulted from the very, very undignified sound of a literally tough-as-nails cyborg _bawling his eyes out._

"Seriously!? You are _that_ hair-trigger!?" I squawked in disbelief.

"Sh-Shaddup, I'm not crying, you're crying!" wept the _very_ clearly crying Franky.

"The hell I am!"

"Cross, I thought you said he was going to hit it off with _Boss_ right away, not _Chopper_ ," Lassoo deadpanned.

"You haven't seen him _SUPER_ yet," I muttered under my breath before sliding my headphones on. "Oh, and fair warning? I'm going to snap him out of it the fastest way I know how, so cover your ears."

Soundbite and Lassoo's expressions morphed into ones of panic as I slid my hand into my bag. "DON'T YOU DARE—"

_**BWAAAAAAAAAH!** _

The entirety of the Franky House reacted as the foghorn blared out. And seeing their faces, I couldn't help but chuckle. "I love this thing."

"WE KNOW!" everyone roared back.

"Geeze, that stupid horn is even _louder_ in person," Franky grumbled as he dug his fingers in his ears. "Alright, moving on. Boys? Break them up, tie them up, and stick them in storage on the Puffing Tom." He looked at me in askance. "I can respect you not wanting them dead, but do you want me to make sure they can't come after you again?"

I turned to frown at the pair thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Yeah, go ahead, my conscience can live with that."

"Perfect! Hey, boys!" Franky belted out, getting his guys attention. "Don't kill 'em, but make sure to clip their wings and claws before you leave 'em. Oh!" He snapped his fingers as a thought hit him. "And they're a pretty close team, so keep them apart."

"Got it, Big Bro," Zambai saluted. "Destroyers, you're with me."

"Got it, Zambai," the part-giants chorused, gathering the twitching, groaning animals and binding them before heading out. As the door closed, the rest of the house looked at Franky, who made a careless gesture that signalled them to return to business as usual. With that, Franky sat back on his couch and grinned invitingly.

"So, Jeremiah Cross, what do the biggest smartasses in the world of pirates want with me?"

I made to respond—

_SLAM!_ "JEREMIAH CROSS!"

—and was promptly cut off by the unmistakable sound of a door being kicked off its hinges, accompanied by the unmistakably furious voice of one Nefertari Vivi.

I stiffened in terror as I felt visual daggers slam into the back of my head, and I gave Franky a desperate look. "For the love of all that's holy, _please_ tell me that this place has a bolthole."

Franky shook his head with a tsk. "Sorry, buddy, but it wouldn't do you any good. This chick looks like she's ready to move heaven and earth to rip your head off."

I winced, stood up and turned around as I mentally prepared any kind of excuse I could muster to keep my head attached to my neck… and was promptly brought up short when I actually caught sight of her. More specifically…

"What the hell— _did you change your clothes!?"_

Rather than the white blue-dotted sundress that she'd been wearing on the Merry, Vivi was currently clad in a beige suit-and-skirt combo and a scarlet tie. It was a bit plain, true, but it put off an air of pure professionalism.

"Aheheh, sorry, Cross," Conis apologized in a sheepish tone as she followed the steaming Princess through the collapsed door. She'd also changed her outfit so that she was wearing a professional-looking dark blue long coat, cyan khakis, and a white turtleneck, along with her white beret and the goggles hanging around her neck.

"What possible reason could there have been to go clothes shopping while I was _fighting for my life!?"_ I demanded indignantly.

"Simple." Boss snorted out a cloud of smoke as he waddled into sight, wearing a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses and a flak jacket. "She said that there was no way in hell that those two bastards would be able to crush someone as resilient as you."

"Ya gotta admit, she _wath_ wight, wight?" Carue chuckled, having changed into a charcoal-grey cap and one of those white collar things with a matching scarlet tie.

"Of course she was!" Su snickered from Conis's shoulder. The fox was… actually as naked as usual. Don't really know what I was expecting.

I opened my mouth to protest, and settled for looking away as I coughed into my fist "Well, when you put it like that…"

"This…"

I stiffened as Vivi suddenly hissed viciously and started stalking forward, like some massive storm front encroaching on the horizon.

"This actually _is_ going to be a _thing_ with you, isn't it?" Vivi snarled viciously. "This is going to be a _thing_ that happens every time we land on an island and you go out for a damn _walk,_ isn't it? A _thing_ that happens without fail and with _increasing intensity!?"_

I struggled to get my mental gears to grind as I backed away from her in terror. "A-Alright, Vivi, alright, l-let's just calm down and—!" I was cut off by backing into Franky's sofa, which gave Vivi the time she needed to hop onto the dais and loom over me. "L-Look, just what exactly did I do to deserve you being furious at me this time!? I-If it's the property damage, did you honestly expect me to be able to fight off the Unluckies in a metropolis like this without some collateral damage?"

"Some collateral damage," Vivi repeated in a tone of icy calm. " _Some_ collateral damage. Yes, Cross, I expected _some_ collateral damage. I always expect _some_ collateral damage from our crew and I've especially come to expect it from you. But even in spite of that… I find myself with a question."

I swallowed meekly. "A… A question?"

"A question," she repeated, her tone dripping with vitriol as she grabbed my collar and started dragging me back to the entryway of the house. "A question I find myself asking for the _third_ time since I met this crew. A question I never even _conceived_ of asking before I had the _misfortune_ of meeting _you_. And that question… is thus."

She grabbed the back of my head and forced me forward, so that I was staring out the doorway without obstruction.

" _WHY IN THE NAME OF HORUS, ANUBIS, RA, AND EVERY LAST GOD IN THE ALABASTAN PANTHEON,_ **IS THE CITY** _**ON FIRE!?"**_

"What the hell are yooooooooh holy shit the city is on fire," I trailed off numbly.

And indeed, the city _was_ on fire. A great big chunk of it too, smoke and flames and everything.

I stared numbly at the conflagration for a second before turning a carefully neutral expression at Vivi. "… Would you buy that it was in self-defense?"

_THWACK!_

"GYARGH!" I squawked, clutching my _very_ broken nose in agony. "DAB IT, NOD AGAIN!"

"ROT IN HELL!" Vivi roared without looking back as she marched into the house.

I took a moment to collect my thoughts before following her. How the hell _had_ this happened?! At Nanohana, I'd had a pissed-off Fire Logia chasing me. At Mock Town—which, by the way, was mostly made of wood—I'd set off a massive free-for-all in the middle of a pirate town. But here? I couldn't think of anything that might have set off a fire like that! I mean, maybe that food stall I'd used to spice up the Unluckies, but that was—!

… Dammit, that was it, wasn't? Open flames, hot oil… perfect for starting up a blaze and letting it get out of control.

"Whoob—"

"Hang on a sec," Boss grunted as he waddled up to me, jumped up—

_CRACK!_

"ARGH!" I clamped my hand over my nose in agony as it was righted. "Ow… ergh, thanks."

"Not a problem," the dugong waved me off casually.

"Anyway… yeah, whoops. Sorry, that was definitely my fault."

"Eh… not all of it, really."

"Huh?" I looked back in confusion to see Franky standing behind me and looking over my shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

He pointed out the leftmost region of the fire. "See that blaze over there? Yeah, that's mine. From five years back, actually."

" _What,"_ I repeated flatly.

"Heh, yeah…" The cyborg scratched the back of his head. "I was, ah, kinda experimenting with trying to create a stable power source and, well… one thing led to another…"

"Stable enough that it kept a fire burning for five years," Vivi repeated, this time with _disbelief_ in place of anger. "Five _years_."

"Eeyah…" Franky blushed in embarrassment. " _Really_ should have thought twice about trying to dig out an old coal mine I heard rumors about."

"You're lucky," I stated. "I remember back home reading somewhere about a coal fire that started three hundred years ago and is still going."

Franky and Vivi gaped at me, along with several others within earshot. Then the princess coughed and shook her head slightly. "Er, anyway, we're getting off topic," she said, extending her hand to Franky. "I am Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates. I believe it's safe to assume that you're Franky, boss of the Franky Family?"

Franky opened his mouth to reply, but then shut it as a grin slid over his face. "Hold that thought." Before any of us could act, he ran back to his dais while the rest of his Family scrambled around doing something or other and—wait, why were they lowering a sheet over—? _Were those drums!?_

The penny dropped when a spotlight shone behind the curtain, outlining a trio of silhouettes: Franky and two square-haired women who began dancing without warning.

"Hey, guys!" Franky crowed eagerly. "Did you just say my name!?"

" _Hell yeah!"_ the members of the Franky Family cheered eagerly.

"What on earth…?" Vivi gaped in disbelief.

"NO CLUE WHAT, _**but I just know THAT IT'S**_ **FUNK-AY!"** Soundbite whooped as he bobbed his head to the beat.

I chuckled in amusement as I patted Vivi's shoulder. "Welcome to Franky House, Princess."

"Yeow, yeow, yeow, _yeow!"_ Franky howled as he and the sisters pumped their legs before moving their arms into a square-like position. "Come on everybody, no need to be shy! Say my name!"

" _BIG BRO FRANKY!"_ The whole of the house shook from the force of the roar.

"WOO, GO POMPADOUR-BOY! SHAKE YO' MONEY MAKER!"

"Su!"

"Oh, c'mon, Conis, you were thinking it too!"

"Well…"

"Ahh, nothing more satisfying than a supportive audience!" Franky said before grabbing the bottom of the sheet, ripping it away and dancing even more energetically. "I'm Water 7's number one _SUPAH!_ guy, the face of the underworld and you know why! The man with the plan, the power and fame, and people everywhere call out my name! _Wow!"_

Franky and the sisters knelt down and started pounding their fists on the ground with a building hum. " _MmmmmMMMMM!"_ The mob-boss and his backup dancers snapped up in a pose, arms held together in the air. " _FRANKY!"_

_BOMF!_

Aaaand there was the ending with the smokebomb.

"Soundbite? Appropriate applause, please," I grinned.

Grinning, the snail promptly added to the already abundant applause with noise comparable to that of a live concert.

While the rest of the family cheered I took the time to grin down at Lassoo. "Still think he and Boss aren't a match made in heaven?"

"I… might have jumped the cannon…" Lassoo coughed in his paw.

In the aftermath, I took note that yes, Franky was currently being flanked by his seconds-in-command, the yellow-clad Mozu, and the pink-clad Kiwi—who was currently posing in a pink bath robe?

_THWACK!_

I winced sympathetically as she suddenly laid Franky out flat.

"Sis!" Mozu reeled in shock.

"Be happy I didn't give you one too!" Kiwi warned before rounding on their boss. "And you! Next time, don't call me when I'm in the damn shower!"

"Ugh… _ow…_ damn it, how do you make that hurt when I'm made of metal!? And sorry, Kiwi, but would you expect me not to show off for the _Straw Hats?"_ Franky asked as he got back on his feet, rubbing the back of his head in equal parts sheepishness and pain.

"I don't care if they're Tom himself back from the dead!" I winced and noticed Franky hiding the same reaction. "Do it again, and I'll aim _lower._ Got it?"

"Alright, alright, eesh." Franky waved her off and watched as she walked back into the house, her sister swiftly following after her, before sighing grimly. "Really shoulda given that more thought…" He swiftly recovered and puffed his chest out proudly as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Anyway, yeah! I'm Franky, big bro and boss of the Franky Family! Welcome, Straw Hats! Now then, boys…" His grin became somewhat bestial as he fell back in his sofa, arms and legs spread wide so that he took up more room. "How about you get us and our guests some refreshments while we talk?"

And just like that, as the Franky Family started milling around and set about their various tasks, Vivi's demeanor shifted; her shock and hesitation washed away and was replaced with cold hard determination. "Conis, Carue, stay behind the couch. Cross, Boss, you're sitting next to me. I realize this might be a relaxed setting, but let's at least try and act halfway professional."

I shrugged and stood a little bit straighter. "You've got point here, milady. Lead the way."

The princess nodded confidently and strode forwards, Boss alongside her left flank while Carue stood behind her. Conis moved to stand beside Carue while I sank onto the couch to Vivi's right.

Franky cocked an eyebrow at the formal display before smirking and raising one of his arms. Within moments, one of his boys was present, dropping a pair of large brown-filled bottles on the coffee table before disappearing back into the crowd.

"Hope you don't mind Cola," the cyborg chuckled as he picked up one of the bottles and prepared to knock it back. "So long as you're in my house, it's the only drink you can get. But of course, if the princess can't handle it—!"

Without ever breaking her neutral expression, Vivi snatched up her full bottle of Cola, threw her head head back and utterly _drained_ it. What _had_ to be nearly two litres of soda vanished in a matter of seconds, following which Vivi gently replaced the bottle on the coffee table and… nothing. No matter how long we waited, what we were all waiting for just didn't come.

Vivi, for her part, smiled beatifically. "Brawnson's. A very nice choice. I prefer St. Dobrynac's myself, but I suppose my palate might be a bit overly spoiled there, sooo…" She waved her hand dismissively.

Franky stared at her in shock for a moment before sighing heavily and placing his bottle down in defeat. "Well, I sure as heck can't top that." He leaned forward, his hands on his knees as he eyed our diplomat. "Alright, let's cut the posturing crap and get down to business: what do guys like you want with guys like me and mine?"

Vivi's artificial cheer drained away into grim solemnity. "As you no doubt already know, roughly two months ago, we travelled up to the sky island known as Skypiea, which is where we recruited our gunner—" She nodded her head back at Conis, who smiled and waved pleasantly. "And where our third mate…" She hesitated slightly as she glanced at me.

I chuckled grimly as I raised my hand. "Where I got my limbs turned into grilled mozzarella, no need to pussyfoot around."

Franky shuddered sympathetically. "Yeah, I don't think anyone missed that little shitshow. Ice-for-Brains had his Galley-La chumps handing out lozenges for snails with sore throats all across the city." He tilted his head in confusion. "But what's that got to do with me? Going by how Cross moved earlier, I doubt he needs me to make him any new limbs."

_That_ caught Vivi off-guard. "Make him new—?"

Franky glanced at me, to which I responded with a grin and a shrug. "I'm more knowledgeable than the rest of my crew, and I like letting them learn non-crucial stuff for themselves. But since it's out of the bag…"

"Oh, yeah, sure. Check it out!" And without further ado, he grabbed his right wrist and yanked his forearm in half. While the rest of my crewmates recoiled in shock, I whistled in awe and leaned forward to give the separation a closer look. Besides his arm being hollow inside, less than an inch of Franky's epidermis—no, of an _epidermis-like facsimile_ —was wrapped around the metal of the limb. Overall, it was damn impressive.

"What on _earth!?"_ Vivi breathed in shock.

"Even _I_ know that that's not normal," Conis gasped.

"What the heck _are_ you!?" Su demanded.

"I'm a cyborg, of course!" Franky proclaimed proudly as he refastened his limb. "This body you're looking at is known as Battle Franky 36, my thirty-sixth custom creation! I went through my own level of hell that wrecked my body something fierce and rebuilt myself from the ground up. Pretty sweet, huh?"

"To be clear, you made this badass monument to all things manly yourself?" Boss clarified as he gestured at Franky.

"Eeyup!" Franky chirped, popping a firm thumbs-up.

"…I am intrigued," Boss finally admitted, stroking his chin.

A cough sounded out from Vivi's direction, drawing attention back to her. "Well, now I see why Cross wanted your expertise." I grinned in response to her glance in my direction. "But I think we might have gotten off-topic. Anyway, to clarify why I brought that particular ordeal up…" She sighed and hung her head. "Cross… wasn't the only one of us crippled in the fighting."

"Seriously?" Franky sat up in shock. "But I don't remember—?"

"We… didn't find out until today," Vivi clarified. "During an altercation with one of Eneru's priests before the war proper, our comrade was thrown just the wrong way and…" She bowed her head, forcing her voice to remain steady. "And her… _her keel cracked."_

It took a few seconds for that to sink in. When it did, however, Franky's expression was equal parts awed and horrified as he leaned back in his seat. "…Your ship? The… The Going Merry, right?" His eyes widened in shock. "And… And you said you only found out _today?_ She's been sailing with a snapped keel for—?" Apparently our expressions were answer enough, going by how he slapped a hand to his forehead. "Holy _shit…"_

"Precisely…" I nodded gravely. "We… We'd love to fix her somehow, we really would, but—!"

"Not possible," Franky interrupted, shaking his head in denial. "For a ship to sail for even a week with a snapped keel is a miracle, but two months is utterly unheard of. The damage that your ship's infrastructure must have suffered since then…" He gave us all a sad look. "This goes so far beyond just her keel now. I'm sorry, but you'd need to replace… almost every other part of her hull from the keel out to fix her. I don't doubt that she's strong, she'd have to be, but… Water 7's her grave now."

We all flinched and lapsed into miserable silence as the harsh reality of our situation washed over us again. I thought I had already exhausted my grief. I was wrong; I had to try hard to not start crying again. There was a respectful moment of silence before Franky spoke again, more softly. "So, if you came to someone like me with this, then… I'm guessing you want me to handle her… end?"

Boss recovered first, shaking his head as he bit down on his cigar. "Ah… no, not… exactly. Merry's our ship and our responsibility, we can give her a dignified end on our own. No, we're not here concerning an ending. We're here about a new beginning."

"Eh?"

"Mister Franky." Vivi drew herself to attention as she pinned Franky with a gaze practically shining in its intensity. "We are here on behalf of the Straw Hat Pirates in order to commission the construction of our new ship by yours truly."

The cyborg immediately fell into a more guarded expression. "Wait, you're asking me to make you a new ship? Because that's Galley-La's forte, my reputation is as a ship _dismantler_. Why would you think that it'd be a good idea to come to me for this?"

"Because as you yourself have so aptly demonstrated, you're one of, if not _the_ best engineer on this side of the Grand Line, surpassed only by Doctor Vegapunk himself," I cut in. "You _literally_ built yourself from the ground up. Any ship made by you would be a work of absolute _perfection._ "

"Eh? Doctor who?" Franky asked in confusion.

" **YES!"** Soundbite started to cackle…

_SMACK!_ " _AGH!"_

Until I forced him back into his shell, anyways. "Not the time, Soundbite."

" **Killjoy…"**

"…Alwight, moving on fow the sake of sanity?" Carue suggested.

"Agreed," Franky said, his eyes narrowing as he looked over us. "Because I've still got questions. I'll admit that you'll be hard-pressed to find a better engineer than me, even in Galley-La, but that still doesn't connect to ship-building, so how the _hell_ did you know to ask me to do this for you?"

"You were actually recommended to us as the best person to ask," Conis provided.

Franky was silent for a second before slowly rising to his feet and looming over us, his expression shadowed but not doing anything to hid his flinty glare. "Who. Told you. To ask for me?" he demanded, his voice promising nothing but pain if he didn't like the answer.

It was a true credit to Vivi that she didn't even flinch before the display, instead favoring Franky with a cool stare. "It was the station-mistress of Switch Station, one Granny Kokoro," she replied, producing and holding out the letter from said station-mistress as though it were yesterday's to-do list written on the back of last year's receipt.

Franky's expression changed again, from barely concealed murderous rage to equally barely hidden shock and then just as swiftly to deliberate neutrality. Without giving anything away, the cyborg took the letter and opened it. He raised his eyebrows as he read the message, and then sank back into his seat in wide-eyed shock as he reached the finish. A few seconds later, he slowly folded up the message and replaced it in the envelope before locking eyes with each of us.

"You _spoke…_ to a Klabautermann? She… She came out in plain sight when you _asked?"_ he breathed.

One and all, we grimaced anew and struggled to hold back our tears as the memory came back to us.

"…I wasn't expecting that." Franky bowed his head with a quiet sigh, tearing up again. "For a ship to love their crew that much… to keep going past her own limits, and to show that much emotion to you… IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" he declared, bawling his eyes out again.

My eye twitched as he sobbed miserably. "Ah… not that we don't appreciate your support, but if we could get back on topic please—?" I requested as my hand drifted down to my bag.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" everyone else in the house roared furiously.

"Alright, alright, no need to yell!" I snickered as I snapped my hands up.

"Starting to see why the Government wants your head…" Franky grumbled as he wiped his eyes and got his composure back. "Alright, so, Granny sent you to me, huh… look, let's be clear here: what exactly are you looking for from me?"

My smile faded, and I glanced at Vivi for confirmation, to which she responded with a nod, prompting Boss and I to place our briefcases on the coffee table. "We came to you, Franky, because besides being a genius in the field of engineering, you also have extensive connections in the black market. We'd like to hire you to build us a ship worthy of a new Pirate King, one to rival the Oro Jackson itself." I kindly ignored the slight twitch in Franky's eye at that. "Of course, for this endeavor to be accomplished, a necessary component would be wood from the Jewel Tree Adam."

Boss and I clicked our cases open, and Franky's jaw all but hit the ground as we showed off the amount of wealth we were hauling. "What we have here is ฿500 million in gold and cash. Should you accept, we'd like you to use it to buy what you need for our ship, but before that…" I scrunched my eyes shut, struggling to fend off the image of the fire and snow. "Before that, we want you to at least _try_ scouring the market for any chance, no matter how remote, that we can keep Merry with us. We've all accepted that we have to move on and let her go, but…"

I gave him a truly desperate look. "I… back on Skypiea, I talked to Merry, and I promised her, _promised her_ that I would do anything that I could to save her. I… I know now that she lied to me when she said that she would be fine, that she still had a chance but…" I shook my head. "But damn it, I'm a member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and I wouldn't be worthy of our flag if I didn't do every last thing I possibly could to keep a promise. And at this point… at this point the black market connections _are_ that very last thing. So if there's some way Merry can stay with us… then we'll take it in a second."

Franky stared silently at me for a few seconds before exhaling. "I promise you, Cross, if there's anything that can help her, I'll get it. Saving the Merry after all I've heard about her would be worth more than twice this money."

I managed a weak, grateful smile, but it faded as Franky folded his arms and continued. "But, in the event that I can't find anything… The going rate for Adam wood is currently about ฿200 million a shipment, and extra materials shouldn't cost more than that. You're offering me more than enough for the supplies for your new ship, but my question is, how much of this is for your ship, and how much do I get to keep? And before you say anything!" He snapped his hand up to forestall any protests. "I still have my family to take care of, and the going has been rough lately, what with the Marines coming around more often to get their ships from Galley-La. I'll still help you, that's decided, but I just wanna hammer out the details is all."

I took a second to process that before snapping my case shut—which Boss mirrored—and sitting back with a nod to Vivi. "You're up, Princess."

Vivi sat up straighter as she locked eyes with Franky. "How much of it do you _want_ to take?"

Franky folded his arms. "Like I said, with my connections, it'll take about ฿200 million to buy enough Adam wood to build you the ship of your dreams; any other odds and ends I can get from what's already on this island. So, straight up, I'd like the remaining ฿300 million."

"Unacceptable," Vivi declared without hesitation. "฿25 million, at most."

"T-Twenty-five—!? You _must_ be kidding!" Franky scoffed as he slammed a hand on the coffee table. "No freaking way! I have fifty-five people and two King Bulls in my family, they're as big as Sea Kings! Twenty-five wouldn't last more than three days! ฿275 million!"

"฿50 million, we still need to live with _Nami,"_ Vivi retorted.

Franky winced sympathetically at that. "Alright, that's fair…" His expression became set in stone a moment later. "But my sympathy only goes so far. ฿200 million, final offer."

"฿75 million."

Franky's expression didn't shift. "200 million," he repeated firmly.

A flash of worry shot across Vivi's face. "I… 100 million, final offer."

The cyborg slowly crossed his arms over his chest, not even so much as a muscle twitching. "Two. Hundred. _Million."_

Vivi and I exchanged panicked glances, and for good reason. What the heck were we supposed to do!? Franky wasn't budging, but we both _knew_ that if we came out of this with less than two-thirds of Nami's money, our lives would be utterly _forfeit._ Unless we came up with something fast—!

"Ahem."

We snapped our attention over to Boss. The dugong was sporting a supremely serious expression.

"If you don't mind," he announced gruffly. "I'll do the job you brought me here to do."

And without further ado, he ripped the cuff attaching him to our gold clean off his arm, removed his flak jacket, folded it onto the sofa, and hopped onto the coffee table.

"Whad da heck…?" Carue muttered, scratching his head in confusion.

Franky, for his part, didn't even flinch. He just kept staring dead ahead with stony impassivity. The expression was mirrored muscle for muscle by Boss. Then, slowly, Boss began bending over, stretching his flippers down and out and stretching out his shoul…ders…

"…Is he…" I started slowly, completely and utterly incapable of of believing what I was seeing. "Is he… _flexing?"_

"… **Yes,"** Soundbite nodded in awe. " _Yes, he_ IS."

And indeed he was. Boss was flexing his body in one of the most iconic bodybuilding poses known to man, his muscles bulging to the absolute maximum that his relatively diminutive musculature allowed. Franky merely raised an eyebrow at the display while the rest of us looked at Boss in confusion and awe… though mostly confusion.

Vivi leaned over and whispered, "Uh… Cross, any idea what this is in aid of?" into my ear.

"Not a clue, but we _did_ bring him here because he can relate to Franky. Let's just trust him and see where it goes for now," I whispered back. "I mean, he _is_ our crewmate, so—!"

_CRACK!_

"—eh?" I started as a sound much like cracking glass sounded out. "What the heck—?"

_CRA-CRA-CRACK!_

Su gasped in shock as a rapid staccato of cracks sounded out before shakily pointing her paw out. "L-Look! His shell!"

We all looked at where the fox was pointing, and then my eyes shot wide as I saw that Boss's turtle shell had a whole spider web of cracks running through it.

"Boss, be careful!" Conis warned desperately. "Your shell, it's starting to—!"

_SMASH!_

Conis's voice—and everyone else's in the Franky House, for that matter—died in her throat as the dugong's shell _shattered,_ fragments of it flying in every which way you can imagine.

But that wasn't what _really_ shocked us.

What shocked us all into silence… was what was _underneath_ his shell.

Muscle. Pure, hulking _slabs_ of muscle. Somehow, against all forms of logic, beneath Boss's shell he was completely and utterly _ripped._ I had seen Zoro's muscles more times than I care to admit thanks to our far-too-numerous training sessions, and by _God,_ that man had absolutely nothing on the beast before me. It was like staring at a few-feet tall Olympic-grade _weightlifter_ prepped for a bodybuilding competition.

For the longest time, nobody dared to move as Boss posed. Finally, however, all while maintaining his stony expression, Franky stood to his feet, looming over us again, and then… drew his forearms together as he mirrored Boss's pose?!

Vivi's jaw promptly dropped. "You have _got_ to be _shitting me."_

_RRRRRIP!_

"…Appawently not," Carue said through his gaping beak as Franky's Hawaiian shirt practically _exploded_ off of his taut physique.

They were… _posing_ at one another. There was no other word for it. They were just flat-out flexing and _posing_ at one another, their muscles rippling and their expressions utterly determined as they squared off against one another. Muscle against muscle, buff against buff. A battle of two forces of raw flesh and will clashing against one another.

This confrontation was… it-it was… it was… I honestly don't know _what_ the hell it was. A melee of mental fortitude, maybe? A brawl of brawn? All I know was that as I stared at the display before me, this exhibition of pure manliness, I was… _moved_.

Honestly, I think I felt something new within myself. A shift or a change or… or…

…wait a second…

I pulled my collar out and looked down at my chest in disbelief. "Holy shit, my chest hair is growing."

Conis and Vivi both stared at me for a moment before turning their attention back to the bodybuilders. They maintained their stances for a few seconds more. Then, all at once, they _moved—_

_SLAM!_

—and the next thing I knew, after a thunderclap of flesh-on-flesh… they were clasping hands, staring in each other's eyes with what could only be described as mutual adoration.

"฿100 million it is. Pleasure doing business with you," Franky announced.

"Indeed, brother, indeed," Boss nodded in solemn agreement.

_SLAM!_

Far from being relieved or happy, Vivi moaned miserably as she ground her forehead into the coffee table. "I spent over half my life learning the fine, fine, _fine_ art of diplomacy…" she lamented. "And he succeeds where I was utterly failing with mere _flexing_ …" She turned her head on its side, displaying twin streams of tears trailing down her face and an utterly shattered smile. "This officially tears it. Even with everything I know, even despite being _born_ in it, I'm never going to stop being surprised at what the Grand Line throws at me."

"There, there…" Conis breathed soothingly as she leaned over the couch to rub the traumatized Princess's back. "Better this outcome than having to go back and tell Nami that we gave him 40%."

Vivi's only response was a pained whimper.

It took me a second to get my jaw moving again. "…Well, this is still something to remember, eh, Soundbite?"

Silence.

"Uh, Soundbite?" I looked at Soundbite curiously, only to find that the snail was gnawing on his lower lip in what appeared to be a desperate attempt to stay silent. I opened my mouth to ask again, but then, all at once, he snapped his mouth open and bellowed out in an announcer's voice.

" **BOSS USED SHELL SMASH!** _ **IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!"**_

" _SUPER!"_ Franky bellowed as he slammed his forearms above his head before blinking in confusion. "Eh? Wait, what just happened?"

I blinked as I processed what he'd just said and then I leveled a flat look at the snail as he panted with a relieved smile. "That was just _killing_ you, wasn't it?" I deadpanned.

" _You have_ NO IDEA!" Soundbite groaned.

"Speaking of…" Su cocked an eyebrow as she looked Boss over. "Didn't that… I dunno, _hurt?"_

Boss glanced up at her before blinking as he realized that he was naked, covering up the embarrassment with a deep cough. "Ah… no, no it did not. Apropos of nothing, could someone please hand me my jacket? It's… It's chilly in here."

We all stared blankly at him for a moment before hanging our heads with simultaneous groans.

"Pride: the ultimate steroid," Su muttered knowingly.

"Agreed…" the rest of us chorused.

**-o-**

"…and after that, Franky went off to get things arranged on his end before he could take off to buy the materials, and you had no trouble on your way back to the Merry?" Nami asked, concluding the summary of what happened to us after our two groups had parted ways.

"Yeah, that pretty much covers it," I confirmed, before glancing in Boss' direction. "So, Boss, tell me, what are you going to do about your—Boss?"

The Dugong's jacket was lying on the deck, but the Dugong himself was nowhere to be seen. I made to glance at Soundbite—

_SPLASH!_ "Sorry, did you call me?"

Before noting that Boss had just jumped out of the water, back onto the deck… and with a new shell on his back that was utterly indistinguishable from the old one.

"You—but—I… no, you know what? You know what?" Vivi threw her hands up and marched towards the women's quarters. "I don't want to know, I really, just _do not_ want to know. I am done. _Done!"_ she declared, entering her room and slamming the door behind her.

Nami stared after her for a second before sighing and looking towards the quartet of ship's guards staring in starry-eyed awe at their teacher. "Raphey, can you _please_ go and try to calm Vivi down? Hopefully your… _expertise_ in Grand Line madness will be of use."

The pink-clad Dugong promptly snapped a salute at our navigator before pumping her tail and belly-sliding towards the women's quarters. And with that, Nami stood up with a clap of her hands. "Now, Cross, Zoro? Staff meeting. Boss, you and your boys know what to do."

"Aye, Nami," the four Dugongs saluted as we headed towards the storage area. There was silence for almost a minute before Nami spun around and grabbed my shoulders.

"Cross," she stated with dead-serious conviction as she stared me straight in the eyes. "Are you _absolutely_ certain that Kalifa, Kaku, and Lucci are with CP9?"

I blinked at her, but promptly steeled my will as I replied with equal firmness. "Some time soon, most likely tonight seeing as they'd want to use Aqua Laguna to cover their tracks, those three plus Blueno will tear through Galley-La like an unholy _storm,_ striking down their comrades and coworkers without so much as a hint of remorse before attempting to assassinate Iceburg _in cold blood._ Of this, I have no doubt."

The second I finished, Nami's pupils dilated in horror and the blood utterly drained from her face. She slowly stumbled back from me, a shaky hand raising to cover her mouth. "Oh… Oh, _God…"_

Zoro started towards her with an expression that could be vaguely interpreted as concern. "What did they do, Nami?"

"N… N… N-Nothing," Nami whispered, desperately shaking her head in denial. "T-That's the whole problem! I have _years_ of experience in long cons, for the majority of my life I have been anyone _but_ me, I have been _them…_ and I was scanning them for any cracks whatsoever! I-I was subtle, don't worry, they never noticed, I made _sure_ of that!" she reassured me when she noticed that I looked ready to puke. "But… But that doesn't change the fact that they put on _such_ a good show that I… that they made me actually _doubt_ Cross!"

I sighed grimly. "I… I'll be blunt: you were firmly out of your league, Nami. You have a few years of experience, however harrowing, but they've been doing this for their entire lives, _literally_. There's a Government island somewhere not far from here that's exclusively devoted to training orphans and offspring of previous CP9 agents into the next generation of the World Government's personal killers. They've never known anything but sabotage, corruption, intelligence, and assassination. Make no mistake, CP9 is so renowned because they are _damn good at what they do._ "

Nami stared at me for a second before leaning against one of the crates with a tortured groan. "And we have to deal with _four_ people like that?" she asked.

I shook my head with a grimace. "If worst comes to worst and we still have to storm Enies Lobby, there will be _seven_. But I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you; out of those seven, three are in league with the Monster Trio, and the rest are _way_ weaker. Superhuman and with a few unique and deadly tricks, sure, but ultimately, with our current roster and power-level, not to mention the fact that I _know_ their playbook inside and out, we'll still be able to win."

"Who's the third one, Cross?" Zoro asked. "Lucci's obviously one of them, and Kaku has to be another if he's a match for me."

I shrugged indifferently. "Hopefully it won't become relevant, but the third one, barely weaker than Kaku, is Jabra, a wolf Zoan and CP9's specialist in the Iron Body technique. Sanji only beat him thanks to his Diable Jambe, just like you needed Asura to beat Kaku. He's a sadistic and deceitful son of a bitch, but so long as we're ready, we should be fine."

"And what about their chief, Cross?" Nami asked tentatively. "The one you said got the authority to use a Buster Call? Whoever the World Government put in charge of people that powerful must be a monster too."

I snarled as that particular trainwreck of a human being flashed through my mind. "Only morally, Nami. Physically?" I slammed my fist into my palm and ground it in, _hard._ "Suffice to say that if I get my hands on Spandam, I'm going to turn him into a _literal fucking pretzel_ and he'll be able to do jack all about it. The only defense he has for himself is Funkfreed, a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. Apart from that, that… _entity_ is weaker than your average Marine. But morally?" I ground my teeth as image after image after _image_ of the Bridge and everything before it flooded my mind. "Let me put it this way: I didn't kill the Unluckies because I didn't think they were worth it, because I feared I'd regret it. Him?" I let a vicious smile crawl across my face. "I could hand him over to Chopper as a guinea pig, and that would be _kind_ compared to what I'd do to him if given half a chance."

Zoro and Nami both stared at me in something very close to horror.

" _ **Cross—"**_ Soundbite started fearfully.

I cut him off with a raised hand. "He. Abused. Robin," I enunciated firmly, causing every other person in the room to freeze. "In every conceivable way except for the sexual one, from the moment she arrived at Enies Lobby to the moment we rescued her. Mental, physical and emotional abuse on a level I didn't even think was _possible._ Make _no_ mistake: Spandam is the _epitome_ of everything wrong with humanity, in that he is a weak-bodied, weak-willed and weak-minded _evil_ bastard with _far_ too much power and pride. If we invade Enies Lobby, I'm going to make _sure_ that he ends up either dead… or _worse."_ I looked around the room, staring everyone straight in the eyes. "Any objections?"

" _NO,"_ all three of them intoned without hesitation.

"Good," I nodded gratefully. "Now, then, moving on… how did the meeting with Iceburg go?"

Nami took a second to breathe deeply and calm herself down before schooling a neutral expression on her face. "You mean apart from him being as irresponsible as you implied?" she deadpanned before shrugging casually. "Perfectly fine. He listened to our request and accepted a ฿100 million down payment after we gave him Granny Kokoro's letter. He said that he'll either send one of his foremen here or be along himself in a while." She paused and frowned. "We _don't_ have to worry about the other foremen, right?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand in a 'so-so' manner. "If CP9 manages to frame us for hurting Iceburg or Galley-La in general? Quite possibly, strong sense of camaraderie there. But otherwise, the most dangerous thing about them is their quirks, and of those, the worst is Paulie trying to cut and run with a brick of gold. Basically, they're like us: we don't tick them off and we're all good."

"So," Zoro grunted. "Now we wait?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I shrugged, then reached for my side and withdrew the transceiver. "Well, I guess I may as well start up another SBS—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_ Soundbite said suddenly.

"Or take a call, that works too," I continued smoothly, pressing the caller ID button. "MI4," I confirmed to Nami and Zoro, who turned back towards me. I made to pick up the receiver, then paused as a wicked grin played over my face. "Oh, Soundbite? Make my voice sound like Apoo."

"OH, _**CROSS, you son of a—**_ _Puru puru puru puru!"_ the snail chortled.

"And proud of it," I snickered, and then picked up the receiver before cackling. "Apapapapapa! Hello, you've reached Scratchman Apoo! Sorry, but Mister Cross has been _disconnected!"_

Nami facepalmed with a groan while Zoro smirked in sadistic amusement.

I swiftly chopped my hand across my throat and burst out cackling as Soundbite's expression contorted in panic and horror. "Oh-hoh, _MAN,_ you should have seen your faces! I-I'm sorry, but that was just straight up _hi-hi-_ larious! PFFHAHAHAHAAA!"

As my laughter trailed off, I noticed Soundbite glaring at me with a look of intense concentration. "Uh…"

" _Oh, don't mind me, Cross,"_ Tashigi's voice said, sounding about two seconds from snapping. " _I'm just trying to_ kill you _with the POWER OF MY FUCKING_ MIND!"

" _If that were possible, Tashigi, he never would have escaped from Loguetown,"_ Smoker cut in.

" _Or Alabasta,"_ Hina added.

" _Or Skypiea,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

" _Or Navarone,"_ finished another voice.

"Alright, alright, I get the point alre—huh?" I blinked, and then grinned as I processed who had just spoken. "Jonathan, you devious chess-bastard, I knew you'd come around! Good thing too, now Vivi owes me a hefty chunk of change."

Nami tsked and tossed a wad of beris at me. "Here, I bet her the opposite."

"That makes this doubly sweet!" I crowed as I counted out the cash.

"CHA-CHING!" Soundbite whooped ecstatically.

_ZOT!_

I flinched slightly as light and ozone flashed inches before my eyes, but I swiftly recovered and stuck my tongue out at Nami. "Nice try, but no dice!"

"Damn Chopper and his damn freaky good therapy…" she scowled as she spun her staff-third back into place.

" _Hmph. Good to see that you're as composed as ever, Mister Cross,"_ Jonathan chuckled. " _And I'll admit, I did have some apprehensions at first given the risk involved in the undertaking. But time and the SBS wore them away, and after talking to Commodore Smoker, I was quite satisfied to join what's now MI5 and claim the codename of Sagittarius. My four officers and Jessica have signed on as well, and they're in the process of informing the remainder of the base."_

"Great to hear!" I wrung my hands eagerly. "Now, then! Before we get to business, I believe some of you owe me an apology?" I pointedly ignored Nami facepalming and muttering something about 'idiots' and 'pushing your luck'.

" _I don't apologize to many people for many things, Cross. I'll be damned if I add you to the list of people I_ do _apologize to for not considering that someone could or would trick Akainu like Jonathan did,"_ Smoker grunted.

" _And on that note, Hina wonders how you found out Jonathan's secret when he managed to fool everyone else in the Corps,"_ Hina cut in dryly.

"Well—!" I began.

" _I'd like to know that as well, Mister Cross,"_ Jonathan interrupted, his voice and demeanor shoved _deep_ in his 'serious as a prowling Sea King' mode. " _Aside from my laid-back demeanor since I took over G-8, I've never given any indication that I've failed to learn the spirit of Akainu's lessons. True, I wasn't as guarded with my emotions as I should have been in our encounter, but for you to have been as comfortable as you were makes it clear that you knew more than you possibly could have. And while you may have a reputation for being impossibly well informed, this borders on being_ genuinely _impossible, if not utterly._ _So, considering the fact that anyone beyond the present company and my soldiers learning it would be potentially fatal, I insist on you answering me:_ how did you find out?" Jonathan asked, a stern frown on his face.

"Ah…" I hedged uncomfortably as I shot a desperate glance at my equally shocked allies before flinching as I realized that that look had just been broadcasted.

" _And don't give us any more nonsense like you were spouting on Skypiea, this time we're not leaving without an answer,"_ Tashigi intoned firmly.

I winced as I tugged at my suddenly too-tight collar. Damn it, and I'd thought that bringing in the hyperintelligent chessmaster would be a good idea _why!?_

"Cross."

I snapped my attention over to Zoro, who was staring at me with an uncharacteristically analytical gaze.

"Tell them," he ordered in a firm tone.

" _What!?"_ Nami and I hissed simultaneously, though Nami was the one who followed up. "Are you out of your moss-ridden—!?"

"They deserve to know," the swordsman interrupted, his gaze frosty. "They might not fly under our flag, but they are our allies, and I seriously doubt they'll tell anyone. And even if they did, it's that chess-guy all over again: they spill our secret, we spill theirs."

" _Glad to see you're as insensitive as ever, Roronoa,"_ Tashigi deadpanned.

"Glad to see that you're as grateful as ever, four-eyes," Zoro shot back.

" _Glad to see that you're still a barbarian."_

"Glad to see you're still a _novice."_

" _BASTARD, I CUT PEOPLE!"_

" **For the love of GOD, FUCK OR KILL EACH OTHER** _ **but don't use me**_ _to pussyfoot around!"_

" _SHUT IT, SNAIL!"_ the sword-masters roared simultaneously.

" _Enough,"_ T-Bone wheezed, his shaky voice as firm as iron. " _Cross, we're waiting."_

I grimaced as I processed the fact that I… _really_ didn't have a choice here, did I? Dang it, I wasn't expecting to have to give the explanation again before I told the rest of the—

The rest of them… now, there was an idea.

I took a second to get my composure about myself before adopting a determined look. "Let me make this clear: the explanation is of a magnitude that you can't begin to imagine, to the point that I haven't even told our most recent crewmates yet. I do _not_ want to say it more times then I absolutely have to, because it's a damn long story and there's gonna be a _lot_ of disbelief. So, here's the deal: there's only one more decent Marine of significant standing that I'm relatively sure you can convince to join you right now. When you've recruited Vice Admiral Tsuru, I'll tell all six of you my secret. Fair enough?"

Soundbite adopted a doubtful grimace. " _Tsuru…"_ Smoker grumbled to himself. " _You don't ask for anything easy, do you, Cross?"_

I blinked. "Wait, what? You didn't object when I recommended her the night before you met with T-Bone."

" _I imagine that admitting one such as a Vice Admiral to a list of potential allies is vastly different from_ actually _trying to recruit her, Mister Cross,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

" _Nail on the head there, sir,"_ Tashigi moaned.

" _Hina is uncertain about this…"_ Hina grumbled. " _Vice Admiral Tsuru is as wise and righteous as they come, of that there is no doubt, but she is also one of Sengoku's closest confidants, and while the Admiral of the Fleets is not himself corrupt, neither does he oppose the World Government. It would take a cataclysm of untold depths to fracture their bond in even the most minute of ways."_

"I see, I see," I nodded casually. "Then in that case, I just have one question: T-Bone, would you happen to currently be on assignment to… mmm, given the timing, I'm gonna say… Enies 'Kangaroo Court' Lobby?"

Dead silence rung out for a few seconds before T-Bone groaned. " _I won't even question it."_

I chuckled. "Ohohoh, you guys would be _nowhere_ without me, absolutely _nowhere._ "

" _Clearly,"_ the skeletal captain scoffed. " _I don't suppose you'd happen to know what my assignment is to be, would you? They merely ordered myself and a number of my men to present ourselves and await further orders. The mood here is… tense. I've never seen the Lobby garrisoned so thoroughly."_

I smiled grimly. "Security detail. You're going to be safeguarding the return of a Cipher Pol 9 hit-squad who'll be bringing with them the blueprints of the Ancient Weapon Pluton AND!" I cut off Tashigi's horrified gasp and Smoker and Hina's hisses of breath. "And… our _kidnapped_ archaeologist."

Once again, _silence._

"… _Oh, for_ fucks' sake, _Cross."_

" _Right there with you, Tashigi,"_ Jonathan sighed.

I chuckled grimly while Nami shook her head with an exasperated sigh and Zoro smirked. "Don't get me wrong, we're going to fight tooth and nail to do what we can to stop this shit from going down. But if we fail, well…" I injected a tone of pure savagery in my grin. "Then I'm going to do more to the World Government in a span of hours than I have in all of my past broadcasts _combined."_ I widened my grin by a few teeth. "And should we win, well… I can only imagine the kind of holy hell that the confirmation of CP9's existence, the complete destruction of one of the Government's three sacred bases, and an _exclusive interview_ with Nico Robin covering the events on Ohara will raise. Is that cataclysmic enough for you?"

" _Enough that Hina is sorry that she asked,"_ Hina replied weakly. " _Cross, I hope you realize that if all of that does happen, your name is likely to be spoken of in the same breath as the likes of Dragon and the Emperors."_

And just like that, my smile flipped to a scowl. "You don't seem to get it. Even ignoring how much I hate the Government based on everything I've seen, I stand by the same standards as my crew, the same standards as Whitebeard and Shanks: if anyone lays so much as a finger on our crewmate, it's nothing less than a declaration of war. It should have been clear from the very first SBS broadcast: if it's for one of our friends, we welcome infamy with open arms."

I sighed and shook my head as I stepped down from my mental pedestal. "Anyway, enough preaching. Is there anything else you called for?"

"… _Only that I made an attempt to convince 'Black Bart' to join us, and he almost agreed, but he requested proof that we were in contact with you. Mention the words 'Rooster' and 'Integrity' in the same sentence on your next broadcast,"_ Hina replied.

"I'll see if I can work it in somehow," I said.

" _On a lighter note, Mister Cross, pass my thanks on to Miss Robin for the suggestion she offered in regards to Major Shepherd,"_ Jonathan put in, smirking again. " _He was so flustered in front of the court that he all but confessed the charges he was presented for, and they subsequently uncovered a significant history of corruption."_

"How significant?" I asked eagerly.

" _Ooooh, where to begin~!"_ Tashigi sang in an uncharacteristically eager voice. " _Extreme embezzlement, framing several of the investigators who were looking into him, and acting as something of a 'fixer' for other Marines of similar demeanors. He'd make reports about them go away for a price and then transfer them to, shall we say, 'sympathetic bases'. Like, say… Base 16 in the East Blue under one Captain Nezumi, who has also been scheduled for court-martialing?"_

"Now, _that,_ " Nami snapped her head around with a sadistic grin. " _That_ is good news; that money-grubbing rat-bastard is the biggest reason that Arlong never got reported."

" _Oh, really?"_ Jonathan asked in much the same tone. " _In that case, I think I'll put a word in myself, for Bellemere's sake."_

" _Besides that…"_ Tashigi trailed off slightly before perking up. " _Oh, right! And he was a chronic stealer of office supplies."_

The three of us fell silent as we processed that particular tidbit before I gave the Marine a flat look. "Seriously?"

" _Don't diss the Marines' logistics division, Cross,"_ Hina scoffed. " _Next to the Admirals, their accountants are some of the scariest bastards in the whole of the Corps."_

I exchanged disbelieving looks with my crewmates again. "Yeeeaaah, I'll take your word for it."

"BY THE WAY," Soundbite spoke up in a curious tone. " _What's with the good mood, TASHIGI?_ **Steal another sword** _ **RECENTLY?"**_

" _Eeheeheehee~!"_ Tashigi giggled ecstatically. " _Not even your vile words can bring me down, you petulant pest! I'm riding on a power high!"_

Aaaand now I was thoroughly creeped out. "Someone wanna fill me in?" I pleaded.

" _Marine HQ tapped the good officer to lead the investigation into Shepherd for her excellent intellect and analytical skills,"_ T-Bone rasped.

" _Not only did I have the_ immense _honor of pinning that scumbag to the floor, but I hauled in a nice and juicy promotion to go with it!"_ Tashigi squealed, the grin she was sporting almost ear-to-ear. " _Ensign no more, you now speak to Lieutenant J.G.—soon to be Lieutenant_ proper!— _Tashigi! Haha, woo!"_

I took a second to consider this development before adopting a thoughtful look. "So, to be clear here…" I queried innocently. "You're excited about moving up the ranks of a vile and corrupt system that you are _actively_ working to tear apart. Did I get that right?"

Tashigi's smile froze as though I'd injected it with liquid nitrogen before shattering into a positively _blistering_ scowl. " _Can… Can you_ not _ruin my good mood?"_ she bit out, a tic mark clearly pulsating on Soundbite's—and thus her—brow. " _For, just,_ five _seconds? Is… Is that honestly too much to ask for?"_

I made a show of thinking long and hard before answering with the utmost seriousness. "Yes. Yes, it is."

Tashigi's eyelid straight up jerked. " _Goodbye, Cross."_

Nami facepalmed as the connection chopped off out of the blue. "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

I spread my arms in a show of innocence. "I have a naturally aggravating personality. Sue me."

Nami's sigh of exasperation sounded more like howling. Zoro simply rolled his eyes before looking at me. "Anyway… this Franky guy who's gonna be helping us build our ship, what's he like?"

"Hm..." I tapped my chin thoughtfully as I considered how to put it. "Well, first, he's kind of…"

" _SUPER!"_

"Exactly like tha— _the heck!?"_ I demanded, bolting towards the door and wrenching it open. I then gaped with no small amount of surprise to see Franky on the Merry's deck in his typical pose… though I was _not_ surprised by the sight of Boss and the TDWS all posing along with him and Luffy and Usopp laughing and clapping eagerly.

"AWESOME!" Luffy cheered. "So, you're, like, half a robot, and you run on cola?!"

"Yep! I keep it right here, nice and cold!" Franky confirmed, opening his abs to demonstrate a refrigerator filled with three bottles of cola.

Nami's eyelid twitched as she stared at the sight. "Well, there's something I can never un-see."

"Whoa! That must be way useful in the summer! But how the heck did you manage to fit a refrigerator in your own body without any negative effects from the temperature?" Usopp asked incredulously.

"Well, my belly is always cold because of this, but—"

"I have a question!" Luffy snapped his hand up in the air without warning.

"DON'T INTERRUPT MY QUESTION!" Usopp yelled as he slapped the back of our captain's head.

"Yeah? What's up, Straw Hat?" Franky asked.

"You're totally metal, right?"

"Weeell…" Franky surreptitiously scratched his speedo-clad ass. "For the most part. Why?"

"Do you—?"

Right, the insane train ends right now. "OY!" I cut in.

"Eh?" Franky said as he glanced in my direction before laughing and waving at me. "Oh, hey, Cross! I was just about to tell your crewmates here how my insides work! Wanna sit in?"

My eye twitched viciously. "Yeah, not a chance in all hell…" I muttered under my breath before raising my voice. "What the heck are you _doing_ here, Franky!? I thought you were supposed to be headed out to St. Poplar with our money!"

"Eh?" the cyborg frowned and crossed his arms as he tilted his head in confusion. "The heck are you talking about? Yeah, I've taken care of business with my family and I'm heading out soon, but I had to come here first!" He flexed his arms in a square.

"Uh…" I hedged as my mental gears failed to grind properly. "And you… had to come here _why,_ exactly?"

Now Franky out-and-out stared at me in a lack of understanding. "Uh, because Granny Kokoro's letter told me to? Duh? She told me to show up… here… ah." Going by how he smirked in wry amusement, my confusion was clearly displayed on my face. "Lemme guess, she didn't tell you anything about that, huh?" the cyborg snickered, running a hand through his pompadour. "Aaah, yeah, that brings me back. That old hag does whatever she wants whenever she wants, and only she ever knows the true breadth and width of her plans. You know, one time—!"

I tuned out Franky's reminiscing in favor of letting my mind fly at a million miles an hour as I put together the new pieces that I'd presented, and once I reached a conclusion, the implications hit me like a _fucking meteorite._ Thinking fast, I spun around, fully intent on calling for Nami, for Zoro, for _anyone I could get my hands on—!_

"Ahoy, there! May we come aboard?"

When a _sickeningly familiar_ voice came up from the shoreline, causing both me and Franky to freeze in place. Almost as one, we both snapped to the ship's railing and looked overboard. What we saw caused us both to jerk, though for Franky it was merely out of surprised confusion, while for me? It was out of nothing less than pure existential _terror._

Because standing _right there,_ plain as day, without a care in the world and with a mouse in his shirt pocket, was none other than the beloved Mayor Iceburg of Water 7 himself, with his trusty chain-smoking and rope-slinging second Paulie trailing right behind him.

Honestly, in retrospect, I should have seen it coming sooner. I mean, she gave us letters for _both_ of them, so logically that meant that the two of them would have to come into contact with one another at some point in the process. But I thought that they would have been kept apart longer! Franky would provide the materials and his designs, Iceburg would provide the experienced manpower and facilities to make the Sunny the best ship born of the island since Tom's passing. At _worst_ the two would meet up once or twice and grind against one another, but that would have been it!

But ultimately, their quarreling was an obstacle that we could surmount. Them meeting each other here was unexpected, and far from the most pleasant thing that could have happened, but it was _far_ from cataclysmic. This situation would have been little more than a minor difficulty at the absolute worst!—if it wasn't for one itty bitty, teeny tiny, utterly _fatal_ detail.

Paulie wasn't the only Galley-La employee Iceburg had brought with him.

Standing _right there,_ right beside him, were a very professional-looking woman with blonde hair and glasses and a kindly grinning man clad in orange with a long, square nose.

Half of CP9's team on Water 7 was here. Half of CP9 was _feet away from me._ _And the object of their_ fucking _mission was standing right next to_ me.

My mind blanked and I was forced to scramble for _some_ way to keep myself from drawing suspicion, considering the fact that I was one jolt away from spewing the worst vocabulary that sailors had to offer out of my mouth.

"Bite me. Bite me as hard as you can," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, desperation flooding every decibel. "Do it. Do it now, do it now now _now—!"_

_CHOMP!_

"YEARGH!" I leapt back from the railing and started dancing around the deck in agony on account of the fact that it felt like a fucking _bear trap_ had ripped into my neck. "MAUDIT PUTAIN D'UN ESPÈCE DE SALAUD SALOPARD QUI BRÛLE DANS LE MAUDIT ENFER AVEC UN SEAU DE— _SOMEBODY GET THIS LITTLE SHIT OFF OF ME, DAMN IT!"_

Literally _everyone_ was staring at me, more in amusement than anything else.

"I've heard the phrase 'pardon my French,' but this is ridiculous," Vivi deadpanned, poking her head out of her cabin.

" _SOMEBODY HELP ME ALREADY, HE'S OVER MY_ FUCKING CAROTID!"

Nami hastily dashed to my side and started tugging at Soundbite's shell, to no avail. "Soundbite, what the hell are you—?!" she started to snarl.

"Iceburg's here, he's brought Kaku and Kalifa with him, and _Franky has the blueprints inside his fucking body!"_ I hissed desperately.

The blood drained from Nami's face as she glanced over at Franky before looking back at me. "… _shit."_

" _No fuck,"_ I snapped back. " _Tell the others, and emphasize to Zoro—_ GAH!" I cut myself off as Soundbite finally let go, and I winced as I felt that I was actually bleeding from that bite. "Agh… emphasize that they'll pick up on even a hint of killing intent. If they think their cover's broken—"

"We're dead, got it," Nami nodded grimly before adopting an air of exasperation and stalking over to Vivi. I, for my part, reached into my jacket and pulled out a tube of salve and a roll of bandages that I had taken to carrying a few weeks ago; having the bindings on my arms and legs fail with Chopper nowhere close was excruciating, hence the emergency stock. "Well, that's the last time I ask you to do that," I muttered to Soundbite.

"WON'T BE _soon enough!"_ Soundbite spat, hanging his tongue out in disgust. " _YOU NEED A BATH,_ **dude!"**

"What exactly did you do to provoke the snail, Cross?" Franky asked quizzically.

"OH, _I just_ _ **wanted to get ANOTHER INSTANCE**_ **of his** _INCOHERENT_ SWEARING," Soundbite chirped without missing a beat, an innocent grin on his face.

Franky rolled his eyes with a chuckle. "Well, I don't know French, but I can't deny that that was funny. Anyway, back to the matter at hand," he growled, his amusement gone as quick as a breath as he stepped back from the edge of the Merry, watching as Iceburg and company came aboard. I winced in anticipation, and grudgingly moved back to give him some space, an action that Paulie, Kalifa, and Kaku mirrored with some surprise as Franky and Iceburg started literally butting heads the _second_ the mayor noticed the cyborg.

"What the hell are you doing here, Ice-For-Brains?" Franky snarled. "And what's with that rat in your pocket?"

"First of all, Flunky, Tyrannosaurus is a _mouse_ and he is a perfectly sensible choice for a pet, surpassing those two behemoths you took in," Iceburg responded with equal venom, not backing down even an inch in spite of the fact that he had to be _fully_ aware of the fact that he didn't stand a chance against the cyborg in a straight-up fight. "And second, I should be asking _you_ what _you're_ doing here. When have you ever built anything seaworthy that ended in something other than disaster?"

"Uh…" Leo slowly raised a flipper. "Are they… _always_ like this?"

Paulie heaved a sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Sadly, _yes._ Seriously, half of Water 7 sets their clocks to these damn fights…"

"Half nothing, I take my lunch breaks whenever they clash," Kaku scoffed.

"It's like watching a shipwreck…" Mikey whispered in awe. "You know it's horrific… but you just _can't_ look away."

"HA! This coming from the guy who never built anything seaworthy, _period?_ You may have the best in the world working for you, but what have _you_ ever done for a ship?"

" _I've_ never made anything seaworthy!? Oh, that is absolutely _rich_ coming from you, you two-bit metal-brained—"

" _ENOUGH!"_

Everyone froze when a very loud and, more importantly, very _slurred_ voice roared out, demanding everyone's attention.

My blood froze in my veins as I slowly turned to observe the speaker. "Oh, God, no…" I whispered. "What the hell is _she_ doing here!?"

Apparently, Franky and Iceburg were of the same opinion.

"G-Granny Kokoro!?" Franky sputtered incredulously.

"What on earth are you doing here, ma'am?" Iceburg asked in confusion.

"W-What'm I doin' here?" the incognito icefish mermaid scoffed drunkenly as she hopped off of the Merry's railing and staggered forwards. "Z-Zat should be obvioush, conshidering that I _called_ you boysh here! And ash for why you're here…" She took a deep swig from the bottle she was carrying before continuing. "I brought youshe here sho zat we can put thish _shtupid_ feud a' yers on pause long enough fer you ta help theshe nishe people!" She paused as she swayed on her feet before jabbing a thumb over her shoulder towards the ocean. "Alsho, I came here wish Chimney an' Gonbe ta ride out tha Aqua Laguna."

"Hi Big Bro Franky, hi Big Bro Iceburg!" a chipper young voice called out from below the Merry's railing. "Gonbe and I are gonna go and wait for you at the hotel, alright, Granny?"

"Shur thing, Chimney, have fun!" Kokoro waved over her shoulder.

"We will! Bye everyone!"

"Bye guys!" a far more familiar voice shouted up.

I shot an incredulous look at Soundbite. "Sylvester? Seriously?"

" _No clue why,_ **but I got 'cat'** FROM THAT RABBIT _**for some reason,"**_ the Baby Transponder Snail shrugged.

"Now, where wash I…" Kokoro frowned as she scratched her temple with the lip of her bottle. "Ergh, might have hit the booze a bit too hard after hearin' Yokozuna talk…"

Soundbite promptly looked away and started whistling desperately, cold sweat coating his tiny body as I pinned him with a glare.

Unfortunately, Kokoro managed to snap her fingers and bark out a relieved laugh. "Ah, yeah, now I remember! I'm here to get you two dumbasses to shtop acting like idiots and get you two tah play nice again, like the good ol' days!"

Both men and myself immediately froze, the old apprentices exchanging glances before they began uttering frantic denials.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Kokoro cut them off with a slurred bark. "The Straw Hats are decent folk, and _you've—"_ She jabbed a shaky finger in Iceburg's general direction. "Got some a' yer most trusted workersh with ya'. No one's ain't gonna tell no one _nothin'_ , so you're gonna drop the bullshit and be good for _ten minutesh,_ got it!?"

It was only the fact that I was focusing on the two incognito agents out of the corner of my eye that allowed me to note the brief look they shot at one another behind Paulie's back. It was there for less than a second, but it was enough to tell me that we were _screwed_.

"Ah, please pardon the intrusion, Lady Kokoro!" Well, that and the fact that Kaku took the opportunity to raise his hand and speak up. "But what exactly are you talking about? Are you saying that Franky and Mayor Iceburg have a past? I thought that they hated each other? Well…" He trailed off and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Not that I can particularly blame the mayor due to Franky's rampages…"

"Among other things," Iceburg agreed.

"Watch it, square-nose," Franky started to warn the carpenter...

"BEHAVE!"

"AGH!"/"OW!"

Before Kokoro moved faster than anyone her age and with her lack of sobriety had any right to and grabbed Franky and Iceburg's ears, yanking them hard as though they were little more than unruly children.

"Now, lishen up!" Kokoro slurred as she held the two most powerful men on the island at her mercy. "These two? Yeah, they've alwaysh hated each other, that'sh a fact, but _once_ upon a time, they were at leasht able to _work_ togesher to make great shings, great shings! An' considerin' what I saw an' felt earlier today, theshe people here!" She jerked her head in our crew's general direction. "Desherve noshing less than the very best poshible! Noshing lesh than what Tom's Workers were capable of, do you hear me?!"

Franky stiffened as he shot a terrified look at Kokoro. "Damn it, Granny, I know you're sloshed right now, but will you _please_ think about what the hell you're—YEOW!" The cyborg was cut off by a particularly vicious yank.

"You shink I _haven't_ shought thish over?" Kokoro said with a drunken glare. "None of us have been the shame shince Tom died, I'll admit, but thish crew'sh different! Thish crew holdsh as much promise as Roger'sh did, if not more! And wish everything that their old ship hash gone through? Jusht take a shecond, the bosh of you, and _lishten to thish ship."_

All fell silent for a few seconds. Then everyone, even CP9, shivered as another wave of emotion rolled over us all, this one an undeniable feeling of gratitude. There was a moment of silence before Kokoro spoke up again.

"There, you shee?" she demanded firmly. "Thish crew's ship lovesh 'em! And they love it! Thish crew ashked for the besht that they could get, comparable to Roger'sh Jackshon, and they _desherve_ it!" Kokoro huffed and panted for a moment before bowing her head morosely. "There'sh only one way that they can get a ship like that. Only one way to get a ship sho… sho _incredible._ " She looked up and pinned her two surrogate sons with a determined look, pure steel cutting straight through the haze of the alcohol. "So, I say… I say that we bring this _damned_ company back to life… one more time, just _one more time_. Just long enough for Tom's two successors, Iceburg and Cutty Flam, to come together and build the Oro Jackson's successor, this little ship's successor… for the sake of Roger's successor."

While Franky and Iceburg looked away from Kokoro in a combination of shame and thought, I myself was reflecting on her speech. In my opinion, it was the most awesome, heartwarming and nightmarish thing I'd ever heard. The awesome and heartwarming bits were pretty obvious, sure, but as for the nightmare…

My heart dropped into my gut as I watched Kaku and Kalifa's empathetic masks slip for just a moment, for just an _instant,_ revealing the naked steel hiding below. And then they were back in place, utterly flawless.

The nightmare came in the form of the fact that CP9 had just located their target beyond a shadow of a doubt _and there was little to nothing I could do about it._ The only way this _wasn't_ going to play out exactly as badly as it did in canon was if we took those two down right then and there, and there was no way that I'd be able to rationalize that to Iceburg or Franky unless I could prove that they were CP9. If we attacked them without proving that, we'd instantly earn the ire of the whole island, and things would go just as badly as they did in the story. If I tried to unmask them and didn't succeed, I'd just paint a bigger target on my back for them to deal with. And honestly, for all that I knew about them, there wasn't anything I could think of that would result in Franky and Iceburg having any reason to believe me—

"Hey, shouldn't Sanji, Chopper, and Robin be back by now?" Luffy asked obliviously. "I'm _hungry!"_

"…Now that you mention it, I didn't give them that much cash, they shouldn't be taking this long," Nami remarked, looking towards the town with a frown. And at that moment, Iceburg and Franky both stiffened and looked back at us.

"…Before I agree… allow me to clarify something: you have _Nico Robin_ as part of your crew?" Iceburg asked with ill-concealed coldness.

I processed that tone for a second, and then I suppressed a massive sigh of relief. That was the opening I needed, it was the _one thing_ that could make those two break cover immediately. But I had to be careful.

"Yeah, she's part of our crew, our archaeologist. Why do you ask?" I posed.

Iceburg stared at me for a few moments before shaking his head. "No, it's nothing—"

"Don't give me that," I cut in. "You obviously have some kind of issue with Robi—oh, wait." I cut myself off with an exaggerated snap of my fingers. "Let me guess: you actually _believe_ what the Government says about her, don't you."

Iceburg blinked, and I raised a hand to my face, sliding it down both in a clear show of exasperation and as a means of hiding my mouth as I hissed instructions to Soundbite. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nami and Zoro cock their heads before casually heading into the storeroom and leaving the door open.

"You actually think that she wants to destroy the world?" I forged on once they were gone. "That she sunk six battleships on her own when she was _eight?_ Seriously, Iceburg, you're smarter than that: if I've proven anything with my show, it's that you can't trust everything that the Government says. In fact… you and Franky should know that better than anyone."

Both of them stiffened and seemed a second from reacting with hostility. I cut in quickly before they could get the chance. "And that's just another one of the many injustices that drove me to start the SBS in the first place."

That gave them pause, and they both relaxed marginally. Franky stared straight at me. "You and your impossible knowledge… what exactly are you trying to say?"

I sighed, and folded my arms, choosing my words _very_ carefully. "I'm trying to say that Robin's only interest—and the only interest of the archaeologists of Ohara, for that matter—was, is and always has been history. Let me paint you a picture as for you: before she joined us, she read the Poneglyph that bore the location of one of the Ancient Weapons, Pluton, in a tomb that was falling to pieces around her. And the fact that it didn't contain the history she was looking for after what she went through to be able to read it devastated her enough that she consigned herself to die, buried alive among the stone."

I let that sink in for a second before nodding my head at our captain. "Luffy saved her life against her will, and that's why she came onboard with us; since then, she's _become_ one of us. And trust me when I say that bringing up the lies that the Government told about why she has her bounty is something that we won't stand for, me in particular!"

Iceburg and Franky both stared at me and looked around the rest of the deck. There was nothing but solidarity there. Finally, they looked back at me, and Iceburg spoke quietly.

"How certain are you that she has no interest in reviving the Ancient Weapons?" he asked.

"I bet my life on it," I said, staring him straight in the eyes. For the longest time, he searched me for any sign of deceit. Finally, he sighed and closed his eyes.

"…Franky. If Nico Robin has no interest in reviving Pluton and the only Poneglyph with its information is buried, then there's only one course of action to take now," he said quietly.

Franky nodded with a solemn chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, don't need to tell me twice. Shame, though…" He clicked his stomach-fridge open and started absentmindedly rummaging through it. "I _really_ wanted to use at least _some_ of these designs…"

"Huh?" Kokoro looked between her two old friends in shock. "Are you saying you're gonna do what I think you're gonna do? Are you two really gonna do that to Tom's gift?"

"It's more the curse of the company than anything," Iceburg replied, scratching the back of his head with a wry chuckle.

"Yep, this thing's been nothing but a ball and chain," Franky concurred as he started to draw his arm out of his gut. "To be completely honest? I won't be sad to see this thing bur—!"

Time seemed to freeze as the cyborg drew his hand into the air, a sheaf of papers in his hands, and brought them level with his head.

One second Kalifa and Kaku were standing by a thoroughly confused Paulie, the next they were standing before Franky, hands outstretched as they _desperately_ reached for some of the most dangerous pieces of paper in the world—

_FWOOSH! "YEOW!"_

And the second after that found everyone—save Franky, who was dancing around and flailing his burning hand in terror—staring at the burning, tar-covered mass that had once _been_ some of the most dangerous pieces of paper in the world.

"To answer your question…"

All eyes turned from the fire to both me and the happily panting dog-gun who I was kneeling by and petting proudly. I stared Kaku and Kalifa dead in the eyes as a sadistic smile spread over my face. "Yes, I _did_ do that on purpose. Spandam won't be happy, will he?"

They tried. They tried _so hard_ to keep their calm, it was both admirable and a little sad.

But ultimately, the carpenter and the secretary's calm masks shattered, revealing rictuses of pure, unholy _rage_ bubbling beneath.

" _You're dead,"_ they intoned in voices utterly devoid of emotion. They then proceeded to become human blurs—

_CLANG!_

Before coalescing into visible figures a few feet away from me, raised legs struggling against thin air.

I chuckled at their shell-shocked expressions. "And now, you just broke cover. Forget that pathetic excuse for a human being that you call a chief, _Lucci_ is going to be _furious_." I shook my head as I spread my arms in a 'what can you do' manner. "You two picked the wrong person to try staying undercover in front of; _nobody_ withstands my words."

"Now, if only you could find a way to do more with _less,_ you bigmouth," Nami's voice chuckled from the air directly in front of Kalifa. Or rather, from _beneath_ the air, which proceeded to melt away and reveal Nami and Zoro, who were standing before the assassins with their weapons drawn in order to block them. It was a _real_ credit to Nami's rapidly rising status as a badass that she wasn't even shaking as she blocked Kalifa's leg with the shaft of her Perfect Clima-Tact.

"Speak for yourself, witch," Zoro chuckled around Wado Ichimonji's hilt, looking like he was having the time of his life as he held Kaku's leg back with his other two swords. "Considering how every time he opens his mouth we get into a fight, I think I'm starting to actually _like_ hearing Cross talk."

"Before you two get it in your heads to start arguing," Vivi soothed as she stepped up behind the assassins, spinning one Lion Cutter by its chain while holding the other at the ready. "I formally suggest that we agree to disagree. Agreed?"

"Agreed," the mates concurred.

"OK, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" Paulie suddenly roared, apparently having gotten fed up with being kept in the dark.

"Yeah, Cross, what is going on?" Luffy said, tilting his head with _such_ a degree of innocent confusion that you could just about see the question mark hanging over his head.

"DAMN IT, YOU'VE BEEN HIDING STUFF FROM US AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU!?" Usopp sobbed from where he was hiding behind the mast.

"Heh, well, I for one don't mind!" Boss chuckled as he drew out his dart and let it swing like a pendulum. "I like to be surprised! It's pleasant, makes me feel all tingly inside! Ain't no other feeling like it! Ain't that right, boys?"

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the TDWS barked, falling into ready-positions as means of salute.

"Allow me to summarize!" I announced as I stood up and clapped my hands. "These two, along with two others on this island, are deep-cover infiltrators from the World Government's covert hit-squad, Cipher Pol No. 9. Their mission was to gain the trust of the citizens of Water 7 so as to search out and acquire the blueprints for the Ancient Weapon Pluton, which Lassoo just did us all the favor of _obliterating._ Now, see, I was _planning_ on playing things nice and subtle, derail their plans quietly and without the need for all this fanfare…" I turned my head to throw an acrid glare at Kokoro. "But _somebody_ just had to go and get hammered and then throw my timetable way off, didn't they?"

"Nagagaga!" Kokoro cackled as she scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Whoops! My bad, sorry! Nagagaga!"

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND LAUGH AFTER SHAMELESSLY SCREWING UP ONE OF MY PLANS, YOU DAMN HAGFISH!" I barked indignantly. Eesh, is _this_ how Nami feels whenever she goes all shark-teeth on us? Now I see why she's so irritable all the time.

"Icefish, actually!" Kokoro provided innocently.

"Ergh…" I scowled and ran a hand beneath my cap in an effort to calm myself down. "Alright, anyway, getting back on track…" I grinned malevolently as I slammed my fist into my palm. "How about we all join in on the time-honored pastime of beating World Government employees _senseless?"_

Kaku and Kalifa exchanged glances before the square-nose focused on me. "Clearly, Mister Cross, you've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of your knowledge," Kaku enunciated coldly, the smiling carpenter he'd been for the past five years dead and gone. "Regardless, I would recommend that all of you show restraint. Challenging CP9 is a thoroughly foolhardy action—"

"For the love of you-know-who," I rolled my eyes in genuine exasperation. "Have you ever heard the words 'situational awareness'? We. Are. _PIRATES!"_ I swung my arm out over the deck. "We fight the World Government on a matter of _principle,_ and we're already wanted _._ Your status as a 'Government Official' means _less_ than bupkis around here, dipshit."

Kaku stared at me for a few seconds before exhaling. "Well, that's half of my argument gone… but nevertheless, if you know this much, it's a safe assumption that you know how strong we are. Challenging us to a fight is suicidal."

"Give me a break," I snorted. "Now all you're doing right now is sticking out your giant nec— _er…"_ I surreptitiously coughed into my fist. " _Nose,_ and inviting us to try cutting it. Look around you, again!" I spun my finger in the air. "You guys might be bigshot badasses, sure, but us?" I jabbed my thumb at myself. "I know for a fact that we're in the top ten when it comes to this generation of pirates, and that's just our Captain and first-mate, who are _both_ present, I might add."

Luffy made his presence known by starting to tap his pipe in his hand, while Zoro's already savage smile widened.

"Even besides them, however, it's still 15 against 2."

"AHEM!"

I rolled my eyes again. "If you say so, Su. _16_ against 2. And while not all of those 16 can go frontline on a whim—"

"I'm fine up here, thanks!" Usopp called from the crow's nest he'd somehow climbed into and was aiming his slingshot from.

"—the rest of us—" I lowered my hand to Lassoo, who leapt up and transitioned into a form I could swing onto my shoulder. "Very much _can."_

Conis imitated my action by unslinging her Burn Bazooka and holding it in her customary reverse grip. Carue spread his wings and flashed his blades menacingly, and the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad slowly inched their way around the assassins, leaving them no means of escape. Kalifa let out a scoff.

"Numbers mean nothing. Allow us to demonstrate the formidability of the Six—"

_ZAP!_

Kalifa's eyes shot wide, a gasping scream escaping her lips as Nami nonchalantly disconnected the Clima-Tact's Thunder Rod and jammed it into her stomach, volts all but leaping off of it. The resulting charge left her stumbling back, coughing up smoke.

"Science lesson: be it a cloud or a body, Iron _still_ conducts electricity," Nami explained smoothly.

"Damn you—!" Kaku started to snarl.

_BASH!_

"GAH!" the assassin yelped, collapsing to his knees on account of a hundred pounds of pure metal slamming into his back with the force of an RPG.

"Strong Right," Franky enunciated coldly as he reeled his arm's chain in.

Caught off-guard, Kaku's defense must have slipped, because the next second he grunted in pain as one of Zoro's swords—Kitetsu the Third, naturally—pierced through his leg with ease.

"Stay down," the swordsman intoned viciously as he stuck Yubashiri in the suddenly still carpenter's face. "Or else I'll make sure that no one mistakes you for our sniper again."

"HEY!"

"It's true and you know it!"

Meanwhile, Kalifa _tried_ to make a run for it—

"Rope Action: Hangman's Knot!"

"GYAH!"

But didn't get far before Paulie joined in, his voice even colder than Franky's, his arm flicking out and binding Kalifa from head to foot and leaving her hanging upside down in a matter of _moments_.

Of course, Kalifa _tried_ to struggle—

"I wouldn't if I were you."

But she swiftly froze when she observed the knife Paulie was holding mere inches from her eye.

"And you'd better not say so much as a _word_ about sexual harassment," the ropemaster continued dryly. "Because I have heard _every_ joke you can imagine and I've been fighting it since day one, so don't even start, _traitor."_

Kalifa narrowed her eyes at her former colleague but didn't say anything further.

I hid a snicker behind my fist as I observed the interaction. "Seriously, Iceburg, how did you _ever_ deal with her? Honestly, I just don't see a lot of difference between the agent and the secretary. Hey, lady, on the remote chance that you _ever_ go undercover again, I think you could benefit from being a little more…" I made a show of thinking long and hard before snapping my fingers in faux-realization. "Oh, I know! Go for bubbly!"

_That_ got a reaction out of Kalifa in the form of her twisting her head to pin a murderous glare at me. "'Bubbly'," she repeated frigidly. "Excuse me if I think that that particular adjective would not be at all beneficial, _and_ if I refuse to take any advice from you, _brat."_

My smirk faded briefly, and then returned twice as strong. "Soundbite? A nice and localized Gastro-Phony, if you please."

"COMIN' RIGHT UP!" the gastropod cackled.

The next instant, Kalifa's complexion became an unhealthy shade green and she groaned as she clenched her eyes shut, visibly fighting against her own body. It was admittedly quite impressive.

Still, I spared her barely another glance as I turned towards Kaku. "And now for _you."_

The square-nosed carpenter panted desperately as he leaned his head up as much as he could, casting his eyes around in desperate search of escape before finally latching onto Paulie. "P-Paulie, please, listen to me!" he pleaded with such desperation that if I hadn't been listening for it I would have thought his stammer to be genuine. "I-I'm sorry for lying to you, but I _had to!_ The Government, y-you don't just _disobey it_ on a whim! I had to do what they ordered to survive, but I swear, the last five years have been the best of my life! J-Just let me go and things can go back to the way they've always—!"

_THWACK!_

The assassin's pleading was suddenly cut off by a fist smashing into the middle of his face and bouncing his head off the deck.

"You're fired," Iceburg announced grimly as he rubbed his bleeding knuckles, shooting a dark glare at Kalifa. "And don't even _think_ about using me as a reference."

The only response the assassin could muster was a tortured groan.

I smiled and started to say something—

"I PITY THE FOOLS!"

—when we all jumped on account of a very loud and _very_ black voice belting out of nowhere.

Of course, my confusion promptly turned to exasperation that made me facepalm when I noticed that the voice had come from Iceburg's breast pocket and that Soundbite was laughing his slimy ass off. "Someday, you are going to have to learn that you are not even _half_ as funny as you think you are."

"I'LL _BELIEVE THAT_ _ **when**_ **you-know-who SAYS IT! HAHAHA** _ **HEEHEEHEE**_ _HOOHOOHOO—Puru puru puru puru!—_ _ **eh? Ah, damn,"**_ Soundbite cut himself off with an exasperated roll of his eyes. " _It's like the world—Puru puru puru puru!—FREAKING TIMES IT!"_

"It probably does," I shrugged. "So, who's calling? Them?"

" _ **Nah, looks like**_ — _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **it's Pin—!"** Soundbite paused in horror. "— _ **KIE…"**_

I stiffened as realization hit me as well.

Pinkie.

_Chopper had Pinkie._

I grit my teeth in equal parts dread and anger as I slowly picked up the receiver. "…Do I… even need… to _ask?"_ I hissed vehemently.

"… _She tied Sanji into a pretzel when I wasn't looking, and then she was just_ gone," Chopper whispered solemnly.

"…I knew it. I knew it. I _fucking_ knew it! ROBIN, YOU IDIOT!" I snarled in frustration, furiously slamming my fist into the mast.

Zoro growled viciously as he yanked his blade out of Kaku's leg and turned to me. "So, what now, Cro—?"

It happened in an _instant_ , if that. One moment Kaku was lying flat on the deck, the next he'd spun into a handstand, wind whistling around him as he lashed out a Tempest Kick.

A Tempest Kick that didn't hit anyone on account of how it was aimed at Kalifa's binds instead.

Kalifa flipped herself over in midair the second she started falling, and the second her foot hit the deck she and Kaku were just… just _gone._

We all stared at the space the two had occupied moments ago in utter shock.

" **Well…** _ **SHIT,"**_ Soundbite summarized.

Thank God for the little shit's mouth, because it was _exactly_ the kick in the nads I needed to get talking again. "EVERYBODY INTO TOWN, NOW!" I belted out furiously.

Everybody jumped in shock at my sudden shout.

"Cross, what—?" Iceburg started to ask.

"These sick fucks specialize in playing _shadow games!"_ I explained. "If they get into town and manage to start talking to anyone before we get you in the public eye, they'll spin a yarn about how we _kidnapped_ you and Paulie and turn Galley-La and the _whole damn island_ on us! The name of their game is covertness and anonymity, so we _need_ to stay in the light! So long as plenty of people can see us, they can't do _shit!"_

Franky grunted in understanding and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Makes sense to me. Tell me who those bastards' allies are, and I'll get my boys to spread the word."

"The other two are Rob Lucci and Blueno _and yes I'm damn sure!"_ I cut off the incredulous answer he was seconds away from belting out. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And make sure that your boys _do not_ engage any of them in a fight, because they will _not_ hesitate to kill, and both of them have Devil Fruit powers! Any _other_ questions?!"

"Nah, sounds good to me," a thoroughly pissed Paulie snarled out as he hopped onto the Merry's railing. "I'll head to the railway—!"

"No!" I cut him off hastily. "They won't be headed there until tomorrow night!"

Paulie only needed a second to get the message and pale in horror. " _Laguna."_

"Exactly," I confirmed grimly before looking over at the Switch Station's master. "And should they manage to set out with it, there's only one way we'll be able to give chase."

Kokoro cackled eagerly as she took a swig from her bottle. "A high-speed pursuit, eh? Sounds fun! I'll go ahead and get Rocket Man oiled and ready to go! See ya if ya need it, Straw Hats!" And with that she leapt overboard and started waddling off.

"Everyone else!" I looked around at the crew. "Find Robin, find those bastards, and so long as they're not Lucci? _Beat them into the fucking ground!_ Now come on!" I slung Lassoo onto my back and strode towards the city.

"Mister Cross."

I paused with one foot on the Merry's railing and glanced over at Iceburg.

"Given the current circumstances," he stated solemnly. "I'll take whatever advice you have to offer at face value. But as soon as this conflict is resolved, I expect a _very good_ explanation for how you know what you do."

I didn't even hesitate to nod in agreement. "The second all's said and done here, one way or another, you'll find out _everything_ there is to know." I gave my as-of-yet uninformed crewmates a significant look. "And that's a _promise."_

Conis, Su, and the Dugongs smiled in acknowledgment before re-adopting serious expressions, the five martial artists diving overboard to traverse the canals and everyone else jumping to shore to start heading inland, firm determination on all of their faces.

I took a second to gather my wits before following them, heading into the city with all the stamina that I had built up since I came to this world, and finding that I was barely winded in doing so. The first thing I did was wave down the first free Yagara I saw. "Are you with the Union?" I asked frantically.

"Yeh! Cross, right? Whaddaya—?"

"Spread the word to however many members you have: help my crew, Iceburg, Paulie, Tilestone, Lulu, and the Franky Family. And hinder Rob Lucci, Kaku, Kalifa, and Blueno the bartender. And if a woman with long black hair and a black leather outfit shows up, take her straight to us. Hurry and spread the word, please."

The Yagara stared for only a second before nodding and speeding off. I put a hand to my forehead in an effort to calm myself; that would cover a lot more ground, I was sure, but would it be enough?

So considering, I started running again, scanning the crowd frantically for any sign of Robin, certain that I'd be able to catch at least a glimpse of her if I kept looking. I ran for the next ten minutes until I finally slumped over, catching my breath—

" **LOOK OUT!"**

"Say wha— _MMPH!?"_

And the next thing I knew I was being dragged into an alley.

**-o-**

"Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it—!"

"Will you shut the hell up, witch?"

" _Will you show some fucking emotion, you damn barbarian!"_ Nami snapped irately as she spun on her heel in order to jab her finger in Zoro's chest. "Listen you bastard, I know you have the emotional range of one of your _damn_ swords, but—!"

"HEY!" Nami jerked in shock as Zoro grabbed her finger and snarled point-blank in her face. "Let me make this clear: I keep my emotions under control because the last time I let them get the better of me in a life-or-death situation, I was almost cut in _half._ But we both know that I can do rage _really_ well, so don't think for even a _second_ I'm not pissed off about the fact that they've taken one of our crew, got it!?"

Nami fearfully stared at him for a second before letting her shoulders sag and looking away in shame. "I… I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, but—!"

"I know," Zoro cut her off, not even missing a beat as he strode past her. "Now come on. Let's go and get that moron back. With any luck, we'll be able to find her first, and I'll be able to break her nose _without_ the Love Cook getting on my back."

The navigator hesitated for a scant second before smirking and striding after him. "Leave some for me once you're done."

"— _the hell are you doing, Robin?!"_

Then both of them stopped cold as Cross' voice suddenly came from Brain, who was positioned on Zoro's shoulder.

" _I apologize for the subterfuge, Cross, but I didn't have a choice. If I'm going to keep my cover in place, I can't be seen in public."_

What was unmistakably Robin's voice came out next, casual as when they last met her.

"Oh, thank God he found her," Nami sighed in relief.

"Sounds more like she found him really," Zoro scoffed before speaking up. "Anyway, Cross, where are you?"

Cross, however, summarily ignored him. " _Your cover? What do you mean 'your cover'!? Aokiji might be a lazy ass, but he wouldn't keep things to himself forever!"_

Robin chuckled wryly. " _It would seem that for once I know more than you. Come with me, I'll explain when we're not out in the open."_

"The hell—?" Nami frowned in confusion before raising her voice. "Cross! _Cross!_ Damn it Cross, where the hell are you!?"

Once again, Nami was ignored and was instead answered by the sound of rattling metal. " _Geeze, Robin, did you have to yank me that hard? You slammed my transceiver into the wall!"_

" _Your_ indestructible _transceiver you mean?"_

"… _well, when you put it like that, I just feel silly."_

" **You are silly!"**

" _Quiet, you!"_

Zoro scowled grimly. "Damn, it must be another feature of that stupid box. We can hear him but he can't hear us."

"Damn it, if it's not one thing it's another with him…" Nami growled as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, before pausing as a thought struck her. "But… wait, if he's found Robin, then why hasn't he called us yet!?"

" _Woah, hey, wait up a sec, Robin!"_ Cross suddenly barked. " _I need to call up the others, let them know you're alright! At the least we can redirect manpower to take out the Cipher Pol that's buried in this town!"_

" _No, don't!"_

" _What?"_ Cross asked.

"What!?" Zoro and Nami chorused.

" _Robin—!"_ Cross started to protest.

" _I'm not asking you not to tell them, Cross,"_ Robin promised swiftly. " _I just need you to give me some time to explain in private. You know more about the delicacy of distribution of information than anyone on the crew, don't you?"_

" _I… well…"_ Cross trailed off hesitantly. " _When you put it like that…"_

Nami's eyes shot wide in alarm. "I'm not the only one who's getting 'she's playing him like a fiddle', am I?"

"Not a chance in hell!" Zoro cursed as he broke into a run down the street, with Nami close behind him.

" _B-But still, Robin!"_ Cross hastily rallied. " _The fact is that I'm just not going anywhere with you unless you can give me at least one_ damn good—!"

" _Might I add that while I was out and about earlier, I found a group of odd thugs in an alleyway that were beaten within an inch of their lives, sporting injuries that I recognized. I don't suppose you made contact with the Unluckies earlier, by any—?"_

" _Let's keep going, alright? Alright!"_ Cross grit out in an obviously strained voice.

"Oh yeah, she's _definitely_ playing him," Nami groaned.

"And he's swallowing it, hook, line and sinker," Zoro growled venomously.

Nami shot a dark glare at him. "Which is understandable when he really wants to trust her!"

Zoro matched her glare without hesitation. "After he's advocated being wary for so long!?"

Nami… didn't have a good answer to that.

A few seconds or so later, Robin's voice came up again, accompanied by the tell-tale sounds of a bar. " _In here, and try and keep your head down. Anonymity is key right now."_

" _Yeah, yeah, I got it,"_ Cross waved her off dismissively. A second later there was the bending of leather as Cross and Robin sat in a booth. " _Alright, we're here and we're seated. Now what?"_

" _Well, first…"_ There was the clink of a mug being set down. " _Here, best you have something to drink, you look like you're about to collapse. I'm assuming you like root beer?"_

" _Oh, hey, thanks!"_ Cross smiled thankfully. There was a greedy slurp, and then a firm slam. " _Don't change the subject, Robin. Talk fast, or I call everyone and get them to fall on this place like a_ hammer."

Robin was silent for a moment before chuckling lightly. " _Ah, it's only been a few hours, but I've missed this. I'm glad you're the one I found first, Cross. I take it that you expected CP9 to make contact with me?"_

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air, and Robin's smile became a smirk. " _I'm assuming you thought the worst when I left Sanji and Chopper, and I honestly don't blame you. For the record, I do apologize for what I did to Sanji, but he was sticking a little too close to me."_

" _Eh, don't worry about it,"_ Cross waved her off. " _He's most likely fine by now, and to be honest? So long as he had a clear view of you during the whole thing, he probably_ liked _it."_

"Damn it, cook…" Nami and Zoro ground out.

Robin chuckled lightly. " _Indeed, indeed… anyway, let me clarify: I have not betrayed the crew. In order to explain my actions, well…"_ The archaeologist hummed contemplatively before smiling. " _I can only assume that I've picked up a few too many of your habits, considering that among the first thoughts to come to mind when CP9 made contact was 'counter-infiltration'."_

A pause, and then Cross' jaw dropped. " _You're… You're running a_ long con? _Against CP9!? Robin, you have_ got _to realize just how incredibly risky that is! I know that you're in relatively close to them in terms of training, but—!"_

" _Considering everything you've done with the SBS, I don't think you have any right to criticize me on riskiness, Cross,"_ Robin replied, in equal parts dry amusement and seriousness. " _I am well aware of what CP9 is capable of, and as long as they believe I'm cooperating, the danger should be minimized."_

" _Mmph, well, when you put it like that…"_ Cross muttered, his voice warping slightly in such a way that indicated he was speaking into his mug. " _Considering how the bastards have most likely gone to ground by now, I'll take any advantage that we can get."_

" _Precisely,"_ Robin nodded solemnly. " _So, you'll agree that my going with them was necessary?"_

Cross shrugged slightly. " _So long as you acknowledge the dangers of the task, I suppose that I can agree that this was a smart move. BUT STILL!"_ Nami and Zoro jumped when Cross suddenly yelled… with a slur in his voice? " _There's something you should know. Something very… very important. I know that, that right now this may not seem important, but I am officially declaring this the biggest deal in the world. It's… It's, ah… ergh, my head feels… feels… I feel stuck. Stuck in the bottom of the well with little Nancy. It's cold and dark and… I'm confused… Soundbite, is it normal for a teenage girl like myself to be so disoriented?"_

Nami and Zoro both stopped and stared at the snail in sheer disbelief.

"… _**ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH OR SOMETHING!?"**_ Soundbite demanded, voicing their own unspoken thoughts.

" _Eh…?"_ Cross blinked blearily. " _What? No, not at all, I—! I… I, ah… wait a second…"_ Cross fell silent as the sound of sniffing came over the connection. "… _Ah… Robin? Call me drugged, but I think I may be crazy."_ There was a moment of silence as Brain blinked blearily. "… _No, wait, I got that… that… wait… wait a—!"_ The baby snail's eyes suddenly shot wide as terror surged through them. " _What bar are we in, Robin!?"_

Nami's heart dropped as the snail's expression flipped to one of utter sorrow. " _Please don't fight them, Cross, it was the only scenario where they wouldn't cripple y—"_

" _Enough."_

If Robin's expression had made her heart drop, the muffled voice that cut her off made Nami's blood _freeze._

" _Give me the snail,"_ the voice continued grimly.

" _SON OF A—LASSOO, MAUL,_ MAUL!" Cross barked at the top of his lungs.

"RRRRGH!" Lassoo growled viciously, nothing less than bloody murder in his voice. "RUFF RUFF RU—!"

_THWACK!_

"— _KAI!"_

" _Mangy mutt,"_ the voice grunted. " _Now stop resisting and give me the snail or else—!"_

There was the sudden thwack of metal meeting flesh.

"… _Damn it all, Cross,"_ Robin sighed miserably.

Cross smirked dispassionately. " _Did you_ really _expect_ anything _less from—?"_

_CRUNCH!_

"CROSS!" Nami screamed desperately when Brain spat up blood over the sound of bone snapping.

" _Grrggrgghhh…"_ Cross gurgled miserably.

" **YOU** FUCKING _**FUCK!"**_ Soundbite roared. " _ **Fucking try to**_ pick me up, **I'll turn your hand into—!"**

" _I don't doubt you would, Soundbite."_

" _ **HEY,**_ WHAT ARE YOU—!?" Soundbite squawked over the tell-tale squirch of someone picking him up against his will.

" _But would you do it to me?"_

And just like that, Soundbite fell silent, his jaw flapping uselessly. Then came a sound like glass clinking, followed by a startled yelp.

Soundbite's was clearly horrified, then he swiftly adopted a pleading expression. " _Robin, please,"_ he begged—no, _Cross's voice—_ begged desperately. " _This isn't right, you_ know _this isn't right. You know that none of the crew wants this—GRGH!"_ And just like that, 'Cross' was cut off in a strangled yelp.

" _This isn't about what the crew wants, Soundbite,"_ Robin replied quietly. " _This is about what_ I _want. And what I want is for the only friends I have in the world to be safe. And if this is the only way to be sure that the Government will stop targeting you… then so be it. And I advise against breaking that vial, considering that it's filled with salt."_

There was a pained gurgle of blood and coughing, and Cross spoke with obvious effort. " _You…_ idiot. _This won't… accomplish anything… Y-You can't stop us… from following you…"_ he whispered.

" _I suggest that you restrain yourself, Jeremiah Cross."_

Another new voice, and this one was… flat-out _evil_. " _Our arrangement with Nico Robin is that provided she follows our every command, the Government will refrain from targeting the remainder of the Straw Hat Pirates. However, something as foolhardy as attempting to rescue her would be a dealbreaker."_

There was a moment of silence. Then...

" _Rob Lucci…"_ Cross bit out through a bloody smile. " _Mind... leaning closer? I've got an idea... for a new way to skin a—!"_

_THWACK!_

" _Guh… damn... pussy… cat…"_ Cross slurred before his eyes rolled upwards and he _thankfully_ fell unconscious.

The first voice cocked an eyebrow. " _Brutal."_

Brain then proceeded to grimace. " _I believe that this is the definition of harming someone for their own good,"_ Robin whispered sadly. " _He really_ never _knows when to keep his mouth shut."_

" _Clearly,"_ Lucci's voice snarled. " _Now, I believe you were going to hand over the snail? And the bazooka as well, their abilities will be better suited for the—"_

" _Our agreement was to leave the remainder of the crew alone,"_ Robin interrupted sharply.

" _Do you seriously expect us to consider a couple of animals on equal ground with humans?"_ said the first voice.

The surrounding temperature suddenly dropped by a matter of degrees. " _Let me remind you of something, Cipher Pol Number Nine,"_ Robin stated frigidly. " _The only reason I'm coming quietly is that you've promised that if I do, you'll leave my crew alone. This applies to all eighteen of them, human and otherwise. I assure you that if you attempt to compromise on that at all, I will render it_ impossible _for you to take me alive. One way…_ or the other."

Nami and Zoro swiftly grasped the implications, and whatever doubts they'd been harboring in the deepest, darkest corners of their minds about Robin's loyalty died fiery deaths. Then the archaeologist sighed.

" _All we need to do is take the transceiver. Without the SBS, the Straw Hats are no more dangerous than a typical Grand Line pirate, Cross even less so."_

"… _So be it,"_ Lucci stated, and there was a clear sound of rustling leather and metal. " _For the time being, however, we'll need to deposit them somewhere that the rest of the crew won't think to lo—KA-LICK!"_

For a few minutes, all Zoro and Nami could do was stare at their Baby Transponder Snail in horrified silence.

Finally, Nami forced her jaw to work. "I'll take Brain and tell everyone else, you keep hunting?" she whispered numbly.

"Yup!" Zoro grunted as he tossed the baby snail into her hands and broke into a run down the street.

"Shit shit _shiiit…"_ Nami hissed frantically as she punched in Pinkie's number. "We need to find them soon, or else, or else…" She lapsed into silence as she bit her lip.

**-o-**

The first thing I processed as I woke up was that I was sporting a _splitting_ headache. The second thing was a lack of comfort. Grimacing, I leaned up with a tortured groan and blinked around blearily. My vision blurred and wavered slightly as I tried to concentrate—

SPLASH!

" _GAH!"_

—but that all went away when I was snapped awake by almost a gallon of water smashing me in the face.

"Ackphbt!" I hacked and shook my head in an effort to clear my vision.

For whatever reason, I was standing in the mouth of a trash-filled alleyway, covered in a goodly amount of garbage myself. However, that garbage didn't last that long…

Because it was raining absolute buckets and the canal in front of me was _violently_ overflowing _._

I turned my gaze up at the cloud-filled sky, unable to suppress a whimper of terror. " _Laguna."_ I'd missed a full _twenty-four hours!?_ What the hell happened to me!?

" _MMPH!"_

I snapped my attention to the ground, and was greeted with the sight of a gagged Soundbite making his sluggish—er, snailish—way towards me… and sporting a large steel case bound shut with a manual latch.

I snatched up Soundbite and worked the obstruction out of his mouth. The instant his airway was clear, he burst out, "LASSOO'S _in the_ _ **case,**_ **he doesn't have enough SPACE TO** _ **TRANSFORM!**_ "

"Right, got it, gimme a second," I nodded wearily as I staggered towards the box and undid the latch, allowing the dog-gun to headbutt his way out with a greedy gasp.

"I… fucking… _hate boxes…"_ Lassoo gasped thankfully.

"Glad to see you're both alright, and I'm sorry to rush you, but can either of you _please_ tell me what just happened?!" I demanded.

"YOU FIRST!" Soundbite shot back.

"I'm with the snail," Lassoo nodded in agreement. "Your head took more of a beating like than the rest of us combined, are you sure you're alright?"

I groaned in aggravation. "No, guys, I'm fine. I've got a headache, but I'm more annoyed than anything, just tell me what-eh?" I paused as I rubbed my head, and in the process dislodged an unfamiliar weight from the top of it that I hadn't noticed before. I blinked before bending over and picking it up. Then a firestorm of emotions hit me as I processed exactly what it was.

A hat. A black, leathery cowboy hat.

I huffed and panted as my brain finally connected the dots of the last few memories I had… at which point my lips split in a vicious snarl. "Alright… correction. I'm more than just alright… I'm _pissed."_

**Cross-Brain AN: Yes, we realize that this chapter is late. Apparently, we've set our standards too high after all. So, henceforth, we're doubling our time. We will still** _**strive** _ **to update weekly, of course, but from now on, our deadline will be** _**bi** _ **weekly updates. It's either that or we keep falling behind, and I think it's clear which is worse between the two.**

**Xomniac AN: Sorry everyone, we might write like gods, but we're only human.**


	8. Chapter 8

### Chapter 41: Chapter 38: To The Gates Of Enies Lobby! No Crew Member Left Behind!

### Chapter Text

"Alright, alright, that's good… and do you hear any ringing?"

"No, Chopper, I don't," I sighed in the tone of the long-suffering. "Now, can you please let me catch up on the current situation so that we can get to _saving Robin?"_ I held up my fist with an irritated glare. "Unless you want to check _yourself_ for a concussion instead?"

"Ack!" Chopper flinched back and grinned nervously. "Ahaha… well, you seem to be mostly alright. I-I'll just go ahead and bandage you up, alright?"

"Yeah, you go ahead and do that," I grumbled.

"Still, though, at least _try_ and be careful, alright?" Chopper pleaded with me. "Concussions are no laughing matter!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I waved him off with a tired sigh. "But seriously, if the monsters on our crew can take them without worry, I'm sure I'll get off without any lasting damage."

"Mmm… well, when you put it like that…" the diminutive doctor hummed in a clearly dissatisfied manner. "Still, I'll be keeping you under observation just in case."

I blinked in confusion. "Observing me for what?"

Chopper snapped his hoof up and opened his mouth to say something, before snapping it shut and electing to simply walk away.

Shaking the strange exchange off, I instead focused on getting my memories of the past hour or so in order.

Waking up in the backstreets—that is, directly in the path of Aqua Laguna—would have been a disaster considering how close the tsunami was, were it not for the fact that Soundbite's Gastro-Amp immediately alerted the crew and the Galley-La search party they were with to my location. One very outstretched arm had me reunited with the rest of the crew… though Luffy's typical ham-handedness with his stretching caused no small amount of pain, and resulted in me losing consciousness yet again before waking up at the dock where Rocketman was hidden, which was where Chopper was running me through his typical concussion protocol.

Fortunately, now that I had him off my back, I could properly process the current situation. A few faces were missing, but I was a bit too distracted at the moment to properly take stock of who, mentally reviewing the conversation I'd had with Zoro and Nami after waking up.

After the conversation they overheard—apparently something about a favorites list that Pinkie and the Brain had registered themselves in when Soundbite and I weren't looking—the rest of the day was quiet. Lucci had vanished by the time Iceburg returned to Galley-La, and though the remaining foremen and the Franky Family had literally torn Blueno's Bar apart from the foundation up looking for clues, they didn't find anything.

Iceburg had tried to help by attempting to halt the day's Puffing Tom on its way to Water 7 and rob the Cipher Pol of its primary escape route, but that hadn't worked out so well. Specifically, CP9 must have managed to compromise the chain of communication at one point or another, because rather than halting at Blue Station, the Puffing Tom roared right through it at top speed and chugged on to Enies before anyone could stop it, thus securing a means of escape for the agents.

Still, not ones to be deterred, the crew had converged on Iceburg's manor to protect both him and Franky—much to the cyborg's protests—from any possible attempts on their life, while the Galley-La Foremen stood guard at the Blue Station. With the Monster Trio standing guard over Tom's apprentices, it was presumed that the agents wouldn't dare to try anything.

What nobody had accounted for was the possibility that they would straight up attack the _island_ itself.

And by that, I mean that after over 24 hours of complete silence from CP9, the assassin cell demonstrated that they were most _definitely_ employees of the World Government by detonating dozens, if not _hundreds_ of explosions all across the city mere hours before Aqua Laguna was due.

The first ones went off in the powder storage spaces for Galley-La and the the coal storage at Blue Station—in order to snag the most attention, of course—and quickly spread out from there, forcing the crew to thin the defenses around the former apprentices.

I honestly think there's a very real chance that Tom could be deemed Water 7's patron saint sometime in the near future, because it was nothing short of an actual, legitimate _miracle_ that the casualty total from the attack was a scant hundred or so wounded and even less deceased, rather than the canals straight up running red with blood. Thankfully, it appeared that CP9 had been aiming to disrupt the infrastructure and sow pandemonium, rather than maximum body count.

Sadly, however, that was as far as the silver lining extended. In the midst of all the mayhem, Franky had managed to slip past his guards in an attempt to enter the fray himself and help out in whatever manner he could. Which, naturally, turned out to be a major mistake, considering how every account I'd heard said he all but vanished into thin air between explosions.

In all fairness, my crewmates hadn't been idle. They'd _tried_ to hunt down the assassins, tried to prevent them from reaching Blue Station and the Government-piloted Sea Train that steamed into the station under everyone's noses… but in the end, between providing relief efforts and the agents being _ungodly_ skilled at stealth, they just didn't stand a chance. Through sheer speed and surprise, the assassins managed to incapacitate or otherwise hamper anyone who managed to catch up to them before boarding the Puffing Tom and departing for Enies Lobby.

Of course, the fact that not everyone was here made it clear that we still had one chance left to get out of storming the Judicial Island, though it wasn't as though any of us _weren't_ planning on going at this point. The only thing _actually_ keeping us grounded for the time being was that the Cipher Pol bastards had _somehow_ gotten wind of Rocketman and managed to detonate a brick of explosives in the runaway engine's boiler. Hence, we were currently stalled for as long as it would take Iceburg to finish repairing the speed demon's innards.

Under any other circumstances I'd probably have been impatient and antsy as all hell, but…

I winced and rubbed the back of my skull as I experienced what felt like a railroad spike being shoved into my cranium.

…yeah, no, I was going to take whatever delays I could get my hands on so long as it meant more time to get my head on straight. Still, even if I wasn't currently mobile, that certainly didn't mean I couldn't at least _try_ and gather information.

It was with that in mind that I surreptitiously waved Nami over while our doctor wasn't looking. "So, ah, don't tell Chopper, but my head's still actually still a little fuzzy and I'm having a hard time keeping my headcount straight, what with everyone moving around. I'm assuming that some of us, such as Sanji, managed to stow away aboard the Puffing Tom, right? Who's with him?"

"Weeeell…"

**-o-**

"Ah… ah… AH—MRPH!" Conis froze mid-sneeze, the involuntary reaction halted by a fluffy tail and a finger shoving themselves beneath her nose. She held her stance for a moment before relaxing and allowing herself to pop a thumbs-up, at which point the limbs left and she was able to don a sheepish smile. "Sorry, guys, somebody must be talking about me."

"And why would they not be, sweet Conis?" Sanji crooned softly. "Anyone who knows of you has every reason to want to talk about a most beautiful angel like you."

Su graced the cook with a flat look before spinning her paw in the air, no doubt indicating the rain cascading around them as they stood on the open-air balcony of the Puffing Tom's caboose.

Conis chuckled awkwardly as she nodded in agreement with her pet. "Yes, Su's right, I suppose it could also be on account of all this rain."

Sanji flinched out of his love-hurricane-mode with a sheepish chuckle. "Or that, yes…" However, his sheepish demeanor promptly snapped to dead serious. "It's almost time to get going. Conis, I have to ask you again, are you _certain_ that you want to do this? What you're offering to do is extremely dangerous, and I, your most valiant knight, will not be present to protect you."

Conis blinked in surprise before frowning in firm determination. "And I'll tell you the same thing that I told you when you tried to stop me from following you two back at Blue Station," she retorted. "I might be the newest member of the crew and I might not have as much experience in combat as the rest of you, but I am _still_ a member of this crew, Robin _is_ my crewmate, and I _will_ fight to save her no matter what. So, I _will_ be going into this train and I _will_ be serving as a distraction while you two make your way to Robin."

Conis smiled beatifically. "Of course, you can always take my place and fight those Government agents inside the nice and safe innards of the Puffing Tom. In which case I'll just have to take your place and walk across the slick and bucking back of this metal beast myself."

Sanji glanced up at the storm that was rapidly rushing by up above, as well as the water streaming off the slick metal of the train car, looking like he'd bitten into a lemon. "Ah… well, when you put it like that…"

"I'll be _fine,_ Sanji," Conis stated, pointedly slipping one of her pistols out of its harness and holding it up. "I know that I might not look like it, but the point stands that I _am_ a White Beret, well trained in the art of combat, and I've only gotten stronger since I joined you all." She hesitated for a slight moment before steeling her nerves… and leaning forward to peck Sanji on the cheek. "Go save Robin. I've got this."

For a scant moment, the cook was absolutely frozen. Then…

"I'M COMING, ROBIN-SWA~N!" a category-five Love Hurricane cried out as it shot up and over the roof of the traincar, its voice thankfully drowned out by the much _larger_ storm raging around it.

Conis took a moment to stare after her crewmate in befuddled awe before allowing her calm facade to collapse. The angel started to breathe in a heavy but nonetheless controlled manner as she brought her gun up and rested her forehead against its barrel.

"Alright, alright…" she muttered to herself. "Talk it through, just like you were trained. Current loadout: four single-barrel pistols, two in hip holsters, two in shoulder holsters. One sawed-off shotgun and one blunderbuss pistol modified to act as a grenade launcher, both across the small of my back. Two rifles on my back, side to side and angled from my left shoulder to my right hip. One Burn Bazooka on my right, angled from my right shoulder to my left hip. And as for ammunition, several dozen regular rounds and three dozen of Usopp and Chopper's custom shells. Opposition… an indeterminate number of World Government agents, all no doubt highly trained and all _certainly_ armed to their teeth. Overall analysis of the situation… I am _way_ outgunned. Recommended course of action…" She swallowed heavily and glanced up at the heavens. "Run like hell. Ooooh, this is going to _su—_ Ow!"

The White Beret was yanked out of her nascent panic by a soft huff from her hood, followed by the light nip of fangs on her neck.

Conis stared over her shoulder and met Su's flat gaze for a moment before smiling gratefully. "Sorry," she apologized in a thankful tone. "I was getting too caught up in my emotions, but you're right, enough waffling. And besides…" She looked forward with fresh determination. "I'm a Straw Hat." She pulled her goggles up from around her neck and over her eyes before unslinging another of her single-barrel pistols and holding it at the ready. "We _live_ to do the impossible."

And with that, the gunner squared her shoulders as she stood before the door to the Puffing Tom's caboose, her breathing slowed in anticipation. "Ready?" she asked softly.

"Su," Su huffed in agreement.

"Alright…" Conis grit her teeth. "Breaching in three, two—!"

Without further ado, Conis lifted her leg and snapped it out in a side kick. The lock and hinges of the door put up a brave fight, but nothing could save them from shattering almost instantly. The resultant force turned the door into a high-speed projectile of reinforced wood that cannoned down the middle of the car's aisle and bowled over almost a dozen government agents in the process.

Conis didn't wait even for the door to hit the back of the car before she dove into the caboose after it, rolling across the carpet before popping into a kneeling position with her guns raised.

"Pistol Unus, Duo," she whispered to herself before starting to unload. She managed to hit one, two, _twelve_ different Government agents that hadn't had time to take cover, winging them and effectively guaranteeing that they were taken out of the fight. Her guns now empty, she spun her pistols into her hip-holsters and stood up.

"Good evening, gentlemen," she announced, bowing politely at the waist. "I'm terribly sorry about this, but you're all in my way." She straightened up again, unslinging her blunderbuss even as she sported an angelic smile on her face. "And we just can't have that, can we? _Blunderbuss."_

The few agents that had the courage to peek their heads over their seats only had a second to gape in terror before she pulled the trigger, which in turn fired out a small black sphere. The projectile flew for a short distance before cracking against the far wall of the car—

_BOOM!_

—and violently detonating in a cloud of pink smoke.

Conis smiled in relief as she re-holstered her hand-cannon on her back, but promptly froze when she heard a loud click sound out immediately to the left of her head.

"Alright, pirate scumbag, put your hands up or else—!"

_CRACK!_

"—ARGH!"

The agent howled in agony as Conis suddenly _moved,_ grabbing his wrist with one hand and _demolishing_ his elbow with her other fist. Then, without missing a beat, she yanked him into a one-armed necklock and snatched his pistol out of the air. With her makeshift human shield dissuading any other agents from returning fire, she quickly gunned down another six of their number. Once the gun was unloaded, Conis grabbed her impromptu shield's collar and spun on her heel in order to get the appropriate momentum needed to _fling_ him into what few of his comrades had managed to regroup, thus sending them tumbling to the ground _again._

While the agents attempted to regroup themselves, Su scurried around Conis' body like a demented squirrel, drawing ammunition out of Conis' bag and pockets and reloading the weapons that she had fired. She clung easily to Conis' clothes as she moved from shoulders to hips and back again; by the time the agents were starting to get back on their feet, Su was back in place, and Conis had her weapons at the ready again.

Before the agents could properly draw their weapons, the angel drew both of her rifles over her shoulder and held them at ready. "Who would care to be next?" she said, smiling kindly.

Conis expected to receive any number of responses to her question, but _clapping,_ slow and methodical clapping at that, was most certainly _not_ one of them.

And she didn't expect it to come from above her either.

"Well, well, well," a cool and collected voice drawled, _also_ coming from above. "You're certainly an interesting individual, aren't you?"

Conis slowly looked upwards, and promptly felt her heart drop as she caught sight of a man twice as high as the train car who was somehow… _molded_ to the ceiling and back of the car, bent over at the waist.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" Conis breathed to herself, a sentiment that Su shared if the vulpine groan coming from her back was anything to go by.

The miniature giant smirked as he adjusted his glasses. "To be honest, I'm quite glad. I thought this mission would be boring with nothing to do, but I imagine that fighting you will be a worthwhile distraction… for however long you last, anyway." His grin widened as he drew his hands from his pockets and started tugging on the hems of the gloves he was wearing. "Allow me to introduce myself. The name's Jerry, of Cipher Pol 6. I like boxing and beating the tar out of criminals. Now, come on…" He drew his fists up and threw out a few practice jabs. "Put your dukes up and let's _dance."_

Conis swallowed heavily as she _slowly_ re-holstered one of her rifles and unslung her Burn Bazooka, cocking it in nervous anticipation.

"I hope that Boss is having an easier time of things…" she whispered to herself.

**-o-**

[This is most _definitely_ not a Man's Romance,] Boss muttered to himself as the wind, rain, and waves lashed at him. The Dugong was clinging to the edge of the Puffing Tom's cars, slowly inching his way towards the car Robin was in. Between the cold, the slick metal, and the necessity to maneuver around the windows, it was slow, unpleasant going.

[Well, actually…] He glanced upward thoughtfully as he slowly shuffled along. [On second thought, going through an ordeal such as this with the intent of rescuing a comrade, a female one at that, who gave herself up to try and save us? That is truly…] He pumped a flipper in the air. [A Man's Romance!]

He paused for a moment, then hung his head and sighed as he remembered that his students weren't with him.

[Knew I kept those shell-brains around for _something_ …] he muttered under his breath.

"Hey, did you hear something?"

Boss froze, barely two inches away from a window he'd almost missed in his musings.

"Oh, definitely. I mean, it's not like we're on a _train_ in a _storm_."

"Ah, c'mon, ease up on the sarcasm, man. This was different, something like a seal."

Boss ground his teeth and mentally hurled every curse he could think of as he only just refrained from bashing his skull against the train-wall. It was a long list.

"A seal." The Dugong could practically _hear_ the condescending, indulgent smile. "You heard a _seal_. A surfaced seal, in the middle of the _storm of the century_."

Boss started to sigh in relief…

"Yeah? Well, buddy, I've got a foolproof argument for you."

"Yeah? _What?"_

"We're in the middle of the _Grand Line."_

Before feeling his blood freeze in his veins.

There was silence for a moment, and then…

The window above Boss popped open and a World Government stooge popped his head out, staring straight down at Boss.

There was a tense silence as the pirate and the agent stared at one another.

The agent broke first, adopting an exasperated scowl. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—AGH!" The man was unable to finish his statement on account of Boss grabbing his collar, yanking him out the window, and tossing him into the sea in one fluid motion.

The Dugong snarled in frustration as he flipped onto the windowsill and snapped his dart out, spinning it in a circle as he took stock of the mob of agents readying for combat before him. Agents with a _lot_ of guns, he might add.

Moving fast, the Dugong leapt into the train car, rushed to the front and rammed his elbow into the lock of the door, warping it beyond use. With the agents' only possible route of egress blocked, he faced down his approaching foes with grim determination.

' _Sanji and camaraderie be damned,'_ he thought to himself. ' _That witch of an archaeologist_ owes _me for this, damn it!'_

**-o-**

"Ah, wait, hang on a second…" I held up my hand to stop Nami as a thought occurred to me. "You said that Sanji, Conis, Su and Boss are all on the Puffing Tom, right?"

"Yeah," our navigator nodded with a nervous smile. "They had to leave Brain at Blue Station so that the members of our crew still here on Water 7 could stay in contact, but while we were still connected, we could hear Conis giving Sanji _hell_. Seriously, she might not look or act like it at times, but that girl's got a will of—!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's impressive, believe me, I know," I waved Nami to silence. "Not what I was gonna ask." I nodded my head at where the rest of our crew was impatiently milling about. "My head feels less like it's being drilled open and more like there's just someone pounding around inside, so I've been able to get a clean headcount. If those four are the only ones who got on the train… then _where the hell is Usopp?"_

Nami and the rest of the crew stiffened as my words sank in before looking around frantically.

"What the _hell—!?"_ Nami demanded in shock.

"HEY, USOPP, WHERE ARE YOU!?" Luffy belted out at the top of his lungs.

"Did anyone see where he went?" Chopper asked nervously.

"Not a clue, sorry," Donny shrugged.

"Yeah," Raphey tacked on as she gnawed on the 'thumb' of her flipper. "Last I saw him he was pacing around muttering something about… lying better or something? I dunno, it was a bunch of gibb—!"

_FWOOMPF!_

"GAH!"

"THE HECK!?"

"WHAT THE—!?"

The cause for our distress was the fact that a freaking _explosion_ had gone off in the middle of the dock, spewing smoke everywhere and absolutely obscuring our vision.

For a second everyone started to panic, myself included, before freezing as a blast of noise roared out through the smoke. A gong, to be exact, followed by a guitar solo.

"THIS IS _NOT_ THE TIME, SOUNDBITE!" Nami roared.

" **THAT WASN'T** _ **ME!"**_ the snail snapped, before hesitating slightly. " _Or, well… IT ISN'T ANYMORE?_ _ **The hell does he think he's—!?"**_

"Soundbite, what's going on?!" I demanded as a brass section started to kick in. "What are you talking about? And why the hell does this song sound familiar?!"

" **Usopp had me** _ **play something for**_ **HIM AWHILE BACK,** AND HE RECORDED IT _**ON A TONE DIAL!"**_ Soundbite explained in a confused tone. " _But I have no clue_ **what he's—!"**

Suddenly, words cut through the music, and my gut and jaw dropped at the same time as I realized _where_ I knew this song from.

" _Oh, the wind carries my na~me! From Sniper Island far awa~y!"_

I finally got my jaw working and managed to roar over the cacophony. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, LONG-NOSE!?"

Unfortunately, going by how he kept plowing on, it seemed that he'd elected to summarily ignore me. " _When I take aim, it's straight and true! Lu-lu-la-la-lu~!"_

I ground my teeth as I glanced at Soundbite. "Where is he so that I can slap the stupid out of him?"

The snail immediately shook his head. " _He's bouncing_ **the music around THE ROOM, AND THERE ARE TOO** _MANY WORKERS IN HERE TO TELL_ _ **which is him!"**_

" _Whether you're a man or mouse: lock on!"_ Usopp proclaimed proudly. " _I will put your heart in my sights, LOCK ON!"_

_BOMF!_

"GAH!"

"AGAIN!? _SERIOUSLY!?"_

There was a renewed round of protests as a second explosion, this time a _smokeless_ one at that, suddenly detonated somewhere, the sheer force blowing away all the yet-lingering smoke and revealing a certain cloak-wearing individual perched on top of the Rocketman's smokestack.

"BEHOLD!" the cloak-wearer bellowed confidently. "I AM THE GRANDMASTER OF SNIPER ISLAND! THE FLAWLESS MARKSMAN, THE INFALLIBLE SHARPSHOOTER, HE WHO HAS FIRED A HUNDRED SHOTS AND MISSED NOT EVEN ONCE! I! AM! SNIPER—!"

_WOOOT!_

"GYAH!"

The cloak-wearer leapt off the Sea Train with an agonized holler when he was suddenly assaulted by a blast of steam hitting him from below. He then proceeded to unceremoniously faceplant on the dock.

"Will you stop screwing around, damn it?!" a grease-stained Iceburg demanded as he stuck his head out of the cabin's window. "Getting this hunk of junk moving again is hard enough as is without your bullshit impairing my vision!"

"Sowwy…" the cloaked man mumbled into the dock. He waited a moment for Iceburg to get back to work before popping up into a proud stance, finger jabbed in the air and his _very_ familiar mask on display for all to see. "BEHOLD!" Usopp proclaimed. "I AM SNIPER KING!"

"Are you serious?!" most of the crew demanded incredulously, myself included.

"SO COOL!" shouted Luffy, Chopper and… _the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad!?_

I snagged the back of Leo and Donny's shells and hauled them up the glare-level. "Don't tell me you two _actually_ buy this farce!?"

Leo snorted derisively. "With that nose? He wishes."

"But hey, you gotta give a man props where he's due," Donny shrugged. "The presentation is top-notch."

My eye twitched before I forced myself to drop the Dugongs and march towards my obviously _insane_ crewmate. "Pardon me, everyone, I need to have a _word_ with our… _guest."_ Before anyone could respond, I reached Usopp, spun him around so that he was facing away from everyone and slung my arm around his shoulders in such a way that it was _very_ clear I could headlock him if I wanted to. "Alright, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" I hissed under my breath.

The so-called Sniper King promptly began blustering. "W-Whatever do you mean, good sir? The entire world knows of the Straw Hat Pirates, even Sniper Island! Do you know where Sniper Island is, good sir? It's in—GRK!" 'Sniper King' stiffened in terror when I crushed him against me.

"I will rip 'Sniper Island' clean out of you and _show it to you_ unless you cut the bullshit. Do not test me, Long Nose, I have had a _hell_ of a day," I growled menacingly.

"Alright-alright-alright-alright!" Usopp yelped, straining to keep his voice at a whisper. "I'll explain, I'll explain, just don't break my legs!"

"I'll consider it _if_ you manage to satisfy me," I hissed. "Talk fast."

Usopp took a second to get his breathing under control before speaking. "L-L-Look, let's be frank, alright? I've done a lot of crazy shit on this crew and I love everyone on it, and I _want_ to save Robin, but _Enies Lobby!?"_ He shook his head vigorously. "You don't have the context that I have with that name, that _anyone_ in the world has with that name. We're _raised_ to fear Enies, it's the entryway to either heaven or hell if you're a civilian or, if you're a pirate, just two different kinds of hell! It's a location that's as bad as the _boogeyman!_ I-I-I want to be brave, but…" Usopp gazed miserably at his knees, which were shivering as they desperately fought to support him. "I-I can't, I _know_ I can't, I'm too scared b-but I _want_ to save Robin! So… So I'm compromising and taking _your_ advice."

"When the hell did I ever suggest doing _this?!"_ I demanded incredulously.

"W-W-Well!" Usopp flung his hand up, probably in an attempt to stop the fist I had cocked. "You told me that if I was having trouble building up bravery, that I should try lying to myself to convince myself that I could do it! And I tried that, I did, but no matter how badly I lied, I was too scared to go and fight alongside you all! So…"

My jaw dropped as realization hit me. "So you _made up_ someone brave enough to go in your place!?"

I could _see_ the shaky grin stretching behind his mask. "Pretty smart, huh?"

I rapped the butt of my palm against his forehead. "Does this _look_ like the face of someone who approves in any given capacity, you stupid—!" I started to hiss before pausing and forcing myself to take a few breaths and calm down. "Sorry, again, hell of a day, sporting a concussion, my temper's a little bit wild. But _Usopp,"_ I continued, shaking my head. "You don't _need_ to do that. Usopp, in the end, no matter how you cut it, all of the bravery that you manage as Sniper King is the same bravery you can manage as _yourself._ All of this is… unnecessary! You hear me?"

Usopp was pointedly silent for a moment before jerking his head to look away. I _felt_ a vein pop on my forehead, and I opened my mouth to continue chewing him out… when suddenly a much, _much_ more satisfying way to convince him came to mind. Plastering a smile on my face that I _knew_ looked fake, I loosened my grip on him and patted his back. "Well, if that's your choice, then I suppose that's that, nothing I can do about it!" I stepped to the side and gestured to the rest of the crew. "Go ahead, Sniper King, tell the rest of the crew why you're here!" I said warmly. Soundbite opened his mouth to say something, but I donned a sadistic grin as I popped a finger up to silence him. This… This was going to be _fun._

Usopp hesitated a moment as he tried to divine what kind of game I was playing, but he eventually elected to go back to his previous pose with his finger pointing in the air. "SNIPER KING!"

"SO COOL!" the usual suspects cheered again. However, unlike last time, Chopper paused shortly after cheering and tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"Ah… hey, Sniper King?" the Zoan-doctor raised his hoof questioningly. "Not that you're not really cool and everything, but why are you here?"

"Oh, yeah!" Luffy stuck his hand up as well. "And have you seen Usopp anywhere? He's our sniper and we can't find him!"

Usopp snapped into yet another pose, his fingers cradling his chin. "Your questions are fortuitous, for they both share the exact same answer! For you see, your comrade, Usopp, he told me of your plight." He held his fist before his face and shook his head in a most dramatic manner. "The injustice, the inhumanity! His words moved me like none before! Sadly, however…" The 'super'-hero crossed his arms and bowed his head solemnly. "For all that I could tell that your most skilled sniper wished to aid you in the rescue of your crewmate, he informed me that his will was just _not_ up to the task! As such, he begged me to take his place in your crusade and—!"

" _LIAR!" CRACK!_

"—GRK!" Usopp choked as he slammed to the ground at my feet, his nose bent _way_ out of shape. "Agh… what just happened?"

"Pfff—!" I snorted through the hand I was using to hide my smile. "You just tried to tell Luffy that one of his crewmates tried to run from a fight to save _another_ crewmate! What do you _think_ just happened?"

I could _see_ Usopp's eyes widen behind his goggles. "Ahhh, _shi—WAGH!"_ That was as far as he got before a Heavy Point Chopper grabbed his collar and hauled him up to both his and Luffy's apoplectic lines of sight.

"You're lying!" Luffy snarled, inches away from letting loose and _slugging_ Usopp again. "Usopp would _never_ run away, not now and especially not from this!"

"Yeah!" Chopper barked in agreement. " _Sure,_ Usopp can be something of a coward, sure, he might lie a lot, sure, he has so much practice at running that he's almost got Shave down pat—!"

" **GET ON WITH IT!"** the voice of God barked from on high, startling Chopper into dropping the masked sniper and allowing him to stumble back a bit as he rubbed his throat.

I blinked in realization. "Wow, I can't believe that _that_ was the first Monty Python reference I've ever heard you make."

" _Seriously?"_ Soundbite blinked in surprise. " **Eesh, I'LL HAVE TO** _try and make MORE!"_

" _Usopp wouldn't run away!"_ Luffy reasserted firmly, so filled with conviction that he failed to notice 'Sniper King' starting to twitch like someone trying to dance to will. . "Not today, not from this! No matter what, Usopp is our crewmate! He's brave, he's smart, he's…" Luffy paused for a moment before glancing to the side and whistling nervously. "He's really strong…"

"You know everyone can tell you're lying, right?" 'Sniper King' muttered as he twitched.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!" Luffy roared, causing him to jump in shock. "EVEN IF USOPP ISN'T STRONG, I KNOW HE WOULDN'T EVER RUN! USOPP'S MY _CREWMATE!_ I TRUST HIM WITH MY LIFE, AND I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW SCARED HE WAS, _USOPP WOULD NEVER RUN!_ HE'D STAY AND HE'D BEAT YOU IN ANY SNIPING CONTEST A MILLION TIMES—!"

" _DAMN IT_ , WILL YOU STOP MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT ALREADY?!" Usopp, _really_ Usopp this time, finally snapped with an infuriated roar as he ripped his mask off and threw it at the ground.

"USOPP!?" Chopper and Luffy gaped.

"Seriously, Chopper?" Zoro deadpanned.

The reindeer turned as pink as cherry blossoms and chuckled sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "I, ah, might have gotten carried away with how cool he was…"

"That's one thing to call him…" Nami scoffed before redirecting her attention to where Luffy was staring at Usopp in innocent confusion.

"Why the heck were you wearing that mask, Usopp?" he asked in an utterly clueless tone, which only caused Usopp to gain another infuriated tickmark.

"BECAUSE I WAS SCARED _SHITLESS,_ DAMN IT!" the sniper bellowed, even going so far as to flail his fists at his side. "WE'RE ABOUT TO RAID ENIES FUCKING LOBBY, THE GATES OF HELL THEMSELVES! ALL I WANTED WAS TO WEAR THAT MASK AND BECOME SOMEONE ELSE FOR A _FEW HOURS,_ SOMEONE BRAVE AND STRONG ENOUGH TO KICK ASS WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT PISSING HIS PANTS, AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE NIGHT NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?"

"Oooooh…" Luffy nodded slowly in understanding before chuckling sheepishly. "Well, if that's why, then that's alright. You can still wear the mask, I won't be mad!"

"LIKE HELL I CAN AFTER YOU SAID ALL THOSE NICE THINGS ABOUT ME!" Usopp spat. "THANKS TO YOU BEING SO DAMN NICE, IF I TRIED WEARING IT NOW, I'D FEEL GUILTY AS ALL HELL! I PUT ALL THAT WORK INTO IT AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE _BUT_ TO FORGET THE DAMN THING! THIS DAMN MASK—!" He raised a foot high...

" _IS TOTALLY USELESS!"_

_CRACK!_

And brought it down _dead center_ on the mask.

" _USELESS USELESS USELESS USELESS—!"_

He _then_ proceeded to do it a half dozen times more.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched the display. "Are you…?"

" _Noooope,_ **that's all him."**

"Huh," I was silent for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Ah, well, at least he makes it work." I then grinned as I noted that Usopp had finally stopped his stomping in favor of just standing around and panting. With that out of the way, I walked up to him and slung my arm around his shoulder again, this time in a friendly manner. "Satisfied?"

Usopp took a moment to finish catching his breath before looking down at the shattered mess at his feet. "I… yeah. Yeah, I actually think I am."

"Glad to hear it." I then leaned down, picked up a fragment of the mask and looked it over. "Fare thee well, Sniper King. You were… actually kind of cool, I'll admit…" I grinned proudly as I looked at Usopp. "But it seems like our sniper's outgrown you a little early."

" _As is only just."_

"Nope!" I stated flatly as I tossed the fragment off the dock without a second of hesitation. I could put up with a lot of insanity, but there was no way that I was dealing with _that._

"So," Nami drew attention to herself with a clap of her hands. "Now that Usopp's finally managed to grow at least half a pair—"

"HEY!"

"—It seems like the only thing we're waiting on so that we can…" She sighed in resignation. " _Officially_ cement our status as the most infamous pirate crew since the Roger Pirates, is for—"

_**WOOOOOOOOT!** _

Nami was cut off by Rocketman blowing its stack again, only this time it wasn't a mere whistle. It was a _roar,_ a roar of pure mechanical power that shook us all straight to our bones.

Iceburg jumped out of the engine's cabin, wiping his hands off on a rag. "He's good to go. Though, of course…" He gave Kokoro a warning look. "Once he starts, he's not going to _stop._ You realize that, right?"

"Wait, you mean that the brakes on this monster _don't work!?"_ Vivi squeaked in terror.

"Why do you think it's locked away in here?" I scoffed. "Tom may have been a genius, but he couldn't get everything right the first time; Rocketman is the prototype, and it didn't get its name for shits and giggles, it got it because it's nothing but a runaway train. Though, really…" I grinned eagerly. "I don't see what the big deal is."

"BRAKES?" Soundbite cackled. " **Where we're going,** _we don't need brakes!"_

"NGAGAGAGA! Ain't that the truth!" Kokoro cackled as she climbed into the train's cabin. "Fair warning though, we'll be passing eighty-eight by a _wide_ margin!"

I slammed my hand down on Soundbite's shell when I noticed his ecstatic grin. "You can get into a quote-off _after_ we turn Enies inside-out. For now, though?" I spun my finger in the air. " _MOUNT UP!"_

"Right!" Zambai grinned as he slammed his fist into his palm. "We'll go hop on our King Bulls and hook up with you guys on the way to the tracks! ALRIGHT, MEN!" he raised his voice to address the rest of the Franky Family. "LET'S GO GET OUR BIG BRO _BACK!"_

"YEAH!" the rest of the disjointed family bellowed at the top of their lungs before following their second-turned-leader out of the dock.

"Uh, Cross?"

I glanced back to see that Kiwi and Mozu had lingered behind. "What is it, you two?"

"Why did they take Big Bro Franky?" Kiwi asked.

"Yeah, I thought all they wanted were those blueprints that you destroyed," Mozu added.

"I suppose I should explain that."

All eyes fell on Iceburg, who was grimacing. "'Franky' is a nickname that I gave him; his real name is Cutty Flam. When Tom was taken away several years ago, Franky was alongside Kokoro and I, and he was unable to cope with the injustice of Tom's sentence. He stole a rifle from one of the Marines nearby and slammed it into the lead investigator's face. He was marked as a criminal, but never persecuted, as he was thought dead not long afterwards."

"For good reason," I picked up, drawing everyone's attention back to me. "Franky stood on the sea-train tracks, attempting to keep it from running armed only with a bazooka and his own will. He failed, and was cataclysmically injured; the only reason he survived is that he drifted to a scrap ship, where he rebuilt his body with iron. When he finally made his way back to Water 7 years later, Iceburg encouraged him to discard his real name and only go by Franky to avoid persecution."

Iceburg stared quizzically at me for a few seconds before shaking his head. "Perfectly accurate, and if you survive storming Enies, I'm going to enjoy hearing the explanation. But even so…"

"You don't think that CP9 would have gone out of their way to take him when they already had Robin?" I asked. "The reason for that is simple. That bastard agent that Franky pistol-whipped all those years ago? He never fully recovered; he holds his face together with leather. And since then, he's become the chief of CP9. And while I'm sure he's pissed as all hell about not being able to get his hands on the blueprints, he's sure as hell petty enough to order the Pol to kidnap Franky so that he can get his revenge."

Iceburg grimaced darkly. "Yes, well… I'm sure as hell not letting that happen. Paulie, Lulu, Tilestone!"

"SIR!" the three shipwrights barked in unison, snapping into uniform salutes.

The foreman stared his men down, causing them to flinch self-consciously. "I imagine that even if I didn't tell you to, the three of you would sneak aboard the Rocketman in order to accompany the Straw Hats and get some measure of justice against our old comrades, right?"

"Ah, w-well sir…" Paulie muttered, looking away sheepishly.

"Shut it."

The rope-master's jaw snapped shut with a click.

Iceburg eyed them silently for a moment before sighing. "Well, if you're going anyway, I might as well make it official: listen up!" The sudden shout caused the trio to snap to attention again. "I already dismissed Kaku and Kalifa myself, but Lucci is _still_ technically an employee of Galley-La. I am _not_ happy with this situation. So, here." Iceburg drew an envelope from his pocket and handed it off to Paulie.

The shipwright looked it over in confusion. "Eh? What the—? An envelope of cash? The hell?"

"Severance pay," Iceburg explained in an appropriately cold tone. "I don't expect you to fight Lucci one on one, I recognize that he's too strong for that, but one way or another make sure that he gets that envelope." The foreman crossed his arms with a scowl. "Let's be clear: I don't want Rob Lucci's name to be associated with Galley-La for any longer than it has to be, do I make myself clear?"

"SIR, YES, SIR!" the shipwrights saluted proudly.

"Well, now that we're all good and settled!" Kokoro called out. "What say we get this show on the road, huh?"

"Right there with you!" I grinned eagerly as I clambered into the Rocketman's cabin, with the rest of the crew right behind me. I settled on the cushions nearest the window as everyone came inside, and consequently was within earshot of a certain exchange:

"Iceburg… can you watch after Merry while we're gone? I mean, if you have time between the damage—"

"No, it would be my pleasure."

I winced, hard, as I remembered _that_ little detail. At least Iceburg had agreed, but even with everything she was doing, at this point, there really wasn't much I could do except hope for a miracle… or bargain for one. But I shook those thoughts off as Usopp boarded, everyone else either milling about or sitting down.

"Alright, everyone, hang on tight!" Kokoro belted out from the engine. "The Runaway Sea Train Rocketman is now departing from Water 7 with Enies Lobby as its terminus! _Full steam ahead!"_

"You ready for this?" I asked Soundbite eagerly as I stood up and hung my torso out of the window of the train car.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" the snail whooped.

"Hey, what the—?! _GET BACK IN HERE, YOU MORO—!"_

_**WOOOOOOOOT!** _

Vivi was cut off when, with an almighty jerk and roar, the Sea Train shot out of its dock like a freaking _cannonball._

Seeing it was one thing, but riding a Sea Train... well, it was something else entirely. Riding even the prototype, it was _easy_ to see how the Sea Trains managed to brave waters that swallowed ships on a daily basis: they fought the Grand Line and always came out on top because they were complete and utter _monsters._ Speed, power, durability, all aspects that the iron horses had in _spades_ with which they could stampede over the Grand Line without a moment's worry or hesitation.

Honestly, even in spite of the current situation, even in _spite_ of the danger and worry I felt, in face of the sheer speed of the Rocketman, of the _conflict_ between nature clashing against machine…

"Pff…"

What else could I do but laugh in ecstatic glee?

"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! WOOHOO, THIS IS AWESOME!"

" **BEST RIDE EVAH!** _ **WAHAHA!"**_

"YOU MORONS ARE GOING TO GET YOURSELVES KILLED!" Nami screamed from within.

Soundbite and I paused and glanced at one another before grinning ecstatically.

" _WORTH IT!"_ we chorused.

" _IDIOTS!"_

Still, even as I laughed and cheered, I couldn't help but feel some measure of concern in the back of my mind for our comrades off on the Puffing Tom.

**-o-**

Conis took a moment to regain her breath before glancing at Franky. "Alright, you ready?"

The blue-haired cyborg cracked his head side to side as he rolled his shoulders. "So far, I've been beaten, tied up and then tossed in a train car like little more than _luggage._ Trust me, I am _SUPER!_ ready," he growled eagerly.

"Alright, then." Conis took a step back from the door, her grip on her underslung Bazooka tightening. "Breaching in three, two—!" The angel stepped forward and slammed her heel in the dead center of the door, blasting it off its hinges and into the car—

_SHINK!_

Where it only managed to fly forwards a few feet before splitting into uniform planks of wood that even went so far as to land in a neat stack at the back of the car.

Captain T-Bone snorted as he stood up from his post-swing stance and re-sheathed his sword. "Now, now," the dilapidated Captain wheezed in a scolding tone. "You should be more careful. You could have hurt someone with that stunt of yours."

Conis and Franky both gaped at the sheer casualness that the man was displaying after having demonstrated such masterful swordsmanship.

"We're dead," they summarized flatly.

"And now that you've so rudely intruded into my car…" T-Bone rumbled as he slowly marched up to the two, towering above them like a human-sized giant… before sinking into a sitting position as one of his subordinates produced a full-fledged tea set before him, from which the Captain picked up a cup and took a sip. "Would you care to relax and join us for a cup of tea?" he continued, all of the Marines in the car raising cups of their own.

The interlopers exchanged dubious looks for a second before they adopted seiza positions of their own, picked up the offered cups and took deep sips of the drink being offered to them.

Conis promptly reeled back in surprise. "Oh, my, this is quite good!"

"Indeed," Franky hummed. "This is quite the intriguing variety of flavors. It really engages the palate."

"Here, Su," Conis offered, holding her cup over her shoulder. "Would you care for a taste?"

"Su…" The cloud fox ground her paw into her muzzle with a moan.

"I'm glad you enjoy it so much," T-Bone chuckled into his cup. "It's my own personal blend. It's difficult to acquire all the necessary components, but I find the taste to be _well_ worth it."

"I can't help but agree with you there," Franky nodded his head in agreement. "I'm tasting some bits from North Blue, West Blue, New Worl—!"

_SMASH!_

"WHY THE HELL ARE WE JUST SITTING AROUND DRINKING TEA!?" Franky roared as he put his fist through the floor where his tea set had been moments earlier.

T-Bone gave Franky a flat look as he held the set out of range before handing it off and looking at the Angel and Cloud Fox in the room. "You are Conis and Su of the Straw Hat Pirates, yes?"

The two nodded their heads hesitantly.

"I trust, then, that you are familiar with the name 'Ophiuchus'? I myself am known as Scorpio."

Conis gasped in realization before leaping to her feet and waving her hands frantically as she interposed herself between the Captain and Franky. "Waitwaitwaitwait!" she pleaded hastily. "I know that this must sound insane, but he's a friend of Cro—MMPH?"

"Su," the fox said with a tone of warning. Conis stared at the fox for a moment before nodding, upon which she removed her tail from her mistress' mouth.

"Ah, _ahem,_ h-he's a friend of a member of our crew," Conis corrected carefully.

" _What!?"_ Franky squawked in shock.

"Ally, to be specific. I wouldn't go so far as to call us friends quite yet, especially with his most… _grating_ attitude," T-Bone corrected.

"Su," Su rolled her eyes with a scoff.

"Ally— _are you nuts!?"_ Franky demanded indignantly. "Cross has done his best to verbally tear the Marines a new one! Why would any Marine want to be the ally of _any_ member of your crew!?"

"Perhaps…" T-Bone posited calmly. "Because there are some Marines who realize that Jeremiah Cross is actually correct about the current state of the Marine Corps' morality—or lack thereof, as it were. And with the inability to ignore it any longer, such Marines are faced with the options to either leave the Corps, or fight against it. Not through piracy, nor through open revolution… or not quite yet, at least. Instead, we have chosen to bide our time and build our numbers, an endeavor for which Ophiuchus has proven to be an invaluable resource."

"I know it sounds crazy, but it's true!" Conis insisted desperately. "Captain T-Bone and _his_ friends—"

" _That_ classification is accurate," T-Bone nodded.

"—Are working with C— _Ophiuchus_ to try and make the world better!" Conis cast a light glare over her shoulder as she rubbed the freshly bitten part of her shoulder.

Franky snorted derisively as he backed down _slightly,_ but not a lot. "Give me _one_ reason why I should believe all this and _not_ punch this guy's head clean off."

T-Bone cocked what little of his eyebrow remained as he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Would the fact that I subdued the CP7 agent waiting in the next car be sufficient?"

Franky and Conis both snapped shocked looks at the Captain. They then moved to the doorway in question and exited to the next car. Five seconds later, they were back with disturbed expressions on their faces.

"I didn't think anyone could top Satori's level of ugly," Conis shuddered. " _Clearly,_ I was wrong."

"So much ramen…" Franky moaned.

"And all from his nose, to boot," T-Bone snorted. "I incapacitated him when he _tried_ to serve that foul concoction of his to my men and I. Honestly now, I do believe that I did the wide world of cuisine a favor."

Conis glanced over her shoulder with an uncomfortable grimace. "I can only imagine how Sanji would have reacted to that…"

Franky hastily shook his head and re-donned his grimace. "S-Still, that doesn't mean anything! You could have just taken that bastard down because he was a freak! That doesn't say prove anything about you and the Straw Hats!"

T-Bone rolled his eyes with a weary sigh before gesturing to one of his men, who produced a Transponder Snail from a briefcase he was holding. "Please connect me to Pisces," he requested. The snail smiled and nodded before concentrating, during which the Captain cast a glance at the pirate and cyborg. "The Government prohibited the presence of Transponder Snails on this voyage for fear that Jeremiah Cross's partner might learn something that would compromise CP9's mission in any way. It is fortunate, therefore, that I've taken to the habit of keeping one well-hidden at all times, in case of just such an emergency. Such as, say, now."

Not even a second later, the Transponder Snail adopted a carefully neutral expression. " _Pisces,"_ it drawled in a mucked-up voice.

"Scorpio," T-Bone wheezed in return. "Since you're the only one with his number, would you be so kind as to connect us to Ophiuchus? I have his crewmate here with me, and I would like to verify my allegiance."

" _Sure thing, just give me a second to connect to him,"_ Pisces trailed off for a moment before nodding in satisfaction. " _Done. Pisces calling."_

" _PFFHAHAHA! OPHIUCHUS HERE, BABY!"_ an equally garbled voice whooped ecstatically over the sound of gale-force winds, driving rain, and a roaring steam engine. " _AND DAMN GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU GUYS, 'CAUSE WE'VE HIT A SNAG ON OUR END AND I CAN'T CALL YOU ON MY OWN JUST YET!"_

There was a moment of silence before Pisces groaned in resignation. " _I swear, every time, the damn migraine gets worse and worse…"_

"Ophiuchus," T-Bone cut in. "I am currently in the presence of your comrades and a number of my own men. If you'd be so kind as to identify yourself, please?"

" _EH? SERIOUS—AH, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND!"_ The winds died down to nothing, and a breathless voice panted across a moment later. " _S-Sorry about that, adrenaline rush… anyway, you said a number of your own men, Scorpio?"_

"I trust that they will keep silent about this," he said, scanning over the room. One and all, the men sprang into salutes. "But still, with matters as delicate as these, discretion is the utmost key, so if you would be so kind as to…?"

" _Yeah, yeah, on it. So—Ah… Little Dipper, if you would?"_

" **Little Dipper my hairy left—!"** Suddenly a staticky crackling noise erected around the Captain, the angel and the cyborg. " _ **THERE!**_ **DONE!** _AND CALL ME LITTLE DIPPER AGAIN_ AND I'LL TEAR YOUR EAR OFF."

" _Duly noted,"_ Ophiuchus, or rather, _Cross_ assured someone who could only be Soundbite.

"…You know, I _should_ be surprised that you actually have this kind of alliance in the Marine Corps, Cross," Franky began. "But after you tricked CP9 into showing themselves, I'm really not. I don't think anything you say can surprise me now."

" _DON'T CHALLENGE HIM!"_ roared everyone in earshot.

" _Yeah, Franky,"_ Cross snickered tauntingly. " _Or would you rather Cutty Flam, for the sake of nostalgia?"_

Franky twitched slightly before snorting. "That doesn't prove anything, Kokoro said that in front of you yesterday."

" _True, true, but she sure as hell didn't call you_ Number 36."

"Strike two, Cross. I told you that one my—!"

" _Well, yes, but you didn't tell me that this is the first_ humanoid _model, whereas the first thirty-five were more, shall we say… aquatic, designed specifically for the purpose of killing sea kings. Specifically… a very persistent and_ centipede-y _one."_ Cross was silent for a second before grinning widely. " _I totally hit the nail on the head and Franky's frozen, isn't he?"_

"You never fail to amaze and horrify, Cross," T-Bone sighed wearily.

" _Tell me about it…"_ Pisces groaned.

" _But nevertheless, moving on while Franky recovers…"_ Cross said, his tone becoming more serious. " _Status report on the Puffing Tom?"_

"The train has seven compartments. The rearmost held a large group of agents led by Jerry of Cipher Pol Number 6," T-Bone stated as he glanced at Conis. "Your gunner has dealt with them, I presume?"

Conis nodded in agreement as she worked a crick out of her neck. "The boxer was slippery, but I eventually managed to deal him a head-on blast with my bazooka."

T-Bone nodded. "Moving on, the sixth held only two agents and Franky. The fifth is mine, the fourth held Wanze of CP7, who I dispatched myself, and the third holds Nero, the newest member of CP9. The agents themselves wait in the second car, and Nico Robin is in the first."

" _And the rest of the crew?"_

"Boss and Sanji are making their way to Robin on the outside," Su spoke up out of the blue. "Boss is scaling the side of the cars, while Sanji's running along the top. Conis went in through the back in order to act as a distraction. And _damn,_ I never thought I'd say this, but I missed the sound of your voice, slimeball, if only because I missed the sound of my own."

" **Back at ya,** _ **PUFFBALL!"**_

" _Mrgh… the roof, huh? That means he'll run into Nero, the paranoid rat… but he is stronger than him,_ _so…"_

**-o-**

Several cars ahead and a few feet up, two combatants hastily fell into crouches and used their hands to stabilize themselves as the Puffing Tom mounted a particularly large wave.

' _Damn this slippery shit-weasel…'_ Sanji thought to himself as he absentmindedly shielded his lighter in a futile effort to ignite his cigarette. ' _Because of all his damn moving and this footing, I can't get a bead on him! I can_ tell _that he's weak, all I need is to get_ one _good kick in…'_

' _Damn this slippery pirate-weakling…'_ Nero mentally cursed as he spat out a bloody tooth, a remnant of the first few instances of the fight where he'd foolishly tried to meet his opponent head-on. ' _I don't know what bullshit trick he's pulling to stay ahead of a Four Powers user like me, but in the end, he's still just mortal! All I need is to get him to lose his footing, even a little…'_

And so, their wills resolved and their breath regained, the pirate and wannabe-assassin dashed at one another anew.

**-o-**

"… _eh, fuck it, it's Sanji, we don't call him a monster for shits and giggles. He should come out just fine. Right, anyway… OK. As for us, we're in pursuit on the prototype sea train, Rocketman. We probably won't catch the Puffing Tom, but we'll reach Enies Lobby not long after it. Scorpio, considering CP9's presence—!"_

"The cars are naturally buoyant and I can fend off any Sea Kings who attempt to harass us on my own, fret not for my safety, Cross," the Captain calmly insisted.

" _Right, then, that takes care of that, I suppose. Now, if that's all, Pisces, I need to talk with you about somethi—!"_

" _HEY, KIDS!"_ an elderly female voice barked across the connection. " _I SUGGEST THAT YOU ALL HANG ONTO YOUR UNDERWEAR, WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT THE TRACKS! THINGS ARE GONNA GET_ ROUGH!"

" _Ohhh!"_ Cross all but _squealed_. " _On second thought, call me back in a few minutes! No way in hell am I missing this rush!"_

" **COWABUNGA,** _ **BAY-BEE!"**_ Soundbite hollered.

" _What!?"_ Pisces yelped. " _Cross, don't you_ dare—!"

" _PFFHAHAHAHA!"_ Cross cackled at the top of his lungs, shouting to be heard over the roar of the wind. " _OH YEAH, THIS IS THE LIFE!"_

" _Ergh…"_ Pisces relented with an exasperated groan. " _I swear, sometimes I'm convinced that this idiot has a raging_ deathwish…"

" _COME ON, YOU BIG HUNK A' JUNK! GIVE ME ALL YOU—!"_

**KA-KLUNK!**

"— _WAAAAAaaaaagh!"_

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as the tenuously allied individuals tried to process just what the _hell_ they'd just heard.

"Did… Did Cross just get blown off of his train?" Conis asked uneasily.

" _Yes, he did. Be grateful that I managed to grab Soundbite before he flew away,"_ groaned Zoro's pained voice. " _And before the rest of us got flung to the back of the cabin, for that matter."_

"Wow, he really _does_ have a deathwish…" Franky muttered.

Pisces' eye twitched furiously even as she ground her teeth. " _Ooooh, trust me, he's not dead_ yet," she promised grimly. " _He's like a cockroach: he's not_ really _dead until you've torn his twitching body to_ pieces."

"Fantasizing again, Lieutenant?" T-Bone blandly asked.

" _What can I say, it helps me fall asleep at night."_

Franky's sweatdrop doubled in size. "Eesh, Cross's friends are fucked up in the head."

" _Oh, no no no, you have it backwards!"_ Pisces chirped with a pleasant expression. " _I_ was _normal once upon a time…"_ She scowled vehemently. " _And then Cross had to go and shatter my ignorance, fucking up both me_ and _my worldview in the process."_

Franky considered that for a moment before waving his hand dismissively. "Nah, that doesn't fit. I've been a cyborg for over a decade and Su's just naturally twisted. Maybe Cross's just a magnet for this stuff?"

Soundbite stared at Franky with a blank expression, the only movement on his face the twitching of Pisces' eye. " _So, basically, you're telling me… that I was cracked_ right from the start?"

"Eh…" Conis waved her hand side to side. "More like from the instant you set foot in the Grand Line."

She was silent for a second longer before adorning a _very_ twitchy smile. " _Well, this_ has _been fun, but I really_ must _be going. Have fun bringing the shitstorm of the century down upon your own heads!"_

"Ah, wait!" Su hastily popped her paw up. "While I still have my voice, I just _have_ to know!" She focused her attention on T-Bone. "Were you _born_ with your face looking like—?"

The Captain's expression remained unflinchingly neutral as he pressed his finger into the snail's cradle and forced the gastropod back to sleep.

"—sususu, su—? Su?" Su paused in confusion before turning her snout up with an affronted " _Su!"_

"There are not enough words in the world to apologize for her…" Conis mumbled into her hand.

"Trust me, I've heard worse," T-Bone said dismissively. "Now then, I suggest that the two—!"

" _SU!"_

"—three of you, my apologies, move onto the next car and decouple the ones we're on now. Best that you move fast. Every moment we waste is a moment we draw closer to Enies Lobby."

The two nodded, and the Marines in the room braced themselves as the three pirates exited the car. Conis stepped to the entrance of the kitchen as Franky bent down to the connecting cable. Two seconds later, the rear three cars of the Puffing Tom began losing speed and drifting away from them.

Nodding in satisfaction, Franky looked back at Conis. "Are you ready to keep going?"

The angel nodded confidently as she drew her Bazooka. "As if I wouldn't be."

**-o-**

"Well, that was great until it wasn't," I muttered to myself as I wrung out my sodden jacket into Rocketman's water tank.

" _YA THINK!?"_ Soundbite snarled.

"Wow, Mister Cross, that was really stupid!" Chimney chirped as she watched me wring myself out.

"Yeah, really, really stupid!" Gonbe concurred.

"NAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled as she effortlessly manipulated Rocketman's controls. "Man, I haven't seen something _that_ stupid since back when Franky was a part of Tom's Workers! What, is storming Enies not enough of a rush for you?"

"Well, ex- _cuse_ me for wanting to live a little. It's not often that trains have open windows to take advantage of!" I sniffed.

"Huh, good point…" Chimney cocked her head to the side thoughtfully before redonning her grin. "Buuut that was still stupid!"

"Really stupid!" Gonbe added on.

"Really really stupid!" Luffy laughed as he stuck his head into the cabin.

" _WE DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT FROM YOU!"_ Soundbite barked.

"ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE EXACT SAME SHIT YOU'RE BERATING ME FOR!" I snarled at him, pointing an accusatory finger.

"Yeah, but _he's_ a monster and the one who saved you, so he doesn't count!" Kokoro cackled.

I held my pose for a moment before lowering my finger and coughing into my fist. "Withdrawn." Shaking off the insanity of the moment, I considered how things were going. A moment later, I snapped my attention to Soundbite. "Keep a lookout for Yokozuna, make sure he _doesn't_ try his 'daily exercise routine' on us for kidnapping Kokoro, got it?"

" _Roger roger,"_ the snail replied.

With that dealt with, I thought about matters a little more, but that was about as much as I could change things at this point. I'd have to wait until everyone else got back to start the planning.

Nodding to myself in acceptance, I turned my attention to the rest of the car—

"GAH MOTHER!"

" _WOO_ **MAMA!"**

—and promptly regretted it, as I caught a brief glimpse of full-frontal Nami right as she was changing before I managed to snap my hands up to block her. And from the fact that she was staring directly at me as she fastened her _very_ revealing—if admittedly iconic—outfit into place, she was doing it intentionally. I lowered my hands only when I heard the metallic slam that was the Clima-Tact, signifying she was finished.

"Okay, ready for battle!" she announced, before blinking at the blushing Paulie, bleeding Tilestone, Zambai, and Lulu, and my own blistering glare. "What's wrong?" she asked innocently, though _I_ wasn't fooled in the least.

"Couldn't you have warned me?!" I demanded indignantly.

"YOU CHANGED IN HERE WITHOUT A MOMENT'S THOUGHT!" Paulie added. "SCANDALOUS WOMAN!"

"Nice scandal…" the other three groaned, each offering a thumbs-up.

The _devil_ standing before me smirked as she tapped her weapon on her shoulder. "I shouuuuld be charging you ฿10,000 for that little peek…" I froze in horror, but she promptly spread her arms in a 'what can you do' manner. "Buuut, as I'm feeling generous, I think I'll let you off this time and just consider it payback. There _is_ only one car, after all."

"Payback!? _For_ _what!?"_

"Do you want that list chronologically, or alphabetically?" Chopper piped up from where he was working on something.

"HA! _**CALLBA—wait,**_ _you weren't even_ **part of the crew** _BACK THEN!"_ Soundbite said.

"You talk in your sleep and I take good notes."

" _ **THAT RAISES EVEN MORE QUESTIONS!"**_

"And all of them are ones ones that we can discuss later," I cut in, looking for some excuse to move past that conversation and finding it easily in the form of Franky's right hand. "Zambai, tell your guys not to bother shooting at the Aqua Laguna when we get to it; this is Luffy and Zoro's time to shine, so save your ammo for Enies Lobby. Chopper, do you still have my Vision Dial?"

The reindeer nodded before producing it from his bag. I didn't ask why he needed to borrow it, because quite frankly, I didn't want to know. "Good. Someone had better get a very good picture of what's going to happen, or else I'm gonna crack skulls. Besides that, all we have to do is wait until we regroup with our guys on the train." I grimaced as I considered the possible outcomes of that endeavor. "One way or another."

Everyone nodded, and as their attention left me, I scanned around the cabin to observe everyone's actions. Chopper had set about instructing Zambai how to use the Dial; Luffy was playing around with Chimney and Gonbe while Kokoro looked on with amusement; Usopp, Nami, and Zoro were all inspecting their weapons—

I slapped myself in realization, that was _way_ too close. Zoro would have had my head if I forgot that. "Zoro!" I called.

The swordsman looked up, and I called Shu's description to mind. "If things still go straight to pot, there's going to be a Marine that you'll need to watch out for. He wears a white turban and a veil over his mouth."

Zoro cocked an eyebrow at me. "And I should care about this guy why? Is he a swordsman?"

"Nope," I popped out a thumbs-down. "He's the _anti-swordsman._ The bastard ate the Rust-Rust Fruit. If you're not careful, Yubashiri'll be suffering an ignoble death, and Tashigi will blame _you_ for it."

Zoro paled as he snapped his hand into a death-grip on the katana's hilt. "Desert clothes, keep my distance, got it, thanks."

"Damn straight," I nodded confidently before moving on. Galley-La was waiting quietly, even Tilestone, Lassoo was snoozing, the TDWS was checking their weapons too, and shooting annoyed glances at Mikey as he kept spinning his pistols around. Unloaded, thankfully, but still. And last but not least, Carue was sitting in a corner by Vivi, who was—

I didn't even hesitate to stride towards Vivi, moving slowly but with purpose. Carue saw me approaching from where he was surreptitiously watching over the princess, but after a moment's hesitation he elected to look away and tug his beanie down over his eyes.

Vivi, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice. Rather, she was too engrossed with fondling her necklace, turning the intricate metal ball on the end of the chain in her fingers over and over again. This fact was cemented by the way she jumped when I cleared my throat. Her eyes darted around in a futile search for an escape route for a second, but she ultimately sighed and looked up at me in defeat.

"…No way out this time, is there?" she asked quietly.

"Hey hey hey," I spread my hands in a show of harmlessness as I sank to sit beside her. "This is entirely your choice. If you just don't feel like giving all of the details—"

"N-No, it's fine," Vivi interrupted with a raised hand. "I… I may as well, if only because _this…_ " She held up the orb for me to see. "If this isn't the right time to use it, there won't _be_ a right time _ever_." She drew the necklace back and looked it over with a gaze of longing familiarity. "This… it's known a Sirocco charm-container. It's an ancient heirloom of the Nefertari family, passed down through the generations and designed for a sole purpose: to provide an influx of strength to its holder in the hour of their utmost need."

I nodded in understanding. "Makes sense, seems like the kind of thing that thing would be either a weapon or something else designed to help keep you alive considering how A, your father gave it to you when you were leaving for the pirate life and B, I've seen you all but _strangling_ that thing whenever things started getting dire." I looked upwards thoughtfully. "But, that doesn't answer what's _in_ it, does it…" I glanced down at it as a thought struck me. "It… It's not something _gruesome_ like… what, the souls of your ancestors or something, is it?"

Vivi affixed me with a flat look—

_THWACK!_

"OW!"

—before flicking me in the forehead without warning.

"You've read _way_ too many comic books, Cross," she deadpanned.

I gave her my own look in turn. "Remind me, my obsession has saved our hides _how many_ times now?"

Vivi hesitated for a moment before sighing and hanging her head in defeat. She maintained her stance for a moment before glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. "How much knowledge do you have on the Royal Guardians of Alabasta?"

"Eh…" I blinked in confusion. "Chaka and Pell, right? The Jackal and the Falcon, ancient protectors of the nation and the royal family. Though…" I frowned in confusion. "How the hell you manage to keep _control_ of their powers once they pass on is a mystery to me."

"It's… not as hard as you'd think, really," Vivi shrugged indifferently. "Alabasta has a lot of national treasures, and it's had them for several generations, probably even as far back as the Blank Century itself. Among these treasures are our Devil Fruits. The Jackal and Falcon fruits don't belong to Chaka and Pell by coincidence; the vault in the third storage room is filled with green beans and plums to make sure that when the fruits reincarnate, they end up there."

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Makes sense to me. Though…" I trailed off as I glanced at her. "I fail to see how this is in any way related to that."

Vivi paused for a moment before tilting her head to shoot me a wry smile. "Cross… the Nefertari's are descendants of one of the ancient Twenty Kings. We are World Nobles in all but name, and our nation is absolutely _massive_."

"Yeah, so?"

She slowly tilted her head to the side. "So, why would we only have _two_ Royal Guardians?"

I stiffened as the implications of what she was saying hit me like a ton of bricks. "…How many?"

Vivi shrugged slightly as she looked forward again, her grin gaining a wistful overtone. "Six in all. Two Zoan, two Paramecia and two Logia, so as to cover our bases. In ancient times, they were the pride and joy of our nation, defending us from all manner of threat, big and small alike!"

It was… really something to see Vivi recount her story. The way she lit up and gazed at something beautiful only she could see… it was clear that this tale was very near and dear to her.

"However…" But all too soon, her smile became melancholy, and her expression sad. "Time is cruel beyond all belief, and it stole our Guardians from us one by one. The Grace slid under time's sands like so many of our monuments in the past, and vanished from our grasp before we even knew what had happened, and later on two more were stolen in quick succession during periods of civil unrest and upheaval: the Rage…" Her hands snapped into a fist. "And the _Desert."_

I widened my eyes in surprise. "…ah. Sooo… that whole 'Sir' Crocodile bit…?"

"More than him just taking out a few pirate crews that decided to attack us," the princess growled, glaring daggers at thin air. "That bastard… he actually brought us _hope._ He returned one of our national treasures, our pride and joy…" She dug her fingers into her arms. "And then he turned it against us, and stole it for the rest of his natural _life_."

I started to consider ways to placate her when I felt something tap my neck. I glanced down and caught sight of Soundbite, who proceeded to mouth something to—!

Once again realization hit me, and once again I looked over at Vivi, only _this time_ I was _very_ intently focused on her necklace. "Vivi…" I whispered. "You said that the Grace was lost and the Rage and Desert were stolen, right?" I didn't even wait for her to nod. "And… seeing as the Desert is currently in Impel Down, Pell and Chaka are still in Alubarna, and I'm _assuming_ that the Rage and Grace are both Paramecia, going how the names have all been pretty self-explanatory…" I swallowed heavily. "Just… what kind of a Logia do you have in your necklace?"

Vivi smiled grimly as she held the metal orb up. "I didn't expect anything less. This is the Storm of Alabasta, more commonly renowned as the Logia-type Gust-Gust Fruit… which takes the form of a pomegranate."

I frowned for a few seconds, trying to work out why that was relevant. Then the penny dropped, along with my jaw.

"An aril…" I breathed.

Soundbite looked between us in confusion. " **Uh…?"**

"Ah, it's a name for pomegranate seeds," I explained before adopting a defensive expression at his incredulous look. "I like Greek Mythology and I saw the term when I was reading the tale of Persephone!"

" _Nerd…"_ Soundbite scoffed before refocusing. " **But what good** _ **DOES THAT—?"**_

"You don't need to eat the _whole_ Devil Fruit, Soundbite," Vivi cut in. "Only a single bite is needed, however small, and any one part of a fruit contains as much power as the whole until someone eats it."

I shot Soundbite a look as I tracked his logic. "Are you really telling me you ate that whole coconut before you realized you had powers, even _after_ you realized it tasted rancid?"

" **I was a lone** _ **snail**_ _**IN A DAMN JUNGLE!**_ **I ATE MY** _food whenever it came_ TO ME, _NO MATTER_ _THE TASTE!_ _**Sue me!"**_

"Anyway," Vivi coughed, bringing our attention back to her. "Assuming that the vault that the main mass of the Gust-Gust Fruit is in hasn't been compromised—and considering how that thing was built to last for centuries, I doubt that it has—" She shook her necklace. "Then what I have here is an _active_ Devil Fruit, just waiting to be eaten. It might look solid, but Father told me how to open it before we left. He said…" Vivi sniffed, visibly fighting against tears at this point. "He… He said that considering the sheer scale of the Grand Line, of the world we live in, that there was no question in his mind that I'd have to eat it one day, for one reason or another, but he also suggested that I wait until it was absolutely necessary. And all things considered…"

Vivi looked up and stared at nothing, deep-seated fear and horror lurking in her eyes. "Well… honestly, what is there to consider? We're going up against _Enies Lobby._ The Judicial Island, seat of the World Government, if not the Government _itself_ …" She shuddered, her arms coming up to grasp themselves. "We are going to need every _inch_ of power we can possibly get our hands on. And if I can contribute, in any way, if _my_ help can help keep our crewmates alive for even a _second_ longer—!"

"Hey hey hey!" I cut in, interrupting her as her voice started to take on a tone of mania. "Calm down, you're starting to panic! Just… alright, first? Look around at everyone else, and tell me what you see."

Vivi slowly raised her head and looked at everyone else in the cabin for a moment before blinking at me in confusion. "I… what am I supposed to be seeing here, Cross? Everyone's acting normal!"

" _Exactly,"_ I said. "Nobody, not Chopper, not Nami, not even _Usopp,_ is making a big deal out of what we're about to do. They're not panicking and they're not freaking out, and you know why?" I tapped her necklace before she could have a chance to respond. "Because they don't have _this_ hanging over their heads. You're agonizing because you think you're standing at an irreversible crossroad of your life, but while it _might_ be approaching, you haven't reached it yet. Enies…" I grimaced as I considered the events to come. "Enies is gonna be nuts, yes, but it's not guaranteed to be a complete clusterfuck. You still have _time._ Gaining your powers will be a monumental event in your life, and you should only go through with it when _you_ feel it's right, not when you feel forced to do it. Otherwise, well…" I spread my hands helplessly. "You'll just end up regretting it for the rest of your life."

Vivi started to nod in acceptance before pausing and giving me a suspicious look. "Did you just bastardize 'the talk'?"

I opened my mouth to deny her, and promptly grimaced as I reran my words through my head. "Good grief, I actually did. My apologies, no person should ever have to have that conversation twice. But ah, still, to ram my point home and alleviate some of your stress…"

I pointed at her necklace. "Let me tell you about an unspoken law concerning Devil Fruits. Now, I'm not certain how widespread this is in the pirate world, but considering how the Roger Pirates abided by it and the Whitebeards _still_ abide by it, I'd say it's a pretty common policy: where possession is usually nine-tenths of the law, it becomes a full ten-tenths when it comes to Devil Fruits. What a crewmate does with a Devil Fruit they've acquired is entirely up to them. Eat it, sell it, gift it, even toss it, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what _they_ want, and no one and nothing, maybe not even the captain himself, can say otherwise. Although…" I snickered as I tilted my head so that I could gaze at where Luffy was perched on the Sea Train's nose. "In our case, I'd say any dangers of that are rather moot, no?"

Vivi managed to chuckle at that. Then she smiled gratefully, releasing the necklace. "Thank you, Cross. That… That helped a lot."

"Anytime. But, ah… out of curiosity, what are the two Paramecia fruits?"

Vivi shrugged. "The Grace is the Cloth-Cloth Fruit, which allows its user to control whatever cloth they touch—much more effective than it sounds, believe me—!"

"Oh, no, don't worry, I'm sure it's earned its reputation," I assured.

Vivi nodded. "And the Rage is the Hot-Hot Fruit—"

I blinked in recognition. "Which lets you control thermal energy, so that a person can burn people just with their mere _presence!?_ "

Vivi and Carue suddenly snapped forward and grabbed my collar, all but shoving their faces in mine. " _You know where it is?"_ they demanded.

"Grgh, maybe, _maybe_ I know where it is!" I hedged frantically. "I-It's like what happened with Navarone, it's a story that's not a part of the original one! But ah, yeah, if it works out that way, then we should be meeting its user not long after we leave Water 7."

"Please tell me that he's despicable enough that I can kill him without any regrets," Vivi hissed desperately.

"Eh…" I waved my hand side to side hesitantly. "Heeee's on the borderline. Utter sadist to his enemies… and a good father to his _children."_

Vivi processed that and plopped back down, a grimace on her face. " _Fuck._ Ugh… think he'd be willing to move to Alabasta for an extravagant bribe?"

"Weeell," I looked upwards thoughtfully. "He _is_ a bounty hunter… and I suppose that if enough pirate ships attack Alabasta on a regular basis—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"Eh?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Soundbite suddenly ringing. I gave Vivi an apologetic shrug before motioning for him to answer.

" _KA-LICK! So, Cross, are you finished with your attempted suicides, or should I call back later?"_ Tashigi ground out without preamble.

"Please, compared to Kaido, I might as well be a safety nut," I chuckled dryly, before hastily sobering up. "But yeah, let's get down to business _and not a word about Huns!"_ I snapped, causing Soundbite to chuckle sheepishly. I then refocused my gaze. "Anyways… I've been working for you for a while, Fishstick, now it's time for you to pay it back."

" _Huh?"_

"I need you to help me make a call."

**-o-**

Boss grimaced ferociously as he finally reached the window where he could see the crew's archaeologist, hunched over and looking at nothing. In any other situation, he'd have been concerned with how dead to the world she looked, but given the disproportionate amount of effort that it had taken to get there, he was right out of sympathy. And so, without any preamble, he scrabbled with the edge of the window, flung it open, and the next moment found him dropping onto the seat across from Robin, his rope-dart snapping the window shut behind him.

The archaeologist blinked at him in surprise for a second and Boss gnashed his teeth.

[What the _hell_ were you thinking, turning yourself in like that!? Did you _seriously_ expect us to… not… follow… aaaand you can't understand a word I'm saying because that damn snail's nowhere nearby, right…] the Dugong trailed off flatly as he ground his flipper into his forehead. Rolling his eyes, he began moving his flippers in a well-practiced pattern that he had dusted off in his free time since joining the crew.

{I'm assuming a genius like you knows Grand Line Standard Sign Language?} he asked.

Robin blinked again in surprise. "I'm surprised that _you_ do, Mister Dugong," she said at last.

{I'm a Dugong of many talents.} Boss's flat expression did wonders to communicate his deadpan tone. {Now, to pick up where I left off…} He scowled indignantly. {What the _hell_ do you think you're doing!? Did you honestly think we _wouldn't_ chase you, that we _wouldn't_ fight tooth and nail!? Because if you did think we wouldn't, you're an idjit and that's insulting, and if you did think we'd come, then this is all just _insane!}_

Robin grimaced at that, pointedly not looking Boss in the eyes. "I-I didn't have a _choice,_ Mister Dugong. I-If I'd stayed with you all, then you would have been _killed._ The Government—!"

{ _Fuck_ the Government!} Boss enunciated with a violent slash of his arms. {In case you've missed the memo, lady, we're _pirates,_ we—!}

The Dugong was cut off by the sound of the door to the car creaking open, which prompted him to leap forwards into Robin's lap and slide his rope-dart under her seat before going limp, his tongue half-stuck out of his mouth.

The archaeologist only had a second to blink at him in surprised confusion before the Government agent reached her seat.

"Just checking up on y—!" the agent started to say before tensing and snapping a hand to his belt. "What the heck is that?"

Thanks to her years of practice, Robin didn't even miss a beat as she hoisted Boss's limp form by his shoulders and held him out. "A Dugong doll. I found it beneath a seat. Most likely a child lost it and your comrades missed it when they swept the car earlier. I thought it was cute, so I held onto it. Will that be an issue?"

The agent eyed her skeptically for a second before leaning in to look Boss over. He slowly inspected him up and down, scrutinizing every detail he could find. Finally, the agent raised his finger and poked the Dugong's fuzzy upper lip—

_Ppphhbbbt!_

—which caused the agent and Robin to jump in shock on account of the farting sound that came from Boss's mouth as a result.

Robin swiftly recovered as she retracted Boss into her lap. "I was unaware that he was capable of that. Thank you, I'm sure it'll be amusing while I wait for us to arrive."

The agent snorted as he removed his hand from his belt and started walking away. "Whatever floats your boat, I guess."

The two pirates remained silent until the car door shut, at which point Boss leapt out of her lap, retrieved his rope-dart, and settled into the opposite seat again before facing her with a paper-flat expression. {You owe me _so much_ it's not even remotely funny.}

Robin's expression soured at that. "I'm afraid that I won't be free to repay you any time in the near future, Mister—"

{Cut the 'Mister' crap!} Boss all but slammed his flippers together as he signed. {We are _friends_ , damn it, not friendly acquaintances! Now drop the ice queen act and be straight with me!} He leveled a glare equal parts scrutiny and rage at Robin. {Why did you leave? Why did you _refuse_ to trust in our strength?! The Straw Hats beat Crocodile, we beat _God—!}_

"And compared to the World Government, those two were _nothing!"_ Robin spat viciously, her frustration with the Dugong shattering her mask. "You're just one crew of pirates! Extraordinary compared to most, but you number barely over a dozen, whereas the World Government's resources and troops are _infinite!_ They have acted as a global monolith for nearly eight hundred years, unflinching, unimpeded, _undefeatable!"_ The wind drained out of Robin's sails as she seemed to shrink in on herself. "I've seen what happens when someone is caught trying to defy the World Government's command… the sheer force they can bring to bear…"

{That doesn't matter to us!} Boss insisted. {However many troops they send, we'll fight back! However hard they come at us, we'll come back twice as tough! We'll fight to the bitter end, Robin, and we won't _stop_ fighting even a second before then!}

"They tried to fight back too…"

Robin's words caused Boss to pause in his signing as he stared at her in shock. In the span of a few moments, she'd… _changed._ In place of her heat and iron was… _terror._ Pure, undiluted fear and horror, shining like beacons in her eyes as she shuddered in place.

"They fought…" she whispered, though Boss wasn't entirely certain she was speaking to him anymore. "They tried to fight back, so many of them did, but they crushed them all… they crushed _him…_ They burned it all, destroyed it all, they reduced it all to ash…" She shook her head desperately. "I can't… I can't watch that happen… not again… _never_ _again..._ "

Before Boss's horrified gaze, Robin slowly curled in on herself in an effort to make herself smaller, drawing her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly as she buried her face in her knees. Then…

" _Dereshi… dereshishishi… dereshishishi…"_

She started laughing even as she cried. It sounded… odd, like it belonged to someone else, but it was completely and utterly _drowned_ in grief. Boss shivered as the sound froze the blood in his veins, but he hastily recovered and leapt forwards, rapping his fist against her skull. [Wake up, damn it!]

Robin jerked at the blow, and while she didn't uncurl from her position, she at least stopped that… _laughing._

She remained frozen for a moment before slowly tilting her head so that a single eye gazed at Boss, her expression utterly inscrutable.

"I'm glad that you're the one who came to speak to me, Boss," she said in a voice devoid of emotion.

The Dugong tensed as an uneasy feeling came over him. {And… why is that, exactly?}

"Simple."

In an instant, a quartet of arms snapped out of Boss's torso and wrapped around his body, effectively paralyzing his flippers while another pair wrenched the window open.

"Because I doubt anyone else would be able to survive this."

Boss's complexion took on a distinctly blue overtone. [Oh, you have got to be _kidding—!]_

And without further ado Robin tossed him out the window, slamming it shut behind him.

A minute later, the agent from earlier entered the car again and blinked in surprise. "The heck—? What happened to that doll you had earlier?"

Robin gave the agent a disinterested glance before returning to staring out at the storm raging around them. "I outgrew it."

The agent rolled his eyes and prepared to leave.

"Ah, and before I forget," Robin spoke up, turning a bored eye to him. "If you would be so kind as to call in one of the Cipher Pol agents? I need to have a word with them."

**-o-**

Sanji growled viciously as he glared daggers at the 'member' of Cipher Pol 9 standing just out of his range. "Enough of this…" he bit out. "You've wasted enough of my time as is. Robin-chwan needs her prince charming, and I intend to be there for her! I'm ending this, right here…" He drew one of his feet back and tensed it. "Right now! APERI—!"

Without any warning, a blur shot over the edge of the train car, grabbing both of the combatants' attention.

Nero blinked in confusion. "The heck—?"

_CRUNCH!_

That was all he got out before Boss—hanging onto the end of his ropedart, the 'dart' part of the weapon hooked onto the edge of the roof—swung into his face tail-first, launching him off the Tom and into the raging waters of the ocean before he could so much as even _react._

Sanji blinked in surprise before slowly lowering his leg. "Well, that was certainly anti-climactic," he muttered, then snapped his focus to Boss as he finished reeling his weapon in. "And what are you even doing here?! You were supposed to be making your way to Robin-chwan!"

[I did get to Robin! That bitch threw me—!] Boss cut his indignant squeaking off with a snarl as he hastily swapped to indignant signing. {That bitch threw me out of a train!}

"Hey, don't talk about Robin-Chwan that way!" Sanji snapped in a heated tone.

{I'LL TALK ABOUT HER HOWEVER I DAMN WELL CHOOSE, SHE THREW ME OUT OF A SPEEDING TRAIN!}

"AS IF THAT COULD ACTUALLY HURT YOU!"

Boss paused before continuing at a more sedate pace. {Well… yeah, but it's the principle of the matter, you know?}

Sanji ground his cigarette between his teeth before huffing out a sigh. "Just… come on, let's go," he ground out, stepping forward.

{Lead on.}

As they were moving on to the next car, Boss shot Sanji a quizzical look. {By the way, I didn't honestly expect much of anyone else besides the crew's obvious suspects to know sign language. There a story behind that?}

Beneath his ever-present bang, Sanji's hidden eye twitched. Outwardly, however, he kept his cool and shrugged. "Not really. We had deaf customers at the Baratie now and then; after I butchered my first time taking their orders, the old geezer I worked for made sure it wouldn't happen again. It was a bit annoying, yes, but you'd be amazed how many ladies are impressed by an educated—"

Without any warning, the two suddenly snapped so that they were back-to-back.

"Did you hear something?" Sanji asked, his unobstructed eye practically on a swivel.

{Yeah, the storm covered it up but it sounded famili—wait, now I remember!} Boss slapped a fin to his head. {'Course, that was the sound of a door… un… locking…}

The two looked down nervously. "Uh-oh…"/[Uh-oh...]

Before they could even so much as think of reacting, the roof opened beneath them and they fell into the car below. They didn't land on their faces, their scant forewarning made sure of that, but they _did_ land in the midst of all four of CP9's thoroughly unimpressed agents, with Robin standing behind them.

Boss took a moment to glance around at their surroundings before giving Sanji a flat look. { _Now_ can I be pissed at her?}

"… Maybe a little," the cook reluctantly conceded.

**-o-**

"Oh, yeah, is that right?!" I bellowed at the person on the other end of Soundbite's connection. "Well, you know what, _screw you!"_ And with that I jerked my hand across my neck, prompting my snail to cut the connection.

"Cross—!" Vivi started to speak up, but I silenced her with a raised finger.

We waited in silence for a few seconds…

" _Puru puru puru-KA-LICK!"_

Until Soundbite started ringing again, at which point I picked up again with an _innocent_ smile. "Yeeeeees?" I purred.

"… _539-263-678."_

Soundbite nodded confidently, prompting me to widen my grin. "Thaaank yoooou."

" _Get bent. KA-LICK!"_

I shot a grin at Vivi. "And _that_ is how it's done."

"…Impressive," the princess conceded.

" _Thank you, come again,"_ Soundbite chortled.

"Oh, no, not that farce," Vivi scoffed. "Honestly, that was some of the most ham-handed negotiating I've ever seen in my life, and I use that term in the loosest way possible."

"Hilarious," I drawled with a flat look.

"No, what I'm referring to is how quickly you managed to rile her up. Usually, Valentine manages to keep her head in the name of pissing off others, but you managed to make her blow her top. _That's_ impressive."

I promptly adopted a proud smile. "What can I say, it's a God-given gift!"

"Still…" Vivi eyed Soundbite curiously. "How'd you know she'd call you back?"

My grin took on a cocky overtone. "I banked on her volume getting Bartolomeo's attention. She might hate my guts, but he likes us and he doesn't take disrespect lightly. There wasn't any possible scenario where I _wasn't_ getting that number."

"Huh…" Vivi shrugged slightly. "Alright, so maybe I'm a _bit_ more impressed. So, are you going to call that number now?"

"COULDN'T EVEN IF _WE WANTED TO!"_ Soundbite replied before I could. " **No Transceiver,** _ **no broadcasting boost.**_ **I NEED IT** _ **TO MAKE INTERNATIONAL CALLS!"**_

"Unfortunate," I conceded. "But with any luck, the away team will bring it back with them and we'll be back in business before we reach Enies, so I'll be able to enact the next stage of what I've got planned."

"Cawe tah _shawe_ juhst waht zis pwan of yours ish?" Carue asked in a doubtful tone.

"Mmm…" I hummed contemplatively as I considered the question before smiling innocently. "Nah! I think I'll keep it a surprise for now!"

The supersonic duck slapped a wing to his face with an exasperated groan. "Aye dunno what I wath exshpecting…"

"Ngagagaga!" Kokoro chortled. "I wouldn't expect anything else from him."

Carue huffed.

"Well!" Vivi announced. "Now that it seems like the only thing we have left to do is wait, anyone up for a game of gin rummy?"

I made to respond—

"LOOK OUT! AQUA LAGUNA, DEAD AHEAD!"

—and instead grinned eagerly. "Sorry, some other time. Right now, I'm much more interested in watching the kick-ass show that's about to happen! LUFFY! ZORO!" I called out, grabbing the attention of the two Monsters with us. "You're up! And for names, I suggest rounding it up to Three Hundred Pounds!"

"Right," the two nodded as they marched out to the engine.

I looked around at the rest of our crewmates. "Anyone else want in on this?"

"Eh…" Chopper tilted his head thoughtfully for a moment before shaking it in denial. "I better not. Sure, it'd be a great way to test my latest formula, but I think it'd be more prudent to conserve my ammunition until we hit the Lobby proper."

"Ditto," Usopp concurred.

The TDWS looked at Leo, who was sporting an uncomfortable grimace. "I would, but the fact is that I'm still sandbagging whenever Zoro can see me so that he doesn't crush me like a seashell."

"And I honestly do not have the firepower, so I'm right out, too," Lassoo muttered before rolling over and going back to sleep.

"Suit yourselves!" I shrugged as I jogged up to the engine. "But still, I suggest you guys keep an eye out! Things are about to get e~pi~c!"

With that, I ran out into the Rocketman's engine cabin, got a firm grip on a railing as I hung myself out the window… and promptly found myself at a loss for words.

"Hooooooly _shit!"_

" **DAMN STRAIGHT!"**

Well, any _intelligent_ words, anyway, but honestly, it wasn't like it was my fault.

Aqua Laguna… geeze, where to even begin?

I… I suppose that the closest approximation that I can think of would be to call it an elemental variation of the Red Line. Where the Red Line replaced the horizon with pure stone, Aqua Laguna replaced it with water. Innumerable metric _tons—_ not even gallons, _tons—_ of ocean, rising up and rushing at us almost as fast as we were rushing at _it._ It could even be defined as _grander_ , because unlike the Red Line, which held a majestic silence, Aqua Laguna came at us with an almighty _roar_ that dwarfed any Sea King I'd ever heard in my life.

The simplest way to summarize it?

"I think we might have a few too many Devil Fruit users on board," I whispered around my face-splitting grin. "Because holy _hell_ is the ocean fucking _pissed off at us!"_

"YA GOT THAT _right,_ _ **sonny boy!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly.

"ALL HANDS, PREPARE TO FIRE! HURRY, OR ELSE IT'S GOING TO SWALLOW US WHOLE!"

However, it seemed like the Franky Family didn't quite share my enthusiasm for the wonders that our ever-abusive Mother Nature had to offer.

I snapped my fingers at Soundbite before twisting my head to look back at the Franky's trailer home. "BELAY THAT!" I bellowed out. "I TOLD YOU BEFORE, DON'T SHOOT AT THE WAVE! YOU'LL JUST BURN AMMUNITION FOR NOTHING!"

" _WHAT!?"_ Zambai shouted back incredulously. "BUT IF OUR GUNS ARE USELESS, THEN HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET THROUGH THIS DAMN THING!?"

"EASY! WE USE THE ONE THING BETTER THAN ANY NUMBER OF GUNS AND CANNONS!"

" _Gum-Gum—!"_

" _Three-Hundred Caliber—!_

I snapped my focus back to the wave, my grin going from ear to ear and looking no doubt utterly _demented._ "A pissed off Luffy and Zoro working in tandem. Now, START TAKING PICTURES!"

" _CANNON!"_

I honestly think that the most impressive part of the attack wasn't the sound, but rather the sudden _absence_ of sound that followed the attack. The roar of Rocket Man, the roar of Laguna, the roar of the _storm—_ hell, there wasn't even a storm at this point, the sheer force of the cannon had blasted away all of the rain around us!

It really just went to show: Mother Nature was strong, sure… but we pirates, who braved her wrath on a daily basis for the _fun of it?_ We outclassed her by a complete and utter _factor._ And that was clear for the duration of the time that Rocketman… well, rocketed along the track through the watery tunnel, split like the Red Sea all around us until, at last, we emerged on the other side.

Of course, the silence couldn't last forever, and was promptly broken by Zambai crying out in tearful euphoria. "WE SURVIVED!" he cheered. "WE ACTUALLY BEAT AQUA LAGUNA!"

"It's a good thing that we made friends with them, huh, Mozu?" Kiwi muttered from where she was staring out of the car. She then paused and glanced back at her sister before starting in shock when she caught sight of the green hue she'd adopted. "Mozu!?"

The other square sister shuddered in terror. "I-If it weren't for the SBS, the Straw Hats would have just been another pirate crew coming into Water 7… and then Zambai and his guys would have—!"

Kiwi paled in horror as she followed her sibling's logic. " _So glad_ that we made friends with them," she repeated in a far more sickly tone.

I chuckled in amusement as I slid back to safety and started to walk back into the car—

"Why do you need our help?"

—before pausing as Paulie stepped in front of me, looking pensive and slightly confused.

"Not," he held his hand up placatingly. "That we wouldn't come anyway, we all want our pounds of flesh, but I'm just curious is all. Try and clear this up for me: why do you need our help when you guys are so strong already?"

I took a second to ponder that before shrugging indifferently. "Because strong as we are, Enies Lobby is a World Government installation garrisoned with several thousand troops. We need your help to take down them down because we can't handle an army on our own yet."

Paulie considered that for a second before nodding in understanding. "Yeah, alright, that's fair."

I nodded and continued walking away, then grinned when I heard Paulie choke behind me.

"Wait… ' _yet'!?"_

" _ **We gon' be BADASSES?"**_ Soundbite giggled ecstatically.

" _Such_ badasses," I confirmed gleefully.

"But you already _knew_ that."

Our attention was diverted to Nami, who was standing by the car door, a somewhat playful look on her face.

"After all, _Wyvern,_ " she nodded her head at me. "Managed to take down a whole ship of bounty hunters on his own, remember?"

" _MMMYEAH,"_ Soundbite hummed, nodding his head in agreement before grinning toothily. " **BUT IT'S** _ **still nice to get**_ **confirmation, ya know?"**

Nami rolled her eyes with an exasperated but nonetheless fond sigh. "Yeah, well, I guess…" She then focused her attention on me. "Still, speaking of confirmation, mind sharing what's coming up next?"

I glanced upward as I started to wrack my brains. However, I didn't get very far into my thoughts when Soundbite suddenly grinned eagerly.

" _Oh oh oh,_ I GOT THIS ONE! _**Yo, T-Bone,**_ **how's the weather?"**

" _Rather horrible, I'm afraid, my dear Soundbite,"_ T-Bone's groaning voice filtered throughout the car. " _I'm soaked straight to the bone… though honestly, I suppose that's not saying much, is it?"_

"Heh, skull-joke, nice!" I snickered.

"W-Wait, that's _Captain T-Bone!?"_ Mozu yelped.

"That's not good!" Kiwi cried in panic. "That man's known as the Ship-Slasher! He's a Captain straight from HQ with a reputation for dismantling pirate ships with his blade alone, carving them apart like steaks! He's going to cut us to pieces!"

There was a brief instant of silence before Soundbite frowned grimly. " _You're transmitting me to the whole of the train you pulled out of nowhere?"_ he asked testily.

"Ah, keep your shirt on and let me handle this," I scoffed, rolling my eyes before raising my voice. "Alright, listen up everyone! Yes, that _is_ Captain T-Bone of Marine HQ, but do _not_ worry. He's an ally of ours and he's _not_ going to hack us to pieces. Don't worry, we're safe. Just make sure not to spread the fact that we do know him…" I grinned malefically. "Or else he really _will_ hunt you down and hack you to pieces."

T-Bone sighed wearily as the non-Straw Hats in the car clamped their hands over their mouths. " _I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't turn me into a boogeyman, Cross."_

"But your face makes it so _easy~!"_ I sang.

" _Mmrph…"_ T-Bone grunted before his expression became solemn. " _I'd also appreciate it if you didn't make promises that you can't keep."_

I blinked in confusion. "Eh?"

Cold sweat suddenly started trailed down Soundbite's body. "AH, CROSS? _I just noticed something. THERE ARE THREE_ _ **TRAIN CARS**_ **FLOATING FREE UP AHEAD…"** The trail of sweat evolved into a cascade. " _ **But T-Bone's still on the tracks!"**_

" _EH!?"_ I squawked in shock. "What-!? T-Bone, what the hell do you think you're playing at!?"

" _I am truly sorry, Jeremiah Cross,"_ T-Bone intoned in a voice not unlike a funeral dirge. " _But I have no choice. So long as you and yours make for Enies Lobby, I have no other choice but to oppose you."_

"Are you _kidding me!?"_ I demanded, jerking Soundbite off my shoulder and into my palm so that I look him in the eye. "Then what the hell happened to MI5, huh, to defending justice, righteousness!? Was that all a lie!?"

" _Do not mistake my intentions, Jeremiah!"_ the captain barked back with just as much heat. " _This is not a matter of morality, your righteousness was never in question! This is a matter of_ strength! _Strength of body, strength of will, strength of_ conviction, _nothing more and nothing less!"_

I balked in confusion, and Nami and I exchanged hesitant looks before she spoke up. "What… exactly are you talking about?"

T-Bone snorted grimly. " _I am sorry, Miss Navigator, but Jeremiah Cross is an integral factor in our crusade! Like or not, whether we shall succeed or fail rests upon his survival! And now he makes for the lion's den…"_ He bowed his head apologetically. " _I am sympathetic to your plight, truly I am, but you now make for the lion's den at all speeds and I… I cannot let you continue any further! At least…"_ He looked back up, and I swear to God I felt a paper cut on my finger just from that gaze. " _Not without a test! RORONOA ZORO!"_ he suddenly roared at the top of his lungs. " _I KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME! PRESENT YOURSELF AT ONCE!"_

Soundbite provided Zoro's reaction from where he stood on the nose of the train, cocking his eyebrow flatly. " _What do you want?"_ he asked.

T-Bone ground his teeth. " _Roronoa, your crew's cause is just, but your destination is beyond perilous! As such, I have no choice but to test you all! The strength of your blade will determine whether or not you are truly worthy of continuing your quest, or if your endeavor was doomed from the start! FROM ONE SWORDSMAN TO ANOTHER, I CHALLENGE YOU! EARN YOUR RIGHT TO CONTINUE YOUR QUEST TO SAVE YOUR COMRADE, OR RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"_

Zoro didn't even hesitate to grin savagely. " _As if I would ever say—!"_

"WAIT!"

Everyone looked around in surprise for a few seconds, at least, up until a Dugong clad in a blue bandanna strode forward.

"I'll take you on," Leo announced. Zoro's reaction was merely to raise an eyebrow. Everyone else… not so much. The rest of the TDWS were particularly vocal.

"Leo, what the _hell—!?"_ Raphey spat.

"Dude, are you _insane!?"_ Mikey squawked.

"Leo, if Boss finds out about this—!" Donny started to protest.

Leo weathered them all for a second with a clenched jaw—

" _SHUUUT UUUP!"_

Before throwing his head back and roaring at the top of his lungs, killing any remaining protests in their respective throats.

The Dugong huffed for a second as he got his breath back before speaking. "Now listen up, all of you," he snarled as he cast a glare about. "Let me make this clear… if Zoro fights that captain, right here and right now, then he will win, we will move on…" He jabbed his 'finger' at Soundbite. "And it will all mean absolutely _nothing!"_

T-Bone gave Leo a flat look. " _What are you talking about, Dugong?"_

"I'm talking about the fact that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link," Leo growled firmly. "Zoro can beat you, sure, but what will that prove, that one of our strongest is strong enough? _No."_ He shook his head. "It would be utterly pointless! You want to duel with a swordsman? You want to see how strong we truly are? Then you'll fight _me!"_ Leo slammed his fist into his chest before adopting a scowl. "And besides… this was my fight from the second you uttered your challenge."

He slapped his flipper on the floor of the car. "For the duration of this voyage, this Sea Train is our ship, and we Dugongs are the ships' _guards!_ It is our _duty_ to protect this train with all that we are, and all that we have to give! If I cannot stop you, if I cannot fulfill my duty…" Leo flung his fist out furiously. "THEN WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHALLENGE ENIES LOBBY!"

Stunned silence fell—or as silent as you could get in the middle of a storm like this—for the next half minute. Then Luffy broke it.

" _Do you think you can win, Leo?"_ he asked seriously.

The Dugong jerked his head with an indignant snort. "I _know_ I can,"

" _Well, then, you'd better get up here, because I can see the Steak-Man!"_

A pause, and then a chorus of facepalms rang out. Even _Zoro_ could be heard slapping a hand on his face.

"We really should have seen that one coming," Usopp groused.

Nonetheless, Leo swiftly pulled himself together and nodded firmly. "I'm on my way." With that, he leaped to a window—

"…go, Leo, go…"

And paused when a soft voice sounded out. He twisted his head around to stare at the source.

Mikey met Leo's gaze before slowly pumping his fist and speaking again. "Go, Leo, go," he repeated solemnly.

Raphey and Donny gaped at Mikey for a second before glancing at one another and then gaining determined expressions of their own. "Go, Leo, go," they chorused with Mikey, pumping their fists in synch with him.

Chopper, Usopp, and Carue joined in for the next round. "Go, Leo, go."

The Square Sisters entered on the next, adding a degree of energy to the cheer. "Go, Leo, go!"

Then came the Galley-La employees, with Tilestone's bellowing amping it up by another factor _._ "Go, Leo, go!"

And finally, the Franky Family as a whole joined their voices to the chorus, turning it into a straight-up _roar._ "GO, LEO, GO! GO, LEO, GO! _GO, LEO, GO!"_

Nami winced and dug a finger into her ear. "Good grief, they're loud…" she mumbled.

"Gotta admit it's pretty epic, though, right?" I said.

Our navigator allowed the corner of her lips to quirk up. "Well, I never said that it _wasn't…"_

I chuckled a bit before turning my attention to Leo, who was still balancing in the window, and I couldn't help but feel my heart swell at the sight of the tears shining in his eyes. Sadly, I only got a glimpse of them before he blinked them away in favor of a gaze of pure _steel_ before flipping out of the window and up to the roof.

I cackled eagerly as I ripped my jacket's hood up and shoved Soundbite onto my shoulder. "Oh, no way in _hell_ am I missing out on this!" And with that, I ran out between the engine and the car and climbed up onto the roof.

The sheer Gs of being on the roof of a speeding train? Insane.

The rain and seaspray whipping into me? Freezing as all hell.

The effort required to stay standing on the slick steel surface of the Rocketman without falling into the drink? Impossible if not for Zoro's training and the convenient smokestack to cling to.

The scene of complete and utter epicness arrayed before me?

_Worth it in more ways than I can possibly describe._

"IS THIS ANOTHER OF YOUR MASTER'S ROMANCES, YOUNG DUGONG?" T-Bone roared over the raging of the ocean. Squinting ahead, I could barely make out his gaunt form on the tracks.

"NO!" Leo shouted back, tightening his bandana's knot as he balanced on Rocketman's nose. "TO DEFEND ONE'S HONOR AT ALL COSTS, AND TO PUT ONE'S LIFE ON THE LINE FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S FRIENDS IS NOT A MATTER OF A MAN'S ROMANCE! RATHER!" In a flash of movement and steel, the Dugong drew his blades and slammed them together, one blade held horizontal before his face, while the other was twisted into a vertical position so that the blades formed a cross of steel. "IT IS A MATTER OF A MAN'S _PRIDE!"_

T-Bone snorted as he drew his blade up and positioned it horizontally over his brow. "SMOOTH SOARING BIRD: BONE…!"

Leo tensed even further. "Two Sword Style..." He whispered to himself, audible only with Soundbite's aid.

The Captain uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending a wave of pure force _ripping_ through the air as it swooped and spun towards us at absolutely insane speeds. " _PHOENIX!"_

The Dugong swordsman stood firm even as the attack came ever closer, eyes squeezed shut and teeth grit…

Until the attack was a few feet away, at which point he snapped his eyes open… and they _blazed._

"Cross of the Baptist."

In the space of an instant, Leo _moved._

And in that same instant, T-Bone's attack was annihilated, and the Captain himself sent flying through the air, blood flying from both his slack jaws and the cross-shaped slash carved clear through his armor and into his chest.

I winced sympathetically even as I felt a surge of satisfaction.

" **Brutal…"** Soundbite whispered in awe.

Leo panted as he let his swords hang slack before drawing himself upright and slowly spinning his blades into his sheathes. "Thank you, Captain T-Bone…" he whispered breathlessly before sliding his blades the rest of the way in. "For justifying my position on this crew."

_CLONK!_

"YEOW!" Leo snapped his flippers to his skull when Luffy and Zoro rapped their fists over it. "WHAT THE HELL, BASTARDS!"

"That was for doubting your right to be on my crew!" Luffy snorted indignantly.

" _And_ for holding back," Zoro added, paralyzing the Dugong with his frigid glare. "When this is all said and done, we're going at it on Water 7 and we're not stopping until you've given me _everything_ you've got. _Got it?"_

The only response Leo could muster was a pained whimper.

I chuckled as I watched Leo shrink back from Zoro before sliding back down to the engine and car coupling. Well, that was sufficiently epic. Now, to get out of these sopping-soaked clothes and—!

I paused midway through taking my hat off and stared thoughtfully at it for a second before grinning madly and running into the car.

"Hey, Usopp!" I called out, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Got a rush job for you, priority one, ASAP!"

**-o-**

"Alright, beret girl," Franky said, cracking his knuckles. "Are you ready?"

"You keep asking that question. I'm starting to wonder if it means what you think it means," Conis dryly replied.

The cyborg cocked an eyebrow in interest. "Huh. Sarcasm. I didn't think a sweet girl like you had it in her."

Conis pointedly spun one of her pistols around her finger. "I'm a trained commando armed to the teeth who has a fox as a companion. I've got it in me, I just keep it buried."

"Su su~!" Su yipped proudly.

Franky shrugged as he flipped his palm open. "Fair enough. Alright, go in three."

Conis spun to face the door and raised her leg. " _Three."_

_SMASH!_

The door shot out of its frame like a cannon... and only got a scant few feet before being reduced to _sawdust._

Franky and Conis darted into the car behind the door, and they had their weapons up and ready just as the cloud was starting to settle.

When the dust cleared, it revealed that all four Cipher Pol agents ready and waiting with guns in hand and aimed at the pirates, with Robin standing in the corner behind them.

All in all, it was a perfectly textbook Mexican standoff… save for a single detail.

"Why are you all pointing your guns at _me?"_ Conis protested in a tone that was dangerously close to a whine, in spite of nearly a half-dozen firearms being pointed at varying parts of her body.

"Because Franky's bulletproof," Kaku deadpanned.

" _SUPER_ bulletproof, squarenose!" Franky barked with an indignant scowl. "Tsk, you never _did_ say it right…"

"Well, while we're being honest, I'd like to throw my own hat in the ring," Kalifa spoke up. "Do us all a favor and get over that mountain you call an ego, you puffed-up gorilla."

Franky glowered for a second more before smirking wryly. "Y'know, maybe you _should_ take Cross' advice and try being more bubbly," he remarked.

Kalifa looked as though she'd bitten into a lemon… or a Devil Fruit. "I would sooner kiss that bastard than take his advice."

Kaku smirked slightly. "I'll second—!"

" _Enough."_

Kalifa and Kaku's expressions promptly wiped themselves clean as Lucci's voice all but whipped through the air.

The lead agent eyed the two pirates. "Surrender now and you will be taken in alive. Resist, and you will be terminated."

Franky scoffed as he cracked his head to the side. "Two things. A: if Cross was right about even _one_ layer of Impel Down—and there is a SUPER amount of evidence to support that!—then death is better than being taken alive. And B: those Iron Bodies of yours are pretty SUPER, sure, I know that better than anyone…" Franky grinned malevolently as he raised his scope to his eyeline and twisted his wrist, causing the scope's focus to zero in. "But one flaw I couldn't ever fix in me were the _eyes._ You guys have any better luck?"

Kaku, Kalifa, and Blueno flinched infinitesimally, all of them instinctively snapping one of their eyes shut.

Lucci, however, remained entirely unfazed as he stared down Franky's barrel. "I would advise against such a course of action."

"And why would that be?" Conis asked testily as she alternated her targets.

"Because if you should harm any of us…" Lucci stepped aside, and Conis and Franky tensed at the sight that was revealed. "Then these two will die."

Boss and Sanji were lying prone on the ground, each held down by a dozen autonomous arms and both with a significant number of the limbs wrapped around their necks.

"Sorry, my dear Conis," Sanji wept somewhat dramatically. "We ran into something of a snag."

[Snag nothing!] Boss barked indignantly. [What we ran into is a _hostile fucking host—_ GRK!] The Dugong was cut off by a foot stamping his face into the carpet.

"Be quiet," Kalifa ordered.

"What happened to Robin's condition to not go after any of us?" Conis growled.

"You're the ones who came after us. Therefore, your argument is irrelevant," Blueno replied tonelessly.

"And they won't harm you if you just _go!"_ Robin insisted with more than a little desperation. "Just leave me! This is my choice! If you all were to sacrifice yourselves for my sake, then my life…" She hugged herself with a desperate shudder. "Then my life would have no meaning…"

"As Straw Hat would say, for someone so smart, you're _really_ stupid, Nico Robin," Franky said.

Robin was silent for a moment before smiling tearfully. "And as Cross would no doubt say… love and fear make people do stupid things."

"Enough with the semantics." Lucci's voice chopped through the conversation like a guillotine. "For now, it would seem as though we are at an impasse."

Silence fell for a single second before Robin spoke again, her head bowed. "Please just leave. You'll be safe if you just do the right thing and _leave me,"_ she begged.

Conis shook her head. "I'm sorry, Robin, but we can't do—"

_Clink-clink!_

All noise in the car stopped as the tinkling sound of glass drew everyone's attention to the center of the room, where a smoking vial was rolling to a halt.

"Su su~!" Su announced triumphantly as she spread her paws in the closest approximation to peace signs she could manage.

Rob Lucci scowled darkly. "Oh, you _little—!"_

_FWOOM!_

The pink smokescreen that exploded into the car a moment later drowned out the remainder of Lucci's words, along with the barrage of gunfire that blasted out as everyone fired their guns at once.

"Damn it, I can't see worth shit!"

"Stop them, now!"

"Easy for you to say, not all of us are Zoans!"

"Gah, who just bit me!?"

[My bad!]

"Agh! No, let go of me!"

"I got her! Now come on, let's get out of here! 1.5 COLA! COUP DE—!"

"Look out, he's going to use—!"

" _BOO!"_

_PPPHHBBBT!_

"OH, THAT IS _RANK!_ WHAT THE HELL, FRANKY!?"

"Ugh… fuck this, I need a smoke."

" _NO, WAIT, DON'T—!"_

CLI— **KA-BOOM!**

The resultant explosion blasted the train car in half, launching the Cipher Pol agents into the half still attached to the train engine, while the Straw Hats landed in the other half.

"I'm sorry, Sanji…" Conis groaned as she lifted her dust-clogged goggles from her eyes. "But that was _not_ your brightest moment."

"In my defense…" the cook pointed into the air with a slight slur. "I might or might not have gotten kicked in the head a few times. _And_ it's also all Franky's fault."

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" the Cyborg scoffed as he stood up. He then grinned triumphantly as he realized that he was still carrying someone under his arm. "And I mean it _all_ worked! We got Nico Robin! How's that for _SUPER?"_

"How'd you find her, anyways?" Conis questioned.

"Eh, just grabbed the first person with breasts and no wings that I could find. Though…" Franky frowned in confusion. "It's weird, I coulda _sworn_ that she was bigger…"

"That's sexual harassment."

Franky's eyes shot wide in terror. "Oh, _shi—!"_

_THWOCK!_

" _Hoorgh!"_ His words devolved into a pained groan as he folded around the elbow Kalifa had buried in his gut.

The pirates all stared in horror as the blonde agent stood up and dusted herself off.

"B-But if she's here—!" Conis stammered.

"Then it means that you all have _lost,"_ Kalifa confirmed. An instant after she finished speaking, a thorn-like whip snapped from the other half of the car a few meters away and wrapped itself around the other half.

"Owowowow _ow!"_ Kaku winced as he struggled to hold the cars together, the whip digging through his Iron Body. "How do you even _use_ this thing, dagnabbit?!"

"It's all in the grip," Kalifa called over her shoulder. She then affixed Franky with a glare. "Now, as for _you—!"_ She proceeded to slam her heel into the Cyborg's jaw, launching him to the side… and through a door that had opened into the air and into Blueno's waiting arms.

"In case it bears repeating…" Kalifa adjusted her glasses as she started to step through the door herself. "You are under arrest."

"And just where do you think you're going?" Conis demanded as she clawed her way to her feet, legs shaking as they did their utmost best to support both her and her bazooka, while Boss forced his way into a tentative kneeling position with his fist.

"To Enies Lobby, of course." Kalifa tossed her hair as she turned to leave. "You're free to follow us if you so choose, but honestly, if you have any respect for your crewmate?" She gripped the edge of the 'doorway'. "Stay away."

Boss leaped forwards, Conis was flung on her ass as she fired…

And both missed spectacularly as the door slammed shut.

An instant later, a door opened in the air on the remaining train car, disgorging its three occupants and prompting Kaku to release the whip he was clutching.

In a matter of seconds, the Puffing Tom was almost a mile away and all the pirates could do was _stare_.

Boss ground his cigar between his teeth for a moment before slowly starting to sign. {We're going after them, right?}

"Damn straight," Sanji bit out darkly before shaking his head with a sigh. "Damn it… the only thing I regret is that we weren't able to do anything more damaging in the process…"

Conis started to nod in agreement as she stood back up, before pausing as she noticed something, and then grinned ecstatically. "Actually," she spoke up in a much lighter tone. "I'm pretty sure we've managed to accomplish _something_ that's going to do a lot of damage to the World Government."

"Oh, yeah?" Sanji asked as he and Boss turned their heads. "Whaaaa… _ooooh…"_ he trailed off as he caught sight of what she was looking at.

"Su," the fox said smugly, her paw resting on a familiar leather bag.

"I _think_ that Cross will be happy to have this back," Conis stated.

**-o-**

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" I repeated ecstatically as I swung a somewhat dizzy Conis around.

"He-e-e's ha-a-appy…!" Conis got out in a bit of a groan.

"Really happy," Su snickered from where she was safely perched on a nearby bench.

"Really, really happy," Yokozuna croaked out from beside one of the windows he was watching through.

"Extremely happy," Kokoro agreed.

" _Sooo_ happy!" I repeated as I redoubled my grip on our gunner.

" _My spine!"_

" _Ooooo-_ kay, happy man,"

"YEOW!" I yelped, dropping Conis as a result of Nami suddenly giving my ear a hard yank.

"No paralyzing our crewmates," she deadpanned.

"No rendering us deaf either, damn it!" I yowled miserably.

"Technically, losing an ear would only maim you; so long as your eardrum was left uninjured—!"

"NOT HELPING, CHOPPER!"

"Alright, as amusing as this is," Boss interrupted, staring at me. "I know that you want it to be her story to tell, but now that we're back with you all and we've got a chance, would you mind clarifying _just what the hell her freaking malfunction is!?"_

"Ah…" I glanced at him hesitantly.

"Seriously, Cross, I tried to talk her into coming back, and the more I went on, the more she withdrew." Boss grimaced uncomfortably. "I've seen it before in the older members of the clan, but this…" He shook his head with a haunted look. "At the lowest point, she was curled up and laughing in a way that made my blood freeze. I've seen some shit, but that was… like nothing I've even _heard_ of."

"A traumatic flashback," Chopper decided. "They must know whatever she went through and are using some sort of stimulus from it to coerce her. The sheer fear of the trauma is overriding all logic, so she's acting irrationally in a manner that makes sense to her. In a manner of speaking… she's gone temporarily insane." A concerned expression spread across her face. "But the sheer degree of trauma you're describing… I've only ever heard of it in the case of war survivors or the worst kind of child abuse…"

I sighed as everyone's eyes fell on me—and I mean _everyone's—_ but ultimately, I reasoned that since Aokiji had given away some of it, I could afford to give away a little more. But no more than I needed to.

"Those in the Marine Corps who have obtained the rank of Admiral are granted the authority to use the Marines' ultimate weapon, known as the Buster Call. Once the authorization signal is sent, the Marines will send five Vice Admirals and ten battleships to the designated location… and said location will be summarily _obliterated_. No mercy, no restraint, no discrimination, just pure destruction. Once all is said and done, all that's left is a lifeless rock that will not be included in the following year's maps. All records wiped, all memories erased. They _kill_ the island, full stop." I grabbed the brim of my hat and tilted it down solemnly. "At the age of eight… Robin had a front row seat to the onslaught, in all its horrific glory."

I shook my head at everyone's horrified expressions. "Spandam, the Chief of CP9, has in his possession the means through which to send the signal. Maybe Aokiji gave it to him, maybe he stole it, but it doesn't really matter in the end; the mere _threat_ of him pushing that button is all that's needed to bring Robin's trauma screaming back to the fore and shut down every logical part of her brain." I scowled grimly. "If we're going to snap Robin out of it and get her back on our side, we're going to need to do something _drastic_." I grinned confidently. "The good news on that front, however, is that I've got the perfect stunt in mind."

I moved to sit down—

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!"

"GAH!"

When I was suddenly accosted by a ballistic ball of white fuzz latching onto my collar and snarling into my face.

"This jackass has been screwing with us and dangling morsels of knowledge before us for as long as we've known him, _and my patience is at an end!"_ Su bit out viciously. "Either you talk and you talk right the hell now, _or I will take your damn snail and turn it inside out for answers!"_

"TRY IT, _**puffball!"**_ Soundbitesnarled, snapping his jaws for emphasis.

I opened my mouth to refuse before slowly shutting it as I thought better of the idea. I'd said that I would settle for telling everyone else sooner if worst came to worst, and it seemed that it had. And this was the calmest things were going to get before we hit Enies, so…

"I was hoping to tell Robin at the same time, but considering that at this point, that would require waiting until we got back to Water 7…" I gently peeled a suddenly compliant Su off of my chest and handed her off to Conis. "Fine, you've waited long enough. Everyone who's _not_ part of the crew, please give us some space. This is the kind of intel that'll either drive you mad, land you in a looney bin, or get you killed."

The Galley-La foremen, Zambai, and the Square Sisters complied, exiting to the roof of the train car and the Franky Family's floating trailer. Regardless, it would pay to have extra security. I nodded to Soundbite, noise filled the air, and then I began the talk the same way I had when we left Drum. "Have any of you ever heard of the multiverse theory?"

Unsurprisingly, the only one to raise his hand—or flipper, in this case—was Donny. "I heard about that when I was eavesdropping on a few scientists who came through Nanohana! Something about there being infinite other worlds out there for everything that could happen. Like, in one world, we may have never met Boss, and in another, Eneru may have killed us—"

"And in another," I cut in before he could build up steam. "There may be a completely different history from the dawn of time, to the point that there was never a Grand Line, a Pirate King, or a World Government. Heck, maybe even most of the landmass in the world was on seven continents instead of countless islands."

"Ah..." Donny blinked curiously. "Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Simple," Su remarked, drawing everyone's attention. "He wouldn't give such a detailed description of a world unless it was _his_ world."

I chuckled in response to her reasoning and everyone else's incredulity. "To quote Satori, 'it would appear that the sayings about the intelligence of foxes are true'."

"Eh, more logic than anything," Su said dismissively before tilting her head, her expression still inscrutable. "But that raises more questions than answers. If you're from another world, then by all rights, you should know _nothing_ about ours. But instead, you know far more than most people, even the most informed. How is that possible?"

"It's simple, really," I smirked almost bitterly. "Let's continue our… little hypothetical from earlier. Imagine, if you will, that in that other world, a man, an average, everyday—GRK, OWOWOW!" I suddenly cut off as a migraine hit me like a sledgehammer. "M-Make that _glorious_ and _beyond talented_ _superhuman?"_ I tried desperately.

I sighed in relief when the pain went away. Well, looks like 'Goda' is alive and well. That or B.R.O.B. is a diehard fan. "Anyways… imagine that that person began to publish a comic book, and said comic book happened to portray another world. For the sake of conversation, let's say it's about a world fraught with impossibilities and oceans and islands. Imagine that that comic book grew to be incredibly popular all over the world. Imagine that some fans of it even thought about how awesome it would be to live in that world, and wished that they could go there."

I looked up at them, smiling sheepishly as I scratched the back of my head. "And imagine that one fan with a big mouth happened to say that within earshot of a real Bastard of a Random Omnipotent Being, who immediately granted the wish, and marooned him on an uninhabited island in that world where he met a Transponder Snail that ate the Noise-Noise Fruit."

Boss was looking at me with wide eyes, his cigar fallen from his mouth, and Donny and Leo had similar expressions. Even Su seemed surprised.

"Uh… what's your point?" Conis asked.

"I don't get it either," Raphey and Mikey chorused.

I facepalmed with a weary sigh. "Boss, Su, I believe you know the appropriate course of action here."

_CLONK-CLONK! SMACK!_

"Oww…" Mikey and Raphey moaned, nursing the goose eggs on their scalps.

"That _hurt_ , Su," Conis said in frustration, rubbing her right temple where Su had tail-whipped her.

"You three deserved that," Zoro said with a shake of his head. "Luffy's the only one on the crew who has _any_ right to be that thick."

"Hey!" Luffy cut in. "I'm not that thick!"

"You kept trying to eat those pink clouds we ran into a while back even after you fell through them," Zoro countered.

"But they looked soooo good! Like cotton candy!"

"He's saying that it's _not_ a hypothetical situation, morons," Boss clarified, pointedly ignoring Luffy. "He's the one who got dropped here by that Random Omnipotent Bastard or whatever it was, and he knows so much because he _read_ the story about this world. Specifically, the story about _this damn crew._ "

"Exactly," I said. "The story was far from finished when I got sent here, so I don't know _everything_ that's going to happen." I grimaced nervously. "Especially now that I've started the SBS. I'm just lucky that it would take something _seriously_ warped to throw off the basic outline of the story, so I can still use what knowledge I _do_ have to help our journey however I can. Obviously," I indicated the train car around us. "That doesn't always work out as well as I'd hope."

"So… you're stuck in this world?" Conis clarified hesitantly.

I shrugged indifferently. "B.R.O.B. said that I'd be able to travel between my world and this one whenever I want… _after_ Luffy becomes the Pirate King. Though mind you!" I promptly stuck my finger in the air. "I'm not part of the crew to guarantee that, that was already a foregone conclusion before I joined and _not_ due to Luffy being the protagonist, that's for damn sure—!"

"Never doubted it," the erstwhile uninformed stated in unison.

I smiled in relief before scowling. "But in the meantime, I'm expected to keep it entertained during our voyage, and I don't have any room to ask for favors since it gave me the transceiver. But, while I'm thinking about it…" I snapped a glare upwards. "I can't believe I'm doing this, but… look, a bargain is _different_ from a favor, alright? Quid pro quo in whatever capacity I can give! And after coming this far, after doing this much…" I snapped my hand into a trembling white fist. "I'm willing to try making one if it means I can save Merry. So… you game?"

Silence for a moment. _Then_ a window blasted open out of nowhere and a note slapped me in the face. Pulling it off with nary a flinch, I scanned over the words and exhaled wearily. "'Just do what you do, and _maybe_ if I'm amused enough, I'll give you half a chance. Otherwise, you'll have to go through what Prince Bellett did if you want to save her.'"

"Who's that, Cross?" Luffy asked curiously.

I opened my mouth to reply, but paused, frowning in confusion. "…Actually, I'm not sure. Sounds like he could be from either here or my world…?"

An unnoticed half of the paper suddenly unfolded. I scanned over it, paled, and promptly folded the paper back up. " _Right!"_ I said in a too-high-pitched voice. "I might love Merry, but I sure as hell don't love her _that_ much. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, agreed?"

"What kind of attitude is that, Cross?" Boss barked indignantly, waddling right up to me with the Monster Trio close behind him, their expressions thunderous. "You said you swore to do anything you had to, and if that's the only way—"

I shoved the note in their direction. The captain and the three toughest people in the crew, at least as far as emotions went, scanned over the paper once before they paled as well. Boss then began shredding the paper in the most efficient and complete manner possible.

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Agreed," he mumbled in a dull tone as he tossed the paper scraps out the window, with Zoro, Luffy and Sanji nodding along, and everyone else too scared to not accept.

"Right!" I barked as I slammed my hands together in an attempt to force things forwards. "Now, that's my secret told. Unfortunately, however, if you're hoping for some knowledge on what I've seen about you, I don't have much to offer; none of you were with the crew in the story. You only joined due to my interference."

"Well, now that you mention it, I'm sort of wondering about way back when we first joined the crew," Raphey spoke up. "When Soundbite gave us our group's name, and you complained about sanity—?"

"And what about my voice, eh?" Su concurred eagerly. "Who's… Vulpix, was it?"

"That can wait until _after_ we've burned Enies Lobby to ash and gotten our archaeologist back," I stated, my tone brooking no argument. "Anything else _critical_ , or shall we get to strategic planning?"

_RATATATATATAT!_

I snapped my gaze upwards in aggravated confusion as the sound of an _intense_ gunfight erupted from the roof of our train. "Oh, what the hell now?"

"GUYS, LOOK—!" Zambai suddenly bellowed.

_SMASH!_

Before _another_ window suddenly imploded, allowing a _gun-toting otter and vulture_ to barge into the car.

"Alright, Cross!" 13 roared at the top of his surprisingly potent lungs as he waved his relatively massive shotgun around. "Our patience is at an _end!_ Either you come with us, or else—! Ah…" The otter trailed off and slowly lowered its gun as it took account of the identities of the _rest_ of the passengers in the car, his shattered sunglasses falling slightly askew in the process. "Hoo boy…"

Friday swallowed audibly as she dropped her machineguns and raised her wings above her head. "I _knew_ we should have waited for the concussions to wear off. This sounded like _far_ too good of a plan."

13 whimpered as he mimicked her. "In retrospect, you're entirely right."

"You two are really stupid," Luffy deadpanned, albeit with a hint of an edge to his voice. "Hey, Sanji, can you cook them?"

Sanji took a drag from his freshly lit cigarette and eyed the assassins menacingly. "In all honesty? I doubt it. Not a lot of appetizing recipes that involve otter and vulture…" He took an extra-deep drag, allowing the flame to highlight his face in shadow. "Meaning that we won't be wasting any food by wasting these two and tossing their bodies into the ocean."

"Oh, please, allow me," Boss said with a smug grin, cracking his neck in preparation. "Now, it doesn't matter why, but I am friends with some Bananagators."

_That_ snapped me out of my shock and allowed me to shoot a glare at Boss. "Cool your jets, Carville, there's no need to go _that_ far."

The Dugong shot me a skeptical look. "You sure, Cross?"

I leveled my eyes at the two assassin-animals. They stared back in equal parts hatred and fear. I thought things over for a second and then… I turned my back on them. I turned my back on them and waved my hand in what I _knew_ was a clear show of dismissal. "A couple of bastards that can't let go of a grudge? Just tie them up and toss them on the tracks so that they can _walk_ back to Water 7. If it's my say in the matter you want, my opinion hasn't changed: _they're not worth killing."_

I kept my back turned to them even as the sounds of a brawl suddenly rang out, rodential squeaking and avian squawking echoing around the room until finally they were overpowered by the sound of the car door slamming shut.

I nodded decisively before turning back to the rest of the group, unwilling to waste any more thought on the pests. "Alright, with _that_ out of the way, Soundbite, call the others in. It's time to get to planning our assault."

In short order, the crew, the Franky Family, and Galley-La were surrounding me as I sat on a seat and got my thoughts in order.

"Alright, first off, descriptions of CP9. Starting with the section chief, Spandam."

I looked up, pure hatred in my eyes, and everyone flinched back. "As we discussed back on Water 7, Franky has a past with him, and he didn't get all of his anger out for what he did to Tom. So, he'll need to stay alive until Franky has his revenge, and most likely Robin too while we're at it. But after that… unless I find a way to make it so he'd _prefer_ death, unlike the pests from earlier, you have a green card to make sure and utterly _certain_ that he doesn't make it out of Enies Lobby alive."

Several of my crewmates were facing me with disturbed expressions, as were the few outside of the crew. My next words wiped that away. "He framed Tom's Workers to force Tom into accepting the punishment for building the Oro Jackson, solely for the purpose of advancing his career. And he's going to be _torturing_ Robin in every imaginable way from the moment she gets to his office, solely for _amusement_. That's two examples, and the rest of what I know about him aren't any better. Anybody still feeling generous?"

And _that_ was the end of their reservations.

"Didn't think so. Physically, he's nothing; the only weapon he has besides his authority is a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. And an elephant, bladed trunk or not, shouldn't be a problem for any of you."

Everyone nodded, fury blazing in all of their expressions, and I shook my head as I focused on what came next.

"As for the actual assassins… Luffy, you'll be fighting Lucci. You can handle most of it yourself, but I _need_ to warn you about one thing." Luffy's eyes narrowed in discontent, but he nodded, and I continued. "The fighting style may be called the Six Powers, but for true masters of it like Lucci, there's a seventh technique called the Six King Gun. It takes a ton of energy to use, and it only works at point-blank distance, but its effect is about the same as using a _Reject_ Dial." I held my arms in front of me, fists clenched and turned to the sides, like holding a steering wheel. "If you see Lucci take this pose, steer the hell clear. He'll only use it as a last resort, but it'll hurt you a _lot_ more than it'll hurt him."

Luffy nodded in grim acceptance, and I turned my gaze to our first mate.

"Now, moving on to the second strongest. Zoro, Kaku considers himself a user of the Four Sword Style; he wields two swords and is a master of the Tempest Kick technique. Besides that, he should have received the Ox-Ox Fruit, Model: Giraffe from Spandam. He may look silly for it, but it's made him a lot more powerful and given him a lot more reach, so be careful."

"A giraffe," Zoro replied flatly.

I snapped a finger up. "Consider: Tempest Kick works by sending out a gust of air from a fast-moving limb. Giraffes are known for _what_ prominent feature?"

Zoro cocked an eyebrow. "Long ne…" He trailed off before nodding firmly. "Got it."

"Right." I moved on to our cook. "Sanji, the next strongest is Jabra, a wolf Zoan. His specialty is the Iron Body technique; you'll need Diable Jambe to even hurt him. Besides that, just don't let your guard down and you should be able to crush him without that much trouble." Sanji nodded in confirmation, and I considered what to say next.

"Blueno is next. In the story, Luffy wiped the floor with him as soon as he started using Gear Second. Really, the most threatening thing about him is his Door-Door Fruit, especially the fact that he can make doors out of the—"

I trailed off with a pained gurgle as a horrifying thought hit me.

"What is it, Cross?" Zoro asked sternly.

"…The air. Blueno can make doors out of the air to another dimension where he can see everything that happens on this side. The only way in and out is his powers… _that's_ why Luffy took him out first. If Blueno takes Robin into the Air Door, there's _literally_ nothing we'll be able to do to save her before she gets to the Gates of Justice and out of our reach." I snapped a desperate look to our captain. "Alright, priority one is taking him out, before anything else."

Luffy nodded again as he slammed his fists together.

I shook my head as I tried to get my head back on track before turning to Chopper. "The next strongest is Kumadori. Big guy, long pink hair, and a master of Life Return, otherwise known as Bio-Feedback. He's also so hammy he might as well be cured, so if you praise him, you may be able to get some secrets out of him before the fight revs up."

" _Oooooh, I like the sound of that,"_ Chopper's eyes shone as he grinned eagerly.

"Don't get too eager there, Heterodyne-lite," I warned with a rap of my fist on his forehead. "The guy gets away with acting like an idiot because he gets his job done, and his job is killing people. If you give him an inch once you start fighting, you won't get back the mile he'll take. Put it this way: the way I saw things, you were only able to beat him by resorting to 'that'. And that would be potentially deadly for all of us right now. BUT!" I stuck a finger up when Chopper paled in horror. "If there's legitimately no other choice, if he is guaranteed to kill you if you don't…" I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. "Do it. Do it without a moment's hesitation or worry, knowing that we _will_ take 'that' down, no matter how it's evolved, and that we will _not_ let it harm anyone. Alright?"

Chopper swallowed before nodding firmly and began rifling through his arsenal of test tubes. I looked upwards again in thought. "The last one that wasn't on Water 7 is Fukuro. He'll stick out like a sore thumb: round body and a zipper over his mouth. His specialty is the Shave technique. Franky will probably end up fighting him, but he's a gloating S.O.B., so with any luck we'll be able to take him down ahead of time, in which case it'll be all the better for us."

I turned towards Nami. "Kalifa is the weakest of them, and she'll probably be using her new Bubble-Bubble Fruit powers to fight. Quicknotes version for strategy: don't let the bubbles touch you, don't let _her_ touch you, use water to counter, and as soon as her guard is down, electrocute her. She can use her new powers to guard against lightning if given the chance."

Nami nodded confidently, and I looked at the Galley-La foremen and Zambai. "You guys will be responsible for taking out the small fry. Sodom and Gomorrah can plow through most of them, but there are a few things to be wary of. A group of fifty soldiers who ride on wolves and have knives on their forearms; the Just Eleven Jurymen, eleven huge men who swing around steel balls and chains as big as they are; and Judge Baskerville, three people in one costume who swing a giant sword. Oh, and watch out for the mortar cannons, too."

The four of them nodded grimly.

"But!" I snapped a finger up. "All of them are your _second_ priority; the first is reaching the courthouse at the end of the island. There are two towers on the sides of the courthouse, and there are switches at the top of each tower guarded by the Jurymen. If you pull both switches, a drawbridge will lower from the courthouse to the Tower of Justice. Priority one is lowering the bridge and keeping Baskerville or _anyone_ else from stopping it."

"Got it. So, what's the plan for going in?" Zambai asked.

"Right!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "First things first! Luffy!"

"Yeah?" Luffy perked up promptly.

"As soon as we reach Enies Lobby, you're to charge ahead and crush all resistance as you head for the tallest tower at the far end of the place. That's where they're keeping Robin. Take out as many as you can, stay alive, and above all else?" I grinned eagerly. "Have fun!"

"Right!" Luffy nodded with an oblivious smile.

"WHAT?!" chorused most everyone else in the car.

"Oh!" I snapped my fingers as a thought hit me. "But do me a favor and leave the ones at the second gates conscious, alright? I want them awake for what I've got planned for them."

"Shishishi! Got it, Cross!" Luffy snickered.

I then held up an arm to block the dope slap that Nami aimed at me.

"Do you think that Luffy would be able to wait five minutes to hear our plan?" I deadpanned before cocking my head to the side. "No, more plainly: do you _honestly_ think he would follow a plan at all?"

The indignant reactions from my crew promptly snapped into resignation.

"Didn't think so. Rule one of planning tactics around the Straw Hat Pirates: you don't try to get Luffy to follow the plan. You try and plan around Luffy," I explained.

"Fine, fine, I can't argue with that," Nami grumbled despondently.

"Now, besides that," I said, pointing at the leaders of our allied factions. "The Franky Family, Galley-La Foremen, Usopp and I—!"

"EH!?"

I gave our sniper a flat look. "You're a sniper, they _have_ snipers. Your job is to keep me from getting a new hole in my head, capiche?"

I took his panicked gibbering as a yes.

"Anyway, we'll all head ashore first on Sodom and Gomorrah, and everyone else will wait five minutes for us to clear a landing zone for the rest of us to arrive in. I'll give further instructions as they become necessary."

Everyone started to nod before freezing in realization. " _Landing zone?"_ they all echoed with varying degrees of terror and excitement.

The only answer I deigned to share was a demented grin.

"Ah… I'm sorry, but..." Conis raised her hand hesitantly. "What was that about leaving the ones at the second gate conscious?"

I grinned menacingly as I contemplated what was to come. "Suffice to say… I have something _special_ planned for _them._ But!" I clapped my hands, causing everyone to jump. "That's for then. For now, everyone go ahead and relax and get ready." My mood darkened significantly. "We're heading into the hardest fight of our lives to date." With that, I moved to a lonesome section of the car, leaving the rest of my crewmates and allies to ponder what was to come.

"So, Soundbite, will you be able to make the call now?" I asked.

"OF COURSE! _But what_ _ **are you—?"**_

"Wait for it, you wouldn't want me to spoil the surprise. But in the meantime…" I eyed Soundbite curiously. " _How_ can you make that call? I thought you said that the Transceiver was an all-or-nothing amplification?"

" _Ah,"_ Soundbite, well, 'ah'd' in understanding. " **Well, that's how** IT WORKED AT _FIRST, but I_ **WORKED OUT** _ **HOW TO get around it**_ _back when we were FLOATING DOWN_ FROM SKYPIEA. **It's nowhere near easy, but** _ **I CAN PIGGYBACK OFF of the signal**_ _to make calls solo LIKE ANY OTHER_ ADULT SNAIL." He smirked confidently. " _AND I learned something_ _ **else while I was at it.**_ LEMME SEE THE **idiot box!"**

I gave him a curious look before conceding and drawing the transceiver from its bag, holding it up for him to see.

" _See that red knob,_ **far left end?"** Soundbite gestured his eyestalk at the control in question.

"Yeah? What about it?"

"TURN THAT THING CLOCKWISE _**AND THE BOX WILL EMIT A DEAD ZONE!"**_

I snapped a shocked look at Soundbite. "Wha—you mean that this hunk a' junk will block Transponder Snails!?"

My hopes were dashed as Soundbite clicked his tongue and shook his head " **You only wish.** _NO, THE DEAD ZONE doesn't block all snails._ BUT!" He promptly regained his cocky attitude. " _ **IT**_ **DOES** _**BLOCK SNAILS from hearing the SBS!"**_

Now I was _really_ shocked. "Seriously?!"

"WHY **DO YOU THINK** _ **Pinkie and the Brain**_ _haven't been_ **receiving it** _SINCE Conis joined? Ya know…"_ He grinned impishly. " _ **AFTER**_ **you fiddled around** WITH THAT THINGAMAJIG?"

I whistled in awe. "Hot damn… that's… _wow…"_

"EEYUP!" Soundbite cheered. "RIGHT NOW, _IT'S ONLY SET_ _ **to a few meters wide,**_ **but the max IS ABOUT** _ **TEN MILES!**_ _Enough to cover a whole island!"_

I let out a low whistle as I considered the potential of that. Then I blinked in realization. "Wait a second, how do you even know all of that?" I asked incredulously.

"WELL, _first,_ _ **the thing was**_ **literally BUILT FOR ME!** _ **ALL I HAD TO DO WAS**_ _PAY MORE ATTENTION, and I could tell more_ ABOUT THE _FUNCTIONS,"_ Soundbite crowed, before sobering up. " _ **But**_ **MOST OF IT…"** He sent a hesitant glance at the box. "I JUST… _LISTENED_ **to it,"** the gastropod grimaced. " **And it's NOT A** _ **SIMPLE VOICE."**_

I winced and patted his shell sympathetically before grinning as I considered the implications. "Well, however you did it, nice going. With this, we can broadcast the SBS in live combat _without_ worrying about the enemy hearing what we're saying." My grin became downright vicious. "Which means that we can still take Spandam by surprise. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, but I'm pretty sure that _this,_ " I tapped my finger on the box. "Will be a close second."

" **Eheheheh!"** Soundbite chuckled ecstatically. " _Sounds FUUUN!"_

"Ooooh, it should be," I nodded in agreement. "Now, all we need to do is—!"

"HEEEY! I CAN SEE IT! ENIES LOBBY, DEAD AHEAD!"

I glanced upwards at where the call had come from before standing up. "—get nice and amped. EVERYONE LISTEN UP!"

All noise in the car died as my crewmates looked at me.

"I wanna clarify something for you all before we arrive. I want to make it _perfectly clear_ just how these bastards are manipulating Robin." I paced to the front of the car as I slowly moved my gaze across everyone. "As it stands, it would be safe to assume that the World Government threatened to use the Buster Call on her to make her compliant." I narrowed my eyes menacingly. "That would be false. They did not aim the Call at her. Rather, they aimed it at all of us. They threatened to obliterate us in the most horrific way Robin knew unless she cooperated. Do you understand the implications of what I'm saying? Allow me to clarify."

I held up a finger pistol to my own temple. "They held us hostage. They put a gun to our heads that only Robin could see and threatened to blow our brains out. They played on not only her insecurities, but also her bond to us to make her obey them. In the _simplest_ possible terms…" I scowled furiously. " _They used us._ Used our friendship, used our _trust,_ as a means of _hurting_ Robin. They took something _sacred_ and they twisted it into a _weapon."_

My crewmates were stock still in their seats, emotion blazing in their eyes and weapons and fists clenched. It was Zoro who broke the silence by standing up, his face hard as the steel in his swords. "You don't need to amp us up, Cross," he growled. "We all know what those bastards did, and we're _more_ than pissed off enough for this."

Glancing over the rest of the crew, I saw the same look in their eyes, prompting me to grin viciously. They really _didn't_ need me to fire them up, did they?

But hell…

I slammed my fist into my palm as my grin became downright _demonic_.

Damn if it didn't feel _damn good._

"Alright, in that case, who wants to raze some land and salt some earth?"

The resounding cheers that shook the car were answer enough.

" **Well, that was fun!"** Soundbite cackled. " _Now, let's_ GET OUR _**GRR FACES ON!"**_

**-o-**

"So, Zambai, you ready for this?" I asked with a grin to match his own as I watched Luffy disappear over the top of the Main Gate.

"You better believe it!" Franky's right hand roared, pumping his fist before giving me a once-over. "Looks like you're ready for war too."

I grinned confidently as I thumbed the collar of the new jacket I was wearing. Credit to Vivi, she'd _definitely_ done a good job of choosing the clothes needed to make me look like a badass.

Besides my headphones and cap, I was clad in a hooded brown leather jacket decorated with a multitude of silver clockwork gears cracking and shattering as they ground against one another, visible even past the harness Lassoo was resting in. Beneath that, I had on a black t-shirt that had a bright yellow biohazard symbol practically spray-painted over the chest, with the word 'TOXIC' etched above it in the same color. And to cap it all off, some good ol' fashioned cargo pants. Why mess with what worked, right?

"You're damn right I am," I chuckled. "This… This is going to be _something."_

" _Heheh,_ **yeah!"** Soundbite snickered before glancing behind the both of us. " _ **Although, it looks like**_ **NOT EVERYONE** IS QUITE SO COOL. _SERIOUSLY DUDE,_ **a cape?"**

"S-S-SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE PEST!" Usopp yelped fearfully as he pointed a quivering finger at my shoulder. "I-I-I'M ABOUT T-T-TWO STEPS AWAY FROM PISSING MY PANTS, S-S-SO JUST GIVE ME THIS, D-DAMN IT!"

"Ah, cheer up, Usopp, it's not so bad!"

The sniper jumped slightly in surprise before glancing down at Mikey.

The Dugongs as a whole had decided to upgrade their wardrobes a bit. The Squad had all adopted flak jackets like Boss had found back on Water 7, along with adding their own personal touches. Mikey had a pair of ammo-laden bandoliers crossed over his chest, Raphey had tied a bandanna with a mouthful of fangs over her mouth, Donney had strapped on a pair of bottle-lensed goggles, and Leo… well.

Initially Leo hadn't put on anything all that special, but he'd been halfway through re-tying his headband when Zoro and Boss had exchanged a look. Zoro had then proceeded to yank the Dugong's headband off before he could react and toss the blue fabric to Boss, who then unfolded the bandanna to its full length and tied the entire thing around Leo's skull.

It had taken the swordsman a few seconds to process what had happened, at which point he nodded in grateful acceptance.

Finally, Boss had simply chosen to don a dark-green boxing headpiece he'd pulled from _somewhere,_ over which he'd tied his headband.

It took Usopp a second to muster his nerve, at which point he gave the orange-wearing Dugong a hesitant grin. "Y-Y-You really think so?"

"Totally!" Mikey popped an enthusiastic thumbs-up. "I mean, we're about to march right into the belly of the beast! This is going to be a bloody edge-of-the-scythe battle of the decade! There's gonna be every single chance of us dying at every single second! There won't be a point where this _won't_ be aweso—GRK!"

"THAT'S NOT HELPING, DAMN IT!" Usopp shouted in the Dugong's face as he shook him back and forth by his collar.

"Usopp, calm down!

Luckily, our negotiator was quick to grab his shoulder.

Vivi'd gone for a rather impressive outfit that was a combination of practically flexible and fashionable. She was wearing a white halter top that had a lotus-and-vine design sewn into it in light blue thread, as well as a pair of similarly colored and styled arm warmers that started just above her elbows and ended a few inches below her wrists, partially hiding her hands. Below the waist, she had on a pair of denim shorts that stopped mid-thigh, as well as a frill-edged blue-colored white-detailed sarong that was angled in such a manner that her left leg was hidden.

"They're half trying to psyche you up, half legitimately excited for the coming fight," Vivi soothed him. "And besides, you're going to shore with almost sixty battle-ready guys at your back, I'm sure you'll be fine!"

"Psh, yeah, sixshty againsht sheveral shousand…" Carue snickered as he tilted down the knight-style visor he'd affixed to his hat.

" _Oh, God…"_

"Not helping!" Vivi slapped the back of her snickering duck's head with a sigh. "Alright, can _someone_ please back me up here? I think I might be losing him."

"Let me try!" Conis eagerly said. She was wearing the same style she'd had on at Water 7, but she'd swapped out her color palate in favor of a light-toned urban-camo long-coat over her white turtleneck and donned a pair of light gray combat pants.

The angel was quick to give Usopp a comforting one-armed hug. "You just need to trust in us, Usopp! We'll have your back every step of the way!"

"And besides!" Su crooned from her partner's shoulder. "Look at it this way!" She slapped her tail against the exhaust pipe of Conis' bazooka. "None of them will be toting a Boom Beach Heavy Industries Burn Bazooka! Or—" She swiped her tail over to Conis' rifles. "A pair of ENTAC high-calibre combat rifles! _Or!"_ She zipped to Conis' waist and tapped her paw on Conis' holster. "Four, count 'em, _four_ Brown & Boehringer large-bore pistols!" Su cocked her head in a teasing manner. "Trust me, however many weapons those guys have got, they are categorically outgunned."

"Not to mention the fact that we've got Sodom and Gomorrah on our side," Kiwi piped up. "Bullets are like bug bites to them."

Usopp's trembling grew weaker, though it didn't subside. "Y… Yeah, you have a point there."

"That's the spirit!" I said jovially, clapping Usopp on the back. "Now, come on, let's make these guys wish they never heard the name 'Straw Hat Pirates.'"

And so it went, most the Franky Family charging through the few guards at the main gate that Luffy hadn't annihilated while the rest of us performed the laborious task of getting Sodom and Gomorrah mounted on treads.

The yellow King Bull Sodom glanced at his brother. "It's five miles to the Tower of Justice, we got bellies full of fish, a trailer full a' fighters, it's day in the middle of the night, and we're wearing goggles," he summarized blandly.

Gomorrah snorted. "Hit it!"

I gave a cackling Soundbite a flat glare as the bulls steamed for shore. "There was never a chance of us leaving these waters _without_ you quoting those two and using their voices, was there?"

" **NOT A ONE!"**

Lunacy aside, we arrived at the Judicial Island's front door in short order and made our way past the crowd of Marines and Agents that our one-man vanguard of a captain had kindly downed for us. Once the Destroyers blew the doors off their hinges, we strode through... and took a moment to pause and take in the sights before us.

The fact that the island was lit up like it was high noon at midnight had been an incredible enough sight already, sure, but the island itself…

Damn, where to even begin…

Anywhere was viable, really.

The Gates of Justice, which had apparently been designed to emulate the Red Line and Laguna with how they formed a horizon of metal and ensured that none could possibly mistake the global symbol for pure, unflinching order emblazoned upon them.

The falls all around us, which swallowed the ocean uncountable tons at a time and roared and howled with such intensity that not even the blind could forget their presence, seeing as the noise went so far as to shake the innards of everyone even remotely nearby.

Even the island itself, hanging over the gaping abyss below, unwavering and unmoving in spite of the veritable city built upon its back, standing as a testament made material to the sheer, unflinching power of the Justice of the Marines.

It was just a pity that we'd be the last ones to ever appreciate it.

Sodom and Gomorrah charged forward, meeting no opposition, up until the soldiers of the main island gate came into view, at which point I stopped and snapped my fist up. I could feel several incredulous looks snap to stare at the back of my head, but regardless, Sodom and Gomorrah slowed to a stop.

I nodded gratefully and moved to dismount. "Usopp, you're with me."

The sniper whimpered as I slid off the King Bull, slowly following me. I then stepped forward in front of them, Usopp behind me, and waited. After a minute, the Marines began moving closer, two soldiers stepping to the front lines and coming to a stop directly in front of me.

"You are trespassing on Government property. Identify yourselves and state your business," one of them said, though his tone clearly stated that us being here meant we were in deep shit already.

I grinned pleasantly as I sucked in a slight breath. "Hello there, my name is Jeremiah Cross. I am the third mate, tactician, and public relations officer of the Straw Hat Pirates, as well as one of the two co-communications officers and co-hosts of the Straw Hat Broadcasting Station. Maybe you've heard of me?" I took a _lot_ of pleasure in the way the soldiers tensed up. "With me are Soundbite, my co-officer and co-host—"

" **HOLLA!"** the snail in question sang.

"Our sniper, Usopp—"

The long-nose swallowed audibly.

"And a small host various friends and allies who shall remain anonymous. As for our business, it's a matter of theft." I widened my smile slightly. "See, you—that is to say, the World Government—stole our archaeologist, Nico Robin from us. As such, we are here to retrieve her. In pursuit of this goal, we intend to invade the Judicial Island of Enies Lobby, defeat the Cipher Pol No. 9 Agents garrisoned within the Tower of Justice, _including_ the famed soldier of Dark Justice Rob Lucci, raze the island to the ground in a hail of hellfire, and then be on our merry way."

I kept my smile in place as I paused, soaking in the awkward silence as everyone present gaped at me in both awe and horror.

"Ah!" I suddenly snapped my finger up. "But before all of that, I'm going to zap… _you!"_ I jabbed my finger at the soldier on the left. "With lightning," I finished in a calm and _utterly_ honest tone of voice.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then the soldiers started to laugh.

Then I started to laugh.

Then Usopp started to laugh, albeit nervously.

Then I dropped my baton into my hand and snapped it out to its full length before ramming it in the gut of one of the Marines and pressing the button my thumb had been hovering over, discharging a few thousand volts into the man.

Everyone stopped laughing after that.

Specifically, the soldier who was still standing cursed and fumbled desperately with the polearm he was carrying, so I spun around and rammed my fist into his stomach, causing him to double over and breathlessly dry-heave.

By this point, the Marine I'd zapped had had time to marginally recover and was starting to get his wits about him, so I grabbed the back of his head and rammed him into a knee that I brought up, which resulted in him stumbling back with an agonized howl as he clutched his thoroughly shattered nose.

I then turned to the non-zapped soldier as his breathing started evening out, took aim and dropped an armored and _very_ heavy elbow on his exposed upper back, laying him out flat.

Meanwhile, the soldier I'd tazed and kneed had stumbled back towards me and was slouched over _just_ enough for me to grab the sides of his hat—

_CRUNCH!_ "Grhgrgh…"

—and ram my forehead into his already-demolished nose, which resulted in the soldier collapsing into blissful unconsciousness.

Finally, I turned back to the prone marine, who was only just starting to crawl to his hands and knees, and stuck my hand below his face, which resulted in him tensing up in anticipatory terror.

"Impact," I drawled before flexing my palm.

The resulting blast of kinetic energy smashed the soldier's face in and flipped him onto his back, his pained gurgles making it clear that he was well and truly down for the count.

I took a second to pause and roll my shoulders in preparation before shooting a deathly glare at the rest of the Marines who were still standing paralyzed at the Island Gates. "You Government _bitches_ had better go and get the best you got," I called out to them. "Because the next person who comes out here?"

I reached my left arm over my shoulder and pulled Lassoo into position, cocking him menacingly.

"I'm going to do my best to send them back _in a bodybag."_

The Marines stood frozen for a scant second before scrambling around amongst themselves. Ultimately, one of them was booted from the pack and sent running back into the gatehouse, where Soundbite didn't even have to lift an eyestalk for us to hear several distinct yells of "OIMO!" and "KASHI!"

I grinned impishly as I slid Lassoo back onto my back. "Worked like a charm."

Soundbite whistled in awe. " _Hot damn_ , HOTSHOT!"

Usopp, to his credit, wasn't trembling quite so much as I'd have expected, though he _was_ gibbering uncontrollably. "Bu-Bu-Bu—!? But they—!? But you—!? But h- _how—!?"_

I gave our sniper an amused look. "How? Three easy steps. The two halves of number one—" I spun my baton in my hand and rapped my armored knuckles against my forehead, producing a metallic clang in the process. "You made! Love the lightning-stick, even if it does give me _some_ minor flashbacks, and as Luffy has repeatedly demonstrated, you can never have too hard a head! The armor-plating and padding you sewed in is just icing! Number two, Zoro's training." I shuddered in horror. "'Nuff said. And as for number three, well…" I shrugged indifferently. "Never underestimate the element of surprise. Simple as that!"

Usopp eyed me warily before shrugging and looking forward. "Alright, then. In that case, w-why did you need me here?" He glanced at me out of the corner of my eye. "And why did you ask for their strongest, anyway?"

I waited a second, before grinning as I felt the ground begin to shake beneath our feet. "Oh, that's easy. I wanted you here and I called them out because there's something of a… personal connection between the three of you."

Usopp opened his mouth to speak… and _kept_ widening it in horror as a pair of massive shadows fell over us.

I tilted my head at him with a curious expression. "You still like giants, right?"

The shrill wheeze/shriek crawling out of Usopp's mouth was answer enough.

I very casually looked up at the two very different but nonetheless very imposing giants that were towering over us, one muscular and wielding an axe while the other was stout and brandishing a club. Both were grinning down at us in obvious menace.

"Jeremiah Cross and the Straw Hats, huh?" Kashi huffed as he scratched the back of his head with a weary expression. "Well, that's a real shame. You guys're the funniest distraction we've had since we started working here." He shrugged indifferently. "But oh well."

"Yeh, it's too bad," Oimo said, stretching his jaws in a bone-cracking yawn. "But hey, work's work. Now c'mon." He unslung his club and let it slam into the bridge, causing more than a few stones to shake loose from the edges. "Let's get this over with so that we can get back ta' sleep."

The two started to step forward…

"WAAAAIT!"

Before pausing when I raised my voice, an endeavor which Soundbite gladly aided in.

I took a second to huff and get my voice back before continuing at a more sedate—if still amplified—tone of voice. "Before we jump into the fighting and the squashing and all that…" I spread my arms invitingly. "Do you mind if we spare a second to just sit down and talk?"

The giants blinked dully as they glanced at one another before leaning down and eyeballing me.

"Huuuuuh?" Kashi droned in a disbelieving tone. "And why would we do that?"

"Yeah," Oimo snorted. "You guys're trying to pass the gate, and it's our job to stop you! We don't have any reason 'ta talk!"

" _Crooooss…"_ Usopp hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

I ignored him in favor of spreading my hands in a clear show of innocence. "But, sirs! We _haven't_ tried to enter the gate yet!"

_That_ got a lot of people to blink at me in surprise.

"Huh?" the giants chorused.

"Well, I mean, I took down some gate _guards,_ sure." I toed one of my downed opponents, causing him to flop bonelessly over. "But my friends and I haven't even made a single move towards your gate yet. So! We're technically not enemies. So whaddaya say, huh?" I sank down to the ground and tapped what scant grass there was in invitation. "Why not sit down and talk a bit? Just… to kill some time! Come on, pirate to pirate!"

_That_ got Oimo to blink in surprise. "Heeey, how'd you know that we're pirates?"

"Three kinds of Giants leave Elbaf: slaves, Marines or pirates. You're not in uniforms or chains, so there's only one option. And you still haven't answered my question!"

While the giant guards glanced thoughtfully at one another, I snapped my fingers in front of Soundbite and pointed at the Marines still milling about the Island Gate, prompting him to tune them out even as one of them got it into his head to start yelling up at Oimo and Kashi.

Ultimately, the pair grinned and nodded.

"Alright!" "Sounds like fun!"

And with that, the two sank into cross-legged sitting positions, leaning forwards in ill-concealed eagerness.

"So, whaddaya wanna talk about?" Kashi asked eagerly.

"Hm…" I tapped my chin in exaggerated thoughtfulness before snapping my fingers. "Ah, I know, maybe you can answer a question! See, I find myself to be quite curious: what are a pair of Giant pirates, the most honorable pirates on all the Grand Line, if not the world, doing guarding the gates to the _World Government's_ front step?"

Just like that, the pair's expressions darkened. "Ya never pull your punches, do you…" Oimo muttered as he scratched the back of his head before sighing heavily. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to tell you. Kashi and I used to be pirates 100 years ago. We were the strongest crew around, nobody could ever stand up to us… up until that fateful day, when we visited a certain island. Our co-captains got into an argument, and they got into an honor duel, which would have been fine…"

"But neither of them could win!" Kashi flung his hands up in frustration. "They just kept fighting and fighting, and Elbaf's word clearly says that so long as both don't back down, the duel only ends when there's a victor! Their honor would be destroyed if they stopped the duel otherwise."

"Of course, of course," I nodded understandingly, even as I noticed Usopp starting to blink in realization. "I understand completely. Honor is a serious matter for the giants of Elbaf, neither could back down while theirs was still threatened."

"Exactly!" Kashi jabbed his finger at me. "And because it was a duel of honor, none of us, their crewmates, could interfere! The only thing we could do was take our captains to an island where no one would interfere and return home to Elbaf while we waited for them to finish fighting! And we did wait!" Kashi then trailed off and hunched forward with a sigh, balancing his chin on his fists. "For fifty years…"

"But neither of them ever came…" Oimo picked up in a sorrowful tone. "Kashi and I got worried, so we backtracked along the Grand Line to try and reach the island where they were, so that we could check up on them!" He snarled and cast a rueful glare at the still-muted Marines behind him, causing them to flinch back. "But on the way, we got captured by Marines."

Kashi ground his teeth as he gripped his helmet and ground it into his scalp. "Then these bastards told us the truth! The reason why our bosses were late was that they'd been _captured!_ The Government caught them in the middle of their duel and tossed them in Impel Down so that they'd _rot!"_

"We were desperate…" Oimo moaned. "We said we'd do anything if they'd let our bosses go, so the Government made a deal with us: if we defended the gates of Enies Lobby for a hundred years, then they'd let our bosses go and we could all go home! Since giants live to be 300 or so, we didn't think it was a bad deal, so we accepted."

"It's been fifty years since that day…" Kashi stared upwards wistfully. "We're halfway there, but there's a catch: if we get beaten even once, then we need to start over, and our bosses will be long past their prime when they get out if that happens. Either we make it all the way… or bust."

"There've been some fun times, sure, plenty of good fights…" Oimo admitted. "But still… doesn't change the fact that it's been fifty years since we've been proper pirates. And a _hundred_ since we saw our bosses."

A hand landed on my shoulder all of a sudden, and I turned my head to observe Usopp as his expression combined both an apoplectic flush and a ghastly pale. "Yeeesss?" I crooned.

"Are they saying… what I think they're saying?" Usopp ground out.

I jerked my head at the giants. "Why don't you find out for yourself?"

Usopp visibly balked for a second as he stared at the mournful titans… but it was _only_ for a second, after which he steeled his gaze and back and strode forwards. "He—!" His voice croaked for a bit, but it firmed up once Soundbite amped it. "HEY! You two! Your captains, were they named Dorry and Broggy?"

_Everyone_ opposite us jumped, giants and Marines alike, though their motivations were different. The giants did so in shock, while the Marines… they did so in _bowel-dropping terror._

One of them _tried_ to snap open a compartment in his gauntlet to talk to a baby snail hidden within, but Usopp responded by snapping his hand to his side before reconsidering and shooting it to his _back._ In less than a second, he unfolded Kabuto, drew, took aim, fired, and _pegged_ the bastard between the eyes, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Going by how the rest of the Marines snapped their hands up, where we could see them, nobody felt particularly lucky.

Meanwhile, Oimo recovered and blinked at Usopp in confusion. "H-How did you—?"

"And the island you and your crew left them to duel on!" Usopp forged on. "That was the prehistoric island of Little Garden, right!?"

" _Eh!?"_ Kashi slowly clambered to his feet along with his companion as he stared down at Usopp. "How could you know that?"

"How could we _not_ know? Before we came here, my crew _met_ those bosses of yours, and we saw them fighting their duel! The great warriors of Elbaf fighting the same duel, over and over again, for the last hundred years!" Usopp boldly proclaimed, all traces of fear now _long_ gone.

Oimo and Kashi fell on all fours, their eyes close enough to us that we could see our reflections in them. "WHAT!?" they bellowed in a furious synchronization. "ARE YOU SERIOUS!? IF YOU'RE LYING, WE'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE ANTS!"

" _I'M NOT LYING!"_ Usopp shouted back at the top of his lungs, _and_ on his own at that. "I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! ASK ME WHATEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THEM! ABOUT THEIR WEAPONS, ABOUT HOW THEY FOUGHT, ABOUT HOW THEY LOOKED, HOW THEY LAUGHED, ALL OF IT! I'LL ANSWER IT ALL! NO MATTER WHAT YOU ASK, IT'S THE _TRUTH!_ I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT THIS! THOSE TWO…"

Usopp bowed his head for a moment before snapping his gaze up, determination blazing in his eyes. "I SAW THEM AS MY TEACHERS, MY _MASTERS!_ THEY TAUGHT ME WHAT IT WAS TO BE A WARRIOR OF THE SEAS, TO BE SOMETHING I ONLY EVER _DREAMED_ OFF BEING! I SWORE TO BECOME A GREAT MAN OF PRIDE LIKE THEM ONE DAY! YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS?! IT'S A _FACT_ , AND I'LL SAY IT AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES! _WE MET THEM!_ THEY WEREN'T CAPTURED FIFTY YEARS AGO! THAT'S NOTHING BUT A BIG, FAT, _**LIIIIEEEE!"**_

" _AND I CAN PROVE IT!"_ I bellowed in agreement as Usopp took a moment to pant and wheeze desperately before dropping my volume and letting Soundbite take up the slack, though I indicated that he keep it between the four of us and only us. "On our way here, I got in contact with a friend of mine called Pisces, who I asked to call a friend of hers called Capricorn, who got me the number of another friend of mine I call Rooster, who let me speak to a friend of _his_ called… let's go with April—!"

" _ **CALLBACK!"**_

"Shut it! But anyway, April got me the number for the Transponder Snail of a friend of _hers_ called, eh… _Candle."_ I snapped my fingers before Soundbite with a grin. "Let's give them a ring, shall we?"

Soundbite smirked as he narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth. " _Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru puru puru!"_ he sang out, letting the dial tone waft across the bridge.

After a few seconds, however, Soundbite clicked his tongue and adopted a—

I blinked in surprise. The hell? I thought I'd called Dorry and Broggy, not _Gedatsu._

" _HELLO!"_ a very loud and _very_ fake falsetto voice bellowed out. " _WHO IS THIS? THIS IS MISTER THREE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"_

" _Your false accent sucks,"_ Broggy's voice spoke up in a bored tone.

"Seconded," I said in the same tone.

" _SCREW THE BOTH OF YOU!"_ Dorry roared indignantly.

_That_ snapped Oimo and Kashi out of their open-mouthed shock.

"BOSSES!"

" _OW!"_

As evidenced by the two of them _murdering_ my ears.

"Looooud…" I groaned as I dug a finger through my ear.

" _Eh?"_ Dorry blinked in surprise. " _Wait, was that Kashi just now?"_

" _And Oimo too!"_ Broggy beamed jubilantly. " _Hello, boys! Wow, it's been forever since I've heard your voices! How have you been? How's the rest of the crew? How are things on Elbaf?"_

The pair's joyous expressions promptly collapsed into sheepishness, and Oimo spoke up first. "The crew… we're sorry, Bosses, but the crew didn't stay together," he admitted shamefacedly. "A bunch went off solo, others settled down, and the rest… well, they went Marine, but that was just 'cause they wanted good fights and the Marines could deliver that without bein' as dangerous as some of the new crews that have popped up! Dangerous crews, _strong_ crews!" He bowed his head sorrowfully. "Kashi and I… we're some of the last diehards…"

Broggy's expression promptly became regretful. " _Ah… is that so? Well, I guess I can't blame them. It'd be selfish to think that time would stand still for us. I just hope they're happy."_

" _And what about you two, huh? How have the years treated you?"_ Dorry said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

Which only brought Kashi's mood _lower._ "That's the other thing…" he muttered. "Bosses, we're not calling you from Elbaf. We're calling you from _Enies Lobby."_

_That_ struck the twin captains silent. " _What?"_ Dorry whispered incredulously.

"The… The Marines…" Oimo sniffed tearfully, his voice full of shame and regret. "Th-They said that they'd captured you… that they'd locked you up… so we cut a deal to act as guards for your freedom!"

"We've been here for the last fifty years…" Kashi groaned. "All because we doubted your strength… we're sorry, Bosses, so sorry! We've brought shame to the Giant Warrior Pirates! Shame to _Elbaf!"_

"Ho-Hold on! O-Oimo, Kashi, just wait a minute! I-It's a trick!"

Soundbite flinched and cast a glare over at the Marines, specifically the one who'd stepped up and was shouting at the top of his lungs. " _Sorry,_ _ **got caught up**_ **in the moment, JUST LET ME—!"**

"No, no," I stopped him and Usopp with a raised hand, my eyes never leaving the soldier. "Let him speak. I'm… morbidly curious as to how deep a grave he can dig."

The Marine had to pause to catch his breath as he caught up to the Giants, but once he did he jabbed an accusing finger at me. "H-He's lying, he has to be! We really do have Broggy the Red Ogre and Dorry the Blue Ogre in custody! He's just using his snail's powers to trick you into thinking you're speaking with them! I-If you turn on us, then they'll never go free, and you'll join them!"

" _YOU DARE—!?"_ Dorry and Broggy started to roar in synch, but I silence them by clamping my hand down on Soundbite's mouth.

"Now, now," I said soothingly. "Don't be so harsh! After all, he's quite right! That _is_ a possibility! It's _well_ within Soundbite's capabilities to fake the voices of these two's captains! After all, all he needs to do is listen to a person's voice only _once_ to imitate it. Even a single word would do it!"

Oimo and Kashi both stared at me with betrayed and horrified visages, Usopp and Soundbite seemed to be channeling Nami with how hard they were glaring at me, and everyone behind me was shouting at me to, to summarize, ' _STOP SCREWING AROUND, DAMN IT!'_ But honestly, how could I when this was so _fun?_

"H-Ha! You see? He even admits it!" the soldier crowed, getting his bravado back. "So, hurry up and—!"

"Buuuuut!" I cut in smoothly. "I just need you to clarify one iiitty bitty little thing in that case."

The soldier flinched back nervously as he fought to keep his cocky visage up. "O-Oh yeah? What?"

"Well, answer me this," I crooned as I leaned in close, so that my face was inches away from his, so that I could see the _terror_ in his eyes. "Just tell me… _when we could have gotten their voices."_

Even with the falls around us, you could have heard a pin drop.

The now white-faced and wet-pantsed Marine swallowed heavily. "W-W-What?" he whispered breathlessly.

"You heard me," I hissed back. I then jerked forwards, causing him to flinch back and fall on his ass, at which point I loomed over him with a demonic grin. "When did I get their voices? When did I slip away from my crew, on my lonesome, infiltrate the _impenetrable_ underwater gaol of Impel Down, locate Red Ogre Broggy and Blue Ogre Dorry, snag samples of their voices, sneak back out, and rejoin my crew?" I leaned over him, doing my best to channel Doflamingo with every word I spoke. "Weeeell, Marine? _When?"_

The soldier's teeth were outright chattering as he stared at me. " _I-I-I—!"_

I leaned in closer and looked him dead in the eye. " _Speak up, Marine."_

He was silent for a second before swallowing heavily. "I…" he stated in a quiet voice. "Am going to run away now."

I stood back up with a contented smile. "Yes, why don't you go do that?"

The Marine got to his feet in a cool, calm and collected manner, brushed himself off… and then ran past me like there were demons on his ass.

Soundbite cast a dismissive look at the rest of the Marines still standing by the Gate. " **Any other takers?"**

Turns out? There were over three _dozen._ The rest had either fainted or were pulling off an impressive 'terrified goat' routine.

Soundbite rolled his eyes with a scoff as the soldiers ran past us. " _ **The strong and proud my non-existent ass."**_

"Hey, that's U.S., not W.G., don't sully our good name," I muttered back.

" _Impressive, Cross!"_ Broggy laughed. " _And we thought you'd come a long way since we met you before! This new generation never fails to impress! Gabababa—!"_

" _Quiet, Broggy,"_ Dorry interrupted.

" _Hey, what're you—!?"_

" _Why are the Straw Hat Pirates on Enies Lobby, Cross?"_ Dorry asked in an even tone.

"— _ahbuh!?"_ Broggy choked in realization.

"Master Dorry, Master Broggy," Usopp spoke up again, his fear dead and buried as it was before. "The World Government threatened our crew, and one of our crewmates sacrificed herself to them in a misguided attempt to save us." He crossed his arms and bowed his head solemnly. "We're going to invade Enies Lobby and get her back, no matter who or what tries to get in our way."

For a second, there was nothing but silence, then…

" _Guess there's no other option, is there?"_ Broggy grunted in a grim tone.

" _Not a one,"_ Dorry snorted before raising his voice in a bark. " _OIMO! KASHI!"_

"SIRS!" the giants snapped out twin salutes, snapping into kneeling positions.

" _AS OF THIS INSTANT, THE STRAW HAT PIRATES ARE OFFICIAL ALLIES OF THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES!"_ Dorry bellowed.

" _HERE ARE YOUR ORDERS!"_ Broggy roared. " _SUPPORT THE STRAW HATS WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! HELP THEM RESCUE THEIR COMRADE, AND BURN THAT BLASTED ISLAND TO THE GROUND!"_

" _DO WE WE MAKE OURSELVES CLEAR, WARRIORS?"_ they concluded with a united bellow.

"YES, CAPTAINS!" the giants roared as they pumped their fists in the air.

" _Glad to hear it,"_ Dorry sneered viciously.

" _We'll contact you once all is said and done,"_ Broggy concluded. " _Elbaf be with you, Straw Hats."_

"And with you, Captains," I nodded respectfully.

The instant the connection dropped, I shot a nice and evil grin up at the two giants, who matched it tooth for tooth.

"Now then, boys…" I purred as I patted my bag. "What do you say we start this joint venture of ours… _in style?"_

**-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

A chorus of tired groans surfaced among the Red-Haired Pirates as the snail began blaring.

"That loud-mouthed brat… it's the middle of the night!" Shanks glowered as he grabbed the speaker and dislodged it. He then fell back onto his back as music began blaring out at the top of the snail's lungs.

" _FROM DEEP INSIDE THIS SPREADING DARKNESS, A REVOLUTION I'M STARTING TODAY! AND I CAN'T LET ANYONE INTERFERE WITH WHAT I'LL DO, OR GET IN MY WAAAAAY~!"_

The rest of the Red-Haired Pirates promptly became much more awake and much more irritated, though the lyrics of the song grabbed their attention. Finally, a minute or so later, during which the crew began picking up bottles to try to fend off the coming insanity…

" _Good choice for music, Soundbite. Now… hello, everyone. Jeremiah Cross here, bringing you a very special edition of the SBS!"_ The human host's grin suddenly took on a somewhat menacing overtone. " _Which begins right_ now."

" _PFFFT!"_

And one and all, every single one of the Red-Haired Pirates, Shanks included, spat out their drinks, instantly sober and on their guard.

"He started the SBS. He _started_ the _SBS._ I'm not the only one who realizes that that is _never_ a good sign, right?" Yasopp asked nervously.

" _This_ is going to be a broadcast to remember…" Benn mused as he fingered the butt of his rifle.

"Heheh, well at least there's a bright side to all of this!" Shanks snickered as he grabbed a new bottle of grog. "I have a good excuse now! Long live the Straw Hat crew, they drive me to _drink!"_ And with that, he knocked his poison back.

" _Now, I imagine that you're all probably on the edges of your seats wondering_ what _makes this particular broadcast so special, huh? Well, dear viewers, I'll tell you! We of the Straw Hat Pirates have decided to engage in some good ol' fashioned piracy! And I mean the dictionary definition! Just to see what it feels like and prove that we don't fly the Jolly Roger for shits and giggles. As such…"_ If Cross's smile was menacing before, it was downright predatory now. " _We're about to invade, pillage, and_ burn _an island to the ground. Doesn't that sound like fun?"_

" _PFFFT!"_

Only to spit it out immediately afterward.

"SAY WHAT!?" one of the Four Emperors bellowed indignantly.

**-o-**

Sengoku sighed in relief as he leaned back in his chair, casting a thankful eye to the heavens. "So, there actually _is_ a God, huh?" he muttered to himself as he smiled morosely. "Good to know."

The Fleet Admiral started to compose a prayer for those families about to lose their homes in the pursuit of proving, once and for all, that good pirates really _were_ nothing but a myth.

" _So, ladies and gentlemen, before I begin explaining exactly_ why _I'm doing this, I'd like you to listen to the following sound, committed by our two newest allies. Ready, Oimo?"_

Only for _that voice_ to utter _that name,_ causing him to snap his eyes open in horror. "What."

" _Yep!"_

"What!"

" _And you, Kashi?"_

" _What!"_

" _I've been wanting to do this_ my whole life!"

" _WHAT!?"_

" _Then in that case… do it."_

" _ **WHAAAAAT!?"**_ a very large, very golden, very _pissed_ Sengoku roared as he instinctively blew the roof off of Marineford.

" _RIGHT!"_

_SMASH!_

But no amount of fury was able to mask or alter the sound of a titanic amount of stone suddenly shattering like little more than glass.

" _To those Marines who might have found the names of our two compatriots to be somewhat familiar!"_ **that fucking voice** grinned in honest, chaotic amusement. " _Allow me to refresh your memories! Those were Oimo and Kashi! Members of the Giant Warrior Pirates who, up until all of three minutes ago_ , _were detrimentally employed by the World Government to act as guards for the GATES OF THE GOVERNMENT'S JUDICIAL ISLAND,_ ENIES LOBBY!"

" **GAUTAMA FUCKING DAMN IT!"** Sengoku raged as he planted a brilliant fist in what little of his office wall remained before raising his voice. " **SOMEONE GET ME GARP! GET ME TSURU! GET ME** _ **AOKIJI! GET ME**_ **EVERYONE** _**RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"**_

"E-Everyone—!?" stammered one of the _very_ few Vice Admirals who _hadn't_ fainted in the initial blast of existential pressure that the Admiral of the Fleets had emitted.

" _ **EEEVERYYYOOONE!"**_

"Huh, didn't think he could get that hammy anymore…" Garp muttered around the rice cracker he was munching on as he warily eyed the roof of his office.

Said rice cracker promptly found itself inhaled when a golden hand shot through said roof and grabbed his head.

" _ **GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF YOUR BLOOD, YOU DAMN BASTARD!"**_

" _Shit,"_ Garp summarized weakly before he was pulled up and out of his office.

**-o-**

" _To reiterate, ladies and gentlemen of the world, that sound you just heard was us_ breaking down the gates _of Enies. Lobby."_

" _PFFFT!"_

"AGH, SERIOUSLY!?"/"THIS IS _FUCKING DRYCLEAN_ YOU ASS!"

Ace ignored the protests of the two captains he'd sprayed his drink over as he stared at the Transponder Snail on the table in naked awe.

" _I imagine that many of you must be severely confused about the series of events that led us to this moment, huh? Well, let me back track a bit. See, earlier today, the World Government made the absolutely_ mon-u-mental _mistake of stealing one of our crewmates from us. Said crewmate was none other than our mystery member whose identity we've been obscuring up until now: our archaeologist,_ Nico Robin _._ "

"WHAT!?" Squard yelped in shock. "The Demon of fucking _Ohara!?_ Christ, does your brother have a _death wish_ or—!?"

_CRACK!_

"YEOW!" the shark-toothed captain yowled, falling back with an impressive knot on his forehead. "What the _hell—?!"_ he started to get out before freezing as he noticed the rod of metal pointed between his eyes.

"Watch it," Ace scowled viciously as he swayed his pipe back and forth, forcing the captain to trace it with his gaze. "That's my little brother's crewmate you're talking about. And besides that, the whole 'sins of the parent' shit is so stupid that I only expect Marines to be dumb enough to use it. Don't let me catch you being that stupid ever again." Pulling the pipe back a few inches, he lit a flame on the end of it. " **Got it?"**

Squard swallowed in terror as the foreign will cracked over his mind before nodding dumbly. "Got it…"

"Good," Ace snorted as he put his pipe back down. "Now shut up and listen."

" _Now, mind you,"_ Cross continued in a conversational tone. " _I'm not going to give an ultimatum. We are…"_ Cross trailed off into a derisive chuckle. " _Oh, we are so far past that. This is a statement of pure_ fact _. An… An example, if you will. We're going to take a leaf out of the pages of the big black book of piracy! Only…"_

The tactician scowled viciously. " _It's not the edition you were hoping for. We're tearing this straight out of the Four Emperors' personal playbook: you touch one of ours?_ We fuck you up. _This goes beyond a mere rescue mission, this… this is nothing short of a_ crusade. _We are going to_ pummel _the men stationed here. We are going to_ take back _our archaeologist. And besides making the World Government look like the_ idiots _they are in the process? We are going to_ burn this fucking island TO THE BEDROCK _AND CAST IT INTO THE FUCKING ABYSS IT'S HANGING OVER, SENDING IT RIGHT BACK TO WHERE IT FUCKING BELONGS!_ WHO'S WITH ME!?"

" _ **YEAH!"**_ A chorus of warped and distorted voices cheered at once.

Whitey Bay and Squardo could only gape at the snail in mute awe, but though Ace mirrored their expressions for a moment, a different sort of look came into his eyes _very_ quickly as he got to his feet.

"Set sail for Banaro Island."

The two other captains shot questioning glances his way.

"Ace?" Whitey asked.

"Cross said that Blackbeard would be on Banaro Island the next time Luffy's bounty shot up. If _this_ doesn't make that happen, nothing will." The New World captains shot back when Ace suddenly burst into a bonfire. "It's time for Teach to pay for what he did to Thatch!" The Second Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirate shot a furious glare at his comrades. " **WE SET SAIL** _ **NOW!"**_

**-o-**

"Now, rest assured, oh people of the world…" I chuckled into the mic I was clutching. "I won't just leave you all on that. Matter of fact, you're all going to get front row seats to the first act of true justice to occur on this island since it's conception! I can't promise it will be uninterrupted, sadly, but I'll do my darndest to make this show as constant as possible. Don't touch those dials, listeners..." I rammed the mic back into its cradle, making sure that it was facing outwards and thus didn't hang up. "This is going to be the show of the _century."_

With that, I strode forward to stand alongside Usopp, Paulie, and Zambai and join them in eyeing the sheer mass of people arrayed before us.

"So," I started. "What're we looking at here?"

" **2,513 individual soldiers,"** Soundbite provided in an analytical tone. " _ **1,708 Marine soldiers,**_ **805 WORLD GOVERNMENT AGENTS."** He then gained an impish grin. " _Not counting those who are running away,_ OR THOSE SNIPERS WHOSE EARDRUMS I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF _DEVASTATING."_

"Good snail," I chuckled as I petted his shell.

" _ **Best friend!"**_ he cackled back as he preened from the attention.

"And on our side, we have two King Bulls, two giants, the fifty-five members of the Franky Family, two of Galley-La's foremen, the Straw Hat Pirates sans Straw Hat himself, and the four of us?" Paulie confirmed as he slowly wound coils of rope around his knuckles.

"Doesn't seem fair, does it?" Zambai asked morosely as he tapped his bazooka in his palm.

"No, it really doesn't," Usopp shook his head regretfully as he loaded up his Kabuto's pouch. "These poor bastards don't even stand a chance."

"Please…" I scoffed as I hefted Lassoo onto my shoulder with one hand and flicked my baton out with the other.

"You say that as though they ever _did."_

**Xomniac AN:** " _ **What would be a good expression for a giant concentrating to fake an accent?"**_ **I never thought I'd find myself asking that question, and yet I nonetheless** _ **did**_ **while writing this chapter.**

**Hornet AN: Sorry for the delay. Real life issues again, on all of us but especially Xomniac.**

**Xomniac AN: Damn my family pulling me away for dinner, what's wrong with instant noodles, huh!? (Just kidding, love you mom, it was great to see you!)**

**Patient AN: *Rolls eyes.* Buuut it's still within seven days of our previous chapter, so I'm sure you're not** _ **too**_ **upset.**

**Hornet AN: August 3rd wasn't seven days ago.**

**Xomniac AN: Well then shit.**

**Patient AN: My mistake: it's still within fourteen days of our previous chapter, so we're not behind schedule this time.**


	9. Chapter 9

### Chapter 42: Chapter 39: Straw Hats Versus Cipher Pol! The War Of The Rookies Starts Here!

### Chapter Text

"Are you _insane_ , Cross?!" Bartolomeo yelped.

Apis opened her mouth—

"Rhetorical question, dammit!" Bartolomeo snapped, prompting the dragon keeper to close her mouth and look away with an innocent smile. "Alright, Cross _has_ to know he's bringing the wrath of the Marines on his head for this." He turned around, looking to the two lower-grade ex-Baroque Works agents on board. "How much of a response are we looking at here? Five battleships? Ten?"

Miss Valentine, deathly pale, took a moment to compose herself before answering. "For this sort of situation? When the Marines and the World Government as a whole are taking a shot straight to the dead center of their reputations?" She gulped audibly, sweat dotting her brow. "Try _all of them_."

Bartolomeo clicked his tongue and began pacing back and forth on the deck. "And with all the Admirals, too. Dammit. I don't think Cross is going to bullshit his way out of this one. Not on his own." His pacing continued for a few more minutes as he stewed in thought, before abruptly turning his gaze on Apis again. "Apis, you can talk to animals, right?"

Apis' expression fell flat as jabbed a finger at the dragon she was riding, with Lindy adopting a flat look of his own in turn.

"Right, stupid question. What I meant to ask was if you can talk to a Transponder Snail from a distance, without seeing it? Tell it to keep its trap shut for… what, a few minutes?"

"Ah…" Apis hesitated as she glanced at the crew's snail with a searching expression before looking back at her captain, her mouth drawn in a thin line. "Maybe? I could give it a shot with Kula's help, I think, but as for the orders bit… I can give orders, sure, but whether they listen or not isn't really up to me." She ran her fingers through her companion's hair in a manner that was more meant to calm herself than the dragon. "I've gotten lucky with Lindy because we have a past…"

"It'll have to do," Bartolomeo sighed. "Call Capricorn, I need one last piece of information."

"What are you planning, Captain?" Gin said out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing his superior as Apis got their snail's attention and started talking to it.

"Something insane, guaranteed to triple all of our bounties if it works and kill us if it doesn't," Bartolomeo muttered as he gnawed on his thumb. "And I'm not sure it's even _going_ to work. You'll probably figure it out once I call Capricorn, anyway." He then shot his first mate a savage grin. "Easiest way of puttin' it, though? If the Straw Hats are takin' a page from the Emperors, then we're taking a page from _them."_

Gin opened his mouth to respond—

_KA-LICK!_

" _Capricorn."_

"Rooster," Bartolomeo replied. "I'm twenty kilometers south-southeast of the Tub Current between Marineford and Enies Lobby. Where's the nearest Celestial Dragon vessel?"

For a moment there was silence. Then Hina answered, Gin hastily shushing the rest of the poleaxed crew around him.

" _A Celestial Dragon vessel?! Rooster, what in the world are you—?!"_

"You're listening to the SBS, you know exactly what I'm planning to do," Bartolomeo practically snarled. "This is the only way I can think of to draw off a large enough force to matter." A shaky grin spread across his face. "Besides, I'm not just charging blindly into this. I have a plan."

"… _Forgive me if that doesn't fill me with much confidence."_ There was an explosive sigh on the line, followed by rustling cloth. " _Annoyed, Hina is very annoyed because she definitely has a migraine, and it's only a little after midnight… But fine. As it so happens, there's a Celestial Dragon pleasure yacht near your location. Just park yourself outside the edge of the current and you'll have them."_

"Thanks. Rooster out." And with that, Bartolomeo put the phone back in its cradle, then turned around and waited for the inevitable explosion.

He was not disappointed.

"Captain, are you insane—!"

"I hate the Celestial Dragons as much as the next guy, but—"

"There is a point at which you can imitate the Straw Hats too much, and this has clearly passed it!"

"That'll bring an Admiral down on our—!"

"Quiet!" Gin roared.

The crew shut up, looking expectantly at Gin.

"Why don't we let the captain explain before we all decide to mutiny out of self-preservation?" he suggested. Well, 'suggested' inasmuch as any man tapping a ball of metal the size of a bowling ball in his palm can 'suggest', anyways.

"Thanks," Bartolomeo muttered to his first mate as the grumbling died down.

"Don't thank me yet," Gin snapped as he swung his tonfa around to point at his captain. "I already served under a suicidally insane captain once in my life and I nearly paid for it with my life, I won't make that same mistake again. If you don't have a damn good plan, I'll be first in line to kick your ass."

"Duly noted." Bartolomeo took a deep breath, firmed his features, and took a step forward. "Yes, I am planning exactly what you all think I am! Yes, that will bring an Admiral down on our heads! But!" A finger snapped up, pre-empting any sort of protest. "Right now, the Straw Hats are _minutes_ away from having probably the greatest force the Marines have ever assembled dropping on theirs! If we can draw off five battleships and an Admiral on a wild goose chase, then maybe we can even the odds just enough for the Straw Hats to use their patented brand of bullshit to escape!"

"And how do you plan to turn it into a wild goose chase, huh?" Mr. 5 shouted.

Bartolomeo grinned a grin that had _way_ too many teeth for comfort. "Well, let me tell you."

**-o-**

"So, let me see if I've got this straight," Paulie reflected as he bashed an arrangement of Marines and agents with his Figure-Of-Eight Knot. "Two days ago, I thought that Kaku and Lucci being government agents was nonsense, CP9 was a myth, and charging Enies Lobby on a rescue/revenge mission was something that nobody in the world was crazy enough to do." He sighed as he absently flung a string of Pipe-Hitch Knives through the assembled army, tripping up a full contingent of the soldiers even as he nonchalantly ducked under a swing from an agent and rammed his forearm into the man's throat. "Then along came the Straw Hat Pirates. I don't think I need to say any more than that."

"Yeah, that just about about covers it, doesn't it?" Kashi laughed as he swung his axe down into the side of a building, the ensuing collapse simultaneously robbing our enemies of yet another potential assault platform _and_ blocking off an alleyway that they could try and flank us from. "I see why our captains liked them so much!"

"Heh, I agree!" Oimo cackled as he wound his club back and batted a mortar shell out of the air, utterly ignoring the explosion that erupted as a result. "Makes sense too! They've been on Little Garden for the past hundred years, they missed the start of this new age! Heck…" The giant paused in shock. "Wow, they even missed _Roger._ That's…" He scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, even as Marine bullets washed over him like a summer's rain. "Actually kinda sad."

"Eh, don't worry about it," I chuckled as I dodged a swing from an agent coming at me with a pair of brass knuckles before lunging forward to jab my baton into his throat. I then flipped it in my grip and electrified it as I jabbed it into the small of his back once he doubled over. "At least they managed to meet his successor! I mean…" I hefted Lassoo and aimed him into the crowd, blasting out a half-dozen bombs over the front lines and sowing a nice amount of chaos as a result. "That's gotta count for something, right?"

"I know that meeting Luffy sure changed my life for the weird, that's for sure!" Usopp chuckled, taking a knee in order to get a better angle with his Kabuto and no doubt take down yet _another_ wannabe with a rifle who had the _audacity_ to call themselves a sniper in his presence.

"Damn straight!" I nodded as I blocked a Marine's sword with Lassoo's bulk, before pocketing my baton and jabbing a gauntlet full of Impact into the soldier's gut. I then glanced over at Soundbite. "By the way, apropos of nothing, mind providing a sitrep?"

" _ **Current headcount is reaching**_ **near a thousand!** _ABOUT HALF of whatever_ _ **soldiers**_ **are still conscious** _ **ARE RUNNING AWAY,**_ **spouting such** _lines as 'I didn't sign up for this' and 'We can't even slow them down!'_ _ **And my personal favorite,**_ ' _If the Straw Hats manage to get away with this, I'll take it as confirmation that faith in the Marines is as ill-founded as Cross says!'"_ the snail cheered.

I gaped at him in awe. "They did _not_ say that."

" _OH_ _YES THEY DID!"_

"Sounds like you're actually managing to get through to some people!" Zambai called over to me as he took down a squad that had been going for Sodom and Gomorrah, who were giving the Marines and agents an appropriate level of hell.

" _ **But anyways, AS FOR OUR**_ _VANGUARD…"_ His smile dropped into a scowl. " _I can_ _ **follow Luffy's**_ **trail, and he downed** A COUPLE THOUSAND ON HIS OWN, **BUT RIGHT NOW,** _HE'S OUT OF_ MY RANGE."

I considered that for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, that's fi—GAH!" I yelped as I ducked under some jackass who'd just tried to _fucking shoot me!_ "HEY, WATCH IT, I'M FIGHTIN' OVER HERE!" I roared at the bastard before scowling and returning fire with a trio of baseball bombs. "Ass. Anyway, where—? Oh, right!" I bounced the heel of my palm off my head. "It's _Luffy_. He'll be fine."

**-o-**

"Whoa… what the heck? How do they get across?" Luffy wondered as he stared down into the gap over the abyss below Enies proper. He then pounded a fist into his palm. "Oh, right, Cross said there's a drawbridge. I _think_ that I could probably Rocket over…" _Then_ he grimaced as he crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side. "But I bet they have tons of other cheap tricks and stuff that Cross knows about but I don't that would make me get lost. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to catch up? Aw, man…" He hung his head with a groan. "That sucks…"

He maintained his position for a few minutes before looking up and glancing around curiously as some of his rubbery neurons chose to fire. "Hey, wait… why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"

" _Air Door."_

The rubber-man scowled darkly and angled his hat down over his eyes before glancing back at the interloper who was suddenly standing behind him. "Oh, yeah. I need to kick your ass first."

"There seem to be some discrepancies between the report and the actual situation," Blueno intoned, ignoring the death glare Luffy was pinning him with. "To be honest, it did seem more than a little suspicious. For anyone to believe that someone like you could ever only take down just five soldiers…" He shook his head with a sigh. "Well, I suppose that fear is as good a motivation for denial as any."

The rubber man snorted darkly as he turned to face Blueno. "So. Bull-head guy. Are you here to stop me?" Luffy asked, momentarily glancing back at his pipe before putting his fists up.

Blueno scoffed in a somewhat insulted manner. "Please. You're the fool here, Monkey D. Luffy, not me. Your reputation through the SBS precedes you, and though I never expected to say this to _any_ criminal, I admit that neither I nor many of my comrades are strong enough to defeat you. Basically, I can't do anything against you."

Luffy blinked in surprise as he marginally relaxed from his stance. "Eh? Really? So… are you just going to let us go?"

The bull-headed Pol agent's gaze somehow became even flatter. "No."

"Oh…" Luffy blinked in confusion. "So, then…?"

"What I can do," he said as he slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Is give my chief a more complete status report than what he received earlier. After all, unlike you, we don't need to fight you to accomplish our goals. All we need to do is get Nico Robin past the Gates of Justice."

Luffy felt a twinge of panic rise within himself as he remembered Cross' words. However, rather than reacting with panic like most people, Luffy reacted how he'd almost always reacted to fear: with more anger. "Do you really think I'm going to let you get away and steal Robin?!" he growled as he slowly reached over his back and clutched his pipe.

Blueno allowed a mocking smirk to quirk his lips. "What I _think,"_ he drawled as he reached his arm out and cracked a portion of the air open. "Is that you can't stop me _."_

"You wanna bet?!" Luffy demanded, spreading his legs apart and crouching down, preparing to pump his calves—

_SLAM!_

Only for a metric ton of _something_ to slam onto the roof and obscure Luffy's line.

Luffy winced in confusion as he snapped his arm up to guard himself from the dust cloud that the mass's meteoric entrance had kicked up. A _tsk_ ing sound caught his attention, and he lowered his arm enough to catch sight of a large gray wolf with a large scar over its left eye, a black Fu Manchu mustache, long hair in a queue, and a black jacket and tie that covered very little of its chest, standing where Blueno had been.

Or, more specifically, standing _on_ where Blueno had been. And on Blueno, too, for that matter.

"Tsk tsk tsk," the wolf tutted in a condescending tone of voice as he shook his claw in Blueno's face. "Sorry, Blueno, I know that we've only just met again after five years, buuut the fact is that there's no chance that I'm gonna let you do that."

"Ergh…" Blueno coughed up a mouthful of blood as he struggled to try and work himself out from under the wolf-Zoan's foot. "Jabra… you… what the _hell_ do you think you're doing…?"

In an instant, a wave of sadness and regret swept over the wolf's muzzle. "It was many years ago when I was young, on an island far away—!"

"WILL YOU CUT YOUR DAMN BULLSHIT ALREADY, YOU FLEA-BITTEN— _GUH!"_ Blueno's furious roar was cut off by a massive furry palm slamming his head into the rooftop. Said palm then closed into a fist around Blueno's head and lifted him into the air, in spite of how much he tried to struggle and flail,

"You want the truth, you two-bit one-trick pony?" Jabra snarled as he held his comrade close to his muzzle. "Fine, here it is: If you tell Spandam about what's going on, odds are that that spineless coward will order us to fall back and regroup. He'll take Nico Robin to the Gates, and he'll take Lucci with him so that when Straw Hat inevitably charges after him, _he's_ who he fights, while _we_ are left mopping up the scraps."

Jabra marginally loosened his grip on Blueno's head, before _strengthening_ it, causing his fellow agent to jerk in pain. "Fuck. That. Fuck Nico Robin, fuck the World Government, fuck that spineless piece of subhuman slime we call a chief, fuck the mission _you all_ fucked up, fuck the power rankings, and above _all_ else?" Jabra drew his hackles back into a blood-hungry snarl. " _Fuck Lucci._ This brat is _mine._ I've wanted my ten rounds with him since that Back Fight, and I'll be _damned_ if I let Lucci have them instead. I want a hunt that can fucking fight back, _and I am fucking getting it!_ So, stay the hell—!" The massive Zoan wound his arm back and uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending Blueno crashing into the parapet lining the roof. "OUT OF MY WAY!"

The Door-Man coughed up a mouthful of blood as he tried to pull himself up, only to collapse as his body gave up the ghost and plunged him into sweet oblivion.

The wolf-man snorted in satisfaction before cracking his head back and forth and shooting a cocky grin at the other conscious person on the roof. "So. Straw Hat Luffy. Nice to meet you. The name's Jabra of CP9, and what you see here is the result of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit, Model: Wolf." His cocky grin grew to savage proportions as he spread his arms and flexed his muscles in anticipation. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for a chance to fight you."

Luffy didn't move from where he'd been standing throughout the entire conversation, his hat tilted down to mask his expression.

Jabra twitched irritably, his smirk fading back to a more casual habitual scowl. "Hey! Are you paying attention?"

"He was your friend."

Jabra's ear flicked in confusion as he heard a faint growl. "What the—?" His ears then folded against his scalp when Luffy suddenly looked up at him and _glared._

A decade back, Vice Admiral Garp, AKA 'Garp the Hero', had personally come by the Tower of Justice to tear CP9 a new one for a particularly civilian-casualty-heavy mission.

That had been the last time Lucci had _ever_ willingly disobeyed orders in any way, shape or form.

Jabra had known that Straw Hat could drop the idiotic smile in favor of rage with the right incentive, he'd been counting on it. But he sure as hell hadn't counted on the glare he was seeing now _mirroring_ the same intensity he'd seen in that monster that the Marines had labelled a Vice Admiral.

Luffy ground his teeth as he only just managed to restrain himself. "That guy," he reiterated with a voice full of unholy wrath. "Was your friend. He was your friend. And you hurt him." Pure hellfire flared in Straw Hat's eyes. "Just so that you could have a chance to fight _me?"_

Jabra swallowed heavily and prepared to open his mouth. He prepared to rebut the pirate's assumption with an explanation about how this sort of thing was par for the course for Pol agents, how Blueno's injuries were comparatively minor and that he'd be fine in a couple of hours, how there would be no lasting hard feelings in the end…

And then he reconsidered. He remembered the Back Fight, he remembered the psyche profile the agents had been given on Straw Hat… and with more adrenaline than blood in his veins, he donned his smirk yet again. "And so what if I did?" he rumbled in a pompous tone. "That pathetic weakling. He spent the last five years as a bartender, and all for what, to fail at the eleventh hour? Heheheh… HAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his head back and roared with mocking laughter. " _Hell,_ I bet he doesn't even remember how to fight anymore! He's pathetic! Useless! _A disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9!"_

He kept laughing uproariously for a minute before trailing off into wheezes and chuckles. He wiped some tears out of his eyes before casting a mocking smirk at the pirate. "What the hell does it matter to you?"

His amusement then proceeded to die a painful death as he became _acutely_ aware of the horrendous mistake he'd just made. Before, the most infamous rookie of this generation had mirrored Garp. Now? The old man _paled_ in comparison to the glare he was faced with now.

And this feeling only redoubled when the pirate dropped into a crouch, knees bent, his right fist cracking the roof beneath him, and his left out to his side, holding a somehow _menacing_ pipe out and at the ready.

" _ **GEAR,"**_ Straw Hat Luffy rumbled savagely. " _ **SECOND."**_

' _I just fucked up.'_

Those were the last thoughts to run through Jabra's head before his field of vision was filled with fist, and he was forced to start fighting for his life.

**-o-**

"And even if he isn't, then he will be after he gets his teeth on some meat," I shrugged casually as I held a Marine in a nice and tight chokehold. "Also, remind me, how long am I supposed to hold him for after he stops moving, three seconds or five?" _That_ comment got the guy flailing even harder.

"Three, I think!" Kiwi called as she retreated from a Marine who was going a little nutso with his sword.

"And for the record," Mozu continued as she got behind the Marine in question and cut him down to size. "I'll never understand how Straw Hat's body treats meat like a miracle cure-all!"

"That's one of—! Oh, for the love of _God,_ how long can you hold your damn breath!? Screw it." I slammed my fist into the back of the bastard's head, thankfully knocking him out and allowing me to drop him. "Anyway, where was I…"

" **How Luffy's carnivore** _ **metabolism is one of**_ **THE SEVEN WONDERS** _ **OF THE WORLD?**_ _Though I'm confused as to_ IT COUNTS AS MANMADE _OR NATUR—_ _ **INCOMING MORTAR!"**_

"HOLY!" I yelped in a panic as I dove into the dirt and narrowly avoided being blasted to _fucking smithereens._ I spent a second staring into the ground with my hands clasped over the back of my head before looking up with a dark scowl. "Right, that's enough of this bullshit. Soundbite, connect me to the cavalry so that we can shove a horseshoe up these bastards' asses."

" _GIMME A_ **second!"**

I shoved myself to my feet and retreated back from the front lines of the fight, allowing the Franky Family to fill my space as I got myself some breathing room and pressed one of my headphone's speakers to my ear.

" _ **This is Snailmail calling Rocketman,**_ _Snailmail calling Rocketman,_ **COME IN, Rocketman!"**

" _Rocketman is requesting you stop acting like the assless dumbass you are, Soundbite,"_ Nami growled irritably.

" **C'mon, baby, show me some love! I'M BURNIN'** _ **OUT A FUSE up here alone!"**_

"Oi!" I barked, shooting a glare at the snail out of the corner of my eye.

" _Eh… mostly ALONE, ANYWAYS?"_ Soundbite chuckled sheepishly.

" _Are you just calling to screw around or—?"_

"We've managed to clear out a section for the Rocketman," I cut in. "Kokoro, the landing zone is free and clear, let him loose and bring it in!"

" _Wait, Cross, you never told us what you mean by 'landing zone'!"_ Vivi cut in, a rather large hint of desperate panic in her voice.

"You _do_ recall that there are no brakes on that train you're riding, right?" I grinned sadistically. "And those fences around the entrance are part seastone, so they're gonna bend before Zoro, not break. Buckle up, this is gonna hurt."

" _NOT A CHANCE IN—!"_ Nami screamed desperately.

" _NAGAGAGAGA!"_ Kokoro cackled over Nami's enraged shout. " _I suppose it's only fate, isn't it? This bronco was made for you guys! EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT, NAGAGAGAGA!"_

" _Don't even think about it you old—_ EAGH!" Vivi's own protests were cut off by what I could only presume was a sudden burst of acceleration.

I spared a moment to laugh about Nami's apparent panic before throwing out a Soundbite-enhanced whistle, garnering the attention of the Franky Family fighting around me. "EVERYONE CLEAR SOME SPACE, WE GOT INCOMING REINFORCEMENTS!"

While the 'humans' of our crew had the good sense to comply and clear a space, Kashi made the most unwise choice of pausing in the middle of the island's main street and glancing back at me in confusion. "Eh? Reinforcements? Really? Where are th—?"

_**WOOOOOOT!** _

"What the—!?"

Kashi had just enough time to look up in shock…

_CRUNCH!_

Before Rocketman plowed straight into the middle of his face, bounced off, and skidded down the street.

I eyed the up-ended trainwreck for a second before looking over Kashi's insensate and groaning form. "We didn't just lose one of our major big-hitters, did we?" I called up to Oimo.

The club-wielding giant waved his hand with a scoff. "Are you kiddin'? Kashi's taken more headshots than most of our old crew combined! He'll be fine!" He then proceeded to cover his mouth as he snickered in amusement. "Though… I don't think a lot of giants are gonna think that being the first giant to be hit in the face by a sea-train is all that 'honorable'!"

"'Crew you, Oimo…" Kashi blearily groaned.

"Told you so!"

"Moving past the stupidly high resiliency of giants," Lulu piped up as he shoved a spike of hair protruding from his chest flat and caused a new one to pop from the top of his skull. "Are you sure that your friends are alright? After all, that was a pretty hard landing, and the Marines are starting to swarm the train."

I leveled a flat look at the shipwright. "Have you been paying _any_ attention to the SBS? I give it all of five seconds before that swarm gets swatted."

" _FOUR,_ **THREE,** _ **TWO—!"**_ Soundbite crowed.

_**KA-BOOM!** _

My grin went from ear to ear as the side of Rocket Man's car blew itself out, blasting away all of the Marines nearby and allowing a full host of utter demons to storm out and start laying waste to the ranks of our enemies. "Ah, I love my crewmates."

Paulie swallowed heavily and wiped away the sudden layer of cold sweat he'd acquired as he watched my crewmates inflict more damage on the army of Marines in the course of three minutes than we all had in the past _ten_. "…In case it hasn't been said enough? _So_ glad that we're fighting with you monsters instead of against. I don't think Water 7 or Galley-La would have survived if we were on opposite sides."

"DAMN **STRAIGHT!"** Soundbite cackled in agreement.

I started to snicker anew at the irony, before freezing in abject terror as I felt a wave of what could only be described as pure existential dread sweep over me. I promptly adopted a 'deer in the headlights' maneuver as I caught sight of Carue stalking towards me, Nami and Vivi both on his back and an aura of rage and murder around them; I honestly wasn't sure if I was hallucinating, if it was actually visible, or if Nami was just generating thunderclouds for effect.

"N-Now guys, look—" I backed up desperately as the two dismounted and started approaching me.

"Cross…" Vivi began, before shrugging with a sheepish smile. "I admit my fault: that was _actually_ kind of fun."

I blinked in surprise and more than a little confusion before freezing in horrified realization. Horror that became nothing short of utter terror when a fist suddenly grabbed my throat and brought me face to face with the visage of the Angel of Death.

See, that aura of rage I'd seen earlier? It wasn't the aura of two women who wanted my head.

It was all from one Nami who really, _really_ wanted my head on a spike.

"N-N-Nami, d-don't you think you're overreacting? L-L-Luffy does stuff like this all the time, and you're n-never this mad at hi— _ERK!"_ I was cut off by her squeezing my throat shut.

" **You** _ **let me**_ **ride on that death trap for your own amusement, Cross,"** Nami cut me off in a voice of icy calm. " **Luffy is an idiot. A lovable idiot that I trust with my life.** _ **He doesn't think things through, and we have to put up with the consequences,**_ **and I accepted that when I joined this crew for good."**

I struggled to keep conscious as her grip tightened. " _Myergh…"_

" **You, on the other hand, are not only one of the smarter members of the crew, but know enough to let us** _ **steer the hell clear of catastrophes like this."**_ Our Navigator held up a segment of her Clima-Tact and slammed her thumb into a hidden button, prompting it to light up with a crackle of lightning. " **So. I'm going to give you ten seconds to give me** _ **three**_ **good reasons why I** _ **shouldn't**_ **obliterate all the progress Chopper made on getting rid of your trauma,** _ **and make Eneru look like a case of static discharge**_ **."**

Her grip slackened enough that I could begin gasping out answers. "First, I knew you wouldn't die from something like that, second, your alternative choices were coming to the front lines when I left or going with Luffy when he left, and third…" I pointed to the side, where a growing crowd of Marines were approaching and actually positioning themselves into a firing line _whoa that was a lot of guns!_ "You have plenty of other targets to take out your anger on?" I punctuated the statement with a panicky grin.

Nami processed my words with a still-enraged expression for several moments, her gaze thankfully directed at the Marines, before the aura changed direction and she let me drop onto my ass.

"I'll deal with _you_ once we're back on Water 7," she bit out as she marched towards the Marines, assembling her Clima-Tact piece by piece as she went. "But for now…"

She finished assembling the staff and started spinning it at her side, a milky white outline appearing on the outside of the blue blur.

" _These boys are mine."_

The Marines chose that moment to open fire, blasting out a barrage of musket fire at us that would have no doubt incapacitated or killed at least a dozen of our number.

At least, were it not for Nami snarling and swinging her Clima-Tact forward with a furious bellow. "EISEN TEMPO!"

A barrage of foamy white surged from her staff as a result of the motion, writhing and flowing for a second before coalescing into an earthbound cloud-like barrier between us and the Marines. However, as cloud-like as the barrier appeared, the fact that we weren't reduced to swiss cheese by a hail of gunfire indicated that they'd failed to break through it.

Nami held her position for a scant second before allowing herself a grin. She then swung her arm out, causing the cloud barrier to surge out in turn and shove over two dozen Marines off their feet. A sweep to the side, and the fallen Marines were sent tumbling into a massive pile, clearing the way for the clouds to surge forward again and start lashing out at the Marines behind _them_. The clouds in question attacked like a poor man's Smoker, growing and lashing out at who or whatsoever it chose that came near it and then flailing about in a _thoroughly_ ruthless manner.

But that wasn't the most disturbing part of the display. The disturbing part was the wielder of the cloud herself. Nami's growing grin and the way she was swooping and twirling her staff around her body with increasing style and complexity was reminiscent of a demonic orchestra conductor… or a _witch._

Of course, Soundbite was helping to reinforce the latter image with a stupidly familiar song:

" _Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble~"_

"Yeah," I nodded in equal parts wariness and awe. "And by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way co—ACK!"

Nami remained gleeful a full minute into her performance before pausing and allowing her expression to darken as she caught sight of what few Marines were still standing begin to turn tail and run. "Oh, no no no _nooooo…_ " Nami crooned sadistically, a roaring fury igniting behind her eyes as she swung her staff around her body and caused a new aura of clouds to coalesce around her. "You think that after all that you've done to our crew… after all you've done to my _friends…_ " She chuckled mirthlessly for a second, and then the clouds darkened and started to rumble as she scowled. "No. No, you bastards don't _get_ to run away!"

With that, she swung her Clima-Tact behind her and conjured a pillar of thunderclouds. The pillar angled itself like a scorpion's tail as it faced the Marines, and with a jerk of the staff, the pillar split itself in half lengthwise, opening up an empty space within which lightning crackled and danced.

Nami slowly cracked her neck back and forth in preparation. Then, in one deft move, she jabbed her staff forward to point at the retreating Marines.

" _Lightning Bolt Tempo."_

And just like that the cloud snapped forwards and the wrath of the heavens themselves was unleashed upon those poor unfortunate souls. I swear that I actually managed to see outlines of their skeletons once or twice, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't able to appreciate the sight quite as much as I would have liked… to which Nami remained perfectly oblivious. She took in the sight of the charbroiled Marines for a few seconds before squealing and jumping in a clear display of joy as she hugged her staff like it was the Hope Diamond or her newborn. Either or, really.

"Oh, yes yes yes yes _yes!_ This thing is so utterly totally and completely _awesome_ and it's all _mine mine mine_ and I am never ever ever letting it go ever because I _loooove_ it like I've never loved anything since Bellemere and Nojiko and the crew and I _love_ you for giving it to me, Cross, thank you so so so _much!"_ she squealed and sang euphorically. She then spun around and snapped a finger to point at me. "But don't think that means I've forgiven you yet either, you inconsiderate bastard!"

" _No effing kidding, woman!"_ I choked as I grappled with the _fucking Eisen Hand_ that was holding me a foot off the ground as it _wrung my FUCKING NECK!_

"Nami!" Vivi demanded as she yanked on the white hand's fingers, an effort that was completely and utterly ineffectual on account of how the damn thing was as solid as _iron!_ "I've been mad at Cross plenty of times, but this is going too far! Let him go!"

"Wha—!?" Nami snapped her gaze to her staff in shock before shaking her head desperately. "B-B-But I'm not _doing_ this! Or, well, I-I-I don't _think_ I am?!"

It was at that point that a portion of the arm strangling me split off and started _punching me_ in my _freaking face!_ "I— _OW!—_ SORELY— _OW!—_ BEG— _OW!—_ TO DIFFER— _OWOWOW!"_

"I-I-I don't—!" Nami shook her head desperately.

"Mahybe becaushe of you'we deep psychowogicaw connecshion with meteowology, yoah subconscioush mind, yoah 'Id', ish ushing the Eishen Cwoud as an outwet to intewact with the physhical wowld and enact yoah wepwessed fwustations with Cwoss?"

We all paused and snapped an incredulous look at the speaker.

"Whad?" Carue gave us all a flat look. "I wead some a' Choppah's books when I've got nothing else tah do, shue me."

"Riiiight…" Nami drawled before glancing at her Clima-Tact. "So… how do I…?"

"Wemove the outwet, I guesh," the duck shrugged helplessly.

"Ah…?"

" _DROP THE DAMN STAFF!"_ Vivi, Soundbite and I roared, though I more squawked than anything.

"R-Right!" Nami yelped as she forced her fingers open and dropped her Clima-Tact. She then slapped her palms together in front of her face in apology. "I-I'm _so_ sorry about that, Cross, I'd never go this far, I swear!"

" **Then why the** _ **HECK ARE YOU**_ _still doing it?!"_

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Nami yelped in shock when she noticed that her palms _weren't_ together, due to the fact that her _other_ hand was _still_ holding the staff. Or so it seemed through my rapidly blurring vision.

Our navigator promptly snapped her grip open and dropped the Clima-Tact again… and then reeled back again as she noticed that her _other_ hand had snatched up the staff. The process repeated itself almost half a dozen times as Nami tried to rid herself of her weapon in vain. Ultimately, Nami drew her arm back and desperately flung the Clima-Tact away, going so far as to watch as the metal rod clattered down the street.

She turned around and pumped her fist in victory before staring at the staff clutched in her fist with equal parts exasperation and terror. "I think that I might have a serious problem…" she whispered numbly.

"NO SHIT!" Vivi and Carue screeched. I would have joined them, were it not for the fact that I wasn't taking in enough breath to do more than gasp at this point.

" _Oh, for the love of—_ THAT'S IT!" Soundbite barked indignantly, sliding his way onto the mass of clouds crushing my throat. " _I'M TAKING MATTERS_ _ **into my own TEETH!**_ **GASTRO-BLAST!"**

The clouds promptly blasted apart and dropped me on my ass, allowing me to suck air down my abused throat. "Holy shit, that was way too close!" I gasped.

Nami promptly snapped out of it and grabbed her own wrist, visibly concentrating on her fingers as she brought her Eisen Cloud to heel so that it was merely hovering around her body like some kind of meteorological halo. "Sorry about that, Cross," she apologized with a sheepish grin. "Good thing I didn't activate the lightning, right?"

I showed her just how _little_ I appreciated my good fortune with a roadkill-flat glare. "You're getting therapy from Chopper," I ground out.

She promptly hung her head with a sob. "Aye-aye, sir…"

Nodding firmly, I turned my attention back towards the rest of the crew, who had taken the liberty of subduing anyone who still fought back. Interestingly, there were at least a dozen of them who were kneeling on the ground, weapons gone, hands raised in surrender, who looked unharmed.

I got to my feet and made a beeline for those soldiers. "Lemme guess," I piped up with a cocked eyebrow. "You guys all got wise to the fact that there's no chance in hell that you're going to stop us and you decided to take the easy route?"

Most of them nodded, some in shame, some in fear. One, however, looked up with a defiant expression. "I have no illusions about us being able to defeat your crew. But Cipher Pol No. 9 is a different story, and they're waiting for you in the Tower of Justice. We'll see if you're still confident when you start fighting against _them."_

His tone was firm, but not condescending; it was clear that he was speaking from his faith in the organization he followed. So I almost felt bad about for what I was about to do next. Spot the key word in _that_ sentence.

"Really, now?" I crouched down so that I could look the soldier in the eye. "Well then, Marine, here's a question for you: did you happen to see CP9 when they returned to base?"

"No, but if you're going to spew some nonsense about defeating them before they even got here—"

"Oh, no, nothing like that… though not for lack of trying, I assure you, they just managed to run away like the cowardly _bitches_ they are before we could stop them. But!" I snapped a finger up when the soldier started to open his mouth. "That's off-topic. Tell me, Marine: do you know how many CP9 Agents were meant to be on the Puffing Tom upon its return to base?"

The Marine jutted his chin out proudly. "Five. Add the three already here, and that makes eight agents ready and willing to put you pirate scum to death."

My grin widened at the words, and only got wider as I slowly turned my head to regard the soldier's neighbor, who'd suddenly gone pale. "I think your friend might have something to say about that, Marine."

The defiant soldier glanced at his neighbor and jerked in shock. "What the—? Jenkins, what's—?"

"F-Four…"

"Huh?"

The panicked soldier slowly turned his head to give the other Marine a terrified look. "I-I-I saw the Cipher Pol return… a-and there were o-only _four_ agents with them! N-Nero was missing!"

And just like that, the defiance bled out of the soldier and he too paled in horror. "Y-You mean—!?"

I pressed my advantage by grabbing his collar and bringing him face to face with me. "My Paramecia Captain has made a habit of eating Logias for _breakfast,_ Marine," I whispered malevolently. "What the _hell_ do you think he's going to do to a _Zoan?"_

The Marine stammered and shivered where he was sitting. I opened my mouth to say something further—

"Leave 'em alone, Cross."

And promptly snapped a look over my shoulder as someone slapped me on it. "Do I have to?" I whined.

" _But of course!"_ Soundbite snickered before switching to using my voice. " **After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenseless pests like them. Save it for the poor, defenseless ASSASSINS!"**

"Awww, that's too bad…" I grabbed the defiant Marine's cheek and tugged on it. "After all, they're so _cute_ when they're terrifi— _OWOWOW"_ I yelped in agony when a vice grabbed my ear and started yanking me along.

"Save your unholy skills at mental torture for the ones who _deserve_ it, Cross," Vivi rolled her eyes with a sigh as she dragged me behind her.

"Owowowow, yes, yes, fine, alright, I will! Just let me _go,_ damn it!" I hollered as I staggered after her.

" _Dot dot dot dot!_ _ **Huh?**_ **A CALL at a time like this?"** Soundbite said, unperturbed by my current predicament. He shrugged as Vivi finally released me, allowing me to stand up and rub my ear in an effort to assuage the pain. "AH, WELL. _GO FOR THE SBS!"_

" _Kak kak kak,"_ chuckled a very familiar, very old and, at the moment, _very annoying_ voice. " _Seems like they haven't been easing up on you at all. Thanks a lot for the constant proof of how effective my medicine is, Cross! I've been able to triple my prices thanks to you!"_

My eye twitched viciously as I fought to keep myself under control. "Shouldn't you be off extorting someone half your age, you old bat? Like, oh, I don't know, _Whitebeard?"_ I snarled.

"KAK KAK KAK KAK! _Please, as if that young shit is anywhere_ close _to—!"_

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're breaking up, buh-bye!" I yelped as I hastily chopped a hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to drop the connection with no small amount of cackling of his own.

"Oh, was that Doctorine?" Chopper asked eagerly as Vivi and I walked up to where the rest of the crew was assembling.

"Yeah, it was," I grumbled as I adjusted my slightly askew cap. "Sorry I didn't let you two chat, but I've already ticked off the Whitebeard Pirates once in my life, I won't risk repeating the feat even by proxy."

In unison, every single one of our allies outside of the crew sagged in relief, prompting me to glare at them in irritation. "Do you _really_ think I'm _that_ stupid?"

"Considering the fact that we're in the middle of an invasion of Enies Lobby that you're broadcasting to the entire world?" Kashi groused as he rubbed his slightly crumpled nose. " _Yes,_ it's good to see that you're not _completely_ insane."

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to our current situation, and scanning around the area. The only Marines and agents conscious were the ones that had surrendered, and there were unconscious ones by the hundreds almost as far as I could see. Considering how long we had been talking without being interrupted, I had figured as much, but it was nonetheless surprising that the elites hadn't been called out yet. Sure, some of these guys may have had enough sense to know that they couldn't beat us, but I didn't expect _everyone_ to just take this lying down and rely on CP9 to handle us.

"Soundbite, can you hear anyone nearby?"

The snail concentrated, and then grimaced. " _Damn,_ _ **they're running**_ **out of my range FAST.** _ **BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE**_ _THEY'RE PLANNING ON_ SETTING UP DEFENSIVE LINES **en route to the** _courthouse!"_

"They're trying something that almost has half a chance of working instead of charging us directly?" I asked incredulously.

"Eh, the Government may be arrogant, but they're not stupid," Oimo shrugged. "Back before we started working here, the protocol was that if there was an overwhelming attack from pirates, the plan would be to fall back, set up defensive lines and wait for reinforcements from HQ. I guess it was just a contingency plan in case one of the Emperors decided to attack."

I sighed; of course they'd have something planned for this, why wouldn't they when they knew that there _were_ pirates who could conceivably charge Enies Lobby and have a non-zero chance of winning?

"Alright, let me think…" I muttered as I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "They're expecting us to charge the courthouse, and we are, there's no way around that. We'll need to catch them off-guard somehow…" I glanced back at the King Bulls for a second before nodding firmly. "Alright, if we try smashing through full-force, all we'll do is run straight into a wall of steel and bodies. Would that stop us? Probably not, but it would be more than a bit painful for those involved, and while I appreciate the dedication of our allies, I'd rather do this as painlessly as possible. So!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "We're going to do something somewhat inadvisable and split up!"

" **BUT** _you never split the party!"_ Soundbite yelped in an affronted tone.

"I don't see anything wrong with it," Zoro shrugged.

" _You_ would get so lost that you'd end up back in Alabasta!" Raphey snapped as she jabbed a flipper at him before grinning. "Sorry, been waiting to use that one."

"Cross, I'm sure that most of us are capable of taking care of ourselves on the way there," Lulu said. "But what do you have in mind for an end of this?"

"Yeah!" Tilestone added loudly. "We'll still be fighting that ambush anyway no matter what we do, so why is splitting up better?"

"Simple," I nodded as I addressed the bulky shipwright. "The purpose of this endeavor is to make dealing with that ambush a little more manageable. You Galley-La men, the Franky Family and the giants will go down mainstreet and at the forefront of the Marines' sight. Meanwhile, _we—"_ I spun my fingers around at my crewmates. "Will split up into teams and go down this place's backstreets, raising as much of a ruckus as we possibly can. While you guys will certainly draw a lot of attention on account of the size factor—" I jerked my head at the Giants and the King Bulls. " _We_ are the main actors of this show, and so they'll be forced to split both their attention and manpower in order to cover us both. And that's crucial to our success right now."

I gestured around at the piles of unconscious soldiers. "Quantity is the only advantage that these mooks have against us; we may have quality on our side, but we're still facing down a genuine _army_ , despite Luffy taking a him-sized bite out of them, and if we let them mine that advantage too much… well, remember that this is a _time_ -based mission. The second that Spandam realizes he's in over his head, he'll start moving Robin towards the Gates of Justice, and if she gets there, we've _lost_. This is the best option we have where we both save time _and_ come out of things relatively unscathed." I scanned over all the participants. "So… any complaints?"

None were forthcoming. Some of them looked nervous, but all nodded in acceptance nonetheless.

"Alright, then," Zambai and Paulie said in unison. They glanced at each other before Paulie continued. "It's the reason you need us here anyway. We'll meet up with you at the courthouse."

"Right. And again, watch out for mortar cannons, the Jurymen, and the—"

" **Incoming!"** Soundbite suddenly barked up. " _Ton of them,_ **coming in hot, HEAVY** _ **AND FAST!"**_

I glanced at Soundbite with a scowl. "Dogs. Looks like Baskerville managed to get back on the ball and send them out."

"Give me five seconds with them," Zoro grunted as he turned towards the street, rolling his shoulders.

"Psh," Sanji scoffed indignantly as he lit up a new cigarette. "Give me _one."_

"Hold it!"

The two thirds of the Monster Trio weren't the only ones to look at me in surprise.

"Ah, Cross—?" Conis started in confusion.

"I was actually hoping for this to happen," I said, forestalling any protests with a raised hand before glancing at my shoulder. "Soundbite, I have a request."

My snail leered malevolently. " **If you can hum it and I can fake it."**

I cracked my neck back and forth as I stared down the street, where blurs of movement were fast approaching. "Cry havoc and _coerce_ the dogs of war."

Soundbite nodded in agreement _._ " _ **Yes, sir. AH, AND**_ _Lassoo, Su?"_

The dog-gun, who I'd let down a minute back, and the cloud-fox looked at him warily. "Yeah?"

Soundbite's smile became downright _evil. "Cover your ears."_

The canines hastily slammed their paws over their ears—

_**FWEEEEEEEET!** _

Right before Soundbite let out an ear-shattering whistle.

The sheer volume of the whistle was enough to cause those humans with unprotected ears to flinch…

" _OWOWOWOWOW!"_

But the reaction was _far_ more prominent in the small army of dogs that collapsed into a pile-up of writhing and agonized bodies, too distracted by their pain to even react to their riders trying to rouse them.

Vivi gaped in awe at the display before her. "Holy…" she breathed numbly.

"But wait, there's more!" I grinned menacingly before cocking my head at Soundbite. "Lay down the law, little buddy."

" _Gladly,"_ Soundbite smirked before belting out a massive, attention-drawing whistle and adopting the Voice of God. " **LISTEN UP, MONGRELS! AS OF TEN SECONDS AGO, YOU ALL WORK FOR** _ **ME!**_ **I AM THE ALPHA,** _ **YOU**_ **ARE THE OMEGA! ANY PROTESTS, ANY REBELLIONS, ANY SHIT WHATSOEVER, ANYTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER SUBMISSION, WILL BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE** _ **AGONY**_ **. GOT IT?"**

There was a moment of stunned confusion as the wolves muttered amongst themselves and some of the savvier riders tried to unlatch themselves from their mounts. All of a sudden, one of the foremost wolves managed to work itself to its feet and snarl at us.

"Listen here, you slimy little—!"

_**FWEEEEET!** _

" _YEARGH!"_ The wolf collapsed into a flailing mess, clawing at his ears in agony as the _rest_ of the wolves shrank away in terror.

" **ANY OTHER TAKERS?"** Soundbite drawled with a flat tone and look. He then re-donned his usual smirk when the rest of the hounds shrank back and bowed their heads fearfully. " **THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Now, then… your marching orders are simple…"** An evil glint entered Soundbite's gaze. " _Regarding every last Marine and World Government soldier on this island:_ _ **RIP AND TEAR…**_ _**UNTIL IT IS DONE."**_

For a moment, a brief moment, the hounds merely looked blankly at Soundbite. And then, one and all, the same bloodthirsty grin played over their faces. I heard more than a few mutters of "Sorry, Boss Jabra", but soon enough, the wolves turned tail and darted down the street and into sidelong alleyways, dragging their helpless riders along with them.

I grinned confidently as I turned around and dusted my hands off. "And that's that."

While most of our allies were staring after the wolves and at me in horrified shock, a lot of my crewmates were just straight-up jaded.

"You _do_ realize that you are a _legitimate_ monster, right, Cross?" Su asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"And _damn_ proud of it, considering where I started from and who I'm directing it all towards," I smirked back. "Now, then, what say we divvy things up, hm?"

"I call dibs on going with Oimo and Kashi!" Usopp spoke up hastily, in a tone that contained, admirably enough, marginally more eagerness than fear.

"I'll second that notion, though we'll be fighting street-level!" Boss thumped a fist to his chest. "Your strategy's as good as any, but someone's gotta hold the line and damn if we're _not_ gonna be a part of it! _Right, boys!?"_

"HELL YEAH!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad pumped their fists in agreement.

"Who else…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully before adopting an impish grin as I started to glance towards our resident Monsters.

"Meh, I don't care," Zoro grumbled. "Wherever we are, it's going to be boring as shit until we get to the Tower. I think I'll just walk straight there."

"For once, I agree with the Mosshead," Sanji added with an indifferent shrug.

"Then in that case, maybe you two can take the time to team—GRK!" I froze in terror and stared at the blade and leg hovering within inches of my face. "OK, OK, I won't speak mad—er, _that kind_ of madness, just no more physical therapy!"

"Ah, Sanji!" Vivi hastily piped up. "Considering just how… _treacherous_ this endeavor will be, would you mind acting as my escort alongside Carue?"

"AT ONCE, MY DEAREST PRINCESS!" Sanji called out as he spun over to her.

"Yo, Mosshead!" Su had the courtesy to yap up. "Your swords versus my girl's guns. Want to see who can get the higher headcount?"

" _What!?"_ Conis yelped in shock.

Zoro, for his part, leered eagerly as he rested his arm on his swords' hilts. "Sounds like fun to me."

"Now, wait just a second—!"

"Loser swabs Merry's deck for a month."

"Fine by me, puffball."

" _Stop making bets without my say-so!"_ the gunner wailed, flailing her arms frantically.

Su's _very_ mature response was to stick her tongue out.

I blinked at the sudden turn of events, but then shrugged and turned towards the remaining crew. "So, Nami, Chopper, you two with me?"

"No complaints here," Chopper piped up, while Nami simply nodded.

"Right, then, let's get going. Godspeed, everyone."

And with that, we all split up and headed off. Chopper and Nami followed me down an alleyway and into a nearby side street.

"So, Cross," Chopper spoke up hesitantly. "Coming with you is all well and good, but are you sure that we can handle ourselves against _that_ many Marines? I mean…" He fingered the bandoliers of vials he had strapped across his chest. "I only have so much ammunition, even if I _can_ make more on the fly…"

"And in case you hadn't noticed…" Nami held up the hand holding her Clima-Tact, prompting the clouds flowing around her to form into a hand and wave… for all of a second before lunging at me, at which point she grabbed her own wrist and hastily brought them back under control. " _I'm_ still trying to keep this little doo-dad under control here! Is this really the best of ideas?"

"Absolutely!" I confidently assured them. "In fact, I even have a plan! Ah, but first!" I hastily snapped a finger up. "Apropos of nothing, Soundbite… Are there any mortar emplacements within your range at the moment?"

Nami and Chopper paled for every bit that Soundbite and Lassoo grinned.

**-o-**

" _Puru puru puru puru, Puru puru—KA-LICK!"_

"Hello?"

" _C-Commodore Smoker, Captain Hina! This is Master Chief Petty Officer Coby calling in from Marineford HQ! I apologize for calling at such a late hour, b-but I have new orders for you from Fleet Admiral Sengoku himself! As of this moment, you have been reassigned from running patrols in Mid-Paradise! You are to gather your crew and present yourselves at Enies Lobby ASAP!"_

The two Marines exchanged carefully sculpted looks for a moment, the name of the officer ringing familiar to them as one of Cross' recommendations, before Smoker regarded the snail with a sigh. "Apologies, Master Chief Petty Officer, but you've caught us at a bad time."

" _W-Wha—!?"_ Coby started to squawk in a panic…

" _ **EXCUSE ME?!"**_

Before the snail suddenly roared indignantly, its apoplectic expression taking on a golden sheen in the process. For a moment, the two Marines flinched back; upsetting Sengoku was on the brink of suicidal… but then, with what they were doing, so were they.

" _ **YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE OF YOUR CAREERS FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO REPORT IN HERE, OR ELSE I'LL HAVE YOU ASSIGNED TO SCRUBBING THE**_ **OUTSIDE** _**OF IMPEL DOWN FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE CAREERS!"**_ the hellish Buddha roared.

Hina shivered in horror as she tried to get her nerve back. " _Terrified, Hina is very, very terrified…"_ she whispered to herself before steeling her back. "Our sincerest apologies, Fleet Admiral, but we've beached Smoker's ship and my fleet for a routine cleaning of their hulls."

"We began the cleaning process an hour ago," Smoker picked up as he procedurally ashed his cigar. "And the un-beaching process will take too long. By the time we reach the Judicial Island, I'm sure that the action will be over and we'll be left with half-cleaned ships that we'll have to _re-_ beach." The Smoke-Man cocked his eyebrow. "What sounds like a better use of our time to you, Fleet Admiral?"

There was a pause as the snail ground its teeth to dust before the glow died away and the Fleet Admiral managed to speak in a slightly calmer voice. Or at least, rather than speaking with unconcealed murderous rage, his voice held _badly_ concealed murderous rage. " _Move up your plans, finish cleaning your ships as fast as your hands can manage, and set sail to receive further orders._ _ **Am. I. Understood?"**_

"Yes, sir," the officers saluted swiftly.

The connection cut out a second later, and Hina allowed a smirk to grow on her face as she sank back into the lawnchair she was seated in, stretching her arms above her head with a few grateful skeletal pops as she allowed the rays of Tenedores Island's eternal sunset to wash over her. "You know, it took more control than I care to admit not to say 'How could we have known that the Straw Hats were going to try assaulting Enies Lobby?'"

Smoker sighed as he sank back into his own chair, but the corners of his mouth twitched upwards nonetheless as he held up a glass of vividly colored alcohol to his old friend. "Here's to the Straw Hats kicking the World Government's teeth in, and Rooster potentially kicking a World Noble's teeth in if I understood him properly. Here's hoping that they survive."

"Kan. Pai," Hina enunciated calmly, clinking her own glass against Smoker's and taking a drink before glancing over her shoulder. "Well, you heard the man! We need to have enough progress done on our ships to fit our timelines! Hop to it, and make sure not to miss so much as a _spot!"_

"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!" the Marine soldiers currently working on the undersides of nine of the dozen battleships shouted back with no small amount of venom.

"Grnrghrghghhh…" Jango growled beneath his breath as he furiously scrubbed the brush he was wielding against a particularly resilient patch of barnacles. "Would someone mind explaining to me _why_ we're working ourselves to the bone when the whole _point_ of this little ruse is for us to _drag our damn heels!?"_

"According to _Commodore_ Smoker," Tashigi bit out as she maneuvered Shigure around the snapping jaws of several still-living meter-large barnacles in order to stab them through their shells, her tone clearly saying that she wanted to replace the word 'Commodore' with something far less endearing. "Just because we're putting up a false pretense is no reason for our work ethic to suffer. Of course, seeing as both he and Hina are Captain-grade and higher, apparently their work ethic has already been _proven!"_ The last word was emphasized with the decapitation of yet another bottom-feeding pest.

"That, and the fact that we have every reason to avoid any more suspicious behavior than we have to," Fullbody grumbled as he shook his aching knuckles out. "Though personally? I think that those two can take their precious 'work ethic' and shove it up their—!"

" _Problems,_ you three?"

"SIR, NO SIR!" the Marine Officers barked in barely concealed terror.

"Good," Smoker huffed as he relaxed in his lawnchair before directing a look at the Transponder Snail. "Now try and keep it down. We're about to return to some primetime entertainment."

As he turned back to the SBS, he reflected on the fact that he was actually considering a pirate radio to be primetime entertainment. A year ago, he would have hung up without a second thought, deeming any pirate a criminal not worth listening to.

Now, however…

Smoker grinned viciously as the sounds of all-out warfare erupted from the mouth of the snail.

Now he could think of no better pastime than to hear the World Government get its teeth kicked in.

"Give 'em hell, Straw Hats…" he muttered beneath his breath.

**-o-**

"Ship sighted, captain!"

"Alright, good!" Bartolomeo called up to the lookout. "Apis, are you ready for this?"

The young girl glanced down at the snoozing Transponder Snail in her lap before taking a deep breath and nodding decisively, her fingers still buried in her companion's mane. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Bartolomeo nodded back, and waited, Apis' eyes shut in concentration. The ship crept closer and closer, completely unaware of the nearby pirate ship. Finally, Apis' eyes opened, and Bartolomeo jerked his hand down. "Alright. Fire!"

The cannons on board the Cannibal fired towards the oncoming yacht. It was one of those newfangled steamships capable of moving without sail power. Of course, considering the expense and fragility of the steam engines, only a Celestial Dragon could afford one, and even by their standards it was a clear vanity project. More importantly, it lacked sails so it could look pretty, and was propelled by a pair of large paddle boxes on the sides of the ships.

All of which meant that when a half-dozen cannonballs smashed into the paddle box and reduced it to so many splinters, the ship was completely dead in the water. Bad design, that, but what else could one expect from a vanity project yacht, designed by Nobles for Nobles?

"They're sending the distress signal, captain," Apis reported, her eyes scrunched up in concentration as she clutched Kula's shell, the snail in question half-awake and blinking blearily. "I'm trying to talk to their snail now."

"Pull us alongside!" Bartolomeo barked. "Valentine, you're up!"

The lemon-clad woman immediately jumped off of the mainmast, floating over to the yacht… at which point she went to her full 10,000 kilograms and smashed into the ship, buckling the sides and throwing shattered planks into the air. With the response by onboard security thoroughly fucked, the helmsman had no problem bringing the Cannibal in a hundred yards off to the yacht's side.

Stepping up to the railing, Bartolomeo crossed his arms in his usual pose, a shimmering barrier crossing the gap between the two ships in a nice, even platform. "Alright, go go go!" he barked.

"Wait!"

The ex-mafia boss glanced back at Apis. "What?"

"I've got the snail!" she reported. "He'll cut off the distress signal, but only if we bring him with us." She scowled darkly. "Apparently, the Celestial Dragons treat Transponder Snails as well they do anyone else. On a _very_ related note, I'll take five minutes with whoever's on that ship when you're done with them."

"Noted. And you heard that, Gin?" Bartolomeo confirmed.

The ex-Krieg pirate nodded, before joining the stream of pirates heading over towards the Celestial Dragons' ship. Bartolomeo himself waited a few more minutes before hopping onto the barrier and running across.

He found a scene of complete and utter pandemonium. True, the Celestial Dragons had of course brought a security detail, and in spite of the fact that they rarely if ever saw any action due to no one in the world being stupid enough to attack the World Nobles, they were relatively decent, too. But against his pirates, in the dead of night? They were outnumbered and outmatched. Whether they had been shot, stabbed, slashed, crushed, or blown up, the majority were scattered, unmoving, over the shattered deck.

_**BANG!** _

Bartolomeo sighed as a bullet pinged off of the barrier he'd reflexively thrown up. He turned around to look at a rotund, mustachioed man holding a smoking pistol and wearing a bubble helmet, way-too-tight briefs, and little else. A young, equally scantily clad slave girl was held in the Celestial Dragon's other arm, her gaze tight with fear.

"Aw, geeze, man," Bartolomeo groaned, snapping a hand up to cover his eyes. "Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to get rid of memories like this? This barrier can block a lot of shit, but psycho-whosits torture isn't a part of it!"

"Psychological," Mr. 5 provided as he dug out more ammunition from his nostril.

"Yeah, that."

"How dare you, assaulting my ship like this!" the Celestial Dragon roared back. "I'll give you one chance. Submit to being my slaves, or be tossed into the deepest, darkest depths of Impel Down!"

Gin answered for them all by punching him in the face, shattering his helmet and dropping him like sack of potatoes.

"Aw, c'mon, Gin, I wanted to do that!" Bartolomeo whined. "Plus, I'm the captain, I got first dibs!"

"I stopped putting my captains on pedestals after my last crew," the tired-eyed man scoffed as he rolled his shoulder. "Anyway, you can kick him in the ribs for all I care. I've got my pound of flesh."

"Still, though, it's the principle of the damn matter!"

Mr. 5 sighed as Bartolomeo and Gin got into another squabble, and carefully took the slave girl, standing petrified next to the downed World Noble, by the shoulders. "Did he _really_ think he could take us?" the former agent drawled, more to himself than her. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Now, let's see if I remember how to pick this kind of lock…"

"Kyaaaa!"

All eyes turned to the hole in the deck as a screaming and flailing Miss Valentine was launched out of it by a mountain of a man dressed in a black suit and sunglasses, a Marine overcoat with Captain's insignia on top and a massive silver halberd in his hands.

"Pirate scum," he rumbled, winding up a swing at Bartolomeo. The halberd promptly shattered upon the barrier, and the Captain only had time to widen his eyes before Gin and Bartolomeo negligently lashed their respective tonfa and force fields at him, slamming him into the water, and not missing a beat in their argument.

"—And do you know how much fun it is to feel the cartilage breaking under your bare hands?!" their captain demanded. "I think you do! And that just makes it worse!"

"Nggnn…"

"Shut up, you!" Bartolomeo barked, stamping down on the groaning World Noble's face. "You don't get an opinion!"

"Those two are monsters," Mr. 5 muttered as the lock finally clicked under his hands. "There we go, you're free to—"

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

"—what the—?"

**CRASH!**

"Owww, that never gets any better…" Miss Valentine griped as she rubbed her ass before holding up the torn, battered skeleton of her parasol before her eyes. "But also totally not my fault! Will you look at this?! The damn bastard shredded my umbrella!" She reached up, and then growled as she found something missing. "And I lost my hat, too! Someone tell me where that bastard is so I can get Mr. 5 to kick his ass!"

"I'll get right on that…"

The female assassin blinked and looked around in confusion for a second before turning her gaze downwards to observe the thoroughly stunned Mr. 5 she was sitting on. "Oh. Uh… oops?"

"Captain and Gin knocked him into the drink, anyway," Apis said as she floated over on Lindy's back. "Please tell me one of you idiots got the Transponder Snail?"

"Right here, Miss Apis," one of the crew members reported, holding out the snail in question.

"Good job," she said, taking the snail and stroking its neck. "Now, where is that World Noble— _hurk!"_ She cut herself off when her eyes fell on the rotund, near-nude form of the man in question. "Ooookay, never mind. I wouldn't make Lindy touch that bastard with a ten foot pole."

The juvenile Millennial Dragon in question warbled out a sickened groan of agreement.

"—And that's why you're the biggest jackass I've ever met, and that's saying—!"

"Hold that thought." Bartolomeo cut his first mate off with a pair of crossed fingers and a barrier, ignoring him as he pounded on the invulnerable wall in favor of addressing Apis' presence. "You ready for the next step, pintsize?"

"Anything besides looking at that man again," the young girl muttered, before glancing up into the sky. "Now, where are… _there_ you are." The Devil Fruit user waved her hand up at the sky, in response to which a seagull floated down from where it had been circling the ocean, letting out a caw of annoyance.

"Yes, yes, I know," the girl sighed, rolling her eyes and pulling out a slice of bread that she tossed to the seagull. "Feel any better?"

The gull's cawing suddenly took on a _much_ more pleasant-sounding tone.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Apis rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Okay, Captain, we just need to follow the gull."

"You heard her, boys!" Bartolomeo barked. "Let's get out of here before a Marine Admiral shows up!"

**-o-**

On any other day, the streets of Enies Lobby would have been a perfect example of the clockwork perfection of the inner workings of the Marines and the World Government: Paperwork filed neatly and precisely, drills practiced to perfection, and an ever-present garrison of soldiers just waiting for an opportunity to fight to uphold the Justice of the World Government!

However, in truth, this was merely the surface of Enies that was presented to the world. In truth, the state of Enies was _far_ less impressive. After fifty years of pirates never managing to so much as scratch the gates that Oimo and Kashi guarded, the soldiers of the Navy and the World Government had started to view Enies Lobby as little more than a vacation posting. Protocols were relaxed, drill schedules dwindled away into nonexistence, and ultimately the island fell lax.

This laxness bit the Marines in the ass on the day that the Straw Hats attacked, and it bit them _hard._

This was evidenced in the panic that was sown amongst the Marines as they desperately scrambled to prepare _some_ form of defensive line in order to face the onslaught of pirates that they just _knew_ was coming their way.

Credit where it was due, it was impressive enough that they'd managed to muster enough coordination to form any kind of line at all, but the endeavor fell apart in the most vital step of all.

"What do you mean you haven't done bayonet drills in ten years?!"

"Mortars! Where are those damn mortars?!"

"You call that a line? My five-year-old could make a better line than that! And does, on the wall, every single day!"

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no—!"

That is to say, the execution.

Still, lack of practice aside, the men of Enies _were_ still soldiers, so even if their coordination was lacking, it wasn't as if it was entirely _nonexistent._ As such, the soldiers were just starting to make some actual headway…

"H-Hey! HEY! PIRATES! I SEE PIRATES COMING!"

When a lookout stationed on a rooftop just _had_ to go ahead and kick the hornet's nest again.

However, before the soldiers could start to panic, one of the officers present in the mob cut through the chatter with a sharp whistle.

"BELAY THAT, SOLDIERS!" he roared as soon as he had the majority's attention. Every Marine present froze, and the officer nodded in satisfaction. "Well. Looks like you lumps of lard do have a few scraps of discipline left in you. And as for you…!" he barked up to the lookout. "Marine! How many pirates, and what weapons do they have?"

"Ah…" The lookout peered down the street hesitantly. "I, ah… I see three—!"

"You heard the man! Now, we might be outnumbered three to one, but—!"

"Ah, sir? That's not quite right. We… actually outnumber them."

"Huh? But you said that you saw three hundred of them!"

"No…"

It was at that point that the pirates in question rounded a corner and came into full view.

"I said that there were _three, period."_

And indeed, much to the surprise and bemusement of the Marines, that's all that there were: One orange-haired woman with a metal staff and a nimbus of clouds floating around her, one short, fur-covered Zoan wearing a top hat with vials strapped across his chest, and one man wearing a baseball cap gripping a large cannon with one hand, a baton with another, and carrying a grinning snail on his shoulder.

Just three pirates, no more, no less.

And yet they managed to terrify all one hundred of the soldiers with the smiles they were sporting.

To be fair, however, the smiles the pirates were sporting were far from normal. Well, no, that wasn't quite true. They _seemed_ normal, at first glance. But a longer look revealed lips drawn just a little too wide, cheek muscles just a little too tense, and far, far too many teeth for comfort. And the eyes, oh, the eyes! Those smiles reached the pirates' eyes, and many a Marine wished they didn't, for the eyes glinted with a mix of sadistic glee, mean-spirited mischief, and plain old-fashioned murderous _hate_. What their eyes said about those smiles was absolutely not something to contemplate.

In short… the pirates made up for their numerical inferiority by sheer bowel-loosening _terror._

Whispers were swiftly born amongst the uneasy ranks of the Marines.

"T-That snail—! T-That's Jeremiah Cross, a-and Soundbite!"

"Oh no, oh no, there's nowhere to hide anymore, oh no, oh no—!"

"Y-Yeah, and that woman! T-That must be their navigator, Nami!"

"That cloud… R-Roronoa must be right, she really _is_ a witch!"

"Don't look her in the eye, lest she take your very soul and make you pay interest to get it back!"

"T-Then that monster with them… i-it's the mad doctor, Chopper!"

"Don't let him take me alive, shoot me if you have to, _just don't let him take me alive!"_

_FWEEEET!_

The Marines were shocked into silence when a shrill whistle pierced the air from the direction of the pirates, drawing all of their attention back to them.

"Hello, Marine dipshits!" Jeremiah Cross's grin took on a taunting tone as he mockingly saluted them. "We're on our way to the Tower of Justice to go get our crewmate back! You poor saps all have the misfortune of happening to be in our way, but the fact is that you're not the ones we're here to utterly destroy. So, you all have two options: let us through…" The man's grin widened as his baton suddenly started crackling with electricity. "Or get _whipped._ What'll it be?"

"W-We're not afraid of you pirates!" stuttered one of the Marines with what little courage he could muster up. "T-There are a hundred of us here now, and our reinforcements will be here in a minute! T-T-There are thousands of us on this island, your lives are forfeit!"

The pirates took a second to glance amongst themselves and exchange grins before starting to chuckle morbidly.

"Reinforcements?" Cross snickered as though he'd just heard a joke.

"Y-Yes!" the Marine reiterated, his stutter belying just how confident he really was.

"Oh, please," Nami scoffed as she shook her head in pity. "Let me share with you one of the things I've learned in my years of hunting treasure: quality is better than quantity… though both is even better…" She trailed off into silence as she stared off into nothing, a slight trail of drool escaping her slack smile. She was quick to recover when Cross whacked the back of her head, though, her smile shifting to sheepish.

" _I prefer quantity, myself; after all, you need large sample sizes for true_ _**SCIENCE!"**_ Chopper grinned menacingly.

"The point we're trying to make," Cross cut in, smirking as he spun his baton into his pocket. "Is that it just really doesn't _matter_ how many warm bodies you throw at us, because we're going to cut through them anyway to get to our comrade. The best way to put it… well." Cross shrugged helplessly. "Allow me to put my own spin on an oft-rehashed quote: 'Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil…'"

Cross suddenly shot his hand up and snapped his fingers, prompting a flurry of introductory pipe organ notes to ring out as Nami swung her Clima-Tact in front of her. The Marines recoiled in horror as a mass of impenetrable haze that had been hiding between the buildings of the street surged into the open to loom above the street like the shadow… of…

Several Marines actually _did_ lose control of their bodily functions as they made a most unfortunate leap of logic.

Beneath the shadow of the cloud, the light was angled in _just_ such a manner that it illuminated Cross's smile, expanding it to face-consuming proportions and making him look not like a demon, but a walking, half-decomposed _corpse._

" _For we are as death itself."_

The Marines had all of one second to let the phrase run through their terror-addled minds before a medley of bone-rattlingly loud voices suddenly began roaring.

" _FIRST YOU SEE US… THEN YOU DON'T!"_

The Marines froze as one and started to pant in terror as the fog suddenly surged past the pirates and consumed them, reducing the world to what they could reach out and touch.

" _NOW YOU HEAR US…_ _ **now you WON'T!"**_

The company of Marines jumped in shock when an uproar of noise erupted from everywhere around them, so utterly chaotic and maddening that it was impossible to determine where one noise started and another ended. The Marines tried to regain some semblance of normality for one second, two seconds, three…

Then, all of a sudden, dozens of shadows appeared all around them, towering and glaring down at the Marines, the noise and their roars now taking on a hellish rendition of _song_.

" _ **IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"**_

One of the ranking officers opened their mouth in an attempt to bark orders over the pirates' din…

" _Guess you should have figured out some secrets of your own."_

And was promptly silenced by a metal-clad fist crushing into his mouth and laying him out flat.

" _NOW YOU FEEL US… NOW YOU CAN'T!"_

Overwhelmed, the Marines began frantically firing and slashing at the shadows. Some faded, others turned out to be fellow Marines, and yet others began contorting in the most inhuman of manners. One in particular distended for a brief second before seeming to burst out of the brume, the very clouds snaking out to grab one of the soldiers before flailing him around like a ragdoll, downing almost a dozen more Marines before flinging him into a wall with stone-shattering force.

" _ARE WE REAL? PERHAPS WE AREN'T!"_

One of the larger shadows suddenly surged forwards and rammed dead into the center of the soldiers, massive fists flailing and laying low Marine after Marine without fail. However, the moment the Marines tried to take aim at it, the figure vanished into nowhere. The next second, the Marines were flung into an almighty panic, half on account of the air being _ripped_ apart by numerous explosions erupting from… well, everywhere, the other half on account of their comrades suddenly collapsing to the ground with syringes sticking out of varying parts of their anatomy.

" **IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD! IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"**

One particularly skittish soldier gulped. "Is… Is it really such a nasty world?" he squeaked semi-hysterically.

Unfortunately for him, he received an answer in the form of a fist grabbing his collar and jerking him forward so that he was face to face with a pair of viciously grinning faces.

" _Oh, yes,"_ the smiles crooned in a tone that was way too calm for the sadistic glee it contained. " _A very nasty world."_ And with that, the larger of the two smiles surged forward and caved the soldier's nose in before dropping him and moving on.

" _ **Nastier than you could ever dream of!"**_

" _From up above!"_

Lightning lanced down from above unto the Marines, shattering what little cohesion they had left.

" _And from beneath!"_

A figure suddenly leapt out of the low-hanging fog, taking only a few seconds of grappling to jerk him down and out of sight, where in spite of all the madness being broadcast, _everyone_ could hear the sounds of the poor man screaming as his bones shattered.

" _Eyes and jaws!"_

Unseen by anyone, a diminutive figure measuring at a little under three feet dashed in amongst the legs of the Marines, an almost negligible pair of blades clutched in his hooves that he lashed out, slicing shallow but very precise cuts. The only sign the Marines ever received that he existed was when they suddenly collapsed without warning, their limbs refusing to comply with their desires no matter what they did.

" _Claws and teeth!"_

The fear factor ramped up another full degree when a _dog_ of all things suddenly leapt out of the low-hanging fog obscuring the ground from sight, leaping onto one of the few officers left standing and dragging him down into the fog in a flailing ball of fear and fangs.

" _Ready to attack you, you're a Mook, you'd better run! Don't come fighting with a pirate if you haven't got a gun!"_

Devilish cackling filled the air as one of the few remaining Marines attempted to crawl away from the madness, shakily removing a Transponder Snail from his jacket and doing his best to ignore the hellish hymn going on as he fumbled for the button hidden on the shell he knew would cause the snail to start bawling out an SOS. He then regretted the action when the snail started _literally_ bawling in his hands.

" _Every creature for survival has to look out for itself! Got no nannies here, or grannies, dear, to look after your health!"_

The next line faded out as a chorus of bloodcurdling screams rang out, illusions of what looked like loving, motherly figures surrounding them contorting into nightmares straight out of Lovecraft. "Pickupickupickupickupickup—" the soldier muttered feverishly.

"—AND EVERY CHILD COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE GOT NO BRAINS TO INTERFERE!" bellowed the voices. By now, the snail seemed to be getting nauseous from all of the sweat on the man holding it, who was currently in the process of running for the nearest building. As the voices let out a growing moan, he slammed the door behind him, and mercifully, the other end picked up.

" _Lieutenant Sims here, what is your emergency?"_ drawled a bored voice over the line.

" _First you see us… then you don't…"_ came the voices from outside, just audible enough to still be terrifying.

"I-I-I-I n-n-need r-reinforcements! H-Help! S-Someone, _anyone—"_

" _Now you hear us… now you won't…"_ came the whispers again. " _It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!"_

The Marine's shuddering redoubled as he stared around in terror. "W-W-We're completely outmatched, we're b-b-being torn apart by the b-boatload, oh no, oh God—!"

" _H-Hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Marine!"_ Lieutenant Sims barked hastily. " _Hurry up and talk some sense, damn it!"_

" _Now you feel us… now you can't!"_

"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-God—!"

" _DAMN IT, MARINE, WHO THE HELL IS ATTACKING YOU!?"_

" _Are we real? Perhaps we aren't!"_

" _DEMONS!"_ the Marine howled in terror. "T-THEY'RE DEMONS, _THEY'RE FUCKING DE—!"_

"Demons, eh…"

The Marine trailed off into a terrified gurgle as a metal-clad hand suddenly snagged the back of his skull and held it tight.

"Demons… Pffhahaha… you know, I actually really _like_ that. Yeah… Tony Tony Chopper, Nami, and Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: the Demon Trio. I really, really like it. It's, shall we say… _appropriate?"_

The soldier could only whimper as the metal fingers slowly increased their pressure upon his scalp.

"See, on the crew, we already have what we call 'The Monster Trio'. Luffy, Zoro and Sanji. They're our top three fighters, our monsters. You see them, you immediately know that you're fucked because they can destroy you in a second. They're monsters, they're immediate threats, it's just who they _are._ "

The Marine's whimper devolved into a squeal when a pair of toothy smiles filled his peripheral vision. "Ah, but demons… demons are _normal,_ you see. They walk like normal people, talk like normal people, laugh, cry and love like normal people… Until you piss them off. Until you make them take off their mask and they show you what lies beneath. Because when that happens…"

Cross suddenly reared the Marine's head back—

_CRASH!_

—and _slammed it_ straight through the nearest table he could find, crushing his head into the floorboards below.

" _We give you nothing short of hell itself!"_ Cross snarled at the yet-active Transponder Snail.

The Snail's response was to roll its eyes up in their sockets and keel over with a whimper.

Cross blinked in surprise before chuckling sheepishly as he scratched the side of his head. "Damn, I think I scared _myself_ a little there," he admitted. However, he then paused in his ministrations and allowed himself yet another grin. "Still, though… the Demon Trio… heheheh… I'll have to run that by them…"

And with that, the Pirate spun on his heel and started walking down the street.

" _It's our secret of survival, secret of survival, secret of survival,"_ he sang beneath his breath as he strolled back into the fog, spinning a crackling rod of metal in his fingers as he went. "It's our secret of survival in a very, very, _very_ nasty world…"

" _ **So nasty…"**_ the fog purred in agreement as it swallowed him whole.

**-o-**

Apoo's eye twitched furiously as he stared at the yet-grinning Transponder Snail. "Apapa… well, if I didn't think it was a dumb idea to try messing with Cross _before…"_

"Ah, C-Captain, are you sure about this?"

"Eh?" Scratchman Apoo blinked as he was brought back to the there and then before glancing over at the crewmember next to him, who was practically quaking in his boots, and scoffed. "Bah! It's three ships! And the highest-ranking officer is a Commodore! Perfectly manageable." He sent a pointed glance at the Transponder Snail on a table next to him. "Of course, that's _if_ our intelligence is correct."

" _Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence skills!"_ the mask-sporting snail retorted indignantly. " _This is accurate as of yesterday, I'd bet Porche's makeup kit on it!"_

" _Not if you want to remain a man, you won't!"_

Apoo rolled his eyes as Foxy and his first mate descended into their _third_ argument of the conversation. "Why did I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel… bah, anyway. Did you at _least_ dig up some information on what the officers are capable of?" he asked in an attempt to get things back on track.

The line was occupied by the sound of scuffling for a few more minutes before the snail re-donned its mask and spoke up again. " _Right, right, where's that file… ah, got it! Task Force Cerberus. They're a rapid response force for this part of the Grand Line, supposed to be able to respond to any disturbance in a matter of hours."_ He snorted with a grim scowl. " _Not surprised Sengoku is recalling them; if he has more than fifteen battleships able to sortie in a few hours' notice at Marineford, I'll eat my own boxing gloves. Anyway, they're led by Commodore Blakely. She's an expert with wires, and recently upgraded from steel to that newfangled Wapometal for more versatility. Very, very dangerous, on the fast track for promotion to Vice Admiral."_

The Roar of the Sea's exasperation promptly morphed into wariness. "Apa… and… you know this _how,_ exactly?"

The long-arm's gut dropped when the grin on the other end suddenly became one that he had grown to associate with _Cross. "Oooh, a few ways. One is that I have_ quite _the extensive crew who don't all wear their masks 24/7 and who write reports upon returning from bar-hopping during shore-leave."_ Foxy's grin redoubled. " _Another is that Blakely has a tendency to be sloppy with her paperwork, and a new friend of mine was kind enough to share his contacts with me recently. Very… feh feh feh,_ well-placed _contacts, shall we say?"_

Apoo's wariness snapped straight to full-on dread. "Remind me, what the _hell_ is your bounty again?!"

" _FEEEEEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH~!"_

" _Er, captain? The other two officers?"_

"— _FEH FEH FE—"_ The laughter abruptly cut off in favor of a sharp cough. " _R-Right, moving on to the two Captains. One of them is Narwhal. Big guy, very strong, wields a supersized bazooka with special ammunition. Oh, and it's also a hammer. Needless to say, he's their primary long-range firepower. Then there's Lazor. He wields a pair of bladed tonfa, and he's quite good with them. Those two are strong for Captains, but, well, they're still Captains. No match for a pair of powerful crews like yourselves."_

{You got that damn straight!}

Apoo glanced to the other captain he was sailing with and nodded in acknowledgement. "Captain Dugong agrees with you, Foxy."

" _Of course he does! I know what I'm talking about! FEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"_

Captain Dugong turned away from the masked Transponder Snail to shoot a flat look at Apoo. {Remind me how you got involved with working with us, again?}

Apoo grimaced and glanced at the cackling snail. "Because I slipped up when I talked to the damn bastard on my way here and he figured out that I'm really friends with Cross." He paused for a second before shrugging and tilting his head side to side. "Aaaand I figured out that he's actually a subordinate of the Straw Hats, so for all that he's arrogant and I'm a bit ticked off that he's not here with us so as to maintain his anonymity, it's not like he's actually _that_ bad of a guy."

" _FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH!"_

Both Apoo and Captain Dugong glanced at one another with twitching eyebrows as Foxy continued to cackle at his self-proclaimed "genius". Before they could do more than that, though, another Kung Fu Dugong soared out of the water and landed on the deck, before lowering himself into a low bow to Captain Dugong.

[Captain, sir!] the Dugong barked. [We've located Task Force Cerberus, and the Great Kung Fu Galleon and its consorts are in position!]

[Good work!] Captain Dugong replied. [Prep the ships for action and wait for the signal!]

[Aye-aye!] And with that, the dugong bowed again and dove back into the water.

{We're good to go,} Captain Dugong signed to Apoo, followed by a series of numbers. {That sufficient for navigation?}

"Should be," was Apoo's reply. "Alright, we have our course! Bearing 308 degrees, maximum sail! Gun crews are to man the cannons!"

"Aye aye, captain!" came the decidedly unenthusiastic reply.

Captain Dugong quirked an eyebrow at that. {Are you sure they'll fight?}

"They'll fight, much as they grumble about me being utterly nutso," Apoo replied with an enthusiastic grin. "Gotta get them used to my stunts _somehow,_ right?"

" _FEH FEH FEH FE—Oh, wait, is that—? Feh heh, what a coincidence, we just spotted our target, too! I'll call you guys back once we're done so that we can meet up and have some drinks! On me, of course, because we're gonna be swimming in Marine alcohol once we finish with this raid! Good luck to you, my friends! FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FE—KA-LICK!"_

Captain Dugong and Apoo rolled their eyes as the Transponder Snail clicked off, and the two settled back to keeping an eye on the horizon as the Stay Tuned tacked on the course set. It wasn't long before the sterns of the Marine battleships came into view, under full sail. Sadly, whatever the virtues of the Marine battleships, with their broad, deep, and very heavy hulls, speed was not one of them, and the Stay Tuned was rapidly gaining. The Marines, naturally, noticed this and began to turn around to face them.

"Captain…" one crewmember whined nervously.

"Wait for it…" Apoo muttered.

"Captain!"

"Wait for it…"

By now, all three battleships were broadside to the Stay Tuned, their gun turrets lumbering around to point some very large-caliber cannons at them.

" _CAPTAIN!"_ the crew shouted as one.

"Alright, alright! Bunch of wimps…" Sighing, Apoo put his fingers to his lips and blew, producing a deep, reverberating sound that seemed to vibrate the whole ocean. Then it passed, and for a moment, nothing happened.

Then, out of nowhere, three ships—one old, battered, and wearing its barnacles proudly, and two that would have passed for Marine ships were it not for their new turtleshell-pattern paint jobs—surfaced right underneath the Marine task force's keels, lifting the battleships under the combined force of their surfacing and the muscle power of the Dugongs manning them.

Of course, as physics dictated, what goes up must come down, and the battleships promptly fell off and onto their sides.

"Apapapapapa!" Apoo cackled as Marines began to swarm over the battleships' exposed side, snapping into the first stance of the Double-Joints Martial Arts Style. "Ready for a fight, Cappy?"

Captain Dugong smirked eagerly as he held his flipper out to his side. His first mate was swift to fill the waiting palm with a rod of green steel, a shimmering curved blade coming out of one side. Captain flexed his flipper around the naginata, spinning it around his form enough times that, were he even marginally less skilled, he'd be sliced to ribbons. Not to mention the railing suddenly acquiring a wood carving of Captain Dugong himself popping a thumbs up.

"Apapapapapa! Great answer!" Apoo cackled, putting his boot up on the railing. "Now… let's do this!"

And with that, the two Captains leapt over the edge of the ship and straight into battle.

**-o-**

"…OK, Cross, be honest with me: how long were you planning that horror show back there?" Nami asked at last, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder as we strolled down the street and away from the scene of utmost carnage we'd created not a minute earlier.

I chuckled grimly as I folded my arms behind my head. "Come now, guys, you really think that with literally all of the thousands of inside jokes from my home at my disposal, Soundbite and I haven't planned at least a _few_ dozen instances just like this for scenarios just like these? I thought we'd take advantage of a bad situation and, you know, have a little fun." I tilted my head to grin at them. "You saying you guys didn't have fun, _or_ that you don't like the little badass moniker I came up with for us all?"

Nami glanced away with a slight blush as she scratched her cheek. "…More than my sanity is willing to admit…" she muttered sheepishly.

"For the sake of my Hippocratic Oath, I think I'll refrain from answering," Chopper deadpanned as he stared straight ahead.

" _Still say that_ **we should be a QUARTET,"** Soundbite sniffed in faux indignation.

"Not a chance, our crew is composed of Trios and that is an immutable fact," I scoffed as I waved my hand casually. "To change that would be to irrevocably warp the fabric of reality itself."

"What about the TDWS?" Chopper pointed out.

"Pre-packaged, doesn't count."

" _ **Still—!"**_

"Before we can start arguing over semantics," Nami cut in. "Does anyone know how far we are from the courthouse?" Her expression and clouds both darkened as she shot sidelong glares at us. "And any commentary on my position or my abilities will be met with _pain,_ got it? Just tell me when we'll hit the—"

She cut herself off as we turned a corner, revealing the courthouse looming larger than life over a rather impressive courtyard that was currently a scene of one-sided carnage as the rest of our small force _demolished_ the last remnants of the Marine defense force.

"…courthouse. Well, that answers that. Should we join in?"

"Eh, I dunno," I snickered, crossing my gauntlets behind my head. "Personally, I've already had my fill of petty fights for the moment. I'm fine with enjoying what's left of the show."

"Speak for yourself!" Lassoo howled as he leapt off my shoulder and charged into the fray with bloodthirsty eagerness.

Chopper watched the hound go with a slight twitch in his eye. "Our whole crew is just a _bundle_ of neuroses, isn't it?"

"But they're our neurotics, so it all balances out," Nami pointed out with a dry chuckle.

"Anyway, let's start walking; by the time we get over there, they should have finished and reached the front doors," I chuckled, taking my own advice and striding up to the massive structure.

And indeed, the time that we arrived at the doors, carefully picking our way around piles of downed Marines stacked like cordwood, was the same time that the rest of our crewmates reached it.

Of course, the first to greet us was a certain Hurricane of Love spinning up to grab our Navigator's hands.

"NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji cheered exuberantly. "I'm so glad to see that you were victorious in your battles! And might I just say that your clouds make you look as truly angelic as dear Conis herse—!"

_THWAP!_

"Ow!" Sanji flinched before rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "Ah, sorry, Nami-Swan, I was just so happy to see you again, and— _eh?"_ Sanji cut himself off and stared down in confusion at the arm-like bands of cloud wrapped around him. "Uh…?"

"Grgrggh, stupid damn—!" Nami hissed in an embarrassed tone as she all but strangled her wrist.

"Pfhehehe!" I snickered behind my fist. "I take back what I said before: no need to bother yourself with getting therapy, this is just too much fun!"

_THWAP!_

"Ow!" I flinched and chuckled anew as I rubbed the spot where the cloud had clocked me over the head. "Though admittedly I'll have to watch what I say around you, but eh, small price to pay."

_THWAP-THWAP!_

The pair of blows, organic and meteorological alike, only made me laugh _harder._

Soundbite, meanwhile, shot a cheeky grin at his fellow shoulder-rider. "HOW'D THE _headcount contest_ _ **turn out?"**_

"Alas!" Su put the back of her paw to her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. "Alas, my dear companion put up an effort most valiant, but she lost by a matter of dozens! I'm afraid that she'll be swabbing poopdeck for the foreseeable future."

"And I'll be using _your_ stupid fluffy tail to do every inch of it!" Conis growled vehemently, strangling the air as she glared bloody murder at her companion.

"You'll have to catch me fi~irst," Su sang as she swished her tail back and forth.

" **Good luck hiding** _ **WITH ME ON**_ _the case!"_ Soundbite leered mockingly.

"Oh, I imagine that my task will be _much_ easier once I have myself a little slimy _snack."_ The cloud-fox emphasized her point with a snap of her fangs.

The boisterous gastropod responded with his own chomp. " _ **Bring it on."**_

"Oh, you _know_ I wi—!"

"Unless the peanut gallery has anything _meaningful_ to add," Zoro thankfully interrupted, causing the animals to flinch and grin self-consciously. "Let's move on before the damn bastards who have been trailing us in the shadows catch up to us. Agreed?" There was a moment of muttered agreements from us all. "Good. Leo, you want in on this?"

"A chance to deface yet more Government property?" Leo grinned eagerly as he spun his katana into a ready position. "Hell _yes."_

"Hey, hey, hey, hold on a second, you guys," I said hastily, jogging up beside them. "Go ahead and slash the doors, if you must, but leave the pieces in place, alright? I need a second to tell everyone what's up next."

The human and Dugong glanced at one another in confusion for a moment before shrugging indifferently. They then proceeded to _move_ , and while the door _looked_ like it was intact, I could definitely feel a stiff breeze flowing through it.

"Alright, then, everyone gather up!" I raised my voice, garnering the attention of pirate, shipwright, King Bull, and thug alike. "Phase one, the approach, is complete," I announced calmly. "Phase two, commencing ingress, proceeds as follows: we the Straw Hats head inside and towards the roof, where Luffy should be waiting for us, and the rest of you work on pulling the levers, located in the towers of the courthouse, in order to lower the drawbridge while keeping as many mooks as you can from following us, and making sure that they _don't_ stop the bridge from lowering. Though don't sweat it if you can't…" I grinned maliciously. "We'll still have a way in even if the bridge gets stopped. Everyone clear on the plan?"

Once more, everyone nodded in agreement.

"Glad to hear it! Now, then…" I gestured at Lassoo, prompting him to pad over me and leap into the air, allowing me to catch him and point his cannon-form at the door. "If you'll pardon me, I'm going to take this opportunity to say Number 9 on my List Of Things I Want To Say At Least Once In The Right Context™, which I composed after saying number one awhile back! And yes…" I tilted my head with a grin as I narrowed my eye and steadied Lassoo. "You _did_ hear a trademark in that. FIRE!"

_**KA-BOOM!** _

I strode through the gaping hole in the courthouse's doors as the smoke and rubble settled, Lassoo balanced on my shoulder and a shit-eating grin on my face.

"Order in the court," I announced confidently.

"Oy vey…" I heard Nami groan behind me.

" _You swiss-cheesy_ **motherfucker!"** Soundbite guffawed.

"Hey, it's a quote bucket list for a reason!" I chuckled as I looked through the settling dust.

It took me a minute to get past the fact that there was a large group of mooks looking at me, and the sheer scale of the courthouse; seriously, I'd been in more than a few impressive churches in my time, and damn, but this place was on par with Notre Dame in sheer stature. Then I turned towards the three-headed judge who was standing nearest the front, debating the appropriate course of action with himself. Then, questioning my sanity in every way possible, I proceeded to open my mouth…

"Oh, a _princess!"_ I cried, pointing at the center head.

Soundbite's expression promptly became fell into poleaxed confusion. "UHH… _**are you quite**_ **SANE?"**

Meanwhile, the central head gained a demure grin. "How sweet of you to notice," he purred.

The next instant, naturally, found the other two heads slamming into him. "DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, YOU RABBLE-ROUSER!" they roared at me.

Soundbite shifted his look to the cerberus-human. "THE HELL—?"

"Oh, so _that's_ why the Central Freeway is closed for repair, because you keep headbutting it," I called out in a tone of realization.

"Precisely!" the center head said, only to be bashed again.

"SHADDAP!" the two other heads growled before turning to me. "AND THE SAME TO YOU!"

My snail promptly 'ah'd in realization. " **Now I get it!** _ **THEY'RE ALL INSANE,**_ _aren't they?"_

"Exactly! Though the one in the middle is easily the worst. I wonder if I can mess with them a little—!" _THWACK! "OW!"_

"You're taking too long, Cross," Zoro growled as I clutched the back of my skull in agony. "You're the one who keeps telling us that time isn't on our side. Start taking your own advice."

"Ugh, spoilsport," I grumbled as I pinned him with a stinkeye. "Hey, we're coming up on a bit that's as serious as the grave and I wanted to have a _little_ more fun before we got into it, sue me!"

"GLADLY!" yelled Baskerville and several onlooking soldiers as they drew their weapons.

My eye twitched in annoyance as I remembered where we were and stepped out of the way. "On second thought? Slice 'em up. And when it comes to the big boy, either aim horizontal or go straight down the middle."

"Right," Zoro grunted before adopting a familiar stance. Then the air began to ripple around him and his swords. Any other instance, I'd probably be wondering how the hell he managed to pull this move off.

"Three Sword Style: Charming Demon Sleepless Night…" Zoro's eyes flashed malevolently. " _ONI GIRI!"_

But right now? I was quite content to watch as the Marines fell like rain, Judge Baskerville included.

"Now," Zoro grunted as he re-sheathed Wado Ichimonji. "Let's get going."

"Lay on, MacDuff," I said, sweeping my arm forward before glancing over my shoulder at Nami. "Or, well, _Lady_ MacDuff as it were."

"Not so fast," growled a trio of voices, and I turned with annoyance but not much surprise to see the three part-giants pushing themselves back up. Their outfit had been reduced to tatters, but they seemed hardly worse for the wear judging by their glares and steady stances. "Court is in session."

"We plead guilty, and sentence ourselves to breaking out of Impel Down if we lose to CP9, and freedom if we don't," Sanji drawled.

" **COURT DISMISSED!** _ **BRING IN THE DANCIN' LOBSTERS!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

It was a true testament to the trio's synchronicity that all three of their foreheads erupted with infuriated veins at once.

"You dare to pass judgment in _our_ courtroom?" Bas snarled.

"Such impudence!" Kerville growled around grinding teeth.

"In this sacred house of justice…" 'Princess' rumbled murderously.

In a flash of motion, the trio surged forwards at us, swinging their blade down like a guillotine.

" _ **WE ARE THE LAW!"**_ they howled.

I got ready to duck behind Zoro…

_**KA-BOOM!** _

But found the motion to be suddenly rendered moot on account of the Judge(s) whipping their blade up to block an incoming cannonball.

"Hey, now…"

Attention shifted over to Zambai as he marched up to the judge with his still-smoking bazooka perched on his shoulder, flanked by the Square Sisters on one side and Galley-La's foremen on the other.

"I realize that we might not be as photogenic as the Straw Hats," Zambai continued as he loaded a new shell in his cannon. "But don't forget that we're in on this party too. We've got our own pride to think about, damn it!" He shot a thumbs up at us with a smirk. "You guys go on ahead and save your crewmate. Just leave this clown to _us."_

"And by the way, here." Paulie dug an envelope out of his jacket and tossed it to me. "I'd love to stuff this down Lucci's throat myself, but I'm not _that_ delusional. Just make sure that damn bastard gets the message. Clear?"

I grinned and gave the rope-master a two-fingered salute. "You got it. Give 'em hell, good sir!"

"DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'LL LET YOU GET PAST US!?" Baskerville roared as they swung their blade back.

_CLANG!_

"YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THE MATTER!" the Square sisters shot back as they blocked the swing in tandem.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Tilestone bellowed as he pumped his fists in agreement.

"You think we can manage the Tree Nail Lock here?" Lulu asked, hammer and nails at the ready.

"It's sure worth a shot," Paulie replied with a grin as the collective Baskerville dodged another bazooka blast from Zambai.

"Well, looks like they've got this handled," Nami announced with a confident nod. "Come on, let's get moving!"

"Right behind you, Nami-swan!" Sanji spun after her eagerly, with the rest of us dead on her tail. With my eye on Zoro the whole time, we made it to the stairs easily enough. But unfortunately, as we neared the top…

" _Guilty. Guilty."_

I tensed in terror as a _fucking demented_ voice hit my ears and I put my head on a swivel. " _Shit,_ those crazy-ass Jurymen! Soundbite, where are they?!"

" **Ah…"** Soundbite spun his eyestalks around for a second—

" _GUILTY!"_

—before snapping them upwards in horror. " _ **ABOVE!"**_

I looked up along with him and I _very_ nearly lost my lunch when I caught sight of a _huge-ass ball of metal_ falling towards us from the rafters!

"MIGHT OF DAVID!"

Up until Mikey leapt at Leo and spring-boarded off of his crossed blades in order to leap up into the air, gripping each of his nunchucks tightly in his flippers, and caught said ball of metal with the freaking chain!

And he wasn't alone. While Mikey leapt at Leo, Donny spring-boarded off of Raphey's sai and rocketed up at an angle, shooting right past the ball—

"HEROD'S WRATH!"

At _just_ the right angle to spin and slam his bo-staff into the ball, sending both it and the vengeance-addled Juryman attached to it plummeting into the courtroom below.

Unfortunately, not only was the musclebound prisoner swift to get back on his feet…

" _GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"_

He was swiftly joined by _ten_ others just like him.

"They're coming out of the damn _woodwork!"_ Raphey cursed vehemently.

Leo ground his teeth for a second as he observed the crowd of praetorian-esque soldiers before suddenly leaping over the edge of the staircase. "TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD, _WITH ME!"_

" _RIGHT!"_ the rest of the adolescent Dugongs barked as they leapt after him.

"Wait, what the—!? _WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"_ Boss roared after his students.

"WE'RE HOLDING THE LINE!" Leo shouted back as he and his teammates fell back to back, doing their best to keep all of their madly grinning opponents in sight. "YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD, WE'LL KEEP THESE PSYCHOS OFF YOUR TAILS!"

Boss ground his teeth for a second before making the executive decision to snap his ropedart out at his pupils, albeit with the thermal-option deactivated. "THE HELL YOU BASTARDS ARE!"

Mikey's response was to shoot the dart out of the air with a swiftly drawn pistol. "THE HELL WE _AREN'T!"_ he shouted back as he aimed his pistols about. "THIS IS OUR CHOICE, BOSS! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO WATCH YOUR BACKS, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE US!"

"YOU GO ON AHEAD AND RESCUE ROBIN, WE'VE GOT YOUR SIX!" Donny reassured us with a spin of his staff.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT US!" Raphey roared as she ground her sai together in a flurry of sparks. "WE'RE THE GUARD FORCE OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! IF WE CAN'T HOLD OUR OWN, NO ONE CAN!"

"AND IN THE END," Leo tensed as he held his blades at the ready. "THERE'S ONE IMMUTABLE FACT THAT JUST CAN'T BE IGNORED! TO HOLD THE LINE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S COMRADES…"

"Oh, here it comes…" Nami groaned as she ground her palm into her forehead. Still, she was smiling just as wide as the rest of us.

The quartet of warriors proceeded to leap at the Jurymen.

" _THIS IS A MAN'S_ DUTY!"

Boss ground his teeth furiously as he watched his students brawl against the behemoths. "You little—! IF YOU BOYS DIE, I WILL PUNCH THE REAPER'S LIGHTS OUT SO THAT I CAN FISH YOU OUT OF HELL, _AND PERSONALLY PUT YOU BACK THERE MYSELF!"_

"GOOD LUCK, GUYS!" Usopp waved eagerly.

"DON'T FALL BEFORE THE BOYS DO, RAPHEY! GIRL POWER!" Su shouted.

"GO FOR THE GROIN!" Vivi encouraged. Every male in earshot paused long enough to shoot her a glare, the sole exception being Sanji, and even he didn't protest the many, many stinkeyes.

"Anyway, come on!" I waved for everyone to follow me as I continued up the stairs. "They've got this, now it's time that we do our part! _And_ _no cutting through the damn ceiling!"_ I shouted at Zoro.

" _Tch…"_

"WHY NOT? _WHY ARE WE_ _taking the_ _ **long way to the**_ **roof?"** Soundbite asked.

"Because if my memory serves me right…" I glanced upwards warily. "Odds are that Luffy is currently fighting Blueno, and we don't want to get in the middle of i—wait, what am I thinking? Can't you hear them?"

Soundbite visibly resisted the urge to _somehow_ facepalm as he narrowed his eyestalks in concentration.

" _ **I HEAR**_ **TWO GUYS up there besides the cap'n,** _ **and only**_ _ONE is conscious_ **.** _Judging by the_ _ **breath and heart pattern,**_ **BLUENO IS K.O. Currently, Luffy's fighting** _ **the other guy.**_ _Going by the fur, IT MUST BE THAT_ **WOLF** _ **ZOAN**_ YOU MENTIONED."

"JABRA?!" I snapped my head around to stare at Soundbite in shock.

" _Yeah…_ _ **but he sounds**_ **almost SCARED—** _ **OHHH,**_ _THAT'D DO IT!"_ Soundbite suddenly cackled ecstatically. "LUFFY'S _pissed. HE'S ABOUT TO BECOME_ **doggy kibble!"**

"Wait, the wolf was mine, right? Who am I going to fight now?" Sanji grumbled.

"My suggestion? Torture Spandam for what he did to Robin," I deadpanned.

Sanji promptly combusted. " _That'll work,"_ he snarled in malevolent eagerness.

"Speaking of…" I cast a sidelong glance at Soundbite.

The gastropod's expression promptly soured. " **Yeah, I got them.** _ **Robin and Franky are hurt…"**_ His scowl morphed into a grimace. " _And everything about the bastard gloating in front of them reads_ SCUM OF THE EARTH."

"Yeah, well— _WOAH!"_ I hissed in panic as I suddenly slammed myself back behind a corner I'd been about to round, narrowly missing a bullet aimed for my head. "Yeah, well, take solace in the fact that we're going to make his life suck _very_ soon. Can you tell me when he looks out his window in a panic?"

" **Oh, yeah,** _ **easily!"**_

"Good," I flicked my baton out as I got ready to head out. "Then do that, and then we'll _really_ be able to make that bastard squirm. For now, however?"

I joined my crewmates in charging the hapless defenders.

"GET THEM!"

**-o-**

"We're a few nautical miles from our destination, Captain!" Apis called down from the crow's nest. She then glanced up at the seagull wheeling away from them with a hesitant look before continuing. "And can I just say that I _really_ don't like this plan? I've been talking to our guide, and according to him, this place's reputation _undersells_ the reality! _Birds_ don't even chance flying over it unless they can enter the stratosphere, and even then they consider it a gamble!"

Bartolomeo menacingly leered up at the Whisper-Girl. "So, basically, what you're saying is that it's a hellish deathtrap that no sane entity, human or otherwise, would ever dare enter no matter what?"

Apis hesitated slightly before exchanging uneasy looks with Lindy and then looking back down at their captain in dread. "Yes?"

Bartolomeo's shark-like grin all but split his face. " _Perfect!"_

The girl hung her head with a tearful sob. "Why, oh, why couldn't we have been saved by the Straw Hats?" she moaned dismally.

Lindy warbled thoughtfully.

Apis' head promptly jerked as the point hit her dead-on. "Oh, yeah, you're right… they _would_ have been worse, wouldn't they?"

"You got _that_ damn right!" Valentine and 5 called up in acrid tones.

"SHUT IT!" Barto barked at the top of his lungs before nodding at Apis and jabbing a thumb at the crew's newest Transponder Snail. "Alright, brat, get this snail to call the biggest fish it knows and let's get this show on the road!"

Miss Goldenweek cocked an eyebrow in dull interest as she watched the other pre-adolescent on the crew converse with the snail, biting into a ricecracker she was holding before angling her head towards Gin. "Remind me why we're doing this again?"

Gin maintained his own neutral expression as he angled his head towards the painter. "According to the Boss, we're calling the Marines so that we can take credit for attacking that Noble and draw whichever Admiral they send after us on a wild goose chase, which is why we're in these godforsaken waters in the first place."

Goldenweek hummed noncommittally as she sank her teeth into the cracker. "And in reality?"

Gin moaned wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "He wants to taunt the Marines for shits and giggles because he thinks it's fun as hell and because it's what he thinks the Straw Hats would do."

Goldenweek's cracker snapped in half in her mouth. "…You ever wonder how the hell we got into this kind of a situation?"

" _Every single day."_ Gin held his pose for a second before allowing a minor smile to quirk out from behind his hand. "Mind you, that doesn't mean I'd want to be anywhere else."

"Preach it," the diminutive artist drawled as she held up a fist, which Gin met halfway with his own.

"EVERYONE CLAM IT!" Barto suddenly bellowed at the top of his lungs, causing his crew to fall silent as he jabbed a thumb at the vibrating snail resting on a nearby crate. "It's ringing! We should get a connection any sec—!"

He was promptly interrupted by the Snail in question barking out a _KA-LICK!_ and snapping to attention.

Barto turned to face the snail with a grin that was equal parts shiteating and bloodthirsty, his arms and fingers crossed in front of his chest.

"Helloooooo, Marine Headquarters! This is Black Bart Bartolomeo, calling to—!"

" _We know exactly who you are, Black Bart,"_ came a voice that was most decidedly _not_ Fleet Admiral Sengoku—or any Marine officer, for that matter. It was, however, powerful enough to freeze Bartolomeo in place. " _And we would like to know_ how _you managed to get ahold of this number and why you are calling us."_

Bartolomeo hesitated for a moment before steeling his back and transitioning his leer into a scowl. "I stole this snail off the ship of a World Noble whose nose I _personally_ —" The hooligan-turned-pirate shot a warning look at his first mate, cowing him into silence before continuing. "Broke with my bare knuckles. I'm calling you bastards so that I can take credit for the _public service_ I committed, and so that I can lay a message at the feet of the highest fucker on the foodchain I can get my hands on."

It was a credit to the speaker that he didn't even twitch an inch as he regarded Bartolomeo by proxy with an expression akin to boredom. " _And what you would like to share with us?"_ it requested.

_SLAM!_

The crew of the Cannibal jumped in shock as Bartolomeo slammed his hands on both sides of the crate so that he could better loom over the snail, his visage absolutely beastly.

"Come and fucking get me, _pigs,"_ he spat venomously.

There was a moment of silence, followed by the voice speaking up with only a trace of anger amidst the flat calm. " _Well, seeing as you managed to acquire one of the few Transponder Snails in the world with a direct line to we, the Five Elder Stars, I suppose you may very well consider your message as having been_ received."

Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, along with several of their crewmates, promptly fainted, whereas Gin had to scramble to simultaneously catch an insensate Apis before she could hit the deck _and_ whack Miss Goldenweek on the back as she inhaled her ricecracker whole and started choking on it.

Bartolomeo's smile, meanwhile, dropped into an expression of utmost horror that indicated that he was only a few seconds away from voiding his bowels. However, said expression remained in place for only five seconds before his grin returned, more bestial than human now.

"Well, while I still have your attention…" he growled. " _Do your fucking worst."_

The Transponder Snail narrowed its eyes and leaned forward in turn. " _Admiral Akainu and five battleships will be with you shortly to do just that."_

Bartolomeo opened his mouth to say something else—

" _WOAHSHIT!"_

When a wave of pure _presence_ suddenly swept over the deck. The barrier-man only just managed to stay conscious and catch himself on the crate he was leaning over as the wave struck him like a sledgehammer. The rest of his crew, however, wasn't even remotely so lucky. Rather, about half of them collapsed on the spot with foam bubbling from their mouths. Not even the snail from which the wave originated was spared, and the connection was cut as it too sank into blissful unconsciousness.

Bartolomeo took a few minutes to regain his senses, upon which he turned towards the only other person on the ship who was not out cold. "I think we got their attention," he said in an attempt at bravado.

"No fucking shit. So, what are we going to do now, _Captain?"_ Gin whispered harshly; he had no idea what that was, but neither Krieg nor Straw Hat nor anything that he had experienced since he swore his loyalty to Bartolomeo had been remotely close to that level of intimidation. It was the final confirmation to him that he was insane, if he was opposing anyone capable of doing that through a _freaking Transponder Snail call._

"Now?" Bartolomeo asked before adopting an ear-to-ear sharktooth grin. "Now we run."

Gin swallowed heavily before nodding firmly. "I never thought I'd say this about retreating… but that's what I was hoping you'd say." With that, he blew out a sharp whistle and swung his arm in order to garner his conscious crewmates' attention. "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HOP TO IT! DROP THE SAILS AND GET US MOVING, NOW NOW NOW!

It was slow going; many of those onboard were clearly in no hurry to wake up, and only the elapsed time and sailing managed to counterbalance that enough that they had enough people up and working to sail the Cannibal. The fear of what was coming was a mixed motivator; some of the crew were spurred on to avoid it, while others were too overwhelmed to stay conscious.

Eventually, however, the moment that they were waiting for (read: absolutely _dreading)_ arrived: all at once, the wind ceased moving them forward, and the tide ceased swaying beneath them.

"So, _Captain,_ " Miss Goldenweek grit out nervously as she stared over the edge of the Cannibal at the _unnaturally_ placid waters they were floating in. "I'll admit that the Calm Belt is probably the safest place in the world to hide from the small army after our hides; they may be able to somehow slip through with their ships, but that won't keep the Sea Kings from seeing them when they surface to get _us_. But there's one thing that I—and all of _us_ for that matter—want to know." She snapped a fearful look at her Captain. "How do you expect _us_ to survive here long enough for Sengoku to get a leash back on the Mad Dog?"

"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo threw his head back and roared with laughter as he crossed his arms and fingers. "It's simple, brat! Hell, it's so simple, it's pure _brilliance!_ See, Sea Kings are just like dinosaurs, right? And the thing about dinosaurs is that they won't go after anything that's not moving! So, so long as we don't start paddling or rocking the Cannibal too much and keep quiet for a few days until this whole mess blows over, then we'll be in the free and clear! Genius, huh?"

For how tense the atmosphere became, they may as well have been experiencing the air deficiency that came from the White Sea.

"And how exactly do you figure that that will work when literally nobody else has ever done that?" Valentine whispered incredulously.

"Because they're always in such a hurry to get out of the Calm Belt, of course! They never stick around long enough to try it!"

Silence reigned anew for a moment until Apis hesitantly raised a hand. "Captain… w-where exactly did you learn about Sea Kings having dynamic vision?"

"Eh?" Bartolomeo blinked at the whisper-girl in confusion. "It's an old sea legend that's been floatin' around docks of Loguetown for years. Why do you ask?"

There was a moment of utter, horrified silence as the entirety of the crew stared at Bartolomeo with a variety of emotions.

Then… the silence was broken by a _pop!_

In a moment, the crew of the Cannibal was at the ship's railing and staring at the waters of the Calm Belt.

Specifically, they were staring at a spot a few meters away from their ship… where a trail of lone bubbles was slowly drifting to the surface and popping, one after another after another.

"…Captain… permission to speak freely?" Mr. 5 asked in a voice that might have been calm had it not been an octave higher than usual.

Bartolomeo swallowed heavily as a sheen of cold sweat started to shine on his brow. "You know I don't give two shits whether ya do or don't."

"Then in that case…"

Yet another bubble _pop!-_ ed…

And suddenly the ocean _erupted_ with the bubbles of surfacing Sea Kings.

" _YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORON!"_

**-o-**

'Gold with anger' wasn't usually an appropriate description for describing unholy wrath. In fact, some might even consider such a description to be utterly ridiculous.

And if anyone in Marineford had failed to see the logic in that phrase before that day, they had it thoroughly hammered home very, _very_ hard as their highest superior fumed in response to the numerous status reports coming to him. It was hard to tell how much of it was due to the situation and how much of it was due to the fact that it was still, to reiterate, _the middle of the night._

"Admiral Akainu has departed with five battleships by order of the Five Elder Stars to apprehend 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo for attacking a Celestial Dragon vessel," Vice Admiral Mozambia reported grimly. "Admirals Kizaru and Aokiji, however, remain at the ready."

"As ready as they ever are, anyways…" Sengoku grumbled darkly as he shuffled some papers about.

"Unfortunately, that's not the only crisis we have on our hands. The Emperor 'Red-Haired' Shanks has somehow been goaded into a rampage," Vice Admiral Stainless added with a grimace. "Most of our men on the other side of the Red Line capable of getting here in a timely manner are… no longer capable."

"And unfortunately, those that _were_ still available are now tied up in an entirely new fiasco," Vice Admiral Tsuru sighed wearily as she leaned on her cane. "Apparently that damn up-and-comer 'pretty boy' Cavendish decided to refresh the world's memory of himself."

"Where does his bounty sit at?" the Fleet Admiral growled.

Tsuru shook her head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that in truth, _he himself_ isn't the issue, but rather the consequences of his actions." She gave her old friend a solemn look. "He raided a tribute ship headed for Totland… right as Big Mom got a craving for _precisely_ what it was carrying. We suspect he might have contracted some form of clairvoyance to help him achieve her current reaction."

Sengoku's shine amped up a few notches. "Said reaction _being?"_

"Full-on rampage, and not only is Cavendish managing to keep ahead of her, but he seems to be headed for _Wano_ of all places. Doflamingo and Jinbe are trying to intercept her, but I think that it would be prudent to also deploy Kuma just in case, as well as some of Vegapunk's prototypes."

"As for the rest of those damn dogs," Garp growled as he rubbed the bandage wrapped around his face. "Mihawk is incommunicado as usual, Hancock is ignoring us as usual, and according to Moria's subordinates, he has Thriller Bark set on chasing that damn razor-toothed brat Drake and another big-shot rookie named Hawkins around the Triangle, which they are _somehow_ managing to navigate. So, unless you're willing to spring Crocodile for round two—!"

" _I'm not."_

"Then yeah, we're shit out of luck where the mutts are concerned." Garp shook his head with a grimace. "And that's not all. Apparently, Hawkins, Drake and Barty aren't the only rookies active. Unless I miss my guess, the Straw Hats' actions have incited something of a pissing match amongst all of this generation's up-and-comers. Who's on first?"

"Yeah, I got one, lemme see…" the perpetually grinning Vice Admiral Yamakaji grunted as he flipped through a report. "Alright, here we are: well, for starters, we have Jeremiah Cross's rival, 'Roar of the Seas' Apoo. He's leading the On-Air Pirates and some other crew to attack Task Force Cerberus for some ungodly reason. Commodore Blakely's fighting the good fight, sure, but last reports say that her ships were capsized, so…" He shrugged helplessly.

"Next up, we have the Firetank Pirates led by Capone 'Gang' Bege," Vice Admiral Strawberry drawled. "I'm afraid that there's no good way to put this, so I'll come right out with it: An hour ago, the Firetank Pirates managed to successfully infiltrate and raid Fort Lumose. They got away with every beri and every ingot held within."

Sengoku's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly leaned forward to dig his fingers into the much-abused edge of the conference table. "Fort Lumose," he grit out. "Is the repository for _all_ of the Navy's funding in Paradise. You mean to say they made a clean getaway _with a quarter of our liquid assets!?"_

Strawberry nodded his head solemnly, causing several of his comrades to hastily duck in order to avoid being brained. "I'm afraid so sir.

"Besides that," Vice Admiral Momonga hummed indifferently as he took the time to polish his Josho Kiryu. "Captain' Kid and his men are attempting to make a bloodbath out of Blackarm Island. Attempting being the operative word here, the instructors are putting up a hell of a fight. Though…" He scowled grimly. "Honestly, that's not _that_ much of a good thing, seeing as how it's just making the conflict draw out even _longer._

"And of course, to cap it all off," Vice Admiral Onigumo snarled around his cigar in disgust. "I'm sure we're all _quite_ aware of what 'Mad Monk' Urouge did on Kyuka Island."

The assembled officers all shuddered as one. What had happened on that island was… it was just _wrong_.

Their revulsion was then swept aside and replaced with existential terror when the room lit up like the new dawn.

" **Is there** _ **any**_ **good news?"** Sengoku bit out viciously, sounding about ten seconds away from trying to punch someone; and going by how the Vice Admirals were edging away from Garp, they all knew who his most likely target was.

"U-Uh…" The Hero shed buckets of sweat as he furiously racked his brains before grinning desperately. "Still no word on the Glutton or the Surgeon! No news is good news, right?"

Sengoku snorted heavily through his nose, his mouth opening for a blistering tirade—

Until the thunking of a cane garnered his attention. "Calm down, Sengoku," Vice Admiral Tsuru prompted in a bored yet stern tone. "Remember, none of us are as young as we used to be."

The Buddha-man clenched and unclenched his fists for a moment before forcing himself to relax, huffing out a weary sigh that was filled with his tension. "Yes," he admitted solemnly. "Yes, no news is very much _good_ news."

"A-Ah, F-Fleet Admiral? W-We have an incoming d-distress call from G-76."

Then Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo poked an arm holding a tray carrying a Transponder Snail into the room, and suddenly all that tension was right back where it started. And it then proceeded to grow as a very cocky and very _un-_ distressed voice came through the connection.

**-o-**

"Hellooo, Fleet Admiral Sengoku," a certain pink-haired pirate purred around the half-dozen pocky sticks she was chowing down on. "Jewelry Bonney here, giving you my _fondest_ of hellos~!"

" _ **Brat,"**_ the incandescently glowering gastropod snarled out viciously. " _ **You may not know this, but my patience has been systematically worn down to nothing over the past two hours, so unless you're calling to tell me that you are doing the right and**_ **smart** _**thing and surrendering yourself to our authority, I suggest that you—"**_

"Honestly, I could care less about what you have to suggest, you old fart," Bonney interrupted with a cackle, spraying crumbs all over the snail in the process. "I just wanted to call you to let you know that my men and I have, eh…" She paused to snicker, spraying more crumbs. " _Invited_ ourselves into good ol' G-76 and are _liberally_ helping ourselves to their larder! Oh, and ah…"

Another snicker, this time accompanied by a wave of her hand. And more crumbs, naturally. "Just so you know, we opened our doors to the island's public, so _they're_ in here, too, eating the base's food! Aaaalong with taking whatever isn't nailed down, and they're bringing in crowbars for whatever actually _is._ Oh!" She snapped her fingers in faux realization, finally swallowing. " _Aaand_ I saw a few guys in cloaks rummaging through these real important filing cabinets, just thought you'd wanna know. Aaaanyways…"

Bonney stretched her arms above her head as she leaned back in her seat. "I just wanted to call you up, let you know that we're having a little shindig here, sooo if you and your shiny brass boys wanna come down here and share a few drinks, we're all ready and—!"

Rather than the typical _KA-LICK!_ associated with hanging up a snail, the connection dropped in what sounded very much like a muffled explosion… which was _then_ followed up by a _KA-LICK!,_ as well as Bonney's practically hysterical cackling.

"Ohohohoh, _maaaan,_ that was awesome!" the Glutton wheezed ecstatically. "I've wanted to tell that golden bastard to fuck off for _ye-e-eaaars,_ hahaha! The _only_ way that could have been better, the _only_ way, would have been if that damn volcanic _mutt_ had been there too, because then my year would be utterly _made!_ Hahahaaaa, I have _got_ to save some of this grub for the Straw Hats, because I owe them the _mother_ of all giftbaskets for giving me the inspiration to pull _this_ off! HAHA _HAAAA!"_

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say, you damn bottomless pit," a youthful yet perpetually tired-looking man who was lounging in a seat next to Bonney drawled, his hands moving in well-practiced motions, though touching nothing. "And just for the record, because I think that rum I picked up from the base commander's office is starting to hit me, remind me why I agreed to this brief alliance, again?"

Bonney's cackling cut off as she sent a sidelong glance at her partner in crime before sinking back into her seat, a bone that she'd already picked clean finding itself crushed between her jaws.

"Because," she drawled. "Both of us needed some way to prove that the Straw Hats aren't the _only_ contenders in the competition for Roger's throne, and _I_ wanted to distract the Marines long enough that the Straw Hats aren't overwhelmed at Enies, and I needed you and your crew's help to pull this 'little' stunt off." Bonney then adopted a cocky smirk as she drained the marrow from the splintered bone. "Besides, Surgeon of Death, are you saying that you _aren't_ having fun?"

Trafalgar Law didn't fight the smirk that came over his face as he rested his hands, contemplating his handiwork with slightly drunk awe. "Absolutely not. It's been a long time since I played Jenga, so why would I turn down a friendly game? You first, by the way."

"Why, thank you very much," Bonney purred as she gave the Surgeon a mock-bow.

She then stood up, and climbed one of the surgically assembled staircases surrounding a tower of precariously stacked and futilely struggling soldiers with mismatched bodies. Upon reaching her desired piece, she reeled her leg back—!

" _Tenderizer!"_

And whipped her foot into the Marine's skull, sending him rocketing out of his place and ricocheting off of the storage room's far wall, following which he flipped through the air and landed _quite_ precariously on top of the pile.

Bonney pumped her fist with a cheer. " _Oh, yeah!_ Beat _that_ , beanpole!"

Law barely moved from where he was lounging as he grinned in reply, waving his sword through the air like a conductor's baton as he _slooowly_ pushed another of the Marines out of the pile and floated him up to the top. Even as he worked, the usually stoic pirate's smirk grew to match Bonney's own grin.

' _I'll have to thank the Straw Hats when we meet in person,'_ he silently reflected. ' _They might be a bunch of juvenile nuthouses even by Pirate standards, but I sure as hell can't deny that I haven't had this much fun in_ years.'

**-o-**

"Incredible, isn't it Funkfreed?" Spandam crooned to his elephant-sword, his finger hovering dangerously close to the trigger mechanism that would herald the demise of Enies Lobby. "One press of a button, and a whole island disappears."

The director of CP9 snickered as he held the Golden Transponder Snail in the palm of his hand, watching the reactions of the prisoners chained to the wall of the room. Honestly, it was hard to tell what was giving him a bigger rush as he toyed with the snail: the sheer power floating just inches below his fingertips, or the expression of deliciously _agonizing_ terror Nico Robin wore whenever he brought the snail out to begin with, much less whenever he threatened to actually activate it.

Sadly for him, Spandam's fun came to an end when one of CP9's newest Devil Fruit users entered the room with controlled haste. Spandam looked up, surprised but not startled, as a grim-faced Kaku stalked over to him, an ordinary—if awake and glowering—Transponder Snail on a tray in his hands. "Chief. Sorry to barge in like this, but to get to the point, your snail is off the hook again and we've received an urgent call from Marineford. The Straw Hats have crossed into an unprecedented level of insanity."

Spandam responded with an expression of pure incredulity. "Eh? Yeah, I already knew about that. I got a report about Straw Hat attacking earlier. He only managed to take down five guards, what of—?"

" _ **FIVE!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU PATHETIC RAT!?"**_

"GYAH!" Spandam leapt out of his seat in terror when the Transponder Snail Kaku was carrying suddenly roared and flashed gold. The assassin's grip on the tray was firm, but sweat was glistening on his hands, clearly betraying his tense nerves.

Well, that and the way that his superior was desperately flailing to catch the impassive and _truly_ Golden Snail he'd flung into the air in his terror.

Thankfully enough, Spandam managed to grab the Golden Snail _without_ touching the doomsday button on top of its shell. After sighing in relief and stowing the snail safely in his jacket, the director promptly snapped into a shaky salute. "F-F-Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" he yelped in an equally panicked and respectful tone. "W-W-What are you calling us f-for?! I-I already s-sent you my report over an hour ago! While we unfortunately lost the blueprints for the Pluton—" He took a second to shoot a murderous glare at Cutty Flam, who responded by snapping his teeth and growling. "W-We still managed to capture Nico Robin, so the mission went off without a hitch!"

" _ **WITHOUT A—!?"**_ Sengoku started to bellow before cutting himself with a sidelong glance. He then sighed out a puff of infuriated breath as he lost his golden sheen, though _much_ of his prior fury remained. " _Without a hitch!? Damn it, Spandam, do you have a brick between your ears?! Haven't you gotten any reports from the main island?! Haven't you been listening to the SBS_ like I'm sure the whole world is doing right at this instant!?"

"Ah…" Spandam hedged uneasily as he glanced at the drowsy half-awake snail on his desk.

"Er, F-Fleet Admiral, sir?" Kaku hedged uncomfortably as he mentally kicked himself for speaking up. "Chief Spandam put the Tower of Justice on lockdown shortly after we returned with Nico Robin, as a security precaution. The drawbridge is raised and there are no communications in or out as a result, so if there are any ongoing situations on the island, all actions are being run through Judge Baskerville."

There was a moment of silence before Sengoku sighed angrily. " _I suppose I can't fault you for that,"_ he grumbled to himself.

Spandam and Kaku promptly sighed in relief, though the assassin was swift to free one of his hands and move it through the air in a precise series of motions: {I want a raise.}

Spandam rolled his eye with a scowl as he signed back. {The monkey prunes on the roof at midnight.}

Kaku's eyebrows shot up to the brim of his hat in a mix of shock and incredulity.

Spandam then frowned as he glanced down at his hands in confusion. "Wait a minute…" he muttered.

" _You don't have even a_ second, _Director Spandam!"_ Sengoku barked. " _And that still doesn't account for the_ _SBS!"_

"EEP!" Spandam flinched back in terror before shooting a look at his desk. "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about, Fleet Admiral! Everyone in the Tower of Justice has a Transponder Snail, and nobody has reported so much as a ring of the SBS!"

" _But that's—!"_ Sengoku started to yell before cutting off into a snarl. " _Damn it… Of all the times for that loud-mouthed son of a bitch to figure out how to use the damn thing's interdiction field… Jeremiah Cross has been preventing the SBS from being broadcast to any snails near him, he's been on the air for the past two hours!"_

Spandam froze, his mouth slightly open and snot starting to slide out of his nose as the implications hit him like a sledgehammer upside the head. However, even as Cutty Flam started to cackle and Nico Robin groaned in exasperated despair, the director of CP9 was swift to rally in an attempt to salvage what little (if any) dignity he still had remaining.

"P-P-Please, Fleet Admiral," he pleaded desperately. "E-Even if it is the Straw Hats, t-they're still just o- _one_ pirate crew! T-The last message I received about Straw Hat said that h-he'd only managed to take out five of our men! H-How much damage could they have _possibly_ have caused in a _m-measly_ two hours!?"

Kaku paled in horror as the snail he was holding started to shine and a number of veins started bulging in a _very_ unhealthy manner. "A-Ah, Fleet Admiral? Before you proceed to rip my superior a new one… executive permission to speak freely?"

" _ **Make it fast."**_

"Thank you, sir." And with that, Kaku gave his commander a flat look. "You _had_ to say it, you absolute _fucking_ idiot."

Spandam sputtered indignantly—

" _ **YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE OF A HUMAN BEING!"**_

—up until Sengoku started bellowing loudly enough to cause the windowpanes to vibrate. Kaku wisely set the snail down and backed away to what he judged to be a safe distance.

" _ **HOW MUCH DAMAGE COULD THEY HAVE CAUSED IN TWO HOURS?!**_ **TO** _ **START,**_ **JEREMIAH CROSS SUBVERTED OIMO AND KASHI AND HAD THEM BREAK DOWN THE GATEHOUSE! THE STRAW HATS** _ **AND THE SMALL ARMY OF ALLIES THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM, SIXTY IN ALL,**_ **THEN PROCEEDED TO RUN ROUGHSHOD OVER THE REGULAR SOLDIERS! AS FOR THE ELITES, THAT THRICE-DAMNED SNAIL LEASHED THE WATCHDOGS, BASKERVILLE'S BEEN CUT DOWN, AND THE JURYMEN AREN'T EVEN SLOWING THEM DOWN!"**

Spandam's mind managed to peg onto at least one aspect of the rant. "W-Wait, Basker—!? Y-You mean—!?"

" **THEY'RE IN THE DAMNED COURTHOUSE!"** Sengoku barked. " **AND IF** _ **ALL OF THAT**_ **ISN'T ENOUGH,** _ **THE ENTIRE SHITSHOW HAS BEEN BROADCAST ON THE DAMNED SBS!**_ **NOT ONLY ARE WE LOOKING EVERY BIT LIKE THE INCOMPETENT FOOLS THAT CROSS DESCRIBES US AS, HE'S INSPIRED ALL TEN OF THE OTHER BIG-SHOT ROOKIES IN PARADISE TO FOLLOW THE STRAW HATS' LEAD!"**

Spandam looked like nothing so much as a goldfish that had been ripped out of the water and left on the pier.

" **IN SUMMARY, THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST** _ **HUMILIATING MOMENT**_ **IN THE HISTORY OF THE NAVY AND WORLD GOVERNMENT PUT TOGETHER SINCE** _ **ROGER'S DAMNED EXECUTION,**_ **YOU INCOMPETENT** _ **MORON!"**_ Sengoku huffed and snarled viciously for a moment before puffing out an irritated breath. " **Ohhh, but don't just take** _ **my**_ **word for it. If you don't believe me, try looking out your** _ **damn window.**_ **I'm** _ **certain**_ **that you'll be able to see the SMOKE FROM THE ISLAND BURNING BENEATH YOUR FEET FROM THERE!"**

Shocked into motion by the sudden spike in volume, the chief of CP9 scrambled to the window of his office, where he pressed his face to the glass… and just _stared_. Stared at the rampant fires blazing across the island, stared at the utter _swath_ of destruction carved through the center of Enies Lobby, and most important of all, he stared at the roof of the courthouse so far below.

"Tha-That's Jabra…" Spandam breathed numbly. "A-And… Blueno…"

" **Let me be clear, Spandam,"** Sengoku growled behind the leather-faced man, his voice having undergone an unsettling shift from berserk to _far_ too calm. " **This is already nothing short of a** _ **disaster.**_ **So, rather than a warning or orders, I'm presenting you with an** _ **ultimatum**_ **: If the SBS is still running and confirming that the Straw Hats are currently in Enies Lobby at the first light of dawn, I will be setting sail for the Judicial Island myself along with** _ **every Marine that I can muster.**_ **Let me be clear, Director Spandam: If the situation is not under control by the time I arrive, there will be** _ **consequences."**_

The room suddenly pulsed with a wave of presence, and it took every last one of Spandam's mental faculties to keep from voiding his bowels.

" _ **Don't disappoint me further."**_

The connection dropped, and Spandam collapsed to his knees as he desperately clutched the sill of his window. His mental gears slowly began grinding again, processing the nightmarish amount of information he had just heard. OK, so the Straw Hats were advancing at an alarming rate. But surely they wouldn't be able to get past CP9. He called to mind that his entire goal was to end this so-called 'Great Pirate Era.'

In the end, no amount of bad publicity would be able to cause a permanent mark on him, so long as he was the one responsible for bringing the last key to the Ancient Weapons left in existence under the control of the World Government. All he needed to do was order CP9 to subdue the Straw Hats, and escort Nico Robin safely to the Gates of Justice. Yes… Yes, once the demon was on her way to Marineford, his future was secure.

Lulled into a semblance of calm with his reasoning, Spandam clawed his way back to his feet, turned back towards his subordinate, and opened his mouth to give his orders.

" _Ooooh, Spandam, Spandam, Spandam."_

Said orders _died_ when Kaku and Spandam both froze as the _un-hooked_ Transponder Snail on Spandam's desk suddenly adopted a _sickeningly_ familiar leer and started speaking in an even _more_ familiar voice.

" _Shit,"_ Kaku summarized weakly.

"Cross—!" Robin gasped out.

" _With all due respect, Robin?"_ Cross interrupted, directing a flat stare her way. " _Cram it. You've had your say, this is ours. And as for_ you!" The snail turned its attention back to Spandam. " _I'm just curious… why are you acting so surprised, Spandam? I mean, shouldn't you have seen this coming?"_ Cross bared his teeth in a vicious parody of a smile. " _After all… you stole a_ demon _from a pack of devils. Did you honestly think that we wouldn't BRING HELL ITSELF TO STORM THE VERY GATES OF HEAVEN TO GET HER BACK!?"_

"Y-You—!" Spandam bit out indignantly.

" _Allow me to demonstrate!"_ Cross continued before adopting a scowl. " _ATTENTION ALL MORTAR TEAMS!"_ he barked, not in his voice, but rather in _Spandam's._

The genuine article blinked in confusion. "W-What the—!?"

" _AIM ALL CANNONS AT THE PREDETERMINED TARGET IMMEDIATELY!"_ 'Spandam' ordered. " _ON MY MARK…_ FIRE!"

The blood drained from Spandam's face as he connected the dots. "You didn't…" he whispered numbly as he slowly turned on his heel to stare out the window in horror.

His pallor _quintupled_ when he caught sight of well over a dozen mortar shells rocketing straight at him.

" _You wanna know the_ best _part of this little scheme?"_ Cross stated, as if he was discussing what he'd had for lunch. " _I didn't even_ need _your voice to set it up. I just had to make myself sound like the most worthless, arrogant, self-entitled piece of primordial_ ooze _on the face of the planet, and your men just ate. It._ Up. _How crazy is that, eh?"_

Spandam didn't have remotely _close_ to enough presence of mind to react to the insult. In fact, despite the incoming flight of death, he found himself unable to do more than stare in horror, his mental gears utterly locked up.

"Oh, for Pete's sake—!"

Up until Kaku grabbed the back of his collar, tossed him farther back into his office—

" _TEMPEST KICK!"_

And lashed his leg out at the window, sending a wave of razor-sharp wind barrelling out of the office's window and slamming into the shells in mid-air.

_**KA-BOOM!** _

Which, naturally, caused them to explode, and the resulting shockwave blew out the office's wall.

Kaku guarded his face for a second with a wince as shrapnel bounced off of him before shooting a scowl at the grinning snail on Spandam's desk. "You _do_ realize that your comrades were in here too, correct!?"

" _And you do realize that I knew that there was no chance in hell of Spandam_ not _having a Cipher Pol Operative guarding him at all times, right?_ " Cross shot back tauntingly. " _Anyway, we're almost to the top of the courthouse and Luffy should be done neutering the_ mutt _any second now. See you soon…"_

Cross's smile widened demonically.

"Long-neck."

The connection shut off just as the blood drained from Kaku's face. "H-How the _hell—!? I_ haven't even known for more than an _hour!"_

"Known what?" Kalifa asked as she and the rest of Cipher Pol No. 9 Shaved into the decimated room.

Kaku shot a panicked look at his fellow agent, at which point his terror suddenly intensified. "H-He, Cross… h-he just called me 'Long-neck!' A-And you—! B-Bubbly—!"

Kalifa instantly paled as well, the implications hitting her like a sledgehammer. "B-But that's—! But he—! _H_ - _How!?"_

"I don't know," Lucci interrupted his fellow agents, his voice as firm as steel and his expression ten times harder. "And I don't _care._ Either way, it won't matter once he and all of his crewmates are _dead,_ and unless you two shape up right now, you will be _joining them._ Is that _clear?"_

Kaku and Kalifa stared at him in naked terror for an instant before straightening their stances and nodding firmly. "Yes, Lucci," they said.

"Good. Now…" Lucci turned a predatory glare at the gaping hole in the wall. "Where are they?"

"Ahem."

Lucci blinked, and spared a glance at the pigeon on his shoulder, who was cocking his head in contemplation. "Check, check check, check. Well, now," Hattori nodded definitively. "It would appear that they have approached close enough for us to be within range of the snail. Unless I miss my guess, perhaps he is performing this feat subconsciously?"

"Ah, r-right, right!" Kaku slapped his hand to his forehead. "Sorry, forgot in all the excitement, they're in the courthouse, it's how Cross knew when to order the mortar teams to fire on us for maximum effect. Apparently they've managed to fight their way past the _entire_ island."

Lucci shot Kaku a warning glare before marching over to the room's impromptu balcony and glancing downwards. He _then_ froze the blood of his comrades in their veins when he bared his teeth in a snarl.

"What," he bit out furiously. "The blue hell does Jabra think he's _doing?"_

"Well, he's a Carnivorous Zoan as well, just without as much discipline as you. I would assume he let his bloodlust for fighting Straw Hat get the better of him," Hattori mused.

"…I think I could get used to you being able to talk," Lucci stated neutrally as the rest of CP9 joined him in observing the fight below.

"Well," Kalifa stated frigidly as she adjusted her glasses. "There's only one way to describe _this_ particular stunt."

"Sexual harassment, chapapa?" Fukuro deadpanned.

" _Suicidal stupidity."_

"R-Right, right! He-He's fighting Jabra, that's nothing to worry about," Spandam sputtered with growing confidence, apparently not hearing Kalifa as he turned his head. "Unchain the prisoners and bring them over here. I want them to observe the exact moment when Straw Hat's life is _ended_."

The agents of CP9 exchanged uneasy glances, but a subtle jerk of Lucci's head prompted Kumadori to march back into the office and drag Franky and Robin back with him by their chains.

"You _do_ realize that you are in _way_ over your head, right, Spanda?" Franky sneered at the chief of CP9. Said smile was then wiped off when Kumadori backhanded him with his fist, prompting him to snap his jaws at the pink-haired man.

"Silence, you disrespectful cur," Spandam ordered in a tone that, from anyone else, would have been more than halfway menacing. "Let this serve as a reminder to you of the true might of the World Government. No matter how strong you think Straw Hat may be, Enies Lobby has stood as a stronghold for centuries, and I'll be damned if a rubber-brained rookie annihilates that reputation in a single night."

Franky snarled at Kumadori for a second longer before smirking menacingly. "Well, you're right about that, at least."

A spike of fear drove into Spandam's mind for a moment as he pictured what would happen if, by some miracle, Straw Hat actually won. The next instant, however, he banished the thought from his mind as he looked over the edge and called down to the wolf Zoan.

"FINISH HIM, JABRA! SHOW THAT WORTHLESS PIRATE THE TRUE MIGHT OF CIPHER POL 9!"

**-o-**

Jabra's ear flicked slightly as he felt a sudden spike in his ever-present urge to rip Spandam's head from his shoulders.

Under normal circumstances, the Zoan-user's enhanced senses would have most likely picked up Spandam's words of 'encouragement' with ease.

Normal circumstances, however, did not entail Jabra's skull ringing like a church bell on Sunday morning on account of repeated blows to the head that a thoroughly infuriated ballistic rubber-man continued to inflict. His Iron Body Kenpo had offered him some relief, but Straw Hat's bottomless well of willpower had rendered that obsolete two minutes in. And to make matters even worse, the so-called 'Gear Second' technique that he was employing had not only amplified his speed to the point where he was Shaving like he'd been doing it all his life, but it had also amplified his strength tenfold, to the point where he was all but straight up _ignoring_ the agent's Iron Body.

' _Damn… Damn it all… I wanted a_ fight _with Straw Hat Luffy, not a freaking_ massacre _like this,'_ he thought, panting and sweating like a dog as he kept his head on a swivel, trying and failing to keep an accurate bead on the sonic pirate.

But indeed, a massacre was what the conflict boiled down to. For every bit that Jabra was fast, Luffy was faster. For every bit that he was tough, the pirate was tougher. And for every bit that he was strong, well…

A flash of movement to the side granted Jabra enough forewarning to spin on his heels and cross his arms defensively as he tensed every muscle of his body.

"JET RIFLE!"

"GAGH!"

Jabra coughed up a mouthful of blood as the grinding blow blasted him off his feet and slammed him into one of the few parapets that had not yet been demolished.

…no comment.

The wolf-Zoan peeled himself out of his dent in the stone with a pained groan, stumbling forward slightly in a desperate effort to regain his balance. "No…" he spat viciously. "I refuse… _I refuse…"_

Without warning, the wolf surged forward, charging at Luffy on all fours as he howled at the top of his lungs. "I REFUSE TO LOSE TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU!" He slashed both of his claws down at Luffy's exact position. "WOLF HUNT HIGH SPEED SCRATCH!"

Luffy glared bloody murder at the wolf as the attack came down on him… up until the last moment, when he suddenly disappeared and the claws passed through the space he'd occupied moments before without resistance.

Jabra stumbled as he tried to regain his balance and glanced around in concussion-enhanced confusion. "W-Wha… where—?"

"GUM GUM—!"

Jabra's head snapped up just in time to catch sight of Luffy spinning on an axis in midair.

" _JET HOMERUN!"_

_CRACK!_

And then his vision was filled with nothing but pipe, followed up in short order by stone.

Jabra groaned into the stonework of the much-abused roof as he tried to kickstart his mind back into at least a semblance of working condition. When he finally got his mind back in something resembling order, he slowly worked his claws beneath his torso and pushed himself into a kneeling position, allowing him to cough up yet another mouthful of blood, along with more than a few fragments of broken teeth.

" _Damn it…"_ Jabra wheezed painfully as he forced his head up. "You little… _fucki—!"_ The wolf-man's words died in his muzzle as he managed to catch sight of Luffy.

It was the eyes that did it. Oh, sure, his concussion was influencing him a bit, but from that day forward Jabra would forevermore swear up and down that it was the _eyes_ that did the trick. It was Straw Hat Luffy's eyes that hit him the hardest. It was his stance, his gaze, however real or imagined. It was how every inch of Jabra knew, in that instant, just _knew,_ that there wasn't one person standing where Luffy was standing, but two.

One was Straw Hat Luffy, sure, but the other… the strength it emanated despite its unassuming form, the impassive expression, the eyes… the eyes that had stared at him every time, the _only_ times he had ever been defeated. Eyes that made him feel tiny, no matter how loud he howled or how large he grew. _Eyes filled with nothing but cold, bloody darkness where the soul was supposed to be…_

"Don't look at me like that…" Jabra breathed, softly at first before baring his fangs as his rage started to cloud his mind. "Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like I'm worthless, don't look at me like I'm nothing, don't look at me like _you can beat me!_ _Don't look at me like that!"_ Jabra clawed his way to his paws, foam dribbling from his hackles as he snarled at the pirate. " _DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT ME LIKE_ HIM!"

Luffy responded with a flat look before glancing to the side. "My crewmates are going to be here soon," he stated firmly. "And if they get here while you're still standing, then you'll hurt them." He pinned the wolf-man with a glare. "So, I'm going to finish you off _now."_

That statement was the final straw. That statement snapped what few vestiges of sanity Jabra had left in his mind. In an instant, his pupils shrank down to pinpricks, he threw his head back and he roared—not howled, _roared_ —his defiance to the heavens.

Luffy knelt down in preparation, every fiber of his being taut and ready to move at the drop of a hat.

With what few vestiges of mind he had left, Jabra dug deep into his subconscious, the deepest, darkest pits of his mind, and called forth a technique that was years in the making. A technique that he'd painstakingly developed alone and in secret, all for the express purpose of defeating _one_ person.

But if it meant that he wouldn't lose in this instance, then he was _more_ than willing to use it right here, right now.

" _ **FANG HOWLING OVER FANG!"**_ Jabra roared out as he shot towards his opponent like a cannonball, spinning into a virtual tornado of fangs and claws that was _guaranteed_ to shred anything and everything that it touched for even a moment.

He struck the parapet like a hurricane, grinding the stone into a fine powder and methodically eradicating it into _less_ than absolutely nothing.

But for all the damage he managed to cause, he _still_ didn't hit Luffy.

The technique soon spun itself out into nothing, leaving Jabra panting on his hands and knees as he fought to stay conscious in the face of his rapidly dwindling reserves of adrenaline. "But… I… that's… _how…?"_ he wheezed breathlessly, snapping his head around in a vain effort to catch sight of Luffy, wherever he was…

Before ultimately freezing on the pipe.

The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been carrying when he'd arrived.

The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been using to beat him senseless with throughout their fight.

The pipe that was now planted in the very edge of the rooftop, with two hands firmly gripping it and arms stretching off to…

Jabra pushed himself onto his shaky legs and staggered over to the pipe, following the arms back to their source.

His gut dropped into the abyss below the island as he tried and failed to follow the arms down main street, where they disappeared beyond his field of vision… although that particular limit might have been yet another side effect of getting his skull dented by a sonic pipe.

"You've got to be _kidding me…"_ the wolf whimpered.

The universe then proceeded to prove to him that what he was experiencing was all too real.

" _GUUUUUM-GUUUUUM…!"_

Another effect of his concussion was that Jabra's mind skipped a beat for a second.

As such, while he did manage to cross his arms defensively once again…

" _JEEET BALLISTAAAAA!"_

"IRON— _GRK!"_

He was just a second too slow to properly reinforce his person when a pair of rocket-fast sandals slammed into his solar plexus. For the longest two seconds of his life, Jabra felt as though he were being split in half, his body bending around the point of impact.

And then time resumed; physics, cruel mistress that she is, took hold; and all of Luffy's kinetic energy slammed into him at once. Thus, while Luffy came to a dead halt, Jabra was launched backwards and at an angle at only a little under Luffy's own prior speed.

Given his arc and velocity, the Wolf-Man would have most likely left a rather impressive dent in the center of the Gates of Justice… were it not for an obstacle standing directly in his flight path.

**-o-**

For the second time that day, Spandam found himself face-to-face with certain death flying directly towards him, and too paralyzed with shock and horror to move enough to save his own life. Rolling his eyes, Lucci yanked the man out of the ballistic wolf-missile's flight path, saving him by a matter of inches.

_SLAM!_

Nothing, however, could save Jabra from impacting with the far wall of Spandam's office.

The CP9 agents winced and guarded their faces with their arms in response to the impact, and then proceeded to gape in horror as they lowered them.

Jabra was impressed into the far wall, cracks spreading out from beneath his spread-eagled body.

However, as awe-inspiring as the display was, what truly garnered the agents' attention was the _exact_ state of Jabra's body. His very _human_ body.

Franky broke the silence with a roaring cackle. "Haha, wow, you were _right,_ Spanda! That _was_ impressive! Seriously, I didn't know it was even _possible_ to literally kick the _bitch_ out of a Zoan like that! You learn something new every day! HAHA— _hurk!"_

He was promptly cut off by Kalifa absentmindedly elbowing him in the side. Any further punishment was held off as Jabra slowly peeled off the wall before falling onto his feet. He was swaying like a drunk sailor at two in the morning, and his still-open eyes were staring at nothing, but he was on his feet.

The wolf-man slowly staggered forward, only just barely managing to keep his feet beneath himself. Thankfully for him, his journey was made short by the aim of his voyage stepping up before him.

Jabra slowly looked up and blearily looked Lucci in the eye. He held his gaze for a moment before slowly raising his finger and jabbing it in his chest.

"Don't… you dare…" he rasped. "Look… at me… like…" And with that, his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground, a pained moan the only sign that he was even alive.

Lucci stared at Jabra's insensate form with total stoic impassivity, as though his ally were nothing more than an insect.

The rest of the agents were nowhere near as subdued.

"Fukuro…" Kaku whispered numbly. "Jabra's power ranking… you're certain—?"

The rotund man swallowed heavily. "Actually… I used week-old power rankings for him, me and Kumadori. W-We're all a little bit _stronger_ than what I said earlier…"

Kalifa slowly raised a trembling hand to try and hold her glasses steady. "Just what the _hell_ did we get ourselves into?" she asked no one in particular.

" _Oi."_

Cipher Pol No. 9 as a whole stiffened as an increasingly familiar voice filled the room.

" _Just for the record,"_ Cross drawled in an uncharacteristically grim tone. " _If the mood were a little lighter, I'd probably make a Warriors reference. As it is, though? It would just be in bad taste. Present yourselves, CP9. It's time we finish what you started."_

Hattori cocked an eyebrow at his owner. "Cocky little bastard, isn't he?"

Lucci tsked as he spun on his heel and marched to the balcony. "They've earned it."

The leopard man stalked past his dumbstruck comrades, but only made it a few feet before pausing. He then cast a scowl over his shoulder.

" _ **Move."**_

The rest of Cipher Pol 9 promptly Shaved to his side, while Spandam unwillingly inched his way over to stare at the enemies below.

And indeed, far below CP9, upon the rooftop of the courthouse of the World Government's Judicial Island, every last parapet on the side of the building facing the Tower of Justice that remained intact now had a pair of pirates standing on it, staring up at them with grim-faced determination. By the SBS, their own observations and reports from every Marine who had previously encountered the crew, every one of them was as recognizable to those who stared down at them as if they had already met them in person.

Boss, the monstrous Kung Fu Dugong, flipper resting on the rope-dart coiled at his side and smoke chuffing like a sea train from his scowling maw, and Nefertari Vivi, twin scythes linked by chains in her hands and riding an armored Supersonic Duck, who still managed to look menacing despite his slightly comical form.

A yeti-like man that could only be Tony Tony Chopper in his full-human form, the pink hat and blue nose doing nothing to diminish the effect of his glower, and Sanji, sharp-dressed and blond-haired, his eyes lowered for the moment as he lit a cigarette.

Usopp, their long-nosed sniper, holding a slingshot that more resembled a polearm and staring at his crew's adversaries with only the slightest trace of fear in his eyes and the slightest shake in his knees, and the monstrous Monkey D. Luffy, whose form would be much less intimidating if they hadn't just seen him treat the third-strongest of their number like a punching bag, with he himself looking none the worse for wear.

Roronoa Zoro, green hair, three katanas at his waist and a scowl of determination on his face, and Nami, orange hair and with an odd-looking blue staff in one hand, clouds spouting from it and surrounding her like an aura, and what looked to be a folded scooter on her back.

Conis, the gunner, whose outfit made her look less like an angel and more like… well, like _them_ , with more guns visible on her person than someone her size had any right to carry, and the cloud fox Su perched on her shoulder. And at the leftmost part of the rooftop from their perspective stood Jeremiah Cross, the bazooka-dog Lassoo snarling at his feet and the snail Soundbite on his shoulder. Of all the pirates on the roof, they were the only ones who were smiling in any way or form, but there was no humor in those looks.

The hostages, the chief, and the five assassins all looked down at them, Robin's eyes beginning to overflow with tears. For what felt like an eternity, they only stared, the emotions between them palpable. Then…

"Yoyoi…" Kumadori mused contemplatively. "Do you think if I asked, Cross would give me an autograph?"

There was a moment of silence as the assassins contemplated the statement.

"Chapa… Kumadori… mind leaning down a bit?"

"Eh? But of course. Why?"

"So that I can do this: Solid Beast."

_POW!_

" _YOYOWIE!"_

**-o-**

Six months.

It was kind of… hell, I don't even know _what_ it was. Awe-inspiring? Funny? Humbling? Any of them or none? Doesn't matter.

Six months ago, I was a normal guy. Six months ago, I was your average everyday college student, just another face in the crowd whose only real claim to fame was being a mildly successful fanfiction writer on a few sites and forums.

Six months ago… I was _nobody._

And then in an instant and in six months alike, all of that changed.

Over the course of the past six months, I'd sailed up the side of a _mountain_. Over the past six months, I'd ridden a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I'd charged headfirst into a warzone, I'd defied the world, I'd sailed into the sky, I'd spit in the face of _God himself…_

And now.

And now, I thought to myself as I glanced down into the roaring abyss below, now I was at the edge of _Enies Lobby._

Now I was standing side-by-side with my friends in one of the most iconic moments in the history of anime and manga.

Now… I was ready to face the world head-on, to _die_ facing the world, all for the sake of a friend.

"We've come a long way, huh, little buddy?" I whispered as I stared up at the Tower of Justice.

" _Don't go getting all sappy on me yet,"_ Soundbite chuckled. "AFTER ALL, _**we've still got so far to go."**_

"Damn straight…" I nodded in agreement.

"ROOOBIIIN!"

We both promptly snapped our jaws shut when Luffy shouted up at our wayward crewmate, relying on his own volume and entirely unaided by Soundbite.

"IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE FOR US!" our captain continued. "THEN SAY IT TO US HERE AND NOW!"

Even from this distance, it was a simple task to catch sight of Robin hesitating where she stood, to see just how tightly she was biting her lip in a desperate attempt to stay silent. It was _easy_ to see just how furiously she was fighting against herself. It was hard to know which part of her would win the fight.

"CP9!"

But the world would never know, on account of Spandam cutting in at that moment in what was _clearly_ a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.

"A-As director of this unit, you have my full permission to take those pirates down, eliminate them utterly, but do it from here! From the Tower of Justice! A-After all, it's not like they have any way to get over here," he continued, reassuring himself as much as he was gloating.

It must have worked, seeing as he grinned maniacally and stepped onto the balustrade a moment later. "WAHAHAHAHAHA! Stupid pirates! No matter how strong you are, you'll _never_ be able to win! CP9 still stands strong to stop you! The Gates of Justice are beyond any human's power to move! And most of all…" He reached into his coat, and produced _that thing,_ causing my hair to stand on end _._ "I have the authority to use this Golden Transponder Snail to unleash a Buster Call!"

" _ **A**_ _**Golden Transponder Snail?!"**_ Soundbite yelped, shrinking back in terror.

"Soundbite?" I glanced at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"

The baby snail shivered as he half-hid in his shell. " _I SERIOUSLY_ **hope you weren't BANKING ON ME** _ **BLOCKING THAT THING,**_ **CROSS!** GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAILS… _they're practically boogeymen,_ _**creatures of selective breeding**_ **whose connections with their silver counterparts are renowned for** **being SACROSANCT!** _THEIR BROADCAST IS UTTERLY_ _ **INVIOLABLE!"**_

"That's right," Spandam gloated menacingly. "Once I push this button, _nothing_ you or anyone does will be able to stop the results! Just like it was 20 years ago, I will unleash the power that wiped out your homeland, _Nico Robin!"_ He spun around to laugh in Robin's face. "Just like before, _when Ohara was utterly wiped from the maps of the world!"_

"One snail caused that much destruction?" Conis breathed in horror.

"I'd make a quip about package sizes, but this doesn't seem like the right time…" Su mused.

"That shitty leatherface, tormenting Robin-chwan like that," Sanji growled.

"You damn…" Robin bit out painfully, fighting even harder against herself.

"WAHAHA! Oh, _look_ at that reaction!" Spandam cackled malevolently. I could _feel_ my blood freeze as the bastard's finger hovered above the button of the snail. "Maybe I should do it now? _Maybe I should call the full force of the World Government?"_

"You—! Do you even know what will _happen_ if you press that button?!" Robin demanded desperately.

"Of course I do," Spandam purred. "The chances of all of these pirates making it out of here alive will drop to zero! What… did you have something else in mind?"

"IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE! STOP IT!" she screamed furiously.

"Oh?" Spandam asked with a leer. "You giving me orders? You're being rather cocky, aren't you."

Boss all but bit through his cigar as he glared up at the enemy. "Cross… when you talked about putting the hurt on this bastard? You were _lowballing."_

"What can I say?" I ground out. "Reality tends to exceed expectations."

"You said that Ohara disappeared from the map…" Robin stated desperately, sounding on the edge of tears. "But can you see _humans_ on a map? No… No, the only way you could be so cruel is if you look at the world like that, like it was a _statistic!_ You can't use it… not that…" She trailed off in a pleading whisper as she collapsed to her knees, the ghosts of her past obviously weighing her down.

One glance at Soundbite was all I needed to get my message across. "Robin," I muttered.

I heard her pained gasp, and slowly but surely she climbed to her feet and looked down at me. I winced miserably at seeing her so… so _broken,_ but nevertheless, I hovered my hand over my bag, and I could tell from the way she jerked that she'd processed the implication.

"If you're so sure that you're going to die anyway…" I breathed desperately. "Then at _least_ die like a Straw Hat. At least go down kicking and screaming the whole way, and give them nothing short of _hell_."

Robin's hesitation slowly faded even as she warred with herself, until finally she looked at Spandam with a heartwrenching combination of despair and determination. "Let me tell you… of the Buster Call. Let me tell you what the World Government is capable of…"

And so, at long last, she told the story of Ohara.

Spandam made no attempt to stop her, apparently _relishing_ in her agony as she recited the tale. CP9, meanwhile, stood by impassively. Though if I wasn't hallucinating, some of them seemed visibly uncomfortable with what they were hearing. As for Franky, he was clearly on the verge of bawling his eyes out, but the sheer horror of what he heard was keeping that decidedly moment-killing reaction at bay. That, or Soundbite had had the good sense to mute him.

And it was clear that CP9 either hadn't found out about my little trick with the SBS, or they simply chose not to remind Spandam of it. But I knew, and so did Robin, and so did the rest of the crew, that the entire world was now learning the truth that the World Government had tried so hard to cover up. It was only the look on her face that kept me from grinning maliciously; I could only imagine how everyone outside of Enies Lobby was reacting…

**-o-**

"Mayor Iceburg, the ship is ready—Ah…" The Galley-La employee stopped moments after entering his foreman's office, dumbstruck by the scene he was met with. Understandable, since it wasn't every day that you walked in on the strongest man in all of Water 7 leaning against his desk as he watched a small fire burn in his wastebasket, of all places. "Uh… sir? What's going on?"

Iceburg glanced at his employee with a vague amount of interest. "You're… ah… damn, I always forget your name."

"Everyone always does, sir, I'm practically invisible. But I'm fine with everyone always calling me 'that One Colts Guy.' Ya know, because of…" He gestured at the blue horseshoe emblazoned on his baseball cap.

"Ah, right, right…" Iceburg sighed as he looked back at the fire. "…Do you know why I allowed Galley-La and Water 7 as a whole to accept contracts from the World Government?"

"Ah…" The Colts Guy hesitated in confusion. "I… can't say that I do, sir."

Iceburg hung his head with a sigh. "Because back when I was still an apprentice, I experienced what could and would happen if Water 7 was an enemy of the World Government when I witnessed Tom's fate. I established myself as a reasonable authority figure, and aimed to endear our company and island to the World Government, to ensure that we were never hurt again."

His eyes and grip tightened grimly. "But in recent days, I've been forced to reconsider that course of action. If the World Government had no qualms about unleashing something like _that_ on this island for the sake of their own agenda… If we're no safer as their allies… then I'm making a decision that I should have made upon the first SBS broadcast."

The Colts Guy took a second to process what he was hearing before sucking in a breath as he snapped his eyes to the wastebasket. More specifically, to the papers burning within. "Sir…" he started uneasily. "Are those documents… what I _think_ they are?"

Iceburg smirked slightly in response before pushing off from his desk and walking past the shipwright. "I'm heading out. While I'm gone, spread the word to the rest of the companies on the island that as of this moment, all contracts between Galley-La and the World Government have been rendered null and void, and that henceforth we will refuse service to all those affiliated with them, without exceptions. Do I make myself clear?"

The shipwright stared numbly at his boss for a second before grinning ecstatically and snapping out a salute. " _Sir, yes, sir."_

"That's what I like to hear."

**-o-**

From the moment that Cross had announced who their mystery crewmate was, the royal throne room's inhabitants had had every aspect of their attention locked onto the SBS. King Cobra, Igaram, Chaka, Pell, Kohza, and the Supersonic Duck Squadron were all at a loss to why Luffy and his crew would have allowed Crocodile's right hand woman on the same crew as Vivi and Carue. It was only the events in the royal tomb that made Cobra restrain his comrades from calling into the SBS and demanding to know what they were thinking.

They now had the answer to that question. All of those in the room knew Cross' secret, and so they knew that he had already known all of what Nico Robin was saying at the time she joined them. Cobra eventually broke the silence with a quiet statement.

"I believe that we have no reason to hold a grudge against Nico Robin, nor to protest her stay with the Straw Hat Pirates." The king cast a firm look around the room. "Do any of you disagree?"

Everyone to a man—and duck—shook their heads solemnly.

**-o-**

Half of the ships that half of MI5 were half-dead trying to clean were halfway done, while the other half were halfway back into the water. Half of the soldiers had stopped their work as the half-trembling voice of one of their half-allies—oh, forget it. The entirety of MI5 was spellbound by the macabre tale being spun.

Smoker and Hina were steadily burning down their cancer sticks in grim silence, while lingering doubts in any of the minds of their gathered men withered away to nothing.

For the longest time, none of the Marines dared even moved.

Then, a blue-haired swordswoman leapt down from the scaffolding she'd been standing on and started stalking towards the coastline, steadily stripping off her uniform as she went.

"And just where do you think you're going, Officer Tashigi?" Smoker asked as he noticed.

"I'm going to swim out, find the biggest Sea King I can possibly locate, and kill it dead, sir," she replied in a tone that was all but dead, save for the frigid fury it sported.

Smoker and Hina glanced at one another in surprise before Hina slowly shifted her sunglasses onto her forehead. "And… why are you looking to do that, Lieutenant?" she asked hesitantly.

"Because I'm pissed at what I'm hearing, ma'am," Tashigi responded without pause. However, she then stopped dead a few feet later. "I'm sorry ma'am, that was a lie. That's _not_ why I'm pissed."

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until Smoker cleared his throat. "Care to elaborate, Lieutenant?"

Tashigi's hand slowly started to strangle Shigure's hilt. "…If I'd heard what I'm hearing now four months ago, I would have been horrified. I would have vomited, or not believed it or… or _something_. I… I would have _felt_ something. But now… after all I've learned, after all I've seen… hearing this… I'm not disgusted anymore. I don't have it _in me_ to be disgusted anymore. I can't vomit in disgust, I can't reel in horror…"

Tashigi jerked her head to the side so that she could throw a scathing glare over her shoulder. "I am apoplectic because _I can't feel anything else._ The World Government has successfully jaded me. Not even pirates or criminals, but the _World Government,_ who I swore to protect and serve with my _life,_ and that…" Tashigi snapped her gaze forward again, but it was easy to see the spots of moisture starting to appear on the sand at her feet. "That enrages me to the point where I need to physically _hurt_ something, or else I think that I am going to literally _lose my mind."_

Smoker was silent for a moment before nodding his head. "Do what you feel you need to, Lieutenant."

Tashigi bared her Shigure's blade in response. " _Thank you,_ sir." And with that, she strode into the surf and was soon out of sight.

Hina blinked after her in dumbstruck awe for a moment before coughing heavily. She then glanced to the side, where Smoker was _literally_ fuming as he burned his cigars down to ashes. "And just why are _you_ so furious?" she asked, before pausing and jerking her head at the Transponder Snail between them. "Besides the obvious reason, I mean."

Smoker snarled viciously as he all but chewed clean through his cigars. "She just disobeyed my orders," he ground out.

"Ah… Hina is confused. Do you mean the boat cleaning, because Hina thinks that that can be—!"

"The day she became my subordinate," Smoker interrupted with a low growl. "She did something I'd never seen anyone do before. I'd had countless Marines join my division before her, but when she joined, she was the first to stand there, wearing her uniform and carrying everything she owned in the world on her back… and greet me with a smile." The Commodore took his cigars out of his mouth and huffed out more smoke than humanly possible. "When I saw that smile… I gave her an order. One I'd hoped she would follow unto her dying days."

Hina eyed her comrade warily. "And… that order was?"

Smoker growled furiously as he ground his cigars down in the sand.

"To never let herself become like me."

**-o-**

The thought that she had gotten more exercise in the last three months than she had for any considerable amount of time in the decade prior to then was whispering in the corner of the old woman's mind as she purposefully strode through the halls of Marineford.

However, the vast majority of her mind was focused on pure, incensed fury, aimed at one very specific person. And as she finally broke out of her Shaving, she found herself back in the devastated remains of the Fleet Admiral's office, nobody present aside from the Fleet Admiral himself. Even Gruffy had relocated for his own good; the only other living being present was the snoozing Transponder Snail. Sengoku had ceased listening to the SBS after his call to Spandam for the sake of his blood pressure, which was reaching dangerously high levels. Of course, the same could not be said for anyone else in Marineford, which brings us to the following interrogation:

"What. Is. The meaning. Of _this?"_ Vice Admiral Tsuru demanded coldly.

"Rest assured, I'll be on the warships once they're ready to depart," Sengoku said dismissively, not looking up from the paperwork he was filling out. "I'm just taking the time to request that the materials for rebuilding the tower are stronger. Honestly, if today is any indication—"

_CRACK_!

The Fleet Admiral reeled back in shock when his desk was suddenly split by a cane ramming into its top.

"I couldn't be made to give a damn about your blasted paperwork at _gunpoint_ , Sengoku," Tsuru spat acridly. "No… what I am asking— _demanding—_ is that you tell me _why."_

"What are you—!?" Sengoku started in confusion.

"The SBS, Sengoku. You should have kept listening; Nico Robin is currently in the middle of blowing the whistle on what happened 20 years ago for the entire _world_ to hear. And though I'm seriously wondering why that subhuman degenerate Spandam hasn't been fired yet, there's one much more glaring question that I expect you to answer: why the _hell_ has that rabid _mutt_ you call an 'Admiral' managed to get away with exterminating an entire _island's_ worth of civilians, as well as several dozen _innocent_ Marines, with absolutely no blowback _for the last twenty years!?"_ Tsuru roared. "And _don't!"_ She snapped a finger up when Sengoku started to open his mouth. "You _dare_ give me that tripe about 'archaeologists' on board, because we _both_ know that that is nothing short of a load of utter _bilge."_

Sengoku tensed furiously as he processed her words. "What did you just say?"

Tsuru scowled viciously as she withdrew a binder from her coat and waved it at him. "Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I must say, the entire report on Operation Tabula Rasa is _quite_ the read."

"YOU RAIDED MY PERSONAL QUARTERS!?" Sengoku roared as he shot to his feet.

"I HAD TO KNOW THE TRUTH!" Tsuru bellowed back. "The _whole_ truth, the _honest_ truth, not that redaction-laden mockery you had the gall to call a _report!_ Oh, sure, for years I've accepted Buster Call reports being redacted to the point of illegibility as a matter of fact, but now I am fully aware that that was a gross _mistake!"_ She punctuated the point by slamming the binder on the desk. "What the _hell_ were you thinking, Sengoku!? I've always known that Akainu has been a liability on the best of days, several of our best are, but _genocide?!_ Before today I'd never have thought there to be a grain of truth to Cross' words, but now—!"

" **ENOUGH!"**

Tsuru choked fearfully, shrinking back as she was simultaneously assaulted by a wave of pure presence and _blinded_ by a blast of golden light.

" **I NEVER EXPECTED SUCH INSOLENCE FROM** _ **YOU**_ **, OF ALL PEOPLE. BUT AS IT'S COME TO THIS, ALLOW ME TO MAKE OUR POSITIONS CLEAR,"** Sengoku steamed murderously. " **OVER THE YEARS, I HAVE HAD TO MAKE** _ **COUNTLESS**_ **DECISIONS OF QUESTIONABLE MORALITY BECAUSE AS YOU HAVE SO** _ **CLEARLY**_ **FAILED TO NOTICE, I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY** _ **LEADING THE WAR AGAINST THIS ERA OF PIRACY.**_ **NOBODY ASIDE FROM COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF KONG HAS** _ **ANY**_ **IDEA OF THE BURDEN OF THIS POSITION. NOT YOU, NOT THE REST OF THE NAVY, AND** _ **CERTAINLY**_ **NOT THAT LOWLIFE, RECKLESS,** _ **LOUD-MOUTHED PIRATE!"**_ Sengoku stabbed his finger at the snoozing Snail on his desk.

The Fleet Admiral then leaned forward and loomed menacingly over his subordinate. " **I MIGHT DESPISE HIM AND HIS METHODS, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT WE** _ **NEED**_ **SOLDIERS LIKE SAKAZUKI TO MAINTAIN ANY HOPE OF KEEPING THE WORLD IN BALANCE AND KEEPING THE MARINES STRONGER THAN THE EVER-INCREASING POPULATION OF PIRATES. JUSTICE CANNOT ALWAYS BE AS SIMPLE AS WE WISH IT WOULD BE; IF ONE HUNDRED MUST DIE IN ORDER TO SAVE ONE THOUSAND, THEN I WILL KILL THOSE HUNDRED MYSELF,** _ **AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME WITHOUT HESITATION!**_ **AS YOUR** _ **SUPERIOR OFFICER**_ **, I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE COMPLIANCE AND ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT I DEEM BEST, AND YOU** _ **WILL**_ **REFRAIN FROM SHARING YOUR OPINION UNLESS I** _ **EXPRESSLY REQUEST IT!**_ _**DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR,**_ **VICE ADMIRAL** _**TSURU?"**_

Tsuru cowered slightly beneath her superior's wrath for another moment. Then, slowly and with defiance beginning to emanate from her entire form, she straightened, and Aokiji himself could not have had a more frigid expression or tone than she did as she replied. "Crystal, _Fleet Admiral_ Sengoku."

With that, the Fleet Admiral reverted to his normal state, an expression more of frustration than anything else on his face as he resumed his paperwork. "Is there anything further?" he snapped dismissively.

Tsuru twitched visibly for a moment before snapping her head to the side with a snort. "Oh, simply that I'm far from the only Marine on base that's agitated from recent revelations."

Sengoku interrupted his writing by smashing his fist into his desk with a snarl. "I _could not_ be made to care about that at the moment, Vice Admiral," he bit out with a glare.

Not one second later, the tower was shaken by a tremor.

Sengoku twitched viciously… again. "I swear that I am going to _rip Garp's—!"_

"Oh, that wasn't Garp," Tsuru corrected as she casually inspected her fingernails. "Unless I miss my guess? Those were the other dissenters."

_That_ drew a look of honest surprise from the Enlightened Human. "Wha—?"

" _ **HONORLESS BASTARD!"**_

"GWAH!"

_**CRASH!** _

Sengoku spun around in his seat and stared out of where the wall to his office had been in confusion as a titanic roar of outrage shook the whole of Marineford. This confusion was only _compounded_ when he caught sight of Vice Admiral John Giant being tackled onto one of the readied warships in Marineford's bay by _Vice Admiral Ronse_ of all people, followed by the helmeted giant proceeding to beat the ever-living _shit_ out of his fellow titan. And as if that weren't bad enough, the two were then followed by _fifteen other Giant Marines_ following them, all brawling either with themselves or with a number of Vice Admirals who were trying to subdue them and all throwing the lovingly assembled warships into nothing short of utter disarray.

"What the _hell_ is going on!?" Sengoku demanded in shock.

"In case you were unaware," Tsuru drawled as she continued to inspect her nails. "Ex-Vice Admiral Jaguar _D._ Saul was particularly popular with his fellow giants, and those that were once pirates were _already_ agitated from learning what we told their old allies Oimo and Kashi. They _might_ have managed to hold their tongues… had John Giant not decided to share his opinion on how Saul _earned_ his fate due to being a traitor. _That_ got him placed on a rather short list."

She gave Sengoku a chilling look. "Put simply, they've formed a lynch mob. They want John Giant dead for his disrespect, they want Aokiji dead for freezing Saul, they want Akainu dead for bombarding him, they want _you_ dead for for being in charge… basically, they want blood."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" Sengoku moaned as dragged a hand down his face.

"Hardly. And for the record, this—" She jerked her head at the brawl in the bay. "Is only the _tip_ of the iceberg. All of the giants stationed on Marineford are either in the throes of mutiny or trying to suppress it, though the latter are, quite frankly, in the vast minority. Honestly, it's hard to say what has them more infuriated, that we killed Saul or that we've been hunting his _ward_ , Nico Robin, for the past twenty _years._ In case you've forgotten, even those giants who _weren't_ born and raised on Elbaf are rather _big_ on honor _._ " Her tone could not have been drier if Crocodile was holding her vocal cords.

Sengoku was twitching enough that he may as well have been having a seizure. Tsuru waited for a moment more before speaking again, albeit grudgingly. "Your orders, _sir?"_

The Fleet Admiral glanced at her for a moment before turning a murderous glare on the brawl below. "Inform Admiral Aokiji that he will not be joining us at Enies. Rather, he will be occupied with suppressing this _mutiny_ , _effective immediately."_

Tsuru cocked an eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "So, basically, your solution to solving a problem that began with a frozen giant… is with _more_ frozen giants. Yes, because that will go over _splendidly."_

Sengoku shot an unreadable look at his subordinate. "You have your orders, _Vice Admiral."_

Tsuru scowled as she snapped him a supremely stiff salute. "At once, _Fleet Admiral."_

And with that, Tsuru spun on her heel and marched out of the office, slamming what little of the door was left behind her.

Unnoticed by either of the Marines, one of the last surviving pictures on the office's wall was jarred loose by the impact and smashed to the ground.

The picture held within depicted a trio of young Marines—actually, not even proper Marines, but _graduates—_ celebrating and smiling joyously as they toasted their mugs with one another.

A crack ran through the glass of the frame, cleanly separating the female of the trio from the afro-touting friend whose shoulders she'd slung her arm around.

**-o-**

"…Do you understand now?" Robin pleaded desperately as she finished. "If you use a Buster Call, everything on this island will be destroyed…" She stared down at us tearfully. "Including all of you."

Her words were addressed as much to Spandam and CP9 as they were to us. Going by the despair in her voice, it was clear that she was pleading for us to run. She was begging for us to leave her to the wolves and save ourselves so that we wouldn't die in vain trying to save it. So that she wouldn't have to see us die.

I ground my teeth furiously in an effort to keep silent, an entirely new kind of fire raging within my gut.

We, however, officially _did not give a fuck._

To read about it and even see the cataclysm Robin had depicted was one thing, but to hear it… to hear the suffering and sorrow in the voice of one of my closest friends, of one of the strongest women I knew… to hear her tell of the death of an island, of a way of life…

We officially could not walk away from this fight even if we'd wanted to with every fiber of our bodies, hearts and souls.

And I sure as hell wasn't the only one feeling this way either.

" _ **That son of a bitch…"**_ Soundbite breathed numbly.

"There is no hell deep enough or vile enough in existence…" Lassoo growled through raised hackles.

"An entire… _island…"_ Conis whispered to herself, her expression positively thunderous. "In an _instant…"_

"I was sorely mistaken," Boss grimaced ferociously as he ashed his cigar. "She doesn't owe me a damn thing. She hasn't owed _anyone anything_ for a long time."

Vivi's face was emotionless as she stared up at the Tower, but the blood dripping from where she was gripping the chains of her weapons said all that needed to be said. "So… this is the legacy my ancestors created…" she whispered to herself before scowling in disgust. "This is the legacy of the _world…"_

"That's nonsense!" Spandam proclaimed. "There's no way that the Marines would kill their own men, we wouldn't take casualties from our allies!"

"Uh…" Su cocked her head to the side uneasily. "Wasn't he about to—?"

" _His father,"_ I growled venomously. "Was the one who called down that damn attack in the first place. Suffice to say that his perspective is _somewhat_ compromised."

Su shivered heavily as she realized that, for the second time in her life, she was in the presence of a madman with the ability and desire to kill us all at the drop of a hat. "Noted."

Meanwhile, Robin continued on, obviously not caring about or even hearing what Spandam was saying. "Do you understand my fear now?" she pleaded desperately. "Do you understand why I'm still trying to save you? The World Government is an absolute force of authority and destruction. No matter how strong you all may be, you can't fight against the world and all of its darkness. If it goes on like this, someday…" She shook her head miserably. "Someday… Someday they will overwhelm you! Someday, they'll crush you, and you'll all die for my sake! And the idea of that happening, of the ones I've been searching for all of my life wasting their lives for my sake, nothing terrifies me more! So if I am destined to die anyway, then at least let me die here of my own volition, so that you all may _live!"_

Robin's words hit us like an iron rod, briefly managing to quell our rage.

"Robin…" Nami softly breathed.

Vivi shook her head with a grimace. "Damn it, she's making it _so_ hard to stay mad at her…"

"She's been cawwying this fow _how wong?"_ Carue whispered.

"Too long, my friend…" Boss grimly answered. "Too long by _half."_

Of course, just as soon as our rage was dampened down…

"WAHAHAHAHA! YES, YES THAT MAKES _PERFECT_ SENSE!"

It was just as suddenly restoked to unparalleled levels.

"I'm going to eat him," Lassoo stated in an unnaturally steady voice. "I have never once in my existence eaten human flesh, but thankfully I'm _certain_ that he doesn't even remotely count."

" _ **GET IN LINE,"**_ Soundbite rumbled with honest-to-goodness murder in his voice.

"What a sorry case," Spandam gloated in Robin's face, even though she didn't so much as acknowledge him. "Even if you make friends, all you can do is drag them through the muck with you. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S SO PERFECT!"

"Permission to shoot him?" Usopp and Conis snarled in unison as they grabbed their weapons.

"Give him a second…" I warned them as I raised my hand placatingly, only barely managing to suppress the murder in my own voice.

"But—!" Conis began to protest before Luffy silenced any objections.

"Do what Cross says, you guys," our captain stated in probably the calmest voice I'd ever heard from him. It was actually kind of scary.

"BEHOLD, YOU SCUM OF THE SEAS!" Spandam cackled as he jabbed his finger upwards, drawing our attention to an object whose form was _very_ well known in both this world and mine, though for _extremely_ different reasons. "THAT FLAG BEARS THE EMBLEM OF THE WORLD GOVERNMENT! IT SIGNIFIES THE UNITED STRENGTH OF OVER 170 NATIONS ACROSS THE WORLD! ACROSS THE FOUR SEAS AND THE GRAND LINE, THAT SYMBOL REPRESENTS THE WORLD ITSELF!"

Spandam flung his arm out. "DO YOU REALIZE NOW THE SCALE YOU'RE FIGHTING ON! DO YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC YOUR EXISTENCE IS!? _THE POWER OF THIS WOMAN'S ENEMY!?"_

Silence reigned supreme as every last one of us observed the flag, as we took in its form and everything that it implied.

Until finally…

"Yeah," Luffy nodded solemnly. "I understand exactly who Robin's enemy is."

Luffy then lowered his head and glanced to his left… and then to his _right._

"Everyone."

I felt an unparalleled _thrill_ run through me as I snapped an ecstatic grin to Luffy. "Yes, Captain?" I whispered reverently. Was he going to do it? Did he actually _mean_ what I think he meant!?

Luffy looked back up at the flag without a trace of emotion.

"Shoot down that flag."

_HALLELUJAH._

"FUCK THE HELL YES!" I cackled ecstatically as I grabbed Lassoo and took a knee, aiming him straight at the symbol of _our_ enemy. "CANI-BLAST!"

"YES, SIR!" Lassoo barked with a salute before going full-gun and clicking loudly.

" _This is gonna_ _ **be**_ **E~PI~C!"** Soundbite sang rapturously.

"Burn Bazooka," Conis announced frigidly, swinging her own cannon off her back and aiming it upwards.

"Give 'em hell, girlfriend!" Su yelped as she glared up at the tower from Conis' shoulders.

"I've stood on the sidelines until now. Never again!" Nami snarled as she spun her Clima-Tact at her side, coalescing her clouds into a writhing, lightning-drowned tail. "Lightning Bolt Tempo!"

"Three Sword Style," Zoro intoned around Wado Ichimonji as he tied his bandanna around his head before drawing his secondary and tertiary blades and drawing them back into position. "108 Caliber Phoenix!"

"Behold the awesome power of the giant slingshot Kabuto!" Usopp bellowed confidently as he drew said slingshot's pouch back. "Special Attack: Firebird Star!"

"My first use of this technique, and it couldn't be a more momentous occasion," Sanji snarled as he hefted his leg up and drew it back. "You'll pay a thousand years of hell for every hair you hurt on dear Robin-chwan's head! The first course in your punishment, a rehash of your Tempest Kick! _APÉRITIF!"_

" **A moment such as this,"** Chopper rumbled as he withdrew a single vial of _very_ mobile and highly volatile-looking liquid from his backpack. " **Deserves something** _ **special**_ **for it! TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY LATEST CREATION! CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST** _ **BLIZZARD!"**_

"Uh…?" Vivi glanced at her Cutters hesitantly for a moment before shooting a hopeful look at Carue. "Any ideas?"

"Ah… 'Go team'?" Carue answered, half-heartedly pumping a wing.

"Damn. Well, at least _you_ know how I feel, right, Boss?"

"Half-Shell Style," Boss intoned as he slammed his rope-dart into the roof and withdrew it with a goodly chunk of stone attached to the end, which he then began spinning into a blur. "Flying Fish Fastball Special!"

"OH, COME ON!"

Spandam blinked incoherently for a moment before his jaw dropped and every drop of blood escaped his face. "Wait… what are you—! No… nonono _nononoNO, DON'T EVEN—!"_

Too late.

There was no signal, no words, nothing. None were needed. As one we moved.

" **ROCK BOTTOM BLAZE OF GLORY!"**

And as one, we unloaded our attacks on the symbol of Robin's enemy. The symbol of _our_ enemy.

On that day, we the Straw Hat Pirates did _not_ burn the flag of the World Government.

Rather… we _disintegrated it,_ completely and utterly.

**-o-**

Never before had the sum volume in the Revolutionaries' Central Command in Baltigo risen above a few scarce decibels at a time.

Then again… never before had someone _stuck it_ to the World Government in such an utterly _glorious_ manner that had Dragon out and out _cackling._

"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Monkey D. Dragon led his comrades in revolution in cheering. "EXCELLENT, LUFFY! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR WILL! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR DETERMINATION! _PROVE YOUR AUTONOMY! SHISHISHISHI!"_

"THAT'S MY BROTHER, DAMN IT!" Chief of Staff Sabo whooped from atop the table he was perched on as he jabbed his finger at the only active Snail in the room. "THAT'S MY CRAZIER-THAN-HELL BABY BROTHER! GIVE 'EM HELL, LUFFY! _GIVE 'EM HELL!"_

"CHEERS FOR THE MOST EARTHSHAKING CREW SINCE ROGER!" Koala laughed as she toasted a bottle of liquor she'd pulled from somewhere. "TO MONKEY D. LUFFY! TO JEREMIAH CROSS, BASTARD THAT HE IS! TO NICO ROBIN! _TO THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!"_

" _KANPAI!"_ the facility bellowed as one.

**-o-**

In complete and utter contrast, the throne room of Amazon Lily was silent as the grave, the jaws of almost every last person in the room touching the floor.

"Did… Did that just _happen?"_ Marigold whispered in complete and utter disbelief.

"He… but they… how… wha…?" Sandersonia stammered, her brain misfiring furiously.

Through it all, Boa Hancock's newly acquired apprentice looked around in confusion. "Ah… Elder Nyon?" Marguerite leaned down to whisper to the old woman. "I take it that what we just heard was… significant?"

Elder Nyon swallowed heavily before shooting a wide-eyed look at the young woman. "Try…" she croaked. "Utterly… _unprecedented._ Nobody in recorded history has _dared_ commit the act that these pirates just did. Only one thing's for certain now—!"

" _Snrkt!"_

The elder was cut off by a loud snort rippling through the throne room, causing everyone to look around in confusion for the source.

" _Snrkght!"_

At least, until a _second_ snort rang out, confirming the source to be the world-renowned Pirate Empress herself, who was doubled over and shaking in the coils of her _very_ confused partner.

The room's occupants exchanged uneasy glances until Nyon jerked her head at the Empress, prompting the other two Gorgons in the room to speak up.

"Ah… sister?" Marigold started warily.

"Are…" Sandersonia slowly inched forward. "Are you… alright?"

" _SNAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

The room froze once anew, only _this time_ it was on account of Boa Hancock flinging her head back and _shrieking_ with laughter, laughing and laughing harder and louder than any on Amazon Lily had ever heard her laugh before.

Hell, it was the first time half the room's occupants had ever heard her laugh, full stop.

After about a minute of the laughing, Nyon managed to gather the wits she needed to swallow heavily. "Only one thing's for certain now," she repeated in a numb whisper. "Nothing will _ever_ be the same…"

If anything, those words only made Hancock howl _louder._

**-o-**

In twin flashes of underdeveloped-but-still-passable Shave, Master Chief Petty Officer Coby and Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo appeared in the ruins of Fleet Admiral Sengoku's office, standing at attention.

"Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" Coby led Helmeppo in snapping up salutes. "We are here to inform you that the vanguard is ready to move out! They only await… your… presence…" Coby wound down uncomfortably, the steam leaving him as he processed the scene before him.

Specifically, Fleet Admiral Sengoku staring at the Transponder Snail on his desk with rapidly mounting fury.

"Oh, what the _hell_ did those idiots do now!?" Helmeppo whimpered miserably.

"I don't know, but we need to—!" Coby started to order.

He was too late, however, as Sengoku erupted in a blaze of golden fury a second later.

" **I'M GOING TO CRUSH THOSE STRAW HATS LIKE—** _grk!"_

Without warning, the blaze ended as abruptly as it started, leaving Sengoku standing in his normal form with a pained expression on his face, and a hand clamped over his chest.

A second later, he collapsed to the floor without so much as a sound.

The two low-rank rookies gaped at his prone body in shock.

"Did… Did that just happen?" Coby whispered incredulously.

His words snapped sense back into Helmeppo, prompting him to dash out of the office, bellowing at the top of his lungs. "MEDIC!"

**-o-**

"That…" I breathed euphorically as I stood back up and settled Lassoo in his harness so that he could rest. "Was even better… than I could have ever. Possibly. Imagined."

" _ **Daaaamn skippy…"**_ Soundbite breathed in awe.

"You… You… YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Spandam roared incredulously. "YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY CHALLENGE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND EXPECT TO WIN!"

" **YEAH?! BRING IT OOOOOOON!"** Luffy bellowed back, causing Spandam to recoil with a scream of fear. He then went on to glare at Robin herself, looking her dead in the eye. " **ROOOBIIIN! I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD YOU SAY IT YET!"** He clenched his eyes shut as he roared. " **TELL ME THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE!"**

_That_ snapped me back to the present, and I promptly snapped in Soundbite's face before pointing at our shellshocked crewmate. "Come on, Robin, come on!" I whispered desperately into her ears, pumping as much emotion into my voice as I could. "You just saw it, didn't you? You just saw the beast _bleed!_ I know it's huge and I know that it's scary…" I shook my head desperately as I flung my arm out. "But damn it, if it bleeds, then _we can kill it! Together!"_

" **JUST DON'T BE AN IDIOT, DAMN IT!"**

I snapped my eyes to my shoulder in shock. "Soundbite?"

The baby snail was panting heavily as it grit its teeth. " **That is not dead which can eternal lie,"** he recited fervently. " **And with strange aeons even death may die!** _Lovecraft, Robin! YOU KNOW THIS!_ IT TAKES TIME, _longer than any of our lifetimes,_ _ **BUT THE FACT IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL ALWAYS TURN!**_ **NOTHING IS FOREVER!** _ **They are not forever!**_ _You know this to be a fact, more so than anyone!_ **You have to fight, damn it!** _FIGHT!"_

Slowly but surely, Robin's tears fell. She bit her lip as she sobbed, as her emotions raged within her…

And then suddenly, out of the blue, a staticky sound filled the air. I snapped a look at Soundbite, and only the glazed, unfocused look in his eyes and vacant expression made me refrain from glaring at him. Still, I opened my mouth to ask what was going on—

" _The sea's a vast place."_

When my blood suddenly froze in my veins. I didn't even have to strain my ears to hear Robin's gasp, to hear everyone start in shock, and the voice that suddenly filled the air.

" _The sea's a vast place,"_ the voice repeated, rumbling with utterly impossible emotions. " _So I guarantee… someday you'll find friends who won't ever leave you. No matter who you are, ain't no one born into this world to be alone!"_

"Impossible…" I breathed in awe. "Even by the standards of this world… that's…"

" _Your friends are right here waiting for you, Robin. All you gotta do is get back to them! Share your life with them… and never let them go!"_

The very second the last word shook the world, Soundbite slumped forwards, wheezing in exhaustion. " _SO LOUD…_ _ **SO STRONG…**_ _What kind…_ _ **of voice…**_ **was that?"** he groaned.

Robin was frozen in shock, tears flowing freely from her eyes, still locked onto Soundbite. And credit to my captain, he knew an opportunity when it smacked him in the face.

" **ROBIN!"** Luffy roared again. " **SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE!"**

And just like that, at long last, the dam _broke_ and Robin broke down with it into full-on joyful sobbing. It was messy, loud, and ugly…

…and it was also absolutely _beautiful_ in its complete and undeniable sincerity.

" _YES!"_ she screamed back. "I WANT TO LIVE!"

I shot my fists into the air and roared joyously in response, a sentiment that every last one of my crewmates echoed in some way or another.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Robin jerked forwards, her voice hoarse as she screamed at the top of her lungs. "TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!"

"YOU FUCKERS JUST _LOST!"_ I cackled triumphantly as I jabbed my finger at the Cipher Pol, and the World Government as a whole.

As if in response to it all, the massive drawbridge below us suddenly roared to life and started lowering, spanning the last possible barrier between her and us.

"THAT'S MY BOYS!" Boss cackled as he pumped his fists in the air.

"BWAAAAAH!" Franky sobbed messily, his expression _way_ less appealing than Robin's. "YOU CRAZY GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO DAMN MU-U-UCH!"

"Finally!" Nami nodded firmly with an impatient grin.

"Hang tight, Robin," Vivi whispered. "We're coming,"

"We're coming for her _and_ for you, you son of a bitch!" Su called up as she jabbed her paw at Spandam.

Spandam, of course, shrieked and reeled back in response. "DON'T COME OVER HEEERE!"

Unfortunately, the universe chose that exact moment to actually _listen_ to the bastard, as at that moment, twin explosions struck the sides of the drawbridge and caused it to freeze at an elevated angle halfway down.

Boss froze in his pose, twitching incredulously for a moment before proceeding to shake his fists at the Courthouse's towers. "YOU INCOMPETENT BRATS! YOU HAD _ONE_ JOB TO DO, DAMN IT! _ONE!_ YOU BETTER PRAY THE MARINES KILL YOU FIRST, _OR ELSE I'LL DAMN WELL MAKE YOU WISH THEY DID!"_

I winced sympathetically at my crewmates' plight before chuckling grimly as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Well, that route's blown. Guess we're doing this the hard way!"

_That_ got everyone leaning forwards for a chance to stare at me in confusion. " _The hard way!?"_ they chorused incredulously.

My grin was Luffy-worthy as I raised my voice. "Ooooh, yeah."

_**WOOOOOOT!** _

"The hard way."

Soundbite became snow-white as he slowly rotated his eyestalks downward. " **Oh…** _ **hell no."**_ Going by how Lassoo was suddenly scrambling on my back, he'd gotten the idea too.

" _Puru puru puru—GAGAGA!"_ Pinkie cackled in Kokoro's voice as I dug him out of my jacket. " _HOPE YOU KIDS ARE READY FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIVES! THIS IS THE FINAL VOYAGE OF THE ROCKET MAN, ELDEST CHILD OF TOM'S WORKERS, AND I INTEND TO MAKE IT A_ GOOD ONE! NAGAGAGA!"

" _Ooooh, no…"_ the smarter members of our crew all whispered in horrified realization.

"He's not serious…" Su shrank back in naked terror. "Someone tell me that he's not serious!"

"Even by _my_ standards this is totally insane!" Boss shook his head in frantic denial.

"HAHAHAHA!" Franky bellowed as he stamped his feet ecstatically. "HERE THEY COME, SPANDA! THEY'RE COMING, _AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM!"_

Spandam froze mid-panic, and snapped a _look_ filled with a whole cornucopia of emotions at the cyborg.

Franky, of course, noticed said look and leered malevolently in his tormentor's face. "What're you gonna do, huh? Hit me?" He jutted his chin out temptingly. "Please, do it, I'm begging you. Give me another reason to laugh in your ugly panda _face_."

_That_ might have been a bit too far.

You know those stories about adrenaline letting people lift cars?

Well, in this case, it let a Spandam lift a cyborg and fling him into the void.

"He's got the right idea!" I crowed as I pointed at Franky's falling form before sticking my arm out towards Luffy. "Come on, Captain! Let's do it!"

"RIGHT!" Luffy yelled as he snapped his arms out, catching the rest of our _very_ unwilling crewmates in his grasp. His left tangled itself around Boss, who wasn't able to free himself no matter how hard he struggled, while I caught his right and firmly wound it around my own arm.

"Alright…" I grinned as I stared into the void. "In the words of the great Will Turner! 'Over the edge'!"

" **Nononono** _ **NO!"**_ Soundbite shrieked desperately.

"LET'S GO!" Luffy laughed as he jumped into the abyss.

"'OVER AGAIN'!" I roared back as I jumped along with him, helping him drag our crewmates with us.

" _ **AAAAAAAGH!"**_ Soundbite shrieked around the mouthful of my jacket he'd bitten into.

"YOU TWO ARE DEAD IF WE LIVE THROUGH THIS, YOU HEAR ME!?" Su screamed as she clutched Conis' jacket. " _DEAD!"_

" _GET IN WINE!"_ Carue squawked, hanging onto Luffy's arm for dear life.

The fall lasted for an eternity...

_**WOOOOOOOT!** _

And ended in an instant as the Rocket Man met us halfway, whiplashing us into its body and carrying us over the void.

As we flew towards the gates of the Tower of Justice, I could think of only one appropriate response.

" _PFFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_ I laughed at the top of my lungs. "READY OR NOT! HERE! WE! _COME!"_

An instant later, I received a _slight_ damper to my joy in the form of us hitting a yard-thick wall of stone head-on at what felt like a million miles an hour.

Still… in the long-run?

Totally worth it.

**Xomniac AN: …a year. Not exact, no, but… twelve months is twelve months. A full. Damn. Year.**

**One year since CV and I started this story. One year since Cross woke up on his little island in the middle of nowhere. One year since we started a story that should, by all rights, have died in its cradle…**

**And look where we are now. Just… look.**

**There are just… no words.**

**It's been a long road… it's been worth it…**

_**And you better damn well believe that it's nowhere**_ **near** _**finished.**_

**Patient AN: And half a year since I was invited to take part in this masterpiece. It's an honor to be a part of something like this.**

**Hornet AN: Sadly, since these assholes already took all the good news, I have to deliver the bad. Namely, that while we will strive to maintain our once-every-two-weeks update schedule, do not expect a consistent time/day of updates, and don't be surprised if a chapter takes longer. TPO and Xom are back in school, and I'm now working a full-time job. As much as we'd like otherwise, real-life shit takes precedence.**

**Oh, and another reason: five days until the NFL season starts! Woo**


	10. Chapter 10

### Chapter 43: Chapter 40: Blackest Secrets Revealed! A True God Of Noise Is Born!

### Chapter Text

**Xomniac AN: I am writing this AN the morning after the posting of Chapter 39… quite simply because I have no other choice but to. The sheer amount of praise we are receiving for Chapter 39 is… nothing short of awe-inspiring. I can literally feel tears in my eyes as I read what everyone has to say. The sheer amount of love and support you are showing for our story, for us, is… I just don't think there are the words. There… there just straight up** _ **aren't.**_ **So forgive me for using inadequate vocabulary, but… thank you. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more, I really do.**

**Patient AN: And a thank you from me to all of you, both for the joy you've given my co-author and the support you've shown to me by proxy. I don't believe I ever had enough self-confidence to consider myself a good writer before I joined the Cross-Brain. Now I can say it happily; after finding the way out of the depression that consumed my heart thirteen years ago, this is the second best thing that's ever happened to me. Thanks to all of you; every positive review and comment is reinforcement that I'm part of something good.**

**Hornet AN: And we would be remiss if we didn't finish this off by saying thank you to all of you who gave constructive criticism on the story. I'm good, but I can't catch every problem, and I can't think through every implication and consequence, and neither can Patient and Xomniac. That it's been almost always well thought out and accompanied by every sign that you like the story in spite of its flaws only helps. You have made this story better by speaking up. And I'd especially like to make a shoutout to Yog. Your criticism is the most detailed of all, and I'll admit, some of our plot points were cribbed entirely from your posts.**

**Cross-Brain AN: From we three to all of you who are fans of our work, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.**

I don't know if it was a credit to half a year of hellish training or my own blood-boiling adrenaline that I managed to struggle out of the rubble that the Rocketman made out of the Tower of Justice's front. It was made particularly hard to tell considering that immediately before I broke out, I heard my captain let out a triumphant roar.

And as I pushed the scattered, jagged stones off of me… well, you can guess by now how I reacted.

"PFFHAHAHA! WOO!" I cheered as I shot out of the wreckage and pumped my fist jubilantly. "That was nothing short of utterly _kickass!_ And _fun!"_ I half-dashed, half-staggered over to my captain and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Right, Luffy?"

The rubber man turned to look at me, and after a moment of his adrenaline and serious-self clashing with his humorous side, he began laughing too. "Shishishi! Yeah, that was totally awesome! First we were—!"

"Yeah yeah, and then everyone was like—!" I picked up eagerly.

"But then we hit it like—!"

"The wall was just—!"

"Exactly!"

"Eesh…" I vaguely heard Franky muttering behind us. "I think I owe Mozu an apology. I guess that 'folly a ducks' thing or whatever isn't just a name for something dirty after all. Though now I wonder how the hell I'm gonna knock these two out of it…"

"Ohhh, don't worry."

Without warning, my headphones were suddenly yanked off of my neck, prompting me to twist around. "HE—!?" My protest died in my throat when I caught sight of not only Nami holding my headphones, but the rest of our crewmates glowering behind her. I was a bit confused as to why they all had their fingers in their ears - at least, until I noticed Soundbite's equally infuriated expression from where he was perched on our navigator's shoulder.

"I have an idea," Nami bit out acridly. She then directed a malevolent grin at my snail. "Oh, Soundbite?"

" _ **Yes,**_ **my good friend?"** Soundbite sneered back.

I paled in horror and quickly lurched at Nami, scrambling to wrench my earphones back, but she responded by casually holding me at bay with one hand and holding my headgear out of reach with the other.

"I know that you don't normally take orders from me, but I'd like to request a Gastro-Amp… to _eleven."_

" _ **IT WOULD BE MY HONOR."**_

I paled as the air suddenly _vibrated_ with an electric whine. "Don't suppose I could get away with an 'I'm sorry'?" I squeaked pitifully.

The demonic glint in Nami's eyes said it all.

"Uh-oh…" Luffy whimpered as he and I both shrank back fearfully.

And with that, Nami proceeded to suck in a deep, deep breath _and…_

**-o-**

"You think they're alright after that?" Zambai wondered aloud, continuing to bash Marine after Agent with his bazooka, its ammo exhausted and its effectiveness reduced to that of a club.

"Eh," Raphey shrugged casually as she flipped her way over a Juryman's chain and used his head as a springboard with which to spin through the air. "Odds are that they'll get a little hurt one way or another, that's just the life we live, and probably more than a little angry— _angrier,_ they'll get angry- _er_ ," she swiftly corrected when her fellow students shot her a trio of incredulous looks. "But seriously, I don't think it'll be anything significant for them. After all, these asshats stole our comrade." She leered viciously. "Us steamrolling them completely and utterly? _Please._ That's the predetermined outcome, no two ways about it."

"You pirates can't be serious!" a World Government Agent who was hiding behind a nearby pillar sneered. "You really think that they could have survived plowing into the Tower of Justice at a speed like—?"

Suddenly, acting on a combination of reflex and pure animal instinct, Raphey, the other Dugongs, Yokozuna, and the Watchdogs that had made it to the courthouse all slapped their flippers or paws over their ears. The savvier members of the Franky Family and the Galley-La Foremen had the sense to stall their fighting long enough to follow their example, and not a split-second too soon.

" _ **YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC, MORONIC, INCONSIDERATE NUMBSKULLS OF BRAIN-DEAD NIMRODS NEARLY KILLED US ALL, AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING**_ **AUDACITY** _ **TO LAUGH ABOUT IT!? I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU DIE YOU GET TENDERIZED, CHOPPED UP, DRIED OUT, BOILED, EATEN ALIVE AND SHAT OUT BEFORE YOU CAP IT ALL OFF BY ENDING UP FROZEN IN HELL'S BASEMENT AND**_ **SHATTERING** _ **, YOU SEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED ADRENALINE-HUFFING SUICIDAL**_ **BASTARDS!"**

The unholy _roar_ was loud enough that the whole of Enies Lobby was thrown off-balance. Or perhaps that was the island actually shaking. Hard to tell, on account of how many were still shivering in terror.

Mikey waited a second as he remained tensed up before glancing nervously in the direction of the Tower. "Nami's _piiiiiissed…"_ he whimpered.

Raphey swallowed heavily as she tugged at the bandanna covering her mouth. "Leo," she mumbled. "If I ever give you shit about you being our leader again, remind me about the moment you saved us from _that."_

Leo nodded numbly in agreement.

"Alright… with that little assault on our ears out of the way, where were we?" Paulie asked, forcing his eyes open out of the wince he'd adopted when the yelling started.

The sight that met his eyes was nearly every Marine, agent, and Juryman still struggling to recover, and the nearest Marine to him massaging his temples, and looking at him through squinted eyes. "Ergh… any chance that we can take a quick break?" he asked, regretting raising his voice immediately judging by how his rubbing intensified.

"Oh, yeah, now I remember. Sorry, but that's a no."

"Eh—?"

_THWACK!_

The Marine had just enough time to blink in confusion before Paulie slammed his fist into his face.

And just like that, the brawl was back on.

**-o-**

"Wow, that was really loud, Granny!" Chimney said as she removed her hands from her ears.

"NAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled, taking a swig from her bottle. "Ah, brings back memories of some of the boys' more harebrained stunts! The Straw Hats have a good disciplinarian to produce something like that!"

"Mawp… Mawp… Mawp…"

Kokoro glanced down at their pet rabbit, who was sprawled out on the ground, clutching his ears.

"Chimney, be a dear and carry Gonbe for a bit, okay?" the icefish mermaid said, before continuing down the sub-basement corridor they were in. "We're almost there."

The young girl nodded, scooped up her rabbit, and followed after her grandmother. Soon, Kokoro came to a stop in front of a nondescript door, and gave it a hearty shove. It swung open, revealing a room filled with shelf upon shelf of… Alcohol. Bottles upon bottles of wine, sake, whiskey, and gin, all of it high-quality.

"Jackpot," Kokoro whispered rapturously.

**-o-**

"MAWP… MAWP… MAWP…" I mumbled blearily as I clutched at my ears. Were they bleeding? I think they were bleeding, or was that brainmatter?

"My head's shaking…" Luffy slurred miserably as he lay on his back, his eyes spinning into spirals.

" _ **I don't feel so good…"**_ Soundbite groaned, his tongue hanging out uselessly as he panted in agony. "I OUTDID _NAMI'S BEST… BUT I_ THINK _that attack_ **needs to be an ABSOLUTE** _ **LAST RESORT."**_

"As much as that hurt, I like the results," Zoro ground out as he stood over us.

"We're sorry," the rubber man and I moaned in synch.

"Don't let it happen again," Nami said with… _exponentially_ less venom. In fact, she looked positively lighthearted. "But on the other hand, I feel like I should thank you for that; that was a few _months'_ worth of repressed anger."

_SMASH!_

I squeaked in nervousness as an Eisen fist suddenly shot at me, _barely_ missing my crotch and instead striking the floor. "And that's… out of eight years?"

Nami shrugged as she spun her staff and reeled the cloud back in, forcing it into submission with relative ease. "I think that between this thing doing all the anger for me and turning that secretary into a lightning rod, I should be good for a long time."

"Anyway," Su spoke up, padding over to look down at me. "What are we going to do now? Taking down those assassins and torturing that polished mass of primordial ooze is all well and good, but are we going to do that before or after we save Robin?"

"Chapapa," came a somewhat strained voice from nearby. "Allow me to answer that."

Luffy and I promptly shot to our feet and Su zipped back to Conis as we all snapped our attention to an upper corner of the room, where Fukuro was digging a finger in whatever ears he had, his forewarning apparently having done him little good against Nami's blaring wrath. "You know, I'm really happy that my only role in this whole mess is going to be stopping you from rescuing Nico Robin, because that probably means that you hate me a lot less than the chief and the ones who actually kidnapped her, chapapa," he grumbled acridly.

I took a second to suppress my desire to snort at his voice—because holy _shit_ was it hilarious—before readopting my serious expression.

"Soundbite? This is _not_ the time for playing around," Zoro snarled.

"This is my natural voice, chapa," Fukuro deadpanned.

"…We're so sorry," chorused most of the crew, bowing their heads.

"Why do I feel like not all of you are apologizing for being rude…" he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, we're awkward like that," I said, waving the matter aside before stepping forward and addressing the… rotund man? Eh, close enough. "Anyway… Fukuro, correct? The gossip-loving 'Silent Owl'?"

To his credit, the assassin didn't even blink. "Chapapapa. You never fail to amaze and terrify, Cross."

I blinked in surprise at his nonchalance before recalling _exactly_ what he was like in the story. Now that I thought about it, he _was_ a pretty cool customer, wasn't he? He only lost his composure after going a few rounds with Franky, after all! If so, then maybe… "Yep, and proud of it, too. Anyway, again…" I very casually crossed my arms behind my head. "Seeing as you're a damn well-informed guy, I imagine that you already know that our modus operandi is that we never start a fight. Unless, of course, we're going up against someone who started it first. As you noted earlier, you had jack all to do with Robin's kidnapping, and currently you're only here at the behest of your subhuman Director. As such, I'm prepared to cut a deal with you using what authority I have on the crew: if you step aside now, we won't fight you, plain and simple. Given the circumstances, I think it's a pretty reasonable offer; you saw what happened to Jabra, and you're not even half as strong as he is, so why interfere with us at all?"

Several of the crew exchanged looks of unease and contemplation, but before any of them could speak up, Fukuro answered.

"Because you've severely misjudged the situation," he explained flatly. "Do you really think we're here because of what that weakling says, when obviously the logical answer is to run? No…" Fukuro shook his head sadly. "The only reason I'm _not_ flying away from here as fast as I can Moonwalk is that while you might terrify me, and your crew as a whole might scare the hell out of me…"

And just like that a sheen of cold sweat and a terrified grimace came over his face. " _Lucci_ scares me straight-up shitless, and he told us that if any of us contemplate running for even a second, he'll personally rip us in half," he explained. "Given the fact that I've worked with him from the day I joined CP9 and the fact that he's currently the strongest human being I know, I am completely and utterly inclined to believe him."

"…Yeah, alright, that's a fair point," I winced as I scratched the back of my head. "Well, then, no hard feelings for doing what has to be done. At least we can give you a swift defeat, right?"

"Indee—" Fukuro started to nod in agreement before freezing as my words caught up to him. "Wait, wha—?"

"Luffy, if you wouldn't mind—?"

A wave of steam suddenly swept over me. "GEAR SECOND!"

Credit to Fukuro where it was due, he didn't even wait a _second_ to turn into a blur, albeit while abandoning his moniker in his panic. "CHAPAPAPAPAPA—!"

It was no use, however. The instant he moved, Luffy moved as well and appeared before him, fist stretched behind him.

"JET PISTOL!"

_BOOM!_

And just like that, we had a Fukuro-shaped crater in the middle of the floor of the Tower of Law, reminiscent both of Jabra's defeat and Bellamy's.

"ANOTHER ONE _BITES THE_ **DUST!"** Soundbite proclaimed with a cackle.

"Damn straight he does!" I nodded proudly as I snatched Soundbite back from Nami and replaced him on my shoulder.

"Cross, can I _please_ go and kick that stupid pigeon guy's ass now?" Luffy growled as he fell back to the ground, steam dissipating from him as he seamlessly hauled himself back a bit.

"Wait _just_ a minute, Luffy, while I explain the situation," I pleaded, before turning to face the crew as a whole. "Look, if it were as simple as just getting Robin back with us, don't you think she'd already have used her powers to at least try and get away from CP9 by now? The problem here is that she's a captive of the World Government, and there's one World Government protocol concerning Devil Fruit users that's almost immutable."

Vivi slapped a hand to her face with a groan. "Of course… she's wearing sea prism stone handcuffs…"

Every one of the crew that had been trapped in Crocodile's cage immediately growled in frustration. "I'm starting to get _damn_ sick of that mineral always showing up to bite us in the ass," Zoro practically snarled.

"You, me, and every last pirate on the Line without access to it makes three million," I grumbled in agreement. "Anyway… odds are that a government base like this is going to have access to multiple pairs of handcuffs. And given what Fukuro was most likely going to say before we knocked him out, they've probably decided to try stalling us while they take Robin to the Gates of Justice. In order to do that, I'm going to hypothesize that they took every key to the handcuffs that they had in this tower and divided them among the agents here, probably in an attempt to slow us down by forcing us to gather all of the keys before going after Robin. But really, if they want to have the best chance of keeping the key from us, they'd give it to the strongest they could have."

"Which means—!" Luffy jerked forwards eagerly.

"But!" I cut him off with a raised finger. "They'd also need the key in here to keep us stalled here in the tower, and there's no way in hell Spandam is letting Rob Lucci more than a few feet away from him. Logically, this means that they gave the key to the _second-_ strongest fighter CP9 has, who is currently in this building. Now, let's see…" I started knocking my fist against my head. "Fukuro came right to us and admitted to being weak, so there's no need to search him. Jabra and Blueno most likely weren't around long enough to pick up a key, so they're moot, too. Of the three remaining, we have Kaku, Kalifa, and Kumadori."

"SO MANY JOKES **about white hoods** _ **and burning crosses**_ **TO BE MADE…"** Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"And so little time," I shot back without breaking my pose. "Anyway, considering the importance of the acquisition of Pluton's blueprints, I think that the second-strongest was in the team sent to Water 7, so that rules out Kumadori…" I snapped my fingers victoriously. "But if it were Kalifa, then Nami would never have been able to block her attack back on Water 7, so by process of elimination, it's Kaku who holds the key!"

Several of the crew were giving me quizzical looks, as they _knew_ that I already knew where the key was. Rolling my eyes, I pointed to the bag hanging at my side, within which was held the means through which I was _still_ broadcasting everything we were saying and doing to the entire world, and their looks faded into understanding.

"Sound logic, Cross," Franky said, giving a firm nod. "But if there are only three agents here and Luffy's going to be fighting Lucci, what do you expect the rest of us to do?"

I smirked cockily. "What else? Some of us will fight the agents so that we don't get jumped from behind, and some of us will follow Luffy to retrieve Robin. And the rest of us?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "We're going to act like the godforsaken pirates this world's decided to paint us as and tear this tower apart from top to bottom, looking for and subsequently taking _anything_ of value."

I don't know if Soundbite provided the effect or not, but I distinctly heard a _CHA-CHING!_ from Nami's general direction.

"Right! So," I clapped my hands together, and looked at my shoulder. "Before we move to the division of responsibilities, Soundbite, confirm positions of the enemy."

" **Roger roger,"** the snail replied, concentrating briefly. "MMM… _THIRTY STORIES above ground,_ TEN STORIES BELOW. **They didn't spare any expenses**. **Kaku's** _ **on the fifteenth floor… KALIFA'S**_ **on the twenty-sixth…** _AND KUMADORI—_ URGH, _he's SHAVING_ _ **like mad,**_ **but he's somewhere** _in the_ TOP FIVE _basements."_

"And Robin?" Luffy pressed eagerly.

" _ **Yeah yeah, LET ME JUST—**_ **WHAT THE FUCK!?"**

I jumped in shock at the sudden bout of swearing. "What, what is it? What's wrong?"

Soundbite's eyestalks were darting around in infuriated confusion. "I-I DON'T—! _One second I managed to_ **find her, the next SHE WAS GONE!"** He shook his head with a scowl. " _ **Also, she was… underwater AND AT THE EDGE OF MY**_ **RANGE!?** _THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"_

" _Some_ of it does," I growled, grinding the heel of my palm into my forehead as I put the pieces together. "There's no visible path from here to the Gates of Justice, and sailing there is impossible thanks to the whirlpools formed by the Gates interfering with the local currents, so underwater is the only place where the passageway between here and there could be. But the only way they'd be able to get there so fast is if—"

"If the pigeon bastard was carrying them while Shaving," Luffy deduced grimly.

"But why—?" I froze as a terrifying thought hit me. "Luffy… did Jabra happen to say _why_ he decided to break ranks and come after you?"

Luffy's already grim expression became even grimmer than before. "Before he beat up the bull guy, he said something about how he'd been wanting to fight me for awhile. Something about the Back Fight, too. I wasn't really listening, though, I was too pissed."

"Yeah, that about figures…" I groaned, shaking my head. "Lucci may be the most composed out of all of CP9, but he and Jabra have the same kind of power: they're Carnivorous Zoans, meaning that their predatory instincts run on overdrive and their bloodlust is through the roof. Jabra just rushed at you because he had less discipline, but Lucci's keeping his head while working towards the same endgame. Odds are that he raced ahead as fast as he could just so he could get to the ideal battleground for fighting you. And in the process…"

I scowled grimly. "He's already cut our time down to a fraction by escorting Robin straight to the doorsteps of the Gate, so we can't waste any more time. Luffy, head straight for the docks and Soundbite will guide you to the secret passage that'll lead you down to the tunnel. From there, it's a straight shot to Lucci. Meanwhile, Vivi, Conis, Franky—!"

"Ah, actually!" Franky cut in with a raised hand. "I used a pretty damn cola-draining move back on the Puffing Tom, so I need to find this place's kitchen and recharge. And also…" He tapped a finger to his forearm. "I need to find some tools. I've been working on a combat upgrade for a while now, and it's almost done. I want to finish it up before I charge into a big-ass fight."

I frowned thoughtfully at the cyborg. "This upgrade any good?"

Franky gave a cocky smirk as he shot out a thumbs-up. "SUPER good, I guarantee it!"

I mulled it over for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, alright, fine. Best you get going now. Soundbite, make sure he stays away from Kumadori, alright?"

" _ **He's fast, but**_ **he's also got THE VOICE** _ **OF A JUMBOTRON.**_ _Shouldn't be too tough."_

"Thanks a lot. See you guys later!" Franky nodded before running off.

"Now, as I was saying… Vivi, Conis, Carue, Su, you follow Luffy and pass by to Robin. Give him a few minutes' lead to get Lucci properly occupied before continuing after him. And to that, I add the following: _CHOP-CHOP!"_

I jabbed my finger in the general direction of Enies Lobby's rear dock, and Luffy took that for the starting signal that it was and charged off with a war cry. Vivi and Conis hastily boarded Carue, who sped ahead to catch up to him. I observed the dust trail for a moment before looking back at the crew. "Zoro, Nami, Chopper, you know your opponents. Get going, and regroup here when you're done."

"Right," they intoned together, and sped off.

"Usopp, I'll be climbing the Tower alongside you, but you'll be heading to the roof. In the likely event that Spandam gets to that bridge before we do, it'll be up to you to make sure Robin stays safe until reinforcements arrive. Your Kabuto is the only weapon on the island capable of reaching its target from that distance. Take full advantage of that, and _give them hell."_

Usopp's grin was even wider than when Oimo and Kashi had joined our side as he stamped his Kabuto into the ground and struck what I'm _sure_ he thought was a cool pose. "Fear not, for mask or no, I _am_ the King of the Snipers! They'll barely know what hit them!"

"Perfect!" I grinned hesitantly. My reluctance was on account of the flashes of smiling ghosts flitting through my mind, but I dismissed those worries for the future, when we _weren't_ at war with the World. "Anyway, Sanji, Boss, you're with us. This is still a government facility, and there's no telling who else is in this damn place. Kokoro, get Chimney and Gonbe to—"

I fell silent, blinking stupidly as I realized that the trio were nowhere to be seen. For a moment, I wondered where they'd gone and how they'd done that, but…

"You know what?" I said, throwing my hands up in the air. "Forget it, I'm not even going to _try_ dealing with their particular brand of madness, with any luck they'll be where we need them when we need them. For now, everyone else? Just straight-up raise hell. Now…" I slammed my fist into my palm. "Let's do this."

And with that, I and almost everyone else made a beeline for the nearest staircase, noting Nami taking the Waver off of her back and boarding it before she followed. Chopper split off at the start, heading down instead of up, and Nami zoomed ahead of us on her Waver shortly after we got up the first staircase. And Zoro? Who knows where he went after we took our eyes off of him; I trusted he'd find his way to Kaku soon enough, but still…

" _Dot dot dot dot!_ **Wow,** _ **again**_ **AT A TIME LIKE THIS?"** Soundbite remarked, drawing me out of my thoughts as we reached the third staircase. " _ **Should we—?"**_

"Eh, don't see why not. Gimme a sec…" I dug through my bag and tapped the appropriate button.

"OK, _YOU'RE LIVE… AAAND Gastro-Blur_ _ **DONE!"**_ he added, in response to the tapping on the other end.

" _ **Hi, there! It's great that I finally managed to call in! Anyway, I have a question! You keep mentioning 'shaving,' what are you talking about? I mean—!"**_

**-o-**

"WHERE ARE YOU, AISA?! YOU GIVE THAT SNAIL BACK RIGHT NOW!"

The young oracle Aisa winced and hastily clammed up as the voice of her pseudo-big sister echoed through the forest, washing over her hiding place in the burrow of one of the higher trees of Upper Yard.

Ever since the Straw Hats had left, she had _wanted_ to call in to talk with them, primarily to give Cross an earful for ruining her chance to join them, but only now had she gotten an opportunity, far away from anyone who could stop her.

_Namely_ Laki, who'd been particularly adamant about the fact that she would only ever be becoming a pirate over her K.O.'d ass, provided that Aisa was the one to actually do the deed. Which was to say, not even close to soon.

Still, for now she'd managed to snatch a stray Transponder Snail while someone wasn't looking and hide herself away in a spot she _knew_ was often patrolled, and thus the last place Laki would look or send someone to look, which led to her current situation. And, in a desire to not push her luck, she had elected to remain anonymous on the call for now.

"Sorry, issues on my end…" Aisa whispered after she was certain Laki had passed. "Anyway, I was gonna ask: are _all_ of those assassin people Zoans or something?"

Almost instantly, the air was filled with raucous, multi-tonal laughter, and more than a little normal snickering to boot.

" _Pffhaha, man, now_ that _is a hilarious way of thinking about it!"_ Cross chuckled. " _But, ah, no, it's nothing like that. It's part of these special martial arts they specialize in using. The Shave technique is a way of moving so fast that you seem to have disappeared. It's practically teleportation."_

Aisa leaned forward in eager interest. "Really? Wow, that sounds so cool! And you said that it's just one, right? What about the rest?"

" _Ah—!"_ Cross started to say, before cutting himself off and shaking his head. " _Ah, yeah… Sorry, loyal viewer, but I don't think it would be a good idea to hand ready-made weapons to the entire world. Secrets are one thing, but this requires more, shall we say, consideration. After all…"_ Cross then regained his usual smirk. " _If I was able to figure out the basics and get my crew on the way to learning them just by hearing about them, then anyone could!"_

Aisa pouted for a moment, unable to argue with that point, but quickly brightened when the meaning of the words sunk in. "Yeah, that's fair. But then, you guys are actually learning how to use them?!"

" _You're damn right we are! In fact, Sanji's already got one of them, and Usopp is well on his way to figuring out Shave!"_

"Really, Tengu-Nose? That's awesome!" Aisa said, rocking back and forth in her sitting position.

" _Heh, yeah, well, I don't have it quite figured out yet, so—! Eh? Wait a second…"_ Usopp's brow furrowed in confusion. " _The last person to call me that was—! Wait, are you—!?"_

" **LOOK OUT!"** Soundbite suddenly hollered.

" _Eh—_ WAAAGH!"

" _WHAT THE—USOPP!"_

Aisa jumped and her eyes widened in response to the sudden _SMASH!_ that erupted on the other end of the line, as well as the following cacophony. She then began shaking the now-nervous snail. "What's going on, you guys? What's happening, what's wro—"

Her words then died a very painful death as a strong, familiar hand gripped her skull, a matching hand moving forward and severing the connection to the SBS a moment later.

"You should be more concerned about _yourself,_ Aisa," Laki crooned, her tone reminiscent of poisoned honey.

"…meep."

**-o-**

"Usopp, are you alright!?" I called out through the dust. Damn it, he'd been walking right in front of us and had thus been _exactly_ underneath the… _whatever it was_ that had smashed into the floor before us.

"Y-Y-Yeah, I t-t-think so. I-I-I even have some g-g-good news!" Usopp's voice sounded out… behind us?

I turned around and was treated to the sight of Usopp trembling fearfully in Boss's arms, Scooby-Doo style.

"I-I-I finally got the hang of S-S-Shave…" he chattered in terror.

Boss regarded Usopp flatly for a moment before snapping his arms away and letting the sniper drop on his ass.

"That's great, Usopp," the Dugong growled in a tone that was half-annoyed, half-sincere as he uncoiled his rope dart and started to spin it. "But what the _heck_ was that?"

We all stood at ready as the dust cloud settled, before tensing in shock and horror as we caught sight of what, or rather _who_ had come calling.

"…I think I'm flashing back to Krieg's invasion," Sanji whispered as his cigarette slipped out of his slack jaws.

I inched back nervously as I stared up and up and up at the _fucking impossible_ opponent standing before us. "You mean the part where he got up in a berserker rage _after_ Luffy had already won the fight and knocked the living daylights out of him?"

Sanji nodded numbly in agreement. "That's the one."

Jabra chose that moment to throw his head back and howl his fury to the heavens.

For a moment, as I backed away from the thoroughly tenderized wolf-man looking over us, I wondered how the hell someone who'd gone up against a legitimately ticked off Luffy could have possibly still been standing.

Then I noticed that his eyes were blank and bloodshot, he distinctly lacked any semblance of balance, and he was emitting very inhuman and very pained groans from his jowls.

Alright, so Jabra was barely conscious, if at all, but the fact remained that he was _here_ and demonstrating the legitimately _stupid_ amounts of resilience to punishment that Zoans were capable of.

"Sanji…" I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. "If he were actually conscious, I'd say that this would be easy. Right now, however, he's running on rage, adrenaline, and instinct, meaning that he is quite possibly feral and most likely more dangerous than he has ever been in his entire life. Do you think you can take him down in a single shot, before he can start reacting?"

Sanji bit down into a new cigarette and lit it, steadying himself with a deep breath. "I think I can damn well try."

"Good…"

Jabra suddenly fell onto all fours and shot at us like a bullet.

"Because here he comes!" I called back as Usopp and I ran to get the hell out of range.

Sanji promptly spun on his heel, not igniting it but undoubtedly heating it, and shot forward to meet the wolf. They were thirty feet apart… twenty… ten… _fi—_

_SLAM!_ " _Aroough…"_

And Sanji skidded to a halt as a door of pure stone opened out of nowhere, slamming hard into Jabra's chops.

We had barely a second to stare before the _origin_ of the door stepped out of it, and scowled down at the now _actually_ unconscious wolf-man.

"I never expected to see you as such a pathetic weakling," Blueno growled as he slammed the wall shut behind him. "All that effort, all the shame you bring on the World Government, and you don't even have the decency to make it _close?_ " He shook his head solemnly as he turned to face us. "You're a disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9."

I stared in bemusement for a moment as I processed the situation. "Before anyone who's actually against him makes a move, a comrade that he had previously betrayed and condemned to death knocks him back out," I muttered to myself before tilting my head curiously. "Eesh, this isn't just similar, this is a downright cut-and-paste of Krieg."

"No kidding," Sanji shot over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the bull-horned man. "Still, even with that kind of grudge against him, I'm sort of surprised that you did that instead of letting him try to wear us down some."

"Hmph." Blueno cracked his neck coolly. "In retrospect, perhaps I should have. Even so, getting my revenge was my only reason for stopping here. In the end…" He stuck his arm out and pushed an Air Door open. "I am, above all else, a professional."

I felt my blood freeze for an instant as I stared into the off-color dimension that lay on the other side of the impossible portal before managing to get my voice working again. "STOP HIM!"

Sanji didn't need any more warning than that; before Blueno could move so much as an inch, he sprinted forward and— _leapt into the portal?_

"I'm sorry," Sanji sneered right in Blueno's face. "This establishment is _closed for business."_ And with that, he grabbed the door with his own hand and slammed it in the assassin's face.

For a few seconds, nobody moved as we processed the situation.

"…He _does_ realize that I am the only person with access to that dimension, yes?" Blueno finally spoke up as he directed his flat expression at me.

I gave him an equally neutral look as I crossed my arms. "You _do_ realize that you are going to have to fight your way past him to enter that place, _yes?"_

_There_ was the panic. It was only for a moment before he schooled himself, but _damn_ if it didn't feel good.

That good feeling then went away _real_ quick-like when he squared his shoulders and directed a scathing glare at us. "While that is a problem I will have to contemplate how to deal with, and while I'm no match for your captain…" He scowled irritably as he cracked his knuckles. "At least I can _certainly_ deal with you two pests before you cause any more problems for us."

Usopp and I tensed in terror as we realized that we were essentially alone against a _very_ ticked off assassin…

_CLANG!_

And then jumped as a superheated hook slammed into the stonework at Blueno's feet.

"Careful now, bull-boy," Boss growled as he snapped his hook back and started swinging it at his side, the air shimmering both from the heat and the sheer speed of the spin. "I've been looking forward to a good one-on-one brawl for awhile now. The last thing you want to do…" He suddenly grabbed the base of his dart and snapped the cable taut. "Is to threaten _me_ with a good time."

Blueno's eyes narrowed. "As formidable as you are, surely you can't expect a mere animal to stand up to—"

Boss whipped his rope-dart to the side and smashed a sizeable hole in the wall. "I spar with the top three members of our crew on a regular basis," he stated firmly. " _Try me."_

Blueno remained _mostly_ expressionless, but a slight twitch and a sheen of sweat betrayed how nervous he was. Finally, he shook his head with a sigh. "Your crew truly is the most outrageous of this generation, for a being less than human to be capable of fighting against one of us. Nevertheless, while I don't doubt that I can easily defeat you should I so wish…"

' _Denial ain't just a river in Egypt_ ,' I mused, but before I could voice that thought, Blueno vanished without warning, and the slipstream of wind following him caused us all to turn and face where he was standing at the head of the staircase leading down.

"In the end," he continued casually. "The mission takes priority, so I suggest that you all enjoy what few moments you have left alive while _I_ rendezvous with my superior." He then glanced upwards with a long-suffering look. "For however much longer he _remains_ our superior, at any rate…"

And with that, he vanished again, soliciting a growl from Boss as he rewound his weapon. "I _really_ need to get the hang of that technique…" he muttered vehemently. "Still… I'm guessing we have to leave that fight to Sanji?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I confirmed. "Shouldn't be too much of a problem for him, though. After all, Blueno doesn't have any choice but to give him a literal opening if he wants to have any chance of getting control of his hidey-hole back. And giving Sanji an opening, especially when there's a lady's well-being at stake, _and_ said lady is part of our crew?"

" **Rocky** _mountain_ OYSTERS?" Soundbite leered.

"Bingo," I chuckled grimly.

"Ah… a-are you sure, Cross?" Usopp muttered warily. "I-I mean, I'm sure that in a straight-up fight, Sanji would wipe the floor with him, b-but he's locked himself in another _dimension!_ This is a-as far from an even fight as _possible!"_

"Eh, don't worry 'bout a thing, Usopp," I waved him off casually as I started marching forward again. "If you have any doubts, all you have to do is remember the two most integral parts of our crew."

Usopp—along with Boss and Soundbite—blinked in confusion, prompting me to spin on my heel and shoot them a grin.

"Our crewmates…" My smile took on a menacing overtone. "And the reality-breaking levels of _bullshit_ we are capable of."

**-o-**

"This…" Sanji bit out tiredly as he pumped his legs in an effort to keep pace with his opponent. "Was not… my _smartest_ of plans!"

The Straw Hats' cook was currently in the process of rushing after the assassin, chasing his silhouette through the rippling green expanse of his dimension. Thoughts of Robin kept adrenaline flowing through his bloodstream, ensuring that he didn't grow tired, but at the same time he couldn't shake a growing queasiness in his gut. It had taken him a minute to realize that it was because of how stale the air was, no doubt on account of how there wasn't even a trace of wind blowing in the off-color realm to recirculate it.

His nausea barely registered in his mind, however, as he saw Blueno moving at a much more leisurely pace, heading straight towards a wide window. Sanji's mind instantly reached the correct conclusion.

"Moonwalk, _damn it!"_ he cursed as he accelerated his pace.

It was a diabolical plan, ingenius in its simplicity: the bull probably thought that if he managed to leap outside and start Moonwalking all the way to the bridge, then he would be able to lose Sanji and leave him high and dry in the twisted dimension he was hiding in. And the worst part of it all was that he was _right;_ of the three leg-based techniques Cross had informed the crew of, Moonwalk was the one he'd dedicated the least amount of time to. Unless Sanji could stop Blueno from getting outside and away, then not only would he be left stranded for all eternity, but worse yet, he wouldn't make it in time to save Robin-chwan.

Gritting his teeth, Sanji leapt forward. "Collier Shoot!"

His aim was true, but he simply soared through…

_CRACK!_

And slammed into the solid stone wall adjacent to the window before falling onto his back with a pained grimace. "Damn it, since when the hell are walls _that_ tough?!" Sanji bit out as he got back to his feet and rubbed his throbbing leg. He then turned to look at Blueno… who was looking in his direction with a smirk. He'd _felt_ that, but it was completely useless!

"AAAAAARGH!" the chef roared in frustration, turning back with every intention of venting his frustration on the impervious wall he'd impacted—

Before freezing an inch from the stonework, on account of a _very_ specific detail having caught his eye.

Sanji leaned in for a closer look…

And then adopted a truly devilish grin.

"Cross is right," he chuckled. "Applied bullshit _is_ our area of expertise."

**-o-**

Blueno directed a smug smirk at where the rush of wind he assumed to be the pirate cook had most likely ended up; it had been a slight detriment to the Door-Door Fruit's usefulness in assassinations to learn that even superhuman force on that side was only capable of creating a breeze against any organic matter, but for once, that was working in his favor.

He maintained his smirk as he turned back towards the window and tensed his legs, preparing to leave his annoyance behind—

_THWACK!_

—and promptly had his concentration shattered by a hard impact to the back of his head. The attack itself didn't seriously hurt him in spite of the lack of Iron Body, but it still triggered a flinch of pain. Blueno stood, his head on a swivel as he looked back and forth in confusion. "What on _earth—!?"_ The assassin cut his own question off when he located the answer.

Leaning down, he picked up the slightly bloodied rock that had hit him, looking it over in confusion. "What the…?"

_CRACK!_

Blueno's head snapped around to the window that was to be his point of egress and gaped in shock at the impossible sight before him.

Namely, the sight of a chunk of stone that had been broken off from the window sill _floating_ in mid-air, wavering up and down as though someone were balancing it on… their…

' _I-It can't be…'_ Blueno thought numbly, his mind _refusing_ to accept the sight before him. ' _I-I've tried affecting inorganic matter in that dimension countless times in the past, all of us have! O-Only Lucci, Kaku, and Jabra made any progress, because it requires_ ten times _the normal amount of force to do anything in order to affect this side from that one! That's just not—!'_

_THWACK!_

Blueno was forced to cut his internal rant short when the chunk of stone suddenly whipped forward and forced him to dodge. The stone harmlessly smashed against the wall behind him, but he still stared at its fragments in horror.

Then, without even a moment's pause, the assassin blurred towards the window. ' _Need to get out,'_ he thought in a panic as his composure shattered. ' _Need to get away, need to get away fast before—!'_

Blueno had barely even taken a step when he found another chunk of stone speeding towards his face.

' _Iron Body: Strength!'_ he thought desperately as he initiated the technique. For a moment, he felt what he always felt when he used his ultimate variation on Iron Body: he felt relief. He felt reassured, he felt _safe_. He felt _invincible._

Then a chunk of stone barely bigger than his fist caved his face in, swiftly followed by his body smashing into and _through_ the wall behind him.

Blueno lay stunned for a moment, spitting and groaning miserably as his mind processed _what the hell_ had just happened. His ultimate Iron Body was broken, he himself punted through a wall, and his entire body in nothing short of a legitimate assload of pain.

' _T-The stone…'_ he thought numbly as he forced his body to stand. ' _I-Instead of throwing it, h-he used the stone to transfer his k-kick across the d-dimensional barrier…'_

And getting back up, what he saw next made whatever blood was left in his face evacuate it.

Half a dozen fist-sized stones moved around in thin air, juggled by an unseen pair of feet. As Blueno took in the sight, he voiced his thoughts in a tone filled with nothing short of utter horror.

"What the hell kind of monsters are you people?"

At that point, stones started shooting towards him like cannonballs, and he did the only thing he could.

He turned tail and _ran._

**-o-**

Kalifa reclined in the straight-backed chair she'd positioned in the center of her room, reading a good book that she had borrowed from Kaku. She gave no indication that she was paying attention to any of her surroundings. At least, not until she suddenly snapped up her arm, which was clad in a black opera glove, causing a metal orb attached to a long pole to bounce off with an audible clang. In spite of her sudden movement and the impact striking her arm, however, she didn't look away from her book. A moment later, the smell of ozone reached her nostrils.

"I'm afraid that won't do you any good," Kalifa said casually. "These gloves I'm wearing are well-insulated, as are my boots. I'm not so foolish as to fall for the same ploy twice in a row, I'll have you know."

"Tsk," came the disembodied huff of the Straw Hats' navigator. "I wouldn't be too sure of that; the only insulator that can't be overcome with a strong enough charge is my captain, and that's only because his skull is as thick as iron plating."

"I believe that," Kalifa drawled, before shifting slightly in her chair. "But I daresay that the same can't be said for you." She suddenly twisted about in her seat, lashing out her leg in an impressive display of acrobatics. "TEMPEST KICK!"

Nami swiftly threw herself backwards in response, rolling out from under the pocket of reflective air she'd erected and popping up into a ready stance as she glared cold fronts at her opponent. "Missed me," she taunted in a somewhat forced catty tone.

"Hmph. Indeed…" Kalifa mused as she marked her page and set her book aside before standing up, primly adjusting her glasses in the process. "I suppose I'll just have to try harder, then, won't I?"

The assassin blurred from sight without any warning, causing Nami to jerk in shock at the lack of verbal warning for the technique. Then, without conscious decision, Nami's fingers flew over the controls of her Clima-Tact and iron cloud surged from the butt of her staff, forming a wall behind her just in time to halt Kalifa's index finger, causing the assassin to leap back, scowling as she clutched her slightly bent digit.

No words were shared between the opponents. Nami merely spun around and swung her Clima-Tact out, crackling with electricity.

"Paper Art," her opponent whispered, bending a full ninety degrees at the waist to go under the swing, before bending even further onto her hands and kicking her feet off the ground.

"Tempest Kick: Doble!" she called out, her legs lashing out a double-sized helping of the razor-sharp wind. As the assassin completed the flip and landed back on her feet, she was disappointed to see the attack break against the wall of iron cloud like a wave over a rock.

There was no time for anger, though, as a crackle of light drew her attention up and to the black cloud above her head crackling with electricity, as well as the fact that Nami had her staff raised high.

"LIGHTNING TEMPO!" she cried out, and swung the staff down.

"Shave!" Kalifa cried out, zipping away from the almost-formed lightning bolt.

The two fighters eyed each other warily as the assassin came out of her Shave, the lightning burning a hole the increasingly abused floor.

After a moment, Kalifa blurred into another wordless Shave, Nami swinging her clouds around behind her again. As expected, this left them in perfect position to intercept a… normal kick? The navigator blinked in surprise, then in panic as her opponent used the clouds to launch a Shave _up-and-over_ , before her clouds could react appropriately, be it consciously or otherwise.

"Tempest Kick!" Kalifa announced with a smirk, and Nami was forced to dive to the side and roll, and even then the razor wind nicked her side. She then shoved her staff up as Kalifa pounced, lashing out with a full spread of side kicks. Heeled shoes met the metal staff, a Finger Pistol was avoided by the slimmest of margins, and then a knee strike was stopped with her staff.

"Moonwalk," Kalifa intoned, the leg locked in the knee strike pushing off the air, allowing her other leg to slam into Nami's side and send her tumbling.

"A valiant attempt," the assassin gloated as she casually strolled over to where Nami was clutching her side and wheezing. "That cloud defense was formidable. But without it, you don't have _anythi—!"_

_THWACK!_

Suddenly, the staff became a blur of blue and she felt one of the metal balls bounce off her forehead before she could re-establish the Iron Body she'd let slip, triggering a reflexive Shave backwards. She fingered the nascent goose egg with a pained hiss before freezing as a grim chuckle hit her ears, and she snapped a scathing glare at where the navigator was starting to work her way to her feet.

"Y-You think _that_ hurt?" Nami smirked, her expression the height of smugness in spite of the hand clutching the spot where Kalifa had hit her. "Please, I've run into _sharks_ that hit harder than you."

Kalifa scowled darkly, but before she could respond—

_KEE-RASH!_

—both she and Nami jumped in shock and looked downwards in confusion when the Tower of Justice was suddenly rocked by a massive impact.

"What the hell was that? An earthquake?" Nami demanded.

"Enies Lobby doesn't _get_ earthquakes," Kalifa responded sourly, though with no less curiosity.

" _SERIOUSLY!?"_

They received the answer to their question a moment later, as Cross' furious voice filled the air.

" _Alright, who laughed at the giraffe!?"_ Cross demanded. " _Who the hell is responsible for making me utter the phrase 'Who laughed at the giraffe' in complete and utter seriousness_ and _context!?"_

" _Sorry, sorry, that was my bad!"_ Boss promptly apologized. " _Zoro and Kaku almost landed on top of me while I was checking out this garden room of theirs and, well…"_ He trailed off into helpless snickers. " _I got one look at the guy's face and… w-when he started talking about the 'destructive powers of giraffes', I-I just couldn't stop myself! I, ah, skedaddled soon after, though, don't worry, I won't get in Zoro's way."_

" _Well, now he's gone and cut the whole frickin' Tower of Justice in half, and I'm in the_ loose _half! I hope you're proud of yourself."_

"… _little bit, honestly, yeah. For you see—!"_

" _I don't give a shit if it's a Man's Romance or a Manatee's, I'm still freaking pissed! I hope you're happy with whatever the hell it is that you managed to grab, because you're going to get the hell up here right now!_ GOT IT!?"

" _Yeah, yeah, I got it. Damn slave-drivin' sonnuva…"_

"What does it say about my sanity that I'm not even remotely fazed by any of this?" Nami groaned miserably.

"You…"

Nami blinked and glanced at Kalifa in confusion. "Eh? Did you just say—?"

_SNICK!_

Her question died in her throat when an _impossibly_ fast blade of wind passed mere millimeters from her face, liberating a few stray strands of hair and a trail of blood.

"You damn _pirates…"_ Kalifa hissed as she slammed her raised leg back to the ground, her eye twitching furiously. "Do you not understand what kind of a situation this is? Do you not comprehend the sheer _implications?!_ This is life and death, the harshest kind of conflict in existence, and yet you are making _light_ of it! How dare you be so blasé, how _dare_ you mock my profession, my _life!?"_

Nami recoiled slightly at the uncharacteristic rage the assassin was exhibiting, her mind fumbling to come up with a response. "I-I don't know what to tell you…" she hedged. "We're not mocking you or anything, we're not joking around. This is just…" She spread her arms helplessly. "This is just how we are."

Going by how something seemed to _snap_ behind Kalifa's eyes, that was _not_ the right response.

"BUBBLE MASTER!" she shouted, sliding her hands down her arms and flushing out a flood of suds that surged and gushed around her and filled her half of the room. The mass of bubbles roiled wildly, shapes similar to ram horns bucking and rearing throughout the froth. "SOAP SHEPHERD!"

Nami swallowed heavily as she took a hesitant step backwards. However, even as she started spinning up her staff and pumping up her Eisen Cloud behind her to match the most threatening bubbles she'd ever seen in her life, a thought came unbidden to her mind. ' _What was it that Su said Cross said back on Skypiea? Anger leads to distraction, and distraction leads to…'_ Nami hesitated slightly before adopting a somewhat mad grin. ' _Oh, what the hell, she's already ticked, might as well see how far I can take it!'_

"Maybe Conis misinformed me," Nami called out in a taunting tone. "But I thought you said that you'd sooner kiss Cross than take his advice? Because from my point of view…" Nami kicked her grin up a few molars, her Eisen Cloud looming around her. "You're looking _really_ bubbly right now."

If Nami's comment about the way they were had made Kalifa snap, that taunt made her straight-up _shatter._

" _BUBBLE MASTER: SOAP STAMPEDE!"_ Kalifa roared as she shoved her arms forwards and sent her bubbles charging ahead, roiling over and over one another.

" _EISEN TEMPO!"_ Nami bellowed back, swinging her staff down and letting the iron clouds behind her cascade out to meet the soapy charge head-on.

The two primal forces of white smashed together in the middle of the room, and the fight kicked itself right into high gear.

**-o-**

"You sure you'll be alright, Cross?" Usopp asked in equal parts nervousness and concern as we stood before a notably ornate door.

"Don't worry about me, Usopp," I said dismissively without taking my eyes off the door. "If worst comes to worst, Lassoo, Soundbite, and my armor should be enough to fend off anyone weaker than CP9, and none of _them_ are standing guard here!" I then paused and glanced over at Soundbite. "They aren't, right?"

" **Nope,"** Soundbite shook his head confidently. " _The trio of the—!"_

"If you say anything about hoods, nooses, or crosses, I will slap the insensitive out of you," I promised solemnly.

The snail bit his tongue with a reluctant grimace. " _ **Anyway… they're all where**_ **THEY SHOULD BE.** CHOPPER STARTED FIGHTING _the big-mouth awhile back,_ _ **THEY'RE ABOUT NECK-AND-NECK!"**_ He adopted an impressed look. " **The pipsqueak might not DOWN RUMBLE BALLS OFTEN,** _but when he does, DAMN."_

Usopp hesitated for a few more seconds before nodding. "Well… alright, if you say so. Good luck, guys."

"Like I don't already have all of it," I chuckled back.

With a final shaky grin, Usopp vanished. Squinting, I was able to keep track of him for a second as he sped up the stairs before he was out of sight. Geeze, I'd known he could probably learn how to Shave, but to master it this fast? Well… then again, I _was_ only half-joking back when I was recommending who learn what _._

Shaking those thoughts off, I looked back at the massive double doors leading to Spandam's office. "Soundbite, am I clear?" I asked quietly.

" **I don't** _hear ANYONE,"_ the snail replied.

I nodded firmly, pushed open one of the doors—

"…Soundbite?"

" _ **Yeah?"**_

"I hate you."

" **I'M STARTING TO** _**agree with YOU."**_

"Quiet, pirate scum!"

And found myself staring down the barrel of a flintlock pistol held by a Government agent.

I tilted my head to the side so as to better shoot a dumbfounded look at my assailant. "How even—?" I requested. "I'm honestly curious here, he has a _Devil Fruit!_ That shouldn't even be possible!"

The suit-clad agent smirked menacingly at me. "We agents of the World Government aren't like your average Marines, pirate. We're highly trained in all manners of skill, stealth included. You'd be surprised at just how quiet somebody can be when they put their mind to it. Now, then…" He drew out his other hand and spun a pair of handcuffs around his finger. "You're under arrest."

I swallowed heavily as I slowly slid my foot back, furiously trying to figure out how the _hell_ I was going to get out of _this_ mess.

" _I knew we should have taken that left turn on the tenth floor, but_ YU _said to go left."_

The Agent and I snapped our attentions—and weapon, in the Agent's case—to Soundbite, who'd spoken up in a very… familiar…

Soundbite angled his eyestalk in such a way so as to subtly wink at me.

Oh, that crazy mucus-covered son of a bitch, this could actually _work._

"Are you kidding!?" I spluttered indignantly, drawing the Agent's gun back in my direction. "That is a complete and utter lie! You told me that this was the safest route to go!"

" _NO I DIDN'T, YU DID!"_ Another shift, with the Agent starting to look confused.

"What!?" I angled myself slightly so that I could get a better look at the snail. "I didn't say that, it was you!"

" **RIGHT!"** I jerked my shoulder holding Soundbite forward, emphasizing his own bark. " _ **YU SAID TO GO RIGHT!"**_

"I just said it wasn't me!" I slid my foot forwards.

" **AND I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS YOU!** I SAID IT WAS _YU!"_

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SE—!"

I abruptly cut myself off as I jerked across the last of the distance separating me from the agent, jerked my Taser Baton from my pocket and slammed it into the Agent's gut, laying him out with a single _ZAP!_

For a moment, I just stared at his unconscious form in awe. "…We just managed to weaponize Abbott and Costello," I breathed numbly.

" _ **WE'RE AWESOME!"**_ Soundbite whooped.

"Who're Abbott and Costello?" Lassoo spoke up.

I froze for a moment before rolling my eyes and starting to scan around. "Right, that tears it. Soundbite, while I search this place for something useful, do the world a favor and broadcast the _Who's On First_ sketch. It's a crime that they've never had the chance to hear such classic genius."

" _With pleasure!"_ the snail cheered. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, _**we present an intermission in the STRAW HAT PIRATES'**_ _invasion of ENIES LOBBY_ **for the first ever SBS COMEDY CORNER!"**

Snickering as I imagined how many people all over the world would be rolling on the ground laughing, I moved past the insensate Agent—though I took the time to lock his own handcuffs on him and kick the gun to the other side of the hall—and into the office proper. It looked vaguely familiar (how could it not?), half-gaudy and half-utilitarian… and half-gone, thanks to my earlier efforts with the mortar cannons.

"Alright," I mused under my breath as I wrung my hands together. "Let's get started."

**-o-**

' _I will not laugh,'_ Buggy repeated in his mind. ' _I will not laugh. No matter how flashy or how humorous, I refuse on my pride as a pirate to let that crew,_ any _member of that crew, bring me to laughter!'_

And yet, the fact that several of his own men were already cracking up, along with the straight-up hilarity of the broadcast's opening, was swiftly eroding his endurance.

" _What's the fella's name on third base?"_

" _What'_ s _the fella's name on second base!"_

"I won't."

" _I'm not askin' ya who's on second!"_

" _Who's on first!"_

"I can't…"

" _I don't know!"_

" _ **Third base!"**_

"I can't," Buggy snorted. "I can't… _hold it in_ … BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**-o-**

" _The left fielder's name?"_

" _Why."_

"… _I don't know. I just thought I'd ask ya!"_

" _Well, I just thought I'd tell ya!"_

"How did we never hear such an incredible baseball joke?" Miss Merry Christmas cackled.

"Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaa…" Mister 4 started rocking back and forth in his seat as he clapped his hands and laughed.

Paula shot a dubious glance at him. "You actually _understand_ their jokes?"

"Yeeeessss!" Mister 4 nodded as tears started to slide from the corners of his eyes. "'Whhhoooooo' iiiiissss oooooon fiiiiiirst! Hiiiiiilaaaaaaariiiiiiiooooouuuuussss!"

Paula and Christmas promptly exchanged flat looks.

"I'm not explaining second through centerfield," Christmas grunted.

"I'll second that."

**-o-**

" _Tell me the pitcher's name!"_

" _Tomorrow!"_

" _What time?"_

" _What time what?"_

" _What time tomorrow are ya gonna tell me who's pitching?!"_

" _Now, hold on, Who is not pitching—"_

" _I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY 'WHO'S ON FIRST!'"_

"Yukeeheehee, yukeeheehee, yukeeheeheehee _heeeee!"_

The sadist in a child's body looked over the top of her book with a flatly cocked eyebrow, observing her sister's laughter slowly growing into a belly-jiggling guffaw. "Really, now?" she asked flatly. "You read _Vonnegut,_ and this is what you consider humorous."

"Yukeeheehee," Monet laughed around the hands she had clasped over her mouth, tears of laughter flowing ceaselessly. "H-He asked—! A-And he said—! _T-Tomorro-hohohoooooh I can't breathe!_ Heeheehee, heehee—EEK!"

Sugar's eyebrow raised up a bit when Monet suddenly overbalanced and tumbled out of her seat. And then her expression fell flat when her sister's laughter _intensified_ , if anything.

She returned her attention to her book with a weary sigh. "One of the greatest infiltrators of our generation, folks…" she muttered to herself.

**-o-**

" _You throw the ball to first base!"_

" _And who gets it?!"_

" _Naturally!"_

"… _Who gets it?"_

" _Naturally."_

" _Naturally?"_

" _Naturally."_

" _OK… so I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it—"_

The volume of laughter on the back of the giant elephant suddenly crescendoed, the vast majority of the Mink tribe familiar with baseball due to outsiders' information, and subsequently seeing every bit of the humor in the current SBS.

"He throws the ball to Naturally—GORONYANYANYANYA!" Nekomamushi roared.

"I… I'm getting the plays on words, but… but what's baseball?" Carrot gasped through her giggles.

"A— _hahaha!—_ llow me to explain, Carrot," Inuarashi proposed around his own laughter. "F-Fair warning, this'll t-take a minute!"

**-1 minute later-**

"And that's the game!" the large dog concluded with a firm nod.

"Wow, that sounds like fun!" the rabbit-mink nodded her head eagerly as she directed a grin at her superior. "Maybe we could all play together sometime!"

The laughter of the two Dukes of Zou suddenly stopped, thoughtful looks on their faces. After a moment of contemplation, wide, toothy grins spread across their faces.

"I think…" Inuarashi rumbled as he tossed a too-wide leer at his nocturnal counterpart. "That that is a _very_ good idea."

"As do I," Nekomamushi concurred, a glint in his eye.

Wanda's heart sank as she observed the way the rival rulers were eyeing one another, but she ultimately dismissed it and deferred to her dukes' superior judgement.

In the following weeks, that day would be marked as the day that the Ruler's Aide known as Wanda vowed that by hook or by crook, she would have her revenge on Jeremiah Cross.

**-o-**

" _Why? I don't know! He's on third… and I don't give a darn!"_

" _What was that?"_

" _I said I don't give a darn!"_

" _Ohhh, he's our shortstop!"_

" **And that's the gag!"** Soundbite concluded with a smirk.

"HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE!" Lassoo guffawed on my back. "Man, that's nothing short of comedy gold!"

"Yep," I muttered acridly as I finished patting down the bottom of yet another shelf and slammed it shut. "Pure genius, _right_ there, damn it all…"

I would have been in a better mood had things been going my way—no matter how many times I heard that sketch, it never stopped being funny—but the fact was that I was a _little_ grumpy at the moment considering that the last eight minutes of combing every part of the office, _starting_ with the desk, had yielded nothing but a goose egg.

And a rotten one at that. Seriously, how the hell did you get an _egg_ stuck down—! Ergh, I didn't even want to know.

"Hwee-hwee—Eh?" Lassoo came down from his laughter and glanced curiously over my shoulder. "What the heck have you been looking for, anyway?"

"I don't know, something, anything?!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "We're in the middle of the headquarters of the chief of CP9, who just so happens to have been all but _born_ a corrupt asshat. I was _sure_ that there would be something I could find in this office and broadcast that would, at worst, utterly ruin Spandam beyond what we already have, but at _best?"_ I grinned euphorically. "At _best,_ he'd have something that would make Dragon the Revolutionary feel like his birthday came early!"

"And ya think that what we've done so far _hasn't_ done that? He's probably laughin' his head off," Lassoo mused.

"Meh," I waved my hand casually. "We've done good, yeah, and call me an overachiever if you must, but!" I snapped a finger up. "I just can't help the feeling that we can do _better."_

Lassoo then proved that a gun could, in fact, shrug if it was so inclined. "Well… I'm no expert, but my old masters _were_ assassins. Maybe ya need to put yerself in his shoes." He then grimaced in disgust. "Ugly as they may be…"

I considered that for a moment before nodding to myself, and heading back to the desk before sinking into Spandam's chair. "Alright, then… so, if I were a subhuman degenerate, where would I want to keep… my… huh?"

I slowly allowed a grin to spread over my face as I felt something shifting.

"Right where I see the rest of the world, situated…" I breathed as I got out of the seat and crouched down, poking at the loose stonework below. "Right beneath my feet." I shot a smirk over my shoulder. "Lassoo? Remind me to buy you a week's worth of steak when we get back to Water 7."

"Praise be to Doggy Jesus!"

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "There's a doggy Jesus?"

"…well, I _assume."_

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to the flagstone. "Alright, let's see… shouldn't be too hard to open this… maybe something he'd press with his heel—?" I pressed down on the south side of the stone, causing the tile to tilt upwards and give me enough room to grab it and lift it out, following which I was met with the sight of…

My grin widened as I observed the triple-dials of the floor-vault below me. "Oh, if this isn't something incriminating, I'm going to be pi~ssed…"

"Ya know the important dates in his life?" Lassoo asked.

"Better." I took Soundbite off of my shoulder and placing him on the vault's door. "I know the phrase 'Gastro-Blast.'"

"OPEN **SAYS-A** _ **-ME!"**_

A cacophony of shattering metal rang out and I managed to wrench the metal door clean out of its holding.

"Who needs intel when you have an appropriately heavy fist, huh?" Lassoo snickered.

"Damn straight," I nodded as I returned Soundbite to my shoulder. "Now, let's see what we have here…" I fished around in the safe for a moment, but it ultimately proved to be a needless gesture. After all, the safe only contained one object.

I looked over the yearbook-sized black leather binder I was holding with and let out a low whistle. "Oh, _pleeease_ be something good, I'm begging you…" I muttered as I laid the binder on the desk and loomed over it. "Alrighty, then, let's see what we've got."

I inched my fingers beneath the cover—

"CROSS, DOWN!"

Before hastily slamming myself onto the desk in reaction to Boss roaring out of nowhere. The next second, I felt the wind of what could only be Boss's rope-dart shooting over me _followed by it smashing into something_ BEHIND ME?!

I grabbed the binder and dove over the desk, putting as much distance between myself and my attacker before spinning around to catch sight of them.

Suffice to say they were the absolute _last_ person I expected to see.

"What the actual—!?" I sputtered incredulously. "Jabra I kind of get, but how in the insane Blue hell are _you_ still standing?!"

"Chapapa _pa~_ …" Fukuro chuckled darkly in spite of how he was waving out a visibly distorted finger. "I guess you don't know as much as you think. Well, there's no harm in telling you at this point: We CP9 agents tend to measure the strength of our agents through the usage of what we call 'power levels'. At least one agent per generation is required to know the technique to calculate power levels, which involves the other agents striking the calculator with a significant amount of force. As such… I've been trained so that no matter how powerful a hit is, I can take at least one without too much damage."

He rubbed his jaw with a scowl. "Still, though, your captain _was_ pretty tough, so I Shaved backwards at the last moment, to roll with the punch. It hurt like hell and dazed me for a bit, but I still managed to get back up, chapapa."

"I see, that makes sense. Just one more thing, then," I nodded in a faux-casual manner before jabbing my finger at my shoulder with a scowl. "How the hell did you circumvent Soundbite's senses?"

"Chapapa… As you said earlier, I am the gossip-loving Silent Owl," Fukuro grinned tauntingly. "We of CP9 are all naturally trained for stealth. I just happen to be more skilled than most."

" _I'm starting_ _ **to feel**_ **rather** _ **IMPOTENT…"**_ Soundbite moaned softly.

"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us," Boss said dismissively, his attention never swaying from the rotund opponent before us. "Anyways, if'n you boys don't mind, _I'll_ take on this owly doughboy, you all get back to whatever it was you were doing. Sound good?"

"I'm content with that particular arrangement," I nodded swiftly.

"Go right ahead," Lassoo concurred.

" **BATTER** _ **up!"**_ Soundbite concluded.

"Feh," Fukuro spat to the side, scowling. "Please. Your tenacity has been impressive so far, chapapa, but the fact is that I'm a master of the Six Powers, and that _you_ are only a martial artist. These is no style in existence that can match it!"

"Counterexample: the wolf Zoan currently out cold after fighting our captain," Boss deadpanned.

"Allow me to rephrase, then," Fukuro snarled. " _Your_ style can't match it!" And with that, he suddenly shot towards us, spinning furiously. "SHAVE, IRON BALL!"

I took a fearful step back, but Boss didn't hesitate to waddle forwards, his head bowed solemnly.

"Yeah, you're right…" he said softly even as his opponent approached. "I've spent years finalizing my mastery over the Half-Shell Style, and I don't doubt that your Six Powers could crush it in a second. Which means that my only option left…"

He promptly snapped his arms up and crossed them before his face with a determined look.

"Is to kick it up a notch!"

_SLAM!_

Fukuro's spinning form struck Boss, but the technique that had sent a body that was literally half-iron flying uncontrollably failed to make the much smaller and much fleshier Dugong move more than _half_ a meter, if that.

As soon as his spin started to fail, Fukuro kicked away from Boss and flipped back across the room, where he stared at the dugong in disbelief. "T-That's impossible…" the assassin gaped in shock. "T-That was _Iron Body!"_

"Close," the dugong intoned firmly as he broke his stance, fists still raised and at ready. "My personal variation for the working dugong's body: Full-Shell Style: _Shell Body."_

"What the hell?" I gaped. "I never saw you practicing any of the Six Powers even _once_ over the past few weeks!"

Fukuro spared me a look of equal parts horror and anger while Boss rolled his eyes. "That doesn't mean I wasn't practicing in my spare time. Plus, some offense Cross, but in this instance your descriptions were utter _shit._ I didn't make a lot of progress until about, oooh, ten minutes ago? When I found _this."_ The dugong whipped a rather ornate scroll from his shell and waved it around. "In the garden-room a few floors below. Quite a few notes on it too, _very_ useful. Whoever was using it to review was impressively studious."

Fukuro's eye twitched vehemently. "And Jabra has the gall to call _me_ an idiot, chapapa!" His scowl then deepened and started twitching. "But that still doesn't make any sense! We've spent literally our entire lives learning the Six Powers and improving our mastery over them! The only ones who have ever been able to pick up the techniques that fast are Marines ranked at least Vice Admiral, and they _cheat_ to learn even half of it!"

"Honestly?" Boss allowed a slight smirk to tug at his lips. "All I took away from _that_ little rant is that your old masters deserve nothing short of the utmost pity for having such utterly hopeless students."

"…Alright, that's it. Now I'm angry! _SHAVE!"_ Fukuro screeched before vanishing into a blur.

"Rip Current," Boss stated flatly as he slapped his flipper on the ground before vanishing in an identical manner. The twin blurs clashed in midair, fist against flipper, following which Fukuro attempted to spin away back to the ground—

"YEOWCH!"

Only to discover that Boss' Thermal Dart was latched onto his uniform, which meant that he ended up on the ground wrapped up in a rope coat. A searing hot rope coat.

"Now, then, let's see how strong your resistance really is. Half-Shell Style…"

Boss yanked on the rope, drawing Fukuro back into the air and into Boss's range. The dugong shot at him, and his fist slammed into the agent to send him crashing back into the ground, a crater forming. Then Boss spun around, reeling Fukuro back up like a yo-yo and slamming his flipper into him, following which he flipped his opponent above him and used him as a springboard to shoot him up into the air while he himself leapt back down to the ground. Once there, Boss yanked on his rope-dart, bringing Fukuro straight down…

_CRACK!_

And onto Boss' outstretched fist.

"Barracuda Barrage!"

Taking in the undeniably epic sight, I fought with myself for a moment before sighing. "Don't expect me to say this again without a damn good reason, but… GO, BOSS, GO!" I cheered.

Boss shot a grin my way before spinning on his tail, swinging Fukuro around like a hammer throw before jerking his rope and uncoiling his weapon, sending the assassin flying out the hole in the wall and out of sight. "Much obliged, Cross, but I've got every doubt that that was enough to finish him. I'll meet up with you again when he's knocked out for real."

With that, he leapt straight up into the air—

"Tidal Swim!"

—and practically kicked himself off the air, shooting out the open wall, and then redirecting himself to shoot downwards and out of sight.

" _MONSTER QUARTET_ _ **confirmed?"**_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Eh, we'll see," I wavered my hand uncertainly. "I doubt that knowing the Six Powers will make that much of a difference against the original trio, not when they're learning it themselves. For now, though…" I held up the binder as I was carrying. "Let's see what muck we've managed to dig up, aye?"

" **AYE-** _ **aye!"**_ the snail concurred.

"We about to make Spandam's life miserable?" Lassoo growled eagerly as I returned to the desk and tossed the binder onto it.

"His and that of every last one of the World Government's higher-ups." I wrung my hands together eagerly. "Now, once again, o world… let's see what we've got."

And so, without further ado, I flipped the cover open, scanned the first page…

And had to actively fight to keep myself from cackling.

"Ooooh, yeah, this'll do nicely," I crooned. "Ladies and gentlemen of the world, what I have discovered and am about to publicize…"

**-o-**

" _Is nothing less than Cipher Pol No. 9's very own_ operational blackbook."

"OF COURSE! WHY WOULD IT BE ANYTHING ELSE?! _WHY_ WOULD I EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?!"

"Sir, your blood pressure!"

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Admiral of the Fleets Sengoku roared to the medical aide trailing after him as he marched down one of Marineford's many docks. "THAT INCOMPETENT MORON THAT WE MADE THE _EARTHSHAKING_ MISTAKE OF PUTTING IN CHARGE OF CP9 JUST HANDED THAT LOUD-MOUTHED HELLSPAWN THE VOCAL EQUIVALENT OF A GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAIL, AND HE IS ABOUT TO _PUBLICIZE IT TO THE WORLD! HOW THE HELL DOES A BLACKBOOK EXIST FOR CP9 IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"_

Sengoku wasn't the only one wondering this, as evidenced by the snail the aide was carrying speaking up in a certain canine-cannon's voice. " _A blackbook!? But that's impossible! From everything that we've seen, Cipher Pol No. 9 is a black ops unit! That means that there are no traces of their existence for the sake of plausible deniability! Any reports should have been summarily destroyed once they were confirmed!"_

" _Yes, Lassoo, but you're forgetting one_ very _important detail,"_ Cross grinned excitedly. " _Spandam is the textbook definition of what is known as a malignant narcissist, and CP9 is the source of his ego. He considers their achievements to be his achievements and he revels in them, but because of how fragile his ego actually_ is, _he needs constant self-reassurance to keep believing in his high and mighty attitude. That's where these—_ " There was the sound of a finger tapping paper. " _Come in. These are Spandam's_ trophies. _Proof of every last operation that he's ever pulled off for the World Government, every last victory meant to pump himself up… and most importantly, in this instance?"_

Cross's smile became demonic. "Insurance _that if Spandam makes it off of this island alive, he's going to wish beyond all shadows of all hopes that we had killed him… which, naturally, means that we're going to have to refrain from doing so. To every last Marine, Government worker, and Revolutionary on the face of the planet!"_ the pirate suddenly barked eagerly. " _I suggest that you all buckle up. You're about to get_ busy."

"Right, that does it!" Sengoku barked as he accelerated his pace and started marching up the nearest gangplank he could find. "Forget the timeline! Spandam's a dead man no matter what he does, the fleet mobilizes _NOW!"_

"B-B-B-But, sir, you should be resting— _GYERK!_ "

The doctor's insistence was cut off by Sengoku spinning on his heel and slamming the pole of the IV drip he was carrying into the wood.

"You seem to have failed to take something into account during your diagnosis, Doctor," the enlightened human growled acridly. "I am no mere human being. _I am Sengoku,_ Fleet Admiral of the World Government's Navy. I might be older than Whitebeard by five years, but the fact remains that it will take far more than one measly heart attack caused by one measly _pirate_ to incapacitate _me_ and keep me from _popping his head from his scrawny neck_." He leaned in and snarled in the medical officer's face. "Do. I. Make. Myself. _Clear?"_

The doctor had to fight _very_ hard to keep himself under control as he shook his head with a slight whimper. "J-Just promise that you'll k-keep your cannula in place? P-Please?"

Sengoku grimaced as he thumbed the plastic tube leading below his nose before nodding. "Fine. Now, then." He turned around and addressed the nearest Captain. "Before we leave, I want a status update: what's Aokiji's progre—?"

A massive glacier suddenly formed on one side of Marineford. Then, just as suddenly, it shattered to pieces.

"…Never mind," he grunted before striding onto the deck. "Tell him to catch up to us once he's finished. For now, though?"

Sengoku took his next step as a golden _titan._

" **SET SAIL FOR ENIES LOBBY!"**

**-o-**

"Now, then, let's state at the beginning…" I started to drag my finger across the page as I read it. "Entry one—eh? Wait a second…" I paused in confusion. "This first one is labeled Cipher Pol Number… 5… _ohh,_ of course, it's the one that started it all. People of the world, what I have before me is nothing short of proof positive of the fact that the World Government has, in the past, framed and _executed_ an innocent man for crimes he did not commit in order to propagate their own goals. Allow me to read it verbatim!"

I cleared my throat as I picked the book up and started pacing. "This report details the series of events that took place during Operation Parole Board eight years ago on the island of Water 7. And I quote, ' _Tom the shipwright feigned ignorance and refused to relinquish Pluton blueprints. Blackmail attempt for building Oro Jackson failed, as it was already known. Acquittal planned for building a sea-train. Solution: Covertly commandeer the battleships built by Tom's apprentice, Cutty Flam, and use them to destroy the Judicial Ship, and frame Tom for it. Final Result: Partial success; Tom arrested, blueprints not found on person. Pending interrogation on blueprints location in Impel Down. Promotion pending: position highly classified.'"_

I shook my head with a dismal tsk. "Well, there you have it, folks. Not only did the World Government countermand their own edict concerning the acquisition and usage of the Ancient Weapons, an edict they _burned_ Ohara for, no less, but they even went so far as to attack a vessel directly under their employ to do so. I ask you: if this is how far they're willing to go against their own people… how much farther might they go against others?"

I promptly grinned eagerly as I started flipping ahead. "Let's find out!"

**-o-**

" _Oh, now this one sounds like fun! Operation Market Failure! Now, let's see. First, there's a list of countries here…"_

If Baltigo had been active a few minutes ago, it was positively abuzz now as every last Revolutionary on base noted down every last word that fell from Cross' mouth. Dragon himself was mentally checking off the names of the countries, his sense of dread mounting with every name he accurately predicted.

"Sir," Sabo cast an uneasy look at his superior. "These nations… aren't these the members of the Vantruskan Coalition? Before—?"

"I always thought that the misfortune that occurred all those years ago seemed too spontaneous," Dragon bit out grimly. "It would seem my fears were vindicated."

" _Alright, now onto the good stuff:_ 'The aforementioned countries were involved in a suspicious trading coalition. CP9 sent undercover to investigate. Several traders interrogated and killed. After six months of thorough research, the investigation revealed that the goings-on were fully innocuous. Solution: Due to being too deep into the operation already, CP9 utilized the worst-case scenario. Frame-ups among every country involved towards specific other members, and remaining underlying liquid assets seized by CP9 for Government usage. Result: Success; ongoing war among the involved nations, and all seized assets added to the Celestial Dragons' tribute money.'" A pause. " _Well, I imagine that_ that's _going to piss a few people off. Oh, Dragon? I'd suggest clearing your lines, they're about to get very tied up."_

As if on cue, almost every snail in the room started ringing their transponders off of their shells.

Dragon promptly snapped a finger at Koala, prompting her to pause and glance over the stack of papers she was hauling. "Remind me, _where_ was the Vantruskan Coalition before it imploded?" she asked with clear dread.

"South end of South Blue," Hack provided as he passed behind her. "And by that," he dropped a _very_ heavy coat on her head. "I mean _South._ Dress warm."

Koala grimaced as she shoved her papers into the arms of one of her nearby comrades and started pulling the coat on. "I am… conflicted. This is a massive windfall for us, sure, but somehow, I don't think Cross would be that sorry if he knew he was sending me _to the South Pole."_

"Be happy now, kill him later?" Sabo suggested.

"I can live with that."

**-o-**

"Hee-haw! I can only imagine how overjoyed Dragon must be at this sudden influx of information! Jeremiah Cross has just cemented a powerful ally!" Emporio Ivankov cackled, leading Newkama Land in cheering for him.

"You speak as if he hadn't already, my queen," Inazuma intoned calmly as he (at the moment) swirled his Chardonnay in its glass.

"Psh," Ivankov waved her (at the moment) hand dismissively. "Totally different! Before, Jerry-Boy only had Dragon's _attention._ Now? Now he will deem him a comrade in Revolution, even moreso than he already was before! And he's still going on!"

" _Alright, what's next? Operation Entropy, eh? Oh, this should be good…"_

Ivankov hastily waved a hand to quiet down the cheers.

" _Alright, here we go:_ 'Upon discovery that the Oro Jackson was constructed of wood from the Jewel Tree Adam, we determined to ensure that no ship would ever be built of such wood again. Investigation on the island where the tree grows revealed that wood was shipped out in the midst of a ceasefire between the nations Shule and Cohor. Warring nations at the time of investigation: Jared and Akish, looked to be winding down from war. Solution: Spark hostility once more, and ensure that if the war does die down, we are in an ideal position to reignite the flames. Result: Partial success; the two nations war without end in sight, genocide more likely than peace, but only 95% of registered Adam Wood shipments are intercepted before reaching their destination.' _Huh… you know, I'm honestly surprised that I never figured that out myself; wars for the tree are one thing, but for them to constantly flare up one right on top of the other? This just makes too much sense."_

Inazuma sniffed contemptuously. "Condemning so many lives simply on account of what could _possibly_ be done with that wood. Barbaric. Still, though…" He paused to take a sip of wine. "Now that the world is aware that the blockage in supply is not simply due to the war, perhaps someone will be able to intercept the interceptions?"

"Mmfufufu. And I'd bet anything that more than a few of those counter-interceptions will be from our dear comrades on the outside!" Ivankov chuckled before raising her glass high. "A toast! To our dear comrades managing to get a copious amount of impossibly hard wood in the near future!"

"KANPAI!" the citizens of Newkama Land toasted their ruler.

Ivankov made to drink, before pausing with a frown. "…Why do I feel like my boys and I are currently the butt of some big cosmic joke?" she muttered.

**-o-**

I continued reading entries for the next several minutes, certain that Spandam's fate worse than death was sealed. Even so, there was one thing bothering me about what I was reading; every last one of them had been at least partially successful. It made sense, for Spandam's ego, but I was hoping that there would be at least one—

"Ah, finally! This one seems to have actually ended in failure. I wonder how that happened. Let's see…" I muttered under my breath as I scanned over the mission details. Then my eyes twitched. Both of them, one _right_ after the other.

"Are. You. KIDDING ME? This… This isn't corrupt, nor is it even tragic! This is just downright PATHETIC! I… I can't even read this one verbatim, folks, it's just… well, listen to this, Operation Star-Crossed. Apparently this was a special assignment for CP9, where the endgame _wasn't_ assassination. See, their goal was to force the alliance of two families of royalty for political and financial reasons by getting the scions to marry one another. They accomplished this by assassinating the scion's paramours—big surprise—and then infiltrating their lives so as to manipulate them into meeting one another. And it worked, too! The heirs of the Montfield and the Capoy families fell in love, got engaged, they even got legitimately hitched! Sounds hunky-dory, right? They were halfway through the reception!"

I slammed my head onto the wood desk, the groan of pain I let out more for the Luffy-grade stupidity I just read than any physical injury. "And then Fukuro, the tub of lard who also happened to be the groom's _best freaking man_ , got up before both families and, without a moment's hesitation, spilled the whole thing! Every. Last. _Detail_. After that, it was a _bloodbath_. There are… there are _no words_ , I should imagine. I mean… seriously, what's the point of his mouth being a zipper—it's a real zipper, by the by—if he's not going to bother to use it!? Honestly now, the man's mouth is practically a weapon of mass destruction!"

" **Like you have** _ **any room**_ _to talk?"_

"At least general chaos is my _endgoal_ , he just does it randomly, without warning and with no clear benefit."

"Still sounds familiar, hwee-hwee-hwee!"

"Oh, shut it," I grumbled, turning the page. "Alright, Spandam probably only kept that particular report because it wasn't even remotely his fault that the mission failed. And honestly, after that, I'm more inclined to hope that I _don't_ read any more fai—"

I cut myself off with a choking gasp as a very specific part of the entry caught my attention. My mind raced as I processed it before hastily flipping back through the pages, scanning the same section of each and every last one of the reports I could find.

What I discovered, and the implications therein, were not pleasant in the least.

**-o-**

With each report that Jeremiah Cross read, the old woman's grip on her cane and the folder she was clutching intensified. Not even Roger had caused her this much raw negative emotion at one time. Then again, perhaps that was simply because he and Cross had opposing end goals: Roger had shone hope inward in order to illuminate a relatively dreary world, whereas Cross was shining his light of truth _outwards,_ exposing the darkness that lurked just out of sight.

How much she had already known. The Marines were far from ignorant about the state of things, _she_ was hardly ignorant. She'd thought the limits were justifiable, thought the ends justified the costs…

How much she had turned blind eyes to in the last decades. The corruption she refused to see.

She was old. She had fought her war. She had fully intended to get involved only in the event of something too big or too high-profile for the present Marines to deal with. She had trained up a new generation to fight the oncoming battles, to weather the storm. She had convinced herself that she was ready to retire, trusting in the future.

And now, she was robbed of that luxury by, as she had put it herself so very, _very_ long ago, 'one boy with a big mouth.'

For the umpteenth time since she had left Sengoku's office and boarded her warship, since she had entered her cabin, her thoughts turned to the folder she now held in her hand. She contemplated what it held, she contemplated the implications held within, the consequences of turning it over to Sengoku as she had planned to do later that very day.

"… _well, now."_

And then, of course, _Cross_ decided to open his mouth yet _again._

"Oh, what now?" Tsuru snapped, looking back at the snail with a look of exasperation; anything that could make Cross sound _solemn_ , of all things, when he had listed off so many disasters without faltering, could not be good, be it for her sanity or in general.

"… _Ugh. I'm sorry, viewers, I just… this was some of the most fun I've had since starting this broadcast. I mean, there's enough material here that the Revolutionaries are probably going to feel like their collective birthdays came early. But looking at this, noticing what I have, I'm just… I'm too disappointed to even enjoy it that much anymore."_

"Disappointed?" Tsuru repeated incredulously.

" _Let me explain exactly why I'm so upset right now. See, for all that I disparage the Navy and everything that they tolerate, I do know that there are some Marines that aren't a disgrace to their mission. I've met them, I respect them, and I honestly believe that what I'm doing is right by exposing just what is_ wrong _with the people they work with. And one that I actually thought highly of is the leader of them all, Fleet Admiral Sengoku."_

Tsuru froze.

" _I mean, sure, I know that he's done some things that lots of us would be furious about, he's made a lot of choices like that. But, hey, I'm best friends with legitimate royalty here. I'm well aware, especially after the events in Alabasta, that that's the kind of responsibility that comes from being at the top. You have to make some tough choices, you have to look at the bigger picture, you…"_ Cross sighed morosely. " _You have to do… what you_ have _to do. If it comes down to it, you may even have to sacrifice some in order to save others. That's… That's life on the top. I may not have a lot of respect for the Navy as a whole, but I had a pretty high opinion of Sengoku. Despite some of the stuff he's done, I thought he was a good leader for the Navy, one that, at the end of the day, was the kind of Marine that lived the position of Fleet Admiral with the honor and respect that it deserved."_

Tsuru processed the words that fell from the pirate's lips, and ironically enough, they nearly made her rethink the past few hours, came close to convincing her to contact her superior—her _friend—_ and apologize. But there was one thing that stuck out more than anything else about what Cross was saying that prevented her from doing just that: the fact that he was speaking in the _past_ tense.

The rabble-rouser then let out another morose sigh, and proceeded to shatter what faith the Vice Admiral had left in her old friend.

" _And now, as I see his signature beneath every other one of these reports, as I see what I can only assume is his_ handwriting _approving bodycount after bodycount, atrocity after atrocity…_ _I'm left hoping beyond all hope that he never read them, and just signed off on them out of obligation. That he didn't_ have _a choice in this. That he didn't order even half of this. Because I really, really don't want to believe that he's capable of allowing even one of these Operations to occur in good conscience. Because to approve these missions… would indicate a complete and utter lack thereof."_

Tsuru remained stationary, her expression unreadable, for a full minute. Then her cane fell to the ground as she opened the folder, and took note of a single specific detail within. The moment she had it memorized, she waved her hand over the sheets and photographs that she had laboriously and carefully assembled over the last few weeks before allowing them to flutter to the ground, every wrinkle of an imprint and every stain of ink utterly washed away, leaving nothing but blank paper.

The next moment, she locked her office door and shut off the SBS. She thought for a minute, determining something, before dialing the number she had memorized. Two rings later…

" _Capricorn,"_ came a distorted voice, the identity of its speaker impossible to decipher.

"Aquarius," Tsuru enunciated clearly. "I imagine that that chain-smoking hooligan friend of yours Cancer and his rather admirable protégé Pisces are nearby as well?"

"… _Son of a_ bitch, _Cross can be a terrifying bastard sometimes, though at least Hina is somewhat relieved that she's going to learn just_ how _he does it…"_ Hina grimaced miserably. " _But_ damn it, _he is going to be insufferably smug on account of how we didn't even get a chance to do anything."_

Tsuru promptly felt a sweatdrop develop on the side of her head. "Ah… what exactly have I gotten myself into?"

The easily recognizable and sadistic grin that her Snail suddenly sported did _not_ set Tsuru at ease. At all. " _Straw Hat Pirate-grade insanity, Vice Admiral Tsuru,"_ Smoker chuckled in a tone that dripped with gallows humor. "That _is what you've gotten yourself into."_

"…bother."

**-o-**

I remained silent for a second longer before shaking my head as I got my head back in the game. Disturbing as the implications were, I needed to focus. Because in the end… it was now or never.

'… _This is it,'_ I thought, my heart pounding almost out of my chest as I glanced back at the book. ' _This has to be it. It's the only chance I'm going to get. After all I've done, after how far I've pushed it… there's no way in hell I can go any further.'_ I swallowed heavily. ' _Here's hoping that it'll be enough.'_

I exchanged hesitant looks with Soundbite before he steeled his expression and nodded firmly. I then removed him from my shoulder and placed him on the desk. I stared at him for a moment before starting to pace again. "Viewers? I would like to take a brief… intermission, if you will, to make a statement of a personal nature. Or rather… not so much a statement as a question."

I sucked in a deep breath before forcing a manic grin to stretch on my face for effect, while at the same time struggling to keep the desperation out of my voice; out of all of those listening right now, there was only one who would comprehend the true meaning of my message.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the world… I hope I don't need to recount what I've done today. You've all heard it, and unless you have the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's, you all remember it. So, in light of that, I'd like to ask you all—and especially the one responsible for bringing me to this moment—a question."

I suddenly jerked at the desk and slammed my hands on either side of Soundbite, glaring him dead in the eyes. " _Are you not entertained?"_ I demanded.

And then… _silence._

Utter silence.

I waited for the longest minute of my life before Soundbite shook his head with a grimace and I allowed my head to hang, sighing despondently as I put my little gray buddy back on my shoulder. "Sorry about that, viewers, that was… that was something personal. Anyways, let's… just keep moving on, shall we?"

The double meaning of my words made Lassoo and Soundbite cringe, and while I started melancholically weighing just how much value I put in my… _current lifestyle_ , I turned the black book's page. "Alright, let's see, what's next on the menu… huh, ironic. Operation Famine. Smuggling ring here in Paradise, CP9 sent in to eviscerate them, the objective of their operation was—!"

My words died in my throat as I read the next words, followed swiftly by the rest of the report. My comrades remained frozen for what felt like the longest of times as we all processed what we were reading before I _slowly_ managed to turn my head to the side to look at Soundbite, who was staring at me with an equally poleaxed look.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I whispered numbly.

Soundbite slowly shook his head, eyes wide in disbelief. " **It's… It's** _ **insane.**_ **SO FAR OUT THERE,** _the chances of this actually WORKING—!"_

"Are you telling me that this is a _fucking coincidence!?"_ I hissed desperately. "That we find something like _this—"_ I slammed my finger on the entry. "Moments after we called them out, after we called their bluff!? Are you saying that this _isn't_ their M.O. to a _T!?"_

"It… It does fit, I guess…" Lassoo said hesitantly. "But Cross, if this doesn't work—!"

" _It has to, damn it!"_ I snarled. "It's all that we have _left!_ It's this, or… or…" I bit my lip in an effort to fight back the panic that was starting to pound within me, and _not_ the good kind.

"…Alright, fine, so be it…" the dog-cannon sighed wearily. "But… even if it _could_ work, the fact remains that we need 'it' in the first place." He jerked his head at the rest of the room. "Where the hell do you propose we look? You already searched this place from top to bottom, and it's not like we're made of time at the moment."

"Ah…" I found myself drawn up short as I looked over the ransacked office. "W-Well, I… I-I guess if we—!"

" _I'll find it."_

"Eh?" I blinked at Soundbite in confusion. "Are you sure? Do you want us to help or—?"

" _ **Shut up already,"**_ Soundbite snapped. "I'LL _find it,_ **end of discussion** _. JUST LET ME_ _ **CONCENTRATE."**_

I promptly locked my jaws shut as I watched Soundbite screw his eyes shut. The seconds ticked by, but it wasn't long before he opened his eyes again, a dull look in his gaze. " _ **To the right of the desk, seventh stone from the wall, where the sword normally stands."**_

I only gawked for a second before Soundbite snapped a glare to me, forcing me into motion so that I was following his instructions. Upon reaching the indicated stone, I made to grab Soundbite off my shoulder—

" _ **Don't,"**_ Soundbite warned me off. " _ **He's boobytrapped this one, it'll self-destruct if we force it. He didn't do it on the last one because he didn't want to risk destroying it by accident. Slide it into the surrounding stone instead."**_

I glanced at him in surprise before laying my palm on the stone and doing as he said, sliding it around enough for me to move it a bit and work my fingers in and push it out of the way, exposing yet another safe. This one, though, only had a single dial on it.

"…let me take a flying guess, 19-16-1-14-4-1-13?" I deadpanned as I started fiddling with the knob.

"Hang on, that spells… A, B, C…" Lassoo muttered under his breath.

I input the last number and turned the handle, clicking the door open.

" _ **Spandam,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"God bless predictable bastards like him…" I whispered as I pulled the safe's door open.

Within was a single item, but it was all that I needed. I withdrew the contents, a small half-foot-cubed chest, with shaky hands and after a moment's hesitation, opened it to observe its sole content.

I… could do nothing more than stare at it, as did Soundbite and Lassoo.

"…so, that's it, huh?" Lassoo whispered reverentially.

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly before glancing at Soundbite. "This… This'll do it?"

" _ **I… ah…**_ **I-I don't…"** Soundbite hedged uncomfortably as he relaxed somewhat. " **I don't** _know. IT'S TOO HARD TO…_ **ALL I CAN SAY** _is that it's real._ _ **BEYOND THAT…"**_ He shrugged as much as he could. " _YOUR GUESS is as good as mine."_

I hesitated briefly before scowling and slamming the lid shut. "That's good _enough."_ I then stood up and snapped my fingers before rolling my index, which prompted Soundbite to produce an electronic whine. "Everyone, it's Cross. I just found—!"

_**KABOOM!** _

"—FUCK-MOTHERING GRIZZLY MAGNUM P.I. ON A KIT-KAT BAR!" I cursed wildly as I spun my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my footing as the _entire fucking tower was shaken by an explosion!_

"NOW THAT _**would be A FIND!"**_ Soundbite snickered.

"WHO THE HELL JUST CAME _THIS CLOSE_ TO KNOCKING EVERYONE IN THE LOOSE HALF OF THE TOWER INTO THE _FUCKING ABYSS!?"_ I roared indignantly, trusting Soundbite to broadcast my voice for me.

" _M-My bad—_ ERGH!— _Cross."_

My anger immediately evaporated into nothingness when I was answered by a thoroughly pained voice, along with Soundbite coughing up a mouthful of blood.

"Chopper?" I breathed numbly.

" _S-Sorry about that, everyone…"_ the reindeer wheezed miserably, coughing up more blood in the process. " _I used another Ch-Cherry Blossom—A_ CK!— _Blast B-Blizzard. It was s-stupid, b-b-but I d-didn't have any other choice…"_

"Shit, Kumadori?" I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. "Damn it, I'm sorry, Chopper, I thought that with your new arsenal—!"

" _N-Not your fault, Cross…"_ Chopper groaned in defeat. " _B-Between my Cherry B-Blossom arsenal a-and my new h-high quality Rumble Balls, I-I had him right on the edge."_ He shook his head with a grimace. " _T-Then he made a r-run for it and got to the k-kitchen."_ He chuckled grimly. " _I-I'm afraid that I underestimated w-what you meant when you said h-he'd_ mastered _b-biofeedback."_

I sucked in a breath. "He pulled a Luffy, didn't he? He snapped back to all cylinders in an instant—!"

" _While I was left r-running on fumes…"_ Chopper sighed. " _I-I'm sorry about the blast, i-it was that or e-end up a_ sieve, _I-I didn't think—!"_

"Don't apologize for saving your own life, Chopper, _never_ apologize for that!" I interrupted. "You did what you had to do, no one can fault you for that, nobody at all!"

"… _T-Thanks for that, Cross…"_ our doctor grinned miserably. " _B-But please, don't stop me from apologizing for w-what I'm about to do next…"_ His expression shifted to a combination of a scowl and a grimace. " _B-Because I'm about to break a lot of promises I m-made to myself and to D-Doctorine."_

I grimaced. So… it had come to this after all. Damn it. "Fine… but remember this: No regrets. We won't let you hurt any of us, we won't let you do anything bad. When you do it… do it with a clear conscience, alright?"

Chopper was silent for a moment, before smiling gratefully, tears of joy sliding down his face. " _R-Roger that, T-Third Mate C-Cross…"_

" _Cross, WHAT'S GOING ON?"_ Zoro snarled.

"Chopper's using his last resort, his trump card… his berserker form," I said grimly. I ran a quick headcount before grimacing at the conclusion I drew. "Franky, I really hope that those upgrades you mentioned are as super as you say, because you're the only person available who can contain Chopper once he takes down Kumadori."

" _I'm just putting on the finishing touches now, Cross, I'll be_ SUPER! _ready to go in two minutes!"_

"You have _one,"_ I corrected bluntly.

There was a moment of hesitation, then… " _I'll be done in thirty seconds. What do I need to do?"_

I took a moment to smirk victoriously. Oh, yeah, now _that_ was the SUPER! shipwright I knew.

" _J-Just knock me into the sea…"_ Chopper groaned. " _I'm going to be sending my D-Devil Fruit into o-overdrive. T-The sea will stop me."_

" _Got it. Just leave it to me, guys! Your friend'll be safe with me!"_

" _Heh… heheh… s-sorry to disappoint you, Franky, b-but the thing is?"_

" _YOYOI! Theeeere you aaaare! It's tiiiime that I end this!"_

Chopper screwed his expression up. " **I'm not who you should be worried about."** A moment of silence, and then…

" **RUMBLE."**

CRUNCH!

I slashed my hand across my neck, prompting Soundbite to cut the line. Not that it did much good, however, seeing as the next second…

" _ **GWROOOOOOAAAARGH!"**_

The Tower of Justice was shaken by a bone-rattling roar of primal fury, and then the smash of _something_ going through several floors in the space of an instant.

"… _wow, the little guy is_ seriously _out of his mind, isn't he?"_ Franky muttered nervously.

"Completely and utterly, and he's not even remotely _little_ anymore, either," I snarled as I wheeled on my heel. "Right, playtime is _over,_ I'm gonna grab the blackbook and—!" I interrupted myself with a choked cry of shock as I reeled back, on account of me finally noticing the presence of the absolute _last_ individual I would have expected to see in this situation.

Hattori responded by cocking his head to the side, regarding me with a curious, if avian, look. "And… do what exactly?" he queried. "Do speak up, boy, I so _hate_ it when thoughts are left incomplete, it just…" He ruffled his feathers. " _Irks_ me, you know?"

"…Guys, I'm gonna have to call you back," I muttered under my breath before glancing at Soundbite. "James Spader?"

" _Felt appropriate,"_ he muttered back before raising his voice. " **And for the record, I don't feel** _ **impotent anymore. NOW I JUST FEEL**_ **PISSED."**

"Oh, don't worry, I take no offense," the pigeon said dismissively. "After all, my species is renowned for being something of a pest, and as a being who lacks a spine on a biological level, it's only to be expected that you feel constantly helpless!"

Soundbite twitched furiously on my shoulder, but a warning look from me was enough to silence him before I refocused on the pigeon. "So… Hattori. What brings you all the way up here?"

"Well, first and foremost, I'll be dealing with _this,"_ he replied, tapping his talon on the black book, which I only just now realized he was standing on. "Particular breach in operational security. Terribly embarrassing, to be honest, a rookie mistake. But one we should have seen coming, I suppose, what with who our director is…" He trailed off for a moment before slapping his head with a chuckle. "Oh, right, terribly sorry, I almost forgot. I'm also here to kill _you_ , of course." The last line was delivered without missing a beat, as though he were discussing the weather.

I swallowed nervously as I fought to keep calm. "Is that so?" I managed to get out.

For all that I was keeping myself marginally calm on the outside, inside my mind was awhirl. In all honesty, I hadn't even considered Hattori to be a possible factor in matters, but really, I should have have known better. Like it or not, the bird _was_ a part of CP9, and doubtless had _some_ training, one way or another. Silly to consider, sure, but considering the current situation, _and_ the fact that half of my crewmates were animals and most of those were self-sufficient? Not a chance of me counting it out yet. Still, he was just a pigeon, so with any luck…

"So, I'm curious…" I started slowly, trying to keep my voice steady, even as I inched one of my feet towards the door. "Did Spandam order this or…?"

If I could just get out of this wide-open room—

And then my face proceeded to split open.

I blinked in surprise as I watched the blood gush before my eyes. "What the—?"

Aaaand _then_ the pain hit me.

"ARGH!"

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite and Lassoo chorused.

"To answer your question…" Hattori kept his tone of voice even as he inspected his wingtips, totally uncaring as I fell to my knees and clutched the _fucking trench in my face_ with a howl of pain. "It was actually Lucci who gave me this assignment. He wanted to guarantee that you didn't walk away from this island alive. Or at all, really. I'm only too happy to oblige."

" _Big words from_ **A PIGEON!"** Soundbite retorted.

The pigeon cocked his head to the side before chuckling dryly. "This coming from the _snail?_ Really now, Soundbite, is that the best you have to offer? That little barb failed to meet even my admittedly low expectations," he stated. "I do hope that's not your A-game. I accepted this assignment because I was hoping for things to be at least a _little_ interesting, after all, and it certainly wasn't because of _Cross_."

" **You damn—!"**

"Shut it…" I bit out through my pain. Because _damn,_ this shit hurt like hell, the bastard had torn my face open from cheek to cheek and all but cut my damn _nose_ in half! I'd be lucky if I'd ever be able to smell anything _but_ blood again, _damn it!_

Currently, my mind was awhirl as I berated myself for being so fucking _stupid!_ What the hell did it matter if Hattori was a pigeon, he was a pigeon owned and trained by _Rob Lucci!_ I'd forgotten to take into account the fact that that bastard wouldn't have let his pet be anything less than the perfect feathered killing machine, and all because I was so stupid stupid _stupid, damn it!_

"And that's even _more_ dull," Hattori sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed. "Honestly now, if you're going to _insist_ on boring me, I might as well get on to business."

So saying, the pigeon flapped his wings in order to lift a few feet above the desk—

"Tempest Wing."

Before flapping one of his wings extra-hard. I flinched and snapped my gauntlets up, bracing for pain, but _I_ wasn't the aim of the attack.

Instead, Spandam's desk all but split in half, and what little remained of some of the most valuable pages in the world fluttered out the window and into the waiting abyss below.

I _swear_ I felt something die in me as I took in the sight of what had once been a gold mine of information; I hadn't even made it through half of the book, and now it was _useless_. But… in the end, I couldn't really complain. It had served its purpose, however brief; I had what I needed most, and there was no doubt that I had spilled enough dirt to be earthshaking.

Now I just needed to stay alive long enough to actually _capitalize_ on it.

" **Please tell** _ME YOU HAVE_ A PLAN, **CROSS!"** Soundbite stage-whispered.

"Don't die?" I offered weakly.

For a moment, the snail was silent. " _A bit vague,_ **BUT I LIKE IT."**

"Yes, I suppose it _is_ elegant in its simplicity, isn't it?" Hattori admitted with a nod before drawing his wings back. "Too bad it's utterly implausible. Tempest—!"

" _EEEEEEEEE!"_

Suddenly, Soundbite let out a shrill screech, almost like a siren, distracting all of us.

" **OWOWOWOW! T-Too loud,** _ **too strong!"**_ the snail wailed miserably, "I-I-I **can't** _ **st-stop IT!**_ _H-HE DID IT!_ _ **THAT BASTARD,**_ **HE** **USED THE GOLDEN SNAIL!"**

Then Soundbite's expression mutated into a familiar scowl. " _Oh, now I pick the right snail. Not that it matters anymore, there's no turning back now! I've pushed the button! Of all things… I'VE TRIGGERED THE BUSTER CALL!"_

"And he just broadcast that fact to the entire island, if not the world," Hattori observed dryly as he landed back on the remains of the desk. "Good _God,_ how has anyone so utterly devoid of intelligence managed to live so long?"

"Mother- _fucking_ miracles, is how," I bit out venomously as I pinched my nose together.

" **HONK honk,"** Soundbite scoffed.

"Still," I raised my voice as I glared at the pigeon. "Any chance of calling a truce just long enough for me to utterly annihilate any chance of Spandam _not_ having the book—nay, the entire _library_ —thrown at him when this mess is over and done with?"

Hattori regarded me for a few moments before casually waving his wing. "Oh, why not? Not as though you have any chance of escaping. And I will admit, I'm interested to see if you can arrange for his grave to be dug any deeper than it already is."

"Watch and be amazed," I smirked before looking at Soundbite, taking the opportunity to dig the stock of salve-soaked bandages Chopper had given me out of my jacket. "Can you connect to the snail he's talking through and get a message to Robin?"

" _Eh…"_ Soundbite waved his eyestalks side to side. "HE'S OUT OF _my range…_ _ **ah, but one of the MICROPHONE USERS**_ **ISN'T! Just let me—** _GOT HER!"_

"Robin, we're on our way, and we're still broadcasting live!" I said. "I've already all but signed the bastard's arrest warrant, but I want to see if we can't push the buck a little farther! Get him talking!"

It was a true credit to Robin's professionalism that she didn't even hesitate, though the panic in her voice was, unfortunately, not faked in the slightest. " _You have to cancel it right away! Don't you realize what you've done? Everyone is going to die!"_

" _Cancel it? Ha! Who do you think you're talking to!? What's wrong with a Buster Call, anyway?"_ Spandam snarled, quickly regaining his composure, as well as his _raging ego_. " _Yes… Yes, this is fine, I'm perfectly authorized to do this! I'm the Chief of Cipher Pol No. 9, after all! To ensure that your transfer went over smoothly, I requested a Buster Call. There's nothing at all wrong with that! Who cares if it's a little overkill? Better safe than sorry; I'm sure Sengoku will agree that it's a small price to pay to get rid of these pirates!"_

" _You… You're more than a fool, you're insane!"_ Robin gasped fearfully. " _I told you before, that won't be the end of it! This is an attack without mercy, without humanity! The Buster Call will burn_ everything _on Enies Lobby to the ground! The buildings, the people, even the island itself! It will sacrifice anything and everything in its path! The nightmare won't end until nothing remains! That's the power you're invoking! I've seen it all with my own eyes, I've told you what happened on Ohara twenty years ago! You would sacrifice the lives of everyone here, and all for what!? For a_ weapon!?"

" _Yesss…"_ Spandam hissed, and going by his tone of voice it sounded like he was standing on the edge. " _The Government is well aware of the sacrifices involved, that's how important this mission is! With all the bad publicity we're already receiving, we can't afford to make a mistake. You're the last hope we have of reviving the Ancient Weapon! Poetic, isn't it? Destruction in order to bring about even greater destruction! The spark needed to ignite the engine of one of the greatest weapons in all history! Those few thousand soldiers should be honored, their souls will be the kindling for the blaze that will burn all evil out of this world! And besides, if they couldn't even do their job and keep your little friends from coming this far and humiliating the World Government as they have, they're better off dead! And the same goes for CP9!"_

" _You complete and utter madman… Do you even understand a fraction of what you're talking about!? The Pluton is a power far beyond your comprehension, beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine! What was written on that Poneglyph…"_ I could _hear_ the shudder in Robin's voice. " _Was nothing short of pure evil! I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to, because it haunts my dreams every night! Do you see what I'm trying to say!? You could destroy the entire world that you're trying to secure it for! Does it mean nothing to you that your efforts could reduce the World Government to nothing?"_

_"Reduce it to nothing? Hmm…"_ A demented smile slowly spread across Spandam's face. " _Yes, it does have that kind of power, doesn't it? You know, I could actually take advantage of that! With that kind of power, I could join the Five Elder Stars… or even replace them! Spandam, king of the entire world! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Right, this shitshow's coming to a stop, _now._ "Hey, leatherface, guess what?" I sang innocently.

" _HAHAHA—eh? What the—?"_

"You're on candid-snail, my friend," I sneered.

" **BUUU~STEEE~D!"** Soundbite howled with a cackle.

Hattori watched with unconcealed amusement as Soundbite mirrored Spandam's own expression of abject horror—

" _Er… by the way, this is, er, Straw Hat Luffy speaking."_

" **I WOULDN'T BUY THAT** _IF IT WAS ON SALE,_ _**DIPSHIT!"**_

—before his expression fell flat as the entire island shouted at him.

"Honestly, now?" Hattori groaned, his wing meeting his face. "Good _God,_ I'm actually getting a migraine. Honestly, I wasn't even _aware_ that pigeons could get migra—!"

He suddenly cut himself off and lashed his wing out, causing me to skid to a halt with a choked curse as the resulting razor wind carved a chunk out of the staircase railing before me.

"Nice try," he drawled. "But quite simply no. Now then—!"

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_

He gave Soundbite a thoroughly unimpressed look. "Really? Now, of all times?"

" **Hey, trust—** _dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **me, I get where YOU'RE COMING FROM!**_ _NOT RIGHT_ — _dot dot dot dot!—NOW,_ **OBVIOUSLY, BUT—!"**

"Oh, just pick it up already," he ordered me with a dry look.

"Yeah yeah, on it," I grumbled as I dug through my bag.

" _Dot dot dot—KA-LICK!"_

Soundbite promptly began shining golden, the rage _palpable_ across the connection… _and a demented smile on his face._ Hattori actually flinched back, as did I.

" _ **OHHH, SPAAANDAAAM?!"**_ came the horrifying voice of Fleet Admiral Sengoku, who seemed to have _cracked_ from the way his slasher grin and voice were tremoring. " _ **I HAVE NEW ORDERS FOR YOU, STRAIGHT FROM THE FIVE ELDER STARS: RETURN TO MARINE HEADQUARTERS IMMEDIATELY TO RECEIVE, AND I QUOTE THE ELDER STARS THEMSELVES,**_ ' **EVERYTHING YOU HAVE COMING TO YOU.'** _ **AND**_ **HEAVEN HELP YOU** _ **IF NICO ROBIN ISN'T WITH YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE."**_

Spandam hesitated for a scant moment before whatever delusion he was laboring under reaffirmed itself and he nodded dutifully. " _Y-Yes, sir! HURRY UP, YOU! DOUBLE-TIME! YOU ARE TO BEAR WITNESS TO ME RECEIVING MY JUST REWARDS!"_

Robin grunted slightly before gritting her teeth and glancing to the side. " _Well, isn't this a fine development?"_ she muttered underneath her breath. " _Now I'm actually half-tempted to go along with him just so that I can see the results."_

" _WHAT WAS THAT YOU—Ah, wait a second, I'd better hang up now before—_ CLICK!"

" _ **ARGH!"**_ Soundbite yelped. " _WRONG ONE,_ ASSWIPE!"

" _BITE ME, YOU LITTLE—_ KA-LICK!"

I would have to have been the absolute biggest idiot on the face of the planet to speak up at that moment.

"May I suggest awarding him the Darwin Award once he arrives?"

Which, of course, meant that I _had to._

Sound-Goku snapped a twitching glare at me for a second before his grin widened. " _Ah, yes. Jeremiah Cross,"_ the Fleet Admiral said in a voice of calm best compared to the void between stars. " _The biggest_ fucking _aggravation in my career, if not my_ life. _I have only one thing to say to you."_

There was a pause and then—

_Holy-fucking-hell-giant-golden-GOD!_

I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my knees from buckling.

" _ **I'm coming for you.**_ _KA-LICK!"_

I took a moment to pant and get my heartbeat back under control. "Fucking _Conqueror's…_ " I muttered. I then shot a somewhat hysterical grin at Soundbite. "Wonder whose is stronger, his or Garp the Hero's?"

Soundbite replied to the grin with a flat look. " **I'd say you have** _ **issues, but that fruit's so**_ **LOW HANGING** _the chickens_ HAVE BEEN PECKING AT IT."

"Oh, please," Hattori drawled. "I doubt there's enough left of that particular fruit after how much you ate to feed a worm. I do believe I'm actually doing you a favor by killing you now, before the Buddha arrives."

So saying, the menacing pigeon strolled forward, advancing on my talking snail, my bazooka-dog, and myself as I racked my brains for a way out of the bisected thirty-story Tower of Justice.

"…My life is so warped," I muttered as I ran the aforementioned situation through my head. I then froze as I realized the truth behind my words: I was in a crazy situation… so why not employ an utterly crazy solution?

And so, it was without a hint of hesitation that I planted my arms behind me and hoisted myself onto the bannister, balancing between certain death and the void.

Hattori stopped in his tracks, blinking at me in honest surprise. "You're mad," he stated matter-of-factly.

I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head. "To paraphrase Will Turner's dubiously good friend Jack Sparrow—!"

" _CAPTAIN_ **JACK SPARROW!"**

"Yes, yes, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, thank you…" I allowed an absolutely maniacal grin to spread across my face. "Good thing I am, because otherwise this would probably never work."

And with that, I tipped backwards and allowed myself to plummet, freefalling for a total of three seconds until I grabbed a handle at my side and _yanked._

" _ **AAAAaaaaAAAA!"**_ Soundbite hollered as a rope shot from my waist and latched onto one of the balconies I'd passed.

The next second, the rope snapped taut and I grunted with exertion as I swung into the wall, only my greaves and my training saving my legs from shattering on impact. "And people do this for _fun?"_ I demanded as I unlatched myself from the line and dropped down to the landing below me.

"You certainly do!" Lassoo snickered.

I paused as I contemplated that before nodding. "Fair point. Anyway, Usopp!" I raised my voice meaningfully as dug a spare spool of rope from my bag and started fiddling with my belt. "Thanks for letting me hang onto this thing after Skypiea, but do you think you could walk me through replacing the lines again? And while I've got you, how are things going? Has Robin reached the Bridge yet?"

" _Ah, not yet! But I have been giving the Marines hell. Only problem is that there are a lot of them and they're pulling out riot shields, so the best I can do is keep them pinned."_

"That's better than any of us at this point, so nice work, Sniper King!" I chuckled. "Anyways, those instructions?"

" _Pull out the ripcord and twist the base clockwise to eject it, then insert the new one and twist it in counterclockwise,"_ Usopp recited.

"Pull-twist-twist…" I muttered as I followed his orders and replaced the reels. "Alright, got it, thanks. Back to work."

" _Yeah, I'm on—Oh, a reflection! EAT THIS! SPECIAL ATTACK: LEAD STAR!"_

"Knock 'em dead, Usopp!" I called up before looking at my companions. "Alright, you guys ready?"

"Do we have a choice?" Lassoo snorted.

" **Not really,** _ **the feather-rat is GETTING SUSPICIOUS!"**_ Soundbite yelped.

I bit out a curse and hastily sprung into action. First, I launched my grappling hook's anchor into the floor, burying its head in the stone, and then I got onto the railing and hung myself over the edge by the line. Thankfully, I was on an extended balcony, so I would be dropping into the middle of the stairwell.

"Here we _go!"_ I grunted as I jumped out and started falling down the shaft again, my descent controlled by an automatic brake Usopp had installed in the belt while I kept a hand on the line in order to keep my balance.

I warily scanned the shaft leading up to the roof as I descended. "Any idea if he's coming, or—?"

" **NOW!"**

Exactly on cue, a dart of white popped into sight and shot down at us, zipping back and forth as it honed in.

I didn't even hesitate to snap my arm up when the killer pigeon got near. "Gastro-Flash!" I ordered, flexing my palm.

Thankfully, the resulting blast of light and sound forced Hattori to divert his course of descent, following which he shot past me without stopping. Of course, a glance downwards was all I needed to confirm that he'd almost immediately pulled a 180 and was shooting back _up_ at us, which I wasn't going to let fly. Pun mostly not intended.

"Gastro-Phony!"

" _ **SUCK IT!"**_ Soundbite snapped before roaring out an ear-rending cacophony. The resultant blare forced Hattori to swerve and give us a wide berth before wheeling around above us.

"Alright, now unless I miss my guess, he's now going to try to…" I was answered by Hattori slashing his wing at my line. The razor wind hit the rope and caused reverberations to course up and down it, but other than a few shakes, nothing actually _came_ of it.

"NICE TRY!" I called up to the avian aggressor. "BUT I HAD USOPP BUY SOME SPOOLS OF REINFORCED ROPE WHILE WE WERE IN WATER 7! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN _THAT!"_

"You realize that that's only going to piss him off, right?" Lassoo groaned darkly.

I shrugged in means of reply. "Hey, he's going to try and end us anyway, not like I'm making things any worse. And 'sides, _you're_ the one who's going to keep him from killing us in the first place."

"What!? How the heck am I gonna do that!?"

At that moment, Hattori swerved down at us and lashed out yet another rippling wave of air at us.

"Like this!" I grit out as I unslung Lassoo and pointed his muzzle dead ahead. "Cani-Blast!"

Lassoo didn't even hesitate to belt out the pillar of fire, the kickback from which swung me backwards, out of the path of the bird's attack and into the Tower's wall.

I dug my fingers into a cleft in the tower's stonework, letting myself hang and catch my breath for a moment before I nodded firmly. "Alright… Alright, now we get serious. Hang on tight!" And with that, I leapt out and to the side, swinging out of the way of yet another Tempest Wing.

"Lassoo, can you adjust the fuse of your baseballs yourself?" I asked as I landed on another wall.

The dog-gun frowned in thought for a moment, and then grinned. "I can do you one better, Cross," he said. "Watch _this!"_

And with that, he angled his head and spat out a baseball that would have blown the stupid pigeon to feathers had it been properly aimed, as it exploded mere feet behind him. I was quite gratified to see Hattori flail a bit mid-flight.

"OK, keep that up!" I said as I leapt out again. Then I frowned as I noticed him suddenly swooping in loop-de-loops. "What's he—? Oh, shi— _Cani-Blast!"_

Lassoo barked out another pillar of flame, sending us off to the far-side of the shaft and not a moment too soon, judging from the fact that the wall where I'd been standing earlier suddenly turned into _swiss-fucking-cheese!_

"Of _course_ Lucci taught his pigeon the Flying Finger Pistol!" I roared in frustration. "Of _course_ he did, because it would be too _easy_ if he only knew _one_ ranged attack!"

" _Shouldn't that_ BE **Flying** _ **Beak**_ **Pistol?"** Soundbite pointed out innocently.

"Not the time, you little—!"

"STOP!"

I instinctively swung Lassoo around and braced at his warning shout, the cannonball he vomited up bringing us to a halt mere inches from the incoming Tempest Wing that would have intercepted us otherwise.

"That was _way_ too close," I whimpered, before hastily blasting myself back to the wall and running around the shaft as a Flying Nose—Beak— _whatever_ nearly clipped my shoulder.

"Lassoo!" I howled.

"Hold still for just a minute!" he barked, before chuffing. "Gotcha! Cani-Cannon Barrage: Ack-Ack Edition!"

I braced myself as Lassoo rammed into my shoulder, going full rapid-fire as explosion after explosion rocked the stairwell. While I didn't hear a squawk of avian death, I also didn't have to dodge any more air-pressure attacks, so I decided to call it a win. After a few minutes, though, I felt the explosions taper off and then stop entirely.

"He's pulled up and I can't aim that high," Lassoo growled in answer to the unspoken question.

"Wait, he wha—? _Shit,_ " I spat as I stared upwards after the feathered menace. "He finally got wise and decided to go for our anchor, and there's _fuck-all_ we can do to stop him!"

Suddenly we jerked to a stop.

" _NOT THAT IT MATTERS,_ **considering we're** _ **out of rope,"**_ Soundbite noted with a nervous chuckle.

Gritting my teeth, I glanced downward, hoping for _something_ to get us out of this mess. The only things I saw were that the nearest stair-landing was far enough down that a drop would break my legs and a bloodied Blueno Moon…walk…ing…

I took a second to blink in shock at the sight of Blueno hovering in the air and frantically looking around before grinning as an idea popped into my head.

"Guys, fair warning, I'm about to do something _really_ stupid," I notified them matter-of-factly.

" _What else is new?"_ they scoffed.

"Yeah, well, this is going to be _particularly_ bad," I said casually. And with my partners sufficiently warned, I aimed Lassoo above me… and unlatched the rope. "CANI-BLAST!"

It took more gymnastics than I was normally capable of and I'm almost _certain_ that I pulled something in the process, but the end result was the same: Lassoo's blast launched me downwards and I was able to slam my foot—!

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Wha—?"

_CRUNCH!_

"GWAH!"

Dead-center in Blueno's face.

I held my position balancing on the bull-haired man's face for a second before leaping forward and jumping to the stairwell.

I panted heavily as I fought to catch my breath before shooting a finger up into the air. "And all that!" I announced in a grandiose tone of voice. "While stone-cold _sober!"_

"GRGH—!" Blueno cursed for a second as he nursed his shattered nose before directing a murderous glare at me, somehow still maintaining his Moonwalk. "Cross, you damn son of a—!"

"We interrupt this worthless death-threat for a breaking news story: CP9 agent with a Power Level of 820 proven to be useless against Gastro-Phony!"

" _ **MORE AT ELEVEN!"**_ Soundbite boomed.

Blueno blinked dumbly at us. "Wha—?" _Then_ Soundbite's ear-rending roar hit him dead-on. He snapped his hands to his ears, and promptly dropped like a stone when he forgot to keep his legs kicking.

I glanced over the edge of the railing and cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was easy."

"It's a sad day for CP9 when a pigeon is more threatening than a bull," Lassoo sighed.

_That_ brought me up short as I thought things over. "…Good grief. I'm fighting a pigeon, I just kicked a bull in the face, and a _giraffe_ cut this entire tower in half. Zoro was right, this place _is_ a zoo!"

" **Enies Lobby,** _ **THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE**_ **IN THE GRAND LINE!"** Soundbite cackled.

I groaned as I ground the bridge of my nose. "Damn, now my memories will forever be tainted… anyway, let's get moving and—!"

_CLONK!_

"Ow!" I flinched as I felt something smack the back of my head, something that probably would have hurt a lot more if this were a few months ago. I glanced back and identified that it was a rock that had hit me, prompting me to blink in confusion before looking around to see who could have thrown it. I then began to question my perception of reality when I caught sight of two pebbles floating in mid-air and tapping against one another.

"…Soundbite, can I blame you for this?" I asked only slightly desperately.

"TOO MUCH CREDIT! _And that's no delusion, that's_ _ **morse code,**_ **it's SANJI!"**

"Say _what!?"_

"Yeah, and he's sayin'…" Lassoo narrowed his eyes as he followed the tapping. "'Stay. Out. Of. This. Cross.'"

I felt my eyes twitch before I crossed my arms and scowled. "Get off my case, Combat Cook, I needed a safe way to the stairs and he was my best option! And anyway…" I smirked tauntingly. "Shouldn't you be going after him rather than staying here yapping at me?"

The pebbles flinched and hastily tapped out something I suspected was distinctly insulting before they dove over the edge.

I watched them for a second before exchanging glances with Lassoo. "Not even going to question it, you?"

"Nope," he shook his head flatly.

" **Good,"** Soundbite barked _just_ as the line I'd been dropping on fell past us. " _Because the FEATHER-RAT IS ON_ _ **THE MOVE AGAIN!**_ **RUN!"**

I decided to follow that excellent advice and run like _hell._

**-o-**

"And three… two… one…" Vivi counted down under her breath as she watched the second-hand on her watch tick away before nodding firmly and snapping it shut. "It's been five minutes, Luffy and Lucci should be well into it. I doubt we'll get a better chance than this." She glanced over her shoulder at Conis and Su. "Are you ready?"

Conis nodded in agreement as she adjusted her goggles before wrapping her arms around Vivi's waist. "Ready and willing!"

"Su!" Su concurred as she dug her claws into her owner's back.

Vivi then turned her attention to her Carue. "Ready for this, Carue?"

The supersonic spot-billed duck snorted firmly as he snapped his visor down over his eyes. " _Quack."_

"Alright, then…" Vivi grit her teeth as she wrapped her hands in her partner's reins. "Let's do this!" She gave the reins a firm snap. "HEEYAH!"

"QUAAACK!" Carue squawked loudly as he started tearing down the tunnel at breakneck speeds.

The duck and his riders had left Luffy and had been waiting more than a kilometer away from the Bridge of Hesitation.

Carue cleared that distance and tore into the Bridge's warehouse in less than twenty seconds.

To most anyone else entering the room, it would appear as though there was some sort of malevolent haze ripping the room apart. This would be on account of Luffy having gathered that he would only be able to beat Lucci by going all-out straight off the bat and Lucci eagerly meeting him in turn. The result was their forms being barely visible as they—a lobster-red rubber man and a menacing anthropomorphic leopard in a black suit—matched blows and otherwise rendered themselves as barely colored blurs in the air.

Carue, however, was not most anybody. He was a Supersonic Duck, and in order to properly cope and process their environments while running at their maximum speeds, Supersonic Ducks had evolved so that no matter how fast they moved, their brains would automatically speed up and allow them to keep up and _not_ crash into anything.

The end result of this miracle of nature was that where Vivi, Conis and Su only saw an unintelligible nothing, Carue was at _least_ able to follow Luffy and Lucci as they flashed around the room, pummeling, parrying, dodging and overall performing a danse macabre in all but song.

The duck had _almost_ made it halfway the storeroom when suddenly the world froze around him— _right_ in the instant where he was in midair, between one step and the next—as his abject terror ramped his mental dilation into overdrive.

The reason for his terror was the fact that, at the moment, there was a 12-foot tall leopard-human towering above him. One of said leopard-human's hands was held out in such a way so as to deflect the crimson fist trying to slam into his head, and the other…

Carue felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest as he watched the other clawed hand swipe down towards his head. To him it looked like the hand was moving slowly, but he knew, he _knew_ that if it made contact, then it would swipe off both his and Vivi's heads in a single, clean, utterly unhindered motion.

As certain death slowly but certainly inched towards his head, Carue found himself doing the only thing he could: reiterating the mantra that he'd adopted almost a week earlier, reciting it in every instance of training he'd performed with Vivi.

' _One second,'_ he frantically repeated, over and over. ' _One second one second one second_ _one second—!_ '

Carue could see his own reflection in Lucci's claws, and he was _right_ about to lose control of his bowels. Then Vivi entered the reflection as well, and something in Carue's mind just _clicked._

' _One second…'_

The very tip of Carue's talon touched down on the floor.

' _One second. Ten steps, all in one second… TO SHAVE!'_

And then Carue _moved._

Rob Lucci snarled out a curse as his claws whiffed through the air, his quarry disappearing from his sight so fast that all that he was left with were a few stray feathers and the tail-end of a furious "—AAAAAACK."

"Damn _pira—!"_

The assassin only had a second to fume over his failure before a fist smashed into his face and sent him crashing him into the wall, following which he was wrenched right back into the greatest fight of his entire life.

**-o-**

I fought to control my breathing as I glanced around a corner on the Tower's ground floor. I scanned the hallway before me and came up with jack-diddly in ways of killer pigeons. It looked for all the world like I had a straight shot to the Tower's back dock, but at the moment that meant all of jack- _squat_ to me, and for a damn good reason _._

"Still no luck on finding the damn feather-rat?" I hissed to Soundbite.

He snarled darkly as he shook his head. " **Not a one.** _I don't want to give any credit to_ **THESE BASTARDS,** _ **but where their stealth skills are CONCERNED, IT'S DUE.**_ **I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS,** SORRY."

I tsked softly at that as I hesitantly eyed the Bridge in the distance. "Alright… alright… Lassoo, how far would you say it is to the dock?"

"Eh…" Lassoo cocked his head to the side, eyeing the distance. "Fifty-five, fifty meters, give or take? Either way, the architects got their money's worth off of these blueprints."

I groaned miserably at the prospect as I felt my legs flare up miserably, and _not_ because of my fondued muscles. "Ah… alright… so running out there would just be stupid, so… so let's start with you belting out a load of smoke to fill the corridor, and then, ah, ah… Soundbite! Yeah, Soundbite, you fill the corridor with Gastro-Phony, and then I'll, ah, I'll—!"

" _Alright, what's with_ **the stuttering?"** Soundbite demanded impatiently. " _ **That corridor**_ **IS A LEGITIMATE KILLBOX,** _WHY AREN'T YOU_ RUNNING RIGHT INTO IT!?"

I flinched self-consciously before shooting a shaky grin over my shoulder. "Haaave I ever told you two that I _really_ hated P.E. class in school?"

My partners' expressions promptly fell flat. " _Seriously?"_ they deadpanned.

I plastered a sheepish grin on my face as I rubbed the back of my head. "Running the mile, specifically. I mean, sure, my adrenaline's running pretty high, but I just don't think that running a straight line like this is the best course of action. I mean, come on, I'm the tactician here, and since I know the opponent, I'm sure I can come up with a few dozen plans to circumvent—!"

"Oh, for the love of _God,_ will you _please_ shut up?"

"NOW _THAT'S_ MOTIVATION!" I yelped in panic as I shot out from behind the corner and made a break for it, pumping my legs as fast as I possibly could.

To my credit, I actually managed to make it a little under halfway.

"Tempest Wing."

_SKRANG!_

The attack splashed across my heel, sending me tumbling ass over teakettle. It was a considerable comfort that I had my armor on and that said armor was thick as hell, because otherwise I would have fit a _really_ inconvenient stereotype. But considering that it left me wide open for another attack, that comfort was as cold as they came.

And it got even _colder_ when I started to push myself to my feet and was forced to freeze when I wound up staring down the damn bird's wing.

"I'm _terribly_ sorry for my rudeness, but _honestly now,"_ Hattori drawled. "There's only so much inane jibber jabber a sane being can take at a time. Really, I do believe I can see where your navigator comes from whenever she does the world a favor by shutting you up."

" **YOU SHIT-FEATHERED—** _ **AGH!"**_ Soundbite's vicious snarling was cut off when a small gash was suddenly carved into his shell.

"When I told you to shut up earlier," Hattori said, his eyes narrowed menacingly. "I meant _all of you._ And as for you!" Hattori swung his wing to point it between Lassoo's eyes, causing the cannon to freeze just as he was opening his jaws. "I want you to think _very_ hard on this: what do you think is faster? Your mouth, or my wing?"

Lassoo kept his mouth half-open for a second before snapping it shut with an irritated growl.

Hattori nodded before turning his attention back to me. "I'll give you points for persistence and cleverness, Cross," he drawled. "But in the end, you're simply _weak_ , and your attempts to compensate through the usage of your unctuous partner futile due to his own innate uselessness. Allow me to share a fact of life with you: There are opponents against which no amount of cleverness and persistence will work. And unfortunately for you, I'm not a Logia user with delusions of grandeur and better things to do with his time than kill you."

" **But apparently you have THE TIME TO** _run your FUCKING—!"_

Hattori casually flicked his wing, snapping a small pellet of _something_ into Soundbite's mouth before he could react and reducing my snail's tirade to little more than a barrage of hacking and wheezing. The answer to what the hell had just happened came in the form of Soundbite coughing up a cloud of white powder that I recognized all too well: _flour._

"Soundbite!" I cursed desperately.

Hattori cooed something or other in what I _knew_ was a condescending tone, and the snarl Lassoo let out was proof enough of that.

Still, no matter what it was the bird said, his next action was clear enough.

Time seemed to slow down for us as the wing came down, and I could only stare and watch in horror as the air started to ripple around the white feathers.

Later on, when I recounted this story to my crew, I would swear up and down the Grand Line, Paradise and New World alike, that just as the wing was inches from my face, I saw a figure with a robe and a scythe looming behind the damn bird.

And that figure _would_ have swung his scythe down, too.

" _ **NO!"**_

If it weren't for a titanic voice suddenly bellowing out and causing Hattori to flail back in shock.

I hastily scrambled back when the pigeon's wing slashed at my face, and my heart all but stopped when the bird's wingtip sheared a small nock out of the lip of my baseball cap. "Fuck Gear Second, _I_ just lost a few years off my life…" I whimpered in terror as I clambered to my feet.

Hattori, looking rather unnerved himself, hopped back from me and began scanning the area. "Who just spoke?" he demanded, before stiffening in shock. "Wait, how on earth am _I_ speaking?!"

" **HEY, FEATHERBRAIN."**

Both Hattori and I snapped our attention to my shoulder, where Soundbite was grinning malevolently.

" _ **YO,"**_ he greeted.

My jaw promptly dropped in shock.

It wasn't because a snail spoke, no, I thoroughly used to that little fact of life.

_It was because he spoke_ _without opening his mouth._

"S-Soundbite…" I breathed in awe. "H-How the hell are you?"

Soundbite glanced at me for a second before shaking his head. " **HoohoohooHEEHEEHEE** _ **hahaha…**_ _haaaa…"_ The snail then glanced down at my side. " _PEOPLE OF THE WORLD…_ I HAVE A MESSAGE OF MY OWN."

Suddenly, a _very_ familiar… nay, an [_unforgettable_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt3DGzG1gac)drumbeat started to play out, and all I could do was snap my head up into the air in shock. "What the _hell—?!"_

" _ **I have a message that I want to share with**_ **some people."**

**-o-**

" _ **TO THE WARLORD OF THE SEAS KNOWN AS DONQUIXOTE DOFLAMINGO."**_

"Fuffuffuffuffuffu… _Fuffuffuffuffuffu…!"_

Said Warlord was currently hunched over and snickering on the deck of his ship, en route to getting the hell out of the No Man's Land that lay between Totland and Kaido's Empire; the events of the last few hours had been seriously taxing his ability to suppress his laughter, and it was taking a lot of effort not to start cackling loudly enough to wake the whole of the ocean.

Not that anyone was still asleep, mind you.

This was evidenced by Diamante hesitantly shuffling forwards, his progress being none-too-subtly encouraged by Pica shoving him in the back. He shot a glare over his shoulder at the larger Executive before clearing his throat. "Ah… Young Master, if you don't mind me asking, what's so—?"

"Fuffuffuffu… forget it…"

"E-Eh? W-What— _AGH!"_ Diamante stumbled back in shock when the deck beneath his feet suddenly turned to string and started rippling.

"Forget the lateness of the hour, forget being yanked away to calm Big Mom. Hell, you can even forget that _blacklist_ fiasco from awhile back too!" Doflamingo's smile stretched from ear to ear as he flung his head back and started cackling at the sky. "FUFFUFFU! Forget it all! In the end, it doesn't matter how irritating they are, how arrogant and overambitious they might be! None of that matters, not now or ever again! Because now, it's official! The Straw Hats are just keeping this too world too interesting for me to be anything but entertained! HELL!"

The officers on board stumbled back in shock and terror when Doflamingo affixed a gaze at them that was filled with nothing but pure insanity.

"FORGET THE ERA OF ROGER, AND FORGET THE ERA OF SMILES ITSELF! THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SEE IN THIS WORLD _IS THE SHEER MADNESS THAT WILL ARISE FROM THE ERA OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! FUFFUFFUFFUFFUFFUUU!"_

**-o-**

" **TO THE FOUR JAILER BEASTS OF THE UNDERWATER GAOL IMPEL DOWN!"**

All throughout the facility of Impel Down, the entirety of the staff, from the 'human' guards and the Blugori to Warden Magellan himself, were desperately scrambling to try and maintain order as Levels 1, 2 and 4 rioted furiously ,and the only reason that 3 and 5 weren't a part of the whole debacle was that the conditions of those Levels removed any will from the prisoners to fight back.

An extreme detriment to that endeavor and the root cause of the riots was that all four of the Gaol's Jailer Beasts had stopped doing their duties out of the blue in favor of bellowing skyward, and nothing that anybody did or said to them could make them stop.

Not even Sadi's training and discipline was able to get through to the Beasts. She tried, sure, but in the end, not even she was a match for the call of ingrained instinct.

**-o-**

" _AND FINALLY, TO ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THEM…_ **I suggest that you all** _ **move the hell over,"**_ Soundbite leered menacingly. "BECAUSE YOU SEE… _**THIS SNAIL JUST GOT**_ **ON YOUR LEVEL."**

My mind reeled as I processed the implications of what I was hearing. And as if his words weren't more than enough, the sheer mad _glint_ I could see in his eyes, practically _shining_ from within, spoke more than enough.

"You… Soundbite," I stammered weakly. "D-Did you just—?"

" **Awaken?"** Soundbite giggled ecstatically. " _Hell yes._ _ **And ya know what, Cross?**_ **I DON'T BLAME YOU** FOR NOT BEING MUCH _HELP BACK IN SKYPIEA. I didn't before,_ **but still. SEE, IN THE END?** _ **THE REALITY IS THAT YOU COULDN'T**_ _**have helped me figure it out…**_ " He shook his head with a nostalgic look. "BECAUSE THERE JUST _is no_ _ **figuring it out.**_ ' _Awakening'…_ **an accurate name. ONE SECOND YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE,** _ **AND THE NEXT…**_ _YOU WAKE UP FROM A DEEP SLEEP and you understand_ **everything."** He leaned his head back and basked as a chorus of trumpets blared. " _ **Ain't nothin' like it."**_

"And…" I waved my hand at the air. "The music? I didn't think you had access to…" I jerked my head to the side. "You know, _those_ records?"

"Heck," Lassoo piped up. "What the heck does this Awakening stuff mean in _general?"_

Soundbite shot a grin back at the dog-cannon. " _On the music,_ _ **I think that that BASTARD JUST CHOSE**_ **TO STEP OFF. As for everything else?** _Before, I was just_ _ **an amped up**_ **mimic and ventriloquist. NOW? WEEEELL, ADMITTEDLY I'M** _ **STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT**_ _ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES, BUT FROM what I've managed to_ PUZZLE OUT?" He grinned eagerly. " _ **Back in Loguetown, Nami called me a 'god of noise'**_ **after I got my rig. SHE WAS EXAGGERATING THEN."**

Soundbite's grin stretched wide as an [orchestra of strings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J7K3yacig4) sang to the heavens.

" _ **THAT TITLE ISN'T HYPERBOLE ANYMORE."**_

I felt almost _limp_ as I processed what I was hearing. And some part of my mind was actually registering that the trigger that brought about this Awakening, that his surpassing of this limit, was all just to save _me._ Humbled by a snail… some odd things had happened to me since I entered this world, but I was reasonably certain that this took the cake, and in a way I _liked_.

My musings may well have led to some sort of heartwarming moment, were it not for the fact that Hattori used that moment to prove that he took far more cues about restraint from Jabra than his master.

"So, you've managed to figure out a way to emit noise without using your throat." Hattori snorted as he swept his wing out. "What of it? Nothing's actually _changed_. The only _true_ gods in this world are the Celestial Dragons, and even with that traitorous princess you salvaged, your crew is so far below them as to be pitiful worms crawling in the muck below the scum. In the end, you and your powers are still nothing short of utterly _useless."_

Lassoo growled, and I felt my teeth grind together at the insult to Vivi, but we had _nothing_ on Soundbite's reaction.

" _Useless…"_ he muttered, his teeth clenched so hard they were creaking and his eyestalks drawn as low as they could go. "USELESS!? YOU WORTHLESS _FEATHER-RAT, I AM_ _ **SOUNDBITE,**_ **AND** **I AM THE LOUDEST SNAIL IN THE WORLD!** **HEAR ME** _**ROAR!"**_ Soundbite then flung his head back and—!

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅ **!"**

"GAGH!" Lassoo and I flinched and clapped our respective limbs over our ears as Soundbite howled his fury to the world. It was _literally_ painfully clear that Soundbite wasn't fully in control of his new powers yet, on account of how the very fringes of the bellow were blasting us with the compressed audio-equivalent of a live Skrillex concert.

Still, though, he had at least _some_ measure of control, on account of how while our ears were aching, the whole _world_ around us was shaking, and Hattori was drunkenly stumbling around on his talons as he clutched his head.

As fast as he'd started his audio rampage, Soundbite snapped his mouth shut and ended the din. "PUNT! _NOW!"_

"RIGHT!" I yelled louder than necessarily needed before dashing forwards, reeling my leg back and kicking the feather-rat into the wall. I _tried_ to keep running immediately after that, but I instead stumbled and had to take a second to recover before continuing to dash for the dock.

"I take it you weren't that good at soccer either, huh?" Lassoo snarked.

"I was _great_ at soccer, thank you very much!" I snapped indignantly as I kept a wary gaze over my shoulder. "That little shitstain used Iron Body, I might as well have kicked a medicine ball!"

" _JUST RUN,_ DAMN IT!"

And so indeed I ran, and soon enough I managed to reach the rear docking area of Enies Lobby. It was a simple enough place, a few cannons here and there for defense, a few stray crates obviously waiting for loading - and not a _single_ clue as to where the hell the stairs to the passageway were _damn it!_

"Soundbite, which way down?" I demanded.

" **Worry about going down later,** _ **something's coming up!"**_

I blinked at him in confusion. "Wha—?" I froze when I noticed the tilestones starting to bulge beneath my feet.

" **MOVE!"**

" _SHIT!"_ I cursed as I dove back - which, coincidentally, allowed Hattori to shoot straight above me.

"You're going to wish you hadn't done that," Hattori promised as he flapped to a halt.

"And you're about to wish you were never _born,"_ Lassoo snickered.

The pigeon paused as he blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

_**BOOM!** _

"GRRROOOOOAAAAAH!"

"GAH!" Hattori flailed in panic as the dock exploded beneath him, sending up a shower of debris and…

…well, and a _monster._

" _Meep…"_ I squeaked fearfully as I shrank back from Chopper's newly looming form. It was… pretty much exactly as Oda had depicted it: an unholy fusion of all of Chopper's forms zapped with a growth ray and ten times more straight-up _feral_ than I'd ever seen him in the entire time I'd known him. At least if he'd been amping I'd be in familiar territory, but _this!?_ This was just on a totally different scale.

And there was one detail that Oda simply _couldn't_ have gotten right, simply due to the limitations of his medium: the eyes. They were round, cyan _pits_ , deep and endless and easy to get lost in.

They were simple to read, honestly, seeing as they just held one emotion within them. One emotion I read loud and clear when he stared me dead in the eye.

_Rage._

Said rage was expressed when Chopper bellowed out and swung a keratin-fingered hand high, and I started to scramble back…

Before pausing and blinking slowly. He then turned his head to the side and started swivelling it around in order to keep track of the pigeon that was circling around his head.

"Well, now, this is a most _interesting_ development," Hattori mused. "A transformation that removes all senses of sanity? Congratulations, Cross! You get to be beaten to death by your own crewmate. Is that not—Eh?" He paused and looked at our doctor in confusion. "Wait, why is he looking at me like—WAGH!" The pigeon was forced to flap backwards when Chopper took a wild swipe at him. "Honestly!? _This_ stupid cliché!? This is _completely—DAMN!"_

"…Huh," I blinked as I watched Chopper paw after the pigeon, forcing him to retreat and frantically weave around fingers bigger than him as Chopper clambered out of the hole and started chasing after him. "I'm sort of inclined to agree, actually. I was expecting a jumbo-sized Hyde, not a jumbo-sized 'kid chasing the butterfly'."

"Yeah, you guys SUPER! overestimated this guy's new IQ."

"Eh?" I looked at the hole in shock and hastily ran over to grab Franky's free hand and haul him up to our level. Or try, at least; come on, the guy was heavy as all hell! "Good to see you're still hanging in there, Cyborg!" I nodded as I slapped him on the shoulder. "I take it you Coup de Vent'd the not-so-little guy here?"

"Yeah," Franky grunted as he cracked his neck back and forth and rolled his shoulders, all while keeping a wary eye on Chopper. "And for the record, I won't be able to use it again to get him into the sea."

"Not enough Cola?" I divined.

Franky snorted darkly. "Worse, it wouldn't actually _connect._ See, your friend may not be smart enough to speak, but he's sure got the brains he needs to _learn_. Every time I use an attack, he figures out some way to counter. Weapons Left? Dodged. Strong Right? Nearly grabbed it before I could reel it back. Fresh Fire? Guards with his hooves. And my Triangle Jackers and Master Nails techniques can't even get through that thick fur. And I just used my ace in the hole, so it looks like _that's_ out too."

"Sorry, Franky," I shrugged helplessly. "Unless divine retribution strikes him down or something, I'm fresh out of ideas."

"… _Cross?_ _ **You're not**_ **messing with us** _this time,_ **ARE YOU?"**

"Huh? No, why—?"

_SLAM!_

"…because it would appear that you-know-who has a warped sense of humor," Lassoo deadpanned.

"I knew _that_ from the day I met Soundbite," I replied with equal dryness.

The reason for our flatness was that via some grand cosmic joke—or more likely, B.R.O.B.'s childish desire for shits and giggles—a groaning Fukuro _somehow_ wound up standing on Chopper's head, which was buried face-first in the stone of the tower.

"Well, I ain't divine by any given measure of the word," Boss grunted as he dropped out of the air and landed next to us. "But I'll accept any words of thanks or prayer as they come." He glanced up at a still-orbiting Hattori. "Huh. Honestly, I should've known you'd end up matched against the pet, Cross."

"That 'pet' carved my face open like a Thanksgiving turkey!" I snapped indignantly as I pointed at the bandage on my face. "And beyond that, why the hell haven't you managed to take out blob-boy yet!?"

Boss snorted as he tapped the ashes off his cigar. "Easy: he might hit like a pansy, but that blob's as slippery as any water I've ever swam in, and he can take normal hits easily enough."

"And since _when_ do you fall under the category of 'normal'?!" I demanded.

"I've been using the Full-Shell Style for all of fifteen minutes, give me a break!" Boss shot back with a scowl.

Meanwhile, Hattori had taken roost on Fukuro's head and was giving him a flat look. "And your own power ranking is _how high_ again?"

The zipper-mouthed assassin shot a glare back at the pigeon. "That hard-backed manatee hits like a cannon while the big-mouth _you_ were fighting is a normal human. What's _your_ excuse, chapapa?"

The avian assassin twitched minutely before refocusing on us. "What say we both just focus on the present and never mention this day ever again, agreed?"

Fukuro cracked his knuckles as he mirrored the pigeon. "Fine with me, chapa."

I took a nervous step back as I moved my hand to the pocket where I was holding my baton. "Anyone got any bright ideas?"

Franky scowled in thought for a second before adopting a cocky smirk. "Well, I didn't think that I'd have to use it so soon, but it looks like it's now or never for that super upgrade I just finished. And when I say super?" He slammed his forearms together in his trademark pose. "You _damn well_ know that I mean that it's nothing short of SUPER!"

Soundbite nodded firmly as he adopted a smirk. " **You, me and the bottle makes three,** _because I just got me AN IDEA_ _ **OF MY OWN**_ **TO KICK THAT** FEATHER-RAT'S ASS!"

Boss cracked his neck back and forth as he rolled his shoulder. "Guess I'm the bottle in that scenario, which, honestly, is fine with me." He cracked a grin of his own. "Because I think I'm about set to take that tub of lard down a peg or twenty with _my_ latest finisher."

I gave my allies searching glances with more than a little urgency as Chopper started to shift around. "You guys are sure that these moves will do the trick?"

" _Positive!"_ the three chorused

"Well, that's good to hear..."

Chopper suddenly jerked his head out of the wall and turned to face us with an outraged roar, prompting Hattori and Fukuro to Shave off of him and glare at us from his flanks.

"Because I don't think we're going to get another _shot!"_ I ground out as I slammed my fist into my palm.

"Then we'll have to make it count!" Franky nodded before snapping his hand up and his wrist open. "WEAPONS LEFT!"

Chopper snapped a hand up and blocked the blast from actually hitting him, but the explosion still drew out an aggravated growl.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU OVERGROWN PIECE OF VENISON!" Franky shouted as he waved his arms over his head. "COME AND GET ME!" He then turned and ran towards the waterline as Chopper charged after him.

Fukuro raised his eyebrow at the spectacle. "Well, that's that bastard taken care of, chapapa." He then narrowed his eyes. "Still though, it might be best that I _guarantee—!"_

"Rip Tide and—!"

Fukuro hastily crossed his arms in defense as Boss appeared before him.

"Iron Body: Arbitrator!"

"Squall Pistol!"

Boss shoved his flipper into the assassin's arms. The dugong scowled as the force of the impact knocked his opponent back a bit, but not much else. "Well, now _that's_ just annoying."

"Six Powers Skill: Te-Awase Ranking." Fukuro narrowed his eyes challengingly. "Boss Dugong, Power Level Two Thousand. Impressive, and higher than me, but in the end, it's just not going to be enough."

Boss snorted defiantly. "What say we _test_ that theory?"

Fukuro shoved his face in his opponent's with a snarl. "My thoughts exactly."

And with that the two Shave/Rip Tide'd out of sight, leaving Hattori and I facing one another down.

I angled my head to the side. "You ready to finish this?"

Hattori narrowed his eyes. "You have absolutely no idea."

I flexed my fingers in my gauntlets, testing the Dial-triggers within, and pulled one arm back to grab Lassoo. "Soundbite, how about some…" I unslung my cannon and took aim. " _Appropriate music_ for the climax?

" **It would BE MY** _ **PLEASURE,"**_ the snail purred.

And with that, the air filled with three different tracks of music…

"CANI-CANNON!"

"TEMPEST WING!"

And the fight began.

[ **-o-** ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiT4aKd9JzPAhXCQCYKHU_-CHgQyCkIHjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DeJ-u8kRcrfI&usg=AFQjCNEogJtAohuAgVAAn-FD9fWTaHW2dQ&sig2=JAgbnh5PtI5v9Ax2-nXsQw&bvm=bv.133178914,d.eWE)

"You know, if somebody had told me, say, a year back that I would one day end up fighting a Zoan-Type who pushed their powers to the max and went off their nut, all for the sake of helping somebody who's not a part of my family? I'd have probably laughed in their face before tossing them into the sea to sober up."

Franky chuckled dryly as he ducked under a swipe at his head.

"Guess that goes to show I'm something of a dumbass, huh? I mean, come on, it's the Grand Line! There's no such thing as 'crazy' here except for _thinking_ that someone's crazy!"

As he jumped back from another attack, both combatants paused as music filled the air. Franky stiffened before an ecstatic grin played over his face. "Oh, man, this song feels like it's speaking to my soul! It's making me feel so… _so…"_ He slammed his forearms above his head with a roar. " _SUPE—WOAH!"_

The cyborg hastily broke out of his pose to dodge another stone-cracking swipe, and nearly lost his balance as he leapt back onto the edge of the dock. "Alright, maybe a little too super. Still…" A grin stretched over his face as he felt the seawater lap at his heels, and he raised his fists into a boxing position. "Good enough. Come and get some, furball!"

"GROOOAR!" Chopper responded, lowering his head as he began… well, not quite running, but it seemed so with his size. Franky tensed his muscles, waiting until he got close enough to pick out the individual ridges on the branches of his horns before charging forward a few steps himself and dropping into a baseball slide that just _barely_ took him under the monster's bulk, with said monster digging his hooves into the stonework and forcing himself to a halt the second he registered that he'd missed.

'Barely' in this case meaning that Franky nervously patted his pompadour to make sure it was all still there once he got back to his feet. "Ye- _ow_ that was way too close! Not doing that again anytime soon, that's for sure." He smirked confidently. "At least I've still got you right where I want you, furball. What do you have to say about _that?"_

Chopper snorted and shook his fur as he stared at his opponent dully before raising his arms into—

Franky blinked in surprise as the Monster adopted a mirror of his own boxing stance. "Huh… alright, so maybe you _are_ pretty smart." He was still for a second before grinning. "Not like it changes much, because either way?" He held his arms out to his sides, elbows at ninety degree angles and fists angled towards the sky. "It's now or never to use my _SUPER!_ upgrade!"

With that, he raised his elbows up while keeping his arms stiff. "Here we go! STROOOONG LEFT!"

Franky jerked his left arm back down to a right angle, causing a foot-and-a-half rod of metal to shoot out of his elbow.

"RIGHT!" He then repeated the motion with his right arm, causing another rod to shoot out. Finally, the cyborg braced his legs and rotated his arms downward so that his fists were pointed right at Chopper.

" _COMBOOOO!"_

And with a simple shove of willpower, the piston-rods started hammering into Franky's forearms and his fists launched out from his wrists, shooting out and retracting fast enough that they seemed to multiply, pummeling the behemoth buccaneer buck a dozen times in a second before he could even consider retaliating. He moved like a death row inmate as the firing squad ended his life, flinching and recoiling at the impacts but too dazed and in pain - and mounting exhaustion from the transformation—to retaliate.

"Let me tell you something, little guy!" Franky bellowed over the sound of metal striking flesh and bone. "Usually I'm a pretty super guy, but after listening to Straw Hat beat down on that Fox Guy? After getting the idea for this upgrade? Well, it's just too bad for you, because I'll have you know that since then, I've been feeling…"

The pistons started to pound even harder.

" _Really…"_

And they pounded _harder._

" _REAAAAALLYYYYY!"_

And just like that they accelerated into _blurs._

" _SUUUUUUPAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAAAAAAH!"_

To the Monster's credit, it actually managed to resist under the double-fisted onslaught for all of ten seconds before one of its legs lost its traction and it pitched forwards. It instinctively lashed its arms out in a desperate attempt to catch itself, and as a result left itself open to catching over a dozen high-powered shots to its body. Said shots were enough to leave the Monster reeling, gasping in an attempt to fill its newly bruised lungs with air.

Taking the opportunity for what it was, Franky retracted his left arm's piston and dashed forward, positioning himself below the pirate's falling chin. "And now, _SUPER!"_ He lashed his right fist up and caught the monster in its jaw _just_ as he activated his piston. "STRONG RIGHT UPPERCUT!"

The devastating blow blew the human-reindeer back onto his hooves, where he was left swaying and groaning in agony as he tried and failed to kickstart his rattled brain back into business.

Franky took a second to huff and get his breath back before allowing himself to chuckle as he popped his right piston back into place. "Ah, _man…_ let me tell you, that move is a _bitch_ to use. Those pistons hurt like hell when they come out, and not only does it need a full bottle of cola to get the motors chugging, but it drains more the longer I keep it running? Totally not cool. But hey," he shrugged as he popped his gut-fridge open and withdrew a spare pair of shades. "At least it makes up for it by being super. And you know that when I say super…"

Franky smirked as he slid his sunglasses onto his face, the ever-present sunlight glinting off of them.

"I mean… _SUPER."_

Franky held his pose for a second…

_**BAM!** _

"What the— _YEOW!"_

Before he was forced to dodge as _something_ shot straight through where he'd been standing a moment earlier and slammed into Chopper, causing him to sway back with a pained groan.

The cyborg snapped his head up, glasses askew as he looked around in confusion.

"What the _heck_ was that!?"

[ **-o-** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn58R385uhE)

Fist and flipper met cheek to cheek as Boss and Fukuro smashed a cross-counter into each other, the blows bouncing harmlessly off each others' Iron Bodies. Glaring, the two broke off, bounding back a bit to reassess their next moves.

' _This is ridiculous!'_ Fukuro silently raged. ' _Every blow I land on this guy just gets ignored due to that fucking Iron Body of his! Even the Solid Beast doesn't do much more than bruise him!'_

' _I can't believe this fatass has given me so much trouble,'_ Boss mentally grumbled. ' _My stronger blows don't land, and anything fast enough to connect doesn't have enough to punch through that ranking Iron Body of his.'_

Both of them came to the same conclusion simultaneously.

' _There's only one thing left to try.'_

And there was the difference between the two fighters. One was desperate, trying to find a gamble that could turn things around, the other merely trying something that only _might_ not work.

"It's time to end this," they chorused.

And with that, Boss moved first, adopting a _very_ specific stance: fists facing opposite one another and ready at his side. Fukuro, of course, recognized it immediately and burst out cackling.

"Chapapapapa!" Fukuro roared, clutching his gut as he laughed just out of Boss' usual attack radius. "You think you can use _that_ move!? Your Power Level and your skills might be impressive, but not even your crew's level of applied nonsense can do _that!_ The only way to use that is with intimate knowledge of the Six—!"

"The Iron Body is the root of it all," Boss intoned, his stance not wavering one bit as he glared dead ahead. "It teaches the body to be strong, so that it might withstand all forms of punishment and not rend itself apart. This must be brought to terms with the Paper Arts, so that one's muscles remain flexible even while staying _in-_ flexible."

"—…powers?"

"Shave comes next. It teaches swiftness, speed, so that one may act decisively and in an instant, and yet all thanks to a simple motion," Boss continued without pausing. "Moonwalk and Tempest Kick are a dual lesson: how to put one's full body into affecting the air around them, as well as how to weaponize the very air one jumps off of. Finally, Finger Pistol is not about technique, but mentality. One's whole body is put into use in the attack, all muscles are exerted in the motion, and thus to perform it, one must effectively transform their body into a weapon."

"Cha… pa?" the assassin squeaked, for once at an utter loss for words.

"Individually these techniques are all incredibly powerful, but when brought together in a single instant and a single action…" Boss clenched and unclenched the muscles in his fists in preparation. "They form a weapon of unparalleled might and destruction."

By now Fukuro's mouth resembled less a zipper and more an undone clasp. "H-How—?! Y-Y-You only had that scroll for ten minutes! You haven't even been able to use the Six Powers for _half an hour!"_

"And that was more than I needed by half," Boss scoffed. "Cross said you and your pals have spent your whole lives learning these Arts and how to kill. Not bad. Me? I've spent and _dedicated_ my life to learning how to _learn._ You can concentrate on mastering the one art all you want, but at the end of the day?" The dugong grit his teeth fiercely. "I am the one _who will master them all._ And mind you, that's not a boast…" The master martial-artist's gaze sharpened. "But my Man's _Dream_."

"But!" Boss lowered his head with a chuckle. "I digress. That dream… is a dream for the future. For now, however…" He drew his fists back and tensed.

Refusing to wait so much as a second longer, Fukuro Shaved at him with all the speed he could muster and rained holy hell down on his head, blow after blow smashing against the dugong's body to no avail. Boss merely closed his eyes as he weathered the strikes, his mind casting back into his own river of time.

' _Finally… After all these years… I've started to become worthy of you…'_ Memories drifted unbidden to the dugong's conscious mind as he concentrated. Memories that reflected who he was, and what he'd accomplished. ' _I've finally started on the road to follow you, Sifu…'_

**-45 Years Ago-**

It was an average day on the shores of Alabasta. Flat-bottomed barges plied the Sandora, transporting goods up and down the great artery of the desert kingdom. Out at sea, ships from single-mast pinnaces to four-masted galleons plied the coastal waters, jockeying for Nanohana or heading to other ports.

However, the focus at the moment is not on the vessels out at sea, but rather further up the length of the Sandora River, where a group of young Kung Fu Dugong pups were waddling along the sands as they ventured into territories where their parents had _explicitly_ told them not to venture.

There were three of them, in all: the one on the left had a somewhat grouchy, stoic look on his face, the one on the right a calm countenance, and the one in the middle who was leading them bore a bold grin on his face and a somewhat oversized camo bandanna around his forehead. The one thing that all of them shared, however, was the air of eagerness about them.

[So, Rookie,] the calm one on the right said, giving their leader a sidelong grin. [We going anywhere specific today?]

[Betcha we're just wandering around again,] the grouch on the left rolled his eyes with a scoff.

[Psh, c'mon, Apprentice, don't be like that!] Rookie laughed as he elbowed his friend on his left before smiling to his right. [And to answer, Neophyte, I'll have you know that Apprentice is actually right! We don't have a destination set for today's venture, and why should we?] Rookie jumped in front of the Sandora River and struck a pose, flipper raised high in the air. [After all, while journeys with destinations are great and all, it's the ones without that are even better, because then it's all up to fate!]

He then crossed his arms and grinned a cocksure grin at his friends. [And no matter the dangers that arise, we'll face them head on and come out as champs because we are Kung Fu Dugongs, and we don't run away from _anything!_ Right, guys?]

[Right!] Neophyte nodded firmly.

[That's for damn sure,] Apprentice allowed himself a smirk.

[LUUUUUNCH!] the Sandora Lizard that burst from one of the nearby dunes bellowed before charging at them.

The pups stared at the giga-lizard in shock for a moment…

[RUN AWAY!]

Until Rookie screamed at the top of his lungs and leapt into the river, with Neophyte right behind him.

Apprentice glanced after them for a second before shaking his head and directing a glare at the tyrant lizard, falling into one of the stances he remembered from watching the older dugongs. [Bring it on,] he muttered beneath his breath.

The lizard rushed closer and closer, and the Dugong was _just_ about able to smell the absolutely rancid stench of it's breath…

[Well, now.]

_CRUNCH!_

When suddenly the lizard was brought to a dead halt by a massive blow cracking into its skull, leaving a deep canyon in its forehead.

Apprentice gaped in shock as the one responsible for saving his life—bravado aside, he knew that the beast posed a very real danger to him—landed in front of him. It was an adult Dugong, older than any that he'd seen in his life and armed with nothing but a bamboo pole. But as he turned back to lock eyes with Apprentice, the younger Dugong felt cowed; the look in his eyes was enough on its own to show that he had lived in a way that he and his friends had only dreamed of.

[It's obvious that you've got more guts than a shark full of chum. But guts aren't enough to be able to fight against an opponent like that, especially for an unarmed pup.]

Apprentice felt stirrings of annoyance from the designation, but his incredulity beat them down with ease. [You… Who are you? You're not from the tribe.]

The old dugong chuckled. [Actually, I am. I've just been out and about for a long while and I've only just gotten back today is all. Call me…] the elder dugong glanced upwards thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. [Eh, 'Sifu' Dugong, why not. It's as good a name as any.]

Apprentice took in the dugong's nonchalant attitude after doing something so incredible as killing a Sandora Dragon, one of the most frightening beasts he knew of, with one hit and no effort. [Sifu… how strong are you?]

A glint appeared in the Dugong's eye, and his mouth turned upwards in a grin. [I was once called 'Boss,' but I passed that title on when I left to travel, and see what more the world had to offer for me. And it's been very rewarding.]

Apprentice stared at him. This was the embodiment of everything that Rookie kept going on about, and at the same time, it was the embodiment of what he was looking for. One stupid act had brought him face-to-face with what he knew he wanted out of life. And so it was that he bowed down in the sand towards the Dugong he had met barely a minute ago.

[I would learn all that you have to show me, Sifu,] Apprentice stated. [I am Apprentice Dugong, but if you will take me as your student, I will adopt the name Disciple Dugong from this day on.]

[Hmm. Gutsy and eager.] The elder dugong hummed thoughtfully, then shrugged. [Eh, what the hell. I've got nothing better to do. If that's what you so desire, stand up, Disciple, and follow me.]

With nary a thought to his friends, the newly dubbed Disciple followed Sifu into the desert, not complaining as their path directed towards the Sandora Mountains. For a good long while, neither spoke. Then, at last, Sifu broke his stride along with the silence.

[Normally I would start your training from the beginning and teach you from the basics up, but it seems to me that you're a pretty bright pup, so I'll give you the benefit of a doubt and raise the level a bit. Now…] The wizened dugong tapped his pole against the sheer rock-face they were standing in front of. [Punch this cliff in half.]

Disciple Dugong slowly turned his head to stare up at the cliff in naked shock. He observed it in silence for a few seconds before sobering his expression and cracking his neck to the side. [Right away, Sifu.]

The old master's muzzle slowly split into an eager grin.

**~o~**

[Your endurance will be put to the test here. Today, we will be traveling the coastline to Nanohana.]

Disciple nodded in acceptance.

[The long way, of course, stretching through the territories where pirates so often prowl.]

Disciple fell motionless for several seconds before nodding again, earning another grin from the old master.

**~o~**

[This should help significantly in building your reflexes. Economize your movements, or you'll only be stung more.]

This time, Disciple couldn't fully suppress his nervousness. Understandable, given that his teacher had bound him in chains, hung him from a tree branch, and was holding his pole beside a wasp's nest on the same branch. Regardless, wincing, the Dugong nodded again.

Sifu grinned anew as he struck the nest, moving towards the river a moment later for cover.

**~o~**

[Now… there's an old stone tower with a fountain on top of it at the peak of Mount Sinai. Take this bottle, climb up there, fill it, and bring it back so that I can drink it.]

Disciple took the bottle from his master, noting with no surprise at this point that it was made of glass. He'd wager if asked that his master blew the sand to form it himself.

[Yes, Sifu,] Disciple nodded with no less confidence than he felt; the past eight months had been more rewarding than the years leading up to it.

But he always found the best reward to be the way his teacher's face lit up whenever he accepted a challenge, and that day was no exception.

**~o~**

[B-But, Sifu, sir, I'm begging you! W-What about what you've learned from the places you've been over the years!?] Disciple protested desperately. [Surely, in all of your travels—!]

[You've learned all of the basics that I have to teach, my faithful disciple,] Sifu replied airily as he stared out to sea. [What I have learned in the sea is for me and me alone. The rest… only you can find it. You must form it on your own. Surely you have your own dream by now, no?]

Disciple grit his teeth in an effort to stay silent, before finally pitching forwards and kneeling in the sand. [Sifu… after all this time… _you_ are my dream! To become as great a warrior as you, as great a _man_ as you! All these years, that has been my only—!]

[Then that will be enough.]

Disciple snapped his head up and blinked through his tears. [Sifu?]

The elderly dugong smiled kindly as he placed a flipper upon his student's shoulder. [I will venture out into this world, and continue to learn, and when you are ready, I expect that you will do the same. And when you do, seek not to follow my path, but rather your own path. For though the road may be long and winding, I have faith that we shall cross again in the future. And the next time we meet… we shall see where you stand on the path to your dream. We shall see if the student has surpassed the teacher.]

Disciple scrunched his eyes shut miserably as he fought to hold back his tears, but bowed in acceptance nevertheless. [Yes, Sifu.]

He forced his eyes open, and imprinted the proud grin he had grown to see as his greatest reward to in his mind. Then the bamboo-wielder leapt into the ocean and disappeared.

He never returned.

**~o~**

Disciple spun the woven seaweed of his rope-dart in his flippers, looking with determination at the polearm-wielding Dugongs across from him.

[Come on, Disciple, you're the one who asked for a two-on-one fight,] Chief called out as he thumbed his camo headband. [Sure you're not biting off more than you can chew?]

Disciple snorted as he gave his old friends a confident smirk. [I've got a big stomach. Hit me with your best shot!]

Lancer scoffed as he lowered his spear at him. [Your funeral, partner.]

And with that, they launched into the mother of all duels. It was incredible, it was awe-inspiring, Disciple managed to keep neck and neck with them both… but in the end the fight ended with both Chief and Lancer's spears resting at his neck.

[Damn…] Disciple bemoaned miserably.

[Eh, don't beat yourself up, you almost had us, there,] Lancer drawled as he withdrew his weapon. [You've got a lot of strength there.]

[No kidding!] Chief grinned as he rolled his muscles. [We'll have to do this again sometime, that was fun!]

Disciple sighed, but grinned wistfully, nodding in response to the challenge. [I'll manage it someday soon, you can count on it.]

They exchanged smirks and fistbumps before the other two dugongs dove into the river and swam off, leaving Disciple alone. And the second that his friends were out of sight, he turned around and smashed his flipper into the rock face behind him.

He scowled ferociously as the resulting crack only reached halfway to the top.

[Damn… still a ways to go…] he sighed.

**~o~**

[And… just who are you four supposed to be?] Disciple regarded the quartet of pups before him dryly.

[I'm Leo, the leader!]

[I'm Mikey, the funny guy!]

[I'm Raphey, the tough one!]

[And I'm Donny, the one who picked all the names! _And together, we are—!]_

[The Mega Duper Super—!]

[Mikey's Mega Kickass—!]

[The Epicly Incredible—!]

There was a moment of silence, and then Disciple felt his eyebrow twitch irritably as the four huddled up and started whispering with one another. Soon enough, however, they split up and lined up before him.

[OK, so we're still working on the group name… but we can all agree on the reason that we're here, at least!] Leo said.

In near-perfect unison, the four of them bowed to him. [You're the most badass Dugong in Alabasta, please train us!] they requested.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow flatly. [And… why should I?]

[PLEASE!] Mikey broke formation and fell on his 'knees' as he pleaded desperately. [You're our last hope!]

[Mikey!] Raphey snapped irritably.

[He's not wrong though…] Donny bemoaned.

[We've already tried all the other masters,] Leo explained. [But nobody will take on all four of us at once. We know it's stupid and we're not really related by blood, but…] The four exchanged solemn looks. [It's always been us four, for as long as we can remember, us against the world. We have to train together, it's our only option. So… please…]

All four bowed their heads as one. [Please train us!]

Disciple regarded the pups emotionlessly for a minute… before looking away with a weary sigh. [Well, if this is what you _really_ want, then so be it. I shall train you as my master trained me.]

The young pups grinned ecstatically and started exchanging high fives with one another.

[Now!] Disciple barked, snapping them out of their celebration as he snapped a flipper out and pointed to his side. [Your first training task: Punch that cliff in half!]

The dugong heaved a weary sigh as his new students were suddenly paralyzed in shock.

[We've got a _long_ road ahead of us…]

**~o~**

[Alright, pups!] Disciple barked to his students, who were all wobbling sleepily. [This is your _second_ training task.]

His flipper snapped out, revealing a small, silvery fish to be wriggling in his palm.

[These are the chief's favorite fish for when he's training,] Disciple explained. [Your task will be to assist me in delivering them for his breakfast.]

Donny—where they'd gotten those names or those colored bandannas, he had no idea, but at least it made differentiating them a little easier—raised a flipper.

[Yes, Donny?]

[This is going to be nowhere _near_ as easy as it seems, is it?]

[Very perceptive!] Disciple stated. [Yes, there is a catch: the chief likes to train in the high altitudes of the Sandora mountains.]

For a moment, there was silence.

[The Sandora Mountains,] Leo clarified, his brow twitching furiously. [The Sandora Mountains that feed the Sandora River. The Sandora Mountains that are a good _hundred miles away_ and are the _breeding grounds_ for the biggest, meanest Bananagators in _all_ of Alabasta _._ Those Sandora Mountains.]

[Yes, which is why as soon as you catch your fish, we'll be going,] Disciple stated. When his students didn't move, he turned a glare on them. [That means _now,_ softshells!]

As his students frantically dove into the river, Disciple turned contemplative. [Maybe I should tell them about the cataracts,] he mused. [Or the inland delta with the Accelegators and the mud. Or that ornery old Catfish up the waterfall.] After a moment of thought, he shrugged. [Eh, it'll be a good experience for them.]

**~o~**

[Alright, students,] Disciple announced. [This time we'll be doing reflex training.]

[Then… _why_ are you tying us to this tree?] Raphey asked.

[No clue, but look on the bright side: At least we can get honey from those bees afterward,] Mikey pointed out, not noticing his fellow students stiffening in horrified realization.

[Don't worry, all will be made clear in a moment,] Disciple said as he waddled up to the buzzing beehive. Gingerly reaching up, he gave the honeycomb a solid whack—and immediately made a leaping dive into the river.

[YAAAAAAARGH! BEEEEEEEEEEES!]

[Economize your movements, or you'll only get stung more!] Disciple called out as his students frantically tried to avoid the bees. [And above all else, remember to work together!]

Raphey and Mikey chose that exact moment to slam face-first into one another in their panic and knock each other out.

[What part of ' _work together'_ are you failing to understand, dagnabbit!?]

[Core—OW!—concept, I think, sir!] Donny yelped.

[Ergh…] Disciple bemoaned as he ground the heel of his flipper into his forehead.

**~o~**

Disciple huffed heavily as he stood on the skull of a concussed Sandora Catfish, scowling darkly as he ran his thoughts over in his head. The Catfish he'd just taken down was _supposed_ to be the day's assignment for his students, a mile-marker for them. They were supposed to work together, they were _supposed_ to take it down with ease, but instead…

Disciple glanced over his shoulder at the coastline, where his students were wait-no, _bickering,_ at the coastline where three of his students were _bickering_ with one another, while the fourth—

[I'm still alive, in case anyone cares…] Mikey groaned through his bruises as he raised a shaky flipper.

He received another fist to his face as way of response. [The only reason I 'care' is that it means I need to try harder to beat your face in, you damn idiot!] Raphey raged irately.

[Hey, back off, you damn berserker!] Leo shoved her back as he snarled in her face. [Mikey was just kidding around, we wouldn't have gotten into that damn mess in the first place if you hadn't gone off the handle!]

[Thanks, Leo…]

[Shut it, Mikey,] the blue-bandanna'd dugong snapped. [I'm still pissed at you and I'll get to you in a second, but only _after_ I'm through with this nutjob!]

[Bring it the hell on, you big-headed bastard!] Raphey butted her head against his.

[Come on guys, quit it, there's no need to—!]

[STAY OUT OF IT, DONNY!] the two paired snapped a vicious snarl at him.

The purple-wearing Dugong flinched back fearfully before shooting a fearful look at Disciple. [Master, could you _please_ help me stop them? If they keep—! Going…?] Donny trailed off in confusion as he realized that his master wasn't on the Catfish anymore. A quick look around revealed that Disciple was—

[Master, where are you going?] Donny asked, drawing the other three away from their quarreling to notice that their teacher was leaving, an air of depression about him.

[Leaving,] Disciple called back emotionlessly.

Donny flinched slightly at the tone. [Ah… a-alright, then, when are we going to meet again for more-?]

[We won't be,] Disciple cut him off sternly. [I'm done teaching you. Find a new master.]

[EH!?] The quartet yelped in shock.

[Master, no!]

[This can't be happening!]

[I'm sorry, I'll stop making puns, I swear!]

[Master, we apologize sincerely, and we realize it looks like we're pretty damn hopeless, but—!]

[Wrong,] Disciple snapped again. [You're not the hopeless ones here,] the dugong clenched his flippers and bowed his head. [I am.]

All four looked after him in shock.

[You four are excellent warriors, I don't doubt any of the potential you show for even a second. You're all fine students, so the only reason for you not to be making any progress here, through the training that my Sifu gave me, the methods I trained through…] Disciple grit his teeth grimly. [Is that I'm not properly doing my job of instructing you, of helping you to become the best warriors you can possibly be.]

The dugong shook his head solemnly. [I failed my Sifu, and I failed you. I'm sorry that I wasted your time.]

Before any of the quartet could say anything further, he dove into the water and swam off.

**~o~**

The next morning found Disciple going about his daily routine as the rays of the sunrise woke him up.

He grabbed some dried salmon from his stash, he polished his shell, lit a new cigar, combed through the braided seaweed of his rope-dart for any parasites that might have taken root in the night and he was _about_ to stride into the surf for his daily morning swim…

When his routine was rudely interrupted by his tripping over something that hadn't been there the night before.

Once he recovered from his impromptu faceplant, Disciple was able to swiftly identify the reason behind the disruption of his routine: namely, a quartet of Dugong pups who were all passed out on what amounted to his front porch.

Disciple stared at the sleeping forms of his _ex-_ students for a moment before scowling darkly. He opened his muzzle to start to chew them out… before pausing in confusion as the off-beat lapping of the waves hit his ears.

The older dugong turned on his tail and promptly froze in utter shock, and for good reason too. After all, it wasn't every day that one bore witness to the sight of the surface of the Sandora River being covered from shore to shore with _dozens_ of pummeled Sandora Catfish.

Disciple observed the minor Sea Kings' insensate forms for a moment before turning his attention back to his students. Without the haze of anger clouding his vision, he was able to notice that they weren't _only_ sleeping on his turf, but rather they were sleeping off a rather impressive array of injuries.

Injuries that synched up with, say, taking on a horde of carnivorous fish ten times their own size.

Disciple was silent for a few minutes longer before scratching the back of his head with a sigh. [Ahhh, geeze… of all the things I _had_ to succeed at teaching and it was _this?]_ He kept his head bowed a moment longer before allowing a smirk to tug at his muzzle. [Tch… oh, what the hell. If this is what they _really_ want…]

With that, Disciple brought his flipper to his lips and _whistled,_ prompting his students to jerk awake with cries of shock.

[AT _EEEEN-_ HUT!] Disciple barked imperiously, prompting his students to snap to attention before they were fully awake.

Leo blinked blearily as he tried to get his mind in working order. [What the—?]

[WELL!] Disciple roared, causing his students to jump anew before flinching back as they realized just what kind of a position they were in. They then cowered as Disciple pinned them all with a chilling glare and started pacing back and forth grimly. [You all defied my refusal to continue training you, went up against impossible odds, and only _just_ managed to erk out a victory, all for the sake of impressing me. Did I get all that right?]

The four exchanged nervous glances before nodding hesitantly. [Yes, Master…]

Disciple was silent for a moment before snorting heavily. [This little stunt of yours tells me two things. First?] The teacher shot his students a cocky smirk. [That I'm obviously doing something _right_ where your training is concerned, so I guess I might as well continue your training.]

The quartet promptly adopted euphoric grins and started cheering as they exchanged victorious high-fives and chest-bumps.

[Second!] Disciple forged onwards. [It's _equally_ obvious that I have been severely underestimating your capabilities, and as such I will be adjusting your training appropriately. In short… weeell, I suggest that you all catch what sleep you can.] He adopted a vicious smirk. [Because in six hours, we're running a raid on the Bananagator's Nest, and there's _nothing_ they love more than the smell of Catfish blood.]

The four pups froze as expressions of utter horror washed over their faces… before their eyes rolled up in their heads and they collapsed backwards.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow at them for a second before snickering and grinding the butt of his cigar between his teeth. [Heh. Buncha wimpy-ass anchovies.]

**~o~**

[Go with them.]

[Eh?] Disciple blinked over his shoulder in confusion, his contemplation of the sea broken by none of other than Chief Dugong, who was standing behind him and smiling his usual happy-go-lucky smile. [What are you—?]

[Go with the Straw Hats,] Chief Dugong re-emphasized with a chuckle. [You have my blessing. Go with them, go out to sea and chase your dreams. Show the world the true might of the Kung Fu Dugongs…] Chief's smile widened prominently. [ _Boss_ Dugong.]

Disciple started in shock. [Bo—!? What!? C-Chief, Boss is a name reserved for only the strongest of Dugongs, f-for our leader, and that's—!]

[You,] Chief cut Disciple off flatly. [It's always been you, from day one. I might be a happy-go-lucky fellow, sure, but do you really think that neither I nor Lancer Dugong couldn't tell? You think we didn't know sandbagging when we saw it?]

Disciple flinched and looked away hesitantly. [Well, I…]

Chief chuckled lightly as he clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. [You've always been the strongest, you've always been our chief… but we knew that wasn't what you wanted. You didn't want to lead, you wanted to learn and grow so I let it slide up until now. And now… now I'm doing what's right. So here,] Chief reached up, undid his bandanna and held it out to Disciple. [Take it.]

Disciple stared at the camo cloth in shock. [C-chief, that's—!]

[My prized possession, yes.] Chief confirmed solemnly. [I want you to take it. Take my bandanna and my title, _your_ rightful title, and take with you the pride of all Kung Fu Dugongs in the process. Take it all… and show the world who we really are. Show them all who _you_ really are. Chase your dream… and fulfill it before the eyes of the world.]

Disciple stared at his friend in shock for a second before slowly taking the bandanna from him and staring at it numbly. [I… I don't know what to say…]

[That would be 'yes.']

The other Dugong swallowed heavily at that… before finally raising it and tying it around his head. [Thank you…] Boss Dugong whispered reverently.

[Thank me by becoming the best of us there ever was or will be,] Chief stated as he clapped his friend's shoulder before adopting a smirk. [And by taking those hellions of yours with you, so that I'm not forced to watch them every waking moment to keep them from jumping ship. Got it?]

Boss barked out a teary laugh as he snapped out a salute. [Yes, _sir!]_

**-Present-**

Boss allowed himself a slight smile as he cracked his eyes open, returning to the present. "Six Arts made by Six Kings…" he whispered.

"D-Damn you…" Fukuro huffed from exertion as he reared his fist back. "TAKE THIS! SOLID BEAST!"

The punch slammed into Boss' muzzle—and unlike the last time the attack had actually landed, the dugong didn't budge a single _centimeter_.

"Six Arts made by Six Kings, each King ruling over a grand ocean as wide and deep as the sky. Six Oceans that form the world: East Blue, North Blue—"

Only… it was more than him just staying in place. Dimly, Fukuro became aware that his hands actually hurt from punching the Dugong. Hurt enough that he was getting a Power Level reading. A Power Level reading that he dearly, dearly hoped was a mistake. Because there was no way the animal could have leaped from a notch below Jabra and Kaku to pushing _Rob Lucci._

"—West Blue, South Blue—"

But if there was one thing, above all else, that had been pounded into him by his training, it was this: Power Levels didn't lie.

"SHAVE!" Fukuro frantically yelped, blurring away as fast as his legs could push him.

"Paradise…"

A hum, and Fukuro hastily clamped on the brakes as Boss appeared _right in front of him_.

"And New World."

Sadly for the assassin, it was too little too late, and as his momentum carried him forwards against his will, Fukuro hastily packed on the hardest Iron Body he was physically capable of before he slid into Boss' outstretched fists.

"Full-Shell Style: Six Oceans Gun."

Said Iron Body shattered like so much glass beneath the sheer and utter _force_ that crunched into his gut, knocking him unconcious in an instant.

The force was, in fact, so strong that it then sent the rotund assassin flying back like a cannonball, following which he slammed-

"YEOW!"

Right into Chopper's stunned form.

Boss huffed and puffed as he watched Fukuro bounce onto the dock, taking a moment to catch his breath.

Once he was sure that his opponent was truly down and out and that the full-body ache from the half-powered attack had gone down, he lashed his fist out and slammed a backhanded punch into the wall of the Tower of Justice. He held the pose for a second before allowing himself to glance up. He promptly adopted a smirk in response to what he saw.

"What the heck was _that!?"_ Franky shouted at him in shock.

Boss chuckled to himself as he bowed his head, turning his back on the newly formed crack that ran up the entire bottom half of the split tower.

"That, my friend," he announced proudly as he puffed on his cigar. "Was me finally starting to make good on a promise."

Before anything further could be said, the world suddenly fell... silent.

Boss glanced up in confusion. He opened his mouth to say something-

And then the very world seemed to _roar._

[ **-o-** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vas_vlDjkMk)

[Fighting Hattori was both easier and harder on the Tower's sea landing than in the stairwell. Easier, because I had more room to maneuver and could aim properly with Lassoo, forcing Hattori to stick to ranged attacks lest he be turned into roast pigeon by time-fused baseballs. Harder, on the other hand, because the _exact same thing_ applied to Hattori. He was ducking and weaving and barrell rolling around the exploding baseballs like a pro and I had yet to land an actual _hit_ on him yet.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vas_vlDjkMk)

In other words, we were at a stalemate. The real loser of the battle was the masonry around us, which we were abusing like… like… oh hell, I don't know, something mildly offensive. I was tired as all hell and _sick of this damn fight_ , I didn't have time for quips!

"Hey, birdbrain!" I called up as I dodged out of the way of yet _another_ Tempest Wing and retaliated with a Cani-Blaze. "I'm getting _real_ sick of this here pissing contest! What do you say we finish this off like true and proper _men?"_

"Two final ultimate attacks launched at the same time?" Hattori called down.

"Strongest takes all," I confirmed as I raised my cannon.

"Very well, Cross," Hattori declared with a nod as he flapped to a halt. "I accept your challenge!" And with that, he wheeled around and started flying off into the distance.

"What's he doing?" I muttered, before jerking in shock as a visible sheen came over his wings. Then he started _spinning_. "Ooooh that can't be good…" I whispered before giving Soundbite a hesitant look. "How good would you say this so-called surefire move of yours is?"

" **Put it this way…"** Soundbite leaned his head to the side with a smirk. " _You're gonna wanna_ _ **take a knee."**_

Lassoo and I exchanged wary glances, but I complied nonetheless and did as Soundbite ordered before raising Lassoo to aim at the bird. "Now what?"

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut in concentration. "LASSOO, _you need to time_ **your bomb to go off** _ **a foot in front of the RAT.**_ **CAN YOU DO THAT?"**

"Yeah, but he'll just dodge again," Lassoo warned him.

" _THE HELL HE WILL._ _ **DO IT."**_

"If you say so…" the dog grunted wearily.

I gritted my teeth nervously as I watched the cyclone of _death_ that Hattori had become rocket ever closer. "Soundbite…"

" **Hattori was wrong earlier,** _ **you know?"**_ Soundbite replied calmly. " _ **I DON'T JUST**_ _PROJECT MY VOICE._ RATHER… IT'S LIKE I HAVE CONTROL _of the world's mixer board."_

" _Soundbite,"_ I stressed as the killer bird shot closer.

"I CAN TELL **that you're confused. THAT'S FAIR.** _ **JUST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION:**_ _When is a sound at its utter loudest?"_

I opened my mouth to tell my snail to stop _screwing around—!_ … and then I found that I couldn't.

In fact, I found that I couldn't say _anything_ at all. Say _or_ hear, for that matter. No matter how much I strained my ears, no matter what I tried, the world was…

"A SOUND IS AT ITS LOUDEST…" Soundbite opened his eyes and regarded Hattori with a firm glare. " **WHEN IT OCCURS IN UTTER SILENCE.** _ **FIRE."**_

I promptly complied, pulling Lassoo's trigger and blasting a baseball bomb at our ever-approaching enemy.

" **In the land of silence,"** Soundbite scrunched his eyestalks shut and bowed them as he whispered.

A foot away from the cyclone that was Hattori, the bomb detonated in a blast of smoke and fire.

" **He who has a voice."**

Hattori ducked up and over the blast, avoiding it entirely.

" **Is GOD!"** Soundbite snapped his eyestalks up with a furious glare. " **GASTRO-CANI-COMBO:** _ **BASS CANNON!"**_

And before the pigeon could react, the _sound_ of the explosion smashed into him like a freight train, slapping him out of the air like the hand of God itself.

It was… awe-inspiring really. Even without being in the direct line of the attack, the sheer volume was enough that it felt like the whole world were exploding at once. And Hattori wasn't the only one struck either, because a wave of noise _also_ smashed into Chopper and Fukuro, blasting them into the water.

And then, as swift as it started, the noise ended and all that was left was the crashing of the waves and a slight ringing in our ears.

The moment of peace was broken by Hattori's limp and bloodied form slamming into the dock.

Soundbite preened proudly. " **Am I badass** _ **or what?"**_

I promptly got my wits back and shot a victorious grin at him. "You just polarized the volumes of that explosion and the world so that the explosion would be loud enough to hit like a physical _force!_ That is _so_ badass!"

"The most badass of _all!"_ Lassoo howled.

" **THANK YOU,** _thank you!"_ Soundbite bowed his head proudly.

Franky gaped in awe for a moment before getting back the wherewithal to cackle. " _Damn,_ but that is one _SUPER!_ snail!"

"Psh," Boss scoffed as he ground the heel of his palm into his forehead, barely hiding hte smile he was sporting. "Speak for yourself, you don't have to live with him. He's going to be so _insufferable…"_

_That_ got my attention, and I goggled at the dugong in shock. "What the hell are you still doing here!?"

"Eh?" Boss blinked at me in confusion. "What are you—?"

"We have an _anchor_ sinking! _Move,_ Boss, _MOVE!"_

"SHIT!" the Dugong cursed furiously before diving into the water.

"And you!" I snapped at Franky as I jogged over to him. "Bottle of Cola, now!"

"What!?" Franky scoffed incredulously. "What do I look like to you, a walking fridge?!"

I gave him a flat look as I jabbed a finger into his abdominals. "Honestly? Yes. More specifically," I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "You look like someone with an available beverage with which I can clear my snail's _flour-clogged_ gullet. Look, he just needs a mouthful to gargle, so hand it over, alright?"

Franky rolled his eyes with an aggravated growl as he popped his gut open and took out his last remaining bottle, causing his pompadour to droop. "Fine. But for the record, I don't like the idea of backwash, got it?"

" _Trust me, THIS IS AS_ PLEASANT FOR ME **as it is for you,"** Soundbite assured him as I stuck the bottle between his teeth and took in a mouthful.

"Whatever you say. So, anyways," Franky turned his attention to the Bridge off in the distance. "Mind if I ask you a question while we wait for Boss?"

"You just did," I smirked.

"Tsk, smartass. Anyways, you got an idea for how we're getting off this rock?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand casually. "An idea, yeah. You'll see."

"Not gonna specify, huh? Lemme guess, then…" Franky smirked as he pointed at the bridge. "We'll be pulling some turnabout and commandeering one of those battleships over there, aren't we?"

I chuckled. "Well, maybe we'll do that as a backup, and we'll certainly have to try raiding the—BATTLESHIPS?!" I howled as I snapped my _full_ attention to the Bridge for the first time.

" _ **PFFFFFT!"**_

"YEOW, WATCH THE COLA, DAMN IT!"

I pointedly ignored the cyborg in favor of staring at not one, but _two_ separate Battleships flanking the Bridge of Hesitation.

Usopp hadn't reported the Gates opening, and they sure the hell didn't open while we were approaching… which meant that they'd been there since before we'd arrived.

And that… that could only mean one thing.

"There are reinforcements waiting on the Bridge…" I whispered in horror. " _Shit."_

**-o-**

"This… isn't good," Su summarized weakly as she cowered behind her partner's back.

The sentiment was one that was shared by all members of the extraction team on the Bridge of Hesitation, on account of the opponents they were currently facing.

Not the mob of Marine soldiers before them, no, they could have handled them with relative ease.

Rather… the issue at the moment was the pair of figures who were _leading_ the Marines, and standing right in between them and their crewmate.

"Hmph," a large, heavyset, practically _ape-like_ Marine grunted as he cocked the rifle he was carrying, holding it with a precision and subtlety that his frame belied. "So, the pirates actually managed to reach us. How unfortunate. I'd hoped that we'd have been able to accomplish this mission without bloodshed."

"As if their presence makes a difference, _KAPOW!"_ The other Marine, a relatively fit man wearing a flamboyant headpiece and goggles, cried as he struck a pose. "We are the heroes of Justice, PCHOO! And they are the villainous pirates, BLAM! We'll beat them and walk away scott free, it's only natural, _WABAM!"_ The goggle-wearer then brought his arms up defensively, his forearms starting to spin into blurs. "Are you ready, Captain Gorilla, VROOM!?"

The animal-ish Captain snorted as he levelled his rifle at the pirates. "I said I 'hoped' we wouldn't get into a fight, Captain Sharinguru. Don't take that to mean that I'm neglectful."

"HAHAHA! THAT'S RIGHT! GORILLA, SHARINGURU, CHARGE! GET THEM!" Spandam yelled joyfully as he continued dragging a furiously resisting Robin down the bridge, flanked by a number of shield-toting soldiers to guard him from the sniper that had been bombarding them from the Tower of Justice. " _SHOW THEM THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE MARINES! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Vivi and Conis took a second to digest their situation before exchanging panicked glances.

" _Shit."_

**Cross-Brain AN: September 19th again. A full year has now passed. Happy birthday to** _**This Bites!** _ **, and happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day as well. Yes, loyal fans, believe it or not, this story's birthday is the same as that holiday. Unintentional, but hey, now you have every reason to celebrate it from now on!**


	11. Chapter 11

### Chapter 44: Chapter 41: Battle For The Bridge! Straw Hats United Once More!

### Chapter Text

**Patient AN: Aiming for a massive word count is all well and good, but this was just getting silly. Seriously, loyal fans, at the rate we were going, we were likely to hit 50,000 words, and though Ego thought it would be a good reward for your** _ **patience**_ **to do that, I pointed out that you may not have the** _ **patience**_ **to read through such a monster. So, nothing for it but to give you this, and leave you with another trademark of the Cross-Brain.**

**Xomniac AN: Our supremely sadistic beyond all reason cliffhangers that leave you salivating for more and more. Plus it gives us an extra payday, of course. :D**

**And hey, we're sorry for the scare earlier, but surely you'll forgive us, right? Because… we're brilliant. XD**

**Patient AN: Brilliant trolls, that is. Though it seems we may have to step up our game in the future…**

**UPDATED Xomniac AN: Blah, no one took the bait. We're off our game XP**

" _Tow, tow, tow your boat, gently 'cross the maelstroms—"_

"'Gently' my ass!" I moaned as I held on for dear life to the side of the rowboat. Damn it, I hadn't been seasick once in the past six months, I was _not_ going to break my streak— _hurp!—_ now!

_SPLASH!_

"Ergh…" Even _if_ the damn thing was moving faster than any rowboat was ever meant to go…

"Aww, what's wrong, Cross, got a weak stomach?" Lassoo chuckled as he leered over my shoulder.

"I've got some motion-sickness medicine if you want it!" Chopper offered, before lowering his hoof with a hesitant look over his shoulder. "Though… all of this motion might have made it unstable…"

"NICE CATCH- _22,_ _ **doc!"**_

"So there's a design flaw, sue me!"

"Well, if you're gonna ralph, normally I'd recommend you doing it over the edge." Franky grimaced as he glanced at the waters frothing below us. "But honestly, given how fast these things are moving, that might not be the best of ideas. What goes around comes around and all that, ya know?"

"If I get puke in my face, then you're _all_ going for a swim!" Boss barked indignantly over his shoulder as he all but dug through the maelstroms' savage waters. "And would the rest of you _cram it_ _already!?_ This is a lot more complicated than just bull-rushing through the water, I need to _concentrate_ to keep us from getting sucked under, damn it!"

"My sincerest apologies…" I moaned miserably as I clutched at my stomach. "I'll try and stay _quiet_ as my gut crawls out of my mouth…"

"Much appreciated! Now, hang on, we've got a bit one comin' right at us!"

I hastily clamped down on the boat's edge as we went over yet another wave. Damn it, it was one thing to go through rough weather on a tub as big and strong as Merry, but in a boat _this_ small, the effect was way— _urp!_

Ugh, how the hell did I get in this mess in the first place…

Oh, right, it was _my_ idea.

**-Flashback-**

"So." Franky cocked an eyebrow as he watched Boss pump the last of the water out of Chopper. "How long do we have until Doc Monster—?"

"Soundbite—!" I started hastily.

" **EVERYBODY HAD MATCHING TOWELS!"**

I hung my head with a moan. "Ugh… and now I can't even _gag_ you to shut you up, perfect."

_"Bleh!"_

Franky sent a curious glance our way, eyebrow still cocked, before looking back at our non-human comrades. "Aaanyway… how long until the little guy wakes up?"

"Ah…" I glanced upwards as I tapped my chin in thought. "Well, seeing as his body is exhausted from undergoing a huge amount of stress, normally it would take a while to recover."

"But…?" Lassoo prompted.

" _But,"_ I nodded in agreement as I shot an uncomfortable glance at the battleships flanking the Bridge. "Right now, it's better that we be hauling conscious dead-weight into a battlefield than unconscious. Sooo… Boss, you might wanna step back a bit."

I cleared my throat as the Dugong backed off, and once he was a safe distance away…

"Chopper, if you wake up right now, I promise that when I die I'll donate my body to science!" I barked, already in pre-flinch.

" **I WANT THAT IN WRITING!"**

I wasn't disappointed. Nobody even blinked as Chopper snapped up into a sitting position, a mad glint in his very, very conscious eyes. The next second, however, he blinked the madness away… and promptly flopped onto his back. It took a minute of struggle for him to properly process the situation, and once he sent a fearful glance my way. "Um… how… bad was it?"

"Nowhere near as bad as we thought," I reassured him. "We'll cover the details later, but for now, you can rest assured that you _didn't_ hurt anyone except our enemies, so don't worry about it."

Franky coughed something under his breath, but Boss was quick to shut him up with an elbow in his side. Chopper didn't notice as he nodded, clearly mollified, but frowned as he tried to force his body to move. 'Tried' being the key word, and when he got only a few errant twitches in response, the frown turned into an outright grimace. "How much fighting do we have left?"

"Mmph…" I grunted as I wavered my hand back and forth. "The worst is over, but we're taking a step down from quality for a massive step up in quantity real fast."

Chopper glanced upwards, his eyes darting back and forth in thought, and after a moment he attempted to shift onto his side, the inevitable failure drawing an aggravated sigh from his lips. "Alright. Look in my backpack, there should be a metal-plated tool roll in there that has my syringes in it. You're looking for a red-filled one labeled J-52."

"Let me guess…" I mused as I complied with his instructions and held up the needle in question, tapping out any air bubbles in it. "Adrenal serum? And going by these _very_ clear skull-labels you have on it… experimental?" His silence was answer enough. "How much of a blowback are we talking here?"

"By my estimates and the current state of my body, I'd say…" Chopper mused. "It'll energize me for twelve hours, then I'm going to sleep like a corpse for twice as long. Sound like a good cost-benefit?"

"If this works?" I scoffed. "I'll use you as a plushie once we're done, for all I care. Now, how do I get this into you?"

"You need to find a vein on me somewhere, preferably my arm." The human-Zoan shifted his arm slightly, scowling at it. "It'll be a bit hard because of my fur, but—!"

Before he could say anything further, Franky snatched the syringe out of my hand, flipped it into a reverse grip and slammed into Chopper's chest.

"YEARGH!" Chopper howled as he shot to his hooves—no, feet, he was in Muscle Point—and ripped the syringe out of his chest before snarling in the cyborg's face. " _WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!? DO YOU HAVE_ ANY _IDEA JUST HOW BONE-DEAD STUPID THAT KIND OF A STUNT IS?! YOU JUST BROKE THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH IN A DOZEN DIFFERENT WAYS, I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR MALPRACTICE!"_

"First off, I never took no hypocritical whatever, and second, it _worked_ , didn't it?" Franky huffed as he crossed his arms, entirely unaffected by my crewmate's fury. "'Sides, it works faster that way anyway; I've got enough experience where ODs are concerned to know that."

" _ **Yoooouuuu…"**_ Chopper snarled as he strangled the air above Franky's shoulders.

"UH, ' _scuse me?_ _ **Any other time,**_ **I'D JOIN IN** _ **THE BANTER,**_ _BUT WE HAVE A SITUATION!"_ Soundbite chimed in. " _HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO_ **that bridge** _ **without passing**_ _Luffy's_ **DUEL TO THE DEATH?** ' _ **CAUSE I DON'T KNOW**_ _about you guys, but_ I DON'T LIKE OUR ODDS!"

The reindeer twitched for a moment before huffing and shrinking back down to Brain Point. "To be continued…"

"Hmph," Boss snorted. "I could get there easily, but I see your point. The rest of you can't Tidal Swim, and there isn't a boat in a hundred miles that can withstand _those_ hell-pools." To punctuate the point, a passing seabird landed on the waters—and was promptly sucked in with nary a squawk.

I allowed a smirk to come over my expression as I scanned the docks. "Oh, now, I wouldn't quite say _that."_ My smirk widened as I caught sight of my intended target and pointed. "Look, see? There's a rowboat we can use."

Boss eyed the rinky-dink tub for a second before affixing me with a flat look. "I've said this plenty of times before, usually half-joking, but now I say it with the utmost sincerity: You're _mad."_

"Do I need to give your head another check, Cross, because I will!" Chopper concurred.

"Now, now, hear me out," I said placatingly. "I realize that this must _sound_ insane, but really, all we need to do to make that vessel seaworthy is say four simple words!"

"Oh, yeah?" Boss cocked a thoroughly unimpressed eyebrow, which was quite a feat, seeing as he didn't actually have brows. "And what would those words be?"

Upon that prompting, I spun on my heel and pointed. "Franky, do the—!" My words died in my throat when I realized that Franky was, in fact, gone. "Thing… what the—?"

"Gimme a second, will you?" the voice of the cyborg in question spoke up—from the direction of the boat!?

Five jaws crashed through the dock as we snapped our heads around and observed the result of taking our eyes off of Franky for ten seconds.

"I'm not quite satisfied with the veneer on the aft side…" the shipwright-cum-mob-boss groused as he ran his hand over the now deluxe-grade rowboat's hull.

I gaped for a second longer before forcing my jaw to snap shut. "Franky? You're nitpicking after you just turned a flimsy, common rowboat into the most downright awesome rowboat outside of Mariejois in ten seconds flat!" I pointed out, too awestruck to be exasperated.

"Nine-point-six-five seconds, actually," Franky snorted in disgust. "That fight with the little guy took it out of me. I mean, you can tell just from looking at my work!"

We all gave the rowboat—nay, the miniature _ship!_ —a look before Boss coughed uncomfortably. "Alright, I'll bite: what makes this boat so subpar in your eyes?"

"Well, just for starters, no gun emplacement."

Boss raised a flipper and opened his mouth before slowly closing it. "…Withdrawn. Because I have _no_ response to that," he muttered.

"I don't think there _is_ a response to that…" Chopper offered.

_That_ managed to get my brain into gear. "I can think of _one."_ So saying, I snatched up a nearby coil of rope and tossed it to Boss.

"Strap up," I grinned eagerly. "It's time for us to go out there and be Big Damn Heroes."

My grin grew wider in response to the ones everyone was now sporting.

**-Present-**

Another lurch shook me out of my reminiscing, and I looked up to see how much time I had left before I got off this legitimately _psychotic_ ride.

The bad news on that front was that the World Government _clearly_ didn't want anybody unwelcome getting even _close_ to the Bridge of Hesitation because these damn whirlpools were massive and we were a _hell_ of a ways away.

Hell, it looked like we were barely even halfway there!

In an attempt to distract myself, I began considering exactly what I could and would do to Spandam once we got there, but my thoughts were cut off yet again, only _this_ time, it was on account of the smoke and muzzle flashes that started showing up along the top of the Bridge.

And that could only mean one thing.

"Looks like your girls are running into some resistance," Franky said, voicing my own conclusion.

I nodded in numb agreement as I felt a cold sweat run down my neck along with the saltwater spray. "Here's hoping that they're strong enough to either hold the line or break their enemies until we get there."

' _Or else we're screwed,'_ I didn't add.

**-o-**

"Captain?"

"Mmm?"

"You _do_ realize that the only reason I haven't mutinied is the fact that we're currently experiencing a _bullshit amount of good luck_ , worthy of the Straw Hat Pirates, right?"

"Mmm-hmm…"

"Just wanted to check." With that, the Barto Club's first mate stood up from the prow and started walking aft, dutifully observing his crewmates as they went about their respective businesses. It was a somewhat dull job, admittedly, given how nobody had much anything to _do,_ but it was a task that had to be done. After all, _somebody_ had to keep the thoroughly undisciplined crew in check _somehow_. Even if, more often than not, that 'discipline' resulted in distributing a few extra concussions.

A hand hesitantly tugging on his sleeve broke him out of his patrol, and he looked with no surprise to see Miss Valentine standing there, a vacant look in her eyes.

"Let me guess: you want to know if this is a dream, right?" he deadpanned.

"Can you really blame me for asking more than once when we're in a situation like this?" she droned, her voice utterly.

"More than once, maybe not." His already flat expression grew ever flatter. "But once a minute for the past five minutes? _That's_ a little much."

"We're sailing through the Calm Belt, being towed and guarded by _Sea Kings,"_ the chocolatier droned as she lifted an arm up to point at the half-dozen aquatic behemoths flanking the Cannibal.

Gin warily eyed the titans. Indeed, as Valentine had said, the Cannibal was being towed by a number of Sea Kings. Adolescents, admittedly, going by how they were only about as big as Marine Battleships as opposed to small mountains, but Sea Kings nonetheless. Said Sea Kings were pulling the Cannibal through the unnaturally placid waters of the Calm Belt via a combination of ropes and barrier-harnesses that they were biting into.

It was an incredible sight, an _impossible_ sight, but it was a real sight nonetheless, no matter how much Gin's much-abused sanity protested.

"No, Valentine, once again: this is not a dream," Gin emphasized firmly. "Now, if you wouldn't mind doing me a favor and _breaking the cycle?"_

Valentine blinked slowly before nodding lethargically. "Alright, then, in that case…" the ex-assassin muttered before turning her focus over to her partner. "Mr. 5," she called out. "I think we may have to try letting go of our grudge against the Straw Hats."

The bomb-man looked up from the revolver he was cleaning with a surprised blink. "What makes you say that?"

Valentine returned her gaze to the Sea Kings with a heavy gulp. "Because the only way that we could have ever been even half this lucky is if their stupid good fortune rubbed off on us big time. Or hell," she chuckled in a distinctly unhinged manner. "If even the slightest _speck_ of it brushed off on us, for that matter…"

Gin's expression became wary, and he took a careful step back. "Oookay," he bit out as he took Valentine's shoulders and gently turned her towards the forecastle. "Why don't you go ahead and lie down for a while? Until the world starts making sense again, yeah?"

Valentine's head bobbed like… well, a bobblehead as she ambled forwards, her unstable smile still plastered in place. "Sure thing," she breathed as she ambled away. "I'll just go count adolescent Millennial Dragons."

Gin watched her go with no small amount of pity; at least until he felt a needle jab into his temper in the form of a particular voice.

"Can I go sleep forever, too?" Miss Goldenweek asked in her usual dead tone. "Not because I'm unhinged, mind you, I'm just bored."

"No. Get back to work."

Goldenweek's expression somehow becomes even flatter. "Doing what?" she demanded as she spread her arms.

Gin steamed for a moment before turning away and marching back up to the prow. Once there, he whistled and called out. "How's it looking, Apis?"

The Whisper-girl smiled and waved from the head of the Sea King she and her more normal mount were riding. "Fine, thanks! They say we should reach our destination by noon tomorrow!"

"And… you're sure we can trust your new friends?" Gin questioned with an uncomfortable glance at the monumental entities around them.

Apis smiled kindly. "Of course! After all—" She leaned forward and patted the cow-like head of the Sea King she was riding. "They're childhood friends with Mohmoo, and Mohmoo's a new friend of mine! Right, Mohmoo?"

The relatively small Sea King leaned into the girl's hand with a pleased—if excessively _loud—_ 'moo'.

Gin cocked his eyebrow as he observed the odd trio and thought back to the circumstances that had led to the bovine Sea King becoming an acquaintance of the Barto Club.

A few hours back, when the Cannibal had been surrounded by Sea Kings and about to be made lunch, he and everyone who hadn't been part of Bartolomeo's mafia before forming a pirate crew, along with almost half of those who had, had come very, _very_ close to bashing their captain's face in, barriers or no, for leading them into the deadliest of oceans without any significant plan of survival in mind.

All but one: though Lindy had seemed murderous, probably out of concern for Apis, the Whisper-girl in question had screamed out, using both her voice and powers to plead with the Sea Kings to leave them alone.

Remarkably, they had paused in response to the outcry and actually regarded one another with what had appeared to be confusion. Then the cow had piped up on their behalf, apparently saying something about how 'she seems nice' and the next thing they knew, the Barto Club found themselves being questioned about why they were in the Calm Belt, or rather 'the Nest', as they apparently called it. And equally remarkably, while they _were_ rather infuriated upon learning about the pirates' reasons for entering the Grand Line, the focus of their rage _wasn't_ them.

Apparently, for reasons that they merely described as 'a promise', there was no small amount of bad blood festering between the Sea Kings and the World Government, even if said grudge was only one-sided. As such, the Sea Kings found the idea of sticking one to their apparently age-old foe, however tangentially, to be supremely appealing.

As such, Mohmoo had quickly gathered up several of his brethren and recruited their aid in towing his new friend and _her_ friends through the Sea King nest, to a location where the pirates would be able to hunker down until the search for them was over.

With that in mind, Gin half-smiled and nodded at Apis before turning to look back at the ex-Baroque Works Agents on deck. "And this destination of yours, you sure it'll be safe?"

"Almost positive," Miss Goldenweek called up as she started on another rice cracker. "The World Government doesn't keep track of Cactus Island; it was an unnamed, uninhabited island up until four years ago when Baroque Works made it a base. Pirates had a one-in-seven chance of going there, which was good enough to make it a bounty hunter nest, and barely any civilians who passed through it actually lived to tell of it on account of how the next island down that chain is basically a dead-end. You can guess from the fact that we made good money off of it until the Straw Hats interfered that nobody really strong ever showed up there."

"And now that Baroque Works is finished, the town is either abandoned or, more likely, being used as a refuge by our failed agents," Mr. 5 picked up as he reconstructed his pistol. "Nobody will think to look for us there unless they were part of Baroque Works, and personally?" He finished the procedure by locking the gun's cylinder back into place. "I doubt that anyone who'll be in the Mutt's vicinity will fit that bill."

Gin nodded in reassurance before turning a smirk on his captain. "Hear that, Captain? It sounds like we might just make it out of this shitfest you dropped us into alive after all! Ain't that grand?"

"Mmph mu," the pirate captain growled through the bandages he was practically mummified in with a roll of his eyes.

Gin allowed himself a chuckle, but looking back at the crew, it appeared that there really wasn't anything more for him to do as the de facto quartermaster; no weather or navigation problems, no worry of attack, not even any rambunctiousness to quash. They were currently making ludicrously good time and managing to go around slightly less than half the world in little more than a day. It was… awe-inspiring, really. He was actually preparing himself to take a leaf out of Goldenweek's book and spend the next few hours napping—

"You know, Valentine forgot something," a _very_ deliberately calm voice spoke up tersely.

Gin and Bartolomeo snapped their attention over to Mr. 5, who'd joined them on the prow and was staring off the starboard quarter with a spyglass.

"…And what would that be, dare I ask?" Gin questioned.

"It's pretty simple, really…"

Without warning, the Cannibal suddenly lurched to a halt, tossing almost half of the Barto Club on their asses and staggering the rest.

The resultant confusion sufficed to break Bartolomeo's concentration, and caused the makeshift barrier harnesses the Sea Kings had been biting into to dissipate; and while Mohmoo stayed frozen ahead of the galleon, apparently paralyzed, his friends wasted no time in diving into the water and disappearing from sight.

Slowly and painfully, the rest of the crew got back on their feet, with Gin groaning and shaking his head as he tried to get his wits back. "What the _hell—?"_

"If the Straw Hats' luck really rubbed off on us…" Mr. 5 grit out as he continued to stare into the distance, all but throttling his spyglass in the process. "It means that _all_ their luck rubbed off on us. The good, and the bad. Case in point?" The ex-assassin lowered the tool with a heavy swallow. "The reason that the Sea Kings just ran away is that the Kuja Pirates and their Yuda serpents are heading _straight for us."_

The lack of response from most of the crew had a substitute in the form of Miss Goldenweek going pale and her rice cracker falling from her numb fingers. Everyone, Gin included, turned to her for clarification.

The painter swallowed heavily as she fought to keep her nerve. "That's the crew of Boa Hancock. The Snake Princess of Amazon Lily, the Pirate Empress, the world's most beautiful woman…" She took a fearful step back from the horizon. "…And the only female among the Seven Warlords of the Sea."

There was a moment of silence as everyone processed the implications of that statement, and then…

" _WHAAAAAAT?!"_

The Cannibal practically leaped into the air from the sheer force of the crew's outcry.

"AGAIN!? _SERIOUSLY!?"_ Gin roared, his gaze turned towards the heavens. "SCREW THREE TIMES, THIS IS NOTHING SHORT OF ENEMY ACTION ON A DIVINE SCALE, PLAIN AND SIMPLE!"

"Preach it, brother…" Mr. 5 sighed as he drew his revolver and started repeatedly spinning its cylinder. "This just ain't funny. Once is one thing, but twice? Leave this kind of madness to the Straw Hats, _they're_ the ones who like it."

"What do we do, what do we do, what do we do!?" Apis repeated to herself as she shook her head frantically, so deep in her panic that she didn't notice Lindy doing her best to calm her as he flew back onto the boat.

However, as the Barto Club all ran around in varying states of panic, it was their captain's reaction that was by far the most pronounced; without a hint of warning, he suddenly tore off his bandages with an incredulous roar as he stood tall and proud.

"ALRIGHT, YOU YELLOW-BELLIED BITCHES, ENOUGH WHINING FOR MOMMY! IN CASE YOU ALL HAPPENED TO FORGET, WE'VE GOT A WARLORD COMING DOWN ON OUR ASSES! ALL HANDS TO STATIONS! GRAB YOUR ARMS AND PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" the sharp-toothed pirate bellowed, drawing all attention to him. "THAT MEANS _RIGHT NOW,_ YOU BAND OF FUCKING LIMP-DICKS!"

"How in the _hell_ are you not even fazed by the _death sentence_ bearing down on us?!" Goldenweek demanded incredulously.

"Ooooh, trust me, I am scared _shitless_ right now," Bartolomeo chuckled as he pointed at his visibly trembling legs. "But! If I've learned anything from the Straw Hats' exploits, it's that in situations like this, where your death is all but guaranteed no matter what the hell you do? You've only got two options: curl up in a puddle of your own piss, or face it head-on. Now…" Bartolomeo's grin widened tauntingly. "I don't know about the rest of you shit-for-spines…" He rapped his fist on his abdomen. "But I'm clean out of piss from earlier! SO! Who's with me!?"

For a few seconds, the pirates of the Barto Club were silent as they processed their captain's words, but soon enough they found enough vim and vigor to raise their fists and swords to the air and roar with bloodlust.

"You realize that we're all going to _die,_ right?" Gin deadpanned as he absent-mindedly spun the ball-tipped tonfas he'd drawn from _somewhere._

Bartolomeo dropped his smirk in favor of a scowl. "Yeah, true enough… but with any luck? We'll be able to do one thing that that coward Krieg _never_ managed with Hawk-Eye."

"Oh yeah?" The Cold-Hearted Demon cocked an eyebrow out of morbid curiosity. "And what's that?"

Bartolomeo re-donned his grin, only this time with a feral gleam in his eyes. "We're gonna make that cocky bitch remember our names for the rest of her life even if it's the last damn thing we do."

Gin stared at his captain in stunned silence before eagerly mirroring his expression. "Aye-aye, _sir!"_

Bartolomeo held his grin for a moment as he watched his first mate run off to coordinate the crew before adopting a scowl as he observed the speck approaching on the horizon.

"Sorry, Straw Hats…" he muttered to himself. "I know you need all the support you can get, and I'd cheer you on if I could, but right now…"

He bared his teeth as he cracked his knuckles.

"I've got my _own_ damn problems to worry about."

**-o-**

_SLAM!_ "AGH!"

_CRACK!_ "GAH!"

Conis and Vivi grunted in pain as they were flung onto their backs, taking the opportunity to catch their breath and gather their wits.

"I take it that you're not having an easy time either?" Conis groaned as she sat up and rubbed the back of her head.

"The damn bastard hits like a _tank!"_ the princess wheezed, clutching her stomach as a thoroughly agitated Carue helped pull her to her feet.

"You're lucky…" The gunner shook her head as she pushed herself up. "Mine hits like _Luffy."_

"Hmph. So, _these_ are the Straw Hat Pirates that have been giving the Navy so much trouble?"

The pirate women winced and shot glares that were equal parts hateful and fearful at the Marines.

Captain Gorilla snorted heavily as he tapped his rifle in his palm. "And Akainu was pushing for Onigumo and Doberman to come instead of us. I'm going to have to push for someone to run an investigation into Commodore Smoker because if he's been having trouble with capturing these people, then he's either incompetent or he's grown soft."

"BAH! What does it matter, CRASH?" Captain Sharinguru smirked as he slammed his fists together and started grinding them against one another. "So they've managed to make it this far, KA-WHAM, so what? Villains get lucky from time to time, sure, but they will never stand a chance in a straight fight against we heroes of justice, BA-BAM! Today, the angel fallen from grace and the traitorous princess will meet their justified ends here at Enies Lobby, SA- _LAM!"_

Conis blinked in confusion before casting a hesitant glance at Vivi. "Dooo you have any idea what's wrong with him?"

"I caught a mention of the lie of how I got my bounty, but besides that, I think he's just _insane,_ " Vivi grit out irritably, before wincing and clutching a roadrash that had torn clean through one of her arm warmers. "Doesn't stop him from being strong as heck, though. Every time I try attacking him with my Cutters he manages to parry with his abilities and reel me in, and the friction from his wheels is hellish!"

Conis swallowed heavily as she eyed her her own burly opponent, reaching behind her back and clutching the grip of her shotgun. "I understand where you're coming from. I thought that Franky and our crewmates were tough, but this guy is some sort of unholy cross between Yama and Gedatsu. It doesn't matter how many times I shoot him, he just shrugs it off! It's insane!"

Carue swallowed heavily as he interposed himself between his friend and the Marines. "Qua—way thish is gonna be ea—Wha?!" the duck jerked back and squawked in shock as he realized that he was actually speaking instead of… well, squawking.

The sudden dialogue caused everyone, pirate and Marine alike, to pause in shock.

Su was quick to smirk and flick her tail. "Looks like you guys aren't quite so cocky anymore now that we have reinforcements on the way, huh?" she needled.

Sharinguru was equally quick to rally, scoffing and jabbing his finger at the Straw Hats. "Foolish villains, PSHOO! It matters not whether you face us with one or one hundred allies, we—!"

"Less talking, more acting," Gorilla interrupted.

The Wheel-Man promptly snapped his mouth shut with an aggravated growl and stalked forward, the sleeves of his arms blurring into a spin.

Vivi took a hesitant step back before steeling her expression and starting to spin her own Cutter in turn. "Alright," she muttered to herself. "We have help coming now, so we don't have to win anymore, but they're still a mile out and we're not making any progress against these two." The princess angled her head so that she could stare down the bridge and grimaced. "Robin's already halfway down the bridge. Unless we get to her fast…" She winced as she came to the obvious conclusion, and glanced to her avian companion. "Carue, you need to run ahead and save Robin!"

" _WHAT!?"_ Carue screeched in shock. "Are you—!?"

"Carue!" Vivi snapped firmly. "There are almost a hundred Marines between us and her and you're the only one fast enough to make it past them unmolested!"

"B-B-But I can't weave you awone!" Carue shook his head desperately. "If Ah've said it once, Ah've said it a dozen times, Ah won't evah weave—!"

" _CARUE!"_

The duck choked off his protests, and everyone on the bridge within earshot flinched, for Vivi had pinned the duck in place with a firm glare. "The reason we're in the middle of all of this in the first place is so that we can rescue Robin from being dragged off to hell. If that…" Vivi trailed off with a murderous scowl. "If that _dead-man-walking_ manages to take her away, then _everything_ we've done in the last few hours will be for nothing." However, as swiftly as her fury appeared, it dissipated in place of pure confidence. "We'll be _fine,_ Carue. We'll do what we can do, you do what you can do, alright?"

Carue hesitated for a moment more before he gritted his teeth and pawed his talons on the ground. "Awight… one shecond… ten shteps in one shecond…"

"Stop that duck, HALT!" Sharinguru exclaimed as he swung his fist forward.

"That one's a stretch, Sharinguru," Gorilla said even as he levelled his gun at the bird.

However, the Captains barely even made it a step apiece—

"NOT A CHANCE!"

"GRGH!"/"DAMN!"

—before Conis slammed her forearm into Gorilla's rifle, knocking its barrel upward, while Vivi snagged the full length of her Lion Cutter's chains on the Captain's wheels. The sheer jerk nearly wrenched her off her feet, but it did halt the Wheel-man's charge.

They only managed to stop them for a moment before the Captains managed to shove them back.

"And SHAVE!" the duck called out before flashing out of sight.

But it was more than long enough.

"Damn it!" Gorilla cursed as he watched the oversized fowl tear through the soldiers behind him.

Vivi smirked as she rewound her Lion Cutters. "You lose."

**-o-**

The world ground to a crawl for Carue as he dashed forward and dodged around the Marines that had just enough awareness to react to him, forcing himself to keep his gaze ahead instead of looking back at his charge and best friend as she faced down two _Marine Captains_. It hurt like hell, yes, but in the end it didn't change the fact that she was right; if that wretch got away with Robin, the best result they could hope for was a pyrrhic victory, and that was a stretch.

As he ran, the Royal Captain of the Supersonic Duck Squadron reflected on the irony of his current situation: risking his neck and potentially Vivi's in order to save a woman that he would have _gladly_ stomped flat into the earth a thousand times over not even half a year ago. That, alongside the sheer degree to which she had grown on him since then, served to hammer home just how much the Straw Hats had changed him.

He hadn't fully forgiven her, and he knew that Vivi hadn't either, but the fact was that he had at _least_ managed to accept that she wasn't Miss All Sunday anymore, she was just Robin, his crewmate, his… his _friend._

Carue grit his teeth together even harder as he took stock of the opposition that remained between him and the object of his mission. Apart from about a dozen or so soldiers standing in his way and the shield-carrying entourage surrounding him, Spandam was straight ahead, and, more importantly, so was Robin. A malicious grin split the duck's lips as he spread his wings, preparing himself to cut Robin away from that damn son of a—

"GET HIM, FUNKFREED!"

Carue blinked in confusion when Spandam suddenly shouted out. ' _Funkfreed? What's a Funk—?'_

" _BARAAAAG!"_

"SHIT!" Carue squawked in panic when a mass of white suddenly filled his vision, and he was forced to dig his talons into the stone and flap his wings in order to keep his balance and prevent himself from crashing into whatever the hell had just gotten in his way. The second he came to a halt and reality snapped back into motion, his eyes widened in panic as they processed what was now in front of him, part of his mind flashing back to Cross' words back on the Rocketman:

' _The only weapon he has besides his authority is a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. And an elephant, bladed trunk or not, shouldn't be a problem for any of you.'_

' _Not a problem my unsightly feathered ass!'_ the duck mentally groused as he stared up at the ivory-tusked behemoth that was glaring down at him. Once he recovered, however, he grit his teeth and glared right back. ' _Tch! Well, not like I have a choice here.'_

"Outta my way, fatass!" he squawked before sprinting forwards, lashing his talon-armor out and slashing at the elephant's leg.

He then paled in horror when his blades harmlessly skittered off with a flurry of sparks and a clang of steel-on-steel. The duck staggered back as he watched the area he'd struck shimmer like…

"…That's _actuawwy_ steew, isn't it?" he whimpered fearfully.

Funkfreed's only response was to narrow his eyes.

"Yeah, well… how do ya wike _dis?!"_ Carue squawked as he bolted to the side, intent on dodging around the elephant-sword. After all, it was an _elephant,_ how fast could it possibly—?

"WACK!" Carue yelped as he ground to yet another halt when Funkfreed suddenly showed up in front of him again, only rather than a whole elephant, he was in what had to be his hybrid form, seeing as his trunk was a full-on blade and his lower half had morphed into a… serpent-like form that ended in a… hilt…

The duck swallowed heavily as he took a step back. "Yoah twansfomation makes you _weawwy_ fast, doesn't it?"

A hint of a smirk peeked out from beneath the elephant's trunk.

Carue whimpered miserably as he reached up and slammed his visor down over his eyes. "Thish ish gonna _suck_ …"

**-o-**

Conis juked left as a rifle bullet ricocheted off the stone of the bridge where she'd been standing before, then rolled to the _right_ as the butt of Gorilla's rifle smashed through where her torso should have been.

Once she had some breathing room, Conis swung her blunderbuss out and fired it in a single smooth motion. Still, in spite of her lack of aiming, the loaded shell flew true. At least, it _did_ until Gorilla used his gun to smack a loose piece of debris into the projectile's path and force an early detonation.

"Not again," the gunner groaned as she unslung her Burn Bazooka (so far the only thing her opponent bothered _dodging,_ which he managed with an uncanny degree of agility) and shoved her blunderbuss back in its holster behind her back.

"Complain less, dodge more! INCOMING!"

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Conis gasped as she threw herself to the side, only just managing to dodge yet another bullet—only to notice too late that it _wasn't_ a bullet that struck the bricks, but rather the rifle's butt instead. The angel barely had enough time to shield herself with her Burn Bazooka as Gorilla turned on his heel and swung the rifle into her, the sheer impact jarring Conis through her cannon and sending her crashing onto her ass.

"Ow…" Conis winced as she rubbed the part of her anatomy she'd landed on before casting a glare over her shoulder. "Nice read there, cottontail!"

"Hey, what do you want from me!?" Su snapped back. "The bastard's a walking _brick,_ there's jack and shit in body language for me to read!"

"Still—!"

"So, that's how you're doing it…"

Conis and Su snapped their attention back to Gorilla, who was looking them over with an annoyed expression. "I was wondering how you were managing to dodge or parry every single attack I threw at you. The fox is reading my movements?"

Su hesitated for a moment before sniffing proudly. "Of course I am!" she proclaimed. "We foxes are _notoriously_ smart, and I spent most of my life traipsing through a jungle where everything that wasn't me wanted to _eat_ me, so I know how to read a swing." She then furrowed her brow irritably. "Your freakish body's just making that difficult, is all!"

Gorilla dismissed the blatant insult with a snort. "Well, then. If unpredictability is out the window, maybe I should just try the simpler approach."

Conis sagged miserably. "Oh, this is going to— _UGH!"_

The angel grunted as she blocked yet another swing with her cannon. And then another and another and _another,_ the overly burly captain pounding away at Conis' defense with a barrage that was at once utterly predictable and nigh-unstoppable.

The only thing she could do was keep her Bazooka in the way and backpedal as best she could, and as the dents developing in the barrel demonstrated, that was a stopgap strategy at best.

Meanwhile, the Straw Hats' negotiator was having only marginally more luck with her own opponent.

"JUSTICE GAZELLE!"

That is to say, absolutely no luck at all.

It was only via swift reflexes and a load of luck that Vivi was barely able to catch the swiftly-spinning, leg-powered uppercut on the chain of her Lion Cutters, gritting her teeth as the sheer force of the revolutions hit her even through her weapon, shaking her bones and threatening to grind through the chain. Luckily, the punch also shoved her back a few feet, giving her just enough space to get some spin on her Lion Cutters and swing one of them at the offending and still-extended limb. And like the last few times she'd attempted it, she was barely able to keep the weapon from being torn out of her hands as what _had_ to be metal plating hiding under the Captain's clothes slapped the blade away at high speeds.

"JUSTICE SMASH!"

The princess had only just managed to recover her balance and weapon when she was forced to duck under yet another revolving haymaker that would have plowed straight through her skull. When the Captain's _other_ fist snapped out at her, however, she was forced to swing out her cutters and dig them into the stone before forcefully yanking herself out of the way of the blow, though not without the very edge of the limb managing to score a gash in her cheek.

Once she rolled to her feet and recovered her balance, Vivi hastily started weighing her options as she eyed her opponent.

It was a depressingly short list.

' _That armor he's hiding is forcefully deflecting any physical attacks,'_ she thought grimly, before wincing and snapping a hand to the bleeding scrape on her face. ' _And his punches_ have _to be completely dodged or they'll do more than just bruise, and while I might be flexible, he's leagues faster than I am.'_ She bit out a pained tsk. ' _Right, that's it, I'm having Carue teach me Shave after this. And Iron Body from Zoro and Tempest Kick from—!'_

"JUSTICE…"

Vivi snapped herself out of her thoughts and braced herself as Sharinguru tensed in preparation for… something. ' _Right, plan out how to become a better fighter later, survive_ now! _Hopefully whatever he uses won't be anything too—!'_

"SANDSTORM!"

"Wait, _wha—!?"_

Without warning, the heels of the Captain's feet turned spun into blurs themselves, kicking up a dust cloud at Vivi. It was only years of experience dealing with windblown sand that allowed Vivi to maintain her composure and dodge the air-rending haymaker that followed soon afterward, but the familiarity of the attack struck Vivi like a bolt of lightning once she had a second to recover.

"Hey!" Vivi pointed an accusatory finger at the Marine. "That move was totally a rip-off of Sora's—!" She suddenly choked off as _another_ realization clicked into place. The princess then groaned in weary resignation. "Oh, Horus… the sound effects, the talk of heroes and villains, naming your attacks 'justice' this and 'justice' that… You… You _actually_ think that you're Sora, Warrior of the Seas, don't you? You think that you're some kind of-of comic book superhero!"

The Wheel-man paused at that, slowly turning around to face her with his head bowed and his shoulders shaking. At first, she thought he was crying, but then she heard the laughter.

"Hahaha… 'think'? Oh, you foolish, foolish villain…"

Gorilla paused his onslaught as he slapped a hand to his face and groaned. "Oh, _perfect,_ now you've gone and done it."

Sharinguru snapped a finger skyward and planted his fist on his hip as he bellowed at the sky. "I DO NOT _THINK_ I AM A SUPERHERO, I _AM_ A SUPERHERO!" he proclaimed proudly. "I AM CAPTAIN SHARINGURU, HERO OF JUSTICE AND DEFEATER OF EVIL!" He then swung his finger down so that it was pointing at Vivi's face as he gave her a winning smile. Vivi had to _fight_ to keep from barfing as sunlight glinted off his stupidly shiny white teeth. "Let me tell you something, worthless villain! You think I ripped off Sora, that I think that I am him? _YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS!"_ He swung his thumb at his chest. "Rather, Sora is _I!_ I am the real-life inspiration for the world-renowned adventures of Sora, Warrior of the Seas!"

Conis blinked at the masked Captain in surprise. "Is… he really that famous?"

"Only partially…" Gorilla groaned as he kneaded the bridge of his nose. "Sora's a composite of the exploits of several different Marine Captains, but Sharinguru's always been a big fan. After he beat a Germa battalion and had the tale published, he got it into his head that he's _legitimately_ a 'hero of Justice'. It's asinine, but I can't say it doesn't keep him motivated."

" _Personally, I just say that it's sickening!"_ Spandam's voice piped up, apparently carried by Soundbite. " _Honestly, that buffoon is worse than Kumadori!"_

" _This may be the only thing that I ever agree with you on,"_ Robin's voice growled out.

The latter voice managed to snap Vivi out of her stunned state, and she shook her head before refocusing on her opponent and crossing her Cutters defensively. "I don't care if you're a hero or a _saint,_ we're still going to beat you down and take Robin back with us."

Unfortunately, that only got Sharinguru to throw his head back and roar anew, only this time his laughter had a distinctly mocking overtone to it. "Oh, you poor, foolish, _naïve_ villain! Know you nothing about how the world works? Allow me to explain the facts!" He pointed at her again. " _You_ and your ilk are the villainous pirates, heinous enemies of justice who represent all that is sick and evil in this world!" He then pointed back at himself and at Gorilla. "And we are the mighty and heroic Marines, defenders of justice and paragons of good! No matter what you try to accomplish, we _will_ lay you low, and once anew _JUSTICE_ will prevail! _Why_ , you ask!?"

Wheels roared over the Captain's body as he pumped his arms back with his fists turned upwards. "BECAUSE HEROES NEVER LOSE!" he declared for all the world to hear.

Vivi twitched slightly at the words, a grimace flashing across her mouth. "If only that were true…" she whispered under her breath. As swift as the grimace came, however, she shook off her forlorn expression in favor of properly analyzing her enemy. "But that's neither here nor there. Right now, what's important is that I know that I'm dealing with a _total_ nutjob, and that's a good thing. You know why?"

The princess allowed a slight smirk to cross her face as she flipped one of her Cutters into a reverse grip and spun up the other. "Because when it comes to dealing with crazy people," she declared proudly. "I have more experience than you can _possibly_ imagine."

"…I do not envy your crew in the least," Gorilla deadpanned as he returned his full attention back to Conis.

"Nor should you," Su agreed sagely.

"After all, they're not for everyone." Conis redoubled her grip on her Burn Bazooka and held it up proudly. "Rather, it's an acquired taste."

And with that, the battles recommenced in earnest.

Meanwhile, however, further down the bridge, the mind of the person who was the entire object of the endeavor was awhirl. No longer did she wish the crew— _her_ crew wasn't risking their lives for her, that train of thought had been banished to oblivion when she heard _him_ speak through Soundbite. No, at this point, she was more worried about whether they would actually be able to reach her in time.

While normally Robin would have been perfectly fine with just being patient and waiting for her friends to rescue her, the fact was that in spite of her protests and struggling she was already over halfway across the bridge, and due to the shield-toting Marines flanking her and her captor, Usopp had been unable to do more than annoy them.

Robin bit her lip as she weighed her options. Obviously, she couldn't fight back physically, not while her handcuffs were binding her arms and, more pressingly, her powers. True, with Funkfreed absent, her chances with resisting were better than ever, but the fact remained that she _was_ being flanked by a number of actually _capable_ soldiers, which meant that if she tried to attack Spandam in any way then she would be met with fierce retribution, or, in the absolute worst case scenario, rendered unconscious to remove any chance of fighting back.

Robin glanced ahead at the far-too-swiftly approaching gate before bowing her head with a shudder of fear. Yes, death was slightly more preferable than waking up in either of the locations beyond, with no hope of ever seeing her crew again.

As for her other options… well, her 'feminine wiles', to put it politely were one tool she'd liberally exploited in the past, but…

Robin shot a single glance at Spandam before shuddering heavily. Even _if_ the target in this scenario weren't an entity even lower than most earthworms, the fact still remained that in all likelihood the only sexual attraction Spandam felt was for _himself._

As it stood, the situation seemed to be utterly hopeless… save for one possible option.

Said option was one that Robin had had hammered home more than she'd ever thought possible in her time with the crew; an option that Cross liberally demonstrated time and time again: that words were capable of shattering barriers that no amount of physical force could ever hope to crack. If she could just distract Spandam long enough from his goal, make him concentrate on something other than moving forward…

Admittedly, Spandam's short temper and throbbing ego made it a supremely risky option, but if it was the only way she had to fight back, the only way she could buy her crew the time they so desperately needed? Then she would employ it to the best of her, in her not so humble opinion, well-honed abilities.

' _Still, pretty words aside, going by Cross's track record thus far…'_ Robin glanced upwards with a pained grimace. " _This is likely going to_ hurt.'

"You know," Robin began. "I find it odd that you don't feel at all threatened by CP9."

"Huh?" Spandam turned to her with a genuinely puzzled look. "Why in the world should I be, woman!? It's not like they would ever turn against me, I'm their chief!"

The archaeologist hid a groan at the fact that he hadn't stopped moving before continuing. "I'm simply considering that they're all, in your own words, 'easily superhuman'. Meanwhile, you're someone who literally anyone on this island would be guaranteed to beat in a fight. And as Lucci and his comrades have aptly demonstrated, they are more than capable of directing operations completely independent of you. So the question is…" She tilted her head _just_ so. "What possible reason do they have to refrain from turning on you?"

If Robin was expecting some grand reaction from her statement, she was disappointed when Spandam merely scoffed and brushed her words off. "Please, as if they would ever even consider it! I'm their beloved chief, I'm far too crucial for them to even so much as consider harming me."

Robin's eye twitched slightly as she cast her mind back to a mere few minutes ago. ' _Oh perfect, his delusions of grandeur are so powerful that they're actively altering his memories.'_ Nevertheless, she forced a smirk that held more confidence than she actually felt (in reality, it was taking all of her training to maintain her composure in face of the metal horizon she was approaching) and pressed on. "Really, now? What is it that you _do_ , exactly?"

Spandam tilted his head back with a proud snort. "Why, I'm the one who gives them their missions, of course! I read through the intel collected from the other pols, I decide what's pertinent and what isn't, and then I deploy them! I'm also the one who runs all of the logistics and finances for the missions." He gave a full-body shudder at some unseen memory. "You would not _believe_ the kind of people I've had to brownnose to get the budget I need, especially given the sheer amounts of collateral they tend to leave behind…" As fast as his mood came, it passed. "Furthermore—!"

"Oh, no need, I understand completely," Robin interrupted with a beatific smile. "You're their glorified secretary. How nice."

_That_ struck a nerve with the man, his expression instantly contorting into an angered scowl. But it didn't cause him to stop moving. And as Robin took that in along with the approaching gates, her composure crumbled. As such, her next words weren't so much a calculated barb as they were ramblings born of panicked desperation.

"You're not even capable of denying it, are you? You're nothing but a figurehead for CP9! You're just as worthless without your subordinates as that monster who triggered the Buster Call on Oh—!"

_CLICK!_

Robin's words died when she became aware of two facts: First, that Spandam was looking at her with an expression of pure and utter _hatred,_ and that second, he was holding a pistol taken from a nearby Marine's belt in his hands and had its muzzle less than an inch from her forehead.

"That… _monster_ … as you called him…" Spandam hissed viciously through clenched teeth. " _Was my father."_

Robin sucked in a panicked gasp as she realized… she'd fucked up. ' _Oh,_ shit.'

"Chief Spandam! Our orders are to take her in—!"

_**BLAM!**_ "AGH!"

Everyone on the bridge froze in mixed shock and horror as Spandam fired a round into the (technically) insubordinate Marine's shoulder before returning the gun to its initial aim, all without even glancing to the side.

"The heck is this, pow, some kind of anti-hero gambit or something, wham?" Sharinguru mused in confusion.

"Spandam!" Captain Gorilla shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing!? The mission—!"

"The mission," Spandam spat venomously without ever diverting his attention. "Is no longer a priority. I've put up with this filthy demon's insolence up until now for the sake of the World Government. But now? Now I couldn't care if she were the bastard brat of one of the Five Elder Stars. From the day I became the highest authority in Enies Lobby, there is one decree I've made that has stood firm regardless of the circumstances: the penalty for insulting my father in front of me…"

He pressed the muzzle of his gun between Robin's thoroughly terrified eyes and pulled the hammer back. " _Is immediate execution._ Goodbye, Devil Child. It's time for you to rejoin your mother and the rest of Ohara's demons in Hell."

Time seemed to crawl for Vivi as she stared in naked horror at Spandam's finger, which had started the motion that would end Robin's life. Her crewmate was about to die. She was about to witness someone she cared about die. She was about to see someone die because she wasn't strong enough _again!_

Without even thinking, Vivi's hands started to move. One went to her throat and fumbled with the bulb of metal hanging there, but even as her fingers slipped around it she knew that she'd never be able to get it open in time. As such, her other hand started to rise, reaching out in spite of the obvious futility of the gesture. But she didn't care. She couldn't even begin to care.

"…stop…" The word slipped out of her mouth without her own knowledge.

She had to do something, anything, she couldn't let this happen again, couldn't let it happen ever again!

"Stop…!" the word came again, only this time with more heat, more will.

Vivi panted as she observed the nightmare before her, as she witnessed how completely and utterly she was failing to _make a damn difference._

' _This isn't fair…'_ she thought miserably, her mind choking and stalling in despair. ' _I-I'm a royal. I'm a princess! I'm a_ Nefertari! _By right and by blood I should be one of the most powerful people in the world…'_

Her face twisted up in a combination of fury and misery as her mind was filled with images: Images of a horizon set ablaze, images of a plaza filled with nothing but death, images of lightning and _pain._

' _So why_ am I always left feeling so POWERLESS?!'

If time had been crawling before, it completely froze the moment Spandam's finger reached the final millimeter. And as she saw, _saw_ death about to snuff out a person who she'd all but despised twenty-four hours ago, Vivi… quite simply felt something in her mind _snap_. Something primal, something _innate_. And before she knew what she was doing—

" **STOOOOOOOP!"**

A voice _roared_ over the bridge. It was only an instant later that she registered that it was, in fact, _her_ voice.

And though time seemed to resume for the world around her, the same could not be said for the people. Everybody in sight, Marine, Agent, and even her own comrades, were standing completely motionless, some in awkward positions. And one and all, their eyes were wide with fear and confusion.

"What…" Vivi breathed in confusion. "What just—?"

_KA-BLAM!_

"GAGH!"

The princess was broken out of her shock by an Exploding Star slamming into the face of a Marine who'd been about to swing his sword through her neck.

Said explosion was enough to break whatever spell the bridge had fallen under, prompting the soldiers to scramble back into the defensive positions they'd been using to hide from the Straw Hats' sniper. Or, well… _most_ of them did, anyway.

"W't th' 'ell…?" Spandam ground out through his locked jaw. "Ah 'an't 'ove!"

"And thank God for that," one of the soldiers guarding him scowled as he worked the pistol out of his fingers, while another dragged Robin out of his line of fire, causing her to sigh in relief—and then blink in confusion, as the soldiers made no attempt to force her closer to the Gates of Justice.

"…Ah, not that I'm complaining, but why aren't you taking me to the Gates?" she asked warily.

The nearest soldier rolled his eyes. "Because Spandam gave ironclad orders that nobody is to open the Gates until he's right there in person."

"And despite the fact that he's clearly unstable," another soldier continued. "The only ones who can remove officials from their positions are those with rank or authority higher than theirs."

"Much to our chagrin, as of today," said the one who had retrieved his pistol. "So, now we have to wait for whatever the heck that was to wear off." He cocked an eyebrow at the archaeologist. "And speaking of, since when the heck could your crewmates do _that,_ anyway?"

Robin hesitated slightly before casting a look back at her crewmates that was as much fond as it was bemused. "I was just asking myself that exact same question…"

While Robin was almost too confused to feel relief at the new development, Vivi was in an even worse state on account of how not only was she just as confused as everyone else on the bridge, but Sharinguru and Gorilla had _also_ gotten enough wherewithal back in their minds to renew their assaults. It was all the princess could do to dodge and parry her opponent's blows—and even that was a stretch—as she worked to puzzle out what in the name of _Osiris' rotting blue testicles_ had just happened.

' _Everyone stopped…'_ Vivi forced her thoughts to start at the beginning of it all even as she ducked under a rotating lariat. ' _I called for… well, for everyone to stop and they did. Maybe… Maybe I can do it again?_ Should _I try to—AGH!'_ Vivi's train of thought derailed when she _felt_ Sharinguru's elbow shave off a millimeter from the tip of her nose. ' _Right, no choice. Here goes everything!'_

"Stop!" she yelled once more, and in response, the Captains… reflexively flinched for a moment before continuing with just as much intensity as before.

Vivi suppressed a groan as she grit her teeth. ' _Well,_ that _sure as hell didn't work!'_ However, as swiftly as anger flashed through her mind she forced it all out via a calming sigh. ' _Alright, alright, calm down… think it through. Think back to that feeling, that instant. When I… did whatever it was I did, I felt something like I'd never—!'_ Vivi marginally started in shock. ' _No, no, th-that's wrong… that's wrong, I actually_ have _felt whatever that was before!'_

In spite of the onslaught that she found herself under, Vivi found her mind's eye being cast back. Back to Rainbase and to Smoker and Tashigi, back to Skypiea and to _him_. She hadn't paid it much mind at those times, her adrenaline and the situations had clouded her memories, but thinking back, her tirades against them, her using the name of her ancestors in spite of how much she loathed them, her speaking with as much force and power as she possibly could…

At first, she'd thought it to be little more than the desperation of the situation combining with the fury of seeing her friends in danger. But now that she thought about it, actually considered it, she realized that it wasn't _just_ desperation. In fact, rather than being any form of emotion at all, what had powered her words that day was nothing short of instinct. Some fundamental, core drive that she'd managed to pull from… somewhere or other.

Vivi bit her lip both out of worry and irritation as she avoided a roundhouse kick from Sharinguru. ' _Of_ course _whatever the hell I did requires instinct!'_ she thought sarcastically. ' _What_ else _would it need, considering how I'm a person of thought and planning who has as much instinct_ as a piece of damn plank—!' Vivi forced out another calming sigh. ' _Alright… alright, let's try again. I need instinct. I just need to dig deep… deep… okay, let's try… THIS!'_

"STOP!" she commanded. This time, Sharinguru legitimately froze instead of flinching, but once again, that moment of pause was just that, a moment, a meager few seconds, before the Captain moved anew. It took Vivi everything she had to keep from spewing out a blue streak worthy of Zoro himself as she parried his ballistic fist.

' _ARGH! Four seconds!? That was only worth_ FOUR MISERABLE SECONDS!?' she howled in her mind. ' _You have got to be_ kidding me! _It actually_ worked _this time, but it wasn't even close to being as effective! Damn it, I have it but I_ still don't have it! _What am I missing, what the hell could I possibly be missing!? Think, damn it, think think_ thi—!' Vivi shoved yet another exasperated sigh from her grit teeth. ' _Alright, alright, enough panic, no more panic. Just think it through in a calm and—!'_

Without any warning, Vivi froze where she was standing, her eyes blinking in honest surprise. "…oh."

_SKRUNCH!_

Her eyes then shot wide in shock as her body _shook._

Time seemed to freeze as she tried to process what had just happened. In that instant, Vivi became aware of a noise.

' _Who… is that?'_ she thought. ' _Who's… screaming?'_

Vivi slowly turned her head to the side and blinked in confusion as she saw that the source was Conis, who was desperately screaming at the top of her lungs with tears coursing down her eyes.

' _Oh… it's Conis…'_ Vivi realized. ' _But she looks fine. So, why is she…?'_

The princess blinked again as she suddenly realized something else: she could feel a slight pinching sensation in her abdomen. Her gaze shifted downwards and slowly she 'ah'd in understanding.

' _Oh, I see,'_ she mentally nodded. ' _The reason she's screaming is that I got hit.'_

And indeed, the princess had most certainly been hit. To be precise, she had been hit by a rather large fist that had literally buried itself halfway through her abdomen.

As if her noticing her injury were the trigger, time resumed and Vivi was simultaneously spun and flung backward, hitting the stonework of the bridge with a sickening crack and bouncing. She landed again on her side before skidding to a stop. After taking a moment to get some breath back in her lungs, she tried to pull herself to her knees on quivering limbs, only for a shuddering spasm to wrack her body and force her to vomit up a glob of blood and what she desperately hoped was _only_ her last meal onto the stone.

"—IVI!" Conis' voice screamed. Vivi was barely aware of her friend turning and starting to run towards her. She was then vaguely aware of a bipedal clothes-wearing simian moving to stand in her path, impeding her progress.

"Have you forgotten?" Gorilla snorted in irritation. "You're still fighting _me."_

"Y-You—!" Conis snarled furiously through her tears, but that was all she was able to get out before Gorilla slammed his gun into her Bazooka and forced her into a deadlock.

"Be quiet and watch your friend's execution. You'll be joining her for the crimes you've committed soon enough."

"INDEED, WHA-BAM!" Sharinguru cackled as he stalked up to Vivi. "This, right here, right now, is what I truly live for, DAH-DAH-DAH- _DAAAAH!_ The Hero punishing the Villain, KA-BLAM! Sacred Good triumphing over vile Evil, KA-BOOM! THIS!"

The Captain grinned victoriously as he raised his foot high above Vivi's head and started up a rotation so fast that the very air around it started to ripple.

"IS THE VERY DEFINITION!" he roared at the top of his lungs. "OF JUSTICE! _JUSTICE GUILLOTINE!"_

And with that, he dropped his heel in a blow that would sever Vivi's head from her neck.

" **Stop."**

Or rather, that _would_ have severed her head had a single word not frozen Sharinguru in place and killed his rotation dead. It wasn't yelled. It wasn't a scream, it wasn't a plea, it was just a simple word. Or rather… a single command. A command packed with so much power and authority that Sharinguru's body didn't have any other choice but to lock up.

And it wasn't just Sharinguru who froze either. Gorilla, Conis, Su, Robin… basically, everyone on the entire bridge found themselves paralyzed again.

"W-What—?" Sharinguru bit out as he tried furiously to get his mouth to work.

"Sorry about that, Conis."

All eyes snapped to Vivi as she slowly worked her way to her feet. "But it's hard enough bringing this power up as it is; as near as I can tell, I can either use it on one or everyone, and I thought it would be for the best to stop Gorilla, too."

Vivi started to move before hissing and casting a pained grimace at her torso. "Ah, damn it. That punch didn't break my skin, thankfully enough, so my insides aren't puréed, but this is still going to be a very nasty scar. It's going to be awhile before I feel confident wearing a bikini again." She shot an exasperated glare over her shoulder at Sharinguru. "You are _insanely_ lucky that Sanji isn't here, you know that?"

"How—!?" the Wheel-man snarled murderously.

Vivi maintained her cool stare for a moment before hanging her head with a sigh. "Honestly? I'm not sure. This is all as new to me as it is to you. But I'm fairly certain that its basis revolves around my instinct as a ruler."

"Ruler's instinct."

All attention within earshot turned to the cloud fox, who was looking at Vivi in a combination of genuine awe and naked terror. "Instinct… it's something that every living being is born with," the cloud fox whispered, the sheer silence of the bridge letting all hear her. "It leads us to food or water, warns us of danger, all kinds of things. But…"

Su slowly shook her head. "Not all are created equal. Some beings… when they're born, their instincts are superior. These beings, their instincts aren't just about survival, they're about _leadership._ The instinct to rule over others. I've only ever heard of it being found in the likes of Alpha Wolves and Sea Kings. But then again, I suppose that when you consider the existence of people like Wiper and Gan Fall, it's only natural to assume that humans would have it, too."

Vivi nodded in agreement. "All my life, I've known that I would one day rule. It wasn't just from my father telling me, wasn't from my friends or subjects, it was just…" She held her hand up and stared at it as she flexed her fingers. "Something I've _known,_ from the deepest part of my heart. Something basic, something _natural._ A fact, if you will. The sky is blue, water is wet, and I, Nefertari Vivi, was born to rule. And now…"

Vivi affixed the Marine Captain with a firm look. "Now I can actually use it. I don't know how, but I'm bringing it out, and even if you refuse it with all your heart and soul, I will _make_ you obey the divine right that I have held within me since I was born."

She raised her head proudly as she glared down at the Marine. "I am Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, _and you will respect my authority!"_

"…I honestly never expected to ask this question again, but… how does that even make sense?" Robin wondered aloud.

"Tseeheeheeheehee… haven't you been around here for a few years, Robin?"

Attention returned to the Cloud Fox as an eager grin slowly peeked through her fur.

"This ocean is the Grand Line," she whispered reverentially. "There is no need for sense here. What is… just simply _is."_

"Respect…?"

Vivi blinked in surprise before turning her attention back to Sharinguru, who was shivering in place.

"Respect… your… _authorityyyy?"_ he ground out viciously.

Without any warning, Sharinguru's foot suddenly slammed down and cracked the stone of the Bridge.

"THE ONLY AUTHORITY THAT I RESPECT!" the Captain roared as he ripped the blade at his side from its sheath. "IS THAT OF _JUSTICE!"_ And with that, he leapt at Vivi, his sword-arm extended and his wrist rotating so rapidly that the blade became a disc of pure steel and _death._ " _JUSTICE MAELSTROM!"_

Vivi tensed in preparation to bl—no, that sword was equivalent to instant death, _definitely_ something to dodge. Before she could get a chance, however, a grenade came whistling in. The Wheel-man just barely noticed and managed to raise his attack between it and him before it detonated.

Of course, given the suction of the Justice Maelstrom, the resulting blast hit him all at once, knocking him out of the sky and sending him bouncing off the Bridge, scorched medium rare.

"I'm _very_ sorry if you wanted him for yourself, Vivi."

The Princess looked over at Conis, who was smiling lightly as she reloaded her grenade launcher.

"But you see," the gunner continued pleasantly. "The fact is that he _does_ seem like a pretty tough enemy, and I'd like to inflict some pain on him myself. Would you terribly mind if I took him off your hands?"

"We'll lay an absolute _world_ of hurt on him, we promise!" Su smirked sadistically.

Vivi blinked in surprise for a moment before smiling and shrugging indifferently. "Fine by me, that lunatic's ramblings were starting to grate at my ears. Meanwhile…"

Vivi's expression turned cold as she turned her attention behind Conis. " **Freeze,"** she ordered.

And so it was that Captain Gorilla froze mid-aim, barely staying on his feet.

The Princess smiled even as she jerked her Lion Cutters into her hands and started spinning them in preparation. "I'll handle this overgrown ape. Altogether, I think that for the two of us it should only take… what, thirty seconds?"

"Eh…" Conis wavered her hand side to side. "Personally, I'd prefer to call it a full minute. It's better to finish with time to spare than to be late, you know."

"Fair, fair. Now, then…" Vivi narrowed her gaze. "Shall we?"

Conis' expression hardened as she slammed her fist into her palm. " _Let's."_

And with that, the pirates began to approach their opponents.

**-o-**

Though it took him a moment to shake off the daze of the attack that had disrupted him, the Wheel-Marine Sharinguru was swift to get his bearings back and take notice of the pirate headed his way. His response to her approach was to snort indignantly. "Fool, SHING!" Sharinguru roared as he jabbed his blade at her. "Do you think that I, a Hero of JUSTICE, would ever allow—"

_**BLAM!** _

"GAH!" The Marine captain was promptly cut off by another of Conis' explosive shells going off in his face, causing him to reel back and sputter.

"Allow? Oh, I never thought you'd allow anything," Conis said, smiling sweetly even as she returned her grenade launcher to her back. "That doesn't mean you'll succeed. I am Conis of the Straw Hats, and that injury you inflicted on my friend?" Her expression promptly turned thunderous as she whipped two of her pistols out and held them at the ready. "That was the last hit you'll land today."

"You wish, _pirate,_ SLAM!" Sharinguru declared, shoving himself to his feet and spinning his legs beneath him. "For you see, TRUE JUSTICE will prevail today!" And with that, the Marine shoved his feet against the ground and took advantage of the spin from his heels to give him an extra-powerful burst of speed.

Conis kept her stance firm as she followed him with her guns. "Pistol…"

"BULLETS CANNOT HARM ME!" Sharinguru cackled as he brought his blade before him and started spinning it. "JUSTICE MAEL—!"

" _Lux."_

"— _GAGH!"_ The Captain promptly lost his stance when a flash of utterly _blinding_ light stabbed into his eyes, burning his retinas and causing him to crash into the bridge and roll to a halt as he flailed and clawed at his eyes. "YEARGH, WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Allow me to clarify something for you," Conis' voice filtered through the void of white that had devoured his eyesight. "Whereas your goggles are purely for show and offer nothing in the way of protection, _mine_ are reinforced and have tinted lenses. Just so you know, up until now I've been using conventional weaponry because, in all honesty, I didn't want to show my full hand until it was absolutely necessary. After what you did to my _friend_ , however…"

The twin clicks of two pistols being cocked prompted Sharinguru to spin up the armor hiding under his shirt, and he was only _just_ able to deflect the bullets that would have perforated him. With his vision finally clearing, Sharinguru staggered back to his feet and and eyed the pirate warily as she advanced on him.

"I'm going to go ahead and give you a crash course…" Conis intoned gravely as she drew her rifles from her back and held them at ready. "In _Sky Warfare."_

And with that, she whipped her rifles up and thumbed the secondary triggers hidden on them. "Rifle Incendium."

The Marine prepared to deliver yet another of his tirades, only for his words to die when he noticed a glow building up in the barrels of the guns. He hastily scoured what little knowledge of Latin he had, and his brow twitched at the answer. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—!"

_FWOOSH!_

Twin gouts of flame erupted from the rifles, spiking the temperature on the bridge and charring the stones. Conis felt her heart leap as Sharinguru was engulfed in the blaze.

" _JUSTICE TORNADO!"_

And then felt it _plummet_ when not only was the blaze dispersed, but a whirlwind of steel and death charged out at her.

" _Shit!"_ the gunner cursed fearfully as she dove to the side, the tornado only just missing her as it swept past her heels. The channel it carved out of the stone in passing did little to inspire confidence. The fact that the whirlwind was slowly adjusting its trajectory and circling back around at an even _faster_ speed did even less.

Conis swiftly sheathed her rifles, drew and unloaded her secondary set of pistols at the Marine, Flash Dials and all, and bit back a curse as absolutely jack came of it. "Oh, that is _not_ good."

"Bull _shit!_ He'd have to close his eyes to not be affected, how does he even steer without seeing anything?!" Su spat indignantly.

Conis growled as she returned her pistols to their holsters. "At a guess? I'd say his rank and powers mean that he has considerable leeway where collateral damage is—GRGH!" Conis cut herself off as she dodged again, and promptly paled when she noticed that she was missing a corner on her jacket. "Damn it, he's getting faster, and from what I've seen of Paramecias, I doubt he has an upper limit." She whipped her shotgun out from behind her back. "Only one option!"

"Sensible," Su nodded firmly as she analyzed the returning funnel. "Aim for his feet; that blade's at chest height, and with how fast he's going he might actually shred it."

Conis nodded and took aim before slowly lowering her gun as the whirlwind somehow rose into the _air_. "You have _got_ to be kidding me…"

"THE HAMMER OF JUSTICE FALLS FROM ABOVE!" Sharinguru roared before dropping out of the sky.

Barely keeping her panic in check, Conis whipped her hand-cannon up at her adversary—

"Shotgun Palus!"

—and triggered the Swamp Cloud Dial installed within, blasting a thick, syrupy glob of clouds at her adversary. Conis _swore_ that her heart stopped when Sharinguru's blades shredded the clouds apart—and then a second later, the remnants were sucked back into the whirlwind.

"Ack! What—GAH!" was all the Marine managed to get out before the Swamp Cloud gummed his works up completely and sent him crashing to the ground, upon which he face-planted in a _very_ painful manner.

"Tseeheehee! Do 'Hammers of Justice' usually get caught on clouds halfway down and wind up eating pavement?" Su snickered.

"Be nice, Su," Conis admonished as she stowed her shotgun and took hold of the grip of her bazooka. She was _about_ to pull it out…

"You…"

But then paused and raised an eyebrow as Sharinguru jerked in place. She wasn't disappointed.

"You damn PIRATES!" Sharinguru roared as he snapped his head up, his eyes wide and spittle and more than a little foam flying from his mouth. He struggled fiercely against the dense mass of Swamp Cloud, but all he managed to achieve was to work himself up into a kneeling position. "You think that this changes anything?! You think I've _lost!?_ I'm the _Hero,_ you idiots! Heroes never lose! They are _never_ weak, they are _never_ helpless! They come back from behind, and the villains never ever ever ever EVER _WIN!"_

Conis narrowed her eyes at the tirade and slowly strode forwards, coming closer and closer even as the Marine ranted and raved.

"You'll see, you damn pirate!" Sharinguru howled as he pulled as hard as he could. "Gorilla will free me, or one of the soldiers with us will grow a damn spine and defeat you! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS REJECT YOU! JUSTICE WILL FOREVER PREVAIL, AND I, THE HERO, _WILL NEVER—!"_

_KA-CLICK!_

Sharinguru was silenced by Conis heaving her Burn Bazooka _over_ her shoulder rather than under it and pointing the secondary muzzle at him.

"Hey, Wheely?"

The Captain's gaze snapped to the Cloud Fox on the gunner's shoulder, who was grinning victoriously as her tail swayed from side to side.

"Newsflash for you," she sang. "See, the thing about heroes? _They don't_ always _win."_

"And everyone," Conis picked up as she cocked her gun. "Is the hero of their own story." She then tilted her head to the side and smiled. "I'm truly sorry, but it would appear that the world preferred our story to yours. Goodbye."

She then pulled the trigger.

" _Reject Bazooka."_

_**BANG!** _

The Reject Dial within the bazooka _roared_ as it fired, slamming a pillar of compressed air stronger than any Burn Bazooka could ever hope to achieve into Sharinguru and _ripping_ both him and his Swamp Cloud bonds from the Bridge. The Captain arced high into the air and hung for a brief moment before coming back down and crashing into the deck of one of the battleships, his velocity punching him clean through and taking him out of sight.

Conis took in the sight for a second as she confirmed that she'd _won,_ before slumping to her knees and clutching her shoulder with a pained hiss. "Owowowowwwww that hurts!" she groaned through gritted teeth as she massaged the throbbing joint. "That was through a medium, without physical contact and with _barely_ any charge in it, and it still almost took me clean off my feet! How in the name of the Blue Seas did Wiper fire off that thing three times in one day without losing his arm!?"

"Beeecause he's a monster worthy of this crew?" Su replied with a cocked eyebrow.

Conis paused thoughtfully at that before hanging her head with a sigh. "Yeah, that's true…" A second later, however, she managed to give Su a smile. "But still… no matter how much it hurts, I wouldn't trade places with him for the world."

"Tseeheehee!" Su giggled as she lightly butted her forehead against her friend's. "You know it!"

**-o-**

Gorilla charged towards his new opponent, rearing his rifle back as he prepared to _literally_ knock the princess' block off her neck. He was broadcasting pretty blatantly, but he didn't doubt that any attempt to block it would be insufficient against his strength.

" _STOP!"_

And then, for an instant, he froze. Just an instant. It was only less than a second, but in a fight, a second equaled an eternity, and it was this eternity that allowed Vivi to wrap one of her Lion Cutters around his leg and _yank,_ which, when combined with his off-balance position, resulted in him faceplanting on the pavement.

The large Marine raised himself on his palms with a snarl as he glared at the princess. "You…"

"Me," Vivi replied frigidly. "I might not quite have full control of this new ability yet, but I was wrong earlier. Thirty seconds is too much time by half." She grabbed her other cutter and pointed its blade at the Captain. "Four seconds is plenty of time."

Gorilla didn't deign to reply, lifting up his gun to fire instead.

" _Hit yourself."_

The response was only a twitch, albeit a strong twitch, but it was enough to send the bullet wide. Gorilla grimaced ferociously as he took aim again. "Right. Starting after this mission, I'm going to start carrying ear protectors. Let's try that again."

" _Throw the gun off th_ **e bridge."**

Gorilla cursed furiously as his arm snapped out to the side. He was only just able to grab the butt of the weapon with his fingers before it left his reach. "You little—!"

" _There_ we go, now I just need to hold onto that feeling. Now, **hold still."**

Gorilla involuntarily tensed up his form, and Vivi flung her cutter at the arm holding the gun. Her aim was true, it struck his shoulder. And then it bounced off. Vivi's eye twitched in annoyance.

"Alright, how are you doing that? **Explain.** "

"Pah! I would never explain to you that I'm using Iron Body, of course," Gorilla scoffed. "CP9 aren't the only ones with access to the Six Powers, they're just the only ones who are required to master them all and who do so. Some of us, however, find it useful to add some of the techniques to our own arsenals. It's common sense, really, but of course, I'd never tell _you_ that." A second later, his eyes snapped wide in shock. "Wait, _what the hell!?"_

"…Wow _,_ that worked better than I thought it would," Vivi whistled in awe before freezing as a thought struck her. "I am _really_ going to have to be careful around Cross. One wrong word and he'll never shut—!"

The instant Gorilla regained control of his muscles, he pumped his legs as hard as he could and Shaved at the Princess, hand outstretched in desperation.

' _Just need to shut her up, just need to shut her up—!'_ he thought desperately.

" **Halt."**

Instead of shutting her up, he started swearing up a blue streak as he was halted once again. He even prepared to say something, but his words died in his mouth when his enemy looked him in the eye and _stared._

" **You will not move for ten seconds,"** she ordered frigidly. " **Is. That.** _ **Clear?"**_

"Yes, ma'am!" the behemoth of a man whimpered fearfully.

Vivi responded by loosing the breath she'd been holding in a sigh of relief. "Good, because _that_ was a gamble. Now, then." She allowed her Lion Cutters to slip out of her palms so that she was holding them both by their chain. "Let's finish you off, shall we?"

With that, she surged forward and whipped around the Marine Captain. It wasn't Shave-levels of speed, admittedly, but in the course of eight seconds she'd wrapped her weapon's chain around Gorilla's torso in an X and was standing behind him, arms spread and at the ready.

Gorilla eyed his chest warily for a moment before casting a glare over his shoulder. "This won't change anything, you know? My Iron Body is impenetrable! And once this fails, I'm going to—!"

"Oh, why don't you just shut up…" Vivi sighed wearily, followed by a hint of menace in her eyes. "And **relax?"**

The second that last word hit Captain Gorilla's ears, his very being, his body and mind had two entirely opposite reactions. While Gorilla's mind was filled with nothing short of pure and utter existential terror, his body completely relaxed, every one of his muscles loosening as he adopted a calm, slumped-over stance.

"If it's any consolation?" Vivi shrugged casually. "I'm fairly certain that you _should_ lose consciousness almost instantly from blood loss. But for now…" Her eyes narrowed menacingly. "For the crimes of driving my country to revolution, threatening the crew who saved me in every conceivable way, and _stealing my friend,_ I sentence you to the mercy of your superiors." She tightened her grip on her chain. "May Osiris have mercy on your soul because they and I will _NOT!"_ And with that, she ripped her chains forwards. " _IMPERIAL EXECUTION!"_

_**SPURT!**_ "AAAGH!"

The curved blades carved a massive X-shaped gash into the Captain's torso, blood spraying into the air. And indeed, the captain's eyes rolled up in his head, showing only the whites.

Vivi held her pose for a moment even as the Captain slumped to his knees. Then, she turned around and bowed slightly. "Sorry, that was a bit harsh and I let my emotions take control of me. I truly hope that you manage to recover. So… no hard feelings?"

"Hrghghhhh…"

"…taking that as a maybe."

"This… This can't be happening! _THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!"_ Spandam hollered from down the street.

"You'd better damn well believe that it is, you bastard!" Vivi called after him. "And once we get our hands on you, _you're next!"_

"Vivi!" Conis called out as she jogged up to the princess. "Do you need any—ERK!" A shiver ran up the gunner's spine as of her boots came down in the puddle of blood spreading out from Gorilla's prone form. "…Never mind, then."

"Yeah, I'm…" Vivi heaved a sigh as she nodded in agreement. "It was tough, but I'm alright. Now that that's out of the way, let's head after Carue and—"

The sound of a hundred flintlocks cocking rang out from the firing line the Marines had set up, three deep and stretching between each side of the bridge. More Marines could be seen aiming rifles at them from the crow's nests of the battleships, others setting up mortars on the decks, and still others fingering their melee weapons behind the firing lines. Rounding out the gathered force was a Marine in a Lieutenant's uniform, slowly clapping with a Su-worthy grin on his face.

"Congratulations," the Lieutenant stated smugly. "You beat Captain Sharinguru and Captain Gorilla. Very impressive, I'll admit. That still leaves, oh, about two thousand of us." A pause, and then he neatly sidestepped a whistling projectile. "And while that sniper of yours is impressive, I have my doubts that he can stop a mass charge."

_That_ elicited a bout of mad cackling from Spandam. "WAHAHAHA! Yes, yes! Crush them, crush them like the scum they are! Drive them into the—! Eh? Wait a second… WHY THE HELL CAN YOU ALL MOVE WHILE I'M STILL PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN!?"

"The grace of God?" Su muttered to herself as she glanced upwards.

Ignoring the exchange, Vivi and Conis exchanged uneasy glances.

"This is going to _suck_ , isn't it?" Conis groaned as she reluctantly underslung her bazooka.

"Oh, _big time,"_ Vivi confirmed morosely as she crossed her Lion Cutters before her.

The Marines chose that moment to begin flooding off of the battleships and cascading towards them, and the brawl commenced with gusto.

**-o-**

White.

If you had to pick one adjective capable of describing the massive bathroom in which the fight between CP9's only and the Straw Hat Pirates' first female members was occurring, white would be it. Fluffy cloud clashed with equally fluffy suds, occasionally splitting and fracturing on account of blinding lightning bolts and swift Tempest Kicks crisscrossing and clashing through the air.

It was nothing short of a deadlock due to the two opponents' fighting styles being polar opposites. While Nami's Iron Cloud was perfect in its ineffable durability, standing undaunted against the flood of suds, Kalifa's flood was blindingly fast and practically neverending in the number of bubbles she could provide. Furthermore, for all that the clouds were impenetrable and relatively swift, they had nothing on Kalifa's Shave and her suds.

In short, while Kalifa couldn't get close enough to so much as lay a finger on Nami, neither could Nami come close to even brushing Kalifa.

And considering how the two had been locked in the same stalemate for the last _ten minutes_ , it was something of an understatement to say that the two parties were more than a little aggravated.

Kalifa growled irritably as yet _another_ wave of suds washed over the Iron Cloud defense to no avail, provoking another lightning bolt that she herself allowed to wash over her own defenses. ' _We're going nowhere at the speed of light,'_ she thought indignantly. ' _One pirate is managing to give me this much trouble, and she's not even one of the_ strong _ones! This is_ embarrassing _, just what the hell can I—!'_ Kalifa blinked thoughtfully as a thought came to her, an eager smile spreading over her lips. ' _Ohhh, yes, that will do nicely.'_

And so, the assassin suddenly came to a halt and threw her arm out, dispelling her suds and drawing Nami up short in confusion. "Allow me to make a statement that I'm sure you'll agree with," the blonde killer stated in a professional tone. "This stalemate has prolonged to the point that it's barely even a fight anymore; neither one of us is making any progress, and I can only assume that you are as irritated as I am."

"You may be a bitch, but I can agree with that," Nami replied testily, drawing her clouds around herself in the process. "But unless you're ready to do the _smart_ thing and hold still so that I can char you into a briquet, I don't see your point in stating the obvious."

"Oh, my point is _quite_ simple, I assure you," Kalifa sniffed haughtily. "While I was hoping to finish this in an enjoyable manner, simple and clean and all that, the fact that a Buster Call—and an apoplectic Fleet Admiral Sengoku—are apparently heading this way, means that I am pressed for time. As such." She adjusted her glasses so that they caught the light. "I'll just have to pull out my trump card."

Before Nami could react, Kalifa leaned over and slid her hands up her body. Suds roiled up from the points of contact as she flexed her power, and the bubbles quickly spread first across her arms, then the rest of her body. Soon, she was clad in a full suit of medieval knight-style armor… made entirely out of soap bubbles.

"Soap Armor," Kalifa proudly declared.

For a moment, there was silence.

"…You look fucking ridiculous, Bubbly," Nami finally declared.

Kalifa ignored the slight with a haughty laugh. "You won't be laughing once you observe the full might of my armor's power!" And with that, the Bubble-woman slammed her visor down and cast her arm out, conjuring a claymore of pure bubbles. "En garde!" And with that, she charged straight for the mass of Iron Cloud.

Nami, for her part, snorted derisively as she watched the charge. Honestly, she'd expected a lot more than _this_ from the Government agent. With an almost careless flick of her wrist, the Navigator launched several balls of electricity at her opponent. Every ball hit its mark, discharging their voltage into the suds and causing them to dissolve in order to expose— _absolutely nothing!?_

"What the _hell!?"_ Nami squawked as the suit of 'armor' collapsed into a puddle of sudsy water, before paling as a thought struck her. "…Oh, don't tell me she's a _Logia!"_

"Not quite."

If Nami had paled before, her blood straight up _froze_ when a pair of iron-hard arms wrapped around her, one clenching her around her windpipe in a chokehold, and one wrapping around the… _lower_ part of the pirate's body.

"Where the _hell_ do you think you're touching!?" Nami hissed.

"Wherever I damn well please, _pirate,"_ Kalifa smirked in Nami's ear. "And for the record, I lied earlier; that was actually my Soap _Doppelgänger_. Now…" Nami's breath hitched when Kalifa flexed her arm around her neck. "How about we put an end to this?"

Even with her air supply obstructed, Nami grit her teeth defiantly and swung her Clima-Tact upwards, sending a wave of Cool Balls at the cloud she'd had floating above the battlefield since the fight had started in earnest. Nami smirked as the heavens burst and a torrential downpour cascaded down upon the pair.

Said smirk died a swift death when Kalifa's only response was to chuckle confidently.

"Ah, you poor, poor girl," the assassin lamented in a faux-sympathetic tone. "So, you figured out how to counter my Golden Bubbles before I could even apply them to you, hm? And even went so far as to make it _rain_ indoors in order to counter me. Impressive, really, but ultimately fruitless."

"W-What are you— _grk!"_ Nami choked painfully as Kalifa squeezed her throat tight and immobilized her.

"Because you see," Kalifa forged on as though she hadn't been interrupted. "I don't plan on using my Golden Bubbles on you, or even killing you, for that matter. Normally, I would just crush your skull like an egg and be done with you, but in light of your crew's… _unprecedented_ actions and the recent expansion of my own arsenal, I've decided to, shall we say, _experiment_ a bit."

The Soap-woman drew her free arm up Nami's side, creating a stream of bubbles even in spite of the rain soaking them both. "My Golden Bubbles wash away everything they come in contact with; filth, strength, even friction itself. So, I'm left wondering… what else can they wash away, hm? Just what…" She started trailing her finger around her captive's ear. "Can these powers _do?"_

Nami's heart all but stopped in her chest as the full implications of what she was hearing hit her. "No…" Nami angled her head as much as she could so that she could stare back at Kalifa in horror. "N-N-No, y-you _can't—!"_

"Ah, but the truth is?" Kalifa spun her hand and evoked a small mass of bubbles in her palm, angled _just_ so that they were shielded from the rain and positioned right over Nami's ear. "I _can._ _Chrome Bubble_ _Cleanse."_

Nami struggled and writhed desperately in the woman's grip, but it was no use. She gasped out a scream as the assassin's hand clamped onto her head and shoved a surge of suds down her ear canals.

"Nonono, _NO!"_ Nami cried fearfully, fighting to get away as hard as she could. She needed to get out, get away, she couldn't let… let… heeeerrr _rrrhghhhrrr…_

Nami's breath caught in her throat and her eyes rolled up in her skull as everything went _white._ Any thoughts of escape, of struggle or resistance or… _anything_ really, dissolved into aether as the soap flowed through her mind. It was just so… so _relaxing,_ as if the soap was scouring away all of the stress and grime that had been building up in her for her whole life. Her muscles rapidly turned to jelly and she fell slack in Kalifa's arms, her eyes glazed and unfocused and her expression as blank as a newfound slate.

Kalifa cocked her eyebrow as she observed the pirate's limp form before stepping back and allowing her to drop, adjusting her glasses as she got a better look at her work. "Interesting. I was expecting a bit more of a struggle, but honestly this might be for the best. Speed kills and all that."

Now, an important fact to note is that most other opponents or enemies would have left some form of parting shot or another to the unmoving vegetable that had moments before been a navigator wielding a weather-manipulating staff. But as it was, Kalifa was a consummate professional. As such, she merely allowed herself a victorious smirk before turning around and walking away.

As she all but strutted for the door to her room, she amused herself with thoughts of how the pirates would react if they managed to find what was left of their navigator before they were destroyed, while at the same time strategizing how she could further utilize and refine her latest technique in the future. Admittedly, the most difficult part of the endeavor would be finding test subjects, but chances were that—

"Vortex."

Kalifa blinked in confusion when she felt a breeze brush against the back of her neck and heard a whisper drift through the air. "Wha—?"

" _Tempo."_

The assassin barely had a moment to feel the wind at her back start to accelerate before her instinct _screamed_ at her, prompting her to drop to the ground and bury an Iron Body-enhanced fist in the floor. The resulting anchor wasn't a moment too soon, because it was all that prevented Kalifa from being sucked into the cyclone that suddenly spun into existence in the center of the room and sucked up all of the remaining suds.

Kalifa craned her neck over her shoulder and paled in shock as she caught sight of Nami standing tall and proud in the eye of the cyclone, her Clima-Tact spinning above her head and a smug grin on her face.

"Surprised?" the pirate drawled.

"You… damn it, you were only pretending!" Kalifa hissed in equal parts fear and fury.

"Ah… heh, no," Nami chuckled as she shook her head. "No, see, that reaction was real, but the _effects_ weren't nearly as bad as you'd hoped they were. I mean, come on, what did you expect? You've only had your powers for a few hours. You really think that you could master them _that_ fast?" The navigator gave an amused shake of her head. "You altered my mind, sure, but all you really did was wash away _parts_ of it. My stress, my frustration, my anger, almost all of the negativity that's been festering in my mind my whole life is just… _gone._ "

Nami smiled slightly as she cocked her head to the side. "Honestly, I _would_ thank you for it, I feel calmer and more relaxed then I have in years…"

Nami's expression darkened with fury as she snapped her arm down and swung her staff out. As a result, the cyclone she was ensconced in came to a halt, but not only did the pillar of cloud not dissipate, but the room began to crackle and reek of ozone.

"But in case you didn't notice, I said 'almost'," the pirate explained grimly.

Kalifa stood up and turned to face her opponent, and promptly froze up as she noticed that, in spite of the suds she'd produced being melted away by the rain, the room was _still white_. But only mostly, seeing as the walls were rapidly turning black.

"Because, in the end…" Nami narrowed her eyes menacingly. " _Nothing_ can make me forgive you for hurting my friends."

As the Iron Clouds her opponent had wrapped herself in molded themselves into a mesh cage, Kalifa could only bring herself to say a single thing.

"…I should have tried my luck with Lucci."

"Considering how you chose to face _us_ instead? Yes. You should have. _Nimbus Tempo."_

And then the _very air itself_ was lightning.

**-o-**

Blueno slapped his hands over his ears as a thunderclap loud enough to wake the dead sounded out from high above him. Running through the possibilities, he grimaced as he considered what either Kalifa or Fukuro had just had to endure.

He didn't count Kaku or Kumadori amongst the possible targets of the meteorological assault, as the former was fighting Roronoa Zoro rather than Nami, based on Cross' earlier rant, and the latter… well, he had _already_ caught sight of his comrade's bloody, unconscious form in the midst of his flight from the Straw Hats' chef. A flight which, for the record, was still ongoing and not slowing down at all.

To his credit, Blueno was taking full advantage of the mobility that Shave and Moonwalk afforded him, as well as his Door-Door Fruit allowing him to ignore any physical barriers in his path. But going by the fact that said barriers were being systematically _pulverized_ behind him, the cook clearly wasn't slowing down either.

And as if his opponent's sheer persistence wasn't bad enough, the fact was that Blueno's foe was as much of a monster as the two— _three_ Zoans of CP9 were meant that he could use the Tower of Justice itself as a practically inexhaustible store of ammunition. It had taken almost a dozen blows from the pirate before Blueno managed to get it into his head that he didn't even stand a _ghost_ of a chance at taking him on in a straight fight, prompting the switch to his current strategy.

He couldn't fight back while the pirate was in the Air Door, and if he tried to open the way in, he would be lucky if _any_ of his bones were left intact; forcing the pirate out would require more thought and force than he was capable of at the moment. As such, his only option was to run as fast and as hard as he possibly could.

After a quick series of turns through a trio of walls in order to gain a lead, however marginal, the bull-haired assassin took the opportunity to hunch over and wheeze as he tried to get his breath back. Strong as he was, even the agents of CP9 had their limits, and he was rapidly approaching his. He needed to end things fast, or else… well, that didn't really bear thinking about.

Once he got some oxygen back in his lungs, Blueno looked around in an effort to regain his bearings, mentally reviewing the layout of the Tower. Second floor, fifth corridor on the west side, which meant—

Blueno paused thoughtfully for a moment, and then a brutal grin split his face as a plan came to his mind.

**-o-**

Meanwhile, on the other side of the dimensional axis, Sanji was getting tired, both physically and of the situation in general. His adrenaline and righteous rage were helping him keep pace with the assassin, sure, but not even he could keep going strong after kicking down wall after _far_ more durable than average wall. Not to mention the fact that, to reiterate, he was breathing stale air and the assassin was making no attempt to open the way for a direct fight.

That was easily the most difficult aspect of the conflict; he needed to somehow exit the Air Door before he knocked the assassin unconscious, or else he'd _still_ be stranded forever, and he had to do it in such a manner that the bull didn't enter it himself, or else he and the whole crew would lose by default.

' _And to make matters even_ worse,' Sanji reflected sourly, as he leveled yet _another_ wall. ' _I've already run through every beef recipe I know to help keep me focused.'_ He shook his head dismissively as he dashed through the rubble. ' _Bah, considering what I'll be starting with, it'd be more appropriate to run through recipes focusing on_ cows, _anyway.'_

Moving on from his supremely cathartic thoughts, Sanji scanned around the room as the dust cleared. Going by the array of weaponry strewn about, easy money said that this was the armory of the Tower, or one of them, more likely, given the sheer size of the facility. The chef shivered slightly as the sight of the military arsenal caused dark memories to stir in the recesses of his mind, but he shook them off in favor of concentrating on the here and now.

Sanji glanced around the room, searching for any signs of a closing door…

_CLINK!_

When he was brought up short by the sound of metal dropping onto a solid surface. He glanced in the direction of the sound and raised an eyebrow when he caught sight of a half-dozen familiar objects rolling on the floor, all missing critical safety components.

"Grenades," Sanji noted calmly.

Then his mind caught up with him and he all but inhaled his cigarette.

"Oh, _SHI—!"_

He only just managed to throw himself back through the hole in the wall before the grenades detonated.

**-o-**

Blueno smirked victoriously as a blast of flame and smoke shot out of the hand-sized Air Door he'd opened. Going by the curse he'd just heard, if his trick hadn't managed to finish off the pirate, then at _minimum,_ he was injured or off balance. Still, given how tough he'd been up until then…

"Air Peephole," Blueno stated for his own benefit, pressing against the air and sliding it to the side, opening a line of sight into his dimension. A mass of smoke met his vision, but in the middle of it, he could pick up a very humanoid silhouette… spinning around in place?

"Hmph," the assassin snorted derisively as he shut the hole and walked over to where Sanji was on the other side. "He must be concussed or something. At this point, I'll be putting him out of his misery."

Once he was correctly positioned, Blueno shoved an Air Door open, leaped through and made a grab for Sanji's head. He then was forced to switch his leap to a roll when he fell through thin air instead.

He was just starting to get his breath back when a creaking sound, followed by a voice, came from behind him.

"Eh?" Blueno swung his head around in confusion. "The hell—!? Where did he—?"

"Welcome," a dry and downright malevolent voice drawled behind Blueno, freezing his blood in his veins. "To the Crap Café."

Blueno spun around just in time to catch sight of a flaming _foot_ slamming his only escape route shut.

The blond cook took a deep drag of cigarette as he regarded the assassin. "My name is Sanji," he continued tonelessly. "And I will be both your waiter and your cook today."

Blueno remained frozen in place as Sanji started to stalk towards him.

"Allow me to list," Sanji's next drag lit a proper flame at the end of his cigarette. "The _twelve-course meal_ we have planned for you tonight."

And with that, he _moved._

**-o-**

A few corridors off from the armory where Blueno had pulled his ploy lay the central staircase of the Tower of Justice, a magnificent work of architecture that flowed upwards and downwards without any difficulties or gaps from the many floors that it crossed. While some parts of the structure had been ravaged by the conflict going on within the building, apart from the tower's bisection and a few other areas, the stairwell was largely unmolested by the fight. It was a true credit to the World Government's architects that the area managed to remain pristine-looking in the midst of all the destruction.

Then a wall imploded and any and all semblance of immaculate perfection shattered in an instant.

A moment later, another wall was ruined, this time by fractures radiating from a central point of impact. Then another, and another after that. Up and down the staircase at varying intervals, the stonework of the stairwell, from walls to steps to railings, all started to disintegrate.

From sites of impact to outright shattering, it was as though some invisible wrecking crew was raining down unholy hell upon the stairwell.

Finally, after about a minute or so, the destruction suddenly halted and the world fell silent.

And _then_ , all at once, a pair of double-doors started to open in midair in the dead center of the stairwell.

"FLAMBÉ BARRAGE!"

Said doors were promptly _blasted_ off their hinges by a suit-wearing minotaur slamming through them, his eyes rolled into his head and blood flying from his mouth on account of the blazing volley of flaming arcs of air that were slamming into his chest. Said arcs were being launched from the blazing leg of the blond cook who followed the minotaur through the dimensional gap moments after him before the hole could fade into nonexistence.

Satisfied with his assault, Sanji flipped and landed on one of the intact railings in the stairwell, taking the reprieve to draw a cigarette and his lighter from his pockets, his previous cigarette having been ashed over the course of his assault.

"You damn slippery bull…" he growled to himself, glaring up over his shoulder towards Blueno's falling form as he flicked a flame out of his lighter. "You made me miss out on a chance to covertly check out the room of the beautiful Kalifa."

In spite of his rage, Sanji looked away as Blueno reached the apex of his arc and started to fall, taking a calming drag from his cigarette before sighing out a cloud of smoke. "But, then again, I suppose it just can't be helped. After all…"

Blueno's smoking body smashed into the ground floor of the tower in a heap, shattering the stonework into dust. He didn't get back up.

"This prince is already occupied with saving his fair lady."

**-o-**

On the island of Enies Lobby, there was a tower. Inside the Tower of Justice was a room. That room, which belonged to Jabra of CP9, was decorated in the manner of the great gardens of the country Wano. At its best, it was a serene, beautiful place where Jabra could vent his frustrations when training and missions failed to do so.

One would be hard-pressed to call it beautiful anymore.

The lovingly maintained grass was torn up and shredded, revealing large patches of bare sod. The rest of the plant life in the room had fared no better, reduced to salad and sawdust by cutting force. At least one rock had a massive square-shaped hole going dead center. And, of course, there was the entire ceiling slowly sliding off like the world's largest Jenga piece.

And about fifteen feet to the left of center was the culprit of this devastation: a whirlwind of steel, razor air, and one massive square nose. A great swordsman once said, "Without subtlety, a sword is but an iron bar." The duel between Zoro and Kaku held no such subtlety by this point. Three-sword style, Four-sword Giraffe style, both discarded for good old hack and slash. Each blow was a killing blow, each parry attempted to break the sword that landed on it. It was the swordsman equivalent of a back-alley brawl.

And it was a brawl Kaku was losing.

Not quickly, mind you. Why, to the eyes of most casual observers, it looked like he wasn't even losing at all. But the eyes of an _astute_ watcher would notice one crucial fact: Zoro was on the offensive, and he was controlling the pace of the fight. The giraffe-man's every action was a _re_ action, and he was giving ground.

Still, he had a plan. As he slowly retreated, he drew his neck in, ostensibly to increase the reach of his limbs to better defend against the relentless onslaught he was being subjected to. And that did help, Zoro's slashes falling further away from his soft underbelly. But it was still only a delay; Kaku had a much more offensive move planned.

Finally, it was enough. His nose shot out like a cannon shot, the shout of "GIRAFFE BLAST!" ringing out, and smashed into Zoro's crossed swords with a massive metallic clang. The pirate grunted, the muscles in his arms bulging, and with a roar he threw Kaku to the side, the giraffe-man rolling.

"Do you know what the definition of insanity is?" Zoro growled, sheathing Kitetsu and Yubashiri. "Trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Two-Sword Style…"

Before Kaku could pull up his guard again, his opponent was on him, swords ready to flash from their sheaths.

"—Castle Gate!"

"Tempest Kick!"

Sadly, the blast, instead of hitting vulnerable Iron Body, skittered off the roaring winds of Kaku's favorite of the Six Powers.

"And I could say the same to you," Kaku retorted, landing back on his feet. "As I said before: it's up to me whether I catch an attack with Iron Body or not." And with that, he hopped onto his hand and began spinning his body around, the Sky Slicer starting to form around the arc.

"Tch," Zoro grunted, re-drawing his swords and pulling them back. "You're wide open like that! 108 Caliber Phoenix!"

"Sky Slicer!" Kaku called out as he hastily aborted the attack, though the wind already gathered was more than sufficient to cancel out the incoming Phoenix.

As Kaku flipped back on his feet, the two fighters evaluated their options. The number of attacks available to them capable of punching through Iron Body—' _And wasn't_ that _a fine thing to discover mid-battle!'_ Kaku thought bitterly as his hoof throbbed in memory—had been essentially expended already. And as for trying to remain mobile to deny him the usage of Iron Body… well, that was a doomed tactic for any assassin worth their salt, as proven by the earlier clash.

True, the agent could _try_ to turn the fight into a battle of escalation, pumping more and more sheer power into his attacks until he overwhelmed the pirate…

Kaku gave the swordsman a once-over before shivering heavily. But no; young though his abilities might have been, he still had _some_ measure of animal instincts in him, and they were all roaring at full cylinders that trying to go blow for blow with his opponent was a thoroughly _bad_ idea.

So, if mobility, ability, and strength were out, then all that was left was…

Zoro blinked in surprise as Kaku shrank back down to his human form, but he didn't let the tension leave his stance.

Kaku leveled a firm gaze at his opponent. "It's clear that we're not getting anywhere with the pace we're going at, and considering what's on the way to the island right now, I think it would be in our best interests to finish this. I propose that we both drop our Iron Bodies…" He raised his two swords. "And we put our energies into one final sword technique. The winner walks away, and the loser falls."

Zoro took only a second to process that before smirking. "I accept," he growled eagerly.

Kaku nodded and brought up his swords, arms held wide and tips pointed inwards. Zoro reciprocated, putting the hilts of his handheld swords together, the blades pointing clockwise, one in a standard grip and the other in a reverse grip. For a tense moment, neither of them moved, and then Kaku surged forward with the fastest Shave he could muster.

"Three-Sword Style…" Zoro announced, spinning his swords in a circle.

Mid-Shave, Kaku spread his swords out, blades pointing in, and activated his Iron Body to take whatever attack was coming. And he had a little something extra planned for once he launched his own attack.

"Secret Technique…"

Kaku was just launching his attack, swords moving in…

"Three Thousand Worlds!"

And then Kitetsu flashed down out of the spin, shattering his swords like spun glass. Yubashiri came around the next second, carving through his Iron Body like so much wax paper and opening him up from hip to collarbone. Wado Ichimonji adding another cut over his chest was just salt in the wound.

Kaku hit the ground shoulder-first, flipping onto his back and reverting back to his human form before coming to a stop. For a few seconds, he just lay there, gasping and panting in pain. He had lost.

"You… You knew that I… cheated…" the Giraffe-man wheezed. "You knew that… I'd use my powers… that I'd use… Iron Body… how—?"

"Because while you definitely have real skills, you're not a swordsman," Zoro calmly replied as he drew his bandanna from his head and sheathed his swords. "Not a swordsman first, at any rate. Above all else, you are an assassin. That means you let neither pride nor honor stand in the way of your victory."

Kaku was silent for a moment as he stared upward before allowing a smile to part his lips. "Heh…" he chuckled grimly. "Yeah, that's… about the right of it. Fat lot of good— _ergh!—_ it did me this time around…" The assassin lapsed into silence for a moment before turning a bittersweet smile on Zoro. "You didn't even… use your full strength… did you?"

Zoro regarded him for a second before hanging his head with a sigh as he scratched the back of his head. "Sorry about that, I just wanted the fight to last longer. For what it's worth? You _were_ the best fight I've had in a long time."

"Heh… heheh…" Kaku coughed up a mouthful of blood as he chuckled. "High praise, coming from you… at least I can say… I still have my pride." He shifted around a bit before frowning in annoyance. "Ah… could you reach into my jacket? Left breast pocket, it's— _ugh!—_ where my key is. I'd get it myself… but my arms, well…"

Wordlessly, the green-haired swordsman moved over to Kaku, his guard not faltering despite the apparent helplessness of the assassin. But as he withdrew the key from the specified pocket, Zoro's expression lightened somewhat.

"Looks like you have more honor than I gave you credit for," he said. And with that, he rose and began walking away, out of the ruined garden. But as evidenced by the giraffe-man speaking up, again, his ex-opponent wasn't unconscious yet.

"I… I have no doubt that I'm only entertaining this… because of how I think that there's more blood… outside of my body than in it. But… I don't suppose… you have an open space on your crew?" Kaku's smile took on a pessimistic overtone. "I… think there's a very good chance that I might be out of a job."

Zoro paused for a moment before shooting a half-smirk over his shoulder. "While I'm sure that Luffy would let you join if you really wanted to, the fact is that we've already got someone lined up for the position you're most likely thinking of. And this might be a bit unusual for me, but… I'll admit that he's pretty cool. In fact…" His smirk became a full-blown grin. "I'd even go so far as to say he's downright _super."_

And with that, Zoro resumed walking towards the exit from the devastated room.

Kaku stayed quiet for a moment as he processed the parting statement before allowing a bloody chuckle to escape. "Heh… heheheh… I-I guess…" he giggled to nobody in particular. "That today… just really isn't my day, huh? Heheh, heheheh!"

Whether by chance or by divine intervention, an ordinary, everyday rooster chose that exact moment to flap over and perch itself on the tip of the assassin's nose.

This twist of fate only made him laugh harder for the last few seconds of consciousness he had left.

**-o-**

Carue clenched his beak together as Funkfreed's razor-edged trunk swept through where his head had been milliseconds before. The tusks, just as sharp, proved just as ineffective. Unfortunately, as good as his dodging was, it was _all_ he could do. His claws had proven themselves to be completely ineffectual against the elephant-sword's thick, steel-hard hide, and after the first time his Shave-charge had bounced off of Funkfreed's skull, he had proceeded to fill the length of the bridge with his serpentine bulk and block every avenue of attack.

' _I guess he's the bodyguard of someone of that much authority for a good reason,'_ the duck reflected sourly.

"That's right, Funkfreed! Don't give that overgrown duck even an inch!" Spandam cheered.

As much as Spandam's voice grated at Carue's ears, it also served to help goad him on, his mind flying at a million miles an hour in an attempt to devise _some_ way around the living sword before it was too late—

"AH!"

Only for his thought process to slam to a halt when a pained cry cut through the pandemonium of the bridge.

' _Vivi!'_

Carue didn't even hesitate for a second before turning on his heel and tearing down the Bridge of Hesitation, the world slowing to a halt as he pushed his body to the limit and dashed through the masses of Marines towards his charge.

' _I need to protect Vivi, I need to protect Vivi!'_ Over and over, the mantra that he'd drilled into his head since he was a chick rang through his skull, pushing the Supersonic Duck even faster. Within less than a minute, he was within eyesight of his friends. His claws bit into the stone of the bridge, tensing for a Shave that would put him right next to her.

' _I need to protect—!…eh?'_

And then, he actually _looked_ at the scene before him, and the mantra fell away. The reason for this was that while Vivi had managed to accrue a small collection of cuts, scrapes, and bruises on her person, every single one of them was minor. Even the major wound in her gut, despite its size and apparent severity, was clearly not hampering her in the least, as the way she was systematically cutting down any Marines that approached her attested to.

Even as he watched a fireteam of Marines charge her, Carue could already tell what they couldn't and didn't: they were already defeated the instant they decided to stand against her. And as Vivi's Lion Cutters wrapped around them and tore through them, an epiphany happened to strike Carue.

' _I_ don't _need to protect Vivi…'_ he thought, the realization hitting him like one of Eneru's thunderbolts. ' _Vivi's gotten stronger. She's strong enough that she can handle herself. I… I_ don't _need to protect her.'_ And then _another_ realization hit him, in quick succession. ' _I don't need to protect her. The ones I need to protect…'_

His left foot, on the fifth push of the Shave, slammed into the stone in just such a manner that he spun on his other talon, turning a full 180 degrees and glaring daggers at the elephant-sword that was standing in his path.

"Aye need…" Carue snarled, determination blazing in every fiber of his being. "TO PWOTECT MY FWIENDS!"

And with that, Carue slammed ten steps into the pavement at once and launched himself forward with a furious squawk. He then repeated the process with his other leg, only that time he put in twelve steps at once. Then thirteen from there. Then fifteen, and then twenty, each successive Shave faster and more powerful than the last.

And then the duck hit thirty steps at once and the air around him _snapped_ , the pressure wave and noise flinging almost fifty-four, fifty-five Marines off their feet. Vivi and Conis exchanged shocked looks at the development before electing to take full advantage of the subsequent gap to storm further down the bridge after the duck, who was now speeding straight for the opponent he'd abandoned.

Funkfreed blinked at the display in shock, closing his eyes for a fraction of a second—

" _SUPAHSONIC!"_

And then time froze for the sword as it opened its eyes and Carue was _right there,_ hanging before his face, talons extended and rocketing right at his forehead.

Funkfreed hastily flexed his forehead, his hide reflecting a flash of eternal sunlight as it hardened into steel.

" _ **KICK!"**_

**SKRANG!**

And then all movement on the bridge froze as all eyes were drawn to where Carue's talons were planted in the dead center of Funkfreed's forehead. For a moment, the world stayed perfectly frozen, as if it were all a picture.

And then Carue fell onto his ass while Funkfreed stayed standing.

A moment of silence, and then Spandam broke out into a mad cackle. "WAHAHAHAAAAHA! Well done, Funkfreed, well done! You see that, you stupid pirates?! You bastards never had a chance of beating… an…"

Spandam trailed off in horror as his sword started to keel over with agonizing slowness, the change of angle displaying both the whites of his insensate eyes and the pair of talon-shaped dents in his skull.

The Zoan-weapon didn't even fall halfway when he suddenly disappeared, a single badly-dented sword with tusks at the hilt and a tail-like tassel clattering to the ground where he once stood.

Spandam stayed frozen even as Carue pushed himself onto his legs, shaking but still standing. He then flinched in terror as the duck pinned him with a determined glare.

"You'we next," the Captain of the Supersonic Duck Squadron declared venomously. He took a step forward—and then promptly collapsed beak-first with a cry of pain. "WAGH!"

"CARUE!" Vivi screamed.

"W-What the—!?" Carue squawked painfully, agony shooting through his body from his talons up. He tried to push himself up with his wings but collapsed again when the leg he tried to support himself with gave out with a sickening crack. The duck stared over his shoulder in equal parts agony and naked horror. "OW! My wegs! D-Damn it, m-my wegs just bwoke!"

"Damn it…" Conis cursed under her breath as she took in the Marines who were starting to get their nerve back. "Hang on, Carue, we'll be right there!" So saying, she _made_ to heft her Burn Bazooka, only to drop it with a cry of pain when her arm suddenly fell slack mid-motion. "GAH!"

"Conis! What's—!?" Su took one look at her friend's arm before stiffening fearfully. "Your shoulder just jumped its socket!"

"Grrghh…" Conis ground out as she clutched her throbbing shoulder. "Heartwarming gift or not, I'm starting to think that that damn Reject Dial was more trouble than it was worth…"

Spandam was quick to recover his ego and don a malicious grin as he flung his head back. "Oh, now this is just _perfect! WAHAHAHA—_ Eh?" He blinked in surprise as he realized something. "Huh… looks like I can move again." He stared blankly at his hands for a second before sneering and casting his arm out. "KILL THEM ALL!"

"No! **Leave them alo** — _ah!"_ Vivi's command was choked off as she collapsed to the ground, as though her strings had just been snipped out from above her.

"Vivi!" Carue squawked fearfully.

"Ah, w-what—!?" Vivi squirmed fruitlessly as she tried to force something, anything at all to move. "M-My body! It won't move, I-I-I can't do anything!"

"Oh, _perfect,"_ Su groaned as she dragged a paw down her face. "The newfound superpower you've been spamming for the past five minutes has an unexpected drawback. Because of _course_ it does. Hands up, who didn't see this coming? _AND I WASN'T ASKING YOU!"_ she snapped at the few Marines who actually raised their hands, though she was quick to recoil when their comrades leveled their weapons at her. "Ah… actually, if I may rephrase that—?"

"Soldiers!" Spandam barked through a sadistic grin as he raised his arm. "On my mark, _kill_ the Straw Hat Pirates!"

"NO!" Robin pleaded, jerking desperately against the soldiers holding her.

Spandam's grin was nothing but pure evil as he turned his attention to his captive. "Nico Robin," he drawled venomously. "Allow me to officially welcome you to _Hell."_

And so, in spite of Robin's cries, he started to swing his arm down and the orders were just about to leave his lips—

"THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO HELL TODAY IS _YOU,_ FUCKFACE!"

When he was brought up short by a furious voice roaring through the air.

"What the—!?"

_**CRUNCH!** _

"—GWARGH!"

The next moment, a pair high-velocity metal boots collided with Spandam's face.

Everyone present stared in shock as the Director of CP9 was sent tumbling ass over teakettle, glaring between his legs at the person who'd just landed on the bridge.

Jeremiah Cross snorted proudly as he readjusted the brim of his cap. "Dynamic. Entry," he enunciated clearly.

**-o-**

Well, _that_ had been a heck of a start to the finale of this little crusade of ours.

As if hanging off of Franky's back while he and Boss scaled the side of the Bridge wasn't blood-pumping and gut-wrenching enough, we'd arrived at the top to the sight of our friends coming damn close to getting _executed._

Thankfully, Franky and Boss combined were more than strong enough to throw me at a certain piece of human filth before he could give the order. Now _that_ had been a wild and _damn_ cathartic voyage.

As for my three companions, weeell…

"BARRACUDA BARRAGE!"

"WEAPONS LEFT!"

"CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST!"

Suffice to say that they were currently occupied with securing our vanguard's safety.

"Weeeeell, look at this!" Boss proclaimed, his grin face-splitting as he spun his rope-dart at his side. "Looks like we got here just in the nick of time! What does that make us?"

"Big Damn Heroes, Boss," Franky laughed, the capitalization clearly audible as he slammed his fists together.

" _Ain't we just?"_ Soundbite and I said in unison. Soundbite then turned his eyestalks to glare murderously at Spandam. " **Cut her loose."**

"'Ou… 'Ou _bastards_ ," Spandam slurred through his compacted face as he struggled to get back up into a sitting position. "Do 'ou even 'ow what yer doin'!? _Dat woban id a debon!"_

" **Yeeeaaah…"** Soundbite drawled as he nodded his head side to side before glancing at Robin and grinning. " **But she's our demon."** He then snapped his teeth at Spandam. " _ **SO CUT HER THE HELL LOOSE."**_

I grinned at the display for a moment before shaking my head. "Nah, nah, he doesn't need to bother. I got this." With that, I walked up to Robin and grabbed her cuffs.

"C-Cross—!" she started shakily.

"Shhh," I hushed her as I looked her restraints over and confirmed that they were the number 5 pair. "You can say what you want once you're free. For now? This is about to get impressive. Watch _this."_

I then stood up, turned around and shot my hand into the air, five fingers spread and palm facing towards the Tower of Justice.

**-o-**

Usopp adjusted his goggles in order to confirm what he was seeing before leaning over so that he could shout down into the Tower through the hole he'd opened in the roof. "SHE'S WEARING NUMBER FIVE!"

"GOT IT!" Nami called up before blowing a whistle and waving down the tower's central shaft. "KALIFA HAD NUMBER TWO, WE NEED NUMBER FIVE!"

"BLUENO HAD THREE, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji called out from a dozen floors below. "MOSSHEAD, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"GOT IT RIGHT HERE!" Zoro shouted - from the ground floor.

"THE HELL!? I THOUGHT THAT THE DAMN GARDEN ROOM WAS _ABOVE_ ME! HOW DID YOU EVEN—!?"

"OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, THIS DAMN PLACE IS CONFUSING!" Zoro roared indignantly. "ANYWAY…" He clutched the key in his fist and reared his arm back. "CATCH, SHITCOOK!" The swordsman unwound and shot the small sliver of metal at the chef like a certain geezer's cannonballs.

Sanji bit back a curse as he caught the key a few inches from his face. "Son of a—! Damn crazy mossheaded—!" He was quick to recover and get his mind back on track, balancing the key on his foot. "COMING TO YOU, NAMI-SWAN!" he shouted up before snapping his leg out and passing the key up the tower.

Nami caught the key with a mitt of Iron Cloud and promptly used her free hand's thumb to aim as the cloud flowed from catch to throw in one smooth motion. "ALL YOURS, USOPP!"

The sniper held his slingshot in the path of the key, catching it in the pouch and grabbing it as it snapped back before lining his shot up with the Bridge.

"One more shot from the King of the Snipers…" Usopp grinned to himself as he let his projectile fly.

**-o-**

I snapped my fist shut around the key the second it slapped into my hand. Then, in one fluid motion, I bent down, inserted the key into the cuffs and turned it, clicking the lock open.

Robin stared in shock as the restraints clanked to the ground. "Ah…" she whispered numbly as she held her wrists up and flexed her fingers.

"Wha—!? Z-Zad's nod bozzible! Y-You baztards muzt have—!"

_**BOOM!** _

"— _UGWARGH!"_

I shot a grateful thumbs-up at our covering sniper before grinning confidently as I picked the cuffs up and spun them around my finger. "And _that,_ " I gloated. "Is how _we_ roll." I then tossed the cuffs up and held my bag open, allowing the sea prism stone (I had to fight to keep myself from cackling gleefully at that little tidbit) to drop into it with a clank. "And don't you ever dare to forget it!"

Robin jerked as the sound apparently snapped her out of her reverie before shifting uncomfortably, glancing away as she rubbed her arm. "Cross… about Water 7, what I did—!"

"Before you say anything," I interrupted her as I dug a bundle of leather out of my bag and plopped it on her head. "Here."

Robin's head flinched under my hand and reached up to feel just what I'd put on her, snapping her gaze up in shock as she grasped her cowboy hat. "T-This is—!"

"You forgot it, before this mess started," I explained with a casual smile. "Don't lose it again, alright?"

A swirl of emotions swept over Robin's face, tears welling up in her eyes. "Cross—"

"Hey," I interrupted her as I grasped her shoulders. "No tears right now, alright? There'll be plenty of time to get weepy and sappy and whatever the hell else we can blackmail you with later. But right now, what we need is for you to be the cold as steel, tough as nails badass bitch we've all grown to know, hate and love in equal measure. You think you can do that?"

Robin stared at me a moment longer before bowing her head with a wry chuckle. "…You are a real piece of work, Jeremiah Cross…"

She then glanced over her shoulder and a chorus of snaps, cracks, and screams heralded busy days for the Marines' doctors.

"But," Robin smiled as she stood up, holding her hat in place. "I do believe that I can manage that."

I nodded proudly as I patted her shoulder. "That's what I hoped you'd say. But for now, if you'll excuse me…" I slammed my fist into my palm with a sadistically eager grin as I turned to address the source of the pained groans starting to waft through the air. "I am about to seamlessly mix business and pleasure so that your own experience might be all the more enjoyable. You mind?"

Robin eyed my target for a moment before bowing her head with a smirk. "Oh, no, please, I absolutely _insist."_

"As you say," I bowed exaggeratedly before walking towards Spandam's stirring form, Soundbite's powers amplifying the sound of my footsteps. The… _individual_ slowly raised his head in horror as I drew near enough to see the separations on the leather straps of his mask. I grinned cheerily as I snapped up a mock-salute. "Howdy. Remember me?"

"You…" Spandam's eyes widened in recognition. "J-Jeremiah Cross—! You're—!"

"The guy who _burned_ Pluton's blueprints in cold blood and who has _systematically_ ruined your life over the past hour?" My smile took on a bloodthirsty overtone as I tilted my head _just_ so. "Yes. Yes, I am."

Spandam's expression slowly contorted into one of fury. "You… You _son of a—!"_

" _EVIL_ **suit-wearing LEATHER-ASS** _ **STRING BEAN SAY**_ _**whaaat?!"**_

The scumbag in question blinked in confusion. "Wha—"

_CRACK!_

"GAWRGH!" Spandam howled in agony as the toe of my greave slammed into his chin.

"My turn," I chirped pleasantly as I leaned over and hauled him up by his collar. "Hello, _Spandam._ What say we chat, hm?"

"By jaw…" Spandam gurgled painfully. "'Ou bwoge by jaw…"

"Ooooh, Spandam, Spandam, _Spandam,"_ I chuckled as I shook my head. "Trust me when I say that _that_ is going to be the absolute _least_ of your worries."

**-o-**

" _See, I've known about you for awhile, Spandam, and I've thought long and hard about what I'd do to you if I ever happened to run into you,"_ Cross stated, his voice devoid of any emotion but a hard, malicious kind of glee. " _And as I've thought about you, I've come up with oh so many possibilities, oh so many ways I can punish you for every last second that you have perpetrated the_ inexcusable _crime of existing. Let's read off a few, shall we? We'll start with the basics: I_ could _simply beat you to a pulp that not even your rat-bastard of a father could love. I could have Soundbite practice his Gastro-Blast on you until your whole body is jelly or his voice gives out, whichever comes first. I could have him recite any one of the terrible, utterly_ horrific _sounds he keeps stored in his grey matter on full blast until yours starts dribbling out of your ears. And those are indiscriminate. What say we move on to specific body parts, hm?"_

A special kind of malevolent evil slowly started to slide into Cross's expression, and his voice fell into a whisper.

" _I could cut off your fingers one joint at a time, and feed them to you knuckle by knuckle. I could use my Flash Dial to burn your eyes out of your head until all you have left are empty sockets. I could use a needle to hollow out every one of your teeth before sticking pins through the cavities and soaking them in vinegar and lemon juice. I could break your jaw, or rather I could_ re- _break it_ , _and then use it to force you to bite off your own tongue. Ah! But, of course, I'd_ start _by pouring molten sand down your throat, in order to muffle that irritating whining you'd be making the entire time that would prevent me from enjoying my work."_

Saldeath whistled in awe as he eyed the Impel Down staff room's snail. "Wow. If he wasn't on the other side of the law, I'd consider scouting him for a job. Chances are that he'd make executive in a year, easy."

"You're underselling him. Six months, minimum~❤"

The demon-looking man hummed in agreement as he nodded his head to the side, before pausing and glancing at his fellow executive. " _You're_ taking notes on this? You, of all people?"

Sadi giggled ecstatically as she continued to transcribe everything that the pirate was saying. "But of course! More than half of these ideas are highly novel, and quite possibly effective at that! Didn't you know, Salsy? Being a professional is all well and good, but amateurs will forever be the most dangerous for a reason, you know~❤"

**-o-**

"—And then I would make you _eat_ the salsa _,_ " I concluded bluntly, taking _great_ pleasure in my captive audience's terrified whimpering.

"… **dude,"** Soundbite gaped in awe.

"Cross? Color me convinced that _you_ are the scariest person on the crew when you're angry," Lassoo muttered fearfully.

"Eh," I cocked my head to the side. "That's an unfair metric, seeing as I doubt that I could hate anyone as much as I hate this particular individual right here. Case in point?" I jerked my head back over my shoulder. "I'm sufficiently pissed off that I could hand you over to Chopper with explicit instructions that he do his _worst."_

I blocked out the ecstatic squeak our doctor let out at that.

"But!" I snapped a finger up just as Spandam looked like he was about to faint. "I'm not going to do any of that."

Hope blossomed on Spandam's face, and I had to resist the urge to imitate the Cheshire Cat, because oh, _man,_ he had _no idea_ what was coming. And that just made it even more delicious.

"I'm going to do something worse than everything I've said up to this point _combined_."

There it was. That glorious dawning moment of comprehension adored by sadists and stuffed tigers the world over. I swiftly drew my Vision Dial and immortalized that expression for all eternity before grabbing Spandam's collar and hauling him around so that he had an unobstructed view of the two comrades who'd come to stand behind me.

"I believe you've met my friends, Franky and Nico Robin," I drawled. It was _very_ satisfying to watch Spandam become stark white as the pair loomed over him.

"In case you've forgotten," I hummed indifferently. "You framed Franky and sentenced his mentor to death a few years back, your father destroyed Robin's homeland when she was a child, you've made the past twenty-four hours of their lives a living hell…" I made a show of snapping my fingers in realization. "Oh, yeah, and you personally kicked the shit out of them less than an hour ago."

" _Pupupupupupu!"_ Soundbite chortled ecstatically in a thoroughly chipper and despair-inducing voice, reveling in the fact that Spandam didn't even have the strength in him to shiver anymore. "LET'S GIVE IT EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT!"

I shoved my hand out, tossing Spandam to the feet of Robin and Franky. Their expressions were shadowed, but I _swear_ that their eyes were shining murderously and that I could _see_ the _**GOGOGOGOGO~**_ characters floating in the air above them.

"Have fun, you two," Isang as I waved at them. "And parents back home, fair warning: this is about to become _very_ R-rated."

" _ **IT'S PUNISHMENT TIME!"**_

And with that, I clamped my headphones over my ears _just_ as the screaming started.

**-o-**

"Gahahaha! Yeah, that's right! Give it to him, pound him to pieces!" Genzo cheered exuberantly as he swung his fists through the air. He then made a grab at his side - and blinked in confusion when he only hit air. "Eh? Where the hell'd my sake go?"

"Right here," Nojiko deadpanned as she swished the bottle in her grip. "And before you even think of protesting, even if this is as cathartic as when Nami sent that rat-bastard flying, if you didn't notice me taking this from you, then you're drunk enough already."

"Ergh… yeah, alright, maybe you have a— _HEY!"_ Genzo barked indignantly as Nojiko knocked the bottle back.

" _Pwah!"_ The tangerine farmer blew out a hearty sigh as she put the bottle down. "What? I said that _you're_ drunk enough. I'm just getting started."

"Tsk…" Genzo scoffed, looking away. "I _told_ Bellemere that she wouldn't make a good—!" CLONK! "OW!"

"DON'T TRASH TALK THE DEAD!"

"SHE WAS MY DAMN DRINKING BUDDY, I'LL TALK ABOUT HER HOWEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!"

"YOU OLD—!"

" _HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SPORK?! AAAAHHH!_ AAAAHHH! **AAAAHHHHH!** _ **AAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_

The two briefly ceased their argument as Spandam's agonized wails reached new levels, and both wondered what exactly _was_ happening.

**-o-**

Allow me to be perfectly frank: the first several seconds of the unmitigated beatdown were _beyond_ cathartic, true as true can be, but I soon felt a bit of a sweatdrop hang off my temple as I realized that, well… theeey weren't stopping. Like, _any_ time soon. Which meant that this was getting… let's say _awkward._

"Sooo, ah, guys?" I spoke up with a nervous chuckle as I scratched the back of my neck. "IIII'm gonna just, ah… check on our friends? You know, if that's alright with you?"

The only response I received was a glass-shatteringly high-pitched falsetto scream.

" **I think that THAT'S ALRIGHT** _with them,"_ Soundbite chuckled nervously.

"Aye!" I squawked in agreement as I spun on my heel and dashed over to our friends.

"Lordy lordy," Boss whistled in awe, watching the morbid spectacle even as he continued to use a Marine Lieutenant's head as a punching bag. "I didn't know human limbs could bend that way!"

"Eh… seriously?" Su cocked her eyebrow in confusion as she watched from atop an insensate pile of Boss's handiwork. "Shouldn't that be, like, blindingly obvious?"

"No, I mean, I didn't know it could bend that way and stay attached."

"Ahhh… yeah, I see your point. Resilient little fucker, isn't he?"

"The nastiest cockroaches always are," I commented drolly as I walked by them. I then focused on where Chopper was tending to our vanguard. "Ladies, duck… you look like shit."

"I'd teww you to fawk off, but I _feew_ wike it too…" Carue groaned as he massaged his newly bandaged legs.

"I'm not surprised, considering you broke _every single bone in your legs in three places each, WITH MICROFRACTURES COATING THE REST!"_ Chopper snapped as he rammed a syringe into the duck's wing, ignoring his pained squawk. "Also, this is temporary until I can get them in proper casts, so for Asclepius' sake, _don't use them_ unless someone's about to _die!"_

I gave a light cough, drawing his attention back to me. "Prognosis, doc?"

"Oh, hey, Cross," he waved his hoof absently as he stood up and walked back to the other two. "You've heard about Carue's injuries, but Conis and Vivi are in better shape. Conis just has a dislocated shoulder and some bruises, and aside from exhaustion, which I fixed with a supplement, Vivi just has a flesh wound. I'm afraid that that _will_ scar, by the way."

Vivi nodded her head with a groan as she waved him off.

"Anyway…" Chopper turned his attention to our gunner as he shifted into his Heavy Point. "Conis, just hold your arm in place and I can get you a sling in—"

"The bone isn't _actually_ broken, right?" Conis confirmed as she reached behind her back. "The joint is still intact, it's just dislocated?"

"Ah…" Chopper blinked in confusion. "Yeah, the bone looks to be fine, why do you a—?"

_CR-CRACK!_ "GRGH!"

Chopper cut himself off and gaped silently for a second before pinching the bridge of his nose with a groan. "Tell me you did not just do that. _Tell me that you did not just RESET YOUR OWN DAMN SHOULDER_ _ **USING A RIFLE AS A LEVER."**_

"Sorry, Chopper," Conis apologized with a sheepish grin as she wound a roll of gauze around her shoulder. "But Captain McKinley would have my beret if I let something like a loose shoulder stop me for more than a minute, and I will _not_ disrespect the corps."

"… **If I see one more instance of back-alley quackery performed before me today,** _ **I swear to EVERY LAST DIVINITY IN EXISTENCE—!"**_

"So, Vivi!" I yelped hastily, hoping to divert Chopper's mind from any thoughts of retribution. "How are you feeling? The heck happened to you, anyway?"

"Ah…" Vivi started, before wincing as she rubbed her throat. " _Ah, bit dry. Do you have anything to—?"_

"Ah…" I spent a second patting myself down, but then I snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "OH! I know!" I turned towards the melee. "Hey, Franky! You got anything to drink, or—?"

_THWACK!_

"YEOW!" I yelped, clutching my skull where a metal flask had bounced off of it. Impressively enough, it actually landed in Vivi's lap. "Owww… thanks anyway!"

"MY RIBS ARE IN MY EYES! _THEY'RE IN MY EYES!"_

"You don't _deserve_ eyes!" I yelled back. I then eyed Vivi as she took a swig from the flask. "Feeling any better?"

Vivi coughed a bit in order to clear her airways before nodding thankfully. "Yeah. Cola works wonders on sore throats."

"Oh, that's cola?" I perked up eagerly and held my hand out. "Give it here, I'm parched!"

Vivi conceded absentmindedly before giving me a quizzical look. "Ah, Cross… are you at all familiar with a technique that lets someone overpower everyone around them using nothing but their own willpower?"

I paused as I was about to take a sip and eyed her in confusion. "Er… yeeees? What I'm wondering is how the hell _you_ know about it. That's not exactly public knowledge there, princess. Or, well…" I shrugged with a grin. "It wasn't until you _made it_ public knowledge, anyway!" I chuckled to myself as I took a swig from the flask. Mm- _mmm!_ Eat your heart out, Coca-Cola, once you go Grand Blue, you never go back!

"Well, you see, Cross," Vivi said, hesitantly scratching the back of her head. "The reason I know about it and the reason I'm asking is that whatever that power is, _I apparently have it."_

" _PFFFFFT! GACK! HACK!"_ I promptly sprayed my drink everywhere and started wheezing desperately, on account of the liquid going down every which pipe save for the _right one._ " _S-SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!"_ I yelped as I desperately slapped at Soundbite's shell.

" **Ow,** _ **OW!**_ **WATCH IT,** _ **no need to**_ _insist!_ YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR!"

"There is _very_ much need to—!"

_THWACK!_

"OW!" I yelped as a metal fist bounced off of my skull.

"STOP WASTING MY DAMN COLA, JACKASS!"

" _FOCUS ON THE SCUMBUCKET, PERVERT!"_ I roared back before snapping my attention to the half-nervous, half-peeved, all wet princess. "Vivi, what in the blue, wet and _utterly insane hell_ _are you talking about!?"_

Vivi blinked before starting to talk. "I… Robin must have provoked Spandam somehow because he was holding a gun to her head and he was going to blow her brains out. I was thinking about how I shouldn't be powerless to help my friends, powerless to do anything but watch them die… and something just…" Vivi snapped her fingers demonstratively. " _Snapped_ in my mind. I heard myself yell for everything to stop, and… it just happened. Su thought that it had something to do with ruler's instinct."

" _EH!?"_ I squawked incredulously as I strangled the air. "You've got to be—! Conqueror's Haki? You have _Conqueror's Haki?!"_

"Haki? You mentioned that with Satori and Aisa, yes?" Conis asked curiously.

"Mrghgrgr…" I grumbled as I kneaded the bridge of my nose. "Their ability was just _Observation_ Haki; there are three different forms of the ability, and unlike Observation and Armament, which every living being on the planet is born with and can learn to master, you cannot, I repeat, _cannot_ learn Conqueror's; only one in every one million people is capable of utilizing it, and considering that Luffy is one of them, I think it doesn't bear explaining that I did not expect it to manifest in anyone else on the crew!"

"It's… It's dat wawe?" Carue squawked incredulously.

"Considering the fact that the average user is capable of _scaring or taming Sea Kings_ just by looking them in the eye, and decimating an entire _army_ , just by _willing it?!"_ I bit out. "If it wasn't, the World Government wouldn't have survived a day."

"That's a yes, then," Vivi concluded dryly, before shaking her head with a weary groan. "Is there any particular reason why you didn't consider bringing that up while you were spilling your guts on training techniques?"

"Because I asked for instructions on them and I got squat in return!" I flung my arms up in exasperation. "Why do you think I was so pissed at Ace when he left, huh? The hothead stiffed me on Haki instructions, which I really hoped we could get because all _three_ kinds are common knowledge in the New World! And unless a miracle happens, we're not going to meet anyone else who knows and is willing to share the instructions before we hit the end of Paradise."

I shook my head with a weary sigh. "The story never showed the methods in detail, and the only way I've seen people unlock any of the abilities without training, as you experienced yourself, is through _massive_ trauma. Believe me, if I had my way, we'd _all_ be trying to learn it ASAP."

"Ugh…" Vivi rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Well, at least now I can _make_ people listen to me when I really need to, so that's something."

I was drawn up short by that particular statement. "Eh… run that by me again?"

Vivi blinked at me in surprise. "Uh… Yeah, I just focus my willpower on someone, and they obey any order I give them, even if they… don't… that's not what you're thinking of, is it?" she concluded lamely as she took in my poleaxed expression.

"Try 'people keel over foaming at the mouth'!" I moaned in exasperation. I shook my head as I tried to reason things out. "Still, the execution and the basis seem to be the _same_ as Conqueror's, so… maybe this is some kind of branch off of it?" I shook my head helplessly. "I've been gone for a while, who _knows_ what the hell Oda came up with? There's a reason fans call him Goda." I glanced upwards with a weary groan. "For now, however, we have the world knowing that you are apparently one of the chosen few who _always_ manage to achieve greatness, while you yourself are in possession of an absolutely alien ability that even I know nothing about. The day just keeps getting better, don't it?"

"Yes. Yes. It. _Does."_

I looked over my shoulder with a cocked eyebrow as Robin and Franky approached me with _far_ too satisfied expressions on their faces. I glanced at Soundbite as I slashed my hand across my throat before speaking up. "I take it that you two enjoyed yourselves?"

I made a point of _not_ looking at the twitching pile of meat that was only _just_ not classifiable as a corpse behind them.

"More than you can _possibly_ imagine, Cross," Robin sighed euphorically as she stretched her arms above her head. "I do believe I've just had more fun in the past ten minutes than I have in the past two decades."

"HaHA!" Franky cackled as he folded his arms behind his head. "Not quite so long for me, my family's been good for me over the years, but damn if that wasn't enjoyable! Man, meeting you guys has been one of the best things to happen to me in years!"

"Heheh, glad to hear it!" I nodded contentedly. "Well, now that that's all wrapped up, all that's left is to rendezvous with everyone else and—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **You planned** _ **that,"**_ Soundbite accused testily.

"I _hoped_ that it would work. Nothing wrong with that!" I smirked as I motioned for him to pick up.

He rolled his eyes before conceding. "KA-LICK! _Cross? Usopp here. Nami, Sanji, Zoro and I all won our—OW!_ _Hey, those Marines count, do you know how many headshots and snipers I just took down!? As I was saying, we all won our fights, and we've gotten as many of the valuables as we can carry from here. We're on the Tower's rear dock now!"_

"Perfect!" I pumped my fist victoriously. "Alright, you guys hang tight, we'll get to commandeering the ship Spandam was going to use because no way in hell can we pilot a battleship on our own, and come and pick you guys up! Then we wait for Luffy to finish mopping the floor with Lucci, pick up him and our guys back at the train station, and then we're clear! Honestly, barring any major situations, we just might manage to get out of this whole mess scot-free!"

In retrospect, I would have been better off blasting my Impact Gauntlet in my own face than saying that stupid, stupid, _stupid_ sentence. Honestly, how in the world could I have been so utterly _brain-dead_ as to willfully say _that_ out loud? Because _that_ was most certainly the catalyst for Vivi tapping me on my shoulder.

"Cross?" she whimpered fearfully as she stared behind me. "I… _think_ that that counts as a major situation."

Naïve and optimistic as I was, I followed her gaze with the most innocent of confusion and was rewarded for my troubles with the sight of hell itself.

"Ohhh, _shitbiscuits,"_ I whispered fearfully.

Because really…

What other reaction could a person have to the Gates of Hell themselves starting to open… and the light of an infernal dawn shining through?


End file.
